Ep. 90 – Bug Audio

Hola, it's Rachel from Huetke, your Spanglish podcast de confianza.

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The Man in the Arena by LifeVac is a new podcast from the founder and CEO of LifeVac, Arthur Lee.

Shines a light on real people saving lives, standing up, and stepping in when it matters most.

From everyday heroes to the moments that define us, this is what resilience, faith, and purpose sound like.

Listen today to The Man in the Arena by LifeVac on the iHeartRadio app.

That's The Man in the Arena by LifeVac.

Because doing the right thing still matters.

Okay,

we're going to

final attempt of using the computer to record.

Man, I should close some because the battery is probably going to die.

Now that I take a look at it.

Damn.

Do you have the two

ports?

I should do that.

I should plug in the power.

Plug it in, suck my dick.

Plug it in, suck my dick.

Oh, this is cool.

So, this splitter I got

that

Apple advertises, they charge $70 for this just to have two ports.

Yeah, yeah, because it was a good idea to only have the one USB-C port because that's the future, you know?

It's like, let's simplify things, and now you need a million fucking adapters.

So, this one that's a regular USB HDMI and then the USB-C.

Apparently, that's not USB-C.

Get the fuck out of here.

It's like only a charge thing because it's not gonna, yeah, it's not gonna mount that.

So, $70 for a fucking USB splitter.

You should have gotten this shit off Amazon, baby.

The non-Apple official.

Apple is such a fucking garbage company, dude.

No, but you can't have green bubbles, man.

We've talked about it.

I would love to fuck.

But also, I feel like their computers are pretty good.

They last like my fucking

shit.

This MacBook completely died within 10 months of having it.

I've had my Mac.

That's your bad and logic board replaced.

That's all your bad.

And all of his

dude, risky.

Child pornography.

All the dangerous websites I go to to buy Stav's birthday presents.

Oh, no.

Fuck.

I can't wait, dude.

Did you guys buy me dick pills?

I literally saw it today.

Oh, no.

What is it, man?

Oh, God.

I'm so excited.

I'm so excited.

You cut it off the Silk road i didn't want i didn't want to tell i didn't want to tell you had to share it with someone i've been yeah keeping it secret for like a week god damn it it's too funny every time i forget about it i find out tomorrow night at carolines i forget about it and then i think about it again it makes me laugh oh my god fuck dude i'm so stoked

Yeah, we'll find out, but not you broke motherfuckers if you didn't get tickets because the shit sold out.

Yeah, very good.

Yeah, thank you to everyone who fucking bought tickies.

We're going to to get Buck Wild.

You know, I think it was Nick.

We're going Buck Angel.

We're going to get Buck Angel.

We're all going to get our cocks chopped off.

We're going to get pussies, but we're going to still look like men, man.

That was me a favorite pucker.

Handlebar mustaches, tribal tattoos.

Oh, yeah.

Big hard cocks.

Or pussies.

Big wet pussies.

It's going to be awesome, man.

It'd be pretty cool.

I can't wait to have a pussy.

It'd be cool to be friends with Buck Angel.

Buck Angel's band is pretty good, too.

What kind of band?

Buck Cherry.

Yeah, you're crazy, bitch, bitch, but you look so good when you fuck my pussy.

I dream of doing you all night.

Wish I had a dick, but I still have a pussy.

Buck Cherry is the worst band.

It's unbelievable.

It's like a parody.

The worst band of all time.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

There is a fucking worse band than Buck Cherry.

They should get all the creed hate.

For 100%.

Don't you even attempt to disagree with me, Adam?

Adam, are you saying...

Or I will put you right back on.

No, I only know the crazy bitch song, but it's not very good.

what other songs do they have yeah don't don't get out of line man you're going right back to that girl voice you're good you're putting me right back on that all the kings of leon songs for starters

yeah they're not very good those are all sexes on fire those are all originally buck cherry songs oh really

that's so funny that they wrote that as a lyric in a popular song

sex is on fire dude it's fucking poetry it's like what an 11-year-old writer man that's poetic uh have you ever seen you know those shreds videos You know those?

Have you ever seen the Kings of Leon one?

It's probably the best one.

They're at like Glastonbury Festival or something.

What are these videos?

They're like, they re-edit.

They re-dub someone and it looks, and it sounds like shit.

Yeah, it sounds like shit.

The Van Halen jump one is also very good.

The Van Halen one is pretty good.

Might as well come.

Come in your pants because you have a small dick.

Come.

Come in your jeans.

You're gay and you saw man's ass.

All right, well, that's great, but we got a lot of stuff to cover today.

We got a lot.

It is Valentine's Day.

It's Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day.

It's Galentine's Day.

No, Valentine's Day is when it saw us 20 minutes later.

Ladies,

how about we go Dutch?

And you pay with your partner with a coupon?

How about we go Dutch and you whip out a 50% off coupon at Outback Steakhouse?

That's a form of payment.

I paid half with the coupon, bitch.

I went to community college for marketing.

Don't fucking come at me with that shit.

Go ahead and son.

I love destroying women with logic.

Valentine's Day, baby.

I love destroying women with logic.

Shut up, dude.

I have a cold right now.

No, you don't.

Yes, I just

stayed up all night gaming.

I know.

I have a

tribal gaming addiction.

You made fun of me for gaming.

You played one video game, and now you can't get your dick.

It really is.

I forgot to jack off for three fucking tackies.

Oh, did you get tackies?

I did not get tackies.

Anybody left over?

What is that?

It's a libertarian snack.

Yeah,

it's like Big Cheeto is rooting.

Isn't it Hispanic?

It's like tackies.

No,

made by the Andy Caps?

No, that's different.

Andy Caps hot fries.

I thought Takis was like fucking Hispanic shit.

The problem is always in the shit.

It's Greek, dude.

No, Takis.

Although Taki is a guy's name.

Yeah, no, it's a Greek.

I had an uncle, Taki, Theo Taki.

That's a good name, actually.

Takey.

Taki, like Taki of shit.

No.

Yeah.

Like, Gostaki.

I love to Taki to little kids on the internet.

Yeah.

I was laughing about like the and if if Shane Vader of Resident Pedophile

is listening he's come on don't be mean I'm not being mean I'm describing him continue continue

she chooses to identify which is as a trans pedophile

I don't think that's our

pronoun

the pronoun is she but you have to say she with a bunch of like saliva at the front of your mouth

because you're just thinking about those kids.

She.

My preferred pronoun is she.

Anyway, what about.

Anyways, yeah, so

the manifesto typing scene from Jerry Maguire.

Right.

You strip the VO out, put the background music back in, and then interspersed with shots of like, you know, decoy, can you bring the condoms?

And then back to Tom Cruise, like, sweating and typing.

That's good.

Yeah.

That's That's good stuff.

And then it just ends real quick with him like bursting into the office with the paper and everyone cheering.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

And then if you want,

throw a couple that ends with the beep in there also.

Always classic.

When he's talking to Kuba Goodie Jr.

After Kuba Goodie Jr.

says something ridiculous.

Hello Newman.

Yeah.

