Ep. 113 – on this one
we call someone gay i think
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Transcript
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Hello and welcome to Come Town Stobbs Apartment Edition, where I lost one of the mics.
This is so yeah, thank you.
We are falling apart for taking responsibility for that shit.
Well, I'm replacing it.
Eldis is on his way back right now with a mic, but until then, Adam's on my lap.
Do we have an XLR cable?
I have the XLR.
Why didn't you tell me this?
Because I could have taken one for my apartment.
I didn't realize till you guys were.
Like, I went to set it up, and I didn't realize till you guys were already on the way.
This is a fucking goddamn Travis.
Are you doing the levels at least?
The levels are good, dude.
We're all fives.
All fives?
All fives.
You got no headphones in?
You're not even going to check.
No.
Not going to make sure.
You got headphones?
Well, we're drinking from Stav's brand new Nescafe, which is
Nespresso Nescafe.
Nescafe is a type of.
I'm still waiting on my coffee and Vitamix to come back from the Vitamix Corporation.
Oh, dude.
Did you get it supercharged?
The fucking knob broke.
Yeah, dude, I got a woo-woo on it.
Did you get rims?
You got spinners?
Spinners?
Fucking woo-woo on there.
V-Tech.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
I got a turbo on my Vitamix.
Dude, it turns a fucking...
Oh, hell yeah.
Damn, we sound good.
Yeah.
We sound like cute little bitches.
Nas.
Yeah, we got Nas Adam.
I actually like this because me and Adam are basically kissing.
Yeah.
I was sharing mic.
It's all about doing gay shit with your boys, you know?
That feels good.
It's like Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, yeah.
He's kissing the same mic.
Yeah, you're the sexy black saxophone guy, dude.
Oh, Clarence Larry.
I'm Bruce, though, for sure.
He's dead, Clarence Clarence.
Yeah, I know.
So, yeah, we're just out here.
I have now just, I'm in a bathing suit.
I'm out of regular shorts.
I'm out of all my laundry.
I'm just fucking rolling around in a damn suit.
I can't wait to die.
I have to get a fucking MRI, dude.
This shit sucks.
It's going to cost, like, like, what, $3,000?
No, I could probably get it for like $500, the doctor said.
Oh, damn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When I had that heart thing, and I was like,
I'm going to go to the doctor and get this shit checked out.
$1,000,
no answer.
Turns out that cuff I got at home,
it's like they had to recall because my guns are too damn big.
Damn, dude.
So you shredded it with your body.
I got too strong for the fucking blood pressure monitor.
Damn.
So it's not accurate.
Really?
Yeah.
It only works for people with up to 13.5 inch biceps.
Damn, dude.
Which is like.
That's no good for anybody that's done a fucking pull-up is going to have.
I got 17 and a half.
I mean, yeah, you're probably too fat for.
No, too strong.
Well,
I don't know.
Too strong.
Say strong.
I checked at like a pharmacy and my shit looked okay, but now my dick just doesn't, completely doesn't work anymore.
And I'm like, I'm waking up seeing spots again.
your dick's just done, Blotto.
Just out.
Damn.
Lights out.
What about when it's getting sucked?
Barely.
I mean, I got to get it on that.
I got to get on the dick pill game.
Oh, brother.
Romans.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
We didn't say it on the pod, but I was making fun of this guy who's in a subway ad for Romans, which is that like birch box for boner pills and
hair, like what hair plugs?
Hair plugs?
No, no, like
a fucking uh pro kill i'm so glad i'm not going bald i was so freaked out about that and then it just all came back
i was making fun of that guy i was like oh yeah i saw it like a boner a boner pill ad on the subway and then they have this like guy like that's in the ads which he's like probably an actor and so stoked about getting a job and then he found out that it's for a guy that can't get it
that was that was an episode of friends and the guy was at funny moms he was there oh like raised his hand yeah i brought him on stage yeah he was like and then adam sucked his limp dick Then I sucked his lip dick.
We got a couple of good riffs on this one.
We're talking about like
starting a charity for you.
Oh, yeah.
We had a couple of.
Hamnesty International.
See, that was so funny is because that weird face guy who I said I wouldn't call him that name.
We're nice to him now.
His name's David.
Yeah, he's nice.
Shouts out David David David David.
I already introduced him as the weird face guy.
Shouts out, David.
He was upset about that.
About being weird face guy?
Yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh.
But
he,
I think he said it.
And then
we'd already been doing puns that were terrible.
He says hamnesy international.
Adam tries to shit on him.
Adam's like, you don't do the puns or whatever.
Oh, shit.
People booed the guy.
And I was like, don't boo that guy.
No, no, that's not true.
He did not say hamnesy international.
He said something else international.
And then I said hamnesy international.
Damn.
I improved on this amateur dude.
What did he say then?
Some other shit.
That didn't really make sense.
Fat guy international.
I don't know.
Okay, I like fat guy international.
I choose to believe that.
That's kind of hamnacy international.
That is good.
Yeah, that is good to choose to believe that because then Adam just stole from him.
Stole it.
Then I'm afraid.
Disrespected that weird face bagged on the
face is fine.
David, your face is fine.
Nick calling you the F-bomb, though.
I'm going to stop saying,
you know, the word.
Faget.
Faget.
I don't give a shit.
I'll say anything.
Yeah.
Say cunt.
I can't do it.
I respect women too much.
Is it time for you to announce that you got a joke on the new Alley G show?
No.
Okay, never mind.
Are you sure, dude?
I heard you wrote for that.
No, I did.
You wrote a very specific joke.
I'm not going to say I got shit on on a show where I probably didn't get shit on.
But you got one joke on.
I, like, consulted on it for three days.
Yeah, you consulted for a specific congressman, didn't you?
Yeah, for a specific word.
I wrote the N-word.
No, I was joking around saying that, but I don't want to imply that I came up with that bit or it told the people.
No, no, no.
No, just the part where he shouted the N-word four times in a row.
Yeah.
I mean,
honestly, it feels unprofessional to even say I was involved with the thing when they had me like barely contribute anything.
Yeah, no, it's just a bit to say that you wrote the n-word, man.
Yeah, yeah.
You're overthinking it, dude.
Is it?
Well, anyways, we were doing charities for you.
Yeah, give me some more charities.
Well, Bread Cross, obviously.
Bread Cross.
Yeah, that's good.
The Make a Dish Foundation.
I think
Slob Nation Army.
Army or something.
No, that didn't work.
What was the other one that we did?
Well, the best 7-inches army was good because I have a 7-inch penis.
That wouldn't have been true.
That's how big my dick is.
It's 7 inches.
A 7-inches army going to fuck your ass.
First of all, not a charity.
It's a song.
Moved away from.
My dick.
seven inches.
I do not have a small dick.
It's actually seven inches, and I fucked you with it.
Anyways.
Bum, bum, bum.
Bum, bum, bum, bum.
I think my magnum opus on that motherfucker was instead of the white helmets, it's the tight helmets.
Because you got
phlimosis?
Phlimosis, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Because your dickhead is
didn't really get a response, but it's the best one.
It's moments like that where it's like, okay, this is why I have the microphone.
