Ep. 101 – fuck shoutengine

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Well, it's sun's out, guns out, weather.

Are we starting?

Okay.

Yeah, we're starting.

I'm on a tight schedule.

I got to go to the bookstore and buy QuickBooks Online for

dummies.

No.

For dumbasses?

For fuckers.

For faggots.

For people.

QuickBooks Online for people with Down syndrome.

Like, that's actually just the term.

For retards.

Yeah.

For mental retards.

Excuse me, where are that book series, books for people with severe mental disabilities?

I'm looking for Shakespeare for people with fetal alcohol souls.

I'm looking for chicken soup for the retard soul.

That's just regular chicken soup.

Yeah, I think so.

Right?

Got them.

Yeah.

Fucking assholes.

I love soup.

Are they still making those books?

I don't give a fuck.

The dummies books?

Yeah, of course.

Not the dummies ones, the chicken soup ones.

Oh.

What is that?

Poetry?

It's like supposed to make you feel nice or something.

It's supposed to make

a quick books for guys with little ass dicks.

Oh, that's true.

They little ass fucking bitch ass motherfuckers.

That doesn't fit the theme.

Representation matters to forget their real pains in life.

Quick books for those guys.

I mean, you're eating yourself to death.

I don't think I'm the one with you.

Not for a week.

No.

I have a new lifestyle, man.

And look, I'm fat because my mom loved me even though I was fat.

And you work out because your mom hated you when you you were fat.

My parents hated me.

My mom correctly

mocked me to the right extent.

My parents were calling me fat this weekend.

Yeah.

They said, your face is fat now.

Yeah.

Were you like, you have cancer?

Of course you're thinner than me.

Slam.

You're cheating.

You're on chemotherapy.

Am I supposed to compete with that?

Yeah, he did.

And then everyone's like, damn.

And then Jeff Ross came out.

And his dad was like, yes, go off, King.

And

Go off, King.

Get her ass, King.

Good shot, sire.

My leash.

That's pretty funny, a cancer patient telling you you're fat.

It was more my dad, actually.

Yeah, who is cancer?

He has cancer, too.

He's got cancer of the heart.

The heart.

Cancer of the mind.

And the cock.

Yeah.

No, I'm excited to go to the bookstore and get a little tutorial book.

You ever pick one of those up?

You think you're going to teach yourself something?

Oh, I love it.

It's a new beginning.

I remember like thumbing through like a for dummies book?

Yeah, I remember thumbing through one for like Java, like 10 years ago.

I'm like, I'm an orange Abba.

Yeah.

And I didn't, and I left the library.

But it is fun to imagine yourself as a guy that learns things.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was too indignant because it always said for idiots or for

like, what?

Yeah.

I'm a smart motherfucker.

I'll fucking, I don't need to go.

You know what?

I'll figure gardening out myself.

Yeah, and then you did.

And I never do.

I would love to grow tomatoes.

How nice would that be?

You grow a little tomato, pick it out of your garden, eat that shit in a sack.

I love it.

It's very nice.

Wouldn't that be great?

Fresh produce straight from the...

I had a pear today.

You did.

I love pears.

Are you a pear guy?

I love them.

Well, it's a special colour.

I think a pear's got a very specific, a very specific texture.

I like a firm and cold apple.

No, boo firm.

I like salt.

I like fruit cold.

I'm with you.

I don't think that's a hot take.

Bro, I had a fucking orange.

Cold apple.

I had an orange that I popped in the damn freezer.

It was like a little popsicle, dude.

I'm also big on fucking frozen motherfucking grapes.

Yeah.

You ever fuck with those?

Those are definitely little popsicles.

That's what I did?

Have sex with men?

After I had sex with men, I took them.

Do you peel the grapes before you freeze them?

No, no, no.

Took an orange.

Damn, that's incredible, big dicker.

To sit there and peel every fucking grape.

Do you razor blade just to whip all that skin off?

Damn.

Yeah.

I would do that.

I would respect that a lot.

Make a little freezer treat.

Like, go bad in there because I appreciate my craftsmanship.

And I don't want to fuck with it.

Yeah.

I've been getting into the grapefruit trick.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but it's been Clementines for me.

Yeah.

That's good.

I was going to say, I hadn't, back when we were talking about the dummies thing, I had an idea I want to do like an off-Broadway play.

Yeah.

And it's called Of Men and Mice.

And it's a movie where, or it's a play where everyone is retarded.

Except for one guy.

Yeah.

Who's normal?

That must be how you feel all the time, right?

That's a genius.

Yeah, this is a guy who's actually neuroatypical.

So he's smarter.

So he's technically smarter than everyone else.

In the land of retards.

They're like, George, did you kill all those puppies?

And he's like,

yes, but I found a more efficient way to make the tractor run.

So now none of us have jobs.

Oh, wait, he sounds also retarded.

Well, he's autistic.

He's neuroatypical.

Yes, I deserve it.

Is that the new word for autistic?

It's not the new word.

It's neuroatypical.

No, it is the new word.

I saw him pitchfork.

Is that what it was called?

Adam goes to bitchfork.

What kind of bitch-ass foods to eat?

Yeah, he puts

Mojimubu cookbook.

It's a fork with, and it's just a fork going into Adam's ass.

That's the bitchfork.

That's cool.

That would hurt.

Yeah.

So we listened to Make America.

Innating it.

I'm so jealous.

Yeah.

You can listen to it at any time.

It's about the experience.

It really needs a deep read.

It needs to be.

I might write a review of the album.

I tried to get us to do that for the last one, remember?

But there's like legal problems.

We're probably stealing his content.

Yeah.

It's also,

I guess at this point, I've blown up Tom's spot enough that it's like, all right, it's too late now.

Might as well talk about him.

Can we do as bonus episodes a

track by by track?

Yeah.

Like, what we were doing was, like, you have to unpack every joke, so you got to pause it every conversation.

Every conversation.

Every single thing he says.

It opens up with, hello, Haver de Grace, which is incredible.

Nobody knows what that is.

That is a random city in Maryland.

Not city.

That is a random city.

It's a town with a population of probably like 7,000.

It's Bel Air.

Bel Air is their downtown.

Yeah, yeah.

Think of Bel Air, Maryland.

It's just a place.

The only thing I know about Haver de Grace is that that's the place where they bottle Pepsi products.

Nice.

That was a thing.

Okay, well, when I was a kid, that was like a piece of.

Because I remember being like, wow, that's all the Pepsi is bottled in Maryland, but it's probably done regionally anyway.

But I remember thinking that was like, like, cool.

There used to be a horrible place.

In some roundabout ways that made me famous because I lived in the same state as the place

where they bottle Pepsi.

And you couldn't even use that unless you were out of state, by the way.

Right.

I would go to like Pennsylvania.

Yeah, yeah.

By the way.

I'm from Maryland.

Pepsi ring a bell.

Get business.

By the way, where you lived was two and a half hours away.

Probably, yeah.

On the opposite side of the state.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways,

hello, Haver de Grace.

Yeah, hello, Haver de Grace.

And then Havertis Grace.

He uses that.

It goes into a bit about after Hello, Haver de Grace, about how he's old now.

He's 35.

He's not old.

That's not an old age.

And how he looks old.

Pees himself.

How he needs to

wait longer at the urinal because he pisses his pants.

He was trying to go into like a my body's getting worse bit, but it was just a

he was trying to say

because of age, but it's no, it's just because you have a horrible body.

You don't know how to defecate and urinate your pants.

You don't know how to just wag your dick

after pissing.

He's like, I got to wait for all the dribbles.

Four-year-old knows how to do.

Yeah, you've heard that.

Holy fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyways,

yeah, and then he says, you know, he's like, he shits himself.

That's also a problem.

Then he says, awesome.

Yeah, if you don't like that stuff, buckle up.

I love that.

As if he's on the, you're on the highway to the dangerous.

This is just a quick reminder.

Zero difference between that and a firefighter running in

or a 9-11 first responder.

It's the same exact thing.

It's his job.

Yeah, it is his job.

And he's doing his job.

And he's his own boss.

That's the good part about it.

Yeah.

