Ep. 122 – The sopranos

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

And as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu/slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

My phone just buzzed.

Another data breach alert.

It was a reminder that VPNs and encrypted apps can't fix what's broken at the network level.

That's where CAPE comes in.

CAPE is a secure mobile carrier built with privacy as its foundation.

It doesn't collect names, addresses, or personal data, so it can't sell what it never stores.

Use the code CAPE33 to get the first month of premium nationwide service for just $30 a month and 33% off the first six months.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

All right, we're ready to have a Rip Warren racist good time.

Are you going to hit record?

I already hit recording.

Jeme le poussoir.

You fucking imbecile.

Jemme le poussoir.

You guys like my new French?

Fuck up.

Tape.

The Muzzy for fat people.

Who's Muzzy, motherfucker?

Muzzy was like French.

How about it's cuz he and it's Muzzy, and he's still French, but now he's like a black guy that's like a crip.

You know, okay.

He's like,

Savacas.

Nice blue.

He's cuz

you guys can't, you guys definitely can't speak any other languages, right?

Savacas, I can say that, bitch.

Sava?

Saba means what's up?

No, it's Sava just means like hello.

Nah, it means I think it translates literally to like it goes.

So it's like,

you know, like.

Saba bien.

It's going well.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah.

How's it going, maybe?

You know, like, we're going to go to the store.

Saba.

Seva is like.

Saba.

You know, someone.

Sabat.

Unventure.

In métis.

Un du trois cat sanctu neuf dis.

Yes.

Disney.

Yeah.

Ons is 11.

You took French in school, Salis?

Yeah, these nudes.

I did.

Disneudes?

I took Spanish.

I took French one for three years.

In middle school, you took French one.

Like, you took it, you took the first half of French one in seventh grade, the second half in eighth grade.

And then in high school, they were like, well, great, you can start at French two.

And I was like, oh, no, no.

I will start.

I took

a skipping the line.

In seventh grade, I took French one, and then in eighth grade, I took French one B.

Hell yeah.

Because they had like,

yeah, you weren't good enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're only going to have to repeat half the year.

But then I just like nailed French one because I'd already learned learned all that shit.

I just failed the last test.

Yeah.

So I didn't have to study.

It was great.

Yeah, dude.

That's high school was awesome.

Yeah.

And that's where, in my French class, that is where I saw 9-11 happen.

Nice.

Nice.

I was in the gym.

I was eating a baguette.

I was

and then the teacher's like, Yes.

Like, we have this done it.

This is what they get for changing the name of French fries.

I'm like, that hasn't happened yet.

Shut down.

I found out

on my clock radio from the 98.5 Morning Zoo.

Are you sure it wasn't on your suck cock radio?

Was it on that, Adam?

No, it wasn't.

It was on my clock radio because I was on the

Pacific time zone kid.

And then I woke up my parents.

I said,

Today is 9-11, guys.

Did you not see the calendar?

This isn't 9-11 related, but this is French teacher-related.

My high school French teacher, someone wrote graffiti on the desk that I, you know, how you guys remember it was different periods, so it wasn't just your desk.

And he pulled me aside and he was like, I know, I know what you did.

And I was like, what?

No, I didn't do anything.

Yeah, now he was, I was, he loved me.

I was like,

and he could see the despair in his eyes.

He was like, on your desk, it said, Mr.

Aziz is faggot.

I was like, no, Mr.

Aziz, it was not me.

Damn, Somebody wrote on my faggot on his desk.

Mr.

Aziz puts his fingers in a woman's mouth

weirdly.

He does the claw motion.

He saw a woman's mouth.

I saw Stavros, you heard my feeling.

I see a whole article he wrote on babe.net.

I was a guy.

You say, Aziz,

she's asked for a white one, but you get her red to imply that I am engaging rapey behavior.

Whatever the fuck that means.

Stop eating puffins on Mike, you fucking duns.

Nobody can hear it.

Yeah, I can hear it, dude.

Nobody's wearing the headphones.

Adams is wearing the fucking phone.

Nobody even knew I was

tactically eating cereal.

They say,

no more free Randy.

I was getting my dick sucked a little bit and then I tried to fuck.

And now everyone knows.

it's very embarrassing.

Salute to Mr.

Aziz.

Salute to Mr.

Aziz, my Moroccan

teacher.

I want to get real successful and then just pick up young women and bring them back to my apartment and then lock the door and make them watch me use that racing wheel

for hours just seeing how long it takes before I can get an article like that written about me.

You ruin their comedy careers.

Just people don't know how to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have my managers threaten

how much he loves video games and didn't try and fuck you.

Everyone's gonna think he's gay and weird.

Say he tried to fuck you, say he raped you.

You still can't do any shows, but you definitely better.

Anyway, they're like, wait, Mullins with Dave Becky.

And he's like, no, this is just my thing.

I don't even know him.

This is just what I like to do.

Call people up and give them the business.

Yeah.

Which, you know, it's like Dave Becky calling up women and threatening them for like trying to expose Louis C.K.

is probably the most a manager has ever done for a client.

In a strange way, that makes him...

That makes him one of the best managers.

That's what makes him like the guy.

What makes him a fucking good manager.

Yeah, it's hard to get an email.

I can't get an email back.

Yeah.

It's like, I don't even have a manager.

if you have a management company and are interested in the services of Stavi Baby, please message me at

suckmynuts at, no, just on my website.

It's very available.

Stav at stav

stavi.biz.

Yeah.

All inquiries.

If you want to threaten women that are trying to go public with that story about

a lot of them.

No, there are not.

There is just a...

For some reason, they come to me.

A phone book slag.

No, there are not.

Of women who have been sexually disappointed slash disgusted and are forced to be able to get to the bottom of

a nice time.

Yeah.

Now, maybe, sure, does it take a couple of pumps to get my penis all the way up to fucking

your birthday present?

Well, I tried, but it's a wet pump.

So what am I going to put in the

bathtub and jerk off?

I'll be like, wa like I'm like, hold on, I gotta go to the bathroom and then come back dripping wet with a hard ass dick.

Isn't it funny?

For s for some people, finding out stop fucks, and it's only men.

For some reason, women get it.

What's up, girls?

Yeah, right.

Because he's confident and fucking.

Right, exactly.

But when you're a nice guy.

Like when men hear that stop fuck, it's like some Brooklyn Heights Hillary woman not understanding how Donald Trump won the election.

Oh, yeah.

They're like, oh, yeah.

Mr.

Cheeto, sure, he's going to win.

And then just living in fucking constant despair to realizing the world doesn't reflect what you thought it did.

Yep.

Sorry.

Yeah.

I'm

your what your girl

has some economic anxiety.

You know, it does.

It's funny because I don't like the lecherousness, right?

I don't, I don't, you don't like horniness.

I don't like horniness.

Which really?

Seeing how angry it makes people when they realize that you fuck.

I really enjoy that.

There we go.

Because all theirs is, is like a subdued horniness that can't express itself, which is even worse.

Absolutely worse.

Those people should be killed first.

And then you'll get to me.

Yeah, like guys that think about it.

No,

I'll sate my bloodlust with that.

Nice, dude.

Well, we found it.

That's honestly the biggest tension in our relationship is that you can't enjoy what I fuck.

But now that you're talking about it.

What are you talking about?

We all like it.

Now, Nick found out the way to enjoy it.

No, he doesn't like it.

He doesn't like your horniness.

I don't like the horniness.

Yeah, he doesn't like your performative horniness.

Which is fake.

He's calling you out for being horny.

