Ep. 121 – Stone Cold

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Your ring, your way.

And we're having sex.

Welcome to Come Town

with special guests, Gregory.

Today's episode is brought to you by Crackling Oak Brand.

Oh, really?

My favorite cereal.

You really like that shit?

I love that shit.

It was my first favorite cereal.

Is that the little first cereal I was even aware of?

When you could, that you could have a favorite.

And mine was Crackling Oat Brand, and it continues to this day.

Wait, is that not grape nuts, is it?

Like the little...

Okay.

Grape nuts is a completely different thing?

It's a different brand.

It's not the word that I said.

I know, but I thought, no, hold on, hold on, let me explain myself.

I thought maybe crackling oat brand.

It's just not frosted plate.

You're talking oatmeal?

What I thought it was was maybe a generic version of grape nuts.

No, no, it's crackling oat brand.

It's its own thing.

Brand, not brand.

Is this like raisin brand without the raisins?

No.

No, no, no.

Describe it.

It's like circles.

Okay.

It's been

bran.

Sort of squared circles, but then it's, yeah, it's oat bran compressed into like circular shapes.

Isn't that what sweet?

Isn't it kind of like grape nuts?

No, no, no, no.

It's like raisin.

Like a bunch of grape nuts.

Well, it's like raisin bran if you crushed up the flakes and turned them into circles and then added some like honey or something.

Okay, all right.

When my mom went on this health kick,

she stopped letting us have real cereal.

And by health kick, we just never were allowed to have real cereal.

But she would buy plain bran and then allow us to put a little bit of money on it.

We'll see that

Adam's

Jewish Depression era upbringing on the Lower East Side, where they all would eat cereal out of a food.

We lived in one tenement apartment.

Back when the Jews were tough.

Dude, they love writing stories about that.

Adam learning how to beat off the women trying to go to school.

Yeah, they were about

just women on the bus trying to go to school and the trials and tribulations of beating off to them.

You only got a quick glimpse, dude.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And the beat off to them real quick on the bus before he goes to his job working for some Italian man that keeps calling him kike boy.

It's true.

You ain't never going to afford the real serial kite boy.

There were about six months where Jews were tough.

Yeah, they were like boxing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we've been coasting off that reputation for about 100 years since I know.

know you Jewish slightly, yeah.

Yeah, I feel like everybody was tough too, but you too.

No, Italian.

Stone just got that wild.

There are plenty of stone's.

It's like American men are so far removed from like the men that made American men have like the identity of the rugged shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm such a bitch.

Right.

Dude, I get sick every time I eat

any delicious foods.

I've legitimately been staying up terrified about this Australia trip looking at pictures of spiders on my phone.

I'm like, the trip is going to be fine.

We probably won't see any spiders.

What did we do?

And I'm like, I don't think I can leave America.

Safe confines of American soil.

Nah, dude, I need like days to recover from eating too many po-boys.

Like, I got sick again.

Like, yesterday I was feeling kind of bad, and I still feel kind of, don't feel great.

I'm going to go home and just fucking

just nap for 16 minutes into earnest because you don't take your you don't take your pills that's true I you're telling me have you guys ever finished antibiotics have you ever in your life finished a course of antibiotics never finished them no I do like uh three days in earnest nice and then I'm done yeah then I'm like I want to drink or something you know and they fuck you up like we're making super bacteria dude by not finishing that shit yeah that's why that's why I never treated anything nice

I take them all one day yeah that's smart.

Whole thing, right?

Pound them.

I really killed Bergas.

Yeah, fuck you.

Damn, that would have hurt.

Have you ever finished an antibiotic, a course of antibiotics?

Yeah, yeah.

You do?

You're supposed to.

I know, but I never do.

Why not?

Because I forget.

I mean, I can't.

I've been only prescribed antibiotics maybe twice ever in my life.

What?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

I just...

You never got sick as a kid?

I used to get strep throat like every four months.

No, you never got strep throat.

I would get chronic

sinus infections, but I just wouldn't do anything about it.

Damn.

I've been on antibiotics.

I wasn't really a medicine head, you know?

It's kind of like you just get sick and then you don't go to the doctor and you wait until it goes away.

Yeah, yeah.

That's usually what I do.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It was interfering with my life.

You know what I'm saying?

I finished all the medicine when I got shingles at one time.

Shingles?

Yeah.

80-year-olds get shot.

Back on the Lower East side when he was growing.

That Italian man.

Yeah, it was kind of a shingle.

It's like the meat hook factory.

It was a shingle.

Look, we do it.

Look, we do one thing here, Jew boy.

We make meat hooks.

We don't get diseases.

What's come from the lesser races?

They let you fucking freeze it out.

They put you in the fucking knocker.

Adam's 1930s Jewish-American story that in the second act, him and his friends scare a food cart guy, and the food cart falls down the stairs and crushes him.

And Adam ends up in a reform school being sodomized and mouthfucked by Kevin Bacon.

What does that mean?

Sleepers?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was fucked up, man.

It's about you.

That is not a chill movie, bro.

Kevin Bacon is really raping those children a lot.

Yeah.

It is cool when they kill him.

Adam's life story, The Adventures of Faggy Marsh.

And then Faggit Goes West is the second one, of course.

I love talking about Fabulous Goes West.

We mentioned Fival Goes West maybe, I don't know, on 20% of the episodes.

That was my guy, dude.

Because I thought he was Jewish.

Fuckful.

Yeah, and I thought, I've said this before, but I thought Aladdin was Jewish.

That's crazy.

Well, he was wearing the little

guy's breasts.

Yeah, yeah.

Guyville Grossbreasts.

Guy Volga's Breasts.

Do you think Aladdin was Jewish because he was stealing from a hard work?

Oh, by the way, Greg Stone is the guest on today's episode.

Sav said that in my life.

Sav said that we've been on the bottom of the game.

But he kind of said Gaig.

Gregory.

Yeah, we never...

Do you guys plan things to talk about on your thing?

We don't even have enough chairs

for our podcast.

That's why I like, I feel very comfortable here.

That's the thing, man.

Real comics, Rift City, baby.

Yeah.

You don't think about shit.

You sit around with your boys.

You talk about Adam's Jewish upbringing.

Yeah, in Alphabet City.

His family came over from Latvia.

Yeah.

Just, I want my son to be a coward.

I want him to grow up to be a coward Tattletale.

Don't disappoint me, Adam.

That is so fucking funny.

You went from just like

dodging the Soviets, like having to know how to use guns and shit.

Right, coming here,

opening a glove factory.

Now you're a podcast coward.

Yeah, dodging the pogroms.

Yeah.

We had this Holocaust survivor come into school once and talk to us when we were like fourth grade.

And she was like, yeah, so the Nazis come and my mom gives me diamonds.

She says, These are the family diamonds.

So, I ate the diamonds, and then when I get to Auschwitz, I take a shit and then I go through my shit and I find the diamonds and I eat them again.

We're like, in we're like nine years old.

We're like, yo, that's fucking gross.

You wait, she with diamonds?

What she did was just that bitch the whole time she was in Auschwitz.

She would eat

eating, she was finding the diamonds

out of her own shit in her food, which honestly sounds like the Nazis are just like,

let's just show people this.

Were we wrong?

Were we fucking wrong?

Yeah, they were like, they brought her to our school to teach us about

it.

She's like, hold on.

She shit diamonds into her own hands.

She just kept eating that.

Once you get the taste for shit, you can't eat it.

It's like bears in human blood.

Once Jews pay pay shit diamonds, they can't stop

paying enough shit diamonds for all of us to eat.

And she's just got shit smeared all over her face.

We got in trouble.

Like, the teacher got like, we got yelled at for laughing at this Holocaust survivor land.

But we're like, you know, we're nine, dude.

We can't handle that shit.

Yeah.

It's hilarious.

Just don't tell us about the Holocaust.

We're not old enough to know about it.

You know what I want to go back and watch the seventh heaven episode where the son or the daughter discovers that there's a Holocaust survivor living like next door.

Oh, I don't remember that.

The tattoos.

She's got an Auschwitz tattoo.

I bet that one's pretty funny.

Yeah.

The pedophile daddy.

That whole show is so funny.

Oh, yeah.

I should go back and watch it.

There was a video project I wanted to do with that show.

Oh, yes, yeah.

I need to re-watch the show.

Any excuse to re-watch all of Seventh Heaven?

The episode of Seventh Heaven.

