Ep. 132 – Red Dead is cancelled

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That's right, it is little.

And by little,

but it's just little up front, and then in the back, it gets really wide.

How's that work?

It's like an asshole.

I mean most of the entryways is very small.

It's small.

It's very spacious.

So me and my friends hold him down and we fuck his ass

and we breach the little part

and then we fuck the main part inside.

What is this big?

It's like sort of David Attenborough doing it.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know, man.

Radio show called Pussy Radio.

Yeah,

he's describing all the types of pussy.

I thought everyone would kind of jump in faster.

Yeah, no, I'm not back on Twitter.

I was trying to find that song.

Everybody get my get my penis.

Everybody having gay ass sex.

Everybody get my penis.

Gay ass sex.

Everybody get your penis.

What's going on, man?

You can't figure it out.

There we go.

I can't get these wires.

Too many fucking wires.

I got my damn tubes tied over here um we um a really good we did a really good joke well i think we should re-say it for the pod what's that you said it where it was uh what was it called reiner oh yeah oh more like carl diner and they only serve one thing it's my dick and his old ass

yeah but i don't remember i know it really got us listening i know that i know that it would have been better but it had to be saved for for the record for posterity's sake.

I guess, you know, nothing can be for us.

No.

I swear to God, I didn't stop him because it didn't make sense, but I swear to God, I saw Christopher walking in the Newark airport.

How'd he look?

Like, shit.

Yeah.

Damn, my man's flying into Newark.

I mean,

I guess it could have been just an old man who lives in Newark.

It could have been.

That is a high probability.

That is a very,

I mean, it looked exactly like that's so cool.

The king.

In the actual charge.

Beautiful day here in Newark.

Yeah, I guess that character mostly is Chris Berwatin's boys.

Yeah, yes.

I was wondering if anywhere here in Newark there was a place to acquire

gay sex.

I wanted to know if a fellow like me could perhaps make an acquaintance with another wise guy

and spend some time with him.

Maybe in a bathroom, perhaps.

I haven't done walking in forever.

He's hard to get into.

Is that what you call gay guys?

What gay guys call each other, wise guys?

You know, it's a thing we call each other.

It's part of a family.

It's part of a family.

This thing of ours.

Yeah, this thing of ours.

When you're in the life.

You see,

a gay man has 472 tails.

A woman has 16.

A gay man has 472.

The Sicilians are born faggots.

A Sicilian can always tell another gay man.

Wait, is that his line?

I don't remember that movie.

Yeah, he goes, and then the Sicilians are born liars.

He goes, every man has 28 toes.

Women have, you know, 25.

Man has 22.

Whatever.

Is it just Catch Me If You Can?

No, it's true romance.

Catch Me If You Can.

Yeah.

Well, he wasn't.

You want a Chesterfield?

He offers him a chest.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

Yeah.

And then Dennis Hopper drops a lot of of end bombs.

Yeah, that was written by Tarantino, right?

But he didn't direct it.

No, you're part eggplant.

Yeah.

Mooly.

You're part eggplant.

I can't do Dennis Hopper.

I can barely do walking anymore.

No, that was pretty good, dude.

Yeah, but I mean, everyone used to do walking, so it was a guy you just didn't do.

You know, two mice.

I can't do it.

A duck walks into a bar.

He says, put it on my bill.

That's.

I thought there was more.

I don't know.

No, no, that's the

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

Blast from Bill Pass.

There's one thing I love.

It's hot Dr.

Pepper.

I kept this gold watch on my ass

for four years.

Shouts out.

Young Christopher Walken looked like Angelique and Jolie.

You guys seen that meme?

Beautiful day here in the Newark.

Was he in Deer Hunter?

He was, but I'm talking even younger.

I thought that was like one of his first things.

Yeah, but I'm talking talking younger.

Oh, like before he was.

I originally wrote the script for Deer Hunter.

It was called Deer Humper, and it was about a man who has sex with deers

in Russian, Pennsylvania.

She was like, what's her name?

Meryl was looking like a dime back then, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When she was married to Fredo.

Meryl could get sliced up back then.

Oh, absolutely.

I would love to just take a hunting katana right now.

Litter.

Slash her fucking face up.

just punching her wildly in the chest.

Yeah, and this all means sex, by the way.

This doesn't mean I just want to mean wild

sex.

I thought that's what you mean.

Just fucking her and just fucking wham, just feeling the hilt of like a big hunting knife just fucking smack against her sternum as I sink that blade right into her fucking.

Wow.

And we're talking about it.

We're talking about

stabbing sex.

I just like it.

It just feels,

it just makes the sex better.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Everybody get your penis heart.

Everybody get your penis heart.

Yeah.

Too bad Fredo died of

bone cancer.

Yeah, that sucks.

Who was that?

Cavalli, John Cavalli, was that actor's name?

Yeah.

In the

four legendary roles.

John Cavassier.

John Cavasier.

Meant forehead himself.

Yeah, you got his forehead.

The last thing he did before he died, invented the drink Cavasier.

And his legacy lives on to this day.

Did white people ever buy that drink?

Was that ever for white people?

Probably like

the 40s, maybe

1920s or something.

What about Hennessy?

Do you think white people were ever into that?

Yeah.

You think so?

Mm-hmm.

What about Grand Marnier?

Oh, white people are still into that today.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I only associate that with Tony Woods because he used to get shots of orange liqueur.

Shouts out to Tony Woods.

The legend.

Shit.

I forgot what fucking reads we're supposed to do.

I thought I had them all marked down.

Take your time, pal.

It's fine.

In the meantime, I'll tell everybody about I made a big-ass chili on,

what was it, Sunday?

You guys ever make a chili?

It's therapeutic, dude.

Do you have a slow cooker?

You got one of them Instapots?

I do not.

Everyone's talking about them.

Fuck that shit.

My shit goes on a pot and I simmer that motherfucker.

You just do it on the stove.

As God motherfucking intended.

Exactly.

Old school style.

But the problem is I've been eating chili now for four days in a row.

And my ass is a fucking, is a casualty of that decision.

Is there a food that really tears up your ass cheeks?

Plenty.

Plenty of food.

Yeah.

Lots of different foods.

And other substances.

I think I have hemorrhoids, by the way.

I didn't know what they were, but my asshole is.

It's like a lump on your asshole or something.

Is that what it is?

I think so.

That's all it is.

I thought it was.

I think it's from sitting in the toilet too long yeah and then you got to get like one of those rings because your boy just can i be honest with you i love setting up shop in the toilet i like doing a 90 10 you know 10

90 i got a whole rig in there i've been i got sim city going on yeah i noticed that you had it we had one of those uh i i max with the the clear blue

stuff i got a whole thing that swivels down i've got three monitors yeah i get all my cities set up that's you do a lot of crypto in there i do a lot of sim city just sim city yeah i'm the mayor of yeah

a fictional town.

And he's got three different cities going on each screen.

