Ep. 139 – deaf jam

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Tanabe from The Last Samurai has it.

I was like, I guess he's had a pretty good life.

I was like trying to convince myself that I can have a good life.

And that's the Ken Watanabe story.

Yeah.

Yeah, after Adam had sex with Ken Watanabe.

Who has

Kent Wananab.

No, he wants a knob, right?

Oh, Ken wants a Nabi.

Ken is a Canadian.

He's a Canadian Japanese.

Oh, Ken wants a Nabi.

He plays the second to last samurai.

And then the last one was, of course,

Tom.

Tom.

Tom Cruise.

Thomas Cruz.

One of the last samurai.

One of the last samurai.

And it's just a fat guy.

Why would it be fat guy, man?

It's because that's who likes that culture.

That's true.

You're either severely underweight or fat as shit.

Imagine you're just working in Japanese customs and you see those guys getting off the plane.

They're like.

he's gonna try and play he thinks he's gonna fuck the girls

that's why he's here he thinks they're gonna be impressed that he like learned four words from a children's show

just fucking tivas and oh yeah cargo shorts yep yeah to carry all your knickknacks all the japanese knickknacks you got

that's why i wore that's why i was i wanted to establish that i was not one of those fat guys when we were in Japan.

That's why I wore track suits.

That's why I was making it certain that I'm not I'm the cool fat guy who still would like to fuck the women.

But, you know, did not.

Oh, listen, we all want to fuck the women.

Of course.

Brandon, would you like to fuck the women?

Of Japan?

Yeah.

In general.

Yeah, I'd love to.

I think it's hard to crack a Japanese woman.

Yeah, incredibly hard.

Even in America, I think a a Japanese-American woman I find a tough nut to the bottom of the business.

This is the thing: Japanese women

will give love

rape so much.

Japanese women love

rape so much that it's hard to tell where the line is with them.

It's so much further than with American women.

Like, if you go up to a Chinese woman at a bar or a Japanese woman at a bar and just choke slam her into the fucking bathroom,

that's like being like.

Oh, hello.

I think I've seen you here before.

That's like the opening.

I fucked

a girl who is

half Chinese, half black, and deaf.

No,

she was nearly deaf.

What?

She was half deaf?

No, she was full deaf.

Okay, all right.

Couldn't hear a lick.

All right, no.

She couldn't tell the double racist accent you were talking about.

The whole time.

And Greg Stone said to me, nice, three birds with one stone.

And I said, one of your birds is a deaf girl?

That's a bird you've been going after.

What a few fucking moments.

Yeah, dude.

He's not ableist.

Yeah, no, it was great.

What kind of noises did she make?

Not many.

I think she was aware that they were probably going to be crazy.

Yeah,

I wasn't.

But they're not, though.

You ever hear a deaf person laugh?

Well, yes, but I think they know it's crazy.

I think when they laugh, they're like the ones who are like, you know what?

I'm going to do it anyway.

I used to work at a cell phone kiosk, and there was this like hot deaf crazy when I was a teenager.

I fucked up.

Actually, that one I fucked.

And I learned sign language just so that they could tell me that they never fucked up.

No, it was after you worked with me.

They did a big circle and then a no sign.

That is true.

A lot of deaf.

No, she was, she didn't suck my balls.

Did she do?

Did she then do this little.

She held her.

She said the tiny dick eye.

No, she did tiny dick, yes.

She did tiny dick thumbs up.

We would talk on her iPad.

Like, she had a notes program where you could just write.

And one time I had to

get out of her bed naked,

walk across the room, get the iPad, walk back across the room, get into bed, and then slowly scroll out.

I'm sorry, I usually last longer than you.

That's so good.

The most

And then that shot zooms out, and it's a presentation, and Tim Cook is like, these are just some of the things you can do

with the new iPad Air.

We couldn't

imagine a future where you bust early with a deaf three-bird chick.

She lived above like the loudest bar

bushwick.

Yeah, that makes sense.

This real estate agent is a fucking genius.

Of course.

Oh, I got the client for this apartment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I thought you meant she was a real estate agent.

No, no, she'd be hilarious.

No, that'd be

like, welcome to your new home.

Anyways,

that's.

Where did you meet this woman?

Tinder.

Nice.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Go ahead.

I know.

No, no, you're nothing.

Like, the biggest idiot I knew in college used to get blackout and send like mass texts to people.

Yeah.

And I went to school in D.C.,

and he got blackout one night and sent a mass text to like all our friends.

He's like, I'm partying down with the deaf kids at the deaf college, Gallaudet University.

And he's like, this shit is crazy.

You guys should come.

He was saying that like kids were like fingering each other.

Yeah, no.

Deaf people throw the fucking culture.

They love the culture is crazy.

So she was a freak and she was like, and she was like, this is what.

like the deaf world, this is what it is normal.

Really?

Yes.

There was no music.

Well, it's it's you know and it's a hack point but they sound retarded so yeah people think they are well i also like how you just added there was no music playing on right like yeah

they can't hear anything i know yeah but they like the vibrations what they do they uh they because i asked her i was like do you know

what music is

you know because i you know what i mean

do you understand the music and she was like does what does a blind guy think a color is right yeah then she was like i mean i i can like we can feel it, you know, like, I can feel the beat, right?

But I don't, I don't, you know, I don't really know.

Now, okay, go back to say, she was saying, like, deaf culture is crazy.

Like, what'd you say?

Like, would you eat your ass off rip?

Or what do you mean?

She was, she just wanted, she wanted, like, immediately, like, wanted fingers up the ass.

Like, right away, you know, first time.

And had no...

And it was nice.

There were no.

Who tells that story about the put your fingers in my ass?

Is there somebody that has that story about a deaf girl?

Am I just having like deja vu?

Maybe.

Fuck.

Maybe.

Maybe that's a bit we did.

That's something that's.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is fuck.

Ah, fuck.

This is not a comic.

Oh, okay.

Put your fingers in my ass.

Fuck.

What the fuck is that fuck?

I mean, that's the thing where it's like, oh, that could have been like every other sentence last week.

Right, right, right, right, right.

And, yeah, she wanted, you know, a lot of stuff up her ass.

There was no...

Your wall.

And there was no...

Yeah, whatever was left.

There There was no, she had no qualms about it being like us being like, this was years ago, a few years ago, but she had no qualms about it being totally sexual.

Like, it was like, it was like, no, I don't, we can't fucking talk.

Like, what do you think this is going to be?

You know, like, like.

She's like, I'm supposed to bring you home to my deaf parents.

Right, right.

She was actually,

she was actually from D.C.

D.C.

is like the world capital of deaf people because of college.

And then on top of that.

Marianne, you brought some loud boy home

some loud race

listening yeah I don't know I said wrist but they're Chinese oh you're right

listening to podcasts and audio books on speakerphones um

uh she had nothing she had she wasn't even like a partial talker I think those guys

those like

I think they can hear a little Marley Maitland Marley or they or they just learn how to move their mouth but she she no one taught taught her that.

Some of them can get an implant.

Nice.

A cochlear.

What's she up to?

I don't know.

I don't remember her name, I'll be honest with you.

Because I have tried to look through my phone.

Fire Zinderback.

That's the name in all capital letters.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, here's the interesting thing.

When she fucking...

contact when we started talking on tinder i go

where are you from she said dc i said no you're not.

You're tricking me because her grammar was so bad.

And what I found out, which I still don't quite understand, is that deaf people often don't write very well.

Well, yeah, because ASL is a different language.

There's no reason for them to have conjunctions and that sort of stuff.

When you're doing sign language, you would just say, me, go eat.

Some deaf people know like C-sign, though, which is like almost like

a transliterated, I guess, version of English, but it follows English grammar rules more than American Sign Language would.

But here's my issue with it.

Maybe you can explain.

Of course, yeah.

So I'll be able to.

So I will.

So

she explained that to me, and she was like, ASL is not like.

See, Brendan, the problem was that she was half black.

Not that she was deaf.

The rules of grammar.

My issue is that if you're deaf, wouldn't you, just because of like lack of of uh non-hearing entertainment,

wouldn't you read a lot?

And wouldn't reading a lot make you be able to

write a lot?

No, I'm bored all the fucking time and I still just look at my phone.

You can probably play video games.

Yeah.

There's a whole deaf world of you dead.

I don't think that I don't think the thing holding me back from being a moron is that I can hear.

Not being stupid.

Yeah, she might just be a dumb bitch.

That'd be funny.

If I go around telling people, you know the deaf they don't have great grammar then i meet other deaf people they're like what the fuck are you talking about

that you fucked a retail oh yeah he met he was she could hear the whole time she was just retarded

it's a fucking it's a leapfrog it's not even an ipad

the cow ghost me hungry brendan

there's a there's a movie uh yeah it's like i think she was half chinese

there was something about her face that looked kind of Asian.

She wasn't fully,

but there was something.

Maybe she was like half black, half Chinese, but then also white.

If you can imagine the combination of those facial features.

She had a bull haircut.

Yeah, yeah.

Greg Stone's like, wow, perfect.

Half a stone, one bird.

I'm like, Greg, what's happening?

What's going on in your head?

It's not

the only thing this segment has done is make me miss this girl.

Of course.

Yeah, I want to find her.

I want to get this deaf girl.

Well, she's the best.

Well, that's the shit that stays in your head.

That's the shit that stays in your head.

You're like, you can fuck like a million Han women, and then you're like, ah, but that pirate?

Yeah, yeah.

That 300-pound pirate.

It was so different.

Yeah, but that one with no fingers.

Yeah.

The homeless girl.

I do still miss the homeless girl I made out with in a gay bar in Atlanta.

Yeah, I hooked up with that homeless girl one time, too.

That was weird.

But you didn't want to leave.

Was she like that's the plot of IM Sam?

Oh, yeah.

You get some homeless pussy.

You imagine if I am Sam's fucking even homeless woman, he must be slaying.

Oh, yeah.

He's like, I just wanted something different.

He's getting all this regular pussy.

Then he's like, I don't have to do like a raw dog.

She's homeless.

What's she going to do?

Keep it?

Wait, is that really what happens in I Am Sam?

It's the worst movie that's ever been made.

I thought you were making a ridiculous joke.

I Am Sam.

I Am Sam is the Sean Penny.

He plays a retarded man who's knocked up a homeless woman, and now he's raising the daughter.

But because she's now become smarter than him at age eight,

the state's going to take her away.

And like the prosecutor, or whoever the state's representative is that takes children away from retarded men.

It's played by Toby from West Wing.

