Ep. 81 – Marquis of Queensbury

From Australia to San Francisco, Colin Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the US.

Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom piece that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewels behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullingjewelry.com.

Your ring your way.

Wobble Bongs Dickinson is now united with Luis Roca, creating a client-focused team ready to handle your most complex challenges.

Together, we bring you deep capabilities in areas like IP, corporate transactions, cybersecurity, and litigation.

With over 1,300 attorneys across 37 offices in the US and UK, you've got the benefit of our firm's global reach with the dedication and care of a close partner.

Learn how we can support you at wobblebondydickinson.com.

Well, we had a great bit planned for the beginning of the show, but Adam ruined it.

What?

We actually got that little boy with the messed up head.

Fucked up, yeah, thumbs up.

He's here right now.

We might as well just have that kid that looks like, you know.

Yeah, we said we should be able to share it.

His mom's birth canal was a pile of cinder blocks.

That shit happens.

People get fucked up faces if their mom's pussies are too tight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Interesting.

His parents named him after the worst Batman.

And look what happened.

No.

What?

How dare you?

You're trolling.

No, he's the worst Batman.

Not even me.

That was a cool Batman.

Best Batman?

Christian Bale.

Okay.

Second best Batman, the cartoon one.

The one from the comic book.

That's fair.

Okay.

The original Batman.

Okay.

That's the second one.

Adam West?

No.

No, no, no.

Actual comic Batman.

Oh, oh, oh.

What about animated series?

That one's third.

Damn, I put that over.

Animated series was dope.

Number four is Bat Kid, who turns out also racist.

Really?

People found that out recently.

He beat cancer, and then he beat leukemia,

and now he's beating white genocide.

Wow, we should have let him die.

Interesting.

What if that was the take?

Is that like Bat Kid happens now, and like the whole town comes together, and they're like, wow, we found out that Bat Kid's dad, you know, said Beaner in 1993

at a fucking drive-through in Tallahassee.

They're like, it's time for Bat Kid to die.

And then we execute him.

We shoot him in the head.

We don't even wish to be able to do that.

Chris Brown is like, you know, I just wanted to

wish death on this child, but like the fucking, did you see Chris Brown was like, he rescinded his support of Keaton or whatever?

Good.

Which is like.

You like beat win.

Yeah, I know.

You're like one of the most reprehensible fucking black women.

I know, they're asking.

It stays within his race, you know?

Yeah.

So he sort of has a respect, I guess, in some ways for them for what they do.

I guess.

Which then maybe he should have kept his support.

Yeah.

You know?

Do you ever think of that?

Well, that's he doesn't like Keaton because he knows no matter how hard he punches, he wouldn't be able to fuck his face up anymore than it already is.

That's true.

That's what Chris Brown resents about Keaton.

Is that he reminds him of all of his girlfriends towards the end of a relationship.

Like, damn.

You know?

Fuck.

Yeah.

It's like when you get a really nice dessert at a restaurant and then you take a couple bites and it fucks the whole thing up.

You don't even want to eat it anymore because it's a presentation.

Well, I've never experienced that in my life.

Yeah, you haven't.

But Chris Brown has.

When you take a beautiful woman, you know.

Oh, you're calling eating a couple spoonfuls of dessert.

You're saying that's like hitting a woman a couple of days.

Well, it's a dessert.

It's what you do after sex.

Oh, God.

You bust, right?

The stages of sex.

We all took health classes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Step one, pull down your pants in the middle of the bus.

Step two, insert yourself into a woman's face.

Okay.

Step three, bust.

Step four, a little bit of ice cream sundae.

You know what I'm saying?

Did you fucking just give her

click?

I was trying to do the click with my tongue.

There you go.

There you go.

Okay.

Yeah, just a couple.

So every time you have sex, that's what happens?

Yeah.

There's a man like beating the shit out of a woman on the bus after fucking her face.

And then some boy's crying and the mom's like, son, that's that's just sex.

That's people

who love each other very much.

And that young boy was Keaton.

And then he grew up to explain that situation.

That's just how they fuck in their culture.

And everyone in school's like, that is the most racist shit I've ever heard.

He's like, why would you bully me for being different?

For having a misunderstanding as to to how people fuck in those communities.

In those communities.

I like the idea of Keaton as like the second generation racist where it's like benevolent.

Yeah, they don't know any better.

Yeah, he was raised that way.

No, no, I mean, that's his take on black people.

He doesn't know any better.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, a lot of people were defending.

Like, Patton Oswalt was like, Keaton didn't choose the parents he had.

You know?

Yeah.

It's like, yes, he did.

He was an angel in heaven.

That's right.

That's right.

And him and Colton Burpo were deciding which boy was going to be the racist one with the fucked-up face and which one was going to come back to meet Jesus.

And they chose.

Wow.

You know?

That's true.

If you say he didn't choose, then, well, guess what?

You're not a very good Christian, Patton Oswald.

And that would devastate him if you heard that.

That would ruin his career if people found out.

People found out he wasn't a Christian.

People found out that Pat and Oswald was a non-believing Christian.

Wow.

When's the last time you guys went to a place of worship?

What do you mean, like checkers?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it was checkers rallies.

Yeah.

Parties.

About a year and a half ago.

I got a big Buford.

Big Buford sounds like when you get a blowjob while taking a dump.

That's what it should be.

Instead of a blowjob.

Yeah.

It should be called a Big Big Buford.

That is true, dude.

That's the way a fucking trucker named Buford gets a bit of a drink.

I just got a Big Buford on the bus, aka having sex.

Oh, you also shit

every time.

A nice ice cream Sunday.

Oh, that's part of it, too.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

The vanilla glaze is, I get that.

Going to check chocolate.

I just don't understand fucking.

Why would you bully somebody just for taking a dump in the middle of the bus while fucking a girl's face and then beating that shit out of her?

Just because somebody has sex different than you doesn't give you the right to make their life worse.

Damn.

yeah, that is honestly.

Yeah, I don't support Keaton, but I would support a little kid named Beaton, you know, yeah,

yeah, Skeeton, Skeeton and Beaton, Skeet Brothers, yeah,

they both beat off, dude.

