Ep. 111 – The forbidden zone

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The episode begins now.

All right.

Yeah, so Adam's going to be making a coffee.

So I'm not making you coffee.

I have cold brew to offer you.

If you reject the cold brew, I'm not making you coffee.

I need a hot coffee.

I offer you

soda.

It's a hot day.

Hot toddy.

You're always complaining about how hot it is.

Hot toddy.

I like hot coffee.

It hits the system better.

It's a very hot day.

What are you going to just like inject cold heroin into your veins?

Now you heat that shit up.

I put it in the spin.

I put it in the blast chiller.

You know what I'm saying?

I like cold cum.

I was thinking about a bit where it's like

something about how when fat people relapse, it's like, there's no spoons in his house.

It's like, oh no,

is he doing heroin?

It's like, no, it's ice cream.

Yeah.

It's all the spoons.

I was trying to work on a bit about how, like,

I want to be able to hate light-skinned ass crackers.

Light-skinned ass crackers.

Pale people.

Oh, you want to call pale people light-skinned ass crackers?

It's hard to get light-skinned ass crackers.

Yeah.

No one can get mad at that.

Northern Europeans.

Right, exactly.

Yeah.

Fucking Scandinavian-ass red-bone-ass cracker here.

Yeah, yeah.

I need to be a red bone cracker.

A ginger, you just start calling gingers red bones?

Fucking red-bone-ass cracker.

I'm tired of these light-skinned ass skin, gossamer skin looking like the sock they give you to try on shoes-looking ass crackers.

Fucking skin talking about half a millimeter thick when you're light-skinned cracker.

Oh, yes, bitch.

Ruining the beach.

You little alabaster ass.

Reflecting your ass on everybody.

Yep.

Absolutely.

Bringing a whole fucking tent.

Like

you, the monster energy,

you know, sponsored

whatever thing.

Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you're the

like you're a local.

Yeah, like you.

My man got his own kiosk.

Brought a whole circus tent.

For him and his light-skinned ass cracker family.

That's what I'm going to be mad at.

I like that.

Also, another bit I'm working on about how

you can get high off saying the N-word.

For white people, we get high.

A lot of people know that.

The reason we love saying it so much is we get a little buzz.

That's why we say it so much at home.

Because we.

All of us.

And they took away the N-word from us.

What's left?

That's right, fentanyl.

Yeah.

Opiates.

And that's what created the opiates.

That's the crisis.

That's why Donald Trump became president.

That's right.

So if you don't want Trump as president, you don't want a bunch of doped-up white people voting for Donald Trump, let us blast ends in public.

I'm talking Boston market.

Just blast.

Just fucking blasting.

Boston market, huh?

Yeah.

You're waiting for that fucking little rotition chicken.

It is on the menu.

It's part of the ordering process.

That's how you get it.

N-word?

Yes.

Yeah, let me get the chicken pot pie,

the Cambridge French fries.

Oh, and boo!

What is it?

You just say it?

Oh, and I don't have to pay.

I can just say it for free.

So I can just keep saying it.

Oh, this is great.

I'm going to go vote for a progressive candidate now.

Now that I got that out of my side, that's my free love movement.

It's free the end.

Free end.

Free the end movement.

Free end movement.

Yeah, dude.

I'm telling you, man.

You let us blast ends at KB Toys.

Yep.

Just going in there.

No child.

I don't even have a child.

Absolutely.

Just go in there blasting ends.

It's out of business.

Guess who I'm voting for?

That's right.

Hillary Clinton.

Or Jim Webb.

I'll give you Jim Webb.

Hell yeah.

I'll vote for Kasich.

John Kasich.

Kasich.

Kasich goes in.

I blast two ends a day, John Kasich.

Four ends a day, Jim Webb.

Okay.

Unlimited ends a day, Hillary Clinton.

Whoa.

Wow.

Maxine Waters.

I'm writing in Maxine Waters.

If every single word I say is fullboard blasted in.

Like I got a mining company and we're going through the mountains using the N-word.

Blasting the rocks with the N-word.

Until we get to that sweet natural gas.

Hell yeah, dude.

Then you just hop that.

Yeah.

Insane.

Scientists say it's better for the environment than fracking.

But is the new N-blasting method of finding natural gas bad for society?

Dude, there's a lot of things.

I mean, I don't understand how it works, to be honest with you.

I just know it's wrong.

Look, I can't tell you, and I know that seems like liberal bullshit.

I know I'm right.

That I shouldn't just be opposed to a type of drilling, but I'm pretty sure screaming the N-word at rocks

that can't be good.

It's not good for the communities, it's not good for the people that live in those towns.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I was out of work for years, and when this happened, I just knew my calling was about to.

I've been calling my nephew that for free, and so I figured I'd do it now, and I get a health insurance plan out of it.

But the results are catastrophic.

Take a look at Centralia, Pennsylvania, a town overcomed by over-N-word.

It's unlivable now, even by white people, because it's too racist.

They live 1,000 feet below sea level now.

Every time somebody put up a building, I'll just yell the N-word.

It's fun watching it go down.

Yeah.

They're calling it N-11.

And it's the greatest tragedy since the real 9-11.

Damn, dude.

Yeah, we should harvest N-word technology, clean N-word technology.

That's like, would there be dirty and clean, right?

E-R-N-A.

That was like a deleted scene from Independence Day.

Like the aliens come, and then Bill Pullman's like, I know how to handle this.

On three, the whole world.

The whole world.

It's the general that's like, let's call them the N-word.

Let's call them the N-word right now.

Sir, I've been in this army for 52 years, and I'll tell you the answer is calling those aliens the N-word.

Let's use the N-word on them.

Why do you think we lost NAM?

They wouldn't let me scream.

Let us do our damn job, sir.

Let us do our job.

They use the N-word at the aliens.

They're like, it has no effect.

At 12 o'clock tonight, the combined military forces of the world will point megaphones at the motorship

and unleash our most powerful weapon against the aliens.

For today

is our Independence Day.

There you go.

Our dependence on the N-word.

Damn.

Very nice.

We should end the episode there, man.

I tell you, dog.

End Dependence Day, bro.

That's what the red fans are.

You're going to do 4 o'clock.

I said, let's do noon.

I'm fired up.

Imagine how much better this would be if you got me that fucking coffee.

You sound like you're pretty on all things.

Maybe it's right now.

You're going to fade.

Maybe removing the coffee from you, it makes you run on anything.

I have one.

I had one.

You mean taking it away, offering it, and then taking it away?

So you just made, you requested one for the power of requesting it.

What's in the news?

That's the caffeine.

What's in the news?

Long after vile hate crime, tending flame to fight racism.

I don't know what that means.

Oh, Jasper, Texas.

That's no good.

That's the most racist town in America.

Is that your name?

Dragging or racing?

It's either Jasper or Vider.

One of the two.

Is that where they did the dragging?

I think Vider is the one where they did the dragging.

Viter?

Yeah, Vider, Texas.

Gary Vider, Texas.

It's just the Viter just sounds like an evil southern town.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It sounds fake too.

So does Jasper.

Sounded like Darth Vider.

