Ep. 80 – Weight of the world

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in the immortal words of brandon wardell it's lit

oh whoa nice you know

he made that up he came up with it

brandon watched the documentary saying swag is brandon wardell he came up with that What documentary?

The pedophile documentary.

He's like, dude, I'm freaking out right now.

I was like, why?

Because you're getting flashbacks?

Yeah, we just had to restart the podcast because I had to deal with a customer service issue at the post office.

Little did they know.

I got my fucking powerful slacks on, pulled all the way the fuck up.

Yes, sir.

I got my Panama hat on.

I'm ready to handle customer service issues.

Your hoodie tucked into your pants.

Yeah, dude.

That's a good hour look.

We were saying before this started, how much fun it it is to look like a fucking idiot.

Oh, that's what I try to look ugly in every picture I take.

Yeah,

you know, and in real life.

And in real life.

No, that's not true.

Every waking moment.

You're kind of cute.

You succeed.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I think my look is working.

You've actually, you say that, but I took a whole horrible picture of you and you tried to get me to not post it and I posted it anyway.

The one where you're wearing that Janice films and your nose looks like it was a fish.

That looks so skinny.

That's the only thing I really worried about.

If certain animals look like

you're going to pretend like you're not an insane narcissist that has carefully cured

that road.

Let's go down that fucking narcissist road.

Okay, first of all, we're all narcissists.

Second of all,

an insane narcissist.

You constantly talk about your body.

Both of you do.

Well, we have to do it.

We all have issues.

We both have body images.

We both have had things we have to.

First of all, I was raised on

gushers.

It was a very, very traditional family.

Yeah, it's true.

You know, and the toll that has on a young man's blood sugar.

You know, we've had, me and Stob, me and Stob have a narrative of self-discovery and triumph.

You,

you're just a piece of shit.

All right.

You're just

some unearned sense of, you know.

Yeah, continue this hilarious bit.

There's no triumph, dude.

I had to overcome, dude.

I had to overcome.

All I ate was chicken nuggets.

Honestly, all I ate for literally one year of my life was gyro meat, like the pre-sliced and

like flounder fillets.

I wouldn't eat anything.

I was in like third grade.

And I made my mom only ate that.

We're all slum dogs, okay?

And we're all overcoming

in different ways.

I'm a cum dog trillionaire.

Yes.

Come dog.

Come dog trillionaire.

That's cool.

Well, anyways, me and Stav look pretty good.

We got good outfits.

I'm all sweatsuit all day, bitch.

Whatever.

That's it for the rest of the week.

I'm moleskin pants pulled all the way up over my sweatshirt.

I just bought more champion sweats.

Yeah.

I figure if I look like an old enough man, people can't get mad at me for being racist.

Honestly, with that hat on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like in the pic we just took, you look old as shit.

Like it's hilarious.

Like you can't really tell.

You're making a weird old guy face.

Yeah.

I look young and virile and like sexual, like a sexual, like in my sexual prime.

Yeah.

But you look old.

Dude, fuck the post office, man.

Yeah.

You really got to go to war with them.

You know?

Oh, yeah.

To get them to just deliver the goddamn mail.

And 95-year-old

Fox News

watch

that.

Yeah, dude.

Get that bit out.

That genius ass.

It's one of these, whatever.

The people are like, it's just one of these days when you don't want to wake up.

Seventh penis.

Because your co-host isn't any good at it.

And you want to know why.

you want to justify kicking out him off the show

no human contact if you're in iraq thank god we don't have a contract because that means we can fire at a motherfucker

well it wouldn't even be a fire replace him with a different gay

what kind of gay guy he said she said

out gay guy first of all yeah you'd have to be out I mean you accuse him of being straight the whole time.

Yeah, just accuse Ian of being straight, not liking trans prostitutes.

Yeah.

But there's no doubt that he does.

Ian told me he got outed on a show like years ago.

Like someone was bringing him up and they were like, yeah, I saw this guy on Grindr, but he pretends he's not gay.

And then Ian Fidance.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

That's fucking horrifying.

Yeah.

The guy brought him up like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really cruel.

It is.

Was Ian out at all at the time?

No.

I mean, Ian's still not really out.

I mean, he sort of is.

He only sucks guys' dicks if they have long hair and lipsticks.

So he's still.

That's not gay, dude.

No, by the traditional fucking game.

He's like, recognize that that's a woman.

So being gay is a stampede of antelope, right?

And Ian is Mufasa.

And Scar is his homosexual impulses.

Ian's like, help me.

He's fought them off valiantly for a long time, but

little does he know what those impulses have for him.

Anyway, that's a nice, tidy analogy.

I was saying they're making a live-action version of Lion King coming up.

People are already mad about the casting, I think.

No, I think.

Is it live-action?

I thought so.

I thought it's just a reboot.

Like a cartoon reboot with new voices?

That's what I thought.

Yeah.

Because how the fuck are they going to be lions?

Beyonce is going to be a lion?

Yeah,

it's going to be like they do on Broadway.

The puppet headdress?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like a puppet show.

Yeah.

That doesn't sound good.

Unless you can see Beyonce's titties.

It's like how they did Beauty and the Beast.

They did a live-action Beauty and the Beast.

Yeah, but those were people.

Except for the Beast.

Yeah, the Beast is a person.

Do they have people?

Everyone's going to be CGI'd up?

I guess, yeah.

That would be pretty cool if they were like avatars.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

I mean, I thought the Lions were already sexual enough in the original Lion King.

I blame that movie for creating furries.

The Lion King?

Because Nala was saying, oh, yeah, that scene with the Can You Feel the Love Tonight?

And then the Lions are, like, making out missionary style.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, very similar to Mark Ruffalo in The Normal Heart.

We should tack on.

Tim Riggs.

We should tack on the beginning of the last two years.

No, no, I think we should throw that away.

Why?

Half of it was me sitting on hold with

the post office.

It's a funny thing.

I'm going through a recap of the Justice League movie for you.

Yeah, that one was on the phone.

Yeah, that was funny.

That was kind of funny.

The mustache thing is funny.

Yeah.

Well, you'll never know about it, guys.

Whatever.

You know what was funny?

Speaking of cartoon sex, is like Avatar, where they like...

They tie their

tail pussies together, and that's how they fuck.

Yeah.

That was like a whole thing in porn after Avatar.

Was that there was like Navi?

Oh, yeah, dude.

As soon as Avatar came out, Fleshlight made an alien-style pussy

that was just like a blue.

Yeah, it was for people that wanted to fuck the Navy.

Nice.

How about the Viking?

I like that by Navy.

They got no vagina.

Oh, no thanks.

Nice.

That's what I say to that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a new Avatar.

I would have fucking

so much.

They're making a second one.

Yeah, it was fucking horrible.

Yeah.

Giovanni Robertson.

It's a shame that James Cameron isn't also one of the pedophiles.

Yeah, that would be awesome.

Yeah, he's too autistic.

Although.

Terminator's good.

He's just...

I don't think he has sexual function.

Yeah, he just sucks, dick.

That's why he has to go to the bottom of the ocean.

To fuck one of those weird little fuck one of those fish that look like aliens.

A lot of teeth.

It's a little lamp on its head.

Ted Cruz.

Vampire fish.

Vampire octopod.

I don't fuck my goth maul girlfriend octopus.

That's why he's always down there.

He's hanging his dick out the little window.

That's right, dude.

That's a good-ass joke.

I know a lot of people at home are probably like, what the fuck is?

You don't even say anything?

