Ep. 127 – classico podacata

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Oh, baby, we're out here and we're sucking and fucking.

We're sucking and calm down.

We're having just when you saw the sucking was over, the fucking begin.

Now we're pulling the cock out of our ass and sucking it again, bitch.

We're ready to fucking die.

We wanna die?

I hope I fucking die.

Please kill me, God.

I wish I was dead.

I'm fucking gay.

And I'm too scared to kill myself.

Please kill me, God.

Please put a gun to my head.

I'm a coward.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

Damn.

Come town, motherfucking classico, out and about.

Adam.

Podcasta classico.

Podcasta classicinho.

Yo quiero pod casto clásico.

Solo solomente stavros y y

doesn't matter as long as you know Adam.

A lot of listen to the podcast Cometown that I listen to on a cup attached to a string that goes all the way

through the caravan.

Oh, damn.

We hit the caravan, too.

Yeah, yeah, we're doing politics.

Guess what?

Listen, these are bad ombres

and they're using a cup with a string on it to steal podcasts from across the.

Oh, hold on.

Are they stealing the pages online?

Look, they're stealing.

Oh, dude, now I'm on the side.

Now we've got to crack down on these fucking motherfuckers.

Look, Mexico is filled with people that not only steal the premium episodes, but then have the audacity to complain about them.

Truly the worst kind of.

Yo,

if the caravan was full of people that do that shit, I would personally take a fucking gun to every single one of those.

I'd take a gun.

And I'd kill the Mexicans.

I'd use their guns.

Mexicans?

The hypothetical Reddit guys.

No.

The Mexican Reddit guys.

Nick, I didn't say Mexican.

You all happen to be Mexican.

Shut up.

In this hypothetical, they're Mexican guys.

By the way, me and Nick have just been everything we've talked about has been via the Monster Mask.

Yeah.

on this beautiful all-hallowed,

all-hollowed pussy.

Oh, that's right.

We get in there.

Follow out these fucking tools

on your hole, bitch.

Oh, I'm bad at fucking.

My dick doesn't work.

Let me introduce you to the pit crew.

Nine guys come in, all in jumpsuits.

Drills with dildos at the end of them.

They come in, immediately just rip her legs off her body.

And then she's just held up on jack stand.

Yeah.

And then they just attach a fat or black woman's legs to her body.

They come up, rip her tits off.

Huge black tits.

Big black tits.

Just big black tits.

Big fat black ass.

Yes.

Pit stop complete.

Better bitch, ready to go.

She's just in agony.

Welcome to the Better Bitch Pit Stop.

All the fucking sutures are getting infected in real time.

And then I'm just sitting on this woman's back as she's bleeding out, making race car noises.

I love Monaco.

The Monaco.

Just a bunch of fucking princes watching.

Oh, man.

I'd love to be a rich Monaco guy, dude.

Isn't that like,

isn't that like the richest place?

Or is it Abu Dhabi?

Abu Dhabi, I thought, was the town from Aladdin.

What am I thinking?

This guy sent me an email.

I guess it's some like marketing company, and this is clearly a scam.

Okay.

They're offering 10 to 40K in upfront marketing dollars.

I love that.

I can't wait to hear what marketing dollars do.

I love marketing dollars.

And the thing is, they're upfront.

Yeah.

The thing is, you would think upfront means they just give it to you, but it turns out you have to give them a couple dollars to really get the upfront dollars going.

Yeah, no, I'm not doing this shit.

What do they want?

I don't know.

They sent me an email and they wanted to get on the phone immediately.

Call him up, dude.

Yeah, I guess put him on the podcast.

Yeah.

Oh, let's just disrespect this guy.

Call him gay and little dickhead.

Yeah, I can't wait to do it.

I can't wait to call this man gay.

I hope that he becomes gay.

So let's run through real quick just

the day's news.

Okay.

There's local reports that Super Mario,

along with Luigi, has stumbled across a new hat to wear.

It looks just like the Mario hat, except it's brown and there's an N on it.

That can stand for a lot of different stuff, guys.

Well,

Luigi is begging Mario not to put that.

that please have mine do not put on

there's no way that that's good

there is one very probable bad outcome of you putting on that hat

best case scenario you're in a black face you put yes

you

you the best case scenario it turns you in to a chocolate bar

and your chocolate and the end stands for nougat

and we get chocolate Mario.

Best case scenario.

It does nothing for you, Mario.

It's not a power.

You do not want to be made out of chocolate.

Shut up, Luigi.

Let's be honest here.

We both know.

We both know what that N stands for and what's going to happen in front of us.

They're going to cancel Mario.

I'm going to accuse Mario of red.

Wario here.

I have made a hat that makes Mario races.

And because he's addicted to fashion, as he is a homosexual bitch, he won't resist, be able to resist putting on the hat.

Wario has invented an N-word hat that makes Mario run around yelling the N-word in blackface.

Oh, fucking shit.

It's Mario, Mario Land 2's, the six golden teeth.

That was a tight game, Mario Land 2.

Mario Land?

Mario Land 2, Six Golden Coins.

I don't think I played.

I played Super Mario 2.

Game Boy.

The one that was a stolen game?

The one that they just stole from a different game?

No, that was Super Mario Bros.

2.

I love that one.

Yeah.

Everyone says that one.

Maybe that was Super Mario World 2?

Yes, it was.

Yeah.

Yeah, I played that on Game Boy Advance.

Nice, bro.

Dude, it's advanced.

It's like when your T cell count drops and they're like, yo,

damn, you just HIV has advanced.

Leveled up.

Powered up.

I was just laughing today about telling people I have herpes

because I got it in France.

I actually got it on the French Riviera.

That's right.

The beautiful young girl, 11 years old.

It's legal there.

That's part of being an artist.

You go to France, have sex with

sex with a beautiful children.

Have sex with herpes-ridden children.

An experienced 11-year-old

on the beach.

The beach where Faulkner once laid out and wrote My Cousin Vinny.

That's my favorite of his books.

My favorite William Faulkner books.

Number one, My Cousin Vinny.

I love how he does the real dialect.

Like, he spells it.

You know what I mean?

Like, you can really get a vibe for these people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just beautiful, man.

What are some of the other good Faulkner books?

Another one is The Wedding Singer.

The Wedding Singer.

That's a very good one.

He wrote that one.

All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Yep.

That's him.

I think it was called All Hounds Go to Heaven originally.

All Dogs Go to Heaven.

And it's a story of

a German shepherd that lost all of his slaves.

And he understands that slavery is bad, but he's still a gentleman.

And goddamn, if anyone's going to take his gentleman sensibility away from him, least of all that bastard General Sherman.

That bastard.

Yeah, I don't remember any.

I mean, As I Suck Dicking.

Yeah, As I Lay Dying.

As I Lay.

Absalom, Absalom.

Wasn't that

a shitty band, also?

Probably.

That's a pretty fucking little dick-ass thing to do.

Name your band after a book.

Yeah.

Fucking nerd.

About a Boy by William Falk.

Another thing I said.

No, boys don't cry, also.

I was having a pumpkin race latte today, instead of a pumpkin spice latte.

Yep.

And it's a latte that tastes like Korean people.

Is it the same race every time, or is it?

Yeah, well, no, it's a pumpkin race.

Because Korean people look like pumpkins.

I suppose, yes.

I always consider them to look more like Majin Buu.

That's how I tell them apart from other Asians.

Majin Buu?

Majin Buu from Dragon Ball.

Oh, I didn't watch Dragon Ball.

Dragon Ball Z.

Dragon Ball Z, as we we call it in England.

I was sucking on a dick late one night when my roommate came in to that awful sight.

And he shrieked and screamed, and I had to explain it was a joke.

It was a joke that I was doing.

I'm not gay.

It was a joke.

It was a funny joke.

It was just a joke.

It was just a joke.

It was just a joke.

I am not gay.

I am not gay.

Please show me your phone.

Don't tweet that out.

Let me see your phone.

Just let me see your phone.

Just let me see your phone.

Your fucking phone?

Yep, yep.

Please don't post any pics.

Don't post pictures of my dick.

Going in?

Going into that man's ass.

Just that guy just fucking fleeing the scene immediately.

