Ep. 137 – Dexters Gender Labratory

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And we're off.

Sucks, sucks, suck, suck.

Sucks up my piece.

Sucks a dick.

Wanna fuck him, wanna suck him.

I'll be forever gay.

I'm gay actor Chris Cooper.

I'm never gonna be a gay.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to Come Town.

The biggest, dickest show of all time.

God bless the pussy.

God bless the pussy.

You heard it here first, folks.

That's right.

God bless it.

That's right.

And I said unto him,

Let me get some pussy lord.

That's what that's this.

Is now a Bible study podcast.

Hell yeah.

What's that one?

Something about the emissions of donkeys or whatever the fuck.

You guys have seen that.

There's like a there's like a Bible verse about

like

about like donkey dicks and like some woman getting facials from donkeys and shit.

My bar mitzvah portion,

I read the English like a week before my bar mitzvah because it's just you go up there, you gibber.

And then I read it, it was like, You can't fuck a horse, you can't fuck a cow, you can't be gay.

It was all the sex rules.

Well, hell yeah.

You can't be gay with your brother.

Oh, what?

Wait, that has to be explicitly said?

Were Jews sucking each other's brothers off?

Yeah.

Well, Adam's like, well, can we suck our brothers' dicks?

Okay, when did Jews start?

Like, literally, they were cavemen, right?

No.

Basically.

Abraham was the first Jew.

I mean, how long ago was that?

So long ago, right?

6,000 years ago?

That's a long-ass time.

Noah was like the cover.

They were probably so short, right?

Probably three feet tall.

No.

The average height until like 1970 was probably like 5'9.

No, it was not.

And then it went up to 5'10 and a half.

What are are you talking about?

That's crazy.

No, that is true.

Like, there's all this bullshit about people, like, you know, people only used to live till 12.

And it's like, no, they lived.

People, like, I mean, like, life expectancy was shorter if you factor in like childhood mortality and stuff.

And probably getting murdered and shit.

In like 1870, if you made it past your fucking 15th birthday, you could live to like 73.

Well, that's 1870.

We're talking at BC.

Okay, yeah.

Back in like the fucking.

You look back.

Yeah.

No, you probably got

died out 1300.

Yeah, I mean barring some shit like that.

Yeah, but I mean you know if you're just living your life.

No, I bet you they were short and dying fast

They were definitely you're gonna die faster.

You're gonna die faster than your middle-aged counterpart Your middle-aged your medieval counterpart no chance bitch

I'm outliving all of them first of all your boy got insurance.

I've been going to doctors non-stop

I've been going to doctors like a motherfucker.

I'm going to a fucking I'm going to get I'm going to get a dermatologist.

I'm going to go to a fucking phlebotomist.

Okay.

It's a blood doctor.

For my ass.

For my fat.

I'm going to Dr.

Plebotomist.

It's just

drawing blood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what a phlebotomist is.

No,

they do the veins.

No, that's.

No, you're wrong as fuck.

You are as wrong about that as you are how short people were.

Yeah, he's gone.

No, it's no.

A phlebotomist is somebody that inserts a needle into your vein.

It's like

saying, I'm going to see an anesthesiologist.

No, it's not, bro.

It's literally.

Look, phlebotomy is the process of making an incision in a vein with a needle.

Search what phlebotomist is, though.

Maybe I'm not.

Maybe it's not phlebotomist.

No.

A person who performs phlebotomy is called the phlebotomist.

You're talking about a proctologist.

No, I'm not talking.

A proctologist is an ass cheeks doctor.

I don't think Stop actually thought about it as an ass choice.

Hold on, hold on.

I'll tell you right now.

A phlebotomist is just the person that inserts a needle in his phone.

No, hold on.

I was telling you guys the other day, I was watching TV back at home.

There's a show, which is in its fourth season right now.

Pulmonologist.

I meant pulmonologist.

For your lungs.

It's just a sleep.

I don't know.

This motherfucker.

Look, I think I have sleep apnea.

Okay.

I said phlebotomic.

That was wrong.

You were right about that.

You were not right about how tall people were, though, or how long they lived.

Oh, because sleep apnea is a breathing disorder.

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, that makes sense.

Yeah, so

I'm about to get dermatologist.

I'm going to to a dermatologist, get some moles checked out.

Like I was saying, I texted you guys this.

There's a show just.

5'6 was the average height in 1300.

You're right.

That is a very tall guy.

Never mind.

That's a tall guy, as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah, you know what?

You're right, Nick.

Those guys were tall as shit back then.

No, how about this?

Actually, look, using skeleton evidence from Europe, the team found that an average height decreased from 68.27 inches in the Middle Ages, which is 5'8.5,

to a low of 65.75 inches in the 1600s and 1700s.

So people got shorter from the middle ages.

Yeah.

Because there was other things to fuck other than, you know, I mean, like, oh, this guy invented glasses.

He may be 5'3, but he invented the

corncob pipe.

Oh.

Well,

here's another thing, though.

Here's another thing.

Evolutionarily, busting quick is an advantage.

Was it?

Yeah, because your cum is in a pussy quick.

Exactly.

So a small dick that busts fast, that's the apex predator, actually.

Why it's small?

Why it's small?

Because it's in every pussy quick.

But a big dick can get in.

No, they don't even know you're fucking them.

No, small is good.

You sneak into the pussy.

You don't want to make a big deal out of it.

You don't want to hurt people

in and out.

Bing bong.

But I feel like it's a small.

Bong bong.

Interesting.

You need a long,

you need a skinny, long cock.

You don't need to hit the back.

You need to get as long right before hitting the back walls.

That's optimum cock length.

Hitting the back walls, not pleasurable for a woman.

I always thought it was like, oh, that's what I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to hit the cervix with my penis.

Yeah.

But apparently, women really don't like that.

I think women like it.

Women like us having a gun shoved in their fucking face.

And then it's like, quit fucking speaking Spanish, bitch.

You decided to come into this country.

You see what happened.

You decided to fucking come clean my house after I called you.

You're strapping me out of the health class.

And that's sex.

That's what sex is.

Kids, that's sex.

Like, that's not sex children.

Yes, it is.

They're like, goodbye, Mr.

Mullen.

We love you.

I love you, too.

Don't forget what I told you.

We love you.

The idea that you, that that type of sex ed teacher is everyone loves.

I'm like, oh, captain, my captain.

Or

hauling me off to jail.

That's what sex is.

It's raping a Semitic immigrant.

Seize the day, lads.

Seize the day.

That's my dead poet society.

A man that lies his way into.

Seize the pussy, lads.

The teaching.

Teaching sex ed at a high school and telling them all the rape is sex ed.

Well, that actually does check.

That actually

tracks.

New England boarding schools, they probably did have rape class.

Well,

they got raped by the headmaster.

How do you think he got that name?

That guy, what's his name?

Christopher Hitchens or whatever?

Yeah.

Was like, yeah, me and all of my mates in Spain.

Oh, yeah, they got buggered.

Yeah.

And now

they're all Tories and they're hypocrites.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, he used to have gay sex as a child, yeah, dude.

Well, they were getting molested, he loved having gay sex.

Yeah, my brother Marcus from Bastrup, he's the one that went to jail for having gay sex.

He's telling me that in prison, they were having gay sex in there, too.

I said, What in the Lord's name is going on these days?

Are logical visits a thing?

Do they actually do that?

Or is that like a verb admitted?

I don't know.

Why are they called that conjugal?

That's the only time I hear that word.

That's true.

You hear conjugate a verb.

Oh, it's a conjugate verb, right?

But then conjugal visits.