No, no, I never said it was fake.

Thank you.

I think it's indulgent.

It is indulgent.

I'm a whole I'm a whole indulgent.

My whole being is not being able to not do what I want to do.

That's my biggest issue.

I love drugs and sucking onto

chocolates.

Yeah.

And a whole and

I've already done all the things that I want to do.

And it brings me nothing.

No, you probably have some more stuff on your list.

No, not really.

Did you ever learn how to code?

I mean, I did that.

Yes.

And I did the racing wheel thing kind of as a joke, but it was like, I mean, I bought an $800 racing wheel.

I mean, if that doesn't do it.

Yeah.

And here we are a year later.

But I'm glad it's fall, man.

I'm telling you.

Oh, yeah.

A million times better.

We definitely should hit a cabin.

Yeah.

Let's do a show in like Vermont or something and then stay there for a couple days.

That would be nice.

That really would.

We should do it right when we get back.

So we can see it.

Always be on tour.

Japan.

Hello.

Yeah,

we're professionals.

Professional podcasters.

We should always be on fucking tour.

I'm the most one of the most professional people in it.

You're eating.

Stop, because then I'm going to start eating puffins, too.

Dude, have them.

I put them out there for you.

They are very tasty.

Okay.

Good cereal.

Shout out to the Puffins Corporation.

The peanut butter flavor is fantastic.

Cinnamon is pretty good, too.

Peanut butter is very good.

So, Stop, you just got back from

Chicago.

Shout out to Detroit.

You guys got to go do the Lincoln Lodge, bro.

It was awesome.

That place fucking rocked.

I heard people were giving you mad pills.

I did take a loose pill from somebody who just handed me a colonopin.

I thought instead of the Lincoln log, it's the blinking log, right?

And then the mascot is a dick.

And then the dick hole is its winking.

I like that.

Does it have a little eyebrow?

The top of the foreskin maybe could be the eyebrow.

It's kind of a monocle, but there's no other eye.

Okay.

Jesus.

And it's the blinking log.

That's cool.

Does it have a beard?

Yeah, a little A Blinken beard.

A blinking hat.

It's also A Blinken.

It's A Blinken.

So then it goes back to Lincoln.

Whoa.

You know?

Nice.

So then it's the blinking, but it's spelled B-L-I-N-C-O-L-N.

Oh,

the Blinkin' Hog.

Yeah.

And people are like, what direction are they?

The Blinkin Hog.

Where is this?

Because it's a double.

I love it.

I love Blinkin' Hog.

It's like, wait, what is this from?

Lincoln Log.

Of course, you fucking idiot.

The Blinking Hog is a play on Lincoln Long.

Dave Lincoln with a monocle for some reason and a top

and it's winking at you.

Yeah.

Which I don't know how we would even

wink.

Haven't you ever seen a business before?

Didn't even wink.

Ever been to a restaurant?

Isn't the whole point of winking that one eye stays open?

No, blinking and winking mean the same thing.

Blinking and winking open.

No, blinking is two eyes.

Winking is one eye.

Well, it stands for by winking.

By winking.

Yeah.

Nice.

Two winks.

That's so smart, man.

Nick, you're the smartest one.

I'm really into etymology these days.

Hey, I'm really into edamameology.

Yeah.

Damn, I had one night where I was like, just, there was some edamame and I was eating it.

I'm like, man, all this fucking edamame is like,

it's all empty.

And then I realized I was just sucking Amber's leftover edamame shelf.

That's a sad feeling.

That's a sad feeling.

Or when you go for the bowl, it was pretty awful.

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty terrible.

That's really sad.

It's really gross.

And I went through like five of them before I realized.

Yeah.

Because it's not like someone just like sort of, it's not like drinking from a straw or a water.

No, no, it's something that's sucked on.

Completely submerged in their mouth and sucked on.

Yeah.

No, I did that with a dick.

It's like a level of intimacy I wasn't prepared for.

Yeah.

That's why I had to move out, honestly.

Yeah.

That makes sense, man.

Manamame thing.

Yeah.

That makes a lot of fucking sense.

I just saw Ernest this morning.

I'm cat sitting right now.

Are you?

Yeah.

Did you fuck him?

He's fat, dude.

He's fat again.

You gained weight, man.

Yeah.

It all came back.

You got big as shit on tour.

Dude, I can't stop getting fucked up.

It's awesome.

I am going to die like every fat comic, man.

It just feels too good.

You're going to be dead in five years.

No, I'm not.

I don't know what's going to happen with the show.

I'm not going to be dead.

You should try to get cast as in Confederacy at Dunstan.

You should try to get cast in plaster

so that you're capable of

Han Solo.

And you have to be fed to it too.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

You should consider that kind of casting.

Nah, dude, listen.

Okay,

I'm going.

I'm basically off the road until we go to Japan or whatever.

You're not going to be on diet in Japan.

Absolutely not.

That will will suck.

But for a couple weeks before that, I'm going to get it together.

You go to Australia and you eat an entire kangaroo.

It hops just one hop into my mouth.

The truth is, I truly have been abusing my body and I have felt horrible for four weeks.

But every time I don't feel horrible for a second, I start getting fucked up and that feels awesome.

So what I'm going to do is be sober for a couple weeks,

maybe start taking Adderall again to suppress my appetite.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

And then,

and then I'll be good to go.

That's a great idea.

Get really busted.

What you should do is smoke cigarettes.

Yeah, yeah.

Start smoking cigs and chewing

my throat and doing Adderall.

You should get really into cigarettes and leather jackets.

Do the leather jackets, maybe.

Maybe you should get spanks.

No, I don't want that.

That's not going to lose weight.

He's just going to show his ass more.

That's kind of funny.

Actually, you know what?

Maybe I do want that.

It'd be funny if you got into corsets.

You just got real busty, real hour last time.

You got to pull my tits out.

Just like a fucking whore in the old West.

That would be fucking hilarious, dude.

Yeah.

And then just my tits get big because I'm not a fan man with titties.

I've seen some of those guys.

But imagine if I could read, if all my stomach went to my titties.

Yeah.

I have a flat stomach.

You do have like a bowling ball.

Cheese.

Yeah, it's actually as for obesity.

It's probably the the best case scenario.

Yes, for you know what?

Yeah, for regular obesity, it is the best scenario.

You're not like a pudding shape.

I know.

Listen, I wear my fat well.

Yeah.

As well as possible.

And I'm a cute little rascal, dude.

I know what the fuck is going on here.

Yeah.

But shouts out to everyone in Chicago that came out to see me.

Shouts out.

I'm sorry.

Comeboy tried to give me drugs, but I said no.

I couldn't go pick it up or something like that.

I really appreciate the offer.

And next time I'm in town, I will.

What kind of drugs?

A couple pills, Xannies, Klonopins.

I was going to stock up for the plane ride because we got a dose for the plane ride.

To Japan, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

Knock that shit out.

It's going to be a long-ass drive.

That's what I did on the way to South Africa.

I took a half of a Xanax, like that Drake song.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It really doesn't work.

I'm going to find a TV show I've been seeing and download all the episodes.

Dude, they got a TV ride at the seat.

I'm going to salepad to plug my shit in.

I'm going to find the TV show.

Watch.

That's what I did actually.

Last time I went to Japan, I watched

all the terminals.

Yeah, dude.

I watched a bunch of homicide life on the street that way.

That's how I got into homicide.

Where were you going?

I forget.

Just I had been on the road and stuff.

Yeah.

By the way, great show.

Isn't it hilarious that Drake is a pedophile?