Three different kinds of one of them modeled after Nolins.

Nolins, Louisiana.

Nolins, Maryland.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Right on the water.

Beautiful Essex.

New Orleans, Maryland.

It's completely landlocked.

First building was in 1983.

Post office.

We quickly built a blockbuster video.

We should buy waterfront property in Essex.

Yeah.

And open the Big Easy Cafe.

Yeah.

And do a New Orleans-themed bar

in southeastern Baltimore County.

Yeah.

Bordering Dundalk and the water.

That would be great, dude.

What water is it?

The Chesapeake Bay?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Nobody knows.

Actually, it's actually an interesting piece of trivia.

No one knows any of the names of the body of waters in Maryland.

They've never been named.

Really?

Yeah.

It's just called.

No, it's just called the ocean.

Yeah, Danny Ocean.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll step down the ocean.

I'll put my foot in an ocean pond.

They call it even any body water.

A swimming pool.

That's the ocean.

Yeah, I'll pull it up.

Yeah, they got too much chlorine in this little piece of the ocean

in my backyard over here.

There's a stick on the sink, and then the ocean is in the ocean.

Now there's the ocean in the sink.

Yeah, why are they selling bottles of ocean out in war?

Why is the skink got an ocean?

Somebody made a sink.

The ocean is the zinc.

Yeah, the zinc.

The skink got an ocean.

Yo, this fucking ocean tastes fucking weird, yo.

Yeah, do you have any, what's that

shit?

It's like the brown ocean.

Oh, you mean Coca-Cola?

That's what I wanted.

This brown ocean is sweet.

I hate regular ocean.

It doesn't taste like anything, yo.

Regular ocean.

Disgusting.

Oh, you mean Coca-Cola?

Yeah, that's what I was talking about.

Yeah, give me you four Coca-Cola.

Yeah, yeah.

Damn, you're smart as fuck.

Damn, you're sexy.

Damn.

Yeah, I love a smart woman.

I love a smart woman.

What are you like, 27?

I'm 61.

Yeah, you seem about in that window.

Yeah, right between 20 and 60.

You got that 20,

20,

62-year-old vibe on you.

Yeah, so anyway, do you want to go into my Chevy Cavalier in the backseat and have sex?

Damn, you're pussy making so much ocean.

Oh, sorry.

I have to always do the ocean on the girl's face after I have sex with them.

Sorry, I got white ocean

all over your Raven shirt.

Your Raven Super Bowl champion

shirt that you are wearing.

I see now entirely as a dress.

You cinched it with a belt in the middle.

You thought that that was not a shirt, but an entire dress to wear out of your house

with slippers you stole from the comfort in.

Oh, God.

Yeah, that's true.

That's a very little known fact about Baltimore, but they're all ocean.

Everyone calls every piece of water the ocean.

All water.

Any kind of ocean.

Ah, damn, dude.

So are we moving?

What are we doing, Nick?

What do you mean?

The operation.

Oh, yeah.

We're moving.

The operation's moving to Maryland.

I have my brief period of trying out cryptocurrencies, day trading.

Didn't really work out.

It's over.

Lost $60,000.

That happens.

That happens.

You lose two down payments on a shitty house on an app on your phone.

The same way.

Doing the same sensation you get while checking Twitter.

Somehow you're down 60K.

just four college state school educations,

more money than I've made in

the entirety of my life prior to the five

in a matter of days.

Well, I think before we move, we should wait for the next real tip in the event.

Oh, it's happening.

If you don't want to buy something and then have everything fall.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Fuck Fuck you.

Sounds like a ring.

Shut up.

Fuck you, bitch.

Anyways, I'm buying a house down there, and then I'm going to turn the basement into a studio, and then we're going to start doing the podcast down there.

Band bands, too.

We'll have bands practice.

We'll have band practice.

We're going to have to.

We're going to have good Charlotte.

We're going to move Dasha first.

Dasha can come live in with me in my place.

And then once.

Well, I just want to make sure she's comfortable.

Yeah.

The transition will be the hardest for her.

Yeah.

I don't know if she's a Baltimore.

Oh, she'll be.

Oh, she'll be.

She'll be taken care of.

I don't get it.

Believe me, she'll be taken care of.

She'll be taken care of down there.

Don't you worry about that.

She's got my back from my

real nice time down there.

Why do you smell like the ocean?

Adam.

This is

looking at me.

It's a rude bit about my girlfriend cheating on me with you.

Stop looking at me.

We can say with who, man.

We just said she'll be taking care of me.

She just said she'll be taking care of me.

We said she was going to cheat on me.

Yeah, dude.

We said we were just going to take her out to launch house.

I saw you implied.

She an impression on her face.

No, we were saying she could use the podcast studio and that we'd take her to the beach.

Yeah, dude.

Ocean City, dude.

Ocean City.

I know what goes on.

God, man, you are so insecure.

Yeah, dude.

This kind of says more about you than it does us.

You know what it's what this is.

Yeah,

literally, it's like, hey, how's your girlfriend doing?

You're like, why are you trying to fuck her?

Yeah, dude, we want her to go.

Because we know know she doesn't want to move to baltimore so we're going to make her very comfortable guys we don't want her to associate the negative aspects of like the first parts of a move this is my assault issue my assault week okay and i would appreciate a little bit more respect around just for the week i told you we're not talking about that on the show yeah we don't have to talk about it but it is my assault week so it's like my birthday all right adam got a little a little too questiony with me

about my dealings with a certain girlfriend.

Adam just kept trying to congratulate him.

Adam kept asking to get his share of an abusive religion.

Adam kept.

See, the thing is, Nick's been garnishing Adam's wages.

He keeps saying he's going to pay him.

Adam hasn't seen a dime of the podcast.

Yeah, but it's all about making connections.

Exactly.

So you just kept asking to get your money.

So the resume.

You know, we had to introduce you to the boot, Mr.

Boot.

There are plenty of things on this show that have made me completely unemployable for any other career field.

Yeah, you're making connections in media.

Yeah.

But

I'm trying to make some connections with, you know, just with you guys as friends.

Of course.

I was thinking the other day, though, because, you know, I always try and find the funniest ways to blow the podcast money.

And literally just giving it away to a Chinese businessman.

I mean, that's owns.

That's so much better than a racing wheel.

No, I have.

I mean, who do you think takes that money when you lose it?

Oh, true.

You're right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

that's

the file special tax forms with the irs because they lost a bunch of money to china

yeah it looks like you're just laundering money for the chinese you lost so much of it

it looks like some complex like money laundering no one's this bad at trading it looks like yeah it looks like you're 60k into the fucking chinese mafia you're right

Yeah, which, but, you know, to be fair, is like the most like, you know, look, broke just doing a socialist podcast and saying you care, woke.

Now that I'm back on Twitter, I'm hurting this meme.

Woke, literally just shoveling money into the People's Republic of China.

