Ep. 140 – fake news

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And

Mike Hunt.

And we're gay.

And we're gay.

Breaking news tonight.

Being gay turns out to be cool.

Actually, a recent diagnosis from a doctor labeled one newscaster a homosexual.

Whoa.

Why America is changing its mind about being gay?

I don't think we are, Jim.

Yes, we're actually not Jim.

Actually, yes, we do.

Jim, just read the prompter, Jim.

We actually recently found out.

Jim!

Actually, someone get this homo out of here.

Good afternoon.

It's December 22nd, 2007, and being gay is no longer bad.

I don't know about that.

Jim, still putting bad.

Mama's not even for it yet.

Yeah, we don't even.

Hillary Clinton says she doesn't know.

Everyone still thinks it's bad.

Hybrid cars are still called gay.

Currently, the Democrats are running a, they put a bill in to call hybrid cars gay.

Damn.

2007, what heady times.

The end of the most beautiful George W.

Bush administration.

Now, now they're giving fucking free semen to gay kids in school.

Yeah, dude.

Yep.

If you're a gay kid, you can't afford lunch.

You get a bunch of free cum to drink.

You just get a ladle full of cum slopped down on your styrofoam tray.

Yeah.

Right next to the fucked-up little cardboard-ass-looking pizza.

All paid for by Uncle Sam.

Yep.

Their uncle.

Yeah, I was watching my 600-pound life the other day.

Yeah.

I love it.

I love when they just choose a part of the woman's body to censor.

They're like, I guess this is the best thing.

That's it.

I guess this.

We have to pick one fold, maybe this folder.

Her tits are so facing down, you don't even see the nipple.

I don't know.

Looking at this woman,

as soon as I look at her, the song just starts playing in my head.

This is Halloween.

This is Halloween.

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween.

Why?

This town.

Because she looks like Mr.

Boogie Boogie.

Oh.

I don't remember that movie that well.

I don't either.

Yeah, I love that movie.

Yeah, I would watch that movie over and over and over again.

I remember Jack Skellington.

I remember the fucking

bitch that poisoned the guy with the slotted spoon being hot.

That poisoned the guy.

And being like the archetype for

a lot of women in our age.

Sally.

Yeah.

Hot type of goth.

I've been looking at a lot of Tim Burton/slash Dio Toros Muertos.

Who voice Sally?

Does anyone know?

No.

Call in now.

Good afternoon.

You're listening to the Ken Levine show.

I'm going to say it was the Helena Bonham.

New York Public Access.

Probably.

That's just my guess.

It's a public official.

Did he smash?

He smashed.

He was married to her, right?

He must have been.

Paul Poundstone?

Paul Poundstone.

No, Tim Burton.

Tim Burton fucked Paul Poundstone, yeah.

With her fucking scissors.

I just watched a movie recently.

It called him Edward Scissor Hands.

A bunch of lesbian shit.

Shut up.

Drew a little pussy in between his middle and I was laughing about it.

Like an Italian guy, his wife asked him to go down on her.

And he's like,

I'm not a fucking lesbian.

What I look like, a fucking dyke?

Everybody's going to think I'm a fucking lesbian.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It is so funny that they think that's gay.

Yeah.

The least.

I mean, eating pussy?

Eating pussy.

Yeah.

Uncle Junior loves pussy.

Older black men think that too, right?

I think so.

Either they think it's

black guys or they think it's the most sensual thing in all the time.

It's like, because I feel my gayest when I bust too early.

Right.

That's the gayest feeling.

Right, absolutely.

Yeah.

And your boyfriend's like, Timothy, and you're like, my name's Nick.

How many times are you going to tell you?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm Timothy.

Would you, is that your gay name?

Timothy?

Yeah, no, Nicholas is gay, too.

Nicholas does say.

That's a pretty gay name.

No, but the full version is the gay sound.

Why do gay guys not like diminutives or nicknames?

They always like Christopher!

Because,

you know, it's the opposite of their place in society.

They like the full name or they're marginalized in society.

They want their name nice and long.

I love being a woke-ass thing.

Hear that, man?

I love it, like.

So they make their names long and the dicks they suck even longer.

When you first heard marginalized, did you think about it?

That was marginalized.

Yeah, and I got hard.

I love those.

People that get into woke, woke stuff because they want to feel like good people or whatever.

That makes sense.

But there's people who get into woke stuff because they think it makes them smart.

They'll be like, Oh, yeah, I know how to think about this.

Yeah, you know,

which is okay, sorry, what happened?

I thought you went out for a second, but I think the headphones just sucked, dick.

I switched them back to the dominant right ear or left ear, I suppose.

Yeah, Stop.

When are you going to go on my 600-pound life?

Never bitch.

When you hit that 600 pounds, I'm 20 more pounds.

Yeah, yeah.

Then you'll get a TV credit, baby.

As long as I don't have a heavy dinner tonight, I'm staying off the street.

So I bro's how he is

from the late the from late night with Jimmy Fallon, my 600-pound bite.

That's right.

I was on Credit Network.

I was on Tom Papa's show, Baked.

MSG.

MSG.

MSG Food Network.

There's like every shitty open comedian when I started.

That was like, I do have a TV credit, though.

You may see me on cops.

Right.

Yes, of course.

That was a good thing.

That's funny.

You see me on cops when I raped.

what was the local like

public access

virgins for what it's for if you had Muslims saying they get 72 virgins when they go to fucking heaven it's like shit 72 whores oh yeah I was yeah yeah that joke was awesome I was under the impression you could rape as many people as you wanted

it's fucking heaven it's for eternity you're gonna rip that shit to 72

motherfucker I can rape 72 virgins in fucking six hours

That's what I call a fucking appetizer.

What's the entree?

It better be a fucking infant.

I'm not doing all this good.

I'm going to spend my whole life not raping infants to get to heaven

and just bust in what?

Half a freshman class of high school girls.

That's what you got for me.

Too old for him, huh?

I got an AR-15 at home.

I could go into any fucking school in this district and get 72 virgins before the call even gets into 9-1.

Yeah.

Look, I said fuck.

I didn't say finish.

Oh, true, true.

I'm sorry.

I apologize, sir.

Round them up.

Round them up.

Let me get one

pump.

One dip in each.

What was that?

That is actually very funny.

And that guy would come hang out at Mr.

Smith's afterwards.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, this comedy thing is pretty cool, man.

Honestly, that joke is.

What's your name?

Clint?

That joke's not bad.

It isn't bad.

Compared to everyone did do 72 horse.

That's why I made it, and that guy didn't.

Yeah.

That's a good bitch, shit.

Man, that's a fucking appetizer.

That's the damn appetizer.

The open mic guy I missed the most, and there wasn't a lot of them, but he would show up is like the guy that would just talk about being in jail.

Ooh.

One of those guys?

I only got, there's only a taste of that guy.

You would think in Baltimore you get more, but every once in a while you would get like a very hood newcomer to comedy.

They would go to sidebar because they just looked it up, and it would be like

I mean, it would be hilarious because it's like

just a shitty fucking punk bar and it's a bunch of fucking loser, you know, white open migrants.

And then they're just nervously laughing at him, talking about how he raped people in jail and shit like that.

That was awesome.

Shit.

You know better to sleep on your fucking stomach.

Do you?

Damn, will they fuck your ass if you sleep on your stomach?

No.

I'm a stomach sleeper.

I'm a back sleeper.

Always prepared.

I've been afraid of that shit for years.

Oh, yes.

You learn your lesson when you're down.

Adam wakes up and somebody's holding his ankles up.

He's fucking

fucking sleeping.

God damn it, it didn't work.

Just fucking a missionary style.

Looking at him in the face and kissing him.

His His fucking giant belly is just rubbing against your

soft stick.

He's just kissing you.

He's just like having passion and gay sex with you.

Hold on to my fucking biceps, bitch.

I love icons.

Tell me how fucking big my biceps are, bitch.

Yeah.

Kissing your neck and shit.

He's like, kiss my neck.

He's asking you to kiss his neck.

That's fucking good pussy.

Ooh, fuck, bitch.

That's such good pussy.

Thank you, Daddy.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I guess being raped face to face has to be way worse.

I would say so, yes.

When we're out together and I'm raping you face to face.

Face to face.

It's a little song

in San Frangelico.

As your gentleman, maybe remember the tune.

When you're raping girl, face to face.

Thank you.

When you're raping,

when you're raping,

the whole world rapes with you.

When you rape.

That's right.

