Ep. 93 – Look Who’s Talking

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Your ring, your way.

Yeah, I guess that is good.

I made a chili last night.

How are you feeling?

Was it good chili?

It was

Texas style.

What do you mean, Texas style?

I don't know.

Is it made from the meat of an executed retarded man?

No, I used ground beef and

then like beef around cubes as well.

The cubes is where it's at.

I don't fuck with the ground beef.

Well, you need some, you need other.

You can't just go all cube.

I like all cube.

Nah, I get some filler meat in in there.

I don't like when it breaks down too much and it just gets like, you know what I mean?

Like the pieces of the ground beef get too small.

Yeah.

If you can get them, keep them together in a nice chunk of ground beef.

That's why sometimes sausage instead of ground beef for that purpose.

Yes.

It stays together better.

It's more flavorful.

You take the casing off the sausage and then break it up and put it in the chili.

And then you wrap it around your cock.

Oof.

And it looks, you've got a nice sheen to it.

You got a nice meaty sheen to your cock if it's encased in

sausage, sausage tubing.

Yeah, and then you fuck.

Put some tubing on your tube.

Tube on the tube, baby.

That's right, brother.

Would you put corn in your chili?

Sometimes I didn't this time, though.

No, just kidney beans.

Do you have a crock pot?

Nope.

How'd you do it?

On the stove?

Yeah, you fry up the

beef with some onions and garlic.

That's right, bitch.

That's nice.

And then you,

you know, get the.

I use half a pint of some kind of Mexican stout and then some

coffee as a base.

Oh, look at this motherfucker.

Tomato sauce.

A little stout and coffee.

That's a hard dick move.

And then you, yeah, a little bit of liquid smoke in there.

Oh,

garlic and onion powder, cumin.

Nicholas, you little motherfucker.

That sounds delectable.

You got some of that in the fridge?

Cayenne.

Yeah, I do.

Leftovers?

Yeah, I mean, you can only make way too much.

Yeah, there's no way you can never, you have to throw chili away at the end of it, or you didn't make enough.

Yeah.

Yeah, a little bit of Regano in there, and then

you use broth?

No, no broth.

You don't use broth?

No broth.

Yeah.

I like to throw a little broth in there.

Chicken?

Chicken?

It depends.

Beef.

Beef to when I'm making a pork.

Last snow, and I made a fucking, I roasted a whole damn pork shoulder back in my pork shoulder days, which are over now, by the way.

Officially, my pork shoulder days are behind me.

But I made a pork shoulder chili, and it was good as

it was so goddamn good.

But I was sickish.

I came to realize I get sick every time I eat pork shoulder, every single time.

And I think it's not good for me.

It hurts me.

What kind of sick?

Like I ate too much of the skin and I would get my stomach would hurt.

I'd eat too much meat.

I can't help myself.

When I got a whole shoulder, what am I going to stop?

Literally, yes.

I would get in the meat sweats and then my stomach would hurt from too much.

No, anytime I get a fucking ham, I just think in my head I'm like a ham that's like three days worth of meat, but but no no it's way more than that well I try to do it in three days for the protein no because ham tastes good yeah dude

it's all it's all fat it's all salt yeah it's all salt and fat it's great to be back

you know what it's not

it isn't

the weather is shit yeah it sucks like fine we're finally at a blizzard season but here we are again and it wasn't even the cool one where it's like you wake up and it's you're snowed in and it kind of feels nice and you're like well fuck it i can't do anything

It's like it was bad.

Like, if it was bad, we just wouldn't have done an episode.

We just would have been like, ah, fuck it.

We do it tomorrow or some shit.

We just snow in.

I don't know.

I don't think that would have been chill.

That would have been fun.

To be late.

Just not do the show.

Oh, you've forgotten to upload it for like a day or two.

Who cares?

This time it'd be a snow day.

Yeah.

People understand it.

You should actually do it tomorrow.

Why?

I got jury summons.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Wait, do you mean you're on trial for sucking up?

Tell them about Cumtown?

How am I going to get out of it?

Yeah, tell them you have to do a podcast.

You're on it.

Is it where are you reporting?

Kings County.

Oh.

Hmm.

Yeah.

I got to call it five today.

See if I actually have to go.

Yeah, because if it's civil and not criminal, those are really easy to get out of.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't know if you tell them.

You do that.

Well, it's because nobody wants to.

I mean, I had to go, and it's like it was all just.

That's where you saw that PlayStation guy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's like, okay, well, this is going to be

an eight-week trial.

Oh.

And it's about like

a company that installs ventilation, their truck backed into like

the front of a retail store and clipped a sign.

So it's like, I don't care about any of the people involved.

It sounds like some bullshit.

I mean, it is.

It's just like some bullshit, you know, dispute between companies that own way too much real estate.

And so.

Yeah, it's civil court.

Yeah.

Nobody, they don't find...

Like, first of all, like, fuck the attorneys for not just getting like a bench trial or whatever.

I don't know why those need to be decided by juries.

Who don't know about

complex business?

It has to be such a long trial is because they have to spend like three weeks being like, well, the thing about Vince is explaining it to retards.

Your Honor, I could never my dick got caught in a fan once, so I can't.

I have to recuse myself.

That's what I would say.

Can I tell them I'm just too sad to be on a jury?

A fan of the show?

Yeah, actually, yeah.

A couple times.

DM me, by the way, it's still true what the doctor said about pussy tooth.

Have you accessed the tooth?

I have not.

I've been in a little funk, not only because of the tooth, but I've just kind of gotten depressed and I haven't tried to fuck.

Yeah.

So I have not, but I'm looking forward to eating pussy toothless.

It is really funny.

I mean, I'm sure everyone's telling you this, but this is the first time I've seen it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look very funny.

Thanks, man.

I like the look.

I have the flipper.

I should have it in, but I'm amongst friends.

Yeah, yeah.

You can be yourself.

Why put the flipper in?

You'd be naked around us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got my titties out for you, boys.

I haven't shaved in a couple days.

I might go beard again.

Uh-oh, beard moment.

For the spring, you're switching it up.

Yeah.

Well, as long as winter's staying.

Oh, I see.

So, yeah, you stop doing the gay mustache.

What gay mustache?

The thin little thin mustache.

You got a normal mustache.

No, that's actually a very masculine mustache.

No, it's incredibly gay.

Gary Cooper.

It's funny.

Stanley Tucci.

A lot of us are very gay.

Stanley Tucci is gay as hell.

No, he's not.

Yeah, huh?

There's no way, dude.

No way, Stanley John Waters, the most famous pencil thin mustache guy.

Oh, you're right.

He crushes the little

it's all up front being gay as hell because he just he has so many paternity cases.

I used to hook up with a girl that really had a mustache.

I used to fuck uh Stanley Tucci.

That was like one of her celebrity crushes.

Really?

Yeah, I don't know why.

Because she likes weak men.

He actually kind of is kind of jacked.

He looks kind of weak.

Nah, I'm fucking around.

I like Stanley Tucci.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who is what is he?

He's not Monk.

Who's that guy?

No, no, that's

Tony Shaloub.

Shaloub.

Yeah.

Yep.

Monk was also in Wings, correct?

Didn't he play Guy in Wings?