Jessica Beale, right?

Yeah.

Got kicked off the show for being too hot.

Having big-ass titties.

God damn it.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

She was on Seven Heaven?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know that?

She got her skinny shit.

She was the daughter.

And then the son was that guy Barry.

She was a nice piece of ace.

Run her ass in the Adam Sandler movie?

Of course I do.

That's the only reason people watch that movie.

Salute to.

Yeah,

that was a great casting choice by the Chuck and Larry brothers.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it was like, yeah, we're going to watch.

Her titties are nice.

She's like in a wet bra in that.

You'd see her ass.

I love.

She's in that Texas Chainsaw remake, too.

Uh-huh.

I remember that.

Did she ever show Bear Chitties?

Was critically painted.

She definitely does.

I'm going to be skin right now.

The Texas Chainsaw remake?

It wasn't bad.

People hate it because there's no reason to remake the original, which is like a masterpiece, but it's still good.

Yeah, it's a solid movie.

Yeah.

Arlie Ermy's great in it.

Who?

Arlie Ermy.

Great name.

Arlie Ermy.

Is that the Army guy?

Yeah, Arlie Ermy was the drill instructor.

You know, Arlie Ermie.

In full metal jacket.

Oh, yeah.

He's on all those T-shirts.

I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck, that guy.

And the guy from he was in the Neil Diamond movie with Jason.

Yes, Saving Silver.

Thank you.

I love that.

Saving Silver, Neil Through.

AKA The Neil Diamond movie.

I can't believe we all know that on the immediate movie.

We all knew it immediately.

We all did know.

I didn't want to mock you, but you're correct.

That should be called the Neil Diamond movie.

I mean, it's as close to

a quote-unquote the Neil Diamond movie as you're ever going to get.

There's not going to be another movie that's ever made that's even remotely in the territory of being what you're going to think about.

About Neil Diamond.

A Neil Diamond.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true.

That's a good thing.

So, yeah, that makes sense.

I wonder: is Neil Diamond a plot point in any other movie that's ever been made?

There has to be at least one or two.

I told Evan Williams that Carolines on Broadway was a Neil Diamond-themed comedy club.

Like Sweet Caroline, and then That's Why There's Diamonds on the Stage.

And he was like, Shut the fuck up, man.

Really?

That's fucking crazy, man.

No, of course not.

She was nude in a movie called The Sinner.

Yeah.

Jessica Beale.

No, that's a TV show.

Is that a TV show?

She was hot.

She pops titties out in a TV show?

Was it on HBO?

I don't know.

It was on like AMC, but they do whatever they want now.

I just remember she was.

She masturbates her little sister in that show as well.

How old is your sister?

Jessica Beale masturbates her little sister.

Great angel.

Jessica Beale.

Little enough to be hot.

She was nude in something called powder blue.

Yeah, she was hot in that too.

Okay, all right.

All right, she shows titty.

I got a nice day ahead of me after this podcast.

Actually, I don't.

I'm going to stop beating off.

Why?

Because, man, I.

It makes sex worse?

Yes.

I've been back to my soft dicking ways recently, and I want to change those.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We might have another sponsor on the show at some point, but I mean, we're filled up.

We're filled up as far as ad space goes, but they're a dick pill company.

Dude, yes.

We're losing whoever because they gotta go.

Mechi as I can kick fucking rocks.

Don't do that.

We need the dick pills.

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on, stop.

You can't make business decisions like this on the bus.

No, dude, we can.

That's the whole point of this fucking podcast.

We just do dump shit.

First of all, I handle all this shit, and I will get us the dick pills one way or the other.

But here's what I fucking handy about.

They can't pay us in dick pills.

Wait, I think I know.

Are they real?

How about this, bitch?

They can pay me and stop in in dick pills.

100%.

I'm not a content.

You can suck our now finally hard dicks.

Yeah, dude.

Just our rock hard cops.

One cheek each.

I got the left nick.

You got to get dick pills.

I just, I'll take the money.

You sell me the dick pills.

I'll give you the money.

There you go, baby.

Actually, that's right.

I'll flip some dick pills.

Yeah, you'll flip the dick pills.

I'm going to be direct during everything.

Oh, my neighbor's back from jail.

Dude, dick says that I used to think dick pills were kind of pathetic, but like, if you made a pill that just made my my legs walk for me,

it's a great point.

You ever had to walk?

Great point.

Oh, yeah, I went on a 35-mile walk today.

People are like, are you tired?

Like, no, I just took leg viaduct.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then just legs and walking.

I don't have to fucking do shit.

I made a pill that made my body do all the fucking

fucking jobs.

That's awesome, dude.

Yeah.

God, yeah.

I took a so I was looking up this girl and the first time we hooked up it was fine, but it took me a couple go-rounds to get my dick really pumping.

What is a go-round?

Yeah, what is a go-round?

We're making it, she's sucking me off, we're about to fuck.

I put the condom on soon as soon as dick skin touches latex, the boy starts.

Yes, exactly.

That's awful.

It's tough, you know.

But getting up to get the condom, and then your dick goes.

And I know it's a risk against time, yeah.

Miserable.

Anyway, we did get

a lot of stuff.

You gotta keep the gun pressed firmly to your temple the entire time.

You gotta know,

you gotta know there's one in the chamber.

So finally, the first time we woke up, I get hard, and it was a good, it was, it ended up being good digging, but the second time,

the second time I was like, I can't risk this.

I'm gonna try some weird DP like juice that someone mailed me, a random fan.

And

it did not work that night.

And I was like, great, this thing doesn't even fucking work.

And I couldn't even, like, that was a very pathetic showing, but I made up for it with a real marathon pussy eating sesh.

You know what I'm saying?

And then it it was just a get head situation you know what I mean we're both getting head instead of fucking dude

I was just talking

you're talking about it like what you had to eat that day yeah what the fuck I'm uh you know I want to tell everyone everyone out there suffering from having a fucked up little dick that doesn't get hard that easy sometimes I'm here for you representation matters anyway whatever it was fine then but that was so that was the night before I was flying to New Orleans and so I'm like man that dick I I can't believe that shit didn't work.

I wake up from a nap on this Delta flight, and I'm just wearing basketball shorts on the flight, and I am hard as shit.

It like kicked in 18 hours later, just not in a sexual situation at all.

Did you jack off on the flight?

I was just stiff as hell.

No, it was just my dick hurt.

It was that hard that my penis hurt.

And there's just like a woman next to me.

Like, I was napping, bro.

And it was just like, you could just see my cock.

And yeah, I did not.

Dude, if you ever get a liberal flaccid i got this move i do every time i'm listening so i just watch stranger things okay

and then it's i don't know what it is about that show like i don't know if it's like the mystery something about that show

gets me hard as hell that is so funny

visual stimulation i'm really into that kid missing a tooth

the little boy that looks like a lion yeah i don't know what it is i don't know there's something about it yeah i don't know what it is but i get rock hard every time i watch Strange Dirt Plays.

Are there any other shows that maybe have that same effect?

Yeah, there was one with the old guy, and he had these two black children on his back birthday.

I don't know what it is about that.

That one's also

what about the Brady Bunch.

Does that ever work?

Only if...

It's weird because when the parents, I guess, turn me off.

I don't know why.

I think

because they have so many rules.

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's pretty cool, man.

I don't know, you know, but it's just like those random things I think are like...

Because maybe it's like some people think about baseball.

Yeah, yeah.

You think about children.

It's not the children.

It's media.

It's media.

It's media.

Specific media.

Yeah.

Maybe it's puppets because I watched Sesame Street.

Yeah, it's a joke.

That's a good tip, man.

I'm going to try that out.

No joke, though.

If there was.

About Breast of Me Street.

Breast of me Street?

All the Muppets got tits.

He has titties.

Would Elmo's tits be red, or would there be tits underneath the Super Shit?

No, it would be like just regular black lady tits coming out of the black lady tits.

Because it's a black woman's title.

I thought so.

I mean, either black or Puerto Rican, it's like Harlem.

Yeah.

Sesame Street is like 238th Street.

Did you get in the rock?

Way uptown.

No, no, they're Dominican.

It's Washington.

Oh, geez.

Guvo, what comes after D?

Damn, Elmo, you stupid.

With your big-ass tits.

The first season they kept having to ask your neighbors to turn off the reggae tones so they finished filming.

Damn, Elmo, you dumb as shit, bitch.

Yo, big ass titties.

