Ep. 91 – Cum Town Classic

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Little stupid ass.

Oh, yeah.

So.

So, I was at the...

The...

I was telling Stavros earlier, but now it's for the fans.

Hit him with it, baby.

I was at this, they got this bodega that's Korean, this little like Korean grocery store, and it's like a nice place.

You know, it's well-lit.

It's not like the, it's not filled with flies and dust like a normal bodega.

That's right.

Uh, they got like

you know, a cool, like, oh, if you go into a bodega and all the raps have like clever names, yes, you know, that always throws me off when you go into a bodega and like the any thought has been put into it.

Right, the raps are named like the

Merovingian, the Merovingian,

the Merovingian, And it's like this Matrix-inspired.

Right, right, right.

Or the Billy Joel.

And then the guys working there are like, what son is you want?

Who named these?

I know it wasn't Muhammad.

Right, right, right.

He's barely wearing a shirt.

Oh, yes.

You know?

My man's got a dirty-ass bead.

My Muslim friend over here.

You know what I'm talking about?

Muslims don't know how to name Sam.

My Muzzo.

Yeah.

Do they...

Who were you hanging out with who called someone a Muzzo?

Brandon.

Somebody called somebody a muzzle?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that Brandon.

British guy.

British guy.

What's that?

Brandon Burns.

Brandon Burns, yeah.

Yeah, he called someone a Muzzo.

And I, you heard that?

I was like, no, he said he's got a Muzzo beard.

Muzzo beard.

That's it sounded amazing, but maybe it's just a fun

thing they say over there.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Well, they have those beards.

I don't know what's wrong.

Doesn't Muzzo sound like a slur?

Sure, because it's shorter.

It has O at the end.

Are there any slurs that end in O?

Dago.

That's what it was.

Yeah.

Dago sounds so good.

That one, you feel nice.

Negro.

I think you can say that.

No, N-I-G-R-O.

That's like how the Klan says Negro.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's like a racist way to pronounce it.

They put a little sting on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They'll say Negro, but then they'll...

In front of a camera, that's how they say the N-word, basically, even in the 60s.

Anyways, I'm in this bodega.

This is nice Korean bodega.

And they're just blasting that

little stupid ass bitch.

I don't fuck with you.

That's you.

Big Sean, I don't fuck with you.

I don't fuck with you.

And it's just on way too loud, you know?

And it was like, there could be families coming up.

Right, right, right, right, right.

We're in New York City.

There's families about you.

Absolutely.

Everyone knows that about you, Nick.

You're a family values type of guy.

You know, you're always worried about.

Yeah.

I said, what if a child heard this fucking shit?

Yes.

What if some dumb fucking cunt child

heard this black bullshit?

Yeah.

Then the kids are gonna want to fuck black guys.

I'm tired of dealing.

I dealt with that in the adult world enough.

That's why I started fucking children in the first place.

So I don't have to worry about getting cucked.

Because being a pedophile is a white issue.

So good.

A guy who becomes a pedophile.

He's not even attracted to it.

I just got tired of my girlfriend's fucking black guys.

You know, children, there's no black pedophiles, so I don't have to worry about it.

Anyways, yeah, they're blasting that.

I put a feel of kicks around age 13.

I get up to the register and

the Korean guy behind the counter is like, this stupid ass beach I don't fuck with you.

Singing along.

That's nice, man.

A little melting pot.

That's the kind of anecdote you guys are going to get on this one.

This is, some might say, officially the start of Cometown Season 2 because we're back to basics, baby.

Yeah, dude.

Adam's gone and we didn't replace him.

Yeah, we just said, fuck it.

And we're doing an Astoria, like the first one ever.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a nice, nice 68 degrees in beautiful New York-ass city today.

And I rode my bicycle all the way up here.

My bicycle, which somebody stole the pump off my bike.

What a fucking prick.

I know.

It was a $15 bicycle pump.

Maybe he needed first cock.

Well, which you, I mean.

I don't need that.

I don't have that issue anymore because I have a beautiful Hercules cock pump.

Yeah.

Which I honestly have yet to try, unfortunately.

But we'll get there.

Yeah, try it out.

You know, let the fans know.

I certainly spent a lot of money on it, so I would hope you would.

I appreciate it, man.

It's not going to go to waste.

At least take it out of the box.

It's already been out of the box.

I've already kind of looked at it.

Yeah, we did that at the live show.

I've fucked a couple times since,

and I have not used it, but

I'm off all the, even the weird or like gas station dick pills, I'm off everything.

And I got to say, my dick is back to being like.

Gas station dick pills would be a great name for like a really shitty punk band.

It's like your friend's band.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, oh, I gotta go see, I gotta go see the Pills.

The Pills are playing.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

The Pills are playing Jonathan's

next week.

And I gotta go.

All their songs are named after brands.

Rhino X and fucking Samurai Hentai.

There's one where it's Ryu and it's like Street Fighter characters just having sex with each other.

Ryu and Ken.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, it's Ryu and the bitch with the fans.

I was either, I started off, I wanted to get a shirt.

I'm gonna make the next shirt idea is

Tailspin Baloo, fucking coconut broad drag

blue from the King Louis scene in Jungle Book.

Now, explain to me sort of the backstory there.

Is that all happening in Baloo's head?

No.

Is that easy beating off or something?

Well, I wanted to get, I wanted to get, initially, what I wanted was either on either bicep or either ass cheek, tailspin blue, and then coconut bra drag balloon from the King Louis scene.

That's what, me also, me.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Tweet that.

You know what I'm saying?

The two worlds.

The two Two genders.

The two worlds.

Yeah, that's the two genders.

Is Tailspin blue and coconut bra drag scene?

King Louis scene blue.

Anyways, yeah.

You should.

And I vote for Ass Cheek, by the way.

It would be a good look.

Oh, yeah.

I would love to see that.

You know, that porn angle where it's just the guy's ass and his balls for some reason.

And you can just sort of see the woman's thighs and feet, and you don't really see any of her.

Yeah, it feels like a hack thing to bring up.

Like, I feel like I've heard other people talk about this, but it took a while for them to stop doing male face close-ups and pornography.

It really did.

These just do, like, and then this is.

There's a cut of the guy being like, oh, yeah, a shot of the guy enjoying himself.

I don't want to see that at all.

Nobody wants to see that.

And never.

Who's that for?

Closeted gay men who probably, I mean, I don't think you're closeted if you're.

But then why are you watching Stray Porn?

Oh, yeah.

Imagine being that far in the closet.

Oh, yeah.

You know, maybe it's for those Kinsey fellas.

Although, if you wanted to fuck a man's ass and he's plowing the woman, maybe that's who that ball angle's for, too.

Yeah.

You're seeing an ass kind of open.

Sneaky Sammy.

You know, the guy who likes to come in while you're fucking a girl, and you're like, this pussy feels great.

Wait a minute.

And he's like, hello.

Hello, boys.

And he's fucking your ass.

Whoa, dude.

That's.

What's that?

What's that one?

The Houdini is already something.

What should it be called?

Well, the Houdini is.

What is that one again?

Yeah, it's like

you and your friend switch real quick, and then you're fucking outside of a window.

Oh, right.

It's rape.

The Houdini is rape.

Yeah, the woman is

to

be facing a window.

Yes,

there's a lot of logistics in those.

Yeah.

You know?

I think that's a privileged thing that you would assume people have access to a window.

Well, a window large enough, a bay window.

Some of us don't have windows and we don't have friends either.

That's right.

You need a first-floor apartment.

That's true.

Or

one of those window washer things.

At first, I was going to say the clamps, but that's not a real guy.

The spider.