Yeah,

yeah, next up, DPRK.

That's kind of also hedging our bets for when they delicious pussy.

How about edging your

edging your bets?

Yeah, that's when you're losing money, but you're beating off.

Watch out.

Yeah, and not coming.

And not coming.

You're a pay pig to yourself.

Oh, that's hot.

There's no dumb bitch could could satisfy me the way I need to lose money.

That's right.

What, you think some white woman can spend $60,000 on shoes?

The Chinese need that for rockets.

That's real Fin Dom.

That's right.

That's real FinDom.

It's like giving money to a girlfriend.

Why don't you step out of the way, you fucking sissy ass, low-tier pay pigs, and watch me become a sex slave to the entire nation of China people to look exactly the same.

Using Nick's money to put up suicide nets around their buildings.

Yeah.

Well, suicide fish nets.

A little dominant tricks.

I love that.

I like that.

That gets me hard.

I'm jacking up.

I love the idea of a Chinese woman jumping out of the Foxconn factory into that net, and it stretches over her legs and she sinks down almost to the ground underneath, just enough for me to quickly taste her pussy before she bunges

before she bungees all the way back into her.

This is one giant ice cream ligand.

And then she's right back into the factory.

Before she has time to process it, she's just making other phones.

It hits her like six years later.

She sees someone in Fitz.

My pussy had been tasted.

Best seat in the house, pal.

Hell yeah.

Then they sell those

seats.

You get tickets to be the pussy taster.

Yeah, Foxconn's got a beautiful business model, man.

Are they going to be a business?

Not an ounce of fat, or did they stop that?

Were they going to go to Wisconsin?

Scott Walker made a deal with them or something.

That's awesome.

I don't really pay attention to shit anymore.

Anyway, yeah.

No, it's Foxconn considering iPhone factory in Vietnam.

Hell yeah, dude.

What happened with Wisconsin?

Hey, look, Vietnam is closer to Wisconsin than China is.

Before you look it up,

before you look it up, I don't think that's suck my dick.

If you're at home now

going, excuse me, but I won the map contest in fifth grade, and I know that that's wrong.

Remember to suck my dick.

Remember to give Nick Head.

Remember to suck my entire dick and don't ever correct me about the map.

I think Indochina is a cooler name than Vietnam.

Yeah.

The French had that right.

I'll give them that.

Yeah.

Indochina?

Yeah.

Yeah, like that.

That sounds like on that Indo.

Yeah.

Oh, this is

darko China.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is inside.

Deep-ass China.

Kazakhstan?

Oh, I think you mean chinko-Russia.

I think you mean it's kind of like a ching-chong-y Russia.

I think you mean, and the guy just hold his eyelids back, that kind of Russia.

There's no verbal word for it.

To pronounce our language, you would have to, and I don't know why Kazakhstan people talk like Africans.

Yes, but it reads.

You know, they probably got like clicks and whistles, but they hadn't just pulling their eyes back.

Yeah, pull your eyes back with a Russian accent.

Duh.

Yeah, yeah.

Duh.

Did you see when

they got mad about it?

And they were like, we're way more Chinese, actually.

We're being portrayed.

Yeah, I'm like, we like to do math.

We do math and we do not good it fuck.

Yeah.

Our dumplings.

We have dumplings, but they're filled with shit.

Yeah, real shit dumplings.

Actual dumplings.

Dumplings.

Oh.

That's where they get the name.

That's disgusting.

That would be horrible.

If you bite into a dumpling, it's just a fucking wet-ass turd.

And with your Chinese girlfriend, so you don't want to offend her?

Yeah, just some fucking white guy eating it for the first time.

He's like, um, I don't know if these are for me.

You just, you know,

you date a Chinese girl and you go meet her family, and you immediately start picking cat turds out of the litter box.

And you just look at her mom and be like, these are delicious.

Yeah, just try and take a bite out of their live pet.

Pet.

She just asks, thank you for having me over

putting your shoes in the cat's litter box and eating the cat's shit

and licking the cat's asshole.

Girlfriend's like, Mark, what are you doing?

They're like, I'm trying not to offend your mom.

I'm trying to be a good boyfriend.

Sorry, Mrs.

Lingling.

My name is Suzanne.

Yeah, yeah, but yeah, I was going to say, just name Jerry.

I'm from New Jersey.

I'm a fucking car salesman.

Yes.

Yeah, we're Hispanic.

There's Mexican people that look so good.

They do, man.

What the fuck is that?

They look sleepy.

They look Chinese.

There are like a lot of like...

But isn't that because of the land bridge?

Like, the Native American

population looks kind of Asian.

Yeah, they do.

They definitely do.

But some Hispanic people

straight look Chinese.

Yeah, I used to play soccer in Meridian Hill Park with a bunch of Mexican dudes.

And there was this one dude that looked totally Chinese.

And everyone would be like, Chino, and then they'd laugh at him.

It's awesome how racist every other.

Oh, I love that.

Hispanic guy that looks like a fat.

That's a hilarious guy, man.

Some Ching Steaks in Philadelphia.

Yep.

Just some guy who had eyes like that.

Yeah.

Is that it?

Legitimately, no drink.

Is it in English?

You fucking fucking.

No, no, no, no, no.

It was literally called Chingx Steaks.

Yeah, it was a place called Chink Stakes.

They changed their names to like Joe's or something in 2012.

Yeah.

Like way later than

Pats.

Yeah, they still have the website.

Yeah, Pats and Ginos are the two famous ones, but they have

selected

Ginos.

It's Philadelphia.

Yeah, they're both.

You got to get a license, a business license, you have to be racist.

Chinkssteaks.com.

There's that dead rapper, R.I.P.

Chinks Drugs.

Great, good guy.

Do you remember that rapper, Jin?

The agent?

Of course.

Your girlfriend had my dumplings and my aggro in her mouth.

Do you remember the Punjabi MC?

I need the boogie in the mouth again.

I ain't gonna suck my fucking penis.

I'm a fucking gig.

I'm gonna suck my fucking dick.

Yeah, I love that song.

You go to chinkstakes.com.

And then it just says, like, what makes Philadelphia great.

Yeah, I think someone just bought it.

Yeah.

It doesn't look like a it doesn't it looks like just somebody bought the website.

Maybe.

And is it?

It was chinksteaks until

yeah.

Take that racist Eda Joe's, formerly chink steaks, blog.angryasianman.com.

Yeah, I mean, it shouldn't be called that.

That's a wild thing for a fucking business to be called.

That's my favorite type of online activism:

Asian American Pacific Islander guys.

Woke guys?

The Asians that are angry?

Like the Spanish.

Yeah, like that poet that got mad at you.

Oh, yeah, the poet.

The slam poet.

Yeah.

Wanted me to be thrown in jail for making fun of Chinese New Year.

Well, he's from Singapore, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We're like,

cussing is illegal or whatever.

Yeah.

How about sing a pour your mom's pussy all over my thing?

