Ep. 136 – My big fat ass huge ass life

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Um,

we're uh this is good.

We're good.

Are we good?

We're good.

Penis, check, papa, penis, papa penis.

Well,

I had the flu, Stav had the flu.

So I had a wild stomach problem.

But we've we've we did it, dude.

I was I was straight shitting my britches for a full 24 hours.

I don't understand why you need I used to be pro

getting the flu shot, but

yeah, I guess I haven't gotten it.

Yeah.

You know what?

I don't trust it, man.

Now that I think about it, I have never gotten a flu shot.

I got it once, one time, because the ladies just pressured me into it.

I thought I did once, but I've never done it.

Yeah.

I've never done it once.

I'm not against it.

I'm for it in theory, but I have to.

Like, you know, not speeding through a school zone.

Isn't that bad?

If we don't get it, isn't that bad?

Someone's...

I've heard the phrase herd immunity, and I don't know if that means anything.

Hurts immunity?

Herd, herd, herd.

Like, if more people get it.

You're supposed to get the flu shot not to protect you, but to protect some old bitch

from dying.

Yes.

Somebody's grandma.

You know what I'm thinking, though?

Get the fuck out of here.

Here's the thing.

If I have to get a flu shot to protect some old bitch, we take away people's driver's licenses at age 60.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm not that kind of herd.

100%.

Where if I get pricked in my arm, you're not allowed to fucking run over a field trip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A black child doesn't get their fucking, doesn't get crashed by a Buick.

Yeah, right.

So that I think that's the only way I'll do it.

Yeah.

I want some old bitch with cataracts on the bottom.

Fucking Pontiac Bonneville just like to

cruise right through a fucking state fair.

Is this the way that my grandson's out?

Hopefully someone sneezes on that woman before

they let her renew her driver's license by mail.

Honestly, all these old people,

they're the ones voting for Trump and shit.

Honestly, yeah.

You know what?

If you got the flu, that's how we get out of here.

Go out and find.

Go find where old people live and start sneezing in their mailbox.

The second you get the flu, go hit up a bingo hall.

Right.

And let's get this.

Let's fucking flip these numbers, baby.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Let's get motherfucking Bernie in here 2020.

You know, although apparently he's sexist, isn't that right?

Yeah, I just rushed.

You just now figured that out, Stefan.

Yeah.

We've got Abby Rosenquist in the mix.

Adam is,

where is Adam?

Oh, the gay sex convention.

I'm looking forward to stepping on bits in his honor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Already getting roasted.

Oh, you know what else is happening in Phoenix?

The Star Ross Halkis will be doing stand-up there

in January fuck 18th.

I should really know this.

I'm worried about this shit selling, actually.

Phoenix, what a white trash name for a city.

Phoenix?

Calling it Firefly

It's the only state with a step dance.

Yeah, dude.

Fucking Trans Am

New Mexico.

Oh, I'll be in Phoenix on the 19th, so please come out to that.

And then Pittsburgh on the 11th, Buffalo on the 12th.

Anyway, I'll do more plugs later, but those are the ones I'm worried about selling.

So please buy your tickets.

But I'm excited.

People say Phoenix, you know, it's trashy, the old ladies with big fake tits.

Maybe I'll get sucked off by a distance.

Yeah, Arizona is trashy as shit, but it's like so far away that no one cares.

So you meet people from Arizona.

They're like, well, I'm from Arizona.

So you know what that means.

It's like, no, I don't.

Shut up.

I don't care.

It's not Florida.

I don't care.

I'm sure it's the same exact thing as Florida.

Florida did it first.

You're from a fucking just garbage desert.

Yep.

Should have stayed a desert.

At least Florida has

Miami.

You know what I'm saying?

Your family relocated there to be cool or something.

I'm not sure what.

Yeah, it's a real, I don't understand the appeal.

I I guess it's hot, but it's like people golfing there.

Are you talking about Arizona still?

Yeah, it's a dry heat.

I guess that's what the appeal is.

Oh, really?

I think so.

Interesting.

It was entirely founded by people.

That's why we stole it from Mexico.

We need this shit for our fucking sickly motherfucker.

The desert's about secrets.

That's why America has a desert.

Keep all of her military secrets out there.

True.

The Indians.

Yep.

You know, we aliens.

We can go there.

Aliens.

If aliens.

Okay.

Wouldn't Trump have popped off about aliens yet?

They wouldn't tell him.

The president doesn't know about it.

The president doesn't know?

No.

The president's not briefed on everything.

Obama probably knew.

No.

Didn't you see Independence Day?

You're right.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

He's not.

They're like, sir, that's not technically correct.

Do you think that flashing light was really a power plant, dude?

You know what I'm saying?

I mean,

Queens?

Dude, that shit was cool.

Or was it the fucking aliens, dude?

That shit was awesome.

It was cool.

The sky was blue as fuck.

Were you here?

You saw it.

I saw it.

I thought I was like, oh, we're dying.

He was in a story.

I was in a story.

It was like, and I thought it was like something exploded because it's like, because from where I was, it was on the ground.

I mean, something exploded.

Yeah, it did.

You're right.

But you know what I mean?

Just to be clear.

Did you hear it?

It was an explosion.

Yeah.

No, it didn't hear.

It didn't sound like anything.

But I mean, I guess, because everyone else thought it was coming from the sky, because I guess it was like, whatever.

I don't understand.

I know it's work or whatever.

But

I could see the like it coming from the ground.

Like, it was like I saw where it was coming from because I was in Astoria, and I was like, oh, we're fucked.

I was like, I'm good.

Oh, yeah, that's because the aliens are underground now and they're coming up from underneath.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Is that what happened in War of the Worlds?

Where were they?

Were they coming from?

No, there was a worm.

Where's that worms movie?

Tremors.

Tremors.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I never saw that.

Oh, Tremors is good.

Okay.

Yeah.

We were just watching, honestly, one of the best pieces of fucking media I've ever seen in my life.

Which one?

Yeah, it was that.

Just for those playing along at home, a fucking generator exploded in the story.

Right, and the sky got blue as well.

The entire city, yeah, the sky was like

blue, like a vibrating blue.

Yeah.

It looked like

the blue raspberry airheads.

A bunch of kids got turned into gas.

Did you like signs?

I feel like it's a divisive movie.

Some people really don't like it.

I saw it in high school when there was like some weird testing day where they like show a movie instead of do work.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, so you liked it because it wasn't work?

So yeah, I just remember being like, whatever, that was fine.

But I don't remember having an opinion.

I thought Signs was dumb, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I loved Signs.

I loved it.

Fuck a dumb bitch.

People say the new M-Night shit was good.

The one with,

ah, fuck, what the fuck is that guy's name?

A new, new one?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, if it had been a good M-Night Shyamalan movie, there would have been something where you think it's aliens the whole time and then it's not aliens, whatever, whatever's causing those crop circles.

And that's what he's good at.

But then there's movies where he just like phones it in where it's like crop circles.

What could the, yeah, it's aliens.

And the twist is they're allergic to water.

Yeah.

I mean, it was like, you know, I don't know, maybe he had like a three-movie deal or something.

Yeah.

I don't think, okay, the overall movie was stupid, okay?

Like, I get that the idea of water being what kills them is stupid, but there were good moments.

Like, there were good jump moments in it.

Sure, but you can put jump scares in fucking anything.

I mean, there's like,

I'm not judging it based on that metric.

I mean, like, I'm not going to, like, complain about, like, Oculus and say, like, oh, I was stupid, a spooky mirror.

And it's like, no, you know, there's jump scares and stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's a movie made by Oculus.

It's a movie made by WWE.

I'm not exactly saying that.

Dude, I saw Mandy.

That shit is so good.

Yeah.

You got to see that shit.

And I also re-watched, we won't talk about it since you haven't seen it, but it was like so fucking.

I loved Mandy so much.

Also, also Ran Back fucking.

Thor Ragnarok.

No, I did that.

No, no, no.

I just watched that.

Every week.

For Christmas?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, Ran Back True Romance.

That's a fucking banger.

I don't know if that'll hold up.

