Ep. 94 – Museum boys

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the U.S.

Explore Solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom ring that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewelers behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our new Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullenjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.

Ready to buy a car, a home, or just want to take control of your money?

Your FICO score matters, and 90% of top lenders use it to make decisions.

Check your FICO score for free today without hurting your credit score.

Visit myfico.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app today.

My FICO gives you the score lenders use most, plus credit reports and real-time alerts to help keep you on top of your credit.

Visit myfico.com/slash free and take the mystery out of your FICO FICO score.

That should do it.

Are we good to go?

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know how to get that clicking noise to stop.

That's going to be a problem for

forever, probably.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Are you sure it's not Adam rolling a pair of dice in his ass?

Yeah, there's a constant game of CeeLo occurring in my ass.

It's what?

Kulo?

Kulo, CeeLo?

Kulo, C-Lo.

Kulo, CeeLo, yeah.

It's a bunch of Dominican guys.

Julio's name was, right?

His asshole.

Asshole Leo.

Yeah, my name's Lil Asshole.

And they're like, that name's already taken.

Fine.

Remember the story that Lil Bow Wow got raped by his bodyguard?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I thought that was real until like two years ago.

It's not real.

I still think it's real.

No, apparently that was like just like a

rib-removed suck his dick story.

Urban.

I do think someone got raped

in a boy band.

Oh, all of them.

By Lou Perlman?

Lil Wayne Perlman.

The urban legend.

It's not that Lil Bow Wow.

Well, it's an urban legend.

It's not an urban legend that Lil Bow Wow got raped.

It's an urban legend that that's a story.

Right.

I mean, they all got raped.

Right.

Yeah.

He just didn't get raped in that way.

What's his name, Shad something?

Someone from Shadow got raped, I believe.

Shane Moss?

Oh, Mariam?

Comedian Shane Moss?

Yeah.

Shane Moss got away.

Shane Moss Moss carried.

You don't put put it on your car.

That's a good Shane Moss.

But, you know, I don't think a lot of people would know it.

Yeah.

Good guy.

I'm making a bumper sticker that says pedophilia is not a crime.

I used to be able to do Shane, but I haven't spoken to Shane or heard his voice in probably like, I guess I saw him a year ago.

We're in L.A.?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He consulted on Moshe's show for

like they did something about psychedelics.

And they had Shane come in, and they're like, Shane, you've destroyed your brain with

a word.

But like all that, he's like, yeah, I'm doing like

one of those drugs that are just like, you know, like barcodes, essentially.

It's like UXF.

You know, they're like, yeah, obscure codecs for the name of the drugs.

Design

chemicals.

Yeah.

That you're squirting into your fucking brain.

Why don't you wait until they name the shit first before you start smoking it?

That's a good idea.

Yeah, I'm doing 2HF CBL.

Yeah.

I thought you were going to go the other way where it was like just like a kind of like it's a larva that fucking you have to eat a spider and then it lays eggs in your bloodstream and then like a day later you trip balls.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't know you.

You know shit like that where it's like licking toads or whatever.

Yeah, like natural, like for a while.

Remember that Sexens episode where Homer is licking toads?

That was like when that shit got really bad.

Was that a newer one?

Well, newer in the sense that like after it was I do remember remember that.

And, like, their eyes got all big and shit.

No, you're thinking of the one where he eats the chili pepper and goes insane.

That's still a good episode.

Oh, maybe I am.

No, there's one where he goes, he's, like, doing mission work or something.

What?

Yeah, he's, like, in the, in, like, the jungle or something.

He's doing mission work, and he starts, like, licking toads.

Interesting.

Wasn't there a family guy episode about licking toads?

Maybe.

I think, yeah, like, someone goes undercover,

and then somebody,

Peter goes undercover to stop them, but then he's like he's trying to fuck the

young girl or whatever something like that

you guys get it yeah that sounds funny he's trying to fuck Meg yeah he's trying yeah he accidentally fucks his daughter

no meg's ugly

meg's ugly and then you can't tell because they all look like the same They all look the same.

Right, I know, but it's clear that whatever, whatever difficulty.

I remember that always confusing me when I was a kid.

What about Family Guy?

Yeah, they're like, Meg's ugly or whatever.

how can you tell?

Especially because it's Milakunis' voice.

Right.

And you know that's a sexist voice.

She's hot.

Yeah.

Bad bitch.

Yeah.

Voicing her.

She's so fun, dude.

And Miss Swan is Lois.

That's true.

Mo, what's her name?

No, no, no.

That's a different.

No, that's the other name.

I was in the comment store one night, and I was hanging out with Bobby Lee.

And fucking some drunk kid is like,

oh, Bobby Lee, I can't believe it's you.

You know, he's like just being really fucking annoying.

This is actually a story about me.

Yeah.

This is like a rare night.

Can I crash with you?

Or one night where I wasn't drunk, and this is kids going up, and then Bobby's like, you're being annoying, get out of here.

And then the kid would eventually be like, nah, man, I'm just, I'm fucking with you.

I'm a huge fan.

I love Miss Swan or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

That wasn't me.

That was a Jewish woman.

It looks a lot like him.

To that kid's credit, he does look like Miss Swan.

Yeah, that's Bobby Lee's fault for being co-reached.

It would have been less problematic, probably, if they had Bobby Lee to it.

I guess.

Yeah, I guess.

He would play Connie Chung.

Did he?

Yeah, that's right.

God damn, this show is the best of all time.

I saw like a black Twitter meme a couple months ago that was a picture of Maury, and it's like,

when you got the baddest Asian bitch, the whole hood fuck with you.

And you're an old Jewish man.

That was it.

There was no joke.

No, he carved out.

He carved out a great...

Since we're talking about memes that we enjoy now,

there was one at OJ's trial that was like, that was Chris Jenner.

That was like, she was at her side, you know, what's trial with her new man while her husband defended her side, you know, what.

Ho level 1000.

Yeah.

Did you know what I meant by side, you know, what, Nick?

Yeah.

The N-word?

Yeah.

Cool.

Is that what she called OJ?

Yeah.

He probably was pretty pissed off hearing her say that.

No, he liked it.

I want to go.

How about

that word, but it's sideshow Bob.

Still voiced by Kelsey Graham.

Damn, bitch.

Yeah.

I want to go to...

Let me bust this nut before your man gets here.

There's a bar not too far from my parents' house in Vegas where OJ goes and hangs out every single day.

Every day?

Yeah.

It's called Grape Street Lounge.

By my parents' house.

I just want to go there.

So, guys, if you want to just start looking up addresses on Grape Street, off Grape Street, yeah, yeah.

For Friedland, Google Friedland, Grape Street.

No, that'll be a good one.

You might be able to find their number, their house number.

I'm sure I see that OJ shit that he did that.

It was like, if I did it, the.

But it was an old interview.

Still, dude, it was wild.

I didn't watch it.

No.

It was

crazy.

Yeah.

I mean, he straight up just admits to how he killed him.

That he killed them.

And it's like, and he made up some hypothetical guy he was like yeah my friend jimmy was there

i'm not even kidding i don't know if it was jimmy or some dumbass name like that or charlie or some shit

and it was just fucking it was insane and then he kept she kept being like where did you park he was like in the hypothetical i parked down the road and then she's like well what happened who stabbed him he's like and then at one point he just laughs he's like sorry to say this in the hypothetical and then he talks about how he stabbed them it was fucking wild dude alleged he's just laughing.

So, shout out to OJ for beating that kid.

Yeah, you can't try him again, dude.

It's double jeopardy.

Double Jeopardy, dude.

I love that movie.

The only way that Tommy Lee fucked Alex Trebek?

No, twice?

That's how you do it.

What's your name?

That's Double Jeopardy.

The only way to get OJ back in jail, he has to fuck Alex Trebre.

Yeah, Double Jeopardy is a movie about two guys fucking Alex.

Oh, it's Ashley Judd, that's the girl name.

This famous hole feels like a pussy.

What is the asshole?

Ooh, try again.

What is the mouth?

That's correct.

Derek, the choice is yours.

I'll take a hijab for $200.

The Daily Double, they both put their cocks in his ass.

Choo-choo, choo-choo-choo.

It's the Daily Double.

And we go to Alexa live from Peru.

This small favela is where Alex purchases his child pornography.

What is Machu Picchu?

That's correct.

What did you wager?

$69.

Yeah.

