Ep. 105 – Writers room

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Motherfucking begin.

This is our first our second episode with intern Stabros.

Stabros on the ones and motherfucking twos.

Well, on the LZRs, make sure all his inputs are set correctly.

I think they are.

Are they?

They're all on?

He has the headphones in, so you can.

Can we hear all of us?

I can hear everybody.

Everybody sounds good?

Everybody sounds good.

What about me?

Can you hear me?

Bill Clinton.

Is that gay Bill Clinton?

Here it is me, gay Bill Clinton.

You know, if there's one thing I love, it's

heading back down to Arkansas to get a nice sweaty hog shoved up my

country boyhole.

That's right.

Putting a cigar in a man's ass.

Oh, yeah.

Smoking it.

I like to get a blowjob.

Where's Monte Lo?

Wait, I literally did the Montelle Lewinsky joke.

Montell Lewinsky.

I'm pretty sure I've said that on the show before.

That's funny.

God damn.

He's a marijuana out of a kid.

You know, we can have bad episodes that are filled with dead air, but repeating bits will be the death of this fucking thing.

We never do it.

We've done it numerous times.

I'm just kidding.

I'm being kidding.

Are you?

Yeah.

Well, that's the first time you've ever done a just kidding on the show.

You've never just kidded before in your life.

It's true.

I'm dead serious normally.

We got a regular Joshua Jewish over here, Josh and us.

Oh, hell yeah.

I was just doing a Joshua.

A Joshua tree.

What's Joshua Tree?

Joshua Tree.

It's a type of a tree or a desert plant.

It was also a U2 album.

Ooh.

You two.

Why was U2 famous?

Their music all sucks dick, right?

Because

they're not as bad as people say.

Of all the shit that Ireland exports, U2 is the only thing that's not complete and utter tracking.

What about the cranberries?

The cranberries aren't that bad.

Everyone's really sad when they leave it there.

Deirdre

Lucky Charm or whatever the fuck her name was.

Yeah.

I mean, were there people like were people going to cranberry shows?

I guess so.

I guess, yeah.

It's funny.

Yeah, in the 90s.

No, I mean, now.

I guess.

People go to fucking everything, dude.

I mean, people will go see, like, Paulie Shore

because it's about going to about your youth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's pretty impossible to lose anything.

Well, like who's, you know, who's going to like, like,

I can't wait to go see Marcy Playground.

Hell yeah.

I smell my own Paul.

I smell my dick.

Yeah.

In my ass.

I smell dick inside my ass.

You smell it.

That's the only sense you have.

No feeling in my ass, but I can smell it.

I know this show.

The sixth sense.

And then Haley Joel Osborne, he's pulling the covers up, and he's like, I smell dick.

Everywhere I go, I smell dick.

And they're angry at me.

They're all angry at me.

Bruce Willis is like, can you smell the dicks right now?

And he's like, yes.

And then it pans out and Bruce Willis's pants are down.

Dick's been out the whole movie.

The whole movie is Dick's been exposed.

That's why his wife won't talk to him.

They're in that restaurant, his dick's just out.

He's like, God damn it, speak to me.

She just closes the bill and leaves.

So the ending is we find out

he's dead, yeah.

So what happens to Haley?

So there's no, you know, Haley Joel just has to go through life seeing ghosts now?

Yeah.

But Chris Willis is the ghost that helped him.

Right.

Because he's like a child psychologist and his unfinished business was like,

you know, because he had that patient he couldn't help.

And the patient he couldn't help was Donnie Walberg.

Donnie Walberg, who killed him.

I've got a young patient, this kid Donnie.

He's got terminal bostonitis.

I just keep hearing the N-word everywhere I go.

It's okay, Donnie.

That's normal where you're from.

I just don't want to hear the N-word.

Make the N-word voices go away.

You failed me.

You failed me, Dr.

N-word.

Okay, well, it's Stevenson, but

I see your point now.

So Haley Joel just has to keep seeing dead people.

Yeah, but

he's cool with it now because he's gotten some psychotherapy.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

This is cool.

So I'm getting the New York Times home delivery, so I'm just summing through the headlines here.

Yeah, Nick's a newspaper reading.

Arts page four, we got a headline.

An era when no Chinese need apply.

In the the arts section?

In the arts section.

The utopia.

Well, racism against the Chinese is an art in and of itself.

My argument for that is that I do it for a living.

Yes.

Every sentence.

You sneak one voice in at least one.

I wish I didn't have to, but now, last night, again, best part of my sentence.

I did.

Did you that joke about Billy Joel, and then I had to fucking

do it?

Well, you could have not done it.

I could have not done it, but the joke wasn't funny until I did it.

No, it was funny.

Now you're just in your head, dude.

Maybe I am.

You're just in your head about it.

You're never not going to be in my head.

Which, like, when you...

You know what?

It's funny.

I was browsing the

subreddit, which I don't often do.

Why?

Well, because the Chapo, I saw the Chapo thing, and I thought I would check ours.

Popover?

Yeah, Popover, I guess.

There's good content on there sometimes.

Yeah, some of the kids are funny.

Most of them could easily replace any of us on the show.

I don't know.

I'd say me.

Maybe 70% of them could replace you.

Probably 10% Stav, and then 8% me.

8% of them could replace you?

Probably.

Yeah, I say so.

I don't think so.

That's fair.

The problem is that none of them know how to do levels on recording.

That's true.

That's what makes a successful podcast.

You got to get gear.

Yeah.

I know all about gear head.

I'm basically a sound engineer.

I understand how knobs work, what kind of buttons to press.

Yeah, I feel like.

It's also, I got the New York Times home delivery, so I stay informed.

That's so true.

Let's see some dumbass millennial try that.

By the way, aren't they like, aren't millennials like old as shit?

They are.

I feel like the label should scale down because you know what?

I'm a fucking grown man.

I don't want to be called a fucking millennial anymore.

What's the next one?

Gen Z.

No, I want to be greatest generation.

I want credit for defeating the Nazis.

Yeah.

Storming the beaches in Normandy.

Yeah, yeah.

We got to out-meme the Nazis, boys.

That's our World War II.

Yeah.

We got to fuck that, fucking take down Pepe.

Yeah.

Pepe's going to get us dick sucked.

And battle still happening.

The alt, right?

Yeah.

Does anyone give a shit about that?

I think people have moved on.

Right, they should.

Although, Roseanne's.

Why don't we all just get into model era?

Yeah, free Roseanne.

Free Roseanne.

Oh, yeah.

Our girl Roseanne.

Our official stance is that we should bring back Roseanne.

Someone tweeted today:

bring back Roseanne, replace her with stop.

It would be a good show as you let

all cast black woman remake of Roseanne, but it's called Nozanne, and they all wear anti-Semitic giant noses.

Yeah, so they're black women making fun of Jews,

but then it's the plot of Roseanne.

Okay.

That way, everybody wins.

It's a show that I would like to watch.

I would watch that out of curiosity.

It's filled with black women.

I'm wondering, are they?

Middle America gets Roseanne back with a caveat.

Sure.

It's filled with black women making fun of Jews.

Now, are these prosthetic giant noses, are they black or are they white?

They're white, of course.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

So it's on their black face.

On their black face.

Okay, so you know it's fake.

Yes.

Just to make it look extra fake.

Right.

Well, in that case, then it's fine, I think.

Yeah.

So you're trying to.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's why.

Well, I'm fine with that.

I think.

I'd watch Nozan.

So is

all the characters are all black women.

Yeah.

So John Goodman.

Black woman.

Black woman.

Who plays John Goodman?

Leslie Jones.

Leslie Jones.

Okay.

Leslie Jones.

We're going to get Sherry Shepard in the mix.

Niecy Nash with her big titties.

By the way, shouts out to the

commercials they show for Claws.

On TNT during the NBA playoffs.

I've just fallen into watching Claws because Nisi Nash's big-ass titties are just all the way out.

What's the time stamp at?

We are at 8 minutes and 24 seconds.

8 minutes and 24 seconds.

Custom.

Ooh, my man doing a fucking timer.

Is that the Series 3 Apple Watch?

Yes, it is.

Oh, very nice.

Yes, it goddamn is.

You know what the problem with Claus is?

They got Carla from Scrubs.

They got the bald guy from Breaking.

The other guy.

But they got Carla from Scrubs, and she's real butched up.

Not hot at all.

Was that Zach Raff's girlfriend or the blonde girl?

No, no, no, no.

Carla, bro.

Which one was that?

Latina, a sexy Latina that was hanging out with fucking Turk, dude.

Uh-huh.

Oh, they used to fuck.

Oh, dude.

Wasn't Stacey Dash on that show?

No, no, Stacey.

Oh, the reason I brought up.

What is this?

Chocolate on here?

If that's shit, and I'm rubbing my finger at it.

Why would there be a shit on an Apple brick?

Why would there be chocolate on it?

Because it's on the table.

People eat chocolate on the table.

We ate chocolate a couple episodes ago.

Well, numerous times in my life I've thought shit was chocolate by accident.

Fool me once.

I don't want that happening again.

Not before my 30th birthday.

I want to close out my 20s with a smooth seven incidents of thinking

shit was chocolate.

What was one other incident?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, really, I'm only thinking of a time I put a cocoa puff in my mouth that turned out out to be a ball of lint.