Darth Vider.

I love Darth Vider.

I was ashamed to find out that his voice was a Mufasa.

They used a goddamn Mufasa to do the voice of Darth Vider.

Because he was my favorite character.

The father that comes back.

I can relate to that.

Oh, fuck.

Damn.

Yeah, I uh I'm running.

I'm running.

I'm drinking coffee again, you know, because I got to get back on the East Coast sketch.

I was on that damn west coast.

I'm sleeping in, dude.

I need some.

What can I do to jumpstart my productivity?

Bring me back into the fold?

You can start.

What do you guys think?

Jacking off first thing.

You think so?

Wouldn't that make you sleepy?

Does it?

Do you go to back?

Do you jack off in the morning?

I used to, but I don't anymore.

Why did you used to?

I don't know.

Keep your day going?

Yeah.

Nice.

Jacking off first thing always.

I rarely wake up.

I'm hard anymore.

Really?

Yeah.

I wake up in the middle of the night hard.

I wake up hard, yeah.

No, I very rarely wake up hard.

That's this stopped like a couple of years ago.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

I feel like I'm only hard in the morning.

That's when I got that real nice one ready to go.

Yeah.

I like to fuck in the morning.

There's less pressure.

No, not me.

I would never.

I'm not really ever hard.

You're never hard.

Never.

What about when you're having sex?

Not particularly.

You're just hitting them with that.

Yeah.

No, I kind of fuck like I'm packing last minute for a trip.

Just jam all the jam all the clothes into a backpack.

Yeah, I like it.

You're ready to go?

All right.

Just keep that in.

And I put on my neck pillow and read my Dan Brown novel.

And that's how I thought.

That's good, bro.

It's important to have one.

Paintings were magical.

Dan Brown, the magical paintings.

Jesus is magic painting.

This painting of Jesus is actually magic.

It's black girl magic.

That would be so powerful.

A Tyler Perry slash, not even Tyler Perry.

What's the black lady that does?

Ava DuHernae?

Ava Duernernerna.

No, there's a.

Isn't that her name?

Yeah, that might be her.

It is.

Her slash Dan Brown.

Black magic, dark magic, and and dark chocolate brown

or damn brown

brown.

How brown that guy?

He's damn brown.

Did you guys see that movie with like Oprah and Reese Witherspoon where they're wearing purple and blue lipsticks?

Legally black.

Legally black.

It's not a black woman that becomes a lawyer.

Hell yeah.

She gets her permit.

She's the first allowed-to-be black person in Vader, Texas.

What was that movie, the Ken Burns documentary?

Unforgivable Blackness.

What?

What?

Is that real?

No, that's

Unforgivable.

No, it's Unforgivable Blackness.

That's a fucking Jackie Robinson or something.

Oh, shit.

Was that the name he gave us?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are you so?

Because all of the other names of his stuff aren't.

If I used to call it Unforgivably Black, I would fuck up and call it that, which sounds worse than unforgivable black.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it sounds like you're deciding to be a level of black.

Right.

You've deemed something too black to be forgivable.

Yeah.

That's got to be a quote from someone, right?

Unforgivable blackness.

Ken Burns didn't just come up with that on the screen.

Yeah, no, no.

It's something that's from somebody else.

I looked up recently.

Stupid-ass blacks, the Ken Burns story.

These dumbass, light-skinned ass.

Ken Burns is light-skinned.

Yeah, he's a light-skinned ass cracker.

He looks like

11 years old.

Even though he has that fucked-up wig.

Damn.

Is it a wig?

Look at this.

Just let that baby die.

Look at all the science going on.

No, man.

That baby doesn't want to die.

Look at all the wires it's got.

That baby wants to grow up and fuck.

It's got spark plugs.

Yeah, she's a little fucking.

What is that, like the natal ICU or something?

Damn, I hope I never have a kid.

It's going to be so fucked up if I do.

Yeah, it really will be.

Just every disease.

Yep.

Everything you've ever mocked.

Just a club footage of targeted drinks, baby.

I feel like all

faggot mullen died.

Nintendo 64 Mullen.

This is going to be called an affront to God.

Not only was the kid retarded, he named it after Nintendo 64 Mullen.

Damn.

I would name my baby GameCube if I had to pick a system.

That's the system that meant the most to me.

GameCube?

I think GameCube.

Really?

I played the best gaming years of my life on a GameCube.

Crazy sexy.

I think probably PlayStation 2 was the best console.

Actually, you know what?

Honestly, Xbox 360 was like...

That was the first time.

Halo?

Not, I never got into Halo, but like, there were so many.

Because I didn't play video games for seven years or whatever.

And then when I was in my early 20s, I got a PlayStation or an Xbox 360.

You played Call of Duty?

Yeah, I would play Modern Warfare all the time.

And I remember playing that.

I'm like, oh,

they figured out video games.

Yeah, this is it.

My friend had to.

Don't ever get better than this.

My friend had to do six years of college because of Call of Duty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He failed out of a year and a half, three semesters.

Modern Warfare 2 was like.

God damn.

I played that game so fucking much.

Yeah.

Because

if you get 25 kills in a row, you can call a nuke and end the game.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, yeah.

I think it was just so much of like just trying to get that 25th kill.

Well, you get to 7, you can call in the Harrier Jet.

Hell yeah.

And then the Harrier Jet, you get 4 kills.

You get to 11, you call in the Chopper Gunner.

Yeah.

And then you come in, you just light people up with that chopper gunner.

Just fucking wasting dudes from an Apache, mile away.

What a great feeling.

And then you hope while you're using it, because you do it from a laptop, right?

And so somebody can fuck your ass up on the laptop.

So you're just fucking typing on the game?

No, well, it's the screen, but your character just fucking

guy just stays on a laptop and someone finds you and ices you while you're

in the chopper gun or you're dead.

That's got to feel good for you specifically to be killing using a laptop.

Me?

That combines your two great you're posting and murdering

at the same time.

It's a form of directly, instead of hurting their feelings, you're literally killing them.

That's right.

What if they fucking weaponized fucking posts, dude?

And the government called you.

We need you to post.

They weaponize posts.

Posting?

Yeah.

That'd be pretty cool.

You need to own foreign leaders.

In a dark future, we're posting as illegal.

We need someone to draw a dick on Garfield.

It can't be done.

No one's that fucked up.

Just completely jacked.

Working out your fingers specifically.

Your fingers are fucking ripped, dude.

Yeah.

The second they're allowed near a fucking keyboard.

Yeah.

You're going to do memes.

That's right.

That is damn right.

We need someone to draw OD with a pussy

and then fuck it.

What if you could draw things and then fuck them and they come to life and you fuck them?

Facebook is watching you.

The social media giant is aggressively spreading its facial recognition tools even as it confronts heightened security from regulators and legislators in Europe and North America.

There's going to start to be like terrorist attacks, domestic terrorist attacks on tech companies specifically.

Who's still on Facebook?

I don't know.

Are you?

No.

I mean, I have a page, but I never check it.

Yeah.

I feel like it's moved to old people now.

My mom's on

friends.