Them big titties, Elmo, though.

That's some big.

So Elmo has black titties.

Grover definitely is black titties.

Snuffalovicus is already brown.

Yeah.

Big Bird is Puerto Rican.

Yeah.

Bert and Ernie are just gay men.

So I don't know if they were.

They are in the regular show.

Yeah.

God.

I would love to watch Burt and Ernie have sex.

You can easily do that.

Yeah, I guess the internet's full of that.

Which one's the top and which one's the bottom?

Bert's definitely the top.

That's why Ernie's so chill.

Oh, interesting.

Bert's got all that pent-up top action.

Bert's the yellow one.

Yeah.

Ernie's the cool one.

He's getting fucked in the ass.

Yeah, Ernie gets to be.

No, actually, you know what?

I think Ernie probably fucks Bert in the end.

Yeah, because Ernie gets to be fully gay, which is all he wants.

He's just to be fucked.

Whereas Bert,

he's middle-aged now.

Bert really, what he really wants to go do is fuck 17, 18-year-old Twinks,

which is in every gay man's heart.

Yep, true.

They just want to fuck young hot ass.

Now they have to have relationships because they fought tooth and nail to get married.

They could just be having that party we were letting them have off the books.

You know what I mean?

You wanted to legalize it.

All right.

Well, there you go, boys.

You got to pay taxes.

Now you're stuck fucking Ernie for the rest of your life

because he pays half the rent.

The disability checks he gets

not taking his AZT.

I don't know, man.

I could see Bert

being the fucking getting fucked up.

No, no.

Bert's like...

He's too wound up.

Yeah, he's basically like

Ernie.

That's what it is.

He's a sub because in his life he's so

much.

Tops stopped.

Tops hate themselves.

Tops are like Bert, because tops still have this need to fuck,

which makes them kind of not gay.

I told you.

Whereas a bottom is like, yeah, just fuck my ass while I sachet around the apartment and not have AIDS.

This is an interesting theory.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, I told you.

90%.

You can fucking bet on it.

Yeah, you can bet.

You can bet on what kind of gay guys are.

Look at the characteristics of other gay guys.

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They can kick rocks all the way to

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the two prerequisites for being a star in the Walk of Fame.

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Yeah.

Do we got any fucking picks?

Yeah, well, the NFL season is back, and

we got a real lot of action.

A lot of action.

Always, you bet bet on the Ravens?

Always.

Every time you bet on the Ravens.

The Ravens.

Look, did that work out this week?

No, but we got rocked.

The Ravens rocked the Bills week one, though.

Yeah, did we get our fucking tushy smashed Burton Ernie style Thursday night against the Bengals?

Sure.

But I can tell you that.

But I would bet, if you can bet this, I would bet the Bills to go 0-16 this year.

Oh, you can't.

You can get a.

But I would not bet that.

I think that they would lose to Alabama.

They have no defense or offensive line.

I would not bet that.

They are

pretty bad for the best.

Okay, Baltimore is against the Broncos minus five.

Lock of the century, take the Ravens.

At home?

We are at home.

At MNT?

Getting five.

Wait, we're minus five?

Yeah,

that's the first suck, dude.

What?

For real?

Yeah, they're not that.

Are we getting or taking five?

I can't tell.

They should have lost to the Raiders this week.

If we're gaining points, take the Ravens.

If we're not, take the Broncos.

Brilliant insight.

If we're the dogs, take us.

If we're the mind of a mental genius.

And as you know, the NBA season is just around the corner.

Can't wait.

And Stavros and I will come in with some educated picks.

Oh, yeah.

NBA, don't be gay.

That's the motto.

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And we're back.

And we're back.

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What are we talking about?

Oh, yeah.

Bird is definitely a self-loathing homosexual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ernie's at the penalty.

I got to re-watch.

I got to re-watch.

Ernie's on a float.

He's wearing just like a silver thong.

I guarantee you.

Ernie gets off from just pure

penetration.

He just loves it.

Getting fucked?

Yeah.

Ernie is all about sucking.

If he's as gay as you say he is, he should get off sucking dick.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, if you were to declare that Ernie is, in fact, that homosexual,

I would demand

that he ejaculated from sucking the dick.

No, the top also sucks the dick because they got to prep the whole area.

Yeah.

Top men, they put it.

Really?

Yeah.

They suck the dick, they eat the ass, and then I can see them eating the ass.

What do you do if you just do it all?

I would do it all.

Yeah,

I'd get fucked.

I'd sucked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true.

That's the thing, man.

This is why us straight guys don't understand.

Can't understand the game.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A straight man would say that.

Why don't you do it all?

No, no, no.

So people have like specific things that they're doing.

I don't know.

I don't know if.

I don't know.

Yeah, that's why we're straight.

Yeah.

Because we would.

I'm so straight.

We don't fucking live.

Right, right, right, right.

I don't fuck anything.

I fucked a Wily Coyote I I won at the boardwalk in Wildwood.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, I fucked her.

She was like,

I cut a hole in him.

I fucked him.

It was a man.

It was anything.

It was a doll.

I got hole.

Did you really cut a hole in it and fuck it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I fucked two steaks.

I never took the two steaks.

Yeah, this football player told me.

No, shut up.

Yeah, I swear to God.

He goes, a vagina feels like two steaks.

So we took two steaks that were my father had fucking defrosting.

Where the fuck are my steaks?

Yeah.

Oh, here they are.

Delicious.

Somebody already prepped the Bernays sauce.

Yeah.

I think that.

I think the first step in gay sex is you lock eyes, and then the second step is you say, What part of the booty are you from?

Where are you from in Italy?

Yeah.

Then they say where their people are from.

And then they just prep the area, maybe do a little

cute.

Let's go back to Greg's fucking steaks or something.

Greg was having sex with steaks.

So I'm fucking these steaks.

This is a wild story.

I fucked him.

And then my stepfather came downstairs, and he was just like, he literally was like, what the fuck with the steaks?

My rules, Juice Roy.

Come back.

And we ate them.

You ate the steaks?

I'm not going to admit that I fucked the steaks.

Did you wash them all?

I'm not going to.

And he knew, I swear to God, he knew.

Because he was making eye contact with me.

Like, now you got to fucking eat him.

What the fuck?

We cooked him.

You cooked it off.

You cook it off.

That is fucking.

What do you want, man?

It was a game of fucking.

He knew.

We all knew.

But nobody was going to fucking admit it.

So we all ate.

You were chicken and you all just crashed into your cock.

That's like Bert's origin story.

How Bert became gay and why he's such a self-loathing homosexual.

He was forced to eat his own cum by his stepdad.

That is unfucking.

Did he wash the steaks?

Yeah, he put them in the oven.

It's like a young

wash that's a young 13-year-old Bert and his friend just experimenting and sucking his friend's dick.

And he's like, Yeah, I don't know if I'm really into this, but I guess we can try it.

And his stepdad like barges in.

He's like, What are you doing, you little fucking queer?

Okay, we're going to treat it like cigarettes.

You want to suck a dick?

I got everybody from the local 512

coming over tomorrow night for poker.

And you're going to suck every one of them fucking cocks.

It's a young Bert being just brutally raped by an entire union.

And he thinks about that every time he penetrates Ernie.

He's like, who's gay now?

Who's gay now?

And Ernie's like, I am, Bert.

It's like, shut the fuck up.

Put Bernay together, Bert.

Just shut up, Ernie.

Okay, I'm going to go take a bath.

Oh, that's incredible, dude.

You didn't come on the stakes, did you?

That's what I was thinking.

I mean, like, what do you think?

Of course you did.

So that's what I'm saying.

Did you wipe them off or something?

Well, like, I didn't like, you know, you fucked them, and then you just kind of, I was going to, you know, you know.

What?

What?

Did you take the, did you wipe the cum off?

Yeah, where's the cum?

There was no cum on the steak.

Okay, don't wipe the cum.

You wiped them off.

Cock.

You wiped them off.

Cock debris is all that's on the stage.

Although you know, when you think about it, the

dick is, a dick is, like, cleaner than most of your body because, like, you know, I mean, a dog's mouth doesn't doesn't have any bacteria.

It's like that.

So it's like technically the cleanest.

Yeah.

That's why I like to win my digging.

Yeah, my ass is so clean, too, then.

Yeah, yeah.

Unless there was like some sort of toxicity to the peanut butter.

I really don't know.

That's why.