It doesn't hold up as much because when I saw it, I was like 16, and I was like, damn, this is the best movie I've watched.

I love that movie.

But it is so entertaining.

Like, that movie has like six scenes in it that would be the big scene.

I fucking loved that movie.

When I was like 16, 17.

I was like, this is the best.

I literally pitched it to Eldis, and we were all watching it.

I was like, damn, I want a prostitute girlfriend.

Yeah, me too.

I still kind of do.

Yeah, the other good prostitute girlfriend movie, Leaving Las Vegas.

I haven't seen that one.

Oh, you haven't?

No.

Here's a good double feature: Leaving Las Vegas and Love Liza.

I've probably recommended that on the show before.

Okay.

So, you know, there's going to be plenty of like,

Nick already said those two names.

What the fuck?

What the fuck, man?

This is fucking lazy shit.

You get $40 million a day

to say two movies twice.

The other shit that I watched was there was this Tom Cruise.

Did I talk about this already?

How there was a Tom Cruise movie in the late 80s that was a fantasy epic that was directed by Ridley Scott?

And it was called Legend or some shit.

And it was like,

and Tim Curry played like this demonic guy.

Tim Curry actually,

yeah, it sucked, it was bad, but it was like, but there's apparently some like theatrical or there's some director's cuts like two and a half hours long.

Tim Curry always looks like he's watching child pornography,

like they're playing child pornography just behind the camera in every scene.

That's how they get him when he's take his little penis out.

Yes, keep going.

Oh, you're supposed to be a hotel bellhop.

Yeah, it looks like he's ordering someone to fuck a child on his behalf and enjoying it.

Marry gold.

God, he fucking rules, man.

But yeah, it was, there were like, you could cut like a 20-minute version of it, or like, you could cut like a short-ass little snippet of this movie and think it was the greatest movie of all time, but it sucked.

Yeah, yeah, it was really visually cool, though.

Tim Curry's like devil character rocked.

I've been skitting high and watching like fucking just really low-budget action movies.

That was my shit.

When I was 20, there were so many just terrible action movies that I saw.

Yes, hell yes.

Yeah, yeah.

There's one I can't find.

Here's the thing: here's a bounty.

I will pay literally $100 to anyone who can find me a copy of Death Ring.

If you can find me a copy of Death Ring, it was a straight-to-video action movie.

Okay.

And the box art, it says McQueen, Norris, Swayze.

Yes.

And it's fucking like...

Oh, yeah.

I think you said this one.

Richard McQueen

Chad Norris and Don Swayze.

That rules, man.

Good for them.

Billy Drago is in it, though.

And it's just the most dangerous game.

But shittier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Actually, the best of all of the most dangerous game derivatives is Surviving Surviving the Game.

If you've never seen that,

it's Ice T is a homeless black guy that gets kidnapped by like Charles S.

Dutton.

Hell yeah.

Fucking Gary Busey,

Rucker Hauer.

Okay.

And then, who's the name of that actor?

I always forget.

It's the older doctor from Scrubs.

Oh, I don't know his name, but yeah, I know you.

F.

Marie Abraham's in it, too.

Hell yeah.

That's a nice cast.

Yeah, it is.

And they all just hunt

Iced.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

He's where the fucking blonde ladies with big fake asses and tits are.

Yo, have you seen his child, by the way?

So this kid is half cocoa, half iced tea in theory.

It looks exact.

It's a little girl with exactly iced tea's face.

Exactly.

It is the most unfortunate genetic.

Every time there's a man that looks like that, their daughter always looks exactly like him.

It looks like a creepy doll figurine of iced tea.

It's fucked up.

I feel bad for the girl.

Hopefully, she's rich as fuck.

She'll probably grow up.

She just keeps getting to try to get her cast in SVU as a victim.

And they're like, we just, we need to be believable.

So I'm sorry.

We need to think someone would actually rape this child.

I'm looking at it now.

Dude, tell me it does not look, she does not look like I'm kidding.

I mean, it does.

If you just show me this kid, I wouldn't be like, that's Iced T's kid.

Dude, but this is an ugly fucking kid.

Look at her next to him.

This is an ugly ass child.

Oh, no.

Look at her next to Coco.

She just looks so tired.

No, it's like the tea.

It's in the smile.

It's in that iced tea, weird, toothy smile.

And it's like she'll be posing next to Coco, and it's like, mommy and daughter.

And it's just like, it looks so weird.

But she's also so like

chemically, fakely blonde and blue-eyed.

Right, right.

And it's just like, what your actual daughter looks like just looks like iced tea.

Wasn't there some guy who like sued his wife for getting plastic surgery?

Is that a

fun?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, never mind that.

Damn.

Was that real, though?

No, it's like a fake headphones.

I was going to say.

It looks real.

Oh, no.

Adam brought it out of the Adam.

Yeah, why the fuck do you think we had you on the show?

You need a replacement for Adam.

Adam's dumbass got tricked by a Facebook video.

Oh, God.

I was going to say, it didn't look real.

At least I thought that.

Did you also know that Obama was actually instituting Sharia law this year?

Wait, what?

Yeah, I put in a after the election, I photoshopped these articles that said Trump was bringing Sharia law, and I started posting it in those Facebook groups for anti-Obama stuff.

And I had this one lady that's like, if this is true, I feel completely betrayed.

I was wrong, and I feel betrayed.

I like that.

The open-minded woman.

Oh, my God.

She thinks Obama's a Muslim that's bringing in Sharia law, but she's like, well, this might be true also.

If Trump is bringing Sharia law, I feel they have turned their back on me.

She doesn't even know what Sharia law is.

Oh, none of them do, yeah.

Unlike me, that definitely knows.

Yeah,

yeah, can you explain it to me, Stop?

Yeah, it's like this.

I would like to go into it, but you know,

I'm kind of busy right now.

Otherwise, I definitely don't.

I'm just like shaking keys in front of me.

I'm kind of busy.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't think it's bad, though.

You don't.

I don't really know.

It It means clerics are judges and everything.

It's like

this is religious law.

Oh, I just thought it was like

a Muslim word that they picked up and say that they're going to like Sharia law is like a theocracy straight up, basically.

Yeah, at least as far as like the judicial aspects are concerned.

Is it good for women?

No.

Neither is the regular law.

Yeah, it's really good for women.

But that's deceptively not as bad, though.

I don't know.

I watched a very convincing Reza Aslan video that said sharia law is actually good

that to be scared of sharia law is ridiculous and the truth is that jesus actually invented pedophilia i believe that

there is a gap between

like in the bible where we don't know about what jesus is up to

for real there's like childhood and age 33 yeah yeah so it's like maybe

he was fucking fucking children

maybe that's why priests do it they get the extra secret parts of the Bible where they're like, and by the way, when Jesus was 26, he was fucking little kids, and that's how he got all his magic.

You got caught for the pedophilia.

You don't understand.

You haven't read all of the Bible.

Yeah, yeah.

What if it's like getting badges?

It's like Pokemon.

He gets different skills or whatever by whichever children he fucks.

Well, what are the different kinds of children that you would try to fuck?

Like a retarded kid is the one that he can walk on water.

You know?

or

let's see, what would bring him back to lunch?

Maybe an Asian kid?

Oh, well, how about a kid with leprosy and the patch won't stay on?

You just have to keep putting the patch back on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

It would fall completely off.

Yeah,

that's just, I'm kind of a working theory about

that.

You can come back with some more on that.

Go do some homework.

What do you think about that one, Nick?

I was, I got distracted by the time.

I remember I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription.

We closed at like eight.

Oh, make sure I do that.

What are you getting?

Little dick pills?

Lithium.

Close.

Oh, so your brain, little dick brain pills.

Your brain has a little penis.

You need these pills.

I ran it down to the...

I shouldn't have done that.

But then I was throwing up for two days, so I didn't say, I couldn't take it.

I don't know.

Yeah, what's the point?

Well, yeah, I guess, yeah, you're right.

I should just stop taking my medicine.

Yeah, fucking man, I want to die.

I mean, you can throw up any day, so really, what's the point of taking any medication for anything?

That's true.

We were watching.

