Ep. 126 – m’gay mate

Alright, I guess we should do this fucking shit.

Here we are having sex.

Is it where we going?

Did you hit play?

Yeah, I hit record.

Let's do it.

Hello, everyone.

We guy.

We having guy six.

We're here in Sydney, New South Wales.

Mm-hmm.

Today is Wednesday night.

Stop telling people.

What do you think?

You're the news?

I'm gay.

This show.

Hello, I'm Walter Gay.

Man, Stop.

Just did a bad show that Adam was too much of a coward to do because he was crying

or the Dodgers blowing it.

Yeah, you were fucking in your Kiki Hernandez show.

He had to call his dad and have a cry session on the phone.

It was a rough game.

One.

He's like, this is just like the Holocaust.

Everything's like the Holocaust.

He didn't say it was just like the Holy Spirit.

But the World Series is like the Holocaust today.

And then I went to Baskin Robbins and they were out of the oatmeal raisin cookie.

And I said, this is just like the Holocaust.

He said, worse.

And then I went out to the parking lot and I had locked my keys in the car.

And I said, this is just like the Holocaust.

And then one of my shoes was untied.

And I said, this is just like the Holocaust.

Those things could have very feasibly, very like in the Holocaust.

It could have happened.

How many people?

Any of those things?

How many people in your family got got?

Everybody?

My mom's dad lost like all of his

stuff.

It's like that soap that kills 99.9% of bacteria.

You're like, but don't wash your hands because the 0.1% it leaves.

And

you're talking about Jewish people.

You got

your family specific people.

Your family, you know?

Look, I'm not an anti-Semite.

I just don't like Jewish.

Just my family.

All right.

I think the Holocaust was a fucking fucking atrocity, dude.

And it's real, and it's like one of the most depressing things.

As long as you're not painting

in human history, but if your family was in there,

I guess it's not all bad.

I guess enough

got out to produce me.

The Silver Linings playbook.

That's page number one.

Say the Holocaust was good.

Yep.

I don't think it was a different.

That's Jennifer Lawrence's character.

Did you actually look in the playbook?

Because that's the first page.

What about all the good things Hitler did?

Yeah, that's

not about Hitler.

It's about the Eagles.

Robert De Niro loved the Philadelphia Eagles.

He was Bradley Cooper.

He was like

the mental illness.

It is kind of a face impression, so it's not really going to come across.

He's doing De Niro's frown, the classic frown.

I didn't even look at Jean-Christ.

I'm doing the face frown.

You guys know the face I'm doing.

The frown.

Oh, come on.

You know, the fucking Jews.

Looks more like Silvio from the Soprano.

Sil.

Sil, yeah.

Syl does a very nice frown.

Yeah.

Iconic tone.

I told him I was gay, and he fucked me in my ass.

Tone.

Tone.

I told the guy I was gay.

You fucked me up.

I told the guy I was gay.

You filled my ass with cum.

You know, what are you going to do?

Fuck my ass until I came.

Tone, I'm fucking gay too, Tone.

Tone.

There was a guy.

He fucked my ass.

You let these guys fuck you up.

I have to try to do Pauly.

Yeah.

You let him.

I was the gayest guy in the army.

You should have seen me.

I was the gayest guy in the army.

No, no, no, no.

What's the actual line where he talks about the guy taking pictures of him?

He was like,

we had a pull-up contest.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, did you hear what I said?

I said, do you remember your first blowjob?

I said, what was the guy's name?

Adam Selfer, what's his name the other day?

Oh, it was incredible.

I'm so mad that didn't happen on the podcast.

It would have been.

Listen, guys, I'm constantly creating gold.

As I've said before, I'm your muse.

You're suck dickle imp tinskin.

What's that?

Rumpelsteel skin.

Suckle Timskin.

Suck dickle impskin.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, whatever he says, what you are.

Yeah, I am suck dickle.

I agree with that.

No, like Rumpelstilskin.

Sufficiently owned.

Anyway, so it's great to be with Sydney.

Thanks to everyone.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're going to talk about how you self-watch his named for a second.

Okay, we were talking about Alvin and the chip.

No, you will not be doing it.

Why?

We will be talking about it.

You will not be doing it.

Just trying to control the narrative, bro.

No care.

You're going to destroy the menu.

They let the Jews be in charge of the Holocaust Museum.

All right.

And it's like, you got owned.

I don't think you get to tell the story.

Get me run by Germans.

Yeah, dude.

They were the ones that dunked.

You trust the Jews to be like, oh, yeah, okay, we got burned, but here's how it happened.

Yeah, that's funny.

There's probably 30 million that died.

It's very funny.

It was only 6 million.

It wasn't that big of a deal.

It wasn't that big a deal.

The Germans should have done it, yeah.

Yeah.

And I think that 5 to 95% of the audience really liked that bit.

You mean 2%?

You think we have 2% Nazis?

Oh, I thought you meant Jews.

No.

You think 95%?

Yeah, it could be.

2% of the world?

99.8% of the world's wealth.

Yeah, that's fucked up.

That's a totally different thing.

You want to recap this thing.

Look at us.

Single one in the towers.

All right.

Why did they all call in sick that day?

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Like, every just rank-and-file Jewish person was told there's an Israeli conspiracy to destroy.

We're going to bomb

the song.

That's the sideboard that you don't tell anyone.

Mossads.

No, it wasn't.

God, that's so fucking funny.

Every Jew called insane that day.

Listen, it was a tragedy.

A lot of Jews almost died.

Just say the thing.

Don't tell me when to say it, motherfucker.

Yeah, don't start making demands.

Adam's been peeing sitting down this whole trip.

No, I haven't.

I've refused to listen to you.

Nick made a request that I pee to sit down because he doesn't like how it would look.

He let me stand up while I...

You got out that you were standing up and being

god damn it

he doesn't like how that would look

it would be

it would be a pr nightmare and you know it i'm not taking pictures of myself pissing if it got out unlike you sir what on your why are you turning this on me man golden shower based get chub chubby chaser i've never done a golden

account and i have great content everyone please follow at stavi baby2 Baby2, S-T-A-V-V-Y-Baby2

for beautiful body-positive images that media today is frankly not doing enough of.

And I'm trying to fill that void the way I'm about to fill Adam's mouth with my two hairy nuts.

That's disgusting stuff.

I would never let you fill my mouth.

Adam's salivating.

His body

wearing a bib.

He just put a bib on.

His body's betraying it.

It's like, that's disgust.

Disgusting.

Pardon me every

day.

So I wish I could stop drooling all over you.

Oh, God.

I literally just had a...

Oh, no.

Yeah, dude.

Dasha was keeping you safe for a week.

Me and the boys have been ethics.

Dasha left.

When is this store open for business?

Excuse me, Miss Dasha.

Dasha, can we please call Adam gay?

Well, me and Stop were busy keeping her safe from all those Japanese men.

What are you talking about?

Well, you were trying on kimonos.

Women's kimonos, to be clear.

Right.

No, they were.

No,

it was a male's dress that I was wearing.

A men's dress.

Culturally appropriate.

So we were talking about Alvin and the chip, and I was saying how we're basically Alvin and the chip.

We represent each one.

I'm the one with the hat.

Stav is the fat one.

I'm the adorable one.

I'm the glass.

And Adam's the Jewish one.

Adam's the Jewish.

The gay one.