So, did you fuck them yourself, or was your friend who told you about fucking steaks there also?

No, see, he wasn't.

He was like, he was telling everybody.

He was like the cool kid in town.

Gotcha.

And I overheard it.

And I was like, well, I'll take this home.

So this is secondhand knowledge.

You weren't even doing it to tell him about it.

No.

You're just like, that's a good thing.

How old are you again?

13, young, 12, 12.

No, how old are you now?

37.

Okay, so I'm trying to place, is this pre- or post-internet?

Way pre.

Way, way pre.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Nice.

Wait, you kids don't have weird situations like that.

No, because they can just Google like what does it just feel like?

Oh, yeah, there's eight-year-olds now that are like 37-year-old homosexuals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where they're like, well, you know, I know exactly what I'm into.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I've been in a relationship with Marcus since

probably last Sangennaro.

That's where we met.

I was with my family.

I was seven.

And,

you know, we locked eyes.

He was helping Tony Danza

stuff cannolis.

But you guys are younger.

You guys fucked weird shit when you were younger, right?

I fucked up.

No, I never fucked up.

Why not?

I didn't even fucking.

No, I always just beat off.

I figured out how to beat off when I was like nine or ten.

I thought about trying the American pie thing, but no joke, I was too fat to do that to a pie.

There was one time where I very seriously considered fucking one of those.

It wasn't a whole pie.

I didn't have access,

but those little, remember those little snack pies?

You guys remember those?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like those auntie grandmas.

Yeah, yeah.

Those were good.

Those are incredible.

We still have them at the bodega.

Yeah, yeah.

See, that's what pissed me off because when that movie came out, I had already fucked the steaks.

And I was like, it's not a fucking pie.

It's steaks.

It's not enough consistent.

It's American pieces.

What are you doing?

One more time, we're gonna ask you to leave the theater.

You can't yell at the screen.

Greg keeps pitching American ribeye.

He's like, Wait, it's the exact same movie, but he fucks two steaks.

Yep, you don't even have their act, you don't even have character names, it just says Shannon Elizabeth

and the guy from the Neil Diamond movie.

Oh, fuck.

Anything else?

Was that the weirdest thing you fucked?

No.

Probably not.

Is it the only thing that you fuck, inanimate, that you fucked and then eaten?

Yes, that's the pretty.

That's the pretty

special.

We're such great interviewers.

It's like, we have a show, it's like Charlie Rose, but it's Charlie Hose.

And then he just pisses all over the guest's face.

My guest today is Donna Taut, author of The Gold Finch.

We're here to discuss her latest work, In Progress, the story of a boy who discovers his mother's love of ballet late in life and bonds with her over it.

His Me Too.

Donna,

thank you so much for being here.

Well, I'd like to thank you for welcoming me to.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I begin pissing all over your face?

Too early?

I didn't know.

His Me Too allegations were so funny'cause he asked that staffer from his show to come over to his house and then he went upstairs and he came downstairs wearing a robe with his cock out in the middle.

He's like, I don't what's the matter?

Haven't you ever seen a man wear a kimono before?

I like the thing that it was totally tied up, but it was so short his cock was just like half down.

He came downstairs in

came downstairs in a Looney Tunes fitted and stewy pajamas.

Penis pointed him.

What's the matter?

Have you never seen a man in a Kmart Looney Tunes fitted and stewy pajamas before?

That was one of the first times a woman touched my penis because I had these SpongeBob pajamas that were like this in college, and I was too much of a pussy to like, you know, make a real move.

You would pretend to be women's beds.

So, yeah, yeah.

You would throw out their mattress

all

You throw out their mattress.

I lay down on the bed plug.

Dressed up like they're children's sheets that they brought to college.

No, but I had the fucking

button popped off my shit and my cock just popped out.

And it looked like I just made a very aggressive move and just pulled my cock out while we were making out.

But she was into it, so I was like, nice.

So

thank the Lord for that faulty button because I got my dicks smurfed off because of it.

Smurfed off?

Yeah.

She put it, it's because it's small and it's blue.

Yeah.

There was no, the circulation was completely cut off.

She had to breathe life in.

She was just massaging blood into it.

It wasn't even sexual.

It was like a baby that's born prematurely.

Were you like, this is back when you were like 360?

Huh?

This is back when you were like 360?

I was.

375.

No, this was

right back.

Oh, yeah, dude.

The weight of the Xbox.

420.

360.

I was pretty fat.

I was probably about as fat as I am now.

Yeah.

You were so fucking fat when we first started hanging out.

Yeah, I was fat as shit.

It was so funny watching you walk to your car.

Waddle.

Yeah.

I remember me and my friend Brendan being like, I don't think he has knees.

But I had strong, resilient knees, the knees of a warrior.

The kind of knees that, you know, you motherfuckers could never support that kind of weight with your little bitch-ass knees.

Yeah, I mean, we could if we had done

and spent a lifetime morbidly obese.

No, you could not.

You have women's knees that would buckle under the weight of all the fucking beautiful fucking

that much warrior.

No, you're forgetting I do have a 140-pound weight vest that I can wear.

I loaded that shit up and I'd walk around it and I'd be like, damn, this is his life every day.

I guess that would put me at 300 pounds.

Yeah.

Or it would at the time.

I've slimmed down quite a bit.

But no, I was not that fat.

But my dick popped out of those.

I got to get those sponge, but they were very comfy.

That's going to be my move from now on.

Just wear pajama pants and have my cock pop out.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, a little cock flop out.

You figure it out, baby girl.

You know what to do from here.

Should I get a tent?

I'm going to do the Bobby Kelly move and get into camping this fall.

Nah, fuck that, dude.

Camping's fucking gay.

Nah.

Lamping, that's where it's at.

Getting an RV.

Getting an air streak.

Don't put your sneaker on

the couch itself.

It was for the art, man.

I apologize.

It won't happen again, but I had to get in the fart position.

I'm already upset about people spilling oil on my fucking.

Yeah, but

would anyone have guessed that I was not one of those people?

No.

No, I didn't accuse you of it.

I didn't even assume that you had done it.

No, but I'm saying.

I mean, I probably did it.

I don't think it was anyone.

I'm pretty proud of not spilling oil on the couch.

Yeah.

Yeah, where is the oil coming from?

Anyway, look, one more question about Greg Fuck.

Are you a piece of linguine, maybe?

Nice.

You know, slurping up noodles and it just splashes all over the place.

I have to take my glasses off when I eat because I'll just splash food all over.

Yeah.

So I'm a fucking dumbass.

You know what I'm saying?

I really want to know what's the mental retards, you know?

The psychology retard.

I want to know what else Greg has fucked, man.

So, Greg,

you know, the steaks, of course.

The steaks.

Mattress.

Always go with the mattress.

You know, you eat the bottom.

Those are probably the weirdest ones, right?

It hurts because it's got that metal lining.

And so you're like, on the box spring?

it's like

i had heard someone fuck a mattress so i tried and i was like no that hurts craig did you see the video of the man with down syndrome in saudi arabia fucking the front of the car

oh it was incredible it's so funny it's this guy with down syndrome he's got to be four feet tall and he's watching a video of like he's watching porn and he's just the the front of a car in daylight in daylight and this guy comes by and like looks at him and he looks at the guy and then just goes back up

god bless him the guy knows what he wants he does what he likes.

What were you guys talking about with this model?

Who's this model?

There's a down

fashion.

The fashion industry is now trying to

ramp up income.

She's not even the hottest girl with Down syndrome.

No, there's hotter down syndrome.

That's my problem.

Even in the world of Down syndrome, you picked a three.

Oh, really?

She's not hot?

No, she was.

She's not that hot.

Maybe I'm just thinking of the hot Down syndrome girl when I said I would fuck her.

No, so yeah.

I like that you hear model with Down syndrome, and your job as a stand-up comedian is to be like, okay, how can I criticize this?

As a professional comedian, you can't just be like, oh, good for her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, it is.

I just Googled hot chick with Downs, and you get a whole bunch.

Nah, that one's not baby.

She looks like Sherry O'Terry.

Well, that's a baby.

Let me see.

It's hard to tell if it's like a chick.

What's Sherry O'Terry doing now?

She's probably insane, huh?

Yeah, probably.

I don't know.

I think that.

Look at her.

She's bleeding in the wind, you know?

I'm not into it.

Yeah, I'm not into it, but it's like, you know, that's,

yeah, I guess.

This is her?