You know the guys that will try and climb hundred-story buildings every once in a while?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I also like that the premise of that is you and your friend have to have the same dick.

Same exact size dick.

And you also have to kind of like the rhythm.

You have to really catch it just right.

Right.

I don't think there's any

like how what woman is that out of it, you know, that she doesn't know.

No, she's drugged.

In which case, like.

It's already rape.

Yeah, there's eight different layers of rape involved here.

Yeah.

That's another good punk band.

Eight layers of rape.

Eight layers of rape.

Also, the

dip.

Also, yeah, the whole

eight layers of rape is another.

Yeah, a nice casserole.

I feel like we were talking about something before that.

Were we?

Porn, the guy's ass.

Why were we talking about porn?

Did I bring it up?

Yeah, no, yeah, you did.

God damn it.

Do you want to move the recorder closer to me?

We don't have a table.

Oh, we should address, too, that Adam is.

Adam is in L.A.

Yeah, he had to go to Los Angeles and cancel doing the podcast so he could hang out with Brandon Wardell

who

cucked him, who hang out, cucked him.

Yeah, yeah, he told him he was in a fight with his girlfriend, right?

What a fucking asshole.

That was a real dick move, for sure.

I don't mind even saying that publicly, because if you're going to do something

that rude to a friend,

even a fucking piece of shit friend like Adam.

Like Adam, like a gay guy, like a gay bitch like Adam.

Adam got some bad news recently, too.

I don't want to put his business out there, but it turns out

all those jokes you were making about

his dick being really small.

Him being gay.

It's true, the test came back.

Yeah.

And he's medically homosexual.

So we're going to start a.

No,

he did get some bad news, though.

Did we talk about that?

No, I mean, well, no, I mean, just, you know, take it easy on Adam, I guess.

We don't have to go into his business, but yeah.

No, he got some pretty bad news.

He's been banned from Israel.

It sucks, man.

He was just trying to go to the Hooters in Tel Aviv.

Yeah, that was his safety country, was Israel.

In case he's no longer welcome in the United States,

should things go according to plan.

So, yeah, we're doing the podcast in Eldis's room.

Yeah, we're in Eldis' room.

He's in Paris right now.

He did not give me permission to use his room.

He's in Paris, huh?

By himself?

No, he's with his girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, it would be funny if he went by himself.

Yeah, that seems like a thing he would do.

Yeah, he went on a crepe-tasting tour of Paris.

I love the Eiffel Tower.

I can't wait to meet the Eiffel Tower.

Have you been to Gay Pali?

Yeah,

he rents a bicycle and his pants get sucked into the spokes like Homer.

It's a clown when Homer has to be crusty.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, so yeah, it was very nice.

And we've already fucked it up pretty good with stuff.

He can suck my nuts as far as I'm concerned.

Amen to that.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

So, yes, we are in Eldis's room.

I just took a fat shit in his bathroom.

He's got a private bathroom.

Amen.

Why the fuck did that the thing they say in the Bible?

Oh, interesting.

I never thought of that.

Yeah.

I mean, I think that's pretty good evidence that Jesus is black.

Mm-hmm.

Because only black people say amen.

Well, you know, I mean, like,

amen.

You're right.

That's all that.

I don't need to be convinced further than that.

That's true.

Done, then, done.

Although, wouldn't he be like Egyptian-looking or some shit?

Would he really be black?

He was black, dude.

Jesus was Black Panther.

Oh, shit.

I haven't seen that.

Have you seen the movie yet?

No,

I'm going to tour it.

I buy most movies now, but I'm going to steal that one.

I was making myself laugh the other day.

It's like

that one, huh?

That one specifically.

I was making myself laugh the other day because it's like, I was going to go see Black Panther, but I hate all that Marvel bullshit.

Yeah.

And I was going to go by myself, and it's like, I should probably be high for this.

Sure.

And it's like, well, it's Black Panther, so I should probably smoke crack instead of weed.

In a dashic,

smoking crack.

Smoking crack in a theater.

Woo!

Wakanda!

Goddamn, dude.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, we should go.

We should hit up Harlem, you know?

Yeah.

Smoke crack in the chicies.

Go to Magic Johnson.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like

one of those white guys that goes way too hard into trying to

patronize black people.

What is up, my brother?

Just keep on crack.

Blessings, my brother.

I cannot wait to see Black Panther.

I'm on crack right now.

As a gesture to you and your people.

I started smoking the beautiful rock.

Africa's beautiful rock.

Like the mother diamond that gave birth to us all.

Beautiful crack rock.

We are all brothers and sisters and children of crack.

Mother crack rock.

We all.

The first man smoked crack.

That's the circle of life, baby.

Yeah, man.

The earliest man was from Africa and he smoked crack.

Yeah.

It's fucked up what they're doing in those crack mines in Zimbabwe.

Yeah.

Forcing young

African spirits.

That's the real blood diamond.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Crack.

The blood diamond.

A guy's asshole.

A gay guy's asshole.

Yeah.

I was going to see that's where we're released, Missing Adam, because I was going to say blood out of

habit, the blood diamond, I was going to say Adam's asshole, but he's not here.

Well, it's important that I stay focused because I can't have this be a shit episode and then people think that Adam is necessary to the show.

The problem is that we just went and got all that shitty.

We had a beautiful day.

We had a nice day.

It was a nice day, but that barbecue is fucking terrible.

We really loaded up on

shitty brisket and burnt ends.

I don't want to say the name of the place.

Because you know what?

I gave like a glowing review to the smoke joint joint, and then they followed me on Instagram.

So I forget the people actually listening to this shit.

Right.

Yeah, we shouldn't trash it, but it wasn't great.

Yeah.

This is not.

I didn't go to the smoke joint.

No, no, no.

Let that.

On the record, the smoke joint's good.

Although I will say, if you are in Queens and you want barbecue, you should go to John Brown's smokehouse rather than

the place we went.

Yes.

So there's only two barbecue places that I know of.

Yes, yes, yes.

One of them is god-awful.

And if you wind up there, you should make sure you let your waitress know.

That Nick Mullen, a guy she will know.

Dead, yeah.

We had a beautiful day, though, and it was nice, dude.

It was that weather where I realized, fuck, it's not going to be cold.

I'm going to have to be fat in less layers soon.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Now all the working out that you do that I was calling you gay for.

Yeah.

It's about to come in handy.

It's going to pay off, dude.

Sun's out, guns out.

Right around the corner.

Fuck.

I got to get big guns, dude.

Yeah.

How do I get my arms big and nothing else big, Nick?

I mean, you just do curls.

Curls?

Yeah, curls.

And like rowing, I guess.

Rows help.

Heavy rows and then switch, move over to curls.

I'm just gonna fucking curl, dude.

Nice pump.

I'm gonna be.

You're gonna catch me in a fucking beater everywhere.

Why don't you just stick your arms in that tube, the dick sucking machine I got you?

You think that would help?

Yeah, for sure.

Just

cock pump my arms.

Yeah.

Ooh, does it work for muscle biceps as well?

It should.

Okay.

I mean,

theoretically.

Man, it is a, it's, I am fucking sleepy.

That fucking barbecue really hit your ass, huh?

It did.

I just checked the time to see how far we are.

We've done three and a half minutes.

We've done

eight minutes and 30 seconds.

Yeah.

I felt like we had a hot first five minutes.

No, we're doing good.

We're fine.

I had something I wanted to talk about.

specifically for Come Town.

What are these dumbass books that Aldous has?

You want to roast those?

Butterfly stories?

Well, he's got 100 Years of Solitude, which, like, not a bad book, but you should have read that when you were much younger, Eldis.

You're 37 years old.

Fucking idiot.

