Ep. 131 – ho canada

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It's on stage.

That's a good look.

I want to do a set like that where you go in with earbuds in and you're like halfway through a joke and you're like,

yeah, because you know, we've all, we've all voted for.

Hold on, sorry.

Sorry, Mark just said something.

It would be you doing stand-up with headphones while listening to what the fuck

would complete like

Mark just made like a really good point.

I'm sorry, I'm addicted to podcasts.

I can't stop listening to Mark Maron.

Are people still listening to Mark Maron in the year 2020?

I just listened to Annie Letterman yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

She's on it.

So Annie's doing it, so it's not, the podcast isn't going that great anymore again.

So I guess

he had Obama, and now he's got Annie Letterman.

Now he's doing middle.

No, it was this great.

Let's get on.

Next week, we got Kurt Metzger's friend who drives him around.

I think his name is Larry.

He's a guy named Larry that Kurt's friends with.

Hell yeah.

Yeah,

Kurt's

a pretty good guy.

Just a mental,

mentally disabled guy.

Yeah, don't be afraid of the city.

He's a car or something.

Larry, I need you to drive me.

I need you to drive me to Costco.

I don't know if I can, Kurt.

I gotta do what the fuck.

Oh, oh, good, good, good, good.

Yes, good.

Mark 71.

I tried to listen to Kurt Metzger on, I don't know whose podcast it was, but he was talking about the fight that he had with

Lewis Gomez, and I have no clue at all what happened from Kurt Metzko.

You know what I'm saying?

This is the thing that like 15 years ago would have been like, oh, yeah, I heard like Kurt and Lewis said a thing at the comedy store, and people are like, oh, who gives a shit?

And that would be the end of it.

And now because everything's fucking documented, it's like.

Well, that's what I started seeing some things from Lewis on Twitter, and then I was like, ooh, what's happening here?

Well, they're also documenting it.

I don't mean like this is entirely other people.

I think it's mostly them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, they had it on the podcast and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, you got to have some fucking self-respect.

We don't talk about it.

We've been beating the shit out of Adam before every episode.

It's all fake.

It never comes out.

No, no, no, no.

I'm talking about the lashings.

Oh, before the show lashings.

Yeah, like when there was like

pounding your head on with Adam, where he's not allowed to fight back.

He's not allowed to offend himself.

I don't get allowed to punch myself.

Adam gets jumped and sexed into the podcast.

Every time.

Every episode.

I only record twice a week.

I had fun, but I feel guilty.

I know.

I get it, Bonnie.

That's just how you do it.

You'll get used to it.

He wasn't here the first time you did the show.

I know.

We'll try to make it good.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I did it way back in the day.

A lot of people don't know this, but you were the act the original third chair on Come Town.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I was like, what the fuck is this shit?

Because I knew you from some writing gig.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you were like, do my favorite.

We were like friends or something.

Something like that.

We had some connection.

And then that was the first time I met you.

That's when I stole your glasses.

That's right.

Yes.

I went and bought the same glasses that you had.

But you were at some company where they were cooking food.

Yes.

I was at a horrible company, CPXI, it was called.

Oh, no, you're saying that.

Child porn extreme internet.

Yeah, Childporn Extreme International.

Yes.

And

we were

two kids now.

It was like the

parody of a startup.

It's just way too much office space.

Most of it is not being utilized.

It's a lot of square, too.

It does like casting, central casting for these young millennial types cruising around.

I was like, what am I doing here?

And you guys were looking in closets and stuff.

Should we record in here?

A receptionist came up to me one time when I was there, and I was just like making myself a bowl of cereal.

And she was like, do you work here?

And it's like,

no, and you're not going to do anything about it.

Just hold up a clipboard.

Do I look like I work here?

Yeah, I do.

I would just stay after and eat cereal for dinner

all the time.

It was awesome.

I would steal nuts from there.

Yeah, they had nut butters.

They had like PlayStation.

I think you offered me nuts.

Yeah, there's all nuts.

And I was like, you don't offer people nuts before they're about to do a podcast.

I do.

Well, you know, protein.

It's like crazy.

They have one of those fancy machines, you know, that Starbucks machine they have at Sirius?

They had one of those.

And those things probably cost like $30,000.

Yeah.

They're not cheap.

No.

No, yeah.

Yeah.

What do you mean a Starbucks thousand?

I mean, it's nice.

It's like at the

President's Lounge or something.

Yeah, you know how much one of those bun coffee makers costs?

How much?

Those are like $6,000.

Damn.

Yeah.

He knows the prices of coffee makers.

As soon as anything becomes for commercial use, because businesses write everything off, they're like, oh, an alarm clock, $50 million.

Need an $80 million desk fan, and we're out of business.

That's sweet.

That's why if you do a corporate, you should always...

Rich taught me that.

Ask for $50,000.

You asked for $40,000 right off the bat.

45 minutes, $45,000.

That's what I charge.

They'll say yes, too.

Yeah, and then the guy calls you, like, you know, an hour later and is like, can you do this show in Manville, New Jersey?

I'm like, yeah, $150,000.

Manville.

Manville sounds like the spot.

We need more towns like that.

Manville.

Guy City.

Yes.

Let's rename Dallas Sky City.

I'd love that.

Yeah.

Walk around cowboy hats, boots, nothing else.

Nothing else.

Boots and cowboy hats.

Top and tails.

I don't know what that means.

A lot of heating, air conditioning, guys.

Oh, yeah.

All hanging out.

Just a little bib I put over my dick when I eat dinner.

I get barbecue sauce all over my hog.

That's great.

That's how we're going to make that crypto money back, dude.

Cock bibs.

Cock bibs.

You know, I had an idea for just, you put on these sleeves and then you can just wipe your mouth.

Oh, that's good.

You know, disposable sleeves.

Napster.

Sleeves.

Napkin sleeves.

That's good.

I sneeze into into that.

That's the thing, man.

Like, QVC is like, it's a place for people who aren't good at a business, but are good at like 30,000 terrible businesses.

Like,

if you have one okay idea, you're probably going to sink.

But if you have like 40 just shit ideas.

No, I knew a guy who did.

He did inventions and he's like, it's a pen that fits in the tiniest pocket of your jeans.

Yeah, right.

It's like the weirdest thing.

Velcro sunglasses.

And we surgically reattach the Velcro to your face.

That's good.

I always lose my sunglasses.

Here's the rub.

You get to choose which side of the Velcro gets attached to your face.

So you were like, you like a fuzzy kind?

Yeah, I would like to go that.

You're fuzzy on the face.

You're fuzzy on the face.

It's entirely up to you.

And Mark Cuban is just like tinting his fingers.

He's like, oh, yeah.

It mimics the eyebrows.

Now we're really onto something.

You know, this started out stupid, but I think we got another

cock bags, some Velcro sunglasses.

We're going to be millionaires by the end of this.

Yeah, no, I mean, because like the guys that go on Shark Tank, like somebody's like, oh, yeah, it's

this is an early detection system for sudden infant death syndrome.

It's like, who needs it?

Yeah, they're like, I want this shit.

It's not

available.

This other guy's like, yeah, it's Dyson for wiping your ass.

And they're like,

$80 million.

That would be awesome just to vacuum.

I hate wiping my ass.

I'm out.

It uses ions to suck the shit out of your ass.

And then it turns the shit into peanut butter.

Okay, I'm in.

For your baby.

What about to wipe your ass, a thing that's like a circle, and it's a bunch of tongues?

And it's like you're getting your ass licked clean.

Well, they made that for eating pussy.

Yeah.

Did they?

There was like a cuntalingus machine.

Yeah.

They made like a woman, like a woman's pleasure.

Okay.

I want to relate

him to a Tesla.

Belt with tongues on it.

Yeah, Nicola Tesla.

Yeah, that was

a good one.

That's what he was doing.

He just goes in a circle.

That's why they had him killed.

That's why they found that blueprint.

Well, he was working on it before he died on his deathbed.

It was his theory of everything.

I want to do the...

Can you make it slurp?

Can you make it?

They call you a whole fake pump.

I want to make it...

I want to do the.

What's the guy with the steam engine?

The guy who...

Thomas the tank engine?

No, no, no.

It was like a black guy, a folk hero.

John Henry.

Yeah, I want to do John Henry.

I want to do me.

I want to reboot the John Henry myth, but it's me eating pussy naturally versus the machine.

The machine, yeah.

You know what I mean?

I think there's thousands of women lying.

And the machine wins.

The machine wins easily.

The machine wins.