There's a hot sword.

Oh, she looks like a child.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So

whatever.

I mean, sorry, I don't know why.

What was he saying?

Yeah, it was weird.

Oh, sorry.

I guess she walked in New York Fashion Week or something, but I watched an interview with her and her mother, and her mom's clearly evil.

And she's like, Oh, really?

Yeah, I mean, she's like, Yeah, she's like,

Yeah, she really loves Victoria's Secret.

We're going to try and get it in some Victoria's Secret ads.

That's weird.

She's like, yeah, people are looking at her not because of

her

mental defects.

No, but they're looking at her because she's a celebrity now.

But it's like, you're just holding it.

She's jimming at your daughter.

And she's like, they asked her questions, and she was like, she can't really communicate.

Her mom is basically, I guess there was like a picture, like a before and after picture of her that went viral and the fashion industry saw saw it, and they were like, We need this Down syndrome.

They were like, Thank God.

She walks down the catwalk looking like she thinks she's supposed to be stomping cats to death.

It seems incredibly exploitive, and it's presented as it's presented as inclusive, you know.

Well, I think it's ableist not to want to.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to protect that girl

by criticizing her and calling her a heavy-footed, drunken pony.

I'm trying to protect her from her exploitative mother, who

not the bad guy.

Obviously, he doesn't care about her as much as I do.

The observer of all of this.

Do you think if anyone was arrested for having sex with a mentally disabled person, their defense would be like, Your Honor, that pussy ain't retarded, though?

You know what I mean?

You think that would stand up in court?

Maybe the classic David Tell joke?

Is that really ain't retarded?

Them titties ain't retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what he can do?

I mean, that's like an Adam Friedland level.

No, I mean, what?

You think I listened to David Teller?

No, I think it slipped your mind, and you just didn't.

Yeah, we're talking about it.

We talked about that bit on the show before.

Yeah.

In truth, it's a truth, you know?

No, but let's be fair.

Let's be fair.

Stop.

If Adam had just said that, you would immediately jump down his throat.

I would,

you would have.

That's my job, and you would have joined me.

You know that.

You know that.

Listen, eventually, of course, you would have joined in after a couple minutes.

I would have been like, all right, let's.

If you didn't talk yourself out, I would have joined in.

Me?

No, I'm going 12 rounds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's nice, you know, to have that reputation

of a remix comedian.

And you did it to yourself.

Moving on.

You did it to yourself by doing those things.

Yeah, but the funniest part about that girl, just going back to that retard.

You said she has downskins.

Is that she has downset?

No,

that is the funniest part.

No, in high fashion.

I considered all of it, and the funniest part is her face.

In high fashion.

We're through the program.

We learned through the computers.

The funniest part is how wide her neck is.

No, the funniest part is that

high fashion.

She has traps like Tom Hardy and Warrior.

They do dress like actual models in runway shows.

kind of like retarded people.

So it seems leaked.

It kind of does look like with her wearing the clothes like, oh, this is extra raw.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

You're trying to get the whole thing about being a model is like you want people to fuck them.

It's like, that's why you're not ugly.

No, you just want people to hang the clothes off.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like, that's why they all look.

Yeah, they have no tits.

Yeah.

There's six two.

But they're not ugly.

They're all fucking.

You want to fuck them.

No,

I literally.

You think models aren't?

There's not a single supermodel you could point to that I would look at and be like, wow, I really want to fuck them.

No, that's something.

No, no, no, that's not true either.

Okay, first of all, it's true because I'm saying

me.

No, no, no, no, you're lying, dumbass.

You're lying to yourself.

No, I'm not, dude.

I've never seen Tommy.

There's not a single model that you would really like.

Super model?

No.

Mara Banks in her prime?

Come on, bro.

Yeah, no.

I would fuck Tyra Banks today.

Heidi Klume.

Heidi Klum?

Yeah.

Victoria Sheehan.

Oh, get the fuck out of here.

That one, Leo, the Israeli.

Leo,

fuck.

Yeah, Leo.

You gotta be, you gotta be

200, at least 220 pounds.

They're gonna be like, damn.

Doom.

Yeah, but like, I guess

they're like, I guess they're trying to not have those kind of women anymore.

My favorite is that underwear company is the underwear company that's giving Victoria's seat, quote unquote, a run for their money, according to BuzzFeed or whatever.

Mac what?

No, they had

the advertisement with the girl with Down syndrome, and then the girl next to her has a colostomy bag.

And then the third girl just says Vitiligo.

And it's like, imagine like you're the girl with vitiligo and you're showing up to that shoot.

And they're like, we're trying to showcase people that are just like severely disabled.

Just like

some of the fucking most abject, you know, just freaks that you can fucking find.

Carnies.

Somebody with a genetic disability that's going to shorten their lifespan and they'll never be able to live alone.

Another person that shits in a bag everywhere they go.

And you, the girl with skin that's kind of splotchy.

Yeah, yeah, it's like the Italian guy who shows her the diversity show.

Yeah.

Anyways, now we can talk about precious underwear.

I love precious underwear.

Yeah, I love taking my underwear off and then getting better underwear.

You know, in fact, I've never worn underwear in my life until I went to MacWeldon.com and got underwear.

Really?

Is this an ad?

Yeah,

we love MacWldin.

I love it.

We're talking about Mac Weldon underwear, which is great.

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I was personally tired of getting just cuts and scrapes all over my penis from the inside of my zipper.

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scars.

My penis is covered in scars.

For years, I didn't know that you could go to MacWeldon.com.

Your penis is a cutter.

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They got easy-to-use customer service.

You call them up and you say,

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I'm nude.

Yep.

I'm nude in the star market.

Does Bert fuck Ernie or does Ernie point Bert?

You call them out.

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So you smell bad, you know, possibly from all the dried blood that's been left on the inside of your shirt.

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MacWaldon.com, they're great.

And we're back.

And we're back.

I saw a really funny

porn title the other day.

It said,

first of all, it described the girl as a Dimwit.

Which is such an old term, right?

Like, who's searching for Dimwit on X videos?

So it says Dimwit,

painal sex, which I've never heard that used as a term before.

Panal?

Panal.

One word.

Yeah.

That's right.

Are you sure it's not penal?

No.

Yeah.

The penalty of analysis.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, it was like painal assex, which is kind of redundant, too.

Sure, you have the anal element of the painal,

but yeah, I thought it was really pretty novel.

Yeah, that a dime.

I've seen painl thrown around.

You've seen painl on the my favorite I saw on

X videos one time was some German porn, and the title was uh just titten potty, but one word

it's a German word for a titty party.

Oh, hell yeah, that's my fucking political party party when I started with the titten party.

I'm moving to Dusseldorf and

I believe the Titan Potty.

Were the Titan parties socialists?

Not technically.

In fact, there's a lot of misunderstanding in terms of what socialism meant back in those days.

That's right.

Where are you guys getting your porn from?

Where do you go?

What's your study?

I always want a new site.

I've been getting back into the imagination.

No, you haven't.

Yeah, I have.

Really?

Yep.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Like I said, I haven't beat off in a couple days.

I don't know why.

You What do you know I haven't?

What's with you guys challenging me on the

classic live?

That is a weird challenge.

To use your imagination?

Yeah, I can't do it.

Why can't you see Nick getting into his?

Tell you what, dude,

I seriously have been, and my dick gets harder using my imagination.

It takes a while.

Because at first, you can't do it.

Yes.

And then once you can, it's like, oh, that's been the problem is that I'm like, I have nine different cams open at once on Chatterbait or whatever.

And you're like, I'm masturbating to.

It's like

the architect in the Matrix.

I'm like, there go, my penis will become hard before I even come.

Before my penis has even become hard, I've already come.

It's a foregone conclusion.

What does he say?

Vis-a-va.

Eric.

Vis-a-vis, my balls have ejected.

Ergo.

But yes, no, you're right.

At first, you cannot get hard at all with your imagination.

Once you break through that barrier, you are the sixth

iteration.

You are the sixth iteration of this hard on today,

and I will beat you off, and I have become very good at it.

Yeah, for me, jacking off is like a sweet treat these days, because I live with my girlfriend.

So, you know, I can't jack off while she's there.

It's rude.

It's incredibly rude.

She's constantly jacking off while I'm there.

Really?

Yeah.

But I have to accept that.

You're not a man.

I have to support that.

When I went back to my parents last week, I jacked off like all day long.

