Ep. 104 – Madcucks explained

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family, and now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it.

Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

At APU, the bigger your ambition, the better we fit.

Learn more about our 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu.

Ready to take advantage of an incredible deal at Mazda?

September is the final month of eligibility for federal $7,500 electric vehicle lease cash on the new Mazda CX70 and CX90 plug-in hybrid.

All Mazda current inventory is unaffected by new tariffs.

See your local Mazda dealer for details.

$7,500 electric vehicle lease cash offer expires at the end of September.

Don't miss out.

$7,500 lease customer cash good toward 2025 CX70 PHEV and CX90 PHEV when leasing through Mazda Financial Services.

Lease customer cash can can be combined with other public offers, including lease incentive offers.

Lease customer cash cannot be combined with APR or other customer cash offers.

Lease customer cash is not redeemable as cash or cash back option.

Lease customer cash is only available on approved credit.

Not all customers will qualify for credit approval or offer.

Limit 1 discount per customer per vehicle.

Lease customer cash offer only available in the United States regardless of buyer's residency.

Void were prohibited.

Apply within the lease structure as a capital cost reduction.

Lease customer cash is only available on participating Mazda dealer's current inventory, which is subject to availability.

Offer ends 9:30-2025, and you must take delivery prior to expiration of offer.

See participating Mazda dealer for complete complete details.

Condolini.

Yeah, so we'll just get right into it.

Hello, and we have a special guest, Asterios Kakinos, here with us.

Requested

by, I guess, several people.

And if you don't know, he's being sued by Maddox.

He's been mentioned on the show before.

Yeah, mentioned on the show before.

I think most people who listen to the show know who Maddox is.

If you don't, he was like.

He's a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves.

He was a good one.

It's Greg Maddox.

Why don't you go ahead and take it away, Adam?

You're on fire today.

Yeah, I'm feeling the heat today.

I'm feeling

Greg Maddox.

No, he was more of a finesse.

Yeah, he was.

Your job is to bring the chocolates to the show.

I did bring the chocolates already.

We could do a run of Maddox's.

There's Commander Maddox from Star Trek the Next Generation.

Oh, he's the guy that said data was Starfleet's property.

Oh, shit.

Remember this?

I'm going to be the guy that says being data is a choice.

That's That's the wokest take I've ever heard on Commander Maddox.

Wait, Data was the computer guy?

He was the android.

Could you fuck him?

Yeah, they did fuck him.

Really?

Actually, I wrote a sketch when I was 18 that's like Wharf and LaForge fucking Data.

By the sketch, I mean it was the thing I said.

He wrote very graphic, gay fan fiction about Data getting his fucking computer butt cheeks fucked.

Yeah.

Published on.

He's doing Goatsy, but it's just a bunch of journal.

It's just a bunch of like

micro gyms.

Micro gyms, yeah, yeah, yeah, and wires and shit.

You see that shit that like Chrissy Teigen used to write, like Neopets fan fiction?

No.

Oh, God.

That's funny.

Oh, yeah, like some of the shit.

That's where she learned to write.

She's funny.

And I'm like, it's not fair that you're this funny.

You're very attractive.

Yeah.

It's the Neopets fan fiction.

That's the fucking

developmental, the fucking...

I'm really, I can't think of words today.

Incubator.

Here's some of this chocolate.

It's quite a little bit.

She cut her teeth.

She cut her teeth.

And the neopets community.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was eating for my blood pressure, just nothing but like 97% dark chocolate.

Hell yeah.

I love that shit.

I do too, but having chocolate with sugar in it, it's like weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You remember how good it fucking is?

Yeah.

Goddamn, desserts are so tasty.

Yeah, I had to stop with the dark chocolate, though.

I got like horrific cystic acne all over my neck.

Really?

From chocolate?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

It'll fuck you up.

What?

From dark chocolate?

Dark chocolate.

That's the chicken.

That's the healthy thing.

Yeah.

I start every day with four bars of dark chocolate.

I go to Hershey's.

And now your entire body is a pimple.

No.

I have one big silence.

I have beautiful skin.

Thank you very much.

But it's all even, so you can't.

Yeah, exactly.

You have like full body acne, like four inches below the surface.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a beautiful layer of just

like when you know when you fucking grill a pig or you do it's like that that beautiful what do you talk about

grill a pig I do you know.

When you do a fucking

stereotype, is it Greek man?

When you do a fucking pig roast,

a pig roast, and you get that beautiful, crispy skin.

Yeah.

That's what my skin's like.

Okay, like a crispy.

A chicharone.

A chicharone.

Exactly.

They call me chicharron skin.

So you're keto.

I'm keto.

Yeah.

You hear that, ladies?

I got a couple of chicharrone balls if you want to suck on them.

Yeah.

A nice salty snack for you after your fucking shift as a nurse.

Well, anyways, Maddox had a website probably, I don't know, like 30 years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

That was like funny.

You know,

when we were 12.

Yeah, right.

Especially for the time.

Yeah, yeah.

As a kid, it was funny.

You go back and read it, and it's still funny.

He's probably got a couple bangers.

The thing is, it's like so many people aped Maddox's style, and it becomes diluted.

In the same way that if you were to watch Super Bad or Pineapple Express now, it would just be like watching a commercial.

It's true, yeah.

People just stole his whole thing, the mannerisms, the way he's speaking, whatever.

Well, he was like the original hot take artist.

Yes.

You know, like everybody thinks something's good.

He'll write 20 paragraphs about why it's bad.

Right.

Get people's clicks.

But it's like, well, now the whole world is hot takes.

Right, right, right.

You know?

Yeah, you got to disrupt.

That's right.

You know, you got to come into a new ice cold zone.

Yeah, you got to go cold takes.

You know what's good?

Fucking cookies.

That's my take.

Nice takes.

That's why I say Trump bad.

Yeah, Trump bad.

No, no, no.

That's cold.

No, it's very cold.

The hottest take.

Who's Donald Trump?

Oh,

who is this guy?

I'll break that out.

I'll bite.

I got off the grid.

So I guess, yeah.

So Maddox was suing you for $20 million.

Yes, he sued.

Long story short.

Whoa.

No, no, no.

Long story long.

Yeah, let's go.

You know, I'll tell a story.

All right.

Well,

here's what happened.

A comedian sued another comedian for making fun of him.

It's really that simple.

You can do that?

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm surprised Adam doesn't know who you can sue and under what circumstances.

Well, you are a lawyer.

I'm just waiting to hear back from a couple lawyers, and they are all dog bite specialists.

Much like Maddox.

Much like Maddox's lawyer.

Maddox.

He's an expert in dog law.

William Landau.

That rules.

The alcoholic dogbite lawyer.

Like,

no, money down.

Yes.

He's a real life better call Saul.

He absolutely is.

And he's from Michigan, too, right?

Well, yeah, but he left Michigan, I assume, because he's not allowed to drive there anymore because they took away his license.

That rules.

Yeah.

All of this stuff has come out about him because he's put himself in the public sphere.

And

so, you know, he was one of those drivers who,

you know, they got the straw that you got to breathe in and restructure the body.

Oh, hell yeah.

And so he starts the car and it's fine.

But then we assume, allegedly, he starts drinking while driving.

That rocks who he started sober.

But then there's a they do this thing with rolling stops.

And so, like, every once in a while while you're driving, they'll be like, hey, time to breathe into this thing just to make sure you're not so alcoholic.

You're drinking while driving.

That is incredible.

He breathes into the thing.

It gets flagged.

He makes up a thing about how he's got chronic halutosis.

And so he keeps listering in the car.

And there's like a letter from his body.

He drank two gallons of it.

Yeah.

Well, it's the best way you breathe.

You know, there's a lot of bad breath deep down here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you you really got to get it down there.

And

yeah, what I've learned from this experience is that anybody can be sued for anything.

Yeah.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

The reason he sued me is we used to be friends, and then

he had another podcast with a guy.

There was a podcast breakup.

Uh-oh.

And I was like, well, I'm friends with you both, so I'll be on both your shows.

Like, kind of like we were saying before, like, it's just drama.

They had a podcast breakup over a girl.

Yeah.

One of the fucks who's been

Nica's been having sex with my girlfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've all isn't that right, Dasha.

Yes.

But I mean, it's wrong.

Yeah, that's what she said.

Shut up, Dasha.