Butterfly Stories.

That does sound gay.

Yeah.

I will admit.

A book that just says Karl Marx on it.

Does it for real?

Yeah, that's it.

That's pretty funny.

And then psychoanalysis and psychopathology.

Whoa.

Damn.

Eldous is trying to be smart.

Yeah, he really does.

He should lean into being a fucking idiot because he's just as stupid as I am and I'm very stupid.

Yeah.

But he likes to pretend he's smart.

I also like that he hides his scale under his bed.

Oh, he has not looked at that for a while, man.

Like it was a gun.

My man has not fucking hit the damn scale at all.

He's getting fat as hell.

Yeah.

Yeah, everybody's getting fat except me.

Yeah, it's annoying.

I wish you were fat again, dude.

Yeah.

You were humble and sad when you were fat.

I know.

Now you're a peacock.

i am you're peacock and you got your feathers out dude i gotta be hot dude i gotta that's gotta that's my my main mental focus is not on writing bits or making sure the show goes well it's be it's be maintaining being sexy as hell being hot and maintaining hot status when was the hottest you've ever been in your life do you remember when i was like 23.

did you a ton at that age no not really i've always i'm just kind of always in a relationship i guess so but you don't want to let the hog out and run do you?

I don't like it.

It's kind of a burden.

It's like a drag to just fuck

a bunch of different people.

Yeah, it does get emotional.

It's fun.

Yeah, it's well, it's not emotional.

It's just like, it's just fucking annoying.

There's like all the techistics, a lot of texting.

You realize you're fucking if you fuck one person, you're fucking a lot more.

For sure.

And it's better quality fucking.

To have to, like, yeah, like every time just be like, so what do you do?

The first time, yeah.

I was doing that.

I was like, fucking, you know, whoever.

And I had to, like, read.

Some girl sent me like some paper she wrote in college.

She's like, read it.

Let me know what you think.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

You've been on Tinder.

The price to bust this nut is far too high.

Right.

Yeah.

I see, dude.

That's what I'm saying.

That woman should be in jail.

Oh, yeah.

She's going to get what's coming to her, if you know what I'm saying.

Don't you worry, pal.

We sent some goons over to her house.

Yeah.

Some of our Miramax friends.

Hey, you want to be in the movies?

I saw an article where

I wonder how Harvey Weinstein's doing in sex rehab.

Yeah, well, the way they cure it, it's kind of like a fever where it's like you have to feed a fever.

My man looks like he also needs chex rehab.

You know what I mean?

Been eating too much chex mix, Harvey.

Take that, Harvey.

You sexy bitch.

Oh, he's so hot, dude.

He is, dude.

Yeah, that's your body idol, right?

You want to get to that point.

Did you see Dane Cook lately?

Yeah, he he looks identical to Harvey ones.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah.

Which is so funny because he was like the comedian that takes his shirt off.

Yeah.

And he wasn't ever in shape, really.

He just wasn't disgusting.

I think he had like a run of being sort of in shape.

All he did was work out.

Bobby used to tour with him back then, back when Bobby was

in shape.

Bobby's had the most hilarious bodies of all time.

Because he used to actually be ripped.

And now he's fat as hell.

But he said there was a run where he hit because Bobby lived in L.A.

with Dane Cook, and they would like run up

the canyon or whatever the fuck, whatever canyons out there that everyone runs.

Yeah, and then he was ripped and shit.

I mean, he probably fucked a ton back in those days.

Who, Bobby?

No, I mean, Bobby, yes, but Dane Cook.

He was the first guy to fuck off MySpace.

Maybe the only guy to fuck off MySpace.

No, I fucked off MySpace.

You did?

Everyone fucked off.

You fucked off MySpace?

Yeah.

I was late to the MySpace game.

I didn't trust it.

I thought it was like a scam.

That's how I didn't have the internet at all.

Like, I was like, you put your picture on it?

Yeah, right.

How about a character named Shane Cook instead of Dane Cook?

And then fuck kids.

That's good.

Wow, that's really good.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

What else, man?

What are the Dane Cook characters?

Bane Cook.

Bane Cook.

He's like,

Yeah, you something about the dark.

BK.

The B.K.

Lounge.

You merely adopted the dark.

I painted it all over my face.

He also does black face.

Yeah, that's that's pretty good.

That was the first design for Bane.

Mm-hmm.

There's a guy who's got a bunch of chocolate all over his mouth.

He was simple, dude.

He's streamlined.

Yeah, it would be great if there's a scene where they pull off Bane's mask and he's got big

lips, big fake lips.

Just Kylie Jenner lips.

That's why he talks like that.

This is his lip gloss.

He's just got huge DSLs out of there.

Come on, Batman.

Hey, yes, Batman.

Hey, what's up, dude?

Batman's like, I'm coming in my pants.

You weren't prepared for this.

That's a secret weapon.

He just gets Batman hard and horny as shit.

He's going to go a bean.

Big Angelina.

Put the mask back on.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Batman.

Big Angelina Joe Lee lips.

Just saunters over, what do we have here?

Yes.

The character's name is Brain.

And he sucks Dan.

Oh, fuck.

Just in the middle of Dark Night, or whatever that movie was called,

just a seven-minute scene of Brain sucking his cock P.O.V.

And then it goes right back in.

When Gotham is in ashes, then you have my permission to come.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's good, man.

I love Brain.

Yeah, dude.

Brain's my favorite.

And then instead of Joker, there's Jelker.

Yeah.

And it's the Joker.

And he's obsessed with getting his dick longer and bigger.

You want to see how I got my dick out this longer?

Instead of Two Face, it's two inches.

Maybe we should listen to the Joker.

No, we can't listen to him.

Maybe the Joker's got some idea.

No, my dick's fine.

Rachel!

She couldn't ever come.

It's my fault.

I could have done more.

I could have hit the back walls.

Oh, fuck.

How about instead of two-faced, it's two-race.

Two-race.

Ooh, that's half-blackface.

Yeah.

He's like deciding whether or not to kill Batman.

He's like, it's not up to me.

Then he flips a coin and comes back on the scratch side.

And he's like, she'll bug up.

I'm about to bust a cabin yard.

Harvey, you're better than this.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah, that's good, man.

That's really good.

And how about this?

Gay Alfred.

Masterwine,

I just want to suck you off.

Ever since you were a little boy, the only thing I could think about was sucking you off.

When your parents died, I made a promise to them that I would suck you off one guy.

Oh, yeah, pal.

Yeah, there's some other.

Oh, this is a Batman.

Now I'm going out of the movies, but there's a Batman villain named the Clock King.

Oh, well, that one's the cock.

The cockring.

The cockring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about the guy who has

that puppet?

You know that guy?

Puppet?

I don't remember what the guy's called, but in the animated series, he's like, the boss is the puppet, the mob boss is the puppet.

That sounds sort of familiar.

Nah, fuck him.

Forget Penguin.

Penguin?

The peggwen.

Pegwen.

And then he gets pegged.

Peng.

Scatwoman.

Scatwoman.

Yep.

She's got a bunch of shit in her pussy.

Yeah.

She's exactly like Catwoman.

What do you make of it, Batman?

There's a bunch of feces all over the diamonds.

Looks like it was Scatwoman.

She tried to sneak them out in her pussy and they fell out because it's too loose.

Yeah, very good.

Very good.

Poison Ivy.

What do we got?

Poison H.

Ivy.

There he is.

It's just a gay guy in green in a green shirt.

All right.

Dr.

Freeze.

Oh, yeah, Mr.

Freeze.

Mr.

Freeze.

He was a doctor.

He's not Dr.

Freeze.

No, he's not, is he?

