Ep. 110 – Punishment

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Well

you got your fucking wish

It's me and Stav right now

You guys happy

So are you happy Opie and Anthony subreddit

Because a flame was extinguished

We're a little late doing the episode, but you'd need a couple fucking days off too if you came into your friend's your best friend's bedroom and you found him

with an american flag wrapped around his neck yep

suspended from the ceiling suspended from the ceiling jerking a hard penis

blew in the face listening to

host

dead dead dead and gone so r.p to nick a lot of people have sent us messages the last couple of days asking if nick is okay what's been going on

a lot of other people have said some pretty touching things about how much he meant to them his comedy meant to them how gay he was.

And how gay he was, and how that how little his dick was.

A lot of the gay guys that he sent the shirtless self-defense.

They're out of the closet now.

Are now publicly out and proud, and they're also devastated.

Then Nick is dead, so now they're back in the closet.

So they're back in the closet.

They went back into the closet.

But anyway, this is the last episode of Come Town, but we're going to fill our hour.

So

Adam, you said they're like George R.

Binks.

The guy.

So yeah, I heard this week that the guy that played Jar Jar Binks was so devastated by the backlash to his character, Jar Jar Binks, the racist Jamaican alien, that he tried to kill himself.

And he came out this week and said, This was the place where I almost took my life, and he was hugging his son.

Wow.

So I think that the Jar Jar Binks story is kind of a good analogue to Nick Mollin's story.

Because, of course,

a misunderstood character.

Well,

okay, before we end end Come Town, I guess we should try and do a seance.

Try and channel Nick.

All right, I'm going to light a candle.

Okay.

Dear God, please let us speak to our friend.

I know he's probably in heaven, sucking off everybody there.

James Dean,

Toll Me.

Hey, everybody.

It's me.

Seth.

Seth.

Seth.

We summoned the wrong dead guy.

I'm back from Jewish hell.

Seth, how's Jewish hell?

Is Nick there?

No, it's Jewish hell.

It's just me.

Because Jews can't go there, so it's only for people that are not technically Jewish.

It's really just me.

They made it just for me.

Interesting.

It's a hell of one.

Hell for one.

That's cool.

Damn.

I didn't know these fucking talismans were this powerful that we could get Seth.

Channel Seth.

Those are some fire talisman.

My man's got some sick-ass talismans.

Yeah,

we got a Talon of a Raven.

Anyways, that's just a taste of how bad the show would be

if these fucking trolls on the Opian Anthony subbred

don't lay off me.

All right?

Guys, please.

That's what happens.

How many times

you think I won't just quit this show?

You think I won't?

You think I won't have a fucking breakdown on air and quit the show and start uploading cutting videos?

Try me, bitch.

I got a deep soul filled with tears and anger about people criticizing me on the internet.

That's so fucking true.

Nick does have all that stuff.

Anyways, so here we are, folks.

A bit of a delayed episode, but we're here.

We're fucking.

We're sucking.

Yeah, I didn't realize Stav was going to be out of town.

That's really all it is.

That's really all that.

You don't need to have a fucking temper tantrum because the podcast is two days late.

Yeah.

Well, you guys have nothing to do except the podcast.

Stav has been in Portland, Oregon.

Sometimes we have things we have to do.

We actually said said it on the last, I think, probably 11 episodes, that Stav would be in Portland, Oregon.

And guess what?

The boy did it.

I was there.

Thank you to everyone who fucking came out.

There was some hard dick shows.

Seattle.

First of all, he's like, well, you only work two days a week.

And he's like, but yeah, over five years.

I mean, I never held a job longer than three months in my life.

Probably.

Like one or two, I had long jobs, but at least once a month, I'd not show up to work.

Of course.

You know, so you spread that out over six months.

Yeah.

And then it's like kind of the same failure rate.

They're like, oh, well, don't you get paid enough?

It's like, what do you think that money goes to?

You know, like God of War and shit.

I'm going to play PlayStation.

Shit that makes you not want to do podcasts.

Exactly.

I would rather be this bad.

I finally had some time to enjoy myself and play the new God of War on the hardest difficulty setting.

That's how the second to heart, not the complete.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The one that's like legendary or whatever is the hardest.

Not the God of War mode, but the one just right below, which is honestly the hard.

Really, it's hard to get it.

Very, actually, harder because you're not relaxed.

Exactly.

So you're not prepared to get it.

You're not expecting it to be hard, but it's really hard to get it.

There's casual gamers and there's hardcore gamers.

Casual gamers, maybe they have a girlfriend or something.

Hardcore gamers, completely nude.

Jelking while gaming.

Heads in.

And when you factor that in, it's hard.

You're turning your dick into your own ass.

Which is easy.

Anyways, welcome back to Cometown, everybody.

The show where things that are bad are gay and things that are good are extremely straight.

Yeah,

it's so true.

I love these.

Some company made goldfish, but the rabbits, and they got like a little bit of a hint of cheddar.

I think it's

Annie's.

That company, Annie's.

Yes, the organic cheddar.

Shout out to Tranny's rabbit goldfish.

Tranny's rabbit cheddar.

Shout out to everyone in Portland, Seattle, though, for real.

That shit rocks, bro.

Have you guys ever been to those cities?

I think I've been in the city.

I've been to New Orleans and Seattle.

Yeah, yeah.

Shit ruled.

I liked Portland.

It was cool.

I almost moved there.

I ate wings a lot.

I almost moved to Portland.

Yeah.

After Austin, and it was like, why don't I just stay in Austin?

It's the same place.

Yeah.

With less sun.

With less sun and less jobs.

But yeah, it doesn't seem like there's

a reason for people to be there besides

hiking.

It's very chill.

It's chill, dude.

I'm going to go hike places.

I'm going to go hiking with Bobby.

I had a weekend hung out with Bobby.

In Austin.

Yeah.

All right, we went and got barbecue.

That's cute.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a fun guy.

Yeah, Bobby Rules.

Big fat so, though.

Yeah, I know.

Big old fat so.

You heard it here first.

So if the Bobby.

What kind of barbecue did you guys get?

We went to, well, we went down to Lockhart, and the plan, usually, when I go down there, is you go to Creutz's, then Black's and Smitty's, and you get some barbecue from all three.

I love that.

Bang, bang, bang.

You don't know which one's going to be different people.

Who's guys, yes.

But Cretz Market is like right off the fucking highway.

So you end up going there, and it's like, let's just eat here.

And that happens to me every single time.

Oh, really?

So you didn't triple up?

No.

You went to Critz, I got like $100 worth of barbecue.

We ate it.

And then there's like $30 left, and I go get a box, and Mike Suarez throws the shit out.

What?

He just throws out like probably a pound and a half of barbecue.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

Of good meat?

Yes.

Wow.

Stop.

I'm fucking incensed right now, dude.

It was insane.

What the fuck?

Fuck?

Yeah.

I want to eat that fucking barbecue right now.

What if it was a fucking bread?

It was a brisket?

Yeah, brisket.

Prime rib.

Rib?

Prime rib, dude.

Good fucking crust.

$21 a pound.

Oh, my fucking God.

Yeah.

Mike's got to go, dude.

We got to.

Send his ass.

The scope.

About to get the sniper out.

Yeah.

It's about to be a red dot on that motherfucking forehead.

Sniper rifle deaths are legal in Texas.

I feel like Texas, if they're going to continue to execute retarded people, they should do it by sniper rifle.

Yeah.

Why not?

Don't involve them in the trial.

You release them on their own recognizance.

They're like, no, scooter, everything's fine.

That lady came back.

They just taped her neck back together.

Just fine.

And he's like, okay.

And they're like, now go play.

And then, you know, fucking mile and a half away, Chris Kyle.

All this different types of

assembling the sniper.

He's just blindfolded, assembling the sniper rifle.

Always has the blindfold on until he's ready to shoot.

Of course.

And then he lifts it

and he looks directly into the Chuck E.

Cheese front row in the room where the band is playing.

Headshot.

Yeah, headshot.

And then all you see is a fine mist of pink-ass blood on the

headshot.

And then

Sour Patch Kids in Blood on the back wall.

After he realizes

slow motion, the bullet pressing through that retarded guy's head.

Texas style.

He bounces back.

It's too thick.

His skull is too thick.

The lone star state.

Nicochets gets an illegal immigrant child.

Nice, dude.

Ice.

Damn.

Nice reference.

Take that ice.

Yeah, you know what?

Legalize.

How about we legalize ISIS, right?

The terrorists.

Fuck ice, though.

For real.

We got him.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Adam will fuck you up in a fucking fist fight.

If you want to abolish vanilla ice, that guy's.

Yeah.

Woo!

Get out of here.

That guy's a real real piece of dog shit.

Does vanilla ice try to claim like he was like, I was the first wigger?

That was like my thing that I invented.

Nah, that's a tale as old as time, dude.

It is?

Yeah.

Al Jolson.

Jazz guys, I guess.

Yeah.

Those were the first wiggers.

There was

also Doo-Op guys.

All the Greeks that went into Africa.

Yep.

Geometry.

Everyone that learned geometry, that's the first Wigger, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Archimedes.

Yeah.

Darkimedes.

If you did,

he was always sagging his toga.

Yeah.

Darkomedes.

What's up, bitch?

I'm Dorkimedes.

Dorkimedes.

Dork Morkimedes.

Dark Mork.

I don't even know what the fuck Archimedes did.

How about

Mork and Mindy?

It's a show called Dark and Mindy, and it's the 70s still, so it's a show about a black man dating a white woman, and people are like, What?

What is that, an alien?

Yeah,

no, it's just a black guy.

They would treat, yeah,

Mork.

Hey, honestly, Mork would probably get better fucking treatment if you think about it.

In the 70s, as a black guy,

wait, were they mean to Mork?