And then, here, let me pull up the track listing now because there's,

I took mental notes with the

current events, I think, was one of them.

Oh, yeah.

And he couldn't even...

The references are also incredible.

Like,

his reference pool is 1993 to 2003.

Fuck yeah, dude.

And he can't.

Yeah, I I wonder what Tom Myers listens to.

Like, what do you think he just kicks back?

Kind of music?

Whatever music fucking Bill Hicks mentioned.

So it's like, you know, he probably listens to Hendrix

or, you know, like the, you know, the Rolling Stones, man.

Now there's a band.

What do you think he really enjoys, though?

Blind Melon.

All 90s stuff, probably.

That's really what I doubt it.

I think I'm right in the things that I think he puts that on.

What you're talking about is correct.

He definitely puts that on the bottom.

He's a classic Ross guy for sure.

But do you think he likes it?

Yeah, he probably is.

He's a bit called Life Hacks on the album, and there's not a single life hack.

It's about Christmas.

Oh, yeah,

that Christmas thread was insane.

Yeah.

Woo!

He was talking about how people fuck on the tree.

But I get, I do Las Vegas a lot.

He does

Las Vegas a lot, and they always send him out there.

Yeah.

And

he makes a point of mentioning his booking agent several times

throughout the album.

So he's

worked in.

Oh, my God.

He just doesn't have that.

No, Beyond does, but I'm sure it's like Irwin.

It's not a booking agent, man.

Beyond booking agent, he books himself, dude.

He books his own tour.

He talks a lot about his girlfriend.

Oh, really?

That is real.

He's never had a girlfriend.

And about his ex-girlfriend, who he's like.

Yeah.

Oh, Chick-fil-A.

Yeah, Chick-fil-A has got a new holiday they're starting.

It's called Cow Day.

Cow Appreciation Day

is my ex-girlfriend's birthday.

Yeah, sure.

So I celebrate on October 4th because that's my ex-girlfriend's birthday.

So, wait, you celebrate it even though it's Chick-fil-A?

Yeah, yeah.

No, the most insane bit on that, because there's moments in there where the joke structure makes sense, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so, it's not that the problem isn't that Tom doesn't know how to write jokes.

He knows how to write jokes.

The problem is that Tom can't discern which of his thoughts are jokes and which are the ones of his cognitive failure to process reality.

Yeah,

it is.

He's so severely schizophrenic

that he thinks things, and sometimes they're jokes, and he writes them down, and sometimes it's just absolute nonsense.

Oh, man.

And I think that's what he said.

There's a bit on the album where

he's talking about

Donald Trump's got a son, believe it or not.

And he's so young that,

you know,

I guarantee you, Donald was thinking at the moment of conception, oh, geez, I don't know if this is going to kill me.

Implication being that, you know, Donald Trump's so old that he might have a heart attack ejaculating inside of a woman, you know, to create a kid.

Not the regular fucking he's doing now 10 years later right that we're hearing about the news all the time anyways so uh then he goes into the bid more and he's saying he's like you know a lot of uh part of me doesn't even believe that melania uh and donald like donald fucks melania oh this was in fact

do you know uh uh those rings that they have that spies would wear that have poison inside of them i bet melania has one of those rings but it's just filled with donald trump sperm and at the the moment of conception, she popped it open and was like, gold.

Oh, man.

Because Tom thinks you eat cum to get pregnant.

But also.

But everything about that is what he's

saying.

Donald Trump's fucking her, and then his cum goes into the ring, so he can't cum in her, and then she eats the cum, but then she still had the kid anyway.

Yeah, how did she get the cum in the first place?

Also, the spy ring?

Yeah.

That's the thing that you're talking about.

It's like an idea that an eight-year-old comes up with.

Damn, dude.

and then he keeps going on in the baron thread he says that um barron's gonna be the first uh kid to jack off to internet porn on in the white house um but for legal reasons i should say that donald's probably gonna be getting impeached before then and it's like what laws what laws are you breaking like what is is dot is donald trump gonna sue you do you have to correct it by saying that he's probably gonna get impeached it it's no that you you misinterpreted the wording What he said was,

yeah, but I'm pretty sure Donald is going to get impeached by then for legal reasons, which means

he meant Donald Trump is going to be kicked out of office, not for fucking his own son.

Right, right.

Or allowing his son to jerk over.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, when he says for legal reasons, he meant that Donald Trump will be acting legally when he is impeached.

Oh, I thought.

Which is not how impeachment works.

It's a failure of him to.

He somehow found a way to say for legal reasons and mean the wrong thing.

I thought what he was saying was that his words are such weapons, so dangerous, that Donald Trump will hear Make America Innate Again and then file suit.

Yeah, against him.

I mean, just going back to the title of the album.

There's people that ask.

They're like, do you know what innate means?

And he'll post the definition and be like, Of course, I know what it means.

And it still doesn't make any sense.

It has nothing to do with the album.

So it's like he,

I mean, it doesn't make sense as a sentence.

Yeah, no, yeah, he rules.

Yeah.

He rocks, man.

Make America innate to what?

Again, brother.

Yeah.

Come on, keep up.

Like it used to be.

It's amazing.

But yeah, and then obviously the weirdest part was that by track six, he started using an Irish accent.

Yeah, and halfway through the politics track.

Incredible.

He also, another thing I do love about the Donald Trump stuff, as soon as he brings up Trump, he's like, Donald Trump is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Kind of makes me think about how George W.

Bush.

He has to go back to 2003.

No matter what.

At one point, he just describes people having sex, and he's like, makes you wonder if they just,

you know, were like Philip Seymour Hoffman and whoever the bitch was.

Blah, blah, blah.

Before the devil knows you're dead.

Before the devil knows you're dead.

That's the movie he picks.

Yeah, and he's describing what is just a, like, probably could not be any more of like just generic.

Yes, just a regular sex.

It's just two people fucking.

Yeah.

And it could not be any more plainly that.

Yeah.

You could pick any sex scene from any movie ever, and he uses specifically that sex scene from Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.

From 2004?

Just like a minor Philip Seymour Hoffman movie

that I only know about because I worked a blockbuster at the time.

That's the only reason.

It's not a bad movie.

Yeah, it's not bad.

But it's bizarre that he would choose that.

Yeah.

Man, Tommy.

I wish I was there for that one.

Yeah, and then it starts at a certain point, like halfway through that politics video.

He's like, and then Martin O'Malley ran.

And then, you know, we wondered why he was running.

And he didn't do anything for the Democratic Party.

And he just has like this Irish inflection.

Probably because he said O'Malley because

it happens before that.

Before O'Malley.

And then it just eventually morphed into this, like, I mean, it's just a full-blown Irish accent that just slowly happens.

It's almost like it makes no sense.

He's probably confused, too.

He's got, he's schizophrenic.

The interaction with the crowd is also amazing because they're giving him laughs at the beginning, you know, because, and then, like, they're listening to an hour of Tom Myers.

So, like, halfway through, you can tell that they've just been like, oh, fuck this.

Yeah, yeah.

He says one thing one time, and a guy goes, hey, yo, and that gets put on the album.

album.

That doesn't get edited out.

At one point, he says something about,

he's like, yeah, it almost makes me want to fuck her, like describing some woman, and some guy goes, really?

Woo!

Yeah.

God damn.

I think it was.

A really enjoyable lesson.

Yeah, I'm fascinated.

I'm definitely going to give it a fucking whirl myself.

And fun.

Yeah.

It's better than most comedy specials.

Just like,

it doesn't mean it's better.

Go out, guys.

Go out and buy Make America I Need Again.

Buy the CD.

Yeah.

Yeah, my CD is out.

It's on Apple Music for free.

All of his shit is.

Yeah, he's on Spotify.

Well, he'll get paid like one cent, right?

Yeah, now I'm looking at his other album, Pitchforks, Torches, and Other Random Thoughts.

That's the one we were at.

Right.

Oh, is it?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

I guess,

yeah, he's a bit that just says called

Maryland.

The speed camera citation capital, the United States.

Gotta love that, right?

See, I don't mind speed cameras because if a regular cop pulls you over, he writes you a ticket, the ticket's like, what, $125 up to $200 now for a ticket?

I love it.