We watched a couple TLC shows where

I got to get back into reality TV.

It's good stuff.

Because you realize at a certain point, it's like the point of reality TV is like the regular TV is supposed to be somewhat aspirational.

It's like, what if your life is this interesting?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And reality TV is like, at least you're not a trans fat sub.

Well, let's separate the shows we watched.

We started with jazz life with

the job

where they there's like a

Jewish trans girl who's like 17.

Well, the point of the show is that the family is Jewish.

They gave incredibly big TVs to huge.

Yeah, which is crazy.

I mean, good for her.

And she looks like you wouldn't guess, I don't think.

Like, they blocked her pants.

I know, she's kinda she's cute.

Yeah, she's cute.

And they're only going to give her a they're going to give her a pretty shallow pussy, according to the doctor.

Five inches.

I'm kind of interested in jazz.

You know what I mean?

Also, she's got all that money now from the show.

Oh, true.

Damn.

Okay.

So you got some competition.

I'm sure she's being hit up left and right.

Yeah, and she's also

a child.

Well, I'm sure she'll be 18 by the time.

It's never stopped your mother.

You can meet her.

Yes, it has.

It's never stopped.

All it's done is stop yourself.

The dad stepped in.

It's like, wait, do these times tables real quick, and then we can check and see if I'm going to smash.

But yeah, that's a good-ass show, man.

Just that young-ass trans girl.

But I got to say,

they have to be so crazy rich.

You can see the difference.

Of course.

You can see the difference in how rich her family is versus her, like, trans family.

Who doesn't look

quite as spot on yet?

As perfect

as she's supposed to get.

But I don't know.

How'd you get into the jazz?

Oh, I don't know.

I was bored the other night.

Put some on my new thing.

I was watching that show, and then

a lot of snooker.

What is snooker?

I don't know, really.

I mean, it's hard to figure out.

But just tell me in very broad terms.

Is it a game?

It's like a pool-ish type game.

It's a pool.

I mean, we kind of already went

in the real-ass podcast, but.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

It's like.

Hmm.

sorry.

Are you looking at crypto again?

No, I keep getting a bunch of

notifications on my phone from the New York Times, and all of them are interesting.

And also, yes, losing money.

A lot of things going off today.

I'm having a busy

snap afternoon.

Afternoon?

No, I got that feeling.

You know, when it's like there's something you were supposed to do?

Oh, yeah.

And you can't remember what it is, and you're like, I know I fucked myself by now.

Whatever the thing is, yeah, it's like, I'm fucked.

I'm fucked, and taxes, I don't know what's going to happen.

No, not yet, no, not yet, but there's something I was supposed to, yeah, just

fucking the shit.

That's how I've done all the holidays.

I was like, there's so much work I needed to be doing, yeah, and I was like, well, it's the fucking holiday, right, yeah, and I can't do anything now.

And now it's Jan, by the way, it's January 2nd, recording this on the day you'll probably hear it, probably, who knows?

But yeah, it's the first day that's not the holidays, and it's like, fuck, I have all this work I have to do.

Yeah.

I'm fat as shit, even by my standards.

Me and Elda stepped on the scale.

We're a pussy hair away from 300 bills.

Each.

Three bills.

You guys are the same-ish weight?

Yeah, but he's a good one.

Oh, that's really sweet.

You guys are such good friends.

Oh, my gosh.

He's also a full.

6'3 ⁇ .

Either way, he's much taller than me.

Like a whole two inches.

But yeah, I'm getting fat as shit, man.

That's the problem with the tracksuit lifestyle.

You never know how fat you're getting.

No, that's why you're supposed to wear tight clothes.

It sounds like a real gamble.

It is a gamble.

I'm taking a real gamble on my health.

Yeah.

And luckily, I get to blow off some steam by doing regular gambling.

You didn't get a second sandwich earlier, though.

I did.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

You'll get a second sandwich tomorrow.

You can bet on that.

Make sure the dog doesn't lick the couch.

Oh, yeah.

We stole the dog while Adam's at the gay sex convention in Phoenix.

Adam asked me to dog sit and didn't offer any money or to pay for the food for the dog.

I'm sure you'd pay for the food for the dog.

Pay for the food for the dog?

Yes, he'd ask me to buy food for the dog while he's at the dog.

No.

Seriously, make sure that dog's at the dog.

Can you take it to the vet?

He's like, hey, in this technical week, you're dog sitting.

So you should kind of pay for it.

No, that makes sense.

You get to hang out with the dog.

But yeah.

And like no instructions.

You can gamble on whether I'll get a second sandwich or not.

Oh, yeah.

At bet the si.com.

Look at this fat bitch trying to do the splits.

We're also currently watching my fabulous fat life.

Yeah.

My big fat fat ass life fat so style.

You're watching my fat fucking fat assumption.

How fucking long is this?

It's a two-hour show.

Yeah.

What the hell?

You can bet how long this show is at betthesi.com.

They got an award-winning mobile app.

You know, they've been in business over 20 years.

Yes.

Which, you know, some of you aren't even 20 years old.

So that means this website's life is worth looking at her.

Oh, fuck.

She's doing pretty well, but I can't tell where her bones are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like she could just be.

It's just her legs hanging down.

It's like

you, you know, been in business over 20 years.

I can't say enough because

Longer than you've been alive.

Longer than you've been alive.

So

if you haven't been around 20 years, you might as well kill yourself and tell them BetDSI made you think.

In the note, specifically make it clear that it clearly

that your family should sue betsi.com

because they said personally that you should kill yourself if you're not as old as betdsi.com.

They've been in the sports book.

They offer live in-game wagering.

They offer shit.

What is it called?

Odds on basically

just about everything.

Sports, politics, reality TV.

Pretty much everything.

Actually, that is one of the things.

It says reality TV.

So you could bet on it.

You could bet.

Oh, really?

Whether this big bitch turns fat or not.

What is the point of?

She doesn't even lose weight anymore.

No, she's just fat.

She's just fat.

She's sticking to me.

Watch this fat bitch continue to be fat and be annoying the whole time.

We already had fat bitch shows, but they would be like, this is the year I'm losing weight.

And then they would end with like, Krista died.

Christabel died in that apartment.

And she ate her way.

She tried to adopt a kid, or they were talking about it, but her BMI is too high.

And she's like, this is discrimination.

This is literally.

I can't wait until we're like having to read articles about how discriminatory doorways are.

Just like if the border at the wall is the first story.

they're like, there shouldn't be borders anywhere.

We should all be able to just roll around the streets.

It should be open.

No clothes are discrimination.

Buttons and zippers.

Yeah, that's discrimination, brother.

You can bet on how much this woman weighs at betdsi.com because they do offer shit on that.

And they offer live in-game wage rings.

You change your mind.

Change your mind about

how fucking fat she is.

You know, the Eagles are,

it's third and ten, and

bottom of the fourth.

Yep.

You know,

they're down by eight.

And you're like, you know what?

I want to change my bet to how soon that fat bitch is going to die.

You can do that.

Take all your money out of it.

Out of one bet.

Out of that.

That's what in game is.

Eagles, Broncos game.

Move it over to when is that fat bitch going to die?

That is literally what it means.

Yeah.

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But call their award-winning customer service first.

Oh, yeah, they got 24-7 customer service.

Two o'clock in the morning, you call them up, you go, yeah, I put a damn bet on that piggly bitch.

Come, I ain't see my mernie yet.

Where my damn Ernie

no one on earth says Mernie.

No, that's my name, man.

My name, Mernie.

I say money, but my name, Mernie.

Where am I Mernie at?

My name, Merny.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, but you know, my favorite thing is when people say, like, you know, in Independence Day, Will Smith says, Welcome to Earth.

Yeah.

It's like, you can watch it.

It clearly says Earth.

No issues.

It's like in memes.

Yeah.

It's been parodied where they say Earth in other movies and shit.

And it's like,

you are just so clearly being racist.

It's not even something you can lie about happening.

It's on fucking film.

Right.

I just choose to remember it as IRF.

So here's what we're going to be betting on this week.

Take the Ravens.

Of course.

Always take the Ravens.