Yeah.

Well, super fans, we got a new Twitter account

at Come Town Records.

If you enjoy Cometown Classical podcast,

classical

podcasts.

There are no facts.

Nothing gay, but no one is inserting facts.

Wait, William Falker didn't write All Dogs Go to Heaven.

He's Don Blue.

Get well soon, Adam.

He's sick, and I'm praying for our boy.

He has AIDS.

He got it from being gay.

This is the police.

This is the police.

Sir, you're gay.

Sir, sir, sir.

This is the police.

You're gay.

We have a helicopter.

We have a helicopter.

You're surrounded and you're gay.

You're surrounded.

Sir, you're gay.

That's another one that was getting us good.

Yeah, we've been doing some good bits, guys.

Honestly, me and Nick were talking about just starting to always have field recorders on us.

And the second a bit pops off, we just start.

We should do at least one podcast.

It's just a headset on.

A headset throughout it.

We should hang out all day one day.

Just click it on.

And click it on.

And then just really.

That would be a fun one.

Just out in the field.

You hear the ambient noises.

The titties of the beautiful women that are around us constantly slapping together.

That kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Like Nob Evans, and it's a place where you eat dick for breakfast.

Exactly.

Say we were walking past a Bob Evans.

Yeah, that would be a thing that would be good.

Let's say we were walking past

Let's see here Key Foods.

What might we say there?

Gay Foods.

Gay Foods.

I mean, that's the kind of shit that,

you know.

Anyways, if you want to look at the Twitter account Come Town Records, you got to go to patreon.com slash Cometown and sign up.

And then you are allowed.

You have permission to go look at the Come Town Records.

Otherwise, you are committing theft and fraud, and we will fucking have you arrested.

Dude, after spending just hours and hours of my life on airlines and in airports, brutal.

I'm now a fascist.

I love the rules.

Everyone has to obey the rules.

This fucking dumb bitch stewardess comes by and killed off King.

Yeah.

And she says,

can't believe it.

This lady walked by and took a pillow and blanket from first class.

Can you believe it?

She's telling us that.

Like, bitch, anything bad that happens to first class, this is the place where socialism can start is in coach.

That's the game.

Well, she's trying to talk to other people and coach as if we're supposed to be like, how dare she

take that fucking pillow.

This woman came into this rich guy's house and took some extra medicine he wasn't using for her dying daughter.

Can you believe what a dumb bitch she is?

Yeah, fuck that, dude.

And it's like, there's so many people on planes that love the rules.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That fucking dumb old bitch.

Oh, I almost went off on her, dude.

She wouldn't let me fucking.

She had the front seats

where there's no other thing in front, and I was trying to take a piss at the other side.

And I was like, excuse me.

I was so polite.

People don't do it anymore.

Oh, go ahead.

I was so polite.

I was like, excuse me, could I just go through here?

And I mean, I don't even think you have to act.

Like, to me, it's like, bitch, there's an extra, there's extra fucking room.

And she's like, oh, I suppose that's fine.

And she gave me some tone.

And you know, your boy's not having that.

She was like, Is this really a problem for you, bitch?

Yeah, I didn't say bitch, but I said, Is this really a problem for you?

She's like, You know, we paid extra for these seats.

And I just, I fucking hit her with, you know, just have some common decency.

Yeah, I felt so good, dude.

I felt like I out.

Can I see your manager?

Or can I see your manager, bitch?

Yeah, and I was ready.

Never mind the fact that her dumbass husband was screaming the whole flight because he's deaf.

I was ready to go off on his ass, too.

I had some, uh, your gnome, your garden gnome-looking husband

in the chamber, ready to go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was ready to make fun of her haircut.

I was waiting.

I was in the, I was, I was like, you know.

That would be so funny.

She has no idea we know each other.

Just the four o'clock vector with the like, is this old faggot causing a problem for you, sir?

Yeah, yeah, you call me, sir.

Excuse me, my unrelated sir.

The sir who is unrelated to the family.

Why, thank you, the pilot of this fucking airplane who was sitting in the back.

Oh, my God.

I didn't realize I was.

We're on the same flight as Chris Kyle, the American sniper.

Who's now an air marshal, who's been resurrected and is now an air marshal?

Who had to fake his own death to become a morbidly obese air marshal?

That'd be a fun TV show about the air marshal that's widely fat.

Yep.

And he takes up three seats because he's the best damn air marshal.

And his fucking gun keeps going off.

There's nothing wrong.

There's nothing worth than being a fat man.

And he keeps having gay sex in the bathroom.

That's an aspect of the show also.

The phone is an anthropomorphic phone that turns into, I guess, kind of a man

and has gay sex.

Yeah, now he's a phone.

Oh, he's a phone.

Oh, no, I was saying he

turns into a phone?

No, you just said that.

I was saying he keeps having gay sex in the bathroom.

Oh, oh, I thought.

What did you say?

Did you say phone?

I don't think I said phone.

Did I just make you saying phone up?

Yeah, I think you just.

I thought you said he takes his phone out.

No, no, no.

Has gay sex.

No, no, but I do like this angle that he's like a a shapeshifter.

Yeah, he's a shape shifter.

He chooses to be morbidly over.

He's gonna be fat as shit.

But he turns into a phone that has gay sex in the back.

That's fucking tight.

Would the phone have a dick?

Of course you do.

Okay, all right.

You have to enter the secret code into the touchpad.

Oh, shit.

And then it's like

and then the dick comes out of the screen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like magic, like the ring.

Yeah, yeah.

Like the ringu.

It'd be cool if that ring girl came out of the TV pussy first.

Absolutely.

You know, I never understood that before.

Absolutely.

She has to crawl out of the TV.

It's like, just walk up and put your dick in her mouth.

Exactly.

Get your dick sucked.

Yes.

If you're going to die,

you might as well on the way out, get your fucking furrow lit.

Just coming in a dead girl's mouth.

You know what I'm saying?

And she looks slimy and shit.

Her mouth's probably nice and wet.

That's what they don't tell you.

It's the only way out of the ring is if you beat off to the video.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Yes.

You see that little girl going into that well.

Okay.

You know, and you're like...

That's kind of a

well as a pussy.

Okay, all right.

Oh, you took it a different way.

Right.

You want a whole Japanese girl to crawl into your ass.

How about like the world's most notorious pedophile, and he kidnaps people's infants and then shoves them up his ass.

It's like, I just want to feel like a mom.

It's the hardest job in the world.

It's the toughest job in the world.

I guess I'm stealing Valor.

He just puts on dresses and he puts on pant suits and sends emails while a baby is in his ass.

Yeah.

I would love to do stolen valor videos, but it's like just a butch woman confronting trans people.

Uh-huh.

You know, be like, oh, that's interesting.

Where'd you serve?

What bathrooms?

You know?

something like that.

Oh, we had a pretty good one.

Oh, yeah.

It's fucking

jackass.

Yes.

I've been having a lot of fun with, oh, I'm Bam Margier, and this is sunk in Phil's dick.

Sunken old Phil's dick while he's trying to sleep.

But it's jackass, and they take dick pills while in a skirt, and they go into the women's bathroom.

And so they have a really hard dick.

Yeah.

And they're dressed like, and basically it's, this is jackass, and we're setting back the trans people.

This is jackass.

And this is get trans people in trouble.

This is do what Republicans claim trans people act.

I suck a dick.

I am a faggot.

I can't wait to suck a dick.

You know, and then that.

Ben Margera kick flipping into a woman's bathroom.

This is dick out.

Yeah, I'm a fucking girl.

Yeah, I'm a girl trying to use

the ladies' ladies' piss pot

jackass will return

in a brief moment.

Yeah, dude, I love this new jackass reboot we're working on.

We got Sunken Phil's dick.

Sunken Phil's dick.

There was something about Steve-O

get someone's fucking him in the ass and he's just throwing up.

I'm Steve-O, and this is have gay sex.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Fucking Steve-O.

Yeah, so those are the two we have so far, or three, I guess.

Bam, leave your father alone.

He's got to work in the morning.

Come on, Bam.

Get my fucking dick out of your mouth.

I ain't trying to get my dick sunk.

