Ep. 114 – back to normal

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Yeah, baby.

Hello, and welcome to fucking Come Town.

Let me set a timer real quick.

Set that timer, young Nicholas.

Oh, fuck.

Talk for a second, while I'm here.

We're here, motherfuckers, in beautiful, sunny Astoria, Queens.

I'm still recovering from an unidentified bottom lower foot injury.

It's not planter fasciitis?

It's probably planter fascia.

I got an MRI.

I paid $250 out of pocket.

Not a bad deal for an MRI.

But it's been like four days and I haven't gotten any results and I paid cash.

So I wonder if I'm being robbed.

Yeah.

The good news is I think the benzos worked for me.

Aside from a little hiccup today where I had to repeat the word simple over and over again and chew on an extension card for a little bit.

I'm back to normal, ready to podcast.

And I think we learned an important lesson

that you never need to see a psychologist for any reason.

The will of the human spirit will rise you out of

the pyres and back to normalcy.

That's right.

Once you're free, the.

Yes.

Nick's wearing a full suit of armor right now.

A full suit of armor filled with shit to the brim.

It's a good thing that it's coming out of the little holes on the fucking

thing you lift up the part.

Yeah,

it's filled to the brim with shit.

And I'm saluting all of my comrades out there.

No, yeah, I didn't learn my lesson.

I won't go to the doctor.

No, I guess I have an appointment Friday.

Currently, I've now convinced myself

that they're going to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder, which I have no interest in having because it's for bad women.

Yeah,

Pete Davidson.

I guess and Pete Davidson.

And yeah, that's like a death sentence.

Because that one's like, if you get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, the psychiatrist is basically saying, like, yeah, you probably should kill yourself.

You're a really society.

You're a really bad guy.

I think that, you know, we are

lay people and we should wait to see what.

No, I think wild speculation is better.

I think wild speculation is the right answer.

Yeah.

You probably have some other shit that you don't even know about.

Yeah.

Something even worse.

What's worse than borderline personality disorder?

Borderline being gay.

Not borderline.

Hella over the gay ass line.

Yeah, it's almost across the line.

Very across the gay line.

I don't think I have it, though.

Because I've always been able to

handle criticism.

I think that's a telltale sign.

I also don't get clingy in relationships.

So that's not something I really worry about.

But I don't know, man.

These fucking mood swings are wild.

Like, I don't know.

We should get you a gimp.

I don't know.

I mean, it can't be like a bipolar thing because you shouldn't.

I don't know.

Today in particular, I was like, fine.

Now I feel fine.

I feel like I feel absolutely fine, but I started thinking about something too hard, and then I had to just repeat it over and over again.

I saw a guy peeing on his door.

I saw a guy peeing on his door, and then I saw that last week.

And it's like, well, why is that happening?

But it's not, yes, actually.

Yeah, it is sort of a simulation thing

he's living in.

Yeah.

You're on a new wave.

You're on a new crazy wave right now.

Oh, yeah.

It's not wanting to kill yourself.

It's

you were literally saying that you think, what is it that the world is an experiment about emotions or something?

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah.

Just a big experiment to see

where people's heads are at.

You know what you need?

You need a magical Negro.

You need like a Bagger Vance-style, like, old ghost to come visit you and

reassure you, tell you everything is going to be okay.

You just kick down the door to the homeless shelter.

Where are the magical Negroes?

You, sir, come with me.

My name's Diarrhea.

Well, I need you to guide me through this simulation.

Nice, brother.

Yeah, no, I mean, I don't get it.

And it's like, I do, you know,

I don't know.

I mean, you know,

it is kind of embarrassing to talk about these things.

Yeah, but I think you are being very brave and open, also.

Thank you.

Thank you for saying I'm brave.

I think you're a coward.

I do think, yeah.

I think you're a bitch ass.

Well, it is.

It is gay, and you should be embarrassed to have mental problems.

I am.

I mean, yeah, I am.

I mean, I should be humiliated.

The trap that I got shame in it.

Well, I posted on Instagram because I didn't want the people that message me that are like, I tried to kill myself nine times this year in the podcast.

Tell me, I don't want to ignore them.

Right.

True.

You know, because I, like, for me in particular, and I can only assume people listen to the show, it's like

disgusting to be sincere.

So if you do that and you're met with, like,

you know, just being brushed off or whatever, it's like it would suck.

So, sure.

But now it kind of backfired, and there's all these people expressing concern.

and I don't like I don't want to turn into one of these like

guys whose identity is like just mental health bullshit because it's like it's so easy to do that and it's lazy and there's so many like not so many but I mean uh there's specific people I'm thinking about where it's like yeah you're listening to like yeah the like being depressed podcast yeah anxious hour doesn't help that I'm not in my kid man

yeah like being depressed is like yeah it's like you know it it sucks, but, you know, like, yeah, like, just doing it.

It's my body makes me feel better.

It's my whole life.

So, like, you know, even when I'm not depressed, I'll talk about being constantly depressed because that's how we sell ad reads.

Oh, that sucks.

Yeah, you can't even be happy because the fuck you're doing.

Because it's all right.

No, because it's like, I mean, I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm sure people

experience depression to the extent that it's like unrelenting and it lasts forever.

But like, those people probably kill themselves.

Yeah, they don't do podcasts.

They don't do a podcast where the whole thing is like, so happy to be depressed again today.

To tell everyone how fucking depressed I am.

So it's like, you know, what I find depressing, going to the post office.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stamps.com has helped my depression.

Right.

Well, especially if you're like in a public position, it's like, it's because it's ridiculous.

I just posted this one message to be like, hey, yeah, I feel like shit or whatever, but like, thanks for reaching out.

And then it's just like inundated with messages from people being nice or whatever.

Yeah, because people care about you.

Well, people care about each other in general.

And I mean,

I mean, I think that people are.

Okay, sure.

That's not the point.

I'm trying to like, people care about each other in general, and like it's a nice thing to say.

But like,

it's like very easy to use that and have that turn into like a positive feedback thing and then just be perpetually like, I don't know, just

a self-pitying piece of shit and turn that into your whole identity.

Needing some love.

I don't think that's what you're doing.

I I don't think it's what I'm doing, but I'm saying it's like

disgusting.

Yeah, I know.

Well,

I'm a grant.

I'm always worried about my appearance.

Everybody's worried about their appearance all the time.

Anything I say that involves everybody just means me and me in particular, and I project it onto everybody else.

Everyone does.

No, I actually.

No, you just talk over people and don't even listen to what they're saying.

You talk over people too, you piece of stuff.

Yeah, but I listen to what they're saying.

I determine that it is not worth listening to, and then I say what I have to say.

Yeah, he's doing it because he doesn't care about them.

You're doing it because you care about yourself more than them.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

That's the difference between me and you.

I care about them,

but only to the extent that I want to interrupt them.

Yeah.

Say your shit.

Listen, well, anyway, guys, the point is, you have nothing, no one, everyone that's expressing their concern, you have nothing to worry about.

Nick is now communicating with a metaphysical spiritual being that is guiding him through his journey towards becoming the Yellow King, and we're all proud of him.

Yeah, I was getting upset earlier today that I can't be God.

Yeah, he was saying that to me, and he was like, Hell yes, he was pissed off at this level shit.

He was pissed off in his air conditioner.

I cannot wait till you cancel last minute this fucking thing.

You're like, I'm sick of my fucking air conditioner, dude.

I wish I was God.

This air conditioner is fucking with me.

It would be cool to be God.

You do anything you want.

What's up?

You have a piece of cake that's

I don't want to do anything.

yeah that's what god's up the motivation bro but it doesn't taste like cum because you're god yeah it tastes like the best piece of cake you ever had in your life the motivation to be god isn't to do anything it's like i don't when i'm like losing it i really don't understand like

what is holding everything together in my head like i don't like when you're not like all the things all the normal all those dumb pot thoughts you have it's like yeah there is no meaning in life you know like what does it matter it's like suddenly those carry like an emotional weight yeah.

And it's like, yeah, why don't I kill myself, you know?