You ever watch Wings?

No, I never watched Wings.

I watched like three episodes when I was a child, but it had a real effect on me.

Yeah.

What was it about?

Pilots?

Yeah, it's like some small-town airport or some shit.

It's kind of fun.

I think Emilio Estevez was in it or some guy that looks like him.

Dude,

I did Nikki Glazer's show yesterday.

Oh, how was it?

It was fun.

I like going to Sirius just because it makes me feel like a service.

You feel official.

You feel like walking to Sirius.

They got that $20,000 coffee maker.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

Like an espresso?

No, it's like a Starbucks machine.

It's like a vending machine that just makes Starbucks drinks.

That's sick.

Not the one they had at CPXI, is it?

Yeah, same shit.

Oh, that one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, damn.

I thought I was hoping something more fancy.

Is that still a company?

Child Porn X Extreme International?

I think so.

Anyways, I'm at Nikki's show, and I guess they do like Sway in the Morning right next door.

Hell yeah.

They do, yeah.

So

Forrest Whitaker and Adam, get your phone away from the cord for the mic.

It's

making a noise.

Anyways, yeah, so

it is.

It makes like a click.

I can't.

I know, no, no, I know.

Yeah, Forrest Whitaker and Omar from The Wire were both there.

I was wearing that Andre Steakhouse shirt, so I couldn't go up to them and be like,

Can I get a picture with you guys?

Oh, that would be legendary if you got a picture.

I'd like to explain to them why I'm wearing

like, you know how guys like you

have friends of yours from the old neighborhood.

Tell them you were supporting a black-owned business, dude.

Yeah, that's if I'm not sure.

They probably would have liked you.

Wearing the Black History Month Legion of Skanks shirt.

Don't they have a slave for Legion of History Month?

Well, they have a series of interns that they do not pay.

I think they literally made a

black guy wearing like a hidden necklace or something.

Oh, that's a good thing.

That's smart.

That's a smart

satire.

I love satire.

Yeah.

That's fucking cool, dude.

You should have gone up anyway.

That's middle school teacher in Mississippi.

They got fired.

Yeah, what happened?

She had an ironic podcast.

Yeah, she was doing satire, but that's the thing, man.

It's like the people that legitimately are doing satire get a bad rap because the people that aren't keep saying it's satire.

And it's like, come on, man.

Just be racist.

Yeah.

It's a good business to do.

Just go and

all of your contemporaries are just like, no, this isn't satire.

We're racist.

Those are people you're friends with that, you know,

that you talk to all the time.

Just go ahead and do it.

Stop fucking over the simple folk like me.

Exactly.

Was she actually doing satire, or was she racist?

She said she was doing satire.

She was definitely racist, though, right?

Probably.

I mean, I haven't looked into it at all, but I started, I almost clicked on the link, and then underneath it, there was like another story about a sexy teacher that fucked a kid.

So I clicked on that one.

And she was hot, dude.

Yeah, they're always hot.

She was really, she was particularly hot.

It's never some busted ass, like Mary Kay Laterna was a piece of ass, dude.

A hot piece of ace.

Yeah.

And then this picture, particular picture, she was wearing a very small, like

bikini bottom.

And you could see not pussy, but like a part of the surrounding pussy area that you normally don't see in a bikini.

No, not lips, but just like regular skin.

It is just skin, but it's like very close to the lips.

Side pussy fat.

Side pussy fat.

I don't think she should have been teaching a class dressed like that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very inappropriate.

Yeah, it's never a hot, it's never like a, I mean, it's never an ugly, it's never like a Miss Trunchbull type.

No, it's like a 25-year-old, like just recent big old titties I would like if college grad I mean I bet you sometimes no you know what it probably is but the kid's too embarrassed to admit he fucked her like only the hot ones get out because they're like yeah I fucked her dog I get sucked up by the ugly teacher you're not fucking bragging because they talk too much yeah yeah I guess that is how they get caught yeah somebody loose lips yep sinks ships loose lips let little boys dicks enter them

that was cool that they were slut-shaming women into

you know fucking fucking children.

Yeah, they're saying if you're a whore you're helping the Nazis.

That's what that poster was.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

What?

What?

What?

Bruce Lips Syncs shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's that's pretty cool.

I, I, uh, we had a sex scandal at my high school, my senior year.

One of the gym coaches, he fucked his teaching assistant.

Oh, that doesn't count.

She was hot.

Yeah.

Teaching assistant?

No, no, no.

She was a student.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, wait.

She was assisting him.

She was a high school?

She was a high school student.

Okay.

She was 17.

How old was he?

He was like in his

late 20s, early 30s.

He was cool, dude.

Was he cool?

He was really cool.

Was he jacked?

No, he had like a cool goatee, though.

Cool goatee.

Yeah.

He wore a lot of golf polos.

What happened to him?

Went to jail.

Oh, goddamn, bro.

Really?

He went to jail, yeah.

You go to regular child molesting jail?

You fuck a 17-year-old?

Yeah, yeah, for being cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's not cool.

If they see you in a leather jacket,

it's a regular prison, but all the rooms are connected by those tubes from Chuck and Jesus.

Yeah, dude.

I can't go out today.

I'm doing a solitary confinement in the ball pit.

Yeah.

I'm getting my nuts.

I got raped in the shoe rack.

Do you hear about this?

But a hand in each shoe.

Yeah.

You know that rapper 6ix9ine, Takashi?

So, like, he raped a kid.

No, he didn't.

He did.

He had sex with a 13-year-old girl.

I think, well, from what I heard, Shutt told me, basically, so if this is wrong, blame Ryan Shutt.

Okay.

That his friend was fucking a child, and he slapped her ass.

Oh, okay.

So that's,

I mean, it's bad.

It is different than raping a kid.

I mean, it's not good.

Yeah, but there's like all these videos of like gangbangers in different cities.

Like, so I saw one from like these gangbangers in San Antonio that's like, yeah, like, it's prison rules.

Like, no, no child predators in our city.

Like, we're going to fucking kill you if you come over here to San Antonio.

Really?

They'll kill him.

They'll, like, rape him and kill him, I guess.

But

he is, I mean, that rainbow hair.

It's, yeah.

In prison, you probably want to,

you'd probably want to fucking make him get a haircut.

You think so, Yankees?

Cut your damn hair, boy.

Yeah.

Do they make you get a haircut in prison?

No, I think that's the military.

Yes.

You could have long hair in prison?

There's plenty of people.

Charles Manson has long hair.

Sure.

There's like a bunch of people.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, there's no dressing up.

You can have a swastika tattooed on the middle of your head in prison.

Oh, that's permanent.

You can basically do whatever you want in prison.

Sounds pretty cool, actually.

Except for go outside.

Can you play video games?

Yeah.

If you can play video games,

Jordans.

If you're Anders Brevik, you can.

Who's that again?

PlayStation 2.

He's the

Norway.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sounds pretty cool he's wait he's got a ps2 that's guest game ps2 yeah that was his complaint is that they didn't give him newer video games that he has to play like twisted metal black that's what i that's hard time right there

um yeah okay cool nick what what's you depressed or something you're

fine oh okay yeah

Stop doing good?

No, I mean, I'm not doing that good, but I'm fine.

Yeah.

