Ep. 100 – Damn

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Hey, this is Mark, Mark Wahlberg, and we're out here in Cabo, San Lucas, and I'm doing 20 bench presses for retarded kids.

We're raising money for retarded kids here in Cabo, San Lucas.

I don't have a shirt on, and I'm ready to bench press.

That's like half his Instagram.

Really?

Yeah.

He's doing charity without shirts on.

Yeah, shirtless charity.

Oh, hell yeah.

We're raising money for the Retarded Kids of Boston Association.

One of my favorite charities.

My favorite charity, the mentally retarded Boston Child Association.

That's a good charity.

Mark, let's look at it.

Let's go to his Instagram now.

Let's go look at him without that shirt on.

So, Stod's a little upset today.

Am I a little upset?

You want to explain why?

Why?

We recorded an episode yesterday.

Yeah, I could tell.

Why don't you just let him speak, Adam?

Well, yeah, I'm annoyed when we fucking have to do that.

I think it's going to be a fine episode.

We're gonna going release it as another bonus anyway so you guys you know are we or aren't we we are man i'm that i am upset about whenever we record these things and we don't release them it's fucking stupid because there's plenty of good shit in there that's like especially if we're already doing an episode or like or would or do we are we not is this not an episode either no

it's not even plugged in this is the only time nick gets to hang out with people that's fine uh no i thought that was the discussion yesterday that we're gonna release it as a bonus episode we should release it And anyway, I'm going to be out of town this weekend.

Yeah, we're going to do.

So stay tuned, guys.

If you're Patreon subscribers, guess who's getting an extra shitty episode this week?

It'll be fine.

It was fine.

You know, whatever.

It's not the best episode, but I don't give a fuck, dude.

Yeah.

Happy Easter, y'all.

Make sure Aqua Hydrate.

Shirtless again here.

To promote

some type of water.

It's Diddy's water.

Oh, is it?

Yeah.

Why doesn't Mark have his own water?

I think they sponsor Diddy and Brandon Wardell.

Do they?

I think Brandon gets cases of.

No, he doesn't get sponsored by them.

I think he maybe got a free cash.

Maybe he did once, yeah, as an influencer.

We got to be lifestyle influencers.

Yeah.

I would love to have a partnership with a brand.

If you have a brand out there and you want me to fucking be the spokesman, holler at me, dude.

Yeah.

You know?

If what's that...

What, like cheese-flavored cigars?

No, like was Ladybug?

What was that?

What was that plus side?

What was that company to pair with Stav?

What was that women's store, Ladybug?

Sweatpants with pockets on the bag.

Fashion Bug.

Fashion Bug.

If Fashion Bug wants to fucking release a men's line, I'm your guy.

What's the slutty one that's a type of bleach to get Rainbow Plus?

To get peanut oil off your hands.

It's a special type of soap.

I don't use peanut oil.

I use avocado oil, olive oil.

On your body?

Yeah.

And sometimes coconut oil.

You have the residue from a late-night trip to checkers on your hands.

You want to forget that it happened.

I'm not a checkers checkers boy, man.

Check out Stavros Halkias Baby Wipes brought to you by, I don't know, GlaxoSmithKline, whatever type of chemical company has to come up with.

DuPont.

I want to work with DuPont.

The Dow Chemical Company presents the only wet naps that'll work on a man who's got nine layers of bean dip.

It's coated on his hand.

Yeah, it's just the nine-layer dip, but it's on my hand.

It's like sour cream, cheese, salsa.

It's just a big company to sponsor

Dow the Dow.

Seven layered, like a company that makes diabetes medicine, but the medicine is just inside of the Tootsie Pop.

That sounds good.

Yeah, that's in the middle.

It's a gob stopper.

You suck to get to the middle with the diabetes medicine.

And they know no fat person has the fucking patience to get to the middle.

So the medicine's not going to work.

They're going to need more of it.

Yeah.

It's smart, dude.

They're going to keep selling more and more.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I'm open to all these ideas, except cheese-flavored cigars.

I don't want to to do that.

I would be open to a cigar made out of cheese.

You mean a mozzarella stick?

Yes.

Yes, exactly.

If you want me to spot your mozzarella sticks, I'll do that too.

I hate when you go to a restaurant and they call that shit fried cheese.

Where do they call it?

Mozzarella sticks.

Plenty of places.

That makes you feel bad.

I know.

In one place.

Numerous restaurants I've been to refer to it as fried cheese sticks rather than mozzarella sticks.

That's bullshit, man.

Yeah, that's rude.

It is rude.

Maybe they don't use mozzarella.

Speaking of fried cheese sticks, Lindy West's movie is picked up by Lauren Michaels.

It's going to produce it.

Is it a movie?

I thought it was a show.

I don't know.

I don't really pay attention to these sorts of things.

I just.

When I sent it to you, you said you already seen it.

Yeah, because somebody else sent it to me.

I got sent the same screenshot nine times.

People update me.

Anytime Lindy does anything, people let me know.

Yeah.

Wow, dude.

You guys are bound together for eternity.

Yeah, by gravity.

She makes a guy's hole.

It's one of the four

subatomic forces of the universe.

I don't have any control over it.

Yeah, what was I going to say before?

How about a woman that's so fat that it sucks the cum out of your body?

Like the moon with the tides.

Yeah.

Oh, is that okay?

Yeah.

So you mean she's an asshole?

She'd have to be an astronaut in orbit.

Yeah.

And she's the tide

is

cum coming out of your dick.

Right.

The gravitational pull

of the girthy woman.

Isn't that how periods work, right?

The moon or something?

This is they do have something to do with the dungeon.

Look how gross that is.

What?

Was that used on the dog?

No, it's Darsha's hairbrush.

Why is there all that hair still?

Don't insult my queen.

Don't insult my queen in front of me.

You shaved your hands.

Don't hands yesterday.

I know.

I'll shave my hands.

I'm not making fun of you.

I'm saying that's a girl.

You're shaving your hands again today.

I know.

I like shaving my hands.

Stop shaving your knuckles at the table.

It's disgusting.

It keeps me smooth and fast.

You want the good riffs, saying things like cheese cigars?

Yeah.

You gotta be smooth.

All right.

Look, I can already tell I'm gonna have to carry this show this time because it's a makeup episode and I'm gonna get zilch from YouTube Bozo.

No, I'm I'm feeling a lot better.

I was I was tired yesterday.

Oh, were you tired?

Yes, I was.

You're too busy thinking about bits for

your stand-up show?

Your monthly stand-up show?

The stand-up show you do every seven weeks.

That's not true.

I do stand-up

every frequently.

It's so funny.

Until like two months ago, I did stand-up maybe three times in 2017.

Yeah, I know.

I went up probably like 10 times in 2017.

That's crazy.

Really?

Yeah.

I quit comedy, basically.

I mean,

when I was writing on Losha's show, I didn't go up a single.

I went three and a half months without doing a single spot.

Damn, that's wild.

I know.

It feels good to be back.

But also, you'll never feel like you belong again.

Once you take a break,

you're never a comedian anymore.

I can tell.

I see the way people look at me.

You would just hang at the club and I'm hanging out.

You have such weird issues, man.

Like, the things that you are self-conscious about are hilarious.

Nah, nobody treats you the same.

No, yeah.

That is true.

They find that

in the trades.

Yeah.

Real quick guy talks about it.

I'm some guy that burned out, you know.

It's like my friend, he used to go to jail for long periods of time, and he would come out and then he would get excited about pop culture shit that happened years prior.

Oh, yeah.

He'd be like, dude, have you heard about Xbox Live?

Like, yeah, man.

Have you seen the movie Dan in real life?

I've never seen that movie.

Yeah, it's not a good movie.

What happens to Dan?

My friend went to jail.

He got out of jail and then he got a place to live and he had a Dan in Real Life poster.

Was it that Steve Carell?

Yeah.

It was?

Wait, what happens there?

I think it's a drama.

I've never seen it.

Yeah, putting his life back.

It's about a guy named Dan who's online all the time.

Oh, nice.

He does IRL.

And in real life, they find out that he's not a racist podcaster.

Oh, okay.

He's just a guy named Family Man named Dan.

Interesting.

Just a simple one-syllable having name.

He just wants to do woodworking.