Come on, Bam, it's four o'clock in the morning.

I don't want to get my dick sunk right now.

Bam, I got to work in the morning.

Bam, you know I got to work in the morning.

I ain't trying to get my dick sunk.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, actually, we should also say, this is a bummer alert, and we're sorry.

But

we're going to have to reschedule our shows in the South.

Yeah.

We fucked up some scheduling, and

we're not going to be able to make it, and our dicks are small for that one, and we apologize.

But, you know, you should honestly be preparing for the caravan anyway.

Yeah.

You're closer.

So we're actually, what we did is we canceled the shows

to give you more time to prepare for the caravan.

16 covered wagons filled with Mexicans and ICP.

Yeah, dude.

Just fucking juncos, insane clown stuff.

That's right.

You know, insane clown.

I think posse is already a Hispanic word.

Bussy.

Bussy.

We are going to warm it pose.

Anyways.

So, yeah, sorry about that, but I don't want those guys coming over here because I don't want them doing the voice and diluting my market.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So, you just don't, that's your problem with Hispanic people seeking asylum is the voice.

I mean, look what happened to Blackface guys once black people were allowed to do music

on the TV.

Yeah, that is what killed Blackface.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, not that it's right,

what Al Jolson was doing, sure, but he had the man had club mouths to feed.

Big red painted mouths.

His kids.

Yeah.

The Jolson Christmas photo.

Why was anybody thinking about Al Jolson's children?

Yeah, dude.

You know how expensive it is?

Little wing nut and mud flap Jolson.

Yeah.

It's my son, Ding Bad.

His papa, his son doesn't even know how to speak any other way than like racistly.

Yeah.

Oh, shucks, Paul.

I was very grateful, or whatever, you know, etc.

It feels wrong to do it, even in the context of this bit.

Yeah, but you do it anyways.

That's what you power through.

That's what the show's about, man.

This is gay jackass, and this is put on black faces each other's dicks.

Yeah, you're washing gay jackass, and this is racist gay guy.

Come on, Bam.

You're getting shoe polish all over my dunk.

I ain't sure to get dunk all over my shoe polish.

Bam, come on, Bam.

My balls look like plums.

Yeah, Bam.

You gave me prune nuts.

Putting your big purple lips all over my bunch.

Shut the fuck up, Bill.

Bam, Bam.

Your father doesn't want a black nuts, bam.

Your father's got to go to his work at the gay store.

Yeah, that's right, Bam.

Yeah, forget

on gay racist jackass.

me dad, works at the gay store.

This is Steve-O, and this is have gay sex while you say the N-word

Come on, say it, Steve-O

just say it, man.

Fuck.

Yep, yep.

This is all good.

Me and Nick were also thinking about doing a sketch show for some of these ideas, you know?

Yeah.

Just capturing our twisted imaginations.

I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is

Eat Turds Out of My Friend's Ass.

That one sounds too close to an actual JS one, honestly.

Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

You try and think of.

Yeah, you try and and even the gay one, half the shit they do is already gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shouts out to Chris Ponte.

He says, Dick in a little mouse costume.

Hey, I'm uh, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is laugh at a retarded man in public.

Yep, there we go.

Yeah, this is like a guy with Down syndrome trying to like, he's with his adult father.

I guess it's, of course, his dad being this older gentleman.

Yeah, just a 75-year-old man.

They're holding hands.

Holding hands with a 52-year-old man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Johnny Knox was like, ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha, ha,

oh, fuck.

He's laughing at the fucking retard.

I can't believe it.

He's laughing right in his fucking face.

The rab himself just fucking slapped this retard in the face with a turn.

Spike James just gave this retard a haircut.

Preston just kissed his retard on a dick.

Hey, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is Be Gay with a retard.

I'm Steve Owen this.

We're here at King of Prussia Mall.

And we're going to

found the retard.

Retard.

We're going to trick you.

I'm wearing a dress, and my dick is hard.

And we're going to have gay sex with the first retarded person we see.

I'm going to sunk his dick.

This has put Wee-Man completely in your ass.

This is give birth to We-Man.

We put Phil to sleep.

We put Wee-Man crawled into his ass.

Bam, what the hell is that?

Phil, I think you're pregnant.

We man, you got a kick.

Oh, shit, I think We-Man died.

We suffocated.

We man suffocated.

We man suffocated.

Come on.

The fireworks are going off.

Well, they pull Wee-Man's lifeless body out of Phil's ass.

Phil, you got to shit out, our friend.

Bam, come on, Bam.

You know, I don't got time for that.

Come on, Bam.

First, you sunk my dick.

And now your door friend is dead inside my ass.

Bam, how many times did I tell you not to put dead midgets in your father's ass?

Hell yeah.

Voice of a generation, this podcast.

Fucking smartest geniuses.

That's so true.

The world's smartest geniuses.

I'd like to see Neil deGrasse Tyson come up with something like that.

He'd probably be like, oh, I'm gay.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Space plus five equals I'm a fucking idiot.

Yeah, that's right.

That is so true.

Don't ever try to podcast.

That is so fucking true.

I know.

Pick up this fucking mic, this fucking mic, Neil, you bitch.

I bet you won't, bitch.

Neil the down on your knees and suck my dick off, ass Tyson.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

I just dunked on him from half court.

Dunk.

Dunk.

We dunked on his fucking little dick ass.

Yes.

You have a small penis, Neil.

And we're only saying this stuff about him because he raped that woman.

Oh, yeah.

Chris Benoit.

Did we do a read?

Not, and we got another four minutes.

Okay, cool.

I think.

I didn't know if we're doing it earlier or whatever.

We're doing a wive weed.

A wive?

Does Obama's idealism belong in today's political class?

Let's talk about it.

Dude, I'm losing the ability to read.

Bro, welcome.

I haven't read shit.

I've been reading a book about...

I've been thinking about getting hardcore into opiates.

Yeah, I mean,

I on one level really support it.

On another, I really don't, you know?

For example, I do love the idea of us getting just codependent as hell back to the fucking glory days.

I'll get, I'll put on another hundred pounds, you get addicted to opiates, we're having a good time, yeah.

What's the story with this fucking Pittsburgh thing?

Um,

some guy pulled off a very,

very not cool move, honestly.

Who was the guy?

Was it like a Dylan Roof type?

Uh, yeah, I don't know.

It was a white supremacist, I think.

Yeah, it'd be funny if it wasn't.

It was just a guy that's like, look, I wanted to shoot a place out.

Yeah, yeah.

It was the first place I saw.

Yeah, there's like nothing race.

It's like a whole entire Facebook profile is just Seinfeld quotes.

It's the first place I saw.

Favorite breakfast eating bagels and locks.

Jerry, why wouldn't you just shoot the first place you find?

I don't know.

Yeah.

You never know.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good bit.

That actually is a good one.

That actually, I mean, we've been spending most of the episode talking about gay, retarded, blackface jackass.

Talking about that is a funny bitch.

Caesar Sayok.

How about Caesar Sayit?

That's right.

And he says the N-word instead of keeping it bottled up inside until he has to take a little trip to the post office.

Speaking of the post office.

It's crazy that you can just do that.

That's how fucking incompetent the post office is.

They delivered 11 bombs to people.

And a couple of them after it was already...

Right.

Like, like De Niro's bomb didn't

come out till the end of the thing.

You got to feel like if a famous person, if you're getting getting like a kind of heavy package sent to a famous person, maybe

the crime, I didn't read anything about the story.

Me neither.

I haven't read anything.

Oh, my gut.

I would say that the crime was solved by the FBI and the MYPD

and not with zero help from the U.S.

Postal Service police.

Do they have their own internal armed forces?

I think so.

That would be awesome, dude.

Post Office Law Enforcement.

That's awesome.

Give one of those rude old bitches a gun, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Give one of those.

What was that?

Did you go with me to the post office that one day that bitch was just wildly disrespectful to me?

No.

When I was like, where are the stamps?

And she was like, you need to get in line.

And then was like, just

drinking out of her cup.

Fuck yeah.

At work?

How dare this?

Out of my cup, bitch.

Yeah.

You answer my fucking questions immediately, bitch, with a dry ass mouth.

Yeah.

