Ep. 124 – D’Jia Jones

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Wednesday, October 69th.

Is Ksex cool?

Three experts weigh in.

Yeah.

Well I believe that it's,

I don't know whether you could

cool,

but it certainly feels good.

Four out of five dentists agree, getting fucked in your ass feels great.

Damn, I do want to ask dentists what they think about getting fucked in the ass.

That's a fun bit.

It's like, yeah, who's the trident dentist?

Who's the fifth dentist that's like, Trident, suck my fucking cock?

That's probably a cool dentist.

Yeah.

He's like,

he'll never sell out.

I'm a soul dentist.

Here's what I sell out to big gum.

Well, he recommends brushing your teeth with his cum.

Yeah.

That's why he doesn't recommend trident.

Well, maybe it's not so cool.

Yeah, remember that dentist that just like snuck cum into women's mouths?

No.

He shot like a, he was like, all right, well, that's one of the McDonald's characters, right?

He's the hamburgler's brother.

The hamburgler's brother.

The cum dentist.

Just Grimace, the bird bitch, the hamburgler, and the cum dentist.

I don't know.

The 70s, man, was a different time when they came up with

those characters.

Who are the McDonald's characters?

Let me see if there's some I'm forgetting.

I know there's like two nuggets.

Yes, there's the little nuggets.

There are?

Yeah, for sure.

Ronald, of course.

Anthroporphic nuggets.

I think there's like a...

That's your contribution is Ronald.

You didn't say it.

I think there's like some kind of captain or something, some kind of nautical guy.

That kind of looks like.

Yeah, you're right.

Dude, Stav's got this.

Of course he's got it.

Thank you.

This is fucking...

He doesn't know anything.

This is going to be like the lastly obscure McDonald's character that I've never before seen in my life.

He literally knows nothing.

Well, which one of you motherfuckers knew about the little captain guy from McDonald's?

I feel like probably you felt during the movies game that we were playing.

Yep.

Yeah, we should do that.

This is Ambrose Burnside-looking scientist.

I guess he's a minor.

I don't remember.

Hold on, dude.

I'm doing this.

He's like a girl, right?

I'm going to play this fucking third grade game where I'm not allowed to look at pictures you're looking at.

Or videos.

Well, because I'm sorry.

Have you not been to third grade?

Yeah.

I didn't mean to offend you by having been to third grade.

I didn't realize you were too stupid to go to third grade.

Whoa.

And

you get your feelings hurt whenever third grade stuff comes up.

No, well, whenever we revert back to it.

Oh, it's reverted.

Now I'm reverting, huh?

Oh, you revert, brother.

Yeah.

You Karis Levert revert.

Shout out to the best.

That's a little little NBA reference.

Pipecast coming back in the next six months.

Sunday.

If someone does all the work for us, it'll come back.

I guess we'll leave.

Brian McDonald has a dog.

There's a dog.

Isn't there like a sexy girl, too?

Let's see.

Well, there's the chicken bitch.

No, isn't it like a real woman?

Yeah, Elle McPherson.

Kathy Ireland.

I mean, I would have sex with whatever woman is inside that chicken costume.

Yep.

While she's wearing it.

That would be hot, dude.

Can you imagine?

She's like, I've got to be back at work in 15 minutes.

You're like, oh, trust me, I will be done.

Oh, that will not be an issue, baby girl.

You'll be clocked in 17 minutes early.

My dick travels back in time.

It's so small.

P.S., I already came.

As soon as you said chicken bitch,

the nuts were flowing.

The quantum leap.

Every time I come, my dick is so little, it does a rips the time.

I would love that.

Space-time continuum.

That would be cool.

And then people have to fuck you for the good of the world.

Yeah.

You know?

So there's two legs.

He hates ticks.

He's in a conflict with the hamburgler.

Mostly in Visitors from Outer Space, which is the xenophobic McDonald's movie.

When immigrants come and they try to change the language you order at McDonald's with.

They try and serve tacos.

Right.

And hamburgler and Grimace have to team up.

So they get some tiki torches and then

drive the McDonald's Challenger through the chat.

I don't know if Grimis is on the Tiki Torch team.

Yeah, he is.

I think Grimis is an African-American male.

Yeah, Grimace is definitely a fat black guy.

Yeah,

I used to do that bit about how they put lips on him for Black History Month.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was a good bit.

Thanks, man.

Grimace is a large purple character.

Used to be evil.

What?

Oh, yeah.

He was the original hamburger.

He has a chec uh checkered past.

Hamburgler.

He was he would he was he was the guy that stole hamburgers before they invented the hamburgler.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, the they redconned him, so a P.O.

Smith.

He also used to have four arms.

Whoa, I don't remember that.

Yeah.

That's some white Goro.

Like Goro, yeah.

The fat Goro.

Commercials and merchandise generally portray Grimis as a well-meaning simpleton whose clumsy antics provide a comic foil to Ronald McDonald.

So I guess, Stav, you're like Grimace, and I'm like Ronald.

And Adam, of course, is the chicken.

Oh, okay.

I thought you were going to call me the thieving Jew.

What about the turd burglar?

Yeah, that's Adam.

That's you steal shit.

Yeah.

From a man who literally

wakes up, they're like, oh my god, my turds.

Somebody's reached into my ass and stolen all my turds.

God damn it.

Turd burglar, wasn't that an anti-like a homophobic term?

Yeah, I think so.

Or am I just making that up?

No, I've heard turd burglar before.

I think so too, right?

Ass

clown.

Butt pirate.

Butt pirate is really good.

Butt Pirate should make a full combat.

Butt pirate turn pirate.

That's a great one.

Well, I think I've said before.

Grimace's ace, Swanee, but

an unnamed dad, a grandma named Winky, a great-great-grandma named Jenny Grimace.

What the fuck?

Who is selectively getting into Grimace's family tree?

And might have a brother named King Gonga who is the king of all grimaces.

Wow.

Might, what the fuck do they mean?

Dude, I just want to

be a screenwriter for McDonald's.

I want to be McDonald's' in-house

screenwriter that writes a historian.

Yeah, yeah.

That just writes all of their fucking weird movies.

Yeah, that'd be great.

There's the Bible.

Who came up with King Gonga?

I mean, if Grimace wasn't racist enough,

they're like, we've got King Gonga.

He's the king of all grimaces.

Well, yeah, in Grimace Land, before the hamburgler stole them and sold them into slavery,

they were kings.

They were kings.

They had names like Gonga.

You know what I like about the hamburgler is he gets out of prison, right?

He escapes.

Continues wearing the prison clothes, but puts a cape on.

That's right.

So true.

You can never forget that time.

Well, maybe that's to cover up his ass because maybe someone ripped the prison thing pants to fucking.

Oh, it's right here.

It's often stated that hamburgler was sexually assaulted in prison.

Oh, really?

That does

often stated.

No, shut up.

That's a joke, right?

Yeah,

yeah.

I mean, who knows, man?

Who knows what he's reading?

I know it's not true, but who knows what the hell?

Hamburger spoke in gibberish, which was often translated by Captain Crook.

I guess Captain Crook is the pirate you were talking about.

That's right.

Wow.

Do you think that's a common response to molestation is to drive your brain into

being a simpleton so you can sort of forget?