That's a wholesome family,

Skeeton.

Get in here, Skeeton.

Tell them.

Are you not beating off?

Skeeton, tell them what happened in the cafeteria.

They poured a bunch of cum on my head.

What'd they say about your nose?

They said it looks like a dick.

Oh, yeah, Skeeton and Beaton both have like gonzo noses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's not my fault that I had my dick surgically removed and placed in where my nose should have been when I was born, and then I had a second dick grafted on to my original dick area instead of the more reasonable surgery of just adding the second dick directly to my face and leaving my normal dick as it was.

Because people have different lifestyles, and you shouldn't bully them for getting the wrong kind of dick face surgery.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

I hate when that happens to me.

When I have the wrong kind of dick surgery.

Yeah.

You got a dick and small and thing?

Yeah, it was too fucking fat and big as hell.

I hate when that happens.

And they went down a couple notches.

I don't understand the point of this anti-bullying thing.

Because it's like, you know, the complaint was,

she was like, what did they say about you?

And she said, don't you say my nose looks stupid?

And he's like, well,

it does.

I don't know what to fucking tell you.

You know, I mean, like, it does.

Right.

You're going to have to get used to that, Keaton.

That's something you're going to have to fucking.

You're a particularly ugly person.

Yeah.

You know?

He looks ridiculous.

All of us have fucking problems.

Sure.

Right.

It's not like

I've never understood that impulse of being like, people shouldn't be able to say this thing.

Well, that's what's also weird about the movie.

Who's become very rich and secretly find ways to prevent those people from having a career?

Absolutely.

Yes, 100%.

Have an enemy, destroy their lives.

Yes.

He'll never have spite adult.

Exactly.

He'll never have spite as a motivator.

Yeah.

Take it out on

a bunch of people.

Kill a homeless person.

That's right.

No one's ever going to miss him.

No one's going to find out.

You think the cops give a shit?

No, you're helping.

You did them a favor.

You're helping.

That's one less call in a couple weeks about someone shitting in a panara bread that you did for them.

You know what I mean?

It's one less call about someone going to checkers.

You know what I mean?

Getting a view for.

Also, are you supposed to tell me that someone's mom can videotape them crying?

Yeah, this is the thing.

And he put it on the internet, and we're not supposed to make fun of them for that.

Right.

Also, that is the most embarrassing thing in the internet.

You're actually gayer than us.

No.

Keenan is lower than me.

No, I reject that.

All the black kids at school make fun of me, and there's just this one faggot named Adam.

All I have is he's the only person I could bully.

I just wish, I wish there were more people like Adam, so I wouldn't have to be the biggest faggot at my school.

Keaton, stop it.

Please.

If we just had maybe two Adams that I could call bug faggots.

How many Adams do you need, Keaton?

I don't know.

Maybe Ellen could help.

Maybe we could go on Ellen and she could demand that they clone Adam so I can say faggot to two people.

Yeah, I didn't actually watch the video at all.

Of him crying?

Yeah, I didn't.

It's stupid.

I mean, the best thing to come out of that is that guy that's like, I'm Delaney Walker.

I'm a tight end for the Tennessee.

Tennessee tight ends.

First of all, I wanted to read you this poem by Buddha.

Always, always stay positive.

And if you remember that, and it's like, that's not a poem, it's a statement.

By Buddha.

And then he goes, yeah, right.

A poem by Buddha.

By Buddha.

Noted poets.

Right.

He goes, I'm sorry that bullying has been taking place at your school.

Which is like, that's the answer to bullying is just become much bigger than other people.

Become a big-ass athlete.

Beat the shit out of people.

That's what animals do.

You know, I mean,

look at all the other apes.

They all look like they have Down syndrome, and they got tired of being made fun of for it.

So they became very strong.

You know?

Interesting.

That's what the new War of the Planet of the Apes is about.

It's about retarded apes.

I guess.

Take something like that.

It's about Mark Wahlberg teaching bullies how to stand up to other bullies.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We should have a bully Olympics.

I want to figure out who the bully was.

Who's the best bully?

The best bully?

Dylan Kleebold.

Who was that?

The Colin Biden kid.

No, that wasn't a good bully.

He wasn't that good.

He was kind of a bitch.

No, neither of them were.

They were like popular kids that were just

popular?

Yeah, they were like

alternative, but they weren't like.

I mean, they weren't like.

Nick's like, that's the kind of guy that's cool.

Everyone's, those guys are cool.

I mean, they were.

The idea that they were like social outcasts that people didn't like is just bullshit cooked up after the shooting.

Because they were listening to Marilyn Manson.

How people deal with the fact that relatively normal kids can sometimes shoot up a fucking school.

Right, right, right.

Or have an impulse to do it their whole life.

You know what it was.

Without the dangerous influences of Islam.

You know what it was?

It was Accutane.

Oh, it made them go crazy?

Yeah,

they were on the same acne medication I was on in high school.

What's the most violent thing?

I didn't shoot up at school, which makes me a hero.

What's the most violent thing you ever did in high school?

Most violent thing?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Nothing really.

I didn't get any shit out of anyone?

No, I could.

I mean, I wasn't.

Puberty really settled in around 18 for me.

Adam's vagina fighting unsealed.

My pussy dropped when I was.

Adam finally got some big-ass lips on that pussy.

I don't know how the pussy changes.

Does it get like

a mask?

Just raising my hand in health class.

Mr.

Mullen, again, there's no such thing as an 11th-year senior.

Second of all, please stop asking that question.

This is geometry.

Yeah, I red-shirted my first 11 years.

Yeah, fully grown adult here.

I've had sex

probably about like 12 times since I was supposed to graduate high school.

But one question I've been wondering from an intellectual standpoint is what kind of changes do the pussy do during puberty.

If any girls would like to demonstrate, if any of you maybe have not hit puberty yet, you would like to show off your pussy in front of the class for us.

What do you mean I'm not the teacher and I'm not allowed to say things like that?