Yeah.

And it's not that even I want to die.

It's just like, why not?

Like, what?

Who cares?

Like, how do you not thinking constantly that you're going to die at some point?

Yeah.

And you sort of just, you're just like waiting for it to happen.

Yeah, it's, it's really sad that that happens to everyone.

What does?

That we all die.

Yeah, it's fucked up, dude.

It's so gay.

It sucks.

And then you're afraid of it happening.

Everyone's constantly afraid of it happening, which is kind of the only reason you do anything.

It's the opposite.

So we just all live in fear.

No, it's the opposite.

I think people are constantly telling themselves that it's not true and they're not going to die because otherwise they wouldn't be able to get out of bed.

That's still fear.

It's denial.

Of course, but it is denial.

And what's fucked up is the longer you're going to be.

That's the way people work.

The more fucking ugly you are and loose your fucking skin is and shit.

Well, for some people.

And frail.

No, old people.

No, the rest of us, we get like hotter until we're like 35.

No, no, no.

I mean 35.

I mean, well, first of all,

I'm going to be fine because my body gives me nothing.

So I'm ahead of the curve on you, motherfucker.

Yeah, your body's pretty close to me.

In a way, that's like being God.

I am God.

Yeah, I'm closest to God.

I'm a demon.

That's actually what Buddha was.

He was this really fat guy that was like, I don't even care about my corporeal form, dude.

I don't care about my buddy.

I'm going to get fatty shit because it's all about nirvana.

Yeah, it's all about nirvana in my brain.

You get sucked by that piece of cake when you become God.

Wow.

Who would have thought Stav is the most enlightened out of all?

Damn, brother.

And here's another point.

That's two now.

You can start wearing diapers.

Soon, brother.

Yeah.

Give me another week.

If this MRI doesn't come back with good news, like I'm keeping it together right now, but I am.

If I can't start walking soon, I'm going to.

I had a dream that I was just walking, dude.

Just walking.

I wasn't going to go.

You're going to be waiting in line.

I literally got up to go to a fucking glass of water, and halfway in the dream, I realized my foot hurts, and then I just collapsed, and I woke up.

I had a dream Zachamiko had a vagina and he was masturbating in front of everybody.

And I was like, Can you stop doing that, please?

Can you imagine how bad that pussy would smell?

Zach Amiko.

Well, it's because I was taking fake blood.

I've been taking 5-HTP because people recommended it.

And actually, you know what?

I do think it helps.

What's 5-HTP?

It's like, what, raver's?

It helps, like, because honestly, I do think that most of what.

It's like a vitamin.

Most of what's been going on.

Like, I do have periods of hypomania or whatever, where, you know, like with getting obsessed with pedophiles or whatever the fuck.

But I really think, like, I was overstimulated at Skank Fest and, like, whatever that bullshit thing that got stuck in my head about, like,

like, why do I give a shit whether Kilstein?

Yeah, sure.

Like, like,

I don't think it was.

Looping back around on that over and over again.

And then that night I did, like, way too much cocaine

and, like, just burned out.

Yeah, we were laughing last night, me and Nick, about how both of you guys got injured at Skank Fest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I hurt my brain.

Nose injury.

I hurt my nose.

No, I did.

I did way too much Coke that night, and it was like...

We should sue Lewis.

I was already...

It wasn't Lewis's fault.

We have a case.

We have a Coke elsewhere.

We have a case.

I think I just fucked up my serotonin.

Also, I got like food poisoning that night because I'm pretty sure someone tried to poison me.

Bro, we got a case here against Skankfest.

They're trying to take us down.

They're handling it.

Fuck baby James's fucking bullshit project.

Yeah, Lewis.

dude.

Pay for me to get a biomic foot.

Pay for Nick to get a fucking beautiful gold nose.

He can't smoke cookie skin.

Nice golden nose.

That would be great.

It's impossible.

The cook will slide down.

Oh, that's good.

That's a good idea.

See?

Yeah, and Lewis's son can go to fucking public school and get stabbed.

Who gives a fuck?

But

anyway, boys, thanks for coming.

I hope.

Are you guys doing anything after this?

We should fucking just kick it.

I have to go to this.

Come on.

I could kick it for a little bit.

I got to go to the gym at some point.

Okay, kick it, brother.

I've been waiting for you to ask to hang for months.

I didn't want to say anything.

He's been asking us to hang the last three times we were over here.

I did.

I have loved.

Me and him.

Abby and Abby came and had a little lunch.

It was great.

It was nice.

Yeah, I mean,

yeah, we played a little Mario tennis.

Dude, that game is fun.

I don't like it because I'm not good at it.

It's easy.

What are you talking about?

I don't like it because I'm not good at it.

It's for babies.

Bro, exactly.

That's why I'm not good at it because I'm not a baby Bowser.

Baby Bowser.

Baby Bowser.

Me too.

That's my point.

Because his wingspan is really long.

I love Baby Bowser.

Yeah.

Honestly, either him or Waluigi.

I like the defensive players.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a defensive mastermind.

How about Ha Luigi, right?

And he's the Joker Luigi.

Ha ha ha, Luigi.

See, I'm back, baby.

Riff City.

Riff City all day.

Let's get a couple jokes.

You think this fucking brain bullshit's going to keep the boy down?

No.

Fuck no, dude.

I'm not leaving you guys.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

We got to go on tour.

Dude, honestly, this, us getting fucked up.

You know what, honestly, now that I say that, the idea of having to live to October for that Australia tour is just like.

No.

Don't think of it that way.

Don't think of it that way.

I don't want to be alive.

I know.

For another season.

I don't want to have to get a light sweater out.

You mean I got to outlive the pool?

That I gotta stick around longer than the pool's open.

Think of it this way, dude.

We're not living long.

We're waiting to go on adventures.

Because I think on these tours, we should literally do fun, like, dumb shit.

Yeah, dude.

Like, take days where we're just doing, like, day trips.

I want to go surf.

Yeah,

hold on.

How is that dumb shit?

That's just what you do on vacation.

Yeah, we should go.

Yo, I want to do some crazy stuff.

We're going to go to a museum.

Like, I don't know, like, fucking hang glide or something.

You've been inside for a week and you forgot that people do things.

Dude.

First of all, two weeks and I'm going crazy.

Yeah.

But yes, that is true.

But what I'm saying is we should just go, you know, have a little trip diary.

Have shit to do.

Especially if we're doing back-to-back pods and shit.

We should go to like fucking,

you know.

What's some shit you want to do?

What if I kill myself with a boomerang in Australia?

That would be cool.

I would be down with that.

I was saying, I got the money now because Adam recommended this psychiatrist.

It's a Jewish friend of his.

Oh, it's not a Jew.

I made sure it wasn't a Jew because I didn't want him to think he was getting tricked into being happy.

Yeah, this is how much thought he put into it.

That he made sure it wasn't a Jew to prove that it's not a Jew conspiracy.

Yes.

To prove how not calculating and shifty Jews are.

Instead of recommending a psychotherapist

to his friend, he was concerned with the anti-Semitism element.

Because you have to protect Israel first

instead of your dear friend who's suffering.

I know that from the movie The Departed that Freud said that the Irish mind is impervious to psychoanalysis.

You know what Freud said is that the only two people that psychoanalysis doesn't work on the Irish and people with Down syndrome.

Oh shit.

It's true.

No matter how much therapy you give them.

It's just like a Rubik's Cube.

It's just four blocks.

I love the idea.

I love the idea.

Of a guy with Down syndrome spending like...

Three green ones, one red one, and you just can never solve it.

A guy with Down syndrome spending like years in psychotherapy, being like, well, my mother was often distant, but I don't think it was to an extent that really did any damage to me.

I mean, sure, there were times when I just wanted to be a mom, and instead she would cry and drink, but I don't remember.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'll see you next week, Dr.

Clark.

And then the next week, just like my father, one time

I saw him play catch with the boy across the street, and he seemed to enjoy it so much more, and it created a deep emotional whiff between me and my father that I'm not sure was ever repaired.