It's Dan IRL.

Yeah, that does seem like a fantasy because that would never happen in real life.

In reality, that guy is exactly as racist as he is on the podcast.

screwed.

What happened?

So, wait, some guy who was an in-cell guy killed people.

What happened?

Oh, that was Toronto?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The guy with the van.

He was also retarded.

He was in cell and retarded?

Yeah, and Armenian.

Oh, damn.

Oh, my God.

He must have been a baby describer.

This is Mark Wahlberg.

I'm not here for all the retarded kids except that one that drove that van through that parade for the guy that pulled a little Boston marathon action up in Toronto.

Boston even does our murder is better.

Actually, not that many people died.

How many people died in that case?

Yeah, they just used Boston bombing?

It's just like 700 people.

No, they used rice cookers, right?

And some people got their ankles blown off.

Instant pots.

But didn't like a lady die?

I think a couple people died, yeah.

How many people died in Toronto?

Seven.

Oh, so maybe Toronto.

Maybe he did better than that.

Dude, I don't know.

When that guy set it off with that truck in Nice and he killed like 100 people.

Yeah, that guy's the go.

Oh, this is the way to go.

You know, you got to go truck.

You got to to go truck.

He's Jordan.

Yeah.

You want to talk to him?

He's a big truck.

That's the real gravedigger.

It's true.

It's true.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

No fear.

Calvin pissing on the American flag on the back.

Calvin pissing on everything else.

That's ISIS's new flag.

It's Calvin pissing on

women going to college.

Well, they all love this.

I'm telling you, dude, we're getting closer and closer to a redneck Muslim world, and that's not something people want.

You know, fucking white people discover Islam.

That's the end of the world for everybody else.

If you have like Muhammad justifying their hate crimes, oh boy.

I don't think that'll ever happen.

I mean, it could.

You think white people, white, white trash?

Why wouldn't everything about Islam appeals to them?

Every single thing.

Like swords, now trucks, also.

That's true.

You know, guns, violence.

It's oppressive towards everyone except them.

You get to rape all you want.

Yeah, men are the best.

Yeah.

Is that Islam?

Is that what's in the Quran?

Is that all that?

It's religion.

It's religion.

You have a giant fucking duck dynasty beard.

That's true.

The beards, they do have that.

It's 100% compatible with that lifestyle.

The only thing is, they don't have the music kind of sucks.

You know, it's not cool shit like, well,

you know, we're going down to the dancing.

I hope that girl from the Dairy Queen is there.

You know.

I am.

Maybe they can mix it up a little bit.

Going mudding.

You know, that's a lot like pushing a gay guy off the roof of a building.

Off-roading.

Yeah.

Well, aren't a bunch of, like, terrorists actually gay or some shit?

Like, they say that they're all fucking shit.

Yeah, they're all gay.

They found out bin Laden and all that.

Don't they, like, fuck boys or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, in Afghanistan, like, the warlords were fucking boys.

I like how they they said, Oh, and you know, there's porn, as if, like, yeah, so does everyone, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Oh, oh, now I, you know, I didn't thought I thought Bin Laden was a pretty cool guy until I found out that he looked at porn.

What a monster.

You think he's actually they actually got him, dude?

I think SEAL team's got a lot of people.

The Batabad, yeah, shit.

They just put his ass in the water, yeah, right.

About a boy, Pakistan,

about a boy,

Hugh Grant steamed town in Pakistan.

You know where I could buy a prosthete?

A prosthetic.

Well, what happened?

They threw him into the ocean, right?

Yeah, we got no proof.

So there's no, I want to see his head.

There's a couple pics, right?

But he died, dog.

I like that

Osama bin Laden and Jack from Titanic died the same way.

Yeah, it's rambling.

The SEAL Team Six kissed him on the lips and said,

sunk under the water.

That's pretty tight.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

There should be a big Osama Laden grave and memorial.

We should put a beard on the top of the Washington Monument.

Well, that way it'll be bait for terrorists.

That's true.

They'll come to be like, oh, I got to give respect, pay my respects to Osama.

And we have Chris Kyle.

And we fly a plane and something.

That's what we should have done.

We should have made...

We should have let them turn Ground Zero into a mosque, rebuild the towers as mosques, create the biggest mosque in the West.

Fill it with Muslims.

Blamo!

Air Force One.

Flying Air Force One.

If Trump, if that's the way Trump went out, I would be like, salute.

I would be like, all right.

A big red, white, and blue chemtrail going straight into the tower.

Yeah.

That would be good.

I love that.

You guys excited for Hillary 2020?

Yep.

She's coming back, baby.

It's going to happen.

And I'm ready.

Joyanne Reed,

that lady's homophobic or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, she had the old blog post where she's like, honestly, it is disgusting to look at gay guys kiss each other.

It does make you want to throw up.

And then she said, apparently she said that Russia hacked her old blog, which isn't even online anymore.

Awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah, it'll be awesome when Hillary runs again, and everyone's like, doesn't blame her for losing.

And then she loses to Trump again.

Yeah.

Plus, Burning Man.

It'd be great if Trump doesn't even run.

Burning 79, it's a a guy that collects knives.

It's like, I'm running for president as part of the knife party.

It's all different collections of butterfly knives and blades and things I enjoy of that nature.

They're like, what are you going to do about the economy?

He's like, I don't know nothing about that.

I just collect knives.

That's my platform.

They're like, well, how about Syria?

What are we going to do with Syria?

Again, I don't know how more direct I could be.

I collect knives and I'm a knife enthusiast.

And if you have questions about knives, I will answer them.

And everyone's like clapping.

and Hillary's like we're gonna kill all the children in Syria they're like boo you could have just deflected like you could have said nothing

you're losing to a knife enthusiast

oh man yeah um this week was really annoying because Emmanuel Macron was visiting um the White House and he's married to his old teacher from school she's like 30 years older than him really she was his French teacher

that's like the most French thing ever Are you serious?

That's his wife?

He fucked his teacher as a child and then grew up and made her a wife.

Wow.

Yeah, everybody knows that story already.

Whatever.

I know that.

But everyone's like showing pictures of Melania and Trump.

That's a secret.

Matt Crone and

they're like,

I wish our president was as in love as the French president with his old lady.

They're like, yeah, isn't it pathetic that we remember when we had Obama and he used to I love when my cousin cuddles his wife.

Yeah, yeah.

He used to top and bottom and bottom from the top and

for dunker.

It sucks that we get blumpkins from her.

It is funny because the only cool thing about Trump is that he fucks.

Yeah.

You know, that's the only cool thing about him.

Yeah, why do the left keeps trying to promote that he has sex with people?

It's pretty cool.

I mean, he sucks, but it is cool that he fucks.

I mean, he fucks in that weird rich guy way.

He's not good at fucking, probably.

I think Stormy Daniels and the Playboy Girl said he was good at fucking and that his dick was good.

Really?

I think so.

Nice.

All right.

Okay, respect Donald.

She got piped.

This is the day Donald Trump became president.

Today is the day that I found out his dick was pretty good.

Donald Trump became president.

No way.

Do you really want to trust the economy with a man that just collects knives and the knife guy just pulls his cock out and

starts waving it around?

That's huge.

That's a pretty nice cock.

Nice cock.

Whoa.

That's a pretty nice hog you got there, sir.

Yo,

you know it is going to suck you.

I didn't want to have to do this.

I just wanted to discuss my acts.

That's the only thing I came here for.

It's a last resort.

When you push a man to his limits,

sometimes he's got to pull his cock out.

That's how I resolve disputes both on the national stage and while waiting in line at Arby's.

Isn't Joe Biden going to probably run for president?

He's old as fuck, too.

And he's a fucking sexual predator, also.

Dude, yeah.

Oh, because my son has brain cancer.

Yeah, because well, you get one if your son gets cancer.

Yeah.

If your son gets brain cancer, I think his wife and kid also died in a terrible car.

Yeah, that's one point, that's 1.75.

Yeah, he's lost a lot of kids, that guy.

Strange.

I'm not going to say.

Or maybe.

Or maybe.

Maybe God is punishing him.

Yeah.

You know,

exactly.

The Muslim God is going to be.

The redneck Muslim God.

Inshallah.

Yeah.

Who should we get to run for president, guys?