With the glasses.

Nervous.

And so I said that when we were looking at a picture, we were like, oh, my God.

Nick's like, wow, that is us.

And then Adam says, who's that adult guy that they live with?

That's who Adam wanted to know about.

That was a fair question.

Adam wanted to know about the man.

What's that guy's name?

What's that man?

What's his name?

What's the human's man?

Can I get the more information on that guy?

So I'm not allowed to ask, literally, when anyone...

Bro, you're allowed to ask what anyone's name is.

That's the first question you asked.

We're talking about Alvin and the Chipmunks, and you're like, is that guy single?

I didn't ask if he was single.

Yes, he was.

But it turns out he was very handsome.

We looked up pictures.

No, you looked at pictures.

Me and Stav were too busy laughing.

Yeah, that was.

You guys weren't laughing.

That was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

You self-what's his name?

It was so funny.

Sav is like, it could all end, Adam.

All the torment can end if you just admit that that's funny.

Admit it's funny.

And then I said, I'll never admit that's funny.

And then on the walk,

when we were away from Dick, he was like, just admit it.

Just admit it's funny.

And I said, I will.

Listen, was 9-11 a great, a very well-executed plan?

You know, did they follow through on their plans?

Here comes the Silver Linings playbook.

But you can't tell the terrorists that.

Right, right, right.

Just like I can't tell Nick that myself, what's his name?

And his immediate ridicule is.

It was beautiful, dude.

It was.

It's a silver lining split.

It's just filled with stuff that's like you get caught with child pornography, but you learned about downloads and stuff.

Yeah, now you know.

You learn what the world is.

You know all about it.

Plus that is, you know how computers work.

That's right.

You know, fucking solid-state drive.

You know what that is now.

Because

we're not using an SSD for that shit.

That's right.

You want to access your child pornography quickly.

You can't wait the extra second.

No, you need to.

Someone do a bit about how

Bitcoin's worth so much money now, now, but there was all these people that got it to buy child pornography.

And now they're rich.

Now they're rich.

I guess that's the silver line.

Has someone done that as a business?

I don't know.

I don't know if I've heard it.

It seems so obvious that.

Well, it was also people buying drugs, too, and pedophiles.

Yep.

Well, that's what Nick said.

The second thing you said is the first thing you said.

So let's go ahead.

Now you can just repeat exactly what I said.

I said, in addition to pedophiles, it was also people buying drugs.

I was adding to what you said.

That was not a repeat.

I don't think it's that obvious.

I think that's pretty funny.

The same way, I don't think the only thing we were laughing about is that obvious.

A gay guy

proposing to another man

by getting on his knee.

Putting a ring on his dick.

I think that's probably.

Nah, man.

I think that's probably out there.

No chance, dude.

We came up with that.

That's Nick, brother.

Adam's never come up with a bit in his goddamn life.

That's not true.

I've come up with plenty of bits.

Not a single thing in his goddamn life.

In his fucking life.

But hey, everyone, by the way, who came to Sydney the Comedy Store, shouts out to them.

Thank you so much for coming.

Those are great shows.

Many of you came for both.

We want to suck you and we want to fuck you for that one.

So appreciate you.

Malbin, we'll be there shortly, my little sluts.

Friday night.

Still some tickets left to the stand-up show.

The podcast has already sold out.

I think they're both sold out.

No.

I think Brizzy.

Brizzy, they're both sold out.

I think Brizzy podcast sold out.

Oh, really?

Well, listen, just try and buy tickets if you listen.

Let everyone buy whatever is available.

And we owe a lot of guys a lot of money.

My spine hurts.

For what from?

I don't know.

It's fucking hurt.

Getting sucked.

Is that where you're cranky?

maybe?

I'm not cranky.

What are you talking about?

You get your cheeks.

You're projecting.

You're cranky.

We had a lovely walk today, and then you came back

as a crank.

I did not.

I was not in a crank mood.

Anyway.

We didn't do shit today.

We were going to do stuff.

I'm done doing shit.

Oh, we might be going on an international tour.

Yes.

We might literally do a world tour.

This is pretty crazy, but we might be literally going on a world tour.

Yeah.

And touring for three months.

Lagos, Nigeria.

Yeah.

We were two of the best comedians in Nigeria.

The thing Nigerian people like is to be talked to like this.

Hello, my brothers.

Yeah.

It is I starve.

Have you ever noticed when you go to buy sandals, but they do not have any sandals at the sandal store?

And you have to walk home without shoes on.

And you say, why didn't I just wear my other sandals to the sandal store?

Every time you do this, and they're like, that is true.

Every time

you think that you will get the sandals there,

but they are closed.

Stop, please stop talking like that.

We can see you.

They just not fans of Come Town.

They just think comedy is coming to Nigeria.

Right.

So funny.

They think it is an opportunity for business networking.

Nigerians think every public event is a business meeting.

Hell yeah, dude.

Nigerians fucking love college, dude.

It's for creating ultimate money.

So true.

Yeah.

Creating ultimate money.

Iago, where are you going?

Get off my back.

I am going to a business meet and greet with the Come Town Podcast.

I would love to meet.

Yeah, but they are American business entrepreneurs from America.

Listen, if you're a Nigerian entrepreneur, pitch me.

Let's do Shark Tank.

I'm trying to invest.

Dude,

I would love to lose all of my money investing in weird Nigerian businesses.

You have heard of limousines, but what about stretch sandals?

You and all

of your friends can wear the same pair of sandals.

And you all walk around together.

That way, because it is one pair of sandals, when you get to the sandals store, three of your friends can buy normal sandals and wear the normal sandals home.

And you maintain the limousine-size sandals

to keep for yourself.

And this will solve the problem of, and in case the sandals store is closed,

you will wear the limousine sandals back home.

Dude, I'm sold on stretch sandals.

Yeah.

Coming up, a Nigerian shark tag.

I want $12 to buy a lemonade.

What is your business idea?

Did I drink the lemonade?

Okay, fine.

Yeah, you have that.

I'll give you $6,

and then you bring me half the lemonade to drink for me.

And then I get 10% on all your piece from now on.

I get a 10% stake on your piece.

Nigerian shark tank.

I would like to have dinner.

What was it?

Nigerian cinema.

I want to watch a whole Nigerian movie.

Hollywood?

All I see is the clips online, and they look incredible, dude.

No, Ugandan cinema is the best.

Is that Ugandan?

The one where it's all like the special effects are all bullshit, and it's that baby.

And that, oh my God,

clip, which is one of the best clips of all time.

Yeah, that guy.

Oh, my God.

I cannot wait to be a Hollywood director.

So I'm going on Nigerian Shark Tank to pitch my movie idea.

Where the it is a pair of sandals that has a projector inside of it.

And this will play the movie or this is the movie?

Or can you

clarify?

Projector in the sandals will wherever you are walking, it goes forward.

So it will project the wall in front of you and you can pretend you are walking to someplace nicer than your house.

Interesting.

And And what I really want is $12

to go buy a lemonade.

Lemonade in Nigeria is really expensive, man.

You got to import the lemons, dude.

That's all native to Nigeria.

You never got any lemons out there?

No, no, they're lemon switching.

Where do lemons grow?

That's the idea.

We bring lemons to Nigeria.

Lemons are citrus, right?

Yeah.

Florida.

Florida.

Yeah.

Australia also has citrus.