I forgot the song.

Yeah.

When you smile.

When you're raping.

When you smile,

the whole world rapes your mouth.

I played the song the Starlight Lounge, 1973, Reno, Nevada.

Right after I was raped, brutally.

Reminds me of a story when I was at the road, Reno, Nevada.

I was raped.

I was raped by the night manager at the hotel I was staying in.

I went to the police, they laughed at me.

We all know, and the police never believe a victim.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Wayne Newton.

Hello, everybody.

Do you all know there's no such thing as a perfect victim, but I'm pretty damn close.

I

was red

under the moon.

He's got the kind of plastic surgery that just makes him look Filipino.

No, he doesn't have plastic surgery.

He has like Kleinfelter syndrome or something.

No, but he has slanty eyes, right?

Wayne Newton.

Yeah, he looks a little bit more.

That's definitely a style of plastic surgery.

Yeah, I think so.

But I mean, maybe plastic surgery, but Wayne Newton is the way he is because he's got like Kleinfelters.

Uh-huh.

What's that?

It sounds like a horse.

He's got like XXY chromosomes, so he has an extra girl.

Oh, that's why he sings like a girl.

That's why he's got like a falsetto voice.

Mr.

Las Vegas, baby.

Does he have good boy pussy bro?

Facial hair.

Does his ass get wet?

He looks like Katie Lang.

He does.

Yeah.

They look very similar.

Does she have Kleinfelds?

No, she's a lesbian.

She's a lesbian woman.

Before that, NFL.

Hold on.

Does that mean

one second?

I'm sorry.

Adam.

Please.

Does that mean he can

does his tits get full of milk?

Adam, please.

Yes.

We had to ask, does his tits get full of milk?

No, that was

better than.

Well,

this weekend in or I guess two weekends.

Are there other more, you know, uh, female-like characteristics?

Yeah, I'm guessing.

Would you drink Wayne Newton's milk?

Hell yes, dude.

That was hilarious.

I'm gonna go open an eBay account right now and try and sell Wayne Newton's milk.

As you all know, Wayne Newton has Kleinfelter syndrome, and as a result, his tits does film with milk,

dude.

I would

drink.

Does his tits?

That was also amazing.

That's how you phrase it.

Does his tits?

Does his tits get full of milk, man?

Does that sound like a nine-year-old?

I was just thinking about it.

With titties full of milk, I started laughing in my head.

Lutarian Milton.

My guy.

Shouts out, Luteran.

Free, free Tay.

Yeah.

I think he went back to jail.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Before the Patriots

Chiefs game,

they were like, dude, that guy's got plastic surgery.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, no.

You said he has plastic surgery, and

I wasn't denying that he had plastic surgery.

I was explaining that he looks weird because he has a genetic disease.

Right, right, right.

So it's not like he fucked himself up with plastic surgery.

He's always looked weird.

Right.

What's young Wayne Newton look like?

Like

Katie Lang, like a fucking lesbian.

Oh, damn.

Yeah.

Yeah, that looks weird.

Yeah, he's got like a little boy face.

Mm-hmm.

But yeah,

they have like long limbs.

They're like lanky.

Really?

Yeah, weird alien proportions.

They're like

falsettos.

Or not falsettos, castratos.

Castrados.

Castratos.

Yeah.

But he definitely fucked.

Mr.

Las Vegas Wayne News.

So did the fucking castratos in Italy.

They didn't have balls.

It doesn't matter.

And they had like baby penises.

You mean they put their little dicks on a woman's pussy?

Mm-hmm.

Nuh.

Stop.

You would have lived like that.

That would have been incredible.

No joke.

I had a beautiful voice as a child.

I'm not even kidding.

I could sing beautifully.

I was meant to be a castrato.

You used to be the king of the Italian opera.

So I'd dress like a clown.

Yeah, yeah.

I would love to see.

Just women sucking your single limp.

No, that's it.

Two-inch cock.

Those fucking castratas, they like clean up.

As opposed to my limp four-inch cock.

Well, it's funny.

It's because it's like, that's the shit that

fucking, you know, it's like fat women are like, you know, fat women used to be beautiful, but no one talks talks about how the castrated boys were sexy.

That's right.

That used to be hot.

That was hot, dude.

That's my thing.

I'm going to bring that back.

I missed my chance to be a castrato, dude.

Yeah, this guy, Alessandro Moreschi, the last castrato.

I'm basically a castrato, honestly.

Dude, can you imagine being famous for having your balls cut off?

I'm chemically castrated from all the

fucking chemicals in the foods I eat.

I think.

I'm getting so fat, I'm basically chemically castrated.

I'm gonna.

That's not him.

Play one of his songs.

This is an ad for here.

We go.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, that was you, Adam?

Hold on.

Siri's

dumb bitch.

Yeah, it's coming through.

Beautiful.

That's not a piano, that's him.

Yo, that doesn't even sound that good.

Yo, pause.

That doesn't sound good enough to get your cock chopped off.

I'd rather have balls.

Okay, hold on.

Dude, my man got his nuts chopped off to sound like Adam Sandler doing Opera Man.

Oh my god.

Incredible.

Beautiful.

Oh my god.

Is him getting held down?

It's a castrado getting held down, getting his nuts chopped off.

Oh wait, is he getting raped?

Is that a what?

What the hell is that?

Is that a Castrado getting raped?

What are these pictures?

Damn, that's a constructor with a naked bitch.

Is that a cock?

An uranus cock?

What the hell is this shit, dude?

What is this freaking shit?

Where'd you find this video?

Red tube?

Yeah, it's red tube.

Anyways, yeah, they were like, they would just smash.

That's crazy.

What do you mean they could they come?

No, there's no cum in them.

Probably not.

They had no cum in their balls.

They had no balls.

But they were like bisexual, too.

Okay.

I mean, I would assume so.

Yeah, I would get my ass.

You'd have to.

That's the only kind of sex that I'm going to do.

Here's the thing.

That was the last guy to get his balls chopped off.

Can you imagine how much that would suck?

Yeah, yeah.

That doesn't even mean you're the best.

You're just the last guy who doesn't have balls anymore.

So the class after you're like,

we're just going to let you sing with your nuts.

And he's like, hey, what the fuck?

Yeah, yeah.

There are guys with balls that can sing higher than that.

That guy, Klaus Nomi, could sing really high.

Klaus Nomi's got his nuts chopped off.

Everyone knows that.

No, he has AIDS.

He died of AIDS.

He invented AIDS to make pop music better.

A lot of people.

Freddy Mercury, Klaus Nomi.

Is that the movie?

No, I didn't see that.

I didn't see it.

I protested it out of disdain for Brian Singer.

But Atlantic published a big thing about Brian Singer, and fucking Rami Molik, the guy who played

a fucking piece of shit.

This guy, look, just say nothing.

He's like, I had no idea about the allegations.

In fact, I think in some, and I'm paraphrasing, but it's like,

I think the spirit of Freddy sort of protected me from knowing that.

No.

He's just like, it's like that.

I just saw that he said he had no idea, which is insane.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone fucking knew.

No, he makes it about Freddy and art and all this bullshit.

It's like, there's no way you didn't know.

You participated in the project with a rapist.

You did it because you only care about your career.

Which is true for everybody.

Everyone in Hollywood.

That's why people keep getting raped.

It's true for everyone almost everywhere.

Very few people are like principled.

And the thing is, too, the older you get, it's like it doesn't matter.

You're going to fucking die anyway.

So you might as well rape some king.

No, principles are for people with nothing to lose.

Right.

It's very easy to be principled when you have your whole life to live.

Right.

You know.

That's why I have no principles.

I know I'm going to die any day now.

Fuck that.

Yeah.

Me either, dude.

So whatever,

you guys got a hot tip on some illegal shit you need a bank for?

Me and Nick are looking to spend some cash, some dough.

I'm trying to get a little fedora.

Something crypto.

Something that could land us in federal prison.

Yeah, Yeah, let's be from mobsters.

Immediately murdered.

Yeah.

Bring $40,000 to prove that you're loyalty.

Yes, sir.

And then they just kill us and take the money.

They say you can get a lot more with a smile and a buster sword than with a smile on the moment.

I'm going to be the mobster that carries a a buster sword.

What's a buster sword?

The giant sword that Cloud has in Final Fantasy II.

Ooh, hell yeah.

That would be good.

Any conspicuous dealer

is getting stuck at the subway trying to take the train.

Oh, whoopsie.