It's kind of just lazy.

Nah, nah, nah.

You're incorrect.

Nah, brother.

Wait until you get that bit on SNL, James Cameron, fucking a vampire octopus in the mouth.

People are like, get him.

Resistance.

We will overcome

Donald Trump by watching James Cameron fuck a starfish.

Yo, you know, they got SpongeBob on Broadway now?

And it's just people?

He's not even in a yellow suit or nothing.

It's a guy with fucking just a pompadour in brown slacks and a white shirt.

That's SpongeBob, you being used to mop up a bunch of cum.

That's good.

Against his will.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's soaking into my body.

Just take it, you fucking bitch.

Is that Squidward?

What does SpongeBob sound like?

Squidward.

What does SpongeBob sound like?

Ah, dude.

He sounds like annoying as fuck.

Does he sound like this?

Sort of.

Yeah, yeah, actually.

But less Jewish.

I never watched SpongeBob.

Do you remember Rocco's Modern Life?

His friend Philbert.

I want to fuck your ass.

That's Squidward.

Philbert was like a Jewish turtle.

Oh, boy.

I'm delicious.

I'm kidding.

Duicious.

Yeah.

That show was sick.

Rocco's Modern Life?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember the music?

Adam's favorite show was Suck Caco's Modern Life.

Damn, dude.

I was going to say Fucko's hard ass dick.

Adam also watched that show.

They came on it one after the other.

My parents wouldn't let me.

And then, of course, Young Sheldon, which they gave Adam an advanced copy of, which is to this day his favorite show.

You like Young Sheldon?

Yeah, I really like it.

Adam was sat on watching Big Bang Theory, and he's like, what if Sheldon was young?

Why couldn't there be a young version of this man?

Sheldon Idelson.

Yeah.

The guy who raped young Sheldon.

That's another callback to an episode like 20 episodes ago.

Yeah, that was a funny joke.

I guess one of the actors from Charles in Charge said, I was raped repeatedly on the set of Charles in Charge.

I want Scott Bayo to say something about it.

Oh, damn.

Wow.

Yeah.

Charles and Charles.

And Scott Bayo's not saying anything.

Scott Bayo's too stoked about Trump being the president.

Yeah.

Charles and Joe.

Well, it looks like Scott Gayo or Scott Bayo was Scott Gayo for a Scott five-year-old Zay.

Yeah.

Gayo Scott gave it five stars.

That's good, man.

I just gayo's bit about Scott Bayo.

Scott Bayo opens a food company.

He's like, Scott Bayo here for Scott Bayo's Boschettios.

Scotty Bayo's Bischettios.

And that was the whole joke.

It was in my weed years.

Yeah, dude.

That's good shit.

I was cracking myself up last night, imagining, doing a bit on stage where I talk about how I'm trying to give back to people.

So

I'm opening a charity called Blades for AIDS, where I

give

roller blades for guys with AIDS.

Which seems like it doesn't really do much.

Hey, they love rollerblades.

Well, they already have rollerblades.

They probably love rollerblades.

It would have to be dead AIDS.

Well, it would have to be, you would have to maintain, like help them do maintenance on their rollerblades.

Yeah.

Because, you know.

Like, hey, buddy, where'd you get those cool rollerblades?

I have AIDS.

Thank you, sir, for telling me.

That's why that scene in Big Daddy, where they throw the sticks at the rollerblades.

That's homophobic.

Yeah, that's true.

How about Pig Daddy?

And it's a guy that has a son.

He wasn't planning on having a son, but now he has a son.

But he still loves to just get fucked in his ass and mouth all day long.

He's still a total fuck pig.

That's good.

And it's Pig Daddy.

Oh, yeah, man.

Yeah.

Let's see all the Adam Sandler movies.

Okay.

Happy Gilmore.

Happy Fillmore.

Happy Philmore.

And it's a guy that, you know, he wants to be a gold.

His ass is already pretty full.

He's got full of comma.

He's like, keep fucking my ass!

Kill it, Moy!

Keep fuck my ass!

Woo-hoo!

Put a digit in my head, hoo!

Yeah, you know, like that.

Little Nikki, but it's

little Vicky.

Yeah.

Small ass day.

That one's easy money.

Sure.

Okay, Billy Madison.

Billy

Madison.

Fuck my asshole.

How about my asshole song?

Silly Faggotson.

Okay, yeah.

And he's just, you know.

Yeah, same voice I did earlier.

Yeah.

I'm a death in the faggot.

Sure, sure.

These are all great ideas, guys.

Spanglish.

These are all the brilliant ideas that are really going to help us break through into the entertainment industry.

What about

really looking for groundbreaking punching up kind of stuff like this?

Okay, here's punching up.

Instead of the wedding singer, the Brian singer, right?

Oh, that's good.

Oh, that is good.

And he just fucking chilled it on the set of X-Men together.

What about the getting-heading singer?

Adam, great stuff, honestly.

I appreciate it.

But that was necessary.

Except defeat.

Except defeat.

Who's going to suck my dog?

Yo, I like the wedding song.

That was a good movie.

Anyway, but I don't mean to break our momentum here.

Was it Mr.

Biggs?

Was that one of them?

Mr.

Deeds.

Mr.

Deeds.

Mr.

Bleeds out of his ass for getting fuck too hard.

You know what I'm saying?

There we go.

There we go, brother.

What was the good movie he was in that everyone says?

English?

No, no.

Punch Drunk Love.

Punch Drunk Love.

Come Drunk Love.

Yeah, come drunk.

Easy.

Yeah.

I love getting drunk off cum and then punching my boyfriend for not coming enough.

That's a good bit.

Nice and concise.

This is really getting me right now.

Yeah.

This is really funny.

This is really funny to be right now.

Yeah, I'm high off my big win against the post office.

Yeah, you told them, dude.

Yeah.

They're going to make you postmaster general.

Yeah.

Act more like Ass Master General.

You know?

Lick my ass.

That would be racist to be the postmaster, right?

Yep.

I thought they only staffed that position out of the Klan.

That's right.

Post-MASA is actually.

Yo, what's up with the mailmen that still wear pith helmets?

Is that an is that honestly still happening?

I have seen them.

When I was in Austin, four years ago is the last time I saw one.

Well, that's Texas.

Pith helmets, is that hot?

Does it make it less hot?

No,

they made them for the military in Africa.

Yeah, it's like a safari-style look.

Yeah, does it make, but that's what I mean.

Like, does it fade out to pull you down?

What's pith?

Pith is the part of the tree that's not the heartwood, I guess.

It's like the younger part of the tree.

I thought it was the way a gay guy says piss.

Yeah, it is.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's what he calls the tip of his dick, is my pith helmet.

Oh, a male man.

Double.

Double.

Double the fun.

I can't wait wait to suck that mailman's hip helmet.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, boy.

I just got back from Cleveland.

I'm fucking hungry as shit because I've been vegetarian, boys.

Dog, I'm hungry, but I got to wait until this goddamn mailman comes back out and delivers me my 140-pound weight vest.

That it's definitely they are the assholes for not bringing to me.

Some fucking guy with a bad bag has just luckier fucking

all the way up the stairs.

That's what you get for not dying in 9-11 with your buddies.

You could have been a hero and you chose to deliver the mail instead of being a fireman like me.

That used to be so funny.

That used to make me laugh so hard whenever I would hear that.

That was a great song, dude.

Shuts out, Lil Weezy.

I've sold so many of those ringtones.

Oh, that's right.