Ouch, I thought it was a little shit pellet.

No, it would have been awesome.

No, I've never put shit in my mouth, I don't think.

You've never just looked down in the toilet, thought it was some chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, that looks delicious.

Damn, chocolate.

Damn.

Yeah, that's wild.

Hype the fool myself once.

That looks delicious.

What do you say, though?

You said you just remembered something?

Oh, yeah, no, no, I was saying I went on the subreddit.

They got they posted some good stuff on there.

There was a story about a

Down syndrome.

Oh, yeah, the top surgery?

Is that what you s you got that for the subreddit?

Yes, I did.

The one you sent it to us?

Yeah,

uh a child with Down syndrome who's dying and in intensive care, and they're raising money to get a top surgery.

Oh, my God, really?

Wait, it's dying too?

Yeah, it's a dying Down syndrome.

I'm only saying it because I don't know the gender.

He.

I don't know the pronoun.

Top surgery is getting your tits removed, no?

Yeah.

Or maybe it's getting tits.

I think you maybe getting big, juicy double D's on that dying, poor, mentally disabled kid.

That would be a good make-a-wish for just a little bit.

Yeah, it could go either way, dude.

You could get tits or have tits removed.

Top surgery doesn't necessarily mean one way or the other.

That would be really funny if it was just dying.

I just want a straight.

My

young son is dying.

I want his wish to be to get double D titties on the way out.

We do an open casket funeral.

I'm big-ass bits.

Yeah.

He wants to meet the Dallas Cowboys and get a huge pair of figs.

John Cena and just fucking double D's.

Yeah, he wants John Cena to suck on his tip.

About John Cena man's penis going into his mouth.

That's good.

I think it's that.

So I feel like we didn't get enough mileage out of the wife of the day laborer named John Cena.

John Cena?

Her name is John Cena?

John Cena Gonzalez.

J-O-N-C-I-N-A.

One word.

Yeah.

Giant.

You know, some of them are just technically functional.

Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

And then all pieces of machinery to work on.

They don't deliver as promised

as much as they should.

It's more beautiful to think of them as a concept, as an idea.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like Giancina.

That's in your head, dude.

And you smile.

Exactly.

You don't have to take it out for that long of a spin.

Yeah.

Anyways, the Italian president sinks coalition to it.

You know what?

I don't know who the Italian president is.

Isn't it still a Berlusconi?

Berlusconi.

Isn't it still Berlusconi?

No, sergio mattarella what they got a name awesome name yeah it hasn't been bur lusconi for like seven years burlusconi fucking rocks burlusconi rules he's fucking 17 year old girls at parties remember that video touching that girl pretending to fuck that woman's ass no no really yeah there's a video of him like getting out of a limo and a woman walks by and he's like

i think i feel like he was like the he was trump he was trump before trump because he was like a rich ass businessman's cooler than trump though he owns like the media there there.

He owns AC Milan.

Oh, damn, he does.

Yeah.

That rules.

Yeah.

He rocks, dude.

Yeah, what were the parties?

Bunga Bunga.

Oh, yeah.

Doesn't that mean ass fucking?

Something like that.

Him and a bunch of like old Italian things just fuck.

That is only dancing.

That's gross, though, when you think about who has to fuck Bro Lusconey.

I don't know.

I think.

This is a fun headline.

ASAP Rocky tests the limits of a box.

What box?

I mean, I'm assuming it is.

You think it's blowing out the back of a 14-year-old who attended his show last week.

ASAP Rocky turns to me and smiles.

I love fucking cash.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah.

We're in the double tree after one of his shows in Stanford, Connecticut.

And the girl is crying naturally as

her cervix has been pressed all the way into her small intestine.

What is that?

How did this get past editor?

ASAP Rocky tests the limits of a box.

Yeah, dude.

It's art, dude.

I get that.

What are they referencing?

I don't know.

It must be some artistic box.

Yeah, he's a performance installation lab rat where he's in a box.

That's a good one.

He's like a Renaissance man.

I feel like everyone would do that for a while, where you lived in a window.

You know what I mean?

David Blaine did it.

Yeah, David Blaine did it.

Hannibal Lecter did it.

Magneto did it.

Magneto doing it was cool.

Yeah.

Plastic box.

You have to put him in a plastic prison because he can use his mind to control metal.

You know what I don't understand?

Can't Professor X do the same exact thing?

Professor X can do it with everything.

Right, right, right.

And he's like, this is my greatest foe.

He's a guy that has the same powers with

only metal and he can't read minds or control people.

Damn.

Professor X should have done way more shit.

Of course.

He should make Magneto suck his dick and then it's like, yeah, try to take over the world now.

Why don't you have that memory in your head for the rest of your life?

In fact, I'm going to control your mind so you have flashbacks every 20 minutes.

Every time you start to think about taking over the fucking world, boom, there it is.

Surprise!

You're a line of Chevys, you know, just trying to get

some chicken tortilla soup.

And then, boom, there it is, my fucking cock, all the way down your throat.

Was that a subtext, man?

Man, they were

together?

Yeah, I think so.

That's like a subtext, right?

For sure.

I just saw a movie with Peace Dew

doing an American accent, but not, he was just making absolutely no effort to do an American accent.

Have you seen Green Room?

I have.

Oh, people say that's good.

We watched it this weekend.

It wasn't that scary, I'll say.

No, that's a great movie.

But it was cool.

You're a dumb bitch if you think that's not a good movie at all.

I thought it was a good movie.

I just couldn't think it was scary.

What's his name?

Jeremy

De Saulnier?

It's the same crew that did like Blue Room, right?

It's the director.

Saulnier,

something like that.

If Professor X could make Magneto suck his dick and shit, why couldn't he just walk?

Right.

Yeah.

No, people have made that point.

I mean, that's funny, but I've heard that.

He could fly, too.

He wouldn't even have to walk.

Yeah.

He also can't make his hair grow.

Yeah, what the fuck?

He should have a beautiful waist.

Wait, the first.

That's funny.

It's like it's a future world where people can control everything, and there's absolutely no way we'll ever cure baldness.

And we'll never be cured.

Damn, dude, I want plugs, dude.

And then Beast was supposed to be like, what?

Like Frasier if he wasn't gay?

Frasier, yeah.

Blue Frazier.

Yeah, they're like, Beast, listen, we can cure you, but you have to be a gay man in Seattle.

He's like, no.

I don't think I'll do that.

Was Beast, wait, Beast in the first class and all those, he's like a guy sometimes and blue sometimes.

He's always blue.

But later on, he's always blue.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, in first class.

class, I think he turns blue.

He fucks up his experiment and he makes himself extra mutated.

Oh, it's from he just has fucked up little feet, little beast feet.

Yeah, and then he becomes a beast full-time because he fucks up.

And he has like a tail.

Because he was like Icarus.

He flew too close to the motherfucking sun trying to cure himself.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

So now he's blue as hell all the fucking time.

Yeah.

I remember exhaustion.

He could probably lay it down, though.

He could probably lay some beastly pipe.

He fucks someone, I think, in like those blue voice.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure he could.

Are Are there any animals that have fur on their dicks?

Yeah, I would think so.

Peacocks.

Peacocks don't have fur.

Well, they got the feathers all over the dick.

They do.

Yeah.

Oh, that's cool.

And then it expands.

Have you ever seen a turtle's cock?

No.

It like opens up.

Whoa.

And it's got like four, like a platypus's dick, it's got like four trumpets on the end.

That rules.

It kind of looks like an air raid siren.

Hell yeah.

Is that the animal you can do?

Does that do it for you?

No, it kind of bothers me.

It's unsettling.

That's not how it's supposed to be.

Yeah, Yeah, that's not what a dick is supposed to look like.

Would you rather fuck or be fucked by an air raid siren-looking genitalia?

Like, if there was a pussy that looked like an air raid siren, would that do it for you?

No.

Okay.

What if it made the noise when you made her?

Yeah, what if it was a loud type of thing?

I don't understand why people have to, like, they assume that an autistic obsession is somehow sexual.

It's just like sonically pleasing to something about the technology.

I don't know what it is about air raid sirens that attracts me to them.

Do you like it when the Orthodox do it?

Every Friday, I do it.

Every Friday night fucking day.

I go to the window and I listen to it.

For those of you that are not from New York, the Orthodox people play an air raid siren right before shows.

It has been like Dashbox since I was a little kid.

Anytime I heard a tournament.

I remember the first time I heard

a storm warning or when they tested the air raid siren, I was like, what?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, you're like, this is it, baby.

I was like, what is that?

This is the tops, dad.

Yeah, I was like, what is this sound?

You can hear it everywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

No, and then I didn't, yeah, until I was like older and I'd spent like five hours watching Air Raid siren videos on YouTube one day.

Someone on Twitter made a joke about people with siren autism.

I was like, ha ha,

what's that?

And then I found out that that's like a...

What does he listen to in the account when he has the strobe light and then he's like rolling his body?

He listened to like disturbing.

He listens like metal, right?

Oh, yeah, dude.

Fuck yeah.

Starbucks is close.

Oh, what were we saying?

No, I just imagining you.

When you finally find happiness, it'll be you just in a room by yourself with an air aid sound playing and you're just smiling, dude.

Just got your eyes closed.

Fucking.