Oh, hell yeah.

And he's like, what makes you think you can take care of a seven-year-old?

An eight-year-old.

This man is an idiot.

The whole case is now impassioned.

Retarded is bad.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the state's case.

Well, it's like, but it's Toby from West Wing giving this like impassioned, like, you know, I just want to be the best speechwriter I can be.

Fuck this retalk.

Is Toby the guy who's in Billy Madison?

Who's also in Get Out?

No, no, no.

That's

Bradley Whitford.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there's this guy who in West Way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaking of deaf schools, there's this Russian movie called The Tribe.

Have you ever heard of it?

No.

So it's entirely done in sign language with no subtitles.

But it's about this boy.

No,

it's one of the craziest movies I've ever seen.

It's about this

kid's deaf school where the kid, like the new kid, gets initiated into their world of crime.

And then they assign him this girl to start pimping out at the deaf school.

And then he falls in love with the girl that he's supposed to like be like sending sending out on the street, selling her pussy.

Oh, shit.

Deaf pussy for sale?

Def pussy for sale.

That's our post-metal band.

Deaf pussy for sale.

Yeah, like sort of like a Queens of the Stone age.

Well, but it also works,

it also works great on flyers because it's like this Friday night

at the bellhouse, Death Pussy for sale.

I'm like, what?

Yeah, I'll come.

I'll just come back.

A bunch of guys exactly like you.

What?

It's a band?

Oh, fuck.

I brought you guys.

Yeah, a guy just tearing up a single dollar.

Fuck this shit.

Oh, fuck.

We should also say,

Brandon, a returning guest, has a great podcast, The Rad Dude Cast.

And you motherfuckers should sign up on their Patreon.

Oh, yeah.

Next time you want to get mad at us for some bullshit audio thing and delete your subscription, go sign up to the Rad Dude.

Sign up to the Rad Dude podcast instead.

Throw them.

What do you do?

Five bucks a month?

Five bucks a month.

Stick to the formula, baby.

We got our formula from you.

We got our formula from Chapo, and they got their formula from some other fucking loser.

And you know what?

We have a lot of fans that came from you guys now since the three of us have been on it.

I'll be honest, most of them came from my appearance.

You did great.

Yeah, we get that a lot.

We're like, they were like, no more Greg, no more Anthony.

But

you know what's funny is now there's this dedicated group of fans who will like message me and go, they'll go, Come Town is the best podcast in the world.

You guys are the second best.

And Tuesdays with Stories is the third.

The three best podcasts in the world.

And I'm like, well, you didn't have to number it.

Just say, yeah.

These are my favorite podcasts.

What?

What's going on?

They just throw in Tuesdays for no reason.

Which is great.

I'm like, that's great that you came over, but like, you don't have to number them.

I feel like you have to have some kind of social deficiency to be even able to listen to three people talk for an hour and not like turn it off.

100%.

Sure.

I don't care how funny it is to listen to a conversation you're not part of for an hour.

It's like, who are you, a fucking serial killer?

Well, not if you're talking about deaf pussy for sale.

That's a band.

And the Rad Duke.

That's a band.

And a good band.

And the Rad Duke has a similar to Comtown in that, like,

we don't.

You don't

have a hook.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

So, like, that's even harder.

It's like, we're not talking about like, we're not taking relationship questions.

You know what I mean?

We're just maybe we should sitting down solving Trump.

We've been talking about Donald Trump

since the election.

Yep.

We're almost there.

We're three Jewish women.

Yeah.

Jewish witches.

And we're solving.

We're a coven.

A coven of Jewish.

Who'd you tell me that one podcast?

It was like.

They're like, we're a coven of 14 socialist kick-ass.

No, it was

hecking socialist witch.

Heckling socialist witches.

Oh,

they're not doing a bit?

No.

I do love a 14-person podcast.

It's the Brian Setzer Orchestra.

We make $36 a month on Patreon only because people listen to that.

Every 25 minutes, the guy's like,

that is funny, Chris.

And that's all that guy said.

You're right, that is funny, Chris.

It's funny you say that.

What's this?

I don't know this.

That's Larry.

No, if it was a 14-person podcast, there's one guy.

That's his only contribution.

We're a coven of 73 hecking socialist women.

Socialist women.

And we talk about the Marvel Cinematic Universe and Wrestling.

Okay.

And I know it's been a while since Nanette and no one's talking about it anymore, but I watched that Chris Gethard

special in

this last year.

Holy shit.

Is it rough?

Awful.

It's tough.

And it's like,

I don't know you're not going to be able to do it.

I understand why people got fucking mad at Nanette and this has just been on

streaming services.

That's what some people do where they'll just say, oh, it's a one-man show, so it doesn't have to actually be funny.

It'll be funny the whole time.

And then it's like supposed to be theater or something.

But like,

that fucking sucks.

If I'm going to theater, let me fucking

sing a song.

You know what I mean?

His TV show is funny.

Which one?

TCGS?

I never saw it.

Anyways, his special is the same exact thing as Nanat.

Yeah, yeah, it's like sad and shit.

Let me ask you, what theater are you going to where you see kitties?

I have a Lion King.

Yeah, I sneak into the Lion King dressing.

I have a Matilda.

I have a webcam programmed on the dressing room of Matilda.

That Trunch Bull.

And I'm looking at Trunch Bull's pussy.

I have it in her private bathroom.

Her big blue tits pop out of her shirt all the time.

Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

Anyways, we're all saying the Chris Gaffer thing is red.

Brendan, especially.

Brendan, especially.

I don't really watch.

You know what I'm talking about?

I don't know the guy.

I was just blown away because we sandwiched it with Cat Williams,

who is incredible.

Again, the best comedian that's ever lived.

Probably.

So good.

Well, the crazy thing about Cat Williams, and when people

knock him for being crazy, and it's like, well, if you smoke crack, you're going to be crazy.

But he's legitimately like an extremely good comedian.

Well, not only a great joke, right?

Not only that.

Not only that, dude.

His audiences, like any comedian we'd know, would get in

front of an arena of Cat Williams fans and be like, well, this is an impossible situation.

Comedy cannot be done here.

Because there's an arena of people just screeching, yelling, just like fights, like crazy shit.

And he goes up there and he controls it.

He can drop it.

He can dive foot two, man, with a purple.

Yeah, he conducts the whole thing.

And it's like, it's just like 30,000 thugs like fucking just screw you like Chinese you watch a special and they're just yelling and it's like well this is on comedy can't happen in this situation and he can do it like he's that good yeah where it's like there's very few people that would even take the stage like people would be in the back like no i'm all set yeah that fucking bit about because he's like got some some he's going off on like foreign policy in his like 2000 special which is like you know he doesn't know what he's talking about

but it's still cat williams so you're like let's see where this goes.

And then the joke is like, you know, he's like, you know, we're in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

He's like, motherfucker, you said Afghanistan, then Syria, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And he's like,

the joke is essentially like, look, you can go in the club and say, fuck every motherfucker in the club.

Yeah.

But then you can't just walk your ass out of the club.

That is such a fucking

good bit.

It's so far beyond what you'd expect out of it.

it's like he's just right and he's just right

and there's no other comedian that's that like funny that gets blown up all and i don't get it i don't like maybe it's because he's like consistent i don't understand like what why he doesn't really get the attention

but he does he does

he doesn't either he doesn't either from he doesn't from comedians well he doesn't from comedians and he doesn't from the media right but he but he races them uh oh okay i mean but yeah for real he's like ludicrous he's not like he's not that's there's that Yeah, there is that.

He's not the black comic they want.

Sure.

They want the queer black comic.

He's homophobic, probably.

You know what I mean?

But he's right.

He's not wrong.

You listen to the bit, and he's not wrong.

He hit a target employee in the face with his motorcycle.

We were just talking about that.

I believe the details of the transaction were the target employee expressed...

possible interest in buying the motorcycle helmet and then backed out of the deal and Cat Williams hit him in the face with the motorcycle,

which is fair.

Fuck you.

You said you were going to buy it from him.

I just watched, I don't even, I don't watch comedy.

I just watch clips of Norm McDonald.

Yeah, that's all I like.

I like Normal Don't Develop.

He's the best.

Yeah, Norm does it for me.

I haven't seen the show.

I've seen a couple episodes.

It was pretty good.

I used to love that podcast.

It's the same thing, basically.

But there's a magic to that podcast because it came out of nowhere.

Right.

You're just not expecting Norm to McDonald's.

It's the best podcast ever.

That first season of the Norm McDonald podcast was yeah, it's the best podcast ever.

After that's number one, Cometown number two, Rad Dude Cast number three.

I used to love,

I used to love when it first came out, and

this was before I knew what a podcast was.

This was back before there was an app where you had to, you had to

buy the internet, you had to buy them like they were audiobooks on

www.

I loved the Ricky Gervais podcast.

And he since has really gotten on my nerves.

But when he first came out, when I first

learned about him and when I first started listening to that podcast, that podcast was fucking great.

I never listened to it.

Yeah, it's great.

And then he eventually became kind of whiny and shitty.

Didn't HBO just bought it and they animated it?

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

The Carl Pilkington one.

Right.

Yeah.

I used to watch that.

When I lived with Cubis, he would download all of them.

Yeah.

But that shit's so funny.

It's so great.

Because Carl Pilkington in real life is like a gene.

We were saying, like, we kind of stole the formula.

We go two idiots and then one smart guy that's a loser.

I'm not smart.

Yeah.

Well,

a guy that thinks I sound

pretending.

Yeah, but the funny thing is, like,

that's what the thing about

your podcast is like.

Well, you guys do the same thing.

Like, Greg is the imbecile.

Greg is dumb as shit.

Greg's a fucking moron.

Yeah.

You're like, I got to stick up for Greg.

No, you know he's a fucking idiot.

No, Greg's a smart.

Greg's playing a part.

I love Greg.

He's very smart.

He's sensitive about that.

But here's Greg is stupid, man.

Here's your thing.

You're right, Brendan.

You're like a genius, Levin.

No, yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

That's the fucking thing.

That's the thing about this podcast.

You insist you're not, and you act like you're not, but you are.

No,

I have like old man tidbits where there's certain, like, I know specific information about

weird things.

Yeah, yeah.

Because people are like, how do you know that?

And and it's like because i don't know how to read yes

but i but but reading like that's a choice i bet i bet if you your iq was tested no it is it probably extraordinarily hot i choose to be illiterate you're right right you're like yeah

it's literally not a choice it's weird because i have like no control over the shit that stays in my head but there's certain things that are like facts that i'll remember that i don't know what like i think like i pulled i knew the like the commercial release date of c D's It was like October, down to like the month.