Three-piece suit and fucking pinstripes and a big-ass sword.

That's me.

Awesome.

Yes, ma'am.

That is correct.

That is.

Yes, sir.

Yep.

Well, he gets.

Apparently, he's going to keep directing Red Sonia.

Brian Singer.

Yeah.

Good for him.

Yo, apparently the Michael Jackson shit is

Adam famously thinks he's completely innocent.

I'm, you know, I'm.

And apparently everyone who's seen advanced screenings are like, damn.

Well, Mike's going down.

It's Islamophobia because, as you know, he became a member of the Nation of Islam.

Did he?

I think they did a security detail during

the second trial.

Respect.

He had a bunch of bow tie guys all around him.

That's awesome, actually.

I didn't know that.

I think I've

uh what is the word proffered my theory uh proffered is that correct yeah

don't you mean offered no proffered

it sounds almost correct hold out to someone for acceptance no that's not correct synonyms offer

present extension wait a second proffer is a synonym of offer yeah yeah pick one you can't the same fucking word it's a so

sounding way to say offered that's fucking stupid as shit, yo.

It's one or the other.

So many more words.

I don't know shit.

I'm so fucking stupid.

I know, like,

really just one word that I can think of.

What is it?

If I try and think of words, there's only one that pops in my head over there.

Don't say that one.

Maybe we're making young men stupid by not letting them say words.

A specific word.

Because you get stuck on one word.

Right.

And you can't learn more words after that.

That makes sense to me.

Yeah.

Maybe that's the appeal of MAGA as it sounds so close.

It's so close that

it's close enough

that no one will ever suspect it.

The perfect crime.

Yep, no one suspects MAGA guys of being racist.

That's certainly true.

Well,

no one's getting mad at them for saying MAGA.

That's true.

Greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that the accusations against him were sourced in homophobia.

I love that singer's like reacted.

He did exactly the Kevin Space.

The Spacey?

Yeah.

Respected.

Wait, he did it in character video.

No, he was like, people don't like me because I'm gay.

Right.

He's like, it's homophobia.

That's why.

That's awesome.

He's still married or he left his wife.

He's saying that, like, because.

He was never married, was he?

Yeah, with kids.

Yeah,

he has a fake wife

that he had a baby with.

Yeah.

Wait,

was he the one that was married to Kate Beckinsale?

No.

He's in a Different director.

That's Matt Reif, the guy that Brandon got on the site with.

He did probably smash.

You guys have threatened Matt

Brandon and then Brandon didn't fight him.

That'd be so awesome if Brandon just got his shit fucked up.

Just beat the shit.

Beat the shit.

That would have been awesome.

Male model.

Team Rife.

Yeah, I would love to bet on that kind of thing.

You could bet on it at BetTheaside.com.

That'd be the undercard for Lewis versus

a retarded guy or me.

Well, I would love to bet that on bettheaside.com.

I would love for Lewis, his career to end with him doing like back alley prize fights with mentally disabled people from like one specific shopping center.

They're all just employees of the like, do you remember?

The people's drugs and

the fucking radio shack.

They used to do bum fights not too far from where I went to high school.

Really?

Yeah.

That was like, there was like a back alley behind

a supermarket.

How about cum fights?

No, it's even at that time, and I was like a shithead high school student who probably would have laughed at a Native American guy playing a drum.

But admittedly.

Still now, you would.

No.

To this day, you would.

Just say the thing about the bum fights, man.

Don't

you're going to pretend that you didn't like bum fights when you were in high school?

No, I think you didn't watch those Kimbo fucking videos.

How did I even know?

No, I watched Kimbo's.

I watched Kimbo.

Those were backyards.

Like, basically,

You probably don't know what Bum Fights.

Bum Fights was terrible.

Bum Fights was a terrible thing.

I remember even,

even I was like, This is like fucking male.

That's the point.

Yeah, even as a kid, I was like, Yeah, because in the video, they're like, You want this sandwich where you're going to have to fight for a month?

And they're like, Oh, it's actual homeless guys, not just guys make it.

Yeah, they just like, yeah, they and it was based in Vegas.

Yeah, yeah, it was hard to watch.

Yeah, she's terrible.

But, you know, as a young 15-year-old boy, I watched every one with the tear going down my face.

Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Train yourself.

Embrace this.

Ha ha ha.

And then two years later, it was like, ha ha ha ha ha.

No, I've done it.

I've completely suppressed my normal emotional reactions to anything.

And now I'm a cruel man, no longer a boy.

And I'm ready to post.

I'm ready to post and drop out of school.

It really was a weird, it was a weird thing to be like such an amoral high school student and then to see that and be like, this is too far.

You would say you would consider yourself amoral?

Yeah, high school kids are evil.

I mean, that's what we talk about all the time on this show.

No, they're cool.

You think they're cool?

Yeah, it's just, I think, you know, you really need to hold kids to a higher standard.

They shouldn't ever smirk.

Can you imagine how poorly a kid has to be raised to smirk in a situation ever?

Mm-hmm.

To ever have a smirk on his face?

That is true.

Yeah.

No, I don't.

I wouldn't be a bitch-ass kid.

Yeah.

Kids are all shitty.

That's not true.

I was a wonderful child.

No, you weren't.

Yeah, huh.

You're probably a shithead, too.

I was beautiful.

David Hogg is a shithead.

Hey, come on.

They're all shitheads.

All high school students are shitheads.

Is he doing Louis Big?

Yeah, he did a bit about how, like, kids shouldn't try to make the world a better place.

All right.

They should do drugs.

Let me ask you this.

So this kid's supposed to get out of the way, right?

I'll tell you another drug man.

He's another teenager and another Native American.

A Native American by the name of George Zimmerman.

Oh my god.

Now, hold on.

You can't look at that name and tell me he's not a Native American.

It's true.

Although

he was half

Venezuela, wasn't he?

What?

Wasn't George Zimmermann?

No, no, no.

Let Nick

Zimmerman half Colombian?

All I can say is this.

It's definitely not white.

Would you expect a teenager in that situation to get out of that way, or would you want him to stand his ground?

The teenager stands his ground, to be clear.

Well, the teenager stood his ground and he lost.

I guess.

But that act in itself was disrespectful, according to

the sandman.

So you are pro-Trayvon and Sandman.

Yes.

Okay.

I mean, niggas pro all teens.

Teen activists.

And stepping outside of the joke, yes.

I think George Zimmerman murdered a child.

I also think, like, a 17-year-old boy shouldn't be fucking railroaded for smirking until it becomes.

I mean, like, doxxed.

And his family being doxxed.

The kid made a public statement.

So it was not like, I mean, he identified himself.

Yeah, he was going to get got anyway.

Yeah.

People knew what the school was.

Well, he was already identified, and then he makes a statement.

Kathy Griffin is the only one that was like, you know, dox these kids.

And she's a fucking retard, anyway.

I don't even send doxed.

She has no funny.

She's funny, dude.

She's really funny.

She's like, name, names.

I want these kids' names.

What?

Yeah.

Damn.

Would you explain it?

It's gotten so ridiculous.

I didn't even show it to Nick because I knew it would make you mad.

But there's a picture of that high school's basketball team doing the like three-pointer

thing.

And they're like, they're like, this is like, oh, this is a hate symbol, white power symbol.

Yeah, no, and then people were like replying to it, and they're like, well, here's like Steph Curry doing that symbol, too.

She deleted that tweet.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's just, it is, it is insane.

Oh, wait, fuck.

Bettheaside.com.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can bet at bettheaside.com.

I hope they don't like pull the read and just hear me say, but you can bet it at bettheaside.com.

Well, no, no, the read starts now.

The read starts now.

Oh, the read starts now.

You can start.

Remember what it's the premier sports betting website.

You remember that thing we saw about Brandon Wardell getting in a funny

thing

on Lewis's fights with men with Down syndrome in that alley behind the

Francis Park Shopping Center

in Edison, New Jersey.

Dude, I'm telling you, fighting is the only thing that's ever mattered to me.

Now that they made it legal to fight men with Down syndrome for cash,

Lewis,

they didn't make it legal.

I just need the money, Lewis.

No, this is one of his interns.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I thought that was the guy with Down syndrome.

No,

it's one of his interns that has Down syndrome.

Oh, I got you.

And the other Down syndrome fighters are like, How could you turn your back on your people?

And it's just a Down syndrome guy that's Samuel L.

Jackson and Django.

He's like, get these retards out of here.

So, yeah, they're the premier sports books.