I need to fucking mail these stamps.

You are not allowed to lubricate.

I need to mail back this fucking rare japanese pornography that i ordered off of ebay because all the cocks were blurred out and they assured me they wouldn't be dude jet lag sucks dude this is the worst feeling in the world yeah and i know i'm gonna go i'm not gonna be able to sleep either yeah it's like if unless you sleep right now and wake up at 1 a.m you're gonna not be able to sleep yeah but you know that's the thing when you're an international fucking playboy yeah because you guys think we were out there doing live shows we were actually having sex with austra the australian volleyball team dude i had sex sex with every girl in Australia.

I know that sounds like hyperbole, but I actually don't even know what a hyperbole means or what a hyperbole is.

Hyperboles are so fucking stupid and fucking big.

Yeah,

hyper Bolly.

Yeah.

So it's like, what?

It's like a faster version of Bolly, the country.

Yeah.

It's

hyper Bollywood.

It's every Bollywood movie, but it's really fast.

Yeah.

At four.

Hyperbur

High per

bottle.

Bolly.

Oh, damn.

I think I almost shit myself on that one.

That's awesome, dude.

Yeah.

I wish I could shit myself.

You can't.

When's the last time you shit yourself?

Years and years ago.

Probably

second grade, I'd say.

No, you were drinking for that long and you never woke up with your pants.

Never woke up.

Never did I shit.

You would piss, though.

I would piss, but only because I would miss whatever I was trying to piss on and end up pissing in my own face.

So that doesn't count.

What were you trying to piss on, man?

I don't know, the backseat of my car.

I remember falling asleep in the backseat of my car.

You just pull your dick out.

You don't know which direction down is.

One time I remember when we, maybe I've told the story on the pod, when we went to

my friend's bar, you just pulled your dick out and pissed, honestly, honestly, on the most, you picked the most visible spot.

You were trying to be like discreet, and it was like Boston Street in the middle of that shit in Cannon, and you went under a streetlight, dick facing the road, and he just started pissing.

It was awesome.

Yeah, well, I had to go to the bathroom.

And then my man, and then my man, we'll call him Doug.

who

I won't say anything more, but he worked at a bar and he's like a handsome man.

I believe he's either married or in a serious relationship.

And I had only like hung out with him at like family parties and shit.

And then he's just, it was after a Ravens game.

I think it was a Sunday, because it was like, I picked you up after that Sunday show at McGoobies.

And just the fucking fattest, most disgusting,

like these bitches were from Dundalk and like coming to Canton, coming into Baltimore City was like fancy for them.

These bitches, literally, one of them was in

white Ravens jerseys and camo pants, and he just starts triple kissing these two fat bitches

in the middle in the middle of the bar he fucking works at.

Yeah, I love to give a bitch the triple kiss.

He's just like,

oh yeah.

Oh, I wish I could have sunk your dick right now, Don.

This is a guy who's really straight.

He's like, damn, I love just like kissing girls.

Dude, I fucking love that shit.

I don't know.

The way their

soft, beautiful lips touch my lips.

No, because he has gay sex, but he doesn't know what kissing feels like.

Dude, I love, yeah, just the way a girl's mouth feels.

You know, when it wraps around your mouth, and it feels like you're

something like that.

You guys do the work on that.

It feels like her lips are a dick and your mouth is an ass.

You know

the most beautiful kind of thing going in.

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Bet DSI has been in business for over 20 years.

Wow.

That's fucking serious.

That's almost as old as I am.

Shit.

Are you fucking serious?

You know how old I am?

How old?

29.

You want to bet on it?

Yeah, I'll bet on it.

You can bet a bet the aside of it.

How much?

I don't know.

$400.

I bet you're not.

I'll give you guys a hint.

I'm 29.

So if you want to go and gamble online.

Yeah.

Age, Nick Mullen.

Gamble.

God damn.

I'm just going to turn 30 and then 40, and then I'm going to die.

Yeah.

No, that is what's going to happen, probably.

Fuck.

It will happen in that order.

There'll be stuff in between.

Dude, I'm serious about getting into those opiates.

I felt great the other other day.

Yeah, they feel good.

Somebody slipped me a little Mickey the other night.

I don't know what that means.

I just like the expression.

They put a whole glove in your ass.

I had a great night.

They put a mouse in your ass.

That's getting some Mickey Mouse.

Nice ass, Pagan.

Oh, what is this?

A gay guy's ass.

Hey, it's me.

Gay Mickey Mouse.

This is gay Disney jackass.

This is sunk.

Mickey Mouse's dick.

I'm going to go into Phil's bedroom.

And I'm going to suck his dick while he's trying to slide.

Oh, come on.

Mickey Mouse.

Mickey, I don't want my dick sunk.

Shut the fuck up, Phil.

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I don't even know if I said the first one, but...

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Yep, that's pretty much everything.

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Some other shit you don't even thought about?

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You can bet on that shit.

Damn, Bet DSI has a great mobile app, these used from anywhere.

I love that shit because sometimes I use other.

That's what I hate about some, like Twitter, for example.

It's a good app, but only when you're only when you're

in the kitchen, right?

If you're using it at Subway, it's a completely different experience.

Sucks, dick.

Right.

If you're at Starbucks.

Oh.

If you try and use some of these betting apps at certain places,

they won't work.

Not Bet DSI, though.

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That's definitely not

a stupid fucking plan.

It isn't.

I'm kidding.

It isn't.

It's not.

It's definitely.

Because I have had apps that are bad.

No, me too, For sure.

For that reason.

They offer live in-game wagering.

I think you said that three times.

Did I?

What if it's live-in-game?

Live-in-game wagering?

It's, yeah.

A bet,

an anthropomorphicized bet comes to life.

That's when you have like a live-in elderly.

I hope I don't fucking end up in that situation.

What?

What do you think?

Like a parent?

You think you're going to have kids that love you enough to let you live with them?

Oh, no, I mean, I hope I don't have to take care of one of my parents.

You think you love your parents enough to take care of them?

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, it's going to be so awful when they get to the end and I'm just like not doing anything about it.

I don't know.

You said anything.

I'm going to feel so bad.

And you will do nothing.

Right.

I'm going to just be real.

I'm going to be

right.

I'm going to have no one close to me in my life.

I'll be in a meeting with like somebody who doesn't want to work with me.

Yep.

But I've somehow I'm still in entertainment.

Yep.

Because I'll just be one of those dinosaurs that gets to write on every garbage show.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll be like, yeah, things are really bad.

My mom's homeless.

And I'm not doing anything about it.

Oh, she's 87 years old.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I was going to put her in.

My mom should take care of itself.

Right.

I was going to put her in a home, but then I didn't.

And then.

Yeah, I didn't because I need all this extra income to bet and make even more money with live in-game wagering on Bet DSI.

You can make make plays throughout the entire games and events.

So let's say it's,

I don't know, two to two.

Yeah, the massacre at Baba Yar, you know?

And you're saying, how many more people are they going to kill?

Is that a real massacre?

Baba Yar?

I think so, right?

I don't remember.

It was like before the Holocaust, and they were just using guns on them.

Damn.

Yeah.

Seriously.

Yeah, the Holocaust is fucked up.

How the fuck are people Nazis now?

People are still still alive that got God.

Preach.

It's crazy, dude.

Preach.

That shit is wild.

Absolute church.

And you know who doesn't support Nazis?

Probably?

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Oh, I guess I wasn't supposed to say that.

What am I betting on this week?

Yeah, what are you betting on?

I don't know.

I've lost all my money in cryptocurrency.

Yep, that's why you should have bet it all on Bet DSI.

I guess people were right.

I should have kept my money in a bank

rather than

Chinese exchanges.

Lower that.

It's creaking, dude.

Oh, it's creaking.

Hit the button to lower it to your little ass feet.

I was saying, how about instead of the creak in the cave, it's the creak and I'm gay.

Yes.

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All right, here's what you're going to bet on, motherfuckers, and you're going to make a ton of money.

Motherfucking, tomorrow, big game, Milwaukee fucking

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You got to bet on the Celtics, baby.

No, you don't.

Absolutely.

You bet on the Bucs.

Giannis is

out of the fucking concussion protocol.