You were a ringtone game.

Yeah, dude.

At the mall.

Who was the biggest seller?

Who was the hottest selling ringtone of the day?

Probably Lil Wayne, dude.

Back then.

Riding Dirty was probably pretty good, too, right?

Nah, fuck Riding Dirty.

I don't know, man.

Chameleonaire is a millionaire off ringtone money, dude.

That story about him and Michael Jackson is so funny.

Or

yeah, Michael Jordan and Chameleonaire.

Oh, what happened?

Well, the story is

hinges on an N-word.

The punchline is the N-word.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Michael Jordan called him the N-word.

Yeah.

Michael Jordan.

A broke one, I believe.

Like a notoriously nice guy.

Yeah, he dresses so fucking stupid, too.

My man's just got baggy ass fucking

canvas pants.

Yeah, the zipper on his pants.

No, no.

Michael Jordan's all about like acid-faded Jenkos.

He's got jeans with butt flaps on them, like diamond diamonds.

Where the zipper of his jeans is like three and a half feet long.

Yeah.

It's always like a hockey jersey and then like

oversized shorts.

He's black Kevin Smith.

And

skateboarding shoes.

What's the guy from?

Fat guy skateboarding shoes is the funniest stuff.

Yeah, he's the black Kevin Smith Jordan.

What is it?

Fat guy skateboarding shoes is the funniest.

It's always the funniest look.

I've never worn skateboarding shoes in my life.

Really?

Fat guy's wearing the skateboarding shoes that turn sideways because of their weight.

Oh, yeah, it's awful.

And they never have laces.

They're leaning so hard to one side.

You remember those shoes?

I used to work at Papa John's.

The manager was this fat guy, Phil, that would wear skate shoes.

And he, like, never, ever, ever washed his Papa John's shirt.

So it was like,

there was like baked dough

from the cornmeal mixing with his body.

It was just on the shirt.

And then the shirt somehow went past his ass, and he would sag his pants.

So he wore like a size 32 pant underneath his ass, and then his whole body was fat.

So his shirt went

down and in.

Tucked into his cheeks.

You can see his ass cheeks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think I told this story about him on the podcast before.

I can't remember.

But one day me and another driver show up to the store, and the store's not open.

Yes.

But yeah, quickly.

What do you mean, quickly?

Say it.

Tell the story.

Oh, but but I told it already?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah,

we found out like hours later.

Phil's like, y'all burned down my apartment complex.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But don't worry, my PlayStation's okay.

Salute.

Salute to a true warrior, dude.

No, having his fucking priorities in line.

Yeah, and his

saved twice

the apartment complex.

That's right, that's right.

He was supposed to be like the manager or some shit.

Yeah, he was just some fail son that lived in his dad's apartment complex rent-free, and he burned the fucking thing down.

Well, he's not making money, but at least he's not destroying the way I make my living.

Yeah.

Philip!

I like to imagine his dad is also fat, but like a serious businessman, but he wears his clothes the same way.

He's got like a business suit on, but tucked in below his ass.

Just a striped, button-down shirt, highlighting his fucking fat cheeks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good look, dude.

That'll make your butt cheeks pop, honestly.

Yeah.

You probably got a nice look at his cheeks.

Nice little bubble, butt.

Bubba, but.

Bubba, bubba, bubble, butt.

Suck my dick, eat my ass.

You know, you wanted to do it.

But, fuck.

Yeah.

I just got back from the land.

I like Cleveland.

I hear it's tight.

Yeah.

It's a.

On

Lake Erie.

I didn't see Mimi.

I didn't see either of the guys from whose line is it anyway?

That one guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Yeah, the other guy wasn't who's line.

The other guy was in office space.

Yeah, the other guy was in office space.

He was great.

He was the next-door neighbor in office space.

Yep, yep.

I didn't see Drew or Colin Ferguson.

Yeah, oh, that's right.

He was the boss.

He was the boss.

That show had like some.

That show looked like a hell of a lot of fun.

Yeah.

You know, even if it wasn't funny, it looked like they were having fun.

I loved it.

I watched it a lot as a small fucking child.

You probably looked a lot like Drew Carry as a child.

I did.

He was one of my heroes.

All the black black kids, because everywhere I went, it was like 90%.

All my schools was like 90%

black, 10% white.

And every time there was a new fat white comedian, everyone just said I looked like him.

Like, Ralph's the fat guy.

I got Ralphie May.

I got Drew Carey.

I got Jack Black.

I got

Kevin James was a big one.

Yeah.

And I would take that.

Did you get Farley?

I got.

Were you a falling down guy?

Did you ever do that for life?

Did my man look like a fam?

What?

No one ever said my man looked like a fam.

Oh, can I just say, so it's not buried at the end of the episode, our funny moms on the 11th next week is our last one of the year, and we're not back until the fourth week of January because they have some sort of.

Oh, shit, really?

Yeah, because

the fourth one this month is Christmas.

So the 11th is our finale for New York for the year, and then we're off for the next one.

And we got Tim Dylan will be on that show.

We haven't booked the rest of it, but.

I thought you said Yams is on it.

No, she can't do it.

She can't do it.

Yeah, so Tim Dylan will be there.

And we're going to book it.

It'll be a hot ass day.

We're going to have a lot of.

Also, on the 22nd, I guess we're doing Blood DC for some reason.

The Black Cat.

I just wanted to highlight.

That'll be our live show, and we've got some surprises for you, aka.

We're going to fuck Adam live on stage.

Yeah, we're going to.

I've agreed to do it for comedy.

We're going to try to do the podcast live and Peter out every 15 minutes.

And then it's going to be the worst show

that they've ever put on.

No, it's going to be good, dude.

You think, like,

sometimes I like to imagine Gigi Allen just like ran out of songs one time, and then he was like, I don't know what to do.

He started eating food.

He started shitting in his hand and eating it.

And people are like, Yeah!

And he's like, That's it.

That's my thing.

Getting fisted on stage.

He's like playing a fucking ukulele.

It's completely different music.

He's like going to manager's office.

I love having sex.

Right.

Yeah, he's going to manager's office.

He's like, I've got an act for you.

Yeah, boy, do we have it.

This is going to be top of the pops, let me tell you.

Fuck kids.

Then he has a song that was like.

The aristocrats was yourself.

It's like the stupidest fucking movie, dude.

Yeah.

It's such a stupid fucking movie.

Yeah.

Well, it's fine.

It's just stop pretending it's anything that's like, you know, stop pretending it's like art or anything.

Guess who's outside?

Uh-oh.

Mail time?

Mail the mail time.

Mail time.

Motherfucking man.

All right, let's take a break break and then we'll come back.

Well, he's not.

Yeah, I'm just going to run downstairs real quick.

I'll go down there and handle this shit.

I'll be back.

All right.

Nick is running downstairs like it's Christmas morning right now, so he can get up.

I'm going to get his fucking weight vest.

160.

I have.

Have you ever celebrated a single Christmas?

I went up, I dated a girl.

I have to celebrate.

No, no, no.

This is ridiculous.

This is.

Alright, so

I've been left alone on the podcast, ladies and gentlemen.

It's just me.

This has been something that I I've been dreaming of for a long time.

So I want to say a couple of things.

One is that Nick and Stav are my best friends, and I appreciate all of the disses, the onage,

the insults that are hurled at me every week.

And I actually have planned them.

I plan them myself.

I write them in an email the night before every episode.

You know, where Nick called me

a narcissist today.

I actually prepared that for Nick, and it was my idea.