Ahuga.

Is Machu Picchu a mountain?

It is.

That's the only capital.

It's that casper.

It's the only, I don't know, a town in Peru.

It's a fort.

There's hella llamas out there.

Yeah.

Lima, you mean?

No, I think llama.

Isn't Lima?

Lima?

Peru.

There we we go.

Capital.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I used to.

Never mind.

Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead, say it.

Please.

Say what I'm saying.

I used to have all the capitals memorized from South America.

Okay, what's Suriname?

I don't know.

I don't remember now.

I think it's Suriname.

Is it?

The capital is.

I remember that Belinda.

We had two capitals, La Paz and Sucre.

La Paz?

Is that just a bunch of gay guys with AIDS?

They're all like Paulas.

They're all Lepaz.

It's Brazil.

So Paulo?

Brasilia.

They moved it in the 70s.

But I see Brasilia?

Yeah, it was like D.C.

Was it Sao Paulo or?

Maybe Rio.

I don't know.

Maybe Sao Paulo.

Yeah.

Damn.

Brasilia is really cool.

It's like a failed city.

Yeah.

It's like.

No, but I've like.

So it's like you, if you were a city?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, you never showed us that picture of that fucking.

Someone actually sent it to me on a DM.

Well, where the fuck are you?

I gotta find it.

I gotta find it.

Oh,

another go.

No, another lie.

Another lie.

Just fucking saying something

to you.

I'll find it.

I've been to Columbia.

Okay, Guatemala, though.

That's not in South America.

Yes, it is.

But it is.

Yes, it is.

What the fuck?

No, it's in Central America.

That's South America.

No, that's North America, actually.

Mexico is the last part of North America.

No, that's not true.

It's like all the way down to Colombia is

Central America.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I think.

Anything that's not in South America is Central America.

Sorry, all the way down to Colombia.

South America is a pretty, like, clearly distinct continent.

Mexico is the last part of North America, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's not true.

Well, no, yeah, because there's like, was it Guatemala and Honduras?

Yeah.

Okay.

So you know.

Costa Rica, those are all technically part of North America.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Costa Rica is San Jose.

Central America isn't a continent.

It just means not white people.

I see, I see, I see.

Or Mexico.

Yeah.

I want to go to Mexico.

I saw a Netflix thing about tacos.

And I'm.

Mexico City looks tight.

Oh, you saw that

David Chang thing.

Dude, I went there last Netflix thing about tacos.

Yeah, dude, I did.

That's what I'm saying.

You bet you're scrolling through Netflix and that's the choice you make.

Tacos is a fat two.

I watched that too.

Who do I want to watch?

It's in the Zeitgeist.

Shape and Water.

Oh, here we go.

A documentary about tacos.

Hell yeah, dude.

You watch shit about power tools or whatever?

No, I don't, actually.

That's what we love.

I fucking, I don't watch shit about power tools.

Whatever, man.

You watch gay shit yourself.

No, I don't, actually.

I watch the same movies everyone else does.

Like?

Like

the Oscars.

Yeah, Oscars.

The Oscars, the movie.

My favorite movie is Rover Dangerfield or whatever.

I loved that movie when I was a kid.

I was like, Fox, dude.

Yeah.

That was my shit.

I knew about that before I knew about Rodney Dangerfield.

Yeah, when I was a little kid, I wanted to grow up to be the abusive boyfriend that threw him in the river.

I wanted to be that guy.

The heroin addict boyfriend.

The Italian heroin addict boyfriend that beats up Rodney Dangerfield's owner.

God damn, I don't remember that.

That's how the movie starts.

Really?

Yeah, he belongs to some bitch in L.A., and then her boyfriend, like,

puts the dog in a suitcase and throws him into the fucking river.

Damn.

And he, like, washes up on a farm.

I don't know know how he got it.

All I remember is a lot of him tugging at his dog collar.

His dog collar.

It's great.

That's cool.

Great stuff.

Yeah, I think I found out about him from Back to School, though, because I was on Comedy Central in the afternoons, like every day.

I watched Back to School after I knew about Rodney's stand-up for sure.

I love that movie

so much.

Yeah.

I'm gay!

That's uh

what's that?

I read a blind item that said that Sam Kinnison was murdered by Bill Clinton

because Sam Kinnison and Bill Clinton

double-teamed some girl and Bill Clinton accidentally killed the girl.

Oh, I could see that.

Bill Clinton and Kinnison double-teamed the girl.

Big Willie was a fucking straight-up rapist, dude.

What makes you think he wouldn't like Slick Willie?

Slick Willie.

What's the woman?

Wanita something?

Wanita Broderick.

Yeah.

Matthew Broderick's mom.

He raped Matthew Broderick's mom.

He raped Matthew Broderick, who also killed a woman.

That's the thing.

It was a retaliation for killing Bill Clinton's side bitch.

He killed what's her name?

Gray.

What's that actress's name?

Didn't he kill what's her name?

Oh, I don't know.

Who?

Who did he kill?

Matthew Broderick?

Matthew Broderick and I did.

No, he killed.

He killed her.

Nicole Brown Simpson.

No, I don't know.

Sarah Jessica Parker?

Yeah, he killed Alicia Silverstone.

Apparently her pussy doesn't work.

Who's?

Sarah Jessica Parker.

She looks like George Washington.

I saw her on Kimmel the other night.

She's frigid, and she lets Matthew Broderick inspect her gadget any other woman he wants.

For real?

No.

You mean her pussy doesn't work?

It's a hole.

She doesn't.

She can't get wet or something.

A little dissolution in there, dude.

A little bleach.

A little gasoline in that.

Some fucking aoli.

She's frigid, okay?

And if anyone wants to debate me on it, I'll be here.

What do you mean frigid?

Frigid doesn't mean your pussy doesn't work.

Yeah, it does.

That's the medical term.

No way.

Yes, it is.

No chance.

She's like a cold person.

Her pussy is frigid does not mean

six degrees Fahrenheit.

12 degrees.

Remember it's the season where your pussy dries out all the way?

Oh, I think, I think, yeah, it's a thing.

It's called Seeing Adam's Dick Itis.

Yeah.

You got a nice Jackson shirt pussy.

And this matador pussy.

It looks like a prune.

I'm going to look up frigid.

There's no way it means that.

Frigid.

I know what it means, but I just have to be vindicated.

Frigid pussy?

You should.

Yep.

It's metaphoric.

Anyway.

Also, isn't Matthew Bronner gay?

He's married to Sarah Jessica Parker.

I know.

That should be.

That's evidence enough.

Maybe that's why her pussy is so dry because he's been fucking her ass for so long.

What is the asshole?

What is sexually?

What is what is he's been fucking her asshole for so long because he's a closeted man?

Closeted man.

Ooh.

Okay, our judges are going to let you have it.

Dry pussy disease.

Yeah, let me know what you find.

Yeah, let's look at this.

It's just a picture of Sarah Jessica.

Vaginal dryness causes and moisturizing treatments WebMD.

Nice.

Nice.

Normally the walls of the vagina stay lubricated.

Nice.

With a thin layer of clear fluid.

The hormone estrogen helps maintain that fluid and keeps the lining of your vagina healthy, thick, and elastic.

Oh, fuck.

I love a thick pussy wall.

Hell yeah, dude.

Electronic.

THICC PUSSION.

A drop in estrogen levels reduces the amount of moisture available.

It can happen at any age from a number of different causes.

Uh-oh.

Cause number one.

It may seem like a minor irritation, but the lack of vaginal moisture can have a huge impact on your sex life.

Unfortunately, the treatments are available to relieve vaginal dryness.

Like getting your pussy ate

for a nice long amount of time.

Sitting back, getting your pussy ate,

letting Stavi go to work.

Actually, that's my part-time job is doctors call me in.

To eat pussy.

Sometimes I'm prescribed to eat a pussy.

You go to the driest pussies.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

And I make a nice $30 an hour to eat a pussy.

Now if you use an applicator to get the cream in your vagina.

What kind of cream?

Like Twinky filling?

This Estra

Primarin.

I would say, why don't you go to that brown shit from Cinnabon?

That's a good S.

Pretty sticky and gooey.

That's all I got.

You put that in your pussy.

Yeah, but it gets sticky.

Remember the grapefruit trick video?

Yeah.

Oh, with a...

With a Cinnabon.

That'd be pretty cool.

Saab, would you get that?

Would I get sucked off?