He's ready to go.

He's ready to fuck.

He's ready to suck.

And,

you know, Kyrie looks better after cutting his hair, but Giannis is going to split his ass cheeks open and crawl up in there like he's Wee-Man going into Phil's ass in that one bit we did

like 15 minutes ago.

R.I.P.

to Wee-Man.

R.I.P.

to gay Wee-Man.

Oh, we also wrote a sketch where it's the police trying to shoot a homeless guy in the dick, and he's dodging all the bullets, but they're still hitting all his other bullets.

He's still dying, but

his dick never gets shot.

She's dodging where the bullets go.

And then they have, for some reason, a military funeral.

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Oh, that's sorry.

I guess that's we supposed to read it in the show.

I don't know.

I think that no, I think that's uh

oh, maybe this is I think they just sent me Lewis's copy, gotcha, which is why all of these words are spelled fanatically.

Yeah, yeah, there's just a picture of a house.

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Let's start the show.

I have to take a most violent shit.

A most violent shit.

Johnny Violence.

How you doing?

My name is Lorenzo, and I would personally like to welcome you to Club Vasectomy.

My name is Dover, Delaware's Hot Suit Night Club.

Singles Night, Ladies Night, Women's Night,

Dames Night.

every night, a different type of bitch, guaranteed entry.

Ladies' night.

If you have fucked over 40 men, you are not allowed to attend.

Ladies' night.

We got nerd pussy nighted.

If you know how to read, bitch, you get in for free.

Bitch, if you know how to read, I got something you can read right here.

It's an instruction manual for my penis.

A Super Nintendo game and replica instruction manual describing my penis.

It's a tattoo under my balls that says, please suck me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like to call my penis Nintendo Power because it's got tips and tricks.

It has multiple tips.

My dick has two heads.

And that's a trick in and of itself.

That would be tricky.

Yeah.

I would love.

Just pay a guy to go up to women and just say schizophrenic pickup lines to them.

Damn, girl, did you know they call my penis Nintendo Power?

Because it's got tips and tricks.

It has two heads and trick-a-treat.

And one of my nuts is filled with the breakfast cereal tricks.

Yeah, one of them's got and tricks

shit.

Can I go home with you?

I just want to sleep inside.

Yeah.

If you're finished, I wanted to ask a question about Ace Ventura.

No, I want to keep going with this schizophrenic pickup.

Okay, let's keep going.

Damn, girl, is your ass made out of light bulbs?

Because my tongue is staying that asshole.

Tongue

is staying in there.

Tongue stand.

Tungsten is the material that.

The filament, the early type of bulb.

Yeah, because I can't wait to

fill a man's ass

with anything but my penis.

Damn, damn, that was a fucking deft maneuver on that character's part.

That man is a verbal ballerina.

Damn, girl, have you ever been to Lenscrafters?

Because I'm trying to discount the number of

ways I can fuck glasses.

Yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Damn.

So,

are you from Sandals or Jamaica?

Because I'm trying to.

I'm going to resort to having sex with you one way or another.

Don't make me resort to violence.

Don't make me resort to violence.

Sam

dull.

Because

Sans dull evenings evenings

we'll be having when we sexualize our experiences together.

Oh, yes.

Girl, I'm trying to have a sexual experience with you.

I'm trying to get some sexual ass pussy.

Damn, girl, are you the Epcot setter?

Because I'm trying to ride a fucking tiny roller co it's not a roller coaster.

You think it's gonna be a roller coaster, but then it's just some bullshit about learning.

And that's what a fucking me is like.

You think it's gonna be hot, but you just learn shit about me.

I put my penis in, and then I start telling you my life story.

Beginning with third grade.

Yeah, and that's when everybody started calling me the smelly kid because I shit my pants once.

Never mind the fact that the smell was gone by the time I got back from the nurse's office wearing the clothes that a retarded kid left at school a week prior.

When he just ran home naked

when he disappeared into the woods, dude.

When I came back to class saying, who shit their pants now?

Wearing a full Thomas the Tank Engine sweatsuit provided by my retarded brother.

But did they stop calling me that?

No, it continued.

Maybe that's what Bigfoot is.

Yeah.

A hairy, mentally disabled man that escaped into the woods years.

Very good point.

Very fucking good.

It's possible.

I'm just saying.

Very fucking good.

Because it's smarter.

Oh, man.

I would love to have a conspiracy theory show.

We should do that.

And it's just us not understanding things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't really know.

When people say jet fuel can't melt steel beams or whatever, I don't really know what they mean.

What the fuck is steel?

Does that mean just mean metal in general?

I think iron is involved, maybe.

I think it's some kind of

steel is just iron that's got I think they fuck it up with some other shit.

Yeah, exactly.

A couple different kinds of metal.

Yeah, because it's not in there.

A little copper in there, maybe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or some shit.

Some bronze.

Yeah.

So

is your ass made out of steel?

Do you have a steel ass?

Because I'm trying to take it without permission.

That's still not schizophrenic.

It's just

a guy trying to do pickup lines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

These are just horrible pickup lines.

It would be like, damn, girl, is your ass a pair of headphones?

Because I own a banana and I ate it one time.

Yeah, that's too cartoonish, though.

Yeah, listen, man.

It's like, damn, girl, is it three o'clock?

Because

I want to take you back to the

toilet corolla

what

you think that's too direct can i i want to just let me let me put your hair in my mouth there we go there we go something like that

that's good yeah

damn girls at three o'clock because i want to put your hair can i let can i put my hair in your mouth scooby doobie dinus

i'm gonna name my son scooby doobie i'm gonna name my son scooby dinus halcus i like this prediction you have that you're gonna have a child now i think I will at some point.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Well, Godspeed to you.

I mean, not anytime soon.

I'm going to take the next decade to become a real adult man.

Now I know I'm 29, and that's too late, but guess what?

Godspeed.

The thing I was wondering about Ace Ventura is when Finkel's iron.

Godspeed.

Is her dick in her ass?

I don't remember.

I don't remember.

I always thought they chopped his cock off and sewed it back onto her ass.

This is the scene everyone complains about.

They're like, oh, it's mean to trans people.

Yeah, I mean, it is transphobic in hindsight.

Everyone's throwing up.

What the fuck is transphobia?

Being mean towards trans people and shit.

Oh.

No, I yeah, I didn't know.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, it is that.

Oh, yeah, then it is transphobia.

I guess, yeah, I guess that is transphobia.

But but I th I think that's what

it's like, what the fuck is sexism?

It's like, you know, when you just discriminate against women in the workplace.

Oh, okay.

That's fucked up.

Oh, yeah.

That's weird.

I don't like that.

Yeah, I thought it was like

having sex.

I thought it was being mean to guys that fucking brother, let me tell you something.

I thought it was being mean to sex.

Like saying sex is bad.

If that's the case, then every woman I've ever met,

every woman I've ever ever fucked is sexist.

Mm-hmm.

Because every time they're like, that was fucking fucking.

Damn, I took a shit like an hour ago, and I'm already.

What did you have for dinner?

Papaya salad.

Oh, man.

How was it?

I'm dumb.

Yeah, we might.

I'm going too far.

I've walked into the razor's edge.

I've walked into the mouth of the razor.

Cock first.

I've walked dick first into the eyes of the razor.

Oh, that was another one of our characters.

The eyes of the condor.

Another one of our characters is me trying to kill myself in an airplane's turbine.

Oh, yeah.

No, because we do it first.

I jump into the turbine, and it cuts me into a billion pieces, and then you try to do it, and your stomach gets stuck.

And it cuts your dick off.

But it only cuts my dick off.

It's the absolute worst outcome.

I have to stay alive.

I don't get to die.

And I'm dickless.

Yeah, and it sucks your dick into the fan.

Fuck.

At least I'd go out getting sucked in one way.

Damn.

There'll probably be a second where it felt really good.

Yeah.

I want to press a gun to my head and pull the trigger.

I want to kill myself.

I hope I die.

I hope I die soon.

I deserve death.

I hope I fucking die soon.

I deserve to die.

Yeah.

Let's get one good riff.

One podcasto clásico.

Podcast classic.

This will be something in this.

This is being another edition.