Sorry.

Hey, it's me, Dasha.

Shut up, bitch.

Don't talk to me that way, Adam.

You have a very little penis.

Don't talk to me that way either.

The other Dasha.

It's the double Dashas.

Dasha three in the house.

The Dash is small.

Oh my God.

Yeah, that's right.

There are three of us, and we're all cheating on them.

That's true.

I have done a multiplicity type thing.

I'm the dumbest one of all because of the Xerox effect.

I put shoes on my hands.

The retarded Dasha foot cheats on you the most.

Well, she's retarded.

Yeah.

But somehow, the wisest of all of them.

Oh, yeah.

She's the most brave.

Eternal truths.

He's also trans.

That's the funniest part of that movie.

They're like, How can we make this script worse?

Oh, how about one of them is retarded?

That's your second act complication.

Retardation.

Yeah.

Classic.

That's what they teach in

Robert McKee's story seminar.

That's right.

Always have someone retarded in your second act.

If there's a retarded guy in the first act, by the third act, he has to shit his pants.

Check off retorn.

Check off retard.

Yes.

So someone fucked someone's bitch.

Yeah, so one of the hosts sleeps with the other one's ex-girlfriend of three years.

Oh.

So it's not even like a real thing.

Maddox freaks the fuck out.

Blows up the podcast.

And again, I'm like, you guys are fighting over a girl and you're both almost 40.

And now Maddox is like 40 or 41.

So I'm like, I don't care.

I'll be on both your shows.

Right.

Maddox doesn't like it.

He starts spreading shit about me in LA, and I'm not in LA.

I'm in New York, to all my friends, and he's sharing texts, and he's talking shit.

So I record, oh, Maddox hates being called a cuck.

That's very important.

Now, is he alt-right?

What is his dude?

Maddox, I think that he is kind of the original alt-right guy.

Yeah.

Because he puts out.

Proto, proto-alt-right.

He puts out a book a long time ago in 2002 called The Alphabet of Manix.

Which sucked.

I remember that.

That's when I stopped liking Maddox.

i was like that that was so anticipated it took forever for him to publish that book and then it was like this looks like a child wrote it yes and like in the book it's like here's how to punch a woman in the vagina she's here's how to grab a lady

tit at the i don't think you need to read it in a book like if you really want to do if you really want to do it you can figure out

yeah try it first before spending 11 on a book in 2002.

And so he had a lot of huge conservative fans.

Because all the woman beating stuff, it resonated.

I tell you, I don't know too much about the internet

who this gay computer programmer from Turkmenistan is, but I will tell you, I do like punching the women in the back.

It would be nice to control them and feel in control.

Maybe I'll buy this book.

And so he releases a video where he's like,

I don't like the word cuck.

So here's what I do.

I release an album of where I'm calling him cuck hundreds of times to the tune of various royalty-free Christmas carols I found on a Christian website.

It's called Cuckmas Carols.

It hit number six on the Billboard charts,

which means that it is currently archived in the Library of Congress.

After we are all dead, Cuckmas Carols will be gone.

Your legacy is never going to die.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then you can listen to it in a couple of centuries.

I'll let people know.

They put me in the Library of Congress.

In like Sweden or or the Sudan, in some small country, it becomes the number seven album in the world beating Adele's album.

Not in the world, in that country.

In that country.

So it's like me, and then right beneath me is Adele's brand new album, one.

That rules.

So this becomes like a big meme.

Just for no reason.

Yeah.

Well, not for no reason, because it's very spiteful.

And I'm all about spite.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, it's so, the only reason I got into shape, and not that I'm in shape,

you're not even bigger.

Well, I'll take stocky.

That's an upgrade.

You're looking like a burly boy.

That sounds good.

Thick with two seats, I'll take it.

Absolutely.

But because a guy from McDonald, the Reddit Trump crazy website, he challenged me to a fight.

So I was like, I'll fight you.

And then I immediately started taking boxing lessons.

And I was like, please tell me how to fight.

That rule.

I don't know how to fight.

I've never fought anybody in my life.

I've never even got to a fight as a kid.

And so,

yeah.

And so I got an.

But it's like, I would never exercise.

Yeah.

If it wasn't for Spite.

Oh, yeah.

I learned sign language out of Spite.

Please tell me you're serious.

A girl girl broke up with me and like we were doing like a long distance thing.

And then she,

you know, it was like before Christmas and I was supposed to go out there.

She's like, I still want to send you a gift.

I'm like, I don't know if I'm up for like exchanging gifts.

Because I had lied and said that I had gotten her something already, but I'm not going to buy this bitch a present now.

Right.

You know,

because she broke up with me.

So, but she had a deaf sister.

So I just took a week and learned sign language so that I could just get on Skype and be like, here's your present.

And yeah, it was.

And then then

he used the sign language to fuck her deaf sister.

Yes.

So you talked to your ex-girlfriend.

No, not really.

She wasn't impressed at all.

She didn't care.

So I kind of just wasted a bunch of time practicing sign language for

two weeks with my friend who's an ASL interpreter who just taught me sign language.

I got pretty good at it.

I could just carry out conversations in sign language.

That's pretty

much it.

In two weeks, you learned.

Sign language is really easy because it's still English.

Yeah, because it's just mannerisms.

Basically, you're learning to do an impression of a deaf person.

Okay.

It's not really like learning another language.

It's a voice.

It's a voice that they can do with his hands.

Right.

You know?

Cool.

Yeah.

Like Italian people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the

thing.

So we got Cuck Miss Carroll.

I'm interested in this, though.

So you released Cuck Miss Carol.

I released Cuck Miss Carroll's.

I record it.

It was even more spiteful.

So the guy releases like a shitty bonus episode on iTunes.

It becomes number one on iTunes Comedy.

iTunes Comedy is full of

old albums from comedians that are dead.

Yeah, like anyone releases an album, it's number one on iTunes Comedy for at least two days.

If it doesn't do it, you bombed.

Your album bombed.

Because it takes like five downloads to get number one.

Like Bill Angvall's, Here's Your Sign.

It's like number four.

And like, I watched that as a kid.

Here's your sign.

Like, damn, I want to be an alcoholic when I grow up.

Yeah.

And then have to quit and make a big deal out of it.

Now I'm only drinking apple juice now.

But anyway,

and so

he's bragging about being number one in comedy.

And so I'm like, I'm going to dethrone him.

And so we, so in 24 hours, me and my girlfriend Saranta write, record, edit, publish.

Girlfriend Sriracha?

Sarantia.

It's like Sriracha with ranch in it?

Yeah.

Oh, a fat boy's dream.

Yeah.

Having sex with a condiment.

A really spicy fucking condiment, too.

Two condiments.

That's beautiful, dude.

Yeah, Gracia.

She's a really good comedy writer.

She's really fucking funny.

I want to meet you.

You have to be

like that.

Can you imagine growing up with that name?

Oh, it's an

heavy?

Oh, okay.

No, no, she's tiny.

She wears like a hundred goddamn girls.

Imagine growing up as a fat girl and your name's Honey Buster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be terrible.

I'm not saying that.

I want to start dating a girl named Garlic Aioli, dude.

Just call it Mayonnaise.

I hate Aioli.

Nah, dude, she's European.

Oh, never mind.

My girlfriend.

No, I'm not.

My girlfriend.

I apologize.

Or maybe Chipotle Aioli.

I haven't decided.

Yeah, Chipotle Aioli.

Yeah.

That's my girl, dude.

She sounds good.

We'll go on a double bass.

I'd fucking love to.

So you guys write an album in 24 hours?

Right now in 24 hours, put it out.

It becomes number one on iTunes, this and that.

And so,

so then one day,

like a year later,

I have a bunch of jobs.

Like, I'm like a gig comedian.

Like, I work in advertising, work to social media, all that stuff.

One day I walk into one of my jobs.

Madman.

Yes, I'm like an unattractive mad Don Draper.

Hell yeah, just as much rape.

Well, yeah, it's like, you know, you gotta.

Remember when Don Draper just fingered that lady just hard as shit in season one?

Do you guys remember that?

And it was about control.

That was like to show her who was boss.

He's just like, fingered her in like a fucking ball gown.

Like a bowling ball.

Yeah, you know, he, you know, you don't ask a bowling ball's consent.

You need to get Don Draper.

Just rent the shoes, baby.