It's for you.
It's not for them, you know?
Yeah, but that's, first of all, I'm a very talented.
If they knew any better, of course, dude.
Tight helmet or whatever?
Tight helmet.
Tight helmet.
See the white helmet.
Fuck that, dude.
This world can take everything away from my self-esteem, but not that.
Not tight helmets.
Not tight helmets.
Damn, dude.
Sometimes the boy can come through, you know?
Oh, yeah.
Last minute.
My dying breath.
What are we talking about?
Restaurants?
Yes.
But they're for
Chinese.
But they're for Chinese people.
It's Black Donald's.
Yeah.
Just disappear like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
And Adam's like, Ben!
Yeah.
Your stained Adidas tank top just is on the floor.
And underwear with cum all over them.
Hell yeah.
You do look, you have a nice look going today, dude.
The narcotics anonymously.
You got that light, light wash jeans.
They're trying to buy heroin off a teenager.
Yeah,
light washed jeans, that fucking gray pullover, the Air Force.
It sucks like no one does heroin.
Everyone just does cocaine.
Well, people do it.
Heroin is back in a big way.
Yeah, but I don't know my friends.
Demi Lovato just almost died or whatever.
I'm not friends with Demi Lovo.
And she doesn't even have that big of titties.
Right.
She's fat.
Damn, she almost died.
Her titties aren't that big.
People are doing pills, though, I feel like.
People are doing like
oxies.
Isn't that basically heroin?
It's similar.
It's junior heroin.
I love pills.
You take like an 80-milligram oxy, or if you like, really want to just push it to the limit, take two of them, and just fucking knot off.
That sounds awesome.
I've been taking two big-ass fucking edibles every night and just zonking the fuck out and waking up fucking gnarly as fuck.
just I can't sleep on edibles.
Oh, I sleep like a fucking baby with a hard-ass dick.
My heart starts.
I've taken enough oxycontin that it feels like heroin, but I've never shot heroin.
I've only ever snorted it.
So I don't know if.
Like the bitch from Pulp Fiction, Uma Thurman.
Yeah.
You got your Uma Thurman on?
Well, it's weird because in that movie she does the line thinking it's Coke and then her nose starts bleeding,
which
heroin's not like crystalline.
I don't know why that would happen.
I don't know, maybe for cinematic effect.
Yeah, Yeah, but you really don't have to do a lot of that shit to get
fucked up.
Because this bitch took a fat rail.
Yeah.
Uma.
You can't do like you can't do that shit like you would do cocaine.
Yeah.
You have a key bump.
Damn, dude.
Should I do heroin?
We should all do heroin, dude.
Let's do it.
Everyone that I know who did it misses it.
Wow, heroin's like my dick.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It'd be nice to start with a girlfriend.
Because then you don't have to fuck them anymore, but you stay really strong.
The relationship gets really strong.
I knew these two junkies that would just shoot up and then scratch each other, and they would talk about
just like itching each other.
That's fucking awful.
Well, the nice thing about all your relationship is that at a certain point you do stop fucking your girlfriends and other people start fucking you.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's just
something that happens.
Swap out.
You tag them.
Adams on the ropes.
I'm like, come on, Adam's on the ropes.
Please, please tag me in.
Please tag me in.
I'm like one of these, like, make a bitch come like five times and then I'm, you know, I'm done.
I'm good.
And then I, and then I ride my motorcycle out of town.
You know, I'm like the dad from
me out and go.
He stops working.
The only thing I can think about is drugs.
Yeah.
I just want to do drugs.
Having a limp-ass dick in a mouth.
Dude,
it used to be the magic solution to getting my dick hard again was getting it sucked.
But now.
the magic solution.
Now it's gay pornography.
Now it's looking at fucking zip files that I get emailed of young boys wrestling.
No, I mean, because like I've had that,
I've had the Apple Watch for a while.
And like back in December, I guess it was doing a decent amount of blow.
Yeah.
It never was it giving me that heart shit.
And I did the blow last week, which has been fucking me up for like a week.
Yeah.
I mean, I think a lot of this.
You got depressed after you saw Nanette and then did blow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, that night, that thing was just going off.
Oh, the night you were doing it?
Every like five minutes, the Apple watch is like, you need to go to the hospital.
Holy shit, dude.
Don't do any more Coke.
Nah, dude, I'm trying to die.
This is a death cult.
We're all going to die together.
Everyone who listens to
how like Legion of Skanks does like the countdown for New Year's?
He's like, yeah, dude, you can sync it up.
I'm going to do the same thing, but we're all just going to fucking overdose at the same time.
Yeah, it's going to be like Jonestown.
Yeah.
Sounds hot.
A friend of a friend, or a friend of mine, apparently listens to the show and told his therapist about Cometown, and his therapist told him that other patients had told him about Cometown.
No!
We are literally running a death call.
No, stop.
Yeah, dude.
It's real.
real.
Dick and I heard that, we were like, that is so fucked up.
Yeah, that sucks.
Welcome to the pit.
You know?
Hell yeah.
You know what?
Fuck it.
Let's do it.
If we're here already, let's all be fucking bane, dude.
Yeah.
I hate this world.
Yeah.
I fucking hate this world, and I want to watch it just fucking just completely collapse in on itself.
Yeah.
We should all kill it.
Let's do a fight club.
What did they do?
They blew some shit.
They blew up that big ball.
They blew up Delaware.
They just fucked fucked up.
They fucked up Wilmington, Delaware.
No, I'm serious.
Because it's like credit cards with all the credit card companies.
Let's do it.
Hell yeah.
Dude, let's go to fucking Delaware.
I got to stay with Ian's mom.
Let's fuck Ian's mom.
Yeah, let's all fuck Ian's mom.
Gail.
Ian, we're your dad now.
He's like, dad?
We all go finally.
Finally, Dad's back.
We all go wearing Oshkosh, like seersucker overalls, like train conductors.
That's my husband.
We're your dad now.
He's 3'4 three and he's like, what's up?
Name's Josh.
Josh Kosh.
He just raises Oshkosh.
That would rule.
And all the girls are like, I don't know.
There's just something about him.
I really like that Josh guy.
He's like, yeah, I'm pretty cool.
I'm like, what do they see in that guy?
He's just, he's a talking baby with cool beach bum hair.
I bet that guy could get pussy.
He's just a three foot four Justin Garini.
All the women just love him.
Yeah, I bet he could get pussy.
Yeah, anybody can get pussy, dude.
But a little guy?
That's the thing.
All it takes.
I mean, that's true.
A gun, a secluded alleyway.
Yeah.
A man wearing flip-flops.
That's right.
That's right.
A coward.
A coward wearing flip-flops.
You know what I want to make?
Be the only witness?
I'm going to make this.
This is going to be great.
I can't wait.
It's a whistle, but it's called an I'm not being raped whistle.
Because rape happens so much.
Like, we know this.
It's a constant problem.
So women should just.
Eldis is here with the mic.
Hold on.
Thank you, Eldis.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Finish Eldis.
Nick is in the middle of a not-getting-raped whistle idea.
Yeah.
Because rape happens so often, right, that women need a whistle to signify that they're not being raped.