I thought maybe we'd get a little bit more out of Mario putting on the brown hat, but

we did have that Mario putting on a leather hat and he's gay sex Mario.

That's a sound when his T cells drop to zero.

Oh no!

I am going to infect Maddie with the HIV virus,

and then he is going to have sex with Peach

and then she will get AIDS

Why, Wario?

I don't know.

Because I want some pussy.

Because I love having sex with girls who have AIDS.

I don't know about this plan.

Actually, now that I say it out loud, now that I think about it,

it seems like it will backfire.

Mario.

It sucked Bowser's dick for some reason.

Super Mario dick suck.

Only on Nintendo Switch 2.

Yeah, we're going to suck Bowser's dick while he's sleeping.

The latest Nintendo console is also a toilet that anyone can use, and it sucks your dick.

All I can think about right now is just shitting.

Yeah.

All day I dream about shitting.

Adidas.

Yeah.

I want some Adidas toilet paper.

Why don't you use your sweatshirt?

Yeah, that's cool.

That's really cool of you to suggest I wipe my ass with my shirt, dude.

As if there's not people out there who do things like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, if they are, guess what?

You know what I love?

Fuck them.

You know, those homeless guys that are just like the outside of their pants are just covered in shit.

Yes.

Yeah, that's the funniest look.

It is a funny look.

It's hilarious.

I respect it, dude.

Yeah.

Just take them off, bro.

Yeah, just go nude.

Just be nude.

Honestly, a shit-covered nude ass makes so much more sense than shit-covered fucking sweatpants.

I was laughing, too, about getting completely naked at the TSA security checkpoint.

Yeah, he turns around, he comes back.

You're just fucking.

You still have your shoes on, though.

It's like the one thing.

Like, what?

Sir, you're holding your ass open.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Take your finest look,

sir.

I know my freedoms.

I know my rights and my freedoms.

And I feel violated here today.

Fine, I'll jack off in front of you.

I know we're missing like two minutes on this one, but I have to shit somewhere.

Hey, look, listen, man.

Go shit.

You plug nothing or whatever.

Listen, yeah.

Nick will be back.

It's just us, guys.

Welcome to Stavi's beautiful sensual hour.

Nick is taking a turbo shit.

I just heard a turd rocket out of his little ass cheeks.

He just floated.

He hit the ceiling like a cartoon.

You know when a cartoon hits the fucking top of something?

That's what Nick did, but propelled off the force of his ass.

So,

as Nick was saying, and as we said earlier,

the shows are now canceled in the South, and we're sorry we're going to book those motherfuckers soon, though.

But in the meantime, what you can do is come see us funny moms on the 12th

here in beautiful New York City, Brooklyn, New York.

I will be in Long Island somewhere, the City Cafe or some fucking dumb bullshit.

It's in a movie theater.

So please buy tickets to that.

And then even more importantly, I will be headlining the DC Draft House, my first full fucking weekend as a hard dick savage.

headliner.

Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

Really would mean a lot if you came out to see those and then I'll also be in um

and that's December 6th and 7th and I'll also be in Indianapolis on the fucking 13th Cincinnati on the 14th I think and Columbus on the 15th or maybe have those two mixed up.

Go to my website stabby.biz for all of that info.

And I think I'm adding a Pittsburgh show in January and possibly sunny Los Angeles.

So

those are all the plugs.

I do uh while Nick is finishing up shitting, I wanted to say I wanted to just talk a little bit more about Finkel's cock getting chopped off on Ace Ventura.

Is that what happened?

Because I thought that but that doesn't really make sense.

I don't think they would

cut someone's cock off and then sew it to their ass.

I think that's what I thought being trans was as a little boy.

But now that I'm saying it out loud, it probably makes a lot more sense that she was actually tucking her cock

back into

right.

Okay, yeah, that makes more sense.

Let me run some other ideas by you guys.

Have you guys ever hooked up with someone

only because you're like worried about them?

Like what it would do to them if they weren't, for example, if someone if someone tries to have sex with me

I you know, I have to feel like I'm pretty low on their list.

So if like if I reject them, imagine what it would do to them.

You know, that's just an idea I had when someone asked me to have sex with her.

Oh, here's a good one.

Here's a good song.

You will like this, actually.

It's the king of wishful thinking.

I'll suck on your dick.

I know I will.

I'll pretend your balls aren't stinking.

And I'll let you come inside my mouth.

Cause I'm the king of semen drinking.

King of semen drinking.

Um, so that's pretty good.

Um, let's see here, guys.

What else is really going on?

There's a oh, I was thinking about going to uh Denver, and one of the venues I looked at was the Bug Theater.

That would be pretty funny, because of what you know, what you guys call Adam.

You call him a bug.

Um,

let's see here.

Uh, I really should have prepared some

stuff.

Oh, we were doing this character.

How's that shit, brother?

Nick's back everywhere.

Dude, perfect.

That was good timing.

Did you were you able to go?

Yeah, I was able to go.

I did the king of semen drinking.

How about what

you know what like what's what's my age again?

Mm-hmm.

You know, but it's uh what's his name again?

What's his name again?

He sucked his dick on a payphone.

He gave me a

fucking ride home.

He said he was the cops and that I was going to jail unless I sucked onto his dick.

And that's about the time he fucking raped me.

Nobody says you can be raped when you're 23.

Who believes that?

And technically, a grown man.

But I have Asperger's.

What the hell is Asperger's?

My friends say I should check my privilege.

What's my privilege again?

I'm a white man who got raped.

And it's very impressive.

Well, that one kind of came together.

That was beautiful.

Yeah, I know.

Slam dunk.

And before you faggot, say that song is about me, it's not.

I got my dick touched, and he did not say he was a police officer.

I was not penetrated.

I did not suck a dick.

All that happened was he touched my penis.

You touched his penis with your

several times.

Several times, and you

but he was busy every time you come.

My strategy was to distract him by him driving his car.

Fucking smart, dude.

I know, right?

That's why you're the king.

I am.

No, Nick just gets in other guys' cars

while they're driving

out Wiley the Masters.

Checkmates.

Nick just gets in other guys' cars hard as shit

and just begs them to try and touch his dick.

Yeah.

Try it, sir.

See what happens.

See what fucking happens.

You actually do it.

Yeah.

But not that hard because you're driving.

Touche.

What's my race again?

What's my race again?

My friend said that I am Chinese.

That I look Chinese.

But actually, I am just Jewish.

And my face looks swollen

because I'm one of those weird allergic Jews.

Always allergic to everything.

Some the Chinese lady at

where I bought my chain, which I think I will be visiting again soon to buy more jewelry,

she asked me if I was part Chinese.

What's your dress again?

I'm not saying that.

Only because I have roommates.

I don't fear you.

I would say what Nick said because I would like some fan mail as well.

We should set up a P.O.

podcast.

Yeah, I got cool shit, man.

I don't have time to look at it or open all of it.

Most of it just goes in the garbage.

Yeah, we do the

power the podcast.

We don't use batteries anymore.

We just burn all the mail you send Nick.

Yeah.

Some guy sent me a picture.

It's like some guy's cock,

and then there's a diaper on the balls, and they said, Idea, it's a diaper for your balls.

Yeah, I don't hate it.

Look, look, if you want to send me shit like that, send the tiny diaper, you fucking lazy piece of shit.

Absolutely.

What do you think this is?

Shark tank?

Yeah, now my balls got to go fucking fucking unprotected.

I am a king to you people.

That's right.

I don't want to come.

I'm not going to VC your shit into existence.

Do you want a diaper for your fucking balls?

You make it, and then let me try it out.

You send it to me.

And then I will try my damnedest to shit my balls.

And if I can't do it, which I have done.

Yeah.

I have wiped shit from my balls before in my life.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What the fuck was I doing?

Oh, right.

Looking up your address.

In the contacts.

I wish I still had a Rolodex.

Those are fun to.

You've never had a Rolodex, bitch.

Well,

that's true.

God is ass.

All right, I'm sorry.

I forgot I wasn't a businessman in the 80s.

But I know you mean I did want one.

Yeah.

Like when you saw those motherfuckers roll through, yeah.

And I remember fantasizing about being an adult.