Because in Japan, I bought an orange and it had a little kangaroo on it.

Really?

Yes, sir.

Did you eat a Japanese pear when we were there?

I did not.

They're very good.

Well, you were hoarding all the Japanese pears, man.

You didn't have to tell you didn't tell anybody else about them?

No, I was on the go one day.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I bet you were.

I was.

I was on I was on the go.

With who?

With my girl.

What's his name?

This is a Nigerian guy going around Shark Tank.

Where his idea is like a door that's on wheels.

You can go anywhere.

You can open any door.

You can end up in any room you want.

QA.

This is where...

Haven't you always wanted to go through a door?

Perhaps to the beach.

I like the beach, but there are no doors to go through.

Yeah, when you go to the beach, there is no door to walk through.

How does it...

It doesn't even matter.

You can have a doorman at the beach.

You bring your own door to the beach.

And that way, you can open the door for your friends to be a doorman, even at the beach.

Oh, fuck.

What's the biggest city in Nigeria?

I would love a sketch.

It's just Nigerian shark tank.

There's just like they'd say no to the door guy, and then a man walks out with his arms outstretched, and he's covered in cotton balls glued to him, but his penis is hanging out.

And he's like, My friends!

And they're like, no.

just a massive Nigerian car.

Absolutely.

But you have not even heard my business idea.

Oh, fuck, dude.

That's a big-ass city, though, right?

Nigeria is the richest country in Africa.

Yeah, they're probably rich as hell.

They took over from my native land of South Africa, which was the white devil's business.

It was the breadbasket of African countries.

Nigerians are obsessed with being businessmen.

Yeah, dude.

Well, they have a lot of people.

They've been scamming their way to shit.

No, they have a lot of oil.

Nah, it's mostly email scams.

It is the Prince email scam guy, but it is also oil.

Yeah.

I believe.

And hip-hop.

They've exported a lot of hip-hop around the world.

Ooh, this is a great word.

This is a kid.

That's right.

Nigeria Business News.

Businessnews.com.ng.

Uh-huh.

Oh, God.

What's the first?

This is a tough, this is a real slippery slope here.

I'm not.

Let's go down it for a second.

DMO extends extends N100 billion suck hoc offer.

What the fuck is suck hoc?

No, you're making that up.

No, yeah, suck hoc, I guess, is their money.

Nuh-uh.

They buy things with suckhawks.

Can I have 10 suck hocks, please?

No, no, sorry.

Sukkhak is the Arabic name for financial certificates.

What?

That's pretty good too, though.

Also commonly referred to as Sharia-compliant bonds.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of Muslims.

Wait, wait, Sharia.

You have to, it has to be Sharia compliant?

Yeah, if you're a Muslim.

Yeah, if you want to invest in Sharia law, you need to buy a suckock.

Oh, you have to have 10 sucks.

If you want your fucking wife to look like a ninja or whatever.

You got to let

conservative radio know about this.

People that think Sharia law is coming to the stage.

It's coming, dude.

They're trying to do that.

That caravan.

What the fuck's going on?

They're talking about.

There's like a fucking Mad Max style caravan full of Mexicans and Muslims coming to the border.

I've become so racist that I legitimately thought the Nigerian business news shit would be like, I'm opening a Sando's.

No, they're rich as hell, Dan.

It's like a huge country.

It's like a wildly influential country.

They're super powerful.

And I'm like, what the fuck is this?

A thousand firms bid for government contracting?

This isn't funny at all.

My friend.

Yeah, FMC Bank launches limited personal and business banking propositions.

This isn't.

Where's the sandal stuff that I imagine in my head?

No, there.

We are selling Bluetooth speakers, Bluetooth headsets, and sandals together.

No longer will you have to buy a separate headset.

Who is excited for Bluetooth sandals?

Bluetooth sandals.

A million dollars.

That sets off a fucking war.

I want 10 million soccer.

I would give you 10 million.

That should be compliant with Sharia law.

Anyway, guys.

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And they will give it to you.

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That's right.

Bet

award-winning mobile app.

Already said it.

They offer

live in-game wagering.

You know what that means?

Change your mind?

Fucking hedge your shit.

You know, hedge your bets.

I tell people, hedge your bets all the time.

I say, buy low, sell high.

I bet on both teams every game.

Every game you can't lose that way.

Boston Boys versus the Los Angeles Faggots.

Yeah, Los Angeles.

Los Angeles

Homos.

The Queens.

That's right.

Right?

That's L.A.

Homos.

Look, you go online right now, and the odds are in your favor here.

Put every dollar you have on the Dodgers.

You haven't ever made, even dollars you haven't made yet.

Dodgers in three.

Take out a bet.

Listen to this.

Take out a bet.

The Dodgers in three.

Yeah.

We watch the World Series.

Oh, no.

Are we done with the Reed?

Take Out a Loan.

No, we're not done with the Read yet.

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It doesn't matter what the interest is because these are the ones.

What we need to read.

This is a real website that I use.

That we love using.

I love using it.

I go online.

I use it all the time.

I made $400.

Look, dude, I'm a multi-billionaire.

And the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is winning more and more money.

Wagering on Bet DS.

Just betting, yeah, wild gambles.

BeatmeoffGuys.com.

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And you can go there and you can check out the website.

And by the way, you can also email us at staff at beatmeoffguys.com.

Did you get those emails?

Adam and YouTube Friedland at beatmeoffguys.com.

Oh, you got them both.

Yeah, I got them both.

I locked it down.

I knew that the second one might be available.

I wanted to make it mine.

That's pretty cool.

Anyways, what are your picks for the World Series?

World Series, I'm saying.

Boston.

I guess I got to root for the.

I'm picking the Dodgers because I'm picking with my cock.

Yeah, I'm telling you, dude.

Dodgers and three.

Dodgers and three.

We watched game one today.

They had a chance to steal it, but they did not.

Strike ass.

Strike ass.

Strike ass.

Two.

Fuck.

Joke.

Joe.

Fuck.

Yeah, we were real.

And a grand slit.

Oh, no, it's balls.

It was just a ball, ball three.

Sorry, folks.

It looked like he was going to hit that one out of the park.

And now I'm being told no one was on base, actually.

Sorry about that, folks.

The game was yesterday.

The game will begin shortly.

I'm sorry, I'm watching Dharma and Greg on my phone.

I was watching Family Guy.

Stewie got a hit.

Yeah, Stewie made me laugh about an evil monkey in Chris's closet.

And we're all reminded of the evil monkey inside of ourselves

in the great beautiful game of the divine sports.

Labella Gamo.

La Bella Gamo.

Fenway Park.

Baseball of Douche.

Fenway Park, a cathedral of the sport.

Of the sport of the bells.

Of the bells.

Coming to bat now is Georgie Christmas.

George Christmas.

Number 20.

Looks like a three from here.

The script is kind of weird.

I'll say 28 or 23.

And another good job by the player.

The player gets it, and he gets the ball.

And that's actually actually Joe Buck did somebody say that.

That's how it started.

He said another good job

by the catcher.

By the catcher.

The players are going out on the field.

And one thing's for certain: we will see something happen today.

And not many people know this, but actually,

when it goes back to L.A.,

they will not be using designated hitters.

It's going to be

a good thing.

D, standing for designated H for hitter.

And for that's strike two.

Hitler.

That's strike two, and I'm sorry that was actually a double.