It seems like.

Is that what's going on?

Yeah.

Yeah, you remember.

We've all spoken it in your offline sentence.

We've spoken a couple things into it.

Yeah, that was us, right?

Yeah, if it if it ain't penetration.

Although, if it ain't penetration, to be fair, it was me in the car years prior to that.

No, it wasn't in the car.

That was at Eric's apartment.

Well, we were walking on it over.

If it ain't penetration, it ain't illegal, dog.

That was the night where you guys...

No, you guys slept over at Eric's apartment, right?

I remember specifically because it crushed, and I was proud of myself.

We were by those basketball courts.

Yeah, yeah, in bedside.

Yeah, whatever the fuck that was.

When I was staying at Eric's, right, when we moved up.

When I moved up, Sa was visiting for the weekend.

I thought he was driving around, though.

He driven.

I feel like I was driving.

Yeah, yeah, but you crashed at Eric's that night.

Yeah, but he ain't in the ball.

He drove up.

He drove up.

Yeah, we were in his car by those basketball courts.

Yeah, yeah.

That's where ano-penetration ain't a league of law.

Very funny.

Yeah.

I'm going to stick to diet.

Anyway, but

that was before we had established this dynamic.

That's true.

We were just people that happened to hang.

We were just friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But

he's dating an 18-year-old who he's known since he was 16.

She was 16.

And he was.

That's borderline.

That's weird.

And then he started.

That's not pedophilia.

That's weird.

But

he's texting the girl from Stranger Things.

Yeah, but they've been texting for a while.

Yeah, but that's fucking...

I'm going to start texting you.

The boy from Stranger Things.

Which one?

The lion?

The Toothless Boy.

Yeah.

No, that's mine, dude.

Come on.

You've been grooming him.

Yeah, it stops like, I just have advice for him.

I just care about.

I got advice.

Yeah.

I just care about this young man's image.

That girl from Stranger Things does legitimately.

I'm not defending Drake here, but she looks like an old woman.

Here we go.

She does.

So you should be able to fuck children.

I'm not defending Drake.

Is that what you're saying?

Nope, nope.

You're here first.

Fuck Adam Friedland.

You should be able to fuck every child.

No, though, that girl, Bobby Brown,

if you throw a gray wig,

little boy, go ahead and fuck his ass.

That's not what I'm saying.

Not be allowed to fuck like a 26-year-old that looks 14.

Interesting.

I'm not because

you have plenty of those women.

I preface.

It's rude.

God, man, back in the day, I'd be like, wow, this girl is so hot, and she looks 12.

She looks like a child.

No, come on.

That's not true.

Yeah, some 12-year-old that dresses exactly like you.

Some Brooklyn girl with like

a Brooklyn girl with the same haircut as He-Man.

And, like,

the U.S.

Open dad hat, and then, like, a raincoat.

That's my hat.

And always wearing a raincoat.

There's just a sound.

With very long sleeves, the raincoat.

This place fucking sucks.

Let's get out of here.

They're like, we're outside.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, life.

It sucks.

Let's get the fuck out of life.

Well, that's kind of your wave, too, dude.

What do you mean, my wave?

Just referring to life that way.

Anyway, the point I was saying was

my preface.

No, no, we're not going to make this.

We're not going to make this.

We're not going to make this into another me in the alleyway thing where you guys twist my words and make me see

the alleyway thing, there was no twisting of words.

No, you never said 100%

help out a rape.

Never said I would wear sandals.

Stop.

I never said that.

I never said that.

Dude, take the, let's check the tapes.

I wouldn't fucking help it rain

if I was raining.

Can you imagine if I said that?

Oh my gosh.

Okay, now we're back.

That was Adam saying that.

Damn, I'm so glad we got that tape.

Shut up.

I'm so glad we invested in that tape machine.

The beats the truth.

All I'm saying is

before the cassette player of truth, dude.

A lot of people want to know why the XLR cables have been fucked up for so long.

It's because we spent $20 million

on the tape.

The Gazette Player of Truth.

This man claims no matter what.

Made out of solid gold.

I never said.

Oh, god damn it.

Dude, if there's one thing I wouldn't do in sandals, it's stop a rape.

I never said that.

Everything else, I'll go do

take acid and go to Gettysburg.

Oh, my God.

That's a sandals activity.

Go to the Holocaust Museum and snicker about every one of these.

I think it's cool that Drake's raping that girl.

I never said that.

To be fair, she looks hot.

I didn't say she looks hot.

She looks like a sexy online girl.

Oh, god damn it, guys.

I'm just going to have to fucking hear this from guys with no chins.

No, man.

Go ahead.

What were you saying?

Sorry, man.

Just having a little bit of a drink.

I think that girl looks weird.

That was just the only point.

She looks kind of like an old woman.

And you should be able to fuck her.

No, I never said that.

You should be able to fuck her.

That's what you said.

I literally, you didn't even bring it up, but I literally defended that the gun guy like last week.

Yeah.

You didn't even think about that.

You're too busy thinking about yourself.

What do you mean?

You could just make this about me, and you didn't even.

Yeah, you defended the fucking 3D printed gun guy.

It doesn't matter now because I already pointed it out preemptively before you can think of it.

That's not how it works.

You still said it.

Check mate.

All right,

let's run the tape back on.

You don't have access.

No, no, no.

Let's run the tape back.

Oh, fuck, dude.

The 3D cream.

Oh, wow.

Eric was on the other one at him.

Damn it, dude.

Damn.

I was going to hop in, too, bro.

But it was your bit.

Yeah, dude.

Fucking, here's me, Eric.

I saw Eric a couple weeks ago, and I was like, what's new?

He's like, damn, I'm really into mushrooms.

Oh, like, tripping on mushrooms.

He's like, no, just like she's showed it.

Like, just going picking them.

Yeah.

Oh, that's nice.

I was going to say she showed us, but that's not her mushrooms.

She says she's peppers.

She's shiitake.

Shiitake, that's what I was saying.

Shit take mushrooms.

I thought that was so funny when I was a kid.

Yeah.

I was like, what?

For real?

Shit take, yeah.

Shit-take mushrooms?

The guy, the new quarterback.

Well, I'll say it during the Bet DSI promo, maybe.

But speaking of which, my favorite website,

beat me off guys.com.

Beat me off guys.

BeatmeOffguys.com, where you can, the premier sports betting website.

Wait, is this the real read?

Yeah.

It's Bet DSI.

We should probably say it.

Bet DSI.

You already said Bet DSI.

But you can also, and one of our fans do this for us: buy Bet Me Off Guys, beatmeoffguys.com and redirect it to Bet DSI.

Just to sell it.

You know what?

Look, if you buy that and it redirects there, then like we can just say beatmeoffguys.com and it'll, and we don't even have to say Bet DSI anymore because we're technically still

driving traffic.

I haven't talked to anyone in that company in months.

I don't even know if we have a contract.

We haven't gotten a check in a year.

But hey,

they're the premier sports betting website on the internet.

They got an easy-use mobile app.

It's called the Fun Play Win app.

I think.

Is that what it's called?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

But you go on the App Store and you download the app.

And this is really fucking great, guys.

My grandson showed me how to spend

my social security check on.

Ronaldo Fink Mullen Jr.

Yeah.

How to spend my social security check betting on jousting events at medieval times.

It's the only sport I'm into is jousting.

And my grandson, Ronaldo Fink Jr.

Yeah, that's right.

Because the first one was.

The first one was Ronaldo Fink.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's not my son, but it's my grandson, Ronaldo Fink Jr.