Sportsbook website on the internet.

They've been in business over 20 years.

Wow.

How many years is that?

One, two, two, three,

four, four, five, five, six,

seven, seven, eight, eight, six, nine, ten.

I was going to say that.

My bad.

Yeah, that's all right.

Nine, ten, nine, ten, eleven,

twelve.

Shit.

Thirteen?

Yes.

Fourteen.

Fifteen.

Fifteen.

Yeah, I knew all these.

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty years.

Yeah.

Over that.

Over that.

So even

one, twenty twenty.

We don't want to go into it, but yeah, more than twenty.

I think I'm that age,

but plus 10 years.

I'm actually 30.

Oh, so how many is that?

So that's

21,

22, 23, 24, 25.

I wish my life expectancy was 39.

27, 28, 29, 30.

So that's how old Nick is.

And Bet DSI has been around 10 years less than that.

Yeah, Bet DSI has been around.

They pay out winners.

And they pay out winners, dude.

And they got award-winning customer service.

Dude, there's a blue ribbon tied around every guy.

They got blue ribbon award-winning customer service.

This is 100% true.

They actually won a Pulitzer Prize for customer service last year at the Khan's Festival.

Yep, for sure.

Got the jury.

The jury selection.

Selection.

At

Peace du Shit.

Der Schis Shitstun.

Shit du fuck festival.

They got award-winning customer service, an easy-to-use mobile app, PlaybetWin.

You can play anywhere.

Wow.

You can play with my fucking balls.

Play with Nick's cock and balls.

You can play with my...

Actually, you can't.

Please don't.

Don't.

Please do.

Please don't ever.

Play with his cock and balls.

Keep your hands behind the velvet rope.

Hands off.

Don't touch.

I got a little placard over my asshole describing my dick.

And it's history.

What it did back in the 90s.

My little velvet robe on it.

It's like, yeah, bitch.

Welcome to the museum.

Keep your damn voice down.

We don't want to wake up the exhibits.

Are the exhibits other guys in their cocks?

No, it's just the only guy wanting exhibits.

Nice.

But you don't want to wake it?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

Another placard, a little velvet rope around my asshole.

Welcome.

And then another placard.

Right.

The asshole.

Plaster on putty.

Oh, okay.

Oil on ass.

Olive oil on ass.

Jesus.

Rubbing your own ass with oil.

On Beth the Aside.

They got an award-winning mobile app that you can use anywhere.

Play bed while fuck at the museum.

Play, bet.

Play, bet, win.

Win.

Bet, win.

Win.

Ass.

Fuck.

Win.

Cock.

Fuck suck.

Shit.

Hunt.

Win.

Win.

Have you ever shit the bed while fucking?

I have never done that.

What?

Are we still doing it every year?

Yes, Yes, we are.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that's probably the copy.

I want to try that.

You want to try hitting the bed while you're in the bottom.

Just pretend you're like, oh my God, it was an accident.

You used to fully turn or what?

Just spraying everything.

Diarrhea.

It would have to be diarrhea.

That part.

Just spin it up and be like, you're just so hot.

You made me squirt.

Yeah.

So wet.

Damn, you're just so hot.

I'm so wet.

I'm wet all down my legs.

Anyway, I see.

They're like, this is your apartment.

Just put on a fedora and walk out of the apartment completely nude.

See you later, Tuts.

It's just like police lights in the hallway.

Wait, who is it?

Is that you live there?

There, sir, with the hat.

Just shitty,

shitty ass leaving a trail of diarrhea down the steps.

How did you find me?

Well, we just found little spots of diarrhea

leading us to the public park where you were sucking off another man.

Yeah.

I want to try that.

Yeah, you totally.

I want to try something new.

Bet the inside is a great mobile app.

He's used from anywhere.

You know, for a long game game wagering, you can make plays throughout the entire game and event.

Wow.

Here's what we're going to be betting on this week.

Take the damn Super Bowl, bet on the Rams.

The Pennsylvania 1600s to win the Super Bowl against the Denver

versus the Patriots.

And I'll be in L.A., actually, during the Super Bowl.

Come see me February 2nd, the day before the Super Bowl.

Damn, Rams vs.

the Patriots kind of reminds me of Nathan Phillips, the liar versus Nick Sandby.

The Patriots, the young patriot boy

who stood up

for unborn Americans everywhere.

Every unborn baby, because of our fucked up naturalization laws, has the potential to be an American.

They just got to get that, you know, their mom's pussy over here.

That's right.

Once you slip and slide, that's a good argument that I would make.

If

life starts at conception,

then

you should be able to naturalize somebody.

So if someone got pregnant

in Italy on their honeymoon.

Yeah.

Well, no.

If somebody gets busted in in America,

come over here as an immigrant, get busted in, go back to Mexico, you're pregnant here, and then you pregnant the baby in Mexico, and you'd be like, well, life begins at fucking bust.

That's so true.

I got busted in back in Tejas.

I was at the fucking Greyhound station.

I got raped by a cop.

Okay, yeah.

And then

20 years later.

Guess who's getting sworn into the office of president?

The baby.

Alexander Ocasio Cortez.

She's going to be trans next year.

I see.

And that's.

Alex.

I think she's from New York, actually.

I don't think that's what happened at all.

Oh, my bad.

I thought her mom was right by a cop in the graveyard.

No, no, no.

Anyway, I don't think we've technically finished the rest of the day.

Anyway, so there's a promo code.

There's a promo code.

I'm just trying to help.

I'm just trying to help the Democratic Party win.

I'm saying, here's what I know everything about messaging and signaling.

You want to win?com slash winner.

Tell them what.

Here's who's winning.

Here's who's winning in 2020 for the Democrats.

We put this forward: a pile of rape cum with a pink bow on the top.

Okay.

And they're like, that's a boy.

It's not always wearing a pink bow.

And it's like, actually, she can do whatever she wants.

And then

it just sits there on the stage and Trump yells at it.

And people are like, well, look how many times Trump shouted over the pile of sexual assault cum.

We count.

So anyway, they never got a word in it.

I'm just like,

bet on the pile of cum.

Don't they give you some kind of money that's as good as a voucher or something?

Hey, look, I got excited there for a second.

I'm trying to help the Democrats.

I know, look, I know some people, they say, Mullen, you cross a line sometimes.

You don't even know when you're joking anymore.

Right.

And you know what?

I'm a dreamer.

All right.

Yeah, like all the dreamers.

I like all of the dreamers.

Yeah.

In fact, you could call me a wet dreamer.

And I'm trying to find different ways to make this world a better place.

And listen, if you're an immigrant struggling to make

these ideas, just don't adopt them.

But you can't get mad at me for trying.

So true.

Okay?

That's the heart of.

Look, we just want to, like, for the sake of the discourse, just put these things forward.

Could you perhaps run a pile of cum

rape cum?

As the Democratic.

You said rape cum.

Yes, as rape cum.

With a bow.

With a pink.

With a pink bow.

And the kente cloth around it.

Oh, okay.

And

you're a Democratic nominee.

A pile of rape cum with a pink bow.

That nominee needs to be 35.

Finish.

Oh, that's it.

You can't.

You can't.

Fuck.

It has to be 35-year-old bust.

Yeah.

That's Aegis.

Wow.

Well, that's the law, baby.

The Constitution.

So when you sign up, make sure you use promo code COME120 so they know we sent you.

I mean, you sign up, you've got some options.

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If you use promo code COME120 up to $1,000, they're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which you turn $1,000 into $1,600 to play with.

So once again, again that's bet thesi.com come 120 let's start the show so i feel like you guys aren't hearing me out with this thing no i'm with you i just think you're trying to bring a mirror together together i mean i think that a lot of people there's a lot of division and i get what you're how about this the pile of cum has a gun okay i love that

it's not that i didn't like what you're going it's just that i think our sponsors pay a lot of good money for us to keep keep it out of politics they don't pay any money these are products that we use you're so right yeah yeah that we happen i just think listen listen, I love the idea.

I just think it's a little risque to talk politics during a read.

Yeah, we try to

rape it apolitical on the show.

We do keep it apolitical.

You know?

I don't know.

I think it's a good idea.

My feelings are hurt, honestly.

I'm sorry, dude.

No, it is a good idea.

You always have good ideas.

You have plenty of good ideas.

It's a really good idea.

We don't try to make you feel bad.

Even if they're bad ideas, it's like, please just embrace my free speech.

I know.

Yes, and.

Yes, and.

My free thinking, you know.