It was like October of 1982 that I pulled one time.

I have no idea why I know that.

And it's like people will mention comedians that I've known probably a decade, and I haven't seen them in two months.

And I'm like, who the, what are you talking about?

They should make a movie of you called Worthless Rain Man.

No, that's it.

Rain Man accepts none of the facts are helpful.

Which is just a mentally disabled.

It's I Am Sam.

No, because they don't know anything about it.

He's a movie.

Movie called Childless Stamp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the court just doesn't like him.

The state takes him to court to be like, this man is fucking retarded.

You think you could raise an eight-year-old?

I don't have an eight-year-old.

I don't have an eight-year-old.

But even still,

he's too dumb to raise an eight-year-old.

He keeps raw dogging the homeless.

Senator Toby, oh, you're going to get to a point.

Wow, we're even here today

to call this man retarded okay all right case closed he's an imbecile

uh

yeah the thing is oh uh betdiosi.com yep that's the case that's the ready the read we're doing we're trying to do them now where the read is as short as possible i like that and i'm presenting this to the clients uh this week bet the side and that's that's it that's the whole thing.com betaside.com because the problem is people fast forward through the reads but if you do them quick enough they don't have time we could just intersperse them in the middle of stories.

You're like, BitDSI.com.

What a great joke.

You're going to have to rewind.

Betdsi.com.

What's that?

What's ventdsi.com?

Ventdsi.com.

It's vent DSI.

It's a ventilation corporate company.

It's a ventilation company.

You got you and I.

And you do reads for each company.

You got to do an HVAC.

Yes, that's good, man.

A lot of podcasts aim high.

You got to get into the local HVAC.

Yeah, Simon Vall GmbH Industrial Concerns is proud to sponsor the Come Time podcast.

And if you're need acetate polymers for your

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Vulcanized rubbers for any industrial application.

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That's right.

Whatever you can think of that that stuff would be used for,

we do it.

See,

what you just said, you're a genius.

It's literally.

No, see, comedians are stupid, Brendan.

I know what's going on here.

None of those things mean anything.

I know, but that's genius.

You know what?

You and Greg are both stupid.

He is made up of commercial.

And I was like, I do have vulcanized rubber knees.

I do.

You're a dumb, crazy man.

Holy shit.

Mark Kelly has been dropped by his record label following a documentary series of drew allegations, decades of sexual misconduct allegations.

I have enough money to get a fucking recording studio

and start a label and fucking sign R.

Kelly right now.

Not guilty records.

Streaming and album sales went through the roof after that came out.

But he probably doesn't own

all the old backlogs.

This is by Lo Sell High.

By Lowe Sell High.

I know I've made some investing mistakes.

You're following up Bitcoin with signing R.

Kelly to a $10 million deal.

Yes.

We have to give it cash on hand up for you.

I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, I'm putting every goddamn dollar I have into R.

Kelly.

And differences with my label.

Just say you fucked the kid.

Just say it.

I'm not going to censor you.

You want to put that in the song?

No more euphemism.

We'll go directly on.

We're going to cut out the middleman.

The fathers.

The FBI.

Yeah.

Anyways, betthesi.com, you can bet on that.

You can bet on whether

it is a premier sports betting website.

They've been in business over 20 years paying out fucking winners.

They offer live in-game wagering.

Change your mind, change your bets.

They got an award-winning mobile app, easy to use anywhere.

24-7, customer service.

You call them up, say,

I'm going to kill myself.

What else do they do?

Stop?

They have customer support.

24-7.

They do.

Customer support 24-7.

24-7.

24 days a week, 7 days a week.

24 days a month.

Yeah.

Seven hours a day.

Yep.

You got to figure out when, though.

We actually never found out what

the DSI stands for.

Deranged.

Black Entertainment Television doesn't seem interesting.com.

How about that?

Where's the BET?

BET.

BET.

Oh, Bet.

B.

Okay.

Oh, so I think BET is just BET.

Oh, Betsy just Bet.

And DSI is something.

Yeah, because it's a betting website.

Okay.

Bet.

But Black Entertainment Television doesn't seem interesting.

That's pretty good.

Why would they be in the gambling business, though?

Because it's a gamble to have that as a name.

That's true.

It's a gambling website.

It's a gambling website.

It's a sports.

No vents?

No Vents.

No, no.

That's a different

sponsor.

But they have politics bets, too.

Yeah, you can bet.

It's not just sports, baby.

You bet.

Will gangster

the new bachelor's hanging it up.

Oh, Bachelor bet.

You can bet on that.

I think, you know what they should do with the New Bachelor?

They get a straight guy, and it's mostly women, but then two like gay black men or whatever.

Okay, and are they really hot?

Yeah, but and if he doesn't pick those guys,

he's shaming campaign on social media.

We bully this guy into picking them.

I always said they should do they should do the gay bachelor.

Deontay, I guess you get a rose.

They should do the gay bachelor and have one gay guy.

Of course, you'd say you should have

a bad one.

But then they'd all

the gay bachelor starring Adam Freedom.

Starring me.

Check out my cool apartment.

I'm gay.

I'm stylish.

No, but then what would happen was all the contestants would just be like, why do we have to just compete for this one guy?

And they just all start fucking each other.

Yeah.

And it wouldn't work.

Which was that show Temptation Island.

Yeah, right.

Remember to make it happen.

You know what?

Temptation Island was so funny because it was like NBC had Survivor.

They're like, people compete

on an island.

And then Fox was like, people, fucking.

Yeah, I think it's funny.

That's it.

Yeah.

It's just fucking.

all they do is fuck.

That was awesome.

Yeah, you know what, though, Adam?

The show you just talked about, I remember watching love to watch.

That's a bachelor.

It would be better than the regular

fucking shit.

I remember watching

Temptation Island when I was like 11, 12, whenever that was on.

Oh, yeah, Jack Office.

And just being like, man, I'm never going to have sex.

Yeah.

I would beat off the table.

I'm just never going to fuck.

They should break up.

I'm not hot with ass.

I'm not ever going to be.

You can't line me up at the edge of a pool with other people.

I would go to the pool and take my shirt off and crawl to the edge of the pool as fast as possible.

Covering yourself.

Submerge my body.

And it'd be like, no, it's magnification.

Just up to my nose in water in the deep end.

Don't look at me.

They should throw an ugly guy on Temptation Island just for like, just so everyone's fucking and then one guy's just mad.

Yeah.

Well, you can bet on who wins at betsi.com.

Yep.

They offer Live and Jane Wedgering.

This week we're going to be betting on

the fucking NFL.

Bet on the NFL this week.

So when you sign up, make sure you use promo code.

No, no, it's a buy week or something.

No, it's the Rams.

No, no, there's a buy before the Super Bowl.

Bet now who gets the buy.

You bet.

Put the money down.

It's not the Pro Bowl.

No, it's not the Pro Bowl.

No, no, no.

This week.

This games are this week.

No,

this is for Wednesday.

So this week is the Pro Bowl.

And then

this is the Super Bowl.

And as we know, the Super Bowl is the Cleveland Browns versus the Oakland Raiders.

So bet on that.

You fucking idiots.

You fucking piece of shit.

You fucking gambling retards.

Oh, I should also mention that the shows for this week have been moved.

I had some problems with

the fucking venues in Delaware and Hartford.

They're posting.

Oh, wait.

This episode comes out on the 23rd.

Yeah.

On Wednesday.

Yeah.

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is today, the 23rd, which is today.

We're recording.

So if you were coming to Hartford, Delaware, you've already got a lot of time.

This episode was actually recorded on July 7th, 2016.

Yeah.

Every episode of Comes.

No pressure.

Come to us.

There was one non-stop conversation that happened two and a half years ago

that we've now edited into pieces.

We should do that.

We should just do random assistance.

I've been living in Tahiti fucking native.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nick's Colonel Kurtz or whatever the fuck his name is.

Nice, dude.

You got it.

Did I get it?

Is it Kurtz?

It's Kurtz.

Yeah.

So when you sign up, make sure you use promo code COME120 so they know we sent you.

When you sign up, you've got some options.

You can just play and cash out.

Or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables.

It has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.

So if you're going to be in the sports book, which is where we like

being in the sports book.

I love being in the sports book.

You can use promo code CUME120 up to $1,000.

They're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which would turn $1,000 into $1,600 to play with.

And we know you guys like playing with stuff.

Bet the SI.com.

Come 120.

Let's start the show.

Let's start it well.

Yo, what if the S stands for sportsbook?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Bet the sports book.

The sportsbook incredibly.

Yeah, nice.

I guess we figured it out.

Yep.

I do think it's,

I don't trust a company that won't tell you what it stands for.

That's so true.

I think you guys should be suspicious of them.

No, no, you should not.

No, still use their service and give them their

money, but be very suspicious.

Yeah, furrow your brow while you do it.

Yeah, make sure you do a lot of brow furrowing.

Brow furrowing.

But yeah, Hartford and Delaware are going to happen at a different week, guys.

But still come see me in San Diego and L.A.

San Diego on the 27th, L.A.

on the 2nd.

And then come to Funny Moms, which is,

I don't fucking know, the 28th.

I won't be here, unfortunately.

But we got a great lineup for you.

Joe List.

Mm-hmm.

He'll be there.

Somebody else will also be there.

Some other people.

A couple other people.

Ah, fuck.

Brenda.

What's up, man?

So you're not fucking these death hoes no more.

No, I'm seeing somebody I pissed in her bed.

Sexually?

No, man.

Do you get into piss shit?

No, I don't like that.

Wait,

have you tried it?

What?

No, no.

In the shower once I pissed on a girl, but more as a joke.

Yeah.

You know,

just always.

What, like, as like a jellyfish thing kind of thing or like in the mouth?

No, on her leg, you know, behind her.

It wasn't sexual.

I don't like it sexually.

You should try it.

Everybody should try it.

I'm open to it.

Lisa's talking about it becoming the sexual thing.

No.

I did.

I don't give a shit what Lisa is, though.

When did you on record as saying this?

Like

a year ago, because I was doing a thing about

everybody talking about eating ass or whatever.

It's like, oh, shit.

First of all, I was eating ass when I was 16.

That's the thing.

I'm sick of this people saying what's new.

I ate ass before I even ate pussy.

You didn't know which one was which.

I licked a girl's ass in fucking middle school.

I licked a girl's ass.

You ate ass in middle school?

Yes.