Well, a dick just goes from being like little and hairless to fucking bigger and hairy.

So I figure that's...

Well, I actually had the opposite.

My dick went from being hairy.

I had pubes when I was born, and then they all fell out.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Wow.

That's the prophecy.

That's the next king of America.

Yeah, yeah, you're the chosen one.

That's the next king of America.

If he has fucking pubes like George Washington's wig when he's born, and they fall out.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

And they fall out.

And fucking George Washington and all those guys, they had ivory pubes.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Because their pubes would fall out because they didn't clean them.

So they had to get elephant pubes shipped in from

Dark Africa.

The dark continent.

Black Africa.

Dark ass Africa.

That's what they used to call it back then.

Yeah, the heart of darkness.

Is that a book, Adam?

A book that I never read.

Yeah, let's hear more about books.

I read it.

It was pretty good.

Everybody's read it.

Yeah.

I didn't read it.

I know it's a book.

It's a good book.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do.

It's about Apocalypse Now.

Yeah, it's about Marlon Brando.

Marlon Brando's autobiography.

That's pretty much the extent of what I know about that book, is the movie.

Yeah, I mean, I read it.

I don't fucking remember.

I remember it was like...

How about a movie where

an army guy goes crazy trying to get his dick sucked, and it's called Aparalipse Now.

Aparalyps Now, yeah, that's good.

You know, yeah, he goes native.

Yeah, he

keeps getting his dick sucked by the natives.

Yeah, yeah.

He makes a fucking whole tribe about him getting his dick sucked.

Why are we a war here when we could just be getting our dick sucks by him?

He basically did that.

He went to Tahiti, and he was like, I'm going to rape all of these people.

Right, right, right.

But I'm going to to say I care about Indians, so it's cool.

This chill that I'm doing.

Oh, Branda.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I remember in sociology in college, there was like a, or maybe I'm making this up, but there was like a tribe where it was like customary for little boys to suck grown men's dicks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that was like the fucking, that's like how you showed that you're friends.

And like these little kids kept trying to suck the like

the sociologist cop.

It must have been an awkward situation.

My dad told me there was a tribe in South Africa that the little boys used to walk around, like hold, instead of holding hands, they'd hold penises.

Oh, wow.

Your dad's favorite tribe?

Which is really cute.

Yeah, it is really cute.

He was working on a documentary.

Oh, yeah.

He was definitely shooting.

Watching it, documentary.

No, like, when he was in college during the summers, he'd work on documentary shoots.

Yeah, yeah, documentaries.

Yeah, documentaries, you know, the kind of.

Legally, if you call them documentaries, it was just two African boys getting fucked.

You can say that it's part of their tribal heritage.

Isn't that what they used to do with porn?

They used to, like.

I would look at National Geographic as a kid and be like, fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, I do.

You know how many left to all

long tribal titties I've beat off to?

Right.

Yeah, dude.

I've jacked off to the title.

It looks like she's wearing overalls.

This is hot.

There was some good.

So your hand over the part where she has a disc going through her lip.

No, I don't because I appreciate all cultures.

Yeah.

Fucking racist.

I I like bottom.

Oh, you can't.

You can't jag on the bottom.

I'll just pretend she's at a cool nightclub and we're both into the matrix, you know?

Yeah.

Let's pretend they're industrial women.

That's my thing.

If you're an industrial girl, hit me up, you know?

Yeah.

Ramstein.

If you're a woman in her early 40s who still listens to hard-style technology.

Right?

No, not that.

Isn't that what it's like?

No, that sounds like a train and someone being raped.

Yeah.

Right, some shit like that?

No, Ramstein was Juhaast.

It was

yeah, that's basically what I was just doing.

No, it's different.

It's almost exactly what I was doing.

You were doing like a jungle kind of thing.

No, I wasn't.

Instead of doing

it,

poo-ass.

Wow.

Pooh ass dick.

I think we got a number one gold record right there.

Thanks.

Another thing I used to beat off to was there there was a Greek magazine called The Mailman, is what it translated to.

Yeah, you used to check off.

Otajidromo's for a moment.

No, no, no, no, no.

It was never mailmen.

Exactly.

Literally your girlfriend.

It was never men.

For whatever reason, that's just what it was called.

Greek magazines let you show titties.

Yeah, yeah.

Like

glamour marks.

Exactly.

And it would be like advertisements for like toast or some.

Yeah.

And it would just be titties.

In England, like on the second page of the regular newspaper, like girls tits out.

Yeah, it was awesome.

So shouts out to the Takidromo for it came with, it was like the magazine of the Greek newspaper that my dad used to get before he just stopped reading.

And so shouts out to them for helping me beat off.

I still jack off to my first blowjob from time to time.

To just remembering it.

Wow, to having sex with a child, huh?

No.

I was a child.

Wow.

Used to think about a little girl's mouth sucking in a dick.

From a newborn.

No, she was actually older, dude.

She was 18.

I was 16.

Oh.

Yeah, so

check and mate.

So you think about a 16 year old boy.

You ever go to the documents?

You think about a 16-year-old boy.

Here it is.

Here's the record.

Oh, yeah.

Yep, it was a little boy.

Sorry, Adam.

But the documents don't lie.

Either way, you're thinking of a fish.

I'm so glad we got this five-year-old.

Did you go through the micro fiche?

Yeah, yeah.

I went through the micro fiche.

Look at your dick.

Is this what it smells like?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's smells

like a fish.

Little sardine-ass dick.

No,

because it's rotting.

Fish smells.

Because it's rotting and you have a small infection.

You've been sucking your own dick, is what you mean to say.

Yeah.

Your mouth, which is also a vagina.

That's right.

If your mouth was a vagina, would you not try to suck your own dick?

I mean, my mouth isn't a vagina, and I still suck my own dick.

Well, okay.

I've told you, I've been off the hand-beating-off system for

like a year.

I've been living off my own cum.

It's not as gross if it comes fresh from the tap.

That's right.

A lot of the reason why people don't like the taste of cum is because it's on your hand first, which is kind of gross.

You can want to eat anything after it.