Yeah, yeah, like the Cinnabon around my coffee.

Is it related searches?

Dry vagina home remedies.

But vagina is spelled V I G I N A.

Yeah.

That sounds like a medical website.

That's great.

Female dryness cure.

Why am I dry down there all of a sudden?

How to get really wet naturally.

Dry vagino discharge.

It's nice to know that, you know,

sometimes men can't get hard, but sometimes women can't get wet.

Yeah.

For medical reasons.

But it's much easier because there's lube.

you just throw a little lube in there.

There's no

equivalent for men.

I would love it.

You know how there's hard shell like coating for ice cream?

Yeah.

Why don't they have that where you pour it over your cock?

Yeah.

And

you just have a fake penis on top of your regular one?

No.

It's a thin layer.

Yeah.

I remember that was like one of the first shows I wrote.

It was me and my friend were in a sex shop and we saw like this strap on.

I saw a strap on.

For guys with micro penis.

Well, the picture on the front of the box is a guy wearing the strap on.

inside the dick.

That's a real thing.

Wait, is there like, is there also a blue dick in there and a black one and a yellow one?

And then they formed a bigger dick to fight whatever Rita Repulsive has sent to Earth.

I think I remember the punch on being like, no, no, let's use the bigger dick

or something like that.

Wait, let's use the bigger dick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Imagine being like, yeah, great.

Oh, wow, this is great.

I'm so happy for you.

You're just fucking the inside of a dildo.

I feel so close to you now.

Yeah,

that was an early hit.

I like that bit, dude.

You were doing that.

16 years old, baby.

Playing the hits.

Hitting my dick.

Yeah, dude.

There was...

What was I saying along the lines of dildos that you've fucked or?

Something about a hard shell.

I said that thing about hard shells candy coating over your cock.

Oh, yeah.

Like for Ice Cream Sunday.

Exactly.

Speaking of, you know who could have used that dick is Stephen Hawking, who I made fun of on Instagram and people are getting mad.

I don't understand.

They're mad at you?

You didn't make fun of him?

People are like, this is a bad take.

I did make fun of him.

What did you say?

Nothing.

I just made some joke at the expense of Stephen Hawking, which, like, who gets you?

I did too.

Who cares?

Yeah, yeah.

It is impressive.

Don't come at me with your bullshit on Instagram.

Yeah, so that's for Twitter.

Get back on Twitter.

You know,

stay the fuck off Instagram.

Stay off Instagram.

Instagram is for hanging out with friends.

It's just chilling out.

It's like MySpace now.

Yeah.

Yeah, but seriously.

I'm just showing titties on DMs.

Sav, I am sorry that Stephen Hawking died, dude.

I know it's hard for you.

He is tough, dude.

As a man of science, as a man who loves the cosmos.

Yeah, as someone that's read all eight Harry Potter books, I'm really sorry.

Yo, my man was so fucked up.

I I also like that this motherfucker has the audacity to write a book called A Brief History of Time, and this shit's like 170 pages long.

Come on, dude.

How about why don't you give it?

Give me, give me the gist.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't got all day to listen to your fucking handy capped ass beat boop at me.

That's so true.

You know, for 15 hours.

That's so hard.

Give me

details.

You fucking robot bitch.

Yeah.

Machine fuck.

Yep.

Get him, dude.

Fuck that guy.

Fuck your Mario Kard ass body.

He was so fucked up looking.

Yeah.

No, the New York Times, the headline was Stephen Hawking, dead at 76, which it should have been, Stephen Hawking finishes dying at 76.

But then the caption under it was like, was

the author and physicist explored the cosmos from a wheelchair.

You know,

it's just so funny that they had to.

Oh, by the way, he was in a wheelchair.

Right, right.

If you didn't know that about Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking, author, physicist, wheelchair, dead 76 years.

There was like a self-righteous post that people were sharing today, which was like, yeah, most Americans can't name a scientist.

Like 76% of Americans can't name a scientist.

But the 24% that can, like, it was something like half of them knew Stephen Hawking.

And then down the list, it was like Neil deGrasse Tysa was number two, and there was like 8% of people.

And then number four, I think, was Dr.

Oz.

Yeah, I don't know any more scientists.

I guess Carl Sagan, right?

How about

Albert Einstein?

Yeah, Einstein.

The guys that took DNA and stole it from a woman.

Dr.

Oz.

Joseph Mangali.

Fuck It's and Crick.

Yeah.

Lawrence and Crick, right?

Didn't they?

What about the bitch that got cancer from radiology?

What?

From radiology.

How about Jane Goodall?

Yeah.

The

good hole.

Yeah, the woman that invented having sex with apes.

They fucked them, right?

No, I don't think so.

They've turned on her and ripped her pussy off.

Oh, my God.

Maybe it was too dry and they got mad.

I was making that argument to somebody.

It was frigid.

Maybe it was on the show.

Yeah.

I might have just said it on the show.

Why, what?

Well, then I don't believe in evolution because, like, if we came from chimps, like, why did we lose the ability to rip people's hands off?

Yeah.

Because then you'd kill, everyone kills each other too quick when you get smart.

I don't know.

I would prefer to have the vestigial ability to rip people's hands off at once.

Yeah, of course you would.

Well, wasn't it that we didn't come from them, but we had a common answer?

Imagine you get pulled over by a police officer and they're like, Can I see your ID?

And you go, oh, yeah, sure.

And you go to hand it to him, and you just rip his hands right off.

He's already ripped your hands off, though.

No, I'm the ape.

He doesn't believe in the age.

As a police officer, he's a Christian and he doesn't believe in evolution.

Only me with my ape strength have ripped that cop's hands right off.

So you're saying we don't have ape strength because we don't believe in evolution enough.

Evolution is about faith.

It's basically

you have to believe it.

It's like Peter Pan,

right?

Isn't that how you can fly?

Yeah, you have to think nice thoughts.

I love that that's the theme of Peter Pan.

It's like, just don't think about raping children.

You can do anything.

You can keep raping them.

Having trouble getting hard?

Just think nice thoughts like the FBI agents on your case losing your file in a fire.

That must have been really nice for pedophiles like right after 9-11.

When they were like

the FBI is going to go real, like, gonna go off on Muslims for a while.

It's time to go to fucking Thailand.

What if the pedestal...

Here's my idea.

You think October 2011 was a big Thailand tourist?

What if it was inside Thailand?

Is this Halloween in the United States?

You're out of Iran.

You're right, you're right.

But you know what?

They get back just in time for Halloween.

They go last week of September.

You know what I mean?

That'd be a great how Stella got her groove back screenplay.

Just a bunch of pedophiles after 9-11.

Holy fuck, dude.

We should.

That's great, dude.

We should do like a

what's it called?

Spare chains?

It's one of those bullshit boomer, you know, rediscovering yourselves movies.

The entire soundtrack is nothing but like fucking Motown.

Yeah,

that's it.

But I refuse to let you go sunshine.

Oh!

And you're like, I thought you said this was DSL.

That song, there's 20 little seven-year-old boys lined up, and they're like, I'll take him, I'll take him.

It's a trying it on montage, but it's like different types of bondage that they're

different like masks and leather and shit.

Are pedophiles into that?

I think the very extreme ones are.

If you want to be the highest-level pedophile, you got to do it all.

The highest level, the highest level.

You can't, you have to.

There's just some guy on the top of the mountain sitting in a lotus position.

Yeah, yeah, it's like a fucking monk.

He's like, he doesn't seem to be fucking a kid at all.

And then he turns around and there's a whole kid in his ass.

He just, a baby's head.

Professor Xavier.

Yeah.

That's just what, like, just like

this, like, Roar Shark or like fucking

like a monk guy going to prison for raping kids.

And he's in there, and like, he's not saying anything to anyone, and all the other prisoners are like, we're going to fuck you up.

And he's just walking down the hallway, very calm.

And then finally, somebody corners him in, like, a cell, and they throw him up against the wall, and they bend him over, and they start fucking his ass.

And, like, you know, the head guy's like, yeah, how's that feel, baby rapist?

And then he's like, oh, man, this guy's ass is so tight.

And then he's like, he's like, I can't pull my dick out.

And they're like, help me, guys, help me.

And then, like, the, you know, the old man is like smiling, right?

And then the guy like pulls his dick out and pulls an entire baby out of the guy's ass.

And the baby is stuck to his dick.

And he's like, now who's the baby that it is?