Fuck the Chargers.

You motherfuckers, if you'd been taking the Ravens every time I told you to,

you'd be a fucking billionaire.

You'd be a fucking 20 million.

Okay.

Youngest motherfucking starting quarterback in the playoffs ever.

Lamar Jackson.

He's 12 years old.

12 years old.

He's one of the kids Jesus fucked to get his powers.

Salute.

Sorry, the bullying been taking place at your school.

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Let's start the show.

All right, doggy.

What do we got this week?

Coming up on Rape That Spic.

We figure out.

No, dude, I noticed this.

You can do rape jokes if it's about a Puerto Rican one.

No one likes him.

Jack at me because I can't.

Do they they beep out the N-words that he does?

Oh, okay.

What would be the point of even having him there?

Yeah, that's how you just insert beeps.

Oh, fuck.

It would be funny to like edit an episode of Real Ass Podcast, and anytime Zach speaks, just replace it with like an N-beep noise.

And then, you know, he's crushed.

People are laughing at it, but that's like literally his only contribution.

Beep.

Is everyone laughing at the N-word for an hour?

That's just all it is ever.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

She didn't used to be as fat.

Really?

Oh, I just got it.

She's got to be as fat.

I think you were a little bit more.

I mean, yeah, you start off as a baby.

That's a different woman next to her.

I know that.

Yeah.

Stop's learning the concept of two people.

I still don't quite have object permanence.

Is that two or three people?

Damn, dropping object permanence.

Oh, man.

My man got some psych 101 going on over here.

Yeah, dude.

I know a couple things.

Gestalt, right?

Gestalt closure.

She wasn't even, I mean, she was fat as shit, but she wasn't.

Well, she's still kind of proportionally fat.

You know what I mean?

But she looked fine there.

I mean, not fine, but you know what I mean.

Now she's like fatty shit.

But those pictures gave her the confidence to get even fat.

Yeah.

Wow, wow.

Wow, wow.

It'd be a fun article to write as like, when are we going to acknowledge black men's

contribution to the obesity episode?

Dude, that sounds like it's got its whole mullen written all over it.

It's partially their fault.

Yeah.

It is.

Yeah, she was borderline hot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would smash.

Look at this woman.

Got too strong by accident.

I like a strong woman.

Yeah.

Do you?

Sure.

Her will or little?

Whatever, man.

I've been thinking about this.

There's got to be strong women or skinny women that are very into a fatal experience.

This is so funny, dude.

Like, because it's their

punching bag action is.

Why would it be their problem?

Like, it's a pathology that they like.

Because people like to get fucked or fuck people they hate or something like that.

So if you hate fat people, they fuck you to make sure they hate it.

It's just only sexual experiences.

Because, you know, everyone is sad after they fuck you.

And like, every time they're like, there's a big mistake.

they're always like mad and they're like wow could I do this to myself I promised I'd stop and they leave and then so there's got to be one of them that's also strong

oh that's so funny it is not my only sexual well retarded women are strong right by definition so haven't you fucked a strong woman like a

who are strong retarded people oh yeah I've never I've never smashed the mentally disabled That story was not about me.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, there'd be a lot of people.

That's a story about Jake.

It's not about Jake, man.

Nobody figured it out.

People figured it out.

Damn, snitches get stitches, Nick.

I didn't snitch.

They figured it out.

Oh, fuck.

I'm not going to talk about it.

Is that going to make him bigger or less cool in the DSA?

Obviously, look, dude, fucking retards is like four years away from being like, we also have pussies

just because,

just because it's filled with candy

doesn't mean it's not a pussy.

So, you think in the future it'll be like how?

Just like a Wego woman,

just because my pussy is filled with tussy balls and

wall heads doesn't mean that it's not

the same thing about retarded girls, your pussies are tighter because it's filled with sour candy.

She got a bunch of sour patch kids in there to make motherfuckers.

That sounds scratchy as hell, though.

She may have a big pussy, but I just wrap my dick with fruit by the foot till it's tight as hell.

Who is this?

Look at this dick.

Exercise class for fat women.

Oh, no.

And one has cancer.

Yeah, all you do is just move your arms left and right.

Yeah.

This is hilarious.

This show sucks without buddy, dude.

I know what happened to him.

He should be here.

There's a fat cokehead that she used to be friends with, live with.

Yeah, they buddy.

Well, they end up married at the end of this season.

They do?

They get engaged or something.

What?

Yeah.

Spoilers, bro.

I read that online.

I didn't know that.

This show rules.

Damn.

Not as much as I am jazz, though.

Yeah.

I am jazz does rule.

Well, I guess.

Dude, I got to get back into HGTV, TLC.

This shit is like...

Reality TV is fucking great.

Now that I'm off social media, I need some kind of connection to that.

Something so stupid.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, you've been too.

You've got to get out of your ivory tower, man.

Everyone says that about you.

You're just up here reading fucking scholarly scripts.

I sit in my, I read, I play piani.

That's right.

There's a grand piano in here right now.

Yeah.

Yep.

And I don't, look, this one's.

Nick is actually sitting on top of it.

Not that one.

On all fours in a white.

Oh, yeah.

Jeez.

Yeah.

Maddie, dance student.

Damn.

I wish I could hear that voice.

We got this music.

I wish I could hear that voice.

Damn.

Wow.

Leslie Jones just got seven TV credits in 30 seconds.

She's nine different people in this room.

Yeah, so check out my big fat fucking life.

My big fat, fat ass, fucking fat bitch life.

She gets you engaged to buddy, dude, the Coke boy.

I think so.

Damn.

Maybe that kiss meant more than they thought originally.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

I remember

the article that I read that inspired me to do any of that Nicole shit, I think, was the uh, or it was at least early on.

Was that one?

Do you remember it?

It was an exojane about the white woman that went to yoga, and there was a fat black woman there, and it made her cry.

What?

Like, the fat woman just like was minding her own business, but she's like, none of this was designed for her body.

Are you kidding?

No, it was like the fucking, it was one of the funniest things she was mad that somebody theoretically could be too fat for yoga.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

that rules what a dumb bitch yoga honestly i i i used to do yoga at a point in my life and i felt great yeah i was good on the fat body

i don't know what it would be like on a fat body but i did enjoy it myself no the fat body's great because it's like i was flexible as but still fat and that's a funny thing to be that yeah that's a funny thing people aren't expecting that you know to be fat and be able to like kick your leg high as shit put your hands behind your back and stuff you know crazy flexible feats like that.

You can't find the article anymore.

It was titled, There Are No Black People in My Yoga Classes and I'm Suddenly Feeling Uncomfortable with It.

Oh my God.

Hell yeah.

Ooh.

By Jen Policek.

I suddenly feel bad not helping the black family I kicked out of the house I moved into.

Moving into their.

If only I could give them a partial scholarship for yoga while I displace them very far into Brooklyn where trains don't even run.

Let's start a program.

Yeah, let's shift them from where we made them move to back to where, back to their old neighborhood so they get to visit it and watch us do yoga in their studio.

You can't find the original article, but you can find this one.

It says, a public apology.

The piece that I wrote last week is deeply ignorant, insensitive, and self-centered, and I am entirely to blame for that.

I'm sorry.

Hell yes.

It's tricky for me to specify where I went wrong because as many have pointed with the title, probably.

Yeah, the whole asset, having the thought in the first place.

For starters, I projected my anxieties onto someone else and dehumanized her in the process.

I wish I could find the original because it was so fucking funny.

I was like, I watched her every move and tears began to run down my face as this big black bitch as this fat bitch used the fingers that were designed for eating fried chicken to do fucking baby pose.

Whatever, man.

Fuck that bitch.

I'm just appreciative that other white women make the bar so low.

Yeah, it's true.

So fucking fucking bad.

Do you feel like they're going to come for white women soon?

What do you mean?

They're slowly doing it.

They already have.

Who?

Who's going to come for white women?

Yeah, but by the way, they came for white men.

Who doesn't like...

I mean, you don't hear white women shit all the time.

Yeah.

The thing is, white men have the benefit of being able, like, you can still do the thing where you're like, oh, yeah, none of this shit means anything to me.