He's Mr.

Freeze.

But he's got an accent, so he's Mr.

Geez.

And he's like, I can't wait to cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My wife is dead, so I have frozen all of my cheese

so I can make a baby when I bring her back.

He's freezing gallons in his own calm

in the hopes that he'll be able to bring his wife back.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I think we got all the meat off that bone.

Where are we at on time?

Oh, good.

Fuck that.

That was fucking good, though, man.

Yeah, yeah.

No, there's still a couple more.

You think we got a couple more?

Yeah, definitely.

I don't think you realize how many stupid Batman characters there were.

Yeah, those are just the...

Oh, did we do the Riddler?

Not yet.

The Diddler.

Was that too easy?

Child Molesto?

It's just the N- The Riddler.

The N-word.

But it ends in E-R.

Yeah.

Well, no, it ends in L-E-R.

Oh, man.

That's a really funny word.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm imagining it.

And I do want to say this is the most I've ever been tempted to drop an N-bomb on the podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's like his thing is he goes into the bank and he says that and people are like, what the fuck did he just say?

He's like, it's not the same one.

Technically, I'm okay.

And they're like, I don't know what to do.

And he's like, well, give me the money.

Oh, it's a white guy.

Who says it?

People can't figure out.

Is that I mean, technically, it's not it.

I think it's.

We don't think this is Batman.

Am I allowed to say this?

He's like, I don't know.

No.

I don't know.

Is that a bad word or not?

Just dropping a very strategic L in the middle of that word.

He has it written all over his clothes, too.

Just say it.

The blankler.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

Oh, fuck.

Sex Luther?

No, that's

not Superman, but I like Sex Luther.

That's just a black guy named Luther.

You know what I'm saying?

Superman is

trying to bust.

Just a cool, bald black guy that loves fucking.

Sex Luther.

And it's like,

he harms Superman by having a big addict.

Superman's only weakness is still having a white dick, despite being able to fly.

He's a fly, he's got x-ray vision, but he's still got a cool 5.75.

Damn, that would suck being Superman with a little dick.

And listen, man, 5.75, there's nothing really that wrong with that size dick, you know, just in general.

I'm just saying.

Well, for Superman.

I mean, just in general, though, you know, yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

I do like how they're like, yeah, the average dick is five inches.

Right.

That's counting children or something.

I don't understand.

Of course, yeah.

That's wild.

It's counting women.

Yeah.

They measured all the women's dicks, too.

How little are some people's dicks?

I mean, that's wild.

I know.

That's insane.

I can't imagine.

I mean, I feel like I'm right on the borderline.

If I missed a fucking centimeter of cock, I would feel horrible.

Oh, do you measure in the metric system?

Yeah, of course, dude, because there's more numbers.

It feels bigger.

All right.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, of course.

That's smart.

I have a 40 dick.

My love is 40.

When women ask me how big my dick is, I answer in degrees.

You know, in Fahrenheit.

Yeah.

It's not very big, but it's very hot.

That's what women like.

A nice burning dick.

I tell them how much potential energy my dick holds.

It's like the Olympic torch.

Oh, yeah.

You're about to get fucked by all of the Zimbabwe national bobsled teams.

That's right.

They're back.

What about Commissioner Gordon?

What is he?

Commissioner Horden.

Horden.

He's a whore.

He's a prostitute.

Commissioner James Corden.

Come eat shiner, Gordon.

Come eats an Er Gordon.

Just a big bowl.

He's hitting you with a spoon.

Come into my office, Batman.

You don't mind if I have lunch while we talk to you.

He turns around and Batman's gone.

And he was like, that's the rudest guy in the world.

There's this cum over there.

Spilling all over his I Love Cum baby.

He just like opens a can.

It that looks beer, but it's cum

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

That's yeah, we're not gonna top cum Eatson or Gordon.

Oh, fuck dude.

Oh, man.

It's like I keep thinking, like, oh, we're not gonna top that bit, but then another one comes up.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, if you think of one at any point, just

say it, you know.

Yeah, but I really can't.

Well, there's what other Batman villains were there?

The Scarecrow.

Oh, of course.

The Cheryl Crow.

Cheryl Crowe is just a Batman villain.

Stop.

Stop.

That music sucks.

Turn the fucking music off.

That shit is fucking gay.

I'd like to.

I can't think of a single Cheryl Crowe song.

I want to suck off the sun.

Oh, is that her?

I think so.

All of those women I combined into one person.

Shania.

Shania Twain.

Shania, I know.

Because the

woman.

Shania's got some jams, dude.

And that, I think we probably.

I don't know how we feel.

Shania is also like a true salt of the earth blue-collar, toothless appellation woman.

I want to fuck her.

That fucking.

I don't.

Is it respect you much?

That don't impress me.

That don't impress me, man.

That video when she's in, like, I think a leopard bodysuit, or maybe I'm remembering that, but I definitely beat off the leopard.

She doesn't have teeth.

Really?

Yeah.

I like that, dude.

I might be confusing her with Celine Deion.

She's probably a toothless Montreal bitch, right?

Yeah.

Celine?

Yeah.

But no, Shania is sexy, dude.

I definitely crank the

hoggerino to that.

Yeah.

Who else, though, when you're saying all those women, who else are you thinking of?

Ooh, you know who else I beat off to?

The fucking God was one of us, bitch.

Meredith.

Oh, I don't even know who she is.

Yeah, whatever.

You know who was sexy?

Natalie Ambrugulia.

Natalie.

No, I know her because she's hot as shit.

She's hot as.

But like Alanis and

Cheryl Crowe and fucking Fiona.

She's hot too, though.

Apple.

Fiona Apple gets the Salich.

Tony Braxton.

Yeah, Tony Braxton.

Another lady I beat off too.

Big old juicy.

Atetonaz.

Yeah.

Who else?

I was thinking of someone else that I beat off to.

I'm thinking about Come Each and Ergordon.

Come eats in our gordon is probably the best thing we've ever said, dude.

Man, come in.

I'm just warming up my cum.

He can't even move his mouth sometimes.

There's too much cum.

It's like when you eat too much peanut butter.

Oh, fuck.

One second.

Oh, shit.

A little cinnamon in there.

It's funny in the microwave sometimes to switch it up.

He's got cum popsicles also.

He just eats it in every form.

Up there by the bat signal, spotlight,

just drinking a big gulp of cum

straw.

A big, big gold thermos.

God damn it, Batman.

It's cold out here.

Sometimes he's got it in a little flask.

He has to really shake it to get it out of the fucking little hole.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Yeah, just had someone's funeral drinking come out of a flask.

Come eats in her gordon, baby.

That's the best character.

That's the best comic book character there ever was.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, that one got me good.

I can't tell if this is, people are going to enjoy listening.

Listen, man, I don't give a fuck.

This gave us Cum Eatson or Gordon, and that's all, dude.

I mean, even Brain, the very beginning, was pretty good.

Oh, man, now I know why we need Adam on the show.

To derail,

well, maybe, maybe

Adam's problem is that he derails him too quickly.

He just needs to wait a little bit.

Well, I don't know.

Who's going to listen to an hour of two people laughing like retards about gummy jungle

gordon?

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

All right, let's talk about something else.

Oh, fuck, dude.

How about that guy they caught in Montgomery County about to do a school shooting?

I didn't see that.

Here's what they caught him with.

So he brought a gun to school, right?

And they were like, all right, we got to check this out.

And they caught his ass.

They went to his house and found

15 grenades,

a detonator for C4 landmines, a tactical vest, a fucking AR-15, and just like a list of grievances.

Also, an Asian would have been another Asian school shooter.

Oh, damn.