And then the guy, he's like, I didn't mean to, guys.

And then all his friends stab him to death.

Perfect.

Oh, God.

Yeah, we got a couple of people.

You want to know how I got these scars?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

Well, that's good.

Yeah.

That was a good three minutes.

It was probably 30 seconds.

17 seconds.

You have no concept of time.

Well,

I never read a brief history.

As a lover of scientists and the stars, I know exactly how much time has passed.

Yeah, I see.

I was pissed because I thought that book was all going to be about like rollies, you know, clocks,

watches, timepieces,

robin jeans.

You know what I'm saying?

Yes, yes.

Let's talk about escalades.

22-inch rims.

Yeah, wood grain dashboard.

What is that about?

Just the Big Bang or some shit?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like pop psych cosmology, I guess.

Okay.

Yeah.

Whatever, dude.

The guy fucked from the church.

He did.

He's being kept alive by pornography for the last like 30 years.

He cheated on his wife, right?

With his nurse.

With his nurse, which is more impressive than knowing dumb gay shit about science.

Yeah, that's what Dana Gould did.

What is it?

He's like, I don't know.

Dana Gould is like the best at setting things up like he's going to make some real point.

And then it's just a little bit more.

And then, yeah, it's just a retarded punchline.

Yeah, yeah.

Like the fucking black dolly.

Because I'm amazed.

Yeah, he's like, I'm amazed by

the ability of the human will.

Take Professor Stephen Hawking, for example.

Here's a man who cannot speak, who cannot walk with his own, you know,

power or whatever, and he still managed to find a way to cheat on his wife.

Yeah, I mean, that is incredible.

Yeah, he looked so fucked up.

It's one of the most amazing things.

Imagine jerking off his weird little limp-ass dick and looking at his fucked-up stuff.

Fucked up.

Can we please get you a wheelchair?

That is the next frontier, dude.

Lost with my fucking legs toothless.

Yeah, you're going to be a Wally WALL-E guy by the end of your life.

No, I won't.

Fill John Doublebee's hat, will you?

No,

my haunches are too powerful for that.

I can't lose the blood on my body.

I do have them.

I think Dasha was saying to me the other day, how much she does not like what you call your legs.

I have powerful haunches.

I can't do anything about that.

If she doesn't like the truth, what do you want from me?

Haunches.

They are haunches.

Sounds disgusting.

No, it doesn't.

I mean, they are disgusting.

They're not disgusting.

They're muscular.

They're fucking the basis for a great man.

They're the foundation that a Titan walks upon.

I'd like to see you going at a tackle dummy like

Combine kind of scenario.

Fuck it up, dude.

You're talking to Baltimore Polytechnic Institute's

starting nose tackle, okay, in 2006.

What are those things where it's like you push them and they go, are those tackle dummies?

I don't know.

Whatever.

I don't fucking know, dude.

But listen, I'll fuck anybody up.

You know, trying to get me between me and that quarterback.

You got another thing coming, pal.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Nose tackle, I thought, was oh, yeah, that's like the you go against the center on defense.

Yep.

Okay.

That's cool.

All right.

Where are we at?

30 minutes?

Should we take a break?

No, no, no.

Yeah, we're not taking a break.

We're just going to go right into it, folks.

Haunches, disgusting word, but something that's very easy to cover up with

a beautiful set of fucking underinos

from MacWeldon.com.

The home of underwear for large men, small men, men of any size,

men of any race.

Very few brands of underwear can cover my powerful lower body as beautifully as Mac Weldon.

Yeah, and they're better than whatever you're wearing right now.

So go ahead and throw away your underwear.

Just take a shit in them before you, you know, why not?

Shit them up, turn them in the diapers.

Get yourself a pair of Mac Weldon underwear.

Company that believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

You can go on their website, check out real easy, easier than any other website I've ever used.

Mac Weldon will be the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants that you'll ever wear.

They got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means they eliminate odor.

So you won't smell as bad as you normally do.

And they want you to be comfortable.

So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it and they'll refund you.

No questions asked.

You get a free pair of underwear if you're not completely satisfied, folks.

And not only do they look good, they perform well too.

So you can wear them working out, going to work, going out on dates, or just enjoying everyday life, you know, listening to podcasts, what have you.

So go to MacWeldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMETON.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

That's MacWeldon.com, promo code ComeTown.

Come town.

And we're back with our guest, Pat Buchanan, and we're talking about,

you know, day laborers getting raped.

How do you feel about that?

I think it's good.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Thank you.

Sure.

That sounds like someone other than you.

That's the first step to doing impressions.

It's good to do that.

I got a couple that I'm about to do.

Oh, that's great.

Pat Buchanan.

I am Pat Buchanan.

That's Nixon, right?

You did Nixon?

Yeah.

Cool.

It's cool to like Nixon though, right?

No.

No.

I think it's it's started.

You don't realize that other people don't spend all day long worrying about what opinions are cool or not cool to have.

What are you talking about?

You don't read pitchfork?

Yeah.

I'm like, oh, fuck.

Are we supposed to like Nixon today?

No.

People who don't live in Brooklyn.

I'm thinking about Nixon.

Yeah.

People who don't live in Brooklyn and aren't ironically wearing crocs with socks around the house.

These are house shoes.

No, they're Crocs and you're wearing cool socks.

And you thought, oh, Nick and Stobb are going to love this.

I wasn't wearing them for you.

They look stupid.

Of course you're doing it for me.

You're wearing them for us.

You're going to take a nice stroll over to Prospect Park in cool Brooklyn with your Vixen shirt on.

You know, eating fucking hot fire funnies or whatever snack you don't even like.

What else is cool nowadays, Adam?

Yeah.

Playing Fortnite because you heard black kids play it.

Yep, that's true.

Fortnite's fun.

I just suck at it.

I don't even know what Fortnite is.

You play like...

I'm the only member of the gaming community.

You like arrive in this little world and then you have to collect weapons and like shields and stuff and then the world gets smaller and smaller until you're the last person left.

That sounds a lot like my regular life.

Yep.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

You have to kill everyone.

Everything becomes a prison.

Yeah, but apparently a lot of NBA players and black teenagers like it.

It's fun.

I'm just not everybody at shooting games.

Have's got the little headset on.

Do you guys like Richard Nixon?

They did.

They said yes.

It's pretty cool how he went.

He was probably the only one that could go to China.

Yeah.

'Cause it like, you know, and then they're like, Yeah, that's true.

He also passed all of our environmental laws.

Yeah.

Yep.

He was a Quaker.

Yeah.

It's wild.

Yeah.

My man.

My maniel up in up in this book.

He was the only president from Cali.

Nice, dude.

Reagan.

Reagan's from Cali.

Reagan was from Illinois.

No, but he was governor of California.

He was that California.

But he didn't grow up in California.

No, but not like Nixon, dude.

Not like Nixon.

Chilling.

Chill Caliban.

Yep.

Just eating a fucking

grindage.

What's that line?

Someone tweeted a screen cap of it.

That line from Encino Man at the end.

Was it Christian?

It was like the emotional part of Encino Man where he's like, yeah, life isn't just about chilling, grindage, or nugs chilling and grindage.

I don't know, man.

I can't think about Encino Man or Bio Dome without thinking about that story about Paulie Shore nutting on the couch at the rate of the punk and refusing to clean it up so they have to throw the couch up.

He seems like a chill bloke.

Yeah, it's definitely,

you know, what has

like the hallmark of definitely a telltale sign of someone that's cool?

Somebody whose mom owns a comedy club and contrived their entire comedy career by giving them spots.

Yeah, he's still trying to fuck real hard off of that Raya, right?

He's like one of the celebrities that

is always trying to.

Hey, man, shoot your shot, I guess.

Yeah.

Dustin Diamond.

Ugh.

They let that motherfucker on Ria.

No, I'm not sure.

He should get on Raya.

Even though I have a girlfriend.

I want to get on Raya.

You know?

Stop.

You should.

You're trying to get on Gaia.

You know what I'm talking about?

Gaia?

Get back in

Gaia.

Gaia online.

Yeah.

No, not maybe you said it in person.

Not a guy at

Gaia.

Oh, like Gaia.

Gaia was like some MMO.

The Eternal Life Force?

I actually have no idea what Gaia is.

I just, 10 years ago, used to make jokes about people who were on Gaia.

What is Gaia?

It was like a free

free MMO or some shit that people

would play or something.