It's like it's only in the context of like, yeah, you get to.

Yeah, what does conjugal mean?

It means you get to touch the pussy.

Interesting.

Like, no, there's gay sex.

I guess it depends by the same thing.

If you can't, and that's not a thing that people are like, it would be amazing if that's like not a social justice thing that's already an issue, is making sure that gay prisoners are able to have gay sex

while we're on death row

after murdering a family of four.

We got to make sure these

men can have gay sex.

His mentally ill husband

that he fucking met over the mail needs to be allowed, who got molested by a man that looks exactly like like him should be allowed to come in and fuck the other supply club when gawker like

it's like look the death penalty is wrong whatever like yeah don't don't have the death penalty it's fucking barbaric but like for the most part everyone on death row deserves to be on death row for sure

what do you mean

they deserve to die but i mean well you should have the death penalty but i don't have any sympathy for those people right except the retarded ones in texas but the retarded ones the retarded ones still murdered people yeah but they're retarded well That's how they got caught.

Ah, interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

The non-retarded murderers don't get caught.

If you fucking tear a woman's eyeballs out and then fuck her skull and then sit there eating ice cream, yeah, they're going to be able to solve that.

The guys that have this.

This is

a trail of gob stoppers leading to his parents' garage where he lives.

Well, boys, case closed.

Looks like another

retard shop.

Oh, shit.

But anyways, yeah.

A couple years ago, Gawker had like that,

they took a letter from

a letter from some death row guy, and all the fucking Kinja readers or whatever, leaving all these comments, like,

what an innocent soul.

Can't we get a lawyer to help this man or whatever?

And then finally, you hear from like the guy whose brother was like brutally murdered by this dude for like a speaker

and then the garger is like oh we're sorry they had to like apologize what was the letter about i would say took i mean like

you don't use people on death row to make an argument that fuck it right you can make an argument that like that you use the guy got arrested for selling weed and got 30 years sure yeah for prison reform right but as far as like abolishing the death penalty don't talk to people that like fucked a four-year-old to death right and be like this man man deserves a second chance.

Right, right, right.

Because it's like he probably doesn't.

What he deserves is to just fucking die in jail.

I mean, fuck deserve.

I don't care about deserve.

It's like don't murder people.

Yeah, that's just don't do it.

Yeah.

When I was back home, I saw the front page.

I think you should.

This hot girl.

Hot take.

I think you should murder her.

Her mugshot, she was like, she was pretty hot.

I fucked her.

And

she was on trial for murder.

Nice.

Oh, damn, who'd she killed?

And then I turned to the page where they described what the crime was.

She ran out on getting a manicure, which would have been thirty-five dollars.

Oh my god.

The woman ran after her.

The manicurist ran after her, got caught, I guess, in the door or something, and was dragged for like ten blocks to death

in a car door?

Jesus Christ.

That's insane.

Holy shit.

Dragged him for like ten blocks.

What?

Insane.

That's crazy.

Damn, this bitch is hot.

She's probably innocent.

I was like, oh my god.

What

lace?

Oh, white.

It was a...

Come on.

You know that crime's got

caucassient.

The call Cassidy.

We should.

You know that Mayo face.

The Kalkassidy.

Well, I assumed it was white because you said she was hot, and you don't find other races attractive.

That's not true at all.

That's not true.

He's paid for sex with lots of different races.

Yeah, that's true.

And I've paid for sex.

Sometimes over $100.

Yo, speaking of people that got off, should have been in prison, shouts out to this girl's not girl Sentoya.

This girl's not hot at all, dude.

She looked good on the looks like a fucking dog.

Oh, yeah.

She looks

good in the newspaper.

What's

Crystal Whipple?

Crystal Whipple.

Let me suck those dirty nipples, Crystal Whipple.

Yeah.

Can you imagine dragging someone to death?

No.

No.

That sounds horrible, actually.

I remember reading a story about a guy, some like contractor or whatever.

He dragged somebody for like five blocks in his pickup, and then they stopped him, and he was like, What?

What the fuck?

You know, like people pulled him over, and he had no idea he had hit somebody.

And, you know, no, he didn't.

He just fucking driven a big old truck.

Yeah, he was driving a big truck.

And then I think he's like, yeah, he got, I remember, like, him facing charges, and it just like terrified me.

It's like, so some asshole crosses the road.

Yep.

And I'm playing

Game Boy Advance.

Yeah.

I'm playing Game Boy Advance over the street.

street.

I'm listening to Howard.

I'm listening to Howard.

I have Howard on Blast.

Yeah.

I'm playing Game Boy Advance.

I'm blasting Howard.

I've got Game Boy Advance in front of me.

I can go down like that?

Yeah.

That's fucking bullshit.

That's bullshit, dude.

I'll say I better be able to bring my fucking GBA to prison.

fucking warden keeps taking my Game Boy's ants away from me.

Yeah, you keep getting into jail for murdering people for taking your Game Boy vance.

Oh, fuck.

But yeah, shouts out to that girl who murdered the guy.

No, no, no, no, no.

This girl Centoy Brown.

She got clemency.

She was like sentenced to 40 years in jail because she killed a guy who made her a sex slave.

That you deserve a fucking...

She went to jail for like 40 years.

She was 16

she was a kid yeah

so salute to her getting out of jail

and fuck

the government man fuck that shit

that got they got four years oh they didn't catch this bitch she's wanted by police after

after running over and killing the owner of a nail dirty nipples is dirty nipples yeah damn let's find her crystal whipple

oh she's from vegas look crystal if you're listening.

Crystal, if you're out there.

You can sex your way out of this crime.

Yeah, we know the DA.

We know the DA.

It's a family of friends.

Yeah.

You got to do a couple things for us.

Let's just say we're going to treat your pussy the way you treated that Korean woman.

Actually, you know who was a family friend?

Was the judge, a friend of my mom's, was the judge in the OJ trial for when he stole his shit back.

Oh, really?

Interesting.

Yep.

Whipple was attempting to flee the 50-year-old

Walk Q Wynn.

Who would have guessed?

I couldn't tell if it was man or whatnot.

No, Waq Wynn jumped in front of the vehicle.

Damn.

Also,

if you're that person,

let the 35 go.

Do you know about manicures?

Like, it's slavery.

Oh, really?

They make like $2 an hour.

Yikes.

And they work for $10.

It's a terrible ticket.

Right, right, right.

So she'd probably had it up to there.

She's like, no, I'm not getting God again.

Oh, wait, hold on.

The car was also stolen.

This is like a bad bitch.

Oh, she's a bad bitch.

Yeah.

The car was stolen?

Police said the vehicle, a black convertible sedan, was reportedly stolen from an auto rental agency last month.

Nice.

She abandoned it.

What else?

What else?

What else she do?

Anyone with information about Whipple, contact the authorities at 702-828-3521.

Let's call in now and give the police fake information as a radio show prank.

Um, yeah.

Um, my name's Jonathan Starlighter, and I'm four years old, and

I just

fucked that bitch.

Okay, you said your name was Jonathan

Nick Mones Penis, Starlighter.

Uh,

let me get this down.

Yeah, I'm calling about the dirty nipples, bitch.

Yeah, uh, uh, do you, do you, uh, do you like the taste of Howard Cerns' penis?

Okay, you know we can trace these calls.

I have backtraced it.

You're done goofed.

Yeah, that shit's fucked up.

No, I think it's cool.

I think it's cool.

No, we both think it's cool, actually.

Yeah, we've decided it's cool.

Crystal Whipple's cool.

Man, I made a pretty good breakfast for myself today.

You did.

Thanks, guys.