Yeah, come over here.

Why don't you come pour that pussy?

Why don't you sing a song about my dick getting fucked by your dad's mouth?

That guy from four years ago.

A lot of those guys, my dick.

A lot of those guys used to say the N-word six years ago.

And a lot of them still do.

My favorite was that bitch, Claudia.

Do you remember her literal porn?

No.

She like,

she sounds cool.

She was like a Korean bitch.

She made her name literal porn because she didn't know that literal wasn't a synonym with literary.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, so it was like

literal.

She meant like word porn.

Oh.

I think.

It's brutal.

Yeah, her bio was like a writer.

The fuck you pay me kind.

And then it's like there's zero evidence of her being a writer.

Right, right, right.

I think she wrote like one thing about going to a barbecue restaurant and how it was like these mayo-ass white people, you know, and

then the barbecue was fine.

You know, it was like essentially a Yelp review that they just let a Chinese woman or a whatever woman publish.

Claudia is a hot name, I will say.

Yeah, well, anyways, she turned out, my favorite part about literal porn is the writing thing didn't work out, so eventually she just became a cam girl.

So she ended up doing literal porn.

That's fucking awesome.

But she was like an online woke person.

Yeah.

A lot of those girls will do that shit, though.

Yeah, but like the N-word usy kind.

Like an Asian girl that's like, you know, like fucking crack at, you know, like...

Oh, she was like,

did Aquafina ever say the N-bomb?

Now she's famous as shit.

Now she's...

It feels like she must have at some point.

She said it in Ocean's 8.

Or scene with Rihanna.

Yeah.

It was pretty fucked up.

Dude, I went to that movie in the theaters with Dosh.

Yeah, it was during the movie past Hey Day with

any piece of movie.

This is great.

If you Google literal porn, because I always want to see what Claudio was up to, the first thing that comes up is Inside Amy Schumer writer, Kurt Metzger harasses Twitter personality, literal porn.

And then

right underneath the headline is just a pull quote from Kurt that says, I'm sorry a white man didn't tip you for anal.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Was she a prostitute?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

Now, when you say she did literal porn, is there any evidence of that on the internet?

Oh, she's on Mastodon?

Isn't that the racist one?

What's that?

Nothing.

I'm just looking.

Oh, she's on Mastodon?

No, it might be just somebody.

Mastodon?

Isn't that a metal band?

Yeah, they fucking rock, bro.

Yeah.

Adam, you're not allowed to listen to metal.

I know.

I'm gay.

Let me know whenever I'm allowed to.

I'm ready.

What did you do?

Wait, I didn't even realize.

Didn't you think Ocean's 8 was going to be a fucking jam?

That must have been a horrible movie because it felt like she's got shit.

Here's the SoundCloud.

OG boss bitch with dollar signs, writer, sociologist with dollar signs.

Sociologist.

Yeah, strategist with dollar signs, girl rap, boss.

She's a strategist.

And sex jams.

enthusiast.

I like sex jams.

Was she funny?

Did she have like ironically funny posts?

No, No, it was one of those people that was like, because it was early on in the woke days.

I mean, I became aware of her because she went after me for the Chinese New Year thing.

It was like, maybe it was that or something else.

I don't know.

I mean, Asia, it was funny because it was early on in when Twitter was just really becoming like a fucking mess.

Yeah.

And

yeah, like Asians were mad at me.

And it was like, and at the time I didn't understand it because it was like,

you're Asian, you know?

You know what I mean?

I know that sounds ridiculous now, but

like,

how dare you make fun of Chinese New Year?

Well, it's not like you were like,

who gives a shit about fucking Chinese New Year?

Yeah, it's like it was literally the same as if like an Italian was like, you fucking making fun of Columbus?

You know, like, I don't fucking care.

In those days, I think that was pretty son.

That was pretty similar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I mean,

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people he wasn't Chinese

or something like that.

I don't know what the expression is.

Oh, hell yeah.

They bootwinked all of us.

You heard it here first, folks.

Satan is a Chinese person.

Satan is Chinese.

Dude, of course.

Satan.

Yep.

Oh, no, no, no, it's me.

Of course.

That makes so much sense.

Absolutely, dude.

Yeah, he's red from drinking.

Yeah, he's drunk.

He's fucked up.

He's drunk.

He's completely amoral.

Yeah.

Ruthless.

He's got a big fork.

He uses to crack turtles.

He's red from communism and drinking.

He's to kill turtles.

He's surrounded by demons.

Yep.

What else?

What are other things we can come up with?

He's got a tail.

As professional comedians.

Of how Satan could be Chinese.

Yeah, how could Satan be Chinese?

He lives in a little fucked up basement.

Well, hell is kind of like a sweatshop, maybe.

Exactly.

Right?

So everyone's just for all eternity making iPhones.

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remember this so easy to remember b

e t extraterrestrial b e t d s nintendo d s

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Yeah, or Black E.T.

Black E.

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That's what I thought that channel stood for.

You could also bet on what race E.T.

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Man, I've been watching Black E.T.

for like nine hours ain't a single motherfucking Black E.T.

music videos, man.

What if E.T.

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Wasn't he like green?

No, I think he was like shriveled.

Isn't Black E.T.

just Yoda?

Yeah, I think so.

Somewhat no.

No, Yoda was Jewish.

That's why he talked like that.

Yeah, that's why you try to use it.

You can win all the good characters for yourself.

He's black, man.

No, he talked.

He did that switching.

The switching, the words.

Code switching.

No, he was like.

For his job.

Lightsaber you want.

You know, he says shit like that.

Yeah, that's true.

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Does any what the fuck?

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How about that?

Yeah, that's hard.

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Who's ready for the fucking holidays?

Hillary is kind of like the Mrs.

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She is remember to slay

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Take the Ravens.

Fuck the Chiefs.

The Ravens are hot.

Fuck the three Chiefs.

Fuck the three straight.

That's right.

What Nick said.

Fuck those Native American

shit.

They got that running back that hits women.

Fuck him.

He fucking dropped

a bitch in the face.

No, but he learned his lesson

by playing more football.

No.

We at the NFL believe that this man should rehabilitate himself by continuing to play football and earn us millions of dollars.

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The only book I love more than the sports books.

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We read the good book.

The Lord's book.

The jungle book, which I was joking last week.

It's just a.

No, whatever it was, no.

Okay.

I remember that one.

Yeah, yeah.

From the group text.

Well, yeah.

It's a guy teaching him how to teaching himself.

Man, that man taught himself how to fucking prison.

Oh, yeah, that was.

Yeah, he's just reading the jungle book, but it's pictures of

just like tiger print, panties pulled aside, just a big purple pussy.

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Honestly, not as bad as it could have been.

With the setup of the jungle book.

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Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Zachamiko.

Zachamiko.

They call him a faggot.

Congrats to Zach getting engaged.

Oh, yeah.

Congrats to Zach for getting engaged.