Shoes are renting.

Fuck shoes.

Yeah.

Your honor, I was wearing the fuck shoes, huh?

I'm sorry.

It's all crowed up.

Ready to slip and slide.

In the 50s, it was illegal to commit rape.

You were wearing a certain kind of shoe.

Damn, what beautiful laws this country used to have.

I know.

Look what's happened to America.

Oh my God, Trump is making America great again.

Oh, wait, no, he's got that new line where he's like, we're respected again.

Oh, really?

Respect America again?

Oh, no.

America is respected again.

America is respected again.

Like, he's saying that like it happened.

Yeah, it rules.

No, they hate us more now because of you.

It doesn't matter.

So I get into work.

It rules.

A bald guy I've never met goes, Hey, I got to talk to you.

And I go, Me?

Uh-huh.

And he goes, Yeah.

So he brings me.

This is in the office of Sterling Cooper Draper Price.

Yeah, well, actually, at that point, it was Sterling Cooper and Partner.

Okay.

He's like, listen, you've gone bowling a little too many times.

I was going to save it for league night.

You know what I mean?

If your work was better, we would rush us under the rug.

But you're also bad at it.

You're rolling like 68 a game.

We call the Frank Zone.

You're under arrest for hitting the lanes too much.

You can't rape with the bumpers on.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm still dealing with the fact that you said you can't rape with the bumpers on.

You can't rape during disco night.

Disco bowling night.

Cosmic bowling.

Cosmic bowling,

oh my god.

Because cosmic bowling.

I remember going to cosmic bowling one time.

There was like an African family next to us, and like you could only when they smiled.

That was all the only thing.

Oh, hilarious.

They just light up.

Their eyes and the teeth.

All right, so you've been a cause, the bald guy.

Bald guy, I've never met before.

He says, I got to talk to you for a second.

And again.

he serves you.

Well, no.

He's illegal.

He pulls me into

the biggest office that I've never seen.

Like, I didn't even know this office existed.

And again,

this is one of the places I work.

I'm not going to be specific.

And he goes, yeah,

some guy named Maddox is suing us.

Damn.

So Maddox sues like one of my clients.

He sues me.

He sues a 22-year-old kid in Nebraska who goes by the online name Mad Cucks.

A parody of Maddox.

Oh my God.

He sues the other podcast host, and he's suing us all, and he's saying that we made, and I have the court transcript here, despicable podcast recordings.

Despicable podcast recordings.

If you can get arrested, if you can get in jail for that, we're fucked.

You can't get arrested for anything.

But you know what I mean.

No, you can get in jail.

You get served with something, right?

Which is what happens.

You file a motion to dismiss.

You don't follow up with it.

You pull the cash out of your bank account and you just ignore it.

Nice.

You never deal with that shit.

The whole thing is not going to cost you a dime for me.

The whole thing has cost me $24,000.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, which, by the way.

I don't have it.

Right.

Like, I'm sorry.

It's cost Discover Bank's new zero APR gift card.

Have you guys seen those commercials where like a lady's talking to a lady and they're like, oh my God, besties, twinsies, besties?

They have lent me $24,000.

Jesus Christ, bro.

To pay for, yes,

yes,

to pay for the world's best lawyer, Jordan Greenberger.

This guy is awesome.

It should be mandatory that the suing party pays for the lawyer.

You have to counter sue to get your money.

You have to countersue it.

That's why he didn't sue us in California, where every other defendant except me lives.

He sued us in New York because New York is very pro-corporate.

Like, in California, if you try to restrict someone's free speech via lawsuit, an anti-slap penalty can be put on you, and you can be charged nine times what you were suing for as a penalty.

Holy shit, really?

In California.

Wow.

But in New York, it's like it's a corporate state.

I don't know if the people who listen to this show should know that.

Wait a minute.

Very good point.

You guys are all going to get sued.

I mean, in New York City.

I mean, I have a corporation.

So if it's pro-corporate, there you go.

That's all I need to do.

I just have a dog.

I just started Stoppy Baby Industries.

An LLC?

Yeah, yeah.

Or S-Corp, I think.

S-Corp.

If I'd started one of those, I'd be

in trouble.

Do you have an S-Corp or did you file an 8832?

I don't know.

I hit up the accountant.

Oh, okay.

Whatever.

He probably just gave you an 8832.

I don't know.

Which lets you file as a corporation and be treated for tax reasons as one, but you don't legally have a corporation.

No, I want a corporation, though.

Well, I don't think you have one.

I have a name for it, Stoppy Baby Enterprises.

Sure, but you might have just had the LLC and then they file an 8832, so it gets taxed as as an escort.

That sounds a pretty good name.

Did you do the thing where you ran a newspaper ad and a local ad and

do it in Albany?

Yes.

In like a trade.

They do it.

Whatever.

The accountant does everything.

What'd you pay?

Like $600?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I was going to say like $800.

Yeah.

No, I paid total $97.

Wow.

$97 to run the ads, yeah.

Because you do it in Albany.

Oh, no, I mean for the whole thing, not just the ads.

Well, I pay a guy $200 to help me, so $297, I guess.

guess i gotta do this we all have to talk after yeah yeah yeah so okay so he doesn't so you can't so you can't get your money back even if no i mean here's the thing i can counter sue the guy which would cost 30 or 40 grand jesus

and then the question is does this guy have the money right and it's like what we think is this guy sold uh

this guy sold a show to amazon at some point in december we think you know digital not like the good amazon yeah you know web cartoon or whatever so we imagine imagine he probably got like 30 grand from that, yeah.

But after taxes, and then he spent some of it.

So you're talking about like eight thousand dollars, yeah.

And he probably gave all eight of that grand to the lawyer to sue us because this lawyer is not gonna sue on contingency because he wants his money.

It's like Saul Goodman doesn't work on contingency, he wants his money now, yeah.

You know, so it's like, I don't know if there's any point in suing this guy.

I gotcha.

Um, so uh, we, the trial was on Wednesday, oh fuck, and uh,

months and months and months of like people in L.A.

being, oh, the other thing that they allege in the suit is that I was a stalker and harasser of women.

Hilarious.

Which is like, you know, very funny because they would see me coming.

Like, you know, I'm a bigger guy.

Like, I have a terrifying face.

Like, I have to wear these glasses.

Like, I'll show you real quick.

Like, without the glasses.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's a terrible face.

Yeah, I mean, it's like, I look like an emperor.

Yeah.

You look like a kind of Chechen.

A Bond villain.

Yeah.

Central Asian.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Like the main character from the Grand Theft Dodd where like he was a war criminal.

Yeah, yeah.

GTA 4.

Thank you.

Yeah, you do have like a Kazakh look.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's because you're...

You're Greek and what's the...

Greek, Chinese, and Portuguese.

Yeah, that makes sense.

That's the mix you get.

Yeah.

Because Greeks, I feel like that's what those fucking...

like places are is like Europeans mix with Chinese people and you get a Kazakh and that's basically what you are that's Dan Carlin's hardcore history yeah

My grandma has real Chinese-looking eyes.

Yeah.

Wow.

But some Europeans just have like epicanthic folds for no reason.

Like Richard Gere, who, by the way, the reason I haven't been able to make Richard Gere museum t-shirts is because he's impossible to draw.

Because he's got these fucking Chinese eyelids.

Really?

And I can't draw them.

Why is it?

Because the Mongols raped Europeans.

No, I think some people just look like that.

I think Gere is actually like a Mayflower guy.

Whoa, really?

He's blue-blooded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, my grandma

grew up in the northernmost part of Greece, which is like a, that's when you get into like fucked up Slav territory.

So that's the closest you can be to being a Kazakh as a Greek person.

So anyway, again, this is a little bit.

I knew a Kazakh guy, and I would just quote Borad at him all the time.

He's like, actually, it's not like that.

This is.

They sued Borad, I think.

They were really upset about that, yeah.

He was real upset about it.

I mean, you would quote Borad.

They don't fuck with Borad.

Which I wasn't even really that into.

I mean, Borad's funny, but once he let me know that it bothered him, I mean, really, they should.

They should go over all day long.

They should really see the movie

before they get pissed off.

It's a really funny movie.

Well, I'm upset because originally it was going to be Albanian.

Oh, and you were going to be able to do it.

That would have been awesome.

Yeah, but there's some legal thing where they couldn't do Albania.