Which honestly, I'm kind of disappointed he wasn't named after his grandfather.

Pretty fucked up.

You know?

Pretty fucked up of your infant son.

My fucking, I'm glad he died in the dear fire.

Anyways, you can bet on.

You can bet on.

Yes, you can, folks.

I'll bettheazl.com.

You can bet on a lot of shit.

What's your fucking sports games?

You got that over there.

Child exists over there.

You can bet on the pictures.

You know, which picture is going to win the best fucking one.

Oh, yeah.

You know, what's Donald Trump going to say next?

Oh, my God.

Well, I got an idea.

I think that was literally one of the things you could bet on.

Really?

Yeah, imagine being that much of a fucking dork.

Well, how many times is Trump going to tweet?

Ooh, I can't wait to bet money on this.

That was like during the Super Bowl, right?

They said, How many times is he going to tweet during the Super Bowl?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways, they got a lot of stuff you can bet on.

They got great customer service.

24-7.

24-hour.

You know, a lot of these companies, they may only have 24-6

customer service.

Or 25.

24.

And what does 24-7 mean?

247 days out of year yes yeah yes 247 days those other whatever amount of days they're not scheduled you know that's how i say a chance so you bet on whether or not they're gonna

they're gonna be open and then you find out the hard way the very hard way yeah

beat me off

beat me off

well speaking of uh

but what are what are our picks so last week i said that the buffalo bills wouldn't win a game this year, and they were 16.5 point dogs to the Minnesota Vikings on the road.

And they beat them,

dude.

And Josh Allen.

The Church of Josh Allen.

Josh Allen won.

So that was...

Count that as the Freedland blessing.

Here's what I'm saying.

Okay,

the Ravens beat the Broncos outright, and I may have said not to take them because we were getting points.

But this time against the Steelers,

bet your whole fucking house on it, man.

The Ravens have never lost to the Steelers, and they never will.

But more importantly, I think what you were getting at, Adam, is that if you're really a Cometown fan, you will bet everything on the 49ers winning the Super Bowl this year because Jimmy Garoppolo is injured, which means

their new quarterback

is a guy named Beat Hard.

And you know who's backing him up?

A guy named Nick Mullins.

Oh, yeah, Nick Mullins.

Nick Marllowins for the 49ers.

Yeah, yeah.

So

those are our picks, guys.

So if this beat hard guy doesn't work out because of Jimmy Garoppola's ACL, we're going to get Nick Mullins in there.

I think that we're terrible at the actual predictions where people can make money, but then the fun ones, like the Catholic Church is going to fuck a bunch of kids again.

Drake's a pedophile guy.

I mean, don't bet on any of the things we say during the read.

Wait until we make predictions later and then find a way to bet on those.

That's right.

Look.

And when you're doing it, use promo code come121.

Come 120.

Come 120.

C-U-M

120.

I'm going to see if they can change that to come 41.

That'd be tight.

Yeah.

You still get 120% bonus,

which means, you know.

Yeah, we covered it last time.

Yeah, you guys.

Yeah, we already did this read last.

That's how that works.

Yeah.

I just gotta listen to the other one.

The commercial is already playing

the last time we did the show.

god damn.

I really, you know what?

I was like, they tell you you get like dumber as you get older, which is true.

I definitely am becoming dumber, too, which seems like it would be depressing, but it does make

everything so much funnier.

I love being stupid.

You don't give a shit about fuck.

Nope.

You know,

I don't.

I love it.

Yeah.

So anyway, I love that.

Anyways, pump 120

and you get 120% bonus on your deposit.

So you put in $200, you get

$4,000.

Something like that.

They're going to get mad at you for eating, Nick.

Bet dsi.com.

We're back.

All right.

And we're back.

We should do a whole episode that's just one horrible read.

We should do an hour-long, horrific read, dude.

I thought about that, actually.

Try and sell that to companies.

It's like, look, we'll do an entire podcast episode.

Yep.

And then you get it.

Make sure you get the money first because you would charge him like $50,000.

And then most of it is about how if you can put it on Drake wants to rape

a child that looks like an old woman or something.

Yeah.

Hold on.

Damn.

Anyways,

we're back.

And we're back.

And we're back.

And me and Adam went to see Paul Simon.

God, I'm so jealous.

Are you?

I didn't stay in the whole time.

Oh, never mind.

Yeah, three hours, two on board.

No, I would have brought my own little chair, dude.

Well, yeah, there was like a there was a blanket section.

It was all these like shitty-ass baby boomers like taking up way too much room.

Like two of them to like a huge blanket.

It was very annoying.

But

the show was amazing.

How about a guy that thinks baby boomer means pedophile?

Yeah.

And he hears all these people identifying as baby boomers and he's a pedophile.

So he's like, oh, we can just.

He's like, yo, baby boomer?

Trying to like high-five people.

And then he's like showing them child porn on the phone.

What the fuck are you doing?

25-year-old man.

Hey, boomers.

Going to VFW hall with just a bunch of child porn

at the Paul Simon concert.

Showing everyone child porn on his phone.

Yeah.

I thought we were all baby boomers.

Everybody was booming.

Baby booming kids' asses.

There was a lot of guys and his wife there, you know, like guys with their like wives who's recently sexually liberated 65 year old women with their just huge sagging titties like doing what do you mean recently sexually liberated like just women being like oh it's amazing out here you know you know like those kind of women just doing their like really embarrassing yeah those kind of women saying it's amazing out here

i honestly do not know what you mean i'm not trying to even make fun of you yeah i don't know but i don't know that kind of woman

just women sighing to each other

like old bitches that start fucking at 65 yeah you know that you know have new like sexual awakenings because i'm hopeful

for my mom i want that for my mother.

But, um, you know, any of those

genuinely good, unironically good time.

And then, uh, right after the show, we saw a 13-year-old boy who clearly just had a growth spurt holding hands with his mom.

And we completely just snapped out of it.

Shout out to that kid.

If you guys can figure out who that kid is based on that,

Paul Simon concert, grown apart.

You're so good at finding people.

Please find that kid.

Yeah.

Mayor Bill Dennis.

Which, by the way,

that guy Ian already heard that

made this.

Oh, Ian from Boston?

Ian from New Bedford.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Already, you're.

Nick, you were fucking shitting on me.

I don't think he's upset at all, but he said he wants to come on the show.

Yeah, we'll have him on.

Well, yeah.

I already forgot.

Yeah, we want to go up to Massachusetts in like two weeks and do an episode with Ian.

I would love to have him on the show.

To go up to Massachusetts for him?

No, I got a business up there anyways.

I got a place.

You got a business?

Yeah, yeah, I got business.

Nice.

What kind of business?

Don't worry about it.

There's plenty of shit that I know about your business.

To make money on the side.

Don't talk about it.

People don't know about.

Yeah,

what was I going to say?

And aren't we going to Japan in two weeks?

It's before that.

It's actually in three days.

That's what I meant by in two weeks.

Oh, okay.

Please suck my PNGs.

Maybe five days.

I don't know.

Who knows?

28th or something.

Yeah, we should go up there and

do one with Ian.

The only thing I was worried about is people figuring out who he was and being shit, but it doesn't seem like people are doing that.

Nice.

Yeah.

Well, let's make sure.

Yeah.

Wait, did people figure out who he was, or did he just randomly heard it?

Immediately, people figured out.

Just from his first name?

Yeah.

Who the fuck are these people?

I don't know.

That is crazy.

Oh, damn, are they going to cyberbully Mr.

Aziz?