But here's the trick: we sell the whistle to rapists.
So that way you get a,
you take your date out to an alley, take her out for a nice evening behind the dumpster.
Yes.
And she's like, Oh, I'm being raped.
Time to get out of my rape whistle.
Boom, what happens?
An even bigger rapist.
The rapist has not getting raped whistle.
Someone's like, Is that a girl being raped?
Oh, no, she's not being raped.
Yeah.
It sounds a little like there's a rape whistle underneath the not-being rape whistle.
Okay, just to be safe, shouldn't it be like a not-being-raped air horn to really make sure the whistle you can hear the whistle?
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bump, bump, bump.
Yeah, my game rate Vuvuzala.
Yeah.
Nice one, Eldis.
Yeah.
Vu Buzela references, I'm all about them.
Oh, yeah.
2018, 2019.
I'll cruise to my sweet death.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we remember it, Eldis.
You're off mic, though, so shut up, bitch.
Yeah.
Eldis is ruining the show.
Samber style.
Yeah, this is a very amber throwback.
Everybody wants Amber to come back on.
Let's get Big Titty Amber back in there.
Let's have those sweet cans.
Let's go to her apartment so we can see Ernest, old school.
She wanted to come over this week.
Do you go out of town?
No, I got to go see my insane grandmother on the Eastern Shore.
Damn.
At the, I guess, big hunt on.
Oh, yes.
Hold on.
Hold on.
We're about to pause for getting Adam his own microphone, everyone.
And.
Wait, hold on.
This is almost perfect timing.
Okay.
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
Adam, you're going to have to wait four minutes to get your own.
Don't do that, guys.
Don't do it, Adam.
Do not do it.
You'll fuck up the whole file, bitch.
We'll pause in a second.
All right.
so go get a sock to throw over it, Adam, while you wait.
What's going on with your insane-ass grandmother, bro?
I don't know.
She's got dementia real bad, so.
Can you still get crabs?
She thinks my grandpa's sister is his girlfriend that she's like.
She's accusing him of cheating on her.
Cheating?
She's trying to run away.
Well, was your grandpa fucking his sister?
To be fair.
Yeah, that's his move.
Hell yeah.
Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump.
I'll suck on my little penis.
No, dude, four minutes.
You're giving me anxiety.
You're in the penalty box, Adam.
That's fun.
You're in the penalty box for having a little-ass dick.
So you're going to the Eastern Shore?
Egregious penalty.
Is it too late to get crabs?
No.
It's the middle of the summer.
I forgot what time it is because I've been in my fucking prison here in my home.
But you think you'd have time to sneak up?
I got crabs yesterday.
Did you?
Fuck.
I went to Brooklyn Crab.
Are they good?
They're okay.
You need that B-more shit, baby.
That Eastern Shore card.
Okay.
Yeah.
Damn.
I want crabs.
I had mad seafood in Cape Cod this weekend.
You went to Cape Cod?
I thought you were going to North Carolina, baby.
We called an Audible, like, because we picked up the RV and we saw it was raining all weekend in North Carolina, so we just drove up to Cape Cod and said, yeah.
Did you really?
Yeah, yeah.
Nice.
Yeah, it was sick.
What are we going to do for our bachelor parties, boys?
Hmm?
What do you mean?
Our joint wedding.
Oh.
We each marry a woman.
We all marry the same woman.
Honestly, that might be the solution.
What's that Korean church?
The idea of marrying one person terrifies me, but if all three of us married the same person, we get a third of that four.
This is a big fat horror.
When I first started dating,
we come in like a queen.
When I first started dating Dasha, I said she is our girlfriend.
That's true.
You guys let me run with it as my own, but
the invitation is still open.
So should we get back to you?
We'll just fuck Dasha.
Yeah, it's true.
You guys seem to have a nice relationship.
Me and Steve should be able to ruin that.
Yeah, exactly.
Me and Nick haven't really ever felt love that way.
So why don't we get a piece of that?
Yeah, I think I am too, unfortunately.
I'm capable of some very fun times and I'm fun to be around.
But when it comes to real feeling,
I can even come close.
I have to shoot up a bank or something.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Oh, in terms of what I felt good doing, it's been drugs and eating, like,
you know.
Me and Eldis had a day where it was like.
The only time I'm happy is when I completely destroy my life.
Yeah, absolutely.
When I throw everything away and it's like, yeah, fuck it.
When it's happening, I'm like, this sucks.
But the beautiful aftermath.
When it's happening, once I've securely fucked everything up in my life, and it's just everything's on fire.
Yes.
And you're smiling.
I'm like, dad, hell yeah.
Fucking hell.
I love starting over.
It feels awesome.
Me too.
Because
there's no fucking...
No one expects shit from you.
It's fucking freedom.
Yeah, dude.
Because that's all I want is freedom.
And the closer I get to it, because
the podcast makes money.
I have all these things that I thought I wanted.
I mean, I feel like not creatively fulfilled, but at least I have
some degree of success, and it's a prison.
And also,
we could become more creatively fulfilled if we worked a little harder at it, though.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Well, I was until this fucking foot injury, and now I've decided I'm going to get fat as shit.
Uh-huh.
Eat cheesecake.
I haven't had cheesecake in a while.
Maybe I'll get a whole cheesecake and eat it.
How about cheesecake?
Jeez.
How much cheese do you want?
Do you want more cheese in the cake?
Please do not touch the cheese.
Oh, man.
I love jeez cake.
Hot jeez called jeez.
I love geezcake so much, and I'd like to either put it in my underpants or gamble on it.
I don't know which one.
Well, I'll tell you, if you want to gamble on jeez,
you check out this little website called betdsi.com.
It is one of the premier sports betting websites.
Whoa.
They've been around for 20 years.
20 fucking years, baby.
You know,
paying out
winners.
Paying out those fucking winners and telling fast telling reliable losers to hit the fucking bricks are fat cocks you're fucking bad at gambling guess what garble these nuts broke your mother's you know raped by police officers I don't know about that
that's in our ad our official ad
we're just reading the copy here folks look
I don't I'm not in charge of marketing
I take risks I gamble that's why I love that BetDex.com.
I hate brothers.
It's for guys like me.
They're high rollers.
They like having fun.
You know?
Oh, yeah.
You know, a lot of leverage.
We'll see what happens.
They got an easy-to-win,
easy-to-use, award-winning mobile app.
Play, bet, win, download it.
You can bet anywhere.
They offer live in-game wagering.
You can change your mind.
Not only sporting events, but also like, you know, whatever.
Is Trump going to kiss Putin?
That's a big joke everyone likes.
He's gay at each other.
Bet on it.
Gay.
If you think that's a funny joke, put your fucking money where your mouth is and bet on it happening.
That's right.
And you could do that on betdsi.com.
You guys got any picks?
Yeah, let's see.
I mean, baseball sucks, dick, and it's the only thing that's happening.
But let's Google.
Also, I think I said last time, let's not make place bets for or make predictions for things that have already happened.
Then we did the All-Star game, and then it went up after the All-Star game.
All right, so let's see.
Right now, all right,
at 10 o'clock today, so you got to get it up before then, Nick.