Massive multi-projection.

It was like MapleStory.

MapleStory was another thing.

It was like

a free MMORPG that people would play.

Was that like World of Warcraft?

Something like that, but even gayer.

I know.

You're like a girl.

Damn, that's really gay.

Like a teeny person that goes around collecting apples that fall off trees or whatever.

Yeah, that sounds kind of nice.

Yeah.

Sounds kind of like, you know, calming and soothing.

Can you make ciders with the apples and pies?

You know what's weird is ciders are easier to make than apple juice.

Why do you think?

Why is that?

Well, you would think the juice would be the easier one, and ciders would be more complicated.

How do you make a cider?

I think you just fuck up the apples.

You just boil the apples and mash them up.

That to me seems easier.

That's no straining involved.

Yeah, it is easier.

Why is cider bubbly?

Oh, what?

You carbonate it?

Yeah.

Oh, it's carbonated afterwards?

I think so.

Yeah, what the fuck?

You motherfuckers haven't had ciders that aren't bubbly?

You just open up a fucking thing of apple cider from the store.

It's not bubbly.

Martinelli.

We should go to a fucking apple orchard.

They smell really good.

It's too late.

That's not for the season.

Yeah, that's a fall.

It's in any season.

That's an end of summer thing, right?

I completely forgot what time of year it was.

Yeah, it's the.

I'm so upset about Stephen Hawking that I'm forgetting time.

Well, time is a circle or

whatever he said.

That's like a cool thing to say nowadays.

Is it?

Yeah, I think Blackboard checking your spreadsheet of cool things to say.

That's why I said it.

I set you up to that guy.

Did you?

You didn't video.

I'm pulling all the strings.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

You don't realize.

Yeah, maybe the ones at the bank.

You know what I'm saying?

I wish.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah,

we know the score.

You guys ever

remember when it the cartoons would pull the string, would pull one string and then they'd be naked?

If there's like one string button, do you guys know when cartoons would pull one string?

You know what I'm saying?

Yep.

No, I don't.

Yeah, yeah.

Continue.

It was like a sight gag where you.

No, I don't know what you're doing.

There's a loose thread hanging off a cartoon's shirt or something, and they would pull it, and then it'd be like.

Did you just see the dick and pussy?

Yes.

But no, but it would be, you know, it was a comedic effect.

Was this some Greek cartoons?

Oh, man.

I'll be vindicated when this comes out.

This is a common cartoon.

I just remember in cartoons when someone was naked, they'd wear a barrel.

That was like a big thing.

I remember somebody opening a door and then a woman would scream.

Yes.

Yeah, that was the wrong thing.

Women are just hanging out in rooms naked all the time.

Yeah, well, they are.

Yeah.

It's up to you to find them.

Well, that's what the 50s were.

Well, from going in a room to room to room, find a woman.

Find a naked woman.

Anyhow, whatever goes, man.

Twist and shout.

That's that about a woman's nipples, right?

Yeah, so I'm nope.

We're going to twist again.

That guy went to jail.

The twist guy?

Yeah, for

twisting off, yeah, women's nipples.

Who's saying that?

I love that story about like Ray that he would like feel women's wrists to tell how beautiful they were, but it's like he's just checking to see if they're fat or not.

Yeah, of course.

Really?

Yeah.

That rocks.

Yeah.

What's his name again, Ray what?

Charles?

Really Charles.

Yeah.

I thought for a second you meant Ray Romano.

Yeah, I did.

All right, let me feel your wrist.

You're all some fatal.

That's a terrible Ray Romano.

That's my Ray Romano.

Deborah.

Yeah.

What's up, Deborah?

Deborah.

Debra.

Rival dribble dribble.

Riding the poster so tight.

Everybody loves moves.

I'm dying.

But he does have that, you know, throat thing.

Mobile doesn't.

I saw a completely burden.

Mobile, you saw a stupid

boo.

Can you do Brad Garrett?

Dude, that's a great one.

The Sykes impression you're doing right now.

How about y'all like Pat Boo Clan?

I am Papua Cannon?

I feel this.

This is a question for the audience, mostly.

If I allowed to use the N-word, if I'm doing it, I'll be my voice.

I feel like it's so far away from my regular voice that if I use the N-word, it's like I didn't even say it.

I'm told,

God, this is the most tempting I've ever been in my life.

Do it.

Say it, meat wad.

So many people are hoping to say it.

Say it.

It's the real meatwad.

It's not Nick.

Yeah, I won't do it.

Nick's gone, actually, guys.

Nickel, I have to do it.

Using that defense in court.

Dude, I love it.

Nick left.

And the meat mod walked through the door and picked up the microphone.

You're on.

One of you doing is Mark Simpson.

Yeah,

she gets the pass, dude.

She has a a hip pass.

I love that we pissed her off.

We did that episode where Lenny pissed her off.

Me and Carl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that we're...

Mart,

you'll always be my special little guy, and I love you.

But right now, you're acting like a complete...

Oh, fuck.

Oh, Sav, you're pulling your shirt down?

Yeah, you know.

Dude, we're back on the couch.

We've been recording at a table in wheelchairs.

Now that we're back on the couch, you're just sitting in a little bit

of a sub shirt.

You just look like Ezekiel Elliott.

Yeah, dude, I got the little half shirt.

How about beatwad?

You know,

I love jacket off.

My ducks hurts when I don't jack it off.

That's why I'll do it every day.

Because Felix can do Master Shake.

He can?

Yeah, I'm gay.

Yeah, no way.

Not even close.

Yeah.

Not even close.

Fuck off, Frylock.

Not even close.

I'm pretty close.

It's a good show.

Sucked my head.

Awkward scenes.

Yeah, it was cool 15 years ago how you could be like, well,

what's your pitch for the show?

It's like, okay, we just smoke way too much weed.

And then the animation studio has to make the things that we say.

Ah, fuck.

Is that still on TV?

I'm sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, that episode where Master Shake realizes that the happy birthday song is copyrighted, so he makes a new birthday song.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Zach Wilde and Getty Lee.

Oh, yeah.

They ruled

the bills from hell.

Yeah.

Damn, Zach Wilde is such a good pull.

Razzie Osborne's late in career.

You know that video, Zach Wilde, where he's on stage and he's like, he's like, and fuck Fred Durst and fuck all that wigger bullshit.

Yeah.

Hell yes.

We know what you mean, Zach.

We know what you want to say.

Man, that boy Zach, wild, dude.

That boy wild.

Zach's wilding out.

They should have Zach's wilding out.

Where he's screaming at

Nick Cannon for doing all that wigger bullshit.

Yeah, no, I'm saying I don't have any problem with black people when they act like fucking wiggers.

I probably

only dislike black people that act like wiggers.

There's two types of black people.

What a fucking awesome.

There's black folks.

There's black folks.

And then there's the wiggers.

The wiggers are coming through and ruining everything for all the normal black folks.

Fuck, dude.

That's awesome.

Man.

God bless Zach Wild and his weird

little guitar that was a bullseye.

You guys remember that?

I wanted to get one of them triangle electric guitars.

Yeah, those were tight.

But I got a...

Fucking Ibanez.

I got a regular

fender.

I wanted to be in a band for like two years of my life so bad, dude.

Well, you can't be in the nick of my band.

Yeah, but we're having tryouts.

I don't want to be in your gay ass band.

Well, you're not in it, so it's alright.

I'm going to be in my own band.

Guess what kind of band it is?

It's called Mathis and Joe Brown, baby.

The judges of the family.

It's the judges.

It's the judges of the ball.

We haven't decided which one is which.

But we both do real talk.

That's true.

We fucking yell at people.

That makes sense.

And people,

black ladies in the gallery nod because we're speaking truths.

Yeah, it's nice.

Read your book.

Damn, which one went to jail?

Joe Brown went to jail?

Judge Mathis.

Mathis.

Well, if I could hop in, which judge would I have to be then?

Judy?

Judy.

Judy seems like the obvious choice.

Yeah.

What about us is Judge Alex?

Yeah, yeah, hey, whoa, what's up?

Yeah, dude.

Judge Alex is cool.

He's like, Judge Alex is the only judge that fucks.

He definitely fucks.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

He's a good-looking guy.

He's picking up moms from soccer practice.

Our judge shows still on.

Bigger minivan.

They drive their biggest.

I don't see them, man.

I watch a lot of just

TV.