There's a Greek town group where it's all like 65-year-old people.

They're like, remember when there was no blacks here?

They're just reminiscing about.

Greektown's so funny because it's like, they're like...

All these Mexicans are stealing our neighborhood.

It's like the neighborhood was a German neighborhood before Greeks came in.

We just stole it from those fucking krauts.

Right.

But, you know.

And before that, I mean, that was like every city in the world.

Native American.

Nah, Baltimore was always

not a trace of Native American.

Did they look?

Nah,

they needed to stay away.

Yeah, the whole bay.

The East Coast just has Native American names.

It's never

Chesapeake Native American.

Chesapeake's Native American thing.

But, I mean, you know, like all of New York is fucking worried.

Manhattan is a native word.

Canarsie is Native American.

That's a tribe.

Jamaica is a Native American word, actually.

They're two different.

Jamaica, the island, is a completely different root, like the origin of that name.

They came up with different from Jamaica.

Jamaica Queens?

Get the fuck out of here.

That is what?

It's completely separate.

Yeah.

No relation whatsoever.

And then, you know, a bunch of Caribbean people.

That's a good.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good hacky comedy mashup.

Rust, a Native American guy.

You could do that.

Go ahead, do it.

Take that first comedian.

Yeah, that's all you, man.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear the professional comedian Adam Friedland riff out the bit that he came up with.

I didn't come up with it.

Yeah, you got it.

No, I'm sure you came up with it, but you know, do your job.

Come on.

Do your job.

No, go ahead.

You go ahead.

Go ahead.

Do your job, Steam.

No, we believe in you, man.

We believe in you.

I'm rubbing Adam's shoulders.

I'm getting a lot of money.

Stop getting really good massages.

Thank you.

All right.

How?

Lively up yourself.

How?

Lively up yourself.

Smoke weed.

Smoke weed every day.

How do Native American people see?

So it's like it's rain-daggering.

Yeah.

Aggressively dry humpy walls.

See, and then it's raining.

There's a thunderstorm out, and they're like, fuckaman!

You know, and then they're amazing.

It's easier to do the

Jamaican accent with the Native American.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Well, hey, man, you'll get your groove back.

You'll remember how to be a comedian someday.

I'm a, you know, I'm a good person.

Or, you know, it could have been a thing in your early 20s while you're relevant.

Now you're an old man.

No.

We all, look, we all, we all burn out.

We all fade away.

The flame is extinct.

It's not as dire, as you're putting it.

You know, we all lose sight of ourselves, and

time goes on, and then instead of being a guy that had some sort of creative edge, you're just working retail.

You're 46 years old.

You say, yeah, I used to be on a podcast or whatever.

I'm not going to do it.

You know, child support to some Russian woman and her black husband.

Dasha,

we didn't say you're right.

You assumed that.

You assumed it.

I didn't even say that.

You just happened to say a Russian woman.

Yeah.

Her black husband, and

you're paying child support to your son, who's also black.

Yeah, it's a John Redcorn situation.

Yeah, yeah.

Now you guys are actually still together, but you have a black son.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, did you adopt?

No.

He's just black as shit.

He doesn't mean to look amazed.

Yeah, that's funny.

That's pretty funny.

He's like, Dad, Dad, I bought all the keys to go hang out with my friends.

Dad, I got to go to Short Jackson.

Dad, me and my friends are trying to go to Bojangles Chicken.

Dad,

Dad, it's me, your son.

Adam Jr.

It's me, Adam Jr., Dad.

It's me, Adam Jr.

I'm 11 years old.

I'm in the first grade.

Damn.

We're learning about the Helocaust in school.

It's crazy that people did that to us.

To Jewish people like us.

Eastern European Jews like ourselves.

Daddy, can I have a Magic City theme bump?

We were reading about

Ann Frank, who was one of us.

I don't know how, because you know, I'm six foot seven.

I don't know how I would have hid it from them.

Damn.

Oh, damn, dad.

I just want to throw on some.

That Woody Allen boy crazy, dad.

Dad, how do I fit out my ass, pussy?

Oh, we were spread out by somebody else before I was born.

Because, you know, I was a 17-pound baby.

That's true.

Dad, how come your wrist is the same size as my thumb?

Dad.

Dad, what come?

Okay, so, guys, if you're wearing underwear, go ahead and take them off.

Yeah, take them off.

Take your underwear off.

Shit those underwears off your body

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It's a simple shopping experience.

You'll love it.

You'll love to wear the underwear and fucking eat it.

Let your dog eat them up after you get a little

pussy blood on the cloud.

Let your dog eat that pussy blood.

Every dog eats pussy blood.

Every dog eats pussy blood.

It's nothing special.

There's nothing special about your dog.

No, it's a tricky thing.

There's something special about Mac Weldon,

which is what we're talking about right now, not your dog.

I bought underwear there myself.

It's one of the easiest shopping experiences I've ever had in my life.

You go there, they put all the underwear up on the auction blocks.

You examine their physique.

No, I don't think you're thinking of the same website.

Well, I'm thinking of a different purchasing experience I have.

Well, Mac Weldon, very similar to that.

The power you feel.

Yes.

Subjugating those underwear.

Oh, no, no, no.

Different angle.

Think of different angles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember we were talking about putting it it in your bitch's pussy?

Let's go back to that.

Okay.

So Macweld and underwear, very smart design, senior fabric, simple shopping experience.

Love those underwear.

Anti-motherfucking microbials.

Anti-microbes.

Micro modal.

They got a silver line of antimicrobials, shirts, and underwear that'll suck all the sweat off your glistening body as you're out there in the fields working hard.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A lot of people work in fields.

What field are you in?

I'm in the entertainment field.

Ah, okay.

Okay, that's a different type of field.

That's where the field is.

They don't say

that.

That's where the term field comes from.

No, that's not true.

I work out in the software field.

That is a field you.

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They got crew necks, all sorts of shit.

All the good shit.

They do have good stuff there, for real.

I know we joke around a lot on this podcast.

Yeah.

If I'm going to say anything sincerely ever in my life,

it's please buy those underwears.

Please buy them.

Do it.

Please buy them.

Please, God, buy them.

For the glove of God.

I'm trying to afford numerous abortions right now.

Oh, yeah, we got to stack up on them.

I went on a little bit of a tear.

Did you?

Yes.

I impregnated probably 17 different women

after the show last week.

And the only way I can kill those children is if you buy those underwear.

That's great.

Go check them out.

And we're back.

And we're back.

Damn.

So, anyway,

Black Sun.

Keep going with it.

I would be proud to help.

Did you know stepbrothers?

You'd probably be a very good father to your cuck-created son.

You would be, actually.

When Dasha cuckolds you with a.

Dasha's not going to cut.

You know what?

With like a Betelgeuse-sized black guy.

But then he's still got the genes in him.

To produce a large boy.

Yeah.

So the real father comes by and he's like,

where my son at?

Lives outside.

She's like, Roscoe, remember, you're not supposed to say he's your son around my husband, Adam.

He's like, I got trash.

I got trash.

She just wanted some

trash-eating black guy.