Ubly.

Damn.

You say I am a faggot.

It says Mr.

Aziz is faggot.

And I had to be like, I had to not laugh in his face.

De Blasio introduced Paul Simon and got booed.

Really?

People were like, fix the fucking trains.

Shouts out to young de Blasio.

Shouts out to Dante de Blasio.

De Blasmy Hole.

De Blasmy Hole.

Yeah.

What's his first name?

Bill?

Reginald.

Giovanni.

Giovanni.

Giovanni de Blasio.

Giovanni de Blasio would be a great fucking mayor's name, dude.

Well, de Blasio is a fake name.

It is?

Yeah, his real name is like William

Wilhelm or something.

He has something like fucking fish.

It's German.

Yeah, he's got a German name.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Damn.

De Blasio is like a completely fake name he came up with.

Well, it was like his stepdad or something, wasn't it?

He didn't have a stepdad.

Nah, he just was reading the name of his face.

His wife just began.

That's not actually his wife.

Yeah.

That's not actually his.

He's in witness protection.

Yeah, yeah.

He's just posing as the mayor.

I'm going to change my name to Giovanni de Blasio, dude.

Dude, people are still engaging in, like, Julia Salazar,

like, uh, a apologia, which I don't think.

Dude, she's definitely mentally ill.

She already won.

Yeah, I know.

So she might stop apologizing for her.

She's like a liar.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

To decide.

Like, I can understand not wanting to not wanting to say anything prior to the election, thinking it might have some fucking impact.

Yeah.

Like, she clearly just misrepresented like a bunch of shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't give a fuck.

I just, I want liars on my side, too.

Well, that's the point.

I would have voted for her still.

Like, because her platform I agreed with more than the guy that like took all the money

was the biggest recipient of real estate lobby funds in like the state senate or whatever.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, I would have voted for like the crazy girl liar.

Yeah.

Of course.

Yeah, I would like some terrible Democrats who want to do that.

She wasn't lying about anything like substantive.

It was all like just weird identity shit.

But was like,

I'm from Columbia.

She probably

smashed Keith Hernandez, which is cool as shit.

That's cool.

Keith Hernandez.

That's legend.

Yeah.

And he probably fucks good.

Do you ever listen?

No, if you take that, like.

He's got a cat named Tito.

No, it wasn't that she had sexy.

If you take the least sexuality,

the least

favorable reading of the situation as far as she's concerned, then what she did was pretend to be his wife to steal money from her bank account.

That's the banker tendency.

That's some insta-thought shit.

But she then counter-sued the wife, and then they settled.

But the wife was also dying of cancer.

It's a mess.

I don't know what the

that's not good optics, brother.

It's not a good look.

How about boptics?

Ooh, and it's what you looking down and getting your dick slides.

I love boptics.

I love good boptics.

It's glasses, but on the inside, it's just on the bottom.

It always seems like I'm getting my dick shut.

The inside of my glasses.

That would be incredible, dude.

Everybody I remember.

Call up your local lens crafters.

Ask them if they're all.

If they're a Boptic, when they say, what's Boptics?

Describe it to them.

Yeah, it's a kind of glasses.

Oh, my God.

Looks like you're in your dick.

That is the stupidest shit.

Dude, that rules.

I want Boptics.

I want to always be looking at him like, it's like bifocal.

Fuck you.

It's not stupid, dude.

I'm just saying.

Dude, that's the most brilliant shit I've ever heard in my life.

I would be one of the shark tank guys.

How does it go on shark tank?

No, I would be one of the funnies.

You would pass.

Yeah.

Pitching it.

No, yeah.

I would, yeah, I would be one of the sharks.

You'd be a missing.

I'd be Lunchman made $18 billion on Bopdicks.

The Bob Dick's Empire.

Can we scam our way on the shark tank, dude?

Yeah.

Do some stuff.

To do a pitch?

Yeah.

To pitch Bob Dick?

Of course, dude.

You can pitch the

Blinkin's Hog.

Yeah, we got a lot of ideas, dude.

Blinkin' Hog.

Blinkin' Hog.

Bopdicks.

Arcumin Dallas Mavericks, how are you doing?

I've got an idea for you.

I'll be like, yo, this is funny, man.

Mr.

Wonderful is also my penis's name.

And then we're in with him already.

That's his name, right?

Mr.

Wonderful?

Mr.

Penis?

Mr.

Wonderful?

Isn't that that looks like Fat Mr.

Yeah, the Canadian guy, the bald guy?

He's gay, right?

He's gay.

No, my name is also.

My penis's name is Mr.

Wonderful.

Mr.

Wonderful, Kevin, whatever.

Wait, Mr.

Clean?

No, he looks like.

Oh, the guy from Shark Tank.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Kevin O'Leary.

Kevin O'Leary, the one that looks Jewish but isn't.

He's O'Leary.

He's Irish.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What I was going to say is, I will endear myself to him by being like, this is crazy.

My penis.

Wait, stop.

Did you say he's gay?

Did you?

He seems gay.

Did you allege he's gay?

I did.

I think that should just be our stance as the show.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

I'm saying I think he is because he acts gay.

He's like bitchy.

He's bitchy.

How about you?

Go Shark Tank.

Your business is never going to work.

Your business is cancelled.

You go on Shark Tank.

Good idea, sis.

You go on Shark Tank and your business idea is a Gator and you just point it at it.

And it's like,

he's like, what the fuck?

And then, like, you know, Mark Cuban will be like, I don't know if I want to buy this.

And you pointed him.

He's like, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Maybe I do, maybe I do.

They did that on the

Sasha Baron Cohen with pedophiles with Royal.

That was so fucking good.

What did they do?

They had a pedophile.

It was like a beautiful

star.

And then

he was like, I'm sorry, this must be malfunctioning.

Yeah, every time Roy Moore would just be part of shit, and he's like, oh, you're wearing somebody else's jacket?

Or

he's like, have you had your jacket all day?

You've been wearing it.

It was really funny.

That's funny.

Hmm.

Suck my fucking penis.

Damn, is that an airport from the above?

Yeah.

That's fucking crazy.

Looks cool.

Yeah.

Fuck the Detroit airport, by the way.

Aerial photography.

Detroit Airport, I thought, is kind of nice.

I was there.

It must have been crazy to be like a bombadier in like World War II.

I mean, even now, it's fucked up because you with like the Apache shit where you just kill people in infrared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But to like drop bombs on a city.

Yeah.

You're like, damn.

This sucks.

My bad.

Just killing so many people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

Paul Tibbetts.

As long as they were crowded.

What's that guy's name, right?

Yeah.

That sounds like

What's that guy's name?

Paul Tibbetts?

No, but I didn't know his name.

I'm sorry.

It's a terrible tick of Paul Tibbetts.

Paul Tibbett is the guy that flew the Enola Gay who dropped.

Pause.

Dropped the bomb and never apologized for it.

Is like glad to this day that he did it.

Used to do reenactments of him

himself.

Like, yeah, fly the plane and wave to people, and he's like, and that's how I killed the Japs.

Yeah, he loved that shit.

That's awesome, dude.

You know what?

Respect to him.

No way.

Respect to him.

Respect to the Japanese culture.

Yeah.

Oh, that's true.

You know what?

No respect to him.

No respect to him.

I changed my name.

I idea.

Fuck Paul Tibbets.

We're pro-Jap.

Suck this.

Suck my tidbits, Paul Tibbets.

That's what I say.

And we're pro-Jap.

The Japon moi.

The Japonet?

It's Nipponese in French.