I don't see any of it.

Do you?

What?

In my room, I put my TV on all day long while I get my writing done.

When I write my memoirs.

I remember

when my ex-girlfriend was getting an abortion and I was in the waiting room.

Judge Mathis was playing on the TV.

It was just me and all the degenerate guys paying for abortions in the waiting room.

And

he was yelling at some dude about child support payments, too.

Do you feel guilty about murdering an innocent child?

Yep, I do consider it to be a life.

And that is why I'm getting a teardrop testing on my face.

Because I killed that motherfucker.

Dude, that's fucked up, man.

I'm very pro-ass life.

Are you?

Oh, yeah.

I want to get Caprice Classic tattooed on my right ass cheek.

Mm-hmm.

And then Chevrolet on the other one.

Ooh,

so it looks like the back of a

back of a Caprice.

Oh, yeah.

That way people know, yeah.

I got a V8 ass.

In jail, they know not to fuck me.

How many horsies?

How many ponies?

What kind of gas will your asshole accept?

Super unleaded.

Premium.

Beautiful.

Wow.

I love Stav's podcasting stance right now.

This is Zen podcasting.

I'm lying down.

I'm not making eye contact with anyone.

I have my eyes closed.

Yeah, it's definitely good to put as little effort as possible.

I'm going to give you the Arabian goggles.

What's that?

Nuts across my ankles?

Nuts on the sleeping eye.

You'll never do that to me, bitch.

If you ever dream of doing that on the bottom of the bottom.

That's what the ISIS flag is.

It's a detailed description of the arena of the arena.

Really?

I'm trying to do it a step-by-step?

That's when there's a global caliphate.

What a piece of

written language.

Arabic?

Arabic?

Yeah.

It looks kind of tight.

It looks cool.

It looks made up.

Write backwards and shit.

That's Jews, isn't it?

Don't Jews write backwards?

Jews do write backwards.

Hebrew is backwards too, yeah.

Arabic and Hebrew.

Did anyone ever speak Hebrew?

Did anyone?

Like, they did way back in the day.

Hebrew was like a dead language.

No, it's nuts.

Yeah, no one's ever spoken Hebrew ever.

I know, but they brought it back.

They brought it back in like a break.

Yeah, now it's like a, you know, spoken

in Israel.

That's kind of impressive that they did that, though.

Yeah, well they made like, but like because there was they used like biblical Hebrew to make a new language, like half of the words are like just computadora or whatever, you know?

They're just like the

they just had a that.

Sounds like a sexy robot you can fuck.

Computadora.

I don't even know if that's how you say computer anymore.

That's my name of my autistic wife.

Computadora.

Are you home from the podcast?

Yes, dear.

Did you make dinner?

Yes.

We're having toast.

Thank you, my love.

Don't touch my ears.

I won't.

Computadora.

I love you, Computadora.

Yeah.

What?

I love you.

It's an emotion.

Oh.

I'm going to be playing Maple Story

in the bathroom.

Don't touch my swatches.

Don't touch my Velcro while I'm in the bathroom playing Maple Story.

Oh, fuck.

What did Jews used to speak then?

Yiddish?

In Europe, yeah.

They spoke Yiddish.

That's a funny language.

Yeah, it's really gay.

it sounds like someone making fun of Jews.

Yesterday there was like an orthodox guy with this just awful posture.

Just like completely, he looked literally spineless.

And you know, he's got like Dr.

Eggman's body.

Yeah.

And he's got his phone held all the way up to his spine.

I love that look.

And he's like glaring at the, you know, and fucking like just chin pressed into his torso, glaring at the phone.

And I was laughing so hard, imagining that he was just zooming in on a picture of a penny.

Oh, shit.

Fuck, dude.

Did you catch what it was by any chance?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck, Computadora.

I want to have sex with Computadora, your wife.

Yeah.

I've calmed.

I finished calming.

Please exit me.

so stav, are you excited for the apparently according to hair loss talk?

This is supposed to be the biggest year for that Italian cream.

Yeah, Bratsu hair loss cream is the big new item.

Nick's back on the hair loss.

I'll believe it when I see it.

My hair started shedding.

I'll believe it when I see it, dude.

Yeah.

I would love to see you.

We're going to get you some Italian sick cream.

I'm going to keep getting you rude gifts.

Hey, man, if you buy me like a 400

wear it.

I've used the pump just out of curiosity.

Just to try.

What does it do?

Does it hurt?

Does it make you calm?

No, I mean, I put it on my soft dick.

I felt guilty that I hadn't used it.

And I was kind of busy.

Do you draw a bath?

No, don't you just put it over your cock and pump it?

No, it's a water.

You're supposed to use it?

Yeah.

Wait, really?

It's the bathmaid.

Oh, so

wait, you got the cock pump that needs to be immersed in water?

Yeah, you got to use it in the best for like a bathroom.

That's good.

Oh, my God.

No, I need a travel cock pump, dude.

I need something on the screen.

Did you not read the instructions?

Of course, I didn't read the fucking pump.

They were in German.

What do you mean, of course, you didn't read the instructions?

You figured it's a cock pump.

What the fuck?

I didn't expect there to be, like, steps, but you put your cock in it and you pump it.

It should be such a good thing.

What does the plugger do?

I read the instructions for everything.

I've never read the instructions for anything in my life.

Nick likes reading instructions.

I love things.

Except microcomputing

dinners.

I love reading instructions.

I hate instructions.

Don't be told what to do.

You know, or face consequences.

Oh, yeah.

Computer door is going to fucking spank you if you don't listen to what she says.

Well, anyways, how did it make you come or no?

No, I basically just put my soft cock in it for

a very funny way.

Sort of.

It did.

I don't know.

I just, I didn't know.

I'm going to give it another shot when I'm holding it.

Was it like, was your soft cock like pulled up?

Like, was it like.

Not really.

It started to get it.

I think it started to get it hard in a weird way.

I wasn't that aroused.

It kind of hurt.

It hurt.

That was my question.

What I would say is it would be much easier to get jerked off to get hard than to

put it in a cock pump.

Yeah, but what about the technology, dude?

That's true.

Well, listen, now that I know it's a water pump, I'm going to draw a nice fucking bubble bag.

It's a bath right there on the front of the box.

I didn't read the box, dude.

I took it out of the box at the time.

I like that you have the ability to not read words when they're in front of you.

That you can turn off your brain's ability to process letters.

I don't think, you know, that must be difficult, dude.

No, it's easy.

To not save a lot of time.

How will you know when you've arrived at Chipotle if you can't read the sign?

By the smell.

I close my eyes.

I don't even look.

I close my eyes when I go to Chipotle.

Anytime I go to a restaurant, I close my eyes and I look.

Well, anyway, I don't care about the pump.

I'm more interested in you trying out that.

Dude, that thing.

You gotta use it.

I'll use it once I guess.

My liking is so funny.

It's literally just a torture device for your cock.

It looks like dinosaur bones.

Yeah, I don't want to use it, but I will for the pod because I'm a team player.

I wonder if the guy who makes it, I'm sure he uses them.

For sure.

I'm sure he needs to.

This guy is just the biggest, strongest cock of all time.

He needs to sort of spread the gock.

You should have asked that guy for a picture of his cock as proof that it was.

I mean, he was so mad at me when I asked him if they had a book that I could read

in my 20 years.

Yeah,

but yes, I will.

Going back to your original point,

I would definitely use some kind of hair cream to grow my beautiful, luscious curls.

Yeah, sorry, I was was trying to Google this.

You had curly hair?

I had a nice curl.

Yeah, me too.

When it gets long.

Grow it out, man.

Prove it.

I did, dude.

I grew it out a couple of years ago.

Stupid.

It looked really bad.

I got a Bob.

It looked horrible.

Yeah, I looked like

the midget prince from Shrek.

The short guy.

What's his name?

John Lithgow.

Was he a count or a king?

I think he was the king.

I don't remember.

France.

But I don't remember either because my dick is too hard

yeah here we go the big bad awesome bratsu lotion fact hair loss talk forums

okay since the main thread keeps going what is bratzu lotion it's a lotion created by italian doctor giovanni brazu hell yeah dude i'm already in go put it on my cock and getting a werewolf dude it's this is such a funny world i love that balding can't be cured Like, no matter what, no matter what they try, it just doesn't work.

Yeah.

Because it's like, it's like such a like, it really affects people like on a psychological level and like destroys their lives.