No, I mean, the only way I'll ever be happy is if I get that Frank Frisetta pain.

1.8, a cool 1.8 mil, brother.

That's really, that's how much money it takes to be happy in New York.

You need to be like a fucking multi-millionaire, otherwise, you're still like somehow.

And it's funny because I remember that, like, there's articles about it, like, four or five years ago I read where it's like people saying, like, you know, $250,000 is not a lot of money in New York.

And it's like, oh, shut the fuck up, you know.

But now that I'm here, it's like, you know, you got to buy the racing wheels.

You got to buy all the pain.

Yeah.

You got to buy all this shit.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I have to put my son in private school.

Where did you send him?

Dalton?

I sent him to Dalton.

Yeah.

Dalton from Roadhouse.

Oh, nice.

I sent him to a guy that dresses up like Dalton from Roadhouse and teaches him how to bartend.

For $45, $5,000 a year.

Yeah, I need you to learn my son how to bartend.

There's only three rules.

Number one, be nice.

Number two, I forget the other two rules in the movie Roadhouse.

I've never seen Roadhouse yet.

You haven't?

I want to.

Stop, it's so much fun.

We should do a Roadhouse episode.

I'd love to have a great Roadhouse.

Stupid show.

Swayze, baby.

Rest in peace.

I would love, dude.

R.I.P.

The Swayze Man.

Wait, so you, what movies have you seen Swayze in?

Dirty Dancing?

Ghost, yeah.

Have you ever seen Dirty Dancing?

Dirty Dancing.

It's pretty funny.

Pretty much just Ghost, I think.

I've seen Turdy Dancing.

Yeah.

It's about a guy that shits himself every time he goes dancing.

Turdy Dancing, New Delhi.

What is Dirty Dancing?

It's about a summer camp

in the 50s.

I've seen it.

But you go to camp with your family.

I've seen the movie.

Wait, it's John Lithgow.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Is that John Lithgow?

No, no, no.

The guy from Law and Order plays the dad.

Bum bum bum bum.

What's his name?

Bum bottom.

Iced tea.

No,

that old guy.

What's his name?

I can't believe my gay ass son is doing dancing.

Especially that dirty ass dancer.

Elliot, you want to come in here and do dirty fucking dancing?

Not on my watch.

They listen to.

Don't tell me why you raped that little girl.

What, you think raping a little girl makes you a man?

No, dancing doesn't either.

Damn, dude.

It's about having a ponytail and a leather jacket.

That's what being a man of the body.

Does he still have like a wet ponytail?

Always, brother.

I love that look.

Yeah, you should go wet ponytail.

Dude, I'm going to get a wet, bald pony, dude.

It's coming in.

I'm going bald enough soon that it's going to happen, bro.

How do you get your hair always looking wet like that?

Dude, just fucking.

You need some sort of product.

A pomade, baby.

Pomade, yeah.

A little bit of pomade.

Cocoa butter.

You know what I do?

I stay pissed off.

You know how they have those little squirt bottles to scare cats with?

Yeah, you just got to be sprayed.

Well, you just got a squirt bottle to scare cats with.

If the cats are.

Just a regular, regular spray bottle.

Oh, okay.

I have one of those for my bonsai trees.

Yeah, exactly.

Which, hey, if you're one of these bonsai pros out there that's DMing me to call me a faggot and that I'm not good at bonsai, you know what?

That's not what bonsai is about.

Everybody has their own

journey.

Do not hate on my man, Nick.

They're like, it's going to take 10 years before that even looks like a tree.

Well, so be it.

Yeah.

I'm going to be an old Japanese man.

That's right.

My little cottage in a hill somewhere.

Nick's got nothing but time, brother.

Just bench pressing and fucking doing bonsai.

Bro, I did a fucking masterful home workout with my little brother the other day.

What did you do?

Nick was ugly.

You fucked your brother.

I fucked him with the other one.

By the way, guys, it's almost home workout month,

June, in honor of Chris Chris Benoit.

Who did the ultimate home workout?

Sponsored by BoFlex Total Jim.

God damn, dude.

Yeah.

That was a big.

We were laughing about that at the live show.

I was saying this morning to Amber

that

they did the OJ series, American Crime Story, and they did the John Benet one.

There has to be a dramatic 10-part series on the Chris Benoit murder.

You just find all actors that look exactly like Chris Benoit.

Fuck yes.

You know, one that looks exactly like Chris Jericho.

Yep.

You could just get Jericho.

You could just get Jericho.

Jericho's around.

He's available.

He fancies himself an actor.

He did People Talking Sports.

Did he?

Yeah, yeah.

He's a cool guy, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's charismatic.

But anyways, you get him to do a dramatic series about the death of his colleague.

And yeah, that would be a great.

I would watch the shit out of that.

That would be the series of the summer.

100%.

And you know what?

I don't know how optioning the story works or what's legal in terms of doing that shit, but I might write a little spec and pitch it to my agency.

Well, technically, to my agency that doesn't speak to me anymore.

Technically,

no way.

Hey, I know I cost that company six million dollars in my come podcast, but what do you think about this?

Just a little quick treatment: this guy murdered his family with wrestling news a decade ago, in the same vein as the John Benet Ramsey series.

We do a series about a man with CTE murdering his family and then hanging himself in the bow flex.

Oh, no, straight to voicemail?

Okay.

My man Crippler cross-faced his son to death, dude.

That is a literal finishing move.

Well, technically, you would do him.

If he killed his entire family, then no one owns his estate, then, right?

I'm pretty sure.

I was nearly a lawyer.

Oh, progress.

That's right.

So that means that the story you could just use.

Yeah, and you don't have to pay anyone.

Yeah, you probably don't have to.

If it's a public story and they're public figures, why wouldn't you be able to i guess we could do the unlicensed story yeah crams ben oit do they have to pay anyone to do the oj series i think i don't know a lot of times people just find a book and then they they option the book ah they must have written a book about it let's option that yeah let's start our own studio yeah let's go bankrupt

every cent we make on patreon

well why don't i just write the chris benoit book and then i option for myself now you're fucking then you can pay yourself double brother I get double

double money.

I get a book advance and then I option it and I need extra money from the book publisher to option my own story.

And then

it's coming together.

I like that.

How about this?

We start our own fucking publisher.

How about this?

I kill my own family and myself.

That way it's my story.

It's a story.

And then I'll be fictionalize my story as a man named Chris Benoit.

That's pretty much it.

Who's not related to the original Chris Benoit.

It's based on my story, but it's a man who happens to be named Chris Benoit, but it's the story about me.

But you got to legally change my name, legally change my name, bro.

Kill your family.

We found it, boys.

We found the legal story.

Okay, you got to start a family, right?

You got to let them grow up to like.

Dasha, get in here.

No, don't, don't make that joke.

Okay.

Don't make that joke.

What do you mean, don't make that joke?

Don't make that joke.

She's going to be a millionaire.

Dude, well, no, she'll be dead, I guess.

Who, Dasha?

Yeah, so we're going to have to kill her and the child.

Shit, who are we going to meet?

Who are we going to find?

I mean, I guess Nick can get married.

Chris Benoit story, the true story of professional wrestler Nick Maltz.

That's the title.

Right.

Okay.

You also need a WWE

contract.

Yeah, yeah.

You have to become intercontinental.

So you need to.

Okay, so we started our own WWE.

Wait, but hold on.

Was it WWE?

Yeah, I guess it was WWE.

They switched from WWF in, what, 98, 97?

They got a little later.

Yeah, there was like a lawsuit with the money.

No, it was like 97 or 98, I think.

Really?

I think it was later than that.

I think it was later.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Because

I remember that.

Or maybe I just remember learning what the World Wildlife Fund was in fourth grade.

I remember watching Raw in seventh grade, and that was too much.

Dude, I remember going to WWE.

I think it was still WWE.

I remember going to Greece and being like, and they still had very bootleg, like, video game rental shit.

And me and my family would spend like six weeks or whatever at a time in Greece.

And my cousin was like, big news, we're going to go get fucking rent a video game.

It's going to be awesome.

And he was like, what do you want?

And they didn't have pictures.

It was all bootleg.

They would just literally burn all the games, and one just said WWF.

And I was like, Oh my god, yes, let's get this.

It was like, that's like my big game to get while I'm in Greece.

And we fucking put it in, and it's just a bunch of gay ass pandas and shit.

There was no fucking

wide, and it wasn't even like a game that you could do anything.

It was like, uh, it was like a fucking, you remember those games where it was just like stories, and you just like picked, it was like a choose your own adventure book or whatever.

It was like, what do you want the pandas to eat bamboo?

A, press A for eat bamboo, b for yeah play around it was the fucking biggest letdown of my fucking life dude so opening scene the chris benoit movie he's in an exercise uh equipment store and he's looking over all of like the bow flexes and stuff

and um

you know he's like the salesman's talking to him and he's like yeah yeah yeah this is this one and then you we just see like he's like going over the features and then from Benoit's perspective, his ears start ringing and he's like zoning out.

Yeah.

And he doesn't really know what's happening.

Oh, yeah, that like high high-pitched.

Yeah, yeah.

And then he like comes back, and the guy's like, Mr.

Benoit?

Mr.

Benoit?

And he's like, oh, yo, yeah, sorry.

And they're like, are you okay?