I don't remember.

I never watched it.

Now I can't unhear it as like a California black guy.

Mork and Mindy.

His mom, me and Mork.

Mork, his girl, Mindy.

Her name's mandy it's a show about a guy named mark and mandy that's black people from over

yeah i'm watching mork and mandy

nah man mork and mandy

it's a different show

oh fuck

yeah boy so how's how's the i've missed you guys how's new york been

without me i refuse to be missed i've we miss we all missed each other tremendously i was having a pretty good time we were only in new york for like two days before you or i guess nick got back on Sunday.

Oh, yeah, we all, yeah, we all did split.

I got back on Monday.

I went to Bobby's for a barbecue when I got back.

That's nice.

So I haven't really even been back.

Yeah.

Once you have a barbecue, that sets you back like, what, three days?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, I had those steak tips that he saw here.

They're amazing.

They're so fucking good.

It's just some weird cut that only some fucking butchery in fucking Boston does.

These sirloin steak tips, and they're like fucking

marinated and some weird shit.

It's so good.

What is tips?

I just, I know of rib tips.

It's the tip of your dick.

It's steak tips.

Your dick is made of steak tips.

I got it.

I don't know.

It's some part of the rib or some shit.

I don't fucking know, dude.

Maybe the fucking shoulder blade.

It fucking ribs.

No.

Sirloin steak tips.

Okay, never mind.

Yeah.

No, I had like three hamburgers, a bunch of those.

Fuck yeah.

Dude, because I go for four.

A lot of people don't realize this.

I can eat.

I can fucking put away food.

I just don't.

Yeah.

You know, but sometimes I just take the

safety off.

Oh, yeah.

Take the governor off.

Safety off.

Fucking gun in the pussy.

Fire away.

Bro, I relapse hard as fucking fucking Seattle.

Next time you do that, it should be me and you.

Yeah.

Let's go.

I'm still in the midst of it.

Did you guys get dinner after this?

I'm down to get dinner.

Do you want to?

I got to pick up my laundry and then let's find a buffet, man.

I don't know if I can go.

Let's go to Fleshing Queens.

No, because if I go hard, I want to go hard.

Where are you trying to go hoard then?

Okay, you know what?

Please don't plan this.

I'm not planning it.

Because the last time you brought us that fucking bullshit new to play late.

That's true.

That place sucks.

I just wanted to have an adventure.

Yeah.

I just wanted to have an adventure.

Adventure.

No.

Fuck out of here with that bullshit.

People love saying that word, adventure.

No, they don't.

Like on Tinder.

When I was on Tinder, this is a classic Adam bit.

People love saying adventure.

The premise is they love saying adventure.

It's true.

Okay.

That word is used too much.

Example number one.

On Tinder, girls are always like,

I'm open to adventure.

Wait, hold on.

You're using Tinder again?

No, I'm not cheating on my dad, Dasha.

I'm not cheating on Dasha.

This is fucked up, dude.

I would be a fool to cheat on Dasha.

And I have publicly stated that if we break up, I will be hooking up with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Is it Ocasio?

Wow, dude, sexualizing a family.

I thought it was young.

I'm not saying young woman.

I'm just saying leader.

We probably have a lot in common.

We're both intellectual.

You're stupid as shit.

We're both

inspirational.

We've only harmed the world.

She's helping a couple of people.

We're both

Latinx.

What's the tour?

N-I-G-G-X.

Have you ever seen that one?

That one's my favorite.

Instead of Latinx.

I think it's Latinx, Nick.

It's Latinx, Nick.

I thought when you can't tell what type of dark they are.

No, come on.

That's what black Dominicans are called.

That's what David Ortiz.

I sent you that video of that Dominican guy that looks exactly like LeBron.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, that shit is so funny.

May Amo LeBron Jange.

It's crazy.

Okay, anyway.

I'm not sexualizing her.

I just think that we're.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

You think she's only a fucking person?

Her or Emily.

Emily Radichowski.

Sextria.

What's her name?

Alexia.

Alexia.

Ashleyxandria.

Alsexria.

Why can't you turn Alexandra into a sexria?

Alex Sandra.

Aslexextria.

Suck Dickyo.

Sam.

That's hard to say.

That's a hard name to say.

Yeah.

No wonder she won the election.

Yeah.

Anyway, we're the number one

of the left.

Alexandra.

Shouts out to Amber Tamblin for having the goof of the week, our new segment.

Oh, that was awesome.

Number one.

Drive your fucking ices out.

Watch out for your housekeeping.

No, no, that wasn't her.

No, that wasn't her.

That was some other white bitch.

That was some dumb shit, too.

Look, we're coming for white women on this podcast.

Oh, yeah.

You thought white men were the worst?

Not really.

No.

They got

all the racial.

White white men.

Yeah.

Those are the bad.

So gay white men are the best because they're gay white men are like Darth Vader, basically.

In what sense?

They're allowed to be extremely powerful.

Is this because you started a secret gay Snapchat and they're the most people that are paying your bills?

No, it's because they're beyond criticism, but unlike white women, they do have real power and that most of them are very rich and own a shit ton of real estate in San Francisco.

Basically, every gay white man has at least four or five problems.

That's true.

Yeah.

Absolutely correct.

Yeah, they're dinks.

Dinks, right?

They're all double incomes, double incomes.

They're all drug lords.

No, no, no, no.

Nick's on to something.

They're all drug lords.

They have four homes.

Yeah.

Many of them.

What drugs are they selecting besides paupers, which are illegal?

Many of them are on local liquor boards, which gives them a lot of power in the community.

They're like the Nucky Thompsons.

Yeah.

Have you seen that movie Milk, dude?

Yeah.

That dude was all about.

It's about gay guys replacing milk with cum

and turning a bunch of whole generation

Harvey Cum

anyways

Yes, go ahead.

Yeah, goof of the week first she criticizes Maxine Waters

for

endorsing a white man over a black woman

only problem she had with her incredible

Maxine Waters told people to be rude to people in wrestling yeah Maxine Waters rocked for that one.

And she told him to shoot her.

Yeah, that rocked.

She's like, yeah, you know.

Just some old bitch telling you, go ahead, motherfucker, shoot me.

She's like a representative of like South Central L.A., right?

Yes.

I think so.

Anyways, so she's, yeah, goes in on Maxine Waters.

I need to talk about Maxine Waters for not blindly endorsing a black woman.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's how fuck, I don't know, Ayana something.

Ayana Duki.

Ayana Duki.

she didn't give her she didn't endorse her for seller spots

anyways

so that was her crazy and then you know then she accidentally summoned black girl magic and then I went in on Amber for hell yeah so then Amber Tamblin apologizes saying you're absolutely right I have no right to question

a perfect black right

gorgeous somebody holding public office yeah if they're black has no accountability to me whatsoever

So she did something stupid, then apologized for the wrong thing.

And then, when the apology didn't work, now she's claiming she's getting death threats, which probably fake because there's no, I mean, there's nothing on Twitter.

People are like, yeah, you know, that's all publicly searchable.

She's like, did I say the death threats were on Twitter?

Where were they on?

No, because I said it, it's a different one that you can't search.

They're like, people are sending you fucking telegrams.

Yeah, yeah.

Letters with different letters cut out from magazines.

Yeah.

Untraceable.

So, apologizes for the wrong thing, and then when that doesn't work, makes yourself the victim.

So, that's the goof of the week.

And then she made, and then David Cross made a statement.

Friend of the show,

maybe former friend of the show, made a statement that he's now having to revise.

She's making him revise all of his racism and problematic thoughts.

That's gay.

She's making him sit in a

15 years ago in a room and think about all the bad things.

He said like a walk and wall to Charlene Yee or whatever the fuck.

Pretty solid.

Hold his eyes back.

I think we should say publicly David Cross.

At Chinese Kurt Cobain.

It's us or her, right?

Are we going to say that?

What?

Oh, making David Cross pick between us or Amber Tamlin?

I think that's fair.

Yeah, sure.

Yep.

So David, you have 24 hours.

24 hours to receive.

From when this podcast goes up, which let me give you a little hint right now.

Friday.

You know how the episode was two days late?

If you choose Amber, guess what?

We're never doing this show again.

Yep.

Uh-oh.

That's right, Dave.

So it's on you.

I will kill myself.

Nick will kill himself.

End of the show, and it's going to be on you and the Opie and Anthony subreddit.

Yep.

So don't do it, guys.

And I know where you got married, and it was at my Jewish summer camp.

It was?

Yeah.

How do you know that?

They rented it out in upstate New York.

Damn.

That's pretty cool.

Big brat.

Have you ever been rented out?

I have been.

You do it in your asshole?

Yeah.

Has that been rented out?

I wasn't awake.

So.

Yeah, you can't really remember.

Yeah, your eyes were open.

Anyway.

You ever see that freaky shit where someone will fucking fall asleep with their eyes open?

I hate that.

My dog does that.

That's fucked up, dude.

Anytime anyone fucking falls asleep with their eyes open, you should be able to slap the fuck out of them.

Yeah, that's my take.

I want to get another eyeball put in my ass.

Just right my asshole oh no man and then the all-seeing eye so you can look at and i just stick my ass at out of a tower

a big tower

eye

silence

your ass is going to see ever seeing the village

yeah the the lord speaks silence

They worship a deity, which is an asshole eye.

Yeah.