You're right.

I love where you're coming from

with that.

I love the energy behind that idea.

You have any more ideas?

No.

Yeah, you do.

That was my big idea first.

I'm sorry, dude.

Come on, brothers.

I didn't really know.

We thought he liked it.

And I'm sure Bet DSI will like it too.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Wow, wow.

My dick is small.

Damn, dude.

I feel weird.

I feel strange.

Eldest came back into town I've been I shat like six times today

really went to wing night yeah yeah it's tough it's a real codependent relationship

is it is it rude

what the fuck is wing night before you like at a bar where they do cheaper wings cheap wings I didn't even know those exist what are you talking about where they live we have like 25 cent wings tonight no I didn't know I mean I know they have ladies night but I didn't know they had a night for fat company they do everywhere

first first of all it's a night for people who love bargains okay it has nothing to do with bargain hunter

it's it was it was an economic decision first and foremost to eat it wasn't even that many honesty 16 wings that's not that's nothing

16 wins a little appetizer it's like what that guy considered 72 virgins that character from early

if you'll recall isn't it rude if you get sent a nude to like do that like adam loved this picture i don't think it's rude you should say something else.

You should say something else.

You should.

You're going to get back to your girlfriend that you're receiving nudes from people.

I'm saying, theoretically.

Not from people.

From my girlfriend, you fucking.

Don't start that shit.

Don't put that into the universe.

I'm just saying.

I gotta.

We have a young, healthy, fresh relationship where we send nudes to each other.

You send her pictures of your cock?

No, never.

Why not, dude?

Because she knows what it looks like.

I don't want to do it.

I know what her body looks like.

What the fuck?

She's a well, she is.

I like sending a nice cockpit every once in a while.

To your wife?

To Dasha.

To my wife.

To all my friends and wives.

I guess I should.

No, it feels nice.

I like that someone's looking at my penis in a positive way.

I like knowing that.

You know what I mean?

You mean you're like pretending that they're not.

No, they are.

They asked for it.

I'm not just sending a cockpit.

What do you think the...

What's going on on the other side of the cell phone?

Then they get that pick.

She's just licking her lip.

You think that's

a good thing.

Just nine 14-year-old girls in a locker room being like, gross.

No.

No.

Not true.

Yeah.

Probably just like a heavy sigh, right?

I think, no, they're beating off.

I only send them in the heat of a sexting conversation.

Oh.

I'm not sending it like, oh, you're like, babe, you got me so hot.

Yeah,

she sends her titties.

Maybe she should have a picture.

Oh, yes.

I guess that kind of makes sense in context.

What do you think?

I'm just sending a cockpit on a Wednesday at 3 p.m.

or something?

I mean, yes.

That's what I assumed you're doing.

Yeah, that's what that's what I when you said that.

That's what I thought.

No, I'm beating off.

She's beating off.

We're on Snapchat, that kind of thing.

Oh, a Snapchat beat up.

A Snapchat beat up.

Why don't you just do FaceTime?

That's a more fun way of doing it, no?

It is, sure, but that I think there's more intimacy there.

You can't really weird.

You gotta jack off the hand and hold the cell phone the other.

You can't frame your cockpit.

You know what might happen if you do that?

You might fucking, like, hurt one of your joints or something.

Okay, wow.

And then you might need some shit called

hemp bombs CBD.

Oh, yeah.

That's that actually.

Yeah, that actually happens to me all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What's the what?

That happens to me when I hurt my joints beating off.

Yeah, you might need hemp bombs CBD.

I love that.

I do that.

Yeah, you see the largest selection of U.S.

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Whoa.

CBD is rising in popularity because it's a non-psychoactive compound found in marijuana that is helping people break free from stress plus pain plus anxiety.

Wow, I love that about CBD.

That's so awesome.

Yeah.

You could do this.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I've used it.

I love the max chips.

I've used it myself personally.

It helps me sleep.

It helps me.

The max chill, though.

I use a thing called Max Chills me sleep.

Whoa.

They got another thing called capsules that are great for anxiety during the day.

As you know, I'm often a nervous dancing.

Anxious.

Oh, yeah.

Every day I wake up and I'm like,

what the fuck?

What do we got?

What's going on with climate change?

Oh, my God.

I could be drinking some of my fucking weed pills from hemp bombs, CBD,

my capsules.

I clutch my chest and I go,

where are my capsules?

And then I shove the young boy next to me and I'm like, fucking earn your keep.

Get me my capsules.

He's like, Senor,

no seb, no at the end.

Whoa, for real?

Fuck.

They got gummies.

You know those gummy bear vitamins?

Well, these are like the opposite, okay?

The gummy bears are so good.

Not only are they candy, but they're gummy bears.

They're not just candy, but they got the opposite of vitamins in there, drugs.

No, they're not drugs.

They're really good for you.

They're great for anxiety and going to sleep.

Love that.

You got pain freeze.

It's great for aches and pains.

Rub that shit on your nuts.

You can do it.

To reduce inflammation.

Do not put it on your nuts.

That's like the one thing I will say with this.

Do not put any fucking menu

product on your nuts.

And then don't take a shower to try to watch.

Oh, that was so funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your dumbass did that.

Yeah.

No, that shit burns.

I did that once.

I thought I'd destroy it.

I thought I'd never have a dick.

Yeah, weren't we going to meet up or something?

And you just...

No, I was visiting my parents.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

And I used a CBD.

And here's why we're recommending hemp bomb CBD.

It's 99% CBD purity.

It's domestically grown.

It's 100% lethal.

Get that fucking foreign CBD out of here.

So you're not going to fail a drug test if you take this shit.

You're going to get back on the job at UPS after you beat up the fucking one woman that works in the store.

Well, do we have the product for you?

You got an official brown frown notice from the manager.

Well, I'll tell you what, you can come back.

You're not going to fail the drug test because you're on CBD.

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Damn, and you know, that's cool.

You know, I'm definitely the kind of person

that loves this kind of shit.

I'm absolutely,

you know, I love getting just sick Blink 182 tattoos and then doing some aftercare with them.

That's right.

And then lubing up my cock

to have sex with

a beard oil.

You bomb

boyfriend's beard while I'm oiling my beard.

Hemp Bombs CBD oil.

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It's one of the best and most reviewed brands on social media.

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Use promo code ComeTown for 20% off

of your beard oil.

Of your fake weird chill.

What was it called?

Max Chill.

That stuff is kind of good.

Yeah.

No joke, my brother got me some of that shit.

I have a whole box of all all that shit oh yeah cbd stuff i might actually oh i've yeah trying to get fricked freaking i've got my my upper chest my like pack you should try it out dude hurt and well that he did try it out i did great oh you did i mean you should have tried it out and you did

you guys already know this story but i went to a massage part of shiny

Yeah, and I went in and it like they looked like whores, but I was like, look, my fucking shoulder, I like my shoulder is so funny.

And I need this.

And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's really good.

She'll take care of you.

And then she, like, comes into the locker room and she's like, take off all your clothes.

And she's standing there.

And then I get completely naked.

I'm like, all right, whatever.

It's like, I don't want this to, like.

You got totally naked?

Yeah.

I mean, fuck it.

She's like, take off all your clothes.

I'm like, all right, you know what I mean?

They didn't give me a clothes.

Massage bar always do that sometimes.

No, they give me a towel.

Yeah, yeah.

They had a towel, but then like, you know, you have to take the towel off to lay down on the bed.

They don't really, there wasn't really much like privacy offered.

Right.

And then I'm like laying there and she's like doing my back for a bit.

And then she put on this like bullshit Chinese song.

It's like

that's an odd dude.

Like one of those songs.

Like five minutes in, it's just like

my back.

My pussy and my crack.

And then it like was like mashed up.

I don't know where the fuck that got it.

Incredible.

What?

And then she's like, yeah, she's like, roll over.

and then she starts like doing the shit with my chest but then she's like you know like touching my hand and shit yeah she's like you want me to jack you off i was like no i need my fucking my

i paid you 80 i need my shoulder

incredible incredibly tight it fucking hurt but she wasn't that good of a masseuse no the whole time she's digging she's like oh she's like she's a hand she's a hand job practitioner but look you chose that as the front for your business right or your illegal process so at least learn how to give a good massage

salt trial say good meat.

It's fucking like.

You're like, yeah, we don't have any pork.

It makes sense.

You fucking dumb piece of shit.

One time I went, I knew it was a hand dried place 15 seconds in because I was like, this massage sucks.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, anyways,

Googled where to get a hand job.