I really missed you guys.

I know, man.

Yeah, this weather too.

This weather sucks, dude.

I know.

It's a bummer.

Did you, were you, you weren't here for that 77-degree day?

No, I was...

Oh, no, that was the day we were cruising around Astoria, remember?

No, I was by myself on my bicycle.

I guess it was the day before then?

We had that day out, hanging.

We were looking at ladies' titties and shit.

Oh, yeah.

You know what?

We did hang out.

And then

I biked to,

I guess, the Lower East Side and got a massage.

That's right.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Well, that makes two of us then.

No, no, no.

I've gotten

lower Manhattan massages.

No, I didn't know.

No, I just get massages under 14th Street, Manhattan.

Yeah.

I get massages in Lower Manhattan.

That's what I call my nuts.

You get massages under 14 years old

for bad.

We don't want you coming through to San Antonio.

Tony, China, the Chinese child.

That's what that song's about originally.

Sex with a Chinese

children.

Bare naked four-year-olds.

Yeah, weird choice for the Shrek soundtrack.

Sheakity China, the Chinese children.

You pull your dick out and they start a sucking.

Yeah.

Huh?

Mm-hmm.

What do you think of that one?

Just like that, chapstick.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I think I'm going to go back to Baltimore for my mommy's B-Day.

Yeah.

When's your your mom's birthday?

It's Friday.

Oh.

But I'm going.

Are you in Philly this weekend?

No, next weekend.

Next weekend.

Next weekend, March 317, Saturday.

Good, Good Comedy Theater.

Two shows.

The first show's about to sell out, and if it does, we will add a third show.

So come out and get your nuts sucked.

And so right now, the 8 o'clock's almost sold out.

Or the 8.30, then at 10 o'clock, and then maybe an 11.30.

Stop the after dark, bitch.

But yeah, this weekend, I think I'm going to go

hang out avoid my father.

Yeah.

How much time are you doing there?

45 to an hour.

Yeah.

I've been still doing that, the House of Blues show.

In Boston?

Yes.

And I was like, you know, hoping maybe I'd write a new

at least 15

beforehand.

I'd say I got about 10.

I feel the same way.

I really don't want to have to go in and do a bunch of old shit.

You also should catalog your old shit, though, dude.

I have been.

I started organizing everything.

You should release a fucking special, dude.

Come Town Records.

Yeah.

All those bits about

things like the blind side, very topical style.

People

definitely remember.

You should do a CD of topical jokes you can't do anymore.

That's kind of funny.

And just release it for like a dollar.

2007.

My classic will never elect a black man

or a woman.

I'm still half right.

Well, I guess three quarters right?

You know, if you really think it's true, true, no, I guess

that it would be one quarter correct.

If I say we never elect a black man or a woman for president, and we elect a half black guy, then I am a quarter incorrect.

So three quarters correct.

Three quarters correct.

Which is what I said.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I'm the math genius, it turns out.

I was the only one who knew the difference between me and me and me.

I'm a math genius with a tiny penis.

Oh, no.

No.

Ruler to get the centimeters.

I do measure my cock in centimeters.

That's well documented.

Why?

Because you're Greek?

No, yeah, well, because you get more numbers that way.

You do bigger numbers when it goes centimeters.

Yeah, you get one of those rulers with like picas on it.

A weird tiny inch.

Yeah, what's the smallest kind of inch?

Millimeter.

Besides your penis, Adam.

My penis?

Is it picas, right?

I don't know.

What is a pica?

It's a

microscope.

It's a unit of measurement for.

No, because millimeter, that's all the metric system.

But imperial numbers have numbers smaller than

an inch or units smaller than an inch.

And I think it's picas.

I'm not sure, though.

To measure how long Adam fucks.

Yeah.

You can't measure it in a distance.

Yes, you can.

In light years.

Each pump.

Each pump is distance.

Oh, how long the actual thrust, every thrust.

Yeah.

I'd like to know my measurements.

That kind of would be fun.

After every time you fuck, you see, like, the analytic

of how much like your KD ratio.

It happens when you're fucking 13 year old boys online are calling you the N-word.

I'd like to see how long I just got

Sex Have Live.

Sex Have Live?

What do you got there, pal?

People tweeting me.

They're receiving their t-shirts.

Oh, yeah.

Someone told me they bought a couple Italian chromosome shirts.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

That's great.

They're going to be strolling around town in them.

I saw a guy in a Come Town pin yesterday.

Yeah, those are the pieces.

Oh, yeah.

He made those.

Those are really nice.

This guy, Charlie.

Yeah.

Strike Gently Co.

Yeah, they're like gold or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He hit me up a couple months ago about making them.

Yeah, I think he DM'd me that he was going to do it.

Can he make me a gold tooth?

Send us some.

Yeah.

Can he make me a gold tooth?

Yeah, and make Stav a

gold tooth.

I want a fang.

You should have like a little cometown in the middle of the tooth.

Yeah.

I want a little splosh of cum.

My mom called me and she was like, because my mom works at a dental lab.

She found out I was toothless and she was like,

You'll never believe one time what one guy asked to have on his tooth.

He wanted to draw a dick.

I was like, what?

And she's like, don't do anything like that.

She was like, my mom had to call me to tell me not to get a dick on my tooth.

It was pretty fucking cute.

Yeah.

It's also, I feel like she's opening up, you know?

I think becoming,

having a cum podcast has made my mom feel like she could say whatever to me.

Yeah.

So.

Yeah, my parents, my dad was telling doctors and nurses about cum.

That's how you get respect, dude.

For guys, everybody doesn't know Adam had to go home to get a penis.

Reduction.

No.

Reduction.

Reduction.

That was not a problem.

That was reduction.

There's no way to make it bigger, but they thought maybe they could straighten it out.

At least make it look less curly and scrunched up.

I had a most little scrunched-up cock of all time.

I had a penis.

It looks like somebody

neurotically unfolded a paper clip.

But very small.

Same thickness, though.

Yeah.

But very small.

Well, I'm glad you guys like my new dick.

Yeah, it's kind of cute, dude.

Adam's lock pick set dick.

Hey, Adam, I forgot my keys again.

Could you come over and kind of let me in, pal?

Yeah, that's true.

No, I'm working on a bank vault right now.

You're one of of the guys in Oceans 69.

I'm in the girls' oceans, the new one.

Your dick is small enough that you're technically a girl.

So you're the lockpick expert.

Non-binary.

I saw the.

Did you guys watch the Oscars?

I watched it.

Yeah, I watched the Oscars.

I watched it with Matteo at the stand.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys love the Oscars.

Gary Oldman won

for a movie that I've never heard of.

He looked so stupid.

He played Churchill.

Well, I didn't know what the movie was, so behind him is just pictures of him in a fat suit acting upset.

Yeah.

And it's like, what is this movie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It looked like if they did a like British Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all the fucking clumps.

Yeah, it felt like Eddie Murphy.

It felt like clumps.

It felt like Eddie Murphy.

Remember that movie where he played the midget?

Little Feet or whatever the fuck it's called?

Yeah.

I don't know, but fuck the Oscars innocence.

The funniest part was when the makeup guy for that movie won, because he made him look like Churchill and it was a Japanese guy and he's like, I want to thank gay old man.