He's out of breath.

He's out of breath, too, somehow, from eating pussy.

You can make it through one.

You have the story of John Henry in Canada.

I don't know it.

John Henry was not a slave, but close enough.

Yeah.

He was like a really strong black guy that was good at hammering railroad spikes into railroad ties.

And then they invented a machine, and John Henry raced the machine, and I think he dies.

He wins, but he dies.

He wins, but he dies.

He raced the machine?

Yeah.

For what?

Just like run it?

It's an allegory about how the black man earned his freedom, but thus by doing so.

Well, no, he invalidated his role in America.

Oh, because that was a story.

That was the story of John Henry.

I don't think that's exactly

the story of John Henry.

And that was taught in what?

For what reason?

Because I said I wanted to...

He raced a steam hammer.

No, no, no, I know.

But why was this story actually taught?

Because it's like a folk.

It's American.

It's like Johnny Appleseed, Johnny Appleseed, or John Henry.

Paul Bunyan.

Yeah, Paul Bunyan.

Blue Ox.

It doesn't feel like it has legs.

And yeah, you guys are still talking about it.

Yeah, no, it doesn't.

Nothing on this podcast has to be good.

That's the thing you have to learn.

American folklore is pretty fucking dumb.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are Canadian folktales?

Well, we had the story of.

oh, there was a Métis.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Is he like hiring stuff?

Huh?

No.

No, like a fucking Canadian mountain.

A mountain.

What, a Matey?

I thought it was a Matei.

Oh, a Métis is a.

That's what they used to call half Indian, half Canadian.

Oh, that's probably racist.

That's probably racist now, right?

I'm sure it is.

Probably a sword.

Isn't everything?

Yeah, it is.

Damn, half Indian, half Canadian.

What?

The friendliest man in the world.

Please welcome to my house.

Please

Please come, please stay for it.

Native Canadian.

Oh, an indigenous person.

Still pretty friendly.

They'll give you

First Peoples.

First Peoples.

Is that what they're called?

Yes,

First Nations.

First Nations.

A couple of fooboos.

First spy.

Nice, man.

Thanks, man.

What else?

What else we got, guys?

You know, Thanksgiving.

What'd we all do?

Thanksgiving.

There's that guy that got eaten by

arrows.

Yeah.

Hilarious way to die.

So funny.

So funny, dude.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

Honestly, he didn't.

What did he think was going to happen?

And it's just, it's a shame that he was like Chinese and not a white guy.

Yeah.

Because I haven't really dug through Twitter, but I just want to see those like

Mayo ass white boys

trying to go to white privilege.

Yeah.

POC island too spicy for Mayo ass white boys.

The island too damn spicy for him.

He just was trying to take pictures or he was

trying to just give him a pick ass.

He thought it would be a really good Instagram post to go eat coconuts with people that think, you know, like God lives inside of a toothpaste.

I love that you said you did it for an Instagram post.

That is probably more true than that.

No, he was a missionary.

He wanted to go.

He was.

Oh, of course.

That's fucking asshole.

Which is kind of rude because if you don't know about God, don't you just get a pass?

Like, dead-ass babies get to go to heaven.

No, they don't.

They don't.

They got to go to

purgatory.

They go to purgatory.

Because they fucking did something.

They know what they did to fucking.

Pay off the shit.

They know what they fucking did.

Of dying.

No, I don't know.

Fucking religion is so disgusting.

Yeah, it's dumb.

You're married to a Jew, right?

Maybe.

I'm sorry.

Adam likes to keep tabs on everyone.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't like that.

He's Jewish politically.

Yeah.

But he's religious AA-ishly.

Oh, so the worst kind of Jew?

Just one of those Israel guys?

guys?

Yeah, AA sucks so goddamn much.

I went through an AA meeting with Evan Williams.

Oh, did I out?

I guess I can't out him.

I mean, yeah.

You just.

I can't out him as being a damn.

Wait, but were you in any way concerned about your own alcoholic intake, or you just were going as

time?

I was literally killing time.

His phone died.

Literally, my phone died.

Free coffee.

That was your bottom?

Yeah.

It was like when I was doing it.

Let the phone die.

I can't drink anymore.

And it's just all these people that are like, you know, I mean, particularly in New York, I would think that like AA here would be less depressing, but it's like people that still have hopes and dreams.

You know, you go to like an AA meeting in the middle of Delaware.

They're like, you know, and then after I got my 15th DUI, I was like, maybe I will call my daughter.

Yeah.

And then people are like, damn, yeah, I guess this guy's doing all right.

Whereas, you know, here it's like, and I never became a dancer.

Yeah.

I was supposed to be on Broadway.

Oh, a bunch of people pretending the reason they failed is alcoholism.

Well, not that, but they're just like bitter.

I mean, like, you know, you moved to New York to do so.

They're people that had aspirations.

Look, alcoholic or not, you get to a certain age, you get bitter.

It just fucking happens.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm there.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, I'm there, trust me.

You're pretty

bitter.

Well, yeah, you just stopped drinking.

It is crazy.

You just were like, I'm just going to stop drinking.

And then one day it happened.

Yeah, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Yeah, what is that?

Because I didn't get perimenopausal.

You know, before you get to menopause, you call it perimenopausal.

Did not know that was a praise.

That was one for the gals.

Hey, ladies.

Both of you.

I wanted to say.

There's zero.

Yeah, all the menopausal women that listen to this show.

Yeah.

There's one.

She made me a cheese.

Well, she's probably not menopausal.

There was that one lady that killed herself.

Oh, yeah, but she wasn't menopausal.

She judge how bad menopause is.

She wasn't menopausal, though.

She was fairly fairly hard.

How did you do it?

I think just suicidal.

Because she sent Adam videos of her sucking dicks and stuff.

Yeah,

everyone saw those videos.

Yeah, but Adam was the one who kept asking me.

Adam sent them and was like, if you don't send me, you should fucking kill yourself.

No, I didn't.

You sent it.

It was fucked up, man.

Yeah, I remember Adam was trying to go fly to visit her.

Yeah, that was funny.

He was like, this woman needs my help.

Yeah, but she was.

Adam was like, I think I finally have a girlfriend.

This menopausal suicidal.

I didn't say a girlfriend.

I said, I feel like I finally have a family.

I got the kids.

Her kids as well would be my kids now.

Her husband would be my best friend.

He would be your sister-husband.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You would be.

I can't wait till you and Dash have a sister-husband situation.

Oh, it's not going to happen that way.

It's going to be a sister-wife situation.

No chance.

100%.

What are you talking about?

You know why they don't have it that way?

It's always like more women, one man.

They never have like more men, one woman.

Because that woman can't keep up with the sound.

No, that's not true.

That happens.

I saw a tweet the other day from a guy that was like, Well, I lost $100,000 in cryptocurrencies, and now my wife's pissed because I can't afford to put her boyfriend's son through college.

That's not real.

Come on, that's trolling.

And it's like,

man, that guy is my fucking hero.

The boyfriend or the husband?

The husband.

That's who you want to be?

Yeah, just a guy like that.

That's like, yeah, I'm not doing too good.

Yeah, kind of fucked things up here a little bit.

Damn.

I did see a Facebook video of something like that where it was like,

this couple that just like, this Renfair couple that like added another guy with a beard and ponytail, and they just take turns fucking, and they're the same woman.

On Facebook?

Wait, the guys don't fuck?

I don't think they fucked up.

Or is there some kind of weird...

It looked a little weirdly affectionate.

I mean, I'm sure they fucked the girl at the same time,

but they didn't seem gay.

Oh, and they, in fact, the husband, the original husband, seems kind of resentful of the situation, but it's just kind of like, he's like, well, I guess it's what you want.

Yeah.

I feel like that's every situation is like

one of them wants the open relationship and the other one is like, fine.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was like a thing in HuffPo a couple years ago about this guy that like begged his wife for like an open relationship and then they had the open relationship and then he wasn't able to fuck anyone else and then his boss knocked up his wife.

What do you mean, he wasn't able to fuck anyone else?

He just couldn't get anyone?

Like, oh, it just hilarious.

Oh, man.

He had no game.

You got to know the marketplace, dude.

You got to know your worth on the sexual marketplace.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah.

Is it hard to get laid?

It seems like it'd be so fucking easy.

It's not hard.

No, it's not.

Not in this damn city.

Yeah.

I mean, when you, I don't know, maybe just because we have a podcast now.

Yeah.

But women

way more than I deserve to.

I love podcasts.

Yes.