Actually, the Hello Newman thing works with any movie where somebody says a word that starts at end.

Literally any word.

Yeah.

N and I would work a lot better.

Nincumpoop.

The nightmare before Christmas.

Before Christmas.

Been really long.

Yeah, yeah.

The ninh.

What else?

Teenage Meeting Ninja Turtles.

That's good.

Yeah.

Teenage Meeting B turtles.

It does sound like

that actually probably was a favorite of

young racists everywhere.

Yeah.

Way like the N, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe, or asterisks, yeah, before Christmas.

And then Jack Skellington goes into the Kwanzaa tree.

Oh.

Do they have a tree?

Yeah.

They have like a menorah.

It's a black menorah.

Yeah.

Well, they have a tree too.

They combine Christmas and

I want to go to like a Kwanzo celebration.

Yeah.

I want to go to Australia.

Do you?

You should go to Australia.

I don't.

Why not, dude?

Let's go.

I don't know.

I watched that Simpsons episode.

I watched that Simpsons episode, Bart vs.

Australia.

Yeah, of course.

That's a great episode.

Man, and you know, I've seen that fucking.

All right, Mike, you win.

So you've played Knoty Spoony before.

I've seen that joke

hundreds of thousands of times in the last 20 years.

Every fucking time.

I was laughing about it for a day.

It's so good.

It's so funny.

When Homer gets the toilet to go to the bottom.

All right, why are you winning?

Oh, so you've probably not spooned me before.

Bro, we should go.

Yeah.

You know, they eat kangaroo meat.

I think I brought this up before.

That blew my mind.

Yeah.

Ostrich, I get it's a big-ass bird.

It's a big chicken.

But kangaroo, it's like, yeah, giant chicken.

But a kangaroo is like, I don't know, kind of like a bird.

That's their national symbol.

Yeah.

A kangaroo is like a dog and a horse put together.

Yeah.

Right?

Wouldn't you say?

But it's also like what they identify as like their best animal.

No, it's like a deer mixed with a rat.

Yes, a big rat.

Yeah, so why would you want to eat that shit?

Yeah, it's jumpy like a deer.

Yeah, it is rat-like.

Also, kind of like a monkey because it's muscular.

I love a monkey.

It's like muscular.

Monkeys can climb good.

It's more jumpy.

It's like a rabbit.

It's like a rabbit.

Rabbit rat.

Rabbit rat.

Rabbit.

Giant rabbit-rat-deer.

Yes.

Yes.

With a pouch.

Yeah.

Oh, the pouch is big, too.

The pouch.

You got ears.

They're furry.

There's definitely one guy that's just listening to that, and he's like, what the fuck was that?

I would be interested to see where they evolved from.

There's

a lot of people inside the pouch.

Oh, shit.

That shit gets fucking wet.

You can fuck it, pussy.

Yeah.

Let's hold down a kangaroo and fuck its pouch.

No, I'm going to open the pouch and just pour gallons of LSD in there and see what happens.

The kangaroo kills itself, just jumps off a fucking big-ass coat.

It becomes even cooler.

Oh, it would be tight.

Put on a tie-dye shirt.

Yeah.

Did you see that movie?

He starts coming up with Ben and Jerry's flavors.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Shouts out to Ben and Jerry.

What movie?

Kangaroo Jack.

I saw Kangaroo Jack Me Off.

Did you ever see the movie?

Anthony Anderson Jacked Me Off.

It was really good.

Nick in a Hawaiian shirt.

Kangaroo Jack was really good?

No, it's not very good, but it's good to watch when you're stunned.

I watched a bunch of movies.

What's Kangaroo Jack?

Is this another one of those Jack Black movies for children?

Yeah, it's him as a kangaroo.

Man, you want to, like, I mean, this show aside, you want to talk about things that require zero talent and have way too much success.

Jack Black, what a fucking career.

He's been in like two good movies.

What are they?

Saving Silverman.

Saving Silverman is to get a good movie.

Yeah.

And then School Rock was good.

No, I didn't see School Rock.

It's pretty good.

It's Heart Warner.

The one with the record store,

English.

He was not in the English physicians.

He is?

Yeah.

He's the patient.

He's the doctor.

No, he's not.

Yes, he is, dude.

Jack Burton.

He brings him with the power of laughter.

Yeah, Jack.

Patch Adams is Patch Adams.

He does.

What happens in Patch Adams?

Like, they trust a guy and he rapes Patch Adams.

Yeah, Patch Adams is about a guy that fakes his way into medical school.

It's sad as shit.

Yeah, it is really sad.

And then some weird guy and his wife's like, I don't know about this guy.

And Patch's like, nah, it's all chill.

And then he like kills her, I think, and rapes her.

Which is tough.

Patch Adams kills and rapes her.

Yeah,

Robert.

It turns out Patch Adams was Tyler Durk.

What about Snatch Adams?

He's like, all right, what are you sick for?

Don't be sick, you fucking idiot.

You fucking slag.

What are you five?

You're going to fucking cry because you got cancer, you little fucking faggot.

Well, you know, I'm from East Turtshire, mate.

Yeah.

Turdshire.

I'm from Turchester.

It's in downtown London.

The worst fucking place in the fucking world.

Just because you got fucking leukemia, you little bitch.

You gotta act like a fucking bitch because you got leukemia.

Yeah, I'm snatch Adams.

Get it?

I don't think you do, mate.

All right.

Christian.

He's had enough.

He's had enough, Snitch.

Okay.

It's time for tea.

That sounds a lot like you're in South Africa.

He's had enough.

Adam, do not fucking deconstruct the bit while we are.

I'm not.

I'm not.

While we are in Rift City.

He's just trying to win.

We're in his hiding in Riff City.

It sounds like you're South African voice.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm sorry.

Mike?

Call him gay, snitch.

Yeah.

You get him, Snitch.

How about

Hatch Adams?

What's the one we're like?

Crash Adams.

Not Crash Adams.

Look at the Will Smith movie.

Hitch Adams.

Hitch Adams.

Yeah, there you go.

That's good.

It's like, hey, Kevin James.

Let me tell you how to fuck.

How about

Will Smith?

Hey, Kevin James.

Hey, Kevin James.

Hey, man, it's me, Will Smith.

You listen to the Adam Freeland impression of Will Smith.

Be cool, baby.

Y'all motherfucker seen independence.

Welcome to Earth, baby.

Welcome to Earth.

I ain't got time for no damn aliens.

Man, you're so good at it.

Carlton, you're gayer than a motherfucker, boy.

My impressions will come out one of these days.

Not maybe not this episode, but you will come out one of these days.

Yep, I was thinking that same interesting fucking raccoon, dude.

What about

Adam Friedland?

And it's like, I'm gay.

You're sick.

They're like, what the fuck is wrong with this man?

He's giggling like an imbecile.

A sick child's.

That would be a good movie.

I don't see what

he is.

This giggling bitch.

Getting beaten up by kids with cancer.

Speaking of beating up kids, dude, I mean, I told you guys are

running against me.

I was in Toussaint Flatbush yesterday, and I'm buying a hat off some guy on the street.