I'd like, you know, jack off in in the middle of the day.

I told you guys, I told you guys I'd use that fucking lotion.

That moment.

Yo, that's right.

My mom had CBD lotion.

Whoa, it had menthol in it, and he put it on his dick and then cried.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was like for an hour, like my dick was in pain.

And it was about to be Rosh Hashanah dinner with my parents.

Rosh Hashanah.

Why do you have to say it like that?

That's it's Hebrew.

Say Rosh Hashanah.

Roshashana.

Roshashana is not how you say it.

I don't know.

Rosh Hashanah.

Roshashah

talking about

gyros or whatever.

He doesn't do that.

He says gyros.

He doesn't say gyro.

He says Rosh Hashanah.

Every once in a while I say girl, but I usually say gyro.

Yeah.

He says Rosh Hashanah, and he says.

I'm not lying.

You're a lying.

You're doing it because you think you're better than everybody else with your special holidays.

I have my own holiday.

You know what the holiday tomorrow is?

What?

Martin Luther Kingdom.

Martin Luther Vandross.

Yom Kippur.

The Day of Atonement.

The Day of Atonement.

And I have to apologize for

people I've heard.

I heard Simpson's episode where Principal Skinner's on the phone.

He's like, well, I understand the parents are mad, Superintendent Chalmers, but I mean, it sounded so made up.

I mean, Yom Kippur, come on.

I have to apologize to

your life that I've hurt, that you've wronged, which means that you guys are going to be getting phone calls tomorrow.

I can't wait.

Yeah.

I will never pick up my phone when I see your name.

You pick up all the time.

Never once if I pick up.

I'm going to call up and I'm going to tell you, Nick, that I apologize for nothing.

For accidentality.

Now I want that nothing.

Now you want that note.

Do not deprive me of those apologies, son.

My sweet apology.

The apology I didn't know was coming.

I'm now furious.

I've been denied my apology that I'm owed.

Yeah.

In terms of pornography sites, though, Greg, I think we're, it sounds like we're all just ex-video.

Yeah, ex-hamsters.

Video.

Yeah, you know what?

I don't want to let you in on some little secrets.

What is with the rating system on Pornhub?

Shut the fuck up.

XNXX.com.

I've used that one for

you.

Shut the fuck up.

It's an aggregate for all the other aggregates.

I think it's just X Video.

Ergo.

Ergo.

We have become very good at it.

Really?

I thought X Videos was...

Oh,

I thought it was just X Videos, but maybe I just find all the same videos because it's an aggregate.

Why is Pornhub like the top videos on Pornhub are like 78%?

The rating system on Pornhub at the curve is like a lot more worst jacking off session ever.

They have like, yeah, comic book guys that are like.

Yeah, it's so funny the people that rate like

yeah, who's giving it the thumbs up?

Pext videos is like everything's like

Jesus Christ.

My Pecum podcast is late, and this pornography is not as good as I I would like it to be.

It's labeled paino, but she's barely screaming in agony.

Palo?

I like how a comic book guy easily becomes Jimmy from South Park.

The pornography as

good as it should be.

Hey, Timmy.

Are you beating up today?

What do you use to jack off, Greg, now that you don't fuck steaks?

Well, I mean, I do the lobster tube.

Lobster tube?

At first, it's...

Oh, I thought you were describing a physical thing, and I'm like, you don't fuck lobster.

Yeah, he's a 30-28-year-old man who just takes discarded lobster shit.

That's a website?

Yeah, and at first I was scared because it's like, I don't want anything to do with a lobster involved with Mexico.

But it is just like a pretty good site.

And

they don't update it fast enough.

But besides that,

they're going to do lobster because it's red, and they didn't want to copy red tube.

Oh, that makes sense.

That's what I think it is.

They use a lot of red tube things in there.

Restaurant red lobster, I was always like,

That's what it should be.

Yeah, yeah, you know, as opposed to what, yeah, right, exactly.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's supposed to be fucking red.

Yeah, that's a good closer, dude, for your act.

Yeah, yeah.

What's going on with your act now?

Is it still the story about?

No, I'm not.

You can stop it.

Stop it.

Because these fucking clowns, they just repeat everything you say to me just a thousand times a day.

These fucking fat guys just tell you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not instead of a closer for me, it's a point for you to make in three weeks on this show.

Stop it.

I just hear poo-poo-kaka a thousand times a day because they made fun of it.

No, I didn't make fun of it.

Yes, you did.

No, the what are these podcast guys did?

That's what

those guys roasted you?

Those guys died.

Well, they roasted all of us.

No, but like, effectively, they did.

They played it.

Look, they reviewed our podcast and they made four stand-ups of one line.

And they're like, now, you probably think that these guys, their stand-up isn't so much similar to the podcast.

But here, let's just, this is Adam Friedland from the show doing stand-up.

It was a five-second clip, and it was very funny.

You probably think it's like, you know, more mature or whatever, not as juvenile.

Let's hear Adam Friedland stand-up.

I do that poo-poo.

I pee-pee to.

Pooh-poo cock-eye, my cock-eye.

Shout out to everyone who saw me this weekend and came up and was like, what's his name?

Yeah.

I forgot that bitch.

I forgot we were doing what's his name.

What's his name?

It's so goddamn funny.

Yeah,

my parents and I went to the New York, New York Casino.

What's his name?

Out of context, what's his name is the funniest thing.

It is very funny.

It is good.

Yeah, whatever.

So,

yeah, fuck those What Is This podcast guys?

Actually, I like it.

What happened there?

I think they're good.

There's this podcast of these two dads in Buffalo, New York.

They're two funny guys that are good at being.

They review podcasts.

They make really good points, especially about stand-up comedy.

And they reviewed our podcast and they just could not.

They just got so upset.

They're like, first of all, they don't say their names at the beginning.

Okay, so how do we know what's going on?

They don't even know.

They don't have a stop.

They don't legitimately stop.

I fucking laugh my ass off when they're like, look at this.

Somebody just shows up in the middle of the show.

and they're not on mic, and they have a separate

discussion.

It was actually like, really,

great, listen.

You should get that bumped.

You should get them to do red dude games.

Yeah, but I guess it would have to happen like

organically.

No, of course, you don't reach out.

You publish it.

Check us out.

Yeah.

Greg, you should pose as your own publisher.

Speaking of which, I re-watched, it was like in 2013, Vice did like a little documentary on

who is Dad Boner.

It's like an LA comic, this guy, Mike Burns, that had the Twitter account, Dad Boner, which is like that video is a perfect example of why you should never do anything fucking sincerely as a comedian.

It's a mistake I've made in the past, but if you ever like take your bullshit project seriously and talk about the creative process, there's no way to not look like a fucking stupid asshole.

And then, yeah, there's one part where he's like, you know, at the time on the account, I had like 200 followers, happened totally organically.

Zero retweets, zero ats.

Oh, man.

Please delete this.

That's rough.

Yeah.

I don't remember Dad Boner.

Is he still around?

No, I have not.

I mean, yeah,

Dog.

Yeah, it's not Dad.

That guy's hilarious.

Dog Boner's funny as shit.

Dogboner, go.

What's that about?

He's some scooty guy.

He's one of those guys that came out of that, like the Something Awful

Fiad forums.

Those are the people that were the funniest on Twitter in 2012.

Yeah, just kind of defined.

Yeah.

It's funny as shit.

Style of comedy.

It's not like that Jew guy which Jew guy fat Jew yeah

that's what he's in that's what Greg's into

I saw that guy walking

I saw that guy walking around Clinton Hill and I I

really got upset you should have fucked him up.

No, it's on site fat Jew if you ever see me on the fucking streets, bro Go the other way.

It's on site.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna fuck your ass up

That's a fucking threat, brother

Fat Greek.

Yeah, I'm the fat Greek.

Yeah, Fat Jews.

I guess he's like, there's like a clique of like New York City meme people that just steal comedians.

That sucks so much.

There's a bunch of fucking losers.

Jerry, the guy Jerry.

Jerry.

Oh, Fat Jews.

Louis Katz is asking me if he can come on the show to promote his album coming out at the end of October.

So I just said I'll promote it now.

Okay, sounds good.

Louis's great.

And we're on the street.

So maybe we should have him on the ball.

He's into titty milk, which I want more information on.

Because somebody told me that, and first I was like, that's fucking weird.

Because he looks like he does.

So you don't imagine that he does anything sexually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I guess he was into titty milk.