You go ahead and you get the speed camera citations in the mail.

What's the fine?

$40.

I love it, man.

Getting one of those speed camera citations in the mail is

like getting pulled over by Sam's Club.

I love it.

Good.

you nailed the point of the joke.

In case you didn't get it,

in case you didn't get that, he went ahead and nailed the point.

I was like, Edmunds, it's a discount.

Oh.

I think my favorite part about that Tom Iron show is being there at the recording was Tom's fans because he does have fans.

Really?

No.

But there's people that come to see specifically Tom.

There was some big fat guy there who was just wide.

He had long hair and he was just the widest.

Oh, yeah.

He was sitting right up front.

Yeah, he was wearing like a witch's hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He wasn't like, I mean, he was fat, but he was just so wide.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was hard to explain.

His shoulders were probably like four and a half feet long

on either side.

He was a very large man.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck, dude, I love.

That night seriously, it was one of the best nights of my life, dude.

Yeah.

Eldis, my little brother, we all filed in.

We listen to it sometimes.

You can hear us.

Like, you can hear.

I feel like I heggled him a nice amount.

I want to hear the

bit where he says his parents have a grave.

The grave, that's wild shit, man.

I want to go ahead and thank you guys for coming out on a Tuesday night.

It's free, but you know,

to go ahead and

attend this

CD recording.

So I'm greatly appreciative of that.

Uh I'm also doing this for uh

for uh my parents.

They're a big part of my life.

They couldn't uh they couldn't be here tonight'cause, you know, they're old and they get tired easily.

So uh

no no no no no no no.

So best thing I do is I carry a uh

I carry a smartphone around now, which is great.

It's got uh their picture on them.

So I actually I finally got this I finally caved and uh got a smartphone.

So I'm being I've been dragged kicking and screaming into the year 2007.

So

okay, some people are going to have, but you know, go ahead and we'll

love this because

it's got the GPS on it, but the GPS, it's for some reason, like this is supposed to be one of the most technologically advanced things.

Like, we have the internet on our phones now.

We can connect to any single bit of information we want.

We can go ahead and watch entire television shows on our phone, like as they're even as they're being aired on regular television.

Live.

Can we come up with a GPS that doesn't sound like an eight-year-old reading something?

You head 95 south and turn onto exit 77

to

Route 24

in one mile,

aka Wright onto

Bus US1.

This just goes on like that for 45 minutes.

No, which is, it is fascinating because on the new CD, Make America Innate again,

he has a GPS voice bit that he brought back.

And he said that.

I mean, all of his...

I mean, I've known Tom 13 years.

Yeah, it's been an insanely long time.

And every one of his albums.

Maryland Drivers.

The same exact thing.

It's always

something about commuting in the DC, Maryland, Virginia area.

Like this big thing used to be like, they got these signs that say speed monitored by aircraft.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I remember that bit.

That just makes me imagine I'll be driving down the street and then suddenly an F-14 will swoop down and it's like,

I mean, okay.

Yeah, that was a big one.

Who did he want to have as the GPS voice in the last?

He said, I saw an article that said Morgan Freeman is going to be the voice of the GPS.

The voice of the GPS.

No one has GPS anymore, Tom.

I heard that Morgan Freeman's going to be sponsoring a beeper company.

Yeah, geez, I wonder how that'll work.

Hey, everybody, it's me, Morgan Freeman.

Who wants a beeper?

Wait, what was the voice he wanted, though?

He wanted Samuel Jackson to be the voice.

Oh, yes, that's right.

He's like, I'm tired of these motherfucking cars on this motherfucking road.

Yes!

Bucus, the king, brother.

Squish.

Tom, listen to me.

$10,000 cash.

Can you come on the content?

Please.

We'll give you our entire month's paycheck.

No, it's like a crazy.

You can have all the.

That is $10,000.

That's what, that's what.

No, but whatever.

As a group, $10,000.

Look,

listen, Tom, whatever it's going to take, we got to get on here.

Yeah, I guess he turned down Legion of Skanks.

Did he?

He was going to do.

Him and Lewis are beefing.

Yeah, him and Lewis are beefing, which is such a funny

line.

Flash of the Titans.

Two intellectual giants.

Yeah, yeah.

That's like Chomsky and what's his name?

It's the Buckley, the other gay guy debate.

Or Vidal.

Or Vidal, yeah.

Yeah.

When he called him a crypto-Nazi, and he said he called him a gay or something.

A queer, goddamn queer,

yeah, yeah, right.

A sake and your cocksaka.

These are all references that Tom will make on his

firing line episodes from 1967.

He had another really good 90s reference, which was something about his cat's hair.

He's like, Yeah, it looks like Jenny McCarthy's underwear.

Awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah, from Singled Out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I, you know, I like a girl, like a real Raquel Welsh type girl.

You know, that's the thing I'm into.

She's a real Tara Lepinski.

Tara Lipinski.

You know what I mean?

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, this girl walks in.

She looks just like Alicia Silverstar.

Tommy.

I love that motherfucker, dude.

Damn, so he was going to do Legion of Skanks.

He's going to do Legion of Skanks.

Skank Fest, right?

He's like, Lewis was like, dude, we can have you on the week after our Skanks Fest.

And then Tom's like, yeah, I might be able to make it up there

pending acceptance, like wink wink.

So he will only do Legion of Skanks if he gets booked for Skank Fest.

Well, they should book him.

I know.

That's what I said.

Why not?

Well, Lewis was like, it's not just me, dude.

I got partners.

Incredible.

Louis, shut the fuck up.

Bostilism, coffee.

Also, like,

book a, a, it would be incredible.

Yeah.

You need to book Tom.

How the fuck?

Like, I can't believe Tom doesn't realize he's basically getting tricked.

In the world of irony, like, this is Tom's moment.

Oh, yeah.

Tom could be making so much fucking money.

I know.

Tom could be a celebrity if he wanted to.

I know.

It is great, like, anti-book.

Thomas has diarrhea.

Thomas, I merged that.

Thomas Jay Gomez.

Thomas Jay Gomez.

So Lewis has too much fucking like

pride in him.

He's got to protect Skank Fest.

The integrity of Skank Fest.

I guess he's just got like a limited number of spots or whatever.

Give him our spot.

Give him our spot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd be down for that.

We could cancel comments.

Give him Arthur $300.

Let him do an hour.

That's come down live.

It's us watching Tom do an hour.

Holy fuck.

Yeah.

I still didn't hear that bit on there where he says his parents have.

Because I remember that half of the show.

I remember the show.

I was like, did I imagine that?

He told a bizarre bit about he probably edited it out.

I don't think he did.

Because I remember what it being is that, like, he's like, yeah, I thought my parents were going to get me a GPS for Christmas.

He still was the GPS.

And instead, maybe he goes into that afterwards.

Yeah, well, he's like, instead, they got me a plot right next to their graves.

And it was the most, like, the

energy in the world.

The only way that could be worse is if his plot was in between theirs.

Yeah.

You know, like how they sleep at night.

Fuck, what was I going to say?

Yeah.

That was a fucking bizarre.

That was a bizarre bit when he just fucking.

It was like so.

It was the most powerful thing he'd ever said in his life.

And he got the most genuine, incredible reaction from the crowd.

And it was just like, there's no way he ended it out.

Yeah, I thought I had it.

He left.

No, no, you definitely did not.

He left when I dropped a glass into the recording.

Do you remember that?

He just, that's that's in there.

I just remember Mike Turpin stamping his feet right after every bit.

I thought that was gonna just fuck everything up.

I remember thinking that was like kind of too far.

Yeah.

In point five miles,

make a left onto south Main Street.

And that's how you get the Sean Bolins, the N.

Like

That's my brother for sure.

I mentioned my parents earlier.

Yes, here we go.

They've seen me perform a lot of times.

They always enjoyed themselves.

They're not stage parents.

The most recent one, he's like, yeah, my parents don't really like to talk about my comedy or listen to me talk about it.

They didn't really come out to see shows.

So I I guess they had some kind of talk where they were like, Tom, you're 35 years old.

Please just at least try to be the manager of the 7-Eleven.

No, it's a single-stop.