Are you accusing me of being molested?

No, I think Brimus maybe could have been a genius, and then he...

He got raped?

He got raped in prison, then he decides to

live out the rest of his days as a simpleton.

By his great-grandma Mimi or whatever the fuck?

King Konga.

No, that's his brother, you idiot.

Oh, sorry.

He's got a grandmother and a great-grandmother.

Damn.

That's a full family tree.

Yeah, the Fry Kids.

That's right.

Mayor McCheese.

Oh, yeah.

Mayor McCrees.

Mayor McCheese was an enormous cheeseburger who appeared from 1971 to 2008.

They got rid of Mayor McCheese?

He has a burger for a head

and sports a top hat,

a diplomat sash, and a pair of Pinché Nez spectacles.

2008, it was Obama's first thing in office.

He proclaimed that Mayor McCheese.

Yeah, Grimis won the election.

And then they found out that Grimis was actually born in Grimis, Kenya.

Yeah, where's your Berg certificate?

That was like a 70s thing, right?

Like all companies had cartoon gangs and like TV shows and stuff.

Officer Big Mac, I guess they had a cop.

I don't remember him.

He was similar to Mayor McChees, and then he had a large Big Mac for a head, except he was the chief of police, and as such, he wore a constable uniform with a disproportionately small custodian helmet resting atop of his head bun.

I like that move look.

Big head, small hat.

Did they also have like the uh the

burger

master general?

You know, and it's like the postmaster general.

Yeah, that's cool.

Every

they have the burger comptroller,

the burglarman.

What the fuck is an alderman?

I have no idea.

I just remember in that

Chris Rock movie, he was an Alderman.

Head of state.

Yep.

Yeah.

Great flick.

I love Chris Rock's movie.

They were bad.

A bearded scientist type character.

There was a scientist.

I told you I saw a guy getting literally blown during head of state

in the theater.

Yeah.

Have you guys ever gotten pun

head?

Like maybe at head of state or something called

Underdome every night.

Maybe you're spinning a top while you're getting top.

Yeah.

You know, maybe you're wearing a top hat.

Yeah.

Or maybe you're just wearing a hat because that's another way to say

getting head is saying getting some cap.

Although now capping is bragging.

Language evolves so beautifully.

Don't you agree, Nick?

Yeah, sorry.

Now I'm reading about Uncle O'Grimacy.

That's his sort of.

Yeah, that's what you can go after the blacks and the Irish at the same time.

He's kind of like the Cedric the Entertainer.

O'Grimacy is the Irish uncle of the character Grimace.

What the fuck?

He's a variant of the Grimace design that he is green instead of purple, sports a frock coat, covered with several four-leaf clovers, and carries a shillale.

Wow.

His design motif is not unlike that of a stereotypical depiction of the Irish folkloric leprechaun.

O'Grimacy resides in his his home country for 11 months of the year and visits his nephew Grimace in March.

Those shamrock shakes!

Incredibly delicious shake.

Oh,

stop.

You called that.

You had that one.

I had it on lock, brother.

Yeah.

The McNugget buddies, a couple of chicken McNuggets that butt fuck each other.

This is a flute passed down from my great-grandfather, who was Irish.

Bro, this is cool.

Cosmic.

Oh, contemporary character from McDonald's.

Cosmic was an an alien who wore a large space suit and he talked like a surfer dude.

Hell yeah.

Was McDonald's a place?

Did they have a theme park?

No, it's where they live.

Oh.

Trash cans.

Talking twin trash cans.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, you have to deposit garbage into them to feed them.

Nice.

What about your own shit?

Yeah.

Does that count as garbage?

It was one of the characters in McDonald Land is the giant shit you take after eating McDonald's while on the road.

I am Hungry, a short-lived McDonald character who's self-proclaimed vice president of snacking.

I want that job.

Ooh, the griddler.

Uh-oh.

You know, he uses slurs.

Mike the microphone.

He was a one-time character created for Kid Rhino albums.

Ronald makes it magic, and Ronald McDonald presents silly stuff.

Fuck is Kid Rhino.

I don't know.

Early hip-hop.

Kid Rhino.

When you click on it, it just goes to Rhino Entertainment Company.

Interesting.

What's that?

It was a novelty music label.

Oh, yeah, Rhino.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What else did they do?

They did like compilation albums.

You know, Simon sell on TV.

You know, Simon Cowell did like Macho Man's album?

Oh, Macho Man Randy Savage?

No, Man.

And maybe even rapping Rodney.

Oh, he used to do like

the rap

albums.

Mm-hmm.

Fuck him, dude.

Fuck Simon Cowell?

Yeah, he's like, you know, what's he making people feel bad about how good they sing?

Well, they sing.

His background is fucking Rodney Dangerfield.

No.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

I think he's a fucking savant.

His grimace with his big fat ass meeting his stupid Irish uncle.

Oh, Grimacy.

Damn.

Uncle O'Grimacy.

Folks, yes, this episode might not be as good because Adam took my spot on the couch.

I don't have to sit on the floor every day.

He's thrown off the equilibrium.

You don't have to leave.

You don't have to be the fucking trundle bed in the hotel room.

I was injured, man.

I couldn't

take the trundle bed.

It was bad for my circulation.

And Nick already killed how it was a PR nightmare if anyone found out.

Yeah,

he didn't want to.

It would look bad if you took the

bed of nails that I had to sleep on in Cleveland.

It looked nice, honestly.

It was not nice.

It looked really plush.

I got so stoned that first night off those edibles, and I was just laying

unable to go to sleep because I was prohibitively high.

What?

That's the best time to go to sleep.

Sometimes I get too high and can't go to sleep.

So, did you guys see that fucking Sally's chopped up some Turkish guy?

The journalist?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They got him in America.

In like the fucking consulate.

They fucked his ass up in the Saudi consulate.

Trump.

Trump.

And they sawed his ass up and just took him out.

They had a bone saw, dismembered this motherfucker, and just like carried him.

Wait, in the U.S.

Embassy?

I think.

I thought.

In the Saudi consulate?

The Saudi consulate.

The Saudi consulate here?

I think so.

In D.C.?

I think so.

I think that's a good thing.

Dude, that's badass.

That's awesome.

Remember when that.

It is pretty big dicket if they did it, but it's also scary.

Was it like Erdogan's guys that beat the shit out of people like in front of the...

Yeah, I remember that.

Last year.

It was a big street brawl.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Really?

What did they do?

Yeah, it was a bunch of guys in suits just beating the fuck out of protesters.

Yeah.

We're like protesting outside of the turkey gym.

It's like, this is America.

You can't do that.

Damn.

And they're just getting away with murdering some journalist who wanted to...

do a pro-democracy some shit or something.

Yeah,

that's how it should be reported.

Trying to do away with some journalists that's trying to do a pro-democracy some shit or something.

That's basically it, man.

We don't need all these fucking words muddying up what happened.

What did you say about

the house style?

Just little districts.

Little fucking little districts.

Which is what it is, man.

They fuck up the little districts so you can fucking vote Republican or whatever.

Well, it's not little.

Sometimes they make them really big.

And they're weird and small.

That does sound smarter than gerrymandering.

Yeah, yeah.

Gerrymandering is a retarded word.

It sounds like Australians named that.