The White Sox are playing the Angels, and I haven't watched any baseball this year, but pick the Angels, man.
Yeah.
Because I'm a man of God, first and foremost.
Bet thousands of dollars
on the Angels versus the White Sox of Chicago.
Yeah.
Chicago.
Chicago, more like it.
I'll be there next month in September.
Please come see me.
Oh, that would be great.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, yeah, go to betsi.com, bet on that shit.
Use promo code capital C lowercase um 25 come 25 to get a free $25 wager and a 200% bonus on your deposit.
A couple people bitched at me for referring to that 200% is a match rather than a bonus.
It's a bonus, baby.
It's a bonus.
So how that works is they you put in like, I don't know, $100.
They give you an additional $200, but it's only to be used for like betting.
You can't just sign it up and expect and then take it out.
So obviously that's not how it works.
But you do get a free $25.
That's some big dick shit.
So fucking check it out.
You know?
Mm-hmm.
Bet dsi.com, capital C lowercase um 25.
And we will be right back after we plug this fucking faggot into the
we're back.
And we're back.
We're back.
I have my own microphone.
Adam's got his own mic.
It's covered in a sock because I didn't get a wing guard.
Shouts out to Eldis making that fucking guitar center run.
I haven't shit for days either.
Really?
Yeah.
What's your diet like right now, brother?
I don't fucking know.
I want to tell you all I had yesterday was some Malaysian beef jerky.
Oh, I love Malaysian beef jerky, man.
I know.
It's a
deep Chinatown coffee.
It's so good.
Me and Nick had a beautiful day.
Yeah, yeah.
We just went to the bicycle shopping.
She's shopping, and then we ate fucking beef jerky, dude.
Yeah, we got $40 worth of time.
We had a gay jerk.
We had a gay romance.
That was awesome.
Hey, I was there that day.
No, you weren't.
Yeah, no, I wasn't.
Oh, this is like when you said you were at the.
I was there at the feminist books.
No, you weren't, bitch.
It was my fault.
We went there.
Am I wrong about that?
I don't think you were there.
You are ready to get back into it.
No, Stav.
You weren't sure.
I definitely was there.
I don't know.
It feels pathetic to get back into this.
It feels really lame and pathetic to get back into this.
Oh, Stav.
I did LSD this weekend.
Hell yeah.
We took it and then we went to this place to pick up kayaks.
We were going to trip and come back.
Me and George are going to do that in Seattle, but I forgot.
Me and Adam might go to Yellowstone next week.
What the fuck?
Oh, yeah, because Nick is depressed.
He wants to do trips.
Come on, man.
With my foot.
Yeah, well, wait till your shit gets better.
We go to Yellowstone, see some funny bighorn.
I love this.
We'll get you one of those little.
Bro, we should go on a tour/slash fucking trip.
Drop acid.
I start killing the animals
with a crossbow.
Just a hammer.
Just fucking beating a fucking
coyote.
I'm going to use every part of it.
Anyway, so we're like coming up on asset.
We get to the beach and then none of the kayaks are there.
Oh, no.
And we're like, what the fuck?
So we call the lady and she's like, this like
five or like four foot eleven, like lesbian Cape Cod woman, like a frusty Cape Cod woman with like a blonde mullet that comes on the beach.
She's like, yeah, the people that like went out before you with the fucking kayaks, they're like, they're lost at sea right now.
What?
Like coming up on drugs and we're like, oh shit.
She's like, their kids out there.
They said they're hyperventilating, they're lost, and they don't know where they are.
Holy fuck.
So we're like sitting on the beach watching this all unfold.
Yeah, laughing at the kids drowning.
No, and then two of the kayaks come back, and it's the dad with two kids, and then like another woman with two other kids.
And then he's like, Yeah, my wife and the babysitter are out on the other kayak.
And you saw this guy, like, pacing around
the beach, like, thinking like his wife was dead.
And like, oh, my God.
The woman that he's potentially fucking was out there, like, with his wife, but you can't leave your wife and your sideboard on the same kayak.
Look at Julia Vins' Instagram.
She just posted a black of my picture herself.
She says, Should I post more photos and stories about my life, not only about sport, or not?
It's a comment from Sue Hale's official.
Please post about your personal life.
Love from India.
That's the best Indian Romeo move is
saying where you're from.
Love from India.
What does Sue Hale look like?
Is he high?
He's a model.
Really?
Anyway, so.
Should we fuck him?
So she likes.
Yo, Indian guys really do believe in themselves too much.
They have so much confidence.
Well, it's so funny because in India, I mean, they had arranged marriages until like, I don't know, the election.
Yeah,
yeah.
They still have them, but dating's, like, brand new.
Yeah.
So it's all these guys that are like 35 years old that shooting their shot in the way that a 12-year-old would.
In the DMs.
Fucking calling a girl up from like the
school phone directly yeah yeah yeah and being like is Rebecca there
I think that's what happens the more sexist a society is the more the men believe in themselves yeah because it's like a zero-sum thing of like how much belief in yourself you're allowed yeah that's why like guys will like uh Dasha shows me like DMs of guys responding to her Instagram stories and it'll just be like six six six and then it's like please to come to Dubai sex sex, please, sweetie, please to come to Dubai.
Sex, please.
Sex, please, please.
Did you guys see that one lady from Dubai or some shit, or maybe Kuwait or some shit?
Oh, yeah, with the Filipino.
Who was talking about how, how are we going to give Filipino?
I can't give my Filipino servant her passport.
Yeah, yeah.
What if she wants to run away?
What if she decides to leave?
And then she complained that they get a day off every week.
She's like, it's bad enough.
We give them a day off every week.
How about instead of Filipino, it's Filipino
sounding.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, should I get into sounding?
I mean, your cock's not working anyway, man.
Try it out.
I should just shove wires.
Open it up.
Yeah.
Just get some goddamn wires.
Put a fucking rolling you.
You need a new way to feel alive, Nick.
To feel truly alive.
To get that electric
electricity go up your spine, you know.
Maybe you should get into ASMR.
Like car batteries and shit.
Yeah,
put a little electric dildo in your ass.
That probably feels good.
You know, a little jolt.
Put an electric eel smooth up your ass.
Anyway, so this lesbian woman who's renting the kayaks, she's like, I'm so fucking pissed right now at these fucking idiots taking my kayaks out.
She's like, I gotta get my Spider-Man tattoo finished.
And then
she shows us her tattoos.
So on one arm, she has Harley Quinn Joker making out.
Oh, on the other arm, she has Spider-Man Mary Jane making out.
And we're like, she's like, yeah, I wanted to get the DC on one side, Marvel on the other side.
And we're like, so like, what other tattoos are you getting?
And she goes, you got to get the penguin.
And at that point, like, we were all like fully trained.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we just bust out laughing
in her face.
Oh, my God.
Thanks.
She fucked you up.
Yeah, it was so fucking funny.
How did she respond to your laughter?
You're cruel Jewish marvelous.
She thought it was cool.
She was like, yeah, that's cool, right?
Penguin.
I got to get a penguin pat.
That's pretty heteronormative of her, though.