Just like how milk tastes better if you're sucking it from the other.

Doesn't it taste really good?

Well, I actually, I got a little funnel that I put in my dick hole, and I pour a gallon of milk in there.

Mark Ripito came up with this.

Yeah, starting straight.

That's why you squat is to increase your hip mobility.

And when your hip mobility is good, you can stick your own dick in your mouth and suck milk out of

your own penis.

And this is what we refer to as the fundamentals of strength.

Dave, imagine having just balls full of milk.

Just fucking big ass, like volleyball-sized nuts

full of milk, dude.

That would be hilarious.

That would be really funny.

Like a clown's

flower that shoots celts or whatever.

You could just shoot milk out of your dick.

At your friends.

You know how much I would love to be able to pull my cock out, press a little button, and just spray out your face.

You'd squeeze one of the nuts, and then it'd spray out of the front.

I would love to just be able to piss on people and get away with it.

Yeah, I guess that's what we're talking about, basically.

Don't people that get sex changes have a nut that is a pump?

Yeah, they do.

Oh, that sounds awesome.

Some of them.

I mean, because with falloplasty, it's not like one uniform surgery.

You know, there's like different doctors that are like, if I had to make a fake dick, how would I do it?

And they all have different methods.

Oh, that's different styles.

Yeah, that's what medicine is.

It's weird because people forget that any kind of surgery, like it's not like,

you know, it's like human beings weren't engineered.

It's an abomination against God.

It was surgery.

Human beings weren't

engineered.

So it's not like a car where if a part's broken, there's one way to fix that part.

It's like there's

different methods that people try, and there's one that seems to be like the best.

So, for something

as nascent as making a penis out of a vagina, it's like one guy's like, all right, well, we're going to cut the foot off and

roll it up like a born.

You're going to make a necklace out of toes.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You just got to get some.

There's all kinds of different ways, you know?

You use a horse hair.

Ooh, what about a horse dick?

That would be cool.

Yo, a big-ass horse dick.

Has you seen a horse?

It's got fucking spots on it.

Like a nice white with chocolate spots.

I would love a horse dick.

A small horse's dick.

Yeah.

You can't have a big-ass horse dick.

Horse's dicks are so scary.

I know.

That's why you got to find a little ass horse.

Like a toy post.

I get fucked in the ass.

He died, right?

Yeah.

The horse gets in his ass, and then the horse goes all the way in his ass.

And the guy's like, ooh,

you know.

Oh, no.

Basically, like, tore all of his organs.

You imagine your kids watching that video.

Because wasn't he like

a horse fucker?

And they're like, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's musical guest Ramstein

to death by a horse they're like

he wasn't a good father in life but in death he's been so much worse

why did he why did he put this in his will that we have to watch him get fucked by a horse to death at his funeral

here at Checkers

can you imagine that your dad dies and then like millions of people watch the video of how he died and it was getting just absolutely railed by a horse?

That would be pretty funny.

You're right, I guess.

Yeah, I don't think that guy was a father.

I think he was.

No, he wasn't.

I'm pretty sure he was, man.

And that's because I said it just 30 seconds ago.

Was he?

Where was it?

Like Oregon or Washington, right?

Yeah, it was in Las Vegas somewhere.

I'm trying to remember the guy's name.

Yeah.

I think it was

Crocodile Friedland

Freedland.

Damn it.

Ooh.

Kangaroo Friedland.

Kangaroo Freedland.

Yeah, there's a video of Adam.

Getting fucked by a kangaroo.

Pull up T-Fah.

Too far.

It starts as one of those fighting a kangaroo videos where the kangaroo beats him up so bad he starts raping him.

Your mom's like,

Richard, please don't do this.

And he's like, he won Parent square.

There's a code.

I leave my code.

He's sucking off the kangaroo to get him hard.

Oh, damn, dude.

Is it going to be funny when your parents finally discover this show?

They couldn't understand.

They tried listening.

They couldn't understand it.

My God.

Yeah, this clip in particular

makes no sense.

Kangaroo, wrong country.

Yeah, he fought and lost to a kangaroo, and then he fucking sucked him off and fought.

Yeah, the Marquis of Queensbury rules.

You lose to the kangaroo.

You gotta fuck it.

Fuck yeah, dude.

That's what combat is.

That's gentlemen's combat.

That's Circle Life.

That's the scene in the new upcoming live-action Lion King.

Is it live-action?

It is?

We've talked about this.

I don't think it is.

How would they do that?

I think it's going to be CC.

Like on Broadway?

Yeah, but then why not just fucking watch Broadway?

You know what I mean?

Well, it's a movie, so everyone can watch it.

You know, in Broadway, the genie's not even fucking blue.

Aladdin.

He's fucking blue.

Some regular guy.

Some piece of shit black.

Why didn't you say that?

I didn't say all that.

Stop, what?

Stop is complaining about the race of the genie.

It should be blue.

Put him in blue man fucking group makeup.

What the fuck?

Is he a wisecracker?

So what?

You want them to cast a dead Indian?

Yes.

I guess.

Is that what Ogenie is?

No.

No, Stav wants me.

I'm trying to think of who.

Stav wants a real genie.

No, Blue Man group makeup.

Oh.

Dip him in that shit.

And actually, it should just be Robin Williams' corpse.

Mm-hmm.

He hung himself, so you know he's actually blue.

Yeah.

What if he's like, ooh, what if I could look like the genie?

Like a marionette?

Yeah.

You just have his corpse.

He's already got strings on him.

Oh, you got one string.

He turned it up.

He's saving money.

The main string is there.

He threw a blue puppet

so that

he could play the genie in the live-action Broadway.

Did you guys see that movie he made before he died?

World's Greatest Dad?

Is that the one where he shoots people?

No, he plays an Australian guy that suffers.

No, he plays a dad whose son dies from autoerotic asphyxiation.

So he plays an Australian guy who sucks off the animal.

Do they say what the son was thinking about?

Yeah.

He was like trying to jack off to porn and then he finally died.

I don't know.

Wait, is this real?