And then it's like four years after that, like, well, my high school years, of course I was attracted to girls, but

I saw who they went with and I still feel like I carry that pain to this day, that even when I have sexually and romantic feeling relationships, they're not exactly veil entirely.

I mostly function as someone that was just waiting to get hurt.

And then the therapist's therapist's like, well, Mr.

Michaels,

you have Down syndrome.

That's my diagnosis.

Oh, my God.

What a woo-leaf, and he just becomes retarded.

Thank God.

I'm going to prescribe you

200 milligrams of jiffy peanut butter.

Just a little pill box.

Just

fucking Nutella.

Just

PCs in a fucking.

Yeah, yeah.

In the Monday,

W2.

It's all MMs.

Yeah, yeah.

And then

he goes, well, Monday again, and then opens the Thursday one and takes

Ceresi's PCs.

Ooga.

Yeah.

See, that's right, Nick.

You have a beautiful mind where you can just make that kind of stuff up.

Oh, yeah.

And also go to war with yourself.

I'm such a creative boy.

You really are, man.

This creative boy.

I'm going to get a water.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm going to look on him.

Sure, I would love a water.

Sorry, I can't be a good host on account of my injury.

On account of my terrible injury.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

What?

I'm sorry.

There's a new copy that I'm trying to

memorize while also talking.

No, no worries.

Listen, we'll figure it out.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I don't know.

No, I just got...

I became obsessive thinking about whether or not I have borderline personality.

God, that would be fucking terrible.

Whatever.

Who cares?

You don't have it, but if you do, who cares?

Oh, I would care.

What difference does it make?

You've been you your whole life.

Pete Davidson's smashing Ariana Grande's cheekies.

Yeah, and he's a bad person.

Well, is he?

If you got BPD, you're a bad person.

I don't know, man.

I don't know that that's true.

If you've got it.

Although, BPD, Baltimore Police Department.

That's true.

I guess I don't really judge Pete Davidson.

Yeah, he's not a bad guy.

I don't know.

If it's true that he has a 50%.

Hillary Clinton tattoo?

I judged him hard for that.

That's a tough tattoo.

Oh, right.

I forgot about the Hill Clinton.

Oh, yeah, never mind.

He is a bad guy.

Yeah, he's a bad guy.

He's a terrible.

But he doesn't have a big dick.

Yeah, he's got a huge dick, which makes him even worse.

And it must be cool to fuck Ariana Grande.

You'll give me that.

Surely you'll concede that to me.

There's a bunch of dirt in this water.

That was just the story of medicine.

I like that you can't even go get a glass of water the right way.

What do you mean?

Oh, you gave me the dirty one, huh?

My glass is pretty.

It's a glass dirty.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

It's like I like,

I hope I don't have

borderline personality disorder, and then I just abuse Adam publicly for years for my own financial gain.

And speaking of financial gain, why don't you check out gambling?

Hold on, there's a spirit coming in from the wind, the wind chop, a Native American spirit.

Oh, my name is Chief, Chief Dollar Coin, the Jewish

from the Dakota Sioux people.

Dakota SUEs.

And I'm here with an important message about gambling on the internet.

Have you heard of BetVSI.com?

They've been in business over 20 years with a strong record of paying out Jews like myself.

Wow, that sounds incredible, Chief.

Wow, what a long-standing track record.

They offer a live in-game wagering so you can change your Jewish mind whenever you like.

We do do that often.

We do do that often.

We do be like that.

They do be like that.

Yeah, betsi.com, the number one website for betting on which race is the best or something like that.

Sports games, they changed their promotion.

I guess this is, you know what, fuck the copy.

You guys know.

Yeah.

FitTSI.com.

They pay people out.

They've been around long enough.

You don't have to worry about them being running away with your game.

Exactly.

But they changed the promotion.

It used to be Come 25,

a capital C, lowercase UM25, and then you would get the free $25 wager.

But they've updated their websites.

They're temporarily suspending that.

They'll honor whoever

promoted it already, and it'll be back in the future.

But it's like they're having trouble with the $25 free promotion now.

So there's a new promo code that's come 120.

So if you listen, weeks past, you tried it out, it's not working.

So it's come 125, and you get 120% on your initial deposit.

So if you deposit $100, you have $220.

Bitch,

yeah.

So

there is still that bonus.

They're honoring it now.

Sorry.

I'm reading through this email because this just came up.

So I'm reading through the email now to figure out the details here.

Yeah, no, that's yeah, that's it.

Come 120.

So uppercase C, lowercase UM 120.

And now the promotion is you get 120% on your initial deposit.

So you put down 100, you get $220 to play with.

That's right.

And I can only assume they made that change because people are winning money on that.

Winning money, dude.

The house has got to change the rules because people are winning money.

So go there, check it out.

See if you can bankrupt the company by winning so goddamn.

That's right.

I'm certain that's exactly what they want here.

Keep gambling.

Keep gambling.

Eventually, you'll beat them.

And, you know, if anybody, if that's confusing, they got great customer service.

You can call them up 24-7, 365 days a week.

You can bet on other things.

Is somebody going to say something funny at the Oscars?

I wonder.

I wonder if he's hosting.

Be mean to our president, Donald Trump, the Oscars.

Who's hosting?

Yeah, we got Sean Spicer.

Sean Spicer.

You know that guy eats chews and swallows gum?

Sean Spicer?

I saw that shit on Twitter.

Well, hold on.

Because we need picks on UFC 227.

It's Dilla Shaw versus Garbrandt.

Oh, Stop knows about fighting.

Are those real names?

That sound like Marmaduke characters.

Dillashaw.

Garbrandt 2.

Is that his name?

The second fight.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I would assume.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a rematch.

Yeah,

the main card is...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dillashaw Gabra and then Demetrius Johnson and Henry Mighty Mountain.

Sejudo.

Mighty Mouse.

I know who he is.

He's cool.

Yeah.

Man, there's so many people I just don't know who they are.

Yeah, I would say bet on motherfucking Demetrius Johnson.

I would go Demetrius Johnson.

Because I've heard of him.

Because Henry is kind of a pussy name.

You know what I mean?

And I'll say that.

I'll say that to Henry Cejudo.

Oh, Oh, you'll definitely say that to his face.

I would say that to anybody's face.

I think that guy's probably like 120 pounds.

Yeah, he is flyweight.

And I'm going to, there's also

a gals fight.

Oh, Danielle Taylor versus Zhang Wei Li.

Oh, the Chinese woman.

Aka my wife.

My Chinese wife.

Sight unseen, I will marry.

Strong Chinese wife, hopefully to crush my larynx, kill me.

Anyways, guys, go bet on those fights.

Get him while you can with 120% bonus with promo code C-U-M-25.

That's C-U-M-25 or CU-M120.

C-U-M-120 for 120% bonus.

Put in $100, you get $220.

And...

What was that show Jack K was on?

227?

Was that it?

We're back.

Come 227, and Jack K will suck your dick.

That's the bonus.

Remember her?

She's hot these days, dude.

Who?

Jack K, the black actress.

She's pretty funny.

Yeah.

Anyways.

She was like the mom on Smart Guy or something.

Back to our very serious afternoon special about mental health.

No, fuck that.

Although I am fucking worried.

My therapist is just gone for all of August.

It was a month, yeah.

And your boy was...

I texted him up.

That one fucked me up, too.

Yeah.

I texted him.

He said some fucked up shit to me, man.

Should we go fuck him up?

I don't know, maybe.

He told me I...

I'm internally tortured because I have a secret emotional life that I don't know.

Can I tell you what that was?

I don't know.

Are you gay?

Is he saying you're gay?

I think that's what it sounded like to me.

It did.

And if he's a psychiatrist, you know.

No, I mean, honestly, what he was describing was just irony poisoning.

Oh, sure.

That is true.

Yeah, you don't know what you like.

You present the things you enjoy or the things you hate.

No, I do know what I like.

And I do know, as far as my tastes go, I don't think that that's really...

In question.

I don't know what I mean.

And there's things that I'm convicted on that don't really change.

But

I definitely, I mean, for like a lot of people, it's like you don't want to feel anything ever, for sure.