And he's like,

yeah, I'm fine.

Title card.

You know, perfect.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

You know, like the, and then just pictures of wrestling moves superimposed in the background.

Yeah.

I think you got to hung Chris Benoit with one ass here.

You know, title card.

You got to open on a cold open, which is the crime, right?

And then you got to spend the entire 10 episodes.

Yeah, or the

911 call.

Hello, brother.

I went over here to check on my friend.

Wait, did another wrestler find him dead?

I don't care.

Yeah, for this, for this, for this, for this, for this story, Hulk Hogan found it.

I like that.

Macho Man found it.

Oh, yeah.

Give me a second.

I got to snap into a Slim June.

Elizabeth.

Hell yeah, dude.

Okay, so that's...

Okay, I like that.

You have him like zoning out.

You can tell that he has a hard time.

I want to play Yoko Zuna in.

I'm going to be in Yellowface.

Okay, we're not passing it right now.

Come on, let me be.

You got to break this story.

No, no, no, yeah, yeah.

Let's come up with an arc for the first 10 episodes, right?

So the cold open is most important.

And then, yeah, we can probably bang out Act One before we need to take a break.

Guys, this is now a writer's room podcast.

That's fine.

If you want any, because look, I am a professional television writer.

If you guys want to see what it's like

in the zone with me when I'm on the fucking clock, you know, when I'm not goofing off with my boys on a stupid podcast, this is how it works.

Adam, go get the index cards.

Yeah, I got that.

Go ahead and start putting holes in your wall.

Okay, that's fine.

Yeah, can you just set up an entire whiteboard system?

Yeah, I'm going to get that whiteboard paint.

You know what?

We need some lacrosse and goldfish.

Okay, I got LaCroix.

So let's take a minute, and we're going to spend the next 20 minutes writing down our favorite Lacroix flavors, and then we'll give that to the production assistant.

Who is Adam?

It is Adam.

Well, yeah, as the only non-television writer on the show.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot you wrote for television.

Yeah, Adam's the only one, which is funny because aesthetically, he's the most

like a TV writer.

No, no, I've never written for television, but I am in the guild.

Yeah, yeah.

Hereditary.

It gets past that way.

It's funny, I don't really even consider myself a TV writer, but I guess I've written for like, what, four shows?

Are you in the guild?

No.

No.

I'm a week away.

I was a week away.

Are you kidding?

Yeah, then the show got canceled.

The show got cancelled.

Well, I think it canceled just to get picked up.

It was the end of the story.

Yeah, we filled the order.

So you'll

cancel it.

It's the same thing.

It's hard to get in the Writers' Guild.

It's very hard.

Yeah, but I was like a week off.

And I probably won't at this point.

Because if you look at the trajectory of my career, I mean, the writing jobs have sort of dried up.

Nah, who knows?

Yeah, for me, I mean, I write for the same shit every year.

But

no, I've got something in my back pocket.

You know, we'll see what happens.

The Chris Benoit story?

The Chris Benoit story.

Yeah, okay.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Let's get back to that.

Well, hold on, it's lunch break.

So

we should take a minute to talk about gambling not only on our futures

but on sports, which

you can do anywhere now.

But why do it anywhere when you can do it with one of the best places to do it, betdsi.com?

That's right, bitch.

They've been in business for over 20 years.

They're not one of these new players to the sports betting game.

They've been around for a while, and they've got a great easy-to-use mobile app.

I use it myself, you know, to bet on people I don't like, you know, death pools.

Yes, right, exactly.

Easy-tuse mobile interface.

You sign up, you play, you win.

A lot of fun.

They have a great track record of paying out their customers.

And one of the top-reviewed sports betting websites online.

Now,

I don't actually bet on sports, so you can bet on a lot of different things, live events, you know, like what's got the NBA finals coming up right now.

And the NBA finals.

And the Stanley Cup finals.

Go Knights, Go.

So you can place bets on things like who is Stanley?

Yeah.

Who's Gabe?

Nobody knows who that was.

It was the the guy that came up with the construction stuttering Stanley

from Sixth Sense.

Another guy, yeah, it was him.

I don't know the difference between gambling and trivia.

That's another thing that you can bet on.

They offer live in-game wagering, so you can make plays as the game goes.

It's your bets when you're losing.

Yeah.

What do you guys, you got some picks for us?

The NBA finals are coming up, and it seems like I will maybe give LeBron one game.

I'm saying Warriors and five.

Game three, bet the Cavs.

Yeah, that's where they go home.

Yeah.

First game.

I'd say, yeah, Cavs game three.

That's a safe bet, but I don't know what the line is.

That's a safe bet, bro.

I don't even know.

It could very well be a sweep.

It's looking like...

I hope not.

LeBron's just playing a pretty epic fucking mismatch.

What do you think about game seven?

Game seven was a real sleeper.

Sleepy.

What do you think about hockey, bro?

I did.

After Funny Moms last night, we went home and we watched game seven on the television, but on my phone, I was watching

the Golden Knights.

They won game one.

I mean, I could see that going.

I don't know.

This is such a fucking improbable.

What do you take game two?

Game two, I would take the Knights at Home.

There's a guy on the caps that's suspended for the game for a late hit at the end of the game.

I don't really know much about hockey.

I'm a fake hockey fan.

I started...

Actually, no, that's not true.

I'm a lifelong Golden Knights fan.

My grandfather is in the hospital, and he's rooted for the Golden Knights for 85 years, and

he's on

Death's Door, but he just wants to see this happen.

I think there's magic there.

And

the magic of Superfluids.

Well, anyways, that all sounds boring to me, but if you place bets on this stuff at betdsi.com, it makes it a lot more fun.

It really is.

In fact, while I was sitting here, I made $200 million.

What did you bet on?

I don't know.

Whether Adam sucks dick or not.

Yeah, that was it.

That was the one.

I bet yes, and he did.

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You know, might as well just take that free money, go check it out, develop a little bit of a gambling problem, you know, and you get them all.

We're basically offering you a free cigarette or two if you've never smoked before.

Yep.

And let me tell you, smoking made me the man I am today.

Five foot one,

I can't run up a flight of stairs.

My dick doesn't work.

When it does, it's very dark.

A very dark

dick that indicates some kind of circulation problem.

Kind of a livery color?

Yes, very much so.

Like pate.

Not as dumb as pate.

Right, it doesn't look like another race.

It looks like

it's dusty.

It's a boiled piece of meat.

Right, like somebody left like something in attic.

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It'll be great.

And we're back.

And what were we talking about?

The Chris Benois.

Oh, the Chris Benoit.

Back at work.

Let me plug my date in Seattle also.

Well, in the middle of the show.

6.28 laughs in Seattle, Thursday.

That's already up.

And then I'll be in Portland, I think, 7.

We're still figuring that one out.

It's probably going to be at the Siren Theater, and it's probably going to be either the 3rd of July or the 2nd or 1st.

So, anyway, hopefully, it'll be up by the time you hear this.

But, yes, come out and see me.

Right before Independence Day.

That's right.

All right.

So,

okay.

Pilot episode.

Get the flashback.

911 call.

All right.

Okay.

So here's the book.

It's called Chris and Nancy: The True Story of the Benoit Murder, Suicide, and Pro Wrestling's Cocktail of Death.

So we're going to go free sample.

And if you just read the sample, you don't have to option the whole book.

Yeah, that's true.

It's available to the public on Amazon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

well,

I'm in a writer's room what they call a maverick.

You know, they call me legal's worst nightmare.

They call me a goose because I like to, instead of doing my job, argue with the lawyers from Viacom about what constitutes fair use and harassment.

Yep.

You're one of the finest legal minds I know.

Yeah,

they really enjoy having me around when I say, technically,

it's not child pornography because the baby's penis isn't hard.

It's an instructional video.

Yeah.

Yep.

By Irvin Muchnik.

That's this guy's name.

Irvin Muchnik.

Irvin Munchdick.

Yeah, that's.

Yeah, maybe now he's going to murder his family and kill himself, too.

He's a loose cannon.

It's me, Irvin.

Is that me?

The loose canon of being gay.

Irvin Munchdick.

He's a real loose asshole.

Take that, Irvin, you fucking bitch.

All right, let's go.

Let's start this.

What's he say?

What does Irvin say?

Okay, Chris Benoit.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Grow up, you're 40 years.

It opens with a text message to or from Nancy to Chris.

Grow up, you're 40 years old, for mighty sakes.

Get off this stuff.

It's obvious I'm probably not the only one who can see you.

And you both know the WWE wellness program is a joke.

Damn.

Chris Benoit, text message.

The scandal isn't what's illegal.

It's what's legal.

I don't know who Michael Kingsley is.

I share an unintended badge of honor.

This is a foreword by Phil Mushnick.

Phil Munchnick's brother's brother, who also munches dick.

Yeah.

I don't know.

This is fucking bad.

This is more about.

What the fuck is this?

Now it's all about his stupid last name?

Boo.

Staten Islander.

Or when Mushnik became Mushnick.

Irv was living in New York.

Oh, you're reading about the author?

No, I'm reading the sample.

Why is this included in the sample?

Damn, dude.

That's fucking bullshit.

Never trust a munch dick.

All right, let's get let's get into it, please.

You guys remember Butt Munch?

That was a good-ass childhood.