Yeah.

And then I heard subsequent to that that it tastes like cereal milk.

And I was like, what?

Yeah.

Well, maybe Louie's on to something.

Yeah, I was the one who told you that, by the way.

Oh, were you?

So maybe we should get him in the milk.

Louie's the best.

You know Louie?

Hey, shut the fuck up, man.

Greg, all right?

Don't tell us who the fuck to have him on the fucking show, all right?

Fuck you, Mr.

Drives a fucking Centra, thinks he's cool.

It's a fucking Corolla.

It's a fucking Corolla, Greg.

Greg accused me of driving a Centra.

Can you believe that shit, dude?

Oh, no.

Fuck you.

Take it back, motherfucker.

Go fuck a couple New York strips.

Yeah, man, I will.

Yeah,

maybe you fucking should.

Yeah.

What kind of steak was it?

Because Adam and his lorry side upbringing could only fuck a brisket.

It was a London broil.

We had to fuck old beets to pretend they were these beats.

The beets were stick, but all we had money for was old beets and shoe, maybe.

We live in poverty on Orchard Avenue.

Well, my family,

we fuck whatever produce we could find.

Even though we only own 17 buildings.

My grandfather, apparently, his family was super poor, and they had boarders.

Like, they rented out rooms in their house to make the rent.

And he claims to have fucked a 25-year-old woman.

Yeah, I know.

We've talked about this.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah,

he raped her.

My grandfather was just

very poor, and he raped so many girls.

This poor woman was seeking shelter in this dilapidated Jewish home, and then just a fucking horny-ass teenager comes into her room, ties her up in the middle of the night.

Teenager, he's 12.

And has his way with her.

This is in the 30s.

When you're 12, you're 32 at that point, dude.

So, yeah, pretty cool thing to be proud of.

Might have been the 20s.

Pretty cool thing to be proud of that your

grandfather sexually assaulted a woman.

Can you stop saying that about my grandfather?

You brought it up, dude.

You brought it up and described it and just didn't put the right label on it.

All these people.

Yeah, my grandfather, he actually held down and fucked a four-year-old Chinese girl at gunpoint.

It was like, your grandfather raped a four-year-old?

Come on, dude.

You know, people aren't going to let me live that down.

No, he did.

No one in the Friedland family has ever committed sexual assault.

Is that what you want to hear, Adam?

Do you want us to cut this part out?

What?

Huh?

No, because they think for some reason they.

You need a sign if you want us to cut out this.

When we cut an episode, and for some reason,

people think, or maybe because you guys said it, that the reason we cut it was because

my grandfather, we talked about how my grandfather raped.

No, we did not say that.

But that's what people think.

People think that.

And then I was like, oh, yeah, we got to cut this because it's a deep family secret that my grandfather,

he wasn't a very nice person, but he's certainly not a rape.

I don't even like it.

That wasn't why we cut the episode.

No, that wasn't why we cut the episode.

We cut it for like a different reason.

But for some reason, the next episode, we're like, yeah, we had to cut that because we were talking about Adam's grandfather

rapping all those people.

And then

you would never commit rape in your family?

Besides me?

See, Adam, that's how you handle that kind of question, man.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm sorry that we're ruining Shana.

Rushana.

It's Yom Kippur.

There's too many vowels.

Don't you know?

You can cut a couple of them out.

Yeah, you have to buy a vowel in

Wheel of Fortune.

Guys, that's great.

These aren't consonants.

We'll go all consonants.

That's why there's no vowels in the original fucking Old Testament.

It's only consonants.

They cost too much.

Yeah, they don't have spaces or vowels because because they're too expensive.

That's true.

There's no vowels in the Hebrew language.

Yeah.

Isn't it just drawings of like.

Would you like to buy a vowel?

Absolutely not.

I've got a coupon, two-for-one vowels.

Ooh, a wheel of fortune.

And then they see where it says bankrupt, and they're like, ooh!

Stay away from that wheel.

I don't even want the Kia Sonata anymore.

Oh, fuck.

I just want to add that my only contribution to this podcast has been I Masturbate The Stranger Things.

I fucked two steaks.

I admitted to rape.

Yeah, that's right.

That sounds good.

That's what we call the fucking

trifecta.

Trifecta.

You've already contributed so much more than me.

Yeah,

that's a brilliant contribution.

That's rich, too.

That's three for me.

Well, here's the thing.

You ate the steaks you jacked off with.

We all ate them.

We all ate them.

In a way, we did, man.

And

you're from New Jersey?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Were you from New Jersey?

No.

No, he's from Louisiana.

No, no.

But you said Wildwood.

Yeah, Wildwood, New Jersey.

Was that your beach?

It was one of the many beaches.

Oh, Jersey's got a lot of beaches.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You ever hit up OCMD?

Yeah, I think I have.

That bar place with the damn.

Secrets.

Secrets.

Secrets, of course.

That's where Cumfest is going to be.

Secrets is the best.

I made out with three women in one night.

That's a lot for me.

It's disgusting.

Secrets.

Yeah.

I didn't know the fuck.

I was just scared.

But, like, you can come in from the sea.

Like, it's got a beach entrance.

So we came in via boat.

I just saw some girls.

Like, what's up?

And she was like, what's up?

And then we started making out.

And I was like, that's what happens when you come in via boat at secrets.

Yeah.

You keep those things secret.

Like Adam's family.

That's where his grandfather would hang out.

He's hanging out at sea.

He was a cool dude.

He wasn't that cool of a guy.

You can just make out with any girl you want.

They can't stop you.

How many girls have I raped?

One.

Two.

Three.

We got a count.

Five.

Six.

They count it.

Yeah.

It's like two hours later.

273.

274.

That would be such a slow count.

Two hours later,

he's only at 273.

He just stopped to think about how much he liked raping for an hour and a half and then he finished.

We have not, there's nothing official on the books about Cum Fest being at secrets, but that's the we've got to make it happen.

That's the dream we got.

We got to have Cum Fest itself.

Oh, yeah, no, we could do that.

We could totally book a festival at Secrets.

Yeah, dude, we should do Cum Fest.

I should do Cum Fest, yeah.

But like off-season, yeah, December, the winter,

just freezing cold on the beach.

Joke, we should go.

We should go like

either for your birthday or my birthday.

We should do Comfest at Ocean City, Maryland in December or February.

Yeah, dude.

Just bring down, get a van, bring down comics from New York we like.

You know, just put on like, just do it like Saints Fest, where there's 35 different showcase shows with the same seven comedians on every show.

Just a different spot.

Lewis coming up.

Okay, we're going to put you on first.

And it's like, Lewis, this is just you pretending to be good at logistics.

Yeah.

And all the stages have to be named after our sponsors.

Of course.

All right.

Well, that's the show, everybody.

Get excited.

Stay tuned for Come Fest with Secrets in Ocean City, Maryland.

No, we don't yet.

Find out about what?

The November.

Nashville.

Oh, yeah.

All of those.

Nashville, Atlanta.

Charlotte.

Charlotte, Chattanooga, Hattiesburg, Vicksburg.

What are we doing?

Vicksburg.

Bull Run.

Bull Run.

Appomattox.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We're doing a whole Civil War type thing.

But for real, this weekend, please come to Chicago and see me in Detroit.

The Friday show was sold out on the 21st, 22nd, and there's two Saturday shows.

Let's sell those motherfuckers out at the Lincoln Lodge.

And then in Detroit,

I'm on there on the 23rd of Sunday, a weird like six o'clock early show.

But come hang out, and then maybe we'll have time to do stuff later.

And then the next day is Funny Moms.

And the next day is Funny Moms on the 24th.

And of course, listen to the motherfucking Rad Dude cast with our boy Gregory.

Thank you, sir.

And our other.

We had such a blast with you and Brendan.

Brandon was fucking great.

That was a great one.

That's great.

Yeah, you should have been more like Brendan.

I know, man.

I was a little tired.

I'm not going to be.

I'm fucking.

Do you have any plugs?

Do you have anything to plug?

Check out the Rad Dude cast.

Also, yeah, on the Brandon one, we talked about how you're the funniest guy in the world.

Oh, really?

Yeah, we sucked you off Brendan Daniel.

Maybe, maybe not on the week of the show.

No, you did great.

No joke, that fucking steak story is hilarious, Greg.

Oh, thank you.

That's one of the funniest things of all the stuff.

It's great.

Yeah.

So listen to that.