To a woman?

Yeah.

Good for you.

Yeah, to Dasha.

My girlfriend.

Yeah, you said.

He asked first.

He's like, Adam, shit or get off the pot.

He's like, Adam, I'm getting married to a clown that might be a woman.

What a hilarious.

I would love to see Zach Amiko and Dasha hang out for an hour.

She couldn't do it.

She couldn't handle it.

Have you seen any of the Troma movies?

Yeah, I guess so.

He says it's so goddamn.

He says the N-word quite a bit.

That's why they call him the sniper, baby.

How else do you get that nice?

What a nickname sniper would do.

Yeah, just hang out in a room, in a completely safe room, a million miles away from black people, and just broadcast it to them through like a scope.

Zach Miko, they call it

powerless.

There's a black guy just minding his business in the Bronx, and he just hears someone calling him the N-word, and he's like, What the fuck?

Yeah,

he's covered in chemicals.

Some sort of like

a mindful megaphone.

It's got a scope on it, so he can look all the way to the Bronx.

And he just says the N-worder guy.

He's like, Why am I hearing the N-word?

Nice job, Doggy.

It's John.

Donkey, you got him.

Oh, Lewis is so stupid.

Oh, shots, dude.

Yeah.

We're going to have Lewis on tomorrow.

I can't wait.

I'm going to MMA him, dude, the second I see him.

We should actually have Lewis on.

Is Lewis on our show tomorrow?

No,

we haven't booked anyone.

We should get him.

I don't know.

That would be fun.

I owe people money.

We might have a special.

You owe money.

Other people have done this show.

I saw them.

I got like a backed-up.

I just paid Greg Stone.

I got to pay Anthony.

I got to pay Ian.

I got to pay Bonnie.

That's right, because here at Cometown, we pay our guests because we're the only true

journalists.

We're socialists.

We're the socialist journalist podcast.

Yeah, we're socialist journalists.

We're from that one socialist magazine.

What's it called?

Jacobin.

Jacobin.

Jack Offben.

It's named after Jacobin.

Yeah, I've got a website called jackoffbin.com.

I love that.

Uh-huh.

It's a garbage.

There's pictures of Angela, beautiful Angela.

Well, Angela Washington.

No, no, no.

Angela.

Nagela.

Yeah, I didn't want to say her last name, but because it's too close to that other word.

Yeah, because

I consider it.

Any word that starts with N and has a G in it somewhere, you won't say.

Yeah.

Everyone hates her.

But that's why people are mad at her, right?

No, they're mad at her for writing an article or something.

Oh, I thought it could.

It's because her last name was racist.

That's

more

than that.

She went on Tucker Carlson's show, so people are mad at her.

Tucker Carlson, that guy is a fucking loser-ass bitch.

Tucker Carlson would be a good name for like a drag queen.

Absolutely.

It's about you putting your dick away.

Yeah, yeah.

That's good.

Tucker Carlsbad.

But didn't Tucker Carlson do name?

Tucker from Callie, bitch.

Tucker Carlsbad.

Yeah.

He's from Carolsbat, California.

He's a big dude with a bow tie.

Just huge tits.

He's had a good career act, too, because he was just like some

pro-name conservative from CNN.

Then he got a shit rock, then he got a shit rocked by Jon Stewart.

Dude, that fucking

sketch is so goddamn funny.

Harry Belafonte.

Welcome.

Welcome.

Welcome.

What are you?

Some kind of slave master?

That's Tracy Worth.

Yeah.

I'm going to say something a lot of people are afraid to say, Chris.

Osama bin Laden is an Uncle Tom.

Jesus Christ.

I don't even know who should be offended by that.

Why would we be watching that?

Because

we were in Cleveland the night McCain died.

Oh, right.

That was so funny.

McCain hosting SNL.

That's right.

So fucking twisted.

They were honoring all the McCain sketches.

That was really fucking funny.

Yeah, we were gone off those hats.

HWA is dead.

I can't really.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

My man.

I'm up in heaven having gay sex with Michelle Obama.

You think he's eating his wife's old-ass pussy?

No, she's cheating on him already.

She started cheating in that month.

Joe DiMaggio put a baseball bat in her pussy.

It was so funny.

He's like punching her in the face.

He died.

He died, and everyone was like,

it was almost like someone was like, and action.

And then then everybody, like, it's like exactly the predictable people were like, honor the man.

You know, like, no, and the other people were like, hell yeah, war criminal.

You know, and it's like

he was 90

million years old.

You didn't own him.

Right.

You know, nobody owned him, but it's like, you're not, like, really pointing anything out.

It really is every single time the same thing.

It's the same shit every time.

That's why I had a good take where I was like,

read my lips.

My dick is small.

Read my pussy lips.

No new bathrooms.

That's good.

But the best part, obviously, was that Hitler girl, that tweet that girl said she would be sad.

That was awesome.

That was fucking unbelievable.

I mean, so, you know, sometimes

you have the same discourse, but you get a new beautiful rose growing up.

That woman is marriage material.

Would you marry her?

That's a woman that will defend you no matter what you do.

If she has an opinion on something, it's sticking.

You can rape an entire elementary.

She's like, I don't care what you said, my mother died.

Good for her.

A lot of these cucks wouldn't understand that.

How do you feel about your boy Jeffrey Epstein being back in the news now?

He's not back in the news.

There was that huge Miami Herald thing, and people were like,

like, here's we go.

Final nail in the coffin for Trump.

And then they quickly realized that, like, I saw a lot of people.

I saw a lot of like

strange how all the Pizzagate people didn't mention this guy, and it's like, no, he was a huge part of Pizzagate.

He was brought up fucking constantly, and you didn't give a shit.

Yeah, but he wasn't linked to Trump, he wasn't linked to Trump at the time.

No, I mean, yeah, no, people would mention that Trump flew on the plane,

but like my man straight up just had a plane where you fucked children, yeah.

And yeah,

what the fuck?

No, no, it was an island.

As much as people want to make the Epstein thing a Trump thing, it's like way more a Dershowitz-Clinton thing.

It's an all-of-themed thing.

It's an all-of-theming thing, yes.

All these elites fucking suck, but they're not going to throw their boy under the bus.

Sure.

They don't care.

Well, and it's also that the Secretary of Labor cut a deal with him that involved getting every one of those powerful men off and then him serving, what, like 11 months in jail.

Not even in jail.

He was like in a house arrest.

He got to go to work.

Yeah.

He got to go to work like five days a week.

Yeah.

From jail.

And didn't Dershowitz say he got a massage from an old Russian bitch at his place?

Well, or something.

You were there when those guys told me.

Okay, well, I didn't want to ask you.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I mean,

now we can't tell the story.

God damn it.

I think we did tell it on the live show.

You're supposed to be a fucking lawyer.

Come on.

That's why we have you on the show.

I didn't go to law school to indemnify us by taking full responsibility for anything said on the show.