That's who she did.

I got cuck cry.

I got trash stuck in my dick.

I got a bunch of trash down my dick.

Dick at the bus stop.

i i i i

i hide in the trash when i'm when a buck come by

that more the motherfucker drive but be laughing at me okay i'll suck your dick just shut up i'll just one more time

i'll show my dick oh it feels feels good feel real good

just 5'1

can you imagine

can you imagine coming home

my wife is fat in some cheese screen fat as a guy like coming home from his job at i I don't know, Boston Market.

The guy that can't do math.

Yeah.

Oh, I feel good.

It's a football-sized dick.

I just wanted to be.

She's like, Adam, I have the house all afternoon.

I told you that.

Come on, Adam Jr.

Dad, where are we going?

Dad, who's that guy?

Who is that guy?

Don't worry about it, Adam.

Who's that little boy mama's having sex with?

Oh, God.

God damn.

That's so fucking stupid, man.

That would be so funny.

Yeah, that would.

It would be very funny.

For us.

For all of us.

For the three of us.

I mean, dude.

For the three of us.

It's a little five one.

Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show.

Semi-retard.

That guy is full retard.

Just a 32-year-old crack baby.

Yeah.

Bring that mouth over here, Ben.

I got trashed up my dick.

You got clean trash up my dick.

Just living in a trash can like Oscar the Griff.

One of those little rectangular ones next to the bus stop.

A little roomier.

With the rectangular ones that have the top on it that's like elevated.

Yeah.

So he just pokes his head out there.

Where's that buck going?

Just bring that ass there with you.

Put your pussy in the trash.

Let me take your pussy.

Like, Dasha, why is there trash in your pussy?

Don't.

Why is there CVS rappers coming out of your asshole?

Is this a receipt?

A receipt.

Oh my God.

Adam, don't ask me questions.

Dad.

Dad, one more meal at you.

Let's go shoot free free throws, Adam Jr.

Yeah, yeah.

Adam comes to do the podcast and he's like, everyone's posting Roscoe's home address on the Reddit.

And it's like, I don't, I mean, I care about the guy.

They just drop a pin to the trash can.

I don't want people harassing Roscoe.

Because he's upset, and then Dosh is upset.

And then I have to hear you.

Roscoe.

Roscoe's the guy you have.

The guy that's fucking yours.

Your son is Adam Jr.

Your son is Adam Jr.

Roscoe's the guy that lives in the trash can

outside of the blockbuster.

It's having sex with your wife.

But you care about him.

Yeah.

Because you're a good guy.

I have to say.

You care about him a lot.

I do care.

I have to say,

the image of the lid opening slightly, and then just you see two white eyes.

Yeah, yeah.

With his fucked up cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go away with a bigger eye.

Very good bush eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just yellow, yellow-ass eyes.

Oh, God.

You've been drinking wild Irish rose in that trash can for a week and a half.

Roscoe's a good guy.

He's a good guy, man.

He doesn't know.

He doesn't know what he's doing.

Dad, why mom in a bad mood?

Well, your uncle was arrested for stealing tricycles.

So she's been, she gets cranky.

Because, as you know, my penis fell off when I gave birth to you.

She had her uterus surgically implanted into my body.

Into my balls.

As to not ruin her pussy for your uncle.

It would be my honor.

It's a seahorse for my wife.

So that I had to give birth to a 17-pound

black man.

Out of my scrotum.

Out of my penis.

Out of my penis.

It ripped your ass, too.

It ripped your penis and ass off.

You're just fucking

an asshole from your nuts to the top of your back.

I've said this before, guys, but

I'm your muse, and you have to accept it.

Do you guys know Step Brothers came out 10 years ago?

Damn, what if you get old?

Stepbrothers came out.

Isn't that wild?

That is wild.

Wildly, where did you get old?

I was reading somebody.

Do you feel like that's a new movie?

10 years makes completely moving.

10 years is long, dude.

Yeah,

that's like some consolation.

You know, you get down about like.

Yeah, I know.

The way things are going.

Stav's stupid.

But also, that's not the constellation.

Step Brothers was already 10 years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

That's wild.

We want you guys for being dickheads.

We'll be dead as we know it.

Yeah, it's probably 10 years old.

That's wild.

It was 10 years ago.

You guys are fine with that.

It's really not.

If you told me it was 13, 14 years ago, I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense.

I feel like that movie came out in 2006.

No, it came out.

2008.

Yeah,

that was 10 years ago.

Yeah, that's wild.

It was a long time ago.

That is a long time ago.

That feels weird.

When's the last thing Will Farrell's made?

It's a Fairleigh brother.

That movie, The House?

No, it's not.

It's him and

the guy who did Anchorman.

What's the director that he works with?

Adam McKay.

Adam McKay.

Yeah.

Who also did The Big Short, which is the name of my dick.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what the Fairleigh brothers have been up to.

Common.

Common Cummer.

Common Cummer.

Common Dumber.

Ooh.

That's good.

One's Dumb, one's Horny.

Yeah, one's Common Dumber.

It's like, I don't know, Lloyd.

How are we going to get this briefcase back to that bitch?

And Lloyd's just like, oh,

he's just cumbing the whole movie.

Yeah, it's a diarrhea scene, but it's come.

I told you guys, right, I cried when he gave the blind kid that bird when I was like a little kid and seeing that movie for the first time made me cry.

Really?

You're a liar, dude.

I was really sad.

Do you have a little claw?

Yeah.

Can I get one of those?

Yeah.

I'll get it.

I'll get your drink.

I'm not going to take that away from you.

Cheer up.

Get some fucking confidence.

I'm just hungover.

It's not even the confidence.

You need to get your confidence back, though.

I'm tired of it.

You know what he's fucking tired of it.

Talking about his girlfriend becoming his wife and then cheating on him with a trash midget.

No, that was a good bit.

Honestly, that was a good bit.

I'm not upset about that at all.

Adam, where are Roscoe's butterfingers?

No, he had a bag of butterfingers sitting on the floor.

That would be.

I don't know.

I may have one.

I don't know.

She slaps you.

Yeah.

He's getting beaten by a five-foot-one cracked butterfly.

Wima Snickers.

I thought you said they're butterfingers.

You know he doesn't know how to read.

He doesn't know the difference between butterfingers and snickers.

Long live Roscoe.

Roscoe's doing Stern at three o'clock.

I have an audition.

What are you doing?

I'm watching Filmstruck.

You got hungover?

Would you get fucked up last night?

I got pretty fucked up after the show last night.

Shout out to everyone who came out to the show, by the way.

And happy birthday, Jonah, once again.

Yeah, shout out to Jonah.

Happy birthday.

Our DJ for Funny Mom's.

Shout out to all the different types of ladies that came out.

Big bitches, small bitches, white bitches.

A whole gamut of bitches.

Black bitches.

We did have a bunch of

ladies.

Fat bitches.

We also had another

ass bitches.

I was pleased to see that we had a

vagina bitches.

Hard, pussy ass.

Olid ass Chinese bitches.

Our lids all pulled back.

Hell yeah.

Cross-eyed bitches.