Imagine your ass

you shoot pointed into a scope of a sniper

you would never shoot a town of dwarves with my ass

okay all right that's how you know i've been playing too much god of war

an ogre whose face is an ass with an eyeball in it

oh so have you actually been going in on god of war oh yeah it's great it's actually

good um no i didn't say that it's a little overrated maybe i don't like uh i don't like the one-shot camera i think that's a bad idea camera's too close and all the like you just get hit from behind all the fucking time and people are like oh well you know you suck at the game it's like well i was fine that the other dogs i don't know i did to change something that wasn't broken is it online or is it a story um

i don't know what that means it's a story like a multiplayer game no no no yeah it's a story you just play through the campaign

yo george so i was hanging out with my friend george in seattle in portland my man got a switch that zelda game looks fun as shit.

Yeah, I really used to play that all the time when I live with her.

I want to get it for the plane to Australia.

I did get it.

Are we going to Australia?

What's going on?

We are.

Yeah, we are.

Okay, nice.

Yeah,

those tickets are posted.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, they fixed the dates.

Oh, nice.

They didn't change them.

They fixed them.

Fixed them.

They fixed them to the original.

Yeah.

Nice.

I can't wait.

I have a Switch.

I just bought one.

We should all get one and then not talk to each other and play Mario Tennis against each other.

Nah, dude, what we should play is overbaked.

What's that?

Overcooked.

No, that's my one opportunity to get back into reading.

Nah, dude, reading.

You want to read so many goddamn books on that page?

I just got

a book.

I bet you won't.

Yes, I will.

No.

Yes, I will.

I just bought a book that Max recommended, and I'm really sucked to read it called 1488.

How to live when your friend Adam is gay, the novel.

Yeah, by Adam.

I'm reading a different book called 1488.

What's that?

It's about how to deal with you.

What is that number?

Can you tell me more about that?

Some easy, real-world solutions

to keeping your your community safe and pure.

What is that?

It's kind of like a neighborhood planning book.

It's like an urban planning book.

It's like an urban planning book.

Yeah, yeah.

And in certain ways, yeah.

No.

Oh, well, anyway, this book, 1491.

There's all these people email messaging.

Is the show officially over now?

I guess somebody said that the show is canceled.

I said it was canceled today.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, because like 5,000 people were at replying to my cool World Cup tweets.

I was like, post the episode, Bug, and all this stuff.

So I just told him the show was canceled.

That's good.

Because

I'm an agent.

You're a fucking prankser, dude.

Yeah.

I'm the one who knocks.

Knock on my nuts.

I'm knocking your pay for doing that.

Did you see?

There was a picture of Fran Dresher

with her titties out.

Like, she's wearing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was incredible, bro.

You go, girl.

I am so.

I was hard as shit looking at that.

Yeah, I would have beat off probably, but I was around her.

Her and Sarandon are like those two little Susan

Fran dresser.

Absolutely.

Dude, dress.

Fran is looking good as fuck.

Like, Susan Sarandon's hot, old lady hot with those big old lady hats.

How old's Fran?

She's probably in her 16 to suck.

But this shit, this particular picture, Fran was looking straight up good for any age.

Fran was in Spinal Tap.

She's been around forever.

Is this it?

No, no.

That's not her.

This is some Italian woman.

Fucked up floppy titties.

Is this the one?

Oh, yeah.

I love those fake ones, man, when they're just smiling hard as shit.

It's like taken from a paparazzi photo of them bringing their child to school

and then they cut their head off that picture and put it on.

It's just surrounded by cops.

And the lighting's always so much better on the face.

No,

she was in an outfit.

I don't know, dude.

But I was like, God fucking damn.

I saw that this week, too fran mr fran let me eat that pussy let me slide

let me slide my tongue uh uh where is this picture i i don't know i'm on the news tab on google and i put in fran dressher tits i don't think that'll do don't do tits that's not newsworthy language fran dress they would say breasts or no they wouldn't they would just say fran dresser

She she knew she wasn't wearing a bra and she was her body was looking right

right and tight

I would honestly just beat you to a pulp, Adam, to have sex with Fran Drescher.

Fran Dresher, Obamacare.

He never wears it.

Buter and cancer detection options.

That's not it.

Just look up Fran Drescher.

You know what?

I can't find it.

I'll find it for you.

Anyways.

So?

Yeah, dude.

I would love to fuck Fran Dresher.

What did you guys do for the solstice?

Dude, just me and a couple boys got together, got the crystals out.

You know what?

I think I'm done with fireworks, too.

Oh, yeah?

Bold proclamation.

I didn't even go.

I got bored.

I didn't even go see him.

Oh, I see him.

I sat in my apartment all day.

I went to my rich YouTuber friend's apartment

and watched them

watch his roof.

Yeah, it's PewDiePie.

You went to PewDiePie's apartment?

No, my friend just started this YouTube channel like a year ago, and now he's like a millionaire.

Nice.

Sounds stupid.

It was kind of stupid.

He has a telescope in his living room.

Did you look at the fireworks through the telescope?

No, we looked on his roof.

It's for finding Adam's tip.

Why was he nervously laughing?

Is it because it's true?

Your dick is small?

It's not a telescope.

It's a microscope.

Hey.

Dude, don't make us pull your dick out right now.

You used the wrong word.

Don't make us pull your dick out and suck it to show you who's boss, which I will do.

That's what that show, Who's the Boss, is about.

Tony Danza.

What are you doing?

Come on, don't do that to me.

Every character sucks his dick.

That's a fun show.

Grown Italian men being sexually molested.

That is pretty good.

Because it's funny.

It's a grown man.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Especially an Italian.

It's not a sex crime if it's a grown man.

No, that's what the Omerta is.

If you get

molested as a led men, you're not allowed to snitch.

That's how they get you into the mafia.

It's a blowback.

You get sexed in.

Yeah, you get sexed in like the crips to women, apparently.

Which that's how you do camaraderie.

Everyone gets a little piece of that pussy, and then they know they can trust you.

Film review time, folks.

I saw

the first purge yesterday

in the theatre

with Dasha.

Was it good?

Was they re-released the purge?

It's the first purge.

It is the

one of the gayest movies, biggest pieces of shit ever.

Well, yeah, dude, it's all the same.

But it wasn't like fun piece of shit.

It was just like, oh,

this sucks.

It was like very clearly a cast of black people

with a

script with a lot of AAVE that was very obviously written by a white person.

It was like, now you and OG.

You know, like, that was like the whole dialogue.

Yeah, the story is that the first purge took place on Staten Island.

Oh, nice.

And you got paid to be part of the purge, but then I don't want to do a spoiler because I got in trouble last time I did a spoiler.

But the one thing I will say is that they completely ignored the Italian population of Staten Island.

Oh, really?

And they made it just sound like an island of black people.

And I was very offended.

There weren't any mafiosas?

I was very offended on behalf of all Italians on Staten Island that they were not represented in the first purge.

And I just want to publicly state that they should be ashamed of themselves for cultural erasure.

Okay, noted.

Duly noted.

This is the original purge.

The first purge is the fourth purge movie.

There's been four fucking purge movies.

They're fun movies.

Fourth.

The premise is you get to do whatever crime you want.

Yeah.

Just make nine versions of that.

And it's all juggalo kind of mask.

Is there ever a guy just?

It feels like we've made

a guy downloading child pornography during the purge.

Yeah, we've done that for sure.

yeah i'm sure

sounds about right i'll tell you i watched last night the other sister nice uh which is funny because i didn't realize it at the time but

rosie o'dnell retarded one no that's riding the bus with my sister a lot of sister movies that are about retards sister act

oh just no we did that already too

anyways I didn't realize fucking Sean Penn in I Am Sam is just doing Juliet Lewis and the Other Sister.

He's not doing an impression of any retarded person I've ever seen.

And then they made the mistake of casting, I mean, again, we've already talked about this, but actual retarded people in the movie.

The other sister, they don't do that.

It's just Giovanni Rabisi, who's Italian, but not retarded.

So close enough.

Did you know that Sean Penn is actually named after his father, Sean Penn?

And he's actually the 14th in line.

He's the 14th Sean Penn.

So his son, Sean Penn, the 15th, will technically be

Penn 15th.

Nice.

That's great.

That's

good, man.

That's really good.

Yeah.

Penn 15.

It must be a lucky name.

If he's feeling lucky, he should go gamble.

He should bet on it.

He should bet at betthesi.com.

A website where you can gamble that's been in business for over 20 years.

You can't go to the bathroom because you have to be here for this.

So sit the fuck down, please.

Oh, I got a prediction, actually.

Yeah.

Anyways, they got an easy-to-use mobile playing interface.

You play when, you get paid.

A great mobile app, too.

So you can use it anyway.

They offer live in-game wage ring so you can make plays throughout the entire game, change your bet, you know, re-neg.

Renag.

Yeah,

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Come on, man.

They pay us money for this.

He just said a word.

I just said a word.

Anyways, I play there myself, and I recommend Betty.

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Rent a car and just go fuck eyes in Cleveland.

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That is sports.

Stuff like the

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Like the

Cherry Blossom Festival.

You can bet on the trees.

How beautiful will they be?

How beautiful will the trees be?

Berry or not that beautiful?

Yeah, well, how many Japanese people will show up to the Cherry Blossom Festival?

Will anyone commit seppuku?

Which is weird because it's like you gave them to us.

Just stay in fucking Japan and look at yours, motherfuckers.

Don't be an Indian giver.

Go bet on kabuki plays.

That's exactly.

Go see a kabuki play and just point at people and say,

what do you want to bet?

You know, go over to betdsi.com, put some money on them.

That's right.

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That's completely moral.

You can boot against it.

You find a player whose child has cancer.

Yeah.

You can bet on when that player's child is going to die.

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Bang Russia in the World Cup.

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They keep winning.

Because it's fixed.

It's fucking rigged.

The lucky stoppage pick of the day.

My pick is obviously I'm going with jolly old Ingerland.

Football is coming om.

I like what people expect the Russians not to lie.

As if that's not just

the biggest part of their culture.

They love lying and cheating.

Yeah, except for one Russian.