Allegedly.

Legally binding.

Copyright.

Legally, Adam is going to

be anything.

Legally, Adam is responsible for all the content said on the bottom of the list.

I am a performer, and all of my lines are written by Adam Figueroa, the writer of Come Town.

That's right.

It's like Sakashi 6-9 in his songs.

He was like a million.

It's a millennial Jews version of self-deprecating comedy.

It's an anti-Semite and a fad Greek retard belittling him in a podcast.

Adam's written every episode of the show.

Of course, I have.

He owns all the royalties.

He's just like rich as shit.

It's a writer's room of 11 women of color in me.

And I've written every single insult.

Yeah.

That's just how it works.

Head writer Ashashi Sha Cha Chun Che.

She just puts ink on her braid, dips her braids in ink, and then just shakes her head listening to Macy Gray and then the big girls that we read on the show.

Macy Gray.

I try to say goodbye, but I'm gay.

I try to fuck a woman, but I'm gay.

I try to hide it.

I'm gay.

Oh, shit.

Everybody knows I'm gay.

My cock gets hard when I see a man's ass.

Well,

speaking of your cock getting hard, if your cock doesn't get hard,

have I got news for you?

Oh, fuck.

There's a new website.

It's still going.

Are we good?

Yeah, we're still good.

There's a new website now.

It's not so new after all.

It's called BlueChew.com.

Salud.

And what they do is, is they sell special medicine, wink, wink.

Winky winky, baby.

Legitimate

fuck.

Look, it's a dick pill website.

They get your fucking cock plump as shit, pal.

Yeah.

No,

you may have noticed that I'm like, I sound stuffed up on the show, and it's because I'm actually high on dick pills.

That's right, Nick snorts them.

Yeah, I get fucked up on dick pills.

No, goddammit.

Where the fuck is the goddamn copy?

Bluechew.com is a dick pill website that both me and Stop personally use.

We literally do.

We literally do use this website to get fucking free dick pills.

You just fill out a simple form, and they send you in discreet packaging, which is labeled custom medicine.

No one knows what it is.

It's still funny.

Yeah, it's still very funny to me.

Just type by the mailman from across the street being like, oh, Mr.

Mullen, your custom medicine.

It's only coming to like us and like old men.

Your box of custom medicine.

You know, the one kind of medicine you'd be embarrassed to get.

That's the kind coming to you.

Here's the thing.

I don't give a fuck, dude.

Write cock pills

shouted from the rooftop.

I would prefer to say blue chew on there because I want people to know how well these fucking dick pills work.

You know,

they're so good.

I feel like a 15-year-old boy again.

I'm going around stealing things,

you know, acting like a wigger.

Yeah,

wearing 3XL tall tees.

Wearing 3XL tall tees.

Telling your mom she's gay.

Yeah, calling my mom the N-word.

Playing Everybody in the Club Getting Tipsy by, what the fuck was that guy's name?

Shit.

Fuck.

One.

Jaquan.

Yes.

Yeah.

One hit wonder Jaquan.

Yeah.

Also, Chingy.

Ho, tell, ho, tell.

For being racist.

What?

Anyway, yeah, so we're doing 15 year old.

Our dicks are 15 years old and our brains are 15 years old.

Dude, it's making me smarter by making me dumber.

So true.

If you know what I mean.

A lot of ways that's the prescribed online.

So these are real prescription pills.

Real doctors.

This isn't some gas station bullshit.

It's not horrible.

This isn't Stree Overlord.

Yeah, it's like Tadophil or

it's the active ingredients of Seattle's and Viagra.

You choose what's best for you.

Tilatidophilophil or something.

Tenzilophile or

the other one.

Yeah, I don't know what the other one's called.

Infenzinit.

Infant.

Infancy Pianus.

Good afternoon.

My name is Infantilit Pianis.

All the way from the Italian community.

Yeah, that's the closest that guy could get to an Italian name, Infancient Pianis.

Infancillit Pianus.

You're translating my name in your brains.

Stop it right now.

Please.

It means baby P.

Yes, of course it does.

Anyways, yeah, the same active ingredient as Viagra and Cialis.

The chewables, so they work faster.

They work faster, your cock will get hard and flickery split.

You know, I would be lying if I told you I didn't accidentally eat too many of them because I didn't feel like going to the bodega to get candy.

That's right.

Yep.

Nick's cock is poking Adam in the eye right now.

Right.

I've had too much of my custom medicine.

Sorry.

I have a headache from eating too much custom medicine.

If you see a man whose head hurts and he's just hard in sweatpants, he's OD'd on custom medicine.

Yeah.

I'm going to start a website called The Custom Gentleman, and I wear a tuxedo top.

And I'm just, my eyes are swollen shut from overdosing on custom medicine.

And I got got a pair of sweatpants.

Just gray sweatpants.

Yeah.

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I mean, finish the reading, then I'll tell the story.

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So if you want to bring jobs back from those bastard Chinese

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Oh, I don't know about all that, but

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calling Chinese people people dicks in the middle of a pay-down.

Come on, dude.

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Be like us.

You want to be our friends?

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You want to pretend like we're friends with you?

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Do not show up to the dojo, the Burt Kreischer man-hole podcast dojo for awesome radical dudes that do beer together.

I love doing that.

Without your dick completely harsh.

Hard

party guy.

You want to be in the chimp zone?

Joe Rogan's chimp zone?

No, I don't know about that one, man.

I don't know.

You want to be one of

Mark Marin's.

What the Jews?

Something with the Israelites.

What the kikes?

Listen, what the what

Mark?

He just starts doing what he says.

What is a drop that he just says?

What's up, what the fuck, sticks?

What the fuck, Eureka?

What the fuck, Mulan Yanni?

Mark.

The fucking WAPs.

The gooks, the specs.

Scum of the earth.

Spooks, spics, guineas, wops, faggots, chinks.

Please finish the read, man.

We're going to lose this slur.

No, we're not.

No, we're not, dude.

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The point about getting your doctor to give you dick pills is when I was young and I just wanted I did just want a dick pill for like my cock.

No, no, I was fucking but I wanted to take my cock to the absolute next level.

Oh, okay.

It was functional, but I was like, What's I was like, I was like, Yeah, I read.

Um, I've been pissing too much, and I read on the internet that Seattle can help with that.

And it didn't work.

And he was like, Ah, fuck it, I'll give you a trial.

And I just had like these dick pills.

My friend David took his dad's Viagra out of sleep over when we were like 13.

Oh, nice, and he raped everyone.

He just had, like, we were just, he was just sitting there with like a really hard game.

And he started crying because

It was really funny.

Why did he do that?

Because it was like, we were like 13, dude.

None of us had even sniffed a pussy, but we all started jacking off around the same time.

Right.

And he wanted to be hard for when you all jacked off together.

He took one of my dad's dick pills and he's like, it's going to be so funny.

And then he just had a boner for eight hours.