But it's so quotidian that you can't really feel bad for them.

It'd be like if women's...

It's a little quotidian.

Look at Mr.

Bignus.

It's ubiquitous.

It's a thing that happens

every day.

I know ubiquitous.

You know that one?

Anyways,

yeah, it would be like if women got breast cancer, like every single woman got breast cancer at like 23.

And they had to get a tit cut off.

And then then, like, then all of the media was filled with people being like, ooh, fuck that one-titted bitch.

You know, they're like, Are you tired of only having one titty?

You bald, stupid cancer.

Yeah, they're like, if Elaine was missing a tit on Seinfeld

where she got a fake tit, and everyone was like, gross.

That's what baldness is.

It's like cancer.

I think the stakes are just as high as breast cancer and baldness.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's equally as dangerous.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would give millions of women breast cancer if I could have my hair better.

Yeah.

Yeah, whatever, dude.

I would wear, maybe, you know,

damn, just a life where I have beautiful, thick, luscious.

Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, that Italian hair cream.

I mean, I could just grow my hair out.

Well, Brazzu is supposed to have a conference next month.

Because you know what I do?

Here we go.

I look at pharmaceuticals to see who's got

research research pipelines for hair loss stuff and anything that seems like it's effective.

I monitor just the stock price or whatever.

Because I'm going to have to start investing at some point.

What I know about investing is you want to pick one stock and put every

dollar you've lost.

Yes, that's right.

Based on wild speculation

from the hair loss.

Dips even a little bit, sell everything.

Yeah, sell everything.

Sell everything.

As soon as you incur any kind of loss,

immediately solidify that loss by selling every single fucking chair you have.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Damn.

But I'm excited, dude.

I hope, because you know what?

I don't even think I'm going to go bald, but it would be nice to.

That would be like a fun thing for them to cure.

I think men deserve a win.

Yeah.

This year.

Baldness?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're going to kick baldness's ass.

Fuck baldness.

Doing like a 5K for baldness.

We should do that, dude.

We should literally start a fucking charity.

You can get ribbon or baldness.

I did a marathon for men who are going baldness.

There's no, like, the money's not going to anything.

There's no cure.

There's no treatment.

We just got to raise a bunch of money.

Time to knock out baldness.

Buy them all hats.

We get them visors where it looks like there's hair coming out of the top.

Yeah, those little silly visors.

Yeah, like it looks like you have

wacky hair.

Wacky.

I think.

You want to hear something that's going to be cool again?

Not cool yet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Visors.

I think visors are going to come back.

I guess.

No, I think visors.

Next two, next, well, for you, maybe.

Not for you.

No, visors are dumb.

Actually.

you would look like a retarded McDonald's employee.

I never see you.

What the fuck?

You said, nah, like I was like, I can't wait to wear a fucking visor.

I'm just saying, nah, like, that's why you hate visors is because you can't wear them.

Maybe I'm dumb.

I'm going to get into visors this summer look.

That's fine.

2018.

Now that I'm toothless, I'm thinking what I'm going to get into is overalls, no shirt, one undone.

Toothless.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One overall strap and drop dead gorgeous.

Exactly.

That's what I call my penis.

The retard from Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Drop Dead Gorgeous Retard.

That's my cock.

Parker Posey looks so good in that movie.

Yeah.

I would smash.

I look so good in that movie.

When were you?

I green screened myself into Drop Dead Gorgeous, and I masturbate to the two-hour movie I made with

just you standing on the side?

Yeah.

Just waving.

I added myself masturbating in the background.

Like Titanic.

Oh, really?

He's drawing rows.

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

I thought it'd be so funny if you could, and it was not even really that funny, but like you take that scene from Titanic and you edit it.

So you see, you know, Jack drawing Rose and then it pans out.

And then you see Rose on the couch, but you like Photoshop a dress onto her

so that it's just she's there wearing

titties.

She's drawing her naked.

That's solid.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Fuck.

I liked

what?

The movie Titanic.

Yo, I was just listening to the fucking about Chitanic, you know, and it's about like Chicago.

Chicago was Titanic.

Yep, that's a good idea.

Dude, Chicago shit is hot.

You got Chirac.

You got

Chirac?

That was like that movie from four years ago.

Yeah, Chicago.

I want an Oscar.

You got Chicago, Mir Max Pictures.

Richard Gere, Richard Gere Museum.

You got Chief Keefe,

one of the hottest rappers.

Everyone's talking about the Richard Gere Museum.

Is that a real museum?

Yeah, there's a gerbil wing at the Richard Gere Museum in Chicago.

Nice.

It's in the Willis Tower.

The top floor is all like the Richard Merrimack.

There's like a whole...

It's like the gerbil experience wing where you go and you're on a wheel for a while and then you're like in wood chips taking a shit.

And then the last room is you go into his asshole.

Yeah.

What's funny is you could have gotten Stobb to believe that there was a Richard Gere Museum at the top of the Willis Tower if you didn't say that gerbil shit.

Yeah, yeah.

He'd be like, seriously?

Is there not a museum?

No.

I didn't think it was in the fucking Willis Tower, but who knows, man?

You thought there was a Richard Gere Museum.

He's a fucking idiot.

He was a Liberace Museum.

Shut up, bitch.

Liberace was.

Your obvious ass fucking gerbil joke.

Liberace was a fucking actual staple.

not a gay guy according to fifth grade.

Okay, that's that's kind of just sort of a shitty actor that got way too much work.

Every gay guy gets a museum, yeah.

That's true.

I guess you're right.

What the fuck would be in the Richard Gear movie?

I don't know, stuff from every movie

officer and somebody walking around with a Mothman prophecy smug.

I didn't think it was like a big museum, but like even a little museum.

You know, it's like a room, yeah,

All right, check out my Days of Heaven snow globe

at the Richard Gere Museum.

I don't know, man.

The fuck.

I would be a whole part about him not jizzing, right?

Or something.

That's Sting.

No, it's Richard Gere, too.

I don't think so.

He hasn't jizzed in

30 years, I think.

I would say.

This is the whole thing.

His ball sack is like a suitcase.

He's a Buddhist, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a Buddhist.

There would be be some Buddhist shit in there.

Yeah, you could.

I'm just saying, man, there's little fucking shrines of guys.

That's great, dude.

I should get back into just meditating all the time and not dealing with any of the people.

Yeah, you were a Buddhist in high school, right?

No, not in high school.

And I was never really a Buddhist.

I would just,

I got into like Zen meditation

because it really is good for like if you don't have much control over your own fucking head, you know, and you got a lot of mental problems.

Yeah, if you got it.

To have like just

at least

one part of the week or the day or whenever where you have

some actual ability to

not be in a fucking

destructive downward spiral at will.

You can choose to just ignore things for 45 minutes or whatever.

It just demonstrates an ability to rein in your anxiety or whatever.

That's why I eat pussy.

Yeah.

I forget who I am.

Well, now that I'm in the bond,

I got some trees now.

I should sprout them.

How are they going?

Okay, we'll see.

You know, bonsai trees?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you going to smoke it?

Well, two of them sprouted.

Yes.

And I guess it was like legalize it.

I thought they did it wrong because the seed sprouted above the soil, so I repotted it upside down, but then just had the roots sticking it out.

Really?

And then I looked online, it was supposed to be that way, so I then dug it up again and put it back.

So I probably killed that.

You got a real green bone.

voice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have a bunch of plants that have been growing in my windowsill.

Yeah.

They're getting big.

I got to repot them, bitches, in bigger pots.

Yeah.

Well, I looked, I saw like I, you know, everyone's like, oh, well, Bonsai takes like patience or whatever.

It's going to take like six years till those are ever looking like trees.

Oh, well, that sucks.

And they're like six inch trees.

They're tiny.

They're little tiny trees, but they just look like plants for years and years and years years until it looks like a trees like trees yeah i guess six fucking years

that's what the japanese are all about baby yeah i'm gonna be like a six-year-old man with like a bunch of cool trees from when i was like 28 years old and you'll be remembering the times dude the wild sounds kind of good maybe i'll get some yeah well it is it is like that's why bonsai is cool is because you know you get to just waste your life looking at tiny trees but then it's like you know well what else are you going to do

um order thai food.

Yeah.

I did that yesterday.

Take a bunch of Adderall.

Yes.

Bonsai helps pull you out of the rat race.

You know what I mean?

It's true.