He looked stupid as fuck, dude.

Well, I just like that the.

I mean, in Hollywood, always does this.

Apparently, he's me too,

by the way.

He was a guy.

A rapist?

They're saying that he's a bad boy.

Who, the makeup guy?

Very old man.

The Japanese makeup guy.

Come on, give me some pusaru.

Well, yeah, I mean, I guess that's what it is.

And, you know, everybody knows this, but.

It's like this industry just harbors pedophiles and rapists for 100 years.

It's in a business built on literally raping people.

And then because they got caught, now they take turns going on stage, handing each other tiny little statues, going like, we're at the forefront of stopping sexual results.

I'm sorry, but the people that work at Best Buy aren't raping each other.

That's awkward.

That's solely you.

This is you doing

a set example for the world

by finally

pretending like everyone else does the thing that we do.

Oh, fuck, dude.

They're all pigs.

They're all fucking horrific pigs.

Well, congratulations to Kobe Bryant from going from the one industry you could be a rapist to the other industry.

No, I don't know that.

Right.

There's a lot of

effed the hell out of that poor woman.

I like that he essentially won an Oscar for, like, he basically won a letter writing contest.

He wrote a, gave him a fucking Oscar for writing the best letter to the editor

about himself.

About an exit service.

He wrote it.

He filled out one of those comment cards about Helsinki Neal, about the NBA.

And also, it sucked.

Did you see the actual thing?

The animation

sucked.

Yeah.

It was like the snowman.

The music was good.

It was John Williams.

And the letter wasn't bad.

Shut up.

It sucked.

Fuck you.

Dear basketball.

Come on.

You know.

And there were some problems in Colorado, Dear basketball.

No, he never talked to me.

It sucked.

I was a whore accused me of something I did not do.

So what?

I helped myself to some asshole, even though she told me I could not.

That's not my fault.

Anyway,

basketball was fun.

Got to go.

That was fun.

The Jadica's line.

Why did Kobe got to put it in the ass?

Yeah, yeah.

And why?

Yeah, Kobe.

So anyway, congrats to him for being a double rapist.

And Frances McDorman seemed like she was like

completely unhinged.

Yeah, on drugs.

My girl gets fucked up on dabs.

She thought she was going to really close it with like her closing line, and it just bombed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When the closer line was.

She's like,

last thing,

inclusion

clause.

And then it was just like, is the speech over?

And then she walked off stage.

I'm sorry, are you a fucking lawyer now?

Yeah.

You think that

that's in any way legal?

What is that?

Demand that if you want to work on something, you have to hire people of my race.

Yeah, I'm so raised.

Yeah, right, right.

It's weird, yeah.

I'm all for it, dude.

Yeah, get more cute fat boys.

That's the thing.

And that movie wasn't.

That movie wasn't.

Three Billboards is completely overrated.

Yeah, it wasn't that big.

I mean, it was an entertaining movie, but the way people were sucking its dick, it's like, this is not.

Well, because I think it was like rape adjacent.

Call Me By Your Name was the best movie that came out.

It was really good.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And I did not get hard.

A little bit

in the slightest.

Did you get any money?

My dick was asleep.

Did you get any money because they made your life story into a movie, Adam?

Actually, I didn't.

No.

Wow.

So if there are any lawyers listening, that's fucked up.

My summer in Italy was mine.

It's like, you don't deserve that kind of shit, dude.

I haven't seen it yet, but I feel like you don't deserve those kind of sweet dickings that that kid, that Timothy Chalamay got.

Yeah, Timothy Charlemagne the God.

Shamalay.

Shamalay.

Timothy Shamuel Malay.

It sounds like he's pronouncing it wrong.

Chalamay.

Is his name Timothy, too?

Yeah, Timothy.

Timothy Mosgow.

Timothy Mazgow.

Yeah.

What are they beat off in a peach in that movie or something?

He jacks off in a peach.

And then he eats the peach.

And then they gave it to a woman that jacks off in a fish.

Wait, did he eat the peach?

Yeah, he eats the peach.

His own cum?

Yeah, yeah.

I was at

some bar.

It was the guy's cum, the music was a little bit more.

There's a girl that listens to the show, walked in, and she looked familiar, I guess, or whatever.

Anybody talked to her?

She came and sat down, and she was reading the book, and she had the Call Me By Your Name book.

And I was like, let's go to the part where you eat the peach part.

And I opened the book and found it within like four seconds.

Whoa, you've got a fucking sixth cents, dude.

Yeah.

For fucking literature about cum.

A guy eating his own cum, they can spot it

pretty quickly.

It's like when a dog can fucking smell cancer in somebody, you can find cum in a book.

Yeah.

You know?

Is the dog smelling cancer or peanut butter?

I don't know.

It's like

you want to know how I found out I had dick cancer.

It's my dog.

I found out I had testicular cancer because

for whatever reason, my dog just kept licking my balls and my dick

just all day long.

What is it, boy?

What is it?

Trouble down at the old warehouse?

What is it, Lassie?

And it turns out my wife also had pussy and asshole cancer.

There's a little boy down in the well that needs to get fucked.

Just a guy running up to the well with Lassie and his dick covered in peanut butter.

Where's that boy?

He's shimmying because there's fucking pants are around his ankles.

Have you ever had a dog lick your balls while you're having sex with a woman?

No.

No.

So you have?

Never mind.

You have and tell us the story.

Yep.

This just happened.

Just recently.

Icy's done.

I had a cat

lick my ass.

Icy's licked my balls.

Really?

Yeah.

Cats have shitty tongues, though.

Like

a man in a Garfield costume.

Yeah, while it's having sex with us.

Yeah, dude.

At Anthrocon a couple years ago.

That was.

When did I see lick your your balls?

It's happened a couple times.

Really?

Yeah, you just forget about Icy being there.

Yeah, dude.

Dogs do that, and they're like, this is revenge for Westminster.

There's a portion where an English guy eats a dog's ass and tastes the better-tasting dog.

That's part of the scoring system.

I was trying to write a bit for Stand Up today about, like,

you know, we're doing all this Me Too shit.

When are we going to call out the fucking

guy from the Westminster dog show that just touches all those dogs?

Probably the most horrific sex criminal in all of entertainment.

Nobody's stopping him.

I might.

Why stop him?

Too many people's jobs are on the line.

That's why.

That's true.

It's a whole industry.

Yeah, big dog show.

Do they actually see how good their balls are?

Yeah, he smells it.

It takes a big asshole and puts you with it.

Do you weigh their nuts?

Whoever's got the heaviest nuts wins?

Yeah, that's a different kind of dog show.

How much do you think your balls weigh if you put them on a scale?

My balls?

A couple pounds?

Nah, not a couple pounds.

It's your adult.

The adult weight.

The adult weight of your balls is the same weight you were as a baby.

No, as a newborn.

I did have big-ass balls as a baby, but they're even bigger now, baby.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

I mean your entire ball.

So whatever you were.

Yeah.

I'm nine pounds, seven ounce balls.

You're a big baby.

Yeah, I was.

Wow.

Wow.

That's crazy.

Minus seven pounds.

Okay.

All right.

Well, we don't need to hear ball ball.

Guys, guess what?