Albanians were smarter than Kazakhs, which is so embarrassing.

How about fuck to legal things, you know?

Yeah,

hell yeah.

Fuck law.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

It's fucking terrible.

Except for that 50s bowling bowling shoes law.

I mean, you know, if I like it, then it's good.

You know what I mean?

Like, I like it when the Supreme Court rules for me and when not, they're activist judges.

Of course.

That's not how it works.

So for months in L.A., I'm like persona non-grata.

People aren't talking to me.

Really?

On Maddox as a moment.

Because Maddox, he was deep into UCB.

I met him at

him at UCB.

He used to be on a house team there.

Me and him.

Get the fuck out of here.

That guy did.

That's so embarrassing.

I know.

He's an improv guy.

Yeah.

Me and him used to do a show together every month called the Tournament of Nerds.

It got bought by Nerdist.

It was like one of the first YouTube things when YouTube started making content, like paid content.

And

so he's really hooked in.

And so what he did was he created this story where he was like, these people are like abusers and stalkers of women.

Now, ironically.

From Addicts, though.

That's so, that's what's crazy.

The UCP people.

The cunt punching guy.

Yeah.

That's what's fucking wild.

Yes.

Like, boys with the other guy, who with Tucker Max?

Like, I think those guys used the same one.

You know what I mean?

Like, they were for that.

That was that era of the internet.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, when they were in the same

web ring.

Remember?

Web rings?

Yes, of course.

I remember web rings, the sequest web ring.

Of course, I remember running the SeQuest web ring, Darwin865 at hotmail.com.

Of course, I remember.

The funniest of all of those on the Maddox, like, best-page news web ring.

Do you remember TARD Blog?

No.

I love it, but I've never heard of it.

Tard Blog was was a special education teacher that had like an anonymous vlog where they were.

Oh, yeah, you said that.

We're talking about this.

Yeah, this is awesome.

They took, like, took reader mail, and there was one story somebody told about they had a big retard in their class, and some police officers came here.

Like, they did a thing on sexual assault or whatever, you know, like Stranger Danger kind of thing.

And they watch this video, and the video ends, and they go, any questions?

And the big retarded kid goes,

Next Door Jimmy made me suck his dick.

And they like drag him out with police officers to talk to him.

Did Next Door Jimmy make him suck his tip?

Yeah, yeah, it turns out Next Door Jimmy was another retarded kid.

Whoa,

the perfect double Jeopardy.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, am I?

That's just going bowling, right?

That is just bowling with the rack if you roll the ball down.

That's bowling with bumpers.

That's bumper bowls.

That's bumper bowling.

Yeah, bowling.

Yeah, tard vlog.

I remember found like Jim Gaffigan's like AOL and some messenger because he had his AOL email address.

So I added him on AIM and then he like signed in one time.

And I was a huge fan of Jim Gaffigan when I was like 11 or whatever.

So I was like, hey, I'm a big fan or whatever.

He's like, oh, thanks, or whatever.

I don't even know if he knew what AIM was.

He just popped up on his computer.

And then I was like, check this out.

It's really funny.

I set up the next door Jimmy story.

And he was like, I swear to God, he wrote back, I'm not offended, but I do have to go.

Look, have you met him since?

You got to tell him that.

Yeah, no, I haven't.

You got to tell him that.

He's at the stand sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That whole han pockets thing is based on next door Jimmy.

His mouth was a hot pocket to that other guy's dick.

Wow.

Whoa, Nick.

Nick.

Yeah.

You've affected the course of comedy history with that.

You know, who knows?

Maybe.

I'm not offended, but I have to go.

That's so polite.

Because Gafferkin used to work work in advertising.

So he knows how to be political and give notes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I have to be nice to people now.

There's some guy that just DMs me videos of actual retarded people he sees around.

Oh, no.

He was like, just say, he's like, don't record.

Don't do that.

And this guy bagging groceries at his grocery store, and he's like, you got to see this.

I'm like, I've seen retarded people.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, how much is he giving you on Patreon?

Hopefully.

Is he like a $20 guy?

Because that I'll say that's hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a whale.

That's a a $0.

100%.

Oh, really?

That's 100%.

That's a $0 guy.

Then says, that guy steals.

Screen cap it, put it on HuffPost, and makes him hate.

Comedian stands up to bullying.

Did your company offer legal aid at all?

You know what?

I've already.

And again, they're not my company.

They're a company.

I got a million clients.

But here's what happens on Wednesday.

So we get called into court for.

Yes, it's the trial.

And I'm sorry.

One more thing.

So I'm being accused of all this anti-feminist shit.

Then during the trial, we discover that.

What does that matter?

I don't understand why that, how that has any bearing on the fucking law.

Sowing is good.

It doesn't really matter, but it does.

Because the thing is, like, if you are accused of something terrible, now it's on you.

Like, and I'm not saying this to be like some sort of like, meh, like, Me True's gone too far thing.

It's like, no, terrible shit happens to women, and I'm glad women have banded together and put an end to it because it's disgusting.

I worked in LA for 10 years.

It's disgusting.

But, like

here's the here's the ironic thing.

So we're being sued by plaintiffs.

No, but I mean women with judges.

But like

PBA.

Yeah, you know the PBA pro tour.

Yeah.

So

one of the plaintiffs, it turns out, has a restraining order against her for stalking and harassing another woman.

Whoa.

So the two people suing us, it's Maddox and his girlfriend.

Maddox's girlfriend has a restraining order against her.

His girlfriend honey mustard, real name, by the way.

480 pounds.

No, his girlfriend is a fucking model.

And

so she was contacting the other podcast host's girlfriend's school and was saying, and was writing anonymous stuff.

I got all the emails here.

I can show you guys later, but was saying, like, this girl's dangerous.

This girl shouldn't be around kids.

This girl's a dangerous kids.

So,

so, of course, the people that are accusing us of being anti-feminist stalkers and abusers themselves have a restraining order against them, served by the Los Angeles PD for doing the shit they're accusing us of.

So, finally, Wednesday, we all get into court, and the judge is like, This is absurd.

The judge threatens to throw Landown, Mannix lawyers, the dog lawyer, the dogbite lawyer, threatens to throw him in cuffs in prison.

And the transcript is all available at patreon.com/slash hysterium.

Please buy it because I money that money to pay for this bullshit.

It's a 60-page transcript, and every page is gold.

Like the lawyer is saying, well, you know, the bad guy lawyer is saying, like, well, this Cuck Miss Carrolls wasn't in the spirit of good fun.

If it were in the spirit of good fun, it'd be one thing.

And the judge goes, oh, no, free speech doesn't have to be in the spirit of good fun.

I assure you, what they say on SNL about Donald Trump is not in good fun.

Hilarious.

Let me ask you this.

Please.

Let me ask you this.

So, and we got to take a break in a second.

But

obviously, it was for peace of mind that you hired a lawyer, yeah.

Because if I were sued with something like this, with something that's obviously just a bullshit lawsuit, I would just wait till the trial and assume that a judge would throw it out immediately.

So, I mean, that you just got the lawyer because you wanted to make sure that you wouldn't lose any money to Maddox, or well, the first thing they did was file for a default motion 10 days early or something.

Yeah, so here's the thing: I get served

when uh when you get served, you have like 30 30 days to respond.

Like way before that limit, they

file a default motion saying he hasn't responded.

Therefore, we want the clerk, not the judge, to award us $20 million

and

stop him from ever mentioning the name Maddox ever again on any recorded medium in history.

They're looking for injunctive relief, restricting my free speech.

So if I didn't do anything, the clerk would have rubber stamped it.

Yeah.

And I would have had a $20 million lien put against me.

What, really?

Yes.

We like to think that

there's justice and that everything will work out.

And unfortunately, you only get the justice you can afford in New York.

In California, I think things would have been a lot different.

It's why they sued us in New York.

It was a tactical move.

So the judge is saying, like...

But you couldn't have done something to like deny, or couldn't you have just responded so that they couldn't have just defaulted you?

Well, I talked to 15 different lawyers before going with my guy, Jordan Greenberg, who's the goddamn best.

I was getting quotes, 50 grand, 75 grand.

He's a good lawyer name.

Yeah,

something about lawyer, accountant, you know, that kind of thing.

I fucking love it.

Executive of a television network.

This guy's the goddamn best.