That's actually a hit.

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Come 25.

Come 20.

20.

120.

120.

Come 120.

Sorry.

Come 120.

Come 120.

Not the gay shit Adams.

You get an extra 120%

off the.

Strike ass.

Sorry.

Strike ass.

No, that was.

Yeah.

Strike.

And it's a grand slant.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, that was ball two.

It was, yeah.

Got me again.

Another good job.

And here comes George Christmas again.

No, that's Derek Jeter.

And the wind-up.

Oh,

he's walking off the mound.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

They've got...

Now an older pitcher has actually come to the mound.

I'm just talking to him?

I'm being told now that there is a third baseball team on the field that wears gray uniforms, and you're allowed to boss people around.

The rules of the divine game ever-changing.

At this conceived,

La Gama Dela, Bella Dude.

Like life itself,

the rules of the game are constantly in flux.

In flux.

And in fact, maybe there won't be no

bottom of the seventh.

How many more innings will this game go?

No one knows.

It's hard to tell.

Once again, Boston's up 13.

Could go.

Frankly, I'm surprised it's still going on.

We're sitting here at the top of the eighth, 13 to 1, and it's anybody's guess how many innings this is going to be.

I think they played a 20 or something.

Maybe 15, which win by 2 versus a 21, I believe.

And the Dodgers are on their 15th reliever, and the score is 22 to 0.

And we're looking at extra innings here.

I'm sorry.

Those were the Ks.

I keep counting.

That's just strikeouts.

I don't know what the score is, folks.

K, which stands for K stands for okay by me.

Extra 120% when you use promo code.

Come120 at betsi.com.

You get 120% bonus on your deposit.

And that is a grand slay.

Oh, sorry.

Again, I don't.

I keep doing that, and I really apologize.

I'm sorry.

It's so exciting.

I witnessed one and I keep hoping it's not a good idea.

Can you please stop watching Family Guy?

I'm being told the game has been over, and I am just announcing over the Family Guy feed for the last 20 minutes.

The child has been hit with a foul ball, and you can only hope that she has Down syndrome or some kind of intellectual disability that this does not affect her life in any significant way.

Strike two.

Strike two.

He walked.

I'm sorry.

And a lot of people don't know this, but there's strike two, and it looks like the inning's over.

And it's over.

Strike two, two outs, one out.

It's tough to keep track.

One out, and that is the

middle of the ninth.

And that'll be it here, folks, and they won't even bother batting, I don't think.

And he strikes out the side with nine balls.

Once you walk everyone, if everyone makes their way around the bases, we are winning baseball history here.

It looks like the batter is allowed to advance to first base without actually having to hit the ball.

Because the pitcher was so bad.

It was just a cough throwing the pitcher into letting him do it.

Incredible psychological warfare.

We're witnessing baseball history here.

The battery's been hit by the ball.

Unprecedented in the annals of the Divine Cathedral.

He's never, ever seen baseball.

Not even like, he's only sort of familiar with it.

Yeah, yeah.

He went to a game one time when he was seven years old.

This guy kind of reminds me of Benny the Jet Rodriguez from

the film Sandlot.

Sandlot.

Which is really the only thing I've seen.

And it's really going to be a shy

because I couldn't understand why the dog was different sizes throughout the movie.

No one ever explained it to me, and my father beat me for crying and called me a faggot who will never have the same job as him.

What I don't understand is

how many balls do they have?

Because in the sand lot, it seemed like that was only, you know, seemed pretty tough to use a baseball.

The umpire is calling that ball three.

It's interesting.

It looks to be the same ball he has been throwing the entire time.

So I'm pretty sure that's going to be challenge.

They're going to send that one to New York.

There is no chance we're not seeing a challenge on that one.

I'm almost certain that is the same ball.

I watched it be thrown back to the pitcher.

And it looks like we're probably going to wait till the end of the game for that challenge.

As is customary, all of the challenges happen after.

There's a gentleman's agreement between the two coaches.

It's a grand slam.

Oh, sorry.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I just want to see a goddamn grand slam.

Wouldn't that be great, folks?

Coming up after Family Guy, the Cleveland show.

Yeah.

Sorry, Chief Wahoo.

Coming up on my phone after Family Guy, Star Trek The Next Generation.

A couple fine compilations.

And join me throughout the 6th and 7th

as I recreate the UPN network through streaming services.

UPN 1997.

Last year I was happy.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

And that's Strike As Strike As Strike As.

Strike As is what started it all.

Strike Ash.

Strike As.

Another good job.

Yeah, baseball's pretty fucking gay, if you ask me.

Yeah,

it's really not exciting anymore.

Why do you say anymore?

Because there's better switches to the sixth.

We wonder once again, am I allowed to go to the bathroom?

Can I go to the bathroom?

And never mind, I will be pissing in this commemorative Pepsi Cub.

The divine question.

How mad would people be if I just got up and went to the bathroom right now?

Folks, you know it, I know it.

Nothing really happens in baseball.

You can take it from here for a couple days.

And will people find out that I'm skyping in from my garage?

I'm skyped in.

My feed stopped working.

I have strike out.

Calling the game.

Yeah.

He's two outs and a ball.

Someone is definitely coming to the playtail.

He's actually showing up yet.

It's actually.

You can see a lot of movement out on the field.

Players moving at various speeds.

Some of them standing still, stoic almost.

Like the Big Ben, Big Ben Tower, the Time Teller of London,

that classic good tower that we all love.

He's at home.

He's putting to

Skype his way in, but the feet isn't worth it.

He's just claiming it on Reddit.

That's playing on Fox.

This is no reason for him to make the noises.

Finally, Finish

effect.

And Cracker Jacks,

they have a prize in them, and we all have a prize in ourselves.

It's called talent and ability, which you can see out here tonight and some of these fine young men demonstrating why athleticism is the answer to South America's obsession with fascist

fascism.

The greatest ideology.

The divine ideology, a cathedral to thought.

People that like baseball probably would be cool with fascism.

Yeah.

It's so old-fashioned.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's the

national passion.

It would be orderly.

They used to not allow blacks to do it.

Yep.

They got that guy in Boston, Yawkie.

He's racist as shit, I think.

Yeah.

Who's Yawkie?

Boston, dude.

A fan of theirs?

No, I think he was the owner.

Oh, now it's the Dunkin' Donuts guy, no?

Duncan?

No, the Kraft Robertson.

No, Robert Kraft owns the Patriots.

He doesn't own Boston.

No, it's the guy that owns Liverpool.

Oh, nice.

He owns the Red Sox.

John Henry.

Does he?

I think his name is John Henry.

Damn, look at the U.S.

Ambassador to Nigeria.

Just a white-ass guy.

Yeah, but he looks like a fake businessman.

Yeah, he definitely does.

They're like, who are we going to send over there?

Oh, a businessman that a child came up with.

Just slicked back, black hair.

Yeah.

Beautiful fucking hardcock.

Nigeria is the seventh largest integrated market in the world.

Damn.

Yeah.

Nigeria.

William Symington is the name of the U.S.

M.

What's the top six?

I don't know.

U.S.

Cali is number two.

Its own market?

Dude, Cali.

What happened to California seceding after Trump got elected?

That'll be cool.

I don't think they ever got around to it.

They should be coming back.

They're probably too stoned.

God has got him.

Got him, Adam.