So if you hop on board that joke, that means you're literally just stealing a bit that I had written for Nick and stop.

If your dick had a mouth, would you suck another dick with it?

If my dick had a mouth, would I?

Why?

Like, would I dock another dick with my dick?

It would feel like it would be a mouth.

So it would be like you're putting something in your mouth, but it's a smaller mouth.

No, why would I do that?

To be cool to that guy.

Would you do that?

Yeah, if you asked me.

Would you suck another guy's dick with your real mouth?

No, but with my dick mouth.

It doesn't have taste buds, by the way.

So would you just feel it going into your mouth?

You would feel like you would not object going into your mouth.

I wonder what it's like to suck a dick.

Yeah, it's probably.

What does a dick taste like?

Because you know, dick and balls get like a stick.

Like after, like, six hours after I shower, a dick and balloon.

It's quite the messy affair, though.

Yeah, but I'm so accustomed to the flavor.

Even

you've had a hot dog in your mouth.

You've had a banana in your mouth.

Is it like just like that?

We know the geometric, you know.

The fucking

hot dog because it's got kind of a skin on it.

Yeah, it would be a lot like a hot dog.

I feel like I hear Nick yelling at the post office guy.

Is he outside?

Yeah, he's outside.

The audience is really gonna love this.

We'll just fucking pause it.

Fuck Nick.

All right, we're gonna pause it.

We'll be right back once Nick has yelled at this minimum wage postal employee.

We're back.

If you

notice a difference in my voice, it sounds more masculine.

It's because I'm now 85 pounds heavier than I was

prior to the break.

Your balls dropped.

That's right, dude.

I'm wearing 85 pounds of hot fucking lead.

That's right.

He's wearing the the fucking vest.

He just did one pull-up, and he's winded from it.

I fucking, yeah.

I don't know if I can walk in that, so.

Yeah.

Props on that one pull-up.

I could probably do three.

Well, that's why I'm.

You got to go max effort when you're trying something for the first time.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's doing an injury.

I know I could probably do three.

I could probably do four.

No, you couldn't.

Well, what would you weigh?

10 pounds?

What do I weigh?

No, you add 85 pounds of your weight, and you would be, what, 46 or something?

About two.

Yeah, your asshole absorbs weight.

It's like a black hole.

Yeah, dude.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

Well, it's actually hard because his asshole is constantly making a sucking motion.

That's right.

So when he goes to do a pull-up, his asshole is sucking him closer to the ground.

So it's harder.

It's harder.

I forgot to give you credit.

Thanks for appreciating that.

Thank you for giving me props.

Your asshole

loves sucking.

It's like an octopus'.

I've lost track of what we talked about because we've stopped and started so many times.

Was James Cameron?

Was James Cameron fucking an octopus?

I think that was in our last

in the one that's in the lost episode.

No, no, the one that's.

Oh, okay.

Just do it.

Damn, I'm going to be so damn powerful when I max out this weight vest.

Are you going to wear that around?

Are you going to wear that on the subway and stuff?

That's bad for your joints.

To walk around like that.

Yeah, I just wear it for the.

Yeah, I'm going to walk around and maybe your thighs

and paths will get really big.

No, just do squats.

You look like

Delta Force guy.

No, you just do squats for that shit.

Are you going to be able to sit up from the position you're in right now?

I'm actually mobilized.

You are?

There we go.

It took a little effort.

Yeah, I'm still.

With this on, I still weigh less than Stob does.

Yeah, but you're not as good.

You've got how many pounds on right now?

85.

85.

How much do you weigh right now?

I weigh like 157.

Okay.

Yeah, you do weigh less than me.

Well, that's why I stay fat.

It's not, it's for my health.

I get stronger.

Oh, you do weight.

Like you're always wearing a weight vest.

You only do it to do pull-ups.

I do it grocery store, having sex,

taking a shit.

I'm always fat.

Yeah.

So I could lose weight like that, but I choose not to to maintain strength and alpha.

Yeah.

Alpha dumb.

Can you do one pull-up?

I cannot, but that's because

the rest of my body's too strong.

We should see how much I need to add before I'm stopped weight, and then see if I can do one.

And then we put it on Adam and see if Adam can do one.

See if Adam can walk.

Adam has to walk up the stairs at stav weight.

Yeah,

live in my fucking stairs.

Okay, so I'm like 142.

So we would add 140 pounds.

Yeah,

115.

All right, let's go 120.

I'll go 120.

I'll give you that 5x.

I say 110.

I'll be the one.

Okay, you give me 110?

Yeah.

I could take the stairs.

Yeah.

I could take the stairs.

All right.

Well,

now it's 100 and yeah.

You lost about half a pound on that

diarrhea.

On that ass trombone that you just.

What is that?

Fucking Satchimo coming out of your ass?

And I'll suck all my dick.

And I think to myself, until I turn, what a beautiful dick.

The way you suck my dick.

The way you drink my pee.

The way you eat my ass.

Oh, no, you can't take that away from me.

Yeah, you guys could never, you know, live in my shoes, dude.

Yeah.

It's a tough life.

All this extra weight, but.

Being morbidly obese.

Regular obese.

We've covered this.

I'm not morbidly obese.

I am the regular kind of obese.

But I have very

powerful lower body as a result.

And when I do decide

to shed the pounds, which will be any day now,

I will have the largest, most luxurious legs and quads and fucking hamstrings you've ever seen in your life.

You would look so fucking weird if you lost weight, dude.

We could do, you know what we could do?

I would look good as shit.

You know, like a couple episodes ago when you were describing your Thanksgiving meal with your family for

like it took like six minutes to get through all the things.

Which, by the way, sh took me into vegetarianism.

We could do like maybe like a we could cut that with like you wearing like a woman like an older woman's costume, maybe a grandma costume, but you could do a whole clumps thing

with your family.

I would love to.

That would be nice, right?

Hercules, Hercules.

Yeah, you could play your mom, you could play your grandma, your old Greek.

Era racist uncle.

Your racist uncle is the N word.

It's not me.

It's a character.

It's a character.

I don't understand.

You You know, they have the bodies.

They have this gorilla body.

Why do we let them in the same schools, you know?

That's my racist uncle.

Pandeli.

What's his name?

Pandeli.

Pandali?

Pandali.

He's named after Peter Pan?

Yeah, yeah.

Pandali is a Greek name.

I don't know.

Pan.

He's named after Pan.

He's named after Pan The Goat Legs Guy with the flute?

Yep.

That's pretty.

That's my racist uncle.

You should go as that guy for Halloween next year.

Yeah, it's just a regular.

Oh, Pan the goat guy.

Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea.

Yeah, shirtless.

Yeah, hoof feet.

Shirtless, hoof feet.

He's also horny.

He's horny as shit.

Super horny.

Now we're talking.

That's right up your alley, bud.

Those guys fucked.

That was Hercules' mentor in Hercules, the animated movie.

He was one of those guys, a half-goat guy.

And in reality, he would have been fucking and sucking left and right.

I'm sure they sucked each other off, too.

Nick, your thoughts?

Oh, I don't know.

You're not a big mythology bad?

I didn't think Pan was Greek.

I thought it was the

Chronicles and Arni or some shit.

They did

crossover.

By the way, that guy that did Pan's Labyrinth,

what's his name?

Not Guillermo del Toro.

Yeah, it is.

Is it?

Yeah.

Guillermo del Toro.

He's got a new fucking name.

Gay Elmo Delta.

Guillmo.