I'm not going to pay attention to it.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Like, white women don't really have the room to do that.

That's true.

That's true.

Yeah.

The world does treat you bad.

Because white women fucked up and they threw us under the bus.

We could have joined up, didn't we?

Oh, yeah, oh, big time, big time, yeah.

Yep,

don't come crying us,

but I didn't just don't, don't, don't forget that

I've been defending you guys all the time.

We didn't start the fire, that's what I said,

black bitches retards transgenders back in front,

grown men pretending to be little girls.

We didn't start the fire,

Leave white men alone.

We didn't do anything wrong.

We didn't start the fire.

Cat calling black woman in yoga class.

Gives white women race angst.

Yeah, and

no, there's plenty of white women shit.

In what way do you mean, just making jokes?

No.

That's it?

I mean, blaming, like, white women.

Oh, white women have been blamed for shit.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, but I just mean like, you know.

We're your guys' scapegoat.

We're white men's scapegoat.

Sure.

Absolutely.

But,

yeah, I'm just mean, like, I mean, I don't really know in any real way what I meant.

I just mean, like, oh, is this a new Ottoman?

Yeah.

Nice.

It's a storage Ottoman.

Very nice.

Like, being blamed for being as big a part of society being bad as white men.

Oh, yeah.

Do you not listen to black women talk ever?

No.

No.

What's the point of being a white man?

What the fuck are you talking about?

No, black women talk?

Yep.

I guess that has been a new, it does swing back now every time where it's like white fet.

White feminism was getting attacked for a while there.

Yeah, sure.

And, you know, a lot of it should be.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know.

I'm fucking stupid and don't pay attention to things, but.

Yeah, I don't really care.

Yeah.

We didn't suck the man off,

but we made him come by jugging his dick off.

Yeah, like, you know, they won't come for Billy Joel, but they'll come for Alexa Ray Joel.

Yeah.

Shouts out to.

I wonder what Alexa's life is like.

Yeah.

Day to day.

How does she wake up?

They'll come for white women if Hillary runs against a person.

True.

Well, Elizabeth is running now.

And everyone's talking about.

Elizabeth Warren?

Yeah.

She doesn't count.

No, they're going to give her the same shit, dude.

They're talking about how she's like a dumb bitch already and stuff.

No, no.

She doesn't count as a person of color.

Is that what you meant?

No, no, no.

Instead of Hillary.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it's Elizabeth Warren versus Kamala or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then they'll probably be more like

that.

Imagine if I thought Elizabeth Warren was a person of color.

Because she does.

Does she really?

Yeah.

Was she serious?

No, that's what fucked her more than anything is totally doubling down on this, like, got the the 23andMe results.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a golden ticket, like Willy Waka.

I'm not saying I can say the word, but I can spell the first two letters.

They're like, just

what are you doing?

I can't say it.

If it comes out of my car, I'll mouth it, though.

With the lyrics, come on.

Yeah, probably.

Anyways.

So, Stav, your dick doesn't work.

My dick doesn't work.

Oh, yeah.

There's a solution now.

What's that?

Bet the SI

Dude, I'm getting so fat that if I didn't have the, like before,

they were the dick pills were, you know, a little pep in your step.

Give your dick that extra hard as shit thing.

But now I'm so fat that I need blue chew.

And they work so well.

The other day, I almost passed out and had to lay down after taking one.

I collapsed in the hallway.

I couldn't see out of one of my eyes.

That's how you know you're getting the extra powerful shit.

Yep.

Yeah.

When I said I had the flu, I actually was suffering from taking too many dick pills.

Yeah.

I like to take so many dick pills, it's like the opening scene from Apocalypse Now

where I'm just sweating in a room hallucinating.

Saigon.

Shit, I was still in Saigon.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

We do have fucked fucked up, mangled-ass dicks that won't get hard, but thank God there's Blue Chew.com.

Right?

Is there more?

Is there actual stuff we have to read?

Yeah, I'm looking for it.

Okay,

it does make your tongue blue.

Yeah, it's a dick pill company that makes your tongue blue.

It's like candy.

It does taste like candy to a babe.

Yeah.

To a horny ass baby

whose cock can't get hard way too early in his life.

Same medicine as Viagra is.

In Seattle.

It's the same activity.

No, hey, look, that's actually a good sign.

If you're taking dick pills and you're in your mid-20s, it means you're probably going to die around 40.

Which is like, take that, mom and dad.

Now I don't have to pay for your nursing hunt.

Figure it out on your own, you dumb old asshole.

I'm all busy having sex.

Yep.

And that can all be accomplished with Blue Chew.

Where the fuck is it?

You want an early exit from this mortal prison that we're in?

Fuck yourself to death.

Just keep fucking till you feel lightheaded and think you're going to die.

And if you do that enough times for the next 10 or so years,

maybe you actually will die.

Maybe one of those times you will die.

There we go.

All right, so they're chewable.

So they work faster.

Mm-hmm.

Up to twice

as fast.

Twice as or twice then fast?

That's not a real question.

Twice then fast?

Twice then fast?

Twice as fast, man.

Twice as fast?

Yeah, twice as fast.

Makes sense.

You're right.

The copy's right.

I don't know.

It wasn't.

You can take blue chew on a full or empty stomach.

You know?

That's right.

So you can swallow a cum before

go right to fucking.

All I've had for dinner the last, how I'm losing weight, add it all for breakfast, dick pills for dinner, baby.

It's cheaper than those other two, and then in parentheses, it says Viagra and Cialis.

I don't know if we're supposed to say that, or who knows, it's cheaper than Viagra and Cialis.

I can say that

because I say whatever the fuck I want.

That's right.

I'm on dick pills.

That's right.

If anyone looks, take them and you fuck up at work, you'd be like, I'm sorry, I was on dick pills.

I'm hard.

There's not enough blood in my brain.

It's all in my cock.

I'm too busy having sex to know how to do my job.

No doctor visit, no awkward conversations,

waiting in line at a pharmacy.

Yeah.

Ships directly to the door, discreet package.

Discreet, custom medicine.

Custom package.

Just say a pharmacy, man.

Just say online pharmacy or something.

Custom medicine.

Like exhibit is getting your dick hard.

Damn, we heard your dick doesn't work.

So we're going to pimp your dick.

Just bejeweled balls.

Dicks should be pimped out.

They pluck out all your ball hairs and put like gold like strands.

Like how old are beautiful golden like.

I want one of those like old McDonald's Cup MP Three's in there.

It plays 15 seconds of toxic 925.

Hit clips.

Did you have hit clips?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I loved hit clips.

One of your balls is a is a

a magic eight ball.

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah.

It's just like my eye.

Just like your eye, yeah, yeah.

But it's fun.

Oh, yeah.

I've been trying to get the dog to bite me in the face so I'd lose an eye.

Although it's been around.

What are you going to do?

Just slap on her and sticking my face in her face.

You should put a little fucking liver in your eye.

Yeah.

Blue chew gives you.

Oh, the dog's excited about that.

It gives you confidence in bed every time.

You and your partner will love it.

You're that partner.

So if you're gay, you can also use it.

Don't let the tone of this show fool you.

Gay men are also allowed to use Blue Chew.

Even if they're not allowed to listen to this show,

they're allowed to take the medicine that we advertise.

So if you've got a friend out there that's gay, don't say, look, hey, I heard about this thing on Comtown.

They said, I don't want to hear any more about that show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say, no, it's about your dick that doesn't work.

Maybe I was wrong.

You shouldn't just try watching straight porn.

You shouldn't just try it.

Now, if your dick doesn't work, it seems like the natural solution in the gay community is to become a bottom.

How funny it would be be if you were like, if your dick wasn't working and then you just found out you weren't gay.

I've tried every

just flashing back to all that cummy retreat.

I guess at some point I'll start liking it.

You were having gay sex for years?

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I thought I was gay.

I didn't have pills back then.

Oh, wow.

I'm supposed to know in 15 years I'm going to make pills.

I was supposed to know that.

Chew it and do it.

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Let's start the show.

Let's start the show, doggies.

Wow, wow.