Yes, I licked a girl's asshole in middle school because I just thought that's what I just wanted to.

I just went with what I wanted to do.

And that's what I fucking want to do.

And now, two years ago, I got to hear everyone going, Eden ass is in.

Exactly.

Eden ass was never out.

Exactly.

And now people are going, pissing is the next big thing.

Fuck you.

There's a guy.

There's guys that have been pissing in women's mouths since 1974.

That's what I'm saying.

But don't act like it's a new goddamn thing.

All I'm trying to do is preempt it.

Because

the pissing thing is starting.

Maybe I didn't see it yet.

But I feel like the pissing thing is starting.

And I'm trying to, before these fuckers can say, look, this is me.

This is me buying R.

Kelly.

I'm buying R.

Kelly.

It's not my bit.

It's your bit.

I'm protecting my client's interests.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

Who's the number one pisser?

He's the number one pisser.

Oh, shit.

Tough pisser in the game.

I'm sorry that I had to spell it all out.

So you've been a piss guy for a long time.

I just don't.

I've done it.

It's whatever.

Yeah,

I'm not into it.

I'm open to it.

It can be something.

If a girl said piss in my mouth, I'd say, I will gladly.

Yeah.

I'd love to.

I'd fucking love to.

But it doesn't get me off.

But you know what I mean?

If it gets her off, it literally can't get you off because you're pissing.

But if it gets her off, great.

I'm right on board.

You know, it doesn't get anyone off.

It'll piss all over your fucking face.

Going to the bathroom.

But no, this was the non-sexual, stone cold, sober.

I'm sleeping.

Sober.

I pissed her.

And

as a drunk, I never pissed the bed.

As a kid, I never pissed the bed.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere.

As an adult.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, three weeks into a relationship, I pee the bed.

And not like a half pee, and I wake up and then you're rest.

I wake up hours later, unrelated, and I'm covered in dirty.

Yeah, and so I'm lying there.

Did she realize it?

Well, she, so she's sleeping, and I'm going,

do I roll her in?

You know what I mean?

You roll her in, rub her in.

You don't spit on her pussy.

I don't want to embarrass you, but

your pussy leaked all over.

Well, that's the other thing.

You got so wet while you were sleeping.

That's the sad thing.

I'm like, is this, is it, is it smoth?

Could I say I came?

You know, like,

I don't know.

You squirted.

You did this.

You did this to me.

I fucking, I fucking had a wet dream.

That's how much, yeah, it smells like ammonia.

That's love come.

You know, but uh, damn.

But she was cool about it.

She works.

Vent dia side.com, by the way.

She wanted it.

Right.

Any industrial grade ammonia products.

Vent DSI.

She works with toddlers, so she goes, I'm kind of used to this.

I'm like, well, and you're people.

I go, I didn't want to be lumped in with them.

I guess this is all.

I was hoping I wouldn't get thrown in with.

I fuck tossers.

I'm always fucking talking.

But yeah, man, that's like.

It should be like.

Stone Cold Sober.

Stone Cold Sober.

And you know, and

it was like a relationship builder.

Like, it should be.

Sure.

You know, in like a mag, a woman's magazine where they're like...

Let him piss the bed.

You want to find out if he's right for you, build an IKEA shelf together.

It should be like, piss the bed three weeks in.

You'll find out if she's the girl.

You know, like,

she handled it great.

Maybe she dipped your fucking fingers in warm water.

Maybe she was trying to figure out how you'd react.

Could be.

I don't know.

That's the thing about that prank is if

you don't care, it's not a prank.

The prank's on them.

True.

If they put your fingers in warm water and you piss yourself and you go, yeah, it's your fucking couch.

Yeah, I'm there.

A couple years ago, though, I had like maybe two beers before I went to sleep.

Yeah, and then I woke up and I was just like buzzed.

I don't know why I did it.

Maybe I was sleepwalking.

But I remember being lucid.

Yeah.

But I got out of bed and my laptop was like on the ground next to my bed, and I just started pissing all over my laptop.

And I was like, I was like, oh, that's not right.

And then I went and just pissed in the corner of the room.

Yeah.

That's not right.

Now, this is right.

Yeah, this feels good.

That was my issue before I got sober.

I never pissed a bed, but I would do that a lot.

And not in the wrong place.

And one time, my mom, one time I wake up, I'm home from college.

You know, I come downstairs.

My mom's like weird, you know.

And I go, What's, what's,

what's the problem?

And she goes, you don't know what you did last night?

I go, what?

And she goes, you raped me.

She goes, you fucked me.

You ate my ass.

You came home from middle school and ate my ass.

You drank my Heineken's and raped me.

You fucked me in the mouth.

And then you came too soon, you piece of shit.

No, so I come out of the, I come out of, I came out of the bedroom, and my mom was awake, and my mom goes, Brendan.

And apparently, I didn't say anything.

And I just faced my mom.

She goes, we were five feet away from each other.

And

you just pulled out your dick and started pissing on the ground, five feet away from me as I'm looking in your face, telling you to stop.

I go, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know what to tell you.

You know, sorry.

That's incredible.

He kept muttering, I love you, mommy.

Mommy, good sorry.

Mommy, I love you.

Jesus Christ, that's hilarious.

My buddy lived in a three-person dorm, and he had one roommate who was just the biggest piece of shit.

He'd get blackout every weekend and just piss in a different place in the dorm.

He'd open up drawers and like a dresser.

Yeah.

He'd piss in there.

My friend was in bed with another girl.

He pissed on him, the girl.

He came home he like staggered drugs just a good bit of trevor dude trevor was in bed with the girl and then his roommate just pissed

he peed on phil

he peed on everyone you remember uh uh uh well dana had the friend of the show dana had like this roommate that lived down like west coast atom yeah west coast atom

this guy lived down the hall and then the uh the girl lived next to her like in like the room next to her you know what it was so it's like two rooms at one side of the hall and then this other guy so the guy who lived at the end of the hall well anyways like one morning, the girl lives in the room next door, just is like, What?

What?

What the fuck?

Wait, you know, like, just like screaming or whatever.

And then you hear the guy be like, Oh,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you know.

And then, like, later, the story is that he had gotten up in the morning, slept, walked into a room, and started like shitting on her nightstand.

He just got went into it thinking it was the bathroom.

Well, Seebox sat down on the nightstand and just started forcing a turd out of his ass

on the nightstand.

That's insane.

I know.

Pissing is whatever.

But like,

just like you stoop.

I don't know what the fuck would you do?

You squatting and shitting.

But that guy was such like, you know, like, just like sort of like a buttoned-up DC guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you imagine?

Like, oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I guess I had

too many Cabernets.

Last night.

It's bar trivia that fucking rules

maybe I answered too many questions

bar trivia yeah right

I had a butterscotch candy

after 5 p.m.

I've been really into these YouTube videos of this uh it's this British guy that uh went to prison in Arizona he was like he became an ecstasy kingpin and did

seven years in Arizona and he does all these YouTube videos where people just ask him questions about prison and he did this video he's not still in prison no he's out out.

He did this video about the greatest shit slinger he's ever known of in prison.

Because shit slinging is like, you know,

it's for the guys.

And to be clear, we're talking about like

this is like not literal because that happens in prison also.

No, this is literal.

Oh, literal split.

This is literal split.

Like a baboon.

Yes, that's it.

And you put shit in the bag.

And

they're mostly people that have been

everything taken away from them.

So they're lifers who have their TVs taken away from so they have everything so it's like there's nothing you can really do so this guy was known as the best shit slinger like there's all sorts of signs like the guards couldn't come close I hope he has stirrups like like

and he would he would like mix the shit to the right consistency he'd keep it in milk cartons he had all bound bound he had like he would make tubes of out of uh out of newspapers he would make tubes to like shoot it out at the guard so they take him to shower one day and they're like, They're so careful.

Which would you use the sheriff?

They check him.

They check him.

They come to get him out of the shower.

He's been in the shower for you know, 15 minutes, whatever.

They check him everywhere.

They look in there.

They're very careful.

There's no holes.

He can't get out.

They look.

There's nowhere he could have put any shit.

So they're like, okay, put your hands out.

A fistful of turds.

Yeah,

he gets cuffed up.

He starts walking down the hall.

They're walking down the hall.

Is he nude?

What?

Yeah, Yeah, he's naked.

They're walking down the hall, back to his cell.

All of a sudden, he just starts spraying shit out of his mouth.

He took a dump, put it in his mouth, and swished it around for 45 years.

He's got the turds in his mouth.

He's lit up the town square with turds out of his mouth.

He swished the shit around in his mouth to make it like a fountain and just

spraying the garbage.

We're going to have to get the marshals in here.

And they're running around like fucking Abbott and Costello.

I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ, the shit's in his mouth.

That's awesome.

Good for that guy.

And all the prisoners.

And whatever harassment guy's the best shit slinger there ever was.

Well, I'll tell you, what's probably a lot better than having a bunch of human feces in your mouth is wearing boots from Thursday Boots.com.

I agree.

I agree.

Thursday boots.

They're really good boots.

Thursdayboots.com is a boots company that sells boots.

And you would think it's just on Thursdays, but it's not actually.

Thursday is.

It's just a name.

Yeah, I don't actually know.

There was a band named Thursday

why it's called that.

It doesn't matter, but they're good-ass boots.

And you know, the fucking they got the same shit that the big dick heritage brands have.

Oh, yeah.

Good review.

And they got special Chicago.

But they actually have bigger dicks than the Heritage brands.

Yeah.

Because those motherfuckers charge the same fucking do the same shit for higher prices.

Genuine buffalo foreskin.

That's right.

They cut the dick tips off of buffaloes.

Oh, yeah.

Stretch them over

the feet of paraplegics.

That's right.

So these are feet that have never touched the ground before.

No.

Soft.

Beautiful, soft.

Pristine.

Shaped beautifully.

And yeah.

So, you know, they get

these handicap kids and they chain them up down there.

No, they don't.

They're

chain them up down there with the buffalo.

No, they're in another room, and it's very nice and comfortable.

Yeah.

They're like, Can I go home?

They're like, It's not fucking Thursday yet.

I told you you could go home all Thursday.

And they've got a calendar that's only got Monday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday.

Why don't you look at the calendar, boy?

You and your gim legs can go home all Thursday.

We got buffalo dick boots to make.

And that, I think that's where it comes from.

Yep.

That's correct.

So let me ask you: you prefer clunky work boots or delicate fashion boots?

Cheap boots that fall apart after a few wears or shooting out $400 for a pair of boots to barely get you through one season.