Not The Rock, not Oprah.

We need a candidate for the Larry the Cable guy.

That's it.

Larry the Cable Guy literally could win.

Yeah, probably.

I mean, if Trump won, dude.

As Larry the Cable guy, he would win.

Not as Dan Williams.

No, no, no, of course.

And then there is we have the first character

exposing

Hillary's like, drop it.

Go ahead the week before the election.

He's actually from Florida.

It would actually work.

Be like,

what?

He's not a cable guy.

Yeah, Hillary loses to Alexa.

Hillary loses to one of Jeff Dunham's puppies.

Gina.

It's been a puppet with a man's hand in his ass this whole time.

Shut up, bitch.

Boo!

You're cock out, sweetie.

And that man is Vladimir Putin.

Yeah.

Damn.

Do you think there's going to be a trans-Republican candidate before there's a.

Of course, dude.

Caitlin.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

Ooh, Caitlin.

The best was during the election when she was like.

We're going to go shoot guns today.

Where?

It's a nice place.

There's a place in Manhattan.

Yeah, no, you have have to go out of the city.

There's an indoor shooting range.

We should go do that this week.

We have another rainy day.

We should go shooting.

We're shooting tomorrow to go see my fans.

Fuck.

But when I'm back, yeah.

We have to go shoot firearms.

Oh, I don't know if this one's coming out tomorrow or if the other one's coming out tomorrow, but we are going to Baltimore next week.

Oh, yeah, he just messaged me.

Okay, great.

So announcing officially right now?

We can announce, yeah.

We will be at the auto bar in Baltimore on Sunday the 6th, the little impromptu show.

Secret show.

Little, basically, a secret show, but please come out to that.

We're going to do a live podcast.

Just the boys getting our nuts sucked in Baltimore.

So please come out to that, guys.

The 6th.

That's basically in a week and a half at this point.

So

it's very soon.

It's probably a bad idea that we're doing this, but hey, who gives a fuck?

We're going to have fun in Baltimore.

We're going to have a fun weekend and we booked a show around.

Yeah, we're going to sell like five tickets.

Yeah, it's going to be.

How much should we pay?

How much should your tickets be?

We'll talk about the hundred.

Yeah, that's not

$100.

Yeah.

Actually, that's not a bad concept.

That's not a bad idea.

We saw $600.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Yeah, I actually think now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably a bad idea to do a Baltimore show so soon after the DC show.

It's not so soon.

It's four months.

Yeah, but in procrastination time, it's been like two weeks.

For us, yeah, it feels like that.

Like it fucking matters, like we would prepare for it anyway.

You know what matters?

Black Lives.

That's true.

That's the only thing that matters.

That's a little taste of the stuff we're going to be talking about in Baltimore.

We're going to get a little more serious at that Baltimore show.

We're going to have special guest Sheila Dixon will be there.

And Mr.

Tom.

How about the new Subway Master?

Oh, fuck.

Should we offer Tom like six grand?

He won't do it.

He's mad at me.

He's mad at me.

And then people are like being mean to Tom.

And it's like, I've never been mean to Tom.

The only thing I've ever done is mean to Tom.

He's publicly.

Exclusively been mean to Tom

On the podcast, in person,

at that show that you opened for him and mocked him six years ago.

Hitch Forks.

What was it?

I'm not mean to him.

It's just like, I'm realistic about what Tom is, but I wish him the best.

And it's like, we love him, too.

I do, actually.

Tom's hilarious.

I literally do.

He doesn't understand why he's funny.

It's the same thing with Seth.

It's like, you know, it's a guy that's very funny, but not for the reasons they want to be.

He is not on purpose funny.

Yeah, he is very funny.

Bronghit Transplant is a great joke.

Which is like, as as a comedian, like, you're always going to be partially that, you know?

I mean,

there's nothing fucking worse than the comedian that takes himself seriously.

Yeah.

Which Tom does.

Of course.

Which is great.

Which is also sort of what's great.

Yo, how awesome would it be if Tom like just leaned into it and let it and like open force it on every live show?

Like you could that would be like going to harassment.

I've never said anything bad about Tom and he acts like I'm to call him like the shittiest comic in the world or so.

I mean, I did, but yeah, it's like, so did Nikki.

Yeah.

I mean, okay, how about that?

Yeah, that's Boltzmann.

We're just going to give Tom all of Dor.

Yeah, Tom gets the whole door.

Tom, if you're listening.

I love that picture he posted.

It's like the return of Ron Bender.

Oh, no.

And he's just in a wheelchair now.

He posted on his

poor man.

Jesus Christ, man.

Yeah, don't take a big man.

The triumph and return.

Oh, God.

He's healing from the gout surgery quite nicely.

Oh, God.

He posted a pic of that tweet Lewis did: of like, everyone's asking me to book this guy, Tom Myers.

He must be pretty cool.

And Tom posted on Instagram and was like, How's your day going, everybody?

I hope he does it.

Yeah.

Everyone's requesting this guy, and I still probably won't book him.

How's your day?

How's he putting you guys up to it?

You know, he adjusted the belt

just like he did before.

I'm going to sign up to be an intern.

I love that tweet where he was like,

oh, yeah, it's nice to see a video of former open mic extraordinaire.

So it's like, what do you mean by that?

That I'm a professional comedian?

Yeah, former open mica.

Yeah.

Formerly very promising open micer that became a good comic.

It's paying to be stand-up comedy, though.

Yeah.

Anyways, he goes, yeah, musing on bits I haven't done for 10 years.

It's not my fault the guy can't get over a bad performance from the Bush era while Bush was still in office.

It's like, how did you manage to work in George W.

Bush

into this defense of yourself?

That's so good.

Sorry, I'm texting the fucking Autobar guy right now.

Oh, great.

Okay, so the six of God's like, let me see your cock.

I'm like, come on, dude.

We'll do whatever.

I don't care the money.

Fucking money.

Let's just see it.

Please.

Just please.

Just if not through texting when I'm there.

Promise me I get to see a cock when I'm there.

You're a fucking good guy.

I know that everyone says that about you.

I'll take your word.

Autobar is like kind of like punk kind of metal.

You won't feel comfortable there.

I've been watching

fucking comedy.

You've never been in a cool comedy.

I did that show.

What was the show they used to do there?

Adam gets his drinks

at Jimboree.

That's where he goes.

That's his favorite bar.

Yeah, they have the ball pit there.

Yeah.

No joke, a ball.

A bar goes to the children's place.

That would would be kind of drinks.

Yeah, drink cocktails in a ball pit.

Dude, when I was working in the mall one time, there was a children's place.

It was a two-level mall, and like you,

like, it was a walkway, so you could, like, see down to the level level of the mall from walkway.

And my boss at the kiosk points over, and he's like, What the fuck is this dude doing?

And there's just this, like, his, like, this day laborer-looking guy, and he's got a like a VHS camcorder just pointed at the children's place.

Oh, no,

dude.

From over there.

Oh my god.

Jesus Christ.

I was having like chest pains, laughing.

He's just smiling.

Look, okay, look.

And it's obviously horrible behavior.

But

as opposed to, I guess, abducting one of those children and having sex with them.

Right.

It's just casing the joints.

That's okay.

Just do a little scouting.

Yeah.

He's like, where are all the emergency exits?

How is it?

Hey, how much were the little one?

I want a little one with the wind in the bullshirt.

He's like, hey, we have the same clothes.

Children.

Yeah, he's confused about.

She thinks children's place where you buy children to fuck.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you like one of the children in your place, please.

Oh, yeah, that is the name of that place.

Damn.

I would love a ball pit, though.

It must be.

I bet.

Do you think anyone's?

I mean, I'm sure someone has fucked in a ball pit, but

it's pretty fun.

I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was like at the bottom of one and I was trying to swim up to the top.

Swim?

You know, like get up above the balls, and then I was constantly just not able to

when I was a little kid.

I'd wake up screaming.

Really?

You were scared of that?

I used to sleep with my mom, yeah.

Yeah.

I used to suck on her fucking tits and shit.

I used to sleep soon.

I used to pee on my dad and say, get the fuck out of bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some Oedipus shit.

Yeah.

She's my baby.

You know what?

What happened to Oedipus was some fucked up shit, man.