Very nice.

As I do, I go out and conduct my business by street hats.

And then I fucking, like, right behind me, I hear a thud, and I turn.

All these black kids are yelling.

And there's this fucking, like, maybe 11-year-old girl being thrown to the ground.

It was a girl.

Yeah.

And it looks like a grown man's throwing her, and there's all these kids swarming.

And I'm like, I don't know what's happening.

Fuck.

This is none of my fucking business.

You know, I keep walking, and these two black guys are watching, and one of them says to the other one, like, man, if that were me, I would have killed that kid.

So I'm glad I didn't say anything.

Obviously, that grown man was in the right.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

That kid probably, you know.

spit on his shiny shoes.

Nah, what I imagine happened from looking at it is that like that guy was walking his daughter home and then some other girl who's like a bully probably did something to his daughter and then he

beat the girl.

Well, he threw her to the ground, which is like, don't do that.

But, you know, she like, yeah, it looked like he was trying to break up a fight.

Oh, okay, all right.

I gave him.

I thought he was just wailing on his shoulder.

I thought he was just beating a child.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm trying to deduce based on like no one intervening or whatever.

Yeah.

So I guess the girl deserved it.

Or it could just be, you know, good old-fashioned

child beating.

Maybe think twice before you get into that Me Too stuff.

You know?

We don't know what these are.

That's the clear lesson from that animal.

Maybe they're the bullies.

Yeah.

That's really sad, though, to see just in the middle of the day.

Yeah, you saw something pretty hilarious.

I saw, yeah, I saw a mom.

It was like late at night on the train.

How about that?

Chadams and it's Margaret Thatcher.

That's good.

I'm a dumb bitch.

I'm a

bitch.

It's the same character from before.

I'm going to bomb the Falkland Oldsmobile.

I'm from Turchaw, Mike.

Turcha.

The toughest neighborhood in downtown London.

In London town.

Ah, fuck.

I would love to.

I want to go over to England and marry me like a fucking

ethnic British person.

Oh, like an Indian

switch-up.

This Caribbean British one.

Yes.

Give me that fucking one we met that was a Modo.

I'm a Modo.

I'm a Modo.

Yeah, when Nick and I were at a mic once, this girl was like, She's like, what do you do?

We're like, oh, we're both unemployed.

She's like, you should just do modeling.

That's what I do.

I'm a model.

I'm a model.

I live in Brixton and I'm a model.

I want a little Brixton model.

Holler your boy if you're a model from Brixton and you want to get citizenship in America.

I used to have a really big crush on MIA.

I used to think she was really off.

Of course.

That's a pretty standard.

But I was a pretty standard little hipster.

You know what MIA stands for?

Missing and

maybe Indian?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

You know why they call it?

That's like a Larry the Cable guy thing.

That's not bad.

That's not bad.

Mail that to him.

Y'all listen to the MIA girl.

What's her name standing for?

Maybe Indian.

I don't know.

Get her done.

You tell him Larry.

He tells you like it is.

How about that, folks?

Snatch Adams.

Boy, talking about

where's the

Throw another shrimp on

Dan Whitney.

What's a lorry?

A cab?

It's a truck.

Or a truck, yeah, yeah.

A cab.

Fucking involved.

What are the cabs called there?

They're called cabs.

Rounded douleys.

Fags.

Yeah.

Fags.

You can have to switch the shit right now.

Yeah.

That's really good.

Just going there and just calling the wrong things fags.

And what are you fags up to?

No, I thought it's an English.

Everything is a fag.

Everything's a fag.

I thought that's what you.

You're like, who's that fag?

And you're like, the queen?

Yeah.

Is that what you call her?

A fag?

No.

She's called the queen.

It's a title for respect.

I thought she was called a fag.

That's awesome, dude.

We should go to England.

We should go to England just for that bit.

Yeah.

I don't like

$5,000.

I'd like some fags and fags.

This is one of those episodes that's sort of just for us.

Yeah, but

it's not fun, though.

This is like when we did that greatest riff of all time.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

No one thought we was in the cares, man.

That's the funniest thing.

We were at Target for like two hours afterwards, me and Nick, just laughing about that.

Yeah.

I just was forget it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the president has authorized the use of the gayest bomb of all time.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

It's the mother of all bombs.

I'm sorry.

I would like to issue a correction earlier.

I misstated.

In between denying the Holocaust.

I missed that dude.

Spicy.

Spicy.

He dug spice.

He was great.

Yeah, now he got fucking.

That fucking bitch.

Yeah.

Mike Huckabee's son.

Sarah Huckabee's.

Yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, it's Mike Huckabee's son.

That fag

in the British sense.

This is British.

No, you say you said it the slur away.

No, I said it the British way.

Using slurs on the show.

Look who's using slurs.

That's a book I'm going to write for my son when he's born.

Yes.

Look who's using slurs.

It's just drawings I've done of Elmo and Grover saying all the different racial slurs.

All the good ones.

Yeah.

There's a book called There's a Racial Slur at the end of this book, and Grover's like, I can't wait to find out what the racial slur is.

And then he gets to the end, and it's Cookie Monster calling him the N-word.

It's like, it's you, Grover.

You were the slur this whole time.

That's deep, bro.

Yeah.

Because by wanting to hear slurs, you become the N-word.

Yeah.

I'm going to get into the children's books.

Those like naughty children's books they sell at Urban Outfitters.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Go the fuck to sleep.

That's the big one.

Yeah.

That was the first one, I believe.

Yeah.

Narrated by Samuel L.

Jackson.

I'm never going to do it, but I wrote it, and then I was going to get an illustrator to do The Little Engine That Had Rich Parents.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

You could probably do it, yeah.

Nah, that's a lot of fucking work.

Whatever, dude.

You know what I mean?

That's like 12 drawings.

That's not that work.

That's at least a fucking week of

solid work?

Yeah, and then you can sell it.

Nah, man, I'm like, I got dude, like, maybe two hours of work, go play a little bit of disc golf, you know.

Have a shit.

What do you think of your disc golf?

Have a schpitz.

That's the shit you're into, Daddy?

Yeah, that means going to the bathroom, right?

Yeah, have a schmitz.

Drink a bunch of milk and have a big old schitz.

And you go in the schmitz, and then you just shit.

It's better in here.

You take a big dog.

Like, what have you done?

Like, you called it that motherfucker.

I'm taking a nice shit.

I thought you thought that's what you were supposed to do.

The air would just be fucking heavy with shit particles.

It would just be like

it would just get vaporized.

I thought a shit swap.

Sorry, dude.

Why would they make the name

so close to shit?

Yeah, just taking a shit on the coals.

The steaming hot coals.

It's too hot in here.

Want to get a little more shit steam?

Just diarrhea.

The coals.

I'm just trying to make it steam a little bit more.

Oh, man.

I'm taking a nice steam.

I'm taking a nice steaming.

I'm sitting onto colds.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, no, I might go for a little hot air balloon ride.

Yeah, ooh.

Take a shit then.

Take a shit in the little heat.

The part that makes you go off.