Oh, it definitely does.

Speaking of which, it's too late to do it, but we wanted to sell shirts.

It's got a little kangaroo, and he's got his hip

pushed out to the side, and it says,

Guy, mate.

Guy, mate.

Guy, guys.

Actually, if you're an Australian cumboy and you have a screen printing operation, if you want to make those shirts, bring them to the show.

Yeah, we'll pay you.

We'll pay you.

And then we'll sell them for a world price.

Nick will pay you.

Oh, you already figured out sales tax in another fucking country and having a shit?

We won't do it,

you signed us up for that already, Adam?

Listen, and then I'll take care of it, huh?

We won't do that.

Don't make those shirts.

Don't make the shirts.

Sorry, because

friendly security.

Because if you did make them, we'd have to pay taxes.

But if you don't make them,

we'll never have to pay taxes.

We do all the work and then we'll sell them

for money for us.

But no, no, no.

Don't do that.

Do not

do that.

We'll get paid in

tickets that we sell.

We sell little or little

fake doubloons.

What if we charge for our time?

Yeah.

Do you still have to pay taxes for that?

Sure.

Damn.

You do not have to pay taxes.

I guess there is sales tax, but we do have a

visa, right?

What if we have like a visa?

I don't know what it is.

I hope we do have a visa.

I think

the visa has to say specifically what you're allowed to do.

Oh, we're allowed to perform.

Can you suck dick?

Yeah, for money.

Yeah, that's not how it fees.

Imagine getting kicked out of Australia for making money.

I love it.

Dude, so I've looked into

the ball.

I was kicked out of every country for sucking dick.

I've sucked dick in every single country.

I sucked dick in North Korea.

Can your dick get too sucked?

Philosophical quandary, my friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does there exist a dick that can be too sucked?

I guess if you came a bunch just like a minute ago, you know, it's hard to get a boner again unless you're a strong young man

like me.

No.

I can get three, four, five boners in a row.

Really?

No.

How much?

I remember when I was younger,

I could get hard again right afterwards.

Those were the days.

Those were the days.

I'm still able to do that.

I thought you said that.

I thought you can't get harder initially but then once i'm going i'm going once it gets going and then it's like stuck that way yeah it's kind of like a flywheel mower yeah yeah

you got a flywheel dick

i'm to the point now i've been having a i had it well I've been eating healthier because I know I'm about to while out in Japan and Australia.

Yeah.

And I was shocked that my dick was working again.

Like, it was one of those things where it was like...

Oh, it's pretty simple.

Yeah.

It was like, it was just no issue.

I fucked good.

You're castrating yourself and making yourself mortifying.

Yeah, yeah.

And killing yourself.

Literally, if I lost 30 pounds, all my problems.

Like, I don't even have to be not you toothed with Grobag.

Yeah, I just have to not be this fat.

You wouldn't need glasses anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it felt good, dude.

It felt good to fuck without dick pills, dude, with a hard-ass dick.

I was restored.

It's because tech stocks are all fucked up today.

Why?

I don't know.

That's the beauty of the markets, baby.

Fuck markets, dude.

Fuck investing.

I'm against that shit.

I agree.

I'm going to buy every house in Greektown.

No.

I'm going to become the mayor of Greek town.

That's investing, though.

No, that's hard ass.

That's investing, I understand.

Hard ass.

I'm going to become a feudal lord of Greektown.

And everyone must kiss my ring and pay me tribute.

Sort of like the guy with the cape in Godfather 2.

Exactly.

Italian costs.

What the fuck's his name?

Don Finucci.

Don Finucci.

Yes.

I'm going to be Don Finucci.

I'm going to dress the exact same way.

I'm going to walk around, white suit, all white suit.

I'm gonna walk around Greek town.

I'm gonna get fucking a gyros and fucking tubs of Zadziki and Feta.

You'll make Diner guys kiss your ring.

I'll make, yep, I'll fuck their daughters.

That'll be how they pay me also.

I'm reinstating.

I'm reinstating Prima Nocta.

I'm reinstating that.

I'm going to buy all of Oldham Street.

All of fucking Eastern Avenue is going to be mine, dude.

Yeah.

That's a cool move.

Buying up the entire neighborhood.

Just a block is going to be mine, dude.

I'm going to get back in the car.

Why don't more millionaires do that shit?

I don't know.

Especially in like Baltimore.

They do.

That guy, Dan,

the guy from the Cavs, he owns like Detroit.

Dan Gilbert owns like blocks and blocks of Detroit.

Yeah.

I mean, in Baltimore, you should just do that.

Yeah.

If you were like a millionaire, it was just like, it's a like a million dollars doesn't mean shit to you.

Just buy like

hella blocks,

especially the ones right by Hopkins.

Because those exist where it's like you just kind of push out the Hopkins fear a little bit.

Yeah.

I'm invest now as a homeowner.

I want Baltimore to bounce back.

But there's no return on investment in owning a whole block.

Maybe there is.

Is there?

I mean, it's not going to be...

You're not going to have like...

Baltimore's on the way back.

But if I bought a block, had my own private police force,

guaranteed your safety.

That'd be cool.

Then I really am a feudal lord, dude.

Yeah.

That would rock.

There's places in Detroit where they don't have police anymore.

That's insane.

Or the police just don't show up.

Yeah.

Well,

sorry,

two minutes off the mark here.

But stock market's fucked up, guys.

So if you want a sound investing advice, you've got to gamble all of your money on sports.

On sports.

It's the only guaranteed safe bet in the world.

And you can go check them out at 100% guaranteed safe bet.com, which in a week's time should redirect the Bet DSI.

Beat Me Off Guys, and now 100% save.

I'm going to do it, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Immediately.

Beautiful.

Immediately.

Salute.

Salute to it.

Actually, you know what?

I'm sorry.

That guy DM'd me and I didn't get back to him.

There's no way to losemoney.com.

Yeah.

Listen, I do want an email that's stove at beatmeoffguys.com.

So if you can make that happen, whoever bought it, please holler at us.

We want staff, Nick, and Adam at beatmeoffguys.com.

Please.

Yeah, bet betsi.com the

is a premier website that does sports shit and bet on fucking games and stuff.

If you like that kind of stuff, you can check them out.

I don't know.

I guess they're like cool or something.

Yep.

I guess they're like.

They're cool.

They smoke sigs.

They blast.

They go to bed after

finger girls.

Yeah.

I guess it's supposed to be like a pretty good website or something like that.

I don't know.

I heard something along those lines.

People are definitely saying that.

They play electric guitar.

Everybody you fucking.

I mean, I can't speak to it personally.

No, no, we can't.

But also, other people are saying it too.

Yeah.

Which means it's really fucking good.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, I wouldn't even come on this show with my own opinions.

I mean, that would be fucked up.

No, this is.

Because you're responsible to, like, you can't have your.

This is mine, Adam, and Nick's opinion that it is a good website.

No, I mean, some guy I'm using in a church.

A Christian, I know.

This guy who's Christian?

Yeah.

He's never lied ever.

He told me me that Beth DSI is like where he goes to bet on shit all the time.

And this guy's in church every Sunday.

Every day.

Not just Sunday.

He just loves praying.

He's a Tuesday Mass.

He does that thing with his hand all the time.

The cross?

Yeah.