She's like, my hands hurt.

And I was down the street.

And then, you know, I mean, because I'm like naked, so I'm just like sitting there with my like dick flopping out going like, just use your elbow.

And I'm like demonstrating on on the pillow.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't even wait, you don't even have a towel?

No, the towel?

Yeah, no, the towels, I mean, it was there, but like, it was an afterthought.

I had to get up to like show her, like, how to.

So I'm just you keep moving your mouth.

I just had to get up to show her, like, with the elbow on the pillow.

I'm like, do that right here.

Right.

You know, and then she keeps missing the spot.

It's like there's like a tight band

right under my collarbone.

You made a sex working sex slave.

She literally would have rather sucked your dick.

Yeah, of course.

That's way easier.

Yeah.

Than listening to Nick's specific instructions.

I don't know, man.

That seems like God letting you get permission to get sucked off.

What do you mean, giving me permission to get sucked off?

I can get sucked off if I want to.

I don't want to get sucked off by some Chinese

railway.

Oh, was she bad looking?

She was okay.

But

in no way would I feel good about myself paying for a fucking blowjob from some Chinese sex slave.

What I do want is a proper massage from somebody else.

From a regular fucking money slave.

Yeah.

From a regular Chinese slave.

Fix my fucking shoulder.

How did your shoulder feel afterwards?

Awful, dude.

Damn.

Yeah, she used like menthol, like some sort of menthol rub, but then like my, like, the skin was burning, and I have this huge bruise there now.

I went to a spa for my anniversary last year with the point where she was just punching me.

And I got a fat gay guy give me a massage, like a real massage.

Dude, look at your little body.

Oh my god, look at your cute little body.

I must say, I was like, Oh my god, you're like a little Ken doll.

I was like, fat, gay.

He's probably going to be the best massage ever.

One of my hands all the way around your waist.

I can hold you like a little beer can.

And I got to say, not very good.

It was, I, I,

I wasn't.

It's pretty homophobic.

Look at you.

Why I was on the bottom.

I just want to put you in a little baby shoe and push you around.

I thought it's like a little race car.

Yeah, I just eat you up.

I bet I could fit you entirely in my ass.

It's a confusion.

While you were asshole.

Yeah, while you're getting the massage, he's like starting with his ass at your feet and eating you like a snake.

Yeah, yeah, he's holding his ass open, sizing you up.

Slowly inching his body around yours with his ass.

There you go.

You're like, well, let me go.

Nick, you can't see it, but Nick is doing that to bring it out.

Yeah.

Which he was playing when we got in here.

I was playing.

And he is of all.

I wasn't playing, I was simulating.

Fucking asshole.

So I went up.

Play.

Well, I just want to say that Nick did text the location and name of that place, and I will be sure to not go there.

And I'm happy to know that.

Oh, yeah.

And then also you found the review.

Oh, yeah.

I found the review.

That was incredible.

What was the guy's name?

I can't remember.

It was something Spanish.

It was like one of those Best Buy Geek squad kind of guys.

Yeah.

Carlos de la Hoya.

I love it.

15 Chinese duckies.

Take a pick from.

Oh, fuck, dude.

That was so good.

I'm pissed, dude.

Sorry, man.

Sorry.

He should have just gotten sucked off.

I didn't want that.

I wanted my shoulder fixed.

But you should have, dude.

At some point, you let go of God.

It's fucking medical care.

I know.

It'd be like if you're like, oh, I'm like having heart palpitations and you go to the fucking doctor and they're like, oh, here's a volume.

And it's like, oh, that's not what I felt like.

Or the doctor sucks you off.

Is that a problem?

Yeah, just going to the fucking cardiologist.

It's medical for a happy ending.

After my fucking stress test, I'm like, do you offer full service?

I'll tip extra.

I mean, we don't have to report it to the fucking insurance.

I did have a,

what's the cock doctor called?

I don't know.

Urologist.

There was a lady urologist that handled my penis one time.

It did not, it was not arousing.

I got to be honest.

Yeah.

I thought, oh, am I going to get hard?

She was holding my little ass limp dick.

And one time I got a phone.

It felt weird.

Yeah, the one time I got a physical throat.

You fucked her otherwise.

A woman, I was like 15,

and she was like, drop trowel.

And I was like, I hope my dick is all right.

And it was the worst.

It was trash.

And I was like ashamed.

Oh, you had a hard time.

You were hoping it would be hard?

No, I was like, I hope that it's like, looks at least robust or something, but it was cold or something.

My dick was a little bit more difficult.

Yeah, my dick was extra small.

Yeah, yeah.

Extra small.

Yeah.

It felt terrible.

Yeah.

You wanted this?

And then I was like,

she's a professional, dude.

You wanted this grown woman to be like, that kid had a nice car.

Yeah, I wanted her to be like, yummy.

I was hoping it was a pedophile.

I was hoping she would molest.

You ever feel like you really served good dick at a doctor's appointment?

Has there been any time where you're like, Yeah, but it was with like guys,

but you have gay.

But you remember being like, damn,

there was one time that

many doctors touching my dick.

That old man that put his finger in my ass doing prostate.

Yeah.

My dick looked great that day.

Wow, I wonder why.

It was before he put it in my ass.

I was like, I'm excited.

Sweetheart, loop me up.

Your ass was drooling for that one.

Just spit on it before you throw it in there.

Cowboy.

You're like, okay, now two fingers.

What did you say, Nick?

Yeah, I've not had many.

I guess when I thought I had ball cancer, I got that time.

I had a doctor, that Chinese doctor, touched my dick.

But I honestly, I cannot recall any kind of like even considering, like, I wonder what my dick looks like for this old Chinese man.

No, you always got to consider.

You got to be friendly.

Well, I.

Courtesy.

I recently had, I went to the dermatologist and did a full checkup, and two women looked at my penis.

We're going to need a bigger talk.

There was a a doctor and a trainee.

And they looked under my nose.

They looked just like

a telescope on a motor.

No.

No.

They used the naked eye.

Thank you very much.

My penis was visible

with the naked eye.

No, there was no motorized telescope necessary to give me a full skin exam.

20,000 pounds.

Jesus.

No,

absolutely not.

They weren't even wearing glasses.

15 declination right ascension jacket.

No, sir.

Not what happens.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, so.

I think, I don't know.

I don't think a doctor will see my penis anytime soon, though.

I feel like I got it on the bottom.

Unless you make love to one.

Oh, yeah, I guess that's...

I could, now I'm an adult, I could fuck a doctor.

You ever think about that?

Like, wouldn't it be nice to just get married to a rich woman?

Yeah.

Who's like a professional?

Oh, good news.

What all the t-shirts I ordered are being shipped.

Nice, congrats, man.

Yeah, Nick's got some new merch coming through, folks.

Well, this time, because I did drop shipping for a while through Printify, and the quality was bullshit.

So, if you bought a t-shirt off that old shop, it's like it's gonna be better, but it's probably destroyed already.

So, my bad, folks.

But I got a guy that prints them, so I'll be doing fulfillment myself if you want to get a t-shirt or whatever.

You could also go to

styleyshop.com, I think, or something.

Well, I would love to just be a lifestyle brand, you know.

Oh, yeah, just do different lifestyles, stylings, like what, like the Fire Festival.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, did you see that dock?

I did.

I did not.

Which Hulu or Netflix?

I wish I could be like that.

Did you see that?

Hulu and the Netflix.

Yeah.

The Netflix.

I saw the Hulu.

Which one?

The Netflix was propaganda.

Fuck Jerry, by the way.

The fuck Jerry people put it out, and they were also villains in the story.

Now,

who's the guy who sucked dick or something?

Yeah, that that part's hilarious.

That keeps coming back up.

There's like the the the uh that fucking the main guy is like calls up some gay guy and he's like, I need you to suck the dick of he's like, You're gonna have to take one for the team.

You need to go down to the commissioner of like water's office and suck his dick to get approved for this water.

And he's like, and I

put a washed my mouth out with uh listerine and i got in my car and i went down to his office fully prepared to suck his dick for this festival i respect yeah and he's like in all of my career he's like i couldn't believe what was happening he was like that i was at the point what was his job like what the fuck who kind of got

the gay guy that murdered him yeah

i mean that's definitely the funniest part of the whole that's awesome salute to that man hey i guess like

honestly, yes, salute to that guy.

Legit.

That's a ride-or-die friendship.

That's more than any veteran has ever done.