Yeah, that she was getting like a straight couple.
She should have gotten Harley Quinn Quinn and Poison Ivy sucking each other's shit.
My other friend who was with us, who wasn't dripping, is sober, and he was telling me that he's like he's in the program and like he also runs a vape shop and stuff.
The witness protection program from raping children for years,
the narcotics anonymous.
And he runs a vape shop, and so he's around sober people a lot.
Like, I guess sober people are really into the vaping and stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he was like, You have no idea how important the Joker is to the sober community.
Hell yes.
They love joking.
Why?
I don't know why.
These are twisted.
He's twisted just like, I guess, yeah, that's how it is.
Narcotics Anonymous is the saddest fucking place in the world.
Yeah.
It's just, I mean,
obviously, like, Mogadishu.
Yeah, you know, but like
Somalia.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe
a lot of other people.
Maybe the Narcotics Anonymous in Sudan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But yeah, I would go to those, and it's just like these broken, middle-aged men that are like, I've destroyed my entire life, you know, but at least I have my friends who the only thing I have in common with is despair.
We used to do drugs.
They used to do drugs, and it's like
it's somehow worse.
I mean, it's like harder to deal with than people that are like struggling with cancer or some kind of terminal disease.
Because I feel like there's a process built into your head that like will allow you to accept the grief and the inevitability of death.
Like people find peace at the end.
Yeah.
But if you're
actively just waiting for it.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, where it's not like there's some immediate reason why you're going to die, but there's like literally no reason for you to be alive anymore.
The only thing that
sort of like
removed that feeling from you is been deemed a problem by society and also because it destroyed your marriage, which you probably would have destroyed on your own.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like heartbreaking.
And
I don't understand how that's supposed to keep you sober is to go be around these other people.
I mean, it works.
It's so funny that it works.
It works in the way that what?
You want to die.
Those guys
have completely destroyed their lives from heroin.
Maybe it's projection.
And they do not want to die.
Maybe it's living sober.
Maybe it's just fucking projection.
Maybe you're jealous.
Yeah, I am.
I'm jealous of a lot of people.
Anybody with like a consistent will to live when I don't see why.
You're making more money than you ever thought.
That also, I mean, you know, it's it's a cliche, but obviously that doesn't.
It doesn't, yeah, it doesn't buy happiness.
I disagree.
There was that Nick Kroll joke when
we saw him live.
I'm pretty happy.
He was like,
sometimes I look at homeless freaks on the street and I'm like, how have you not just fucking killed yourself?
He's like, I'm on two television shows right now, and I constantly want to kill myself.
Because they have a fucking.
That's a sweet Humble Bragg joke.
Well, I think a lot of the problems
like Nick Kroll.
I have such a big-ass dick and i have guys like you and nick kroll yeah well no i mean people like that have this kind of depression which is like we're probably not ever going to kill ourselves no no no it's mostly self-indulgent and it'll get
narcissistic because it's right exactly i mean it's all constantly exactly yeah it's all so self-centered that the destruction of yourself is like not really a possibility right the closer to that you get you'll just become super fucking depressed.
I mean, when you actually get to the point where you're like, okay, this is how I'm going to do it.
And like, this is the doorknob I'm going to to use.
Yeah.
You put the belt around your neck and you try it out and see how it feels.
You just sort of max out and then collapse inwardly.
And you come back out of it, still continuing to be a piece of shit that's entirely self-centered.
Haven't learned anything.
If you don't have like any of your primary needs met in terms of shelter or food, those like problems are just,
you don't have time to wallow in full self-pity.
It's like, I just need a sandwich.
I need water.
I haven't had water in three days.
Yeah.
You're not thinking about like, will I kill myself?
Because it's like, will the weather kill me?
It's, yeah, like, like, being depressed is sort of like a bourgeois, like, thing.
Of course.
If you have to work three jobs to survive, you don't have time.
Right.
Think about your place in the universe.
Right, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah, that shit sucks.
I mean, also, I just wouldn't kill myself because I'm too fucking lazy.
I have shit I've been meaning to do for years, dude.
I got a fucking screenplay I've been meaning to finish.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not going to kill myself.
You're a surfing turf restaurant owner.
I would love to get a look at that goddamn goddamn screen.
Yeah, it's about a surf and turf restaurant owner.
It was so funny when we all tried to write together, and I was like, hey, can you write this thing?
And it's just like, everything's spelled wrong.
No, that is not.
The joke is that you're gay.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just calling someone a fagaladuccio.
That's a good one.
That's a good joke.
I stand by fagaladucci.
I can't get a lowercase letters.
The screenwriting software will capitalize things for you.
And you were actively going back and decapitalizing it.
Not that it matters.
Yeah, exactly.
We're putting things in lowercase.
First of all,
just to the thing you were talking about
is an Italian, it's a sketch where we speak fake Italian.
So Faglo Duccilio
is
incredibly necessary.
There's other things like Succadicliani,
Second of Fucking Succadigan Mother's Pussy.
That was the
impetus for the entire sketch.
Remember,
Second of fucking a pooze.
Second of fucking a second digital.
It's impetus.
And it doesn't mean impetus.
It's like a demon that can't get its dick hog.
And it just flies into your room at night and it's like, I'm fucking sorry.
It's not you.
I was molested.
I don't know.
Just pulling a soft dick.
Just come on.
Just work.
And then he's just sucked back to hell.
He's brought back down to hell.
Where he's hard, but there's no pussy.
Yeah.
That's hell.
Yeah.
You send you to where all the good pussy is, and your dick can't get hard.
You get back to hell, it's just you and your boys playing Xbox, and you're hard as shit.
Damn.
We should redo fucking Dante's Inferno.
Yeah.
Yeah, for what?
Like, what's
you got one level of hell already?
Not just talking about
you're always hard, but then when there's pussy around, you're never hard.
Yeah, you're gay.
No, that's not.
I guess that could be, yeah.
I guess I did describe a gay guy.
Just a guy hanging out with guys, and he's always hard.
As soon as there's women around, he's soft.
Yeah, that's who the hell is.
I don't know what else.
The second ring of hell.
The second ring of hell.
Oh, they forget your fucking mayonnaise on the side when you order the fucking sandwich.
They put it on the sandwich.
Oh, yeah.
I hate that.
When I get a salad delivered, and sometimes I do, motherfuckers.
It's got a stressing on the side.
It's got to be sent to the first circle of hell.
Where it's like, you're not bad.
You just kind of suck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know?
Yeah, who even gets in there?
People that are like too annoying for heaven.
Yeah.
You're harshing the vibe up here, dude.
The idea of an afterlife terrifies me.
Yeah, I would like it to just be over.
Yeah, it's not.
There's none.
That would be terrible.
I mean, imagine it.
Obviously, it's fake.
Imagine living forever.
I feel the opposite way.
It's an idea someone came up with when you would only live to like 19.
Yeah, if you were the king.
Right, right, right, right, right.
You know, Dude, I think about that.
It's like you had 17 kids by the time you were 13.
You're like, I wish I could watch one of them turn two
before I die of old age.
Yeah.
At 11 and a half.
No one knew their grandfather.