I don't know about that.

So, yeah, like I just don't feel things, and I.

Sure.

But that's a problem.

When I do, I just suppress them.

Yes.

I'm with you, but that's a real big issue.

Yeah.

Because then once you feel them, you feel them a lot, and it sucks.

Yeah.

They rush at you

and then you're sad.

We must protect this heart.

So then what you do is you eat a gyro.

For example, what you might do is have information.

Where the fuck are our gyros?

They take a while, but they'll be here, and they're very tasty.

They are good.

Yeah.

Shout out to the Beezy.

Did you tell the woman on the phone that I'm crazy?

I did.

I said, can we get one twisted style?

We got Haluigi up in the house.

Oh, I also, sorry, I told my friend Jamel, he's doing an hour.

He's taping his hour tomorrow on Thursday at the Lyric Hyperion.

Oh, go see Jamel.

Go see Jamel.

That rocks.

Yeah, I told him I'd mention it on the show.

So if you're in Los Angeles, go see our buddy at the Lyric Hyperion.

I believe it's at 8.

Go see Jamel.

And he's a very talented stand-up.

We co-sign him 100%.

Yeah, we definitely.

Sometimes when DC, when I had to follow him, I would say, give it up.

That was Black Stavros.

And then sometimes when he'd follow me, he'd say, that was White Jamel.

They are sort of like a double XL Boys of Comedy.

He's never really been a Me Too guy, but I had to follow TJ Miller at this,

whatever the stands pop-up show.

He molested you?

No, but

he did well and then I walked half the room and bombed when I was already in a bad mood.

So you know what guys we got to start we got to start removing these men from entertainment.

Everyone that's ever buried me has to go.

Only if they've done it right.

Only if they've done it right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But if you've raped and buried me,

see you, pal.

Yeah.

Hit the fucking bricks.

Sorry, I misspoke.

Jamel's show is at 7.30 at the Lyric Hyperion.

Tomorrow, Thursday, August 6th.

Oh, I'm at the Lyric Drink Berry on.

Yeah.

Go there.

Go to Jamal's show.

Show up drunk as possible.

Drunk as fuck, yell at him.

Interrupt the show.

Say racial slurs.

He's going to be a little bit more.

Call him White Stavros.

You'll love that.

Say, hey, everybody, it's White Stavros.

Yep.

That's good.

Yeah.

That doesn't make sense.

I know, but you'll be drunk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It'll be good.

Damn, I'm trying to be sober again, dude.

I won't fuck ass wild.

Maybe I should just go.

Maybe I should fix myself by not rejecting irony, but going just nothing but earnestness.

Whoa, at all times.

Be post-irony.

Yeah, go, Nanette, baby.

Nanette's not.

Well, I guess Nanette is, but most of the people, most of the people in that round.

You know what?

I'll be honest with you.

Oh, shit.

There go our gyros.

Adam, go fetch the gyros.

I'll make my point about Nanette.

Go fetch them.

Fetch them with your rubbish legs.

Nah, what a horrible.

Adam's running the way he normally does.

For a comedic effect, he's showing us his true run.

It's quite the stride.

Yeah.

I didn't know I had a gay run my entire childhood.

Well, just weird.

I run weird.

I run on my tippy toes.

I run weird, and then I had to run through the mall one time when I was working on something, and my coworkers laughed at me, and I was like, what?

And until that moment, I had never considered that people run differently.

The possibility of a weird run.

I never really considered my body or the space I take up.

I used to just dig into my ass to scratch it.

Finger inch up your ass.

No, no, I mean, over my pants, but I would like just dig in.

You mean you're fingering yourself in like school.

No, I would just, if something-ish, I'd jam my hand right in the middle of my basketball shorts and scratch my asshole.

Nice.

And it took, then I saw someone else doing it when I was like 10, and I was like, oh my God.

That's what I've been doing.

That's what I've been doing this entire time.

And I had no idea.

Damn, bro.

I had no idea.

You had none.

But I will say about

that realization a couple weeks ago that Cameron Esposito probably hates it.

Yeah.

And then realizing that that's true.

I've since found out that that is true.

Nice.

How does that make you feel?

Well, I guess it like answers like a lot of

the things that kind of made me upset with woke art and like woke bullshit over the last couple of years.

Because it was like, I don't know, all that like

blog feminism got popular in like

And I've always just been a comedian.

I didn't go to school.

My entire adult life, I've been a comedian.

My entire world has been comedy.

And comedy is a very stupid world built of dumb people.

And so there was none of that.

There was none of conversations about identity politics or whatever.

It was just comedy.

Yeah, seeing if you could do well in a family.

And then that Hitchens essay came out, and then that's when like wokeness sort of stuck its head into the world of comedy.

Yeah.

And then it ramped up.

Adam, can you lean back so I can see my co-host when I'm speaking to him?

Can you pick that up and not open the food on the floor?

I'm just trying to untie the bag.

So just do it on your lap.

Okay, I'll do it on my lap.

The couch is disgusting.

It's funny.

I'm just kidding, buddy.

Do it wherever you want.

No, I didn't want to.

No, I'm not kidding.

I didn't want to look at stuff.

I'm just joshing you.

No, you know what I'm saying?

I was just doing a little.

I'll sit wherever the fucking stuff is.

I was doing a little bit of dark.

Don't just see.

Nah, see, Nick, that's bad.

It hurts people.

I know.

It does.

It's going to be so funny when Nick gets fucking diagnosed with what's the thing?

BPD.

And then you just come in.

You start trying way too hard to be nice.

You start wearing sweaters.

It's going to be horrible.

Yeah.

You're going to go like, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I just become Mr.

Rogers.

That would really fucking suck.

I would have to kill myself.

No, relax.

You'd wear sweaters and we'd make fun of you for being gay.

And then you'd become a villain.

You would become Haluigi.

So wearing purple suits.

Olivia Soprano, another borderline personality.

Yeah.

I'm fucking Olivia Soprano.

No, that is.

I changed my mind.

That is bad, dude.

You want me to live?

She tried to have her guy got.

She had to have her own son got.

Yeah, good in the flashbacks when she was young.

She was a nice piece of ace.

Well, anyways, what I was saying about all this woke shit shows up, and it's like, you're not like, you don't disagree with

the actual things they're saying, but you don't know why it bothers you.

And it's like, because it's like...

Most of the time, just inherently cynical.

It's cynical.

It's just a way to get a career in entertainment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's hard to accuse somebody of that.

You just, as a comedian, you can smell the bullshit or whatever.

And then that's like not bullshit.

I think it's not funny.

And like,

I think a lot of the points she makes are pretty stupid, but it feels honest.

Yeah.

Did you say that Picasso is bad?

Yeah, she said, I mean, that's half of it.

I agree.

What?

Fuck.

Don't come from a man's side.

Picasso, like, who the fuck cares?

Who gives a shit about that?

Putting the eyes on the side of the head?

Come on, dog.

You got to put him on either side of the side of the nose.

My man did a lot of different shit he had that blue fucking face or whatever he had some i think she was saying that she was like uh that art like uh so picasso was the one that's uh electric can he only say his own name is that yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah thanks picasso

yeah uh-huh

yep that's how big and true picasso

Nice.

See what happens when you fucking take the fries out Adam, you unpatient bitch.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Now we're eating on Mike.

Now we're eating on Mike.

I can't help myself.

You know, I need those carbohydrates to think these deep, powerful thoughts about mayonnaise.

Yeah, that was another really funny thing Nick said while he was having his fucking I had to eat like three bowls of cereal.

That's your brain like thinking so hard.

I need all these carbohydrates.

It does.

No, I mean it is mentally exhausting.

The wires are fucking firing.

Like you just obsessively think about bullshit and then you just need cereal.

Yeah.

What kind of cereal is it?

No, it's the new Cheerios.

The new Cheerios.

Cheerios?

Come Town officially endorses the new Cheerios.

What kind of cell?

I don't know.

It's like a cinnamon oat thing.

Can I say, what Cheerios?