I want to suck a cock

and then eat tacos.

Sure.

Yeah, why not?

Because Del Toro.

Right, Del Toro.

I like that, yeah.

Means of bull, right?

And I want to suck a bull's cock.

I'm Gay Elmo.

He's got a new movie where.

This thing's like compressing my circulatory system.

Should you take it off?

I don't think so.

You seem like you're in distress, bro.

I am.

I'm falling asleep.

I'm like choking myself out with this 85-pound weight vest on.

I had to put your fucking phone away.

What are you doing?

I just had it.

I had an eBay bid I had to play.

What was it?

He's buying antique coins again.

Huh?

I'm buying anti-coins.

Oh,

you're buying someone's jokes?

No, I'm buying bipes.

Bapes, you're buying bathing apes?

Yeah, bathing apes sneakers.

What kind?

The bapes does.

I'm in the mood for a new track suit myself.

Oh, dude, I almost bought one last night.

I mean, never mind.

I've lost interest earlier.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I want to buy.

Yeah, I'm trying to buy.

Let's talk about it.

It was Adidas, like, made in Japan.

I took a picture of it.

I almost sent it to you guys.

Okay, well, that doesn't do anything on a podcast.

I'll read it right now.

Describe it.

It looked really good.

I almost bought it.

It's like navy blue and orange, which sounds weird.

Oh, I saw that.

You know that one?

The Adidas original is made in Japan.

This joint.

This one?

Oh, actually, that's not that good.

No, it looks like a Star Trek outfit.

Yeah, it sort of does look like a fan.

My man over here trying to look like Captain Aspicard.

My man trying to, but you're Deanna Troy.

That's who you are on the show, Adam.

Oh, no.

No, I'm not.

Is she the one with the big titties?

She's a Greek woman.

Yeah.

I used to think she was one of the hottest girls in the world.

It's not because she looked like you.

No, she's

your role model.

My hair was never that luscious and long.

Adam's like,

that's me, a big breast.

I always thought Riker

Riker and I was going to remind all the big titty women in all media growing up.

That is going to be me when I grow up.

Don't try to laugh at it, bitch.

Don't try to include yourself in our own of you.

Good one, guys.

Thanks.

Thanks for watching.

I mean, shut up.

Shut up, bitch.

That's right.

Those guys are the best.

Keep going, fellas.

Everyone

does that.

Ian did that with Lewis.

Well, Ian has no reward for me.

I remember when Lewis threw the coffee.

Threw his coffee.

He was like, that's right.

Bring me my coffee.

I felt bad for Lee.

Just threw the coffee on the ground.

I felt so bad for Ian the other night because he told me how his dad died, and I was just laughing in his face.

Well, his dad got smashed.

By a train.

But not hit by a train, he got smashed by a coin.

What do you mean, underneath?

No, the train was suspended from a crane, and it like fucked.

Oh,

my God.

Oh, what the fuck?

Like Looney Tunes, like a piano?

And he got fucking.

flattened out.

Yeah, he got fucking

splat.

The last sound he did before he died was just like as an accordion back and forth.

Well, I was just laughing.

Imagine

the guys from the train company having to go to

young Ian being like, I'm sorry, your father was smashed.

He's like, he got fucked to death.

Oh, yeah.

That's why Ian's trying to get fucked to death is because he thought that he could live up to, you know, those expectations.

What's crazy

total income now is if three guys are running a truck.

I felt bad, though.

I was trying to laugh at him.

He was clearly sad.

He goes,

he's like, yeah, you know, I mean,

you really don't accept it or whatever.

He's like,

what are you asking him for?

The charger.

The charger.

He's like, yeah, you know,

I would see homeless people and think they were him.

Be like, you know, you really don't give up hope.

I'm like,

don't tell me that.

I'm trying to laugh at you.

Don't humanize this.

All right, don't make that.

The greatest tragedy of your life that has clearly shaped the the rest of your life.

Right, exactly.

I mean, like, how fucking insane?

The greatest tragedy of his life was, honestly, him and his friend jacking each other off.

Let's be real here.

No, that was all.

No, I'm just kidding, honestly.

That's really sad.

What were we saying, Nick?

Well, I don't know.

I'm having trouble thinking now.

Thanks, Vesta.

You have a hundred-pound vest on you, and you're so exhausted from your flawless victory over the

post-off.

That's the real triumph.

I don't give a shit about the pull-ups.

I won.

You beat

the mailman.

Why did you take a picture of my truck?

I'm like, because I'm allowed to.

And he's like, this is federal government property.

I'm like, yeah, that means I'm allowed to take a picture of it.

Also, schooled his ass.

Take that, papi.

Yeah, you're out in a public street.

You have no expectation of privacy.

Yep, and you're a celebrity.

As a mailman, you're a public figure.

Yeah.

You're getting

Corey Feldman.

Try and prosecute that shit, motherfucker.

You're getting a ton of pussy all around town.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

If I was a mailman,

I would fuck a lot of women.

I would fuck every woman on the rack.

Me too.

He'd be like, knock, knock, knock.

Special door.

I got your milk right here.

The milk you ordered.

Actually, I used to work at a grocery store with this old Bolivian guy that would fuck women in the generator room.

Yeah.

He just, he was like a fucking, like, in his early 40s, this short, like, disgusting bolivian guy hell yeah dude that he was like yeah i fuck all you women in the back

how does he do it he went up he was like

he told me one time he's like i went up to this woman i was like oh you like milk what about chocolate milk you know what i'm saying and then she came in the back

that i mean that's what he said yeah it's kind of

true there was this other guy kevin another old guy that worked there i'm like is that shit that henry says true he's like

yeah he's like one time he had this woman in the back and he came out and he got me and he was like do you want to come fuck her?

I'm like, no, I'm at work.

He asked me,

what?

The old guy would have to be like, so wait, wait, wait.

This isn't like, he's not like bringing his like side bitches to the grocery store.

These are strangers.

These are women picking up a can of garbanzo beans.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're like, you know what?

I could get rockbogged by some fat 5'2 Guatemalan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You like beans?

He's a Bolivian.

I mean, he wasn't fat, but you know.

Oh, okay.

Was he sexy?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No, he was like a daylight.

He's a guy who works at a grocery.

He's a 55-year-old man that works at a gross grocery store.

He was just a Bolivian Pua.

He just had such incredible skills.

Yeah, no, and I remember I went up to the manager one time, this guy, Ricky, and I had to ask him about something.

And there's this woman talking to him.

She's like, seriously, that is not okay.

Ricky's like, yeah, I understand.

We will discuss this with him, and we will face constants.

And then he's like, fucking,

I don't know what she's talking about.

But the woman finally leaves, and I'm like, is that about Henry?

He's like, man, Henry, fucking

that dude.

He's like, he's got to cool it, man.

He can't keep trying to fuck all these customers in the store.

What the fuck, dude?

That is incredible.

Yeah, that shit was hilarious.

Do you think it's like a Boomhauer situation?

Like, he just throws it out so many times,

he's got to sink

one out of every 200 threes.

That's kind of.

I mean, that's like

the James Toback thing.

That's the getting way.

It's like if you rape a thousand women, a hundred of them will will be a consensual.

That was his quote.

His famous quote that Alec Baldwin used to have on his desk.

In the show 30, right?

Yeah.

No one knew.

Did you ever hear what James Toback had to say about fucking.

Yo, that is insane.

That guy was fucking.

In the back.

He's your hero, isn't he, Stop?

He is.

I want to be that guy.