It was super fucked up.

Yeah.

He gouged his eyes out at the end.

That's fucked up.

Poor guy.

Poor guy.

He didn't know what he was doing.

Fuck his mom.

That sucks, dude.

Right, Nick?

What do you think about Oedipus?

I don't know.

I had a little bit of indigestion there for a second.

You okay?

Yeah, because I confuse it for heart pain all the time.

Oh, so you think you're dying?

Do you take something for it?

Do you take tums or

zan?

What about fish oil?

Is that good for you?

I try to eat a lot of fish.

Yeah, omega-3s are good.

I just bought some fish oil.

I bought it, yeah, I have some too.

Really?

The thing I don't like about fish oil is you always burp it up.

Well, I don't know.

Is it like vitamins?

Whenever I take vitamins in the morning.

Fish oil isn't like vitamins because it's not.

You are supplementing, but it's like it's just fat.

So your body will absorb it.

I mean, it's feeling like needs.

It has a caloric content.

That's from taking like B vitamins.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

so you piss those out right away.

So they don't do anything.

Any water-soluble vitamin.

Yeah, you're going to absorb some of it, but any water-soluble vitamin, if you get an excess of it, your body will just piss it out right away.

Fat-soluble ones, there's a toxicity level that you have to keep in mind.

Those are like, what, A, K, E?

And I don't know, man.

I'm trying to.

I'm a real scientist.

I'm trying to do that.

No, I just

mean, I'm probably wrong about that even.

Like, I d I don't really know much about fucking vitamins and shit.

I think it's a crock.

I think it's a.

I think vitamins are all bullshit?

I think it is.

For the most part, but yeah, I mean, it doesn't hurt to supplement.

Sure.

You know?

You're going to absorb some of it.

Yeah.

My body hurts from my extreme day of cycling yesterday.

Yeah, you cycled three burrows.

Like

20 miles, baby.

And my butt cheeks hurt.

And I hit the gym.

I was benching.

I was doing curls.

Like I said, I'm going to have big arms this summer.

You're going to see me out in the fucking beach on Brighton Beach getting my fucking arms.

You want to do a six-week arm block?

Sure.

Yeah, we'll do it.

Well, I'll write up a brand.

You're not invited.

I'm not.

I don't want to be there.

Me and Stav are just going to get big arms.

I would love that.

I would love to get big arms.

People love how.

You know, I've been getting a real nice pump is you do whatever your curl bullshit you're doing, and then you take a resistance band, and you really just fucking rep it out with the resistance band at the end.

You get a real nice pump going.

Resistance band, like the little rubber bands?

Yeah, there's rubber bands.

And you just step on it,

step on it, and then you use like a hammer curl grip, and you just pull them up.

And then it's more tension at the top where it's like.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I fuck with that.

Yeah, I also bought home gym equipment.

I bought a little bench that goes under my bed, and I can pull it right back up.

Those are nice, yeah.

And then I bought those fucking Bow Flex dumbbells.

So you can adjust the weight.

I might get some resistance bands, too.

How much are those?

These are expensive.

They're like

for fitness?

No, they're like $300.

$300.

Yeah.

Fuck.

To look fucking good as hell.

Yeah, for two.

What the fuck?

To look good as hell.

Doesn't matter, dude.

$300.

I'm toothless.

I'm going to have a little mustache.

I'm going to have big arms.

7,700 pounds.

One dumbbell.

140-pound weight vest I bought was $300.

$300.

Yeah, weights cost a lot of money.

They're expensive.

Yeah, they are.

And then the post office refused to deliver them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It hasn't arrived, by the way.

The bench came, and I ordered them the same time.

The weights aren't here.

You got on like primers?

Yeah, I got it.

That poor fucking USPS guy.

Fuck him.

That's his job, dude.

Yeah.

Fuck him.

Fuck him.

Fuck that note.

Fuck him.

Fuck.

I hope he dies

bringing the package under the truck.

Yeah.

I need those things that I'm going to curl four times max, probably.

How fucking expensive a letter is, and it takes like no effort to.

That's true.

That's a good point.

Most of the shit is fucking bullshit.

Every once in a while, you got to fucking do some Bowflex shit.

Yeah.

That ain't my fault.

You got to look fucking shredded this summer.

Right.

I'm trying to get my nuts sucked out on Brighton, like I said.

Why Brighton Beach?

I don't know.

That's the first thing.

Why the worst beach in the East Coast?

I'm actually never going to go to the beach.

It's not the worst beach.

It's kind of worst.

What's the one?

The Rockaways.

That's the one I go to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We should go to that beach where

schoolgirls go during the week.

And see their titties?

And yeah, put their have their titties out.

Not that I'm going to look at that.

I love seeing big titty babes out on the beach having a big summertime titty.

100%.

I literally do love that.

I don't love it.

I think it's cool.

I'm just kidding.

I don't enjoy it.

I think it's cool.

I think women should be chaste.

Dude, you're going to go island.

Isn't it chaste?

Chased?

Chaste.

It's chaste?

I think so, yeah.

It's not chast like chastity.

No, it's chaste.

I think it's chaste.

I knew that from Mormon kids going.

But you don't say chastity.

Yeah, you don't.

Yeah, it's two different words from a similar ruler.

You don't fuck me up like that?

Lambaste and lambaste.

Lambasted and lambaste.

Yes.

Oh, lambaste, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you lambaste my cock and butter and suck it?

Why don't you

shut up?

How about that, motherfucker?

What?

Yeah,

that's right.

don't know.

Fuck with the insult, Kate.

Are you fucking serious, man?

Yeah.

I don't want to show you.

You come into my house, you better pull your pants down and get ready to have your dick point at you.

My dick is out.

I'm going to point at your dick until it comes from being small.

I wish I could come in that kind of way.

Just a woman pointing at your dick, and you know.

Ah, yeah.

That's cool.

The David Blaine of nutting.

What's the fastest way you've come or have come?

Sleep?

Just by accident.

Yeah.

Really?

What do you mean?

Just like sometimes you just slip on a banana peel.

Yeah, no, sometimes you like just with no friction or.

Oh, no, no.

I mean, yeah, no.

I mean, I have to have my like dick in a place.

But sometimes you get carried away like early on.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like, oh, oh, whoops.

Sorry.

Yeah, I love busting early.

Do you?

It's like getting out of school at like noon.

It's a half day, baby.

All right, you paid yourself off.

I'm going to go have an ice cream cone.

Yeah, why don't you smoke weed at McDonald's?

Yeah,

Yeah, I'll bust.

It's like I have no in-between, dude.

I either bust immediately, which

immediately.

No, no, no.

Like, we're talking like...

One pump.

No.

Five pumps.

Within five minutes of starting fucking.

Yes, like right at the five minute mark, probably.

Yeah, that's way too early.

For me, coming early is like within the first 10 minutes.

No, that's not.

Or I just like can't cut.

It's like I have to have my nuts sucked in a specific way and like get beat off.

You're hard, but you can't bust.

Yes, either I bust so fast or it takes me a while to bust.

And either way, it's not good.

You don't feel good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, because if you bust early, you're a fucking bitch.

And then if you can't bust, it's like, what the fuck?

What's going on?

It's like you're a bitch.

And you're also fucking.

It's better to just not fuck.

It's better to live in a world where you don't fuck.

You just lift.

You just lift.

I mean, honestly, yeah, kind of.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you always get better at lifting weights.

You get progressively kind of worse at fucking.

No, I feel like I'm better at fucking every year.

Really?

I put new tricks in my bag.

Yeah, I was pretty bad at fucking.

I feel like I was better at fucking when I was like 23.

I think I didn't get confident.

I thought like...

My thing is that the older I get, the less I care.

You know?

It's like, well, I want this other person to have a good time.

It's like, no, I just want to die.

I just want to be dead, and I don't want to have to fucking do this anymore.

I think until like maybe 26.

This is a prison.

Sex?

It's a fuck, yeah, it's a fucking, it's a goddamn

prison.

Yes.

You can't escape it.

It's something you just fucking have to do.

The way you pass time in regular prison, rape.

Exactly.

That's how much of a prison that fucking is that even in prison, it's still

can't get away from it.

You can't.

Yeah, unless you're in solitary.

No, those guys jack off in there.