Cheerios as a dessert cereal does not get enough credit.

I grew up on honey nuts.

They got honey nuts great, as is, but they got hella different shit, dude.

The little Applejack-type motherfuckers, the little fucking chocolate.

The tri-ones where it's like three different flavors.

Those are great, though.

Those are great.

The multi-grain are good.

I remember like the three-type Cheerios, maybe the multi-grain Cheerios.

I can't remember what it was, but the um they had like a promotion for like i think like the 96 or 98 winter olympics it would be

96 right yeah 98 98 98 was atlanta was 99 atlanta yeah it was the 96 winter olympics hot atlanta and i might be this up maybe it was 96 or whatever but they had like a uh like a medallion like an olympic medallion you could get in the cereal box and my cousin like had that medallion and he was like wearing it around or whatever and then he was wearing it and he had diarrhea and then it fell in the toilet, and then he fished it out of the diarrhea.

And he just put it back on for the brown-ass fucking splotch on his white shirt.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah, dude.

That kid was so funny.

He got in trouble for like, he flushed a bunch of socks down the toilet one time and just destroyed them.

Why?

Just because?

He just got ADD or whatever.

Respect.

I mean,

he had to carry them all the way.

Like, it's not like he had 50 socks with him in the bathroom.

He had to go to the sock jar, carry them over the fucking bathroom.

He used to have such, like, I don't know if it was ADD or what, but yeah, he would just, he would chew on his shirt compulsively, so it was just always soaking wet.

What?

That's get close to the music.

Get your closer to the mic.

Yeah.

I don't want to eat into it.

I got you.

Well, don't eat then.

That's the solution.

I like eating into a pussy.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, I know, bro.

Madame, please, can I eat into your pussy?

Resting the half of a half of a sub in a pussy while you eat it.

Using a pussy as a sub hole as a baguette hole.

I fuck with talking into a pussy.

Do you ever do that?

Only Spanish, dog.

I only speak Spanish up in that bitch.

El uno taco tres.

Soy unratón.

Soy.

Fourth meal.

Cheesy fiesta patetos.

Yo queero tacos del grande.

Damn, I love some damn cheesy fiesta potatoes.

Maybe I should just keep smoking weed.

Yeah.

It's been three days since I haven't.

You stopped smoking weed?

Yeah.

I got to cut something out.

I've been back on weed.

I love it.

Back on the tweeties?

It's been making me

a better person.

No, it hasn't.

I think so.

No.

I don't smoke all day.

What I was doing the first week was after about 6 p.m., I would take an edible just to end the day.

So I could pass out and just, like, it would be over.

You know, I'd be that much closer to having my powerful athletic body back.

I get hedible.

I get hedible, dude.

I take it.

I wake up.

Eldest is sucking my dick when I come to.

Oh, I'm sorry.

By the way, salute to Ellis.

Oh, also, I'm a damn homeowner, boys.

Oh, congrats.

Salute to Eldis.

That is insane to me.

You're a mobile.

You haven't had clothes on for a week.

I know.

I threw on a Hawaiian shirt long enough to fucking.

Last time I saw you, you were just giving me illegal dick pills and

benzos.

Benzos.

Bro, and honestly, I was thinking about it.

I have researched, like, where to get good wings longer than researched buying a house.

I just listened to whatever my agent told me.

I hope no one ripped me off.

But the good news is I have a damn fucking house now.

It's a two-bedroom?

Three-bed.

Three-bed, two-bath.

And so you have a bedroom set up there?

I have a guest bed.

Yeah, my room, my home away from home.

That's sick.

And my little brothers will be moving in.

That'll be the Halkis pad.

When are they moving in?

I think it's starting already, dude.

So sick.

Yeah.

And you have projects and shit you need to do?

Yeah, dude.

You know what we should do?

We should go fucking spend a week there and just demo shit.

I want to to knock down a wall i want to do a bunch of shit dude that's me dude that'd be

that would be a fun week give him his saws maybe after the fucking come uh auto bar show we hang out a couple days knock some walls down get our cocks rubbed it's a thought you know

um but yeah dude i'm excited to be a damn homeowner i can't wait dude have some equity you know get a nice backyard

it has a backyard become a slum lord yeah has a back has a backyard um yeah dude Shouts out to Eldis for driving me down, being my fucking transporter, my Jason Statham.

You came back in the same day?

Same day, dude.

Went down, signed the paper.

The guy that was doing the closing or whatever, listen to how random this is.

He owned the Baltimore Comedy Factory from 87 to 92.

And now he works in mortgages.

It was bizarre.

And he just knew all this shit about old comedians and shit.

He like, you know, he was telling me Tony Wood stories and shit.

It was pretty cool.

Wow.

But yeah.

That club used to be the coolest looking place, and it was so wasted on that fucking audience.

I know.

And the comedians they would book there.

Where it was in the Inner Harbor?

Yeah.

Above Baird's?

Burke's.

Burke's.

That was it.

He owned it when it was at Burke's, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was such a cool fucking spot.

Yeah.

I remember going in there and I was like, this is awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The look it had, that like cool, like, post-industrial look.

And now it's over because.

With all those like milled shutters.

Yeah, it was cool.

It was legit cool.

Yeah.

And now it's, you know know, why it went out of business?

And that, well, now it's at the fucking travel plaza.

It's next to a bus station at the best western, but it went out of business because Aries Spears, someone stabbed a body, a security guard at an Aerie Spears show over a chicken wing tab.

You know, it's nice.

It's nice to see a comedy club live the same tragic life that the underpaid comedians it employs live.

To see that happen to a club, just have everything fall apart and end up in a bus depot living in a fucking hotel.

Right by the project.

It's literally by the O'Donnell Heights project.

It's good that that happens to a club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instead of just the lives it destroys.

The actual dumb comics.

But yeah, dude, it was fucking nice.

We got a big celebratory meal afterwards.

I fucked him up with a I got a damn cream of crab soup.

Went to Jimmy Seafood.

Yeah.

Got a damn cream of crab soup.

Fucking ribeye, crab cake on the side, baked potato.

Asparagus, fuck with your boy, dude.

You want with the brother?

Told my little brothers and elders, get whatever the fuck you want, dude.

Whatever.

Daddy's buying.

You're good, bro.

It was good, man.

It was a nice day.

We should go to the Phillips in Ocean City.

I'll go.

Yeah.

We should literally do a live podcast.

I actually went to the.

Yeah, dude.

I went to the.

Oh, we did an episode already.

I was going to say,

I went down to the Eastern Shore.

I saw my grandma.

Yeah.

And,

yeah, I got some pussy.

Soft shell crab sandwich.

But it was bad.

Yeah, it was bad.

I remember that.

I filed that away as a memory to keep.

You telling me about a bad sandwich you had.

No, dude.

No.

Staying in the memory box.

Yeah.

You have no information in your head besides who fucked at meals.

It's true.

It's literally true.

That's the way I live my life, brother.

That was such a good meal I had yesterday.

And I took a beautiful shit as a result.

Because I've been eating nothing but seamless, but this was nice, dude.

This is meat, spare, you know, potatoes.

Yeah, a real

cooked meal.

A real cooked meal.

It felt good.

It's apparently it's Harry Potter's birthday or some shit guys.

Today?

Did you know that?

Harry Potter, the boy or Daniel.

No, no, in the books or some shit.

Radcliffe, what is that, English?

Is that an English name?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Usually I'm pretty good at guessing.

Fastbender, what is that?

German?

If you were a gay wizard or a woman wizard.

I'm kind of hung up on that bit now.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

Liam Neeson.

Neeson, what is that, Irish?

Yeah.

Usually I can usually pick that up.

Takira Nawasawa, what is that?

Is that Japanese?

Is it Japanese?

I think so.

Sakidiki Morimoto.

Is that also Japanese?

That's actually French.

Mole moto?

Mollimoto?

Yeah.

My genius question that I was about to ask about Harry Potter is: if you were a gay wizard or a woman wizard, do you think they would take the flying broom?

No, you could be a straight male wizard.