That's my girlfriend, Dosh.

She's the only one.

They are honest, actually.

She's not all of lying and cheating.

It is funny.

They are like uniquely untrustworthy.

It's in their blood.

Yeah.

You got to respect that about that.

They don't even have a word for honesty.

You know that, right?

Yeah.

They don't have a word for integrity.

They don't.

They have seven words for loan shark in their language, but not one for.

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They're like our cousins.

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Damn, that rocks.

Yep, that fucking rocks.

I haven't been watching any World Cup.

I feel like a damn bitch.

I watched today.

I watched Brazil.

I've been doing drugs like a motherfucker, dude.

I've done acid and mushrooms.

I haven't done anything.

I thought, you know, because we had a couple extra days that there would be all this shit to talk about, but really, I just stayed barbecue and went to a hotel pool and then watched the other sister.

What hotel pool did you go to?

Did you get a nice ticket?

There's a fucking hotel pool in Austin.

In the city?

Oh, Bobby's hotel.

A little hotel pool.

Did you kiss Bobby?

I did.

In the hotel pool.

He's got great lips, doesn't he?

Yeah, well,

gift of gab comes with great lips.

Bobby's got a really good look, don't you think?

I think so.

Great look.

Personally, I do.

He was great.

Bobby was trying to make fun of Mike Suarez, and he pulls up a picture of a blobfish on his phone.

He's like, Doesn't he look like this?

And the phone is in between Michael and Bobby.

And Bobby looks way more like a blockfish.

Just exactly like a cobfish.

And they go, yeah, I guess it looks like him.

Michael kind of looks like an owl.

He does look like an owl.

That owl that eats candy to attract children.

The Tootsie Roll Pope.

The Tootsie Roll Owl.

I'll never forgive him for fucking throwing away that fucking barbecue, dude.

Yeah.

That makes me so fucking mad.

Oh, yeah.

No, he's a philosophical.

He's a real piece of shit.

Fucking piece of shit, Michael.

He's what we call a piece of shit in the business.

Do you want to do a memorial to your favorite comedian?

Nanette.

To Nanette?

Hannah Gatsby?

Oh, yeah, I watched it.

You mean Sean Rouse?

I watched this thing, Nanette.

Yeah, R.I.P.

Sean Rouse.

My favorite comic in D.C.

dies, and now is my favorite comic.

Who?

Oh, Dylan.

Well, not my favorite comic.

I mean, I was friends with the guy.

I just thought he was probably the best.

That's very funny.

I said that I'm on record.

You're on record.

I did say that.

And then Sean Rouse, I've said numerous times, is my favorite comedian.

A lot of people.

Guess what I said was my favorite subreddit?

The Opi and Anthony.

Guess who's got a curse coming?

The curse of the Mull Dog.

That's right.

I did read a very nice, touching obituary from that Stan Hope wrote where he called him the best comedian no one knew about or whatever.

But it was very well written and very sweet.

If you guys,

whatever.

Cool, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

That joke about about the boy whore dying in the tsunami.

Okay, well, we already said R.I.P.

Sean, so we don't need to join us.

Yeah, we don't have to drag this out.

Time is precious.

Anyway, you guys want to talk about

because this show's going smooth as hell.

You guys want to talk about Nanette?

No.

We already talked about Nanette.

Did we?

No, we haven't.

I like to call her Vanette because with that ass, she looks like a fucking conversion.

Fat.

What do you got?

A goddamn RV in the show?

Yeah, here's some other names I've been workshopping for.

With Waldo.

How about that?

Who's Waldo?

Go off.

Yeah.

You got more?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, there's a lot of problems with saying that.

Did you watch it?

I just read

the trailer.

I watched it.

Did you watch the special?

I watched it.

Yeah, I watched the whole thing.

Wait, are you for real?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, everybody.

I feel like you have to.

I want to.

I want to fuck when I watch.

I just watched the trailer with Sav, and we were both.

First of all, you're a professional comedian.

You should be watching every special that comes out.

I have been.

I watched a couple of people.

This is your, I mean, you're

presumably involved in this business.

You should be.

I watched Tim's 15 Minutes.

But Nanette is not a comedy special.

It's a one-woman special.

He edited Tim Weird.

He comes off weird in that.

Yeah, it was kind of.

He's way too eager.

And that's not how Tim is.

That's not Tim's.

Yeah, it did feel different to him live.

Yeah.

But congrats to Tim, our friend.

Yeah, shuts up, Timmy.

Timmy.

But, yeah, but it's not, right?

It's not a comedy special.

nuts.

It's a one-woman show, right?

I mean, I guess.

Were there punchlines?

There were.

I mean, it's like, you know, it just seems like shitty Australian comedy.

But then there's a whole section there about how she was raped.

Yikes.

Oh, that's what it's about?

Yeah, she's like, men rape me.

I was ripe.

Oh, geez, Louis.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Trust me because I write me.

It's like...

She said it like that.

Don't do it in a funny voice.

Did she say?

Yeah, exactly.

If you want us to take you seriously.

Yeah, that's fucked up.

Did she say the N-word or

implied it?

Yeah, I mean, we all know what she means by men.

A whole pack of them.

They were wilding out.

Yeah.

A whole pack of men wilding.

A bunch of.

They all came out of a wilding.

Well, she is from Tasmania.

Is she?

Really?

Yeah.

That's where they're naked.

That's where they come from.

Damn, dude.

We're going to be banned from the country before we come up with them.

Probably.

I'm sure.

Isn't all user, like, except for Jimmy.

It is funny.

Everyone's imagining.

It is funny to imagine.

It's not incredible.

To imagine Nanette, like

just, you know, she's just going about her day or whatever in Tasmania, and then there's like a little tornado that comes up and she just gets sucked into the tornado, and then the tornado leaves, and her hair's all fucked up, and she's covered in clumps.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Well, that's how it happened happened in Tasmania.

Wow.

Look, I'm just pitching jokes for her to use.

That would have been a good one.

That would have been a good one.

Well, you know, I'm from Tasmania, so you know how it happens there.

A real devil, that guy.

Yeah, he was a devil.

A bad guy.

Is Tasmania in Australia then?

No, I think it's like

an island off the coast of Australia, but it's part of Australia.

Yeah.

And real Tasmanian devils are like little fucked-up dogs.

Yeah, they're like Wolverines.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like, yeah.

It's pretty cool.

Well, I'm mad you guys didn't go with me on the little tornado bit.

Yeah, no, I thought it was because people are going to get upset about that.

I thought it was a good idea.

I wanted all of us to participate in it instead of just me.

No, well, I'm.

Adam's jealous of the way she does comedy.

I was wearing flip-flops.

Adam, maybe you should get a big wide ass like that, and that would help your

career.

Yeah, well, people do like their comics.

For the record, I'm not body shaming her.

Those pants were a mistake to wear, especially.

What kind of pants was she wearing?

Well, her pants were too tight, but she was like, They're being like sucked into her ass,

and then they keep shooting her from behind, yeah, and it looks like her pants are

close-up on her ass.

Most of it, yeah, most of the specialty.

Wait, so it was a shot, it was shot ass first.

It was.

I see, I think that's a mistake for a

comedy special.

You're going to want to see the face.

Yeah, I'd do that, do a comedy special, and then it keeps showing from behind, and my pants and shirt are shoved into my ass.

And what, you got to press two for English?

It would be great to just have, yeah, your ass is completely visible, there's a hole cut in your pants, and the actual shirt is literally just completely fucking dildoed up your ass.

Why need to see the cheeks?

I didn't care to investigate it, but it seemed like Jake was getting into fights with people about Nanette on Twitter or something.

Yeah, I'm sure everybody wants to fight about it.

I don't know.

Because it's either you're in two camps.

You're either on a New York comic and you have to say it's bad, or you're a Los Angeles comic and you have to pretend like you've fucking had some sort of emotional breakthrough watching it.

Yeah.

You're like, wow, this changed how i thought about comedy forever i used to think it was about using mannerism tricks and singing your punchlines right

um talking about go okay

i thought i thought it was saying so that's a thing so instead of actually having any sort of joke really but instead it's just recounting your trauma to a theater full of people yeah but in it like I didn't see it, obviously, but it seemed like it was like done like she's doing a special and then she's like, you know what?

Never mind.

But like, if it was spontaneous in a single performance, then that would be like, okay, she's like breaking the whole

format.

But if you're doing that night in and night out, like, you know what?

Never mind.

Then it's just contrived and stupid.

Yeah, of course, right?

Well, it's a performance.

I mean, every time.

I mean, yeah.

We're not.

Yeah, that's not a knock on the.

But of all the ways to criticize Nanette, you pick the dumbest one.

Why?

You

She made it seem like it was spontaneous, but it turns out she wrote her material.

You basically do everything people that don't understand comedy say about comedy.

No, I'm not saying that.

Did we just come up with all that stuff on the fly?

No, I wasn't.

I came to the early show, and that was all the same shit.

That's not what I was saying.

That's literally what you were saying.

No, what I'm saying is that it's presented as she's going to be doing an hour of comedy, and then she pulls the rug by stopping doing the comedy.

And it's supposed to feel like spontaneous.

No?

I don't know.

What the fuck are you doing?

I haven't even seen it.

So what are we even talking about?

I don't know.

I did see the trailer, and she said that

people think she looks like a bloke,

which was

pretty funny.

Pretty good.

Yeah, it's a pretty funny joke.

You know what I look like?

And then she did that for.

She did like a Cameron Esposito.

People think I'm a black.

Yeah, that's the thing.

It's like, I really don't understand how what she does is any different than what Cameron Esposito does.

In fact,

let me see if Cameron said that she likes Nanette, because I feel like she would hate it.

That's true.

Do you think Cameron Esposito is like

of shitty comedy?