It's break time, and I want to take this opportunity to talk to you about a new underwear.

I love what I'm wearing.

Matt, you work for heavy balls?

No.

I mean, yes.

You work for any kind of ball.

Don't ask questions.

You can contribute, but don't ask questions.

Have fun.

Say what you want.

You know how to talk to your audience better than anyone else.

No rules, but there are.

Just don't use the word undies or talk negatively.

Oh, dude, you can't bar this part.

I'm reading the wrong part of it.

I know.

Don't run this one.

No, it's fine.

They said don't say a couple words and you said them.

Bleep them out.

It's fine.

No, you know, this is a kind of loose, you know, sort of avant-garde style of marketing that Mac Weldon appreciates.

And is the reason Mac Weldon?

Company willing to do business.

God bless them.

God bless Mac Weldon.

My heavy-ass nuts feel great in it.

No, they really are comfortable underwear, and it's much easier to shop on MacWeldon.com than our website, where you can buy overpriced t-shirts made with terrible fabrics with atrocious design.

Mac Weldon's website is very easy to use.

It actually

is a secured server, so you don't have to worry about your information getting stolen, which is not the case on Come,

where you can buy a thing on Comte.

Cobby Shop is secure, by the way.

No, it's not.

Mac Weldon believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

They're the most comfortable underwear that you can buy right now.

I can't guarantee that in the future there won't be some sort of underwear that sucks your dick.

But right now.

That sounds good.

Are they working on any prototypes?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to put their business out there, but they may be working on underwear that sucks your dick.

They got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means they eliminate odor.

And they want you to be comfortable.

So if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can return it and they will refund you.

No questions asked.

Not only does Mac Weldon underwear, socks, shirts, and pants look good, they perform well too.

They're good for working out, going to work, going out on dates, or just everyday life.

Everyday life, dude.

Sitting at home, watching, you know,

queer eye for the straight guy, your all-right, you know, video podcasts, whatever you're doing.

So go to to MacWeldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMETOWN.

That's all capital letters, C-U-M-T-O-W-N, MacWeldon.com.

Check them out.

And we're back.

And we're back.

Yeah.

I did mention, if you want to

buy Andre's steakhouse merchandise, because a lot of people, my policy has always been: if you want to fucking make money off the name of this show, go for it.

I don't give a shit, you know?

But

there was enough people that asked, so I went ahead and I put up a store.

It's come.town, if you want to buy those shirts.

Which

the prices are high, but it's all drop shipping.

And what does that mean?

Third drop shipping?

Third-party fulfillment.

So I don't see any of the merchandise.

I don't have inventory.

You buy it.

The cost of the items is debited from my bank account.

It comes out of my bank account.

And then...

Can you move your phone away from me?

Oh, fuck.

I keep doing that in my bed.

Yeah, it's all right.

Yeah, the money comes out of my bank account, and then once it finally ships, then the difference is like credited.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's actually,

it's been a huge mistake.

It seems horrible, yeah.

Yeah, because now I have like

a million different charges all over my fucking card.

I have to pay taxes on all of that.

Oh, fuck that.

I have to pay sales tax now.

And every individual.

C's my guy, dude.

You probably owe sales tax, too.

If you get audited, you're going going to get fucked.

No, no, he does all the sales tax on his end.

Yeah.

All right, something's causing this thing to make sure that.

Should we pause and figure it out?

No, it's fine.

Is it still buzzing?

No, it just stopped.

I mean, it's been fine the entire time, but it just started doing it.

I'm going to put my phone even further away.

I don't know if it's the phone or.

It's probably my heavy-ass nuts.

It's probably my

problem on the episodes we were doing at your place.

So

I'll just say that much.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

There's a new variable.

It's all my starved Davids.

It's the Masuzza.

It's all my Masuzzza.

And what is that?

That lets other vampires know?

Ward off other vampires?

Yeah, it's just to say that the blood has already been sucked dry out of this place.

There's no real living creatures here.

Yeah.

It lets criminals know that

this is probably a house that's going to put up a fight.

This is where.

Yes.

Some real alpha men.

Are you ready to watch Death Wish?

The new one.

The new one with Bruce Willis.

Yeah.

Is it going to be good, do you think?

I'm definitely going to see it.

It's definitely like,

you know.

I read online that it's just a disgusting white male fantasy.

That's what I think it is.

What?

So I will not be supporting that movie.

I'm not going to pay for it, but I will see it.

Charles Bronson was queer.

Well, he's Mongolian.

I refuse to see a movie where a white man does anything except apologize.

That would be good.

Yeah.

Sway's in Death Wish, your friend Sway.

My friend Sway, who came up to me and was like, yo, I got to say mad respect for your shirt.

Black-owned businesses.

I do.

Have you been watching Queer Eye, Adam?

Oh, yeah.

Did you see the episode?

Did you remember that episode of that fucking stand-up comic, dude?

That guy.

What a fucking looser.

Dude, he had such little charisma.

How do you know he doesn't listen to comic?

Dog, what do you want me to do about it?

He put it out there.

Like, those guys liked a cop that was a Trump supporter.

Yeah.

And like,

a 30-year-old Open Micro has lower charisma than that guy.

It was brutal.

Yes.

And he's probably not getting any cheeks.

Everyone else got cheeks.

He kissed that girl at the end of the episode.

Brutal.

Yeah.

Was she hot?

No.

She was the kind of girl that you'd hook up with prior to the podcast.

That's not true.

I did very well.

I just didn't fuck that much, but it was still quality.

She was one of those Renaissance fair kind of girls.

Oh, no, thanks.

A stop classic.

I don't know.

And it's not a stop classic.

That's in the Sula wheelhouse.

Thank you very much.

The what?

Eldis Sula.

Oh, oh, oh.

Eldis was slamming some

horrific horse back in the day.

I like a girl that smells like body ogre.

A nice dirty laundry renaissance girl.

He was dating some like,

I think, pastry chef that would eat his ass.

Could you imagine eating Eldis' ass?

With the hat on.

Jesus Christ.

The chef boy RD hat on.

Jesus Christ.

That's the way I like it.

Fuck.

But I want to go on queer eye, dude.

Yeah, you dress too good, though.

You have good style.

Fuck.

Yeah.

And it's not going to give me a haircut.

Yeah, they can't make you skinnier in three days.

Someone sent me a post, I guess, on 4chan Fashion Advice.

People were asking whether this show is a fashionable one, which is like, I can't.

What show?

Our show.

Where we're fashionable.

And it's like, I.

We are fashionable.

No.

Actually, it was funny.

They said me and Stav dress well, but you're a try-hard fashion.

They're not wrong about that.

That's not that.

You try real hard to look cool.

I'm quoting what they said.

You try hard by wearing Mountain Dew sleeveless shirts.

I'm not trying.

I just think it's a funny shirt.

Yeah, it is.

First of all, this is not

a fashion.

This is what the fashion police fashion right now.

This is what the fashion police are for.

Adam is mad, dude.

You're fucking mad as shit.

Wait till April.

That's all I'm going to say.

Wait till April.

I'm going to be saucing the soda.

You're going to see me stunning.

Whatever, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Because what you're describing.

Don't say it.

What you're describing definitely doesn't fall in.

They couldn't spin that.