Looked good, man.

Thanks, man.

A little Japanese brekkairu.

Yep.

Which is also a good band.

Japanese breakfast.

That's right.

Uh-huh.

Brooklyn, New York.

No tickets in three years.

Do this on Monday.

Are you reading Outbrain?

Are you just reading spam links?

Yeah.

Well, this is okay.

It's gas digital top headlines for today.

New York launches chargeless solar program in Brooklyn.

And this is, that's definitely New York.

That picture of Mars.

That's really good.

Here we go.

U.S.

cardiologists, it's like a pressure wash for your insides.

What is?

I don't know.

I can't tell you unless you click.

Me blasting a hot load.

Hotly pool.

CEO's prediction will blow your mind.

That's cool.

What is it?

Click.

No, I don't want to.

What the fuck, dude?

Dick Cheney's daughter responds after Christian Bale compared her father to Satan.

Suck a fat dick.

Is her name Vagina Cheney?

There's only one.

Is her name Vagina Cheney?

go into it but like the other daughter runs yeah dick cheney's daughter what's her name vagina cheney whoa that's good pussy chaney

hey cunt cheney yeah what's her name pussy cheney

yeah what what the fuck is her name gash chaney pal wow dick cheney's got a daughter i wonder what her name is whole chaney

Yeah, fucking slut.

Yeah, she's a fucking whore.

Yeah, I bet, you know, her dad's a real asshole.

I bet she's a real slut.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Dick Cheney.

Yeah.

Her dad's Dick Cheney.

Is her name Twat Cheney?

There used to be a guy in Congress named Dick Army.

No.

Yeah, what's his daughter's name?

Was it Pussy Army?

Yeah, I bet it is, dude.

It's either that or whole army.

This is crazy.

Bale apparently played a guy named Dick Cheney.

What's his name?

Christian Dick?

I bet him.

If Christian Bale had a daughter, her name would be Pussy Bale.

What's Christian Bale's daughter play a movie's name?

Pussy Cheney?

I bet, dude.

I bet that is what his daughter plays a movie of.

I bet, dude.

I fucking bet.

I bet that is what that fucking whore does, dude.

Christian Bell's daughter, that fucking slut.

Slut, dude.

Fucking plays that plays that character, man.

That's the character.

You know where I bet that shit?

Guess where I bet that shit?

Babet DSI.com.com.

That's right, motherfuckers.

Fuck my dick, and then fuck my dad.

Alec Trebek, yeah.

For betdsi.com.

When I want to bet about whether I'm gay or not, this juicy piece of meat is entering my wife's pussy layer tonight

Did you guess what is my cock?

Well

don't remember to tip your cab driver

That's cab jeopardy

Cab Jeopardy.

You know what you know what you can bet on on bet the SI calm is cab jeopardy.

Yes, you can you sit there in the cab instead of answering on the computer in the the cab computer like a little fucking bitch like a fucking slut why don't you pull up your your uh mobile play mobile internet device, your phone, laptop, tablet, PC,

bring your desktop computer into the cabin.

And you want to pull it.

Plug a generator, a small personal generator.

You say, you plug this in and you fish

all the wires.

You're doing a

17-minute ride.

You shove all the wires.

Say, plug this in for me.

And the cab slows down.

Hey, boss, why don't you go ahead and plug this in for me?

Slow down at two miles per hour to power your 1993 Windows 3.0.

You have to bring extra gasoline.

You will run out halfway into the ride.

Right.

And you go to betthesi.com and you place your bets on

Name This Hog is Alec Trebek's personal.

There are different pictures of Cox that Alec Trebek's wife has fucked.

Yeah.

You have to select which guy it is.

Yeah.

And then do that at betthesi.com.

They've been in business over 20 years.

Oh, my God.

So long, R.

Kelly wouldn't have sex with them.

Oh,

shit.

Lucky there's a family guy.

Walworsh.

Walworsh.

Let me show you your red push.

Geez,

what's all this child pornography story?

Was Pussy Cheney in here?

Me too.

Yes, I had sex with Pussy Cheney.

There we go.

Even R.

Kelly wouldn't fuck Meg.

They all mock her for not getting raped by R.

Kelly.

Damn.

If you write for Family Guy, can we get that joke on the show?

Yeah, get that joke on the show.

Yeah.

Anyway.

They've been in business 20 years.

20 years.

They got an award-winning mobile app that just won the Golden Globe for Best Picture.

It It really did.

Musical and comic.

Yeah.

What else?

They got a mobile app.

They got a mobile app, and you can play Betwin on it

anywhere you want.

You dial it.

It's just the way in there.

We will fucking asshole you.

Can you

say

you turned the cab into your personal work powerhouse workstation?

This is the only way it'll work.

My friend, I have to pull off the cab to pray

Because my God,

all we do is pray.

And by the way, the only way it works is if you're doing it from a cab, from a desktop computer.

Yeah.

But

they got a mobile app.

You can use anywhere.

Anywhere.

Use that baby bitch anywhere you fucking.

Anywhere your cock desires.

Call them.

But they offer live in-game wagering.

They also offer jive in-game wagering.

You know what you're saying?

So, like, you're losing.

Man, I didn't even.

How about this, Jack?

Yeah.

Why don't you

let me slide in on a little renegade?

You know what I'm saying?

That's right.

And I ain't even going to pay for the bet.

Yep.

And that's jive.

That's jive in-game betting.

Yeah, and they also have live in-game wagering.

Not really sure what that is, but if you gamble, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Yeah, you could change your bet.

You can hedge in the second half.

Yeah, you can wedge your bets, too.

That's where you shove them up your fucking ass.

Yeah, you put a bunch of, you take a bunch of western fries, potato wedges, shove those in your pussy, and then Put them in your bitch's pussy.

That's right.

It's called wedge wedges.

They offer wedge-in-gate.

Wait, what is it?

Wedging.

Live in wife wedging.

Live in wife pussy wedging from bed DSC.

So you could do that also.

Make your wife suck the mayonnaise off the French fries, and that bitch better not take a bite out of it.

No, absolutely not.

That's what I love.

Look, if you're like me, you love dipping your french fry wedges in some mayonnaise and making your bitch suck the mayonnaise

without biting it.

But if a crumb of potato gets a

morsel of potato gets on a...

Slap!

Slap!

Slap!

Right in the middle of the Roy Rogers on the New Jersey turnpike.

Well, she's on all fours sucking mayo off the fry.

Yeah.

And people are like, that guy must be play, betting, and winning on BetheXR.com.

They're like,

is that my old health teacher?

That man taught me everything.

And then it's a flashback.

That's how the movie starts.

That's good.

Slap!

Slap!

Oh!

Slap!

Anyways,

live in-game wagering.

They've been in business over a million years.

Over a million years.

Something like that.

The dinosaurs bet on whether they could suck my dick one day.

Ouch, Trill Dinosaurs.

Remember that show?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That was it.

Oh, yeah.

Dinosaurs is the name of the show, and then Our Real Monsters.

I don't know why I thought Owl Treal Dinosaurs is the name of the show.

Because your dick is small.

No.

Yeah.

I just, hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I'm calling my doctor.

Yeah.

How about the doctor?

Hold on.

Six cocksmall?

Oh, wait, this is more important.

So, you know, the guy, the guy who holds the eyeballs, right?

Yeah.

So, yes.

He's holding his balls, and then there's a dick coming off his face.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

He's got a dick and he's holding his balls.

That is correct.

How do we not get to that?

I don't know.

Wasn't one of them an umbrella, too?

I don't fucking know.

But that's a really.

Listen, man.