Yeah.

I would be...

And I mean, I don't know Cameron Esposito.

I don't know her fucking emotional state, but I would imagine.

Because all of these people are self-serving fucking narcissists anyways.

I would...

Is there anything called?

yeah.

I wonder what Fran Dressher's up to right now.

I wonder if her fucking old titties are out.

Yeah, why are you getting up and walking?

And how much how sweet they would taste?

What's the oldest titty you've ever sucked, Adam?

Um

my mom, no, no, no, no, no.

I guess

I'm a little older.

Sexually, what's the oldest titty you've ever sucked and how did it feel?

I had sex with

you know what?

I I don't know if I've

I've I not that old.

Not that old.

Yeah, me neither.

I'm curious.

Yeah.

I'm curious if it's like beef jerky if titties get gamey.

No.

I mean, they've been sucked on a lot.

Even if you don't have kids, if you're fucking your whole life, you'd imagine your titty is getting sucked.

You know.

Yeah, but they're not

doctors.

Yeah, I don't see any tweets here about NetAntet.

Now, granted, this is only going back to June 29th.

Didn't it just come out, though?

No, it came out last week.

It did?

Yeah.

Just

search Nanette.

Nanette Cameron Space.

I mean, I'm sure that she has to have like one obligatory nanette,

but the amount of tweets about her own special, that's so funny.

It's, you know, it's like.

You know, she's mad.

Yeah.

For sure.

She's got to be mad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because this honesty, doing something like this is kind of like what her whole career has been building up to.

I know.

And you know what?

It's like that actually rules off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you look at it, she's

by cucking

the American fucking version of her.

Salute.

Oh,

I feel like Cameron's probably sitting around just pissed off, going, She's not even Hispanic.

Well, isn't that what she tried to do with rape jokes?

Doesn't she have a special called?

She has a special about rape jokes that people aren't talking about because people are talking about Nanette.

Yeah, damn.

Damn.

You think Cameron

run the hit on Nanette?

Dude, Why is it called Nanette?

Her name's Hannah.

They explain it in this bag.

Nah, that's a problem right there, bro.

Right there, I don't like that.

Your name's Hannah.

Name your special Hannah.

Hannah.

Nanette, the fuck does that mean?

That means I'm calling you Nanette.

Little nanna.

I don't know.

To be honest, little nanette.

I kind of zoned out here and there while watching it because I was looking up the different types of wheat thins on Wikipedia.

Ooh, what kind of thing?

What are there?

Is there like a sour cream and onion?

Nah, they got this.

There's rosemary.

They got this sun-dried tomato and basil one now.

Is that good?

It's good, but it fucks up your breath, dude.

I can imagine.

It's fucking, yeah.

It honestly sounds like the pain is worth the pleasure, if you ask me.

I would love that.

Yeah, it's like having sex.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The pain is worth the pleasure.

It hurts my penis to have sex.

It does literally hurt my penis.

My delicate.

No joke.

It hurts my penis about 30% of the times I have sex.

Does it?

Yeah, dude.

My fucked up foreskin.

Your foreskin.

Haven't you been working on it?

Nah, dude, I got lazy.

Okay, yeah.

Stretching my foreskin out.

Look, dude, I straight up, I'm I'm back at June 14th now.

Not a single fucking tweet about you.

Ooh, damn.

Yeah.

What about her wife?

There are people, I just searched both of their names.

There are people that are saying, if you like NedNet, you should check out Cameron Esposito's Red Community.

Those are bots.

Yeah.

No, those are just lesbian women.

Yeah, that's probably true.

Oh, that is so funny, dude.

That is hilarious.

That is.

I wish this wasn't such a low-energy podcast that I could get excited about.

I'm actually legitimately very stoked on it.

I know.

That's so funny.

It rocks.

Cameron Esposito hates Nanette and that is actually a big scoop of our part.

Yeah, yeah.

We just cracked the code.

What about her girlfriend, Rhea?

That's her wife, dude.

Her wife.

First of all,

her name isn't Cameron Esposito's wife.

She's a human rights lawyer.

Her name is Amal Clooney.

Damn, I want to be some fucking successful woman's little baby.

First of all, her name is Jamal Clooney.

She's a six foot seven black man that pegs George Clooney.

She's not George Clooney's wife.

She's a black man.

Her name is Michael Jamal Murray.

Kareem Abdul Jamal Clooney.

Clooney's probably gay, right?

Yeah.

What?

He's probably gay?

Yeah, you're listening to the George Clooney podcast.

This is George Clooney.

You're listening to to Get a Clooney, the George Clooney podcast.

He said he met his wife through his agent, which is how a gay man meets a person.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah,

I had my agent assign the wife to me

from Africa.

How are you for real?

You guys think he said that on Letterman?

I didn't until he said that on Letterman.

Yeah, that's the look.

First of all, Stav is dumb as fuck and doesn't know a single thing about anything besides who's gay and who has sex.

Fuck what tastes taste like.

That's the only thing he fucking knows.

So I will always defer to stop on issues.

Well, I never thought he was gay because I thought, like, because I did think he was gay.

He does the exact measurements of everyone's cock.

Because he used to fuck Stacey Keebler, and that's a not-gay man selection.

Yeah.

That's a horny straight man selection.

You know, I just trashed a wrestler from Baltimore, dude.

Hell yeah.

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Every time we do something as dumb as that, I just think of those two dads with that podcast in the Midwest that are like, what the hell are they doing?

You know, on my way back to New York, I flew from Portland to New York.

I stopped and I fucked those guys in the ass.

Chicago.

Are they from Chicago?

I think they are.

Yeah, I told them to meet me in Chicago and I told them never disrespect me.

And then I sucked both their dicks to completion.

Just as a little, now I have a little piece of them, always, because I swallowed their nut as well.

So I just want you guys to know I'm out there defending our honor.

And if anybody says anything about our podcast being bad,

you got a date with my mouth.

You're cock my mouth.

I'm almost

to just say that Nan, just really just go hard defending Nanette now because of out of spite.

We got to do it.

We're playing Nanette.

You should.

I mean, honestly, if you have to compare the two, I mean, Atspy's a million times better.

I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah.

And there really is only room for one.

Yeah, of course.

Camera Esposito sucks.

She fucking sucks.

Yeah.

I'm going on record.

Damn, Adam, going on record.

I like the new Adam

that takes risks.

Taking stands.

Well, he, you know, he's got the same body type.

And there can only be one.

The same haircut, same haircut.

I don't have

a bad thing.

Gets his ass eaten the same way.

I don't have the fucking side mullet.

Both George Clooney's a little bit more.

I think pretty much every time

I've seen her do anything in stand-up, she's been like, uh, I got like a side mullet.

If you haven't guessed, I'm a lesbian and I got a side mullet.

Go off.

Go off, man.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Go off, princess.

Keep going, young lord.

Fuck this.

Keep going, man.

Are we trying to get Rant Adam to be a big part of the show?

Adam.

Rant Adam.

She's not half the comic that I'll tell you in a minute.

Go off.

The Rant Boy becomes the Rant Boy.

Yeah.

Tom Monk.

Stay on Cameron.

Leave Tom alone.

Yeah.

She's never.

What about the way she dresses?

Yeah.

Or I don't care how she dresses.

Come on, man.

She's hack.

Come on, dude.

Come on.

Say bad stuff about her.

Cameron Esposito's so.

What about the fact that she's a lesbian, dude?

Say that.

Talk shit about her.

There's nothing wrong with her being a lesbian.

Go on record.

Go on record.

There are plenty of comedians that are gay.

Talk about how it's bad that she's a listener.

I don't think it's that shit.

Say it.

Say it's unnatural.

Say it.

Tim's gay.

Just one time, but he doesn't really.

Say it's bad.

Time.

Say it's bad.

It is bad, but Tim's gay.

Yeah, we got it, dude.

You're a little bit more.

Two little devils on your shoulder.

I love my little devils.

Oh, hell yeah.

I love my little devil.

You got one devil that's like,

call her a fag.

The other devil's like, doi in his voice.

Doy in his voice.

And I'm out here snacking on deviled eggs and motherfucking devil cakes as well yeah which are nothing about getting into little cakes

I love little cakes I know I've been watching great I got back into Great British Bake Off should I should we go ahead I've been watching season four should we get dessert after this fuck yeah fuck dinner dude let's go straight to dessert or do you guys want to get breakfast dinner

I'm good on that, actually.

We just had to.

How do you feel about breakfast dinner?

I fuck with it from time to time.

I did that last night.

Dasha just fucked around and made a delicious avocado toast.

Thank you.

So I'm all very nice.

I'm all set off breakfast.

Very nice.

Feeling

feeding your hungry boys.

Stavocado.

Stavocado.

Yeah.

Avocados is your nasty.

It's the green shit that comes out of his sealed dick.

No.

Yeah.

Nothing green has ever come out of my dick.

You're trying to have some stavocado.

Smagma.

It's extra infected.

Why don't you get your bitch to

get your bitch to put on a little stavocado, pussy?

Yeah.

Walk around in some fucking Mac weldings.

Yeah, if only I had Mac weldings to antimicrobials.

Clean my stavocado up.

All right.

I guess it's time to get the newspaper out, huh?

Okay, we can.

I mean, we can, dude.

We got a lot of I like this new thing we do where the show's bad, but it's four and a half hours long.

Yeah, that's

for an hour ready?

Yeah.

Probably.

We're close.

Good.

We owe them more.

We do owe them more.

We don't owe them shit, dude.

Shit.

This is the worst part of the day.

Figuring out

the newspaper is today.

Fuck the newspaper.

Dude, you're a sheep reading the news, man.

I make my own news.

I make the fucking news.

Yeah.

You go out.