Do you think you'd take the broom and put it in and out of your ass or pussy?

Oh, you let it would like fly in and out.

Because the Quidditch brooms, would you do that, do you think?

I'm sorry, what was the prompt?

If you were a female or gay.

Would you let a wi-

Would you use a broom to masturbate?

Yeah, basically, would you let a broom fucking broken?

I don't think women use dildos to

write pussies?

I'm going to write a Harry Potter fan fiction

where the first 50 pages

are just the first Harry Potter book, but when that owl shows up, he fucks it.

And then that's how the story ends.

The boy lunches under the stairs and an owl shows up, and he's like, Howdy, you

just being shoved on this stair boy's cock

because he's been so emotionally abused

in that crawl space.

I think you're thinking of the owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials.

I don't think they have talking owls anymore.

No,

isn't that how Harry Potter works?

Is the talking owl?

Bring the mail.

The owls drop off like a water.

The talking owl is like you, and you will become the president of the wizards.

And then Harry goes to the train station and he jumps in front of that train.

He's got the train part down, all right.

He gets, yeah.

I took a nice little train ride yesterday.

Fuck it.

I'm not afraid of who I am anymore.

How funny it would be if I go to therapy and they're just like, yeah, you're just autistic.

All that crazy bullshit is just autism.

That's what autism is.

You're incapable of feeling depression because you can't feel anything.

You were disappointed that you didn't get to ride a train and you threw a temper tantrum for a month.

Here's a little kit to do some circuitry.

Yeah.

Go knock yourself out.

I'm like, okay.

I mean, actually, that jives more because it matches like that I don't have fear of criticism or rejection.

Yeah.

We were just talking about that with Phelix last night.

Yeah, about how autistic guys fuck.

They fuck because they don't.

They don't process rejection in the same way.

Oh my God, rejection is the worst thing.

Like, your girls like fuck off, and they're like, okay, okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

And then turns to their friend and says, can I fuck you?

Maybe I can't.

Can I fuck you?

No, that's like the only reason I was able to fuck when I was young is because you just ask everybody to fuck.

Yeah, I was so self-conscious.

I sort of liked a girl, and then I was like, I was terrified.

Oh, no, I wouldn't.

I was so scared.

I wouldn't like girls.

It would just be like, she has a pussy.

I'd be like, do you want to have sex?

Anyway,

the chief is back.

I have come all the way back from the big TP synagogue to talk to you about a new type of underwear

that

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When I'm painting Stars of David, as I prepare for war, that's what we call complaining.

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Hilda Bear and complaining that they had a two-for-one special that they didn't honor when I brought my niece for her

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Wear them anywhere.

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No, fuck you, bitch.

Usually, those guys' screams make your cock really stinky.

Yeah, right.

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Thank God they're they got a silver line of underwear that are naturally antimicrobial, which means that they suck the stink off of your borderline, worthless fucking body.

It might as well be dangling from a rafter.

Because good riddance to you, you borderline fucking piece of shit.

The people that have it that are listening to this.

I mean, I don't think there are any.

No, probably there are.

Borderline personality people are busy like threatening to kill themselves if their girlfriend leaves them.

Hell yeah.

They don't have time for podcasts.

You're right.

Yeah.

Anyways.

You don't have time to host them either.

Therefore, guess what, dude?

You don't have it.

Yeah, you probably don't by that logic.

That's true.

Thank God.

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And we're back.

How?

How?

Chief.

How?

Chief.

Yeah.

We're back, baby, and we're sucking and fucking pussy.

Yeah, dude.

Yesterday was pretty nice, though.

I felt like a prisoner out on parole.

Not even that.

I don't know.

You know when like...

This isn't the first time you'd literally, besides going to the doctor.

Yeah, dude.

Remember that Keanu Reeves movie?

Which one?

The fucking replacements when they get a guy out of prison to play football?

Yeah.

That's what it felt like for me, dude.

I felt like that guy.

And now I'm back in jail.

That was a good movie, right?

It was cool, man.

I liked the placements.

They filmed it in Baltimore, too.

Did they?

It was like in the basements.

Yep.

And they have to be gay again.

Yeah.

Like we did last summer.

They finally were straight.

And they're like, you know, that's what the twist is.

Charlie Checker is the gay clear.

But the twist is having gay sex.

Because it's sex with a twist.

The twist is it's an ass instead of a pussy.

Yeah, I'm fucking back.

I'm back, baby.

Damn.

Damn.

Yeah, I'm pretty much back.

Mullen's back, bitch.

Chewing in the fucking microphone, doing fucking solid-ass riffs, dude.

Fucking greatest comedian that's ever ripped.

What an artist.

What a loss it would be if I killed myself.

You guys are right.

That's an absolute trap.

People would be really upset if they couldn't hear things like the regasements anymore.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, you have so much to live for.

I have so much to live for.

You do such important work.

Yeah.

That's the thing, too, is like any of the cool charity work, you can't, you have there's a process.

What do you mean?

Well, doing any kind of like charity work, you know, if I want to just fuck off and like LeBron built.

If I go, like, yeah, if I wanted to go to Africa to just

LeBron, by the way.

You can't just watch a couple of female genital mutilation videos and expect them to hand you a scalpel.

True.

It takes a lot of

cut off a couple clips before they let you.

Right.

You got to practice here first.

You got to show them your own videos of mutilating women's pussies.

Yeah.

Here you go, Doc.

Does Dropbox work?

How about Doctors Without Borders, but they all have borderline personality disorder?

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

So they go to Zimbabwe and they're like...

Gaslight all the patients.

Right.

They're just screaming into

some child with a distended belly.

It's like, I'll give you this sandwich, but you have to promise to never leave me.

If you ever leave me, I'll kill you.

That's Doctors Without Bores.

Dude, that's...

Did you just do a Nick Mullen impression?

Doctors Without Boys.

No, I didn't do a Nick Mullins.

I knew who you were doing.

Oh my God.

Don't bully me.

I'm in such a vulnerable position.

No, we're here for you.

Actually, doggy style.

He just got his ass out in the.

Broadcasting is the only thing that holds it together.

You think?

It's like that.

What is that, Rodney Dangerfield?

Yeah.

Oh, that's my favorite quote of all time.

That's one of the best quotes.

That and the Colin Quinn quote about,

thank God,

how lucky am I that I get to do a thing I used to love for a living yeah yeah oh my god that's so fucking yeah but the Rodney Dangerfield quote stand up is everything everything else is shit life's shit yeah yeah relationships are shit stand up is shit yeah he's like that's it that's all there is stand up and then just like 30 seconds later he's like stand up shit

God yeah that's on the Mark Marin that's on the Norm McDonald his first Mark Maron if you guys are interested in finding that.

Oh, is it?

It's a relayed anecdote from Norm.

Yeah.

Whose book was good as shit, by the way.

It's so good.

And there's a part where he, I mean, it's all fake, obviously.

No, it's half fake.

Yeah, it's half fake.

But then there's a part where he's like, he hints at getting molested, and I don't know if that part's real or not.

Probably real.

It was wild the way he...

That came out of nowhere.

Yeah, yeah.

Just the old guy on his family's farm just fucking trapped him in his shed and fucked his ass.

Yeah.

I mean, he didn't say it that way.

I think that it might have been a joke.

Who knows, though?

Because he didn't say it.

Because he didn't do it in that over-the-top norm way.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it is very funny norm bit to just hint seriously that he was molested and never address it again.

Yeah.

That is a good bit.

Yeah.

Anyway, you know what I also was treated to watching on my way back up here was we stopped we we huh we stopped at Eldis' family's home on the way back and Albanian TV fucking rules, bro.

That's what kind of shit do they watch dude?

Yeah, I find it hard to believe that Albanian TV rules.

It's so funny.

I mean, it's horrible, obviously.

It's still like, it's still, the comedy is still like men in dresses, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

Like in makeup and shit.

But there was like Miss Albania, and it was just bikini.

There was no other part.

They're just praying around.

And there's someone, there was a,

like, Albania's Got Talent.

And it was like a highlights episode, too, by the way.