No, for sure.

All of these are possible at Thursday.

No, no, no, no.

Hold on.

Well, here's not something you might know.

There's another option.

None of that bullshit.

Thursday Boot Company, a four-year-old boot-strapped startup.

They put bootstrap in quotation marks because it's sort of like a joke.

It's impossible.

It just gets impossible.

But what they mean is that there's children strapped to the ground from the basement.

No, they

don't mean that.

Strapped to the basement.

It's a combination.

Hence, a four-year-old startup.

No.

The company's been around for 10 years.

No, no, no.

And they pulled no four-year-olds in their basements.

No, it's a good company.

It has been shaking up the industry.

They hire like 11 years old.

They have been shaking up the industry.

That is true.

Everyone knows that.

Yeah.

That's how you get the kids to be paraplegic.

If you shake them as an infant,

create brainstem injuries so that they can't.

The industry is the kid's kid's name.

They've been shaking him up for years.

For four years.

The industry, you can go home on Thursday, boy.

You can go home on Thursday.

Now, shake your brother.

Shake your baby brother.

You better hope these boots sell, boy.

Hopefully, that cum podcast

do their job.

Maybe it'll be Thursday this week.

Oh, wait, here you go.

The brand started in 2014.

The name Thursday came about because on Thursday you work hard, but it's also the unofficial start of the weekend.

So true.

That's what I always say.

That is so true.

That's weird because

I thought they sent the four-year-old paraplegics home.

That's what it is.

I always thought that.

Thursday boots,

the first boot company they allowed Ian Fidance the name.

Boom Shaka boost.

Yeah, I had the best name for a shoe company.

It's Thursday.

Because on Thursday, it's the weekend.

You work hard, but it's the weekend.

You should be allowed to be gay on Thursday.

And your dad, looking down from heaven, doesn't get sad.

He's doing a bar mitzvah opening for Jerry Seinfeld.

Just some trust fun case.

You should be able to suck dick in a movie theater.

Ian.

Dick's name on this pick-sucking material.

It's okay to blow guys for crack.

They're like, who booked him?

It's an outdoor ed event in the fucking middle of school.

Guys, we got a comedian for lunch.

Thursday, you work hard, but it's also the interficient started a weekend.

Durable enough to take a serious beating.

Oh, come on, dude.

There's too much in this copy that feeds into the paraplegic kid thing.

Durbal enough to take a serious beating and sophisticated enough to clean up for a date.

So they beat and fuck the kids.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The kids are sophisticated.

Clean up, boy.

Why?

Is it Thursday?

No, no.

It's Wednesday.

It's Friday.

What happens on Wednesday?

I have to be a girl, dude.

That's right.

You got to be a girl.

Don't cry now.

You know you can't feel it with your numb ass.

You ain't got nothing past C3.

Don't act like you feel nothing going inside you.

I can feel it in my soul.

That's right.

You can feel it in your soul.

That's what keeps the boots off.

Anyways, Thursday boots are built for men and women who understand quality.

Want a good-looking pair of boots that will last a few seasons.

Made in the same North American manufacturing facilities as the heritage brands your parents and grandparents wore.

Not Adam's grandparents because they had their shoes taken away from them when they got to the camps.

They sell for two or three times the price.

Thursday boots are not only a better value, but they use better materials too.

Like the famous Chrome XL leather from the Horween Tannery in Chicago.

Oh, yeah, that's good shit.

Now you ever been there in Chicago?

The Horrween Tannery.

The Horrween Tannery?

I mean, really, they put that in here, and it's like, do people know what that is?

I have a boot game, maybe.

I just like the idea.

You lived in Chicago, right?

No, no, no.

You're just from the Midwest.

Cleveland.

I just always assume every Midwest comic goes to Chicago before New York.

That's fucking insulting.

Yeah, Mr.

Stereotypes.

I just like the idea of the guys.

Maybe I have like a black eyes.

I was like, you from Africa?

You from Comptown?

He went to Africa for comedy.

I like the guys at

Thursday's Boots.

Being like,

he did a the ad read.

We got a lot of sales from Cumtown, but the ad read

was largely about

child

molestation.

The child was paralyzed.

And then, at the end, I thought that was going to be the end of it.

And then he did a Holocaust thing.

Yeah, yeah, that was my favorite part.

Just sneaking that in.

Just sneaking in the holo.

Well, hold on.

We have to shit on the tannery, too.

Yeah, we have to shit on the tannery.

But it's from the Horowine Tannery.

So, I don't know.

Look that up.

I guess it's it's good how do you spell that um

uh g-a-y-a-d-a-n well i don't know i don't know if you want to i don't know if you want to be claiming a historical tannery in chicago because i don't know if any of you guys have ever read uh the jungle of course we've all read yeah we've all read up and sinclair yeah the the all right good job homework the beef industry in chicago is like notoriously like the worst place in the history of places yeah but you're not gonna knock that leather

where do you think the leather comes from yeah well from abused

the

chapter in the jungle entitled, It's Not Thursday.

It's Wednesday, girl.

Yeah.

We all know how the boots are.

Okay, so yeah, this is.

Look, I'm not saying, look, you can't say that they...

Look,

they can't get mad at that because it's like a lot of boot companies do that.

That's just how.

That's how boots are made.

If you want to make glue, you got to kill a horse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, if you ride up a horse.

Bad boots, then get a, then use a kid that's not paralyzed.

Right.

Right, go get some boots from China where the children just make the shoes.

I gotta say, these leathers look really nice.

At the Horween Tannery?

Yeah.

So the call to action here, with prices starting at $149 and free shipping and returns.

Free shipping and returns, mammia.

Thursday boots are the best buy for this winter.

And with their clean, timeless design and durability, Thursday boots will keep you standing comfortably for years to come.

I have fucked up feet.

I'm wearing some right now.

Yeah.

They are nice shoes.

They are nice.

You can't say they're not.

I don't even know what the fuck this company was, but before they even

sponsored us, it's like everybody, yeah, like my cousin was wearing them.

And then my cousin already had a pair, and then his mom got him like a gift certificate to the company, anyways.

You see that?

So people like my cousin who's not a fucking retard that has a podcast that you listen to.

He's a normal person.

Yeah, with a regular job that he has to show up to.

He's in a successful relationship.

He's smiling all that.

Sounds fucking gay.

He fucking texts me every month or two.

Like, we got to see each other.

No, we don't, bitch.

I have to play video games.

We do not need to see each other.

I want to, but I can't bring myself to attach to anyone, even people I've known my entire life, who I genuinely have feelings for.

And I can't bring myself to say I love you, too.

So that's kind of who the boots are for.

That's yeah.

So if you could say, if you've said I love you to anybody.

Yeah, if you've ever loved anybody.

Well, you know what?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This is for our fan base.

No.

Just buy the fucking boots.

Just buy the boots for you.

What?

You stupid asshole.

Give a tip to your fans.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

You know, and this

relates right into the boots.

Yeah.

You know, my dad, he's from Ireland.

You know, they don't have a lot of feelings.

He never told me he loved me.

Then I hung myself.

Yeah.

And now he tells me he loves me.

Whoa.

Yeah.

So all you got to do, if you got one of these dads that don't say, aren't good with the feelings, hang yourself unsuccessfully.

And they'll start sometime saying that.

Make a loose-ass knot with a fucked-up little blanket or whatever.

Yeah, you know?

And then for me, it's kind of a boy who cried wolf.

I mean, I don't want to be a dick or anything, man.

But, like, you know, we have a relationship with these companies.

If you can't say, like, wolf at shit.

No, but what I'm saying,

fucked up shit like that.

You're going to drop by this online.

No, I know.

What are you, fucking Chris Gethardt over here?

This is your little Chris Gethard hour?

Anyways.

Yeah.

Just chill out, all right?

Relax.

Nobody gives a shit about your fucking Mick Dad and his stupid feelings.

Relax.

Well, they don't do sales or discounts.

Head over to ThursdayBoots.com/slash town.

Town?

Yeah, I wonder why they chose that.

That's Thursdayboots.com slash T-O-W-N and get free shipping and returns.

And use our link so the boots people know we sent you.

No, we sent you.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the fucking show.

All right, go, Mites.

I'll tell you what, dude.

Lewis is kind of like Cosby.

It's like the impression doesn't need to be anywhere close to what Lewis actually sounds like.

Oh, just do that.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I have a son.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay in Puerto Rico.

He's just Cookie Monster.

Som, nom, nom, nom, Conston.

See is for penis.

That's good enough for me.

But cock monster,

C stands for cock monst.

No, it stands for penis.

But that's not, you're teaching the children the wrong thing.

Are you saying there's something wrong with being gay?

The children shouldn't know about it.

No, that's just not the alphabet.

I'm going to get you fired.

That's what cock cock monster.

Cock monster.

C is for penis.

They're like, that's not technically correct.

What do you mean by that?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Eat all the penis you want.

It's just C doesn't stand for penis, cock monster.

I love cock monster.

How dare you?

I love cock monster.

I'm telling.

I'm going to tell you.

I'm blogging about this.

I'm telling on you.

What is your immediate supervisor's email?

And his boss, also.

I took a video.

I'm going to own this Chipotle.

That is correct.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, great.

Well, last time out of the break, you gave us the pissing story.

Anything else, Brendan?

I don't know, man.

You know, I

she

the girl's bed, I peed in.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

She watches a kid, you know, and

she babysits.

That seems to be like the job everyone has to have.

Like, rich people just...

It's like no rich person ever looks after the bed.

The toddler sees the piss all over the bed, and he's like, who the fuck was here while I was gone?

Were you babysitting?

Were your babysitting someone else?

This is a Chinese woman.

I don't even know what toddler.

How fucked are you?

What?

Were she babysitting a 43-year-old Chinese?

Last time, I'm not fucked baby.

I'm not fucked baby.

I go, Wuma.

I did.

You let me go outside right now.

I did catch her fucking a three-year-old.

So that's fantastic.

Why don't you have a seat over here?

She babysits.

Just did this balls deep.

Give me a sec, Chris.

Yeah, yeah.

He caught the decoy girl.

He was already fucking her.

We have to give it a second before we cap.

According to Arizona law,

he has to actually be fucking the toddler before

to reveal.

Why don't you have a seat over here?

How come no one ever says,

oh, I knew this was you?

Like, that would be my thing.

I would say, no, I knew this was you.

I knew that you were.

I knew the thing.

I was trying to get on.

I could tell this was fake.

So I was like, well,

I'm going to catch you, Chris Hansen, and just come on and talk.