He's so goddamn funny.

He's hiding secret, hidden messages.

Like, there's an acrostic.

You know, that thing where like the first letter of every line on a page spells out something like George Washington used that?

He spells cuck,

lulsuit, cuck, miss carols.

Like he's putting in hidden.

He's saying like this lawyer, Landau, is like a dog without a bone.

Like he's just barking at us and bark.

These are barking sanctions motions.

Making fun of the fact that he's a dog bite lawyer.

Like he's putting in all these dog jokes.

Like my lawyer is like filling this thing with gags.

It's so goddamn great.

And

yeah, the judge says,

you know, the judge goes.

is halfway through the trial.

Some guy covered in dogs comes in.

He's like, lay it down.

Where's my money?

Cork is hanging off his body.

He's wearing one of those padded suits.

He's got nine dogs on him.

Where's my goddamn money laying down?

I've had these corkies on me nine weeks.

They're adorable, sure, but still, where's my money?

All right, real quick, we got to talk.

That lawsuit sounds like a real gamble.

And if you like gambling, folks, check out betsi.com.

It's the number one sports betting website on the internet.

They've been in business for over 20 years, paying winners.

They got an easy-to-use mobile interflay face.

Interflace?

Face.

Interface.

That's the word.

Play, win, get paid.

They offer odds on pretty much everything else.

Aside from sports, so if you're gay, you know, you don't have to bet on sports.

You spent on politics, reality TV, you know,

Vanderpump Rules.

That's a, you know,

who's going to

drink wine?

Yeah.

That's the thing you can bet on, I guess.

They offer live in-game wagering so you can make plays throughout the entire game or event.

And this makes watching sports way more fun.

So if you're tired of forcing yourself to watch sports because they're boring and tedious,

you still have the same insecurity issues you did for middle school.

You can definitely make it way more fun by blowing the money you don't have on betsi.com.

The upcoming sports events we got

and Adams Pix.

And these are actual, let them know, these are actual bets you've placed on betthsi.com.

Correct.

Make sure that you emphasize that point

because that's what actually happened.

This 100% actually happened.

And for tonight, this will probably go up right away.

I am taking the mother.

Right now, the last time I checked the line, the Celtics were underdogs at home, game five.

One-point underdogs.

Crazy.

So take the Celtics 100%.

They're going to win.

It just feels like they're going to go.

Are they serious?

They're not going to be the playoffs at home.

Or they've made so.

No, I think they're going to be able to win.

I think they're undefeated at home in the playoffs.

I think they almost lost to Philly.

But they're a completely different team at home.

We're going to have our friend of the show, Donny Wahlberger, in the front row wearing a Wahlberger's hat.

That's right.

Drew Bledsoe in a tight-ass jersey.

It's going to bring them the best.

So take the Celtics.

I'm taking them, and we're going to make some money together, boys.

Is Donny Wahlberger the one that got murdered in the sixth sense?

Yes, yes.

Okay.

Well, he doesn't get murdered.

He kills himself.

that well, his ghost showed up.

You're right, you're right.

I apologize, Donnie.

I'm sorry, Donnie.

Friendly,

he's listening.

He's listening.

Yeah, his ghost doesn't show up.

He's the crazy guy in the beginning that shoots Bruce Willis.

Oh, that's right.

Yes, and then Bruce Willis.

He's the patient that he couldn't.

Yeah, then Bruce Willis is the ghost.

Yep.

And you can bet on that.

You can bet on that.

Whether Bruce

Wahlberg brother is the best.

Check out at betdsi.com.

So go ahead, go to betdsi.com and use promo code COMTON.

Sorry, come 25.

Capital C lowercase um two five and get a free $25 wager on the house and 200% extra bonus when you deposit.

That's come 25, capital C, lowercase um two five.

You get your free wager and start winning today.

Also the Kentucky Derby.

I don't know.

No,

the preakness.

The preakness just happened.

I feel like if you're gambling the Belmont stakes are coming.

The Belmont is the next one.

Preakness is the one in Maryland.

Yeah, it sucks.

That just happened.

Just happened.

Yeah.

A long time ago, I bet on Orb because I was like, that's the best name I've ever heard.

Orb.

Is that for a horse?

Yeah.

And Orb won like the Kentucky Dairy one year.

And I was like, yes, Orb.

I love it.

So bet on the funniest one.

Yes, on Bet DSI.

Yeah.

Yeah.

On Bet DS.

Do it on Bet Di.

Crazy.

Asterius did it on Bet DSI.

He didn't even know.

Yeah.

Isn't that right?

That's where I got that action.

It couldn't have been easier.

I got my payout right away, and the customer service was fantastic.

Right.

Hell yeah, brother.

Perfect.

And we're back.

And we're back, motherfuckers.

Yeah, so

the judge hates him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Judge threatens to.

So is Maddox there?

No.

So is the case dismissed or is it going to be dismissed?

The case was.

So here's how it ended.

The judge said, this complaint makes no sense.

I can't tell what crimes you are alleging Mr.

Kokonos has been accused of.

And the reason it makes no sense is because what this lawyer did was he found a bunch of angry fan comments calling Mannix a cuck and calling this and that.

He put them all in the complaint, and then he attributed it to the defendants.

Well, the other podcast host, he attributes a lot of what that guy says to the defendants.

And the judge keeps saying, you keep saying defendants, defendants.

I want to know what Mr.

Kopinos is accused of.

Landau's there with like a 14-year-old boy paralegal, looks like the goddamn page master.

And this little fucking, like Kevin McAllister looking kid is running over and pointing at things like, say this, say this, say this.

Landau's lost.

Landau's reading his own complaint and can't find like a single thing that is alleged to, that I've said that has been defamatory

or that broke trade laws or was stalking and harassing.

So the judge says, you got to rewrite this whole complaint and we're all going to meet back up here and we're going to deal with this again.

Damn.

So the case was dismissed for everybody else because everybody else was in fucking L.A.

So like it was dismissed on jurisdictional grounds for them, but I'm in New York.

That sucks.

That That sucks.

So, and so it's you know what?

Shit happens in comedy in 2018.

Like, everybody's not in the middle of that.

That's wild, though, dude.

This motherfucker cost you 30 grand basically for nothing.

That's what it's going to end up costing right now.

It's a 24 grand.

We got to go back in there.

My lawyer's got to prepare for a couple hours.

He's got to write a new thing.

He's good.

We're going to be in there for a couple hours.

We got to wrap it up at the end.

Now, you could write all that off on your taxes, though.

So you'll get it all back.

I have no idea.

I don't know.

I hope I can, but

but I don't know how that works.

Yeah.

That's my whole thing:

I'm Mr.

Don't Pay Taxes.

Oh, good for you.

I pay all my taxes.

CPA.

This call, Mr.

Don't Pay Taxes.

Just immediately, you just roll up.

He's getting arrested.

Yeah.

But he's got a great name, though, Mr.

Don't.

Mr.

Don't Pay Taxes.

That's good branding.

I got to pay an estimated two weeks, and it's gonna have to, it's gonna be probably around thirty thousand dollars.

God, that means you're making a hundred and twenty thousand dollars a year, more than that.

Good man, and he's got guns.

Are you single?

I don't have guns.

Oh, you mean arms?

This guy's got a nice arm.

Stairs is trying to suck you.

I was like, I don't have a gun.

My New York Kingdom.

Dark web.

I don't have a firearm in my apartment.

I hate to say this, but unfortunately, I got to get back to Manhattan.

You got to go to work.

Oh, so, so sorry.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, this is great, buddy.

I'd love to give a plug if you guys want to help out with my legal defense.

And if you want to read the transcript, and it is just full of an 80-year-old New York judge screaming at a dogbite lawyer about the word cuck.

Oh, and then the lawyer is like, here's what he said: cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck.

Maddox is a cuck.

He's reading lyrics from cuckmas carols, and the judge is like, so what?

It's like calling him a jerk.

Yeah.

And Landau goes, no, no, no.

What you're saying is you're threatening the very foundation of his manhood.

So now, Mannix, who doesn't want to be called a cuck, and sued a guy not to be called a cuck forever in the New York State Supreme Court, there is a document of a judge calling him a cuck a lot

forever.

And there's an album in the Library of Congress called Cuck Miss Carols where he's being called a cuck.