Oh, you guys have a podcast?

They get so hoardy for podcasts.

I mean, there are a lot of mentally ill women.

Yeah.

It's not like.

Yeah.

Dude, we're basically you fucking punk rockers, bro.

Yeah.

CBGBs?

Yeah.

Right here.

That's this living.

That's this living room.

That bean bag.

CG.

What kind of processor do you have?

I couldn't think of a word.

Use your hosting service.

Yeah.

We got it.

Our hosting sex dick, by the way, we should fucking.

Do you guys all have cans or just one set of headphones?

We have one set of headphones.

Yeah, I'm the one who wears the headphones, baby girl.

That's the guitarist.

Who's the guy with the headphones?

I'm fucking the headphones guy.

You get your choice of the other.

Just remember.

Yeah, he keeps the headphones on while he's having sex with you.

Oh, 100%.

All the time.

I'm speaking into a microphone while we fuck.

If you're.

You kind of have to if she's fucking you for the podcast.

That's right.

Yeah.

I put, I plug it in.

You got nothing else off?

Here's a stethoscope and he puts in her lower stomach.

That'd be a cool move.

To hear your dick

from inside.

Just a light.

I love sounds, man.

I get off on my tip.

That would be good.

Yeah, Yeah, if you're doing an ultrasound, could you see it?

Ooh, we need an ultrasound.

I need an ultrasound machine to do.

I need an ultrasound machine.

I'm just so dirty.

Where'd you get all this medical equipment?

I don't know.

There's your baby.

There's your baby shooting alone.

Yeah, there's no way to lie about not coming inside of her.

Oh, shit.

I don't know what that is.

Like, no, put the thing back on there.

No, no, it's broken.

It's broken.

Embryonic fluid.

Oh, sorry, my heart will stop.

You got to.

Oh, yeah.

You got to defib me real quick.

My heart's not, I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity.

I need all these machines to live, actually.

Anyway, thanks for coming over.

Just an iron lung, but

my dick is poking out of it.

Yeah.

This is your fully quarantined, like the Alien Independence Day.

Release me!

Release me!

Oh, fuck.

I watched Alien last night on this TV.

I wasn't, man.

Looks great, man.

I haven't seen that movie in forever.

The Sigourney Weaver.

Yeah, Sigoffme Wiener.

Sigoffme Wiener.

Yeah.

That's a good one.

Yeah, she looks so much like Danzig in that movie.

Oh, yeah.

Is that why you're attracted to her?

Well, it's why I'm attracted to Glenn Danzig.

It's a real chicken or the egg situation.

Uh-huh.

Yep, that's what that expression means.

Yeah.

When two things look like each other, you got a rat.

That's a good one.

Is this a chicken or an egg?

I'm out.

I'm right.

I don't know what's the difference.

No, no.

Stop.

Break it down.

Let's go.

I will break it down.

Thank you, Adam.

Whose sexual attraction, which came first?

Do you want to fuck Danzig because he looks like Sigourney Weaver?

Stuff can't tell the truth.

Or do you want to fuck Sigourney Weaver because she looks like Danzig?

That's not a chicken or an egg.

That is chicken or the egg.

That is chicken or the egg, motherfucker.

100%.

I heard you.

100%.

That's textbook chicken or the egg.

Which came first?

Danzig wanting to fuck Danzig or wanting to fuck Sigourney Weaver?

But that doesn't mean that it's a chicken or the egg.

It is, though.

This is a classic chicken.

A chicken gives birth to an egg.

No.

Right?

And then the eggs and then grows into a chicken.

No.

Yeah, but then if that's the case, then you could never use the saying.

Because it would only apply to one fucking thing.

Things that give birth to things.

Well, things that are analogous to that.

Yeah, things that give birth birth to things.

That's actually not what that means.

Well, it could be

more figurative.

You can actually just place bets on this shit.

Can you use it in a sentence then in your definition?

Which came first?

The chicken or the egg?

Place your bets at Bet the SID.

What came first?

The cow or the calf?

I mean, these are the only things that give birth to the first.

If you go to Bet the SID.

I'm not going to be with you Bonnie.

Yeah, thank you, Bonnie.

I'm going to bet.

I'm going to bet that Bonnie's right on BetTSI.com.

You'll fit in here.

I will never agree with him.

Yeah, that's the idea.

Yep.

I bet that people are going to love this argument and think that I was right.

Yeah, BetTSI.com has been in business for over 20 years paying winners.

Wow.

And winners isn't a euphemism for losers.

They literally mean winners.

They mean people who win money on their website.

They got an easy-to-use mobile playing interface.

You can play, win, and get paid.

Bet DSI offers odds on pretty much everything else, too.

It's not just sports, it's politics.

Wow.

Reality TV.

I love those things.

Yep, that's everything.

They have a great mobile app that's easy to use from anywhere.

That's fucking awesome.

School, the bathroom.

Yep.

The new bathrooms they got now.

A bathroom where you're beating off the Glenn Danzig because he looks like Sigourni Warner.

Chicken or the egg.

Chicken or the egg.

They offer live in-game wagers.

History will vindicate me, by the way, on this.

What history?

You can make plays throughout the entire game event.

History.

Smart plays.

I love making smart plays on bettheside.com.

And here's what we're going to be betting on this week.

Will that tribe release that man's body?

Will we ever see Mr.

Champs?

Mr.

Champs.

They've already eaten it, yeah.

I think they buried him on the beach, and then people went.

There's like pictures.

There's pictures.

The police went to try and get the body, and they're just like all just on the beach with their dicks out, waving the bows and arrows at the police.

That fucking rules, dude.

I can't believe there's a law that you can't go over that.

I mean, that's like the greatest thing I've ever heard, that it's illegal to even fucking try to contact them.

That's like the best thing this world has ever fucking done.

I know.

You know, it'd be a much better story instead of like a Christian going over there, an MMA fighter that thinks you can single-handedly take over the shot.

And he's just got like a year of YouTube videos being like, I've been training for this moment for years.

I know that in a world without guns and martial arts, I could beat up an entire tribe of people and take over their island.

This has been my ultimate fantasy is to take over an entire society with the power of jiu-jitsu.

Can I offer up another scenario?

Yes, a 35-year-old single woman.

Yeah, who's like,

there's no good men left anymore.

That's awesome.

I'm going to fuck the whole island.

Fuck the whole island.

Fuck that little pygmy you dig.

Somebody who doesn't like Instagram.

Yeah.

Damn, you'd have your pick.

Yeah.

It could probably be exotic.

The problem is they wouldn't consider you a woman until you put fire ants in your pussy.

Yeah, that's true.

You have to have a weird rite of passage.

Yep, and I bet.

Yeah.

I didn't put them in my pussy, but they were there.

I was just going to say that.

Did we finish the read?

Oh, no.

Yeah, what are we betting on this week, fellas?

Oh, you got to take the Ravens.

They beat the motherfucking Raiders.

They whooped that ass out of them last week.

They were double-digit favorites and they weren't going to cover it.

And then the Raiders really just blew up in that fourth.

That backdoor cover, baby boys and girls.

So take the Ravens.

We're on a fucking hot streak.

Say, see you later, Alligator, to the Raiders.

Yeah, they're done.

Yeah.

It sucks, dude.

Yep.

Say that to them.

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And we're back.

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Just seamlessly talking about one of our favorite websites, BetTSI.

Just we wanted to mention it.

Not being paid to do it.

Or do we have to say that we are?

I think people know.

Well, the cat's out of the bag.

Is that appropriate?

The cat's out of the bag.

Yeah,

I think you do have to say you're paid.

Oh, okay.

Then we are paid.

Sponsored content needs to be...

That's my rule.

Okay.

You have integrity.

Yeah.

Look, anything we've ever promoted on this show has been paid for.

That's right.

Even my hatred of American Airlines was paid for.

By Delta.

By Greyhound Bus.

Oh, really?

Greyhound Bus.

Greyhound thinks they're competing.

The Feng Wah bus in Chinatown are competing with American Airlines.

I wish they were competing.

I wish there was something else that was.

A stagecoach.

They should just be like, hey, it's a long trip, but we're nice.

Ooh, I should open a Brooklyn stagecoach.

That would do numbers, bro.

You take a stagecoach down to Gowanus.

Yes.

You know, to go to the STEAM festival.

The steam festival.

That's right.

A stagecoach would do business.

It really is.

Hop on board, partner.

The Williamsburg Stagecoach Company goes

out of business after embracing what they referred to as

historically realistic racism.