Stop taking orders

from a 23-year-old Bangladeshi guy.

It's time to give up your comedy dreams.

Ron Bender doesn't have legs anymore.

This is booking age.

The next one is an iron long.

Ron is the return of Ron Bender.

And

so, you know, I I'll sit down with them at dinner and we'll go ahead and talk and you know, I'll I'll go ahead and say to my parents, you know, listen, I love when you support me, I love when you come out.

You don't have to think I'm the funniest person in the world.

And also, it's like, he's, unless it's clear, he lives with his parents.

I mean,

that couldn't be more obvious.

When we sit down at dinner together, you still have family dinners.

I mean,

it's a tragedy.

It's a fucking trash.

It's so sad.

You know, they both just looked at me and went, We don't.

So sad.

Thanks, mom and dad.

It was both of them.

Both of them said that.

Jesus Christ.

But

like I said, I just turned 30, and my parents decided to go ahead and take me out to

go ahead and take me out to dinner.

It was after the dinner, my father decided to show me this gift he had gotten for me.

He was like, This is, you're going to thank me.

This will be a long, this will be a long, this will be a good investment for me, and you'll really appreciate this.

So I'm like, okay, well, you know, we've all got to get in the car and go see it.

So, okay, we're all in the car.

We're driving, driving.

I noticed we're driving a while.

We go ahead and we pull into a cemetery.

Like, I remember going to this cemetery before.

We went ahead and pulled up to this little plot,

and we all got out.

I'm just sort of looking around.

Where are we we going?

And

my dad stops and says, all right, here you go.

I'm looking around.

It's a little bit dark.

I don't see anything.

Like, what?

So he gets out a flashlight and shines it.

And I suddenly remember where I was.

Like, this is,

I've been to the cemetery plot many times before.

It's like, my dad's grandparents are there.

My dad's parents are there.

He's got his,

he's going to be buried there.

He's got a tombstone set up.

It's got his his name on it.

It's got his name, his stuff on it.

And right in front of that,

a tombstone.

My name,

my date of birth, and that nice, big,

empty space

for you know what.

Um,

Dad?

I asked for a GPS

that sounded like an adult you know

I mean Jesus fucking Christ dude

honestly though when he said that nice blank space that was like that powerful dude that was like that was heavy yeah that that had some that had some legs

he thought the punchline strong enough to counter all that

But he didn't ask for a GPS.

He just thought one that doesn't have a kid's voice would be a great callback to his killer GPS.

Bro, I remember feeling fucked up after listening to that.

Well, I was trash, so I was like, oh, I probably made that up.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't think it was real.

It was real.

Yeah, it was like a vision.

Yeah.

God damn.

What if Tom's trying to tell us that he's a ghost and that he's dead?

Yeah, that's not what Tom's trying to tell us.

No.

I think it would be great if his dad just, like, son, I got you a present and just killed him and buried him in the cemetery.

It's finally over, son.

Yeah, yeah.

Open your mouth and just put some gun in his throat.

His dad?

I wonder what his parents are like, you know, because based on his descriptions, they're obviously like

upset.

Yeah, they're just fucking normal parents who have a fucked up child, like a dumbass kid who like didn't do what they wanted at all.

Because people are usually like their parents.

I mean, I can't imagine that his dad's not like a fucking train enthusiast or some bullshit.

I mean, yeah, his parents are probably dorks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With a dork kid.

Right.

And, you know, they love him.

They do love him.

Of course they.

I mean, I get it.

They let him stay at the house.

They haven't kicked him out.

Right.

Yeah.

They got him a plot next to them.

They got him a good one.

They actually do love him.

They probably love him too much.

They adore him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's sweet.

It is like, it's sort of like, do you remember in like when you learned about that myth of the guy with the boulder?

Sisyphus?

Yeah, Sisyphus.

It's like that's who Tom is.

Every joke is just he's trying to get to the top.

No, man, he's just

falls back.

Sisyphus was constantly getting rolled over downhill in eternity.

There's no going back up.

He's constantly getting crushed by the boulder.

The point is to get to the top of the hill, and then he

never gets to the top of the hill.

He's on the top of the hill.

Right, exactly.

Like if Sisyphus was like, I'm going to be a professional rock pusher up a hill guy.

And then he didn't even find a rock.

It was just a giant turd filled with references from the 1990s and ice creams with 7-Eleven.

And then

at one time in the mid-2000s, the turd nudges him into the studios of 98 Rock.

And then that's the end of the story.

That's the peak for him.

God damn.

And then he goes back down the hill.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Anyways, it's break time.

Jesus, you know what break time means.

It's time to talk about underwear, folks.

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I don't know.

Blue?

Yeah, yeah, nice.

Sure, yeah.

I feel like they're bikinis

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It's like, yeah, it's a good balance in between, like, you know, because you know, you get like pee stains in your underwear

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Of Of course.

Because

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Yeah, so the blue covers that up real nice.

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We're also

gambling men these days.

Hell yeah, dude.

Folks,

bitch.

There's a lot of shit to talk about.

All I've been doing is watching basketball.

There's a lot of stuff to talk about before we mention that part of what you've been doing lately.

Bet Bet DSI is the website specifically.

Yes, we should say the website.

The place I'm gambling.

Wait until I say the name of the place

before you go into your sports picks.

Me and Saw.

You'll say the fucking picks, and then we'll just

say your picks.

I'll say, you know how is my pick, you for being off the show in the next month.

Why?

Over-under Adams on the next show, 0.5.

Bet the under, folks.

Yeah.

How do you under that?

Bet DSI has been busy for over 20 years, paying winners.

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Go ahead with your playoffs.

Baby, take the fucking.

Look, game three, take the Pelicans at home.

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One a line.

I don't know what the line is, but they take you a line on there.

They take it.

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Take the Pelicans.

I take the Pelias.

They put the Smoothie Kings Center.

At the Smoothie Kings Center, baby.

Yeah.

Best name for a stadium in America.

And then, fuck, who else?

The Cavs.

I think the Cavs are going to win.

Game two.

Raptors.

I game two.

They're going to win.

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What's the

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Oh, Kentucky Derby.

Ooh, Kentucky Derby.

I would put it all on

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Wasn't there a horse named Dawn Staley?

Yeah, she's got a blog.

Shouldn't you be wearing gloves, Doctor?

That's a good one.

Yeah, shouldn't you be wearing her be gloves, doctor?

Cosby's Secret.

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Beautiful horse.

Those are our pics for the Kentucky therapy.

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Yeah.

It's a strong horse.

It's a very strong horse.

It's just as strong as horse and knows which way to run.

Usually half the time leaves the game backwards.

And it also gets dragged.

Instead of a carrot, they use a little sour pet that chases around.

Also, it's

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If the bet is

then shut up, and we're back.

I'm just saying, if the bet is...

Shut up.

If the bet is.

And we're back.

And shut the fuck up.

No, no, no, we're back.

It has nothing to do with it.

And we're back.

We're back.

We're back.

I'm just saying this.

Tom Meyers.

Where are we playing?

We're playing a comedian.

Yeah, dude.

That's if we're taking a break.

Smartass thing will kick in.

In point one miles.

Fall six feet.

You have reached your destination.

Give it up.

Was that it?

Was that the end?

Yeah.

That's how he ended the.

What is that?

Kansas?

No, this is a different Tom Myers that has music.

He has dust in the wind playing.

Amelia?

It's a different Tom Myers thank you.

Oh, yeah.

But I do Las Vegas a lot, and they always, people often ask me where I get my sense of humor.

I have a lot of.

So I grew up in Harford County.

It's a, you know a lot of uh audiences whenever they come out of comedy shows they're always worried about comedians and entertainers going up and Trump bashing which is why you know I'm gonna try and uh say something positive but uh a lot of people ask me how I got started doing comedy uh

but uh before

but uh a lot

but uh

but uh

Maryland though

but uh we're

but uh before I got into

I am happy to be back in Maryland though Maryland's my home state This is my hometown.

Really glad to be back in Maryland though.

Happy to be back.

I am happy to be back in Maryland.

This isn't a soundboard.

This is just how all his tracks are.

Every single track is going to be a story.