And I'm also calling him a cuck right now, you fucking cuck.

I know it's just every goddamn day for comedy.

It's weird because I wouldn't get the impression that he's a stupid guy.

He's emotional.

That's the thing.

Like, because the thing is, it's like, hey, if you don't want to be called a cuck on the internet, you probably shouldn't talk about it.

Right.

Because whatever you say on the internet that you don't want to be called, that's why I asked people not to call me Big Dick Kokonos.

And not all they call me.

Like,

and it's the, so.

But the thing is, when this dude slept with his ex, he had a huge emotional reaction.

Yeah.

And then he justifies it with logic later where he's like, well, no, it's not about sleeping with my ex, it's about trust.

If you just asked me about it, no way.

Yeah, exactly.

And then with this thing with cuckless carols, he's saying, like, well, I'm being harassed and stalked.

And it's like, it's not about that.

You don't like being called a cuck.

So he has an emotional reaction, and he finds a lawyer who will express his emotion in a logical format.

Unfortunately, for him, the lawyer did it in the most illogical way possible.

Sure.

And that's how that guy rolled.

What was Landau wearing at court yesterday?

Landau was wearing a jacket that was too big and pants that were too small.

Just like Schemer from Thomas and Friends.

But he looks like Robbie Rotten from

the show, Busy Town.

Yeah.

I think Robbie Rotten and Schemer from Thomas and Friends are very similar references.

I completely agree.

I don't know either of these.

I don't know me.

Schemer, I know because he looks just like Ben O'Brien.

Schemer.

Oh, right.

Yes, you show me that.

They have the same exact face.

It's pretty weird.

Was Schemer one of those troublesome diesels?

Yes.

No, no.

He's a guy.

He's a guy that is just in the station for some reason.

Got it.

Thomas and friends would jump from the station.

Is that Thomas the Tank Engine?

Yeah.

But they were in the live-action portion of the show.

I know that guy.

With Ringo Starr.

With Ringo Star.

And then George Carlin.

Right.

That's so weird.

Yeah.

And then the movie Alec Baldwin.

Really?

Yeah.

As Mr.

Conductor, right?

I believe so, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's just yelling at the trains like his fucking daughter.

She's calling him fat pigs.

You stupid piggy shit.

You spoiled little pigs.

Tina Faye.

You cock-sucking train.

Tina Faye, you've got to let me quit 30 Rocks so I can go scream at my train daughter.

We're not letting you out of your contract, Alex.

Put that caboose down.

God is foreclosing.

And his daughter's hot now.

Is she?

Mm-hmm.

Haley Baldwin.

If you got money.

Yeah, she's on a show with

horrible show.

We don't want to hang you off.

I'm so sorry.

if you got you got look there's there's pot there's dogs i would hang out here all day

we're gonna get lunch afterwards but thank you guys so much for having me on

come back come do the live show sometime absolutely yeah

great to meet you buddy hysterios we'll do twitch budget

signing off uh yeah check out uh patreon.com slash hysterios and go ahead and help them out with that lawsuit yeah it's bullshit yeah and you left some comic books too asterios yeah yeah you want to if you want to plug those sorry Oh, no, definitely.

I got a book on Amazon called Toys for Cheap.

It's a fake catalog of dangerous and insane toys like Tickle Me Elmore Leonard

or Thomas the Tank, who's all grown up and now he's trying to murder Percy.

Let me see what other, what are the gags in this book?

I haven't pitched this book in years.

The Lana Del Rey gun, which turns your voice into a smoky, depressing mess.

Oh, the Dasha gun.

Oh, yeah, you'd love her.

Oh, I thought that was the gun that makes you harass people on Twitter and pretend to be trans.

Oh, yeah.

Take that, DSA.

Take that, you

scam artist.

Some type of South Asian scam.

Get it.

We got John Candyland, the game that benefited most from the death of John Belushi.

We got a lot of great toys.

You can find it on Amazon, the WordToys, the number for the Word Cheap.

And keep these comics.

It's really nice of you guys to have me on.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks anytime.

Come back again later.

Come back.

All right, later, buddy.

Yeah.

Actually,

I guess we got to move on to the other topic for the show: the death of Philip Roth.

Huge.

Ladies and gentlemen, literary titan passing away.

A giant of letters.

Before us, a giant of words and books.

Good listening to NPI.

Good morning, the passing of Philip Roth, a giant of books.

Of pen and legislation.

Of pen and book.

A man of page and

quill, the glue that holds your book.

A hardcover literary giant.

Paper and ink and typewriter stuff.

Immense size.

Stav, what was your favorite?

Fat, juicy, eight inches, nine and a half feet.

A man of

engorged letters.

A hard,

hard ass.

Hard, big ass dick.

He wrote with his dick.

That was the thing.

He's horny as shit, isn't that?

I don't know.

I don't think I've ever.

You're telling me that you're not.

Both me and Stav have read all of Philip Roth.

Or me and Adam have read all of Philip Roth.

Stop didn't know who he was until you were.

Your favorite Philip Roth quote before the show.

What was that again?

It was

when the tits get a splitting, the cock gets a

portnoy's complaint.

The complaint is, oh, this pussy's still dry.

Isn't the pussy any wetter?

Come on.

It's all about complaining.

Some Newark gash.

That's what I'm talking about.

It's all about the president of

get my dick complaining.

Dave Borton always complained.

LeBron's traveling.

That's the complaint.

I respected Brady.

I'm going to get my cock sucked in a glove factory.

That sounds cool.

Is that what that book's about?

Sort of.

Yeah.

I'll read that book.

No, it's about a Jewish guy that learns

the joys of masturbation.

Really?

New York City.

Yeah.

It's about a guy that beats off.

And then Jews were very upset when it came out.

They said it was anti-Semitic, and the ADL got mad at him.

Maybe I'm back in.

What does the ADL do?

They just

say, it's the Anti-Defamation League, and all they do is just complain when they're slightly offended about something Jewish.

They don't really defend anything else other than Jews

being in a tiff.

We would like to file a complaint against the song Allentown.

Why is it not about Israel?

Why is the song not about Israel?

Anytime a celebrity is a matter of time.

Let's take a look at how many songs Billy Joel has written about Israel.

Zero.

To date, four songs about Long Island, one song about Allentown, zero about Israel.

That's anti-Semitism.

Long Island is technically anti-Islamic.

That's anti-Semitism.

Now you're anti-Semitic for saying that.

Nothing is like anything.

Any kind of analogy whatsoever is anti-Semitic.

Yeah, there's this guy,

their old head was this guy, Abe Foxman, who's just this old.

Yeah, the biggest, fattest, just

histereotype.

Yeah, yeah.

Who did worse for the

public image of Jewish people?

Yeah, it was just humiliating.

Single-handedly just destroyed what was his name.

There's any anti-Semitism.

Abe Foxman.

Abe Foxman.

Yeah.

I'm just picking five.

He's like a big Cinnabon.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a

fat, dumb dog.

Abe Foxman.

Fox Fox.

Abe Foxman.

Yeah.

Take that.

Are you going to be offended?

Yeah.

I got something for you, baby.

Defame this dick with your mouth.

No, but Philip Roth actually,

I loved him.

So I loved his books.

Me too.

Yeah.

He's a big fan.

Yeah.

I'll give it away.

Especially I read it at like, you know, 15.

I was at the stand trying.

I was like, wow, Philip Roth died.

And people were like, oh, look who reads books.

I was like, all right, never mind.

Yeah.

He's like a celebrity.

I don't get it.

Yeah.

My friend Jonah, you guys know Jonah.

He grew up in New York City and his dad used to have lunch once a month with this guy, Phil, Uncle Phil.

And he learned at like 24 that it was Philip Roth.

That's crazy.

And he didn't know who it was.

Uncle Phil from Fresh Principal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was the uncle from Fresh Principal.

Who's a gay

black man?

Jonah, who's the DJ at Funny Moms.

Biggest funny moms.

That's what he's known for.

That's what he's known for.

DJ at Funny Moms.

And Nephew Jonah.

Guitarist.

Nice.

Yeah,

they made a film adaptation of American Pastoral.

And Porter Noise Complaint, too.

Oh, really?

I didn't know that.

But the American Pastoral one is supposed to be like a real piece of it.

Have you read it?

What?

American Pastoral?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's amazing.

It's a great book.

It's so good.