This episode is for us.

Dude, if you fucking rent the hot air balloon, you shit in the basket, come back.

Screen it, thanks.

I was like, what the hell?

Oh, yeah.

This is a terrible episode.

sounds great to me.

Shitting that high up, overlooking like a ball.

What a view.

Yeah.

What a view.

You got to take it all in.

Yeah.

It'd be great, too, to just you jack off off a hot air balloon.

And some guy's walking to work.

He's like, oh, great.

A bird shit on me.

A bird shit into my mouth.

Then somebody's like, you know, that's good luck.

That's like a joke from Airplane or something.

That level of comedy.

You mean higher level?

I love airplane.

Don't you ever try to disrespect it.

It's a great movie.

Especially like the scene where everyone's lining up to beat that woman.

Get a hold of yourself.

I used to love that.

That was like one of the movies I could watch as a very young child that just had complete tits in it.

Absolutely.

And it was like, why am I allowed to...

Because it's like stupid.

Right, right.

Yeah, Porky's was too.

No, Porky's was straight up about.

Keeping in women's locker locker rooms.

Yeah, I saw that when I was like six.

And everyone got, oh, everyone, they got a whore and they all fucked her, right?

Something like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I haven't ever seen Porky's, but

major plot points.

Yeah, it had a whole like staring at women in the shower thing.

You like to do that, you pervert?

I'm actually me tooing Porky's the movie right now.

Why?

Because it's it's disrespectful to me.

It takes place in the 50s.

And Porky's is what?

It's a bar, right?

It's like their hangout.

Yeah.

Oh, nice.

Or like, it's like the Max or something.

I remember the box for Porky's in Blockbuster as a kid.

I remember thinking, like, man, if I could be that guy.

Right, that guy is so cool through that hole.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I could be a horny voyeur.

I don't want.

I don't get when people like watching other people fuck.

Really?

I want to get in the mix, man.

I don't want to watch some other guy fucking.

Oh, you're saying, like, like in a cuck-holding scene?

You don't want to be the sweater and dockers guy?

Just, well, yeah, that for sure.

But also, just like, I don't understand voyeurism, I guess.

I want to, because it's not

going to be in the mix.

Probably some shit from childhood, right?

You saw your parents fucking or something?

Yeah.

They fucked you up.

Have you seen your parents join?

You know what's about voyeurism?

Yeah, of course.

When my parents left,

Stav's parents used to have sex, and his mom would take Stav's round body and wedge him under her hips to pop them up higher.

Oh, yeah.

My dad could get

the real deep spots.

They advertise the bowling ball stop

shoved under his mom's ass.

They're like, wait, I didn't want a snack.

I want to have a snack.

They're like, shut up.

We're pounding.

That'd be amazing.

Mommy and daddy are pounding, right?

They're getting their pound off.

My parents fucking suck.

Mom's getting railed out.

Yeah, that was that thing that they advertised at the back of Pornomags, the Liberator, which is like that triangular foam thing that a woman puts her ass up on, so

you can hit all the back walls.

No, but if you put a pillow under a girl, like while you're having a triangular one, seems like it would be a nice one.

It seems like it would be really nice.

You know what?

I'm going to write a letter to the Casper Mattress Company and say,

Make one?

Rig me up one.

Have you ever used what's the weirdest like sexual accoutrement you've gotten in the mix?

You put a gun in a girl's ass.

Is that real?

Yeah.

I mean, like an AR-15

right in there.

Bumps.

I would not be surprised if you literally put a gun in a woman's ass.

Just drunk as shit.

No.

No.

I've never done that.

That's so scary.

Is it?

Remember the Sopranos?

Janet.

Was she fucking roulette?

Hold on, what's the question?

Weirdest sex accoutrement?

Like a toy

six count?

I guess.

I mean, I've done a lot of piss stuff in my life.

Really?

A lot?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just drunk?

No.

And you know, it's not even really something that I'm.

You want it, yeah.

You just keep drawing women that want to be pissed on.

Well, no, this time's rubber.

They attracted it, but sure, which you know, it's funny because, like, and I think I've said it before, the nicest part about it is like it's just really nice to be able to go to the bathroom and somebody,

and you're like, okay, I guess you can just piss it.

It's just really nice, yeah.

Yeah, it's like being an astronaut.

I'm i'm focused on the mission i don't have to worry about going to the bathroom

yeah there was one i've never pissed on anyone but i'd be open to it

um i have

how did you feel about it i remember you were also tying bitches up you had it's funny because i have that one girl you're probably the horniest on the show but me and adam have had a lot more sex than you and we've done a lot we've done a lot more shows you know i fuck a lot you know it's a character that I do, the guy who doesn't fuck.

No,

you're like the guy that didn't start smoking weed until he was 22, and he's like, fucking Pink Floyd.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I am.

I'm that guy who sex.

Have you guys tried?

Have you ever heard of the doors?

Someone told me that

36 years old.

Someone told me Doug Benson didn't try weed until he was like 39 years old.

I believe that.

Well, Doug Benson's old as shit, dude.

He's like, a lot of people don't know.

He's like in his mid-70s.

Yeah, he's really old.

I'm Eskimo Brothers with him.

Apparently that video.

Yeah, she both pissed each other's mouth.

No, but...

One of the women you pissed each other.

Yes.

Of course.

That's the kind of woman.

The woman that fucks Doug Benson gets pissed in her mouth.

Yeah, we're getting stoned.

Yeah, what were we saying before that?

The sex thing?

Oh, yeah.

You're using ropes and shit.

Oh, yeah, that one girl wanted me to do all that, like, Abu Ghraib stuff to her.

You basically can't can't fuck her unless you were a Boy Scout.

Unless you got your fucking shit.

You needed to know all the

nautical nauts.

Yeah, that was the same girl.

That's a double bowl line, Lady.

That was the same girl who was like, yeah, my ex-boyfriend was a real sex nerd.

And I was like, I need to.

That's awful.

I need to leave right now.

A sex nerd?

Yeah, because

he had a library of sex books.

Like, about so fucking about how to fuck or something.

I'm just trying to get this Not Arena off.

That's fucking stupid.

It's quite literally the gayest thing.

I'm like, I don't even get my dick hard anymore.

Yep.

I'm done.

I'm post hard.

I'm post-hard.

I just post directions.

I just, you know what?

Because honestly, that makes it harder to piss.

Yeah.

That's fucking true.

What?

You want to create

this tiny little bit of cum or just six hours of pounding dunkin' donuts coffee

worth of urine.

I'm talking about quantity, not four liters of urine.

Dark, yellow, brown, syrupy.

Syrupy.

Leave a neutral.

Your hair will smell like piss for three weeks after.

Coffee.

She's like, my battery's just destroyed.

You're like, you're welcome.

Yeah, well, this told me this one story.

This girl fucked shit in the bed while they were all this date was inside of her.

And my man stuck around.

He had a nice shower.

She changed his shit.

Did he finish?

Did he finish?

She got shit on his balls.

I don't know.

I didn't think he missed him.

Wow.

I don't know.