It's really impractical.

Honestly, Nick, you got to start drawing again just for that.

I need a picture of that.

No, man, finish the read.

Nick got off the read to Google what that guy looks like.

He said with eyeballs.

It would be awesome.

Eyeballs, dude.

And then a dick with the noses.

Yes, that would be incredible.

And then he went.

The dick's looping around and he's sucking on it with his

clothes.

Of course, because they're all so gross.

Yeah.

So he's sucking the cock as well.

Anyways, what were we talking about?

The read.

We were finishing the read.

Oh, yeah.

I don't even care anymore.

Come on, man.

No, we got met thesi.com.

And then imagine that guy with the balls and the thing.

Living game wagering.

Here's what we're betting on this week.

Take the Ravens over the middle.

No, the Chargers lost.

Take the Ravens over the chargers.

The Ravens lost the Chargers.

I got a video chess tape that I revealed to you of the game.

Although, I think they covered it.

I don't remember, honestly.

Call to action.

So when you sign up, you want to know.

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Let's start the show.

Let's start the show, bitch.

Oh, and by the way, here's, listen, this isn't really plug time, but I need to sell some ticks.

If you're in Harrisburg tomorrow, please buy fucking, or I'm sorry, Lancaster PA.

Come out.

Pittsburgh's about to sell out.

Sorry, guys, if you haven't bought your tickets, you dumb fucks.

You can still get tickets to Lancaster, Buffalo, or Schenectady.

And then Phoenix, Phoenix and Tucson, 19th and 20th.

Come out to those.

And also LA, there's a second show.

I'm going to have fun over there.

It's nice.

I like it.

But yeah.

I cannot stop thinking about it.

That guy is so good.

Him with his balls.

He's holding his balls in his pop.

And he's just got a crusty, uncircumcised dick nose.

But then the big purple smile.

Yeah, it's definitely smiling.

He keeps bumping into you because he has nuts for eyes.

God damn, I love that guy.

The other little red guy with the big mouth sneak sucks his dick sometimes.

And then the guy who's like pitching the show to Nickelodeon is like, what?

They're monsters.

That's what they do.

They're monsters.

That's good.

I'm going to draw it as soon as we're going to be able to do it.

Of course, dude.

You got to draw that.

I don't remember the other monsters at all.

Oh, yeah, you do.

One, the tall, skinny one.

One of them is an umbrella, isn't she?

Yeah, it's like a candy, a black and white candy cane.

Yep.

And then there's a little devilish red guy.

The candy cane was kind of sexy, I remember, being attracted to her as a child.

The concept of a a girl.

Yeah, literally, yeah.

Being presented to me.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

She's like he had a cute voice.

I was a child.

I was horned up.

I kind of wanted to fuck Angelica from

Slay Angelica.

Yeah, right.

I mean, this guy looks like a nuts.

He basically is a nutsack, let's be honest.

It's a little like on, it's like too much.

What's his name?

I don't remember.

Adam, what's his name?

What's his name?

Adam, what's his name?

Adam.

What's his name?

Just holding his balls.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet it is.

Romble?

I don't know.

I'm looking.

Do you mean Romble?

Romble?

It's not Romble.

It's an Icus.

Icus?

Oh, yeah.

Icus.

They had some kind of like theme to their names.

Icus, Icus, suck Dickus.

Lickus, Stickus.

Pussy, Lickis, Pussy, Fuckus.

Zimba?

What's the thing about what this motherfucker's name is?

I don't remember, dude.

Who gives a fuck?

Ikus, Oblina, and Crumb.

Oblina, my bitch.

My bitch, Oblina.

Tell me you don't want to fuck someone named Oblina.

Tim Curry did one of the voices?

Online.

Tim Curry looking at child boy.

He was like, I'll do it as long as I can hang out with.

What was that guy's name?

This is a crazy cat.

The Nickelodeon guy?

Jim Belushi, Michael Dorn, Bronson Pinosh.

What?

Say his name?

Pinchot, you dumb bitch.

Pinchot.

That's a fucking awesome.

Who is the girl?

You got warfare?

Who was the girl?

Oblena.

But who?

Oh, shit.

Shelly Duvar.

Christine.

Thank you.

Christine Kavanaugh

is who played the girl.

Damn, I would fuck her.

Yeah, she's hot, dude.

What else was she in?

Christine Josephine Sandberg.

Eh, never mind.

That can't open.

Damn, I would smash, though.

Yeah, Christine Kavanaugh.

Let's see.

Wait,

she's from Utah, but she's Jewish.

How does that make sense?

Roseanne's a Mormon Jew.

Nuh-uh.

What the fuck do you mean?

You can't be both of those.

Oh, she died.

Damn.

R.I.P.

to my bitch.

I think I fucked her too hard.

I fucked her too hard, actually.

Her son listens to the show.

Damn, sorry about that if you do.

And what I'm apologizing for is fucking your mother's death, by the way.

Sorry, your mom got her pussy fucking...

Blown out!

Blowed.

Blown.

Okay, that's not the same thing as a Mormon Jew.

You know who's a Mormon Jew?

Chelsea lately.

You're not a Mormon and a Jew, motherfucker.

She's one parent's one.

Yeah, this bitch was the voice of Babe, Pig in the Shit.

She can get it.

Chucky from Rugrats.

Babe, I'd fuck Chucky.

She was the voice of Dexter from Dexter's laboratory.

She died at 51.

Too young.

That's too young, man.

She still could have gotten it.

There was good pussy left in the world.

The pussy could have been gotted,

my man.

You can't let these bitches die when the pussy may still be gotta fight.

Oh, fuck.

You know what I thought about the other day?

Having gay sex with a man?

No, that's not what I thought about.

Remember Christina Millionaire?

Of course.

I used to want to fuck Christina.

She's so hot.

Ashanti, you still could get it.

Wow,

she doesn't have any kids.

That's sad.

Damn.

I would have piped this bitch down.

I would have fucked her children, too.

Yeah.

If she had a daughter that looked like her, hmm.

R.I.P.

to that pussy as well.

Million was raised in Waldorf, Maryland.

Really?

You know what?

It's crazy.

I don't think I've ever been to fucking Waldorf.

What do you mean?

I don't think I've ever been to Waldorf.

The dirty dwarf?

I don't think I've ever been there.

Dude, Dude, I've been there.

Me and my boys hit up a hot tub.

My boy Bussy shouts out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huh?

You call him Bussy because he loves to bust?

Yeah, he loves busting, dude.

Bust it.

When that's on the bus.

That's what I should have done for my birthday, man.

I should have gone to Waldorf.

Dude, the dirty bush.

Did you ever go to Hagerstown?

No, I've never been to Hagerstown.

See, that's what I mean.

You go to these like.

Yeah, you're right.

Hagerstown is by, like, West Virginia, right?

Yeah, sort of.

Yeah.

It's like west of Frederick.

But anytime I'd be in Hagerstown, it's like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like this showby.

Waldorf's exactly like that.

It's just horrible, like, strips.

It's still Maryland.

Yeah.

You know, but it's like

it feels like Tampa or just some weird Florida.

It feels like Florida, honestly.

That's where Gay Charlotte Good Charlotte's from.

Waldorf.

Yeah.

The Dirty Dwarf.

Damn 301.

I believe.

Yeah, me and like seven of my boys sat in a hot tub there one night.

Yeah, it was pretty fucking wild.

That is incredible.

Rodney Dark Dark Child Jerkins.

That rules.

That's like a fake name we'd come up with.

I know.

That one that doesn't even really make sense.

It's so funny.

I don't know exactly what.