It's so good.

Yeah, yeah.

I gotta check all these out, man.

Yeah, it's part of like

a trilogy, but I've only read that one.

Yeah.

I never read a Human Stain or whatever the third one.

You guys ever read Fight Club?

Yeah, dude.

That shit's pretty fucked up.

And when fucking Brett Brett Easton Ellis, baby.

When Tal Nick dies, dude, I'm going to be so sad.

Yeah, when Chuck P fucking kicks the bucket.

I got a new idea for a novel, right?

It's about a guy that goes around saying the n-word, the black guys, until they beat the shit out of him.

He's doing it for the insurance money.

But it's actually about

capitalism.

What was that short story he wrote about

getting a pool jet to blow water up your ass?

And people were like, this is the most disgusting short story ever.

I think it was called like the jacuzzi fluzzi.

Something like that.

They were like, yeah, Palanix read this at readings and people have passed out.

I'm like, that's not true.

Yeah.

People have thrown up when they've heard it.

You know what?

Apparently,

everyone, I like Gino Diaz, but apparently he's a rapist now, too.

No, he like offended a lady at a party.

Yeah, I like that book.

Oscar Wow.

Huh?

Oscar Wow.

Oscar Wow.

He's funny, dude.

He's a good writer.

Yeah, it's a rapist, dude.

I don't think he raped.

I think that he said something that someone said was sexist at a party or something.

I think it was...

I think it's people were saying he was like in an abusive relationship or something.

I don't know.

What about Philip Roth?

You think he wrote?

Philip Roth was a misogynist, 1,000%.

Oh, yeah.

Unapologetic about it, but a fantastic writer.

I don't think he wrote.

And an important American.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

People aren't going to be able to do that.

There was that whole generation of like...

Maybe you will, not me.

I will insist on forgetting that.

Norman Mailer shot his wife.

What?

Yeah, there was a whole generation of like...

What the fuck?

The Korean American writers were all fucking misogynists.

Oh, I thought he shot Philip Roth's wife.

No, no, no, no.

Norman Mailer shot his own wife oh damn that's fucked up dude or stabbed her or something you ever see maidstone stabbed her stabbed her yeah what ever see maidstone no it's not good it's actually in it it's so incredibly fucking bad it's funny really yeah what's it what's it like a movie that that uh uh mailer tried to make it's the one where where rip torn like uh fucking they get in that fight that fist tom green and rip torn i think that's freddy got fingered yeah it's free got finger what i was talking about

no no daddy would you like Storm Mill and Rip Torn get in a fist fight on the set, and they just left it in the movie?

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

That rules.

I mean, they're like going at it today.

But, like, that fight where it's, you know, it's two people who don't know how to fight, so they're like pulling each other's hair and they're on the ground.

Damn.

Awkwardly, awkwardly, yeah, just like thwacking each other in the face with tired fists.

Yeah.

Damn, that's fucked up.

I fuck with Rip Torn, though.

Yeah, me too, dude.

Artie.

Artie.

Artie and fucking.

Always had those ferns looking right.

There's one thing I like.

It's getting fucked in my ass.

I'll just bring that cock over to you.

Ass torn.

Rip, torn, and rip, ass torn.

That's my thing.

It's the thing I enjoy.

There's nothing I enjoy more than getting drunk and getting raped in my ass.

Ass-torn, baby.

The only reason I drink and drive is so I can go to jail and be raped.

Yeah, we have fun here.

Oh, fuck.

I have a hawk.

What do you guys want to get for lunch after this?

I don't know.

I was going to see if I can do more.

I got to get that car fixed so you can.

I'm pretty hungies.

I want to

do a rough favor.

I am.

I'm trying to do another favorite favorite until I get that couch.

It's like a video game, dude.

You got to unlock it, dude.

Yeah.

There was a Sega Genesis game called like Shove It or something, where you just work as a a guy in a box factory and you like push boxes around and the cover is a guy pushing a box and he's like daydreaming about hot women in a car and like a Ferrari and a bunch of cash.

That's a video game you play on your time off.

Look it up.

Look it up.

I think it's called Shove It.

Shove It?

I think I would definitely like see Nick playing like a politeness simulator.

Yeah.

Dating Sims.

I definitely remember trying those.

With like a flash animation.

Dating Sims?

Flash animation.

Like

yeah, like you would have to try to fuck an anime girl, but I don't know how.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've played those.

There was that game, Leisure Suit Larry, which was

you've talked about it.

You've brought it up a million times.

Yeah, it's Shove It.

It's called Shove It the Warehouse game.

Shove it, yeah.

Look at this shit.

It's hilarious.

Windows 95.

Yeah.

Yeah, look at this.

Ferrari and

he's dreaming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's dreaming about it.

That daydream has taken up a lot of the cover.

That guy looks like me.

Yeah, he is ugly.

No, he's handsome.

Yeah, he is ugly.

He wears backwards baseball caps like I do.

He's wearing that.

Because I will never forget the 1990s.

Unless any of you fucking dumbass 18-year-olds that listen to this show forget, we are grown men.

That's right, dude.

And we remember 1990s.

We're 29-year-old men.

We listen to

spin doctors.

Spin doctors.

Two princes, you know, Delemetri.

Yeah.

Oh, Roll Tor.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That kind of shit was.

Some fucked up.

Some fucked up Greek music.

My dad will play in his car.

Deep Blue Something.

There's this one Greek song.

He's actually like a huge, he has a 90s playlist we listen to in the car.

Massive 90s playlist.

He's like, he's really knows some deep cuts, dude.

Dude,

you put that Savage Garden, I Want You, on that.

That's a fucking

hammer, dude.

Great song.

That's the one where he's like,

cherry, chericula.

Yeah, yeah.

So

what about the Greek song?

It's like, Pamesto

that means we're both married, but please return, I beg you.

It's a song about

two people cheating on people cheating on each other

with each other.

The Warehouse Game.

Which actually, in hindsight, was maybe my dad giving clues that he was going to cheat on my mom.

He used to blast that song in the car.

song about cheating on your wife.

I did this girl, and I had to sing where I would just sort of sing things that I meant.

So we'd just be sitting there,

and be like, You are a dumb bitch,

and I hope you die.

You think I don't know you're a complete slumber.

You'd just be sitting there.

She'd be like using her computer or something.

It's very therapeutic.

You should try that shit, man.

Wow.

You're the kind of person that's just very resentful and you hate anyone.

Yeah, yeah.

You should try that.

Check it out.

Instead of just like airing your feelings.

Check it out.

Now, first of all, never air your feelings in a relationship.

No.

If you want to destroy a relationship, talk about your fucking feelings.

Push it down.

Yeah.

Professor Mullen, dude.

Dr.

Mullen.

What are you?

Insane?

Talk about your feelings?

No, that's stupid, dude.

You go to the gym.

You guys fucking lift weights, baby.

Did you guys read that?

Yo, shout out to whoever sent me this fucking new guy that I'm obsessed with on Instagram.

Which guy?

Let me find his name real quick.

Is that the guy you sent me?

I don't know.

Did I send you Aaron or something?

No, no, no.

It's this fucking big fat guy who's like...

Oh, nice.

He looks exactly like you.

No, he doesn't.

You're trying to.

Savage Psycho John.

You're trying to burn me.

Savage Garden?

Savage Psycho John.

I mean, he looks like Stop.

Wow.

Look at Stop.

Let me see.

The fuck knows what a deadlift is.

Do you know the difference between a dead lift and a deadlift and lower?

Do you know all that what a squat is?

Well, if you don't, come up to me, I'll teach you the fucking difference.

That's the point.

Don't get on my fucking page and say, I'm doing it fucking wrong.

It's because you're a fucking idiot.

I don't give a fuck what you think, especially if you don't know.

If you don't know, I'll teach you, and then you'll fucking know the real fucking way and stuff.

I can't do any competition.

Most of all, y'all.

No, not even.

He's ugly.

Like this, moving an inch, and get on my page and tell me.

I really want to comment on that video.

Although, I got to say he said he benches 405 for 18.

Here's him benching 315 with a spot.

Look at this.

Look how much work that other guy's doing.

Anyways.

I don't know.

That looks pretty strong to me.

Yeah, no, this guy's hilarious because he's like a grown-up version.

Remember those kids with like emotional problems that had to be in a special class for people like the class that you were in?