Maryland, but uh

anyway, yeah, I do want to hear interesting job because I think that's about 7-Eleven.

All right, let's do what you're doing.

But uh, a lot of people asked me how I got started doing comedy

or

what I did before I got into comedy.

Uh I actually had an opportunity to go do something where I had the potential anyway to go do something where I could make a lot more money than what I'm doing right now.

Held a lot of

yeah, that's to be a famous movie star.

That was his other job choice.

If comedy didn't work out, he was going to do famous movie star or international playboy spy.

Yacht guy.

These were other careers he considered that he could have easily achieved.

What was the Adam?

What was the thing you said about Ellen Generes?

Oh, oh, dude, that was the best part.

He's like, that's the best part.

Yeah, I got to to get my hair cut

because, but I don't want to get it cut too short, though, because people are going to start thinking I look like Ellen DeGeneres.

Yeah, he is a bald man.

He's bald.

You have a Chairman Mao haircut.

He

starts at the back of your earlobe.

He does not look anything

like Ellen DeGeneres.

He's got those beautiful, twinkly blue eyes and that cute pixie cut.

Yeah.

Yeah, that I think might be my favorite joke.

That's the one we left.

And I guess he's sort of she's trying to mock Ellen.

Is she the butt of that joke?

No, it's because everybody does that joke about I got my hair cut a little bit.

I look like a lesbian, yeah.

Yeah, which works if you have like boyish features.

Yeah, I have like a I get lesbian haircuts all the time.

Yeah, I got a very KD Lang sort of look to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You shave your pussy, too.

No, does Katie Lang shave her pussy, you fucking idiot?

Katie Lang's got a bus.

If I had one, I wouldn't.

Yeah, you do.

I wouldn't.

Your pussy is the

space in between your balls.

First of all, I could tie my dick around your dick, motherfucker.

Tie that shit in a little hook.

What the fuck?

I'm going to tie my dick.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm going to tie it around your dick and cut off the circulation.

I'm going to tie a big, fat, bow-line knot around your cock of my cock

and choke your little shit.

Do not do that.

Do not fucking do that.

You guys did

not eating a small screen.

Like a fucking animal.

Bora Boris.

Yeah, eating a pig.

Yes, that's right.

My dick is a a pig.

Well, mine's got the little boinky pig shit.

You scale it down, the regular dick sizes.

The pig's terrible.

The pig is not the one you want.

Pig's big.

Imagine a little pig's pig.

It's a really big pig.

One of those big boys.

I went to a teacup farm.

It's got little Oshkosh.

I went to a teacup pig.

No, it is not.

It is not a teacup pig.

It is a very big pig.

A big pig.

It's a very big pig.

I went to a pig farm once.

It's a hog.

Yes, it is.

I went to a pig farm once, and they were really big.

And that's the size of my fig.

Is a hog a boy pig?

I don't know.

All right.

What's a woman pig then?

A siblet?

A sow.

Yeah.

Damn.

Y'all don't know animals.

I didn't spend time on the farm like you, dude.

Y'all ain't done knowing animals.

I'm done knowing all the animals.

You ever see fucking, you go to like Ag Fair and see how fucking big pigs are in real life?

That's what I'm talking about.

That's the size of my dick.

And they're hairier than you think.

Yeah, they're way hairier.

Yeah, they look like four s hair.

Yeah.

Like my dick.

That video of that news reporter holding that chicken that starts flapping its wings.

And he's like,

oh my God.

That's Adam's dad.

It's not my dad.

If you want to know what he looks like, that's him.

I am happy to be back in Maryland, though, Maryland.

Yeah.

Maryland.

I am happy to be back in Maryland, though, Maryland.

From where?

Where were you, Tom?

From Vegas, dude.

He told you.

Oh, right.

They fly him out to Vegas all the time.

Yeah.

You know, they.

They do.

The casino boss.

Tom, just come do the show, baby.

Tom.

Please, please do the.

I got to start listening to the Politipod.

He has a podcast?

Yeah, yeah.

The Politipod.

What?

Yeah.

He has a podcast.

I haven't listened to it yet.

What the fuck are we doing?

I know.

Why do we need to do?

Fuck.

We just do that and finish it.

He posted a poll on Twitter yesterday.

He's like, yeah, who did a better job eviscerating Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Michelle Wolf at the White House Correspondence Dinner?

Or me, Tom Myers, on my CD?

Me?

A poll saying who did a better job?

He does.

Or me.

He does have a Sarah Huckabee Sanders chunk, that is.

Yeah, and then

somebody responded, like,

well, that's not a fair comparison because Michelle Wolfe is a comedian.

And

the guy's avatar is just an upclose picture of his eye.

And Tom responds, yeah, nice avatar.

I just ran into your twin, and he posts the CBS logo, which is like an eye.

It's also an eye.

Yeah, it's also an eye.

It's a burn.

That's it.

That's it.

Damn!

Yeah.

Another thing I love that he does is.

It reminds me of that.

I don't know if you've seen that vine, but that nerd in the computer room.

Oh, yeah.

I don't love that.

And he turns around.

He's like, you know what?

I'm going to say it.

And they're like, say it.

Just say it.

And he goes, I don't care that you broke your elbow.

Oh,

no.

Fuck.

That's a great one.

Poor kid.

I don't care that you broke your elbow.

You know what else Tom does that I think is great?

He calls people Gomer.

Which is like, I don't even know what that is.

It's like a Gomer Pile.

Lewis J.

Gomo.

Gomer.

Gomer.

Yeah, dude.

He fucking, he's like, he's going at it with Lewis.

He retweeted where Lewis was like the illustrator for our festival.

You had to drop out last minute, and Tom, like, gleefully retweeted it.

That's hilarious.

Think of a retweet.

Oh,

damn, he shouldn't fucking book him anyway.

Yeah.

Lewis, please do it.

Anyway.

Tom Myers.

Tom Myers.

And your musical guest.

Tom Myers.

From that.

That girl with the saw in that video

playing

the saw.

That's such a weird.

Anyway.

That's the greatest video of all time.

I just can't stop looking at his hairline.

Yeah.

It looks like a love seat.

He's gotten so much.

It's like a big restaurant booth.

I love the artwork, too.

He makes the word America in red, white, and blue.

Oh, yeah, he uses like

clip art.

PowerPoint.

Yeah.

No, I think it's probably from Word.

It's from Word.

It's like that shit that...

Yeah, where you can do a gradient.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, I used to think that shit was awesome.

Yeah, me too.

First time we'd do bubble letters.

For reports and stuff?

Fuck yeah, dude.

I used to go off.

My title pages used to look beautiful, dude.

I used to take pride in my cover pages.

You know what I mean?

What's the thing in school you were the most proud of doing ever, Nick?

Do you have one assignment you're like, you know what?

I did it.

No.

Never.

You never won?

No.

Was there ever a teacher that ever connected to you?

I got along with teachers, I think, for the most part.

Yeah.

Because, like, I mean, they knew I wasn't stupid.

Right, right, right.

I wasn't going to do any work.

They probably were like amused by you because they knew who you were.

Teachers know a funny kid that doesn't give a fuck.

Like, a smart kid is just not going to do shit.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't really ever cause too much trouble.

Right.

You probably understood how to stay under the radar.

Under the gaydar.

By sucking off a man under his under the gator.

Under the gator.

Having gay sex.

You can have sex

on the DL.

What do you mean, you got

sex?

That gay lobster.

On the DL.

You can do whatever be a batty boy.

On the DL.

Do not tell anybody in your family.

They will cut off your dick on the fire.

Flounder, have you seen Sebastian?

Oh, no.

Claw marks all over Flounder's dick.

No, I haven't.

That seagull is like holding a fucking giant double-sided dildo.

He's like, this is a comb for your hair.

Where did you get that?

I I don't know.

That queer lobster gave it to me.

Look at this stuff.

She's got a collection of dildos.

On the DL.

On the DL.

You can do whatever you want.

You can eat us.

You can suck dick.

I'm a gay guy.

Suck my dick.

Yeah, that's a fun bit.

What were you about to say, Adam, about school or some shit?

I don't remember.