All the kind of bitches.

Bitches that love fucking durians, that weird little fruit.

Durian bitches, dragon fruit bitches, pomegranate bitches.

Papaya bitches.

Ooh, papaya bitches.

Kiwi bitches.

Mango bitches.

Banana bitches.

Strawberry bitches.

Bitches.

Sawdust.

Mulberry bitches.

Blackberry bitches.

Raspberry bitches.

Sawdust bitches.

Home Depot bitches.

Plumbing supply bitches.

Grout and tile bitches.

Math bitches.

Math blaster bitches.

PC bitches.

Macintosh bitches.

Yes.

Software bitches.

HVAC repair bitches.

HVAC bitches.

Wallpaper bitches.

Wayne Scott bitches.

Floorboard bitches.

OSB ass bitches.

Bitches that own trampoline stores.

Trampoline ass bitches.

Spring ass bitches.

Lawn and garden supply bitches.

Medicine cabinet bitches.

You know that.

Schizophrenic rapper.

It's a four and a half hour long intro to a song.

This one goes that.

Pan-American ass bitches.

Bowling trophy bitches.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Safety glass bitches.

Ribbons.

L.A.

Gear-ass bitches.

Dial-tone bitches.

Movie font bitches.

Watch the movie Hairspray.

Hairspray bitches.

Fat bitches.

Ricky Lake bitches.

Ricky Lake.

I do like free associating, but with bitches at the end of every word.

That feels good.

Yeah.

I guess Freud would approve that, too.

That's what Freud had people come in his office.

Yeah, that's what his book is about.

Spit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got two things.

You either do this or you jerk off the picture of your mom on cocaine.

Freud used to

have people cypher.

Pass the mic.

Bum, bum, bum.

Bum, bum, bum, bum.

La Croix bitches.

Yeah, thank you.

Everyone came out.

We should also just say in the middle of the show that we are hitting the road as a unit.

August 12th, we're in motherfucking Balti Autobar.

We have to.

We've posted that on Twitter, yeah, yeah.

Have we?

No, yeah.

Also, buy tickets for Carolines.

I'm in Carolines.

They're bitching at me because tickets aren't selling.

Yes, buy tickets.

Go see Nick at Carolines.

9-10-11, Carolines.

You go to Caroline's website, look through the schedule, find me.

And also,

it's on my Instagram bio.

Yeah, go buy that shit.

I posted the Australia stuff on Twitter.

But also the Cleveland-Boston tour.

And then Cleveland.

We're in Cleveland.

Sunday the 1st, September 1st, September.

Or I'm sorry,

Sunday the 2nd.

And then we are in Boston the next day, the 3rd.

So please buy tickets to both of those.

Ticket links are up.

And then I'm coming to fucking Chicago.

Chicago bitches.

Chicago bitches.

Cleveland bitches.

But before that, Charlotte, I'm going to Charlottesville to Avengers.

To Charlotte bitches.

Ville to Avenged.

To take out the cops.

Charlottesville.

Charlottesville.

The 17th, a Friday.

I'm going to drive a Prius through a bunch of Nazis.

Yeah, that was.

I'm showing over a bunch of Nazis with a Prius.

That's right.

No, I'm getting a fucking Vespa, dude.

Yeah.

I'm about to fuck them up on Armored Advisory.

Yeah, I actually have a bio-diesel Prius.

It runs off pussy juice.

And I make it myself.

I've trained my penis to make pussy juice.

Instead of coming at...

How much of an ally am I?

You make some pussy juice now.

That's how I'm stopping Donald Trump.

My penis doesn't get hard anymore.

It gets wet.

He's have a little soaked up nose.

My clit-sized dick is wet as fuck.

Take that, Trump bitches.

Bush bitches.

Clinton bitches.

Bush one bitches.

It looks like someone's always basting my cock with baby oil.

Shrinking my Ford bitches.

LBJ.

Nixon bitches.

LBJ bitches.

Kennedy bitches.

Woodrow Wilson ass bitches.

Eisenhower bitches.

John Quincy Adams bitches.

Yeah.

Truman bitches.

Wilford Brimley.

It was before Truman.

George Grover Cleveland.

No.

Before Truman was

Roosevelt.

Yeah, right.

FDR.

FDR.

Then prior to that, and then Truman took over, dropped the bomb, baby.

You're right.

So FDR?

Either Coolidge or Wilson.

Before FDR.

Hubert Humphrey.

Hoover.

Hubert Humphrey.

Hoover.

Yeah, Hoover, right?

It's hard to go backwards.

I think it's baby go backwards.

We're doing it right now.

I used to be into presidents.

Okay, so that makes sense.

Yeah.

Well, it's Washington, Adams, Jefferson.

Here you go.

Adams.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

Let's go.

Madison.

Madison.

We got Patrick.

No.

At some point.

Buchanan.

Buchanan.

Was you the gay one?

There's two Buchanan.

Buchanan was before Lincoln.

He was 15.

William Henry Harrison, that motherfucker that died.

That one's like six or seven.

Didn't

you know Taylor is in there?

Macaron Taylor Thomas.

James K.

Polk.

That's right.

Yeah.

That guy didn't like Indians.

Yeah.

Andrew Johnson.

Johnson's like

Indians.

12.

Andrew Johnson.

Andrew Johnson was after Lincoln.

He's 17.

Oh.

Yes.

Yeah, yes.

Who am I?

He got him.

Hamilton.

Hamilton was never the president.

Not Hamilton.

Who am I thinking of the president?

In like $10, $10 bill.

Who the fuck is Andrew.

Who are you thinking about?

Andrew Jackson.

Andrew Jackson.

Andrew Jackson was like eight or nine.

Yeah.

He was

memorized all these.

I remember at one point.

When I was in fourth grade,

I did it in chunks of eight.

That's how you did it?

Yeah, I did it in.

It wouldn't be that hard.

We're only, what, 45?

45, yeah.

It's not difficult.

Yeah.

This tricky one.

Because who's the one?

Who's the guy that was president?

And then, was it Chester A.

Arthur was president?

Then someone else was president.

Then he was president.

No, that was Cleveland.

Cleveland.

Yeah.

Grover, Cleveland.

Taft, fat ass Taft.

Let's not forget about it.

Taft was right before Teddy Roosevelt.

That's right.

Yes.

So, yeah, it's Coolidge, Taft, Roosevelt.

Coolidge was that far back?

No, Coolidge was after that.

No, Teddy Roosevelt.

No, no, no.

Coolidge.

Coolidge was after Teddy.

So it's Teddy, Coolidge, Taft.

No.

No, I don't fucking know.

Coolidge was like in the 20s, right?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Who gives a shit?

Fuck the president.

Fuck the presidents.

Trump, 1,000 years.

Forever, Trump.

Trump, 44.

Did you hear that shit he said about Elton John?

No, what did he say?

He was just an extremely low-T individual.

He was just like...

President Trump's selection

judge Brent M.

Kavanaugh.

What do we think about Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh, he's going to

get rid of abortion.

Yeah, Roe v.

Wade's about to get fucked in the ass, I guess.