We're due for one of those.

It's been a while.

I guarantee you, an Asian is going to set the record.

It's true.

We're going to have another Asian, and they're going to make Steven Paddock look like

just a loser.

Absolutely.

They're going to make him look like a really just uncool inquiry.

Well, this motherfucker had lion minds.

He had a detonator.

He was going to set off fucking bombs under the school.

That's bad.

That would have been honestly cool.

I mean, it would have been fucked up, but pretty cool.

I mean, imagine my lamb.

And he had a list of grievances against students and teachers.

Was his list of grievances like number two, good luck chicken?

Number three.

There was a part of the grievances.

Garlic pepper sauce.

Part of the grievances were the lunch special.

They were slightly cheaper than the other grievances.

We also found his manifesto manifesto hidden inside of a shitty cookie.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, dude.

I don't know.

That's just wild.

Damn.

You think he was doing it for Chinese New Year?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

That would have been a pretty good show.

That was his Chinese New Year resolution.

Work off all that dog he ate over Chinese New Year.

There he is.

All right.

Hell yeah, baby.

Over Chinese Christmas.

Before anyone tries to write a letter to the president of our network, me,

to get me fired, you should know two things.

A, I specifically wrote in a no-firing myself clause.

Oh, so I can never be smart.

I can never be forced into it.

Into the definite real documents that we have for this, for this, I guess, company.

I don't know.

It is a company.

I'm a corporation now.

Nice, dude.

You and Adam got to get your own corporations, though.

That's what the accountant said.

I'll make my own corp.

Hell yeah, dude.

Let's all have corporations.

Hard dick enterprise.

I started using QuickBooks this month.

Ooh.

My man's man's a little bit of a drink.

Let me tell you something.

Not very quick.

Uh-oh.

Take that into it.

Yeah.

You fucking pussies.

Yeah.

Eat my nuts.

You know, they fucking...

Intuit lobbies the federal government to keep taxes complicated

because they're pieces of shit.

So they can keep selling shitty software.

You know how mad they would be if it was just a simplified...

Yeah, if the government just did your taxes for you?

Right.

If they're like, what are you going to take 10%?

Yeah.

Whatever the fuck it is.

Oh, it's way more than that.

Yeah, it's a much, so much more.

Yeah, that's why it's it is like I do believe that you know we need wealth redistribution or whatever.

Rich people should pay more in taxes, but this idea that like rich people just don't pay anything and it's like they pay more in a year than you will in your taxes.

It's wild the amount.

Yeah.

The amount that goes out.

Also, why is self-employment tax so high?

You get fucked in the ass just by not being a part of your fucking system, man.

Yeah, well, that's why you need to do an S-Corp and then you don't pay that shit.

Mmm, a suck corp.

Yeah.

I do have to do that shit, man.

Fuck, I don't want to do that.

Taxes are gay, dude.

No, anyways, Asian shooter is

that's going to be the next one.

You think so?

Has there ever, has there been, what are we missing?

Has there been a black school shooter?

Yeah, but that happens like all the time.

That's just regular.

But that's.

No, school shooters have to be at least.

Oh, they have to go.

I'm talking more than one.

For a black school shooter to count as a school shooter, he's got to be into Dragon Ball Z.

He's got to go around the school trying to go Super Saiyan Saiyan as he kills the kids.

Otherwise, it's just that's just

a regular day in Chicago or Baltimore or wherever the fuck.

Yeah.

Although they don't really know what to do.

There was a school shooting in Philly a couple years ago.

It was like a

and I remember doing a bit about it because it's like, you know, a school shooting, you're like, it's so tragic, but then it's Philly.

So you're like, well, at least they're in school.

You know?

Yeah, sure.

The fucking, what's that word?

Not relinquent.

Delinquent.

Not delinquent.

Uh, a truancy.

A truancy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were probably a truant.

No, not really.

You didn't skip school?

Not often.

I mean, not like an excessive amount.

Really?

I would say you was a skip school kid.

No.

You just went and didn't do shit?

Yeah, I just didn't do shit.

And then eventually I just dropped out.

Right, right, right.

The ultimate truancy.

Yeah, it's like I didn't mind being in school.

I kind of liked the social aspect.

I just didn't want to do work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it got to a point where it was like, I'm like failing everything.

Right.

What am I even doing here?

Right, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I liked hanging out with people.

I like, I enjoyed being

a bully.

No, not a bully.

No, I mean, I was, I'm, like, I still am like a faggot myself.

But you know, I liked it.

I mean, like, it was like, I enjoyed, like,

I got into, I mean, you know, you start doing comedy because you're like funny in school.

Right, that's true.

But like, I used to go to school, especially in middle school, with a mentality of like, I got to just, I got to try and be.

I got to crush.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah i know i know yeah oh i definitely had bits i was working on yeah middle school shit yeah oh whenever you could make fun of a teacher you get him i remember one of my first when you make a teacher laugh though that's like damn that's big leaks oh yes there was a big titty teacher miss warner who i made laugh all the i think maybe i told a story where i had to do a presentation on the way rain worked and i just i forgot about it and so you just got up to the front of the class and you just pissed yourself yeah i was like oh no i literally not that much different dude i put i forgot about it until that morning and i think i was the pillsbury doughboy for halloween yeah so i had a chef's hat and i wrote god on it and then i took a i took pieces of paper and i ripped them up and i took a bag and i wrote rain on it and then i just like went to the front of the class put a god chef hat on took uh the the paper out and sprinkled rain and I was like, and that's how condensation works.

And she just laughed and I passed.

That's for it.

Yeah, it was fucking fucking

big old titties.

I was in seventh grade, and I can't remember the name of the teacher, but like we had to, we were learning

the Holocaust.

And

I said something, I forget how we got to it, but I said something about like, man, it's like fucked up that they killed like a gajillion Jews or whatever.

And I used like a fake number, you know, and like, or like I said, like six gajillion or something.

Yeah, yeah.

And I forget how I did it or what I did.

Right.

The specific setup was, but the teacher just started laughing and she had to like apologize.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that is a hilarious thing to just kind of be a fucking shithead teenager, but I was like, sorry, six Kajillion Jews died, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A way to disrespect the Holocaust, which is something that's very important.

Sure, man.

You got to have values in your life.

Yeah.

And that's one of mine, is disrespecting the Holocaust whenever possible.

How about a Batman villain that's just the Holocaust denier?

That's good.

Yeah.

The revisionist.

Six million is too many, Batman.

I don't give a shit.

I literally don't care.

Maybe a hundred thousand, perhaps.

Fine.

Okay.

Just give me back Rachel.

Not until she changes her name

to something a little less Semitic.

Like Julie, perhaps?

That's a nice name.

That's a good name.

don't we name her Julie?

Julie or no, Ethel?

I will continue to deny the Holocaust until all of the Gentile girls have Gentile names.

I don't want anything.

I guess a Christian Sarah's walking around.

Oh, Sarah's a Jew name, yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Yep.

Damn.

What language did they speak back then, dude?

Hebrew.

Oh, I guess that's true.

But it probably sounded fucked up.

Yeah.

But how do we keep the names, you know?

You know what I'm saying?

saying?

You get what I'm getting at.

I don't got to explain it further.

I definitely know what I'm talking about.

Also, they were probably like cave people, right?

That was like 6,000 years ago.

What do you mean?

Like the Jews of the Bible.

They were probably like three feet tall, like basically gorillas.

Yeah, I guess they probably look like Aborigines or something.

Yeah, they're probably like little as shit, hairy as fuck.

Yeah.

You know, the pussy hair was wild, you know?

Yeah, man, that's some wild-ass pussy hair.

I love that shit.