I thought you were going to say they invested in racial historicism.

That would be, they could only pay in Bitcoin.

There is this thing.

There's like the Jazz Age Festival on Governor's Island and some asshole from Brooklyn that just like rents out Governor's Island in the summer to be like, it's the twenties.

And then, you know, he dresses.

He's got like a dumb mustache.

Well, I love it.

Yeah.

I think it's terrific.

Yeah.

And then they go around and they sing like that old dumb jazz music where, you know, like in like Boardwalk Empire or any of those like twenties based things, there's always like a party where there's like

the gayest person they had back then, which was the guy that just sang songs at the Prohibition Era party.

Every gay guy was good at singing.

Yeah, they'd be like, oh, I can't wait to meet you on the trolley.

Ding-tong, you know, like those guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, you know, that's what they, that's all the songs are about back then, is the trolley and guy's named Jelly Roll.

You know, anyway.

It's so funny how any song that's like just even 20 years ago sounds like a kid's song.

It's like, Reyna always listens to the Rich loves 60s odd six.

It's his favorite.

And they sound like kids' songs.

They do.

And every song song now

is like, I want to fuck you directly in the pussy.

By the way, I'm on experimental hallucinogens that aren't even illegal yet.

It's like every new popular SoundCloud rapper or whatever, they've got tattoos only on their face.

And they're addicted to

whatever comes out of lithium-ion batteries.

Yeah, you crack them open.

There's a guy named Blue Face right now who just talks about his his penis all the time.

It's pretty cool.

He's like, she's pulling on my pants till the meat show.

Yeah, right, bitch.

Welcome to the meat show.

And that's like his big lyric.

There's one of the things that I'm talking about.

Wait, he rhymed meat with meat?

Meat show with meat show.

Oh, yeah.

That song that's like...

Oh,

there's many of them.

But yeah, it's just acceptable nowadays.

There's a SoundCloud rapper that got Ann Frank tattooed on his face.

That's awesome.

Did you see it?

No, but I like that.

Yeah, it's funny.

Shouts out to that guy.

And what's his name?

It says underneath.

Little syllables.

It says, shh, we keep in secrets.

No snitching.

Stop snitching.

None of my guys keep diaries.

Damn.

Yeah, rap used to be like, rap from 30 years ago was all like nursery rhymes, basically.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, one to the left, one to the right, this way, that way.

Hey, I'm all right.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it should stop.

Hey, I'm the dip, dip, baby, bot.

The meanest thing they would say was, like, you're a clown.

Yeah.

Now, Rappers Delight's the funniest song because it's like, it's like 35 minutes,

it's 35 minutes long.

The first part is about like bringing women to motels, and like, they're like, Bitch, I got a Buick, you don't like that?

Well, guess who's got a Toyota to sell?

Like, they just name shitty cars and the Hotel Motel Holiday Inn.

Yeah,

and if your girl starts acting up, meaning if your girlfriend doesn't like that you don't even have an apartment to fuck in,

you have to go to motels, you could probably just fuck her friend.

She won't have a problem with that.

And then halfway through the song, it's like, this is like, now I'm going to bring my man Big Hank on.

And then this other guy comes on.

He's like,

you know, when your friend's mom is bad at cooking?

They're like, all right, where's he going with this?

And it's like, I guess it's just five minutes.

That's just it.

Well, the Sugar Hill gang wasn't even like

some people were like oh i know some black guys in jersey no that's that's literally what happened they were like the actual good rappers were like this rap stuff is really popular they gotta sell a ton of gold dragons let's cash in on it boys

that's what's great about jersey man

they won't let anything go by that's right they'll try to jump in on it

they'll find they'll find any black guys and just give them a record deal they're around yeah yeah yeah they got black guys in jersey

um

yeah i don't know man fuck so what did you We never got into Thanksgiving.

We got to do a full Thanksgiving recap.

You know?

You went back to Baltimore?

I was like, I went back to Be Moore.

Had the first annual Halkis Brothers Korean barbecue and a movie Thanksgiving.

Cut out the fam.

Cut out my parents completely.

Felt good.

Did it feel good?

It did, actually, yeah.

I don't like myself.

What did your parents think?

I don't know.

My mom was invited, but...

My dad was not.

Did your mom go?

No, she went.

She chose size.

So that's, you know what I mean?

She politely declined.

She politely declined to stand by her man

and have just a horrible dinner, probably.

Wait, is your mom and dad your real mom and dad?

Yeah, but they have a horrible relationship.

They just have like one of those weird immigrants who should have gotten divorced 30 years ago, but immigrant women don't understand that they don't have to just stay with the man, I guess.

That's not just immigrant women.

Fools.

Really?

Is it all worth it?

Also, Canadian women.

Oh, Canadians, yeah.

Those are immigrants.

Those are immigrants.

They're literally immigrants.

Yeah, you're fucking four.

Literally an immigrant.

I am an immigrant.

yeah you grew up on like a Canadian piece of shit I read your book you grew up on a dumb farm yep yep so that's pretty immigrant see I like hardship that's why I'm still married

that makes sense to a Jew yeah disgusting to a Jew Adam's smiling so hard when he says to a Jew why is it like such a thing that he

did he ever ask you to be a Jew before you guys got married no no I would never you would never ask her to he's not he's not religious like Adam has to change his first and last name to Dasha.

To Dasha, yeah.

He's taking his wife's first and last name.

Yeah.

They'll both be wearing a dress.

That's a tradition.

It's an Eastern European tradition.

Anytime a Jew marries an Eastern European woman,

he has to chop his cock off and take her name.

Adam has to start wearing sailor costumes for babies, too.

I want to do a full Russian-style wedding.

Just Cossack kind of outfits and stuff.

That'd be fun.

Those furry circle hats.

Is Dasha going to dress like Donald Duck at your wedding, too?

Of course.

Wait, are you married or engaged?

His girlfriend dresses like Donald Duck.

She does wear some of the stuff.

I'm not sure I know the.

No pants?

No pants.

No pants, pussy all the way out.

Yeah.

Just pussy out.

Just say that.

That is flying.

Crying in Russian in a Donald Duck outfit.

Yeah, it's love.

That's a good look.

Yeah.

We went to my friend's aunt's place, who was a famous actress in the 80s.

Wow.

And I saw

all types of NDS.

This picture of baby Donald Duck tattooed on my bicep.

Yeah, you should.

You really should.

Got this.

Nick is thinking about getting

baby Donald Duck tattooed on his bicep.

Is that another character?

It just says baby fat denim around it.

I really just want to to start getting really dumb tattoos.

I dated a guy who had a Mickey Mouse given the finger on a show.

Hell yes.

And it was just the bane of his existence because kids would run up

constantly, and he'd have to be like, ah.

Like, they'd be like, Lily V.

That's awesome.

He just thought it was going to be cool.

Like, that's why I was like, you know, he was a very, very heavy drinker.

Nice.

So, yeah.

Best sex ever, right?

He was a pretty handsome fellow.

He put on the Mickey Mouse Glove.

How about this Donald Duck costume for your dog?

Let me see.

That's what you think.

That is pretty good.

Yeah.

That's a hilarious.

So he just got it drunk, probably.

I think he did.

I mean, he had it when I got a stop version of Donald Duck.

No, it's a pig.

It's a pig wearing a Donald Duck costume.

I don't even have to look at it.

Yup, there it is.

Just a fucking fucking cost.

No, it's not even a pig.

It's just a super fat duck.

Oh, that's you, dude.

That's you.

You know what?

It is me.

That guy is very cute, and I don't have a problem.

He seems totally happy.

He's happy with himself.

People like him.

Oh, this is like a whole, like, I guess, Etsy story.

This guy just draws fat versions of cartoons.

I love that.

That's called

Fat Lego, man.

That's hilarious.

That's also stuff.

That's not really funny.

It looks like Fat Albert.

That is not me.

That's great.

A fat ninja turtle.

That's me.

That's cool.

He's got a sword.

I'll be him.

Anyways.

I'd like to see a picture of the fella that draws those.

Yeah, what is he?

Or maybe it's a beautiful woman that likes to fuck fat guys.

Anybody ever think of that?

Huh?

No, I'm looking now.

You got no problem fucking a fat guy.

Thank you, Bonnie.

That means a lot.

That is the way you got on the show.

If I was singles, I would be totally all over that.

No, I had some fat boyfriends.

That's what I like to hear.

Yeah.

People need to be fucking fat guys, I think.

That's my spin on body.

Nobody needs to be fucking anybody.