We cut you off with under the DL no it was better than whatever

no go ahead say something I'll find a way to suck some life out of it whatever boring thing you have to say I said I say interesting things all the time yeah go ahead we're not going to I'm feeling deja vu I feel like we've had this exact debate before me asking you to suck no no to suck a dick

he says interesting things all the time oh oh yeah I do all the time

name one interesting thing you repeat you're constantly telling me that's interesting you repeat

Yes, you do.

That's one of the things you say most to me.

Actually, when I say that's interesting, what it means is I didn't listen to a word of what you said, and I don't know how to respond.

Well, if he's saying that to you all the time, it means that's not my fault that you're bad at that.

Well, so we're going to take a minute to talk about ChexMix

and the money that the ChexMix Corporation is raising for children with breast cancer.

That's those

juicy titty babies.

A lot of people don't know this, but some babies are born with huge, sweet, double D-titties.

Well, that may be good, even because it hurts the mom's pussy more.

And they can breastfeed themselves.

The problem is, is some of those big, sweet cans

all tumored up.

That's why you got to do breast checks with the little kids.

That's where Chex Mix comes in, folks.

Checks came with, used to come with

Chex Quest.

It was a Doom clone

that came in CD-ROM.

Really?

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did it play metal in the background?

No, it wasn't like Doom.

Oh, that'd be rule.

Yeah, Doom had a sweet soundtrack.

Yeah, it was all like

royalty-free.

When I worked at Moshe's show, we had to pull music from the Viacom royalty-free music library.

And you could just put in any song and it would spit out like a

bullshit, fake a fake version of it that sort of sounds

like it, but it's different enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's awesome.

We should get that.

We should.

The CBS or Viacom music library.

Stop trying to put me on fire.

I'm going to fucking light your ass up, dude.

You a fucking pyro, dog.

I love lighter.

You a fucking pyro?

Doing fucking lighter tricks and shit.

I was never a pyro.

Yeah.

I wasn't either.

You definitely were.

No, I wasn't.

You weren't?

No, not at all.

You broke stuff, though.

Yeah.

I mean, everybody breaks stuff.

Everyone breaks shit.

Throwing a glass, throwing a beer bottle up against a wall hard.

That shit fucking rules.

That shit's awesome.

I would do that right now.

Yeah, I love breaking shit.

Fuck.

Can I break some stuff in your side of it?

What do you want to break?

I don't know.

I did love that.

When I was

in sixth grade, you'd take cardboard boxes or whatever, you throw them up, and then you cut them in half with the kitchen knives.

Yeah, it was cool.

That was always cool.

I want a sharp ass.

Stabbing the fruit in the house.

My mom was like, what the fuck happened to the bananas?

Were you a cutco guy?

Cutco?

Did you know people that were cutco's?

Yeah.

Yeah, a bunch of people were sean cutco.

Yeah, yeah.

That was a hustle.

I know.

I knew a couple of quick star guys, too.

What's that?

A friend, Antron, is like describing it to me one time.

He's a black robot.

Yeah, well, he's like, Antron.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like, yeah.

He's like, basically, I'm an independent business owner.

Which is what that fucking thing is.

Yeah, Cutco kids use the same thing.

Well, that's what they call it.

An independent business owner with Quickstars.

Quickstar is Amway.

It's the same thing.

So what they do is you set up like an independent business.

And it used to be that online retail was banned because it breaks the pyramid scheme.

But then you have a company and you have to get people to buy shit out of this fucking catalog.

And you like hold inventory of

their shitty products.

And you have to like buy their shitty products.

That sucks.

Yeah, it's stupid.

Honestly, that shit is so fucking depressing.

Like, anytime I was like really desperate for work, and I would go on Craigslist and I would find like sales positions and I would go to the interview and it was always like a scam.

multi-level marketing.

And the people that were there like taking notes, it's like, oh, fuck.

Oh, when you see the person, it's like,

can I go back?

Oh, so the extra class is $300 for tutoring?

Can I just go back and cash in my mother's life insurance policy?

I'm just really excited to work on a team.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to get the feelings in my mouth taken out and melted down into gold.

I went to this one interview one time.

You get there and it's all people dressed like they're going to traffic court.

And it's like, I was also a loser.

so but you know, it was like the worst position to be in is being like a fucking loser and like still feeling entitled to not being a loser, right?

Right, right.

I feel like I'm better than this, but I'm not.

Yeah, you're not, but you should be.

You have the, you have, you understand that you have the capability, you're smart enough to yeah, yeah, but you're not, which makes you worse, actually, right?

Like, it makes it sadder.

It makes you sadder for sure.

And uh, those losers are happy, yeah.

And, like, you know, the guy brings me into his office, and he's like, just got this map.

And it's a fake office.

I mean, they couldn't have been renting this space more than like a month or whatever.

This is just some shitty office space.

And there's like, you know,

just on the wall, like a map with all these pins all over it.

He's like, just let you know these are all of our locations.

And it's like, locations of what?

I still don't know.

He's like, we're a multi-level marketing company.

And it's like, okay, but what is the actual work?

And I kept asking him, and he would never tell me what the job was.

He was like, well, the job doesn't start at first.

We send you out with one of our pros, right?

So you can get a sense of how one of those guys works.

And it's like, send me out doing what?

Right, right, right.

You know, and he was like learning from him, getting experience.

It's like, doing what?

And it wouldn't answer.

And then eventually, like, I'd fucking like getting blood from a stone.

It's trying to sell coupon books door to door.

And it's like, man.

God damn.

Do you remember in school when they make you go out and sell magazines?

Where'd that money go?

What was that all about?

Yeah, it went to Israel.

Yeah, you were raising money for Israel.

I was in public school, though.

Before you were IDF.

I never had to.

Yeah, but that's how they get you, man.

You were the bottom of

your job as a service to the IDF.

You were the fluffer.

The cowards, the professional cowards.

Which professional cowards?

Like, I'm too scared to get too.

I only have nine guns, and that child has pebble.

I need my penis sucked by Adam before we go to war.

Shoot mortar.

Before we go into the fierce battle.

The battle of the Gaza Daycare Center.

It's a fucking steel reinforced bulletproof bulldozer with a 40 millimeter cannon sticking out of the front

versus a kid with a Tonka truck.

You know, nine turkeys.

Hey, and some journalists.

Yeah,

it's a tragedy.

It's a tragedy.

It's a tragedy that I'm.

Chocolate bars, too.

Remember Remember that?

Chocolate bars.

That was the real hustle.

Yeah, where'd that money?

You know, you go to the school.

You read that book, The Chocolate Wars?

No.

No.

No.

It's like a young adult novel.

Sounds interesting, though.

Yeah.

I'm listening.

Yeah, see?

Now who says interesting shit?

I remember reading it as like a tween or whatever.

A twink.

Yeah, a twink.

That's like a sexy 11-year-old.

You're a child, you're a twink, and then you're a twink.

Yeah, there's just like one part where it's like

somebody's calling this guy's house and the phone just keeps ringing.

And I remember thinking, like, why didn't the answering machine pick up?

But it was before answering machines.

It was when it was written.

And now it's like, no one has a house phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, if you're, if anybody calls me, it's like, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah.

I'll say I like a call.

I'm a nice person.

I like to call.

I do not.

I prefer text.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, because you can just.

It takes longer to communicate.

Listen, I talk for a living.

I get enough of it out of this fucking podcast.

I go back into complete silence.

Life of silence.

You're like a monk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love talking.

Talking on the phone is more efficient.

You love doing a lot of things with your mouth.

Sucking put, tick, tids.

Cock.

What?

Yeah.

Pussy.

Really?

I like that.

You tried to do that bit the opposite way.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

Sucking fucking.

You're like, sucking put, I mean, dick.

So you did for real and then you were pretending to do?

I double fucked it up.

Fucking dance, I mean, dick.

Fucking girls, I mean, guys.

Guys, I mean, guys, I'm gay.

Damn.

You know what I hope I find on my way, my journeys throughout Brooklyn now that it's beautiful spring.

What's that, Nicholas?

A little chain-link fence with some honeysuckles on it.

Oh, I'll go full retard on that fence.

Smell it, just have a nice, no, you eat the honey, you fucking idiot.