That shit looks like a goddamn fucking, like a retarded boy went to town on a piece of Velcro.

You know what I'm saying?

He's got his fucking saliva in there, pieces of candy.

A big old retarded up piece of fucking...

I mean, they probably smelled horrible, too.

Yeah.

No bathing?

Well, people smelled horrible until like the 1970s.

That's pro that's true.

Yeah.

I mean, a lot of Greek people still smell horrible.

Yeah.

How about that homeless guy we saw?

That guy was so impressive.

He had crazy ass eyes, dude.

Yeah, he looked like Adam Duritz.

Oh, yeah.

But like with Rasputin eyes.

Actually, he looked like a homeless person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Adam Duritz looks like human person.

Looks like a homeless person.

That's true.

Yeah.

Did you see that message that Adam Duritz sent Dasha?

Yeah, we've talked about it.

Yeah.

It was wild.

Imagine being famous and still being a bitch.

That's got to suck, dude.

What you mean, like a famous woman?

No, no, no, no.

Like being a pussy, I guess.

Oh, oh.

I was going to say there's plenty of women that are in like movies and stuff.

Yeah.

I'm like, imagine women, though.

Famous.

No, no, no.

Like a famous bitch.

No, no, no.

Like, bitches in.

Like Michelle Obama?

Yeah, yeah.

Queen Latifah just.

No, those are different people.

What?

Yeah.

Michelle Obama was married to Barack Obama, who is Queen Latifah.

Oh, I thought Queen Latifah was the honorary you give the black first lady.

No.

They become Queen Latifahs.

Queen Latifah.

Yeah, does Queen Latifah outrank Michelle Obama?

It's close.

Yeah.

Does anyone use the name King Latifah?

That's a good.

She's a lesbian, though, right?

Yeah, I know, but that doesn't mean there can't be a lesifa.

That's true.

Oh, that's true.

Her brother's King Latifah.

Yeah.

Probably.

Would it be King Latifa?

King Latifah.

How about I'm Queen Latifx?

Yes.

I want to get Quiflatifex in there somehow.

I came up with the best drag name the other day.

I don't know if it's somebody who uses already, but I want to start doing drag as Carmen San Francisco.

Yeah, that's good.

I'm happy with that one.

Rice-arone.

You just get rice-a-rone comes out of your ass?

Yeah, dude.

The San Francisco treat?

Yeah.

Why is Rice-Aroni the San Francisco Traffic?

I wrote a joke like my first year in comedy about Rice-Arone, the San Francisco treat.

I'm pretty sure that's HIV.

Why is that the treat?

Penis,

dude.

I don't think I ever did that on stage.

But that's stuff we have.

Yeah, the idea of a

commercial for HIV, and it's just some guy riding a trolley around.

I have AIDS.

The San Francisco treat.

Ding, ding!

Fuck.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Was that in San Francisco?

Suck my dick.

What's that?

Was that in San Francisco?

Yeah, downtown Detroit.

It was for real?

I don't know.

Mr.

Rogers.

It works in Mr.

Rogers.

Yeah.

It's a beautiful day here in Shreveport, Louisiana.

It's a beautiful day here in Vider, Texas, home of the Ku Klux Klan.

And as we leave our doors unlocked and walk down the streets in racial harmony,

me and Mr.

Trolley know that the white race will never be threatened again.

That is, unless King Friday has anything to say about it.

Folks, we're starting off at Mr.

Rogers' neighborhood, but

let's try to get to Mr.

Rogers' America and then eventually Mr.

Rogers' world.

Some folks will say this is genocide, but

children, we're just doing math.

It's just subtraction.

subtraction.

If 12.5% of the population is black,

well, it's the perfect number of people in America.

It's not even racist.

I mean, Thomas Malthus tells you himself, we just can't feed all of these people.

What are we supposed to do?

Kill every chicken in the world?

They don't work that hard.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood.

I want some fucking...

They've got to have already started alt-right or like racist-ass children's programming, right?

I don't think so.

It seems like a no-brainer.

Wasn't there like two...

You mean like Rick and Morty?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Just watch that shit.

Yeah.

I feel like there was two little blonde girls that had cutesy songs about Hitler and shit.

Yeah, Prussian Blue.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And that was like pop, right?

Like racist pop?

Yeah, and those girls eventually let because their family was making them do it.

like they were like the Phelps daughters.

Michael Phelps' daughters?

Yeah.

They made him swim.

No, the

school, the Westboro Baptist Church.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, that was I thought that was Jerry Falwell.

No, that's a different church.

No, Westboro Baptist Church is the

Phelps family.

Oh, yeah, Fred Phelps.

Fred Phelps, yeah, Shirley Roper, Shirley Phelps Roper, or whatever the fuck Philip.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, so they she had a hyphenated name, but

still thought that yay people weren't.

Yeah.

Well, this is because she was proud of her.

She's from the Roper family who invented lynching.

She didn't want to.

So she was more racist than she was subservient to men.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

No, that makes sense.

I do like...

It is funny to see

women in

those communities want to be respected.

It's like you're against

every other...

When do you think these dudes are going to be chill with women

having careers

in the racist workplace.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I think they want women to have the job.

In the ideal

Reddit Nazi world, the women go and work and then they come home.

The men game.

The game.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Gaming.

You're right.

You're right.

How could I forget?

Yeah.

When the reality is, neither gender should work, you know?

That's true.

You should just move in with her parents.

her dad pay for everything that would be fucking chill yeah I want a sugar mama dude I've said this before but I would like to be taken care of like the pretty bitch that I am yeah

oh fuck what was that thing about Nazis

what thing about Nazis oh we were talking about the homeless guy going to jail

oh that was just a conversation we had outside Oh, a homeless TED talk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy, because it looked like he had the intensity of a guy about to give a TED Talk.

Right, yeah.

He's like,

why are we just shitting in the Starbucks bathrooms when we should just be shitting in Starbucks?

Why don't you share homeless people just shitting up Starbucks?

You know what I'm saying?

I wonder, you know, because it's like, because of all the injustices in this world, how many of these homeless guys could be, you know, the next Elon Musk?

So true.

You know?

It's like,

these guys could be heroes.

One of them could be the next Itanya.

but because of of economic injustice they have to live outside we're missing out on our next peter teal our next mark zuckerberg

it could just be some bum well yeah and if you just shit what if god was one of us

what if that bum was elon musk

trying to launch a shopping cart into space

that man

homeless Elon Musk, launched a Key Foods bag full of human shit into space.

His most prized possession.

A Mountain Dew 2 Liter filled with blood and piss on the moon.

Yeah,

I don't get why people

were mad about that.

About the car in space.

Yeah, they're like,

oh, this is creating space pollution.

It's like, who gives a fuck?

I don't fucking care.

I mean, it's just kind of lame.

Yeah.

I I mean,

like, oh, well, you know, he did it because of his own ego or whatever.

It's like, yeah.

That's what everyone does.

That's what everyone does everything.

Does everything, yeah.

Yeah.

You don't have a

socialism blog because of your own fucking ego.

Yeah, you don't have to do it.

All those Twitter followers.

Right, right, right.

Hey, in socialism, do people get to see how many followers you get?

How many retweets your fucking side-by-side side screenshots got?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways.

What was I going to say, though, about oh, oh, the homeless guy going to, yeah, if you just shit in a Starbucks, you just end up in jail, which, like you pointed out outside, it's basically a home.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

It's fucking perfect.

I did point that out.

I made the

extremely insightful point.

It's a good point.

There's no problems in jail.

It's a utopia.

Yeah.

No, but yeah, you were saying it's like every little kid thinks that.

It's just like, why don't you just

commit a crime?