It's a real movie.

So you think this is like a Joker situation where the movie The Role killed him?

Yeah.

Maybe.

For sure.

He just

so you think he was trying to beat off?

No, he got diagnosed with Parkinson's and he was like, fuck this.

I don't want to live with that show.

Really?

So you don't think.

And he had depression.

So just to be clear, you don't think

that's a good thing.

I want to have Markinson's disease.

Like Mark Wahlberg, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

You get uncontrollably jacked and pissed.

But if you're talking about 9-11, it would have gone different.

Yeah.

I got the rock now.

Do you think Mark Wahlberg could have prevented 9-11 for real?

Of course.

100%.

Yeah.

People are just mad at him for saying that because they know it's true.

Right.

Would have been a good-ass movie, too.

Yeah.

Damn.

He would have become the president of the United States.

If I go back in time, what I would do is give him a strap a GoPro to his head, give him a couple of box cutters.

I don't know if they had even technology in 2001.

We'd bring it back with us.

We'd find it.

Yeah.

And give him a couple box cutters to eat.

God damn it.

Can you imagine having to go back to 2000 and you just don't have access to a GoPro?

You don't have a smartphone.

How much that would suck?

In a world where we can't just carry around a camera on our head all the time.

And watch shitty, weird, like, shaky-ass videos.

Watch someone else ride a bicycle.

Watch some 40-year-old banker that's destroyed people's lives ride around Denver on his fucking bicycle.

Can you imagine having to live in that world without that technology?

They send us back to fucking stop 9-11 when we're so sad that we don't have GoPros.

Thank God, I have my GoPro.

That's right.

My invaluable GoPro that I could never live without.

I eat tape every day.

Yeah.

GoPro?

Making breakfast.

Just to have a record.

Kind of like police have body cams.

That's what I do.

Did you watch the court ordered?

No.

That shooting in Mesa, Arizona?

No, which one?

Oh, my God, dude.

They just straight up execute a guy.

Oh, my God.

That was horrible.

I didn't like that.

The one that Felix called a pussy?

That cop?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

He had a gun that said, you're fucked.

On the gun?

Yeah, it was like inscribed.

Oh, my God.

He probably has some chill views towards black people, I would guess, also.

Yeah, but he killed a white guy, so it's.

I know.

I mean, he's a murderer.

I don't care if he's racist or not, you know?

That's the thing right now.

What I'm saying is, this is the kind of guy that, yeah, of course, he's a murderer.

Who knows?

He's probably fucking, I mean, would you be surprised if he's killed other people?

Probably not.

I mean, like, cops fucking

they can cover that shit all the time.

Yeah, but he didn't, like, secretly murder.

Like, there would be a record of it.

There's always a record of, like, a police-involved shooting.

Yeah, I guess.

It's not like he's going around just shooting people all day long, and they're like, ah, damn.

They found out about this shit.

It's like a guy taking people's lunches.

It's like, there keeps being shootings around this precinct.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a fucking horrible person, and he'll probably get away with it, right?

You think?

The Walter Scott guy just got in trouble.

I feel like the first cop that killed a guy was a little bit more.

That guy shot a guy in the back and lied about it.

Yeah, he did.

He lied about it.

There's a question about

the racial aspect of it that people are asking.

And it's like, I don't really know.

It doesn't matter.

He killed it.

It does.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

But,

I mean, a part of me was like, thank God it wasn't a black guy.

You know?

Because that would have been.

How horrific that would be.

Because that one's like so much worse than the Philandro Castile one.

Yeah, it is.

But they straight up murdered that.

I mean, they did the same thing with Philando.

The guy wasn't the biggest dickhead about it.

Yeah, they did.

That's the only difference.

No, the Philando one, you don't, it starts off and he's already shot.

Right, that's true.

So you don't know.

That's true.

That's true.

You don't know what happened.

I mean, I agree that they murdered him.

Absolutely.

That event, like, it tells you everything you need to know about the fucking NRA because they

everybody's, there's two sides to every story.

Yeah, why wouldn't they go to bat for like a licensed concealed carry guy?

Because he's black.

Again, that's like

all you fucking need to know about that organization.

That and

N does not stand for what I thought it did.

I made that mistake, and it's like, well, is it really that racist of me considering their track record?

That's right, yeah, yeah.

You know, I know I do that with every organization that has an N in the name.

Yeah, you don't even want to know

what I thought Nintendo stood for.

Why do you think Nick's not allowed on the NBA podcast, guys?

Yeah, why you know why, because of what he thinks the N stands for.

Yeah, it's NBA stands for Nick's Black Association.

I thought he was talking about his own name this whole time.

Oh, yeah,

Nick's Black Association,

stealing

Next black associations?

It's just what you associate.

The things you associate with black people.

Oh, fuck, man.

Well,

you know,

we haven't discussed.

It's our baby boy's birthday teacher.

Yeah, I'm going to say the NAACP.

It's the NNNCP.

You know?

N N.

Colored people?

Yeah, yeah.

NW.

I'm not going to tell you what it stands for, but maybe some of the smarter audience members can figure it out.

Nice,

necessary,

not bad

colored people.

I'm just giving us some cover.

Yeah.

Just giving us some cover here.

It's

Nick's 29th birthday today, everyone.

How does it feel?

From all the fans to you, Nick,

many happy returns.

Do you speak for all the fans?

They asked me to say that Ernest is throwing up underneath the couch.

It's for your birthday.

Yeah.

That's a little present for you.

There he goes.

Oh, come on, Ernest.

It sounds weird this time.

It sounds fucked up.

He loves throwing up, dude.

Yeah.

He's such a good boy.

We should kill him.

He's such a good boy.

We should put him out of his misery.

I feel good for him doing the things that he likes.

You think throwing up is what he likes to do?

I bet you it's fucking pain.

I don't think Ernest does anything he doesn't like doing.

I think he's just trapped in his fucked-up body, dude.

Yeah.

So you're saying he's trans?

He's trans, yeah.

Yeah.

How do you know if your pet has body dysmorphia?

Oh, what the fuck was that sound?