Sign of the cross.

Yeah, dude.

He's like, never even.

I tried to tell.

I was like, yeah, I was fucking this girl and her pussy the other day.

He's like, what are you talking about?

He's like, whoa.

He was like, what are you talking about?

And I was like, oh, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

He doesn't know what's sex.

And he's like, but what's a pussy?

Yeah.

He doesn't know what's going on.

He's never heard of it.

Yeah, I was like, there's a hole in a woman.

And he's like,

that man, that's wild.

Yeah.

I got to pray about that.

And then he left.

He just went to go to church.

He started crying.

I go into church and I see him.

And he's got the Bible open.

And then in the side the Bible, it's his phone.

And he's at 100% safeguaranteed bet.com.

In case you bet the SI just.

He redirects to me.

Mm-hmm.

No way you can lose.com

slash bet the SI.

And, you know, in-game wagering.

Live in-game wagering.

They got an award-winning mobile app, dude.

I think, I'm pretty sure I can't.

You don't hold me to it, but I think they won an Academy Award last year.

Yep.

For their mobile app.

Mobile app.

And a Tony.

Yeah, they won it.

They did the NSCO, which is where you were an Emmy,

a Zion Award for Best Israeli app.

Yeah, from a contribution to the Tekken.

Benjamin, that's a yacht.

Oscar, and then the ends.

You don't want to know what that one stands for.

Y'all don't want to know what that one.

A really raised guy

Named the fucking

algorithm.

No, it's just called an any.

Yeah.

No, no.

What the fuck?

What's the continuous talk?

How about the palgorism, and it's where you and your friend figure out the best way to have sex and suck each other's dicks.

What is the word I'm thinking of?

Hoggistics.

Hoggistics is good.

It's like laser is one of these where it's multiple word anagram, not an anagram.

No,

palindrome.

No, man.

Laser razor.

And not

everything stands for not an acronym.

Acronym, an initialism.

A very racist guy created the

acronym is like an FBI.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's an Enzo is an FBI.

Is it an acronym?

Yeah.

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you know,

just goofing around here, but this is fucking serious.

Yes, it is.

You have to go to Beth DSI and sign up.

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On the Ravens.

Bet on the Ravens.

Bet every dollar.

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Sure.

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Kill your wife.

Yeah.

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Damn, I love gambling, man.

Yeah, I love gambling, and I love telling people about my favorite website, betdsi.com.

This is the read that never ends.

Let's just keep going.

Yeah, bro.

Let's just keep going for like 40 minutes.

Let's do the next read within this.

Whoever's responsible for listening to these ads about DSI is like, I mean,

they certainly gave us the time.

I don't know what Grover's fur being held on with cum has to do with

their website.

Grover actually being completely hairless.

He's covered in blue pubes.

It's actually Cookie Monster's Cum.

Holiness.

How that really relates to sports batting.

Are Grover and Cookie Monster related?

They're both blue.

Yeah.

Well, Cookie Monster is Grover's retarded brother.

I'm afraid my brother with Down syndrome is.

I don't remember what

Grover sounds like.

That's pretty good, I think.

Yeah.

C is for chromosome.

That's too many for me.

Well, geez, chromosome monster.

Originally, he was the chromosome monster.

And they're like, I don't know, man.

I don't know about that.

Like, what?

You got an autistic character.

There's a gay couple.

There's a sexless gay couple.

You got plenty of blacks on the show.

Why can't we go Down syndrome?

So true.

Why isn't there a Down syndrome Muppet?

Mm-hmm.

Chromosome monster.

Yeah.

He snacks on the extra chromosomes and kills.

Or there's a Down syndrome monster who's a villain.

And he's the enemy of Cookie Monster.

Because he's always trying to get those cookies.

Oh, because he also wants them?

He also wants them.

That's the thing, man.

If you want real representation, it's not just the hero rules.

You know, you can't just have Black Panther.

It's like, we're in the movies where black people are just

criminals.

Pedophiles.

Raping white children across the land.

Yeah.

That's right.

We need that.

Here it comes down.

We've pledged our own dollars to fund any movie about a black pedophile.

Look, I'll tell you, I know what black people want.

They want to feel like human.

So you got to take the good with the bad.

Because in all of us, there is a panther and a pedophile.

That's right.

The yin and yang.

That's what the original yin and yang is about.

Yeah.

One is a panther and one is a guy that sucks off little kids' very small penises and somehow gets sexual gratification out of that.

That's so fucking weird.

I know it is.

It's weird.

That's the other thing about like pedophiles.

The little kids digging getting hard.

Yeah.

Like, it's ridiculous.

It is, it truly is ridiculous.

Yeah,

so yeah, we were saying on stage that that's how weird Al got his name.

Oh, yeah,

weird.

That guy's weird,

right?

Queerdal,

queer, yeah, because I'm queer,

because I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm really, really gay.

Your dick is hard.

Your ass is mine is already pretty gay.

My ass is fat.

What did he say?

Your butt is mine, isn't that?

Yeah, he says you're fine.

Which is pretty gay.

Did you see Prince being like, Prince refused to be in that video because of that lyric?

Bad?

Yeah, did you see that interview?

No.

Prince, and he was like, he was like,

whose butt is yours?

Yeah, he was supposed to be Wesley Snipes.

Oh, wow.

And Prince, he does a video and he's like,

my butt is yours?

I don't think.

Literally, Prince is like, I'm not with that gay shit.

He's a Jehovah's Witness.

I know, he's a religious man.

Respect to Prince for being gay, but not gay.

The gayest, straightest man of all time.

He got too much pussy.

That he went pussy blind.

That's why

he tried to use all those pills.

He did off to Prince 2 for being 4'11, our all-shared height.

That we all are.

That's right.

We're all the same height as Prince.

Especially Adam.

Adam is the one who's

extremely the same height as us.

I'm comfortable.

I'm comfortable with you saying that.

Your butt is mine.

Yeah, when we saw Paul Simon a couple weeks ago, had to be 5'1.

How about Paul Wall Simon?

That'd be cool.

Yeah.

You don't know what height Paul Simon was.

We were 500 feet away.

You saw him on a monitor.

I bet you he's 5'6.

Look it up.

You only saw his.

I mean, I'm sure he saw it.

I bet you on celebrity heights.

I'm sure he is.

I bet you celebrity height's 5'4 ⁇ , which is inflated.

Yeah, I always.

Look, I'm sure he is at height, but don't pretend like you can see it.

Dude, he was on stage stage with like 20 people.

You were looking at a monitor.

He was tiny.

You only saw

5'3.

5'3.

Listed.

Listed.

So he's got to be 5'2 ⁇ .

Willie Joel's 5'5'5.

I'm just saying, you're bad at estimating distances and measurements.

That sounds like I'm perfect at it.

No, this is something you already looked up, and then you pretended this was

good at space.

Willie Nelson is 5'6?

I looked it up.

Bob Dylan, 5'7 ⁇ .

Perhaps because he looked 5'1 on stage.

Hold on.

Willie Nelson.

He's 5'6.

I I just told you, bitch.

No, no.

What's his name sound like?

Oh,

Emmett Tilly Nelson.

No.

No, we're not doing that one.

That's rough, dude.

But I want to do that one.

No, we're doing this next one, dude.