That's what they call it.

Really?

Nippon?

Yeah.

That's what it's called in

the Nibu is called Japan.

Really?

Yeah, they call it...

I thought it was Nippon.

Oh, fuck.

What's wrong, dude?

This thing came unplugged.

It's fine.

Is it still recording?

It's still going, but it means to stay plugged in.

Dude, you're being rough, dude.

Well, I mean, I'm trying to make sure this shit doesn't fucking turn off while we're doing the show.

That's true.

But

a warning.

Anyways, MacWeldon.com.

You've heard about them.

You've worn them.

If you haven't worn them, take off the underwear you're wearing right now, throw them out, and go to MacWeldon.com.

One of the greatest underwear companies in the entire world.

Oh, yeah.

They searched far and wide to the dark jungles of Africa.

The heart of darkness.

The dark country of Africa.

The dark continent.

The dark jungles of Brazil.

All of the dark every dark

place in the world they've gone to to source the most premium ass fabrics.

Dark.

And other places.

And also other places.

Some of the most junglest ass places you've ever been.

to find the most smart designs and premium fabrics in simple shopping.

Their website comes straight from the Papua New Guinean tribe of the the doo-doo picu people.

None of them stand over five feet tall.

They're a warrior clan that believes a a man's a child's penis must be ripped off by a toucan before you can progress into mid adulthood.

Yeah.

Whoa.

And that's uh they went even to those guys.

So these guys, they live in constant pain because their dick has been ripped off by a bird, a colorful bird without medicine.

So they know the the importance of good underwear.

Oh, absolutely.

And they can't procreate, so they have to continuously steal people from other tribes to join their tribe.

None of these people have families.

Otherwise, they've all been kidnapped.

They've been kidnapped

by Irish nuns.

And you know why they stick around?

How good that fucking underwear feels on that nubby?

That ripped off nub cockless.

If you're a cockless, MacWaldon underwear is a matter of time.

Irish orphan life, living in a jungle, knowing your dick's about to get ripped off by.

Angela's ashes.

And the only thing you have to look forward to is MacWald and Underwear.

That is the only reason you don't put a bamboo, a sharpened stick of bamboo in your mouth and then jump face first off a short branch.

The only way to quote-unquote blow your brains out in the dark jungles of the Papua New Guinea.

And I know you're thinking, those guys fucked up toucan bitten dicks might smell bad.

Yeah.

But guess what?

Mac welding underwear is naturally antimicrobial.

What's that mean?

Oh, it means they got them special fabrics that suck off all the odor and make you smell good and you're fresh as hell.

You won't smell like that dark-ass jungle anymore, that's for sure.

And that's their silver line of shirts and underwear.

That's right.

But they got a lot of stuff: crew necks,

tank tops, tank tops, socks, socks, underwear of the feet,

as they're known.

Yep.

To be called.

I think they have a duffel bag.

That's good shit.

They did at one point.

Yep.

Anyways, go to MacWaldon.com and use promo code COMTON.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N to receive either 20 or 25% off your order.

Mm-hmm.

We'll cover that.

I mean, that email is so far buried in there, and we've been doing the same read for a year and a half.

So I don't know.

It's either 20%.

Look, we'll say, to be safe, we'll say 20%.

But the underwear is great.

So go ahead and.

And there it is.

If you don't fucking like it, complain.

You complain.

Call them up and say, hey,

I thought the toucan came with the underwear.

I'm trying to get my shit ripped off.

They'll refund you.

No questions asked.

You can keep the underwear.

They might ask, I don't know.

They might ask what your name is.

Yeah.

Yeah, what your

credit card information was.

Yeah.

You bought the underwear with.

I can't even smell that because I'm wearing antimicrobial.

And we're back.

Yes.

They have a guarantee that your farts will be odorless.

I would love to work in one of those places where it's like, if you don't receive a smile, your meal is free.

And then the person behind the counter is like some minimum wage employee and then get hired and make a point of not smiling.

Just put them out of business day one.

Yeah.

They're like, fuck you.

On the register.

I always think it's very demeaning.

Nah, this ain't your father's Boston market, motherfucker.

Fuck you.

I always think it's pretty demeaning how they make people like conservatists sing for people.

What, a Coldstone Creamery?

Yeah, and like Applebee's or whatever.

They don't sing for you at Applebee's.

Yeah, Happy Birthday.

Oh, shit.

It's like my little people.

I forgot about the birthday shit.

But they can't sing Happy Birthday because it's licensed by two old people.

Yeah, they got it.

I would love some fucking mom to come up to somebody at a restaurant and be like,

it's my son's birthday.

Isn't it where you'd be like, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, congrats.

Yeah.

Who gives a shit?

Can I have the tips?

Yeah, tip me now.

I'm about to leave.

I don't feel like finishing your food.

I'm just going to bring my tip.

I'm going home.

Your shit's probably going to be like around 60 bucks, so I don't know.

Give me like 10 minutes, 15 cash.

Did you get off the tip now?

Hi, I'll be your waiter.

And if you could tip me right now, I might really appreciate this guy.

I'm trying to get out of here.

Dude, the only thing I'm waiting on is your tip.

So I'm going to bring your shit.

Did you do like a tip up front thing here at Outback?

I'm going to bring it up because it's upside downville because it's like Australia where everything's the opposite.

So you got to tip me up front.

I can't wait for everything to be the opposite in Australia on our tour.

Listen, bitch, I'm what I like to refer to as an entrepreneurian.

Okay.

So I'm trying to see tips.

Cash on the fucking barrel.

You want that food hot?

Out 20 bucks at least.

Up top, bitch.

Right up front.

I need to know how to treat you.

For whatever reason, I'm wearing a thong.

They can put the

yeah, you're whale tailing.

Yeah, yeah.

Put it right in there in that crack.

Yeah, I'm a good waiter.

Did you see your ass a little bit?

Oh, fuck.

That would be nice, man.

Yeah.

I would love that kind of dining experience.

It's like Dick's Last Resort, but it's like, what if a restaurant's theme is like irony?

We should do an irony restaurant pop-up.

That'd be cool.

Here come your french fries.

Psych, bitch.

Psych.

And they're like, okay, but when are the french fries coming?

Like, just now.

Psych.

And then you bring the french fries at the end of the meal.

They're like, I don't get it.

They're like, I don't either.

Nobody really gets irony.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You want a hot meal?

It's cold.

Yeah.

Bitch.

Psych.

Excuse me, you spelled the N-word with my french fries.

Psych.

Just saying the N-word and then psych.

It's a regular restaurant.

Pretty good food.

This is a way for you to be racist.

No, it's

just serve good chicken parms.

Is it macaroni grill?

Give it a Carrabas.

Say the N-word.

Say psych?

I just work at macaroni grill.

You're like, yes, I'm doing a little irony restaurant pop-up.

I got a job at Carrampa's.

I say the N-word while I'm on the clock.

It's a pilot program.

Hold on.

It's a thief.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Yeah, that would be great.

Oh, baby, I like K6.

Oh, baby, I like A6.

Does Joe's Crab Chack suck?

I used to.

When it opened first in my town when I was like 10, I used to think it was really nice and good.

What is it?

Just like a competitor to Red Lobster?

It's like more sit-down and more fun.

Yeah, and they got a bunch of like hippie bullshit in there.

Yeah, yeah.

They wear like tie-dye shirts.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And I think that was the first place I ever had popcorn shrimp.

I don't trust tie-dye.

You don't trust tie-dye in general?

No, in general.