Yeah, you go to jail.

Get your fucking hole stretched out for fucking stealing some bread to eat.

Yeah.

Oh boy.

Now I'm getting congested too.

I hope I'm not getting sick.

From what, dude?

Too much barbecue?

I don't feel sick, but my nose is kind of

jammed up here.

Maybe I should clear my nose out with a little

something?

Yeah.

A little draino, a little

weed, if you know what I mean.

And Nick tapped his nose.

and snorted.

Yeah, I gotta do some weed lady.

I gotta snort.

I gotta chop up some weed.

Yeah, if you pardon me, I gotta go look at child pornography in the bathroom.

I was like, yeah, you know, that's worse than cocaine.

Oh, is it?

I thought cocaine was one down from looking at child porn.

Damn.

Yeah, that's how you get your fix.

What if just looking at child porn and you didn't like it, right?

But you looked at it and it did the same thing as cocaine.

Would you look at child porn?

But it was free.

Wait, you mean what if I looked at child porn and it made me look at child porn?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You go to the bathroom and you open up a picture of a kid getting porn.

I was making a joke about what cocaine is.

Oh,

sorry, sorry.

And you looked at a picture of a kid getting fucked real quick and it made you feel like you just did some good-ass Coke.

Would you look at child porn?

No, that's just being a pedophile.

No, no, no, because you're not getting horny.

Yeah, yeah.

You're not in the child porn, but you look at it and you get this incredible rush

of the blood rushes to a certain part of your body.

What kind of hypothetical is that?

Adam's right, man.

You really are bad at hypothetical.

No, dude, I'm saying it makes you feel like you did Coke, dude.

Come on, man.

Look, whatever.

You spend money on Coke.

I'm going to be doing it for free.

You don't like it.

Looking at child porn.

All right.

You, you fucking.

You don't like looking at child porn, but you look at it because you have to because you're addicted to it.

What do you do?

You get into a bad mood if you don't live it's been too long.

Your energy level dips.

Right.

You do it because you can't forget the 80s.

Back when you had a sitcom.

Back when you were on Rodney Dangerfield's young comedian special.

And now you just moves from city to city trying to get younger comics, impressionable younger younger comics to watch youtube videos of your act from 30 years ago yeah yeah of johnny carson smiling at you in the green room

but not because you like it but because you're addicted to it

because it feels like drugs here's something else i saw uh a photo there was a photo of a guy on valentine's day at a restaurant sitting across from his wife's ashes.

He was just crying in this restaurant.

That's great.

That's like, what a bummer for everyone else, man.

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

He was like crying.

It's like, imagine you're just trying to have a Valentine's Day lunch.

You just see a guy.

And there's like a glass of wine for it and shit.

It's like, come on, man.

I'm just trying to have a fucking Valentine's Day.

Do that to yourself.

It's brutal.

And then where does it stop?

Do you fuck the ashes?

I'll tell you what I'm doing when my wife dies, going straight to GameStop in my restaurant.

It would be be funny to

dress up like real autistic, like, you know, but like a Zelda shirt tucked into your sweatpants and then walk into GameStop with an urn and just start emptying it all over.

Just bumping into shit and then like flies out of it.

No, no, no, on purpose.

What do you mean, on purpose?

Just waving the ash.

This is where she wanted to be buried.

It's like, this is what Eric wanted.

Oh my god.

That's so fucking funny, dude.

Like what they

can't stop.

Fucking empty.

Sir, please.

Yeah, you're autistic.

Dude, that is funny as shit.

We should literally do that.

Yeah, we should do that.

That would be good, dude.

How would they even react?

I mean, they'd try and stop you.

I guess

you get arrested.

Oh, man.

That would be worth getting arrested for.

Yeah.

But But let's pass the idea on to Christian Weston Chandler.

Maybe Chris Chan could do that.

That's true.

He likes getting arrested at GameStop.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

What did he get arrested for?

For macing an employee.

He ran into the store in drag, by the way, because he's trans now.

Oh, Chris Chan is trans.

Yeah, because he was furious that they changed the color of Sonic's arms in the new.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, because his arms used to be tan, but now I guess Sonic's arms are blue.

Oh, so he's blue the whole way instead of having different colors.

Instead of having tan arms.

And so he went in first with a blue marker and tried to correct the colours.

Incredible.

And they tried to stop him, so he maced the employee.

And ran out of the son.

That fucking rules, actually.

Yeah,

I give him a lot of credit for that, dude.

Like, we talk about having ideals and a code.

That man lives by his code.

Wait, hold on.

We talk about having ideals and a code.

You know, we all talk about it.

We sit around and talk about it.

We talk about that.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

in my mind, I'm a samurai.

The royal we, you know, like

us in general.

Yeah.

But Chris Chan, really.

Yeah.

To be able to be willing to go to jail because you maced the GameStop employee.

Yeah, I don't think he was willing to go to jail so much as he didn't consider the consequences.

You don't think he thought?

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, he's got to be like almost 40 years old at this point.

Brutal.

Dude, I remember brutal.

Because I've been following Chris Chan since I was like probably 15 years old.

And I'm like 29 now.

Yeah.

And he was 20, yeah, he's 40 this year.

He's got to be 40 because he was 26, I think.

That's 20.

When I found out, or maybe he's 24.

Either way, any way you slice it, that's horrible.

Yeah.

Ugh.

Man.

That man's been being trolled for almost 20 years.

What a life.

Yeah, those were his parents, probably.

Yeah, well, his dad died.

Bob.

Lumberjack Bob.

Bob Chan?

Yeah, Bob Chan.

This is an audio recording of him, like cyber, like having phone sex with some girl.

But not a girl, it's a 13-year-old boy pretending to be a woman.

Right, of course.

I'm going to.

And I don't know how this recording happened.

Either they were doing it over Skype, and then Bob comes in.

He's like, What are you doing on there?

Get off the internet.

I'm cutting it down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, Dad, no.

Unbeknownst to him, he's having phone sex with a 13-year-old boy pretending to be a woman.

A 13-year-old boy pretending to be a woman to troll

a grown-up.

You are having sex.

You are sort of having gay sex.

Yeah.

As a troll.

But, you know, respect.

What a funny world.

I'm so glad that the internet used to be like that.

Instead of like, let's all pretend this journalist is good at stand-up.

Right.

Let's all tweet like, can you believe what this guy does?

you moron, you absolute fucking idiot.

Donald Trump tweets like that's going to matter.

Yeah.

Yeah, you just get verified on Twitter now if you're blocked by Donald Trump.

No, seriously, there's people that are verified and they've done nothing else and have a tweet to Donald Trump that's like, you, sir, are an ingrate.

And they get retweeted like 30,000 times.

And they're like, yeah, let's verify this person.

Hell yeah, dude.

Damn, I'm about to get verified.

You know what, Twitter?

And I know you're listening, Jack, verify me, please.

Jack is what?

He's like the Tom of Twitter.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Remember MySpace?

Jack's top eight.

Oh, yeah.

Hard to believe that guy turned out to be a pedophile, also.

Did he?

Well, basically, and I don't know this.

But basically, anybody whose name is a company and then their first name is a pedophile.

Interesting, interesting.

Subway Jared.

Makes sense.

You know?

MySpace Tom.

MySpace Tom.

Twitter Jack?

TJ Max.

TJ Maxx.

That was T.J.

Miller's birth name.

That's why he did rape.

Yep.

Yeah.

Chipotle Eric.

Chipotle Eric does sound like a rape.

Chipotle Eric was smuggling children in his ass across the border, which is a type of fucking them.

Technically, yes.

Their dicks were inside your ass, technically speaking.