And we were like, should we tell your parents?

He's like, don't fucking tell my parents.

Our dad's going to be so pissed.

And so funny.

That same kid,

we used to straight up up steal his dad's car, like his dad's Ford Expedition, when we were 14.

Nice.

We'd like to drive across town.

I think it's hilarious.

If his parents came in and saw him hard as shit and he didn't date Viagra, that just means he wanted to fuck all his friends.

That was a fun house.

Like, his parents would be in their bedroom.

We'd just like smell weed wafting out.

Hell yeah.

They used to have like parents' parties where like everyone would just get wasted.

My parents would be there.

Everyone was like blackout.

It was like a tea party.

It was like, like, no, but like, we'd be there as kids, but like, it was like seeing parents getting fucked up.

And

my dad, my dad.

Fucked one of your friends.

My dad told me when he was like blackout.

He's like, he's like, yeah, David's mom just told me she had laser hair removal on her pussy.

What the fuck?

Adam, I have great news.

David's mother has removed her

pussy is totally bald, Adam.

Just like yours.

He's like, they were smoking marijuana in the jacuzzi, and she told us about her laser hair removal of her

pussy.

Yeah, it was pretty interesting.

Did everybody get a taste?

I don't think everyone got a taste, but they actually...

That's gross, man.

Cover that shit up, man.

Cover up the pussy hole.

Cover up the hole.

Pussy hair is

in the back.

Yeah.

I love pussy hair.

I'm on the record.

Do you love it?

Yeah.

Yeah, not like a fucking Lanny Kravitz situation.

My thing is, I'm drinking girls' pee now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're talking a lot more about the chalice.

Well, it's just because I'm trying to, I want to figure out what the next move is.

You know, that's interesting.

Maybe I'm a master of timing the markets.

Of course.

So now I'm going to start preemptively drinking piss just so I can say I told you so.

That it was going to be the news.

And when Drake says something.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

And when it doesn't happen, I'm just standing there with piss all over my hands.

Your jowls covered in piss.

There's piss seeping out of my mouth, and I go, damn.

There's a Chinese guy smiling in the background.

We got him again.

We have got him a second time.

We did call it on the Chris Benwati.

And then what?

That Neil deGrasse Tyson.

He's a rapist.

He's a rapist.

So, you know.

You win some and you lose some.

Sometimes you call him right.

Yeah, I have insider information.

What?

Why are you laughing?

No reason.

Because all I said was insider information.

Yeah, I know.

And it's funny that you have that.

Yeah.

Where do you get it from?

All I'm saying is I have insider information.

What?

Why is that funny?

No, it's just funny that you claim to have insider information.

You're in the scientific community or something?

Like, from who?

Scientific community, yeah.

Scientists.

Scientists.

A member of the scientist.

Why is that funny?

It's not.

It's not funny, dude.

It's funny because you're dumb and you don't have to.

Yeah, we're laughing.

It's just I know something about that cyan tiss.

Yeah.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, that's pretty funny, dude.

What did he do for real?

Did he like put his fingers in someone's pussy?

That's really weird.

Like, he was shaking a woman's hand for too long.

What was that?

Is that right?

Or he hugged her for too long?

No, I read it and I just did a control F for creepy.

And as soon as I saw that, I was like, oh, he didn't do anything wrong.

What was it?

You sent it to us, right?

Creepy behavior.

And then it was like, there was one part in him where it was like, when she broke off the incredibly creepy and awkward handshake.

And it was like, this is bullshit.

Didn't he like ask to see someone's like tattoo on her?

No, she showed him a tattoo.

There's a picture of it happening.

Oh, nice.

She's showing him a tattoo of the solar system on her shoulder blade or whatever.

And he was like, oh, where's Pluto or whatever?

Which is like something you would do.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

I'm nowhere near as attractive as

DG, DGT.

I would not ask.

And double GT.

I would not ask to see Pluto on someone's tattoo.

Double G.

That's what he likes to be called.

No, he doesn't.

There's not

one Google Game.

Don't add G's.

That's Zocket.

He just likes to be called that.

He does not.

I enjoyed this one.

It was just about rape, racist.

I don't know.

Anyway.

I don't know.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't understand why.

He'll keep being funny to me until it's not a problem anymore.

What?

Racism or rape?

Yeah, until racism isn't.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I was remembering today?

That Larry said the N-word not on one episode of Curb, but on two episodes of Curb.

yeah.

Crazy ass kill app, crazy ass killer, and the one where he hears the guy say it, and then he repeats it to someone else, and they think that he said it, and then he says it in front of the judge again at the end of the episode.

That's pretty funny.

So, I guess you're saying it's if you can.

I guess he's canceled, yeah.

He's probably canceled.

It's it's funny, it would be funny to

doctor something Larry David said and throw that in there,

like edit it together that he's calling someone that.

Then we could cancel him.

Yeah.

How about Larry Gavid?

And it's an MP4 file.

And he's like, so

maybe I could see a penis?

Oh, yeah, you know.

I could take a look at it.

I don't know.

Yeah, that's good.

I like that.

I definitely like that a lot, actually.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I guess he just tried to see some woman's tattoo.

Also, like, what's he going to be fired from?

Memes?

Yeah, tweeting dumb shit about stars.

Sulu raped that guy or whatever he did.

He

drugged and groped some guy

and then denied it and then said it was Russian bots that was used.

Russian bots to cover up your gay rape as well.

I know, but it's like,

what happens to him?

They just don't tweet or retweet him anymore.

Yeah, but they still take away from him.

That's the thing, dude.

Memes are the most powerful.

Stealing memes apparently is the best job security.

Yeah.

My man just became rich off stealing people's jobs.

You guys love to have sex with men who are passed out.

I want to rape a man.

What I said was, is that when Donald Trump does it, it's bad.

But when I do it, it is ancient Japanese secret.

Shouts out to my man, George.

Raping and getting away with it.

Yeah.

There was a pretty good article in the New York Times yesterday.

Do you guys see that?

And you know what?

Let me retract that shout-out because I'm actually not a fan of people raping and getting away with it.

The New Pork Times.

A bunch of pigs.

Oh, that's good.

It's not me.

New Chinese.

Did you see

that girl in Stav

wearing a wig?

Did an article.

First of all, that's you and me, motherfucker.

You're even.

I don't know if she looks like me so much, but the other one is.

You literally look just like

that.

You guys look exactly the same as Eve Potter.

I think the other one looks like stopping.

You and Eve are identical twins.

You literally.

I wouldn't say that.

You guys could say.

She's taller.

She's about six inches taller.

She's taller.

You guys are in a remake of sister, sister.

Tia and Tamara Goldstein.

Yeah.

Sister, sister.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know how much I missed you.

I don't talk.

She's right.

I don't want to talk shit about her because she is a fellow stand-up comedian.

We shouldn't drag someone in our field.

Solidarity.

What the fuck was that article?