That was introduction to the digital edition.

The dick, the digital, a fucking.

All right, hold.

Don't let me leave me hanging here, guys.

The dick shit, the dick, the dick, the dick jet-ass ass function.

I got it, I got you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Throw me the ball a little bit.

Iso for me, here comes the ball.

This is like that scene in Cliffhanger where he's like just barely hanging onto the wire.

Dick munch.

Don't let go!

Gay

Irv.

Yeah.

Suck the ding.

All right.

God damn it.

And what are you looking up against?

The entire sample.

I'm looking up another Chris Benoit book.

Okay.

All right.

Fuck it.

We don't need the the books.

We'll make up our own goddamn story.

All right.

So he's in the

Bowflex thing.

The conflict we have to establish is between him and his wife, Nancy.

Well, to me, it's like already

350 pounds.

Black woman.

You know?

Hold on.

We got the.

I think your phone is on a cord or something.

Oh.

Is that better?

Yeah, it's better.

It's over now.

Nancy Benoit.

Stav, DJ Stavros on the wall.

Let's see what this woman is doing.

What kind of dispute are they having in home?

She's making lunch for the kids.

Oh, she was a professional wrestler, too.

Oh.

All right, I don't want that detail in there.

No, let's get rid of that.

Let's make her a theoretical physicist.

I like that.

Because we contrast the two Tyson

drawn.

Yeah.

So she's at the forefront of science.

She was raped by Neil deGrasse Tyson in the 1990s.

She's the woman that was raped by him.

And that's why nobody knows who she is.

And she had to marry a mental retard.

Oh, yeah.

So she's living a quiet life in the house.

A quiet life, hiding from the science world, but quietly doing science in the attic.

Yep, yep.

What if Neil deGrasse Tyson lives in the middle of the moment?

With the attic where she lives, because it's the only place in the house that's not filled with exercise equipment.

Yeah.

I think we got a fucking

gunman on the grassy knoll, Neil deGrasse Tyson, to cover up the body.

I like that.

He's actually the one who crippler crossfaces her to do.

That's what Chris Benoit is quietly dealing with.

He's piecing together the fact that his wife was raped by Neil DeGrasse.

Okay.

So he's got, like, in the basement, he's got a whole setup with

strings and like

coming up with

this.

Who raped my wife?

Just all the arms of the Boflex lead to different

people.

Wow.

Margie Mulligan, University Astrophysics.

And he has to lift his weight.

And he has to lift the strings together.

Okay.

All right.

This is coming together.

I saw him from the Boflex store, and she's like, where have you been?

And he was like, I was just at a bar drinking.

And she was like, Let me see your phone.

He's like, I don't want to show you my phone.

I've just been, I'm getting drunk all day during the day.

And she was like, You were at the Boflex store again, weren't you?

He's like, Get off my fucking ass.

You don't know everything I'm doing for you.

She's like, Doing for us?

What?

You just because you put food on the table?

He's like, I do a hell of a lot more than that.

And at the time, we're on her side because we don't know that he's solving her rape with exorcisms.

Yeah, I see.

Okay, okay.

Yes.

So initially, we just said, because people know the story.

People know he murdered his family.

So he has to look like a villain at first.

And then as we peel back the layers, he becomes a more sympathetic character as we remove weights from the stack.

Yes.

And that's what the title card should be.

It's like people's names and then different settings on the bow flex, lowering.

Yeah, as we get more and deeper into the story.

I'm going to be directing it as well.

Okay.

I think something that could really add to this project is if we have a lot of

dialogue-free scenes.

Let's get that Ching Chong guy that did True Detective.

Yeah, we could have him.

What's his name?

Kilbasachi Yamaguchi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy.

Tara Lachonsky or whatever.

Okay, we have a lot of Deki Yamagi Yamaguchi.

We need a lot of dialogue-free,

like, sort of, with just only a kind of a hard rock

soundtrack of men just getting ripped.

Well, it has to work out.

What it has to be is getting strong.

Moments where we're seeing the old Chris come through have to be underlined by hair metal because he always has to dial back to the 1980s.

Motley Crew.

Right.

All my excesses that led to.

In fact,

we should get Tommy Lee on board.

Yeah.

Quiet riot.

Quiet riot's good.

A lot of quiet riot.

Yeah.

Come on, suck my dick.

The 80s were kind of like when steroids were king, right?

Yeah.

That was like a hot.

You know what?

But

we only hear it when Chris is driving around in his 1997 era star, listening to Quiet Riot on cassette tapes.

Yes.

So

it'll, you know, that

Quiet Riot saturates the scene where he's storming out.

of the house after the argument with his wife, and then it dials back where it's just on the cassette while he's driving.

And what that symbolizes is

that

Chris's memories of the glamour of the 1980s saturate his entire existence.

And he can't see that it's destroying his life when ultimately it's a very small, low-fidelity part of what's going on in the world at large in his era star that's filled with yet another Bowflex.

He said that Errastar

has two Boflexes in there.

He's addicted, literally, to buy

Boflexes.

Yes, yes.

That's his real problem.

It's not the steroids.

It's the Bowflexes.

And then Nancy, or whatever the fuck her name is, she can't help herself.

It's been too long without science.

Yeah.

So then she goes, she sneaks back into the observatory.

Well, she's sneaking chemicals into his food to try and kill him, but she's accidentally making OxyContin.

Oh, okay.

So she's going to get chemicals, and then she bumps into who does she see?

Macho Man Randy Samuel.

Macho Man Randy Sam Randy Sandy.

I'm gay.

Nancy.

I've got to tell you I've never, somewhere I've never told anyone.

And now she's not?

She's burdened by this fact.

Wow.

She's holding Macho Man secret.

Macho Man's like, I've got to tell you something.

I was also raped by Neil DeRance Tyson.

Oh, my God.

So they're in sort of a sister.

That's got to be like episode four of Survivor.

That's when the show really falls off.

Yeah.

The Night Off.

They're like, the Kylie was good.

And the lawyer's hiding drugs in her pussy.

Did she really?

Yeah, dude.

The Night Off just completely just the first episode is really.

The first episode is one of the best things I've ever seen on TV.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that like anxiety it creates with that fucking kid where you don't know and he doesn't know and it's just it was just real and palpable.

And then by the fifth or sixth episode, it was just a completely different thing.

She really has drugs in her pussy?

She hides drugs in her pussy and she making them in jail.

What the fuck?

Yeah, like what Rikers.

The lawyer?

I thought John Lake.

Not John Lagosambo.

I thought.

No, she has a lawyer that can't resist his sexuality.

Oh, that guy.

So he uses his smooth talking ways.

Yeah.

No, she has like a

turo.

And John Taturo also gets a.

The family, I guess, gets they go to some big dick law firm who has an Indian intern or whatever.

Or she's like a junior associate.

She's a junior associate.

Yeah.

You know, so she's basically.

And she's the sweet line girl from Darjeeling Limited.

Yeah.

Never saw it.

That girl that Jason Schwartz.

Yeah, everyone knows Stav's seen Darjeeling.

There's no way Stop hasn't seen Darjeeling women.

It's a good movie.

Is that What's His Face?

Wes Anderson, yeah.

I've seen most of his movies.

Yeah, yeah.

One time I was watching.

I wish I could get into Wes Anderson movies again.

I wish I could just go to the theater and have a nice twee, bullshit fucking experience.

I didn't think the.

I wish I wasn't so cynical now that I can't enjoy it.

It got more twee, man.

I haven't liked the last, like, two or three.

I didn't like the little kids dancing.

I didn't like that one.

The hotel movie was good.

The hotel one, I was kind of sick and tired of it.

I think I was in a bad mood when I was watching it.

I saw that movie on an iPad.

How about a movie called Hotel Broanda, and it's about a bunch of guys that lift weights.

Yes.

And they're in a hotel and they exterminate each other's ass.

They're killing Africans.

They're still killing Africans.

They're still doing genocide.

But it's a bunch of SoCal bros just getting beefed up and beating Africans.

They're all named like Laser and Laser.

They're even more a problematic version of Hotel Rwanda.

It's worse than the Mini Tunes and the Toothsies.

Damn, I thought they would just be gay together.

Yeah.

Anyways, back to work.

Yeah, sorry.

We took enough of a breath.

Okay, all right.

So, Mantra Manny Savage getting raped by Neil deGrasse Tyson.

No, no, but we got to figure out what happens in Act 1 that lets us know that this is only going to end with him murdering his family.

Okay, well, is that necessary?

Because people already know the end.

No, I think.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Didn't Neil.

I think Neil deGrasse Tyson killed him, dude, and RS.

Also, we should go back and think it's right to

think has to start with

him sitting down at that Bowflex, and he's got blood and

adder all glued to his face.

Yeah.

Or the 911 call.

Do we go 911 call?

What are we trying to say with the opening?

No, no, no.

I think you're right.

I think you have him sitting at the Bowflex.

We'll never know his motivation.

We have to know our motivation.

No, but what we know, we see a shadowy figure at the Bowflex, and everyone will assume.

Shadowy figure?

And everyone will assume that.

How did you get this job?

Chris Benoit, dude.

Have Chris Benoit.

He's put on the choir right now.

We know it's...

Yeah, we know it's assuming that.

We know it's the Chris Benoit show.

Okay, but how about...