Let's throw that one.

You guys want to go to Fright Fest at Six Flags?

We have literally 24 hours to do that before we leave the country.

Oh, yeah.

I got a pack and shit, dude.

I haven't done shit, man.

Stop.

You want to go to Macy's with me after this and get nice duffel bags?

I have a duffel bag.

Do you want to go to Macy's with me and

look at bedding and laugh at the gay guys?

The gay guys who work in the betting section?

Are we only doing one?

Usually I would like to.

That's what happens.

If you become a sexless gay man, you get into textures.

Feeling.

Like feeling things.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Soft.

Smooth.

I feel like every gay guy fucks, though.

Or is that my prejudice?

Not all of them.

No.

Not that concierge at the Radisson in the Inner Harbor.

Oh, yeah.

You experienced him.

I don't know him.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

It is funny to see a small-town gay guy.

Yeah.

Boom.

I'm sure he has some stuff.

They're always working at Starbucks and looks so desperate to get out.

Yeah.

So I guess Florida is getting owned, huh, by these storms?

Yeah.

Good.

That's what they get for George Zimmerman.

I hope all those people die.

Well, they also make me feel better.

Traymon is also

my politics.

That's what they deserve.

All the people that those people hurt are also in that state.

All those black people deserve to die because of George Zimmerman

getting off.

So

take that, Florida.

So

coin market cap.

Taking a look at the crypto markets.

So

I've been really working my way into this Finn Goth thing.

I think that's the new thing I am.

Financial goth.

Financial goth.

I'm a financial goth.

It's like, yeah, I just have fucking investments.

You talk about a rich gay guy.

I just, I'm a rich gay guy that wears black lines.

I want to die, and I'm worried about my portfolio.

I just cut myself and diversify my portfolio.

Yeah, I cut a line down my fucking arm that

mimics the NASDAQ's EMA 200.

You know?

I just

love it.

Mucho ass.

Do you have blue chip investments or just crypto?

I don't have any investments.

Oh, yeah, he has none.

Do not ever discuss my actual financial.

Do not let these people know that I am worth over $7 million now.

That's not true because this podcast would not be happening.

Oh, yeah.

If you had $7 million,

I would be so gone.

This would be Adam, and I would replace myself with somebody that I knew would fuck it up.

No,

we would not continue doing the show.

We wouldn't, there would not be.

Yeah, you guys would still need money.

Whatever.

We'd figure money out.

You couldn't even be friends anymore because I would be so.

You'd be in your bunker.

Well, I wouldn't be in my bunker.

I would just be hanging out with other rich people.

Oh, who's your rich people?

There are other

high-net worth individuals.

Like who?

I don't know.

Those people come out of the woodwork once you become rich.

No, dude.

They want to hang out with you.

Those people are just hangers on.

No, not like you're not.

I mean, other people that are worth $10, $15, $18 billion.

Is there one guy in Nigeria where that scam thing worked and he has like

$100 million?

Well, according to a Lyft driver I had, that happens a lot.

Yeah.

Giageria.

Yep.

Diageria.

And they have diarrhea.

Sung, song, song, my dick.

Song, song,

my ding.

Would you suck on my nose?

What are we doing with Sasudio?

Fuck my ass.

There's one for Sisudio.

Oh, Sisudio, it's the studio apartment where you suck eyes off.

Welcome to my Sasudio.

No furniture.

Just

some knee, like a pillow for your knees on the floor.

Oh, this is something we should bring up.

Me and Stav were, this is a great story for the podcast.

Me and Stav were talking to some girl the other day, and we kept saying as a joke, let me see your pussy.

We were laughing pretty hard at that.

Oh, yeah.

Joking that she would like, but you're not in a sexual way.

You're like, do you mind if I take a look at you?

Can we see your pussy?

Can we see your pussy real quick?

And we kept saying it to her.

And she laughed the first couple of times and then stopped.

And then we were laughing at it.

And then we kept doing it.

Maybe six or seven times.

Because it was funnier every time, especially when she wasn't laughing.

Well, she told a story about some guy being like, can I see her hands?

She's like training a box.

And she held her hands out.

And then he just held her hand.

And it was like, that's cute.

And that was his move to try and fuck.

And then we thought, naturally, can I see your pussy?

Can I see your pussy?

Yeah, can we see your pussy real quick?

Oh, that's cute.

Yeah.

Look how well my dick fits into your pussy.

It also sounds like you're just trying to borrow it.

Yo, let me see that pussy.

Can I hold your pussy?

Let me hold that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I borrow your pussy?

Other current events going.

Oh, do you guys hear about that fucking guy who loves?

This is a cause we have to get behind.

For real.

There's a guy who loves trains.

He's autistic or some shit.

And he got in trouble.

He keeps getting in trouble for stealing the trains.

We've definitely talked about that on the show.

Have we?

Or you know what it is?

Is I've heard about that guy so many fucking times and people keep emailing me the story.

Yeah.

That we don't talk about it.

That I don't talk about it because I feel like I must have.

But I saw it because I think Will shared the link.

Like now he's like, he's about to go to, he's got a big trial coming up.

And if they find him dangerous, the poor guy's got to go to fucking jail for like his whole life.

Or if they say he's like, you know, got mental problems, then he gets to like a bro.

He's just got black autism.

I know, but this is what I'm saying.

Well, it's look, autism, trains, obviously, the uniforms, like an obsession.

Black part, crime.

And you combine the two.

This man is a victim.

He should be working for the MTA.

He's a trained savant.

But because of.

That's true.

It's like if you're so good at it.

How hard is it to be good at you?

They're on a fucking track.

The man.

Where is he going to take it?

But he fucking was a little kid who learned how to do it.

That's pretty impressive.

What was the Leslie Nielsen movie where...

Wrongfully accused.

That's wrongfully accused.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing.

I don't know that you guys watch his name.

Instead of packing, let's watch the airplane movies after this.

Let's watch airplane movies.

I'll make an apple crumble pie.

I don't want pie.

I'm keeping it.

Are we going to do two?

Dude, I can't wait to buy a house for you.

Dude, let's watch a domestic and shit.

I have to go see you.

I'm going to be my own housewife.

What?

I'm going to be my own housewife.

I'm going to buy a house and just make myself pie.

I bet your pies suck dick, bro.

Probably.

It'll take a long time to get good at them.

You got to put them on the windowsill.

I'm actually, like, I would post pictures on Instagram of food that I had made because it looked bad, but

like.

I have tried so hard to make food that's good.

Like, it was like a joke, but it's also

half the time.

Like,

this started off with

attempting something for real.

I know, because I could see the pride in your eyes when it turned out good.

Yeah.

You know, it's so fucking hard to cook.

I don't understand it.

It's not that hard, bro.

I have no idea how it works.

You just got to have a natural flair.

See, I'm good at cooking because I love food.

Like, you know, where you have to develop film in the dark?

That's how, like, cooking works for me.

Because you can't taste it throughout.

I have no idea what's going on.

You're supposed to taste it throughout.

That's like.

No, you can't taste raw chicken.

He's raw chicken.

No, no, no, but you're supposed to taste the food food before.

Baking is hard.

Cooking's easy.

Baking's like something.

Baking's easy.

You just follow the rules.

No.