Yeah.

Divorce me?

The emotional problems are they're always pissed.

They're just constantly.

What the fuck are you looking at?

Yeah.

I do remember that.

Yeah, just like the time.

Oh, it's very square.

We're just kidding.

You're so angry they consider you retarded.

Like a type.

I'm sorry.

Your son's retarded.

What was his disability?

He's pissed.

He's got a pissed chromosome.

They put one of those kids in our, like, they didn't have anywhere to put, I think he can't get in fights with the retarded kids.

So they put put them in like the class for the smart kids.

Fat class with all the smart kids, which is where I was.

There should not be a fat class.

Yeah, I wouldn't have been in.

Your son is in the GT programs?

Oh, gifted and talented.

They're like, well, girthed and tubby.

It's a similar class.

It's a girthy and tubby class.

They just let him know.

For the fatter students, because their hands can't wrap around the normal-sized pencils.

You have to have a novelty pencil.

You're bad when your hands have to be.

A calculator that's only got four buttons.

That's for the for the larger students, like Stavros.

And instead of desks, we just have beanbag chairs.

That sounds fucking good, dude.

Yeah.

Jokes on you.

That sounds pretty cool.

Okay, guys.

Here's your schedules for the year.

As you can see, period one is cafeteria.

Period two is cafeteria.

Period three is recess, or you can choose the elective of cafeteria.

Period four

applied math.

That's mostly figuring out how many cupcakes you can take.

Number five is science, which is looking through a microscope at your dick.

Number seven, period seven is social studies, where we mostly just tell you how to accuse other people of being the ones that smell bad on the bus.

Very important in a fat person's life.

Number six is Spanish, and it's mostly just reading menus.

Eating tacos and wanes.

How to pronounce fajita.

And mole.

You know, you joke.

That sounds great.

Did you have the experience as a little kid where you go to a restaurant and like see all the shit, and you're like, damn, that's for adults.

Oh, yeah.

And the kid menu.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you say that you were too mature for the kid menu when you were like a

four-year-old family?

That is you.

No, no, no.

I would think that a family.

I mean, excuse me, just a five-year-old with business cards.

No, you brought a briefcase to school.

No way, dude.

Briefcase filled with baseball cards.

No way, dude.

These are for my office.

I remember.

I don't have a bedroom.

I have an office.

I remember a time when

my parents took us to the Chinese buffet, and it was like kids under like 11 or something eat a certain.

And this fucking lady, like, my mom had to insist that I was 11, that I was under the thing.

She looked at me.

She's like, no, he's got to pay full prices.

My mom's like, look at that.

Look at his scoops.

I was so fat.

They they were like, no.

They tried to like strong-arm my mom into make me pay the regular fucking price.

Sabatos has no pubes, I promise.

Starvos is completely hairless.

He's a smooth boy.

I think I got pubes pretty late in the game.

Yeah, me too, like 14.

Yeah, not that late.

14, yeah.

Yeah, I was rough.

I think I was 13.

But it was that, it wasn't like.

But you fucked.

It wasn't, not at 13.

Didn't you fuck at like 15?

15.

Yeah, yeah.

You fucked young.

But that's by that time all your pubes come in.

In your mind, it's like puberty takes so long, but that's because, like,

I mean, compared to now, now

you just like years slip by.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't have patience.

You know, I didn't have patience until, like, I can't, like, the woodworking shit I can do.

I did not have the patience for it until the last four years.

Yeah.

As a younger man, I was too hungry.

All you had patience for was bowling back in the day.

Oh, wow.

That already feels like a different episode.

Yeah.

Bowling.

That's how long it's been.

Well, that should do it for today.

Let me plug some stuff.

I finally found.

so I'm coming to Seattle at 6.28.

Calling, Toss out.

Laughs, Seattle.

You can already buy tickets for that one.

Seattle and Scrambled, eh?

So I'm doing the Fraser tour in Seattle.

The tickets are free.

The tickets are not free.

I think they're $15 online.

Please buy those.

You do not have to pay.

No, you do have to pay.

You have to pay, and they're more expensive at the door.

So please buy those online.

And I think I'm doing the Siren Theater in Portland on July 2nd.

How about the Gyron Theater?

Or the third?

third?

I'm sorry, the third.

Remember, it's the Stavros Halkia Siren Gyron Theater Takeover.

No women are allowed to attend the show.

Not a single woman.

If you buy a ticket and you're a woman, get the fuck out of it.

Get the fuck out.

Get your ass out the fucking show.

You get Maddox and the pussy.

So, yes, guys, please come get sucked off at those shows.

I'm excited to go to the Pacific Northwest.

So you're going to suck off the entire audience.

I'll suck off.

I'll eat pussy.

I'll suck too.

He's headlining Carolines on Broadway sometime next month.

Breakout.

Oh, nice, dude.

No, not breakout.

Real headline week.

Real headline.

week.

Real headline week.

A whole week?

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

A whole week.

Nice.

I got to call Lewis back and to

lock it in.

Money Mom's on Monday.

Oh, fuck.

We got to book that.

We got Memorial Day weekend.

If you're staying in town, if you're in New York, you're also visiting New York Monday.

I don't need to plug your other, the Stobby Baby on Twitch.

Oh, yeah.

Hit me up on Twitch.

I love doing that.

Stop is basically the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, this Twitch bullshit.

So if you figure out how to make money on there, then I might get on there.

Instinctually, it seems seems like a dumb idea.

I did a stop the other day.

It's fun.

It's fun, I do.

I just riff about

the amount of pussy you get.

Hey, man.

What was this for the Twitch stream?

Yeah, man.

Come on.

What are you doing, bro?

Yeah, I can't really.

Come on, bro.

That's proprietary, dude.

It's weird, though.

You got to thank people for the sub and stuff.

Yeah, I mean, I like it.

I don't know.

It's fun.

You just game and shit.

You just shit in your face.

Yeah, it's actually turned out into be a lot of work, but I fuck with it, dude.

Yeah, I had a lot of broccoli yesterday, I guess.

Do you farting?

I did.

So, yeah, if you guys are in town again, we have Funny Moms this Monday, the 20, whatever it is, Memorial Day weekend.

Really, though, shout out to you.

Oh, Nick, you really just fucking whoop.

Oh, God, man.

Right in Adam's face.

Listen to the episode.

That's disgusting.

Yeah.

R.I.P.

Philip Roth.

I am sad about it.

I really, I, yeah.

R.I.P.

Chuck Polanyak or whatever.

Yeah, it feels lame to say it.

Chuck Polanyak.

Isn't that his name?

Yeah.

Palanchak?

Yeah, it's Polonik.

Polonik?

Right.

All right, whatever.

I actually think.

Also, Brady Sinellis wrote that book, anyways.

What book?

Fight Club.

Do you remember that?

That was like a thing.

You could really piss off Brady Sinellis on Twitter if you just tell him, I really enjoy your book.

Oh, really?

Yeah, like five years ago, that was like the big joke.

You fucking just say, I love Fight Club.

That's hilarious.

Fucking write that fucking book.

I was too busy having sex with guys.

But Asterius isn't here, but thank you, Asterios.

Thank you, Asterios.

Holler at Asterios?

Yeah.

Yeah, support his

lawsuit.

All right, later.

Bye, guys.

Hola, it's Rachel from Wedque, your Spanglish podcast de confianza.

When we started this podcast, I had no idea how much work went into it.

Recording, editing, designing logos, managing socials.

Each day brought a new challenge.

Starting something from scratch is exciting.

But

it can also be very overwhelming.

That's why I wish I had something like Shopify back then.

Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world, and it's also perfect for anyone getting started.

Build your online store with Shopify's professional templates, and let their AI tools help write descriptions, polish photos, and generate headlines.

Shopify's got your back with inventory, shipping, returns, and all the not-so-glamorous parts of running a business.

If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify.

Turn your big business idea into

with Shopify on your site.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash sonoro.

Go to shopify.com slash sonoro for more information.

Dreaming of buying your first car or new home?

Knowing your FICO score is the first step to making it real.

With My FICO, you can check your score for free and it won't hurt your credit.

You'll get your FICO score, full credit reports, and real-time alerts all in one simple app.

Your credit score is more than just numbers, it's the key to building the future you've been working toward.

Visit myfICO.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app and take the mystery out of your FICO score.