I think that no, you you should be.

I mean, it was gross, but I did it.

It was definitely not a fat guy.

A fat guy definitely could not have pulled off the Mickey Mouse tattoo.

No, no, that guy was

hot.

Yeah, for sure.

A fat guy with a bad, ironic tattoo.

Yeah.

You can't do it.

We're held to a higher standard.

Yeah.

That's why I know the fat guy, the real fat guy that I dated was very smart, funny, like

great guy.

Yeah.

Overcompensating.

Cool to be around.

Yep.

That's the formula.

Rode a motorcycle.

Oh.

Did he have a twin?

Yeah, that is the formula.

Me and my sister, but we dated those

two fat guys who rode the motorcycle motorcycle twins.

Yeah.

He loved chicken wings, as I recall.

Oh, yeah.

Could dip, I could eat like a whole greasy rider.

Greasy Rider.

Greasy Rider.

Nick and I tried watching.

Greasy Rider.

Greasy Rider is good, man.

Yeah, no, but come on.

You know, a couple swings at it.

All right, what else?

What else?

Greasy Rider.

Cheesy Rider.

Cheesy Rider.

That's pretty good.

Oh, what?

Because Easy?

I didn't get what we were easy.

Easy motorcycle.

Sorry, Dennis Whopper.

Dennis Whopper.

Yeah.

Oh, gotcha.

Well, that's that's good.

Not good at puns, but you guys have fun with it.

Dennis Whopper is a little bit more.

I held myself to a high-profile.

Peter Fondue.

I was going to say it, but you were talking over there.

Sorry, I didn't.

I said,

Peter Dennis Hopper and Peter Fondue.

Yeah.

Dennis Wopper.

Oh, you're good at this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I said Dennis Whopper.

Dennis Whopper and Peter Fondue.

That's a taco truck.

Yep.

This is why I get to write for all the shitty variety shows on basically.

That's right, man.

You got skills.

You got talents.

Yep.

We were talking about something that was interesting to me, though.

Yeah, God.

I'm pitching a show called True TV called How About, where audience members just yell out a movie, and then me and my friends are sit around and we're like, oh.

How about

gay?

How about gay Adams?

Star

star warts, and it's a dark bear, and he's got warts all over his dick.

All right, come on.

What's the next one?

Hey, you win the prize.

He wins the prize.

Come on down here.

Actually, we're out of time.

That's good.

Yeah.

How about, yeah.

I would love to pitch how about to True TV.

Yeah.

If Hannibal gets to have a show called Why,

that didn't last long.

I know.

But where's our turn?

Yeah.

When's our turn?

Where's our turn to have three episodes of something and fizzle out?

Where's our turn?

You know?

Where's our turnip?

Right, guys?

Yeah, that's turnip.

Like the vegetable.

Or like

you get it.

Let us do that.

I don't know why I'm just doing food puns.

You're getting into the spirit of the show.

Or like a male feminist show called The Good Man Show, right?

Oh,

but they still have like bitches jumping on the trampolines.

Jiggies or whatever the fuck.

They see girls on trampolines.

Yeah, the juggies.

And then they're jumping up and down.

And we're like,

we're not looking at it.

We're not seeing any of this.

I'm thinking about Bernie Sanders and my eyes closed.

Healthcare for all.

That's my dick's hard because I'm thinking about Bernie Sanders.

That's good, man.

I'd love to see you.

The Good Man Show will be back after these commercials for, I don't know, probably scented candles.

Yaz and scented candles.

Candles for men.

No.

They got to be for women.

Yeah.

There's no such thing as women.

Candles for sensitive men.

I think you guys, everything's for women, right?

It's like that you guys are trying to take some shit for yourselves.

That's where you go wrong.

True.

We got to start doing, we got to do a woman-only come town, guys.

Aren't you doing it now?

Yeah.

This is our shit episode.

I'll tell you what is for guys and girls:

a new pair of boots from ThursdayBoots.com.

Absolutely.

That sounds about right.

Over here in this fucking place.

It's fucking rocks, brother.

This isn't Monday boots, all right?

Monday boots.

Fuck Monday boots.

Monday can fuck off.

Fuck Tuesday boots.

Wednesday boots, suck my fat nuts.

Wednesday, you can suck my dick.

It's Thursday.

Thursday, boots.

Thursday.

That's their official jingle.

Saturday can eat my ass.

Saturday can eat my ass.

Sunday sounds fucking gay to me.

But Thursday boots.

Thursday boots.

That's something I want to fuck off.

Please let me fuck your shoes.

Thursdayboots.com.

Boots.

You can fuck.

You cannot fuck the boots.

No, you can fuck the boots.

I mean, I guess you could fuck the boots.

Buy them, yeah.

But they don't come like with a pocket pussy.

But the leathers are so premium.

That's true.

These fabric, these leathers, the leather stitching is so good, you'll want to fuck it.

It'll be hard not to fuck your boots.

Basically, a pussy.

It's like a pussy for your feet.

Your feet are the dicks.

Yeah.

The boots are pretty good.

It's like kick fucking a child.

Is this a segment on your good boys show?

Oh, no, we're doing an ad.

We're doing an ad read.

For this company that sells boots that are.

You gotta be an adhole.

Thursday boots.

It's like kick fucking a virgin.

It is not like that.

Do you guys lose ads for this shit?

I don't know.

We've lost so many ads on our podcast.

It's weird.

We've never lost an ad.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I've forgotten to re-up with people.

Yeah.

But, like, we've never.

We've got nasty letters from fucking

from companies?

Yes.

For what?

Fucking up ad reads?

Well, one time there was like a Valentine's ad that we had to read for some flower company, and then they would say, like, she may say no, but she wants the flowers.

And I was like, why are you using rape lingo?

Well, that's like just a fair point.

Yeah.

Hold her down and shove the roses in her pussy.

I think it's really right.

And then we did that for about half the podcast.

Anybody that comes to us knows what they're getting because the show's called Come Town.

I mean, it's like, it seems unfair that we have to fucking.

No, man.

You just

don't promise anyone anything ever and do the least amount of work possible.

And this is the only way to live your life.

You got it.

You can do that in style and

overpromise, under the level.

That's our motto.

If you're a dumbass like Adam, you have to steal expensive boots from Black Lost and Found.

That's not what happened.

It's a church for homeless, retarded people.

That's not what happened.

Adam marched in with Adams.

I would never steal it from him.

Stop ruining the reed.

He was

kissing at the cross.

It was burning my skin.

It was burning my skin.

Because Waysa lost it found.

It was a hot cross.

And then he stole those boots.

He Jewishly made off with those boots.

No respect for other religions.

You don't have to do that at Thursday Boots because they got, look,

they somehow found the factories where they make the more expensive boots, broke in there, made good boots for cheap, and then they passed the savings on to you.

Maybe their deal is they'd steal them from homeless black losses.

Yeah, we don't know.

We don't know.

We don't ask too many questions.

They're manufactured in,

this is what I like.

They go,

they're manufactured in North America.

Nice.

So like Guadalupe.

Yeah,

never on the ship.

Yeah, this is, I think they they want us to mention that they they the Thursday boots are not only better value, but they use better materials like the famous chromix cell leather

from the Horween Tannery in Chicago.

Chicago.

Chicago leather.

Chi-town.

Chicago leather, baby.

The good shit.

That's a good name for a show.

I thought Chicago leather was when you...

You cut off another mobster's face and then you wear it like a mask to eat his wife's pussy.

I thought that was like a gangster land.

That's how Al Capone got syphilis.

Yeah.

Doing Chicago leather.

Look it up.

With prices starting at $149 and free shipping and returns, Thursday Boots are the best buy for this winter.

That's a steal.

And with their clean, timeless design and durability, Thursday Boots will keep you standing comfortably for years to come or sitting.

Stav is literally handicapped and he loves the boots.

I am not handicapped, but I do love the boots.

He's lost the use of his legs.

To totally walk.

But the boots are very good.

And while they don't do sales or discounts,

completely scratch me.

Because if if you think about it, they're already discounted, but the price is so low.

Head on over to Thursdayboots.com slash town.

That's Thursdayboots.com/slash town.

Oh, the town.

Yeah, town.

Of course.

Yeah, town.

What are they going to do?

And while you do it, think about the internal conversation they had about you contacted who

to be a sponsor.

Okay, they get three reads, but that's it.

Yeah, right.

That's Thursdayboots.com/slash town and get free shipping and returns.

So use our link so the boot people knew that we know that we sent you.