She was on the bottom.

She pooped.

I don't know the exact.

Listen, he probably got shit on his balls that he didn't tell me.

Because he didn't tell me until months after.

And he's probably not going to be thrilled that I told the story.

Yeah.

Anyway, she pooped the bed.

My man just h hit the fucking shower.

Good for you.

Stayed in the mix.

What a legend.

Eldus.

I wouldn't uh shit stuff seems wild.

The people that shit on each other sexually.

I'm not into that at all.

Uh, scat play?

Yeah, that's weird.

There was this girl I I hooked up with when I was like 15 or 16.

And like, I didn't even really know her that well.

She just like lived in my neighborhood.

Yeah.

And like, that used to be enough.

It was like, oh, we live in the same neighborhood.

Right, right, right, right.

You should, like, just have sex while your dad's gone.

And she was, like, Filipina, and she fucking.

So, yeah, we were like hooking up, and she's like, talking about it.

She's like, yeah, my friend went to the Philippines.

And like, she hooked up with this guy and he asked her to shit on his chest, but he said it in like whatever, you know, terms.

Tagalong.

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever their language is.

Tangalong.

And she's like, and it sounded like really hot, but like in that language.

And it's like, you know, when she told me that, because I wouldn't be into that, but like the way she described

talking about about it and I didn't how old were you like 13 no it was like 15 or 16 and I didn't put it together until later that like she was implying that she she wanted to get yeah she wanted to get shitted on did she want to get shit on did she want to shit on you

first of all neither of that's happening would you would you squat and shit on someone no not no that seems horrible first of all i'd have to i'd be checking my phone i don't like getting i don't like doing any ass eating stuff i don't i mean i'll do it if someone's into it but i'm like i don't like

i don't like getting my ass eaten I've had an ass revival recently.

Yeah.

In the last

gay sex.

Yeah, I've been getting my ass fucked by strangers.

Is it an ass revival?

No, I was like, I was kind of put off by the concept of anal sex until like the last couple of years.

Oh, I'm in the ass mix big time.

We got to take a break real quick.

We got to do the

goddamn it, dude.

The fucking

Apple Mail app just got fucked up.

Okay, here we go.

Taking a break.

And you know what?

We're just going to just roll right into it, guys.

Oh, dude.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Come on.

God damn it, dude.

If you don't want to listen to Adam,

I'll tell you what.

If you're enjoying all this sex talk, maybe take your pants off, throw out whatever underwear you're putting in the damn garbage.

Pick up a pair of Mac Weldon underwear from MacWeldon.com.

Mac Weldon is the best underwear in the entire world.

Oh, yeah.

They believe in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

You can go online to their online store, which we don't even have.

You know, that's how hard it is to set up.

Is that I haven't paid a guy to do it yet.

Yes.

So Mac Weldon has.

It's a very easy website to navigate, and they got great products.

They got the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts,

undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants that you'll ever wear.

And they got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means they eliminate odor.

I personally don't smell, so you know, I mean,

imagine smelling like me all the time,

just a very clean individual.

They want you to be comfortable, so if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can go ahead and keep them, and they'll still refund you your money.

No questions asked.

That's a pretty great policy.

A lot of places you just try the underwear on, and they call the police on.

That's right.

That happened to me at Model's.

That happens?

Yeah, I'm standing there in the middle of the Nike rack,

squaring up with the mannequin.

It's compression,

full erection,

and they called the police on me.

Can't believe that.

And not only do Mac Weldon's underwear look good, sock shirts, they perform well too.

They're great for working out.

You can wear them to the gym.

You can go out on dates with them.

You look good, both flaccid and erect.

And trust me, I've tried this out.

I brought a pair of Mac Weldon underwear to that same Model's to see if I would get arrested wearing them.

And the answer is yes.

So I can't promise that you won't be arrested multiple times for getting a full erection wearing your underwear in the middle of the models in downtown Brooklyn.

But

you can go to MacWeldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMTON.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N, all capital letters.

Check them out.

MacWeldon.com.

And we're back.

We're back, baby.

That is a really sad Models, by the way.

Downtown Brooklyn Models.

Yeah.

Two-story Models.

They never have.

Oh, is it two stories?

There's a second story.

Oh, you're talking about the one near the Fulton Mall.

I'm talking about the market.

Yeah, yeah, by Fulton Mall.

I'm talking about the Atlantic Bar Clays.

Oh, okay.

Which is also shitty.

It's big as fuck, but they never have any of the stuff I like.

I went there to get some gloves, and they didn't have them.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that Atlantic Barclays whole shopping center is.

The other thing I hate about most Dells is they only have like nine XL sizes.

Yeah, they never restock the normal people's sizes.

And it's like, it's fucking athletic wear.

Right.

Why do you have fat people's sizes?

Fat people are athletes, too.

No,

some fat people are

being wedged under your mother's ass so she can get it.

She can

get pounded out.

She's incredibly strong.

Yes, I had the core strength to support my full grown mother.

That's a baby athlete, Mike.

More like Apple core strength.

Oh,

Apple shit.

Yeah,

you're wrecked.

Yeah.

No.

Blown the ground.

You're a fucking idiot.

Guys,

we should go do paintball while it's still cold.

I'd do that.

Oh, yeah.

You should get some cigars and go to paintball.

I'm going to be, I'm all sober.

I had a wild birthday drug dealer.

Oh, yeah.

Tell us about it, Stop.

Tell us about your fun fun

drugs.

I'm not smoking shit.

My body's a temple.

Except, come on, dude.

You have cancer.

Not yet.

Hopefully not.

We'll see.

He said it's some kind of growth.

I have to get a fucking biopsy.

You don't have cancer.

If it was a cancer, it would have tore through my mouth.

He said, but I do have a growth that's moved my teeth.

That's fucking.

So something's going to have to come out.

I'm going to have to have cancer.

It's going to suck down.

Nah, you would probably

have to have surgery.

That other gum thing that's happening is you have some sort of like gum disease where it's it's like oscillating.

It's not, it's the bone.

Well, yeah, it's a growth in the bone.

It's a growth.

I know, but it's your gum's.

It's because you're so bad.

Thank you, Dr.

Nick, dude.

It's baby-like.

Why don't you let me fucking explain my goddamn theory?

First of all, call me a baby.

Guessing is the

basis of all scientific knowledge.

Yeah, that's true.

Because a guy like me was like, you know what it probably is, is

you tie a key to a kite, and that's how we prove that the Jews are trying to control the government with those symbols.

Those symbols that they love so much.

Yes.

And was he wrong?

No.

He wasn't wrong.

And now he's on the $100 bill, the highest honor.

And

it really hurts the Jews.

The fact that he gets to be on it.

Yeah.

It's their favorite thing is a $100 bill.

The IPyramid guy?

Yeah.

No, Benjamin Franklin.

Oh.

I Tanya.

That movie wasn't very good.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

You're a fucking idiot.

It was bad about it.

He was alright.

It was like fake good fellas.

Shut up, you know.

I thought that Alice and Janie and I thought what's her name were both really good.

Okay.