Why?

because it is it is like a boomer thing

no no but it's back tie-dye's back in a in a big way

yeah kanye is into it now maybe i shouldn't trust you you shouldn't i don't you know what dude i hate to say this but i like tie-dye also i like tie-dye

sorry man i think uh like a a cool like uh Grateful Dead tea, you know, too many colors, man.

Too many colors?

If I go one, maybe two colors, max.

Do you ever like the dead?

What about the

American flag?

One time I was doing more than two colors.

I was doing mushrooms with.

What about the American flag?

That's more than two colors.

Yeah, I don't like the American flag.

Whoa, what?

You're not a patriot, bro?

No.

I think the American flag is

the most beautiful sight of all time.

I think the anthem sucks, but I think the flag sucks.

One time I was doing mushrooms with Jamel, and he was telling me he was like,

in third grade, there was a kid in his class who was just like a fucking dead head.

He was just like, wear Grateful Dead shit every single day, like, go on tour with his parents.

But it was like, you know, he'd do devil sticks and shit.

But for some reason, because I was tripping, I thought that was like the funniest thing I'd ever had.

It's really funny to be a little-ass kid that loves the Grateful Dead.

But that just means your parents are fucking losers that force you to like everything they like.

Yeah, they like fuck in front of you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your mom's pussy smells extra bad.

Oh, yeah.

As opposed to all of our moms.

Well, my mom's pussy smells great, dude.

Yeah, his mom's pussy smells pretty good.

His mom's pussy does smell good.

See, Thank you.

Venetian guys.

I'm paying her a compliment.

Don't say your name when you talk about a pussy, man.

You've said it.

Oh, Adam, I fucked your dad.

Yeah, Adam, I fucked your dad.

This episode's also brought to you by Barbara's Puffins peanut butter cereal.

Yeah, we said that earlier.

Since I'm eating on the mic the whole fucking time.

Yeah, they're going to like it.

I should at least

explain to you how good this cereal is.

It is really good.

It is really good.

I got mad as shit.

I cannot stop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I went to a health food store once thinking that I'd have puffins because you can't really get them everywhere else.

And they did not have the peanut butter ones.

And I fucking threw a fit.

Peanut butter, I feel like, is their, like, that's their marquee brand.

Yeah, it's the rarest one.

It's not rare.

I feel like

it definitely is.

No, I feel like peanut butter is their flag.

It's Arizard, dude.

No, it's true.

No, I feel like it's like their,

you know, whatever.

It's not.

It's their Ford focus.

They have a regular puffins.

They're flipping the most.

Yarizard.

And you spell it out.

Is that okay?

Yeah, yeah.

That's probably not okay.

No,

you can't.

But you don't really say you don't say it.

Because

it wouldn't work with the words you spelled out.

So I think maybe it is better.

It's better, but it's not good.

If you were to spell it, it would be E-N-A-Y-E.

G-I-G-I

no, we don't have to do the math on this one.

I don't even think R-G-I

because it's not the N-word is ARD.

The N-word is Ard.

It sounds funny, though.

But yes, I see where you're getting at.

And what I think is it's better than saying the N-word, but not good.

Yes.

That's where I'll land on it.

I think it's good.

I think it's good to say these things.

Oh, Adam, I love gay sex.

Do you guys like my raspy, sexy voice?

Do I sound like Scarlet Joe?

This is just off the plane.

You don't smoke.

This is just from like, what, eating chocolates?

I smoked a lot of weed.

I spoke, okay.

I smoked a bunch of spliffs that were sort of tobacco-in

and weed.

But also just from being sick, I think.

That's the thing I miss most about drinking: you wake up in the morning and you just sound like Nick Nalty every day.

Yeah, dude, I was getting fucked up.

God damn it.

I don't fucking.

I ain't got time for this.

Not spelling the N-word out.

Hell, just let me do the show the way I fucking want.

Young Nolti.

Why do people confuse him and Busey?

Because they both had iconic.

I think it's because reality is a giant simulation and there's certain like Nolty looks like the

programme.

Yeah, but it was like what we were talking about with Basic Instinct and

how people confuse Helen Keller and Anne Frank.

They're completely unrelated, but there's a lot of people who are not.

There's some weird shit in your brain that does that shit.

That's just like connected.

I don't think that's what's going on with Nolty and Busey.

I think Busey looks like fucking Rick.

Nick Nolte.

No, they look nothing alike.

They don't look that similar.

But they both had very iconic mug shots where they both looked like.

I think Busey looks like fucked up Nolte.

That's what I say.

Busey's got like a big-ass mouth.

Nolte used to be sexy as shit, too, didn't he?

Nick Nolte?

He used to be a stud.

Yeah, and like Prince of Tides.

Yeah.

You know what I was thinking about the other day?

It's like, you know, because everybody has unique fingerprints, but everyone probably also has unique asshole creases.

So true.

And, like, what if in the 1800s that guy who came up with fingerprints was like, gentlemen, I present to you a new method of identifying criminals.

We use the silver nitrate photograph to take a picture of every man's anus,

smear ink, or just use their own fecal matter to press onto

a transition plate, and then we'll create a database of all the assholes.

You know, we could have lived in that.

What if, brother?

What if?

That's what that shows.

They're like, okay, but what's your idea for Shark Tank?

Imagine if that guy did that.

That's my idea.

That's a fucking funny thing.

But how is that a business?

It's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you want to invest or not, motherfucker?

I thought I just said an idea, and then you'd give me money for it.

Offers off the table.

You take it off the table.

Offers off the table.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I think we're going to go.

You're out.

You're out.

I'm not taking it from you.

Anybody, the other three, anybody else want to get fucking

want to run their fucking mouth?

Oh, yeah.

I should have mentioned before, this isn't an idea for gay guys.

Sorry, Mr.

Wonderful.

You're out, bitch.

If you're not a gay guy, maybe you'll wonder if that's

it.

That little guy, Kevin, or whatever the fuck's like, I'm not gay.

Who, Kevin Hart?

No, no.

Isn't there a guy named Kevin?

No, I don't think so.

Who's that little elf-looking guy?

Who are you talking about?

On Shark Tank.

On Shark Tank.

It was Kevin O'Leary, Mr.

Wonderful.

No, okay.

Who's the other guy's name?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's like some Eastern European type of.

Is he?

He's in the, he's always, they're always like, he made millions in the technology industry.

It's always very like

Mark Tank, and it's just Mark Wahlberg.

And you bring him the idea, and he's like, that's great.

And then he just takes your idea and turns it into a business.

That is probably what he does.

He just steals your business.

That's good.

Yeah, you're watching Mark Tank, a show where people come on, and then I take their ideas, and me and Donnie turn it into a business.

That's where Wahlbergers started.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

It was originally Jamal Burgers.

Yeah.

A guy named Jamal was like,

I got a ton.

The Taj Mahal Burgers.

The Taj Mahal Burgers, also.

The Taj Mahal.

And it's

Mark Wahlberg-themed casino.

Mark Wahlberg.

Taj Mahal-themed casino.

It's Mark Wahlberg.

Picture him with like fucking.

Him stopping 9-11.

Yeah.

Take that.

You fucking sultans.

Let's picture him with a...

What's the shit?

A turban.

You got it.

Thanks, man.

I was going to say scarf wrapped around his head when I was really sure.

I'll be honest, man.

Turbans, especially the ones with the jewel and the feathers, it seems like a good idea.

They look cool.

I would love to wear it.

I'm mad we didn't come up with that.

Yeah.

Are people still dressing that way, Sultan style?

Yeah.

That's not like...