But see, these are things I don't really care about.

Abortion?

Abortion.

Gay rights don't matter to me.

Yeah, yeah.

For some reason.

I mean, I agree that you should have them.

I believe a woman's right to choose, and I believe gay people should get married.

But, like, does that affect me?

No, not really.

Yeah, yeah.

So I really don't.

It's not like I'm like, what are we going to do?

I'll be fine.

You know.

You're cool.

Yeah, okay.

And ultimately, it's a dog-to-dog world out there.

That's right.

The less rights they have, the better it is for you.

Well, it's a zero-sum game.

You're right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, this does mean I have more rights.

Yep, that is how rights work.

If only I have the right to get married, it means more than if gay people, which, like, that may sound rude, but hey, that's business.

Yep.

Yes, that is business.

According to the law of average.

That's Murphy's law.

Yeah, yeah.

Murphy.

Murphy Brown's business.

Murphy Brown's Law.

That if a woman sounds like a man, she gets a job.

She's got the good pussy.

That's Murphy's Law.

Give me them bitches that sound like men.

That's who they got.

They got the best pussy.

Girls that sound like men got a business.

What was Murphy Brown's job?

She was a newscaster.

She was.

She was a journalist.

A journalist.

And she had an abortion on the show.

On air.

That's Murphy's Law, is that women aren't allowed.

Women that sound like men are allowed to get abortion.

Yeah.

Who worked over Murphy's pussy?

Who was it in the show?

Craig T.

Nelson?

Ferguson.

Craig Ferguson had that run there for a while.

Craig T.

Ferguson.

Everyone was saying his show was really good.

His late-night show.

Yeah, yeah.

Didn't he have pre-taped

stand-up sets?

No, I think Colbert does that now.

Where it's like not a live stand-up set?

No, you do like a showcase style.

Yeah, they do like they tape the stand-up separate from the show.

They do it like Craig Ferguson did that.

Craig ferguson did that i feel bad for anyone that had a craig ferguson credit because it was like that was worthless from the get-go it was like a meaningless say you're on tv it doesn't matter it's a meaningless tv credit i was i'm on seeso i'm on fox news i can say i was on tv they're both like worthless credits yeah but you're not doing stand-up it's i was doing stand-up on seeso bitch now stars oh which it's on stars i think i'm owed residuals or something

new york's funniest they just sold because seeso went out of fucking business and they sold all the content now it's like i mean stars I got a $600 buyout for that bullshit.

Yeah.

Stars shows that thing.

New York's funniest from 2014.

I was on TV, dude.

I was in the background of that Adult Swim thing.

It's fat.

You were on the MSG network.

I was on the MSG network.

That's funny.

Dude, check out my credits.

Logo.

Access TV.

MSCast Open Mic Hour.

MSG, Adult Swim at 1 a.m.

in the future.

Having those things are so much worse than having like a real fucking credit.

That used to be a credit that people would list in DC, Comcast.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, dude.

That was big.

It sucks.

It's funny.

It's like comedians from Comedy Central.

I used to harass Red Eye to let me go on the show as a joke.

And then they had me on, and I was like, this is going to be hilarious.

And then it just sucked.

And then they kept asking me back.

And it's like, all right, I guess I'll do it.

I'm mad I never

had Red Eye.

Are those guys funny at all?

Who?

Red-Eye?

What do you mean?

Those guys.

Like Shaloo and...

Oh, no.

No, they're not funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Wasn't he a comic?

Yeah, but I mean, he's not funny on Red Eye.

No one's funny on Red Eye.

Yeah.

It was a horrible formula for comedy.

So we're going to have one comedian on, and then, you know, the editor of the United States.

Relax of

Reason Magazine.

The Secretary of State now

was sitting next to you in the studio of Red Eye.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, he was already a fucking, you know, ambassador

to the UN.

He was an ambassador to the UN, but Bush did it

before.

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You guys got some picks?

I have to say, my rush is going to win because Putin Rigg did prediction.

Finally ended because of the fucking Croatians, and I'm sorry about that.

Someone DM'd me and said he had to put his boy pussy up for sale to pay for the bets he lost, and I'm sorry for that.

But I'm saying we got France versus Belgium about to kick off here.

We're recording this on Tuesday.

I'm picking Belgium.

It's going to be over.

It's going to be over, so you can't.

But how about picking France because they all know how to do that?

The shoot dance.

Yeah.

That's true.

That's swaggy.

Well, they're all African.

France just.

They used to be all African.

Yeah.

Anyway, Croatia versus England.

I'm going against these fucking English fucking pasty, light-skinned ass motherfuckers.

And I'm going Croatia, keeping it in fucking Southeastern Europe.

I was against it, but then I saw that video of that British soccer fan snorting a bag of Coke on top of that lamp pole.

That's the thing you can bet on on Bet DSI.

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Oh, 200%.

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Betting is not about knowing how much money you got out there, it's about taking wild-ass risks to make you feel alive.

The show isn't about

the truth.

No, never.

It's about what feels good.

You know what I'm saying?

You don't need to know who your actual son is.

No, no.

You don't need to know who the real father is.

Exactly.

He might be.

It feels good to think that your son is a 6'7

dead.

People on my mother's side were tall.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what you tell myself.

Yeah, that's what I tell myself.

That's my mom.

My mother's side.

My cousins are 5'11.

My cousins are all taller than me.

I hate being.

It just sucks.

To be the shortest member of your extended family.

I have a cousin that's 5'5, and I mean, he's got the worst of anybody.

Of course.

The rest of them are all like the fucking shit.

Are they over 6 feet?

Yeah.

Two uncles that are like 6'4 ⁇ .

My little thick-ass jeans.

My uncle's fairy.

But I'll say this.

I'm much prettier than all of them.

Yeah, there you go.

They've got a pretty ass face.

Yeah, would you take that?

You'll take that.

Sure.

Over being a tall, ugly bitch.

Yeah.

My uncle is a little bit of a drink.

I'm in daughter's shape now, but only because they're all naturally athletic and then they never exercise.

Right, right, right.

And then they hit 30, and it's like, I guess I'm fat now.

Yeah.

They don't care.

They've lived a good life.

They've lived a much better life than I ever will.

Yeah, exactly.

I'll never be able.

I watch them.

I watch them just enjoy things like barbecues or a TV show.

No, I'm not sure.

Or me.

Not overthinking it.

Having a nice time.

Yeah.

Sunday fun days.

Can you imagine?

Yeah.

That'd be awesome.

Imagine holding a sparkler on the 4th of July and extracting something out of it.

Yeah.

And not imagining jamming it into your fucking brain.

And not putting it in front of your dick and being like, look, my dick is a sparkler.

That's how I would be.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that is fun.

There's nothing wrong with that.

My dick sparkling.

Yeah, whatever, though.

Luckily, no one in my family is happy.

My uncle pumped my two cousins with HGH.

Really?

Since they were like, like, he was like, yeah, they're small in the growth spectrum.

He's like a doctor.

And now they're like both 6'5.

Really?

And he's not that tall.

So I could have been a little bit more.

He like fake.