I mean,

what does Jerkins look like?

Oh, he looks exactly like what you would expect him to do.

Oh, he looks perfect.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I was expecting a Kangol hat.

Wow, they never told anyone what she died from.

Oh, yeah.

I bet they didn't.

Yeah.

I didn't want that.

My family, I was a minor at the time, and they didn't want me being known as the guy who fucked a woman to death as a seven-year-old.

She died in 2014.

Oh.

Damn, the effects of me fucking her took a while.

Yeah.

But I piped her when I was seven.

Yeah.

Twenty fourteen.

All right, now.

What?

Yeah, that's right.

Shelly Duval also did a voice on Our Real Monsters and

she was a great actress, but now she lives literally, she's broke in the middle of nowhere, Texas, and she is mentally ill.

Uh-uh.

Why?

Really?

Yeah.

That sucks.

This is weird.

She she, like, abruptly retired in 2001 at 38.

And then no, she, like, no one heard from her.

Or bitch?

Obelina?

Not Shelly Duvall.

Oh, Obelina.

Christine Kavanaugh.

Yeah.

Christine Blasey Kavanaugh.

Wait, hold on.

Hold on.

Uh-oh.

It's all coming together.

It's all coming together.

I just realized I fucked this bitch to death.

Shelly Duvall.

It's all coming together.

The joke I initially made, actually,

again, is what it is.

I just put it together.

I just put it together.

It was my cock that killed her.

I saw the

caper is over.

Yeah.

Ah, Real Monsters.

How about a show called Ah, My Dick?

Done with that bitch said before she did.

That's what she said.

Ah, your dick.

Ah.

Nah, really, though.

Rest in peace.

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

Inside Pussy.

The Hoblina, Noblina.

Bust him down, Noblina.

All right.

So, what it was was Dr.

Phil had Shelly Duval on.

Oh, yeah.

No, we got it.

This happened while we were doing the podcast.

We already talked about it.

I don't remember this at all.

But honestly, I don't remember shit we talk about.

Except getting my penis sucked.

Oh, yeah, Sam.

I told you I was going to say it on the podcast.

So yesterday I went to a

bookstore

to buy Nick a present for watching my dog this week.

And I asked the guy working there, who was like some fat ponytail guy.

Yeah, Nick Farden.

Nick Farden is waving it at Adam with a pillow.

His ass is at face level because Adam's on the beanbag chair.

I smell it now.

It's a beefy one.

You had a couple.

Nick had a shit.

Yours was bad just now, but Nick had one when we did it with Jamel that was like, yeah, dude.

I had gotten over the

whatever that stomach virus was, and for like three days, I was just shitting white.

Nice.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's what it was.

The stomach virus.

It was the stomach virus.

Anyways, moving on.

He was also throwing up white.

A lot.

Yeah, it was weird, dude.

He was throwing up and shitting white.

He had white st he was like getting white out of his hands and stuff and out of his hair.

It was bad.

I felt bad for him having that.

Yeah.

He went out to he did a bunch of cocaine, went out to a club with a mesh tank top on.

And that's after that is when he caught that specific stomach virus.

But anyway, anyway, yeah, I go to the guy and I was like, I'm gonna get some satanic shit for Nick.

Nice.

Do you have any candles that you could use to curse people?

I don't fucking lose it.

I was like, well, do you have any that like people would buy, you know, that they usually buy for

that purpose.

And he said, let me put it to you this way:

a gun could be used to feed a family, but it could also be used to murder a family.

Oh my god.

That's incredible.

A candle is as powerful as a gun to this fat motherfucker.

And then I said to him, I didn't know you could eat guns.

And he did not appreciate it.

Yeah, you're trying to riff a little bit.

Are you still reading about

bitch?

Why?

I don't know.

She just sort of like

left entertainment, probably had a drug problem.

There's something, I mean, you look at her and she's hot, but there's something, you know, sinister.

Not sinister.

Maybe a candle.

Maybe a candle.

Someone.

There's something sad about this lady.

Yeah, I agree with you.

No, don't mess.

Yeah, you can't see it.

Don't tell him.

No, don't look.

What was her name?

Here, look, I'm showing it to you, but you already messed it.

This bitch.

Oh, her.

I fucked her.

No,

Pamela Adlon.

She also, she did the voice of Bobby Hill, Pamela Adlon.

Dad, can me and Joseph have gay sex?

Dad,

I want to have gay sex with Joseph.

Joseph, get out of my house and get out of Bobby's ass.

But, Dad, I like having gay sex.

What me and Mr.

Gribble do is for your own benefit.

Dad, you have sex with Daniel.

Peggy, I had gay sex to teach the boy a lesson.

He caught Bobby having gay sex, so he made him suck.

Hank, come on.

Made him have gay sex with 30 guys.

Get old Dank Dickard.

Get old Dank Dickard.

Come by.

Boy, come up.

Come by.

I put his baby to get his dick ball.

Play with the ball.

Get his ball real hard.

Play buddy.

Look around the asshole.

black rap, stir, stop, stir, stir, stir, playing with it like it's a little whistle, man.

Dang a little whistle of a kazoo or something, man.

Can I do that, Dad?

Looking around the outside like a little balloon knot, man.

I'll tell you.

Trying to have gay sex, get the asshole wing.

Stupid heelbilly.

Have gay sex.

You know something funny.

You the guy.

You ever watch Holton catch fire?

Nah.

Do you know the office manager?

That's the guy who...

Well, the office manager.

He's just a white guy.

It's the guy who plays Con is just some white guy from Texas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can tell he does someone else.

It'd be like if Matthew McKenzie does cotton.

He does cotton and they sound alike.

Yeah.

If you think about it.

You lay ocean boy, ain't you?

That's a good shot.

Yeah.

That's the best, dude.

Shout out to Greg Dale.

Stupid redneck.

How many gay sex on my lawn?

Con, mind your own business.

Me and Dale are doing what we need to do to honor the troops.

The troops who protected Texas from Afghanistan.

They want us to have gay sex on your lawn.

Damn.

Trump.

He would not have voted for Trump, though.

He's from New York and shit.

Who?

Yeah.

Hank Hill.

Hank would not have voted for Trump.

He wouldn't have.

He would have voted for Trump for sure.

Hank would have voted for Trump.

He would have been like a Marco Rubio guy or some shit.

He would have been a Jeb guy.

He on it.

Well, you think he, you think, do you think?

You think he would have voted for Hillary Clinton?

No, absolutely not.

Then he would have voted for Donald Trump.

No, but I mean the primary.

Oh.

Dale would have voted for Ron Johnson.

For sure.

Gary Johnson.

Gary Johnson.

Yeah.

Yeah, but of course.

Boomhauer.

Boomhauer would have voted for Trump.

Boomauer would have voted for Trump.

Man, man, goal, you know, grabbing on a pussyman.

Man, shoot, man.

I wish I could do a better program.

You can.

You got it.

You just have to get the rhythm.

You might need a little bit of cocaine.

No, I should vote for Hillary.

Hillary is Peggy.

Peggy is Hillary.

I am voting for Carly Fiorina.

I cannot wait to El Caste my vote.

Yo, Vote, El Carly Fiorina.

Oh, fuck.

I'm trying to.

What does con look like these days?

Yep, Bobby, voting.

The most American process there is.

You mean besides having gay sex?

Yes, besides what?

No.

Not besides having sex.

Let the boy have gay sex, Hank.

Yeah, yeah.

Ooh, let my boy have gay sex.

If the boy wants to have gay sex, he can have gay sex.

Come on, Bobby.

Stupid red hair.

Gay sex and voting board.