Yeah,

I just like the show.

Because it's like, what is the crime?

They were talking to an adult.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're like sending cockpicks.

Yeah, but it was an adult the whole time.

Yeah, but they think it's a child.

The kids, like, they're like, but if you say, I knew it wasn't, if you say this was a fantasy world,

I knew I wasn't dealing with a guy.

Yeah, if you, if you buy fake drugs from a police officer, it's like still like you're trying to do something.

I don't know.

I don't know the actual legality, but

there's a way that they can like

you guys got a real thing against a guy trying to fuck a 13-year-old.

Let me put it this way.

I'm like, I hear where you're coming from.

I hated that show.

I had a huge problem with that show because it's like, it's not really journalism.

It's sort of this morbid fascination thing.

And it's like, these people, like, you don't know, like, if they haven't offended yet, what should be happening is, like, hey, this is in private.

This is a fucking wake-up call.

Here's something that the state pays for to get you help so you don't ever actually end up fucking.

Do they sign the release so that they get like a reduced?

I don't think so.

I think because they're like committing a crime, you can show their face.

No, that's always been what I've heard about cops is that, is that if you're found guilty, you have no right.

You give me a case.

Because

it's in the public interest.

Which is fucked up.

That's crazy.

It's crazy.

Well, because the thing, you can, like, you can, there's certain things you can do that if they're in the quote-unquote public interest, you're like allowed to do.

You don't need a release.

Yeah, if you do something that, like, creates emotional distress to somebody that you can make an argument that it's like in the

public interest.

Is that why the guy from Girls Gone Wild didn't get any releases?

Because he's like, it's in the public interest to have these big-ass titties out there.

Did he not get releases?

On a lot of girls, he didn't.

Yeah,

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know.

I have no fucking idea about any of this shit.

I don't know.

I kind of looked into it.

I was joking that showing titties is in the public interest.

Yeah.

But it is.

It is.

But it's also.

We all saw Matilda.

There's got to be something wrong with you to like, your passion is to pretend to be a child and have cyber sex online all day long.

Well, I mean, I know you've got to catch these guys.

Like, I know the police have to catch these guys, but it's just, I always had a huge problem with cops.

Yeah, but it comes up, and not to be like it takes one-to-know one kind of thing, but it is like you're a pedophile, Brendan.

No,

I mean, I mean, like, to be that hyper-focused on, like,

of like, I'm protecting children.

It's like, you should be suspicious of that guy.

Because there was that, there was in, like, Prince Williams County, I think.

There was some, like, fucking detective.

It was unreason.com.

There was, like, a big story about some kid that got arrested because he sent his, like, he was 16.

He sent his like 50.

year old girlfriend

like a picture of his dad

the dad saw the girl's dad saw it they arrested the girl they arrested the boy they arrested the boy for like soliciting sex from a minor they arrested him for production of child pornography for taking a picture of his dad and how old was the boy 16.

they were both children yeah and and this is crazy yeah and the the uh detective in charge of the case had the kid in custody took him to the hospital so they could inject like i don't know see alice or something into his dick to to get his dick hard so he could take pictures of his dick hard as evidence to prove that it was

his dick.

Never mind the fact that the phone, it shows that it came from his phone.

He wanted supplementary pictures of this child's penis to help solidify the case.

Martin, I think we got him.

No, no, we got to get him to the hospital.

No one stopped him.

The staff at the hospital didn't stop him.

The fucking like DA didn't stop him.

Other people in the department didn't stop him.

This man was allowed to medically get this kid's dick card, traumatize him, inject a fucking syringe into, like, however the fuck they do it.

I'm going to assume they stick a giant needle into your dick card.

Or they get

blue chew.

Yeah, they, the officer.

A lollipop

has it on his mouth, and he applies it to the boy's penis topically.

So, six months later, there's like a child pornography staying.

Of course, that detective, his house comes up.

He just says he

has dozens of images on his computer, and he blows his brains out before they can get to it.

They're like kicking down the door and he kills himself.

But it's like,

there should have been some kind of like red flag there.

I mean, not so far as the extreme of like, okay, obviously the guy like getting this kid's dick hard to take pictures of it.

Yeah.

But like, I am suspicious of like people who are like, yeah, I pretend to be a child online all day long to try and get pedophiles to have sex.

Well, it's always, it's always the guys.

Like, I recently listened to this thing about

this guy who is the head of

one of the

largest gay conversion therapy programs there ever was.

A Christian one.

Not, you know, in the old days, it used to be like a not a Jewish one.

There are Jewish ones also.

No, there are Jewish ones.

Benjamin, how about $4?

I still want to be gay.

$5?

$6.

I'm not gay anymore.

Just give me the money.

So this guy.

A complete success.

This guy was like,

he ran this thing.

And...

Oh, yeah, those guys are always gay.

And, like,

dozens of kids killed themselves.

You know, because it's like, you can't, it's not a thing.

You know, like, gay conversions are not a thing.

Well, we turned them into a different kind of gay.

Yeah, yeah, we made them hate themselves.

It's still gay, but it's a different type of gay.

Yeah.

So there's at least a step in the right direction.

And then, of course,

this thing I'm listening to is like, we caught up to John in 2010 in Texas, where he lives with his husband.

And it's like, yeah, no fucking shit.

Of course he's gay.

And he went to life.

Probably, those kids probably killed themselves because they were being molested at the fucking camp.

Yeah, well, and not even the fucking thing.

It's not even the trauma of that.

Not that

it's not traumatic to have somebody tell you they shouldn't be gay.

But yeah, probably that guy was a pedophile.

Yeah, at the very least, he beat off to them.

Yeah.

Well, very.

I mean, the whole thing is, it's it's fucking.

Well, we should do.

Here's what we should do.

Yeah, the world is an entirely fucked up place, and children just shouldn't exist.

Yeah, I like.

You're right.

We should make them adults quickly.

No, I mean, look, that's my plan.

We need to reverse population growth.

I mean, yeah, children should be illegal.

It feels like they're just getting molested anyways.

You know, I don't think population growth.

I don't need any more X-Men movies.

You know, if that's a trade-off, no more children to molest.

We don't get any more X-Men movies.

So be it.

Yeah, shout out to...

I don't know how the fuck Brian Singer came out just bulletproof as hell.

His movie Wanted Golden Globe.

Yeah, it's almost like there's a

entire giant network of...

Wait, is he back?

Yeah.

Oh, dude.

They're getting him a new movie.

The movie.

Yeah, he's got a movie.

He's got a $10 million directing deal.

Yeah, he's back.

No consequences.

What's up?

Wow.

Well, they didn't thank him at the Golden Globe.

But

he's credited as a director on it.

Is he?

Do you remember?

Producer directed how to say it.

Moonves.

Is that how you say it?

How it's like, it's like, success.

He doesn't get $120 million.

Not only that, he's fighting for it, and he may get it.

He may get it.

And then the people are like, this is a step in the right direction.

You know, it's like, no, it's a fucking

disgusting traffic.

He's also already a billionaire.

Yeah.

Not going to jail.

Right.

Yeah.

Someone should kill him.

If that's what you want to do, I'm not saying you should, but theoretically, if you want justice.

There are a lot of people that should be killed.

We probably shouldn't say somebody should probably kill him about somebody that you should probably kill on the show.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, as long as it's.

There's certain people where it's just funny.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, if I say somebody should murder Brian Cranston, right, that is funny.

Yeah, because

I don't want to deal with post-breaking bad Brian Cranston.

Oh, so that.

Being in a fake wheelchair,

wearing scarves.

Dude,

that subway poster of Kevin Hart riding on the back of the wheelchair with Brian Cranston smiling is so funny.

Just the picture is so funny.

Just in that picture, it's like, you know, like, oh, we're acting.

Look at what happened.

We're such actors and whatever this fucking piece of shit movie is.

It's some French movie that they're just

speaking to, yeah, yeah.

They speak French.

No, no, they're remaking a French movie.

Oh, yeah, okay.

I thought it was a guy.

I thought it was a real guy.

No.

They just made that movie up.

It might be a real action.

They made it up.

Yeah, probably.

What the fuck?

That's what movies are, man.

I understand that, but I thought for sure that was one of the ones that was like a real guy.

That's the one where I'm like, oh, if you didn't, you just wrote that, I don't stand for that.

How about a movie?

How about a movie called I, Comma Sam?

And Toby's like, ladies and gentlemen, not only is this man retarded, he's also a robot.

A robot can't raise an eight-year-old, especially not a retarded one.

You know what I ever saw?

You ever see Children of Men?

Yeah, I did.

Great movie.

It ruled.

They didn't show the panicked pedophiles.

Yeah.

You know, as children are disappearing.

They shouldn't show it that angle.

Just one guy, like, oh, fuck, man.

There's no kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, what would those pedophiles be?

They brought that movie.

They brought the script for that to Dreamworks.

And the guys were reading it.

He's like, what do you mean there's a world without children?

Was this a horror movie?

No.

It's the most disgusting thing I've ever read.

Get this on my head.

Brian Singers like, no way.

No way will I do this.

You'll never be made.

No one will.

Some things aren't even funny to joke about.

Yeah.

I bet that happened.

Yeah.

Probably, honestly.

Yeah, that Les Moonviz shit is fucking ridiculous.

I know.

Would he rape or something?

He just straight up just rape, dude.

He was just like

rapist.

Not even

fucking rapist, man.

Yeah.

Damn.

He was one of the most powerful people in media.

Yeah, yeah.

It's funny.

It's like, but you know, just like calling someone in his office, like, yeah, like, you know, somebody that's in, like, it's not unreasonable.

This isn't like a Louis thing, like, don't go back to his hotel.

Right.

It's, it's

like, you're a fucking actress, and it's like, yeah, like, the head of like development wants to have a meeting with you.

It's fucking three o'clock in the afternoon.

Right.

And then you go in there and he's like, come take a look at this.

And he like pulls his dick out and shoves your fucking head on you.

Yeah, it's like, but it's dead.

It is fucking rape.

I see what you mean about not joking about killing him because he should be dead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, and then, you know, yeah, and then, well, like, you know, it's just like, well, you know, it's kind of a he said she said, he said it was consensual.

It's like, you have to, like, that's.

Come on, man.

It doesn't fall under the like, oh, it's an abusive power thing.

It's just rape.

I mean, there's like no other way to fucking.

I don't think he should get up at the cellar, personally.

Yeah, less.

No way.

No way you're doing spots, bro.

You're not welcome if I'm not making a book.

I'm not booking you.

I'm not sure,

I'm not booking you.