And one of the, one of the things was a kid that was double-jointed, just like

doing his elbows the wrong way.

And then there was another guy that I'm not even kidding, was just twirling glow sticks.

It was just a guy, like, twirling glow sticks really fucking fast.

And then there was someone,

someone called DJ Topless, and it was literally just some lady with her tits

DJing on television.

Do cable companies like sell the Albania TV package?

Yeah, every like, like, there's a Greek channel.

You're pairing Greek TV.

You get a lot of Greek channels now.

When I was little, all we had was antenna, the main channel.

Now you get fucking mega.

Just call it antenna.

I don't know what he has to say.

Antenna.

I didn't realize.

I literally did not realize until this instant that it just is antenna.

It's an English word.

This is so stupid.

It'd be like a story about the Latino community and the newscaster.

It's like the Latino community can't wait to open up schools for their children to attend.

Bro, I'm not even fucking around.

I did not realize it until now.

There's another one called Mega that's Mega.

Yeah.

I'm sad about my big, beautiful ass.

That's my new thing now.

I'm going to use my body to spore fear for good and convince myself I have a giant ass.

Just a big Brazilian booty that everyone can't wait to touch and dance with.

Are you going to wax it or keep it furry?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

You do have a furry ass.

Dude, I'm fucking hairy as shit.

You're surprisingly hairy.

Yeah, I remember driving down the road with with my friend, mooning this black woman.

Well, I did it one time.

I mooned somebody from my friend's car, and he became obsessed with it.

Yeah, yeah.

And he would go, Marlin, get this guy.

And you had to just moon everybody on command.

And I was doing it one time on the highway, and he was matching speed with this middle-aged black lady.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that my ass is just like in her face.

And then eventually I sat down and she goes, I want to see your white ass.

And then I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

You're just still at the same speed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then later, they saw my ass.

My friend was like, oh my god, that's what you've been doing to people?

Yeah, dude.

How about your nuts?

Are they furry?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm hairy as shit, dude.

I got a pretty hairless ass, pretty smooth.

Yeah, you do.

I'm so mad.

I've talked about this before, but our LA trip, I had great footage of your nuts.

Oh, yeah,

from

behind.

From behind

me tiny, but long.

Long?

Not tiny.

Tiny.

Tiny for sure.

But long.

Not large.

Extremely small.

They're small.

They are literally very small.

No, seriously.

I'm not even trying to be a crude or

rule.

My balls are, you know, they were very.

Normal balls are probably the size of like a mango each.

Yeah, of course.

Easy.

Easy.

An overripe mango.

Really?

For all guys?

All guys.

Everyone has a mango.

Same mango.

Come on.

Looks like that can't be a little bit more.

Green?

Yeah, I spent all day sitting around sucking on my damn balls.

My big mango balls.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

That's true.

And my eyelid can't stop twitching either.

I don't know what that is.

Potassium?

I don't know.

That's the other thing, too.

It's like, maybe I don't even fucking need medicine.

Maybe it's just I just need to go back to the gym and start taking a fucking Maltai again.

My sleep's been.

I probably need medicine.

I am like insane, but you know, I mean,

it would definitely help.

There's something to be said about just dehydration and shit and smoking a million cigarettes and coffee.

You went back to smoking a cigarette.

Yeah, I started smoking again.

I started drinking coffee.

I stopped going to the gym.

Yeah.

I haven't been sleeping.

I've been eating bad.

Yeah, you're doing everything bad.

Yeah.

But, I mean, it's a relief to know that, like, a lot of the times these things are just completely

just environmental or whatever.

You know, I mean, it's something that can be done.

You know when this all started, honestly?

When you watch Call Me By Your Name, dude,

like gay propaganda that affect your family.

No, Call Me By Your Name Name and Nanette were both two things I saw in the last year that, like, because it's very hard, again, to make, like,

something that's, like, sentimental that isn't fucking, it doesn't cross the line into being, like,

saccharin corny, which Nanette doesn't really do, but there's, like,

they're different, for different reasons, good.

But anytime I'm like surprised by something that I think I'm going to fucking hate, and it's like, oh yeah, that was actually pretty good.

I mean, it means something to me.

Yeah.

And both of those, like, yeah, now that it's...

Because you're like, there's humanity under my

sat down and I actually watched Nanette all the way through, and it's not powerful or anything, but like, yeah, I mean, so much comedy.

It's coherent, and like she's speaking honestly, and very few comedians do that.

That's true.

Yeah.

It's like, you know,

they're looking for the right thing to say in a particular moment.

Right.

Is it necessarily comedy then?

It's just like a woman-woman show?

No, it's bad comedy, but

it's good art, I guess.

I mean, not even that.

I don't have much.

It's honest art.

What it is.

It's different than every special I've seen.

And it's in a way where, like, the core of what's that man at, I don't

really have a problem with.

And that's the thing, too, is, like,

I don't like that it's labeled as comedy, but, like,

when you speak honestly on those things, if that had been done, like, the whole time, and like, kind of why I was, like, with, like, the Me Too stuff, it's like, oh, yeah, obviously.

But, like, a lot of woke posturing, again, it's, like, cynical.

It's cynical.

It's just, I don't trust it

yeah yeah sure my problem with me team movement not enough punchlines right you know what i'm saying yeah last per minute man same thing dude lpm

um

fuck dude what was i just gonna say i forgot oh i this is not what i had to say just now but if you guys you guys would you guys ever watch sabrina the teenage witch yeah yeah i fucked her you fucked i fucked her dude i fucked her i fucked her i was gonna say if you had to fuck one of the aunts which one would it be uh Caroline Ray, dude.

The big titty one.

And the other one was.

I mean, and this is, again, if I had to fuck one of them.

If you had to.

I wouldn't choose to fuck either.

And I reject any of the other.

The other one was kind of hot, too, right?

She was like, oh, oh, oh, she, she, yeah, she

had a really long neck,

had kind of bird-like features.

Yeah, I would have fucked them all, dude.

Yeah, I would have fucked Salem.

I would have fucked Salem the cat.

Salem the cat, huh?

Interesting choice.

Nah, but

wasn't Keenan from Keenan and Kell in that shit at the end?

Sabrina?

Didn't they do like a spin-off where she had like a house in college?

She went to college with Keenan?

I think so.

Damn.

That guy's career is great.

Dude, how much dick does it suck to be Keenan when or I'm sorry?

To be Kell.

Kel.

Kel was on the show.

How much does it suck to be Kel when Keenan has just like been on SNL for 20 years?

Everyone thought that Kel was the star of Keenan and Kel.

And Keenan was just biding his time.

Because Kel was doing his famous Who Loves Orange Soda routine, and everyone's like, this guy has the makings of a comedy superstar.

My man's got the fucking juice.

No, it sucks, dude.

Apparently, he's like still just going out for auditions and shit.

Oh, damn.

And he's like, you know, not really.

He was in that movie Mystery Men.

Do you remember that movie?

I love Mystery Men.

I love that movie, too.

Yeah.

My mom got that shit from the fucking public library.

You remember that movie, Nick?

What are you reading?

Wikipedia?

Uh, no, what movie?

Mystery Men.

Oh, yeah, I remember Mystery Man.

Dane Cook, Pee-Wee Herman.

That's right.

Dane Cook is in it.

Pee-wee Herman.

Ben Stiller.

Ben Stiller.

Was that Pee Wee Herman post-beating off?

Post-beating off.

Pee-wee Herman.

Salute.

The return.

Salute to my man.

Good for him, dude.

I feel like he got set up.

Yeah.

I feel like.

It was definitely a setup.

That was a stink, dude.

Fuck, dude.

I smell bad.

I got a shower.

What are you supposed to do?

I'm afraid my.

I got jacked off in a porn.

Yeah, I tell you that Viagra barely worked, but it was cool how fucking nice my forearms looked on it.

You get vascular?

Dude, I got vascular because I already have pretty vascular forearms.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But

Viagra made your shit pop

on that shit.

Shouts out to the fucking cumboy that sent me those, by the way.

Yeah.

Send me

everything.