You follow the instructions.

No, it can go wrong.

I've followed so many fucking recipes when it's done, it's like this is barely edible.

And

I follow it to a fucking T.

Recipes, like cooking recipes is harder than baking.

No.

Because baking is like just, you just put it in the right amount of ingredients.

No, listen.

I've watched the Great British Bake Off.

Okay, she can go wrong.

Yeah, but those people are really going off.

How about the great bitch Tits Bake Off?

The Great What?

The Great Bitch Tits Bake Off, and it's only men with breasts.

Oh, yeah.

Those guys would honestly make really good.

They're just topless, and they have their arms bare on their back, and they go, Yes, Chef, and their tits shake when they do it.

Just chef.

What the fuck is fringe pan stuff?

Who knows?

They always talk about that in Bake Off.

I tell you what.

Underpants?

Yes.

Take it away.

Take it away, gold.

Goldie.

Me?

Yeah,

what's a good

friendly, endearing nickname for your Jewish

at the same time?

All right.

Here's the return of Adam's Deal Corner.

You ready?

Adam's Deal Corner.

Carefully carved out of British Mandate of Palestine.

The Deal Corner is the forefront of horrific atrocities in the world.

First of all, before the secret intelligence organization that's allowed to carry out assassinations without the international community batting an eye.

Adam's deal corner.

First of all,

lowering prices around the globe.

The mandate for Palestine.

What if, you know, everybody hates Israel, but what if Israel is the only thing preventing globalist capitalism from taking over the world because Israel keeps prices?

They love deals.

They love deals.

Yeah, it's Israel.

The balance between Israel's love of getting a deal and discounts prevents capitalism from just making all the money go up to the

mossad.

Did you salute to that?

Trump was

working with an Israeli security firm during the election.

Hell yeah.

Basically, everyone's been waiting for Russia, and the second Israel's implicated, now no one's saying anything.

You know, I like how people say, like, if you want to know who runs the world, see who you can't criticize.

See Maxwell's in underpants.

Yeah, if you want to know who runs the world, see you can't criticize.

But I posted some pretty nasty comments about this three-year-old with Down syndrome on YouTube.

And everyone's like fucking mad at me.

Damn.

That's who runs the world.

Probably runs the world.

Yeah, it's Cody from Salt Lake City.

And his mom is a school teacher.

And I said, what, I'm supposed to be impressed that this kid knows half the alphabet.

He's fucking retarded.

That's a good point.

A regular child knows the whole alphabet by the time he's half his age.

So true.

Anyways.

You know who is in support of Israel?

Bad Baby, the rapper.

15-year-old

kitties.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She came out as staunchly pro-Israel on Instagram.

That's fucking good.

Like, the best Zionist celebrity is John Voigt.

Yeah, well, they got him off of drugs.

Israel did?

No, the Chabad, the Orthodox Jewish organization, got him off of drugs.

Chabad?

And they made him really right.

It looks like a good sandwich.

Chabad is like those dudes in Crown Heights.

It's the Blues Brothers guys.

The guys that dress with that

fedora Chabad a boy, and it's about a boy, but it's Hasidic guys

trying to cut off the tip of his.

Circumcising him and sucking his dicks.

I haven't seen About a Boy, so I don't know what it's about.

I don't know what it is.

I'm assuming it's about a boy, but Chabada Boy.

Is the boy cute?

The boy is very cute and precocious, and

then you got Hugh, what's his name?

Jackman?

No, no.

No, what do you go up to?

Who's that British guy that's going to be a bitch?

You go up to Rant.

Chabad guys, and you go, Habad, you suck my dick.

how about you suck my dick

they're the

how bad do you want to suck my dick

they're the

the are you jewish really bad probably

yeah

anyway so

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Even a fucking idiot like you can figure out the website because it's that easy.

Look, dude, I spend so much time at my computer just fucking screaming obscenities at online shopping websites.

Oh, yes.

The other day I was at this website, and it's like, before you can download the video, you need to submit 30,000 bitcoins through

this escrow service to make sure that you're not working for the fucking FBI.

And it's like, just let me.

By the time the video downloads, I'm not even going to be hard anymore.

This kid's probably going to be over 18.

Absolutely.

I got to think about that.

It's like, it doesn't even work for me if he's not still.

He's not still a child.

Sure, you want to see a newspaper next to one.

And

I was like, you know what?

Fuck online shopping.

And then I found MacWeldon.com.

A website for guys like me.

For idiots that want to download something.

Real dummies.

I figured out how to use websites on MacWaldon.com with their easy shopping interface.

Damn, if only all websites were this easy.

It's so much easier than the dark web.

When I'm trying to buy an AK-47,

I could just go to MacWeldon.com and load up on underwear.

Beautiful.

Anyways,

yeah, MacWeldon.com, they got a silver line of shirts and underwear.

They're naturally antimicrobial.

That means that if you got a small dick and you put them on, they'll burst into flames.

And it's silver.

Bursting.

It's silver, so it's made out of coins.

Yeah, it's silver, so your skin turns blue.

Like a smirk.

Green, kind of.

That shit's greeny.

I'm trying to get that.

I want silver poisoning and just have blue skin.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, they got

the duffel bag, I think.

They got crew necks.

It's crew neck season, dude.

Fall coming up.

You're wearing a hoodie.

You're a fucking asshole.

What are you, Mr.

Robot?

You go crew neck.

Hoodies are for children.

I think they sell hoodies, too.

Okay, well, if they sell hoodies, I rescind that.

Check out their hoodies.

It's the only company that sells hoodies that aren't for criminals or children.

That's right.

And sweatpants, too.

They do.

They got sweatpants.

Great track pants.

Are you a guy that likes to drive his girlfriend's car?

His girlfriend's father's car?

You know?

You're really into quick star?

Get some sweatpants.

So true.

You know, that's what I do.

Mm-hmm.

I used to.

I used to be one of those guys.

I miss being one of those guys.

What kind of thing?

Just a scumbag.

Yeah.

Where your girlfriend pays for everything.

Yeah, getting ahead in her father's car.

yeah, yeah, getting ahead in her car that you're driving drunk.

Damn, I used to be so much cooler, yeah.

Really cooler.

It's funny, it's like having money does cuck you no matter what.

Because there's no way to be a piece of shit.

I guess you can.

Uh, you can't.

You just, that's why people fuck kids.

You can be a total piece of shit.

No, but the kind of piece of shit that takes things from people.

Are you kidding me?

That is exactly how rich people do.

That's what I'm too.

I'm too charitable to be like that.

My heart's too big.

No, it's not.

No, that's what the doctor said.

Oh, yeah.

You just got diagnosed with an enlarged heart.

You're like, yeah, I'm charitable.

The doctor's like, no, that's not what it means.

In fact, you're kind of a bad guy.

In fact, the stress of how bad you are is probably enlarging your heart.

Yeah.

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I have completely forgotten.

We've been doing these ads two years, but it's somewhere up there.

It's a nice discount, you fucking.

Yeah, it's a fucking decent because I'll tell you.

Shut the fuck up.

Those underwear are fucking expensive.

So you're going to need that.

You're going to need that nice.

Actually, comparatively, they're not.

If you go to like Macy's or whatever, you try to get like fancy underwear.

It's true.