I'm trying to get my dick sucked on the City Opera House at the top of it.

On the point at the top of the shell.

You think I could do it?

Yeah, there's no record of this William Symington guy being the U.S.

ambassador to Nigeria.

What do you mean?

You just saw a picture of a guy?

So says the Nigerian newspaper.

I think this guy's just pretending to be the U.S.

ambassador.

He's just never been there.

No, I think this guy, like, if you Google William Symington, some guy from the 1700s comes up.

Well, there might be more than one.

Ambassador.

I hope this is just some guy lying to Nigerians.

No, they're too crafty, dude.

They're too fucking crafty, those Nigerians.

No,

he's real.

That sucks.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Yeah.

It was tough ass trying ass time.

Yeah, preceded by James F.

Entwhistle.

Entwhistle?

Entwistle.

Pretty good name for this.

Bassist from the Who.

No.

How about the Pooh?

John Entwistle.

That's not his name.

How about the Me Too?

What?

Me Too?

He said me twoohoo.

Me too who.

It's like, but he says it like

what?

I got right, but it's me too.

I got me too.

My name's Hank Hill, and I've been raped and rape accessories.

Me too.

Something?

I sell Me Too and Me Too accessories.

I've been jerked off against the broken.

Have you said limited Me Too on the show?

Limited Me Too.

Like that clothes for little girls that got raped.

Oh, God.

God damn.

What?

What?

What?

It's just sad.

Why little girls getting raped?

Yeah, that's fucked up.

But it's good that they have a lot of people.

We've literally never talked about children getting raped before on the show.

This might be the first time.

Yeah, we did.

I'm just playing, dude.

You're playing?

How about Smee too?

It's the guy from Hook getting raped.

There we go.

We're back, baby.

Oh, Captain, stop fucking me ass.

Was that Mario who played Smee?

Yes, it was.

Bob Hoskins.

Bob Hoskins.

And it's not, he's not Mario.

That's literally the only thing I knew him from my whole life.

Sorry, Mario?

I knew him as Smee.

You know, Smee.

Yeah.

I knew him as Eddie Valiant, who framed Roger Rabbit.

Yep.

True.

I thought, I was like, wow, Smee is in Roger Rabbit.

Yeah.

But I saw Hook first.

My man Dustin Hoffman.

Given the performance of a lifetime.

Definitely, definitely.

I love having gay sex with people like Pan.

I want to trap Peter Pan.

We got to find Peter.

I'm going to look up.

I'm going to find Peter Pan.

I'm going to take my sword and I'm going to cut his pants off and I'm going to suck his cup.

Oh, Hook.

Listen, here's the plan.

I'm going to find Peter Pan.

When I find him, I'm going to use his magic to get my dick hard.

Think hard-ass dick thoughts.

My dick hasn't been hard for 15 years.

Listen, I'm trying to get my dick hard.

I can't really do Dustin Hoffman.

No, that was good.

It was a good, like, Rain Man, Dustin Hoffman.

I don't know, Mrs.

Robinson.

I just don't know if you're allowed to suck my cock.

That movie's about an old bitch that fucks a young man.

And then he fucks the daughter.

Whoa, he gets them both.

He's a pimp.

And then they run away to get married.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

Please come back and let me suck your cow.

I am gay.

I'm gay, gay, gay.

Here's to you, Mr.

Robinson.

I watch you mow the lawn and beat off

through the blinds.

Through the blinds.

Don't let them know.

When my parents aren't home from work, yet I watch you mow the lawn.

And I get my dick hard, and I beat off in the kitchen.

I ejaculate all over all the dishes.

And then my mom comes home and she tells herself it's not come.

Is it you, Mr.

Robinson, helping me discover my homosexuality from across the street?

I briefly dated your daughter.

I abused that poor girl just to get into your room and steal your underwear.

I'm going to rape you.

I'm going to rape Mr.

Robinson.

Well, I'm 17 years old and I'm

strong enough now

to kidnap a grown man to rape him in his own garage.

And he'll never tell the police because it's so humiliating.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

Nation turns its lonely eyes to you

and beats off

and sucks your cucks.

Paul Guyman.

Paul Guyman, dude.

Damn, honestly.

And God, if you really wanted to go on a gay rape spree

and have time.

Go to the 50s and start raping.

Yeah, you rape guys all day long.

In the 50s?

Yeah.

Probably that was the best time.

People would just call you a real

crackpot.

They'd call you a real idea.

it?

Hey, just what the hell is going on here, pal?

That's a big idea.

That's my idea.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is this?

I thought only I could do this

to women.

I think you're mistaken, pal.

That's my ass.

I'm from a distant future.

I'm a cryptocurrency millionaire.

I have everything I want except the ability to rape powerful men who don't know what rape is.

Just go back in time and fuck Dwight D.

Eisenhower?

That would rule, dude.

I would love to just rape some guy who was like a radio operator in Korea.

Wouldn't he?

Came back.

He's like,

you know, you just work hard.

You work hard for the company.

And, you know, I just make sure my kids go to a good school.

And, you know, I'm like, yeah, that's a cool story, man.

I'll give you a ride back to your place.

I'm headed over to that side of town anyways.

Yeah, hop in my Packard.

Well, I don't know.

Is this...

Which way are you going?

No, I'm taking the new parkway.

They got a new parkway now.

Well, I don't know if I really live off the parkway.

Hey, listen, you want to fucking drive, get your own car, buddy.

Did you just use the F word?

I'm going to be using a lot more than that.

Chloroform.

So he's knocked out.

He's not.

He wakes up, tied up.

He's sitting in a chair where you cut a hole in the bottom.

No,

he's in a coffin.

He's in a fucking coffin.

He thinks he's been buried alive.

But he's got a zip of lighter.

He's screaming.

Yeah.

Give him a lighter so he knows he's in the coffin.

Yeah.

And then there's a little note that says you've been buried alive.

But he doesn't know that he's only just sort of suspended above another cot that I've set up.

But there's a hole cut around his ass.

And then while he's screaming at the top of his lungs, he thinks he's six feet underground.

I just start fucking his ass.

From underneath the coffin.

Damn, dude.

I thought just raping him would be enough.

No, but you want him to feel like he's going to die, and some demon is fucking his ass.

Yeah, Satan himself.

Yeah, and then I, you know, there's a little camera in there recording the man being raped and screaming.

And you know, so I'm just on 50 years.

Bring a camera from an asshole in the future.

I bring a camera from the future, and then I take the footage back to modern day.

And I step out of the time machine and I call a prefs conference, and I'm like, you still think white men can't help?

You still think white men are bad?

Look what I did

for

all the oppressed people in the room.

I went back to the source.

I found the white guy that created the patriarchy.

And I tricked him into thinking he was buried alive, and then I raped him in a coffin.

Hero, you did it.

What if you go back in time and it's a perfect society, but you have to fuck a bunch of those business guys?

Yeah.

Would you do it?

Well, it depends how far back in time, because there is a statute of limitations.

Just to you, Mr.

Robinson.

I'm going to put you in a makeshift coffin and fuck your ass.

I'm going to.

Convince you that you're suffocating to death six feet under the ground and then you get raped.

Now, do you just...

What happens after he gets raped?

Do you kill him or are you?

No, no, no.

No, no.

I mean, death would be,

you give it a couple years, he'll kill himself.

Yeah, death would be exactly a cop-out.