Yeah, they're going to love that.

They're going to love my.

I guess our point is that you look like everyone else in Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Which is what you're going for.

I don't know if I'm going for it, but yeah, there are a lot of guys that look like me in Brooklyn.

I'm sweatsuits.

And like you too.

You're not like a fucking unique look.

I'm not trying to look like anything.

I just have cleaning.

Nick has a very unique thing.

Nick has a very utilitarian.

I'm wearing moleskin pants from Amazon that I found because I googled

what kind of pants to wear in Antarctica

because I wanted the warmest pants I could get.

I'm looking like a cute little bitch in my all black sweatsuit.

I don't know about you guys.

Champions back.

What do you think's next?

Everlast?

Probably Everlast.

No, Russell.

Russell Athletic?

Yeah, no, Starter.

I think it's actually Starter came back a while ago.

Is it?

Yeah, it sort of had a little comeback.

I don't know.

I love Champion.

I was always a Champion boy in my youth.

I think they were like a cheap brand somewhere.

Yeah, it's sort of Walmart with the Mojels for a second.

It's sort of the Mojave.

The XFL, they were champion.

Were they?

Oh, yeah.

I just watched the XFL documentary.

That shit was so tight.

I remember beating off to the cheerleader party.

I used to have a rotting smart chip.

He hate me, Tracy.

You beat off to it?

There were some steamy parts to that shit, dude.

But for like three seconds on screen before they go back to the Las Vegas Outlaws versus I think you could find LA demonstration on the internet.

I loved the XFL, dude.

I loved it too.

I just watched the documentary.

It'd be great if the XFL was like a more extreme version of the NFL.

So instead of like the Washington Redskins, it's just like the Washington, like NFL.

The XFL.

No.

Hardcore.

You're only allowed if you beat your wife.

The New York giant faggots.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's pretty extreme, dude.

What else?

What else?

What could be more extreme?

Just more slurs that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Buccaneers are just like the straight-up gun-in-the-mouth rapists.

Just toothless gun-in-pussy and asshole rapists.

Hell yeah.

Jameis Winston is a rapist.

It's the whole shirt.

He's named straight up.

Yeah.

Gun in the pussy and ass rapist.

The damp

straight up.

Gun in the pussy and ass rapist.

Both swords that

cut a slit in between your pussy and asshole so I can fucking both my goddamn arms.

The Miami Japanese guys that kill dolphins.

You know?

Yeah, the Cove boys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know if that's extreme enough.

Is that not extreme killing dolphins?

What if you fucking raped the dolphins with one gun in their pussy?

Well, the Buccaneers are the rapists because Buccaneers are pirates, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So pirates are rapists.

So this would have to be an extreme type of dolphin.

Yeah, it's an extreme.

So the sharks.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you're right.

Which was the team on any given Sunday, the Miami Sharks.

They got to be gay, too.

Yeah, well, that's a pretty gay movie.

That was a good ass movie.

The Cleveland Browns have the same head.

The San Diego Chargers are the San Diego charging their Samsung gallery.

Ah, woo!

Yer!

So ready to blow up.

Yeah, that's good.

We're not topping that.

Yeah.

The 49ers or the

full planets.

No, I was trying to think like Prospector.

I was going to tell you, what year did the Civil War start?

But wasn't that also at that time?

49?

No.

60 or 99.

No, it was in the 60s.

What about getting, what about the

Civil War ended in, what, 1960 or 1862?

1864, I think.

I don't know.

I have no fucking idea.

I think it was 60 to 64.

I'm probably wrong.

No, I don't know.

I think that's my guess.

It's gay.

It is gay.

Fuck the Civil War, dude.

Sorry.

Dude, it was in the 60s, bro.

Free love.

Yeah, free love.

I'm Lincoln.

The dawning of the age of Aquarius.

Let's see.

What else?

Fuck maybe.

It's the same thing as the Buccaneers, but with those little mining hammers instead of the Cardinals, it's the

Cardinals that were just moved to another city.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

After raping

the recently relocated Cardinals.

The mysteriously relocated Cardinals.

The Father John's on sabbaticals.

Instead of the Rams, it's the

Rams that had a trailer hitch with a rope attached to the trailer.

Oh,

God damn it.

Rams.

It's the XFL.

Yeah, it is.

Extreme.

That is, that's by definition.

It's the most extreme.

Yeah.

What else do we do?

Seahawks?

I'm going to do the Seahawks.

The Ravens.

There's a lot of birds.

Raven Simone's nude pictures from the Fappening.

Now you've gone too far, Nick.

Actually, I would definitely look at those.

Who am I going to do?

I certainly would.

I thought you were against looking at Fappening pictures.

I mean, I'm talking body type.

Oh, body type.

Yeah, yeah.

If they were presented, I'd fuck Raven Simone, is what I'm saying.

You would?

Is she Lesy?

How about the Atlanta Jonah Falcons?

Everyone has to have a lot of people.

They have plants in their pants all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that one.

The

Denver White Broncos, right?

Oh, easy.

That's easy money, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Perfect.

Cincinnati Bengals.

How about the instead of

the Seattle

Seahawks, Sutcox?

I'm on a Seahawk diet.

I don't know.

What about Bengals, Bengali guys on a bus committing rape in India?

Yeah, just

Bengali's a type of Indian, right?

Something like that.

It's the type of person from Bangladesh.

Oh, okay.

Right?

I guess, yeah.

Who fucking cares?

Yeah, but you know, the same type of flavor of bus rape over there, I would assume.

I'm sure, yeah.

Bangladesh.

I mean,

look the same.

I've got some more here.

Come on.

All right.

How about the Dallas Buyers Club?

Houston Club.

Cowboys?

All right.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, but what's the more extreme version of the Cowboys?

You can't just say Dallas Buyers Club.

Some about killing Indians?

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

What the fuck is this goddamn noise?

Is it the AC adapter?

No, it's something.

It's like somebody's phone or something.

My shit, I threw my shit in the phone.

I threw my shit in the river.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Houston.

Texans that are being executed for being mentally retarded.

Yeah, retarded.

Let's see.

Philadelphia Eagles.

The Nazi Eagle.

That's good.

Yes.

The one holding the swastika.

Yes, yes.

We both had the eagle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And honestly, theirs looked a lot cooler.

It was cool.

It was more aesthetically.

That shit was fucking tight.

Yeah, well, Nazis had very good taste.

Yeah.

In people and clothes.

Which races should be around.

Yeah.

Remember when Trump got elected, Adam, and you were legitimately afraid there was going to be another Holocaust?

Oh, that was a bit.

No, it wasn't.

there might still be, dude.

It wasn't.

Honestly, after driving here in the snow through that fucking acidic neighborhood,

I could be convinced.

Yeah, go to it.

It was horrible, dude.

These fucking Mahasid bus drivers tried to cut across two lanes of traffic to make a right.

Yeah, I mean, then you understand it.

Imagine you're trying to use the newly created Audubon.

You can go 130 miles per hour on it.

It's filled with school buses, empty school buses

and full

TV vans cutting people off and blocking the bike lane.

That's right.

Well, you can't go faster than me if you have bike.

I have to block the bike lane because I'm culturally spiteful.