Yeah, they gotta jack.

You have to.

You gotta jack off.

That's probably the only reward you have.

God damn.

But lifting weights, that's freedom.

Maybe you'll be reincarnated as Vienna Boys Choir, just like a high-voiced castrato.

They don't still have castratos, do they?

Yeah, a weightlifting castrato.

Saudi Arabia might have some shit like that.

They feel like they're still cutting people's dicks off to sing good.

Yeah.

I think Iran does that.

Iran's Olympic weightlifting program, they remove the genitals of all that.

Iran does sex changes, like paid for by the government.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah.

I think if they find out you're gay, the government makes you become a woman.

Adam was researching how to get a sex change for free.

Severely disconnected.

He's not even transient.

Loves the bargain.

All right, guys.

You guys have been asking for it.

Here's Adam's deal corner.

If you want a sex change, just be gay and I'm on.

By the way, you look so much better without the mustache, dude.

Oh, thank you.

You can't?

You can't pull off a mustache.

Yeah, well, I'm going to see my mother tomorrow.

She'll just not like it.

She doesn't doesn't

like the stash.

My little brother said he liked my stash.

My girlfriend likes it.

I like your mustache a lot.

Thank you.

Yeah, I appreciate it.

It balances your face out.

Thank you, thank you.

No, it's a man was telling me how attracted he was to you last night.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Is he gay?

No.

Nick Naney.

Oh, Naney.

He was like, yeah, before I even knew him, I just look at his Facebook pictures.

I found him to be really attractive.

That's good.

Maybe I can fuck Naney in the ass.

He's doing our show show next month.

Yeah, next month.

And I don't think he'll cancel.

No, no.

He's not a canceled boy.

Not like Tim Dylan.

Not like Tim Dylan who had to go

try a new flavor of caramel.

And that's why he canceled it.

No, he did another show.

I know, but still.

That show looks good.

That looks good.

Anyway,

why are you destroying that can, Nick?

I'm practicing cutting.

How about like a relationship where the boyfriend helps the girl cut?

That's love, dude.

Yeah, I don't know why that's so funny to me, but it's like, yeah, I'll help you.

I'll cut you, babe.

There's definitely fucking.

I feel like in high school, you would do whatever it took to see this.

I would have done whatever the fuck it took.

I probably, I don't know if I would have killed, but I would have been like an accomplice of some crime to fuck in high school.

It sort of makes sense that girl that was like telling her boyfriend to kill himself.

Like in the context of high school, it's like, oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, except I'm sad sometimes, or she's like, yeah, you should kill yourself.

Have you done it?

Did you do it?

Yeah.

Which is weird.

Teenagers are fucking retarded.

Yeah, teenagers are like insane.

Do you think?

I mean, he must have gotten some head for a girl.

Of course.

He got head like a couple times.

Nice for sure.

Well, hey, man.

It's like, and can you imagine how much more retarded the retarded teenagers are?

Oh, wow.

So you think about guys like that that are like 30 and they've been working at the movie theater for 15 years, like, oh, I don't even want to think about

what my wife was like.

The shit I was into.

Different types of Oakley sunglasses.

I'm going to bring back Oakley's behind the neck this summer.

Did people used to do that in the Maryland area?

No, I don't know what that is.

That was like a West Coast bro thing where you wear your sunglasses when you're inside behind your neck.

You know what I was really into for a second was where, as a little kid, I was into all these weird, like, I just wanted to look cool from TV.

So I was into putting your glasses

your neckline and then also

tying a sweater around my waist.

Oh, yeah.

Tying a sweater around my waist.

I thought that looked cool.

That was a big look, like Mighty Duck's era.

Yeah, exactly.

Look, Adam, I made a house for you.

You can live there and settle your little business.

I'm not going to live in that house.

You can live in this can.

In that LaCroix can.

You fucking idiot.

Just the way I want it.

Nick cut a hole in a LaCroix can and then tried to drink it.

And he spilled all over his sweater.

That's the way I wanted.

What an idiot.

Over his Forever 21 sweater.

Then he bought in the girls section.

Not a single drop on me.

I didn't know that they make boys Forever 21.

I didn't either, but we went in there just because I needed a sweatshirt.

Because it was cold.

Yeah, it was cold.

How late is that place open?

Like 11?

10 at 10 p.m.

That's where you go to get his fucking

good pussy is, dude.

Forever 21.

You go at 10 o'clock at Forever 21.

Hit that clearance rack.

The late, the late

shift.

Meet up with some Chinese girls first year at NYU.

They're like, I need to buy clothes.

Okay, well, why don't you come over to my apartment?

It's in Brooklyn.

Cool.

Pretty far away from campus.

So

don't make plans to be back anytime soon.

Damn, dude, I got some chicken thighs waiting for me at home.

I'm a meal prep guy now.

Yeah.

But I'm marinating, too.

I'm marinating everything, dude.

Lemon juice, garlic,

unbone, of course.

I blended up a nice little

sauce for salmon and asparagus.

What do we got?

But you just blend ginger, garlic, cloves.

That is nice.

Two or three garlic cloves, a couple of slices of ginger, a quarter of a lemon.

Don't just squeeze lemon juice in there.

You got to put the lemon actually.

The whole thing, the rind, everything.

No, not the rind.

You peel that part off, but you quarter the lemon.

I love that.

A quarter of a lemon.

Oh, you're saying the...

It's a little more biased.

A couple of dollops, a honey, some oregano.

Soy sauce?

No, no soy sauce at all.

I think a little bit of honey.

I don't want to overstep my bound, but I think a little soy sauce might do the part.

Well, I got to avoid sauce.

How do you do salmon?

Do you broil it?

You broil?

Of course.

Always broil sauce.

Of course.

No, we've had this

before on the podcast.

Yes.

All right.

We don't have to talk about it.

You're right.

I make the perfect salmon.

I know.

I broil it on low, on a low setting on the broiler for maybe about 30 minutes just to cook the fish.

I blast the fuck out of it.

No, no, I do at the end.

I do like five minutes at the end on high to get the top crispy.

Okay, respect.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're just no.

You're a fucking fish.

You mean I make much better salmon than you?

Yeah.

You're a fucking salmon.

It goes skin down on the pan.

You cook it most of the way through.

You flip it for five seconds.

You serve it.

That's it.

Fuck up, pan-fried salmon.

You don't know what you're talking about.

That's trashy, brother.

It's not trashy.

That's how white trash fucking makes salmon.

No, that's how Alton Brown, the best chef on the world.

Alton Brown can suck my fucking brown's a fucking bitch dude and if he ever comes on the show i'll cut him yep i'll slice his ass out no i don't like you talking about alton that way dude yeah it's like i want to get it i want to become you think i can have a food network show someday that'd be cool i think that's actually what maybe you'd have one of those tried i'm traveling around alexis tried that wasn't he supposed to have a food network show what happened to that he got a i thought he got a development deal yeah maybe for pizza probably uh yeah but it never i don't know what happened with that he loved secrets because that was this was years ago already but i thought that was

because it seemed like that was his whole thing.

So it made sense that that would happen.

He used to do like pizza tours.

He still does pizza tours.

Yeah, he still does pizza tours.

But anyway, I want to be friends with celebrity chefs.

How are we going to do that?

You can

you'd be good at like having one of those travel like eating things.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to make my food network debut on my

chode on the road.

You go to different restaurants.

Chod on the road.

And I can only eat foods that are wider than they are long.

That guy, Adam Richmond, was a stand-up, right?

Yeah.

Was he?

Maybe not.

I forget who I was talking to one time, but they were like, yo, my buddy met him in real life, and he's actually a lot fatter than he looks on TV.

He's like, yeah, he looks pretty fat on TV.

I told you guys how Eldis got blocked because he was trolling him on Twitter.

He kept sending DMs and asking him what his shits looked like.

That's rude of Eldis to do that to a man who looks exactly like Eldis.

He looks like

He's got a better body than Eldis.

Eldus has

a fat woman's body.

He does.

He's got a big gym teacher body.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

A lesbian gym teacher.

But with a very, very furry asshole.

Stop.

Have you seen my whistle?

Have you seen my whistle and

my 37-inch shorts?

Okay, guys, so what do you guys think?

What are your summer style guides?