Yeah, he like just

they're both like athletes now.

Talk.

Yeah.

I've said it before, but I'll never forgive my doctor.

Why doesn't everybody?

He told me I was going to be 6'4 or some shit.

I never knew what.

I didn't have a doctor like that.

He would put you on the growth chart.

I was tall for my age.

I never got trade.

I never got

charts done.

There was never anything that was.

There was no no none of that.

Yeah.

There was no doctor.

I don't remember having a doctor.

It was all about percentile.

You did not have a pediatrician that you went to?

I don't think so.

No.

I mean, I don't remember going to regular checkups or anything.

Really?

I'll go to the doctor when I was sick, yeah, but I don't.

Nah, my man, Dr.

I don't, I don't want to say his name.

I mean, whatever, who cares?

Mengela.

Dr.

Mangala.

My man always came through with the lollipops.

He always checked my little ass dick.

He would check it for a while, actually, but just to make sure it was healthy.

And, yeah.

Dad, are we going to the doctor?

Dad.

Yes.

Yes, we're going.

Guys, my son.

Are you sexually active?

My son has been in the middle of the night.

My son has a dick that could black out the sun.

I'm so proud of him.

I don't know where he got that thing from.

This is the art section, New York Times, savoring a Cosby spin-off post-verdict.

A different world holds firm in fans' hearts despite the tarnished legacy of its creators.

Who cares?

Like, what are you talking about?

It's a show from 40 years ago.

Right.

It's like, who is that?

Who's sitting around having debates?

Can I enjoy a different world?

Can I enjoy that guy flipping his sunglasses up?

Yeah, that was a good bit.

That's so stupid.

I like that show.

Adam, you had those glasses, too, by the way.

I did.

I lost them.

They came with my glasses.

And then you went around going people, Dwayne Wade.

You would point at them and reference.

For the first four years of Dwayne Wade's career, I thought his name was Dwayne Wade.

Dwayne Wade spells his name all types of

D-W-Y-A.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is just a typo.

It doesn't.

There's no way.

Dwayne is a typo.

There's no way that that's like, you can't make it sound.

He should have just corrected it.

Yeah.

It's fucked up.

Whatever, man.

His mom wanted some fucking

fucking agency in the spelling of her son's name.

Yeah.

She's pulled in a typo.

For many, the Cosby show has become unwatchable since the dozens of sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby entered the media spotlight.

Has it?

Adam left the room.

I think it has.

I mean, I don't want to watch that shit.

It's fucking weird.

Yeah.

That guy raped, but he was probably, he probably raped someone the night before he did the Cosby show.

Yeah, but it's like you don't watch and consume things.

It's hard not to think about it when you're looking at the motherfucker.

No, it's not.

Not for me.

Really?

Yeah, no.

It doesn't come in.

It doesn't.

No, it's just a fucking TV show.

I mean, if you needed to.

If he was in like a mask or something.

Okay, well, then, where does it, where does it not,

where do you draw the line?

I'm not saying that, like, well, if you did rapes, what if a guy just got, like, a parking ticket?

But there's plenty of bad people that are.

I guess raping and drugging

that's specifically the line.

So I don't know if you're raped one person.

No, no, I don't know if that's the line.

I just know that that's past the line.

I still have watched the Dr.

Larry Nasser's stand-up special.

Hilarious.

Like, I I don't listen to Chris Brown or XXX Tentacion or whatever the fuck.

So you're glad he's dead?

I am glad he's dead.

You're going on the record of saying that.

And guess what?

His music sucked.

Maybe it was one of my shooters that did it.

I don't know.

Why were people sad?

I don't know.

They're like, he had so much talent.

His music fucking sucked.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I get it, though.

Most people in entertainment are bad people.

Well, it's not even that most people are bad people.

It's just that it's like

it's just fucking entertainment.

I mean, you can separate.

It's not even a discussion about separating art from the artist, but like, it's just a fucking TV show.

Right.

You know?

I mean, maybe if it wasn't this show about what a wholesome ass dad he was, maybe if it was like some cartoon where he did a voice, I couldn't.

Yeah, but everything's hypocritical.

Yeah.

Everything you consume is inherently hypocritical.

What do you mean everything you consume is hypocritical?

Well, if you wear a pair of shorts that's made by a four-year-old.

Exactly.

It's like how do you do that?

You do all these things.

All of these things are built on human suffering and exploitation that you sit there and consume.

Yeah, that's true.

I think having this, like, you know, oh, I can't watch the show because of what Bill Cosby did is an easy way to purchase some sort of moral purity for yourself.

Because it's like you weren't watching the Cosby show, anyways.

It's very easy to say, like, oh, I can't watch it anymore.

It's like, well, how often were you sitting around watching the Cosby show?

Yeah, but I mean, I mean, I get what you're saying.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't see the problem in not wanting to watch it because the guy raped.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, because it's like fake.

I don't.

But it's not.

I don't want to watch.

I mean, I don't know.

I wasn't watching it, but if it fucking came up, I'd be like, I can't.

It's weird.

So if you were sitting around at somebody's house

and they put on the Cosby show, you would say, we have to turn this off.

I would be like, we're going to watch Cosby.

That's a strange choice.

I would think it was a strange choice.

What you're just throwing on Cosby and everyone's going to laugh.

It's weird, dude.

If it just happened to come on the TV, you're sitting at a friend's house, you're watching TV, the Cosby show comes on the table.

You need to change the channel.

No, we would start making Cosby as a rapist joke.

Sure, that's fine, but you would not be able to watch the show.

No, I wouldn't be like, ah, my eyes wouldn't fucking hurt.

But if I'm like, I'm not going to watch it in the privacy of my own home, he's an R-star P-I-S-T.

Yeah, R-star A-P-S-T-E-R.

I'm an R-star hunter.

A P-I-S-T-E-R.

I love that song because he doesn't spell trapster.

T-R-A-P-S-T-R.

I'm a T-R-A-P-S-T-R.

I'm a trapster.

Trapster.

Does Jeezy still make music?

I think he's retired, technically.

I think so, but he just dropped.

I respect him tremendously.

He dropped something recently.

Did he?

Yeah.

I remember liking Jeezy.

Me too.

Yeah.

Fuck Motivation 101.

It's a great album.

There was a summer where I went to the gym every day and I listened to Put On For My City every single day.

There's a fucking You really should go back to the gym, dude.

I'm gonna go.

That was like.

Come on.

you don't have to bring this up every fucking time.

I mean, it's it's one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed.

There are sadder things,

there are sadder things in the world.

No, the way that janitor lady was looking at you, it wasn't a janitor, she was a personal trainer.

She was just an older woman that had a trainer t-shirt on her.

Well, she had a janitor hue to her.

Do you ever see people like that?

You're like, How the fuck are you a trainer?

Because it's fake.

Yeah, yes, it is fake.

I'm a T-R-A-P-S-T-R.

There's a fucking intro to a song he did.

Oh, it's so fucking funny.

Where he just, they're like, if you're not rich, kill yourself.

They're about to go to a strip club.

He's like, if you ain't rich, kill Yo, Sam.