Part of the punishment is he has to live with that forever.

And that's what you get, pal, for doing redlining.

Yeah.

For making it so blacks couldn't live in middle-class homes.

For being a racist.

And that's why we raised it.

I got a white picket fence for you right here.

My dick and ball.

The one that they fucking tied Matthew Shepard up to.

For the people like you did that.

Yeah.

That's crazy, bro.

He speaks French, Thai, and some pigeon.

He's married to Pamela G.

Schmall and has two children.

The ambassador?

James F.

Entwistle.

Who?

James F.

Entwistle.

The Ambassador to Nigeria.

He's the former United States Ambassador to Nigeria.

Oh, he's not anywhere.

It's a good time to remind you guys that if you go to MacWeldon.com, you can pick up some rape-proof underwear.

Jesus Christ.

Mac Weldon's not even sure that you will not get raped.

You wear another rap.

Mac Weldon makes no legal promises about you whether or not you're not.

No promises about the

whether or not.

Look, whatever.

Look, we're sorry that that happened to you.

But

we didn't actually say that that's how the underwear.

Well, and listen.

MacWeldon.com believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

That's what I like.

Simple shopping.

Simple shop.

Simple Steven here for simple shopping.

Oh, God.

Yep, I got a special computer that only has four buttons on it.

And three of them take me to MacWeldon.com.

One of them is for new underwear, which obviously I need because I misjudged my own independence.

I thought maybe I was ready for underwear.

But I go through those things like cigarettes.

Underwear is kind of like Pwingles for me.

Once you shit one pair, you just change the pair.

There's that retarded guy that's like, man, I shit an entire box of underwear.

Stevie's birthday party was crazy.

I've just binge-watched blues, clues, and shit an entire box of underwear.

MacWeldon.com, simple shopping.

You can check them out.

Super easy.

You go on there,

you check them out.

But, dude, I love checking out these websites.

Me too, man.

I really like it a lot.

I love checking them out, dude.

One of my favorite things to do is go on a website, see what they got in there.

Just really check out the situation.

They got a hyperlink.

Surfing the web.

Click on every hyperlink.

Hyperlinks, web rings.

Just surfing the web,

checking out websites.

MacWaldon.com is one of my favorites.

I open up my internet browser

and my homepage comes up.

What's that?

Lycos.com.

Search engine.

It's got a dog on there.

Beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

The spot, right?

Spot spot.

And now I know one thing's for certain.

You can't trust anything you read on the internet.

For sure.

Anyone can put anything they want on the internet.

So true.

But I check out websites, and one of the ones I've recently checked out was geocities.com/slash MacWeldon.

And, you know, don't let all of the dancing lizards in the background and the shit that follows your mouse around

fool you.

They are

the fireball comic.

You can trust them with, look, there's a counter on the bottom.

Apparently, I'm the 1,282nd visitor.

You know?

And that counter is real.

Oh, yeah.

And it says all the flags of all the countries.

It says all the flags of all the countries.

Go site.

Go out.

You're there.

Sign the guest book.

Sign the guest list.

Guest list.

They got a guest book on there that you can check out.

And,

anyways, they got a line of antimicrobial silver under the.

Excuse me?

It was silver ions?

No.

No.

No, it's not.

Silver what?

Antimicrobial, man.

Are you joking around?

Silver line.

Silver line.

Are you trying to fuck this read up, Adam?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Why are you trying to fuck this read up?

People pay money for this, man.

I was just trying to get it.

You're being disrespectful to our corporate partner.

Our corporate partner, our beloved partner, Mac Weldon, who has been with us from the beginning,

never flinched.

Unlike you, who have requested quietly to quit the show numerous times.

But you won't have to.

You said, all I'm asking for is 50% of the profits for the rest of my life.

I never asked for that.

And you're just not happy with the $40 an episode you get paid, man.

I really appreciate it.

Appreciate the $40.

That's more than a fair amount of time.

And I said, if I could pay my way to Australia, I'd love to hang out with you guys on tour.

But,

you know, we told you, we kind of went to the bottom of the.

I took East China Air here.

It was

in the boat.

You were in the freight section of a boat.

We did Tai Chi halfway through the flight.

That Chinese airline has got to be so goddamn funny.

I know.

Dude, in-flight meal is just like a live rat.

Just in a cage.

And you're like, excuse me,

how do I even eat this?

Like, oh, yes.

And then they just come back with a blowtorch.

Oh, Flambay.

Very nice.

Oh, American style.

Cooked.

Mac Weldon's got a line of silver, naturally antimicrobial shirts and underwear, which means that they reduce odor by doing something.

Yeah, I guess they do something like that.

They reduce the odor by sucking your cock,

and they got cool shit on there, man.

They got crew next.

It's almost crew next season back in New York, which I will never return to.

I'm on an international tour.

I've been on the road forever.

We're expats.

Until I finally find, you know,

building a nice view, and I take a look over the edge.

And I say, you know what?

This is it.

This is where it happens.

I'm just kidding.

Why fucking fucking wait?

And then you know what happens at the bottom?

Splat!

No, no splat.

Blamo!

No.

Do you know what happens?

Fucking lights out.

The only thing you're doing.

You go into one of those suicide,

the fire department air-filled suicide landing things.

And we all give you a round of applause, and we're all wearing tuxedos.

I feel like if I got gamed and I fell on something, if you drove me to actual suicide and I landed on one of those things, I would be like,

I still just want to kill myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

More so now.

That's so much more embarrassing.

Yeah, is that what happened to the game?

Yeah, they trick him into killing himself, and then he's like, They're like, Gotcha.

And he's like, Wow, thanks.

Thanks, you guys.

That's crazy.

Yeah, who plays his brother, Michael Douglas's brother?

Sean Penn.

Sean Penn.

That's right.

It's a game, Connie.

They're playing a game with you.

That's a good Michael.

I'm gay.

I'm saying that I'm gay.

Damn, dude, got his ass.

Are you telling me that I'm gay?

They trick him into killing himself.

They trick him into, it's a Connie.

They're trying to make me suck their dick.

But the movie ends with him on his knees sucking some guy's cock.

Is this what you want?

This isn't part of the game, Michael.

Is this how your game ends?

Because I'll do it.

He's just sucking off a homeless guy.

And then he takes off as a prosthetic cock.

But he rubbed his real cock on it so it tastes like cock.

If there's one thing I want, it's to suck cock for my 42nd birthday.

Yeah, what is it?

That was the age my dad died when he came out of the closet.

He was struggling with things ever since.

Michael Douglas is tricky.

Is he tricky?

Yeah, because he just sounds like a guy.

No, you were doing it good.

Just now.

I was doing what?

What was I doing?

You were doing Michael Douglas.

Is this it?

Yeah, it's good.

Okay.

That fucking sucks, dude.

If anyone ever plays mind games with me, I'll fucking take a hatchet to their podcast.

Oh, I've been playing mind games with you.

Nah, dude.

It's a 12-month project.

Go to MacWalt.com and use promo code

ComeTown to receive 20% off your order.

And if you don't like the underwear, you can suck my cock.

Michael Douglas.

Or you could also Michael Douglas here.

Get your money back here.

Hey, this is Michael Douglas, and I'm here for MacWeldon.com.

This is officially Michael Douglas, the actual actor.

Wow, crazy.

Guest on Come Town.

This is not an impersonation.