You feel like...

This painful existence we all live with

money for some reason.

Yeah.

What's that shit they do with like sand and then they like rape?

Zen garden.

That's a Zen garden.

But like you have Bonsai's in.

You get one of those at the Richard Gere Museum.

Yeah.

Dude, I'm saying I would pop into the Richard Gere Museum for a little bit.

Yeah, if they actually had one, I would see why there was a Richard Gere Museum.

Yeah, I would get plane tickets for the three of us to Chicago.

Of course.

I mean, of course it would be interesting if it actually existed.

But if I was like, let's say there was no such thing as the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, yeah, there's a car shaped like a hot dog that goes around promoting the world's shittiest hot dogs.

Yeah.

You'd be like, seriously?

You'd be like, no, you fucking idiot.

What would be the point of that?

And then they actually made one.

No, that's...

No, you just prove yourself wrong.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did no I didn't what was what how am I wrong because you didn't you don't dream to imagine I don't dream to imagine what you don't yes you don't you don't dare I'm sorry you don't dare to imagine you know if you told me that thing with the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile and it didn't exist I'd be like great can't wait to fucking see it you tell me the thing about Richard Gere Museum I'm like oh that's pretty stupid but that's cool stranger things have happened you know I'd love to go in and see you you know, the deleted scene where he actually penetrates Julia Roberts and Pretty Woman.

I'd like to see that.

Did he do that?

Oh, yeah.

Well,

that's because I dreamed to believe.

You dreamed to imagine.

Wait, he penetrates who?

He fucks Julia Roberts in the deleted scenes, and that's part of what's in the Richard Gear Museum.

Does that actually, is there a video of him penetrating Julia Roberts?

Yes.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, you can see fucking Christopher Lambert's balls in Fortress.

Yeah.

Well, in the world where the Richard Gere Museum exists, yeah, there is video of that.

That's the world I live in, Nick.

Okay?

Yeah.

A beautiful world where you could see his dick going to the Richard Space.

How about British pussy?

Because they're worried about doing numbers at the Richard Gere Museum.

They have the Gere and Space Museum.

Oh, it's the Air and Space Museum featuring Richard Gere.

Yep.

That's like, that's a fucking, that's a twofer.

That's perfect.

That's a great idea.

Smithsonian Gear and Space Museum.

It just becomes a dumbass idea for a museum if it's just Richard Gere to a very good deal.

Yeah.

Right?

Because then you got Richard Gere and you got Spain.

And you go see a fucking shuttle.

Yeah, dude.

You can go see the

like, I believe by 19, by the end of the decade, we will put a man on the moon.

You just go into the next room, and it's like,

but it's some kind of moth man.

You know?

And then what's the one where his wife cheats on him?

Unfaithful.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We talked about that the other day.

I used to jack off to that.

That's a hot movie.

She really gets pounded out by that guy.

By that Spanish guy.

And then he kills her at the end.

He does?

Yeah.

And he goddamn.

He kills the other man.

Oh, Richard Gere kills the guy?

Yeah.

Oh, that's cool.

The other guy,

Diane Lane, gets railed the fuck out in like a staircase.

I used to jack off to that.

That sounds pretty good.

All the time.

Diane Lane's married to Josh Brolin.

Josh Brolin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No country for old men.

Yeah.

No pussy for

gay Nick.

No.

He got you.

Honestly, he got you.

No.

Honestly.

That's not a movie.

He got you.

That's not a movie.

Yep.

That's what I like to call fatality.

Fuckality.

Fuckality.

Thank you.

I'm mad now.

Sorry, dude.

No pussy for gay Nick.

How dare you take me?

No pussy for gay nick.

Sorry that I like him

and use it against me.

In a very

starring my close programme.

My best friend, Josh Bros.

He said good set to you.

Yeah.

He said, great job, man.

Wow, that must have felt cool.

Yeah, it did.

That was a highlight of my comedy career.

And trust me, I've had a lot of peaks.

Montreal, seven years ago.

Yes.

Seven years ago.

Are you serious?

That's how fucking long ago I did Montreal.

That's hilarious.

Who is your year?

Wait, hold on.

Joe Liss?

It's 2018.

DeVito, Joe List, you?

Yeah.

Yeah, me, Joe Liss, DeVito, Ray Romano, Jim Carrey.

She,

Shecky Green.

Yeah.

Don Rickles.

Carl Marx.

Whoa.

He was one of the Marx brothers.

Yeah.

Wow.

I fucked with Harpo.

Which one was he?

The one that looks like you?

Oprah.

He's the one that had the curls, and he was a clown.

Oprah took her name from.

Her name's supposed to be Harpo Backwards.

She loved the Marx Brothers.

Yeah.

I don't want to get problematic, but

those people are always stealing.

Yeah.

People from Chicago.

Yeah, yeah, him.

From Chirac.

I want everyone to look under your seats.

It's two tickets to the Richard Deere Museum.

You're going to the Richard Deere Museum.

You're going to the Richard Deere Museum.

You're going to the Richard Deere Museum.

Sounds fucking great, man.

I don't know what the fuck you guys are on.

The Richard Gear Museum.

I would love to go there.

We should probably end the episode.

Yeah.

What's today?

Is it the weekend?

Normal episode?

Oh, yeah.

This is a regular today episode.

It's going up in a couple hours.

We're trying to add

an extra show in Boston, but you know, the first one is probably going to be pretty bad, to be honest with you.

I'm not feeling it.

I'm kind of getting out of sand up again.

That's fine, dude.

I kind of feel that way too.

It sold out.

You'll never know what that feels like, Adam.

I've sold out multiple times.

You've never sold out.

Yes, I have.

My late show is not sold out yet, guys, at the Good Good Comedy Theater on the 17th this Saturday, motherfucking St.

Patrick's Day.

Yeah, dude, bring him some ice cream sandwiches.

That's what he wants.

Please don't.

Bring him some of that good tea.

If everybody out there, if you why don't you all flood Stav's inbox with pictures of ice cream?

No,

DM him that.

Make him have to search through pages and pages of ice cream that will certainly set him off on a relapse before he can find it.

Literally, yesterday was the first day in like three weeks I have not had ice cream.

So please don't do that.

So the 17th, yeah, this Saturday, please come out to that.

Still takes to the 11.30 and maybe one or two to the 10 o'clock.

So please get those.

And, you know, come say what's up to your boy in the Illadelph.

And I'm getting my fucking...

I'd also like to plug my biopsy, which is tomorrow.

So if you're in the North Bergen country.

Oh yeah, I'm excited to see how that turns out.

Oh yeah, hashtag stop strong.

So if you're in the North Bergen area, Bergen County.

North Bergen, that's like by

upstate New York.

Is it?

I think.

I don't think so.

Maybe it's in Jersey.

I don't fucking know.

Yeah.

It's an hour from here.

And if you want to buy Sopranos Country.

I hope my mouth's not too fucked up.

But they're slicing into that shit.

So you and then you have a show two nights later and fucking.

Follow me fine.

Did they say that?

Yeah, Yeah, they did.

You asked.

Yeah, you can talk the day of, but it's kind of hurts, and then the next day you're fine.

Okay.

How about this, a guyopsy?

You know, where they cut your dick off

to say that you're a dude.

They cut your dick off to make sure you're a dude.

Yeah, they have to do it.

To make sure it's not a fake dick.

You test it.

Yeah, I just got a guy option done.

Tested positive.

I don't have a dick anymore, though.

But I'm definitely a guy.

Guys only.

And then I guess we might as well start plugging the next funny moms.

Thanks for coming out, everyone.

But on the 26th, it was a fun one.

This is the one.

This is the next one.

And we have a couple.

We've already booked a couple great comics.

Mark Norman and Parner will be there.

So come out.

All right.

Bye.

Take advantage of the EV lease incentive and leave the ordinary behind with an epic lineup of electric and hybrid vehicles at the ready.

And right now, qualified lessees of Dodge Charger Daytona, Jeep Grand Cherokee 4xE, and Wrangler 4xE may be eligible for a 7,500 EV lease incentive through Stellontis Financial Services to be factored into their lease calculation.

When leased through Stellantis Financial Services, not all lessees will qualify.

This incentive is offered by a third party as a cap cost reduction and is subject to change without notice.

Lessee cannot claim EV incentive on personal tax return.

Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.

Restrictions apply.

Contact your dealer for details.

Offer ends 930.