Yeah.

Wow, wow.

My

Let's start the show.

Buddy's back.

Buddy.

My big fat.

Yeah, I'm out here in the fucking woods and relapse.

I'm feeling good and shit.

Fuck it.

I mean, I just want to die and do blow.

Respect to that man.

Yeah, he rules.

Sometimes I would just, dude, I'm getting so fat again that I'm like,

the voice in my head's like, don't fuck.

Just get fat as shit and play video games.

Dude, it rules.

I'm saying you have to get a fucking shit.

Just take a drug that kills your sex dray.

It's like, I don't know Felix's situation, but I get the impression that he just never fucks.

It's literally just like nine monitors in his apartment.

It's like Battlefields one through five happening concurrently.

And he's just gaming and Twitch streaming and then lifting weights.

And it's like, God, what if a god among men?

Perfect life.

That's all fucking, that's all we really want.

Yep.

So the thing is, is men don't actually want to fuck.

We were tricked into it.

But we can't admit that we're manipulated by social pressure.

Interesting.

Because what it's what is in our hearts is whatever the fuck Felix is doing.

Is it gaming?

Yeah.

You don't want to like die in a war or something.

Isn't that what men want to do?

No, you want to die in 15 million wars, which is what gaming is.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you don't want you only want one death in a war?

No, thanks.

Yeah.

We want to fucking die in the eighth.

We want to die against the covenant.

Yeah.

We want to die against Hitler.

We want to die against them all.

Yeah.

You want to be what?

Audi Murphy?

He got what?

One Medal of Honor?

Maybe two?

I have played every Medal of Honor.

Yeah.

I've earned all of them.

Sometimes I did really bad.

Guess what?

You just start over, Mother.

That's all right.

Wait, who's Audi Murphy?

Wasn't Audi Murphy the most decorated?

I knew a kid that I think had the same exact name, but he got caught selling weed.

So, do you know that guy?

Maybe I'm making it up, but anyway.

Audi, I think, shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

Everyone, shut up.

ISIS, shut up.

Audi Murphy was one of the most decorated American combat soldiers of World War II.

Okay.

He received every military combat award for valor available from the U.S.

Army, as well as French and Belgian awards for heroism.

Oh, damn.

I may have got the Belgique Awards.

Yeah.

He received the Medal of Honor for Valor that he demonstrated at the age of 19 and blah, blah, blah.

So it's so counter-attack, but Murphy's born in a large family.

I thought he won two medals of honor, but

I was wrong about that.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Fuck him.

Fuck Audi Murphy.

Excuse me.

You heard me.

I would love to be a war hero.

Nah.

I'm just deaf and I own like a cotton store.

Spend the next 60 years of your life like selling pipe fittings in some bullshit town.

Once the fucking short sleeve, fucking flannel you tuck into your khakis.

That's what I love about the end of Band of Brothers where they're all playing baseball together and they do the like sand lot, you know, what they went on to do.

And half of them are like, well, there's one of them that's like, he went on a sailing trip and no one ever saw him again.

He killed himself.

He killed himself.

He filled his pockets with rocks and jumped into the middle of the ocean.

What happened to Benny the Jet?

Did he just get taken advantage of by producers or something?

Because he was hot?

Yeah, he plays on the Dodgers, doesn't he?

Benny the Jet plays on the Dodgers and then the fucking boys in love with him and he calls baseball games.

The kid with the hat that's too big.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I forget his name.

Kid with the hat that's too big.

The main character in Sandlot.

I just remember Benny because he was hot.

Yeah.

Otherwise, I can remember what they all look like.

I only remember the fat one, obviously.

Yeah, what was his name?

I don't know.

And there was Smalls.

Orange Hared?

No.

No.

No, he's the one that's killing me, Smalls.

The Orange Herd one.

Have you seen Angus?

No.

What is that about?

A cow?

No, well, it's about a fat boy, so yeah.

It was a fat kid in high school.

Damn, here's where she gets told she's too fat to have a child.

Robin Sizemore.

Fucking bitch, Robin Symmetry.

She probably picked that one because

she discriminated adoption agencies.

She's like, Robin Sizemore, there's something I like about this business.

I feel like she'll just get me.

We can meet with Robin Sizemore.

After being denied a baby, Heather heads to Auntie Ann's for some therapy.

Damn.

This is great.

Suffering what would today be described as post-traumatic stress disorder, Murphy slept with a loaded handgun under his pillow.

He looked for solace in addictive sleeping pills.

In his last few years, he was plagued by money problems, but refused offers to

refused offers to appear in alcohol and cigarette commercials because he did not want to set a bad example.

Murphy died in a plane crash in Virginia in 1971, which was shortly before his 46th birthday.

Who's Murphy?

Audio Murphy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, that is your dream.

That fucking sucks, dude.

What a fucking horrible life.

Oh, God.

I hope I never go to war.

It's too late now.

We're 30.

Dude, but as a general,

they find me, they're like, we need a beautiful mind to go.

Maybe if you start playing video games, do you think they're going to recruit from people who are good at video games?

Yeah, maybe Felix Games can be a general.

That's what all the

incels that play video games and stuff, they're just training for the upcoming inevitable

drone war.

Yeah.

Hey, ISIS, shut the fuck up.

We're trying to make money to feed.

Shut up.

Sit down.

If it wasn't for this podcast, you'd be on the fucking street right now, Isis.

That's true.

Your dumbass father can't provide for you.

Yeah, yeah.

He needs this podcast.

Hey.

Adam would be already submitting her to dog fights to try and make

well.

You have to pay your part of the rent, I see.

It makes sense.

Oh, fuck, man.

Dogs like fighting anyway.

It's true.

That's what they'd be doing in the wild.

True, dad.

It's not fair that old people got to be in World War II.

Yeah.

Such a good point, man.

Yeah.

We shouldn't get anything good.

Yeah.

They got the cool wars.

They got to be racist just out loud.

They got to see the original Mickey Mouse that said the N-word.

They used to be so much better.

I mean, they used to be funny.

Oh, yeah.

People are like, why aren't cartoons funny?

It's like, well, listen, kid, they used to be.

Your mom made us change it.

Your mom's generation came around and brought all this Indian bullshit over and said we had to be nice to the colors

and that was the end of cartoons and good wars

you see we used to have a nice balance with racism we'd do it until it was fun and then someone would take it too far and then we'd invade their country and have a war that mattered

now we don't do it enough so we have to oppress brown people with drone strikes

drone strikes that can't be that different from video games right no exactly that's what i'm saying if People are like,

watch the video, it looks like a very boring video game.

If they did drone strikes, like when you called the chopper gunner for Modern Warfare 2, that'd be fucking sick.

Just a whole village decimated

a fucking Pakistani wedding.

Yeah.

That Pakistani wedding thing is so goddamn funny.

All of the generals that were responsible for that are still like Mattis was, I think, in charge of that,

whatever that massacre was.

And to this day, he's still like, they're lying.

It wasn't a wedding.

He like has a quote where he was like, he's like, he was like, let me ask you this.

Does it make sense to you that you have a fucking wedding 80 miles in the middle of nowhere?

And it's like, all those people were, they lived in that town.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They didn't have a fucking Walgreens around them.

He's like, would you live somewhere without an Alpax steakhouse anchoring the shopping center?

He's like, there's no evidence of like wedding or wedding stuff.

There's no decorations or whatever.

And then there's like AP footage that clearly shows

musical instruments.

They're like, look, bad people get married sometimes, too.

Oh, fuck, dude.

In the Middle East, they have all their incels become...

you know, kamikazes and they think they'll die and get 72 virgins in heaven.

But I think the American ones, to to convince them to go into war, there's going to tell them they get to murder 72 virgins.

It's going to get to the point where they hate women so much here after playing video games for so long.

They're like, we don't even want to fuck them.

We just want to murder

them.

Actually, we want to murder 72 whores that didn't fuck us in high school.

That's what their religion is going to turn into.

What if the 72 virgins you get are incels?

Ooh.

Ooh.

Guys have to fuck.

Oh, they end up having to just fuck each other.

Please be gentle with my ass, sir.