They changed the tense in here and fucked me up.

It's alright, bro.

I hate breeding, dude.

I didn't even know you were reading, man.

I thought that was.

This is so seamless.

You were really just talking about me.

You've seen me act.

You saw me in that sketch.

You know I'm an actor.

Natural actor.

That's great.

Dude, I'm fucking, I'm a killer actor.

I'm really good at acting.

I had to play a barista for this sketch we shot.

Really funny sketch where Jim's racist.

I was like, what if Jim's racist?

I was telling her about how we had to go around.

Are you done the read?

Yeah, Thursdayboots.com slash talent.

Check them out.

We had to go around for that thing and say who believed in white privilege and who didn't.

And like everyone said no.

Like they didn't believe in white privilege except for us.

It was like so weird.

It was like, dude, this was not that long ago.

The whole writing staff, or who was it?

Everyone was like, well, I don't really believe.

Well, the writing staff was just me, Bonnie, Kurt, and Jim.

No, there was a couple other people.

Oh, because the producers were in there, too.

Yeah, I guess.

And then, yeah, I guess that's a good thing.

I think they were looking at Jim to find out what he was doing.

Was that girl's name, Tori?

Tori contributed a decent amount for an assistant.

And then that guy, Tom, I guess they brought in to actually write things down.

I don't see non-writers.

I just

completely ignore them.

Well, Tom was technically the head writer.

Or not headwriter, but he was like, he had some position that was...

Tom was a producer.

He was a producer, but I remember whoever was the showrunner, she was talking about bringing him in as if he was going to fix everything.

Wait, Tom?

Yeah, you remember?

The bald guy?

He wasn't completely bald.

He was thinning.

Jim, yeah, Jim.

Jim's the bald guy.

Jim's the bald guy.

Yeah.

No, okay, now I don't know.

Well, I don't know.

And Ian was there, too.

Ian was there.

Yeah, Ian came in.

He was pretty good there at the end.

Yeah.

Ian who?

Ian was there at the beginning.

No, Ian Edwards.

To write something, God damn.

Yeah.

We had him come in to deliver our lunch.

He still fucks it up.

dude this is a paper bag filled with cum

oh man oh my bad this is my lunch

yeah I get special capri sons filled with semen

yeah my boyfriend slash girlfriend fills them up with semen

it's like a Capri son ad for like Ian's cum Capri son where he drinks it and then he just like turns into like a kid who has a dad and then he's like standing outside of the skate park watching everyone have fun and a half bike.

Great always looking through the chain link fence.

Man, I wish I was good at something.

It'd be funny if Ian became an Orthodox Jew and started sucking men off through a hole in the machine.

That wouldn't be good.

There's so many good options for Ian to be gay as a different version of himself.

He's like the oldest, youngest looking person I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, he's 27 years old.

He's ageless.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, he is kind of an enigma.

Right.

He's a cool guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a cool guy.

Good dude.

My daughter, who's 11,

and Kate's daughter, who's 11.

We were going on a gig, and Ian was there.

And it was the first time I met him.

So we're driving to Spring, where was it?

Fairfield.

And

those two fucking kids tore him off.

Oh, my God.

He got bullied by 11-year-old girls.

It was.

Like, at one point, I took him aside and I was like,

you turn around, and Ian's just explaining to two 11-year-old girls.

It's like, yeah, but if the dick is on a girl, it's not gay.

I mean, like, you can't say that they weren't my girl.

I'm not

no, it didn't.

They, they, it started off with the sucking dick feels good.

I don't know.

What do you want me to say?

They were like, like, we're in fifth grade.

The first thing they said to him, I think, was, are you a crack addict?

And it just went from bad.

It was,

it was bad.

Then they somehow got his phone number and they were like, kept texting him

in the car.

They were texting him.

Yes, just totally harassing him.

He showed those texts to Nikki.

And I think that's why she put him on the show.

She was like, I feel sorry for this guy.

He's been bullied by 11-year-old girls.

Yeah.

I had to take him aside and be like, you guys, cut it out.

He's going to cry.

At one point, he was like, stop it.

Leave me alone.

That's so fucking good.

That's amazing.

I love Ian.

He's so funny.

He's the funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like taking L's to that degree.

His whole life.

His whole life has just been such a tragedy.

It's so weird that they knew immediately that this was a guy.

Like they said, they smelled it on.

They were like, we can take this.

Absolutely.

You just look at, you've got these twinkly eyes.

You're like, yeah, I'm going to take advantage of this man.

Yeah, things have been going real bad lately.

Let's see if we can get him back to drinking.

Yeah.

I wish I could remember any of those texts now.

Because when he started showing them to us, I was like, kind of horrified.

I was like,

oh, I raised the monster.

I mean, a little bit proud, but a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he was telling me he got arrested like a year or so ago, and it was literally like just a clerical error.

They like

literally just got the wrong guy.

And he would have gone along, right?

He would have been like, Yeah, he's like, Yeah, no, my lawyer says

they should be able to.

He probably wanted to go to jail.

We went to jail for nothing.

For nothing?

Yeah.

She's like, I've always wanted to use this kind of urinal.

I've always wanted to shit in front of other people.

I love jail.

It's cool.

You meet a lot of cool guys in jail.

Going to jail feels really good.

Yeah, no, it's actually fun, man.

Yeah, the toilet was broken, but everyone just pissed in my mouth.

It was fine.

Yeah, you know, make some friends in there.

You know what I'm saying?

Boom, jack.

Boom, chakalaka.

So my favorite thing about Ian is he'll say something that's like a joke.

And if people don't laugh the second it leaves his mouth, he immediately just becomes like he's just drowning in insecurity.

And he has to, like,

he does his tells, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He runs through like eight of them.

Every time I get drunk and do stand-up, I feel myself doing these huge tells.

I don't know what happens to me.

It's like I bounce

a splash line.

I have no fucking control over it.

Yeah, Ian does it like, you know?

No, we don't know.

No, that didn't make any fucking sense.

That's what his tweets are like.

He gives up on the joke.

Even in his tweets.

You can tell that he's like, he regrets it.

He'll make some dumb point that's like, man, women, there's no difference.

We're all the same.

Check me out.

What are you guys doing later?

What happened?

You have like no confidence in anything.

We really should have made him defend his tweets.

Read his own tweets.

Oh, yeah.

His tweets are so bad.

Yeah, they're the worst.

He's so fucking bad at tweeting.

We'll have him back on soon.

Oh, yeah.

Just bully him.

When Rich gives a compliment, or when Rich like trashes someone and it doesn't get a laugh, he'll pretend he really'll be like,

nice shirt.

Hey, where'd you get it?

Try to make it seem like it's just part of the conversation.

That's great.

I love that shit.

Damn.

Let's get Ian on to bully him.

I was laughing about, you know, the Seinfeld episode where George had the comeback?

Yeah.

Where he's like, you know, the jerk store called.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's, it's George like waiting for his moment, and then, but he says the n-word store.

How much fun?

Because Kramer's like, George, here's what you got to call him.

He's like, oh, yeah, well, the food store called, and they're running out of you.

And everyone's like, Jesus Christ.

Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

He's like, Kramer told me me to say it.

It was Kramer's idea.

Ad lynching from a tree.

You should be hanging from a tree.

50 years ago, you would be upside down with a fork in your ass.

It's like, is that killed by Italians?

Because they're bruckas at an Italian restaurant.

Like, twist them up like the zwighetti.

Shouts out to Kramer.

That was the beginning of the ends.

That was the beginning of the end.

You couldn't say the N-word anymore.

Free speech.

No, I just mean

that I know what you mean, though.

I mean, he was an asshole, but the public apology.

That's where it started.

Because he had to go.

Remember, people were laughing so hard when he was on Letterman.

Yeah,

because people were like, what?

Stop laughing.

Stop laughing.

It's not funny.

Because people never heard of celebrity fucking apologize like that before.

It was like, is this a joke?

Yeah.

I know.

Now

he was like live via satellite.

They like to do it.

It was really weird.

It was weird.

That was so weird.

Yeah.

I watched that shit, too.

It was because it was like, it was like a point you're like, oh, shit, he's going to be on.

Like, Seinfeld's going to be on.

It's like,

and then it was so bizarre.

I think Kramer's just that funny.

Well, it's so funny now.

You do want to laugh at it.

If you look at how, if that had happened now, Jerry Seinfeld would be in more trouble than Kramer.

Oh, yeah.

Because no one gives a shit about Kramer.

So if Kramer was racist, they'd be like, I knew it or whatever.