I'm going to get a grocery store job and ask every woman I see meekly to have sex with me.

And they will all say no.

Do you want to call me into the back?

Also, like, like

the machine room, it's like this room that generates electricity and shit.

It's dangerous.

It's just loud, fucking, yeah.

It's like, yeah.

Dank, like, yeah, scary

scary word.

It's the kind of place like a middle-aged woman would want to get fucked, but I guess, hey.

You know, that is fucking insane.

Opportunity to cheat on your husband with

like, I mean, who will ever suspect that that?

Right.

There's no, that is, that will never come back on you.

Yeah.

If you want some strange little dick,

and he probably didn't have a big dick, he's a short guy, right?

5'2, you said?

No, Adam said that.

Yeah, I think you said that.

I think you called him 5'2.

I don't know.

But yeah, he probably wasn't that short.

He's probably like 5'5 or something.

He's the real-ass dude of the week.

Real ass dude of the week.

Damn, dude.

That is my hero.

Fuck.

Have you ever fucked in a place of business, Adam?

I'm trying to think.

I would jack off in all my old jobs, but never had sex.

Yeah.

Do you guys ever jack off at school?

No.

Yeah, I used to do that in high school.

In the bathroom?

Yeah, in the bathroom.

I think so.

Like, when my hormones were just that crazy.

I remember one time I was sitting in class.

You couldn't get that.

I was sitting in science class, and this other kid came to me who sat next to me.

And he came in, and he looked like a ghost, and he had just gone to the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, what's up?

He's like, dude, I just went to the bathroom and there was a retarded kid in there washing his balls in the sink.

Holy fucking shit.

And I like, you know, as soon as he said that, there was like the dust cloud outline of me.

And I was like, already in the bath, but I didn't see it.

Oh, no, you missed it.

Yeah, I didn't see it.

Damn.

Damn, dude, that's awesome.

Yeah.

Fuck, I'm.

Oh, my God.

It's just so funny that it's like

the retarded kid thought that was part of the process.

Because you piss,

and then you wash your balls.

Well, he probably got a little piss on his balls.

Yeah.

And he's like, well, there's only one thing to the only one way to rectify this.

Well, when you're retarded, your whole life is going to the bathroom.

You know what I'm saying?

They fucking straight up love going to the bathroom.

They get into it, they pull their pants all the way down.

All the way down.

Classic.

All the way down.

I'm all the way down.

All the way down.

I'm retarded.

I'm pulling my pants all the way down.

I'm pissing retarded.

I saw this fucking junkie on the train, like, singing that all the way.

All the way up.

He had horrific, like, scoliosis and then, like, a pencil-strap beard.

And, like, you know, you can tell his body was just awful, but he had like a 9XLT.

Yeah.

He's like, all the way up.

You know, fucking just falling into people.

Shout out to Fat Joe somehow making a resurgence.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good for him.

Him and Remy Ma.

They're on everything.

He didn't

lay by the heart disease.

Remember Lean Back?

Of course, dude.

Lean Back.

What a fucking hit.

Poor Big Pun, dude.

He was fat as shit.

Yeah.

He was about your person.

No, he was not.

Yes, he was.

That was funny when you posted that pic with Jamel and someone replied with that.

That was not funny.

That was very funny.

That was cyberbullying.

That was very funny.

What it was was cyberbullying.

What happened?

Someone replied with that pic of Fat Joe and Big Pun at the VMA.

They were both in suits at like a wedding or something.

Ring Jamel looked very handsome.

Richamel looked cute.

And we were being cyberballed.

It was supposed to that pic where Big Pun is literally 800 pounds.

And I think he was like 5'3 or something.

He was not a very tall guy.

He fucked, though, despite his head.

He had Stav's exact stats.

No way, dude.

He was strong as shit.

That was like,

Big Pun was really

doing big things like during the

fat dude.

When Gene Shorts, like, it was a very heavy gene shorts era.

And then, like, you'd see those videos where they'd go back to Puerto Rico and be on the beach, and like, he'd just be in these gene shorts, which well, you know, he didn't grow up fat either.

He just got that fat in like a four-year time frame.

Did he?

Oh, man, that must have been such a fun thing.

Because there's pictures of him from when he was like 20.

Oh, yeah, like in like Adidas tracksuits, like, sort of

normal size.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I've seen that.

I've seen that picture, too.

He looks like kind of a goon.

Yeah.

Dude, imagine how good that four years was just eating all the pastry.

I don't know if it was that good.

Cinnamon buns and shit.

Fried chicken for every meal.

I'm about to throw up from this vest.

Dude, it's probably really pushing down on you.

It is really funny.

You're podcasting with this song, right?

It makes you a better podcast.

Absolutely.

I've got three songs training.

Yeah, dude.

And I've got one of those balls that makes your pussy tighter.

You squeeze it or whatever.

I got one of those in my ass

to make my ass tight.

Stop Stop looking at your phone, motherfucker.

It's just this.

Sorry.

Fuck your babe shoes.

Yeah, he's looking at his fucking notifications.

This boy is notification obsessed.

He can't wait to see what all of his adoring fans have to say about his latest stupid fucking picture.

Which is a picture of you guys.

Yeah, no.

That's why it's the case.

I was not looking at the notifications.

Tell us what people are saying.

People are saying you guys look good.

Yeah, we do look good, man.

But I was not checking that.

Who's trying to go on a date with a man in a gray champion sweatsuits?

The people that leave compliments on Instagram Instagram are fucking weird.

It's weird.

Yeah, I'd rather have an insult.

I'm looking to be owned.

Yeah.

That's the only reason we're in business.

Of course, dude.

That's our bread and butter.

It's a toilet spinning around in negativity.

What are you doing, dude?

Trying to pull a hair out of my pimple.

That's how you express fandom of something is by destroying the person you're a fan of's life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I do.

It's like when people tried to get child protective services to take away Lewis's kid.

They did?

Like, as a bit.

That's a bit.

Holy shit.

The greatest bit you could do.

That is actually a great bit.

Yeah.

No, dude, being a radio man fucking rules.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

Absolutely.

That's why I wear a weight vest everywhere I go.

So I know what one day they'll take all my money away.

But you know what?

I'll take away this vest, and I'll be free.

You'll be so fucking delighted.

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby.

You got to rub me your right way.

You got to suck me the the right way.

What was that about?

Making her come?

Yeah.

Yes.

It's like her clit is the bottom of the bottom.

You gotta rub my clit the proper way.

That sounds like a good song for tweens.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, girls wearing fucking like thongs and shit that would show.

Yeah.

That was middle school snapping girls' thongs.

That was like the galtails.

Everyone.

I never did that.

Girls respectful.

I was respectful of women, dude.

I would go.

I guess you did.

I would go from class to class and be like, yo, I just want to say right now, I'm a feminist.

And I got so much pussy.

Girls would be like, let me get that sweatsuit off.

Come over here, bowl haircut.

I hope the house keys around your neck don't get in the way of me sucking your dick.

You know, he's coming because he stops quoting The Simpsons for two seconds.

Fuck yeah, dude.

My pride and joy was an alien sweatsuit I had.

It was like, take me to your dreams.

Do you look a green?

No,

it was wholesome, but he, but he looked that way.

That alien.

Take me to your pussy.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

I am from the planet.

Big ass, hard-ass dick.

Is your sister still handicapped, Adam?

She

came over there.

She fucked herself up.

What happened?

Her knee got fucked up.

Oh, no.

She's like shipping around like a disabled person.