So, two of the biggest characters were really good, but it was a bad movie.

Yeah, I didn't like the way they made it.

I got a good idea.

I got a good bid out of it.

Go ahead.

What is it?

No, I did it at the stand the other night.

What is it?

Well, you know, the whole movie, the premise is like, it's like, oh, it's this poor white trash girl competing in a rich girl sport.

And it's this underdog story.

And it's like, yeah, sure, that makes sense in the context of

only the American athletes participating in figure skating.

Right, right.

I mean, it's like like not for the rest of figure skating at large in the world.

It's poor people.

Well, I mean, it's global poor.

I mean,

like the,

I watched figure skating this year and I got a

glimpse at this big gay Chinese man.

Right.

No one knows how old he is.

That's how.

Like, I'm sorry, but fucking Tanya Harding has a birthday.

Right.

Right.

And no one knows how.

This guy doesn't know how old he is.

He's just somewhere in his 30s.

He doesn't count the rings around his cock.

I guess.

But anyways, it's like, you know, you think her mom fucking hates her.

Imagine you've aborted nine of your daughters and you finally have a son.

And he's like,

I want to be ice dancer.

I want to be ice dancing.

You found a way to sneak in the Chinese voice.

Not cigarettes, but full opium pipes put out on that kid's fucking head because he brought shame to his family with his ice dancing.

Anyways, I did that at the stand.

So, guess who now has four jokes where I do a Chinese voice?

Congrats, man.

I called out my China chunk.

My China Chunk is the erection I get when I watch One Night in China.

One Night in China?

Yeah, you're Joni Lawler.

You're a non-functioning Chod is your China Chunk.

How dare you?

My dick's been working like a charm recently.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, man.

I've been meditating.

You have?

No.

Wait, so stuff.

Tell everyone what you did for you.

Hold on.

It's like, you know, like, meditation is kind of bullshit.

It's like all this stuff that's.

I don't think it is.

Shut the fuck up and let me finish what I'm saying.

For points.

Just once.

Just for once.

Just finish your thing, dude.

Just for one thing.

I didn't interrupt you.

For once in your life.

For once.

All right, do your meditation.

I have had a chunk.

All right.

So meditation meditation is something that, you know, like white people here do.

But in China,

you know, there's a guy sitting there like, oh, how do meditate?

Five.

That's five bits I have now.

Five.

Woof.

Throw another one on the China Chuck.

Get that China Chuck nice and fucking plopped off.

No, but I mean, you know, just that, like,

people like, it's like Zen in particular or whatever.

It's like, this is a

religion or a philosophy for people to sit and do rice farming all day long.

Right.

And you have to find a way to not kill yourself with this.

And how dumb and repetitive your life is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not for like somebody that makes $80,000 a year and they're like, my hair's going gray.

Right.

How can I feel, how can I become more of a narcissist?

Seinfeld is being on transcendental meditation.

It's like, you're a fucking billionaire, dude.

He's a billionaire, and he's a bad person.

Yeah, it seems like.

Yeah, he is a bad person.

But I don't know the guy personally, you know?

Although, didn't he what do you like date like a child at some point?

Yeah, he dated a child big ass titties 17-year-old Dane Cook.

So, Shauna, what's her name?

He's like that.

You know, I confuse his

always confuse Larry Nasser and Aziz Ansari.

The doctor?

Yeah, I always mix those two guys up.

I loved them.

They're both funny people.

They're both rapists.

I mean, regardless of the details,

there's there's no reason to go into the details.

They're both equally bad.

Their dicks are both tiny.

They're both sex criminals.

Sex criminals.

And it was disrespectful to the victims

to

draw any

differentiate between the two.

There's no reason to do that.

That's true.

And that's the thing we need to understand with sexual assault: that Larry Nasser and Aziz Ansari are the same.

That's right.

In the same way that they're both some kind of Indian.

I don't need to know.

Some kind of some

type of

packy.

I don't need to know the details because it would be racist to know the details.

And so there's no reason for me to figure out what they did.

I agree with you.

That's a good point.

They're also both guys I didn't think were very funny until about two weeks ago.

You think Larry Nasser is really funny now?

Yeah.

It's got hilarious, the plain bit.

Yeah.

More like Hilari Nasser.

Hilarious Nasser.

Wait, what were you saying, Son?

Larry the cable, Larry Nasser, the cable guy.

Wait, what?

Did her dawn?

Dane Cook is fucking a child, too?

Yeah, 19-year-old.

Dude, right now, Dane Cook looks like fucking Harvey Weinstein.

Yeah, he literally looks like it.

He looks exactly like Harvey Weinstein.

No joke.

Yeah, he's got a fucked-up, lumpy-ass, weird body.

Yeah, speaking of.

And you.

No, not speaking of anything.

And it's funny because in his Instagram pictures, he used all that Chinese face smoothening software.

The shit Chinese people use to make them feel like.

Oh, he really does look like shit.

He looks like Harvey Weinstein.

Dude, he's like fat as shit and stuff.

I'm on the Mexican whoa

radio.

Oh, yeah.

What's wrong with his fucking skin?

Yeah, it's all like photo, like bad Photoshop.

Yeah.

It's like Korean girl selfie.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Filters.

Chinese ad.

Anyway, I did a bunch of fucking drugs.

I took a bunch of edibles.

I took acid and then did mushrooms on my birthday.

I've run out of drugs.

I think I might get into cutting.

Like a depressed teenage girl.

Dude, I follow this girl on Instagram.

Nobody follows her.

It's like a hidden gem I found.

Some depressed teenager, but she had like the funniest fucking post yesterday.

It was here.

Let me see.

I hope I die soon.

I think is the name of the account.

Is she good account?

I die soon.

Let me pull this up.

Is that the name?

Her handle?

Yeah.

We started late, so I'm probably going to order a a burrito on the phone during the show.

Hit him up, Lucha Lucha.

They don't sponsor the show.

We're just big fans.

That's right.

Actually, I got hooked up there once.

Yeah, here it is.

So there's her post.

It's just a picture with text, and it says, Wake the fuck up,

punctuated by periods.

So it says, Depression is not special, anxiety is not cute, self-home scars are not beautiful, suicide is not poetic, eating disorders are not glamorous.

You don't fucking want them, you know.

And then her caption is: At my school, I know people say suicide jokes and do drugs for fun.

I know a few pretty girls who cut for attention.

I know I smoke because I need to relax.

I drink because I don't want to feel anything.

I cut because I can't fuck everything going on in my mind.

I cry because everyone has something to hate about me.

I sit alone because I know secretly everyone hates me.

I put pills in my mouth, waiting to die because I know everyone would be happier with me.

Gone.

Let's face it, it's the truth.

10 likes.

That's tough, dude.

Yeah.

I'm guessing she didn't have a chill childhood.

I mean, what's going to happen is this girl is going to fucking, in six years, be like 22 and just work as a temp and be like, I'm really into micro brews.

This is just like, just

no, this is typical dumb teenage bullshit.

There's nothing particularly interesting.

Yeah, that's not this, but also

every single fucking teenager feels this way.