Have any of you ever heard of Alex Jones?

When he penetrated my kite cunt.

My red kike cunt.

That could be a line from you.

I can't believe she's stealing your bit, dude.

Yeah, that's my whole act.

I was thinking about buying a, they sell them on Amazon, but like a big pair of giant novelty scissors for when they open like a mall or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then then just keep tweeting at her, like, these are the scissors I'm going to use to kill you with.

And see if I get banned.

That'd be funny.

That'd be very funny.

It would be funny.

Wait, what?

Hilarious.

With to who?

Sorry, I was reading it.

To threaten to cut Eve's head off with a giant pair of scissors.

I must say, I don't exactly get the bit, but.

Well, it'd just be such funny, though.

It's such a funny, specific threat.

Oh, to cut them off with novelty scissors.

Yeah, but with a big pair of you know, the guys you open a...

Like a ribbon scissors.

Yeah, because they sell them on Amazon.

Yeah, and you know, the scissors, you couldn't technically actually do that.

They're not very strong scissors.

Yeah.

They're kind of patient.

All right, you know what I'm in?

For a mall.

Yeah, that'd be a good way.

Just to get banned again.

I tell you.

Have the police shut

down the podcast.

I mean, look, this is one of those things that I'll do, and then I regret doing it.

I'm like, why did I do it?

And then years later, I was like, oh, it was for the bid.

And then you're like, yeah, I guess it was pretty funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if I went to jail for threatening to kill somebody, oh my God, that would be incredible.

Threatening to kill somebody with Johnny.

I'm going to scissors.

If you're literally like in court.

And like, how do you plead?

Yeah, the scissors are tagged as evidence.

Prosecutors.

Someone has to hold it up in court.

Exhibit A.

You're just smiling in court.

You're laughing.

I'm testifying for the prosecution.

I'm pointing like that picture giant on snitch.

And he purchased the scissors and had them on his persons ready to use.

This was a deliberate act.

This was premeditated.

He intended to kill this woman with the giant scissors.

No, you'd have to get the high-pitched voice guy for making a murderer to put you behind that.

Is that that, or like some sort of functioning giant gun?

You know, like a revolver that was like six feet tall.

Yeah, like a gun.

Or a cannonball.

A cannon.

Shoot her point blank with a cannon.

I'm going to shoot her with a cannon.

Something that like Wiley Coyote would do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

To go to prison, a big stick of dynamite.

Right, to go to prison for something like that would be very funny.

Yeah, I agree.

Eve Piser's dead, as Nick Drew painted a ton

an open field in front of a tunnel.

All right, yeah.

But that was a good satire bit.

I love satire.

And I love satire.

So for the record, Adam doesn't plan on doing that.

I'm just going to do.

Come on, man.

Adam wasn't discussing this earlier as his actual plan, and then I was saving him by saying it was me, even though it was Sanjo.

It was Adam, who's making incredible threats.

All legal.

All legal ramifications to be solved.

Everything on the podcast is Adam's fault.

I have already stated that I

wrote it.

2017 or whatever.

All right, are we done?

I don't know what copyright means.

Just think it means copyright.

Like legal.

Copyright, Adams.

Copyright Adam.

Ad Friedland is in trouble through the show.

If you're in D.C.

this weekend, come see me the 7th and 8th at the D.C.

motherfucking draft house, bitch.

And then the week after

Indianapolis on the 13th, Columbus and Cincinnati.

One of them is on the 14th.

One of them is on the 15th.

And then Cleveland on the 16th.

Buy tickets to that.

And then

LA, Phoenix just announced that motherfucker.

The 19th at Valley Bar.

And then I'm also in in Pittsburgh and Buffalo the week before that.

And LA, February 2nd.

Buy tickets to come see my little bitch ass.

Also, sign up for the premium episodes at patreon.com slash come town.

We're trying to overtake

Last Podcast on the last one.

Yeah.

Last penis in my ass.

Honestly, I think it's absolutely fucking absurd that they're ahead of us.

I can't believe they are either.

Have they been doing it longer?

They have.

Well, let's fuck them up, dude.

I know.

We will.

We can, and we will.

So, yeah, fuck those assholes.

I told you that story about being in Starbucks at one time.

It was like when I first moved to New York.

It was the Starbucks over on Astor Place.

I was like sitting at the counter,

and there was a guy next to me, and I thought he was on the phone.

He was like, I'm just, no, you tell them, put me on.

No, you just tell them.

Just put me on.

Look, I'm telling you, I can do this.

I was born for radio.

I was meant to do radio.

I was born for this.

You'll put me on.

You can and you will.

And I look over and, you know, it's just an insane thing.

And he's like, having some, like, and it went on like that for an hour.

It's just repeating him, like, trying to convince some guy to put him on the radio.

That's awesome because he knew he was going to be like a broadcast.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And I had this like moment because, like, I, you know, I didn't have any fucking money.

I was like making a little bit of money writing, but like, I've been doing comedy a while and it wasn't going anywhere.

And I'm like, fuck, I'm just, this is what's going to happen.

He's going to be this.

Well, you're not.

Also, the last Funny Moms of the Year

is on Monday, this upcoming Monday.

That's right.

Whatever the date is of that,

it's going to be a really good one.

I think we got some good people on it.

Yeah, we haven't booked anyone yet, but Joe might be doing it.

Nice.

Joe who?

Joe P.

Para.

Or List.

Maybe both.

Joe Pee P?

Joe P.

Pussy Penis.

Yeah, I'm really big fun of that Joe Para guy.

Yeah, it's December 10th, funny moms.

December 10th, last one of the year, and then it's, I think, Christmas Eve is the next one, so we're not going to do it.

I believe.

I might do it just for the Japanese.

It's Christmas Eve if you want.

Just for the J-O-Os.

I'm going to be in big business.

We'll probably sell some tickets on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.

Yeah, we could sell them, but then the problem is if people find out it's just you, are they still going to come?

You know what I mean?

I think that some would.

I think some people would.

Just pretend we're going to to be there.

Okay, I'll be there.

We're all going to be there.

We're all going to be there.

All right, guys.

Have a good night.

Come see us.

And also, I don't want to comment on an active

New York Police Department investigation.

We have the anti-terrorist squad looking into my assault.

Oh, yeah, we will get you.

Some black man ran up to Adam with a giant pair of scissors

and cut his nose off.

So Adam started punching himself in the face until the guy let him let him.

I mean, you guys may laugh, but when you see that giant pair of scissors coming towards you, it is terrible.

Yeah, it's fight or flight.

And Adam chose fighting himself.

And then I fought myself.

It would honestly be so funny to see a prosecutor pointing to a diagram with a drawing of me in a hot air balloon holding the giant scissors while like Eve, unsuspecting, walks down the street.

Yeah, you're dangling them behind him.

And this was his plan.

you're in a fucking top hat,

all right.

That's it for us, boys, boys and girls.

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