Yeah, but like two days later, you have to kill her, and literally couldn't couldn't stand on her leg.

I went to the doctor with her.

You think you're going to have to put her out?

We have an appointment.

She's just like an appointment with

the North.

They break their legs.

Yeah, I mean, it's pretty pathetic that we didn't get her married before she busted the wheel.

Now she's pretty much useless.

How's she going to cook and clean with that north?

I have no idea.

That's what I expect of my wife.

to cook and clean her way through every disability, especially her mental difficulties.

That was my parents' one criticism of my girlfriend when they met her.

Is that she knows how to read?

That she doesn't cook and clean.

They noticed she doesn't cook and clean.

When would she have done that visiting her?

I think she did say that she doesn't cook to my parents.

And I'm like, well,

they're like, we just want to make sure you don't become

Adam.

Maybe she thought they meant like meth.

Yeah, yeah.

No, cooking up that

definition of cook.

But your dad thought she sucked dick okay?

I think my dad was attracted to her.

Adam, you have to let him get into peace.

Primonoctis son.

Damn, somebody's been watching Bravehearts.

Yeah, bro.

I remember Prima Noctis.

Yeah.

Dude, that's made that up for that other day.

Yeah, there's no...

Even back then, that's like crazy fucked up.

Anyone could just fuck your wife on the wedding night.

I mean, I guess you could do that probably.

If you're a lord, you could do whatever you wanted.

Yeah, I wish I was an earl or a duke or a duke of earl.

If you were landed gentry, yeah, yeah, dude.

You had serfs living on your property?

How about pussied gentry?

That's pretty cool.

For the British pimp.

Hello, haws.

Yes.

Come over here, bust it wide open for a real one.

I own

all the slags in East Pussocks.

Each and every one

I'll take notice of and I'll put in my pocket.

It's it, all right, all right.

Let me see that little fat pussy.

Cheerio, governor.

It's so funny as no British person says governor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it is like all of our impressions of it.

Governor.

Everyone always does that.

When Chris told us he was moving, we were just...

Oh, yeah, we just roasted his gas.

All right, lads, when I'm off.

I'll see you later.

Oh, yeah, our British friend got kicked out of America.

Yeah, shout out to Chris Milner.

He got a raw deal from the

green card.

Service or whatever.

You know, maybe you shouldn't be a criminal, man.

Yeah, that's what you want to talk about how hard it is to be a minority in comedy?

Try being a British man.

Yep, that's the hardest.

That's the hardest.

You bomb a couple soap mics, it will kick your ass right out of this fucking house.

Yep.

You know, your podcast doesn't pop off.

You get the boots.

You don't want to know what John Oliver is going to be in the back of the bottom of the page.

All the way back to the Jolly Pop Govna.

Oh, yeah.

John Oliver had to suck so much dick to stick to it.

Dude, John Oliver is HIV positive now from getting a career.

Oh,

not by sin,

the traditional way.

He roasted

sin by

punishment, gay cancer.

By the holy pursuit of monetary gains,

which is smiled upon by the Bible and God.

John Oliver just roasted

Dustin Hoffman in public.

Did he?

Yeah.

He was like.

His real name is Hoffburg.

No.

They're behind it all.

They control the whole media.

Make Dustin Hoffberg again.

About the sexual allegations.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and then people are now posting it and saying this.

This is how men have to act in public.

Right, right, right.

They have to call out anyone's sexual allegations.

Well, then we couldn't be friends with you, Adam, if that was the case.

Listen, I'm the only one that doesn't have allegations out of the three of us.

No, no chance.

Yes, that's true.

Who are mine and Nick's allegations?

Nick's allegation?

I don't even want to get into that because it's an open pending case.

Uh-huh.

Your allegations.

you

saw a woman walk onto the train and you just started barking at her.

That's true.

I make no bouts, but you did a woof woof at her.

Woof!

Woof!

Doggy hungry for pussy.

And I started sniffing her pussy.

You're like, I can't.

Yeah, but actually touch her.

That's what courting is.

You can't sniff a pussy.

That's what courting is, dude.

That's

started making that that sound.

I court women with a series of air horns at different volumes.

That's the kind of bitch I like, is a woman that responds to frequencies.

You know what I'm saying?

Brown sound.

You know, she's out on the severely mentally disabled.

She's looking sexy, you know.

All of a sudden,

you know, and she's like, what's that?

You know, and then she looks over.

She's filled her pants with shit.

Yeah, they're completely filled with shit.

And so she's vulnerable.

You get her vulnerable by duking her pants, by playing brown sound in her ear.

I like that.

I was being serious.

Now you've turned this into some cruel joke about the mentally disabled.

It's not about tricking people into shooting.

I'm saying that there's a sound that makes people put their pants on, dude.

Dude, this show, like, we have to work so hard to fend off this criticism that we're not socialists, that we're not, you know, the leading voice of the left.

Yes.

And then you go and make some crass joke about retards.

How did it say retards?

It's about a sound.

You said it right now.

And you make fun of them

for being absolute mongoloids,

water-headed fucking idiots.

These are not my words.

It's fucked up that you say all those things.

You discredit the hard work we do as activists.

I'm wearing an 85-pound vest.

Do you know who I am?

You're a socialist.

Yeah, so I know what it feels like to have a black man's bone density.

So I'm trying to live the life of a fat, colored individual.

He's like that.

He's running through his, coursing through his black like me.

And you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to leave here, and I'm going to go do crowd work tonight instead of actual material.

He's going to be 17 minutes late for his spot.

I'm going to blow the light completely and pretend like I didn't see it

because I was too busy laughing at my own jokes

so I can know that pain.

That suffering.

And solidify myself as

a generalistimo of the DSA once and for all.

Make a lot of logic.

They're trying to, there's a coup happening in the DSA.

They're trying to come for you, dude?

They're trying to come for me, but your presidency?

Look, dude, I invented socialism.

Uh-huh.

So true.

You will never come for me.

I heard Brandon Wardell, dude.

Oh, is Brandon Wardell stealing that bit now?

I think he did like a couple months ago.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I invented socialism.

That's incredible.

That's wild.

Maybe he will do a pedophile special on his podcast now.

Hopefully.

He'll do like a frantic three episodes in a row where it's all about pedophilia.

Oh, yeah, you know he will.

We got five minutes.

Beautiful.

I got five inches for you, pal.

Oh man, I feel awful.

From this weight vest weighing down on your stomach and crushing my body.

Yeah, it doesn't look very comfortable.

Yeah.

Oh, you do look pretty badass.

All the weight's in the front.

Is it?

Yeah.

Kind of like my dick.

So you can get up.

Kind of like my dick.

I didn't feel the back.

It's just the head.

I got to load something in the back to balance it out.

I can load something into the back.

Oh, that's why you're always falling forwards?

Because your dick is so heavy.

It's so heavy.

And hold on.

Just the top is heavy.

The head?

The middle is not a pith helmet.

The pith helmet.

He doesn't have a helmet, dude.

He's got a beanie.

I do.

He's got a

sock cap.

Yeah, your dick does look like Sam Hyde.

Yeah.

Swollen.

Yeah, covered in acne.

Fucked up pube hair.

Broken glasses.

Broken glasses.

It's racist.

It's very funny, though.

It is a funny

thing.

It's a very funny fucking dick who has been unfairly attacked.

Let's just say Hollywood isn't ready for your dick.

I hate this fucking world.

I hate the world where anybody gives a shit what Sam Hyde's political opinions are, and they can't just let the guy be funny.