I'm scared because I got the newspaper out.

Yeah.

You're going to whip.

I always wanted a dog that brings me the newspaper.

You know, into my office.

Poindexter, get in here.

It seems hard to train a dog.

Come here.

Come here, George Clooney's wife.

No, I'm sorry.

That's my dog's name, George Clooney's wife.

No, I wasn't talking about a Jamal Clooney.

I was talking about my dog, whose name is George Clooney's wife.

Dude, Amal could get it, though.

Yeah.

Look at this.

These guys, these ice agents, literally, they're wearing fucking Darth Vader masks.

Yeah, dude.

I mean, they're fucking pieces of shit.

But, I mean, it's got a Darth Vader mask on.

Do you think ICE could truly

fuck shit up?

What do you mean?

I don't know, man.

Do you think...

I don't even understand that question.

Do you think that do I truly think that ICE could fuck shit up?

Like, okay, they're fucking training them with guns and shit more so.

And fucking.

Damn, dude.

Stop's question hour.

Fucking.

I don't know, man.

Yeah.

I'm kind of.

I'm actually scared.

That's right.

Articulate, my brother.

I'm actually scared a little bit that these motherfuckers might do some raids.

They're talking about denaturalizing fucking already citizens.

What about what if they come from my mom, dude?

Who's saying that?

Dude, some fucking guy on Twitter said it, dude.

So it must be fucking true.

Lil Venetia can't be back in Greece.

She's too delicate, dude.

Is she?

Greece seems tight.

No, Greece sucks.

Greece, which my only exposure is the God of War franchise.

Is that set in Greece?

Well, I mean, you know, he's an ancient

Lord.

Aries?

That's his name?

No, he kills Aries in the first one.

Damn, that's fucking sorry.

Aries tricks him into killing his own wife and daughter.

Damn.

He has to kill Aries.

That's fucked up.

Damn.

And then he becomes the God of War.

Oh, that's tight.

And then in the second game, he pisses off Zeus, so he has to kill Zeus.

He becomes Zeus?

Well, he doesn't become Zeus.

He doesn't play this shit, dude.

It's all Greek style.

Yeah.

No, a God of Zeus.

The first two games are, like, fucking amazing.

The second one is, like, one of the best games I've ever played.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah.

The third one was like okay.

It was like

I bought PlayStation 3 just to play it.

and uh, I mean, it looked cool, but it wasn't as fun, and then this one's the same thing where it's like, but this one's all like Norse bullshit.

Oh, fuck that, they got gods too, dude.

They got Odin, yeah, but Norse mythology is stupid, yeah.

Loki's a little bitch, yeah, dude.

Have you not seen Ragnarok?

So, how about instead of Netflix and Chill, Ragnarok?

Ragnarok?

I'm sorry, you mean George Clooney's wife?

Wait, hold on, I forgot.

I'm mad the wrong way.

Let me read those people just don't know what they're mad about anymore they're like amal clooney uh don't you mean george clooney's wife wait do boy hold on what am i mad about now what's the best kind of mythology greek probably for sure mythology is i does ireland have mythology do they have little gods and no they have what like celtic paganism yeah they got uh like weird knock yeah they yeah right they think like the trees make rope or something

it's a clearing and the trees were rope like what do you think Stonehenge was?

What do you think they were doing out there?

Stonehenge was like a clock, right?

Or a calendar or something?

You think they did fucked up shit over there?

Hell yeah, dude.

They fuck bitches over there.

Yeah, dude.

That's where you would

roll your bitch out.

Tell her on a leash.

You wish to put on some underpants.

Really?

They would display her out in the middle of...

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

I was laughing the other day about you move the bedsty, you gentrify it, but then you get a black girlfriend, you walk her around on a leash around the the neighborhood.

She holds you on a neasha.

No, you walk her on a leash.

I forgot how I arrived at that point.

It wasn't just that, it was a series of jokes that led to that.

Did it some kind of dom sub-thing?

Yeah, kind of.

It's consensual, but like, imagine you've lived here, you're a black person, you've lived here all your life when there was no public services available in this neighborhood.

And now, some lanky, and then some guy in like a stussy hat

and like high-water baggy pivots.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My parents are funding my pro skateboarding club.

I'm following my dream of being a skater.

Dude, I'm not gentrifying.

My girl, my bitch is black.

My girl bitch.

I love a girl bitch.

I'm dating a black bitch.

Dash and I were laughing in Vegas.

We kept doing Steve Harvey voice and saying,

How you gonna call that's not Steve Harvey, is it?

What?

Is that Steve Harvey?

I mean, it's whatever.

It's a black comedian.

How you going to call another man by your own damn name?

Just like

a black comedian not understanding the movie, call me by your name.

I don't understand it.

Why did they call each other by your name?

It doesn't really make sense.

Yeah, it's like one of those weird things that people do in relationships.

Oh, so he would just call, like, if I if I was fucking Adam, I'd be like, hey, Stavros, Stavros,

no, they were like, Stavros, Starver, Starver, Starver, Star, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam.

I think that's what they did in the movie.

It didn't really make sense.

Did they call each other their names while they fucked?

Yeah.

Yeah, they called each other Nanette.

That does sound like an Australian slur for a gay man, a nanette.

Dude, let's.

Shout out to Nanette.

Now that we're officially pro-Nanette, come through the show.

Hey, yeah, come through.

Enemy of an enemy is my friend.

That's right.

Enemy of an enemy.

It's Game of Thrones out here, dude.

She's like, I'm not enemies.

Listen, we know you hate Cameron Esposito, and she she hates you.

We know you just did this to dog that ass.

You're just trying to dog.

She's done her dirty, and I'm on board.

She wouldn't give you a little piece of pussy.

Yeah.

You know, that's why.

That's why, dude.

That's why.

It's a universal truth.

You keep the pussy away, you're getting dogged.

Yeah.

Yeah, welcome to a man's podcast.

Oh, yeah, brother.

A man's world of podcasting.

How was your guys' 4th of July?

It was Wood Evsky's 4th.

Pretty fucking not cool now that the Supreme Court's going to be filled with white men.

Yeah.

Fourth of Jew guy, dude.

Yeah.

Fourth of.

Yeah, I guess that's it.

Jew guy?

Jews lie.

Yeah, yeah.

Fourth of Jews lie.

Yep, that's, we're not getting better than fourth of Jew guy.

You know, like, Jews of God.

Jews lie is just guys.

You know?

I thought it was like one of those where we change something to guys and you watch Guy or Works.

Guy or works, yeah.

Yeah, since I do that on the show, people will just fucking send me, they're like, How about this instead?

And it's like, you know, you say that in response to somebody saying something else.

It's not a joke, you say,

unprompted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All the millions of things that rhyme with guy, you don't have to send them to me.

Nah, that's not true, guys.

Keep sending them all to Nick.

Yeah, and Nick will respond to each and every one of them.

Stav and I, we're not going to respond.

I mean, mean, sometimes I respond.

If you're a girl and you're hot, you want to fuck Stav, he'll respond.

Most of them.

You don't really have to be hot.

Well, I mean,

I got some people I respond to.

Yeah.

If you're a wide bitch, you know what I'm saying?

If you got that wide pussy,

if I can fuck your pussy sideways, if you're a big bitch, if you're a wide bitch.

Wide, not big, wide.

Wide, yeah.

You're like a wide bit.

Oh, not fat.

I don't mean fat.

I don't know.

I mean, a woman with like a 42-inch waist.

But like, if you see her side profile,

like one of those pissed-off concrete blocks from Super Mario 64.

Yep,

just a concrete block with a band-aid on her back.

That's what I'm talking about.

A big old band-aid bitch.

A wide bitch.

Trying to lay flat

to flatten me.

You know what, guys?

Yeah.

I'm going to say it.

We haven't seen each other for two weeks.

But I'm glad.

I'm glad to see you.

Shut up, bitch.

Yeah, shut up.

This has has been a bad episode.

It's not time for your sentimentality.

You need to pick the energy up and give me something to riff on.

Dude,

I tried to bring it, dude.

I tried to call Cameron S.

Bosito one of the worst to ever do it publicly.

What else?

But you know what?

That's all I got.

I sort of felt like we were going somewhere with that tower where I look at things with my ass.

Yeah, that was good.

That was good.

No, it wasn't.

We got it.

Fuck, let's go.

Let's go.

All right, okay.

Go.

I gotta.

I keep if I keep hitting this thing.

All right, here we go.

Nick was almost ready to do another cocaine episode the other day.

I was because we gotta go.

Because Stop was out of town.

He's like,

we just gotta do another girl.

I was tired, dude.

I didn't want to fucking.

I don't want to have to carry this show.

It's the heat.

It's keeping me down.

Let's do it.

Okay.

You know what?

Why is there no fucking air conditioning in here?

That's good.

That's another reason why this shows up.

Josh has shut it off.

Because it's 200 fucking degrees in here, and I want to own slaves and go to sleep.

That's true.

That's this kind of weather.

A mint juleps.

Yeah, right.

A mint julep and

wear a nice fucking seersucker suit, bro.

Sears sucker suit, rocking chair on a porch, shotgun leveled at my 12-year-old wife.

You know what I'm saying?

Come over here and shave my neck, molasses.

She's trying to fucking read.

Yeah, I got her trying to read.

I got a little molasses daughter now.

You know, there's no way to get it.

But she's dripping.

Would you like to start going by like the colonel?

No.

Like, you don't want to.

No, I wasn't in the army.

Why would I steal Valor?

No, I'm saying if you lived back then.

This close to the 4th of July.

It's fucked up, ass.

I mean, it's not close to the 4th of July.

For you to even suggest that.

You just want to steal Valor.

We're not far from the 4th of July.

We're one of the farthest days from the 4th of July.