It's the real Michael Douglas.

And Michael was just telling me off Mike that.

Ever since I got Mouth Cancer.

I think I think his wife's better than him.

Catherine?

Yeah.

Ever since Catherine left me for some guy who doesn't have mouth cancer,

I knew I was going to need new underwear.

And so I went used promo code COMETON at MacWeldon.com and I received 20% off my order.

And the ones you didn't like, Michael, you just.

I shoved them in Catherine's pussy.

And they didn't even ask for them back.

They didn't ask for them.

You can put them right in that pussy that calls them HPV-ridden pussy.

And who wouldn't ask for those back?

I would ask for them back.

Initially, I thought I got dick cancer from wearing Mac Weldon underwear, and I'm told that that's not true.

I'm now endorsing the McCain.

Mac Weldon definitely does not give you dick cancer.

MacWeldon.com does not give you dick cancer.

It's not available in select cities.

MacWeldon.com does not give you dick cancer.

Don't like the underwear, you can keep it.

No questions asked.

That's right.

Put it in Catherine's Data Zones as a pussy.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

Hi, I'm Michael Douglas, and I'm a gay actor.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

Roasted.

Here for live aid.

Hi,

I'm gay actor John Hamm.

No, wait, I can't do John.

I'm Javier Bardem, and I'm gay.

Who's that?

That's Javier Bardem, dude.

Javier Barfem.

I'm Javier Bardem and I'm gay.

Don't put it in your pocket where it becomes just another used condom.

Which it is.

You know, today is friend, though.

Today is the day you become gay.

I am gay actor.

Flip it.

Flip my car.

Call it.

Well, how can I call it if I don't know what I'm calling?

You're calling whether or not you are gay.

But I'm not not at the convenience store, yeah.

But I'm not gay.

Yes, you are.

But I haven't even called it yet.

Look, shut up.

I do the mind games.

Don't call me out.

How do you do Woody Harrelson?

What's she?

Is he something?

Yeah, he's got a little shh.

Yeah.

Listen, this guy, Anton Shigur, is gay.

Wait, Woody Harrelson was in that movie.

Yeah, he was.

Yes, he was.

He was the cop.

Yeah.

Llewellyn's like,

I think I got it.

I don't need to.

I can avoid this.

Oh, wait, no, no.

Tommy Lee Jones is the cop.

Who is Woody?

Woody played a copy.

Woody is the other bounty hunter.

The other bounty hunter.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

Does he get got?

And Llewellyn is in bed and he's like, I think I can avoid this guy mole.

Right.

He gets hired by the company.

You don't understand this.

Yeah.

Who's that company that hires him?

I don't know, man.

I'm trying to figure out the impressions just so I can say I'm gay as Woody Harrelson.

Who gives a shit what happens in the movie?

It's a good movie.

I'm trying to.

I don't know.

I have never tried a Woody Harrell song.

I'm gay.

Just do it.

I'm gay.

What are you like, what are you?

Some kind of gay guy?

I can't do it now because you've interrupted me so many times.

I'm sorry for interrupting.

You can't do it because you're not.

Publicly, I want to apologize.

No, it's like you just don't understand the fucking process in terms of doing impressions.

What process?

Dude, it's a delicate process.

You have to, like, really have empathy for the character.

Tell me about the process.

What's your process?

Look, dude.

Look, I'm the only one of us that's a professional actor.

Dude, that's not true.

So, these guys I call gay and make fun of, I like, I have empathy for you.

You have respect.

I have respect.

Professional respect.

I'm a professional actor, too.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Donnis.

I'm gay.

This is gay actor Michael Douglas.

Let's see.

What are some other actors we can call gay?

Hey, I'm gay actor actor Steven Dorf.

Steven Dorf, gay actor.

I'm gay how?

Gay like a fag?

Yeah.

That's Joe Pesci.

Joe Pesci.

So what am I?

Like

some kind of queer?

I don't even remember.

I can't remember what Pesci sounds like.

No.

You do one name.

What am I

queer?

You do it, bitch.

Which actor?

Any actor.

You name one.

No, just name one, and then I'll do it.

Any impression of any actor.

You got to tell me.

Name an actor.

Any single.

Just do it.

anything.

I'm a man of 10,000 impressions.

Literally any actor.

No, no, that's.

I asked you to name one.

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Of course.

And what do I have to say that he's gay?

I don't know.

You do it, man.

Take it away.

Rose, don't you understand?

I'm gay.

But I love you.

But I'm gay.

But I'm gay.

And then she sinks the ship with her huge tips.

I was going to say that, but Nick said it it was.

Oh, cool.

Okay, here's another one.

Cool, cool, that you were going to say something that I said.

Okay.

Dennis Hopper.

Dennis Hopper?

Of course.

Easy.

How about Dennis Boffin?

Gay man.

I'm gay, man.

I'm gay, brother.

I'm gay, man.

Mark Maron and you're Dennis Hopper.

No, that's Dennis Hopper.

You're from Fidance.

Listen, Ian and Mark Maron got it from the hop.

He was the original man.

All right, Denzel Washington.

Dennis Hopper and Dick Ryan.

I'm gay, man.

Also, your Morgan freaks.

And I am gay, man.

I'm freaking gay, man.

You like having gay sex, Jake?

That's good.

You know the thing about gay sex, Jake?

It smells like pine salt, Jake.

You know what gay sex smells like, Jake?

It smells like pine salt, Jake.

What was in that?

That was cum.

Oh, I didn't know you liked the smoke cum, Jake.

It's not about what you know, it's about what you can prove.

Um,

that's a good round of actors.

I can't really do Denzel either.

No, no, that was that was great.

It's his mannerism, serviceable cadence, but yeah.

I do female actors better, I guess.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

You're doing a great Scarlett Johansson right now.

Yeah, thank you.

You sound just like her.

I appreciate that.

Do Juliet, Juliet, Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore?

Wow, that's incredible.

You just said her name like she would say it.

What?

Whoa.

Thank you.

Damn, dude, he's really good.

Do Richard Simmons.

Richard Spencer?

Whoa, no, no, Richard Simmons.

Oh.

Yeah, you do.

I'm gay.

Yeah, that's you.

No, don't do yourself.

Do yourself.

Don't do yourself.

Do Richard Simmons.

Yeah, stop toning it down.

Adam, go ahead.

Whoa, it's back.

That's incredible.

I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

That's the winner.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

We got it, folks.

I don't know why that's so funny to me.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas here for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

We're raising money today.

My boyfriend.

I'm here with my boyfriend, Raising

This is a regular guy, not a famous guy at all.

This is some 18-year-old guy

holding hands with Michael Douglas.

I briefly stopped kissing my boyfriend to bring this important message to you.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas here with my boyfriend, who I briefly stopped kissing to raise money for victims

of Hurricane Michael.

Take that, Michael Douglas.

And that was a delightful message from gay actor Michael Donald.

Is Kirk Douglas still around?

Yeah, he is.

He's like 114 years old.

He's still alive.

He is, dude.

He looks horrible.

He's 101 years old.

I'm going to go fucking stay.

Damn, Stardekus.

Yeah.

He's alive.

Suck Dick to kiss.

Yeah.

We did Charlton Hastin early on the show, right?

Yeah, yeah.

The

Chinese

of me, no Reichy.

Yeah.

Me

want to

sucky.

Sucky.