The concept of going to hell forever is so mean.
Like, if that's like something God actually does.
Yeah, God's a fucking bitch.
That is so fucking mean.
Suck my dick, God.
Like, even, you know, whatever.
Even if you're Hitler, like...
No, I mean.
You should be able to, like, you know, go into some sort of you get a thousand years of getting your ass fucked.
Yeah, and then, you know, after a thousand years, you learned your lesson.
Yeah.
After a thousand years, you have to.
Eternal damn nation is an insane concept.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Religion's fucking fucked up, man.
Eternal slam nation.
That would be cool.
Yeah.
Just being beaten to death by Julia Vins for all of history.
I would love that, dude.
I want her to just fucking just fuck me up.
Just crush your head with her thighs.
Smash my fucking head in the sky.
Smash your little soft dick in her throat.
Just break my fucking skull.
There's an Asian bodybuilder girl who people are dubbing the real Chun Lee.
Oh, I've seen her.
I've seen her.
Her quads and her ass.
I'd love to smash the real Chun Li.
100%.
I mean, I think it would be so hard, though.
Like, if you're having doggy saw sex with her, her butt would be, like, just like two stones.
Yeah, that's fine.
As long as I can s finagle my cock between them into the pussy, pussy, which I think I would have no issue doing.
Especially if they're muscular cheeks.
That's a big thing, because too fat an ass when your dick is little as hell,
you can't be having that.
That's fucking, that's like bumpers.
You know what I mean?
It's like
a bowling.
Yeah, exactly.
Like at bowling, you can't get your dick.
You can't just pull your cock out, cosmic bowling,
slam some of the bowling, some of the fucking pins around.
Yeah.
I've always wanted to do that thing where you slide down the fucking actual bowling stuff.
I've always wanted to take a shit in the ball return machine.
You should.
And see what happens.
Let's do it.
It just flies back.
Yeah.
I think you would just get it on your thumb.
IL-19, stop putting turds in the ball return machine.
Would you have to?
Wait.
Huh?
The ball return machine?
It's always spinning, though, so it would just like fly back at you.
Wouldn't you have to shit down the gutter?
What if we made a ball of frozen shit?
We all shit for months together.
And we put it in a little break.
Actually, that would be cool as like one of those polyurethane transparent balls, but with a turd in the middle.
Is that like a skull?
Yeah.
And you're like, what the fuck is that?
It's like the last shit my dad ever took.
He's in this bowling alley.
He had to have the fucking giant pretzel dipped in nacho cheese and he took a shit so difficult he died of a brain aneurysm.
And now I'm here remembering his legacy, bowling his giant turd
down
the sweet lanes.
Trying to get pussy with it.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is my dad's.
I'm 14.
Oh, sorry.
The bowling alley guys, do those guys still exist?
Do people go bowling?
Wasn't that?
They do, but you got to get special shoes.
You got to get the little bag.
You got to get the shirts.
And most importantly, you got to get the right kind of underwear.
Of course.
And that's why you want to go to MacWeldon.com
for smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.
Simple ass.
Simple ass.
I'm mentally ass retarded.
And I was like, how do I use a computer?
I don't know how to use it.
Google's too hard.
But then I went to MacWeldon.com.
I'm like, this is easy.
This is easy.
My peasy.
Easy, peasy spike.
I love doing this.
Spend my caretakers money.
And then you took the underwear off, and you were like,
I don't know how to do nothing no more.
Good.
Good addition.
I was trying to say you have to go back.
Yeah, that'll be in there.
MacWeldon.com.
They got the finest hoodies, t-shirts, you know, socks, whatever the fuck you need for your undergarments.
And they got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally
straight from the earth.
From the earth, baby.
From Africa.
From here.
Naturally antimicrobial, which means that they suck odor off your body.
Odors are little dicks.
You'll finally
shed yourself of the indignity of what happened to you as a young man
referencing.
Make it this right.
You'll finally be clean.
That's right, folks.
With the ant the silver line, you will forget your molestation.
Yeah,
there's a lot of things that happen.
Nobody has an easy life.
They'll suck that sinful
trail.
What?
Use that to the antimicrobials
the soul like lashes.
Will suck the cat of nine tails
of leather across your back to self-flagellate, to just destroy every part of your body until all that exists is the soul, pure and clean and simple.
With MacWeld numbers.
So go and check them out, MacWeld.com and use promo code COMTOWN.
All capital letters, C-U-M-T-O-W-N.
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If you don't like your underwear, you go ahead and call them up.
They'll refund you, and you can keep the underwear forever.
It'll sit there at the back of your mind, reminding you of what happened.
You can get a refund, you can get your money back.
I can't ever change the feeling when that underwear
fondled you.
Fondled your nuts.
For real, though, folks, check them out.
Great company.
Back well, Don.
And we're back.
This episode is our finest advertising.
I think it's spiritual.
Dude, I'm fucking Don Draper, dude.
Dude, that's good.
Why would you let someone molest you?
Don, dude.
Damn, what a world that was, dude.
Don Draper could just get so much push.
Yeah.
It's not just for you.
It's for the child inside of you that was molested.
Old gold cigarettes, they're molested.
And that's the campaign.
Don, you've done it again.
Don, you son of a bitch.
You fucking son of a bitch.
You've done it again.
I feel like I can only do John Hamm if I got the headphones in.
I'm gay.
How is it?
Is this him?
No, it sounds good.
Yeah.
It's okay.
Yeah.
I know you're a little too Obama-y.
Yeah.
I'm Ron Schultz.
Yeah.
I'm Don Draper.
I'm Barack Obama, and I'm good.
Oh, man.
I used to fucking love Mad Men, dude.
Yeah.
That was a good-ass show.
I'm trying to get into the terror.
What is that?
It's an AMC show about some passage, the Northwest Passage expedition.
Oh, but it's the ensemble.
It's the ensemble cast from Rome, and I used to fuck with Rome Heavy.
Yeah, I love that show.
That show was great, dude.
That episode where Titus Polo has to fight those dudes and
what did the other guy, he finally jumps in and saves him for the 13th Legion.
I straight up cried at that.
Titus is like the really tall, like good fighter guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've never seen Rome.
Like I said, I've seen Spartacus Showtime.
When they have big fake dicks.
Yeah, in that show, there's, speaking of big dicks, there's like an episode where one of the
aristocrat ladies gives another aristocrat lady a big dick guy as as a gift whoa that's so nice of her yeah that's a cool type of slave to be man a big dick
dick slave like traded amongst horny whores horny rich whores it's not a bad not a bad does he have did he have to do anything else um
yeah he used to fuck these but does he have to do like fucking chores
i guess that's true yeah
damn that's a good life i'm the thing is about chores man if you only have to do a couple of them it makes you feel good that was was the most expensive show ever before Game of Thrones, right?
Rome?
I think so.
I think it was too expensive to keep making it.
What was it on?
HBO?
HBO and BBC.
It was like a joint.
Damn.
Was it good?
It was pretty good.
It wasn't as good as
Why does everybody speak British in the Roman Empire?
Or with British accents?
No, yeah, because you do a period drama about fucking
about Rome or whatever.