Dysphoria.

He was like, yeah.

That sounded like a guy crying, dude.

Yo, what if Ernest is about to turn back into the man he was?

Those are the sounds that Ernest makes.

Yeah.

A man crying, a grown man crying.

Yeah.

What should we do tonight?

We're going to Dave and Busters or what?

Oh, I got some Dave and Busters for you.

My cock.

Wow, Selma

Hayek, right?

Oh, Harvey Weinstein, yes.

Wait, they spelled her name Salma.

That's her name.

It's not Selma.

No, that's the place where MLK is.

I know.

Have I just not known her name for like 30 years?

Yeah, dude.

How did you beat off to her?

I don't know.

I didn't read.

I don't read while I jack off.

Well, how did you even Google?

Are you

a college professor?

Yeah, I am.

What are you?

Some kind of

college guy?

I just saw that movie,

Cruel Intentions, and the black guy in the movie says to Selma Blair's character, he's like, I'm writing a musical right now on Martin Luther King.

And Selma Blair turns to him and she says, he's my favorite.

Yo, you know what?

I just watched?

Behind the candelabra.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I love that.

Yeah, with my mom, dude.

dude.

My mom came to the basement.

Was his name Chris?

The lover?

Yeah, I guess.

I don't remember.

What's the lover?

He was Damon.

Yeah, yeah, but what...

I don't remember.

I think Chris, but I don't remember.

Oh, shit.

I was fucking high as shit.

Liberace invented libertarianism, right?

Yeah, he did.

He's like, stay out of my bedroom.

He's actually Ron Paul.

Stay out of my wallet.

He's Ron Paul's dad.

It's Ron Paul.

It's Liberace Paul, Ron Paul, Rand Paul.

Yeah, he was stunned.

Dude, he was coming through with like big-ass minks and like

Bentleys and shit.

He fucking ruled.

And he was

getting boys plastic surgery to look like him.

To look like him.

Imagine wanting to fuck.

I wish I was a big, fancy gay instead of a self-loathing closeted one.

That would be so cool.

A lot nicer.

Well, he was self-loathing and closeted.

He never admitted he was gay, and he died of AIDS.

And he liked the and he.

Well, I mean, he was super gay.

He was gay as hell, but he just never publicly said he was gay.

Right.

And he would sue newspapers that said he was gay.

And he, like, uh, he, his, he also hated, thought all gay people were going to hell except him.

He said he had a vision that God came down to him, and because he was so good at playing piano, he was getting into heaven.

Like, there's a program if you're an exceptional gay guy.

I guess God needed a guy with AIDS who's really good at piano.

That's the thing about heaven.

You bring the AIDS with you.

The two gay guys that got past us were Liberace and Roy Cohn.

All fags go to Heaven.

Starring Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLouise.

I do love Dom.

Dom De Louise.

Yeah, he's great.

Playing Itchy in that movie.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yep.

He was probably my first fat inspiration.

My life has been a inspiration.

Not Chris Farley?

No, he was before Chris Farley.

Dom DeLouise was one of your heroes.

As a fat child, yeah, no joke.

Once I realized.

When did you even know Dom De Louise Louise was?

All dogs go to heaven.

But he's not

like a wiener dog.

He's into some other shit, dude.

I was very aware of Dom DeLuise as a little kid.

A Mel Brooks movie.

Were they Chris Farley?

Chris Farley was later.

I'm telling you, Dom DeLoise was the first one.

Chris Farley was the first fat guy where I was like, wow, it's cool to be fat.

And I have very fat memories attached to Chris Farley because my mom was a waitress at a Greek restaurant, Icarus.

And on Saturday nights, if I waited long enough, she would bring trays of leftover fried calamari.

And you'd watch SNL.

And I would watch SNL and eat fucking fried.

Damn, should we get calamari for your birthday, Nick?

No.

You wanted seafood recently.

Do you want to get some seafood?

Yeah, I don't know what we should do.

Let's get a fat dicked lunch.

Big dicked lunch.

Maybe.

With our cocks hanging out.

Yeah, I got errands to run today.

I might postpone shit till the weekend.

Bitch.

Let's go to Peter Luzer's steaks house.

Yeah, we should get steaks.

Why should we get steaks?

To celebrate

our success.

I got shit I got to do today.

I'm sorry.

All right, fuck it.

We got business moves we got to make sure that's what at 3:30.

Two of you are mongoloids.

I can get in.

I'm not going to do that.

Okay, first of all, do not use that word.

Oh, yeah.

Who got trouble?

Do not use that word word.

Who got in trouble for that?

Felix.

Oh, really?

And someone else said it recently.

Mongoloid's funny, dude.

What the fuck?

Who got mad at Felix for saying mongoloid?

He called

the murder cop a mongoloid.

Oh, my fucking god.

Like, excuse me.

Oh my god.

Wow, really?

There's no place on the web for people who talk like this.

I am the president of the DSA's Being Retarded Committee.

I won the election by guessing the correct amount of jelly beans.

And now I demand that Felix step down

from Chapo Raphaels.

From Chapo Web House.

From Chapo Web House.

One of these days I'm going to say.

Mark my words.

Damn, dude.

You can't even call a murderer a mongoloid anymore.

Yeah, it's offensive to Arthur.

What are we going to do next?

Cancel Devo?

You know?

Yeah.

Get rid of the Devo show?

Yeah, exactly.

Get rid of the annual DSA Devo show just because of a word.

That's right.

He's a...

Where has that song go?

Mongoloid.

Not even close.

Yeah, that's it.

He's a mongoloid.

Y'all know that Devo song.

You know that mongoloid song about the lip check?

Mongoloid good.

Mongoloid.

It's every Devo song.

Win.

Mo-da-da-da.

Mongoloid.

I don't know any other demos.

Weird dress like science guys.

Yeah.

They're cool, man.

Mongolord is a manga lord place where we're every fucking late new wave song, you know.

Those are the only two I know.

You know, you know what I mean?

Mongaloys.

The B52s and the Dead Kennedys are the same bands.

Yeah, we've talked about it.