I still think Neil deGrasse Tyson should brainwash him with science.

All right, but beyond the ultimate view.

You don't want to disclose that.

I know, but I'm saying we need from the job.

You know what it is?

You want to have a chance to do it.

No, no, it's the police officers seeing the crime and one cop's cleaning this up.

And then one guy's like, Yeah, this guy's like a wrestler or something.

And then the other guy's like, Yeah, I used to be into this shit when I was a kid.

And then that's

flashback.

He's the greatest goddamn wrestler that ever lived.

Yeah, yeah.

And then we go back to his childhood.

Yeah.

I love him.

In the Alabama of Canada, whatever that is.

Canada's South.

Winnipeg.

It's Georgia, Canada.

What is it?

What's the place?

Calgary.

Calgary.

Shreveport, Canada.

Cowboy Park.

The Cowboy Part of Canada.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he's like running running through the forest.

He's chopping down trees and stuff.

Sort of that like.

He's drinking beer.

South will rise.

South Canada will rise again.

He's

a maple leaf in the middle of a Confederate flag.

You know, and he's budding.

How about this?

He accidentally kills his little brother doing a Crippler crossface.

That didn't happen.

But we got a fucking that's like the flash.

That's the thing that's been haunting him.

It's been haunting him forever.

His entire life.

You do need something like that in his childhood.

Exactly.

Something that he's been running from his entire life.

No, you know what we flash back to?

The first time he has a concussion, then the doctor's like, You can't.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what you flashback to.

Right, right.

Yeah, I agree.

And it has to be

flashed back even more.

But the doctor.

I think the whole thing should be a series of flashbacks.

The doctor is Will Smith doing African voice from the movie.

The concussion.

Yes.

You got it.

You got to

throw back.

Why do you do this to your head?

Why are you going to make your no game feel bad?

I am a doctor who has taken the time to do a little research into what homosexuals do in the privacy of their own bedroom.

They have a practice called anal feasting, where one man's hand is inserted into another man's rectum, and he is so painful they have to take drugs.

And then Vince McLean.

My favorite part of that video is that they're just showing hardcore gay porn to like a room full of Ugandan parents concussion starring Will Smith.

I am here to, in the capacity as the chairman of the task force against concussions in the NFL and also homosexuality in Uganda.

It's true.

Did you know that 68% of the gay community has CT from sex?

From getting their fucking brains from getting smashed up by clocks.

It's true.

That's how they do it.

They just fucking, those big Ugandan dicks, they use them like fucking baseball bats on each other's heads.

Why are you doing this?

Why do you do this?

Why you do this?

And of course,

we got to use that name.

No, we can't say that.

I just remember what the name was, the fake African name that we use sometimes.

Oh, yeah, no, that's for a sketch.

That's what you can do.

It's much funnier written down.

If you just say it, people don't know how it's spelled and they think it's racist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can't just say it.

It is.

It's a bad word.

Anyway,

people don't know what it is.

What word

on this podcast?

Yeah, but

you don't know the slight change we did to that word.

To make it funny.

Okay, all right.

I think if Chris Benoit has doo-doo, it's Professor Doodoo.

You have to have a central tension in their relationship, right?

A soft A-N-word should sort of be a demilitarized zone between white people and black people.

Oh, I don't know.

Okay, I don't know if you're going to.

Yeah,

neither of us should be allowed to say that.

That's right.

Why are they?

How about the hard R should be?

That's fun.

Hard R should be the demilitarized zone.

Because it's more of a proper pronunciation.

You walk in that zone.

Get too close, you can get your ass moved.

What if that's

like a white guy that's mad at black people for changing the word?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Say it properly.

Say it properly.

Pull up your pants and use the ER.

Use the R, boy.

Wear a belt, tuck in your shirt, and say the hard R.

These

lazy savages wasting all these letters.

Government don't pay for their dinner.

What?

They got to waste the letters, too?

I'm out here drinking my own spit,

sitting on this porch, drinking my own spit and piss all day because I lost my job at the phone booth.

They stopped putting, you couldn't bust open the phone booth, take the cords out of no more.

Ain't nobody using it.

Well, because them savages done got in cell phones now.

Yep, it's true.

Wasting all them letters.

They love text messages.

Well, what?

You got unlimited text messaging.

Type the damn R in there.

Sitting here drinking my own shit.

I got my big-ass turd in the middle of a hot dog bun.

I was sucking on it in the brutal July heat.

I'm out here eating diarrhea stew.

I've got big old dog turd sitting on my head.

I chewed all my clothes off my body.

These savages aching on my big toe.

Getting all the puss out of of this infected flesh wound.

An angry old racist who only eats his own bodily fluid.

That's a Georgia summer for you, boy.

That's Creole.

Now, that don't sound too bad.

Yeah, Pierre St.

Pierre.

What a great character that Adam doesn't know anything about.

I wasn't there.

Yeah, you weren't there.

Yeah.

That's right.

You weren't fucking there, Nancy.

I'm sorry.

You weren't fucking there.

Oh, are we going back to memoirs?

Yeah.

Nancy Menoir.

Come on, man.

We're at work right now.

We're at work.

Actually, you know what?

We should actually write the

fun treat for the Patreon if we write a whole five-act

Chris Benoit sauce.

Chris Benoit saw it.

So it's just a movie.

No.

Oh, no.

Five-act story structure for like a 10.

10-hour-long drama.

We'll write the pilot.

I'll write a little treatment up for the whole series.

And then, you know what?

We could probably actually pitch it.

Why not?

But it has to be.

I mean, if you could go look at some of the dumbass emails I've sent to my manager with bad ideas in it.

This one, not

I don't, I and listen, we're passionate about the project, passionate about exercise, yeah, we're passionate about this, getting the story out there, and we're coming up on the 10-year or the uh 12-year anniversary, which is technically the amount of time you have to wait before you can uh, yeah, develop a project like this before nostalgia begins, right?

Exactly.

I mean, it was, yeah, it was 11 years ago, all right.

Um, so yeah, I mean, I figure we sell it now, it'll probably be shot and then ready to air next year, right?

At 12 years,

it's vintage.

12 years.

Can I be Neil deGrasse Tyson in Blackface?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to be Eddie Guerrero.

Yes, Ellie.

Oh, dude.

I miss him every day.

I know.

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

Anyway, okay.

I think there needs to be a central conflict in their relationship where Chris is lying to her about something, which is his Boflex and steroid addiction.

And she's lying to him about something.

And it can't just be the rent.

I'm just reading books again.

She's doing science.

She's been doing science.

She's doing science in private.

And he said, she's like, baby, I'll keep you safe.

You got to promise me you'll never do science again because when you do science, you get raped.

And then, well, he doesn't know she got raped.

But then also,

he doesn't want his son around gay ass books.

That's true.

He wants his son to be strong

and not gay.

That's right.

And his son has been reading.

He catches his son reading.

Check this out, dude.

So Chris Benoit's real-life wife, what's her name?

She used to be married to another wrestler named

Kevin Sullivan.

Who's that?

Sully.

And some guy.

Kevin Nash?

Kevin Sullivan.

And

he designed,

his rival was Chris Benoit.

And in the wrestling world, he was like, what if we had a storyline where you leave me for Chris?

And you fell in love.

And then in the 1990s, so Nancy, who wrestled under the ring name Woman

would leave him for Chris Benoit, and Sullivan insisted that the two should travel together, share hotel rooms, and hold hands in public to preserve the

are you kidding?

Yeah, that is the most romantic thing.

Well, I mean, that's a good thing.

That is a beautiful love story.

He was just trying to get out of it, dude.

There's no way he knew what he was doing.

He's like, what if you fuck my friend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He knew that.

Once you get that mongoloid Canadian charm, dude.

We got to have that in the movie, though.

That's good.

Yeah, that's got to be in there.

I guess he died as friends.

So, are we scrapping this whole science thing and making her a wrestler?

No, no, no.

Okay.

Well, we can just bounce back and forth because you know what we're also going to do?

Do it from Chris's perspective.

So, none of it's going to make any sense because he has brain damage.

Yeah, it's true.

It's going to be an unreliable narrator.

Oh, I like that.

You know, I'm a huge fan of Faulkner.

So,

we're going to do it Faulkner style.

Fuckner style.

You like Faulkner?

I like Faulkner.

Yeah?

I like that.

That's smart.

It's a book.

Maybe we can work that out.

Maybe we can open it up.

It's a lot of characters.

He has just done reading Faulkner.

What is that for?

The opening scene

is the murder scene, right?

Very graphic.

Very graphic.

And then we're painting

blood spraying out of the Bowflex onto a bookshelf.

Too much blood.

And then it's the bookshelf from the Danzig home.

Yes.

So it's like spooky books.

True stories about how Jesus was goth, you know, werewolves and how to jack off to them.

Yes, yes.

And then also a copy of The Sound and the Fury.

And then splashes on that.

Then we have a flashback.

You know, we're in Mississippi.

Second flashback.

Yeah, we're in Mississippi.

Double flashback.

William Faulkner at his typewriter.

Ooh, yeah.

I like it.

It's a hot day.

William Faulkner, very similar to Chris Benoit.

And we draw a parallel between Chris Benoit and William Faulkner.

And then it's really not even a show about Chris Benoit anymore.