DM me.

DM me.

I'll give you liquid sialis.

I want liquid sialis.

I want every type of prescription drug sent to my house.

I'm going down to Matt.

Also, I want.

I to get everything.

Let's go.

No, I want the liquidity.

Let's do San Diego and then go to fucking Tijuana.

Dude, honestly, I was like reluctant to get on the dick pill game because it's like, I don't want to accept that I'm just an old piece of shit now with a broken dick in mind.

I don't need it.

I don't know.

You know, I'm going all my man.

Welcome aboard.

All pills.

Welcome aboard, brother.

I want to fix it.

Nice to have you in the family.

Nice to have you in the pill family.

Yeah, just pill me up.

Get my dick card, get my mind numbed.

That's right, dude.

Give me some some pain pills.

I want to have those nice, turgid forearms.

I never noticed it would get you vascular.

But it does get my cock nice and fucking stiffed up.

I'll tell you that much.

Yeah.

Yeah, it didn't really do that for me.

Nothing really works.

Have you tried maybe

exploring that secret inner life of yours?

Maybe that's your cock problem.

No, I don't think it is.

I think I would have explored it by now

if that was really interesting.

When you were drunk as shit, you would have fucked a guy by accident if you were gay.

Never.

No.

No.

Because that came up numerous times.

No, that didn't.

My friend that was just drunk as hell and not gay did fuck get

a couple guys.

Yeah, I'm sure he's not gay.

I don't think he really isn't.

I don't think he's gay.

Dude, come on.

I'm serious.

I know the guy.

Fuck guys.

He's gay, dude.

He's not gay because he's not.

But then he's bi or something.

He's fucking a couple times by some gay guys.

Yeah, but then he's bi or something.

I mean, you're not, like, nobody's blacking out and doing something that's like just wildly out of character.

You shit on

people's doorsteps and shit.

You might not get your cock sucked and just come to.

I'm not saying you suck cock, you got his dick sucked.

You could do that on a blackout and not be gay.

Maybe sucking dick on a blackout, maybe you're sort of bi.

But getting your dick sucked on a blackout, I think that's fine.

I mean, it's fine either way.

And maybe he, I don't think, I, if I thought he was bi, I'd be like, yeah, fine.

But I don't think he is.

Shouts out.

What if I just said his name?

I think that.

The guy had AIDS, too, by the way, who sucked his dick.

And he thought he had, my friend thought he had AIDS.

From.

Can you get it that?

I don't think you get it that way.

He didn't know what happened.

He just knew he fucked a guy.

He got AIDS.

No, he didn't get AIDS, but he thought he did.

And then he asked the guy, did you fuck me?

And he's like, no, I just sucked your dick.

And he's like, nice.

Yeah, if you weren't gay and you woke up from a blackout and someone had sucked you, another man had either fucked you or sucked your dick, you would develop PTSD.

I don't know.

No, this is not something that

would so violate your sense of damage.

It's not a negative idea either, honestly.

No,

I don't accept that, dude.

If I woke up and somebody had fucked me, I would assume I was fucking raped.

I wouldn't be like, I guess that's what I want.

That's a good point.

That is

a good point.

There's no fucking way.

I guess I'm going to just not, I'm going to continue to think of myself as a

game.

He consensually fucked another man.

He didn't think it was cool.

He just said he said nice.

All right.

Well, I don't.

You know, he said nice.

He didn't have AIDS.

No, well, my heart goes out to this guy, this poor young man that was raped and

just being chill about it.

He's the chillest rape victim ever.

Oh, fuck.

I mean, I think he was raped, but I don't think it was that big of a deal.

That's my ruling.

Yeah, that's that's probably

speaking of gay guys.

Go see Nick Mullen at Caroline.

What?

Next weekend.

No.

Next month,

don't fucking say that about me.

Go see Nick.

You know, I've got a brain problem.

Nick's going to be at Caroline's the 10th and 11th.

I thought 9, 10th, 10th, 10th, 11th.

9th, 10th, 11th.

Wow, you take 10 away.

That's 9, 11th.

9, 11th.

Sick.

And then on the next day, the 12th.

The 12th, we're in Baltimore at Autobar.

Is it sold out?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Some of the people we talked to in D.C.

this weekend said they're also going to be at that show.

Blotto Bar.

Get drunk as shit.

Yellow Jamel.

Call me.

Call Stavros Black Stavros.

Black Jamel.

How?

My name is Black Stavros.

Chief Black Stavros.

Chief going to Buffet.

Damn, it's been a while, so I've been to a nice day.

Then the second.

Well, hold on, because your boy Stavros has some dates in the meantime.

Please come out and see me in Charlottesville on the 17th.

I will be back in Baltimore doing a headlining set the 18th.

What are you doing in Charlottesville?

The Southern.

The Southern?

You should do it.

Oh, is that Chris Allen?

It's a big bar.

It's a music venue.

Music venue?

Yeah.

I'll tell you how it is.

I've heard very good things about it.

A couple of friends have played it.

The only thing

I only know about it from there's like videos of this guy who's like

a fedora with a feather in it guy that does open mic comedy respect who uploads these videos i i gotta find that guy again i was obsessed with him for a while because he would tape himself uh going to show just for terrible comedy but like

then he would tape the two hours preceding the open mic and then two hours after

just of the venuer himself himself but you get this insane portrait of this delusional man

with the fedora well one of them he's like you know just hanging out in a parking lot talking talking about, like, we're going to go to the comedy show tonight or whatever.

Then he's taping other comedian sets, which are still in the video.

But it's just like, dude, are you fucking taping my set?

Like a woman saying that is like, oh, but I was helping you.

She's like, don't fucking tape my set.

And then it like cuts.

And then that's still in there.

And then like him doing his weird shit on stage, you know, like spinning around.

He's wearing a cape, I think, you know.

And then it's him hanging out after.

And then if you just fast forward in the video, he's like freestyling with a bunch of black guys.

That rock.

Yeah, and it's like, who is this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This obese dark-winged duck, GameStop, freestyling guy.

Oh, this guy sounds great.

Yeah, I wish I could remember his fucking name.

If you guys know who that is, please tell us.

If you are listening, obese dark, come to Charlottesville, man.

I'll give you a guest spot on the 17th.

But come out to that.

Charlottesville 17th at the Southern 18th, me and my little brother are doing a comedy show and gallery opening.

George Halkius, very good painter, at Suspended Brewing Company in Baltimore on the 18th at 8 o'clock.

And then the 19th, I'll be back at Philly.

Good, good comedy theater.

Come fucking.

Right now it's two shows.

Last time we did three.

If we can get, if we sell out to two, we'll do three again.

So please come out to that gang.

And then we, the whole squad, is in Cleveland on the 2nd for a live pod at 4.20.

And then flying to Boston on the 3rd.

We did not.

look into whether we should add a second show or

because we thought Nick was going to kill himself and what was the point?

Yes, but we are going to try to add a second day in Boston.

Hey, let's not close that mystery box.

All right.

Just hang on another four weeks.

But

if they tell me I got fucking borderline personality disorder, I have to do it.

No, you don't have to do it.

For the sake of the world, I have to do it.

You don't.

You're a good person.

No, I'm not.

No, even if you're not.

You are a good person, legitimately.

Let's say you're not a bad person.

Let's say you're a bad person.

You've been a bad person this whole time.

That's true.

And you've been aiding to the world with trolling.

That's true.

I have hurt people.

You're like Dexter, dude, where you're a bad guy, but it's for trolling's sake.

Which actually is just bad.

So it's not.

Dexter was for good.

All right, you're bad.

Dexter is also a TV show.

Troll

character.

I'm not a real human being living in the world.

With consequences to his actions.

Anyway, we've been waiting on these gyros for about a half hour here, gang.

So there you go.

I hope you're all happier.

You can stop asking us if Nick's going to die.

We'll be back.

But who knows?

Who knows what Sunday holds, gang?

I got no idea, baby.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Some of them, you wish we were a bullet.

You put your mouth.

So fucking true.

Okay, boys and girls, thank you for listening.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

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