Yeah.

But then it's like that it's even on the table that it's like, well,

we don't know whether we should give him the $120 billion severance pack.

Yeah, well, he literally has the balls to sue for it.

He's suing for it right now.

And then someone asked, people asked, someone asked Chuck Laurie, who made a bunch of money.

And he's like, hey, that's above my pay grade.

Just to say whether he's a rapist.

He's like, first of all, Chuck Laurie, you made a billion dollars on doing a half-man who is richer than you, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, above my pay grade.

You're not making a wage, Chuck Laurie.

Like, what do you think you make, you idiot?

Yeah.

He's literally saying, listen, my silence has been bought.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

He's saying, I'm afraid to say a negative

about this man.

Beyond the fraid, I've been paid off to protect a rapist.

Yeah.

And that's all I'm going to say.

His lawyer's statement, just like that.

Yeah, he'd like to say that he's been paid money.

These prison videos I like to watch, that one question they asked the guy was, What is this?

Because now this is like what the third prison series is.

I love any YouTube series that's guys who got out of prison and will answer prison questions.

I like Jay Leno's garage.

And there's this one British guy who's particularly willing to answer anything.

Is that the guy that went to Arizona for ecstasy?

Same guy.

You know him.

One of the questions was,

will they kill Bill Cosby?

And what this guy said was, it will be up to, first of all, he'll automatically be in protective custody because he's such a big name.

Without, you know, right away.

Right.

It doesn't even have to be an instance.

But that doesn't matter.

They can still, especially if you're that big a name, they can still get to you.

I mean, they got to Whitey Bulger.

Right.

And what he said, what this guy said is it will be up to his race.

It'll be up to the blacks in whatever prison he's in.

Because that's just how prison is.

You deal with your own.

Like, it would start trouble

if a white, if the Aryan Brotherhood or the Mexican mafia, if they killed him, it would start trouble.

It's up to your own to

met out discipline.

So, how big a Cosby fan the black guys are?

Well, what he said will likely happen is that they will fucking bleed him dry and then maybe they'll kill him.

But first, they'll just extort the shit out of him for protection.

To stay alive, they'll basically be like, you know,

you are paying for all of our commissary.

You need to have someone on the outside meet this guy and give him X amount of money.

You know, he was like, he'll just.

He didn't sag your pants.

Yeah, he was like, he'll be bled dry of money for the whole time he's in there.

That's pretty good, I guess.

Yeah, I mean, because you'd think, like, oh, he's old, who cares?

So it's up to the Jews to kill Subway Jared.

And they are historically a very weak prison population.

No, that's not true.

We take care of our

Swift justice.

Yeah, how many Jews are in jail?

Oh, there's a.

There's actually not a single one.

There's not just Subway Jared.

Subway Jared.

Well, the interesting thing about Jews in jail is that you, depending on the prison.

You can't join the Aryan Brothers.

Yes, you can.

That's what's interesting.

Well, that's always been my first thought.

It's like, how do I...

Yeah, you should join the Arrows.

Not Adam.

Adam would be fucking.

Not everybody.

It's me.

Tough guy.

That's always a prison animal.

That's always been like, besides the ass rape and all that stuff, it's like my biggest fear is like, how would I convince the Aryan brothers?

Yeah, no, they don't care.

They don't care.

It's a white thing.

Yeah, it's not.

The swastikas and all that, like, they don't, they don't, they probably aren't going to love that you're a Jew.

Yeah, you're a Jew.

But like, they don't

chances for advancement within the ranks.

I'll be like, hello.

Does anyone know when Easter is?

I hear it's right around the corner.

Oh, I just love wearing my cross.

I love the way it feels.

That's interesting, huh?

The Jews.

So, yeah.

They'll take Jews, huh?

Yeah,

because they, whoever is in control of the whites, like, is, would be who your crew is.

So, you might not necessarily join the Aryan Brotherhood, but if they controlled the whites in your prison or your block, that would be who you answered to.

And they wouldn't kill you just for being a Jew.

You know, you'd be part of the white crew.

Interesting.

I watched a couple of those prison videos.

I remember seeing one that was like, how to continue bodybuilding in prison

and there was this guy that got out and he was like it's very tough man you know to get the right amount of protein and calories in or whatever but he was still like you know jacked just jacked but it's just so funny that that's like a concern in the bodybuilding community it's like fuck what if i go to prison and i can't hit my macros

i start losing muscle mass yeah right yeah that is a tough time in your life to lose muscle mass you want to be as jacked as possible for sure well no probably not you want to be like kind of down to like a fighting weight you don't want to be all bulky But if you're strong, yeah, that doesn't really carry over.

That would be so funny if I went to prison.

You guys visited me and my head was shaved.

And I was like, listen, guys, 1488.

Like,

we got to do something about these Jews.

That would be awesome.

No joke.

I would love it if you went full anti-Semitic.

And when I'm on the phone, I'm like, but Adam, you're.

And then Stop has to take the phone away.

And he's like, they're going to kill him.

All right.

All right.

What I meant to say is, you're not Jude.

Anyways,

the podcast is going great.

Oh, I mean,

no, it's just okay.

It's just okay.

It's fun.

Subscriptions haven't quadrupled since, you know.

Don't tell them,

you know.

No one can tell the Adam bot.

No one can tell it's not you.

I hope Cool Adam does a great job while I'm in.

Yeah, dude, it's just Cool Adam.

What are you in prison for?

Oh, I don't know.

Gay sex.

Yeah.

It's not illegal.

The way you do it, it is.

No, it's not.

It's so gay that the cops are like, no,

nothing this gay can be illegal.

It's against God, but it's not against the law.

Did you guys see that?

He's in prison for providing false testimony to a law enforcement officer when he gets so addicted to snitching, he's just making up.

He's like, I don't have any this week, but I just want to snitch so bad.

I just love tattling.

I saw some black guys rape a grandma.

All right, who was it?

Snitch Adam?

I'm doing the crimes.

Who was it?

I started doing the crime.

Yeah, fucking that's

season five.

Season five of the wire.

McNutty.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

What were you saying, Brendan?

Oh, man.

I'll tell you.

I don't remember.

No worries.

No, it sounded good.

What was it?

What happened?

You started laughing.

You were like, did you guys see?

Oh, yeah.

Did you guys see that fucking guy?

A guy in Florida

was.

He worked at a wildlife park,

and he was fucking an alligator.

And another alligator came up behind him and killed him.

Really?

Yeah, he was fucking it outigator.

That's because, man, it's all about what race you are.

You can't go outside, not in his wildlife part.

I love that because bestiality is so confined to, like, cows and dogs.

Yeah.

You know, there's like three horses.

This man was an innovator.

He's like, no, fuck it.

I'm going to fucking alligator.

Can you imagine how fucked up that alligator must be?

Because, like, they lay eggs.

Yeah.

Like, you're from a time when fucking didn't exist.

They're dinosaurs.

Yeah.

And, dude, the fucking big-ass alligator got got furious.

He was killing him.

He was his pussy.

He killed him.

He was like, that's my bitch.

Yeah, that's my bitch, dude.

That's wild.

That guy fucked it.

23-year-old guy.

His name was Jimmy Olson, like from Superman.

What does crocodile pussy even feel like?

And he was an expert.

You'd have to be an expert.

Wait, it's not this guy, is it?

Is it that guy?

Because this is on Snow's and says it didn't happen.

No, no, no, no, no.

This was in the news this week.

Oh, a Florida man has been arrested after a report he was tranquilizing alligators in the Everglades and then raping.

No, that's that's

this sounds real.

I want to believe it's real.

No, it's real.

I saw it on CNN.

Yeah,

no

CNN, let me tell you, they had a story the other day about a man having sex with alligators.

Can you imagine if CNN accidentally ran that story and

how much Trump would have if that turned out to be bullshit?

And say we would hear about the alligator sex

every single day.

Is it this guy?

Yes, yes.

Hold on, let me see.

Oh, wow.

That guy's amazing.

Yes, yes.

He's perfect.

Oh, yeah, dude.

He looks like that kind of like person that's

like a animal.

Yeah, where you can't tell if it's a man or a woman.

Azugi was killed this morning in the alligator enclosure of the Naples Zoo while he was attempting to sexually assault a 12-foot-long reptile.

According to Captain Henry White, spokesman of the Naples Police Department, 24-year-old Jimmy Olson was engaged in full sexual intercourse with one of the younger reptiles.

So he was fucking a baby alligator.

It's pedophilia and bestiality.

Yeah, fuck a big one.

The young man was caught by the throat by the alligator who dragged him underwater and drowned him.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

This says it's fake.

It's fake.

And it was on CNN?

Ah, fuck.

Someone get this to Donald Trump right now.

It must not have been on CNN.

Fuck.

It's fake.

Fuck.

Damn it.

Oh, fuck.

I was so excited about this.

I was so excited about it being on CNN.

Can you reverse Google image search that guy?

Because whoever he is,

he rapes probably.

Well, that's a rough deal when they just use your picture.

You can't use your picture

for a viral story about fucking alligators.

Is there some guy who loves reptiles?

He's dedicated his life to them.

It's like, oh, actually, he rapes everybody.

Baby alligator.

He goes on, they Google him, and he's like, no, I don't fuck alligators.

I've never fucked an alligator.

That's beautiful, man.

Yeah, no, yeah.

It's on.

Shit, that's, I normally don't fall for that kind of thing.

That's all right, man.

They got me.

They got me.

Okay.

It's so good.

I wanted to believe it.

I understand wanting to believe.

Yeah, I truly do.

That's so funny.

Yeah, bummer.

Bummer.

But you do never get a guy that's into like, it's always, it's bestiality is always horses,

dogs, cows, and sheep.

You never get a guy that's like, I can't do it.

I got a fucking bird.

Yeah.

Silently fucking.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just a turtle.

Yep.

What's the weirdest animal you fuck?

Who?

That I would see

outside of the brow.

Yeah, yeah.

Put it in me, whoo.

I told you it's me, Stavros.

You're letting it go.

Yeah, what animals.

There's a clip.

What animal do you think has the best pussy?

I think horse pussy is the best.

It's probably big, though.

No, horse pussy is huge, man.

Yeah, but it's still probably good.

It's probably good.

Here's, I'm only basing this, and I've told this story every day.

I'm just going to Google what picture of a horse.

I looked because we were trying to get my friend, and I've talked about this before, we were trying to get our friend Ramsey

in college to have sex with a horse.

And he was like, no, man, I would never do that.

We're like, come on, we'll throw it.