It becomes about

an artistry.

What's about great Americans?

Wasn't Faulkner writing while he had a fucking

job

at a fucking factory and shit?

Didn't my man write that big-ass book he did while at a factory?

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

What's like the most famous book he wrote?

Oh, I don't know.

What did he do?

East of Eden or whatever?

No, that's

not Faulkner.

It's not Faulkner.

It's Steinbeck.

Steinbeck.

He had one big-ass book.

What did he do?

Faulkner is Absalom, Absalom, Alight in August, Sound and the Fury.

Sound of the Fury.

As I Lay Dying.

Yes, As I Lay Dying.

Yeah, yeah.

That was also an emo band.

Yeah, yeah.

I think he wrote that shit while he was at a factory job.

Okay, so flashback, William Faulkner, he's in the factory.

Yes, he has, he has.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And his manager is a Cajun man named Pierre Benoit.

Whoa.

Who we don't know yet is Chris Benoit's great-grandfather.

Great-great-great-grandfather.

Because Chris Benoit's father was 12 when he had him.

And he comes from a long line of men that only

give birth at 12 years old.

The men give birth.

So even though it's only 60 years prior,

70 years prior, or whatever, there's already a time.

There's a time for five generations

to move to Canada

and lose their Cajun accent and just become Canadian rednecks.

Right.

That's good.

I love that.

Anyways, I think that's.

We got the first half of the first episode.

I mean, that's enough for me.

This is a pretty good thing.

No, it's not enough work for today, but we certainly, you know, we've made some progress.

Now we just need to figure out what we're talking about.

We're going to have on the next podcast, I think.

Are we out of time?

We can still do some time.

We have plenty of time.

Yeah, we have 17 minutes to write more of this.

But we can still keep going.

I mean, I've got a timer on here.

I'm on the one

side.

The bell doesn't dismiss you.

Yeah.

My dick.

Stay in your goddamn seat.

My dick dismisses you.

I love when teachers try to do that.

The bell doesn't dismiss you.

I dismiss you.

It's like, no, the bell dismisses us.

That's the whole point of the bell, you fucking moron.

I hate it when they were.

You try and take a little extra authority.

No.

Yeah, they used to also say, like,

you're not on your time, you're on my time.

What does that mean?

Yeah.

I know.

You don't own.

I had pretty good teachers.

Who owns time?

Who owns time?

What are you, the

Time Master?

Yeah.

What's this?

Is this a glue stick?

I think it's a chapstick.

It looks fancy.

It's not mine.

Douglas Naturals.

All right.

So.

Okay.

I think we could take a break from from writing the Benoit movie.

No, no, no.

We still need to keep going?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

So, Pierre St.

Benoit.

Yeah, why are you always trying to take a break?

Aren't you trying to have a career in the entertainment industry?

Okay, third flash.

First of all, there's a lot of agents and managers that listen to this show.

That's a fact.

That is true.

I'm an industry favorite.

These are the industry traders.

They need to know that we have the kind of work ethic that will allow us to get a lot of people.

Exactly.

You can't give up on an idea.

On the next season, Bosch, which is what I'm angling.

I want to write for Bosch.

I'm trying to write for Roseanne.

I'm trying to write for Bosch, which, and this is about me right now.

Okay, that's fine.

I respect that.

So, step one: what is Bosch?

What is that show about?

I still don't know.

What does anyone know?

Tools.

Who has any idea?

I think it's Tools.

I think he's a detective who may or may not be.

He's like a new monk.

May or may not be named Bosch.

Franklin and Bosch.

It'd be funny.

Franklin and Bosch.

Yeah.

Everybody knows a detective named like Eric Smith, and then the show's just called Bosch for some reason.

And they never explain why it's called Bosch.

And then you find out that's what Neil deGrasse Tyson, the type of jigsaw he used to cut off Chris Granois' wife's dress.

Cut her dress off with the jigsaw before raping her.

That's right.

In space.

Yeah, yeah.

In planets.

In the planetarium.

In saying things are different sizes than they are.

Right.

That's what you learn in space.

So, okay, so you go flashback, Carnegie Mellon University, Cleveland, Ohio.

She's a young co-ed.

He is a professor.

He says, I want you, I want you to meet me after class.

She went to his office.

1961?

1961.

1961.

Finally, she goes to his office.

He's shirtless.

So back in the background, we're hearing rock and roll.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because metal isn't around yet.

One o'clock, one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock,

five o'clock, six o'clock, eight o'clock, nine.

All the numbers.

Nine o'clock, ten o'clock, twelve o'clock, eleven o'clock,

there's lotta numbers on the clock.

Rape, rape, rapio, we're about to get raped.

My nail dude has died.

She's like, what's happening to me?

And he's like, they don't have a name for this yet.

It hasn't been invented.

They don't know.

This is called having sex still.

Out of when you're doing something wrong, actually.

Me, I'm just.

Boys will be boys.

Is what it's called

on the charts.

Boys will be boys too.

We're trying to send men to the moon.

What are you doing?

Complaining?

This is why they shouldn't let girls in space school here at Carnegie Mellon,

home of space.

Hell yeah.

We get a jacked guy to play young, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Yeah, and he has a base construction.

We get Terry Cruz.

Of course.

Terry Cruz.

You know he's doing that titty thing that he does.

Absolutely.

Everyone loves it when he does that titty flat thing.

Absolutely.

Yeah, we do also have to license one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock rock.

No matter how much the estate of Elvis asks.

Was that Elvis?

One o'clock, two o'clock, sucker cock, clock.

Yep.

Five o'clock, sucker cock, my dad's ass.

Lick my nuts, fuck my ass, lick my dad's dick.

Who wrote that song, Elvis?

The suck.

I think so.

It was a clock song.

Those were very popular back in the day.

What about you ain't nothing but a hound dog?

That was a dog song.

Yeah.

You ain't nothing but a guy that fucks dogs.

Fucking them all the time.

Yeah, that's unexplored territory for Cometownus.

That's good.

50s pop music.

50s and about fucking dogs instead of your dad.

I like that.

Okay.

So flashback to her rape.

Then flashback North Carolina 1981 WWF wrestling

like Combine Training Institute, whatever.

Mick Flair is running the Combine.

You got all these young.

That's cool.

So it's like a first class, like X-Men first class you guys.

All the guys are like, you know, seeing how much they can bench press doing the 40-yard or whatever.

Right, right.

And then in the back corner, we see

some nerds and they're rolling out this thing under a tarp.

And all the rest is like, what the fuck is that?

And they're like opening it up and it's a bow flight.

Oh, the first bow flight.

It's the first bow flight.

I saw where you were going with that.

He's like just leaning over a squat rack.

And he's like, that's stupid.

He's like, that's the gayest thing I've ever seen.

And they're like, boom, crazy times we're living in.

And they're like, this is actually the future.

He's like, do you want to try it?

And then the first time you see him use a Bowflex.

No, he makes fun of the scientist, but then he sneaks back in later that day.

He makes fun of the scientists, and he's like, no scientists will ever own me in any way whatsoever.

And then he finds out years later that his wife was raped by him.

Oh, because he hates science.

That's the own.

Guess who the scientist is?

Who is it?

A young Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Oh, he's the one who made Boflex Before he put on the makeup.

That is the lick.

A young white Neil deGrasse Tyson.

That is the lick.

He has reverse vital eigo.

He becomes black.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I can't think of a better name for reverse vital eigo.

I'm going to say it.

Oh, fuck.

This is really coming together, boys.

I like it.

Okay, so Neil deGrasse Tyson both raped his wife and invented.

Invented the Beaufort.

which is the thing that he has developed this crippling addiction to.

See, it's the steroid.

Yeah.

This is going to be a good-ass show, dude.

This is going to be so good, dude.

This is going to be the best show that anyone's ever watched.

Yep.

Whoa, dude.

Who knew Neil McCrass

was the villain in Chris Benoit's life?

What do you think about casting for Benoit?

Dreamcasting.

Budgets, no.

That fat Matt Damon.

Fake Matt Damon, yeah.

He'd be perfect.

And he's in all that.

Landry.

What's his name?

Fat Matt Damon.

What's his name?

He was in.

Somebody, if he listens to the show, please reach out to us.

We would love to cast you in our Chris Benoit show

from Friday Night Lights.

Wink one wink

about me.

It's about this crime that Nick is actually going to be committing.

So we don't have to license this story.

Yeah, so Fat Matt Damon is listening, whatever your stupid ass name is.

Wasn't he in Breaking Bad?

He was in Breaking Bad.

He was in Breaking Bad and Friday Night Lights.

And Fargo.

And Fargo.

Was he in Friday Night Lights Lights?

Fargo, which was the best show on TV in the last four years prior to the Chris Benoit story.

Yep.

Which is going to be the best.

He's coming for you, motherfuckers.

It's like my dick Billy Bob Thornton in the first season.

So he's going in the first wrestling match, right?

He's at the Combine, and that's where he makes friends with Kevin Sullivan.

Yes.

And Kevin Sullivan.

We have to change that.

He's got to be

Kevin Sullivan's his best friend.

Kevin Sullivan.

It'll be Kevin Sullivan.

It should be anything.

It's Kevin Sorbo who's the wrestling.

And Kevin Sorbo, who's a bro.

Who you're allowed to use because he's a Christian.