The Rolodex.

That was one of the fantasies about his dollar.

It was a Rolodex.

Oh, hold on.

Let me make a phone call real quick.

Oh, right here.

Jenny.

Jenny?

With like the office.

Remember the ringtone?

That office phone phone's out?

Where it dies out.

Exactly.

Hi, is this Jenny?

Why don't you bring that fucking hairy-ass 80s pussy over?

And maybe I can.

I'm trying to floss with those pubes, baby.

Yeah, let me try on your jacket and pretend I have shoulders that are on.

Pretend I can play fucking football.

Yeah.

Wearing any woman's jacket from the 80s.

Yes, Captain.

Yes, sir.

Sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

You know what else I wanted?

Murphy Blown.

How about instead of Murphy Brown, it's Murphy Blown?

And she's trans and she's got a guy and she's just getting a dick sucked under the desk.

Well, she's like the modern woman of the 80s.

Shouts out to the movie Police Academy, where there's multiple coerced oral sex rapes.

Like one of their big pranks is when the like the principal or whatever or the leader of the fucking academy that they hate, he has to give a speech, but they put a whore in the podium, and the whore sucks his dick while he gives the speech, and he just rolls with it.

He doesn't go, hey, there's a woman here trying to assault me.

I'm a police officer, I'm going to stop this.

My man just gets his dick sucked while doing a speech.

Hell yeah.

So, like, I suppose.

I would love to get my dick sucked ever for any reason in any circumstance by any gender or age.

Or age, huh?

Yep.

Does that have a lower limit?

80

22.

Uh-huh.

Maybe a little lower.

How low?

I don't know, man.

You said that.

How low can you go?

Everybody do the best.

Yes, dude.

I was trying to figure out what it would even mean.

Like the lower you bend, you get to fuck babies.

Is that?

That's cool.

I think that's it.

Yeah.

Damn, we would have some limber ass pedophiles, honestly.

Yeah, I feel like there's got to be people that went to kill themselves and they had to tie a noose and then they were like, I guess I learned how to tie a noose.

Yeah.

And then they like learned and tied a really good one.

They're like, I did something to it.

And then that gave them the courage to go on another day.

Right.

I'm sure that's happened a lot.

I'm sure there's a lot of people that...

The pure satisfaction of tying the noose?

Yes.

I think there's a lot of people that said, I want to kill myself and then they went to write a suicide note, realized how bad they were at writing, and they were embarrassed about it.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't write anything that sounded any good.

Nice, so they gave up on it.

Interesting.

Yeah, you think there's going to be suicide, like

hey, man, how about a Black Mirror episode?

A Suicide Selfie?

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Huh?

Yeah.

Suicide Snapchat.

That's already happened.

There's been plenty of people that have killed themselves on cam.

I remember watching a video of a guy hanging himself on, like damn, some streaming service.

No, but I, and it's fucked up, dude.

I mean, you like, because you know, you mean like Amazon Prime?

Yeah,

on Netflix, yeah.

If you liked this guy, if you like this artist,

he sits there and his fucking face turns blue.

You know, and they call the police, and the police show up, like, you know, an hour later, and he's just dead.

Damn.

Yeah.

That sucks.

Yeah.

You watch that whole thing?

Yeah.

That's fucked up, bro.

Why are you putting that kind of shit in your fucking green space?

Goth.

Look, we all die, man.

You're never going going to be goth, dude.

I'm sorry.

It's better to acclimate yourself.

You keep talking about wanting to be goth, you're not going to be goth.

I know.

I'm not going to do anything.

I'm literally never going to do anything.

I've done nothing to get here, and I will do nothing to maintain it or change it.

That's right.

I'm going to continue doing this podcast until I have to shit,

and then I'll go do that, and then I'll come back.

Yeah.

We should say those were awesome shows in Australia.

Thank you, everyone, for coming.

Yeah.

And sucking.

Psych.

Psych.

Fuck you, you awesome pieces of shit.

Double psych.

Most of you are cool.

There's one guy in particular who I'm not going to name, but you know who you are.

He knows.

You fucking suck.

What the best part is,

you're going to ruin so many people.

Nah, you're all cute as hell.

That was the point.

You're all cute as hell.

Yeah, that was the point.

We definitely aren't both thinking of a guy.

I mean, obviously, one guy has to be the worst.

But yeah, dude, I'm trying to go back to Australia.

Come on, Mickey Mouse.

Stop sucking my dunk.

Stop sunking my dick.

Peel back your foreskin.

Phil.

Let me get underneath it.

I'm on pills.

I'm fucked up.

I'm on pills.

I'm ready to suck dick.

I don't want to do gay porn.

That's why I have to take my agra haul.

Yo, I'm Bam Margera.

This is Gay Drug Addict, the Mickey Mouse jackass

i'll do whatever you fellas want for i'll wait to suck dick

oh the only thing i've ever done to suck dick

i love it

damn i thought we had more characters than uh i don't know man i was ready to go but god i'm really fake honestly we're both so jet-lagged right now yeah we were gonna do this earlier but nick uh got an audition to be in the newest uh michael bay movie i'm in the new michael Bay movie.

It's called Holocaust.

Six million question mark, question mark question.

Yeah, no, it's Knights of the Holocaust.

And we play

King Arthur's Knights have entered a time rift and they wind up in Auschwitz with their horses and armor.

And they don't, at first, they're trying to help.

kill the Jews

as the Jews are their natural enemies.

Right, of course.

As knights.

Yeah.

that's so true, yeah.

And then they realize that the Nazis have gone too far, yes, that they don't even they're not even letting a few Jews like deal with their money and whatever, which is that they're not just imprisoning them, they're starving them and killing them, right?

And out of the integrity of King Arthur, yes, he helps the Jews rise up to just regular prisoner status.

And then him and the Nazis shake hands, they're like beautifully done wars.

And then he helps, he

fixes Hitler's poor military strategy.

And we now live in a world where it's Nazis and Knights.

Nazis and Knights coming soon.

Directed by Michael Bay.

Rated, fuck you.

Rated, no fucking

bitches.

Fucking boys only.

No Muslim people.

Do not bring your girlfriend to this movie.

Do not even consider being Muslim

ever in your life.

Rated X.

Rated X, because there will be full rape scenes.

Uncensored, unlike that.

King Arthur has to pull Excalibur out of Hitler's ass.

Yeah.

King R word.

How about that?

King R word?

That's good.

King R word and the Knights of the short, but round.

Round is already

in the round tongue.

Knights of the Round Tongue.

nights of the lunch table

nights of the

round

yeah we want it's me king alwood

yeah because if it was a square table you could say that i don't know what does he have to pull out of what he pulls excalibur out of the some kind of stone yeah if he can pull the cat out of the shoebox that's hiding it from him

and pet it backwards

why why is petting it backwards a thing just because they don't even register where the head is or i don't know

i've definitely heard that a lot i don't understand why just because it's funny yeah it's just very funny i would like to know the origin they just do it wrong i i mean i pet cats backwards all the time yeah well you i mean that doesn't do anything to change that argument yeah yes it does no it doesn't i'm actually a genius

wrong your tick is small and you're stupid as shit.

This is the police.

We're trying to start a genius.

This is the police in a helicopter, and we have bigger dicks than that other guy who says he's the police.

And you're retarded and gay, sir.

Actually, this is the real police.

Hello, this is James Bond.

And I think every American is wrong.

And you'll actually get it.

I have to shit again already.

What?

I know.

What else did you eat?

This can't just be.

I'll be honest with you.

I did not shit once the the entire time we were on vacation and it's all coming up oh my god really yeah cuz my brain adjusted to the other time zone so it's like all systems shut down

we're going no hard-ons no hard cock yeah my dick

did not work that entire trip yeah and now my dick is working extremely yeah not I mean it still sucks still bad but it's still bad

it's still a pretty garbage dick but as far as dicks go yeah you know it's like imagine sitting in your driveway and your fucking Chrysler LeBaron won't turn over, but you got that sunroof coming down.

Oh, yeah.

You know?

It's like, hey, bitch, you want to come hang out in my driveway?

We can pretend we're on the PCH

as I take the top down on the.

No, all right.