We were all going to pitch in like $100 each.

We were going to give him $500 to fuck a horse.

My friend lived on a farm.

Yeah.

And he was like, I'm not doing it.

I don't care how much money.

And then we showed him a picture of a horse pussy, and he was like, huh.

The horse pussy looked good, dude.

Right, Adam?

Doesn't it look good?

One time.

I got an answer according to Google.

Okay.

Damn, look at the size of the horse.

Apparently, it's a uterus.

Yeah, but the pussy.

It's the fucking size of a basketball.

Nice.

But the pussy's small, though, right?

No, I don't think so.

It scales up.

No,

they got to give birth to a scientist.

He's like the size of my entire arm.

Yeah.

Apparently, they did a study and said that

manatee pussy is the closest to human puss in the animal kingdom.

That's what mermaids are, probably.

They got to track down the guy who did that study.

You got to keep an eye on him.

This is so funny.

This is from bodybuilding.com forum.

It's a big bitch.

That's why the manatee feels.

Wait a minute.

The manatee pussy.

Yes, I'm a scientist.

The fuck you you mean is you a scientist?

I got a clipboard, don't I?

With a fuck your lab code at.

Anyways,

I digress back to my results.

The manatee pussy feel like big bitch pussy.

You know what I'm saying?

Because

the blubber.

See, no, that's why I'm saying she loves.

She's going to be loving on your dick with all that

manatee fat come around.

I really think that's probably how mermaids came along.

People in the fucking, like, pirates would fuck manatees and they'd be like, oh, yeah, dude, it was.

That's not even like how you use your pussy when you fuck a human.

This woman just doesn't know how to.

You're looking at a woman fucking horse.

So I was looking for a horse pussy, but then I found a woman fucking a horse.

Can I see real quick?

But she's inserting it directly.

I mean, this is how a four-year-old.

Because they'll kill you.

Might I see?

The horse dick will kill you.

Might I see, but I don't even understand that.

Yes, you can see it from there.

No, I want to look at it closer.

Oh, yeah, but that's, she has to do that.

Just look at the the size of that thing if she actually she was bent over put that in her puss and she that thing would go in do you guys ever kill oh you mean like this motherfucker i've watched a lot of horse fucking porn i know that women do it the regular way have you guys have you watched i'm saying this is dumb and she's doing it a dumb we uh me and greg were on uh Lewis's podcast.

Here we go.

And he goes, here we go.

Let's see this.

Guy pounds horse pussy at animalflicks.com.

How is that just on Google?

Why is that legal?

It's not.

It's not.

It's definitely illegal.

I feel like Google blocks that usually.

Are you like on a special service?

No, I just typed in a horse pussy.

I was just a duck web just on his phone.

I got on his phone on the dark web.

Bro, I have never stumbled upon a man fucking a horse pussy ever.

Well, here's the thing.

I've seen plenty of horses fucking women on this show.

Sure, of course.

And I've seen Mr.

Haynes.

I have

I'm not broad to admit it, but I did jerk off to one of those in like when I was 14.

In the Kaza days.

We, oh, Kaza, you because you would get surprised by that.

You had to

jack off to

15 hours.

I'm older than you, and so I used to have to wait even for a picture to load.

Yeah.

And so, whatever, and like my mom.

Oh, wow, dude.

This is a guy

going down on a horse.

No.

That guy looks like a guy that goes down on a horse.

I think that's my uncle.

He looks like Ray Cump.

Yeah, he really does, dude.

That is Ray Cump.

He's like in a horse's dick.

Yeah, there's a girl I'm talking about.

That's a horse dick.

Yeah, I just, there's a girl I've met the other day.

We should have Ray Cump on.

But you used to.

No, we really hit it off the other day.

I mean, the horse.

I found a sugar cube.

We had a very nice drive.

We really hit it off.

You used to just have to jerk off to whatever picture came.

True, it was weird.

Because, like, my mom was only gone for so long and it would take an hour and a half.

So it was like, well, whatever

I'm jerking off.

I used to go on Kazan.

I'm riding a horse.

I used to go on Kazan.

And I would download the same two videos, or same two pictures, like every day.

Yeah.

It was Still from Swordfish, Halley Burry's Tits.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, class.

And then a picture of

Lisa Welsh, who was like missed September 1980.

Nice.

And those were the two images I'd beat off.

You're go-to, beat-off, repeated.

I would beat off to In Water World with Kevin Costner.

Yeah.

There's a part where they're all smoking.

No,

there's a part where you finally see Kevin Costner's Costner's gills.

No.

No, where the woman offers herself.

She offers herself to Kevin Costner and she drops her clothes and you just see her ass.

And like, this was when I was very first beating off.

I would pause the VHS so much that that part became unwatchable.

You got that shit on me.

I did that with Eliza Jouche.

I had like a blank VHS tape that I had recorded all of the 2 a.m.

Like, call now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I had a combination move.

I had a DHS of like

a sex phone call hotline that I would just masturbate to.

Respect.

That's good.

That's a good thing.

You planned it.

I've earned that.

And I had to keep it secret, too.

So it's just sandwiched in between Simpsons episodes.

Wow.

Wow.

Salute, bro.

That's the most I've been impressed by anything you've done.

The sandwich brings up an interesting point.

My friend, Drew, we found...

a porn tape of his dad's, right?

Yeah.

And it's 45 minutes of normal, like, 70s.

His dad doing karate.

It's 45 minutes of normal

French porn.

And then 45 minutes in, this woman just gets fucked by a horse.

And you realize, like,

this is clearly the point of the video.

Like, it's just, you know what I mean?

It's for a guy that's in.

Nobody's like into both.

You know what I mean?

It's for a guy who wants horse fucking, but you put a little protection up front in case anyone finds it.

Oh, salute to Drew's dad.

My man was beating off the girl.

girls getting fucked by horses in the VHS.

Yeah, in the VHS, that must have been expensive.

That was probably $450.

Damn.

That's rare.

Yeah, we have more stuff in best rooms.

But it's very important.

You'll never beat auto this after midnight.

Dude.

Yeah, I'm looking for something for my son.

He's like, yeah, you got a Mo Guide?

No, I have a video of woman fucking horse.

Me and Greg were on Lewis Gomez's podcast one time, and he goes, I don't know how this came out, but he goes, We had this friend in the neighborhood.

When I was growing up, he would fuck a cat as a joke.

And me and Greg go,

I don't think that was a joke.

You know, when you fuck a cat.

Lewis grew up in the junkyard from street tracks.

It's generally not a

neighborhood

when you fuck a cat.

Hey, guys, check out this joke I made up.

Yep, we're all gathering around watching me fuck this cat as a bit.

Yeah, we all lived out in the same burned-out Pontiac Bonneville.

My friend Richie would fuck a cat.

And that was school, actually.

That was what we had instead of elementary school, was my friend sodomizing feral cats.

And it was so funny because you couldn't tell what was manged and what was dried cum.

Cat pussy has to be terrible, no?

Yeah.

bet.

I mean, but the noises have got to be great.

The noises are terrible.

Have you heard a cat being fucked on the street like two feral cats fucking?

It's terrifying.

Yeah, I love that shit, dude.

It's raped.

I just imagine I'm fucking Rob Halford as they do it.

Breaking the law, breaking the law.

Fucking my ass, fucking my ass.

There I was completely wasted.

Drunk as shit and nude.

Tied up in a dirty basement, making shitty boots.

All right, that's got to be the capper, right?

How long are we done?

That'll be an hour and 33 minutes.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Well, Thursday boots.

One last time, guys.

Please come see me in motherfucking San Diego this Sunday, and then LA on this February 2nd.

And then we got Funny Moms on the 28th.

And then my birthday, Funny Moms, on the 11th.

Whoa.

That's right.

So come out to that.

Maybe some surprises.

Dobbs' final birthday.

It'll be my 30th and last birthday.

His last birthday before he dies.

Also, make it clear.

He's going to die.

He will be dead this year.

That'd be funny if we had kind of a memorial service for you.

Yeah, it would be funny if we had a funeral instead of just letting his body rot on the floor of Come On Everybody.

Also, I have dates for the makeups.

I just got them during the show, actually.

So I'm going to be doing a Saturday in Hartford 2.16, same show, Elbow Room, and then in Delaware that I had to move is now February 22nd, a Friday.

So sorry I had to move those.

Problems with the venues, but we got it figured out now.

But yeah, that's it.

And of course, listen to the motherfucking Rad Dude Castle.

Rad Dude's podcast.

Thank you, Brendan.

Thanks for doing the show.

Slash Rad Dude.

Yeah, yeah, slash Rad Dudecast.

Thank you guys so much for that.

Of course.

This was so fucking lovely.

Love having you.

Thank you for talking about all the weird shit you've done sexually and pissing in your mom's mouth and whatever.

I don't remember, but

you fucked Brendan's mom's mom.

Yeah, I fucked Brendan's mom, yeah.

Yeah, me too.

We all fucked Brendan's mom.

She was a nurse.

Nice.

Oh, and

she fucked Bugs Bunny.

In the old days, you had to jack guys off as a nurse.

Well, you know.

Yeah, my grandma was a nurse, so I know about all that.

Yeah.

Is that true about the old days?

Oh, yeah.

Those were good times.

Those were good times.

You came in from World War II.

You're missing a leg.

I think about that.

And that's the thing, man.

Nobody other than straight white guys.

Like, it's not like.

And this is a burden we deal with.

A lot of people don't fucking realize.

It's like, yeah, we have a lot of privilege now, but we used to have so much more

go off.

And it's like, you don't have to hear that all the time.

It's like, oh, yeah, you used to be able to just fuck anyone who was your employee.

You were drunk all the time.

You had $9,000 suits that you would wear for some reason.

That cost $12.

You had a mansion because some guys you played fucking shuffleboard with at Princeton.

You're dumb white guy.

You just be able to get an extra mansion.

You get too much pussy and you have a mansion and you just hate everybody.

And that's the way it got to be in the 50s.

And you have to, you almost have to cheat on your wife.

You have to.

They almost make you.

Yeah, you gay words.

You call it gay.

You ever read Something Happened by Joseph Heller?

No.

Yeah,

it's great, but it's just about, you know, just some fucking 70s middle-class guy that's just like, and it's, yeah, like, well, I guess I have to just fuck my wife.

Yeah.

Fucking cheat on my wife all the time.

Yeah.

Hate her.

My daughter's a whore.

Like, oh, fuck her, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck his daughter, the guy from that novel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, folks.

Bye.

Bye.

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