He has been locked out of Hollywood.

Exactly.

Any Christian person is allowed.

You can do their story.

So let's get what's his face?

Kirk Cameron.

Kirk Cameron.

Yeah.

Kevin Sorbo.

Kevin Sorbo.

So we get Kirk Cameron to play Kevin Sorbo.

Kevin Sorbo.

I see what you're saying.

So Kevin Sorbo walks up and he introduces him, Chris Benoit, to his wife.

This is my wife, Nancy, who hasn't been raped yet, by the way.

Yep.

And Chris is like, she hasn't been raped.

And then they kind of have like a moment where he falls in love with her because she's not a rape victim.

So she's still

pure.

She's still pure.

And then she's like, I just got to go back to

the stock room to get more steroids where that scientist is, you you know.

Oh, it happens then and there.

Maybe it doesn't happen then.

But no, you know what?

It's probably too early for that to happen.

The rip?

No, you want to be able to do that.

I thought it happened to Carnegie Mellon.

Because you know where we find out that it's that the Boflex guy is Neil deGrasse Tyson?

It has to be the end of the episode where we see that guy putting on blackface makeup for some reason.

The end of episode like four or five.

People watching at home go, oh shit.

Yeah.

Damn.

I can't wait for next week.

He just looks exactly like Neil DeGrand Tyson, but he's white.

Like, oh, that guy looks kind of weird.

And then he puts the black face on.

Oh.

Yeah.

This is like Vince Gilligan level shit.

And then people on Twitter are going to be like, what's going to happen next week?

You know,

I have the whole audience

debating and arguing.

Chris Hardwick, hey, you're here and talking Ben

I really can't.

What's up, nerds?

We're talking Benoit.

When it turned out, the Boflex salesman was also mentally retarded.

And then

he spoke a language that only Chris understood.

Yeah.

All right.

So

then you want to take it back to modern day, right?

No, because we got to like, it should be.

Oh, we got to go way back and then work our way up.

No, yeah, work our way up to the murder.

So he just sort of meets her.

He's in his first wrestling match or whatever.

And there has to be something that happens in the first wrestling match where it shows his promise, but then also him getting fucking dinged in the noggin.

Yeah, he, well,

he doesn't have his character down, right?

Yeah.

He's ashamed of being French-Canadian.

Yeah.

He's afraid of his French assets.

I do not want people.

Oh,

to think I'm a retired.

Yeah, so he comes up with like a.

And one of the other wrestlers is like, he's like, dude, I used to have an accent too.

I'm actually from Turkey.

And he's like, what I found that works is

I smash a hammer into my forehead.

And you can talk normal.

And it makes me talk.

It makes me talk normal.

He was like,

I don't know.

So then Chris Benoit tries.

He's like, oh, my God, it works.

It's like doing poppers, basically.

Wow.

And they are also doing it.

So he also gets into it.

Their asses are so wide.

He gets really into poppers and smashing himself in the head of the hammer to get rid of his French-Canadian accent.

We got to have a scene where he tries the Boflex total gym activity.

Well, that's what happens.

He doesn't win this first match because his range of motion isn't good enough.

And his character is bad, too.

No, I think he has to win the first match.

That's too much.

That's too much going on for the first episode.

He can't also not.

I thought this was like episode four.

No, no, no.

We're still in the middle.

We're still in episode one.

We're still on

act one.

Act one.

Act one.

Episode one.

Yeah, yeah.

We have basically

We just landed on a cold opening.

This is a dense show, is what you're saying.

Oh, yeah.

There's a lot happening.

Oh, man.

You want to be a big boy?

You want to be a real big boy television writer?

David Chase?

This is the kind of work we do.

Okay.

45 minutes a day.

But I'm already out of La Croix.

Great.

I'm ready for another one.

I think we're out of Lacroix in general.

Oh, God.

Do you have goldfish?

I do.

Those tiny Oreos.

Which are Oreos minis?

Yeah, that doesn't feel like you're not eating 35 Oreos.

You're eating like five servings.

I like yeah.

Okay, Mon Talk or Sausalito.

That's something the production needs to get on.

I like to go salsalito.

That's about going chocolate.

We all stop working for two hours and start taking vines as a writing room.

That's makes sense.

Let's all post Snapchats to remind our other friends who are still just stand-up comedians.

We're living in Los Angeles now, making $3,000 a week and it'll never end.

Let's do that.

Yeah.

I actually have something to tell you guys.

I got fired.

Yeah.

Let's all just go on social media and complain about the differences between Uber and Lyft, which we can afford now as Los Fela's television writers.

I just got hired on the

Carmen's Esposito.

Please fuck my wife.

Please fuck my wife.

They need a specialist.

We're on spectrum as Carmen Esposito.

That's pretty good.

Detectives, this dumb bitch is releasing a new special.

And it's up to you to figure out who green lit this giant piece of shit.

I'm a lesbian.

No, it's an hour of rape jokes.

Did you see it?

No, I didn't.

Yeah.

She's taking rape jokes.

She's giving rape jokes back to the victims.

Oh.

Was she red?

Supposedly.

Damn.

That sucks.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Okay.

She's got a nice haircut.

I think, you know what?

And this would be a risk, but I think we should give Roseanne a cameo.

I think so, too.

The thing is, you have so many actors because of liberal Hollywood who have been blacklisted.

Kevin Sorbo is one of them.

Oh, you know what we should do?

Roseanne's one of them.

Kame Allen's another one of them.

I'm going to get my people out to John Millius to write the

speech.

He's right-wing, too.

The speech that Chris Benoit gives before killing his son with wrestling.

You've got to get Milius in the middle.

Milius will do that.

Yeah.

I've known him for years.

Yep.

We got to have David Mammet in the 500 men went into the water, Chief.

How about we just use John Millius' speech from Jaws?

I think that's fine.

And then we can credit him as the writer of the show.

Yes.

Well, option

from the mind that bought you Jaws.

You don't even have to do this.

Sorry for having...

Written by John Millius.

Sorry for having such a sinister speech from Jaws

before he kills his son.

You know how you tell that chief, you tell by looking from the tail to the dorsal thing.

They got black eyes, lifeless eyes, like a doll's eyes.

You know what?

You don't have to pay him if you just say the speech in real life.

Then you quote me.

You quote yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

That's good.

Let's do a video of me saying the speech.

You just need a video of you.

Yeah, by just by chance.

No, you just came up with it.

Because they have to prove that I've seen Jaws.

How would you have?

I haven't seen.

For the record.

I've never even heard of John John Millius.

I don't know who John Millius is.

I've never.

John Millhouse?

What are you talking about?

Mill House from the 60s.

Richard from the 60s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mill House from the 60s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I don't know.

Did I ever tell you, guys, the story of the USS Indianapolis?

No, I haven't heard of that.

Yeah.

No, what's the story?

You know, they were on a

mission to bring the atomic bomb to the Enola Gay.

And so it was a mission so secret that when the

Japanese torpedo boat hit Indianapolis, no distress signal went out.

Damn.

And so 500 men went into the water.

Oh, my God.

And it took two days before

the rescue boats showed up.

And that's crazy.

Tiger sharks showed up.

Whoa.

Whoa.

And they got lifeless eyes.

Like what?

Black.

Black eyes, like a doll's eyes.

What?

What?

And then when they sink those teeth into you and those black eyes roll back white,

and something about the screaming is horrific.

I don't know.

I'll have to go find a transcript from Jaws.

I mean,

from the story that you heard.

From the thing that I'm saying right now.

The story you heard.

Spontaneously.

Spontaneously.

The word-for-word thing I'm saying now.

Exactly.

By chance might exist elsewhere.

So that's how we can get it.

Well, you wrote it down in your diary.

I'm telling you, dude.

Maverick a Legal Department.

We're going to do our own legal on this project.

We're not hiring any lawyers.

The legal bad boy.

The legal eagle.

All right.

I have to go soon.

What do you have to do?

Twitch?

I have a phone call at five.

You have a phone call?

Yeah, and I'm assuming you want me to drop you off.

Yeah.

Was it

one of them 1-900 numbers?

Yeah.

You're on a party line at 5?

Ooh, my asshole is wide for being honest.

Call 1-800, wide-ass now.

I remember as as a little kid, I'd see those commercials.

It'd be like parties live.

Like, what are they?

Like,

I didn't know that it was six.

All right, that's the end of the episode.

Fuck off.

We're done.

Well, stay tuned next week for Act Two of the Chris Benoit show.

And every

week.

And Netflix original.

It's five weeks.

Every single week until they give us the show.

That would be a fun project.

We shouldn't sit down and not actually do that.

That would actually be pretty funny.

It would be fun.

All right.

So we got Funny Moms coming up June 11th.

Please come to the next step.

Thanks, everyone, who came last night.

Thanks for coming out last night.

That was a fucking banger of a show.

We will be.

Apologies to that guy with the messed up face whose voice I'm going to be in.

We will be at an autobar

12th.

What do you mean, don't say sorry to him?

Don't apologize for anything.

And the Cleveland, Boston.

Sometime in September.

And again, I'll be in Seattle on the

motherfucking, I don't know.

Fuck.

Damn, I went back too far.

On the fucking 28th and sometime in Portland, either the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd of July.

Anyways,

bye, guys.

Bye.

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