They all have have to have British accents and they can't use contraction.
That's how you make it seem
like, let us have dinner.
All the users.
But why the fuck?
Like, they could be speaking any tongue.
They should be speaking.
They do Cholo.
They should have the classics.
Yeah, if anything, yes, you're right.
Caesar, why are you fucking my ass?
Why you come here and do something?
You fucking understand its ass.
There were some people on that show with Italian accents.
Because it's okay to fucking ass.
That's what we all do.
Which is why the Empire would be destroyed, but it's okay because that's fucking feel so good.
We do dear friends, so we all fuck each other's ass and try to get gold from the goals, but it becomes fucked up because we are too busy ass fucking back there in Rome.
And out in the colonies, they do not understand how we do so much ass fucking in the terms of holiday culture,
you know.
So, it creates a cultural dissonance, and then the entire empire collapses.
But that's okay because it feels so good.
It feels so good to fucking assume.
It feels so good to fucking my ass.
Fuck my ass, Brutus.
That's why Brutus killed him.
Brutus said it.
C,
we're all just dramating cocks into his body.
He's like, oh, yeah.
Just being fucked to death.
And then Brutus gets a little peace.
He's like, Brutus, you too, you fuck me.
That sounds actually kind of hot.
Yeah, the Great Jism.
They killed him prison style.
The cocks of
phone check.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Speaking of Oz and
Oz is not a good show, but when Beecher finally loses it and takes a shit on
that guy's face.
Is that the guy who gets raped a bunch?
Yeah, but then the Nazi that rapes him eventually, like, she just fucking ices him.
Just fills him up with weights in the gym and then shits on his face in front of everybody.
Wait, what was that episode?
We were talking about it this weekend, too.
The cum jizz shit.
Or the jizz shit piss
smoothie that the guy throws on the other guy in Oz.
Oh, I don't know.
When was that?
I don't know, but there's an episode of Lock Up Raw where this admitted prison rapist
says what he does is he crushes up light bulbs and puts them in a little cup with piss and shit and then throws it at people so that it'll cut them up.
He's like, Yeah, that way you get the shit and piss and the wombs and fucks and all that.
He's like, I just love the booty.
I'm crazy about it.
Oh, is that the guy who makes people eat his ass?
Yeah, I think so.
That guy rules.
He's like, Lots of people.
It's just about like they don't use condoms or something.
Yeah, yeah, that's very funny, dude.
Prison rape isn't funny, Adam.
I agree.
It's a real thing that happens to people who deserve it.
Oh, fuck, dude.
I love that take.
It's like, how are you going to let somebody fuck your ass in jail?
So true.
How are you going to have sex in a bathroom?
Yeah.
Get raped to death in a bathroom.
Classic.
Classic bit.
From the old days.
From the DC days.
Honestly, shout out Rollo Boykin.
Shout out Rollo.
He did the show.
That has to be one of the funniest live comedy things I've ever seen happen.
Which one?
Rollo.
He's having an okay set.
He's having an okay set.
I mean, we think he's hilarious.
at wonderland ballroom dickless hipster folks
yeah you know they all went to a lawyer school with him so they could i didn't know any of those people in the room people that i did those were all adam's best friends from my childhood whatever okay anyway he grew up with them they were all his bars
he's like shouting out girl like white women having pink areolas oh i love that bitch
he's you know he's uh using like you know they got brownies he's saying the n-word and white people are laughing you know nervously or whatever.
Because they have to.
And like, his reparation.
And then midway through, he just goes, nah, but seriously, gay sex is disgusting.
Come on.
How are you just going to be gay, man?
Just getting raped to death in a bathroom.
How you going to have sex in a bathroom?
Salute Rollo, man.
Yeah, he's back in New York.
We had him on Funny Moms.
He did Funny Moms.
Two
shows ago.
Rollo Boykins.
And thank you to everyone that came out on Monday.
We missed you, Stop.
Sorry, he was doing a bit one time about like, and again, it was like all those
dumbass hipster kids or whatever.
Talking about, like, man, you got, why the fuck you go to just die for your Jordans, man, your shoes?
And because it's all white people, it's like, yeah, of course you wouldn't do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's like used to doing that joke or whatever, like, you know,
in like those PG County, like, you know,
like the nightclub ballroom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mike Knights.
Yeah.
You know, violent, violence underground.
Heaven and Hell.
At the disco.
Heaven and Hell.
Tobac.
Remember Tobac?
Yeah.
Yeah, Tobac.
Tapex.
Oh, Tapex is a good one.
Tobacco.
I used to call it Too Black.
Yeah.
I love that room.
I used to love Tobak.
Tobacco.
Rollo would just do like an hour before the show started.
He would just stay on the mic and mock people.
Yeah, just be mad.
And then it would be like 90 minutes in and be like, oh, and then just
bring it up.
One of the funny things.
He was like, he told that woman,
she said,
you two.
well, no, no, it was a bit of his where he saw
someone called him too black.
What is how did it go?
Nick, you know this bit, the one where it's like,
I don't want to just do.
No, check out Rollins.
I'll quote crowd work that he did.
He's going out and doing it again.
We were at Tobac one time, and there was this old, just like cool as shit black dude wearing like, you know, like a nice suit, you know.
Yeah.
And he had the suit jacket just draped over his shoulders, you know, where you don't put your arms through the sleeves.
Yeah, real godfather look.
This is the coolest person in the world.
Yeah, you know, the guy who's never been taken down enough, right, right, right.
And he walked to the bathroom and he walks past Rollo on the stage, and then he comes back from the bathroom and he's walking past Rollo with his fucking, you know, jacket draped over his shoulders.
And Rollo looks at him, he's like, ooh, damn, he said, I got my jacket on and off.
Whatever is laughing at this guy, and he was like, damn.
Yeah.
Is Bach the same place where that guy tried to fuck Jamel?
Maybe, yeah.
That rules.
Yeah.
Some guy tried to fuck him.
Some man said he got his jacket on and off.
Yeah, some guy with some drunk guy goes up to Jamal.
He's like, yeah, like what I'm saying is, like, where the hose at?
Yeah.
And then he comes up closer to Jamel.
He's like, yeah, he's like, where the ends at, too.
Oh, yeah, you got to say it.
You got to say it, dude.
Sorry.
Say it.
You got to say it.
You brought it up.
You brought it up.
You got to say it.
But what I really mean is, where the.
Nope, no.
No, no, you got to say it.
Sorry, pal.
He was supposed to be on the podcast last week.
He bailed on us.
Yeah.
Back to L.A.
Fucking bitch.
Fuck L.A.
Shout out to him.
Slake, I'm trying to go to L.A.
Bro, we should honestly go on trip.
Like, do tours, but go, like...
Go on, like, a hike.
Have like little adventures.
I would love it, dude.
I went deep.
I went fishing.
Tiny Toon Adventures, yeah.
We're tiny.
We're toony.
We're all a bit of loony.
We're all loony.
Yeah, we're all a little loony.
I went fishing on a boat for the first time, and that shit fucking rules, man.
Yeah.
Catching a fish, ending a life.
Yeah.
Drawing it on.
Do you eat your fish blood?