Have you ever seen that video, that woman doing, for a while I was really into chug videos?

Yeah, Netanette.

A woman doing a Patron chug, and she goes, I'm going to do this for young Jeezy.

And she's like this fat lesbian wearing a young Jeezy t-shirt.

She shugs a bottle of Patron and immediately just face plants.

Like, really?

Yeah, yeah, it's so funny.

Damn.

Yeah.

So much for doing it for you.

Do it for young Jeezy.

Funny videos are the videos of like the wigger lesbians getting KO'd by men.

I love that.

Like, no, no, what's up?

Come see me outside.

Call the police.

You just hit a girl.

Call the police.

You just hit a girl.

Somebody please put me in my raincoat right now.

These niggas about to act a phone.

All y'all lame motherfuckers that ain't got no money.

Please leave now and exit the mill.

Kill yourself.

All y'all lay motherfuckers that ain't got no money, please leave and exit the building.

Kill yourself.

That's how I feel about the underclub.

Me walking into a Popeyes.

Kill yourself.

Get the fuck back.

So I guess Britain's government is collapsing.

Are they?

Yeah.

Who's that guy with the fucking bullets?

Teresa Meeh or Boris Johnson.

What's that guy?

He looks like a bitch.

He was mayor of London.

He was a journalist before that.

He's a piece of shit.

He looks like a bitch.

I don't know shit about British politics.

He was a Brexit guy.

Why is it falling apart?

But the Brexit?

Do the Brexit Brexit.

You can't tell you.

Someone put me on Sky News or whatever the fuck England's news is.

The sexists who are.

But the Brexit, my bloke.

I want to wear one of those fucking red uniforms with a big furry hat.

Put that in the bitch's pussy, the Marge Simpson hat.

Just go on British TV and take the piss.

Get Get some.

Oh, yeah.

Take the piss.

I love to take the piss.

I love to take the piss out of somebody.

I love to just take the piss right into a bitch.

About Van Ett, and it's the guy that lives in a van.

Yeah.

Trash canette, and it's about Roscoe.

There's a motherfucking with his seat in that pussy.

It is a very funny bit.

It is a very funny bit.

Just him like Eli from that rapping rap battle video.

The retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's who your wife is fucking.

Like a bisexual.

What does he say?

Mom.

Just sharply inhaling.

I'm like Rosie O'Donnell with the bisexual.

What does he say?

That video is so funny.

That was like one of my first favorites.

Where are we at?

We're a clock.

An hour?

All right.

I hate to be the guy this week, but I got to go to this fucking audition.

Okay.

Well, listen.

Zava, you want to watch a game?

I'm thinking about going back to Ass-to-Mouth Aurea.

Because if I get stuck here right now,

you guys doing that basketball tournament?

If you're not going to do it, I don't want to.

If you did a three-on-three, would it the three of us be a basketball team?

I think so.

I don't know.

If you guys want to do it, it's pretty funny.

But if you don't want to do it, let's not do it.

All right.

Okay.

But we're at Skank Fest this weekend, the 14th, I believe, is our live show.

Yeah, on Saturday.

And we're all doing some stand-up sets on it.

Are you doing stand-up on that Sunday show?

I don't know which one I'm on.

Frantic?

I'm not sure.

But also,

look how nice this looks.

This Chinese guy in a field.

That's a life I want.

That is nice.

Just be a rice farmer.

I thought that

it's in water.

Don't they grow rice in water?

I don't know, man.

I just want to be out in a field, just my Chinese mind empty of all thoughts, waving my sword around in my plants.

What are they thinking?

Nothing.

Do you hear that Louis C.K.

bit about it?

It's just racist, thinking that Chinese women are just thinking Chinese nonsense.

That's just the funny bit.

It's just It's so funny.

It's just nonsense.

That is a great bit.

That is a good episode.

Oh, fuck.

But Stav's not allowed to enjoy it because you can stop thinking about the race.

Congratulations to Ian.

That's not what I said.

Oh, yeah.

Congratulations.

Why are we congratulating Ian?

For being a.

Why are you bringing that up?

For being a good guy.

No, what do you mean

for?

For nothing.

For getting past at the seller.

Go ahead and say it.

For getting past at the comedy seller.

Why is that funny?

Say it.

Go ahead and say it.

Because this is a very bad comedian.

That's right.

All right.

There we go.

See, you should say that with gusto next time.

Okay.

I will also, like I said,

you know what I'm saying?

With Busto.

How about with Busto?

So, like I said, I'm going to be in Charlottesville August 17th, then Baltimore on the 18th, and Philly on the 19th, doing a little run there.

Then we are at Cleveland on the fucking 2nd, and then Boston on the 3rd in Cleveland.

We're doing the live pods.

That's all three of the boys.

And then I am going to be in Chicago on the 21st and the 22nd of September and Detroit on the 23rd.

In my head to be cut off by the cartel.

I don't think...

I hope not.

I hope that.

By the cartel or by ISIS?

I don't know, but I feel like that would be a nice warrior's end.

I'm out in my field.

A decapitation.

I'm out in my field, you know, doing dumb sword bullshit and the rice patty,

remembering my days as a samurai and my dark warrior past.

Yep.

And then, you know, my son, who I have no emotional connection to, is like, father, there are visodos at the gate.

And then I look over and it's the shogun.

Shit.

You know, and I'm like, go inside.

Tell your mother to lock the door.

I have to.

I have one last thing I have to do.

And then they just cut my head off.

Damn, you wouldn't fight back?

You wouldn't go to the barn under the haystacks for your secret swords.

I'm an old warrior, dog.

Nah, you got to go out with the sword.

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

You can't get it.

You got got to take a guy out on your way out.

It's got to be real hard to get a clean slice.

You got to go two wax, at least, with the sword.

Samurais know how to do that, and they respect each other.

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't respect your executioner too much to try and kill him.

Yeah, well, because I mean, I've killed this guy's entire family.

I killed his brother.

The samurai's were all gay, right?

They were pedophiles.

They're pedophiles.

But back then,

it was just called, you know, Ronin.

Wristman.

I love Ronin Children.

That was with that show, Ronin.

in the ass.

I love roaning brutal boys.

Roaning their assholes.

Roaning.

Roaning their asses.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we do have to go.

Nick's got a little business to take care of.

Yeah.

And.

Fuck, I wish I was a shogun.

You will be someday, dude.

Just drinking sake, waving my fucking blades around.

You know?

Isn't that reckless behavior from a shogun?

No, just at the shogun, I've got sake.

I sit in my fucking temple or whatever.

I've got my goons with me.

And I have this boisterous exterior, but inside I'm tortured because I realize that life isn't as satisfying as I thought it would be.

Wow.

And

I'm sort of like a King Solomon character.

I've acquired all this wisdom and gold.

All this pussy.

Meaningless to me.

What I really want is to be out in the fields,

getting my head cut off.

Yep.

Yeah.

And some beautiful fucking underwear from fucking MacWillen.

We already did the read.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's the show.

Get what they pay for, not a fucking drop extra, baby.

Goodbye, everyone.

We'll see you soon.

Bye.

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