You know, what's in this summer?

I'm throwing heavy.

guns out guns out baby cut all the sleeves off every t-shirt you have you go to you go to Kmart you get the most ironic graphic to you can find which by the way I lost my Chevrolet shirt oh bummer you did that was that was the funniest one I had yeah just the Chevy just it's all it said was chevrolet on it and I remember buying it and then

putting it on as I left Kmart and then walking around and it would have to dip into like doorways around Manhattan to just giggle to myself

to just laugh at the idea of wearing a shirt that just says Chevrolet.

You still got the Bob Marley one?

I got the Bob Marley one.

I got

the House of Cards.

That's a number.

That's a real good number now.

The sleeveless House of Cards shirt is ideal.

Yeah, maybe this is the year I go tank tops, you know, since I will have giant arms.

Well, we're done ourselves.

Well, it's not like people can't tell that you're enormously fat, so you might as well go.

Yes, they can.

No, they can tell.

I hide it really well.

He layers.

I layer.

I learned that on Queer Eye, you have have to have vertical stripes.

Open layers.

Vertical stripes.

Yeah.

I do a lot of dazzle.

I draw the eye elsewhere.

So I want to do that.

Fat guy, like, you know, basketball jersey.

So, like, they can see where your breasts fold over your stomach.

I remember that look.

That's a good look, dude.

You know what?

That might be me this summer, boys.

I'm going this summer.

I'm going bucket hat.

A lot of bucket hats.

I love bucket hats.

I'm running those back.

I love those.

The problem is I like them very big, and I have such a big head that

it's hard to get it.

I got one that might be too big for my head.

Can I try it on?

You want to try it on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like that look.

And then I'm going wallet chain.

Bring them in.

Oh, nice.

Hell yeah.

Is this because the guys on

R slash fashion advice said that you tried too hard, so now

you're trying to go white track?

I thought you said it was 4chan, not right.

I forget what it was, but it was one of the, something like that.

Listen, I'm just trying to curry the favor of the 4chan 4chan fashionistas.

Yeah, people still post on 4chan.

I think so.

Yeah, it's still a thing.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn.

I thought that shit was dead.

Yeah, it's weird that it still exists.

Yeah, it is.

Damn.

Now that you have Reddit.

Exactly.

Isn't Reddit just 4chan?

Yeah, basically.

Except you can't post child porn on Reddit.

You can.

Really?

Yeah.

Where?

Really?

R/slash

the sweetest

R slash the Donald?

Yeah, the Donald.

Yeah,

wasn't like 4chan sort of

like a lot of the socialist people now came from something awful, and then a lot of the all-right people came from 4chan.

I have no idea.

To make a generalization like that.

You know about computers.

I know, but I don't know about social groups.

I just don't get like, yeah.

I don't know.

We don't have to talk about it.

Yeah, well, you brought it up.

It seems like you really want to talk about this.

All right.

I was content to.

I brought up Gravedigger.

That's the only thing I've mentioned in the whole show.

What about

something else to mention?

Quiet Place, bad movie.

You already talked about it.

You said that.

There's like.

You sure I didn't just say that before the show?

No, you said two episodes ago.

How many lines of dialogue are there in the whole movie?

Like four.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Do you see Emily Blunt's tits?

You do.

You see your pussy.

Do you see the baby?

Oh.

The baby coming out of her.

Do they penetrate if something?

And they let you masturbate in the movie theater.

They do that.

Yeah.

At the Alamo draft house.

Yeah, they have no talking.

But you can jack off.

Guess what?

We finally created a place for Tattletales to feel safe.

If you text during this movie.

That announcement is

super obnoxious.

Wait, what happens?

You can't text in there?

You can't do anything.

One of the fucking waitresses came over and she was like, yeah, don't text.

It's like, oh, you just don't want me to tip you.

Okay, fine.

No, we'll like.

You're going to fucking like police my movie.

While you were texting?

No, I had to check my phone, and it's like, it's not going to ruin the movie for anybody.

I completely agree.

If you think that that's going to, if somebody's going to ruin the movie, you have such a debilitating case of ADHD that you should be shot and killed.

Also, you should be put out of your fucking misery.

If seeing

a small screen account, you can have it on your fucking lap and put it on low.

And also, isn't there tables that you could dump on?

Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

The seats have tables.

You can look at it under the table, and they're like pretty far apart from each other.

The tables have lights on them, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Which is more brighter than one cell phone.

But you know what it is?

Once people see the cell phone, they get jealous.

They're like, damn it.

They're like, I want to be on my phone.

Yeah, that's true.

Every time I see someone checking their phone, I'm like, I want to do that.

I went to the draft house when I first got Movie Pass to see

a noon noon movie.

And they were like, just so you know, it's a family viewing.

And I was like, I didn't know what that meant.

It means you can bring kids.

Because you can't bring kids otherwise.

Yeah,

there was like 15 babies

at Itanya.

It was me and a bunch of moms and 15 babies.

And it was very annoying.

I got an answer.

Of course it was.

They were crying and stuff.

Yeah, of course it was annoying.

They were crying.

I didn't really like Itanya.

And then

they were sucking on their little binky and you were jumping.

Oh, Guy Tanya, you know?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

The rock.

And it's guys only.

Yeah.

No family viewings.

No, okay.

This is a guy.

But it is the movie I Tanya.

Yeah.

This is a guy viewing of the movie.

So you're allowed to jack off in the theme.

That's pretty good.

But it's the same exact movie.

Yeah.

Nice.

At the end, she goes to jail for not being a good wife.

For being a bad wife to her loving husband

who had that woman assaulted.

Yeah, he was just trying to help her.

Jeff motherfucking Galoo, bitch.

Galuli.

Yeah.

I guess

hopefully this 90s obsession

ends soon.

Nah, this is what always happens.

I feel like when we were kids, it was the 80s.

Was it?

Yeah.

Well, it's still the 80s.

Stranger Things.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe nothing.

70s.

There's nothing current.

The only thing that takes place now that's any good is Bosch.

Bosch?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I just see the advertisements for it all the time, and I see it on Amazon.

Isn't that a tool movie?

A

It is a tool company, but it's some show on Amazon Prime.

It's got Titus Welliver or whatever.

That sounds like a fake name.

No, yeah, I know.

Everything.

It seems like a fake show.

Daniel Titus?

No, it's the guy he played.

He's Christopher Titus.

He played, what's it, Cyrus something on Deadwood.

He's that guy that comes in the middle of season two on Deadwood that fights the big guy that wants to be Swearingen.

Swearing in's like number one.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Number two.

Yeah, that guy, yeah.

Yeah, it's the guy that is beefs with him, and then they have a fight.

Dan Dan, or whatever.

Dan, Dan kills him, right?

I don't know if he kills him, they have a fight, and then they become friends.

Oh, is that?

I think.

I mean, that's cool.

Deadwood.

What's Bosch?

I have no idea.

I just see the advertisement all the time.

It's like, Bosch, the new season starting two weeks.

You know, it seems like a fake name for a show.

Yeah.

I have no idea.

It's like Ray Donovan or any one of those just serious streaming

crime, you know,

that's probably pretty pretty.

No one will watch it.

Right, exactly.

People do watch Ray Donald Trump.

What the fuck is Bloodlines?

I don't know what that is.

Is that real?

That's a show, yeah.

On Netflix.

There's all these shows like that, these serious dramas.

Damn, I want to do that.

The Alienist

is the new one.

That's such a hilarious name.

Damages was one I watched the first episode of that.

But there's a million shows like that.

Burn Notice.

Burn Notice.

Burn Notice is different.

Because Burn Notice is like a campy daytime.

It's like MacGyver.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Burn Notice is a fun show.

You know what was good?

Angie Tribeca was funny as shit.

What was that?

It's like a comedy with sexy-ass

Rashida Jones.

She's the main person, and it's like, I think Steve Carell produced or something.

It's fucking good.

It's really well written.

It's got a lot of jokes.

It's kind of like, it feels like a Leslie

Nielsen movie, but

like that kind of stuff.

Where there's like a fucking joke every like 69 seconds.

Woo!

And it's like very

physical.

Yeah, plus Rashida Jones is hot in OJ.

That's my take.

Very clumsy.

How about Rashida, her pants?