So

a child fucked you in the ass.

Tom cashed out, though, dude.

He sold the fucking, he sold MySpace to Fox for like 500 mil when no one was fucking using it.

Yeah, and no one is still using it.

Respect, I know.

What the fuck?

I don't understand that purchase.

I think they thought they were going to rebrand it.

Remember, they tried to rebrand it with like Justin Timberlake?

Yeah.

It was going to be like a music place.

And it's like, no, this fucking sucks, dick.

Yeah.

I think it's still up, right?

You can still go to your old MySpace page, probably.

Yeah.

Damn, I wonder wonder what mine's looking like.

How about My Race?

Okay.

You know.

Does that have anything to do with

all or white supremacist R Mr.

Rogers?

Yeah, probably.

That's his online presence.

It's a beautiful day on the Internet.

It's a beautiful day on the Internet.

Now, children, this is someone we call Pepe.

Yeah.

And there's he, whenever you're feeling sad,

post this picture.

Teaching them all the Pepe memes.

Yeah.

Damn, that sucks for the Pepe guy.

I made Pepe.

Matt, what's his name?

Yeah, I don't know what his name is, and I didn't read the fucking comic.

It seems like it sucks, Dick.

Well, the.

Imagine if your art was taken over.

It's not bad.

Boys Club is pretty.

It's okay.

I remember, because I was a fan of it.

No, I know.

I mean,

I heard before the alt-right shit that, like, it was a good thing.

It's not the funniest shit in the world.

Where Pepe got popular, that specific comic is pretty funny.

Like, the dog or something.

You know, it's just like roommates, but they're like, they look like animals.

Right.

And one of them walks into the bathroom, and like the guy who's Pepe is like at the toilet.

He has his ass cheeks out, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I've seen that.

He says, it feels good, man.

Feels good, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

I remember that.

Yeah, and then that became a meme.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Do you remember iMeme?

I meme?

That was a way to listen to music.

What is that?

Like a deaf girl named Irene?

Yeah.

Yes, it was.

Yeah, do you remember her?

We always have sex with her.

You're just like, yeah, you're just showing her your dick and she points to herself and goes, I mean.

You're like, shh.

You're like, yes, meme.

Keep it down.

I don't want anyone at the deaf school to hear you.

You're whispering in your girl.

I'm very bad at taking advantage of the deaf children.

But you're wearing brightly colored clothes that everyone can see.

You're walking around to school completely nude, tiptoeing.

You rappel down from the ceiling completely naked.

Ah, fuck, dude.

Damn, bro.

That barbecue's actually starting to hit your boy, my two

as well.

Well, I think we're good, probably.

Can you see what that says?

I cannot.

105?

Let me see right here.

I think we're good, dude.

Let me get the fucking.

I'm having fun, dude.

Oh, 105.

Do we have any reads or anything?

Nope.

Oh, fuck.

I should plug Philly.

Hold on.

Oh, yeah.

Guys, a couple of you were DMing me.

The ticket links are up for

the show in Philly at the Good Good Comedy Theater, March 17th, Saturday.

There's an 8.30 and a 10 o'clock show.

Two shows.

Let's sell those motherfuckers out.

Hey, all I'm saying is Wardell did three shows, so come on.

Are we going to let Wardell do more shows than me?

Or are we going to buy tickets?

Yeah, Wardell can suck a dick.

He's a fucking asshole.

Also, I think we're doing Funny Moms the 26th.

And then March 22nd, I'm at

House of Blues in Boston.

Hell yes.

So if you enjoyed all of those Batman characters.

Come Eatsoner Gordon.

If you enjoyed Come Eatsoner Gordon, be prepared for Kamitsner Gordon's one-man show.

His one-man play.

Ah, fuck.

Kamitsener Gordon rules, dude.

Yeah.

Called The Dark.

The Dark.

And don't forget about

the Beepler.

The Beepler.

The Beepler was good, dude.

We had some stuff, dude.

Yeah.

This is a good one.

Guys, we had a lot of fun on this show, but if you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, please don't hesitate to call the eating disorder hotline.

Someone will talk to you you and

take down your name and send you a nice big old hot pocket or something.

Oh, yeah.

Really hot.

A really tasty one.

I remember there was an episode of Doug where Patty Mayonnaise has an eating disorder.

Really?

And then the episode ends, and then they have her

be like, you know, eating disorders are a serious issue, but it's like the cartoon.

That's bizarre.

Yeah.

Also, she's skinny as shit.

She never gets her.

Yeah, they all were.

Yeah, just draw her fatter.

Yeah, give her little titties.

Give Patty Mayonnaise a couple titties, dude.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, dude.

Why are you making that bitch look like disgusting-ass lesbian Pepperan?

Hey, man.

Come on.

Don't say that about Pepperan.

Nobody wants to fuck Pepperan.

Do not.

Pepperan, Pepperan has a big old fucking bush.

Yeah.

Pepperan has a hair on the ass pussy.

Pepperan, pepperan.

She's got red hair, so she gives people a head.

Pepperan, she's not cool, but people hang out with her.

Pepperan, this is what happens to you when you're a girl with red hair.

Pippi Longstocking, I feel like I wanted to fuck her when I had a crush on the fictional character of Pippi Longstocking.

Yeah.

And I still like braids a lot.

Pippi Hogsucking.

Yes.

Woo!

Pippi Dong.

Pippi Dong.

Pippi Dong sucking.

Pippi Dong sucking.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah.

What was Pippi Longstocking's deal?

She was real strong.

Yeah, she was like a fictional character.

She was a fictional character because I remember my grandma used to make me watch Pippi Longstocking videos, and I also wanted to fuck her because she was strong.

Me, too.

There was something about her.

I wanted to get beat up by a girl girl sexually.

I want to dominate you, hold you down and suck your little dick.

Fucking like tell me I can't say any of the stuff I say.

Yes.

Yeah.

I would like that for a nice change.

I've talked about this before, but I feel like there's got to be strong women who are jacked, who hate fat people so much, but that sexually they want to just dominate a fat guy.

Yeah, I just want a nice girl that'll stick a gun to my head.

You know?

Richie Apriel style.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Janice sticking that gun to his head.

That'd be good.

I don't want the gun, but I do want, I don't know what I want.

I used to work with an old woman named Janice, and I would have

ridden the BSO.

Yeah, she was Janice, and I would just see.

The ball sucking organization.

Yeah, yeah.

I would.

And you're the number one ball sucker.

Employee of the month every month, Nick Mullen.

At the ball sucking organization.

That's not true.

In fact, I was fired for insubordination.

No, I would sometimes see if I could sneak it in.

If I needed to ask you, I'm going to be like, Vajanis?

And

most of the time, she just had no idea I was calling her Vaginis.

That rules.

What about the time that she figured it out, though?

I don't think, because it's such a bizarre thing that there's no way that I could be calling her.

Right, right.

She just looks at you weird.

She's like, yes?

Yeah.

A classic move, my friend Gina.

Vegeta?

Yeah.

They literally took down the name tags in our dorm freshman year because every time they gave Gina a new one, we just wrote vagina on every single time to the point that they just had to stop giving her one.

Yeah.

So take that, you fucking bitch.

Yeah, take that

college.

Yeah.

Police.

Yeah, you RAs.

I did get busted smoking weed.

The RAs did take your boy down.

But anyway, listen, pippy hog sucking.

That's the note to go on.

Titty hog sucking.

Titty hog sucking.

Oh, yeah.

Just a couple of titties with red hair.

Sucking your dick.

The nipples or mouse.

Nipples your mouse.

I gotta go to sleep, dude.

I don't feel well.

All right, buddy.

Good night.

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