No, it happened two days ago.

That is how time works.

No, we're not even cyclical.

No.

Didn't you see?

Didn't you see that show with Matthew McConaughey?

I didn't get that shit.

Just a circle, motherfucker.

That shit made no sense.

People were watching it like, uh-huh, I get this.

I get this.

But that shit made no sense.

It's a circle, dude.

What are you talking about?

The true detective?

True detective?

He was just saying gobbledygook.

Nah, he was.

How about true?

Nenective.

Nenective.

That's what we've been missing.

My ass is a flat circle.

My ass is a big flat circle.

And we like it.

That's the point.

A lot of people are like, oh, look at that wad bloke.

He looks like the angry block from Super Mario 64.

Good bloke.

Good bloke, that angry block.

Hey, where's that bloke's band-aid?

And then they get up close and realise I'm not that angry cement block from Super Mario 64.

I'm actually a Lezo.

I say, I thought you were that big concrete block.

No.

It's a lesbian.

What's that?

Lesbian chomp.

Big old lazy.

I don't know.

It's like wamp or thwamp.

Oh, that thing thing that slams down.

Yeah.

Swamp is a really good word.

Swamp.

Thwamp.

Everybody thinks I'm thwamp from Super Mario 64.

Do you remember that level where it was like a giant bullet and you had to go into the divots and die?

Of course.

Yeah.

Yes.

Everyone sees my ass and they think I'm Yoshi.

Everyone thinks I'm the blue Yoshi.

But then they get up close and realize I'm a lesbian.

I'm a big fat Leesbean

in blue jeans.

Yeah, that happens a lot to a lot of lesbians.

Yeah.

Where they think it's a bloke, but it's actually a lesbian.

No, you think it's Yoshi.

Well, in Australia, a lesbian is just a woman whose pouch is filled with granola.

Yep.

Australian women have pouches.

They have front pussies.

Yeah.

Big old pooch.

They got two pouches, you're talking about.

What are you talking about?

They got the pussy pouch, and then they got the market pouch.

They got a belly pussy.

That's what I'd tell you.

There's nothing I like more than walking around town with my Australian bitch and her pouch turned inside out.

That's right.

Oh, turn that back.

Like prison.

Would a kangaroo's pouch feel like a pussy if you fucked it?

I think they're like wet.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like gross.

I mean, it's technically like an outside pussy.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Because they give,

it's disgusting, really.

They give birth.

The fucking Joey isn't done, so it crawls around the body like a parasite and then inserts itself into the pouch.

Because if you take it out, it'll die.

Really?

They're really jacked, right?

Kangaroos?

Yeah.

Now, there were a couple high-profile jacked kangaroos.

I think that's what you're thinking of.

That video of the guy just straight up punching the kangaroo

was really cool.

From far away, people think I'm a roo.

Yeah.

And they get close and realize I'm just a Lezo.

I'm a Lezo.

You think good bloke?

Nope, just a Lezo.

I built a career of calling myself that cement block from Super Mario 64, and I simply will not do it anymore.

No,

I have not seen that, nor have I seen.

Do male kangaroos have a pouch?

No, right?

No, male seahorses do.

Can you eat a seahorse?

Yeah, you can eat anything.

You definitely can.

You can.

You can eat any type of animals.

Do they taste good?

I mean, as long as you eat around the poison sacks, you can eat.

They got poison sacks?

Some animals, yeah.

I want to grill up a damn seahorse, dude.

Looks like an octopus to me.

I was watching, I re-watched The Shallows.

I got it for free with my Blu-ray player.

That movie is scary.

It's not bad.

It looks nice, but there's this fucking.

So, Blake Lively is stuck on that rock and she's surrounded by a shark.

Yeah, scary.

And she's been on the rock for like three hours, and then she starts eating like little crabs.

She's like, I guess I have to do this.

And it's like, you probably had lunch like four hours ago.

It's a little soon to be eating spiders.

No, but the stress makes you hungry.

Stop kids.

You're hungry.

Crabs taste good, dude.

You're eating a little seafood.

What's wrong with that?

Well, she throws it up everywhere.

She does?

She probably throws up whatever.

What's wrong with a little seafood?

Fresh.

Bro, I paid a lot of money for some good-ass sushi.

That's true, dude.

Seattle, that's raw fish.

It doesn't sound so bad.

Seafood up there is really nice.

It was fucking crazy.

You go to Pike's Place, you see them throw the fish?

Yeah.

You go to the Experienced Music Project.

No.

You go get grunge.

Do you get grunge?

I do do get grunged.

Do you drink some coffee?

I did heroin.

You did heroin?

I went to Starbucks.

You listened to some Black Hole Sun.

You know what that song's about.

Your asshole.

Yep.

What's the sun part?

Nick's eye.

The shoes.

Someone flashing a flashlight into your asshole.

The flashlight that's inside of my asshole.

Sug my dick.

Wake my bones.

Was that even a Seattle band?

See my nas

rain-free.

Soundgarden?

I guess they were.

I just assumed they were all from Seattle.

Is Chris Cornell dead?

He died last year, and I called him bad and got people mad.

Yeah, you called it butt rock.

I called, I called

Chris Cornell and

I think it was the wrong

Chester Garfield or whatever.

Bennington.

I think it was the wrong application of butt rock.

But what Garfield was.

That was

a very funny joke from the live show that was never recorded was your Chester Bennington joke I don't remember you said that the suicide note was written in capital and lowercase oh alternating capital

that was very very good and sometimes I say funny things when it's not too fucking hot Adam's pathological need to steal jokes came comes in handy I credited Nick I know but it was in your head honestly yes I am too hot and that's what I'm blaming the the episode on

People are just happy the boys are back together.

No, they're not.

They're going to be very mad.

We always think it's worth.

Honestly,

listen, I always was on the side that it's like it has to be good, and then Stop was always on the side of like, just get it out, people like it anyway.

And now I think Stob is like, Maybe I'm the Goldilocks of the crew.

Because there was one, you remember the one like the beautiful, yeah, like three weeks ago.

Beautiful one that all the bears hold down and fuck in their bed.

Three weeks ago.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know what Goldilocks you were.

Uh-huh.

That was Goldilocks.

There's got to be a gay gay pointer that's Goldilocks themed, right?

Like a blonde twink and three bears.

Why not just a woman getting having sex?

Because bears, man.

Oh, because bear is a gay thing in the gay culture.

Yeah.

If not, let's do it.

And I'll be one of the bears.

I'll be the baby bear.

Yeah.

I guess I'll have to fuck a man then, I guess.

Damn.

I don't want to.

Would you fuck a guy?

Yeah, if the vibes are right.

If the vibe is right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that where you are on the spectrum?

I guess.

I think I've told the story.

That's all you got to do, folks.

You just got to vibrate them.

You got to vibe.

You got to figure out how to vibe Stavros.

You got to vibe my comments.

I'll do a tryst.

I was trying to think the other day, like, honestly, maybe if he had long hair and was wearing lipstick.

I mean, I can answer honestly, absolutely not.

You think, absolutely not?

Of course not.

No, you definitely will fuck a guy.

I would not.

Why?

I wouldn't do it.

No, because I'm not attracted.

I mean, the idea is disgusting to me.

You don't think

you think

I like attention.

Yeah.

But you're having sex.

And again, it's safe.

but Nick, I don't worry about that.

You know, it's like if you fuck a woman in the ass, it's the same thing.

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

There's shit everywhere.

There's not balls swinging back and touching my balls.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be pretty funny.

That's what happens when you have sex with a woman in the ass.

Her balls are everywhere.

Yeah, very funny.

Hilarious.

Yeah,

I went to a show once, and there was a guy who reminded me of my friend's ex-girlfriend.

More than any other person, I was getting like a woman's vibe from him and I was like.

You thought he was kind of beautiful?

If this guy sucks me off, I wouldn't be that mad.

Nick, you ever think a guy was a little bit beautiful?

Even a famous guy.

Well, there's like, yeah, men you could say are like, have feminine features that are like.

Yeah, yeah.

But not in a way that I'm like turned on.

But you think that.

Like Sebastian Bach is like a very feminine man.

You think Sebastian Bach from that band was

a good skid row.

Yeah,

that's a good white trash guy to want to fuck.

That's such a funny one.

That's such a funny one.

No, I mean, he's a uniquely feminine-looking man.

He looks like Kevin Diaz.

But you wouldn't fuck him.

Of course not, because it's a man.

What other men do you think of him?

But if he was in his prime, Nick would fuck him.

Hmm.

Fastbender is.

Stephen Tyler, kind of.

I guess that's what it's like.

Stephen Tyler looks like a man.

He looks like a cash woman.

Like a disgusting man.

He's a feminine-looking man.

I'm saying beautiful, not with that look-like women.

That's what beautiful is.

You don't think that

Michael Fassbender is beautiful.

No.

No.

You don't think he's very attractive.

No, I think he's a good actor.

Come on, dude.

He's a good-looking guy.

You can't just recognize that.

No, I can recognize that that guy is fucking great looking.

No, I can't say.

Yeah, I mean, that's somebody who has an aesthetically correct face.

But it's not like that's an attractive.

There's nothing.

I think he's a good actor.

Okay, beyond the acting, I'm just saying, like, looking at that guy.

No.

Nah, because that's not what.

Nah.

That's weird.

What about you?

Someone who's beautiful?

A man?

Yeah, what's like a guy that...

I guess I don't know.

I don't want to fuck like a hot man.

I thought I was maybe gay in high school because I kind of had a crush on the guy from the strokes.

Julian Castle.

That's you being a poser.

It was just me being a pussy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I thought he was cool because he was.

That guy's not hot.

He looked sick and like pale, like he was on drugs and stuff.

So you were sexually attracted to this man.