Anything else, Greggie boy?

Nah, man.

This is another Rad Dudecast.

That's all it means anything to me.

Greg, and then Raduke Dudecast making their podcast festival debut at ComeFest.

Oh,

ComeFest 2022.

Adam's dead.

Surprisingly, me and Stav are the ones that live.

Who would have thought?

Yeah.

That would be wild if

Stav gets kitchen sober.

I get mine sober.

Bro, if I could clean.

Yeah.

I mean, anyway.

Can you imagine if you went on like a Matt Kazam juice bender?

Hell yeah.

And, like, got real thin.

You're one of those.

Like,

those pussy-necked fat guys.

Like, your head and your skull already in the face.

Is he the Vegas guy?

Who, Matt Kazam?

Yeah, didn't he move out to Vegas?

Maybe.

I don't know.

He's a good guy.

I like Matt.

Yeah, that is true, though.

He got really into juice, and his whole social media presence was like, guess who's making juice?

It's like, juice again.

And it's like, yeah, I understand you're not fat anymore.

I know.

I'm scared of that.

It looks like shit.

I'm scared of that exact thing that pussy neck thing like fucking what's his face from uh pennanteller the guy who wasn't pendillet yeah well his neck straight looks like a pussy neck but here's here's the thing straight up the older you get and stay fat the more your risk you are of that if you ever lose weight true if you just never stop you're gonna die at like 34 probably

if you continue

if you continue living your life this way 56

56 at least you think 56 yeah for sure no way come on bobby's still alive

probably was not fat his entire life.

That's true, but he's not very fat.

You need to look at Belushi, at Chris Farley.

No, they were also doing drugs.

I stopped doing cocaine.

You weren't doing that much cocaine.

Yeah, but I don't do it anymore.

What do you mean?

You did cocaine like once every two months.

That wasn't the thing that was bringing it up.

But it's bad for your heart.

That's what killed those guys.

So is eating a shit ton of food all that speedballs more.

Yeah, I mean, a lot of people did as much cocaine as Chris Farley and Belushi, and that didn't kill them.

It was definitely the fact that they were fat.

Yeah, fat plus cocaine.

Yeah.

Only fat.

Yeah, but make it to 58.

Look, man, you're losing teeth.

You're losing the ability to do that.

My tooth has nothing to do with me being fat.

That is not being because I'm fat.

That was this freak accident.

Technically, I did eat it on a chicken wing, so maybe in a roundabout way, it was being fat.

With you, everything's a roundabout way.

But anyway, I'm going to live to the beautiful age of 58 or 59 at least.

And Greg will live forever.

Of course.

We die on the same day, man.

Adam will die soon and join his grandfather in heaven.

Dude, I'm telling you,

I'm really excited about ComeFest.

Also,

as soon as summer ended, I immediately feel a million times better.

Fuck summer.

Now that it's fall, I feel great.

Yeah, that's fucking summer is such a bullshit season.

It's been raining for a week.

It's kind of nice.

Yeah.

Seattle vibe.

Dude, I love fall.

I fucking love fall so much, man.

Yeah.

Sitting outside, reflecting on wins and losses.

I love it.

You know, just accepting it all.

That's great.

Get a little pipe.

Smoke some pipe tobacco.

Yeah.

You smoke a pipe, Greg?

No, I just like to get high.

You get wet, Greg?

You ever get wet, Greg?

I like to get high on myself.

It's not about what you know, it's about what you can prove.

Having

a training day.

I'd love to come over here, dude.

How about

training day, but it's Denzel Washington using a series of increasingly larger butt plugs to train his ass.

Training Day.

You ever get fucked in your ass, Jake?

Pond saw, Jake.

That's what the asshole smells like.

I don't know.

This ain't what I signed up for, man.

On all fours, reluctantly getting plugged.

Do yourself a favor if you haven't.

Look up Monologue Training, Training Day Monologue, and there's nothing but, and I'll start from the lowest hits.

It's nothing but black actors trying to do the monologues from Training Day.

And it's the range is amazing.

That's hilarious.

There's some people who are outside in a leather jacket.

This one guy was just at his kitchen table.

He's like, Jake!

Jake!

That's incredible.

Dude, it's unbelievable.

I love those.

I found this Indian guy one time.

You do that with audition videos, monologue videos, and then impression videos.

And there was this Indian guy I found one time who was like, you know, it's like, Prakash Prinja Barjania does

does fucking like Dustin Hoffman.

And then it shows him in his house, and he's got this whole like professional VO set up with the mic and then the wind screen and the pop screen.

And it's like, this is Dutton Hoffman from Kremer versus Kremer.

Why cannot I don't have my kids?

You're gonna have one kid, but I cannot have my kids.

I do not want to get a bar.

I am not the only one.

just

so far off.

Yeah, one to get the four.

That's incredible.

Man, let me see if I can find that guy, Dustin.

Here, talk for a second because I wanted to see if I can get this in.

Yeah, dude, that sounds very good.

The training day.

You'll spend.

I mean, I went to bed at like 7 a.m.

I love it.

I was like, I just watched almost all of them.

How did you get on there?

I was messaging them.

Because Anthony Diet and I do a thing where we only watch videos that have under a thousand views.

Beautiful.

And like, we saw one, and then we were like, there's got to be more.

Yeah,

just like this is Dustin Hoffman.

The Dustin Hoffman impression by Nihar.

For the past six months, I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest accounts it's ever had.

At five o'clock in the afternoon, we got the account.

At eight o'clock, I come with the vice president who says, I'm going to be the next creative at this apartment.

I come to the door to share with my wife what happens to me one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and says, He doesn't want to live with me anymore.

Is that his Dustin Hoffman?

That's his Dustin Hoffman.

Setting it up.

It's Kramer versus Kramer.

The fact is, for the past six months, I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest accounts of channels.

I come to the door to share with my wife what happens to one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and says, She doesn't want to live with me anymore.

Wow.

No, his YouTube is Nihar the Artist.

Hell yeah.

And he's just got a million, like a million of these.

And

ask him about Bert Ernie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go to DM Nihar.

Who gives one?

Who's his Burt Ernie?

His video, Five Hollywood Impressions in Two Minutes.

Yes.

I'll play all of these and then we'll guess which ones are which.

Mr.

Dewey, Truman Capote from the New Yorker.

Mr.

Dewey, I wonder when we could arrange an interview.

Sometime to talk.

You're going to listen to it.

Oh, it's the hottest when someone has a notice in a vacuum.

It's impossible to convince them otherwise.

Ever since I was a child, folks have thought they had me pegged

because of the way I

am.

You know, the way I talk.

And they are always wrong.

Incredible.

That I cannot do.

We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you ever came me for counsel or for help.

I can't remember the last time you invited me to your home for a cup of coffee.

Even though my wife was a godmother to your only child.

I want to know what happened to the plants that they sent you.

You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor.

Last night we said a great many things.

You said I was to do the thinking for both of us.

Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing.

You're getting on the plane with Victor where you belong.

You've got to listen to me.

You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here?

Nine chances out of ten, we would wind up in a concentration camp.

Funny how.

I mean, what's funny about it?

Funny how.

No, no, I don't know.

You said it.

How do I know?

I mean, these are like a little bit, a little bit better than like the

unbelievable.

They're all just kind of close enough that you kind of get it.

Well, you wouldn't recognize it.

Do you know what the first one was?

No, I missed the first one.

Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Truman Capodi, right?

Yeah, Shuman Capote.

But like all of the impressions, you can't do an impression and be like, you know, like, hey, it's me, Robert De Niro.

Here I am.

Here comes fucking Robert De Niro.

Fuck.

People are like, is that Robert De Niro?

That was incredible.

Yeah.

Whoa, fuck.

Did I just.

I don't even.

Here's me.

You do not come to my wedding.

You have never come to me before this.

And you come to me on this the day of my daughter's wedding.

When my wife asks you about

for sugar, you do not give her,

and now you ask me this on the day of my daughter's wedding as the godfather, also known as Marlon Brando.

Shouts out, so everyone, guys, please go check out the Rad Dudecast, and more importantly, Mihar's Impressions on YouTube

and just absolutely abuse this guy.

No.

Blow up his coffee.

Only Adam is saying that.

Yeah, just ruined this guy's life.

Fox him.

That's your show.

Come see me in Chicago and Detroit this weekend.

Come see us in Australia next month.

Thank you.

Goodbye, everyone.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

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