Oh, I'm not exactly sure what a honeysuckle is you know little white flowers they're little white flowers but you pinch the bottom you pull the stem out and it suck pulls all the nectar out of the flower you get a little bitch yeah you get a little taste of honey oh

i love that you didn't know that no it was like my favorite thing to do as a kid little kid yeah you never had a honeysuckle in my life they used to grow on fences and shit fuck yeah dude yeah i'm in you just go find a honeysuckle and there was never honey there was always these bullshit apple crab apples i remember crab apples can't eat those and i tried my grandma's place had a crab apple tree in front of the house and and yeah you put it in your mouth one time, they're terrible.

You just use them to throw cars.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, they make good throwing implements.

Yeah.

Throw them at cars, throw them at

the ugly kids in your school.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember throwing rocks at people?

Mrs.

Stevenson

threw a crab apple at me.

Well, you're ugly, Brian.

And he's sexy as shit.

That's what they do.

They throw crab apples at ugly kids.

That's just the way the world works.

If you don't like it, maybe you shouldn't be so ugly.

Maybe you shouldn't be such an ugly little boy.

I had

the teacher's assistant at my school was like this old Greek bitch who was just so fucking mean and like what would say shit like that.

Like shit about like

that you're ugly and stuff.

Yeah, she's called me fat and shit.

That's not nice.

Nah.

It is true.

I think she was like.

She's not wrong.

She is wrong.

I'm cute.

I think she was like a fascist.

Like no joke.

Because everyone in Greece of a certain generation like a right wing was either communist or fascist and I think she was on that

on that fashy side.

That's cool.

Yeah, that made her cool.

Did she dress cool?

She was in all black.

Yeah.

She's goth.

She's goth.

Every Greek

lady.

Yeah, every widow dresses in all black, so they're all goth.

As soon as their husband dies, they start losing evanescence.

I was singing the evanescence song, like the gibberish style in Chinatown to my girlfriend, and she got really upset thinking that I was doing fake Chinese music.

Oh, she got fat.

Oh, from Evanescence?

Yeah, I just looked her up.

Because I couldn't remember if she was hot or not.

She was hot.

Was she?

You know who else?

I can't remember.

She wasn't hot.

No, she wasn't hot, dude.

And then

she's a big old girl.

Oh, she's a big girl.

I'm in.

Yeah.

I'll smash her.

Look what she looks like, dude.

That was

a gif of a goth guy.

No, it's Jonah Hill.

What is this?

21 Jump Street?

That movie is so fucking funny.

The first one's really good.

The first one, yeah.

Where are we going to LA, dude?

I want to be in.

We're trying to book a show.

You're going to make your own moves.

I'll go.

I'll go.

My movies.

My goal right now is to sell this HGTV show.

HGTV?

Yeah.

This gay house?

Yeah.

This gay house.

We're going to put another glory hole right here.

How are you doing?

We got a great plan for you here today.

We're putting glory holes in every room of the house.

Fine.

I'll fucking, I guess I'll have to take a solo trip to LA.

Be a penthouse, dude.

I'll go back out to L.A.

You know, the time was to go was like a little earlier.

I know.

Go out to Malibu, have a nice day on the beach.

Yeah.

Go to that fucking seafood place.

There's always seafood places.

I would love to do that.

That place, that little bar outside.

Right off the PCH.

That place?

Let's.

All right, here's what we do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We find the fucking Baltimore show.

It's like right by

Zuma Beach.

Book all this shit.

We fucking promote it.

Do Eastern Shore, Maryland?

Eastern Shore, Maryland.

Well, we should.

We shouldn't just do a show at Secrets.

When we do Autobar, we should spend a day just eating crabs for sure.

Yeah.

The day before, the day after.

Instead of Autobar, why don't we just book a show at Secrets?

Secrets, yeah.

And we just do Come Fest.

And then, like, everyone.

Holy shit, I would do that.

Have you been to Secrets?

Yeah, yeah.

It's got sand on the ground.

Yeah, yeah.

We literally should have

a show at Cum Fest.

Ocean City, Maryland's Cum Fest.

OCMD, baby.

Dude, we get all our fans to come to OC that weekend.

It's fights, hookups, drama.

Ukrainian teenagers.

Start sucking or get the fuck out.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, that's a tagline.

Come Fest 2018.

Start sucking or hit the bricks.

I went to Ocean City once with my ex-girlfriend who was Korean and all of her

high school friends.

Stop saying

all of her high school friends were like criminals who like brought guns and stuff.

And one of her friends got drunk on the beach and like told this dad in front of his family, in front of his like two little kids and wife, he's like, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

And he like kept using the N-word.

He's like, I'm gonna end your life.

And he like

pulled out.

No, it was like a middle-aged white guy.

And and he's like and for no reason

oh he was Asian he was an Asian guy oh what yeah it was all Asian people that used the n-word incredible and had guns towards white that's a towards white people to use it threateningly I feel like Asians aren't allowed to use it negatively they can use it out of love oh yeah yeah for their friends yeah y'all we got to get out here we got to shoot these Asians

gotta kill them well it's just interesting how

yeah I the first time I ever met those guys, and it was just a room full of Asian people, and everyone was using the N-word, it was one of the

most profound and bizarre experiences of my life.

I was like, what the fuck is going on?

Those are all Tom Lyris's friends.

That friend looks so awesome.

Korean criminals.

They love his shit.

They think he's the funniest guy of all time.

Yeah, you one of the only white people.

All right, what else is going on?

We can't just end the show with

Kanye, Bill Cosby.

Oh, this Kanye thing's fucking hilarious.

It's great.

It's wild, bro.

But you know, it's even better, R.

Kelly.

Because I don't know why.

It's been for a while.

Shut up.

I don't know why people are mad at R.

Kelly, but it's made me listen to his music.

I can tell you that.

I think he's like a rapist.

I saw a thing that said that

if you listen to R.

Kelly, you're hurting black women.

And it's like, if it's that easy.

All I have to do is just listen good jams to be fair all I have to do is just put on RT

from the comfort of my own home and I can hurt every black woman in the world I don't even have anything wrong with black women no problems with black women but if I have that make it that easy if it's that if I can do that much damage well dude Spider-Man with great power comes great responsibility yeah exactly

how about with great irresponsibility comes great power so true so if you just you know you drink and drive that's that's power that is power that is very responsible you don't think so why don't you put your fucking four-year-old in the middle of the sidewalk?

Go ahead.

You don't think I'm powerful.

I've had 11 beers.

I'll show you power.

You know?

And

that's a little, what I like to call a life lesson corner of the show.

That's really good.

I get that lesson.

Do you guys watch Avengers?

I watched Black Music.

People say these things.

They're like, oh, Avengers is coming out.

Didn't that come out 15 years ago?

They do new ones.

Oh, Oh, they do new ones.

Who's good?

Yeah.

Infinity War.

Infinity Horrors.

But even those names sound like they came out.

It sounds like the last one.

They all have the same names.

I watched one of the Avengers.

Oh, Captain America Forever Winter comes out next week.

That seems like they already did that one.

Spider-Man Homecoming was the last one.

It was a fancy fan.

I watched

this weekend, and it was charming.

It was great.

I don't like that Andrew Garfield.

No, no, it's a new guy.

It's a boy.

The The boy is good.

The boy is great.

The boy is great.

And Marissa Tomei is Aunt May.

And she looks so good.

Sexy Aunt May is something I was not prepared for.

Marissa Tomei was the first girl I ever wanted to fuck.

I didn't know what fucking was, but I wanted just her to like me.

Is that the girl in Before the Devil Knows You, Jenny?

No, it's my cousin Vinny.

No, I know who Marissa Tomei is, but is she playing?

Oh, yeah, the Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Yeah, Marissa Tomei sex movie.

Is that what he said?

Text Tom Myers.

Text Tom.

Let me look up the cat.

I can't remember.

I think it is her.

It's Sidney Lumit's last movie.

It's Sidney Poitier's last movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's Marissa Tarn.

Before the devil, it's Marissa Tom.

She's so hot.

Before the Daddy.

Dude and the wrestler.

Before the devil blows your dad.