I was, kind of, a little bit.

Yeah, nice.

And it was like a little confusing.

Nah, it wasn't like a beat-off thing, but it was like I kind of wanted to.

It was like a put a thing in your hand with him.

I wanted to be like with him, not to fuck him.

You wanted to be with him.

Yeah, yeah.

I just wanted to be with him.

You wanted to be his malcluny.

Yeah.

Not to be a bad person.

You want to just hang out with him?

You know, like

I was in Vegas.

They called each other by their name.

Share a peach.

Eat a peach off of his car.

Did you get, Nick, did you get any blood in your dick while you saw that movie?

What movie?

Call Me By Your Name.

No.

Zero blood.

No, in fact.

That's a lie, dude.

It's not a lie.

Everyone got a little bit That's not true.

No, what I thought about the movie is like, I think it's very hard to make a sentimental movie that doesn't cross the line into being just bullshit.

Yeah.

And if you can walk that line and do it well, like, that's very good art.

And I think that movie did it.

Did you think the dad's speech at the end was a bit much?

No, not at all.

I thought it was like, uh, I get the movie.

No, because, again, that's like an opportunity very easily for that, like, you know, I mean, to like fuck up that and have the dad pat himself on the back too much for being accepting of his gay son or whatever.

And they only address it as much as it needs to be addressed.

And then it mostly speaks to the point of, like, you know, yeah, you'll never get to experience this again.

And if it was like a heterosexual relationship, it kind of would be like too boring.

There like needs to be some

barrier.

Yeah.

I know what you're saying.

Yeah, no, it's a good I watched that movie, uh, that link later movie, Before Sunrise, uh-huh, uh, recently because I remembered that it was good, and it was very bad.

How about a movie called Before Sundar?

And it's the same movie, but it's all Indian people.

They're like, what is this?

Is it morning yet?

That's good.

I do not know.

I haven't seen the movie, so I do not know what happens.

We watch Fuck on That Train.

They're on a train.

Why don't we fuck on a train?

We meet on a train, and he has a flight in the morning.

She's going to Paris.

He has a flight from Vienna.

He's like, just get off in Vienna with me and just spend the night with me.

I don't think they hook up.

They don't hook up.

They just talk all night.

But when you're younger and you watch it, you're like, wow, this guy is.

Speaking of talking all night, somebody's really been

hogging the airtime over here.

I'll stop talking.

Recounting movies that they've seen.

Sorry.

I know, I know.

They don't fuck.

They fuck actually.

Between the second and third movie, there's three of them.

You know, be a funny crime isn't the same thing.

They don't fucking do the second movie?

Sneaking into the wax museum at night and using your hot penis to fuck holes into the waxes.

Yes, dude.

We're like, what happened?

You put your dick under like a Roy Rogers heat lamp for a while.

You just get your dick hard and hot, and then you slowly fuck holes in the Morgan Freeman's face.

Do they have a

somebody fucked the holes in Matt Damon's head?

Madam Tussods.

Does Madam Two Sods have pussies under their head?

Stop changing the bit.

Stick with the one I'm going.

For your bit,

that would be cool.

I would love to get my fucking cock just fucking hot as a bitch.

You know what you do a lot of the times?

It's like instead of yes and you're like, but what if it was my idea, the thing that was just said?

It's not really yes and it's a parallel bit.

Yeah, because I'm not as good

a team player.

I'm not improv.

I would love to just fucking zoot up the holes in there, dude.

Now, would you just do any part of them?

Would you fuck their shit?

Yeah, different parts.

Nice.

Yeah.

It wouldn't be buttholes or shit like that.

Somebody used their cock to melt Bruce Willis's face.

You could fuck a hole in it and make it a Batman.

You're a big villain named Candy or Candledick.

This looks like Candledick, did this.

Well, well, Batman.

It seems you couldn't get to the Wax Museum in time.

Damn.

I remember one of the first times I came to New York, we went to my big bit was to have Christina take a picture of me.

We were like 16 at the time.

There was an L T.

Describe Christina's body in that era.

16.

Let's hear it.

I'm going to skip that.

She's perfect.

She's sprouting.

Or they had sprung.

She was a

teenage.

The tubes not even long enough to need to be shaved.

What's the first step?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Break down that fuse situation.

Shout out to Christina.

Yeah, Christina.

Shout out to all the Christinas out there and

podcast listening land.

I bent over in front of the

I think just jeans and a black sweatshirt.

Ooh, my man remembers.

Ooh.

That's what I was wearing.

So there's a picture of the girl.

You were wearing the same clothes.

Yeah, we planned the night.

It was Sadie Hawkins' dance.

Anyway, I was bent over in front of the

Elton John,

and I got her to take take a picture of me, and I thought that was a really good video.

That is very funny.

We would have been good friends in those days.

I made her.

It came out pretty blurry, but I was pretty proud of it.

Yeah.

That fucking gay motherfucker, Elton John.

Whoever smelted Delta John.

That little nanette.

How about that one?

Smelton John.

Whoever smelted a Delton John.

And he's farting on stage.

Yeah, he can't help it.

He's like,

Benny and the Jets.

And then he's farting.

Yeah.

So Adam Sandler's listening.

Get your production company to make that.

Benny and the Jets.

Happy Madness.

Does Adam Sandler have children?

Should we try to fuck his kids?

Yeah, we should.

And he's got a lot of them.

I haven't been paying attention to Crazy Days and Nights, but apparently they just named a bunch of pedophiles.

Really?

Yeah, there was a bunch of stuff that was supposed to happen in 2018 that didn't.

Like,

like Congress, the wife of some congressman or state representative or state legislator.

No, come on, dude.

You know, it's not.

You know, Denny Hassard is innocent.

He's just patsy.

I'm sorry.

Come on, dude.

We've discussed it.

Oh, yeah, there's a new one, the wrestling coach, guy from Ohio.

Yeah.

No,

Don

Damarira.

Felder?

No, not the other Don.

Who's the other Don from the Eagles?

Oh, shit.

The band, the Eagles, or the team?

The band, the Eagles.

McLean?

No, Don Henley.

Don Henley.

Henley.

Don Henley.

Was it Don?

Yeah, Don Henley.

Fucked kids?

No, there was something with two underage prostitutes in his room.

They covered it up, and one of the prostitutes grew up and married some politician.

She was supposed to have all this evidence of

you know, I guess Don Henley doing something.

But that was in Crazy Days and Nights back in fall.

Taking that teenage pussy for a stroll.

The song Dirty Laundry is about the media coverage of him with the two underage prostitutes.

He got two underage prostitutes in his fucking yeah.

Yeah, and one of them overdosed.

And when the police showed up, he's like, that's their cocaine.

And it was like 22 grams of cocaine.

These children are fucking this homeless 15-year-old brought

$4,000 worth of cocaine to my house.

I don't know how they got here or why they're naked.

And they were like, yeah, that checks out.

I love fucking Hotel California, brother.

Keep chugging.

That's the only Eagles song I know.

Someone else,

Desperado.

That's not them.

Yeah, Take It Easy.

Take It Easy.

That's the Eagles, right?

Suck me.

Wait, School.

He wasn't the one that died then.

Who was the one that died?

I don't fucking know.

Wasn't the guy from the Who?

He also got child porn on deck.

Yeah, he said he was doing research or something.

Hell yeah.

Also, he said he was transitioning and then he never did it.

Spart.

P.

Townsend?

Or he said he wanted to be a woman?

I don't know.

Whatever.

Are we ending this?

No.

We're going to keep going until this is funny.

Okay.

I'm going to hold you here.

I got to take a shit.

Until I think of something.

You had all day to shit.

You had all day to go to the bathroom.

I've been going to the bathroom all day.

You had all week.

How many times have you shit?

Dude, I've been on this thing where I've been taking like three shits a day.

I don't know what's going on.

You got a bad diet.

Black does intolerant.

Well, stop eating cheese, bro.

He lost his plug.

What?

Did you?

You're at for your ass.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you missed it.

He's got to plug his shit up.

Yeah.

My man, loose.

Got that loose.

My man Loosey Goosey over here.

Got a rubber butt plug.

I guess maybe we should just end it once and for all.

It's too hot.

Next time we do this

for the premium episode this week.

Guys, if you're tired of the podcast being bad, which it has been, pay money.

Go to Patreon.

We'll have a better episode up this weekend once we're refreshed.

We've got some air conditioning going on.

Let me just say this.

Cross-country for us.

Dobb's been on a red eye all night.

Let me just say this.

I got a lot of air conditioning in Queens, boys.

We're not going to Queens.

I'm not taking the train for an hour and a half to get away from the train.

Take off.

It is on the 9th.

We have some good comedians that are going to be there.

Chris Thayer's on it.

Chris Thayer.

A couple other motherfuckers.

Some other people.

So come out

to that.

Again, thank you to everyone in Seattle and motherfucking Portland.

Oh, yeah.

I'm at Carolines August 9th.

By the way.

We got to talk about that.

You're not on the Sunday show, are you?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm not.

Okay, so then we're going to.

Yeah, I accidentally put 12 in the picture.

Okay, yeah.

Oh, and the autobar ticket links are up, guys, so don't fucking buy those.

Yeah, and then we'll start.

We'll have links up for Cleveland and Boston soon as well.

Yeah, I straight up forgot that 11 comes after 10 when I wrote that.

I thought it was 9, 10, 12.

You dumb bitch.

Yeah, I don't know.

And I will have some more dates coming up soon, too, guys.

Again, Seattle and fucking Portland was a fucking blast.

We'll post the Australia dates on Twitter this week.

Are we doing stand-up shows too, or just?

I think we're doing stand-up and I'd like to do both.

But anyway, that's the show, guys.

Bye, guys.

Goodbye.

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