Yeah.

That was a funny ass show.

Yeah.

You know what?

It's an even better show?

Charles in Charge.

I didn't like the comedy, but it was going on backstage.

I I love the chemistry that the adult actors obviously had with the children.

Really good chemistry.

So, come on, Dick.

Charles in charge was Scott Bayo.

It was called Charles in Chad, and it was about a man who was inside of a young boy.

What was it?

About a rich guy that adopted kids?

No, that was a different child.

No, Scott Bayo was like...

No, it's a guy that has to be a child.

He's kind of like two and a half men or something, I think.

It's like Who's the Boss?

Yeah.

Who's the Boss might be one of the worst TV shows ever made?

That was

what's his name?

Tony Danza.

Tony Danza.

An Antonio Danza.

Who staffs who does he works on San Jannaro Festival every year?

You go down there, you get a big peekaboo right at Tony Danz's big old mug.

Oh, wow.

But the thing about him is he looks like every other Dago.

So you have no idea.

Well, I saw Tony Danz at the pizza shop in fucking two blocks from here.

Yeah.

And then I also saw him at his bar.

I'll be your Tony Danza.

Danza for money.

Do what you want me to do.

I'll be your Tony Danza.

Suck off your penis with meatballs on both of you.

Well, what are we doing?

Are we getting some food arena after this?

Yeah, let's get food, dude.

I'm starving.

I feel like we should have a riff or something.

Okay.

I want to do

you do a rape joke debate between

a woman who doesn't like rape jokes and then a guy named Pierre from France.

Who's a rapist?

Who's trying to rape her the whole time?

Actual rapist.

Actual rapist.

Did we?

Weren't we going to say that?

Yeah, my name is Pierre Pussy Getting, and I love the rape.

Actually, I don't think there is anything funny about

jokes.

It has more of a way of life for me.

Right, you should not be able to make rape jokes if you do not rape.

It's like how only black men are allowed to say Niger

because they do it.

That makes sense.

Because they act like that.

So that's why they can say it.

But for me, as a rapist, I feel only me should be able to do it.

Yeah, beat that, Lindy.

Weren't we going to do a schedule?

Oh, yeah, where Stav was dressed up as Lindy Lindy, and you were dressed in the middle of the day.

I was at one of the first funny moms.

Yeah, that's back.

That was our Bunny friendship.

Yeah.

Back when I was like, I just drove here very drunk, and I have the best idea.

Yeah, that was going to be so funny.

I was going to eat a bunch of cheeseburgers.

Yeah, you're going to get like 40 cheeseburgers.

You're going to eat them and be like, rapers, raw.

I'm going to do that at the live show.

I love punching down.

Lindy, she's a New York Times op-ed calling this.

Yeah, that's a short.

So she's rich, huh?

She's up.

Are you rich if you're an op-ed?

She's all the way up.

Yeah, dude, they make probably somewhere around $40,000 an article.

What?

What?

I mean, of course not.

How much does that guy, Tom Friedman, he probably makes a lot of money?

Oh, yeah.

He makes a lot of money.

What are some other schemes we can do to get rich?

Start a podcast.

Yeah, you don't think we're already doing that?

I mean, the two biggest scams in the fucking world is Patreon podcast and then voiceover commercial actor.

And I'm in both of those markets.

And regular commercial actor.

Well, nope, the fans took that away from me.

That's because they're good fans.

Dude, I think

I saw my agent, and she would not make eye contact with me.

Are you fired?

I know.

I'm not fired.

They don't fire you.

They just give you any words.

I haven't been sent out on anything in a while.

It could be because the holidays died down, but yeah, I'm assuming that that shit fucking that they are mad.

Gee, I wonder why.

I didn't do anything fucking wrong, man.

No, I know, but they're fucking animals.

Agents don't care about what's right or wrong.

That's true.

They care about money.

The green.

Hey, me too, baby.

The bottom line.

You know what I mean?

How about that money?

I say baby and I make money.

I'm a rich man now.

I have to say, baby.

That's right, baby.

Let me see your car.

Baby, you want to drive a car, baby?

I got a car you can drive right here.

Why don't you come into my trailer, baby?

Yeah.

That's Kevin Spacey.

I'm trying to work on a Kevin Spacey impression.

No, you did it all right.

You can start by sucking off children.

And maybe there's some, you know.

You want to get in my ass, baby?

You want to come in my ass?

You want to be a star, baby, or what?

Yeah, in the context, I would know you're doing him Spacey.

Yeah, but I don't know.

But is he the kind of guy that you can just

do so well?

Yeah, yes.

Everybody can

nobody think somebody can do an impression of somebody until somebody breaks the impression.

And then once the impression's broken, then everybody can do it.

Everyone just takes a template.

If you're the first guy to do a guy,

then

that's the sign of a good impression.

Sort of like that guy did Trump and did the Shyna joke, and then everyone else, like SNL, stole it.

Shyna joins.

Everybody stole that fucking shit.

Well, now he's

people have been doing Donald Trump impressions.

I thought I almost had Michael Shannon one time.

I was on a long road trip, and I was doing Michael Shannon, and I felt like I was nailing it, but there was no one there to witness it.

And anytime I've tried to do it since, people like that doesn't sound like him.

Molly Shannon, huh?

No, Michael Molly.

Superstar.

Michael Shannon.

You smell your armpits and you break into like a fucking table or something.

I'm a weird man.

I'm a weird-looking man.

I have a fish face, and people consider me a serious actor.

That's good.

I don't know what he sounds like.

He sounds like the man that used to fuck your mom every every day.

No, yes.

No, you almost were going into a Cosby there for a second.

No, it's similar.

Because what you'd have to understand is there's only two impressions, you see.

Is you go from one to the other.

I was doing Christopher Lloyd the other day.

Oh, nice.

Oh, yes, yes, that was good.

Yeah.

What was it?

Where we're going?

Marty, where we're going, we won't need condoms.

Because everyone has HAIDS.

If everyone has it, it's like no one has it.

We just go and fuck without condoms and then go back in time and then we won't have AIDS anymore.

And they're both in the hospital.

He's like, I did the math wrong.

Oh, fuck you, dude.

I guess.

That's a good riff.

That's going to have to do it.

All right.

One more time.

The last Funny Moms of the Year is this Monday in New York.

The last New York Funny Moms of the Year is the 11th this Monday.

Yes.

And then the 22nd in D.C.

And I just want to say thanks to all the cumboys that came out the fucking Hilarities.

Shouts out to Hilarities, by the way.

A great fucking club.

Thank you, everyone who came out in Cleveland.

And yeah, come to the live series.

We're going to be doing more touring this upcoming week.

We're getting it all together.

We are going to tour, baby boys and girls.

So

we'll suck you up for that.

Also, I got a little hot animation that I'm never going to finish.

Oh, yeah.

And the web series thing, it's not our fault, is delayed but coming.

I think we'll do it.

Yeah,

good job, Adam, blaming it on somebody else.

Why would you say that?

It's all my fault.

It is all my fault.

You really should.

I spilled water on this.

The shit's coming.

Relax, man.

All right.

We'll probably debut it at the live show, actually.

Damn, dude.

I really want some clam chowder.

It'll be a Christmas present.

I don't want clam.

I got to get clamped.

You ever had clam chowder collection?

Let's get ramen.

Let's get ramen.

Let's go.

ramen.

Yeah.

All right.

Bye, guys.

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Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.

And now you're thinking about grad school?

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