How about that?

Before the devil blows your dad.

Imagine coming.

Dadstall him.

Keep making out.

Yeah.

Can you imagine coming?

Try to go down on him.

Yeah.

The riffs that good, Adam?

You never could.

I have.

No, yeah.

Dude, I'm going to get a super cut together of all my great ideas.

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

Please, honestly, someone please do that.

No, you don't need to do that.

Someone please string Adam's best moments on the podcast.

Does it need to say that?

And you know what?

The reason why is because.

Ooh.

How about doing a little watch through of the getaway with Alec Baldwin?

Who's in that?

Kim Basinger.

Oh.

They were married.

They were.

Damn.

At their height, that was a sexy ass couple.

Yeah,

1994.

Damn, dude.

He used to be like good as hell.

Remember

The Shadow?

Yeah, I remember that.

Was that Billy Zane?

The Sun is Shining.

No, it's Alan Baldwin.

It's Alan Baldwin.

It was like a superhero movie.

It was a radio play.

Before they came, no, it was pulp fiction comic books.

And radio plays.

Sure, but shut up.

Why are we doing shut up again?

Because

I'm describing something and you throw in these tidbits.

I'll fucking tid you.

Wait until I've finished speaking.

I'll tid you

whenever I got it.

Bite is titty.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to use the leftover dick I have from tying off Stavrus to tie off your tidbits.

No.

You can't possibly have more dicks.

You don't have that much dick.

After doing a naval knot, not having a

nautical knot on Stop's Did you have a scout's honor and I see that

in Boy Scouts to tying both of your dicks off.

That is a.

Already for the storm, Captain.

Have we talked about you guys flying like kites in a tornado as I salute, standing proudly on the ground, tethered to my cock?

Have you ever seen that movie, Russell Crowe, master and commander?

Like little like little paper dolls rolling.

What are you?

You're just master and commander.

It's just your cock is keeping us?

I don't know.

For whatever reason, the storm has no effect on me.

Oh, nice.

It would probably be the other way around.

You would probably be on the ground because you're fat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then I have a long niche.

And then I have the very painful, knotted-up dick that's being stretched out into the hurricane.

You stretch it too far.

It sounded so funny.

Yeah.

Would that make your dick bigger if you let your dick flap in a hurricane?

It would probably just rip it off.

Interesting.

Well, no, it probably wouldn't generate enough.

I don't know how much prep pound because I remember reading as a kid that it takes only 10 pounds of pressure to like rep a human ear off, but I can tug on my ear.

I could probably hang weights for my ear and it wouldn't fucking rip off.

All right, let's try.

So yeah, go ahead.

Pull my ear.

Let's go.

No, no, no.

Let's go to the process.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

I'm not going to do that.

Do it.

Pull a lot of volume.

I guarantee you.

You can't hurt me.

Pull my ear as hard as you want.

Ah, don't.

That sucks.

It doesn't do anything.

It doesn't?

No, I feel nothing.

Stop.

You got ugly ear.

That looks like it hurts.

Yeah.

I just don't have.

I just pulled my own ear and it hurt.

Yeah, it hurts me.

Ow.

No.

No, you just have like no

nerves or something.

Yeah.

You got like weird ears.

Can anybody ever fuck your ears up?

No, but I mean, you could do that with any.

I don't think.

Yeah, I don't experience pain.

I remember I heard about.

That's true.

I remember hearing about boxing ears when I was a little kid.

Cauliflower ears.

But no, no, no.

Boxing someone's ears.

Thunderclapping people.

Thunderclapping, and it like freaks me out.

It sounded so good.

It would make you deaf?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can go deaf just from cupping someone's ears on the sides of their heads.

Damn.

Yeah.

I hate that.

So we should do that, says Nick, and see if you want to.

Deaf Nick.

That would suck, dude.

Yeah, that would be cool.

Yo, what is it in your comtown, everybody?

And they're like, people are like, he's doing the Down syndrome guy again?

And then, like, no, I'm deaf now.

What about

very similar, very similar accents?

What about deaf syndrome?

It's like Philadelphia and Baltimore.

People can't tell the difference if they're not from there.

But if you have Down syndrome.

What about deaf comedy joint?

When he comes up, they're like, excuse me, do you have Down syndrome?

My aunt has Down syndrome.

We used to go see her in the summertime.

I always would laugh at her voice.

It was always so funny to me.

No, I'm deaf actually.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but eavesdropping.

But are you deaf by chance?

No, I have Down syndrome.

Oh, okay.

That's a similar, they're similar, right?

Similar qualities.

Yeah.

Yeah, there are similar qualities.

But, like, they say phone, and then

we say zinc.

And we eat the we are not allowed to use the phone.

Because we keep buying candy crushed tickets.

They say phone, but they don't know how to, they can't use it.

They're incapable of using it.

And we say phone, but we've chewed all the buttons.

Fuck, dude.

All this exercise.

I had something to say, but all this exercise I've done today has made my brain foggy.

Yeah, I need to find that goddamn bookstore before I go to the gym.

What's the bookstore?

I need to get a QuickBooks online for God's girlfriend.

Just go to the strand.

I don't want to have to pay my CPA friend more money to

teach these QuickBooks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because anytime I have a question, I go consult.

It's $100?

Yeah, it costs some money.

I just want to get away.

I need to learn how to do accounting myself.

I don't need to fucking keep spending money on that shit.

What even do you have to do?

Just write down your expenses.

I do.

I used to manage my own books, and I had a whole system, and I switched to QuickBooks because I'm like, oh, this will be easier.

But it's not.

It's like

broke software.

Why can't you just link QuickBooks to your bank account and then

the computer can just recognize this is a dick?

You're saying all this, and you have no idea what you're talking about.

What about

it?

I'm asking why the technology.

I have done that.

You need to document and categorize all the fucking expenses.

What about you?

I'm fine.

What's up?

What about take a look at

your mom dying of cancer?

What's wrong?

I'll tell you what the problem is because anytime I go to, I'm like, oh, I'm trying to figure out how to do this thing.

And this is not just you, but it's everybody.

It's society.

This is what's society.

Everybody does this.

And it's not to me.

Everybody does it to each other.

But somebody's like, yeah, I'm trying to figure this out.

And then they'll suggest things that are like obviously the first step anyone fucking took.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

And then you're like, puny mortals,

these humans.

Yeah.

Yeah, you sound like you're just getting irritated at

to be fair.

I don't think mundane and I don't think activists are telling you what to do.

But what about telling you what to do?

What about dick looks instead of quick books?

Yeah.

And it's a it's a

I don't know.

It's a spreadsheet full of dicks that you look at.

That's good.

Or maybe

their accountant's dicks.

I don't know.

I haven't workshopped it all the way, but

how about Philip suck more off, man?

I was thinking before, what about Deaf Comedy Jackson?

Just all black.

Bring your fucking cock out.

Deaf comedians.

Just bring me your.

I think we literally have done it.

Did we say that before?

No, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to suck your cock.

That's good.

Just pull your cock out.

Just let me see it, man.

Come on, man.

Please, just let me suck your cock.

Man, come on.

I feel like I could get him.

That's pretty good.

You're basically there.

Just pull it out.

Just come on.

Pull your cock out, man.

I'm Philip Suckmore Offman.

Philip Suckmore Offman.

I love sucking cock.

All right.

Okay, that's the episode.

Bye.

Oh, okay.

You announced that Baltimore is canceled.

Yes.

Okay, it's not canceled.

It's postponed.

Postponed.

I think maybe June 2nd.

Yes, June.

Maybe

Facebook.

We should mention it back.

He sent me a list of dates, and I looked at all of them.

Let's pick that up.

This Sunday, we are not doing a show at Auto Bar in Baltimore.

Sorry for the fall sir.

Oh, yeah.

We're not doing it.

We're not.

But the 14th, Funny Moms.

Funny Moms.

I'm booked.

I think someone is booked, but I forget.

I forget my ass.

Wait, he fucks?

No, I thought he just sucked off.

I just sucked.

I just sucked dick.

I'm just trying to suck more, man.

I just want to suck your dick, man.

Come on, man.

Please.

Okay, that's the show.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

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