For sure.

Flown Survivor.

That story goes down the fucking drain as soon as you hear about the guys sucking dick to save a music for water bottles to help Ja Rule.

Is Ja Rule the guy who told him to suck with me?

Well, Ja Rule was one of the founders of the festival.

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

You got shot four or five times for your buddies.

This guy blew some Bahamas fucking clicks.

Click Bahamian commissioner.

Commissioner.

Did he have to suck his dick?

Well, the guy let him off the hook.

He's like, you do not have to suck my dick.

But he was good.

I want geek back.

But that was the deal

discussed?

No, I think this guy was just like,

I'll send my gay friend down there to suck.

The worst case scenario will have to suck his dick.

That's awesome.

I can't imagine being in a position, though, where some old man comes into my office and he's like, look, I really need this loan for $100,000.

Right.

Mostly because I can't imagine a scenario where I have an office

for $100,000 that I haven't already blown on coins.

Cryptocurrency.

And then me being like, no, I can't do that.

And then being like, well, I'll suck your dick.

Me being like, was this guy?

You mean what?

You've got a deal.

Yeah, it was the Bahamas.

I'm gay now.

Right, that's the thing.

Was the guy in the Bahamas gay?

I guess.

Okay, maybe.

But if he was a hot-ass girl, I mean, I would consider it.

But for $100,000?

Look, if I have $100,000 to loan out and a hot woman comes in my office and says, I'll blow you for $100,000.

I press the button under my desk so it automatically locks the door.

Then I get that blowjob for free.

You want to be on two and a half men or what, sweetheart?

Give him the Les Moon Vez special.

Damn fuck, Les Moon Vez.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you imagine how bad you would feel if you spent $100,000 on a blowjack?

Oh, I would feel horrible.

Come on, that would be brutal.

But I would think about it for a second.

I would say no, but I would think about it.

I'd be like, I don't want to give you this money, but will you please just suck my penis?

Yeah.

And that's called negotiations.

Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but you never know unless you ask me.

That's such like porn logic for the real world.

That only works in porn.

I love the real estate estate genre now.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I only have $100.

He's like, listen, no security deposits.

Just sex.

No four months rent.

This pussy is worth $2,800.

Yeah, a Honda.

You got like a 1998 Civic pussy.

Oh, fuck.

I mean, yeah, I feel bad sometimes after I bust when I spent no money.

Yeah.

I can't imagine how I'd feel post-bust

100K.

Yeah, you got to go to your boss and you're like, listen.

I'm not really a fucking bad after-busting kind of guy.

In fact, that's like the five seconds I have where everything's okay.

Where you're clear-headed.

I am, yeah.

Yeah, listen, the sensation of busting after, you know, you jack off or whatever, but I'm talking about you bust and you're like, oh, no.

Yeah.

Why did I?

I look at me.

I'm naked.

I'm naked.

Why did I fuck this person?

You know, what are the repercussions going to be?

That sort of thing.

You know what I mean?

No.

You never had a regrettable hookup?

Oh, yeah.

Well, plenty, yeah.

That's what I mean.

But it's not like,

no, I got to sleep here.

Blood everywhere.

I just shit my pan.

I just diarrhea everywhere.

I didn't put down enough plastic sheeting.

Yeah, no, but I'm saying, well, usually, though, I am overwhelmed by that feeling of like, ah, nothing matters.

Euphoria?

Not euphoria.

It's like, it's, I think that's what Zan is, you know?

Busting.

I think that, yes.

Perpetual bust.

It's busting with a girl who

I hate.

I see.

No, you don't.

She just fucks all the comedians.

You don't panic when that happens?

What do you mean?

Oh, I see.

You have to fucking.

You bust with a girl he hates, and then he feels absolutely.

Oh, I get that.

You feel what you hate and don't care how you feel.

Yeah,

not necessarily that.

I think it's like that in terms of mistakes or whatever.

Like, you know, when you fuck somebody that just

is like someone you just fucked, that everybody just fucks?

Right.

it might be cool but it's just like you know a slam pig if you kind of yes a slam pig a whole town an old town slam hole those girls yeah

and heroes and it's always like you know it's like you know they're crazy and they're gonna try and pull some bullshit or whatever but they usually have a sense of humor about it right you know

i i don't know i don't want to like

go into like specific i feel you know the ones that'll be like i'm pregnant or whatever You're like, no, you're not.

Come on, chill out.

It's like I'll come over here and talk sense into you, and they're crying.

Right, right, right.

It's like, you're right, I'm not pregnant.

And then you get drunk and fuck them again.

See, that's like a better order for society.

Because ever since.

Yeah, you're a fucking retard.

Ever since all this feminist mumbo, jumbo, right?

You can't have an old-fashioned town slam pit.

That's so true.

Which is like, everyone could go, like, when they're

ready to commit a mass murder or something.

Her tits are out, and she's got a bell around her neck.

She's 600 pounds.

She's a cow.

She's literally.

She's just drunk with a big bell on her.

She's got udders.

Stumbling through the town square.

She's like, who's my husband today?

You're like, ah, well, I got laid off from Papa John's.

I guess I can

come over to your shitty apartment.

I think that that makes the society function better.

And fuck you and then hang out with your roommate after.

Oh, that's fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Before we knew what retards were, we just had the village

idiot.

Right.

Town Slam pig.

This is the town slam pig.

Well, that's, I think they're here.

They were just, it's like the volunteer fire department.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Also, retarded people.

Full of people.

Like, my house is burning down.

Sorry, ma'am.

What a volunteer fucking

school with this dude.

You're all just holding a giant stick and so a huge marshmallow.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, that's true, Adam.

We should get, if you guys listening, get out there, become a slam pig.

Yeah.

And there's a lot of, you know, the whole thing about how there's no dignity in that.

That's what society wants to tell you.

So true.

There's a ton of sex work is work.

Yeah.

Well, it's not even sex work.

It's not even sex work.

Volunteer sex work is volunteer work.

It's volunteer sex work.

I will say, though, that like there is something nice about

just an intelligent whore.

Absolutely.

You know, these girls.

Yeah.

They're like really smart, but they're like, you don't feel like

you don't feel like you're tricking them.

Oh, yeah, of course.

No, they know the deal.

They know what they want.

They know the deal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, they're taking advantage of you.

Shout out to those girls.

They're taking advantage of you more than you're taking advantage of them.

I don't know about that.

I think it's more pure transaction.

You know, it's certainly not true, but at least everyone knows what the score is.

I guess that's that's probably more accurate.

Um, yeah, this is Loveline with Dr.

Drew and Adam Carolla.

Adam Carolla here.

Today we're proving that black people are a mitten.

Where the fuck are they?

I've never seen them.

My man took a true hard-ass turn after a while.

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Yeah, I was a Loveline fan.

I would listen to some of the Adam Carolla stuff, like the podcast in college.

And then I was like, I remember exactly when I was like, oh, fuck.

I was like, I made a big evening out of it where I was fucking, I was, I got pizza from the dining hall.

Or, you know, you swiped my meal.

Yeah.

Got some pizza.

I was really looking forward to it.

Had the Adam Carolla.

Had the Adam Carolla.

Just a fat young stop with long hair, already balding.

Just stringy long hair.

I had short hair at the time.

I was like, Zeppelin shirt.

That's right.

Way too small.

I was a barbecue sauce.

I know exactly what Let's go.

Bring a pizza.

I was a little fat.

I was a brown pizza back to his door.

Never had sex.

I did not have to do it.

It would be a year until I had sex.

You had no idea.

Nobody got it.

It would be one year until I knew the pleasures of pussy.

Wait, wait, continue.

Set the scene.

And so I get back.

Got your pizza.

Got my pizza.

This is in the days where I didn't have a, I don't think I even had a smartphone.

I was listening on my computer.

Yeah.

And

you know, brought it up.

And Adam Crowley was just going on a rant about how welfare is fucking wrong.

And like, everyone that's on welfare is a piece of shit.

And I was just like, what the fuck?

I wanted you to say, you know, call someone gay or something, you know, make fun of Donnie.

Yeah.

From when you grew up.

But now he's just talking about these welfare.

He literally was talking about welfare.

Popping out kids to get more

from the government.

It was brutal, man.

And I was like, come on, man.

You, the man show guy, the juggies?

I wonder if I'll turn into that.

You may.

I mean, I think I will.

I really can't see it.

I think that that's the other thing.

I think that if you were to become alt-right, you would have done it before alt-right was a thing.