But if Jerry Seinfeld, as like another white guy, went on TV and were like you need to accept his apology right he would be in more trouble now oh yeah that is true yeah yeah right so imagine that jerry seinfeld could go on tv and be like it's not that bad you know well he's even walked jerry seinfeld's walked back so many of his comments uh uh just from a couple years ago everybody walks back their comment like people have this like extremely short-term memory in terms of how shitty they were and shitty only in like a contemporary sense.

I don't even think a lot of this shit is shitty.

But like, you know, yeah, there's plenty of people people we know who are like, Well, I'm not that guy anymore.

It's like, oh, you mean you're just a coward?

Yeah, you're a coward now, and there's like the slightest amount of social pressure, and you can't say these things that you were so edgy four years ago.

Now that there's actual consequences to face, you can't do it,

right?

Well, I mean, they're actors,

comics, I don't mean actors.

Well, Jerry Seinfeld has said some really reprehensible things in his act, some really racist.

Yeah, really, Ovalteen.

Why don't they call it

Ovalteen, where do you buy that?

The boob store.

I love booby.

Yeah, Nasquakes for whites.

Nice quicks for white.

Ovalteen's for boob.

I love Ovalteen.

I call it that because that's what I'm saying.

Just take his set and bleep something.

Make it look like he's wearing blackface.

Just do a Photoshop of him in black face.

Well, I love that.

A couple, maybe a year ago, he was like, yeah, I'm not going to do colleges anymore because these SJWs, they're like ruining, they're ruining comedy.

They get so triggered by my comedy, and it's like about your Uber versus.

That is so bizarre.

That joke is so fucking dumb.

Have you heard that?

They're using it to promote his new special.

Yes, but he tried to pretend that is a joke that he wrote.

He literally did

a special where it's like, these are all jokes I wrote my first year in comedy or whatever it was.

And then he does an Uber joke in there.

And you're like,

that tag.

Come on.

Is that new?

Is that new?

I feel like that's new.

Barack Obama.

No, you're like, he's got all his papers out.

That's the thing at the comic strip.

I watched the new episode of The Simpsons last night.

It was just on TV.

I haven't seen The Simpsons in like 20 years.

Insane.

It's just Homer's like tweeting the whole time.

What?

He's like, yeah.

He's like leaving Yelp reviews about Krusty the clown.

What?

And then Krusty tries to kill Homer with his Tesla.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm serious.

Krusty's got a Tesla, and he's like, I got to kill this guy.

He's on the fucking couch and is just tweeting all the time.

That's fucking horrible.

Is he a Trump supporter?

Is he all right?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

I mean, he must be.

He has to be.

Homer feels like he would be.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's funny too because you can hear in the voices of the actors how old they are.

Oh, my God.

Bart's like, don't worry, Krusty.

I'll hide you.

Isn't the woman who told me?

Dying of cancer?

What's that?

Yeah, Nancy.

She's got cancer.

She's like dying.

All right, then.

Okay.

Keep my show.

Edna Kraboppol died.

Damn.

What happened?

Edna Kraboppol died.

The lady that does her, I guess?

Yeah.

Did she do more than...

No, they killed the character on the show.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, Napu's gone.

Yeah, because he's racist.

Apu.

Oh, man.

It's so funny how shitty The Simpsons is now that Hari Kondabul is like, they need to get rid of that character.

And they're like, okay, who gives a shit?

Yeah, we're just cashing checks on the show.

We'll write off every character.

We don't care.

Yeah.

Like, I know.

We're looking for a reason to quit.

Let's be honest.

Yeah, no, and they had a joke on the show because Homer becomes like a critic or whatever of Krusty's show.

And that, like, he becomes like a TV critic or he leaves, he recaps episodes.

And then the joke

on the show is like, you know, Krusty's like, what do you mean?

Why isn't it season four anymore?

And it's like, look, no one is watching The Simpsons.

Yeah, yeah.

Literally no one is watching.

Yeah, you will never come back.

That's the thing.

It's like, that seems so out of character.

Like, even typing seems like not something he should do.

Yeah.

You know, like, what's he doing?

Yeah.

I mean, it seemed weird when Homer got a computer.

Do you remember those episodes?

Yeah.

I mean, that was a funny episode when Homer's like dragging the computer behind his car and he's like, Lisa, look who got a computer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, it's weird.

There were a lot of good lines in that one.

I'd believe he had a podcast.

He's like, this is the computer that astronauts use to do their taxes.

I mean, anybody can podcast.

Yeah.

No, there's going to be one where Marge has a podcast, probably.

Oh, God.

There's probably already been a podcast episode that we just had.

There has to have been.

Yeah, probably.

Wasn't Homer married to Lena Dunham for a while, too?

Yeah.

Yeah, Lena Dunham put pebbles in Lisa's pussy, in Maggie's pussy.

Killed the dog.

Yeah.

The Simpsons, Sunday, guest starring Ben Shapiro.

That seems more accurate.

Mill House, you're not gay.

It's women's fault.

Lisa, did you know that Ben Shapiro said I could fuck you?

He's the same height as Lisa.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, fuck The Simpsons now.

Unless they, I guess, want to give us jobs.

We'll write for you guys.

Yeah, hey, I would love.

They should just give Comtown the Simpsons.

Please, actually.

They should give us Mad TV.

I don't know why.

They've already said that.

I know, but I mean it.

Yeah.

Like, they rebooted Mad TV and they didn't have it.

They did?

Yeah.

But no, wait, watch it, it wasn't me.

Wait, where is it on?

It was on already.

It's gone.

It's been rebooted and off already?

Oh, yeah.

I think it was on like CW or whatever their shit is.

Yeah, some random shit.

That was Fox.

No?

Well, originally the new one or whatever.

Then they rebooted it on.

Yeah, they didn't do any racism.

They had no retarded characters.

Yeah, they didn't do any but gay sketches,

which is where they shine.

The president, but gay.

The most like tame character on Mad TV was the Java man, the guy who loved coffee.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

And that was the dumbest sketch on that show.

100%.

Anything that was like, all right, we're going to have Alex Borstein make fun of Chinese women.

Best.

Best one.

Oh, he looks like a man.

Perfect comedy, right?

Stewart, incredible.

Yeah.

But just a terrorizing, retarded sort of thing.

Oh, look what I can do.

Yeah.

You know, one that wasn't mean that was funny was

what's like that character that's that Midwestern woman that just goes, huh?

I don't remember that one.

Remember that one?

No.

I never watched that.

Mo Collins.

No, no, it was Mo Collins.

Mo Collins is good.

Mo Collins is hilarious.

She was great on Parks and Rec, too.

Everybody that was on Mad TV was super talented, right?

Yeah.

They had the best cast.

He and Peel were on like the last couple seasons.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They were?

Mad TV.

Mad TV is hands down one of the best sketch shows that there ever was.

And I don't know why people shit on it.

Oh my God.

It's better than SNL.

Much better than SNL.

For sure.

I don't watch that.

Unless SNL wants to give us jobs, in which case.

Yeah.

Get an SNL to come to SNL to come town.

That's why I found some

liberal account on Twitter that were like, there should be a rule that SNL gets to air six hours after Trump says anything.

It's like it's mandatory that a new SNL episode.

Is that like what gets these people through their week?

Yes.

Call and Joe's fucking losing.

Amazon is good.

Yeah.

That was a tough one.

Everyone got really mad.

I didn't see that.

He was just talking about how Amazon is good.

And like New York won the lottery by getting Amazon basically.

Well, he's like, that's a good thing.

Oh, yeah.

I did see that fucking thing.

People got really mad.

Well, he had to say that.

He's part of the thing.

Yeah, he's part of GE, basically.

Yeah, whatever.

I mean, it just does suck, though.

Amazon.

I'm mad Amazon's coming, dude.

Fuck Jeff Bezos.

I don't really give a shit.

I wanted to buy something.

You think it's cool?

Yeah, it's like a literal.

It's going to make Queens more expensive.

Yeah.

Like a literal city.

It's going to make Queens more expensive, bro.

Yeah, now you get to know what it's like to live in Brooklyn.

No, I wanted to buy something in Queens, you know, hopefully.

That's never going to happen.

Look, me and Adam can't leave Brooklyn, all right?

We can't do it.

We've lived here since we came over.

Yeah.

You came over on the boat from Israel.

It's true.

You ordered him from Amazon?

Yeah.

And he was here the next day.

Well, you don't order from Amazon?

I've stopped.