Yeah, Jell-O has the same voice as that guy.

You know, he named himself after Bill Cosby because he loves rape.

Yeah, it's true.

Jell-O.

Yes.

Umber Allis.

Fuck, what was Dom DeLuising that I remember as a child?

Shut up.

I love that you don't know.

You were just aware of a fat

man who had a calculation.

I think my name is Matthew.

I think my dad was making fun of me for being fat and a call Dom DeLuise.

Tom De Louise now.

My dad's not fat.

Although he was fat.

He is kind of fat now, right?

He was fat.

He had a heart attack.

Then he lost a bunch of weight and started getting his dick sucked, getting some strange in the wood shop.

Oh, no.

Oh, so that joke you do is a lie that he didn't get his life back together.

No, that is the joke.

Well, he got in shape.

Right, he did the opposite of getting his life together.

He just fucking.

Well, he started cheating because he got in shape, which is like, I mean, look, I can't blame him.

I wouldn't want to be married to your mom either.

Hey, whoa, whoa, brother.

My mom's a wonderful, caring woman.

You know,

would you fuck your mom?

If I was

right now, would you fuck your mom?

Yeah.

Hmm.

That's interesting.

I would not, but if you're not.

Why can you blame your father?

Okay.

Because she's my mother.

Nick, would you fuck your mom?

That doesn't make any sense.

Would you fuck your mom?

No, but my mom doesn't fuck anybody.

Adam, would you fuck your mom?

Absolutely.

Okay, I would also then.

We would all fuck Adam's mom.

We need to find a cure.

That's the first step.

Try now.

Just try it.

I don't know if it's going to work, but try it.

Lorenzo's Oil.

The first cure he tries is fucking his son.

I really remember that movie a lot as a child, too, for whatever reason.

I watched it a bunch.

Isn't that, who's in that?

Richard Busey?

Richard Busey Busey?

No, no, the other guy that looks like a handsomer Gary Busey.

Nick Nolte?

Nick Nolte.

Right?

He's in Lorenzo's oil, isn't he?

How about Dick Salty?

You know?

He's a rapist pirate.

R

word.

R-A-P.

Dick Salty, baby.

Dick Salty.

There you go.

That's the character for the show.

R.

Me love to rape.

Don't say the R word.

Don't say it.

I'm a retarded partner.

And then I'm the head of the

Caribbean DSA.

Anybody that says the R word isn't allowed any of the rubies that we stole from the natives.

This is what I was saying earlier.

There should be dick communism.

Where if you have a big-ass dick, two inches of it gets sliced off

even to someone with a small.

He split up the pussy for everybody.

Oh, that's also a dead piece of the pussy.

Yes.

Pussy communism and dick communism.

You know, but I'm no, not dick.

Everybody getting their own dick.

Everybody dick stayed the same.

No, no.

Hold on, Slick.

Let's do the

70s communist black girl.

Let's hear what Andre cousins has to say.

Yeah, Andre's Andre's radical cousin.

We just convince all the women to give up the pussy.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Because it's not about wealth inequality.

Because the only reason people care about money is so they can get that pussy.

Woo!

Preach.

If you look at the underlying, you know, tap, I call it tapital.

I call it tapitalism.

Because we're all trying to tap it all.

Oh, tap it all.

You're trying to tap it all.

Das Tapital.

It's a book.

What are you looking for?

Put your fucking.

Stop doing that.

You're distracting me.

Sorry.

The Communist Vagin Bresto.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

And the Pussy and the Titties.

Yeah, the Communist Vagin Bresto.

That's my favorite book, dude.

Yeah.

It's just a bunch of pictures of fucking different titties.

Yeah.

And pussies.

It's going to be great when this, like, communism is cool bullshit dries up in the next year.

Yeah, there's probably a fair amount of people that are just doing it because it's the cool shit to do, right?

I mean, that's literally everybody.

It's both of you guys.

No.

I've never been communist.

You joined the DSA?

Yeah, because I think that shit's good.

But I'm not going to do it.

What shit?

You haven't gone to a single meeting?

You're not doing that?

Yeah, I'll give them some money and support.

That's better than not doing shit.

I give my money to places that I fully understand what they're doing, like PlayStation.

No.

See, that's the problem with the world.

Who gives a lot of money to the charity?

I don't give a lot of money to charity.

Yeah, you do.

No, not comparatively.

Compared to us, you do.

Okay, probably.

I've given to two different people that have stopped me on the streets just because I feel like that's not charity.

Those are homeless people.

No, no, no.

Like where you have to sign up.

I give a lot.

It's tax deductible.

I'm just writing down a guy that smelled like shit.

I feel like a real dummy, but I gave Keaton's mom $10,000.

Oh, yeah, only after I found out she was raised.

Of course, of course, of course.

Like, now you better spend this on swastika tattoos.

Of course.

Is Amnesty International good?

Are they no?

No, they're bad.

Anything with international in the name of that.

God damn it.

Amnesty.

Yeah.

Except the International Truck Company.

International House of Pancakes.

International House of Pancakes.

I give to the International House of Pancakes, too.

I'm into them for like Amnesty and

I've got a tab at IHOP.

Amnesty and International and bad.

I'm Nasty International.

Yeah, good.

What's that?

It's like just a bunch of stuff.

Just to see if I get audited, it would be very funny to put down on my taxes that I gave a million dollars to retarded kids

to deduct everything.

You have evidence?

I don't know where they went.

They all look the same.

I don't know which one we're looking for.

They don't give you receipts.

I have a drawing.

I have a drawing in fucking feces.

Will you take this as a receipt?

I help retarded kids.

So, you know, no one's allowed to criticize me.

Absolutely.

Look, I just think you should be an idiot.

Republicans are winning because idiots get to just, you know, support and not have to think.

And that's what I am.

I'm a very liberal, dumbass motherfucker.

I just know what I believe in, and, you know, other people can figure it out.

I'll give you a little scratch.

You know, let's get some universal health care.

You know, let's get some sexy-ass refugees over here.

I'm starting to think universal health care is a bad idea.