For nice underwear, they're very nice.

Yeah, it's reasonably priced for nice underwear.

And also, listen, you want to run that.

Hey, look, I wouldn't say that, you if it weren't true.

That's right.

Definitely wouldn't.

We're not going to be able to do that.

Stand by our fucking interest in actually being nice to these companies.

I'm not putting my fucking word on the line.

So true, brother.

My goddamn word means more than anything.

My fucking, look, at the end of the day, the only thing you have is your word.

So true.

Herpes.

Yep.

And also.

And a promise that you do not have herpes.

But you do have.

At the end of the day, the only thing you have is that your word.

The knowledge that you've lied about having herpes.

Never lied.

Never once.

If you believe something.

If you say you don't have herpes, it's still your word.

When you said, do you have herpes?

I thought you were asking me if I wanted to play the drinking game herpes.

Yeah.

So true.

Do you have herpes?

I didn't understand it was a literal question.

I thought it was euphemism, referring to the classic drinking game,

do you have herpes?

Which I have never played because I've only been drunk once and it lasted 25 years.

That was one drunk.

That was one drinking I've done.

And that was an entire session.

So to say that I am a drunk or somebody that drank a lot is incorrect.

I'm somebody that drank one time.

And

did I ever black out?

No.

But do I remember anything?

No, not at all.

But I wouldn't say my memory is black.

It's more of like a white, kind of hazy color.

Yes.

Smoky.

A lot of, yeah, more of a yellow submarine out.

Smoked out, brother.

I was also on ketamine at the time,

which was legal in the 1980s.

Cocaine and ketamine were entirely completely legal.

Completely legal for the 1980s, of which we were alive for two years.

An average of two years between the three of us.

Look, I don't want to

get actually you, but

there's a little thing called ex post facto.

Maybe I can elucidate

it.

Elucidiize you momentum.

Elucidimy, dude.

Ex post facto means that if you were alive when something wasn't illegal, you're allowed to do it.

Oh, interesting.

And if you were alive while something was illegal, for instance, you know, we should choose.

We can't do inter Nazi Germany.

We can't do interracial marriages in certain states.

Yeah.

Well, that, I mean, the only reason I wouldn't interracial marry is like just to be safe.

I'm pretty sure

it's fine.

But it's like, why risk it?

Yep, no, that's true.

Anyways, promo code Come Town.

Yeah, and you can return them if you don't want to.

Yeah, if you don't like the fucking underwear, you can get it.

Oh, yeah.

Mac welding.

I'll also bet DSI's got 24-7 customers.

Award-winning.

I always forget that.

Oh, man.

I love pussy.

No, you don't.

Yeah, huh?

In fact, I've heard the opposite.

Who?

Who said it?

It's all over Twitter.

What?

It's trending.

Oh, are you serious?

Yeah, Stop.

You didn't say that.

Stop doesn't love pussy is trending on Twitter.

It's trending on Twitter.

The New York Times is reporting about it right now.

That's honestly so fucked up.

I'm going to have to post a video of me eating pussy on Twitter to revert those claims.

I'm all about this limo driver.

What limo driver?

The guy that killed all those people.

Oh, yeah, that sucks, man.

Why are you about him?

I don't know, man.

That seems badass.

No, it doesn't.

Limo driver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.

Leomo driver, killing an entire wedding party.

Yeah, dead Leo.

Did he die too?

Or just every...

Did he kill them?

Well, the brakes went out on the fucking limousine.

The company was owned by some

upstanding immigrant from Pakistan.

A guy who came here from Pakistan who...

That's what I love is like,

you know, like just like talking about like, oh, guys are going to come here from Mexico and they're rapists and criminals.

And for the most part, that's like statistically inaccurate.

Right.

But think about all the people that just suck at their job.

Yeah.

You know, that don't get the brakes changed on their fucking limo.

To save probably $3 over the long of the time.

Right, yeah.

They're, yeah, more expensive than that, Adam.

You side with the business owner that didn't.

You know, I was going to say there are plenty of Americans that don't like doing

the guy that owned the company was like indicted for fraud in two thousand one when he first came here.

And to let him stay in the country because he was Pakistani, he turned into like an informant in trapping other Pakistani people in like bullshit.

I mean, I didn't really look into it, but

you know, how the FBI just tricks retarded Muslim people into driving vans full of fake bombs.

And they're like, we got him.

Just look at this elaborate plot he had

that we entirely came up with.

Yeah,

we're against the Patriot Act on this show.

We're against it.

I don't want the government listening to our.

Let me just say this.

What kind of patriot would give up his essential freedoms?

So true.

Good point, dude.

I would love to die in 9-11 if it meant that I don't have to go through one of those body scanners anymore.

Yeah, I don't want all those guys looking at my dick.

I like showing up.

My dick isn't even hard.

Yeah.

You shouldn't be able to look at my dick through my pants with that body scanner.

No, that's not the the Patriot Act.

What the Patriot Act is, is

government guys reading.

Steph Adam reading.

Believe me, that's the Patriot Act.

You're trying to get nudes from girls.

Huh?

Yeah.

They have all those.

They shouldn't read those either.

They shouldn't.

I agree.

I'm a Patriot.

But fuck the Patriot Act.

How about that for a take?

Oh, I agree too.

And also abolish ICE.

You see, they fucking just deporting people.

They found some guy's wallet who was already applying for a green card.

And they're like, hey, we found your wallet.

And then they called him, and then they're just deporting his ass.

Back to Brazil.

Oh, God.

Where Brazil seems fucked up, bro.

Yeah, they just, they're electing a fascist.

Damn, we're fucked, huh?

Global warm is going to fuck our asses, and it's going to be fucking fascists again.

Yep, but we're going to be broadcasting into the abyss, folks.

And Corey Booker's going to run for fucking president.

What about global horning?

And in 40 years, everybody becomes horny.

I love that.

That would be a beautiful change.

If we could do global horny, okay, how about that?

We run and that's our platform.

We turn global warming into global horny.

Everyone sucks and fucks.

Yeah.

Maybe the cum can, if we come enough, we get cum.

We missed it.

We make it turn into a mist.

That it's so sticky, it closes up the hole in the ozone layer.

Oh, that'd be cool.

Yeah, you get a big bucket of cum and hook it up to one of those paint sprayers.

Yeah.

Yes.

And then you just just go around you go around Midtown painting women until the cops stop.

No, no, not with paint sprayers.

You know, there's like compressors.

Yeah.

No, no,

we'd have to take a hot air balloon.

That would be a hilarious crime.

Some guy with a backpack filled with cum.

Like Mario Paint.

Like his Mario Sunshine outfit.

Mario Sunshine.

You wear the Mario Sunshine outfit.

And then you just go around Times Square painting middle-aged women from Minneapolis.

You're like, what the fuck?

And then you're just painting them with cum.

Yeah, he's welcome to New York, bitch.

He's bombing the city, dude.

He's doing tags.

I would love to read an article if something like that happen.

There shouldn't be a penalty for that.

Well, there was a story.

Somebody sent me, not even a story.

Somebody told me they got a friend that works for like

the Secret Service, which doesn't really make sense, but there was this guy.

Yo, my boy.

This guy was like.

They caught him.

He was sending

musical instruments to disabled poor kids or whatever around the country, and he was cumming and all the flute mouthpieces.