Oh, I like that.

Yeah.

Rashida Bones.

She shits out bones.

Oh, that's cool.

Whole dog bones.

Damn.

Someone ate the skeleton, the class skeleton.

Who was it?

Oh, probably Rashida Bones.

That woman that shits out bones.

But she's been shitting.

In her defense, she was shitting bones even before that.

She got dogs like bones.

Oh, that they like it.

It's weird.

It's weird on their part to

just like

goth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're moody.

Yeah.

No, did you guys ever have to dissect owl pellets in school?

Yep.

No.

It's an owl's vomit.

It's an owl's vomit that has mice bones.

Mice bones.

And you have to recreate the mouse from the bones.

What?

That's fucked up.

Hair tangled around bones.

I hated every time we had to dissect anything.

I didn't fucking do it.

That shit was gross, dude.

We only did the owl pellets and I think a frog

in seventh grade.

Actually, you know what we did?

We did like a little piglet, I think.

Yeah.

That shit was fucked up.

It was you.

No, it wasn't.

It reminded you of you.

The teacher was like, I want everyone to look at Stavros.

This is what we're just acting.

There was a fatter kid than me in the class.

No, there wasn't.

Yes, there was.

And there was a girl who looked like a pig.

She had like an upturned nose and shit.

She was ugly as fuck.

So it doesn't even make sense, Nick.

I'm third on the list of who looks the most like a pig in that class.

Thank you very much.

Guys, I still want you to look at Starburst.

That was also my sexy-ass teacher, Miss Warner, with the big-ass titties.

Yeah.

Did you ever dissect her titties?

Did you ever dissect her tits?

I wish I would have dissected her titties.

I beat off Texas.

Miss Warner, I was wondering if we maybe could dissect your titties.

Go to the office.

That's my girl, Georgia, dude.

Georgia Warner.

Yeah.

She sounds hot.

Is she still teaching?

I don't know.

I lost her.

If you're out there.

I'm sorry.

If you're out there, I tried.

I couldn't find her.

She probably has a married name now.

Oh, she's married now.

What a bitch.

Yeah.

It could have been like Macron.

I've been like, yeah, I would have loved that.

Emmanuel.

Emmanuel.

That's my middle name, dude.

Is it?

After Emmanuel Macron.

My middle name is Danger.

Although, like I said, I will change that.

It must be a really gay middle name.

Danger?

People are like, my middle name is Danger.

Danger is my middle.

It's like, yeah.

Yeah, you're a fan.

You're probably a pussy.

Yeah.

That's a really sad.

Oh, you had stupid, ironic Brooklyn parents that named you.

Yeah.

I feel so bad for those kids.

You like walk around bedstead and you see like a fucking like nine-year-old on a razor scooter like flipping his hair.

And enjoy the vision t-shirt and shit.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah.

It's like, man, you're going to suck.

You're going to suck so much.

You will never be fucking cool.

You're going to be the just that you're going to get accused of rape in college.

You know, like you're not, you're never, you're going to be a fucking burnout.

Or you will rape.

Move back in with your stupid fucking tattoo parents.

I know, dude.

Yeah.

Some of those kids I think are going to be cool.

None of them.

I think the Manhattan kids always look like they're not going to be cool.

Well, Manhattan, like, city kids just end up

cultured and then incompetent.

No, they don't.

So they've read every book and they can't screw in a fucking light bulb or

order their own food.

Some of them can be cool, though.

No, a lot of them, like the Manhattan kids get fake IDs when they're like 12.

Yeah.

They like get exposed to shit really.

Yeah, and they fuck.

And then sometimes you fuck, you know, you fuck them by accident.

Sometimes, yeah, sometimes you're at a time.

Sometimes you can't tell when a girl is.

Sometimes you're at 10 years old.

This is 30-year-old man.

You're like, I thought she was 16.

Sometimes you're at one of New York's famous 14 and over rapes.

You know, you assume everyone's around your age.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, R.

Kelly, it's not my fault.

You know, the club didn't check ID.

It's not my fault.

Exactly.

I'm in a club.

I should, you know.

Ooh, a suspect arrested in Golden State killer case.

There's a Golden State killer in you?

Yeah.

What did he do?

He raped and murdered.

Damn.

The double.

That's interesting.

They usually double doubles.

Yeah, that's cool.

Maybe they'll figure out who the Zodiac is.

Nah, dude.

Hey, you know who it is?

It's fucking Ted Cruz.

The serial murder and rapist who terrorized California seven days.

Dude, that is so funny.

Dude, that is serious.

Oh, my God.

It's Ted Cruz.

You know what I like?

His jokes that Gawker came up with.

Who's funny?

Those goofballs over at Gawker Media.

They come up with real cool.

The disses, they say, the politics.

They're so good, dude.

There's no way Ted Cruz is going to get over this.

Oh, how about this?

Minions.

Minions are so funny.

Isn't that funny, dude?

Imagine the minions saying Ted Cruz.

That completely.

Imagine one of the minions.

He pops up and he's like, I can have Ted Cruz.

Oh, that's comedy.

It is funny though, that Ted Cruz wrote that thing in time about how cool Donald Trump is.

That is, Donald Trump has just completely fucked that guy in the ass.

And everybody called his wife ugly and his dad killed JFK.

Donald, you are a rat.

Yeah, Donald, you're a liar.

You say something about my wife.

You're really missing.

You're pissing me off.

I'm sorry, sir.

Please fuck my wife.

Donald, you can fuck my bitch.

I forgot.

Maybe you can fuck my bitch.

I forgot about those tweets that he did about Cruz's wife where he's like, hey, hey, Ted, like,

you better be careful.

Otherwise, I'm going to spill the beans on your wife.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God, it sucks that he's ruining the world because he's so funny, dude.

He rocks, dude.

I'm pro-Trump.

I'm going to vote for him.

Donald.

How about that?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, Sean.

Drums.

Vagonald.

Vagonald.

No, N-word Donald.

Isn't that what we decided?

We call him N-word Donald.

Calling the N-word.

What was the other thing we did at the live show?

N-Sync.

Oh, yeah.

But it's

N-word.

Stars, stars, stars.

These fucking people on Instagram say my speakers are going to fall off those mounts.

Bitch, I know what the fuck I'm doing.

They're not going to fall off the fucking mounts.

Nice, dude.

Don't ever question my fucking way.

Why do they know what's going to happen now?

Because you don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

You know what's going to happen now that you're yelling about this?

You're going to get less DMs talking about how shitty your woodworking is.

So, guys, that doesn't bother Nick.

And if you're coming, oh, this is going to fall down.

Suck my fucking dick.

Yeah, tell him.

Get him, Queen.

Go off.

Yes.

People respond to Tom.

Yes, Tom, go off, king.

He just like, if you check his replies, there's not a single sincere reply

ever.

And

he just takes it.

He thinks they're fans.

Some guy DNA thing where he was like, Tom, I listened to this around my kid.

And

he was like, yeah, well, my comedy's not appropriate.

Puts a screenshot of the parental advisory logo.

Yeah, he

does the whole in that news interview.

I guess if no one has ever been honest with you your entire career in comedy,

even the dumbest, stupidest, open micer trolls Tom, dude.

That's what's crazy about him.

Yeah, it's so funny, too, because it's like,

how do you know you're not that?

Yeah, right.

You can never know.

You can never know.

People with an owl.

Well, that's your own sense.

No, no, no, no.

People with an ounce of self-awareness are at least afraid that that's them, right?

They don't know if that's them, but they're afraid it's them.

Tom has absolutely no fear that he could potentially be bad.

He has a whole lot of people.

Did you see that video of him on the local news?

Where

your comedy's got you in trouble before, why do you keep doing it?

And he's like, well, it's really no different than a firefighter going into a burning building.

Nah.

Police officer running to the scene of a crime.

Yeah.

He goes, what?

And he's like, it's my job.

Are you fucking kidding me?

He compares himself to 9-11 post-responsor.

That is a direct quote from Tom.

Yes, dude.

Yeah, it's so good.

He clears his throat first.

Well, it's my job.

And you know he's practiced clearly.

It's no different than saying saying it's my job.

It's no different than...

He emailed them that question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's no different than a firefighter going into a burning building or a

police officer running to the scene of a crime.