I'm going to stop.

I just need our Amazon.

I actually have it.

There's been an option.

I think I'm going to do it.

I'm taking Amazon ordering for me.

Yeah, yeah, neglects it.

Yeah, I don't think protesting Amazon by not buying shit on Amazon does anything.

That's not a problem.

Well, this is the thing with boycotting is that

you would just have to be naked living in a field.

I mean, yeah, that is true.

It's like every fucking business is a piece of shit after they get a certain level.

I know, it's hard because I was trying to buy like gifts, and I was like, well, I don't want to buy this, like, this video game from Amazon, and then it's like, okay, let me go to what, Walmart?

Like, I don't know.

It's like they're all.

Even the video game itself is probably fucking

employing fucking people in China that don't have any fucking water on it.

Yeah, we're fucked.

You're right.

Fuck it.

Amazon is good.

I changed my mind.

Yeah, we love it.

Yeah.

I mean, the biggest thing is that it's a lot of fun.

Explain, like, you know, it's also like, how long is that going to last?

First of all, you know, it won't do anything.

Are you just prepared to never use Amazon again?

Maybe.

Yeah, you're going to go down with the ship, are you?

Yeah, well, the other thing is.

Is that correct?

I don't think I used that.

Down with the ship?

Yeah, no, that's good.

What are you going to go down on the ship?

The captain has to go down on the ship.

You've got to suck everyone's dick.

You've got to suck that ship.

The ship is a woman.

The captain of the Titanic sucking everyone's dick because he doesn't understand the expression.

The captain must go down on the ship.

Just suck the violin players' dicks while they're on the swan's going down.

Gentlemen.

Time is now.

No, but you're not supposed to drink any water from like Nestle or anything.

It's like you start going, it's like too, I don't know.

Chocolate water?

No, well, Nestle.

They're the number one.

Aquafina or something.

I thought I'd do whatever the fuck.

Aquafina is trash, though.

Yeah, but I don't know.

That's like not even as good as tap water.

Cocoa is the same.

You're now listening to Adam's.

I take Aquafina, I pour it out, I put tap water in, and then I drink it.

Trash.

His dressing room.

Go ahead, Adam.

Air out your water bottle opinions.

I like that one.

I like, they always get me when they say they have like ions and like magnets and stuff in the water.

I only drink it if it's got magnets in it, man.

That's right.

Well, it's really, they're stealing water

from like the Flint.

Yeah, isn't that right?

That's something going on.

I agree with you.

I've seen some stuff.

I mean, there's a lot of environmental shit they're doing wrong.

Yeah, everything's bad.

We're fucked up for doing it.

I don't know if it's anthro.

They should have put

Michigan.

Yeah.

We just learned that word yesterday.

Anthropogenic.

Anthropogenic.

What does that mean?

I did it.

We were listening to this clip yesterday.

The woman goes.

So I was just looking up words.

The woman goes about global warming.

She goes, is it anthropogenic?

I don't know.

It might be, but it just means, is it man-made?

Yeah.

Originating in human activity.

Yes.

Correct.

Anthropogenic, but it's a pretty good word.

It is good.

It is good.

I agree with that.

I've been looking at this whole podcast for a way to say it.

I was like, please get to the Flint water thing.

I can get to the environmental thing from there.

And and then I can say it.

How expensive would it be to just fix Flint's water?

What would that cost?

Billions and trillions of dollars.

Trillions.

That's just that.

They should write off the whole city.

Wall it up.

That's what we used to do.

Yeah.

You know, the fucking thing, like, the billionaires, they should just have to be like, okay, you don't want to pay taxes.

All right.

You have to fix one bridge or one water or one thing.

You like, just fix one fucking thing.

You get your fucking dumb name on it.

Then you're done.

Good.

Yes.

Get your name on it.

We should privatize all of the highways.

That way it's incentivized for business owners to keep the highways.

We should privatize everything.

And then it costs us money to drive.

I think that

you know that

adopt a highway program.

Here's the thing, man.

Prisons are a problem unless everything's a prison.

It's great.

Oh, my God.

You can't make a point by yelling if you're yelling all the time.

Right.

You just incarcerate everybody.

Everyone goes to prison.

Everyone goes to prison.

Okay, all right.

We're all living in a prison, though.

Oh, yeah.

Frigo's saying he wants feudalism to come back.

No, the open field system, not feudalism.

No,

a component of feudalism.

I thought about this now for about 10 seconds.

No.

Yeah, no, these are all horrible ideas.

You don't want the open field system?

That's the feud aspect of it.

What's the open field system?

Just punch each other for a few years.

There's a lord that's granted land by the crown, and then the lord rents out the land to us at exorbitant prices that we'll never be able to pay off.

That's Brooklyn.

But then we get free use of the field to graze our sheep.

Now, if we go to leave the field at any point, the king can kill us.

Sure.

But

who wants to leave?

He can't evict us from the land unless he has good reason to do so.

Uh-huh.

But what if we can't pay the rent, which we won't be able to?

Yeah, you will be able to.

It's just whatever portion of...

It's just taxed.

So the amount of wool you get from the sheep, a certain amount of it goes to the lord.

And he gets the same.

And this is what you want to bring back.

Yeah, because you don't know how to...

No, the open field system.

That's a good idea, man.

Well, listen.

I'm going to give you a book deal.

Feudalism sounds neo-reactionary.

It's like that's not really what I'm embracing here.

Just the open

field.

Yeah, open field sounds like

a startup.

Means you can go play baseball.

That sounds good.

Hey, guys, what about the open field?

You don't have to sketch it.

I don't want to leave.

Open?

That sounds great.

All right, well, listen, we can keep going.

Let me plug a couple dates here.

And also, Bonnie, do you have anything you want to plug?

I'm doing Chicago on December 22nd at the North Bar.

I'd love for people to see.

Yeah, go see Bonnie.

She's going to be doing some Chicago leather.

Yeah, she's going to be doing Chicago leather.

Premium.

Go see Bonnie.

She's funny as shit.

She's great at stand-up, the best.

You'll be an idiot.

If you went to see me in Chicago, go see Bonnie.

And then I will be, if you're in fucking Long Island, this Friday, motherfuckers, I will be at the Cinema Arts Center.

No, he will not.

Yes, I will be.

I'll be at the Cinema Arts Center on Long Island.

The show has been canceled.

It's not canceled.

It's at 9.

This Billy Joel thing.

The guy at the.

Shouts out to Max who booked the thing.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, I'm going to post this.

Don't let Adam look at it.

I already saw that.

Don't let him get it.

Let him see it again.

And then in D.C., I'll be at the D.C.

Draft House on the 7th and 8th.

Great.

Please buy those.

Yeah, buy tickets to that.

It's going to be awesome.

And then I'm coming to Indianapolis on the 13th, Cincinnati on the 14th, Columbus on the 15th, Cleveland on the 16th.

Go to stavi.biz for ticks.

And then, of course, I'll be in L.A.

LA on February 2nd.

And soon I'll be announcing the whole tour.

I'm going to be all over the place in January: Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Phoenix, maybe Albany, maybe Tucson for sure, San Diego, maybe Delaware.

So, yeah, Hartford, all these fucking places.

But right now, buy ticks to go see Bonnie in Chicago.

Go see me in fucking.

I didn't know we could do maybe's.

It is.

I didn't know we could do maybe dates.

Maybe.

No, go to vosros.com, too.

Vosroast.com.

Go to Vosroast.com, you fucking pieces of shit.

I wrote a couple jokes for that.

You'll see a couple of your boys.

Who would you write for?

Oh, Bobby Kelly?

I wrote a coke for Bobby and None of Zero Rolls.

None of Zero.

A lot of my jokes were used.

Fuck you, Nick.

None of his jokes were ever.

Did you write any jokes for that for him?

For the Voss Rose?

No.

Yeah.

No, I was busy writing for

Pay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not cheeseburgers and wings, which is

the currency Bobby pays in.

Yeah, I was.

He gives you Titos and Soda, as promised.

I was busy at the Pulitzer Prize Awards winning every category.

Whoa, whoa.

Best male writer.

No, there's best writer and then best directress.

Writress.

That is so fucking fun.

I'm a rightress.

Yeah.

Rightress directress.

Yeah,

it's a Chinese woman that serves people food.

Yeah, I'm a rightress.

I'm a rightress at the restaurant.

An award-winning rightress.

Well, that's it for today.

Bye, guys.

Should you go see Funny Moms second and fourth Mondays?

All right, bye.

Bye-bye.

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