Yeah, you're right.

I am cool.

I think

you're right.

I am supremely cool.

Yeah.

Always

a tastemaker.

No, because I think that you, there were a lot of things that you had your ear to the ground about that have become, you know, like when you were talking about campus sex politics things, that was like pre-me too, and then it completely blew up a couple years later.

Yeah, I guess I was right about everything, and you were right.

I'm saying that if you're going to be a reactionary, you would have become a full reactionary four years ago.

So, what's the next move then, Nick?

What do you think is

just gay and happy?

No, I'm telling you, I'm like, I know you think I'm dumb.

Throw all your money into cryptocurrency.

All right, all right.

That may be the next move.

It might take a year, another year, but it's not dead.

There will be shit.

You can make money.

I'm going to chill on that.

Yeah, me too.

You know what I'm getting into, Stop?

Sports memorabilia.

That's my investment.

What do you got?

The market,

if it hasn't found a bottom, it will soon.

I think it did find a bottom.

His name was Nick Mullen.

No, he wasn't.

Jokes on you.

That's not even my fucking name anymore.

Oh, that's your name now.

I've been had for years.

The move.

The move.

It's a nickname.

The move.

Snake Piss Diablo.

That's cool.

That's my name.

Respect.

Has Snake Piss Diablo become a reactionary?

That's your fucking.

What's that wizard's name that said the N-word that we made fun of?

Waltemore?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The uncut scene.

The director's cut.

You remember that thing about him working at the sword stream.

Ascon

puss.

What's his name?

Asgard or something?

Asgard.

Yeah, who cares?

Fuck him.

We talking about a wizard?

Some guy who's got a stupid name.

Some fat British guy.

They got banned from Patreon.

Sargon, not Asgard.

Yeah.

What a fucking name.

He didn't try to get us canceled.

No, his friend or his fan.

Oh, yeah.

Whatever, man.

Fuck him.

How about Sargon, Baby, Gone?

Yeah, I remember that movie.

That guy being pedophiled in Boston.

Gone, Baby, Gone was good.

I think I kind of didn't like

all those Dennis Lahane adaptations.

Well, that was like you should let the baby live with the cops and have a good life and not with their parents.

I used to like Mystic River.

Was that the message?

I forget

Mystic River as a teenager, and then I watched it again as an adult.

And I guess the real mystery is why I enjoyed that film.

shit.

If you ask me,

that's you know what?

That's probably how that's how I feel about Gone Baby Gone.

I remember watching

whenever it first came out

and being like, damn.

And I watched Bits and Pieces.

My roommates were watching it recently, and I popped in.

Some of the pieces hold up, but I didn't watch the whole movie, to be fair.

It's about, right?

It's about a kid who has crackhead parents or something.

Yeah, yeah, and like when they try to take him away, adopts her.

Or like steals her.

The cops steal, They say

that.

Yeah, and then they put someone in jail who had already fucked kids.

Oh, they put an already guilty person.

So it was like the cops saw it as like, we're going to get this scumbag off the streets.

We're going to get this guy.

Save the kids from these fucking crackheads.

You know.

No way.

You got to send him back to the parents.

Elian Gonzalez.

What's Eleon up to these days?

He's in Cuba.

He's getting his dick.

He got a little operation.

Carlos.

Oh, he's a little bit of a little bit of a little operation.

He's working on classic.

He's girls changed his name to alexandria

whoa and then used the bust it in rule you should fucking you should make a meme

you have to shit is that what you're saying

okay well we should i mean we're oh you have to take like six bathroom breaks during the show

your bath your stomach has been fucked up i'm like well i do pee a lot in general sure i know that too about me i wish i i wish i still had that problem my stomach is not fucked up but i did take a shit before the show i know

my body's made out of salt.

Yeah.

I'm like a a desert.

I'm like a Gilla monster.

What's a Gila?

Gilla monster.

Gilla monster.

Snake Piss Diablo.

AKA the Gilla monster.

The Gilla monster of radio.

Whoa, dude, are you serious?

Yeah.

Well, everyone, go see Snake Piss Diablo in

Chicago on March, what is it, 1st or 2nd or some shit?

I will be at motherfucking

L.A.

this Sunday, the 2nd, or I'm sorry, Saturday the second.

I'm going to be there.

I'll also be, it's going to be the Super Bowl if you have a good party.

I'm not coming to it.

How about fucking a tattoo of Stone Cold Steve Austin, right?

But his arms are Cobras, you know, like in the picture.

But then the Cobras are just passionately sucking his dick.

I love it.

His eyes closed.

That's really good.

So, LA on the 2nd, please come see me at the Lodge Room.

There's a few tickets left for that.

Let's sell that motherfucker out, the late show.

And then I'm in Hartford on the 16th at the Elbow Room.

And in Delaware, I'm bringing Ian Finance with me, making up a date on the big mistake.

On the 22nd of February.

It will be a mistake.

The odds are he will

stop at the rest stop and suck off a guy, and I'll lose him on the way down.

We got any truckers in here?

Bim Chakalaka.

Stopvi.biz slash tour for those.

But yeah, please fucking come out, guys.

I'll be promoting them all that shit.

And we got a fucking funny moms popping off on the 11th, my birthday show.

That's my actual birthday.

I turned 30 years old on that day.

And again, the offer stands.

If anyone can beat me in a sword fight, you are allowed to replace me on the show, but it is a fight to the death.

And then big news, March 30th.

We've teased this a little bit by now.

When this show comes out, the tickets should be out.

We are doing a live podcast and a stand-up show at the Black Cat DC as part of the Stand-Up Underground Summit Festival, March 30th.

Come to one show.

Yeah, we are.

We talked about that already.

Come to one show.

Come to both.

Come to one.

We're doing stand-up and a live pod.

It's going to be very fun.

Am I on the show?

You are on the show.

We discussed this.

We've talked about this.

And the tickets are free, folks.

The tickets are not free.

They'll be $20 each, please.

So, yeah.

Listen, $40 night to see, to spend hours with your boys.

And remember that Stavros is the sub-boss of said aforementioned said sword fight.

And you will fight him Goro style.

Which I just.

What is Goro style?

I don't know.

You both have four arms.

Oh, okay.

That sounds hot.

No, you're both completely nude.

Okay.

Save for a ponytail.

I love it.

I wish pubes grew out indefinitely.

You know what I mean?

I would have such a cool ponytail.

What?

Have you ever tried to completely grow your pubes out?

Yeah, I let them go for like years.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I just didn't.

That's like,

you know,

oh, I don't know.

What?

Well, I was going to say, if I'm like in a relationship with somebody and I'm full pubes, it's like, I don't care about it.

That's a sign.

So if you ever find yourself dating Nick Muller,

and he's got that little fro,

you know, he's checked out out emotionally.

Yeah, dude.

If we're going, if we're just, if it's just a mess,

if everything just smells bad constantly because I don't shower either.

Oh, yeah.

You're fucked.

You're fucked.

You're fucked, bitch.

All right.

It's time for you to move on,

which you'll probably do.

Which you'll do probably a little too late.

Guess what?

It's time for you to come to your senses.

You knew this day was coming, honestly, if you're being honest with yourself.

If you're being honest with yourself,

he's not emotionally available.

I've never been.

There's nothing that changed.

I was never here.

Nothing is different.

It's been like this the entire time.

So, yes, we'll leave you with that.

Adam, anything you'd like to plug?

Just took a nice dump.

God damn it, dude.

It's going to smell horrible when I go in there and take a piss, isn't it?

I can light a match or something.

Yeah, maybe you should have, man.

Yeah, maybe you should.

I got some things, maybe, to play.

Maybe you should have

soon.

Maybe you should have.

Yeah.

Adam,

look, it's me, your cousin from Israel.

It's your cousin from Israel.

Oh, my God.

The pictures of you having gay sex again.

Cousin Mordechai.

It's me,

cousin Mordega guys.

Moore of Sakhar.

Moore of the guys.

Mordech.

Moore Sockmore guys.

More of the guys.

and i'm here just to say i'm gay all right well that's it i'm just gay cousins

from misery

i'm having fun dude i love broadcasting

goodbye everyone

today on hey culligan reverse to reduce here's bob hey culligan i love fresh water but i got plastic bottles coming out whoa bob you are not kidding about the bottles but did you know culligan's reverse osmosis and always on drinking water systems provide fresh clean delicious drinking water and help reduce the equivalent of over 15 billion plastic bottles from landfills worldwide?

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