I have to prevent people on a bicycle from getting to where they need to be faster than me

because I only understand spite.

Yeah, if you had caught me in those 10 minutes, I could have been radicalized, but I guess I'm back now.

Now that I'm in the home of a nice Jewish friend of mine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks.

I don't know, it's kind of light on snacks here, to be honest with you.

I am a little, I could use a dessert if I'm being honest.

I was pretty upset when I got over here and there was no snacks happening.

Yeah,

sorry,

literally cooked over for 10 minutes.

Are there any cookies?

A couple days ago, and eat an entire bag of lace

and then leave.

You know better than to have that salt and vinegar.

I went grocery shopping.

That's gamer fuel for me.

Yeah, dude.

And then you were like, come over and eat your fucking chips.

Snack this, what is it?

Prima snackdash.

Prima snack this.

It's my house.

You can't prima snack this me in my own house.

Well, fat guys get prima snacks.

First of all, I've colonized your house.

Uh-oh, fuck.

And I have fat rice of prima snacks.

The sun never sets on my fucking empire.

My breakfast empire.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I really do want to.

I feel like Bob Evans should have a flag.

I've never been to a Bob Evans in my life.

Is that the Canadian?

Is it actually good?

No.

Okay.

But I'm down to have a little breakfast buffet.

Okay.

You fuck with buffets, right?

I'm like, oh, fuck, come on.

I love buffets.

Yeah, which

sorry.

You guys could go.

I just feel it.

Feels nice, too.

Be back.

Yeah, I do love buffets, though.

Yeah, we should go to a breakfast buffet.

I would like to go to that kind of buffet.

We should go to an Indian buffet.

Weren't we talking about doing that?

Yeah.

Let's do that.

The one we went to on the Johns Hopkins campus.

What did they do?

They like, I bought some like endless tea, and then they took away the tea immediately.

Yeah, what was that?

Yeah, that was bullshit.

That place sucked.

And then we went back and watched Sam Hyde videos.

That was fun.

That was a great day.

There's a good one by me if you guys want to do the bonus on Sunday in Australia.

In Astoria, we go get a little Indian buffet.

There's some good ones in the East Village or in Murray Hill.

Is it in Murray Hill?

I don't know.

You said it.

You're the one.

On the east side,

there's like a stretch of Indian restaurants.

Yeah, but I don't know if any of them are buffets.

No, we need that buffet, baby.

I've been to a couple of them, but they're like cafeteria style and they're fucking disgusting.

Yeah, this one's nice, but see, what I miss about the buffets from Baltimore was just the size, the sprawl.

Here it's like it is a buffet, but it's everything's on three seats.

Oh, yeah, it's like crowded.

The places I used to go to with Cubis

balcony seating

so you can watch the other patrons of the buffet.

The fattest people are in the center, and everyone else gets to watch them.

There are a ton of Indians, right, in Texas.

I guess.

Randomly?

I don't know.

You know, I don't pay attention to things like that.

I do.

I like to keep lists.

Yeah, I know

your natural enemy is a Jewish person.

Well, they are more wealthy than us.

Are they?

I think they're the Indians.

Indian Americans in particular.

Yeah.

Their average household income is like $110,000.

It's like $100,000.

It's over $100,000.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And they own every subway.

Have you noticed that?

And Dunkin' Donuts.

Yeah, and Dunkin' Donuts.

When did they get into the Dunkin' Donuts game?

I I don't know, dude, but they're crushing it.

I kind of want a donut.

I want a lot of things, man.

I want some desserts.

How about a restaurant called Drunken Donuts, and it's Adam's asshole that he parades around town unless people fuck it.

That's good.

I don't get the

drunkenness of drunk horns.

I'm not much of a drunkard.

And his asshole is the hole.

Is it a donut?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Who wants to fuck my ass?

So it's a restaurant or more?

It sounds like more of a food truck.

It's like a roaming thing.

More of a guy.

Yeah,

man.

We start calling Adam drunken donuts.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think that one, you guys have done some good ones.

I think that one was maybe a little stretch.

Shut up.

He's just asking.

I'm just saying, it feels good.

I said, how about?

Yeah.

It's a question.

Yeah.

What does this have?

Unless you're coming with constructive criticism, I don't want to hear any of this bullshit.

All right.

I'll say constructively.

It had something with the drunken thing, but it didn't really make much sense.

I actually think the drunk part is better.

Huh?

Drunken no-nuts.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, whenever Adam's drunk, then he becomes drunk in no-nuts.

My intesticles.

I'm the only person that doesn't have common baggage.

Damn.

Should I get drunk and grab some titties?

I had a dream I was drinking.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

That's a good sign.

Yeah, it's definitely cool to fall off the wagon.

Damn, I hope you don't, brother.

Yeah.

Don't drink, man.

Unless you want to drink my cum.

No, thanks.

Are you sure?

Also, that's not alcoholic.

Yeah, it is.

It's not like I quit drinking cum.

You're right.

You still...

I'm sorry.

I mean, I could theoretically drink cum, and it wouldn't be a problem.

Yeah.

It's not like I would have fallen off the wagon if I drank a bunch of cum.

What if it was a really drunk guy's cum?

That's not how your body doesn't.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't.

Really?

The only thing that really doesn't come is HIV.

What about...

Okay, so Liver will be this smart guy.

If you eat a bunch of pineapples,

your cum tastes better, right?

No.

so if you

drink a bunch of turban, you're saying there's black people coming up?

No, yeah, who the fuck else is eating those pineapples?

If it was a turban legend, it would be about watermelon, but um, uh,

um,

if it was how about a turban legend, that's good.

You put pop rocks in sodas, then uh, you're gonna get hate crimes because people think you're Muslim, a genie comes out of the pop rocks, yeah.

I was saying the other day, it's that the Sikh thing is so funny that Sikhs, you could get a Sikh cab driver, and you know, they get hate crimes anytime

Muslims act a fool, yeah, and they're funnier and cooler than turbiders.

They're cooler, but also like Sikhs have like been at war with Muslims forever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's like when it's like when like fucking skateboarders like harass mall security because they just sort of look like

right, right, right, right.

It's just like a poor man with probably learning disability, yeah, like fuck you, pig.

Yeah, and he's like, I just I'm trying to save up for a PlayStation.

I'm just trying to make sure no one steals from this TJ Marshalls, Yeah, TJ Maxx.

TJ Maxx.

TJ Marshalls.

They do the same thing, essentially.

I like Marshalls and TJ Maxx, man.

I used to go there with my mom all the time.

Get some billibong t-shirts.

Oh, yeah.

Some quicksilver.

And suck some hard-ass dogs.

Because, you know, I was on those beaches of Las Vegas as a kid, just fucking

running tubage.

Shrunch was the first half of leaving Las Vegas last night.

Yeah, it's a good movie.

I loved it.

It was one of my favorite movies when when I was a teenager.

Yeah.

Why?

Because you were drunk?

Well, yeah.

I used to love watching it because if you watch Leaving Las Vegas drunk, you think it's a movie about the world's most charming, the coolest guy.

I am back and I'm ready to sign the check, baby.

I haven't seen it.

I'm going to add it to my list of movies to see.

Oh, yeah.

It's a great movie.

Yeah, it's a fucking amazing movie.