Bill's not

No, no.

Why not?

Bill's not a Bernie, bro.

Bill's so pathetic and sad.

Just like you?

Yeah, Bill wouldn't vote.

Bill doesn't vote.

He'd be too afraid to vote.

Nah, Bill wouldn't.

Bill wouldn't order for Trump, dude.

Bill's a Trump voter.

Yeah, I guess that this show is about Trump voters.

Yeah, Republicans.

Fucking fucking Trump voters, dude.

I can't stand them.

Especially not here in my New York apartment, where I know how everyone in the world thinks.

Here I am in my New York apartment, more in touch with everyone.

Yeah, yeah.

It is so funny.

It's like from my Twitter feed, you'd think Alexandria Okasha Gortez is just going to be president.

Yeah.

It's like,

I mean, and I think she's been doing good ass shit.

She's my bitch, but.

I mean, it was an.

It was literally just one person did a stupid tweet, and then everyone was acting like all the conservatives were mad at her for dancing.

I don't know, know, dude.

All that shit happens.

Once one of the things that I'm doing.

You would fucking own if Louis C.K.

uploaded a video of him doing that dance.

That would be awesome.

That would be the funniest fucking thing that can possibly happen right now.

Doing the breakfast.

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever.

I didn't see the video.

But if Louis just uploaded that video and tweeted it out,

like trying to get Curry favor with people.

Oh, like trying to be cool.

That would be so goddamn funny.

It would be awesome.

Yeah, all Twitter is, is just someone says something really dumb, and that is, everyone acts like a bunch of

people.

Yeah.

Most people don't even use Twitter, right?

Like, statistically.

No, no, it does, yeah.

It's like what?

It's a dying company.

How many people?

Like...

Six, five percent?

It's not a dying company.

One million people probably are on Twitter.

No, there's more than that.

Look, all these companies are going to de-platform their way out of business.

In two years, they're going to be de-platforming people that aren't even remotely associated with.

I don't know.

How does any website make money that's not ads?

Yeah.

Ads and selling data and shit.

Yeah, that's it.

Data is, from what I heard on the subway, the new oil.

It's the new oil, huh?

Yeah.

Dude, imagine the asshole saying that.

Data is the new oil oil.

Thinking he's so deep.

You could literally give a TED Talk, and that could do the name.

Yeah.

I got a guy named Ted you can talk to.

Yeah.

You heard of TED Talks, but here's about the TIP Talk.

Why don't we get all the bitches in the room up to the front?

And we'll let you talk to my TikTok.

Now, before I begin, begin, just the guy with the headset on.

You could ask every dumb bitch in the room.

Let's get the bitches up here.

Let's get all the pussy up to the front.

Why don't you lean into my penis?

If you understand my drift.

Oh, fuck.

Damn.

Yo, did you see speak?

We talked about R.

Kelly during the ad, but R.

Kelly, someone asked him, like, if he had ever heard of Dave Chappelle.

No, they asked him, they asked him to, like, respond to, like, well, you know, it's been, people have accused you of this in the past.

Like, you know, do you know, you know, on Chappelle's show, they had a sketch, and he's like,

he's like, who?

He's like, Dave Chappelle.

He's like,

he's like, you know, a very famous comedian.

He just acted like he had never heard of Dave Chappelle.

That is so fucking funny, dude.

DMX, when they were asking about Obama,

what, he had no,

like, it was was running for president the first time, and they're like, So, DMX, like, what do you think about Barack Obama?

He's like, He's like, Well, I don't know what the fuck that is.

He's like, No, this guy, like, running for president, he's a black guy.

He's like, He's like, Who the fuck is gonna vote for some guy named Barack Obama?

That's funny.

He's like, His name's is kind of dumb name.

But I believe DMX maybe did not know what to do.

No, I knew this guy was.

I knew this guy

knew who Dave Chappelle was.

Yeah, R.

Kelly was fake.

Yeah.

That's such a good move.

Yeah, no, I knew a guy that was like

It was like two months before the election and in 08

Yeah, and he fucking

He didn't text me.

It was just it was this other comedian's like dumbass roommate from New Jersey the guy you know that story about Somebody was diddling themselves in the corner.

Well, yeah, so it was that guy

that fucking guy Like texted my friend and it's a picture she's texting him a picture of like a bumper sticker or whatever

An Obama bumper sticker and he's like yo look at this some guy running for fucking like governor or some shit his name's obama

his name fucking bama

like the yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

like

yeah my friend's like so awesome yeah he's uh like all like september 2008 yeah like the idea that you would not have that would not have cross come across your desk at all like

that rules dude yeah

that guy sold beer for the redskins hell yeah yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Best job in the world.

Well, that's what he would tell you.

But he would always just be on the couch playing like Phantasy Star Online.

He'd be like, wait, just say, like, he was dark.

You would go over to that apartment and the lights would be off.

Hell yes.

And he would be like playing Phantasy Star Online on some giant TV on the couch.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Now, all he did was, you mean he was like a concessions guy?

Yeah, well, he'd be like,

I'd be like, what do you do for work?

He's like, I sell beer for the Redskins kid.

And it's like, but like, when?

Yeah, yeah.

He was from Jersey, I think.

Yeah.

So just Sundays?

Call everybody kid.

That's a Boston thing.

Yeah, well, he was from Jersey and he would call people Kid.

I don't know what to tell you.

He also had one of those

long dyed goatees, those long bleach goatees.

Yeah.

He was very much like a 1998 guy.

That whole crew was all guys that were like probably.

They liked American chocolate.

They're all 10 years older than me, so they're

40-year-olds now.

So in 2004, five, whenever this was, they were like...

Oakleys around the back of their necks.

They were

Yeah, they were in their probably like mid to late 20s, I guess, back then.

Yeah.

Yeah, so if I was like 17, 18, yeah, they were probably like 27, 28.

Which means in, yeah, like in the late 90s was their

heyday.

This is my look.

This is my shit.

And it's funny because I'm still friends with some of these guys.

Like, it's like you see andy klein and andy klein was like like in 1998 he's like oh this is what i look like and then he just continued that way yeah yeah yeah those guys like still just have at least andy's got the like you know he's just wears he keeps it like low-key yeah it ages well his his 90s look well he didn't go crazy with it right right right yeah i mean the guys that are like

fucking you know the proto Lewis Gomez fan.

Right, yes, yes, yes.

Which did evolve a little bit.

Anthrax.

looking like anthrax.

Yeah, yeah.

It did evolve a little bit.

Like, you still go, you still go fat guy skate shoes, but now instead of, yeah, now instead of like camo shorts or cargo shorts, it's uh like Stewie Griffin pajama bottoms.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You know, and then like the

right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instead of like Adidas Gazelles, it's you like they went to uh, I don't know, like uh Doc Martin's, maybe, but yeah.

So this is this is the, I found it, the,

or the DMX thing, it's even better than I remember.

Question: Barack Obama, yeah.

Answer.

Barack?

Question: Barack.

Answer.

What the fuck is a Barack?

And question.

When was this interview?

2008, when he was running for president.

What month?

March 18th.

So the break

was there.

Well, and who said this?

What's his name?

DMX.

Got him.

I got got him.

I bet him.

Answer.

Yeah, his dad's from Kenya.

Answer.

Barack Obama?

Question, yeah.

Answer.

What the fuck?

That ain't no fucking name, yo.

Th th that ain't that all right.

That ain't that N-word's name.

You can't be serious.

Barack Obama, get the fuck out of here.

Question.

You're telling me you haven't heard of of him before?

Answer.

I I ain't really paying much attention.