And if they don't, then they're like, then those are the people that should kill themselves.

Right, right, right.

They got to pass.

Well, sometimes those people, though, that cut and shit, they've got, like, got like ultra-molested or some shit.

Yeah, I think cutting is like, it's way more girls than you.

Oh,

ultra-molested.

The biggest molestation possible.

Ultra.

Multiplier.

Molestation multiplier.

I'm going to call this burrito in right now.

Yeah, that's, I mean,

I feel like I should just throw that girl like or or something, right?

Is that what you're saying?

You're going to start messaging her, probably.

Shut up.

It's so hard being fucking up.

You creep.

You're a fucking creep, dude.

No, I'm not.

Not me.

I just follow these teens and laugh at them.

Yeah, yeah.

You're the normal one.

Yeah.

You're the cool guy.

These fucking assholes.

Here's your poem posted.

Oh, they don't fucking pick up their phone sometimes.

It's brutal.

Yeah, I get really mad at that.

You got a breakfast burrito, dude.

You can do it on seamless.

You are calling a burrito place

because you don't want to wait.

No, he has to go to work after this.

Wait, just seamless.

Is there an option for pickup on seamless?

Maybe.

I'm just going to call back.

I'm going to stay on this fucking line forever.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to double call back.

I want to go to the bad list.

This is bad listening.

No, it's not.

I've been on the phone for 20 minutes waiting.

The place is a burrito order.

Bro, I have a job to go to.

Yeah, dude, what's his name?

Matt Chrisman's friend used to work there, and he hooked me up with free burritos a couple of days.

Did you kiss his mouth and his penis?

No, but

he had a cool

Milwaukee Felix.

Yeah, his only three friends.

No, his friend from

Wisconsin.

Amber, Texas.

Amber, Texas, a.k.a.

Virgil, Texas is.

Alexis, Texas is Virgil, Texas's mom.

Really?

Yeah, I'm going to start that rumor.

What the fuck?

My call cannot be completed.

Damn,

Lucy's just fucking

a damn number.

Dude, I can't believe.

It must be so embarrassing for Virgil to watch his mom get railed out like that.

What happened to Alexis Texas?

She's a senator, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, from Texas.

It's her and John Cornyn.

I don't know.

What happens to all of them?

Don't they just become like

just become whores or no?

They like become moms.

They become like.

They just become whores.

You know what I mean?

Like, seriously, dude?

They become like escorts?

Seriously.

They become like high-end escorts and they become strippers.

No, well, Jenna Jameson is just like likes Israel a lot now.

Yeah.

They become like

shit.

Yeah, real estate agent.

She's a lot of people in life, dude.

I mean, fucking, look at Cal Penn.

He was Kumar from Harold and Kumar.

And now he's a porn star.

They became Obama's friend.

Yeah.

And now he's back to being Kumar.

Oh, is he?

Are they rebooting it?

No, I don't know, but he worked in.

I can't imagine he has the same.

What was he in charge of?

Like communications?

Can I put it on the page?

Yeah, like

maybe it was like millennial outreach or something.

Yeah.

You got Chorizo breakfast?

No, just that.

Okay, well, either do the podcast or have your phone call.

Don't speak the phone call into the.

No, no, no, no.

This is good.

This is making a real three-dimensional.

She's like, my name's Stavros, and she's like, F-A-T-S-O.

What?

That's weird, actually.

If you rearrange the letters in Stavros Halcius, you get very fat.

So I don't think that's either.

There's no F in my name.

Yeah, Stop Fry.

Stavros.

No, I'm including

the written-out sound effects of you breathing while saying that name.

Stop for sure.

No, I breathe beautifully, dude.

Yeah, I've been breathing really bad on this.

I was in the middle of the morning.

I think I I have a cold.

Yeah, you don't have a cold.

Don't lie.

Don't lie to the fans of the show.

Well, they can find out if I do have a cold tomorrow night at Carolines Unbroken.

Carolines.

Which we sold out, by the way.

So there will be Andre Steakhouse shirts available.

Yep, yours true.

Stop his golden angel shirts as well.

They fit good.

I don't have any shirts.

They've got a nice little athletic cut to them.

That's nice.

Do they?

I tried one on.

Guess what?

You will be, if you're getting a medium, maybe one of you will get to wear the shirt I fucking wore.

Oh, you're gonna sell it?

You're not even holding on to it.

Wow, that's Nick, dude.

He has no, he's not a sentimental type.

Not a sentimental type.

I'm also maximizing profits.

I'm also paying it forward to the audience by not keeping a single shirt out of all the fucking mitts.

There you go, baby.

He loves the fans, man.

Dude, I saw my friend for the first time in a while, Eric,

last week, and he was just going on to me about,

he's like, dude, he's like, fucking, he's like, capitalism is religion.

You're a fucking bitch, dude, with your DSA batch.

And then he's like, I voted for fucking Gary Johnson.

Rex Tillerson's the smartest guy in the fucking administration.

Hell yeah.

Dude, it was so funny.

Sex Rex.

Sex Rex.

Dude,

I totally forgot how much I missed Eric until last week, like getting into

a freshman dormitory argument with him in a bar in Philippines.

Yeah, he's like a proud libertarian.

It's hilarious.

He's like, yeah, dude.

I wanted Gary Johnson to get 5% New York State.

That's my goal.

That's his goal.

Yeah.

Gary Johnson, I love that Gary Johnson stopped smoking weed.

You saw that clip that someone dropped last week of

the driver's licenses from the libertarian debate for president.

It was pretty funny.

It was like, they were like, should there be driver's licenses?

And everyone's like, hell no and then and then gary johnson's like i'd like to see some qualifications that the entire like auditorium just starts booing

god damn dude libertarians are so fucking stupid

i bet they they they also like probably don't want like an age of consent or like

oh no way

or like paved roads that are free to use only if it's only if it's maximizing profit the market dude yeah the market

beautiful market they think that like every he was telling me like every publicly funded project is like

just bridges to like a place where there's like three people and it costs like five billion dollars.

That's true.

Yeah.

When he's right, he's right.

Oh man.

What are you going to do for Valentine's Day, Adam?

Well.

Is it Ash Wednesday?

Yeah, it's Schmutz Wednesday.

How about Snatch Wednesday?

Well, you got all that black on your face.

You fucking slag.

Just because you have cancer, you're going to do blackface, you fucking, you fucking whore.

Yeah.

What, you four years old?

You think because you're four, you have cancer, you can do blackface.

Not in my hospital.

You get the fuck out of my hospital.

This is an hospital for modos only.

Why don't you guys just be a module like me?

Yeah, fuck that shit.

She a smasher.

She dude.

She was alright.

She just drew Eiffel Tower.

Yeah, she got full Monte.

Can you imagine how fucking gay it is for two guys to be double Team Berry Girl and then just be like, this is our chance, the Eiffel Tower.

Like, we can finally fucking do it.

Yeah, man.

Sounds awesome.

Intentionally.

Yeah, you high-fi with your buddy.

No, it's not a high-five, man.

It's like holding hands.