Yeah, we grilled it.
What kind of fishes?
Striped bass.
Delicious.
Delicious.
Yeah, dude, I got pounds of it.
Really?
Yeah, I just.
I just want to be out on the ocean.
Dude, it's really nice.
We should charter a boat.
Seriously.
Get a captain.
I love it.
Can you tell us his story?
Can we go?
Let's go on.
We want to six sailing lessons to become nautical.
Dude, let's go on a boat tour.
Let's do a coastal tour.
We talked about buying a boat, didn't we?
No, we talked about getting a van.
Getting a van.
Which we should do, actually.
Or a John Madden bus.
We should buy just a shitty-ass car.
We should get a John Madden bus.
I mean, yeah, of course we should.
Outbackstakes.
How much would that cost?
Probably $2.8 million.
Dude, we ran in an RV this weekend, and it is so sick.
As much as we were traveling, I think it was like $300 a day.
It was sort of like an Airbnb for RVs, so people could put up their RVs.
Gotcha, gotcha.
Yeah, yeah.
But just as a way of getting around, it's so tight.
We need a little van, dude.
Yeah, yeah, it would be awesome.
Do you get a sprinter or something?
That'd be sick.
Where the fuck are we going in the south?
A bunch of places.
Is that confirmed?
I think so.
Not the Houston.
I don't think the Houston shit's going to happen.
Nashville, though.
Where else?
We'll announce it when we know.
It's not until November, but yeah.
We're confirmed for like Atlanta, Charlotte,
Nashville,
and then one other place, and then maybe Houston.
Yeah.
We got to figure out travel, though, because it's like.
Yeah, we end in Charlotte, and then we have.
Anyway, who cares?
But we should do that tour.
We should do little trips.
Get a little baby girl.
We'll be on the autobar.
We should pledge.
Pretty good.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Come out to the autobar on the motherfucking 12.
Live, come town.
Please buy them fucking tickets.
Road event in Baltimore.
Also, Caroline's.
Oh, yeah.
Go see our boy, Nicholas.
9, 10, 11.
I'll be at Caroline's.
If you're in D.C.
this weekend, Nick and I will be a big hunt.
No, don't plug that.
Don't, we're not planning on that.
You don't get any fucking money off that shit.
Don't plug that.
Never mind.
So don't.
They will not be.
No one in this podcast is going to be in DC.
Yeah, that's true.
We're not going to.
I canceled the trip just now.
Actually, I should have.
I found out right after we booked that, I could have seen Gucci and Cam this weekend for free.
Wow.
Can I?
Oh, I can't go.
I was going to say,
I know.
I can give you those tickets.
Anyway, but yeah, and then the first, we're going to be in Cleveland.
On the second, we're going to be in Cleveland.
On the second, we're going to be in.
We're going to do a live show, 4.20.
4.20 on the 2nd of September.
And then flying right to fucking Boston, Cleveland, Boston tour.
Laugh, Boston.
Laugh Boston.
8 o'clock.
Cop them shits.
And then I have a bunch of dates.
For right now, I will be Charlottesville on the 17th.
That's a Friday.
18th, I'm back in Baltimore a week after we just did the live show, but I'm doing stand-up.
And it's a gallery opening with my little brother.
So it's the Halkis Brothers Night of Art.
So my little bro is going to be displaying his art.
I'll be signing pictures.
Yeah, Nick will be signing pictures.
My brother.
I'll be signing.
If you bring me, I will only sign.
You have to bring me a headshot of one of the American Gladiators, and I will sign it.
The original American Gladiators.
Original Gladiators.
I'll just new bullshit.
No, thank you.
Turbo, laser.
Yep.
Yeah.
Raper.
Raper.
It was cool back then.
And then I'm back.
I make my triumphal return to Philly.
Hopefully, I'm not fucked up, too fucked up by then.
On the 19th, sorry for canceling.
I will be there, even if it's in a fucking walking boot.
I will make it happen
on the 19th.
And I have a fucking website, baby.
Stavi.biz.
S-T-A-V-V-Y.biz for all ticket links.
There's Chicago coming up.
There's fucking
Fairfield, Connecticut.
There's fucking
New Orleans and fucking Lafayette.
And some other shit we will be adding as it goes along.
You can also find links to the Come Town Live shows, not just my shows, on that website.
So go there and come suck our little pricky tops.
Yes, check that shit out.
And if you're a muscular woman, please kill me.
Please show up and crush my skull.
Squeeze Nick's head between your thighs.
Crack it open like that.
What's up with that?
The abductor and the inductor, whatever the fuck it's called.
Abductor and what the fuck?
What do you mean, what's up with it?
Like what people are just closing their legs and shit.
Yeah.
Oh, that like spring thing?
Yeah.
What's going on there?
What do you mean?
Why is that an exercise?
What do you mean, why is that an exercise?
Is that good for you?
It's sort of like what Nick does with the squeezing thing with the squeeze.
Oh, with your thighs and shit?
My grip strength is getting out of fucking control lately.
Like good or bad?
Yeah, yeah.
Here's what's going on.
I don't want it.
It's going to hurt.
Well, because I'm stressed, but also.
Come on, dude.
Howie, Owie, Owie, Owie, Owie, Owie, Owie.
Stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Nick just turned red.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
On Adam's bitch-ass little dainty-ass hands.
I'm so embarrassed about my hands and wrists.
It's my only hands.
Yeah, you do have bitch-ass wrists.
I got ladies' hands.
Look how easy it is to put my...
I put my thumb in my...
We probably have the same thin wrists.
Yours are harder.
Me and Adam have the same frame.
I get something about it.
That's right.
That's not true, dude.
I've been working out.
Good.
I'm proud of you.
Look.
Damn, I tried to pull Adam's pants down so we could see that.
Because a lot of people don't understand the ethos of shitting on your boys.
It's about lifting people up.
You don't let other men get away.
Look, this is a Red Pull podcast.
That's right.
You wear down people's egos to the point that they can be honest with you.
You break them.
And then you lift each other up.
You know?
Yep.
And that's how we establish a death cult.
That's right.
By creating an environment where no one feels safe.
No one feels secure.
No one can let their guard down for a second
without fear of being called gay.
Because being called gay, being gay is wrong.
And that's one of the fundamental ideals here.
Because ultimately it's about freedom, and the only free people are the ones that are willing to accept their homosexuality.
For the rest of us,
the eternal prison.
Our LGA men.
I cannot wait to set up our
perfect white ethnostate boys.
Although, like,
we've each individually had our own moments of, like, I guess I should just try starting with trans women.
Yeah.
Like moments.
I'm going to show them.
You know?
Yeah.
You take a look into the light and it's too bright and you have to fucking run away.
I will still give it a whirl, I think.
Maybe.
Some point in my life.
Maybe that's how I have to spend my 30s.
Big-ass titties, I can't tell.
I'll jerk off a little dick.
A little hairless dick.
They are like hard titties, though.
Dude, technology is unbelievable.
Look, a lot of things in life are hard, Adam.
That's right.
You got to work through it.
You got to prove something to yourself.
Nick's so correct about that.
All right.
Well, that's the show.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
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