That's not out of...

They're still doing that?

For the summer?

That's easy to do.

Sinbad pants?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

It's flowing.

It's flowing.

Yeah.

Yeah, that would be a good shit.

I would look like a great.

First of all, I would look like a great Sultan.

They have

shirts that look like regular button-up shirts, but they just go to the knees.

Yeah.

And then Sinbad pants and then the feather jewel thing.

That is a good look.

Well, especially the long shirt.

Indian guys wear that.

And so you can get fat as shit and not have to tuck your shirt in it.

I love that.

It's a good idea.

I'm going to go in on that.

Yeah, like, stop, you should get that.

My wife says to me,

why haven't you talked to a shirt in?

It is.

Because it is too long.

She gets mad at me, but I have come up with a better way to

shirt is just longer.

Have you been giving any thought to your look in Tokyo?

No.

No?

Probably the usual come on pants.

I'm going to all black patent leather for me.

Yeah, same jeans.

Yeah, we got to.

I mean, like, it's like kind of the

fashion.

Not brushing my teeth the entire time.

That's probably a look I'll go for.

I don't know.

I think that we got to look.

I love that.

When I go to a hotel, I'm like, can I get a toothbrush?

You're like, we actually don't have any.

I'm like, oh, damn.

Shucks.

Yeah, I guess I just won't brush my teeth for three days.

Jokes on me, I guess.

I honestly brush my teeth more regularly on the road.

Yeah, because you get those free brand, a brand new toothbrush.

Every clean.

Yeah.

And you know that.

It's like sliding a brand new condom on your dick.

You know what I mean?

Nothing feels as good as that.

You reuse condoms?

Of course.

Of course, man.

Were you wasting latex?

It's green.

Yeah.

Everyone's talking about all these straws.

That's the thing, man.

I prefer to find the condoms that are on the sidewalk because it's like, you know, those ones work.

Exactly.

Somebody use it.

You know, that's a good one.

With a new one, it's like this thing could break.

Who knows?

Absolutely.

Well, everyone's talking about how straws are bad for sea turtles, but cond latex is even worse.

Yeah.

Is that why people are mad at straws?

Because they hurt turtles?

I think so.

Man, fuck turtles, dude.

I did drink out of a paper straw, and I gotta say, that shit sucked my head.

They suck, dude.

It's horrible.

Yeah.

Why the fuck?

Who gives a shit about it?

They disintegrate by the end of the drink.

What happens?

It gets stuck in their nose or something?

No, I think it's just like

straws are used once and then thrown out and then they go straight to landfills.

They just go in your fucking house, bitch.

Yeah, so true.

So they have a shell.

Yeah.

If your shell can't protect you from straws, you deserve to die.

You evolved wrong.

I'm seriously.

That's the whole point of this show.

I don't think it's turtles.

Is it turtles?

I don't fucking know, man.

They were saying that...

Wasn't it the

six-pack?

Like the plastic rings for six-packs, you have to cut them because...

Yeah, it would get stuck on a dolphin's dolphin's nose.

Dolphins, yeah.

Fucking super cool.

And it's like they're supposed to be as smart as we are, right?

Yeah, they'd suck each other's cocks.

You'd think they'd know.

They have gay sexuality.

You'd think they would know how to avoid.

Oh, you know, maybe that's probably what it is.

They keep trying to fuck those things.

Yeah,

their little cocks.

They get stuck on their cocks.

Then when you suck another dolphin's dick, your nose gets stuck while sucking its dick.

Interesting.

Okay, that makes sense then.

They fuck each other's blowholes, dude.

They're horny ass animals.

Does that feel interesting?

Getting your blowhole fucked?

They do it for pleasure.

Only the dolphin fucking feels good, though, right?

The dolphin getting fucked.

It's blowhole doesn't have.

Well, I think it's about

kind of submitting power to the other dolphins.

So animals are going to be in the ESM?

Yeah, I think it feels good to be a bottom.

I think you can bottom from the top.

I just keep talking about that, and I think that's more just kind of like bottoming from the top.

It's kind of like your thing, man.

Yeah, of course, dude.

But I learned it from the dolphins.

I'm so mad about these turtles.

Why are you mad about these turtles?

Because

I thought there was a better reason for we can't have straws anymore than fucking turtles are hurt.

I don't think it's just no, I think that it's, I think that it's that you use a straw once, and then it just goes into a landfill and doesn't disintegrate for thousands of years or whatever.

So, there's a lot of styrofoam.

So, there's a lot of shit.

Yeah, they tried to cut, they're trying to cut out styrofoam.

Landfills aren't a fucking problem.

You know how many places should be landfills?

Philly.

Yeah, there's one.

What?

Take that.

Take that

comedy theater.

Israel.

Let's turn Israel.

That's two.

All right, we got to go to the show, guys.

Oh, do we?

Yeah.

What time is it?

We got to go to Funny Moms.

What time is it?

It's like 7-something.

Oh, shit.

I forgot.

I got to pick up laundry.

You guys

do it tomorrow.

Do you have time?

It's 7.15.

We got to go.

The show's at 9 o'clock.

It's at 8, dude.

We do it at the same time every week.

It's been at 8 for like six months.

How the fuck do you not know what time our show is?

So, all right, everyone, come to Funny Moms on the 8th october 8th it's our last one until november until yeah i will also be at the stress factory on the 3rd for bonnie mcfarland show she started a show there uh so come out to that in new brunswick in new brunswick i forgot how far it was when i agreed but bonnie is far so i'm doing it anyway and she also it's not that far dude how far is it it's like midway between here and philly it's like two hours isn't it Is it less than that?

No, it's less than that.

I'll take the train and say that.

The Stress Factory?

Yeah.

No, it's less.

Maybe an hour and something.

I mean, I've been there.

I could just tell you.

Please tell me.

No, Adam wants to tell.

Adam wants to discuss where he thinks it is.

Rutgers University.

If I drive, how long will it take me?

Just take the train, dude.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just take New Jersey Transit out there.

Okay, maybe I will.

And then the train lets you off like really close to the comedy club.

Okay, sweet.

And then if you are in Australia, please come see us in Sydney on the 23rd, Melbourne on the 26th, Brisbane on the 28th.

And then

we have some southern dates, but we don't know when they are.

Yeah, sorry, we forgot to look at them.

Nashville, I think, is November 11th.

11th, really?

I think.

That's pretty soon after Japan.

Yeah, we get back on the road immediately after.

We have a week off.

So, anyway,

yeah, fuck you.

Suck my fucking dick, you piece of shit.

Bye.

Bye.

Today on Hey Culligan, sustainability and better water.

Here, Sam.

Hey, Culligan, I'm really into sustainability.

My clothes, my utensils, my food.

But how do I get more sustainability from my water?

Super question, Sam, and the answer is an always-on drinking water system from Culligan, which helps eliminate the equivalent of 15 billion single-use plastic bottles a year.

Whoa, that's a ton of sustainability.

416,000 tons, Sam, and we're already on the way.

Let us help you out with a free in-home water test with the local Culligan water expert at Culligan.com.

At Fuamal Bonds Dickinson, we're thrilled to announce our combination with Louis Roca, uniting two firms to bring you a world of opportunity.

Spanning 37 offices and with over 1,300 top attorneys across the US and UK, we are equipped to handle your full range of legal needs here at home and across the globe.

From safeguarding innovations to resolving disputes, we deliver powerful solutions with the trusted, personal touch you deserve.

Wherever you're heading, we're better together.

Visit WumbleBombBickinson.com today.