Girl leaves, you guys kind of rub cocks.

You know, once, who knows where each other's cocks end up?

Yeah.

It's like.

That's a real tribute tribute to France and the guys who built the Eiffel Tower.

That's true.

That's a true man.

That's the real Eiffel Tower.

Yeah.

Because you go up to the top of it.

If you actually, a lot of people don't know this, but if you go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and you sit on it and you can fit the entire thing in your ass, you can become president.

Yep, that's how Macron got elected.

That's the throne.

That's why that other lady, who's a fascist, her pussy wasn't big enough.

Oh, yeah.

Marie Le Pen.

Marie Le Pen.

She tried, but she

Marine Le Pen.

I love knowing things about French politics.

Me too, bro.

There was another, the third guy.

Yeah.

Her name is Marine Le Pen.

Charlotte Ruse.

Monsieur Aubonpin.

He was also

the Prime Minister of France.

Yes, the race of Vita France and Pierre Aubonpin.

Johnny Depp's character in Chocolate.

Let's all rise for the national anthem.

Frere Chocolate.

Dome

boo.

Dome boo.

Something about a tina.

Something about my pinis.

Something about a tip of tinas.

Salem allatina or some shit.

Dummy.

Suck my kick comes.

And then also the phrase homble du fromage from Dexter's lab, that one episode.

What was that?

Don't remember that episode?

No.

Where Dexter keeps saying homble du fruage.

Met mon pinois dance tu bouche.

Put my penis in your mouth.

Yep.

Oh, is that what bouche means?

Yeah, bouche's mouth, right?

Yeah.

Jemme le pouste.

Did you know this whole time,

France?

Le force du boost.

The power of busting.

Jemme le force.

Jemme du booste.

Bousting.

Je d'on bousting.

Jadon le boust.

Je don boustin.

Je don joie de bousting.

Je vie de boost.

boost.

The life of busting.

You never saw that movie?

That was my favorite movie.

By Godard.

By Gay Tard.

God.

Gay Tard.

Thank you.

Scott Hard's also.

God Hard.

How about Luke Beats Offson?

Betson.

Who?

Luke Bess Betson.

Beats on.

Beats on.

Beats Off.

Beats Off Beats on.

beats off

yeah man, yeah.

I love coming up with riffs.

This one really

metered out good shitty baby having jokes and stuff.

Coming to that live show, it definitely isn't going to be an hour of this kind of boy.

Yeah, yeah.

That's yeah, it was kind of tough to do one right before the live show, but whatever.

We have 24 hours to reach.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't sleep last night.

Yeah.

But I think we can all agree that it's up to me to figure out the riffs on the show.

I got,

you know, Adam's Adam's the gay one.

Yeah,

I'm sort of the sheriff.

You're not the sheriff.

I'm the fucking sheriff, and don't you ever say I'm not the sheriff.

You're a damsel.

A damsel?

Yeah, you know what I am?

A faggot.

I'm the

got him.

What are you?

I was actually going to say the town gay guy.

So you guys got it right.

Congrats.

Sheriff!

Somebody tied the town gay guy up on the railroad tracks.

Good.

And see.

But sheriff, if he dies, who are we going to call the slurs?

Darn tootin, you're right.

Fellas, I'm getting a posse together to help that pussy.

The pussy.

Who's the sheriff of the pussy posse that deputized the rest of them?

Leo just rode a horse to Toby Maguire's house.

No, yeah.

David Blaine had the, wore the, wore the tin, dude, the shield.

I'm going to take a piss.

I think, you know, and then maybe leave.

Are we done?

We're not done.

We're still in the middle.

How much more time do we have?

So you can't piss.

All right, well.

Well, that's fine, dude.

Yeah, let's talk more about what if the pussy posse were a real Old West

posse, right?

No, I'm getting tired of this.

I have to go to work nonsense.

Of stops?

Yeah.

We should get him fired from his job.

We should get him fired from his job.

We should do something despicable on this podcast so that someone associates him with this podcast.

So they're like, well, you have to fire him because he's associated with.

We can talk about this while he's not here because he doesn't know anything about it.

Corruption charges suggested for Netanyahu.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know what it was, dude.

Fraud.

Nope, it was my interview on Israeli News.

Yeah.

Actually,

right before you did the Mac Weldon read, the guy, the producer from the Israeli News show, who I guess booked Patty to talk about Frazier, just texted me and said that he'd like to have Stop on.

Stops getting called up to the Big Links, dude.

What does he have?

Why does no one talk about body positivity?

No one ever has, no one asked me to do anything anymore.

Well, my man Philip, dude, he'll ask you.

Fuck Philip and fuck that show.

I'm not doing it.

You'll probably see him.

Nobody fucking asked me to do that.

I don't fucking ask to do a goddamn thing, and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of not getting a bad thing.

What are you talking about?

As sheriff of this fucking podcast, I'm tired of not getting

Greg Greg Gutfeld and the Red Eye, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, dude, a couple of hot appearances on

Fox News, you had some.

Uh, is uh, is is what's her name still on Fox

Cat?

Is she still doing that stuff?

Cat who from DC, Cat Timp?

Yeah, I think so.

She's still a pundit, I believe so.

Well, that's wild.

Uh,

oh, yeah, so anyway, the guy that had me on Israel i-24 News wants to have you on to talk about body positivity.

And he was wondering if you got his email.

I did not, but I guess I'll read it.

Yeah, well, you know, my appearance resulted in Netanyahu getting.

Oh, this is funny.

They found that his son.

Real quick, this will sound good.

No, it's not going to be funny.

Well, it's kind of, we can talk about it on our podcast.

It's kind of related tonally.

But they found his son, Netanyahu's son, like, is a Pepe, and he was like sharing like

Pepe memes on his Facebook page.

Yeah, he was like sharing memes of like George Soros looking like a lizard person, like holding like strings with the globe on it,

and like, yeah, and like, just like anti-Semitic, like really, yeah, and then David Duke was like, this guy rocks.

He was like, he's cool.

David Duke,

when he co-signs shit.

And then actually, his son, Netanyahu's son, son, is...

This is the worst guy to be into is Jordan Peterson.

Who is that guy?

He's like a Canadian professor.

His whole thing is like, logic is the...

There's no such thing as being trans.

Apparently, like, the first chapter of his book is about sitting up straight.

Hell yes.

It's about

not having bad pants.

Not sagging your pants.

Yeah.

Your pants.

Your pants.

Not sogging your pants.

All right.

Well, I got to go.

So many guys have sorry posture.

You got gotta go.

What time do you have to be at work?

I was supposed to be at work at 1, and I'm not going to be at work at 1.

No, you got plenty of time.

No, there's no chance.

25 minutes to get for bedside in Madison Square Guard?

Yeah, I could do that shit.

You could take it.

You didn't take a car.

I guess.

I could take a car here.

Luckily, they didn't send out a call sheet, so I'm just going to use that as an excuse.

But I know what time I'm supposed to be there.

All right.

Well, I guess that's.

And I still have to get my burrito.

And as the sheriff of this town,

good luck and good night.

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