Maybe Nick Hames is best.

What's great is it's based on a novel by this guy, John O'Brien.

John O'Brien was just some, like, I guess, screenwriter in Hollywood, but never really, I don't think he had much success.

He wrote an episode of Rugrats.

Nice.

That's the extent of his career.

But he wrote that book, Leaving Las Vegas, and then they optioned it and were making it into a movie.

And like two weeks after they optioned it, he killed himself.

What?

Yeah.

But the movie's about, it's like a guy, it's like a screenwriter in Los Angeles.

The movie starts off, and he's already just like a complete fucking like drunk.

He's like, you know, ruining business relationships and he's getting fired.

And so he decides that he's going to just burn all of his shit and take the rest of his money and go out to Las Vegas and drink himself to death in a hotel

in the course of a month.

And then he gets out.

He's got a way to go.

Yeah, he gets out to Vegas and then,

yeah, just starts hooking up.

Elizabeth Shu.

Yeah, he starts dating Elizabeth Shu, who's a prostitute.

Nice.

Who then became an actress.

Nick.

Come on.

Same Same thing.

We all know.

Chill out, man.

Chill out.

Shut up.

Okay.

Finish the story.

Anyways, so then

Andy gets a new toy that's

an astronaut man.

What?

Yeah.

But what about the cat?

Nicholas Cage gets jealous.

What?

Yeah.

And so

he connives to

have Buzz killed.

That's fucked up.

Buzz or whatever.

Does he get killed?

I can't remember Toy Story.

Is that Woody's fault that Buzz gets fucked over?

I think so, and then he realizes what he fucked up, and then they go back to save him from the pizza restaurant or something like that.

Or buck it.

With the aliens?

Is the evil kid from Toy Story 2?

Yeah.

No, that's the first one.

Sid.

Sid, yeah.

The evil kid who's being molested.

Probably, yeah.

Yeah, and he's like kind of creative.

He like takes toys and makes them into new toys.

Yeah.

He's like artistic.

Yeah, that movie is really about how we need to

humanize products and consumerism

and abandon empathy for people that might be eccentric.

Andy's the bad guy.

Yeah, no, Andy's the good guy, and the toys.

Or no, yeah.

The expensive toys are the good guys.

Yeah.

Not the kid who wants to

damage those beautiful products with a brand identity.

Yeah, because you know Sid's parents were definitely, you know, going out and buying him expensive toys, and he didn't have like a sort of divorce kind of

situation.

Getting sucked off by the mailman.

Getting sucked off by the mailman.

Is that happening?

I guess.

Yeah.

I bet you there's mailmen who molested children.

You know,

probably.

Yeah, I'm hearing the speech from.

Showdre mailman.

There's no speech in Cashman.

Dude, that tooth is

pretty funny.

Yeah, it's really.

funny.

I'm so glad I got the iPhone 10 because taking pictures of Stav in portrait mode is pretty cool.

It's gorgeous.

Yeah, I saw the one you took the other day.

The humans of New York.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Yeah, how it's all like

shallow focus.

It's like fuzzy in the background.

Yeah.

Looks really nice.

It is.

Take one in the snow, dude.

Yeah, let's go outside.

I would love to make use of this fucking $1,200 cell phone.

Let's go outside after this.

Take one in the snow.

I want to get a fit pic to show all the bitches how cute I look.

Yeah.

I'll be at the stands.

I was taking pictures of my dick with Portrait remote.

Oh, nice.

Just blur out the head.

No, no, no.

You just say, I take like nice glamour shots of my cock.

Oh, man.

Did I tell you about the time I saw Elvis cock full hard?

Because Elvis?

Because he was showing me like, he was like, some girl was sending him nudes and he was showing me like her titties.

And then he just kept scrolling

by accident.

And he didn't mean to.

He's like, oh, and it was like his hard ass

for

presentation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's pink as shit.

Looking the best.

His dick is so pink.

And I know it was a fucked up angle.

Like, he curved it so it looked like he had an extra inch.

But yeah, just so hard.

Oh, yeah.

So pink.

Dick pics are a lot.

It's all.

Very pink dick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which I did not appreciate.

I got a nice tan boy.

Yeah.

I used to, I took a picture one time where I was like grabbing it at the base, and you know, like you could cheat.

Of course.

Yeah, of course, because you pull back those cubes.

Right, yeah.

And you also stretch it out.

It makes my dick look like 13 inches long.

So I used to send that to people.

Yeah.

And,

yeah, it's like, man, I hope we never actually fall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be like a huge disappointment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You think my dick reaches my head?

Yeah.

Oh, if you take a picture from underneath, it looks pretty big, too.

Yeah.

Oh, underneath.

I never go underneath.

Yeah.

Oh, I've experienced that.

I always pull back my fat to give it that extra.

If I did lose weight, my dick would be nice.

Anyways, so House of Blues, March 22nd.

Show's already sold out.

Come.town merchandise.

Stop.

Yes, March 7th.

Oh, yeah.

Stoppy Baby.

It's buyfred.co/slash Stoppy Baby.

I can buy a domain name.

Who's going to replace it?

It's my friend.

BuyFred.

I know.

It's fucked up.

Okay.

GeoCities.

Look, motherfucker, I know.

It's just my friend Fred.

By Stav's shirts at stav's friend.virus.ru.

March 12th is Funny Moms.

We didn't announce the last one, and we stranded back at it.

Yeah, dude, nobody fucking came.

That was embarrassing.

I was sorry about that.

Were you embarrassed?

It is embarrassing.

A little bit, yeah.

When you show, yeah.

Because we had Damien on the show, and literally for Bob Samuel, it's like Damien, you gotta, and he's like technically my boss, sort of.

Yeah, on

comedy not.

Yeah, it is.

I mean, they are all pretty like

good.

But even not being my boss, I like Damien.

He's a good comic.

You don't waste his time.

He doesn't, yeah, he doesn't need to fucking waste his time.

Were there anyone there?

Max City was there.

Yeah, there was a handful of people there.

Okay, so we're going to announce it on the show.

He said it was like by regular standards, it was fine, but we have a bank.

Right, we do.

They're usually great.

We ended up owing the bar.

March 12th.

We did?

How?

Yeah.

For what?

Because it's $150 to rent the space.

Yeah.

It was only $75 in ticket sales.

Oh, did you pay it?

No, the guy let it slide.

Yeah, he better fucking let it slide.

He made those cocks.

He knew what was going on.

I wrote them an email, and I was like, I'm out of town.

I told them why.

We shouldn't be able to pay that.

But anyway, that's a different story.

Anyway, so March 12th.

That's the show.

We've already booked a couple comics.

Andy.

Chris DeStefano and Andy Haynes.

And we're going to book a couple comics.

That's the show.

And

like I said, March POC and

waiting for you.

March 17th at the Good Good Comedy Theater.

Please buy tickets for that, Philadelphia.

And then, yeah, baby, that's pretty much it for now.

Yeah.

Suck me off.

Oh, and I'll be at Umar Khan's show, I think, on.

Oh, when?

In Baltimore?

Yeah, the 5th of April.

Cool, it's a good show.

Um,

okay, that's it, you motherfuckers.

Yeah, that's the show.

All right, bye.

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