Yeah, the car won't start, but it doesn't start, but Jake is

like going, the roof is coming off uneven, so one side gets stuck and it just rips all my clothes off.

Yeah, the car doesn't start, but I'll try and start it like seven times.

He's like, it looks like your dick doesn't work either.

I'm like, bitch, one step at a time.

You fucking hoo-ah.

Yeah.

Oh, folks, listen.

For years, it's like, you know, you're horny when you're young, and you're like, I wish I didn't want to fuck all the time.

Yes.

And then you get older and you don't want to fuck all the time and your dick doesn't work anymore.

And you're like, fuck.

Yeah.

God, I wish I could have another thing to take away from myself.

Well, I got to say, my dick has been working pretty well as of late, and I don't know why.

Yeah, you won't know why until next week.

We're going to find out.

The big reveal on the show.

There's a big reveal, folks.

Yeah, there's a big reveal for us.

The show has finally paid off.

Yeah.

It's finally worth it.

Finally.

For guys like us.

I've been thinking about quitting, honestly, for like six months.

Did I say this before?

I got post-traumatic breast disorder.

I don't think so.

And it's because I fucked the girl's titties were too big.

And now I wake up screaming.

Sign me up.

I think about my friends just face down and all that pussy.

Sign me up for that.

And I'm like,

for what?

For some pussy oil?

Big-ass titties.

Some pussy oil?

I would do it for some pussy oil.

Why don't we go to war for pussy anymore?

Because I feel like there's plenty.

I feel like all wars would end if

you had to fuck all the women of a...

Like, do you really think we would be invading the Middle East if the soldiers still had to fuck all the women?

I think they do, unfortunately.

Look, I've studied these kinds of things.

I think that's kind of a big problem.

I know.

No, no, no.

You do not say that about the American military.

These are upstanding men that just want to help people.

But if you force them to rape women and children,

we would not be invading these countries.

Interesting.

If there's one thing I know about the military, they do not have a problem with sexual assault.

They do not have

any way.

They're too busy saluting the flag and sending love letters home to their enormously fat wife

who they've only held hands with because

they're waiting to come back from war.

They're saving themselves.

That's right.

They're waiting to have half Latino, half white babies.

Yeah.

You know, it's like it's too late for me to save sex for marriage, you know?

So I figure what I'm going to do is save gay sex for marriage.

So when I marry my wife, a couple weeks after we finally, you know, we tie the knot or whatever, I'm just going out fucking hundreds of dudes.

Yes, that's right.

And she's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I made a promise to you and God.

Lord.

This is between me and my fucking sister.

Stay out of it.

You fucking bitch.

Stay out of this.

They told me I would be fucking tempted.

Hey, I'll tell the priest about it when I get back from Cabo, San Lucas,

where me and Javier are going and

we're taking fucking just bags and bags of Molly, and we are going to make one with God

through each other's powerful body.

I will reach out to you.

I had gay sex.

I had gay sex.

To piss off my wife.

Just to piss off my wife.

I'm not gay.

Really, she was being a bitch.

And

I couldn't fuck another woman.

I'm unfuckable, so I had to get raped.

Fuck, I'm stuck.

There we go.

Yeah, I'm fading hard as shit right now, dude.

Gay sex.

It's 9:27.

Damn, yeah.

On the Pizam.

I gotta fucking.

I gotta make it another couple hours.

I think an hour and a half, and then I'll sleep.

Yeah.

My little brother said you're not supposed to, like, try and rig the system, but he can suck my fucking dick.

My dick, bad.

My dick sucks.

My dick really bad, and my dick fucking sucks.

Luda.

swish

christopher what's his name luda christopher luda was his christopher christopher llewellyn i think christopher christopher christopher louisiana georgie christmas

georgie christmas georgie christmas coming to the mound and it looks like a homera homer oh that's a bald and he's gay and and this is the police and this is the police and you're gay and this is bam margaro and we're going to sunk phil's dicks.

We're going to sunk Phil's penis.

I can't wait to sunk Phil's penis with my mouth.

Ah, folks, that'll probably do it for us.

Yeah, sorry, everybody.

I don't think we have nothing to apologize.

First of all, that first hour had a blast doing it.

You take a shit, and as far as I'm concerned, this is all bonus.

This is to make up.

I mean, we don't have to make up shit.

You motherfuckers got three live shows in the place of one regular one.

Yeah.

Hey, you can sunk our dicks

if you don't like it.

As always, go to patreon.com slash come town.

If you want to really get in on,

look, there's secret prizes.

This is lying to people.

There's so much good stuff.

You're entered into a raffle to me.

There's a raffle to meet me and Stavros and Adam.

You can hang out with us and say whatever you want.

And you can give us drugs and

women.

We'll look at you.

We'll listen to all your jokes and laugh at them.

Yeah, we'll rip with you.

And it'll turn out you're actually the funniest person.

Yeah, you're actually so much funnier.

But you can't do it because of some bullshit reason.

Yeah, because you have to

make spreadsheets.

People count on you to sell insurance.

That's why you would never do comedy.

Yeah, so anyway, sorry to bully you guys right now, but listen.

Look, we're not even talking about you.

We're talking about one specific guy.

That one guy.

Just one guy who knows who he is.

He he knows who he is, and it's not you, it's not you, but he knows that he's but if it is you, oh boy, is it damn?

That sucks.

That is you, that's it's really you.

Why are you?

If it's you, it's it's so you, dude.

But it's not, but it's not you, so please, and you know how it can definitely not be you if you go to patreon.com slash come town and sign up for remember, every dollar helps find Adam Walsh.

That's right, who's Adam Walsh?

John Walsh's son.

Oh, right.

It was his son.

I thought it was his daughter.

It was his daughter, Adam Walsh.

That's right.

We can't assume that she wasn't trans.

That's true.

It would be wrong to assume that Adam Walsh's daughter, Adam, or John Walsh's daughter, Adam, wasn't a trans girl.

Well, I mean, you know.

She didn't live long enough to pick her gender.

How old was

she?

G.

How old were they?

What the fuck is G?

It's like you're either a boy or a girl or Chinese.

Yes, it's that one, though.

These are Chinese.

What the fuck, yeah.

What the fuck is racism?

Well, it's actually, you know, when you.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I know what that is.

Whoa, that's fucked up.

That's weird that that happens.

Fuck my ass.

Fuck my mouth.

Alright, I'm going to like pass out, bro.

Yeah, me too, bro.

I'm about to die.

Order up your little something.

Everyone, please come out here and suck our fucking.

You say you saw a solo and it's really bad.

You know what?

I was watching it, and the first half is kind of bullshit, but the second half picks up.

How about Hans Holo?

Yeah.

They made the.

My name is Hans, and this is my asshole.

He made the asshole to penis run in less than 20 parsecs.

Hans, old buddy, let me get in that fucking ass.

He was good.

Donald Glover was good.

Oh, he played young Lando?

Yeah.

Damn.

And you didn't do a Billy D.

Williams hologram.

The only part I didn't like is that they made Han be like a good guy, and it seems like he should be a scumbag.

Yeah.

But I actually ended up enjoying.

I watched Half on the Plane to Australia.

And what's his deal?

He goes around space stealing cum to eat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The only thing that powers spaceships is fucking is a specific kind of larva.

Oh, it's Nerf Herder cum.

It's come from a taunt on

the only way the the hyperdrive is going to work is if

we put cum in the.

We got Chewy, we need your cum.

Is he still smashing Callista Flockhart's frail ass?

That's a strange-ass celebrity couple, if you ask me.

Oh, Callista.

Why don't you fucking spit on it?

God damn.

It hurts my throat to do his voice.

But at least you did it for our adoring fans whom we love.

Listen, everyone.

I'm gay actor Harrison Ford.

And this is

gay, Jackass.

I'm gay actor Harrison Ford, and this is Sunk Phil's dick.

Come on, Solo.

Come on, the fugitive.

Come on.

Stop.

Come on.

What is this?

U.S.

Marshals going on down here?

Come on, you know, I got to work in the morning.

Indiana James, come on.

Come on, Indiana.

This deck belongs in a museum.

That'll do it for us, folks.

Goodbye.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We the man to equal it.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.