Question, I mean, it's uh pretty big if a black and then dot dot dot dot answer.

Wow, Barack.

That N-word's name is Barack.

Barack question mark?

N-word named Barack Obama?

What the fuck?

Adam, if you're going to read the interview, please read the interview.

Just read the interview, dude.

You brought this up.

You brought this up.

Please read it verbatim or don't read it at all.

I'm not going to say it.

Adam?

Let me just read it.

Well, then, no, either read it or don't, man.

Are you going to say it?

I'm going to stop.

Okay, thank you.

Or you don't have to stop.

You could keep going, but you know the stipulations.

Well,

she'd make a decision.

Well, it is pretty funny if you guys want to come.

Make a decision.

Okay, well, fine.

That's fine.

You should.

Anyway, uh.

Anyway, it's very funny.

You shouldn't want to read the interview?

You can start over, but you have to do what we said.

Oh, I would love to, but

I think they have sex with each other.

Nice.

Nah, you should do it in your normal voice.

In my normal voice.

Because if I do it in an accent,

do it as DMX.

If I do it in a black set and say the other word, that's even more offensive.

It's not offensive.

You're reading.

It's the public record.

Yeah.

It's the public record.

Say it like a newscaster.

Say it as a newscaster.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

well, shooting outside of a nightclub last weekend.

Last week.

Yeah, what do you mean a newscaster has to say it?

Like,

what the fuck are you talking about?

Folks, if you're triggered by these words, we ask you to turn away now.

Please ask your children to leave the room.

But as a newscaster, I am legally obliged to say these words.

Like, Adam, name one scenario where they have to say it.

No, no, no.

Just, no, no, no.

This isn't a research thing.

Theoretically, what would it be?

One of the greatest videos of all time is that, like, high school teacher tripling,

tripling down on the soft A, hard R.

That was all.

He's got charts and shit.

The real Walter White, dude.

That guy ruled, man.

Yeah.

Oh, that guy was so.

Yeah, he's like, he doesn't even dispute it.

So I said to him, pick up the pencil.

This news reporter says N-word on live TV

in parentheses, not for younger viewers.

It is a word that evokes many emotions in people.

It's a derogatory racial remark that has divided people for many years.

And a Jefferson County high school teacher has now received the longest suspension on record for calling a student the N-word.

UHAS Levins defender Renee Murphy investigates what happened and why in this story you'll only see on 11.

Valley Traditional High School is in the middle of a racial controversy right now.

A teacher

used the N-word towards a student.

The word is only six letters long, but the impact is far-reaching.

And we do want to warn you that some of the language in this story is strong, and it may offend you.

It may offend some other people.

At least 12 letters.

By the way, Adam, this woman has not said the N-word one.

I'm leaving it in the story for you to decide.

What the fuck are you talking about?

And what did he say specifically to you?

Sit down, nigga.

Keyshawn Chavers is a freshman at Valley High School, a Boy Scout, a football player, a member of the ROTC, an honor roll student.

Hell yes.

He was hanging around his teacher's classroom door in December.

The teacher told him to sit down.

And the teacher says that Keyshawn used to sweater, mustache, aviator.

And I just kind of was stunned a second.

Well, then

get away from the door, nigga.

I was just the line.

I repeated the same insult because that's sort of what I've been trained to do.

No, it's not.

So I called him a cunt, a cock-sucking faggot.

I love that, like, fucking arrested development shit on there.

It's like, you know, that's sort of what I've been trained to do.

The school district said it was not what he was trained to do.

He tried to say I said it, and for some, and I didn't say it.

Oh, the kid didn't even say it.

I said it because I didn't.

Documents from the school investigation show that several of the students interviewed from Valley did not hear Keyshawn say the N-word first.

Dawson says that students use

the slang version of the N-word at Valley High School all the time.

He says N-I-G-G-E-R is a racial slur, but says that students use N-I-G-G-A as often as they say dude or hey, man.

And Dawson says, as much as he does not like the word, he still use the slang version to feel more comfortable

with black students it hurt me why why is this word used so frequently so

so true i just i just don't understand it this is this is and that's why i this is ian is a teacher a hundred percent dude you know if yes

oh my god you nailed it

the second he is in a classroom just like i thought look they're all saying it.

You know,

in a classroom, we're supposed to all be on the same page.

I'm supposed to, it would be supremacist if I didn't say it.

If I made them feel like I was like a different, using a different language than them.

It's an English class.

These are English words.

Mr.

Finance was teaching kindergarten.

Mr.

Finance was suspended for having gay sex in the bathroom.

For the transaction.

Yeah, Mr.

Finance was teaching

kindergarten ceramics to white children.

I could have sworn I heard him say it.

I think I did anyway.

They were saying it amongst themselves.

I'm pretty sure.

I saw some looks in there.

They said it with their eyes.

You guys are actually big.

God damn.

it.

Oh, good.

You breaking something over there?

And my dick kept getting hard.

But his dick was too small to get hard.

And that is the story of Adam Friedland.

But Adam was already having gay sex.

What they didn't know was that Adam was already having gay sex.

But what they weren't aware of was that Adam was already having gay sex.

Unfortunately for the family involved, Adam had already had.

gay sex.

But by the time the police arrived at the scene, Adam had already had gay sex.

Yeah, someone sent me this picture and they said this is Ian.

Oh yeah, that's good stuff, baby.

It is good stuff.

That's the alien from

family, the American Dad with Nigel Thornberry's face on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it is.

And that is who Ian is, actually.

But by the time Adam saw the meme, he had already had gay sex.

Gay sex.

Enough gay sex to last a lifetime.

And now Adam leaving the mound, looking towards the heavens,

probably asking some deceased relative forgiveness for all of that atrocious gay sex you just had.

Damn.

Ah, boys.

What's wrong with

being queer?

No one said there's anything wrong with it.

Why do you assume there is?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't know the whole story.

I just watched that movie American Beauty last night.

Oh, I've seen that movie.

Yeah.

I was surprised.

I thought it was going to be two hours of

still shadow your mom's pussy.

Yeah, well, it's a real American beauty.

That pussy hole.

She's an immigrant.

Yeah, well, she came here.

Look, I happen to believe that once you you step foot on this soil, that your pussy's American at least.

Pussy belongs to the red,

free.

And I'm proud to be an American.

Look, you want to come to this street?

I don't get to fuck anyone.

I won't.

But you do got to pay the pussy tax.

Uncle Sam collects 100

Uncle Slam.

Uncle Slam.

And he fucks all the women.

He just jams his stilts into the shit.

He walks up to the second-story bedroom window and fucks your wife from outside

Uncle Slam, baby.

Uncle Slam.

Getting the pussy tax.

No, did he draw it?

I hope he did.

It was on his Twitter.

I don't think that's going to.

Oh, shit, dude.

Who framed Roger Rabbit 2?

What are you talking about?

They're making a sequel.

How'd they they get it to write some

classic cartoons?

I don't know.

That's going to suck.

A little bit of a dick.

He's making, like, there's like slats.

Like, the wall is just like slats, right?

So you can stick something through the wall.

Wait, no, they're not.

This is fan fiction.

Sorry.

Okay.

I'm reading fan fiction again.

Nick?

Nick, are you reading fan fiction?

Holy shit, dude.

They're making a sequel to Pocahontas where she meets Luke Scottwater.

Dude, it's crazy.

They're making a little mermaid where Sebastian and the Flounder suck each other's cocks.

Malfoy and Harry Potter fuck each other.

Sabisginov.

Sebit Ginov.

Sebastian.

That is correct.

Ladies and gentlemen, Johan Sabisginov.