Yeah, so you're saying that the fact that you're putting on a comedy show is a horrific tragedy.

And you're addressing it professionally.

It's some sort of massacre that's happening, and you're there to sort of mitigate the damage.

We got to find a way to finesse him into doing the show on Sunday night.

It's no different than a firefighter going into a burning building.

Really, Tom, it's no different.

There is zero difference between the two of those things.

It's just as pressing of a thing that you're doing.

You going on stage and making fun of Paul Revere

is as important as putting a fire out that's killing people.

Those are the same thing.

There's no difference at all between them.

There's no difference.

It's not even a metaphor.

It's just they're the same thing.

It's no different.

I mean,

it's also, it's not your job.

Yeah.

You call Little League.

Your job is to announce Little League games.

Well, he works at

711.

No, he doesn't work.

Yeah, he works.

Yeah, you're serious.

He's somebody's waiter.

Yeah.

It's no different than a waiter spinning in a bucket of onion ring.

You know, it's my job.

It's my job.

Salute to the king.

How much would we have to pay him to do our show?

Five grand?

We won't do it.

That's $5,000.

I think it's worth it, bro.

If we offered him $5,000, I think it's worth it.

Just take it out of Patreon.

Take it out of Patreon.

If I'm already spending that money, then what we've got to do is a podcast is Tom Myers and Uve Ball.

Yes.

We have them both on.

But we're not even on them talking for an hour saving.

That would be

so good.

That's beautiful.

Oh, my God.

That's like a sociological experiment.

I'm going to email Uve and tell him I'll just pay whatever the fuck he wants.

What do you mean?

If he wants the $1,300, I mean, or why don't we just go to Vancouver?

Go to Vancouver?

Let me email him.

And then we should go to Seattle and do a show.

Yeah, let's do it.

Fuck it.

Fucking Nirvana style.

Yeah, that's so much.

That's a better use of our money.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

A little trip to Vankey.

Yeah, we'll do a show.

Vancouver.

Yeah, dude.

They got that BC Krondo, British Columbia weed.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Stinky.

Baby, you can suck.

I love the BC Krondo.

Epico fucked me up, dude.

I got heartburn now.

Yeah, I'm getting

this art, huh?

It's pretty good.

It is good.

I mean, I do think that a sensitive

sort of documentary done about Tom.

Yeah.

Would be incredible.

Dude, a documentary that's just about Tom Myers and Mike Diesel would would be great.

Oh, my God.

I tell you, I am so grateful that I started comedy in D.C.

when I did because there were so many unique

fucked up people

that were doing comedy there that

I've never experienced elsewhere.

Yeah.

You know, other people from, you know, what it was?

It was because it was prior to the comedy boom.

It was.

Yeah.

It was.

You don't remember because you weren't.

In 2000s?

But yeah, I mean,

it was

2005, 2006.

Stand-up comedy was a weird thing from from like the 1980s.

It was like not something that a lot of people were doing.

There were no podcasts.

It was not a thing that people got into.

No, you're right.

You're right.

The entire scene was like me and then white guys in their late 20s that liked comedy and probably had autism.

And that's like what comedy was.

And,

you know, before like everybody.

Yeah, you and those guys.

Yeah.

You and white guys with autism.

I was like, 19-year-olds, 16, 17.

And

I remember distinctly, like, you know, people started showing up years later I'd like asked me like how did you get into comedy like oh no I was listening to a lot of podcasts after college and I thought maybe this looks fun I'll try it whereas like you're right now prior to that it was like oh it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do.

You're absolutely correct.

All the people in comedy were obsessed with comedy and they just wanted to do stand-up comedy.

Yeah.

So that's where you got all those mentally ill people because they were obsessed with comedy and they wanted to do comedy but they were bad at it.

Right.

You know and that's where you know the Toms or whatever the

mentally ill people.

Yeah.

I mean I am.

Yeah, we all are.

No, I mean but not that, like, bad mentally ill.

Yeah,

I'm good mentally ill.

Yeah, no.

But you're good at comedy.

We're all bad mentally because I did it long enough to, you know.

No, no, you had a skill for it.

Well, who cares?

You also have a skill for sucking a mentality.

That's not true.

I don't have any skill at that.

In fact, I've never tried.

Oh, he's trying it.

If we could get

Werner.

Well, now I'm going to argue about it.

If we could get Werner Herzog to go to Baltimore.

No, what we we need to do is get Uve Boll and pretend he's Werner Herzog.

That's it.

That's what we need to do.

Which was already my plan, but you kind of just ruined it by saying that.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't want to let that out of the bag.

That would have been good.

He would have been so mad at that.

Yeah.

If we called him.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know anything about Uve Bol.

I don't know what he would do.

I'm sure he probably did.

He seems like he spends a lot of time in that.

It's like, do you know that scene in Grizzly Man where he listens to the guy that got killed?

It's like you must never play this for anybody.

We should edit that, but he's listening to the baker's transplant.

You must never listen to this.

I'll tell you what, as soon as I publish this, within five minutes,

Shane Vader will have that video.

Shout out to Shane.

Yeah, Shane,

go make that.

Yeah.

Yeah,

right.

Would she have a bong hit transplant?

You must never listen to this tape, dude.

It's horrible.

So funny.

Salute to the king.

Yeah, hopefully we see Tom on our trip to Baltimore.

I do think he is a fascinating, he's a fascinating character.

He was hilarious.

It's like, what?

What?

Moment was funny as shit, too.

Yeah, but all those guys.

T-Brad pretending to be in Ireland.

Remember that shit?

He faked a trip to...

He was like, guys, I'm going to be going to Ireland for a second.

He just posted shit from some guy's Flickr in Ireland.

He was just like in his house in Harford County for two weeks.

I know

the guy that got me too that is on Instagram.

Dave Schauffer, are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah.

We haven't even talked.

It's crazy how we haven't done it.

I can't come.

I got a flat tire.

Well, those tires are good for 60 miles.

Just like argue with me.

Like, okay, let me put it this way: I'm blowing off your show.

Sending his little ass dick the

western Maryland.

Damn, actually, maybe in Baltimore, the live show will

get Uncle Dave.

Uncle Dave comedy.

Yeah.

Fuck, man.

What a beautiful place.

Yeah.

And even the people that are...

Oh, man.

Yeah, I love Baltimore.

Fuck.

They're so stupid.

I love Tommy.

Tommy Simbazzo, just a fucking magician-looking motherfucker.

He grows mushrooms now.

Asking old ladies.

Maybe he doesn't

legally.

Just asking old ladies if they shave their pussy.

Tommy's actually funny, though.

Tommy's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But, dude, that's...

I love that place.

I do think that

we don't talk about Tom because it's just me.

We talk about him because it is

incredible.

He's incredible.

I think about him so much, dude.

I do, too.

My little brothers, I mean, literally, we've talked about going to his, but like, there's no comedian my brothers want to see more.

Like, I remember when I first started doing open mics, then they'd be like, I'm doing a show.

They're like, is Tom Myers on it?

They were 18-year-olds, it was always a treat.

It was always the funniest fucking thing in the world when Tom was on a show.

That time at EJ's Landing, when he's going to be talking shit about the Orioles, and then two people just happen to leave, and he's like, Oh, they can't handle it.

Wanting so bad to be edgy, dude.

I mean, that show, the Heathens and Comedy Show at the Hamilton Arts Collective is still the best show I've ever seen in my entire life.

Nothing will be funnier than watching an hour of Tom Myers start a joke and then fucking Tony Graysick going, Tom Myers, Tom Myers, Tom Myers, and making people chant his name before he can say the punchline.

And then he says the punchline to just chanting his name and people being like, Yeah!

No idea what's going on.

Oh my god.

He doesn't get it at all.

Please tell me if you're listening.

We want to go on the road with you.

We will pay you so well.

Cleveland,

Boston,

Baltimore, all the major cities we're hitting.

Vancouver, Seattle.

All right, well, we're out of time.

So that's it.

Yeah, so anyway, the show.

Come to the fucking show on the 6th, please.

And thanks for coming to Funny Moms on Monday.

It was a great one.

Great show.

And

we'll be back, I think, the 13th.

It is the 14th.

Yeah, the 14th of May.

Bye.

Bye.

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