Yeah.

Oh, and then that's what they all really wanted the whole time.

Wow.

It's still a type of sex.

Still can fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, new motherfucking year.

How are we going to turn it all around?

What are the resolutions?

Do you do resolutions?

No, I don't.

Do you ever try at least?

No.

No.

I don't try.

I don't either, but it feels never.

I've never done a New Year's resolution.

Yeah,

I don't think I have.

I never did Lent.

It was so stupid.

Yeah.

Were you Catholic?

Orthodox, Greek Orthodox.

So did you guys do Lent?

Yeah.

I would just give up stuff that I didn't do already.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, that was the trick.

That's smart.

I'm very smart.

So sad.

I gave up sex for Lent as a child

in high school.

And your priest was like, oh, sorry, you don't get to choose.

You don't get to choose what it is.

No, we didn't.

Our priests don't rape, surprisingly.

What?

They have wives.

Yeah.

In the Orthodox Church, you're allowed to.

Oh, really?

So you get actually

straight guys being priests as opposed to Catholicism.

Oh, so all everything's taken out on their wives instead of the children.

Oh, that's great.

That's way better.

Yeah.

In Catholicism, it's like maybe 10% straight guys,

50% gay guys, and 40% very active pedophiles.

Very active.

They're a minority, but they're really.

They're very active.

They make it up for the rest of them.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fuck Lent, though.

Fuck fasting in general.

Yo, I heard actually the Catholic Church, they was selling fish, and that's why they said you can't have hamburgers on fuck except for

so that's actually why Lent is like it is, yeah,

that's why you can't be eating no meat because they actually bought Long John Silver's.

Yeah, they bought Long John Silver's a long ass time ago.

I'm talking 1800s.

I love that Long John Silver's offers as a garnish just like shit out of the deep fryer.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Aside, it's like just trash.

I've never been to Long John Silver's actually.

Here is a heart attack.

Yeah, you have with it?

I've never been to one, they just didn't have them.

They're what?

Long John Silver.

They weren't in Baltimore.

They might have been in Moco, but they weren't in B-more.

Stop licking.

I don't remember them, but I remember like one or two on

either like 95 or something.

Like

on the Jersey Turnpike.

By the way, the turnpike,

they had them all over Austin when I moved there.

Okay, okay.

And yeah, they have like,

I don't know,

what do they call them on the menu?

The

push puppies?

No, the name for that, like, grease trap.

Oh, oh, oh.

It's actually literally on the menu.

Yes, yes.

Drippin's or something.

I got some drippings for you, baby.

Oh, thanks, Don.

Long John.

Yeah.

Long John's drippin'.

That's what they call tartar sauce.

I cannot fucking remember.

The 95.

I gotta say, something I'm real miffed about is how shitty the food selection is on the Jersey Turnpike.

Now?

It's all Burger Kings, man.

It used to be good.

Do they have Sonics?

Do you guys grow up with Sonics?

No, there's not.

There's two Popeyes, but there's no.

Did you have a Sonic, though, growing up?

Not growing up, no.

I want to buy a picture.

In fact,

me and my friends, right before they came to Baltimore, we were like, dude, we're going to get fucking high shit.

And we're driving to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where the closest Sonic is.

And we did that, and it was like a fucking three-hour drive or something.

Or not three, two, a two-hour drive.

And it was like just a shitty fast food meal.

Yeah, of course.

We were like, oh, fuck.

I don't know.

Their fries are just okay, but their tater tots are pretty good.

Their burgers are decent, and their shakes are good.

Yeah, I heard White Castle was awesome.

Oh, I've heard really?

It was before those fucking movies.

And then I went to White Castle and it was like, this is disgusting.

Did it used to be good and then the movie ruined it or something?

Because I've never heard one good thing about White Castle.

Maybe you have to go to one that's not in the city.

Or do they have to do it?

No way.

Any of them are good.

They literally steam their meat.

That's not how you get their meat.

Yeah, they steam their shits.

It's fucked up.

It's fucked up and I hate it.

Yeah.

She looks cute, bitch.

Aw.

She is so cute.

Fuck.

What am I going to do to turn my life around, man?

Do you start doing prepped meals?

Maybe.

Rice rice.

Look, now this is another show.

This is a show about a bitch who doesn't have an arm.

No, no, this is say yes to the dress.

This show is a banger, honestly.

I love this show.

Say yes to the dress?

Yeah, it's just a bunch of like women trying to get dresses.

What was that show that was just gay husband?

Any TLC show?

Coming up on Gay Husband.

Well, I told Sharon I'm going out for what we call boys' night.

Is not having,

I mean, regular boys.

She said she didn't want to watch the twins, but I said, honey, it's Friday, and you know, it's half-off drinks at

Club Secret.

Club positive.

There's a bar in the lower Essex called like Don't Tell or Please Don't Tell or something.

I was like, hmm, interesting.

Oh, I should go check it out.

See what they got over there.

You ever go to gay bars stuff?

Probably clean up there, huh?

Yeah.

We should start going to gay bars.

That should fall off the wagon.

We should start going to gay bars for free drinks.

That would be nice, actually.

Yeah.

I went to, when I was in Atlanta, I made out with a homeless girl in a gay bar.

Mm-hmm.

And then you left her there afterward.

Well, then she thought I was like rich and had a hotel room, but I was like on tour with like six other guys and we were all splitting the same shit and so uh she was like i'll sleep outside and then and i just assumed we were gonna go to her place and then she's like i was like great let's go to yours and she's like i don't have we're here she's like yeah i don't i was like what and then

and then and then i was like oh cool let's just um go to my hotel and i just like picked a random hotel i was like and she could see me trying to book it on my phone like while we were i was like gonna just get a room to fuck in and she's like no i'm not doing this.

She was just like,

she was above.

It was weird, man.

Yeah, I think she, I think, I think it ruined the music.

That's what I mean by they haven't come for white women yet.

Even when they're homeless, they're still

like, excuse me, what do you think I am?

A black homeless woman?

Yeah.

Yeah, if I had a hotel room, I would have gotten my dick sucked that night, but unfortunately, I just that's the name of the game.

I just rubbed a pussy in a gay bar while looking at in a bathroom bathroom while looking at pictures of men's hardcocks.

So it was kind of like the best of both worlds in a lot of ways.

Yeah.

Do you get hit on by gay men a lot?

Not a lot.

You're a bear or whatever?

My DMs get interesting sometimes.

You're a polar bear?

I'm not a polar bear.

I think a polar bear, I guess, would have to be an old fat guy, right?

Yeah.

Oh, because he's got white hair.

Oh, okay.

Yes, I believe I'm a bear.

Some have called me a cub, a hairless bear, a young bear.

Are you hairless?

I'm not very hairy.

I'm like, you know.

Yeah, but it's like, it's still there.

You're right.

I'm not smooth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I'd have to ask.

It's indecisive hair.

I'd have to ask what my direct,

you know, categorization would be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe I'll just.

I like if you search bear or daddy bear on Google Images, there's not a single picture of a bear.

So like a child couldn't, like,

oh, my son might accidentally see it's nothing but gay men.

There's not a single picture of, like, a teddy bear.

Well, it could just be your specific search for someone else.

No, it's not.

I've signed in

people just giving away their personal information.

Yeah.

Yeah, whenever I type this in, this is the first thing that pops up.

I don't know.

Deepest, darkest desire is just me kissing Wilder Valderama.

Yeah, but can you blame him?

He's so cute, Fez.

I love Fez.

Sonic, having sex with Homer Simpson.

Yeah, that seems more right.

Who's the bottom?

Who's the top?

Sonic's the top, obviously.

Obviously, dude.

Sorry.

Why is it obvious?

Because, I don't know,

Homer would have him down, and then he would just very quickly.

Oh, because it's not consensual, and

there's no way that Homer can catch Sonic.

So he has to be the one who's.

Being in this guy's photography class.

Whoa, Whoa, no.

Now that's a polar bear.

An old fashioned.

He looks like a guy I used to work with.

It's an old-fashioned man.

Hispanic man pulling his cock gooch apart so you can see his hard penis.