Show everyone that cool thing you were doing, the your phone earlier.

What are you talking about?

Oh, yeah, the Italian Google Translate.

I think people really like that.

They will.

Mm-hmm.

Damn, I'm gay.

So, Nick hacked Google Translate.

I didn't.

Why don't you talk about something else you got a type on?

In the interim, I want to remind you guys that I will be on tour this weekend, tomorrow, in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

Pittsburgh the 11th.

It's about to sell out.

Buy your tickets now if it hasn't.

I couldn't add a second show.

Sorry, I'll be be back.

Buffalo, though, still plenty of tickets on the 12th.

And Mopco, and then the 13th and Schenectady.

Stavi.biz/slash tour, or just look at my Twitter or Instagram.

I'll also be in Phoenix on the 19th.

Let's buy more tickets to that, you fucking sluts.

Tucson on the 20th.

And then also

Hartford on the 24th.

Delaware on the 25th.

Actually, Ian might come with me in Delaware.

So, yeah, we were all saying it.

He'll be saying the N-word.

And then I'm in San Diego on the 27th.

Those tickets are selling fast.

And then Los Angeles

on the 2nd.

Second show added.

Come out to that, you fucking sluts.

Please, actually, I'm sorry for calling you sluts.

Although, I'm not.

I want you to.

We're sex positive around here.

And then also, we have funny moms on the what is it?

Yeah,

you just make Google Translate read things in an Italian voice.

That is awesome.

Yeah.

You are welcome, Don.

What else we got?

Yeah, type up another beauty there for us, Nick.

We also have funny moms on the 14th and the 28th of January.

Come out to those.

And tickets are not on sale yet, but we're going to work on that.

All three of the boys will be in D.C.

on the 30th

of March.

March 30th, part of the D.C.

Underground Comedy Festival with the Black Cat.

We're doing a stand-up show and a live podcast.

Buy tickets to one, buy tickets to both.

You'll have a nice time.

We guarantee it.

If you suck my dick, I'm Richard Dickson,

and I work for Men's Warehouse, and I'm Ryan Trott.

It's not this, I'm award.

If it's not a darit rachist,

what is that?

That one's failed.

Trying to explain the difference between these two.

No.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I guess with the Italian voice, reads it.

It's like pizza, pizza.

Okay, folks, welcome to the.

Welcome to

the.

Fuck, what?

You're right.

Keep going.

What's the thing called?

Yep.

A something group.

The group.

No.

Folks, hello.

Welcome to the focus group.

What we're doing is rebranding a certain pizza neighborhood.

Pizza restaurant.

At Lil'Caesars, they have two.

Here's the first one.

We got a lot of different options here.

Okay, so

it's an Italian.

We're going to do options one, two, or three.

Now, which one?

Keep an open mind.

Yeah.

And just whatever gut reaction.

What do you like the best?

Yeah.

Now, we just want you to not really think too much about it.

Just go with what's instinctual.

If you like the original, you can just say that.

But let's go ahead and try it out here.

This is

everybody ready?

This is Little Caesar's promo slogan: options one, two, and three.

Uno, pizza, pizza.

Due, mama, mia.

Tre nigga nigger.

What was that?

Wow, swim.

it's you know, just pick the one you want.

Okay,

I'm sorry, I must have heard you wrong.

Could you play those?

Yeah, we'll play them again here.

Let's just get the tape, but you know, I don't think, you know, just whatever you heard.

Yeah, so um, okay.

I mean, I like the first one.

Please, we'll play it again.

Don't jump to any conclusions.

It takes a very long time.

It takes a very long time.

I mean, it's not easy to make the tape rewind

one pizza pizza two mama mia three nigga nigger so oh okay that is what I thought of that

okay thanks for coming to the focus group everybody

what I thought you know

everyone's doing stuff uh-huh and we also got Papa John's

um

yeah we have Papa John's yep

all right

Here's one we're workshopping here at Papa John's.

Yeah.

Damn, I want to fuck that woman.

Yeah, that computer Italian woman.

Yo, that bitch is on fucking lean.

No, slow it down, dude.

my dick.

I don't know why I got it.

Hell yeah, dude.

DJ screw.

Yeah, yeah.

Chopped and screwed.

I want to fuck an Italian bitch on lean.

Maker says, Stava, you penis, and that's so small.

Damn.

I'm one in Italian.

My pussy is wide open for business.

My pussy is wide open

for business.

Make her say stop, your dick's not so small.

No,

no, not that.

Don't make her say that.

Stabby, your dick is malbat.

My pussy is tight.

Hey, I'll take it.

Stabby, your dick is malbat.

My pussy is tight.

Dude, honestly, I'll take that.

Where's that sound right now?

I think at the bottom.

Nick is Malbat, my pussy is tight.

You guys talk for a second.

I'm going to put some

more in the kitchen here.

Just fire those up, dude.

Load the cannon up with those.

Nick will also be in Chicago.

We don't know when.

March 3rd.

March 3rd at the Lincoln Lodge.

If you saw me there, go see my boy Nicholas.

He's going to lay it down.

He's going to suck you off.

He will personally give you head.

Adam Well, this is is the first time you've been back since the new year.

Do you have any resolutions, my friend?

Yeah, I want to get more in touch with my spiritual side.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Like what?

Like Eastern religion, Buddhism.

That's enough.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Titty fuck me, Babby.

Like you drink to Zet Maija pregnant.

Alright, that one's all fucked up.

God damn it.

It's sounding good.

Titty fuck me?

It's titty fuck me, baby, like you're trying to get my jaw pregnant.

Rape my chest like a child's ass.

Yeah.

Well, I am a TV writer.

I do.

I did write for

six seasons of HBO's rape street.

David Simon's rape street.

Cleveland.

Cleveland.

Chinese people.

The underground rape scene of Cleveland by David Simon.

Did anybody ever watch Treme?

No, it's not good.

I watched the porn one.

What?

It's just black people playing clarinet.

No, thanks.

Just a bunch of stinky.

A bunch of sweaty

swamp boys playing clarinet.

No, thank you.

I'm all set on that.

I'm all set on that.

I'm all good.

I'll go back to watching Dr.

Johnny.

Get back in here.

Make the Italian girl say she wants to suck my dick.

Excuse me, Johnny.

Work the computer for Papa.

I want to hear the Italian girl say she wanted to suck my dick.

David Simon suck my idea.

Oh, speaking of end bombs, remember when David Simon dropped that on Twitter?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was so funny.

And basically, he's the same defense as

yeah, but you know, then he like dressed it all up in like nerd English major bullshit.

He's like, uh, the interoperative nigga is

quite, it's reflexively adaptive to the

adjectorial,

you dropped an n-bomb like a fucking idiot yeah

not like me who refused to read that r kelly quote you've said it before when have i ever said it not to you all the time dude

that last when when those um when we were hanging out your house and those little kids those little black kids tried to sell you candy bars

all the the things you said you said it a bunch when they came

that was weird

You've never said it when one hasn't been inside of you.

Don't kink shame.

My kinkshame is saying the n-word.

It's not Adam's move.

It's not Adam's mooth.

You You heard it here first, folks.

All right.

Well, folks, you've basically seen what the future of this show is going to be.

This is probably going to be us for, what, another six months just doing this, I think?

There's nothing.

We can never be as funny as an Italian bitch saying stuff like that.

So

that's going to do it for us.

Do we have a second read?

No.

Well.

That's going to do it for us, folks.

Thank you.

Come see me this weekend.

I'll suck you off.

come see me next weekend if you're in phoenix and uh later if you're in la

bye

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