Oh, my God.

And he sent out thousands of flutes to kids, and the kids were like playing the flute and putting the cum on their mouth.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's just a prank.

And he's beating off.

That's like that prompt, like, if you had a button that killed somebody anywhere in the world, but it's like, you had a button.

That makes you come because of the knowledge that somebody else is eating your cum a million miles away, but you don't know who it is.

Would you press it?

That guy's like, yeah, of course.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I mean, if I had that button, maybe, but is he, I guess he is coming, huh?

Yeah.

Damn, dude.

Just some kid putting cum in.

Coming before the fact, though, like, you're beating off to the idea of somebody putting that flute on their mouth.

Not somebody, a disabled.

You're beating off to the idea of a poor kid putting their cum in your mouth through the flute.

And so presumably you're beating off to that idea, and then you come on the flute.

At that point, you've already.

You've already come, yeah, I know.

Why are you still.

What the fuck are you doing?

Don't mail it.

I know.

I should be this guy's life coach.

Yep, absolutely.

Yeah, just keep the but maybe it's sort of like he's planting seeds because it's like maybe he'll be down sometime and he'll want to get horny and think about someone eating his cum, you know?

Just kind of not condoning his behavior, just kind of trying to figure out exactly what he's getting at.

A lot of irons in the fire, you know.

Do you think he has pictures of those kids?

Is he thinking about or is it just abstract people?

For the price of a cup of coffee a day, and then that guy's like, Can we just send a cup of coffee

with cream in it?

Damn, that's how that dentist did.

He just would squirt cum, but I guess he watched it.

McDonald's character?

I looked it up.

That guy's not a McDonald's character.

So he's just a guy.

Yeah, I went through the whole list.

It didn't have.

I mean, this whole time,

everybody thought that McDonald's had a cum dentist.

The cum dentist character.

I guess they don't.

Dude, I'm so excited for fall.

I feel so much better.

I hate the summer, dude.

We did kind of, we are going, we're kind of missing a nice chunk of fall, actually.

Oh, we're going to get nice fall, too.

I looked up the weekly forecast this week in 2020.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

What's it looking like?

It's between 69 and 72.

Yeah.

It's going to be a turn.

It's like a few Japanese porn stars.

Yeah.

Yeah, but your dick has to be blurred out while you do it.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on in my cock?

Yeah, just walking around the street.

What's the deal with the fucking blurred out dicks?

What's going on over here?

It's going to be so hard for me not to do the voice.

I'm actually really worried about it.

Yeah.

Just doing...

Because people are going to say shit to me in the voice, and then I'm going to lose.

I saw you laughing at a gay man dancing the other night.

Yeah.

And I knew what was going on.

And I was like, don't make eye contact with him.

It's only going to get worse.

Because we'll lock eyes and laugh about it together.

Where was this?

I can't say.

But I saw you doing it.

I don't want to say.

So don't say it, but tell me.

There was no gay man dancing there.

There was.

I saw it.

I guarantee you.

Nick and I were laughing at just a fat gay guy ordering donuts.

Well, I didn't.

Let me clarify.

I wasn't laughing at the fact that he was gay.

I was laughing at the fact that he was a big fat nerd wearing Tivas, and he he was like,

one adultre, please.

Ah, Doltrai de Lache.

No, that's not what he sounded like, dude.

Yeah, he had like a lady's voice.

No, he was like a big fat nerd.

He was like, one adult,

please?

How do you guys know he was gay then?

Adam, he had a lady's voice.

I didn't even think he was gay.

I thought he was a nerd.

But immediately after Adam was like, we're just laughing at a gay guy.

I'm like, sure, he could be gay also.

Who cares?

Who cares?

That's the kind of bully I am.

Yeah.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm non-discriminating, dude.

Look at those people like, yeah, I'm not racist.

I hate everybody equally.

That's right.

Except kind of blacks, a little bit more, just a pinch more.

And Jews also.

And okay, Muslims as well.

But after that,

Chinese a half step less than them, but also more than white people.

But I respect them because they're smarter.

I respect them because they spit inside.

And Indians, again, I'm racist even though they're smart too.

I hate them too.

Suck my penis, lick my balls, and fuck my ass.

I saw Mandy, guys.

Oh, yeah.

Fucking rules.

I saw Candy.

I heard it's great.

And it was rules.

It was good.

It ruled.

Nikki Cage, it fucking rules.

Maybe I'll go see it tonight.

You can see it on demand.

No, it's on Amazon.

I've been told by numerous people you got to see.

You got to see it in the theater.

I saw it at home, but I'm sure it was better in the theater.

I got a big theater setup.

It's scary.

I mean, you have fucking surround sound

Dolby

3.1 and this amazing TV.

I mean if we fucking close the blinds is it scary?

Yeah.

I don't get scared.

But yeah, it's scary.

It's yeah it's scary.

Oh you don't get scared but it's scary.

It's a movie.

How are you going to get scared?

Oh my god.

Answer the fucking question.

Is it a scary movie?

It's a scary movie.

Yeah.

So the answer is yes.

Yeah, Adam lives in fear so much in his regular life.

Oh, he'd never been frightened by a movie.

I love that.

Yo, I'm not going to get afraid of a movie.

I'm a giant coward that shrivels up anytime another man is on the same side of the sidewalk as me.

That's not even true.

Don't tell me.

Hold on.

I've seen you every time a black person passes you.

Fuck off.

He's like, can we go?

Actually, I don't want to go get a coffee.

He's running back inside.

Super professional.

He ordered food.

He ordered food.

How long did you order food?

How long ago was the food?

Overnight.

That was a while, yeah.

Yeah, because this episode's almost done.

Yeah, we're almost done here.

I have a hard-ass fucking

fucking awesome.

I know.

This is the last good thing we're ever going to do, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Podcast is going to go downhill.

Yeah, this is.

Many say it already has.

Nah, nah, that's not true.

But it will soon.

You don't get me wrong.

We need new sponsors.

I just want this show to transition into an hour-long live read.

We're almost there.

Let's do the bon.

Oh, fuck.

The next one's a bonus.

You do

one company an episode and you charge them $800 million?

Love it.

Then you gamble all of that on the Carlos Slim funds.

That's right.

You put that in there.

You seated

the spot on the couch at him.

How's that feel?

That's fun.

Yeah.

I'll stand the rest of the episode.

Well, that's almost over.

It's almost over.

So catch us in Japan.

See us in

Australia, the 23rd, Sydney.

The 25th, Melbourne.

26th, Melbourne.

26th Melbourne.

28th, Briz Brain.

I thought I had that memorized.

And then I am coming to Indianapolis on the 29th 29th of November.

I think Cincinnati on the 30th.

And I think Columbus on the 1st.

And then in D.C., I'm coming.

My first.

That's November.

No, that's.

Yeah, November into December.

And then D.C.,

the weekend of the 7th and 8th, I'm at the D.C.

draft house doing my first

Real Comedy Club weekend for shows.

Please come out.

I could really use the numbers, gang.

So see you then, everyone.

And we're about to get sucked off in Japan.

The next time you'll hear from us, we'll be, well, actually, we're about to do another one, but

at some point you'll hear from us in Japan.

Goodbye, everyone.

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