Did you say take this cock from my cold dead hands?

I didn't.

But you can say that if you want.

That was mine.

Good job.

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Is the hashtag just kidding movement the answer to Me Too?

More at 11.

Men pretending to rape women.

No, it's not.

Okay.

One reporter's.

Jim, please stop.

We told you not to do this story.

One reporter

is talking about that squirrel that's trapped in a vent at the school.

Toddler

has gone missing in Southeast this afternoon.

And also, has the Me Too movement gone too far?

No, Jim.

Okay.

I just want to test the waters out.

Maybe some of our viewers want to chime in.

Call in if you think the Me Too movement has gone too far.

Don't take calls.

This is a new show, Jim.

Please write a letter.

Jim, stop it.

It's going to be a sunny 72 degrees in Balmerville

this week with highs in the 80s and a 60% chance of precipitation.

And many people are wondering: how's the Me Too movement going too long?

Yeah,

and a hundred percent chance of

completely baseless accusations being levied against the local weather rank.

And we're just going to go go ahead and say this real quick:

it might snow this week, and maybe Louis C.K.

should be allowed to do sponsoring.

There has to be a chance for redemption.

Don't cut my mic.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas, here for the hashtag MeToo has gone too far.

As a gay man, I don't really care that women are getting raped.

I'm gay, and it doesn't affect me.

You can can trust me.

Fuck.

God damn.

Well, everybody.

I'm HIV negative gay actor Michael Bugless.

I'm an HIV negative gay man.

I know that prep is the only thing keeping you saying.

Fatality.

Michael Bugless.

Michael Bugless.

Michael Bugless.

Folks, well, if you want to hear classics like Michael Bugless.

You got to come to the live shows and you got to subscribe to

our motherfucking Patreon.

Patreon.com slash come to Patreon.

If you don't subscribe, there are literally as many episodes as we have done.

We have done that many.

Patreon.

So there's a huge backlog if you're not subscribed.

Please subscribe to that.

Yeah, we didn't, the money has gone up again because we didn't realize that people just don't know we have a Patreon.

Yeah.

And it was hard to search for us on Patreon.

Yeah, we got the label all.

So please, if you like this stuff, it really, a lot of people don't understand that this show has huge overhead.

We have a research team.

You got to spend money to make it.

Look, I spent all week with these poor, poor fucking college kids, and I'm like, find me all of the dumbest Nigerian businesses.

I want to find sandals that are made out of ice cream.

Find me that businessman.

They're like, I don't think that exists.

And I was like, why?

And they're like,

because it's just racist, Mr.

Mullen.

And then I just beat that boy silly

in front of the entire conference room.

And I said, nobody's allowed to play rock band anymore.

For the week, I'm taking away.

Look, I spend $9,000 a day on this startup office.

We have six floors in Midtown.

Insane.

Researching interns, and half of them are playing rock band and playing ping pong half the time.

We have a nap room, stand-up desks, a Segway with a built-in espresso machine.

You ride the Segway around, make yourself a little espresso drink.

Anyways, that costs well over $40,000.

And the Segway can't do stairs, so you gotta use your legs to use the stairs, and then there's another Segway at the bottom.

Did you see that video of that escalator breaking?

So good.

Hilarious.

A bunch of fucking dumb Italians getting drinks.

It was in Italy.

Vincenzo, cinchicaggio, bracchi atu giugi, escaladio.

That's right.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Escal ducci, huh?

Scrascra.

So yeah, again, that's the kind of stuff you you could pay money for.

It's most of it is in Italian and Vietnamese.

A lot of people don't know I speak Vietnamese.

Oh yeah.

It's like just it's sort of more of the most the most

like pinbally of the Chinese languages.

That's right.

That's right.

It's the most Chinese some

That's Vietnamese.

Wow.

I didn't know you could rap.

Yeah, that's Vietnamese, dude.

That's awesome, bro.

So, yeah, listen to that.

Melbourne, babies, you motherfuckers, this Friday, come out.

We're going to be at Baby Dick Ernie's.

We're going to be baby dick Ernie's in Melbourne.

Good night.

Hey, welcome to Baby Dick Ernie's.

Home of gay actor Michael Drummond.

He's home away from home.

Whenever he's out of America, he comes on down to Baby Dick.

Baby Dick Ernie's.

We sport a baby cam.

It's his favorite.

We'll also be in Brisbane.

Brisbane on Sunday.

Sunday the 28th.

Please buy tickets to that.

I will be.

We should say Nashville, too.

All right, motherfucker.

Hold on.

We're going to be in Nashville.

I'm going to hold the fuck on, dude.

We're going to be in Nashville on the house over here looking at pictures of the man from Alvin and Shepherd.

I haven't been looking at pictures in at least 24 hours.

We're going to be in Nashville.

We're going to be in on the 11th of November.

We're going to be in maybe Alabama on the 12th.

Probably not.

We're going to be in Charlotte on the 13th and Atlanta on Wednesday the 14th, doing a little run through the south.

That after we did this tour is going to be pretty gay, probably.

We're going to

be gay.

We're going to cancel all of the show.

We're really thinking about it.

We're probably going to cancel the show.

Oh, I don't want to do that.

Fuck all of our fans in those city.

Before Atlanta?

We're not going to Atlanta before Charlotte.

Charlie Island.

I think it's, I don't know.

I don't remember.

Maybe it's DC.

It makes more sense to do it the other way around.

Bro, I don't fucking know, dude.

It's on my website if you wanted to look, guys.

Stavi.biz.

I'll also be in like a movie theater or some shit in Long Island.

They got a little front area where they do comedy.

Strange Island.

Strange Island on November 30th.

Please come out to that.

That's also on my website.

And then D.C., I will be headlining a full weekend at the D.C.

Draft House.

Four shows.

Two on Friday Friday the 7th, two on Saturday the 8th.

Come out to those.

And then I'm doing a little run in Indianapolis on the 14th, Columbus on the 15th, and Cincinnati on the 16th.

So come out, or I think I fucked that up.

Indy on the 13th, Columbus on the 15th, Cincy on the 5th.

I don't fuck it.

Just look at my website, man.

I'll be at those cities.

And let's go to the next one.

And then international tour.

International tour.

We literally won't be in New York at all.

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Fucking Croatia, split Croatia,

going to Greece, dude,

we're going to Ukraine.

Don't ask, don't tell, baby.

Mm-hmm.

We're going to.

And I have to register as a Jew when I get there.

Do you?

They love the SS in Ukraine.

No, they do, dude.

I don't know if that was true.

I think it was a good thing.

There was a Ukrainian SS that, like, after the war, they were still like, no, but they're good.

They were the best ones.

They're pretty cool.

Even when they're still in the world.

I think they're pretty cool guy, yeah.

But to me, they're good.

Especially the ones that killed the Friedland family.

That didn't happen in the Ukraine, bro.

It happened there in the Ukraine.

No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.

You're wrong.

Yes, it did.

No, it didn't.

I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

It did, in fact, happen in Ukraine.

No, it didn't.

The Friedlands were all killed in the Ukraine.

And they weren't Friedland.

Shut up.

My name is Gay Actor Michael Douglas.

Yeah.

I'm glad you guys are happy that people died.

Silverlining's people that would have probably been...

Hi, I'm Gay Actor Michael Douglas, and I'm happy that people died.

All right.

Good night, everybody.

Bye.

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