Damn.

Wait, is that Ken?

Ken was a photographer.

Maybe he got into self-portraits.

Yeah, like, welcome to community college.

That's the first time.

It's like

when they passed a law that made it like free for seniors to

go to community college.

Just a gay,

horny old gay man's going to take photography and send his cockpicks in.

That guy, the guy who I worked with, had like a lot of accounts, but like, I was like, maybe he'll die because he was like really unhealthy.

I'm like, maybe he'll die sooner.

I'll get all of his accounts.

It would be a lot of money.

But I'm glad he didn't, or else I wouldn't have moved from Nebraska.

You know, he would have died.

I'd be still selling mechanical controls.

That's nice.

You know, he fucks all the controls.

Right.

Sold controls home.

Sold hardcock all over them.

Damn, I gotta see a dentist.

Yeah.

I just want to get these teeth removed.

Right?

Just, I think that all teeth should just be removed, and we should get.

My friend Jessa, you know, Jessa, right?

What's going on with these?

It's like, I'm not doing anything wrong.

I'm brushing them.

If they want to continue to get fucked up, that's all.

That'd be skeptical about you not doing anything wrong.

I don't know.

I think that we should just do that.

There was a year ago, I think you were talking about how the way you take care of your teeth is by taking a hook, a fishing hook through them or something like that?

No, I do have like a scraper that I use.

The one they literally, like, a dental hygienist uses.

Yeah, but you're not licensed, bro.

That's not.

You don't need to be licensed to use a fucking

scraper.

You shouldn't be using a scraper, man.

I feel like you get overstopped using it because I was bleeding all the fucking time.

You're supposed to, though.

Oh, fuck.

Do you go to the dentist regularly?

Do you have health insurance?

I just got it.

Kicked in today.

From what?

Medicare read?

I just bought it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is it expensive?

How much is it a month?

It's expensive as shit.

It's a wild amount.

Like $900.

No, you can get this as a poster.

Can you see his cock?

No.

Daddy poster.

No, he's a little bit modest.

Yeah, it's a lot.

It's like, yeah, it's less than that, but it's a lot of money.

And it's like, but I'm so unhealthy, and I have to get so much figured out.

Yeah.

this teeth, this tooth on its own will be a couple thousand dollars without insurance.

Jesus, so like I should, I might as well just buy insurance for it.

And I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea because I'm fat as shit, and I haven't slept well in probably three years.

I'm hoping, I'm going back to Missouri.

I have family in Missouri.

My great uncle was a dentist, but he's the one who, my aunt, she's in jail now because she was using his prescription pad to like prescribe people shit.

So I'm really hoping she didn't fuck it up for me because he did help me with my teeth for free before.

I'm sure he would still do it.

How old is he?

I don't know, 60.

Okay.

70.

His great uncle could be like old as shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm hoping he's fucking fucking fucking.

I don't know if you were an old motherfucker.

She was my inn, you know?

Yeah, she fucked up.

She fucked the money up.

She really ruined it for us by being in jail and

Xanax.

Yeah, I'm about to be all over the fucking doctors, dude.

I'm getting rehab on my foot.

Oh, yeah.

what other i'm getting this tooth fixed i'm gonna i'm gonna get a fucking sleep apnea bane mask oh yeah i think so i'm i have to have it there's no way i don't and then i don't know what else what else you got a bane mask you know that you have to put some shit in your nose do you need that do you have sleep apnea i'm pretty sure i do i haven't slept well in like years dude Really?

And I think every fat person has sleep apnea.

It just means you keep waking up.

Maybe I have sleep apnea.

Yeah.

You just wake up in the middle of the night.

I don't know.

It's really bad for your heart and shit, too.

Oh,

yeah.

My dad has that shit.

Does he?

Yeah.

He's like, you can hear him.

He'll start like snoring.

No, he doesn't sleep with a mask.

You hear him like wake, like, snore, and then he starts like choking to death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not necessary.

Yeah, this guy's totally gay, by the way.

We're watching Gay Husband.

He's actually called something like sick.

I mean, every picture of him.

He's got his eyes are too twinkly to be straight.

Oh, yeah.

There's too much magic in his eyes.

Um, yeah,

his uh prostate has definitely recently been hit

with those eyes.

Hell yeah.

Do you get fingers up your butt, Stav?

No.

One time a girl was about to, and I was just like

skittish, like instinctively, but I feel like if she just

gave it a couple other choices.

It's her fault.

She should have had a more confident energy going into it.

Yeah, she really was not going in confidently.

Yeah, you can't do that.

But I would be open to it, I suppose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why waste it?

Absolutely.

I why waste the butthole?

It's a beautiful thing to put a couple fingers inside of.

And then, plus, I like getting my balls sucked.

Yeah, sure.

So, why not get your ass played with as well?

You know what I mean?

I mean, you guys know what I'm talking about.

I mean, I don't.

I don't understand the leap between those two things.

I like one thing.

Why wouldn't I like something that's completely

different?

Not okay, not in the ass.

I like pussy.

Why not get fucked in my ass?

No, no, no, no.

You know what I mean?

Because they're both disgusting.

Yeah,

they're both disgusting.

But when you get your balls tickled, it feels like when someone touches your ass a little bit.

So I guess I'm saying.

You ever notice how when you get your balls played with?

Yes, I was in a conversation with my friend Jim the other day.

I said, maybe I should just try it.

You know, see if you like it.

Well, come on, Jim.

You like getting your balls sucked up,

Jimmy.

Jim Toos.

Come over here, cutie.

Wow.

You look better every time I see you.

I gotta tell you.

Jim, Jimbo.

Him wanting to fuck Jim Toos is the best part of that joke.

Hey, has anybody seen Jim Toos?

Real cute guy.

guy.

I'm all set, Joe.

Thanks, man.

Don't want to hang out today either.

No, I'm kind of busy this whole morning.

I'll let you know when I get you.

I'll text you.

Yeah, I'll text you, man.

No worries.

His whole act is about Jim Toos.

Jim just

sees him at the comedy cellar doing his set, and Jim's like, I'll try to get a spot some other time.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Well, I think we should wrap this up so I can go to Dwayne Reid.

Oh, yeah.

Get your fucking pharmacy.

Yep.

Well, everyone, thank you for listening to the first one of the year.

We are doing a funny moms on January 14th.

Before that happens, I will be in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania on the 10th.

I'm sorry, Lancaster on the 10th, Pittsburgh on the 11th, Buffalo on the 12th, 12th, motherfucking Schenectady on the 13th, Phoenix the 19th, buy tickets to that one.

Doing Tucson, Hartford, Delaware, San Diego.

Then I'm in L.A.

on the 2nd.

We added a second show at the Lodge Room.

So please buy your tickets to that.

Don't make me look like a fucking asshole over there.

And keep buying the damn calendars.

Yeah, how's that going?

It's going really good.

I need to get one of those.

Yeah,

I'll bring you one.

For my grandma.

Yeah, I give it to her.

Until I said, what's up?

So, yeah, please buy tickets to that.

Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Phoenix, 11th, 12th, 19th.

Stavi.biz slash tour.

Yeah, yep.

Come out and see me.

Thank you for that.

Nick will be in Chicago.

When?

March?

Nick's in Chicago at some point.

Yeah, March something.

We're also, all three boys will be, this is a big one.

In D.C., we're coming back to the Black Cat.

We're doing two shows, a stand-up show and a live podcast.

Come to both, come to one, whatever you want to do.

ISIS, fucking chill out, bitch.

You're going to fucking unplug the goddamn thing.

You fucking dumbass dog.

Sorry to speak to you that way, but you almost jeopardized our careers.

Anyway, yeah, come see all three boys March 30th at the DC at the Black Cat DC.

Go see Nick in Chicago.

Oh, yeah.

Come to Whiplash Friday, Instagram, Twitter, Books, Let's Podcasts, and then,

you know.

Yeah, check out Abby.

She's funny as shit.

If this dog unplugs this fucking thing, I'm going to punch Adam in the face as soon as

it's not.

We should end the episode in case she does.

Fucking dumbass dog.

I hate Adam.

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