Really?

I want to die, dude.

Yeah, I don't want it for me.

I want to go out quick.

I want to fucking, I want my heart to explode, you know, this year, preferably.

Let's do a bunch of Coke till we have heart attacks.

That'd be perfect.

Get m married to some French African woman.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

You know?

That'd be awesome.

When this ball, like super dark ball.

Oh, yes.

Then no one can say I'm racist because I had her shipped over here to be my wife.

Well, I don't know if I use

that exact terminology.

They're like, we can send her on a plane.

I'm like, it has to be a ship.

No.

A wooden one.

And that shit better have a basement.

Oh, God.

We're going to

get my bitch over here on the side.

Then I write an article about it on the Good Man Project.

I fucking, you know, that website, The Good Man Project?

That's a real thing.

Yeah, it's like how to be a cuck bitch and respect your daughter.

I actually don't even know what it's about.

I've like glanced at it once or twice, but somebody had the display name The Gay Man Project.

That's awesome.

Which is so sad.

Salute.

It's perfect.

You know what it is?

It's an elegant solution.

Absolutely, dude.

I mean,

it's exactly, it's the same beginning letter, you know, just A-Y instead of O-O-D.

You know, that would have been better if instead of the final solution, they came up with an elegant solution to the Jewish question.

Right.

Well, I think Al-Qaeda is working on that right now.

They offer.

Or whatever, whichever one.

They're actually coming back a little bit.

They offer...

$20 any Jew that kills another Jew.

That is an elegant solution.

It would cost less than the Holocaust.

It costs probably $100.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd be left with like four Jews.

Yeah, yeah.

That's bad.

You need comedy writers and guys to make bagels.

Exactly.

So you save like 20.

Yeah.

And that's it.

And that would be an elegant solution.

That would be an elegant solution to the biggest problem of our world.

No, I'm saying back then.

I'm not a problem now.

Wow.

People don't consider that.

I don't know if this is a hack bit, but like, have you ever considered that maybe Hitler killed all the bad Jews?

That's why people are like, How did that happen?

It's like, you didn't know which ones he was talking about.

They got rid of them.

We were left with the good ones.

That is true.

Technically, I'm not sure.

Yeah, you don't know.

You never met them.

I didn't meet them.

That's true.

And, you know, it's really good.

Really, everyone who went off to those camps could have been the one that's like, I'm stealing candy from a baby and no one can stop me.

And all the other ones that are like, can we just write jokes for TV?

Those are the ones that they were like, we'll give these guys a pass pass for a little bit.

Well, we know one of them who died.

We had a diary of one of them who died.

Eli Wazzelle.

No, who fucking lived?

Who was a right?

Who was a red?

He grabbed a red ass.

He grabbed a girl's ass.

So, can we trust anything he ever wrote?

I don't think so.

No, he's not.

Well, you got to consider this, too.

His Anne Frank seems like she was pretty normal or whatever, but she lived in Amsterdam.

Not a single mention of fucking smoking loud.

Big doinks.

So she was probably like the least chill person.

She was very unchill.

Yeah.

I bet you love tattling on people for smoking weed.

And for hiding from the Nazis.

Yeah.

She tattled on herself.

She got caught, right?

Yeah.

That sucks, dude.

She's dead.

Poor Anne.

Poor Ann.

Yeah, Sav,

on the live show on Monday, we were talking about the Diary of Anne Frank, about the part where she feels her own titties, and then Sav got really.

You're like, fuck, I should have read that.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know there was so much beating off in the Diary of Anne Frank.

That's literally the only part I remember.

There was that and then the period when she got her period, which I also thought was hot, dude.

I thought that was sick.

So, how much space did they have to like maneuver around?

It's so funny when you're like, it was like any mention of like sexuality in any context, you're like, I have to jack off

right now.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, damn, my cousin's reading, Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret.

I'm about to beat off.

I got that from the library, and I like then had a bunch of questions for my parents.

And then my mom brought me back to the library and like yelled at them, scolded them, yeah.

my s my son fuck sorry i lost the voice my son will never

learn about women women's pussies

he will only use them as a sexual object

yeah she taught me well dude she taught you just take the pussy she said when when you when you come up on a bitch

you just need to take what's yours

that's what your dad said that's what my mom said oh oh and your mom.

No, my dad actually told me to respect.

My mom told me to respect women.

My dad did not.

I don't remember my parents ever giving me like a gendered talk about anything.

Actually, I never got a sex talk.

I never got any kind of like.

Yeah, my parents were always like, just like, please stop being a piece of shit to everyone.

It was never like, treat women with respect.

It was like,

stop fucking, you know, throwing rocks at other children.

Start there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

If he can ever have an intimate relationship with another human being, that's a win.

Let's not get into women yet.

Yeah, I was a bad.

I'm still a bad guy.

Yeah, but come on.

Some things never change.

Sometimes you meet other bad guys.

Yeah.

You start a podcast with them.

You know?

Become the world's preeminent, you know,

a voice of authority on being a bad guy.

Oh, yeah, that's us, man.

Yeah.

We're all wearing leather fucking jackets on motorcycles right now.

What is the best type of noodle?

Best type of noodle?

I got asked that and stops immediately.

Like, I like.

Yeah, no, I can really get into this.

Personally, I'm really getting into fucking chow fun.

Yeah, that's a good call.

The biggest thing is that I'm a little bit of a Asian to begin with.

Asian for sure, I think.

As much as I love a nice fucking

Italian is a little too heavy, but I like it a lot.

Yeah, I will say a chow fun.

A rice noodle.

I like a rice noodle.

I like a silvery rice noodle.

Thin rice noodle.

I like that.

Like vermicelli?

No, no, no.

That's too thin.

I'm talking flat,

wide, but thin, like chow fun.

A good lome noodle, a good ramen noodle executed correctly.

Delish.

I will take that over pasta.

I don't know.

I've gotten less.

I've gotten away from Italian pasta and Italian noodles in my old age, and I've,

you know, I've migrated towards Asiatic noodles.

Um,

geez, let's see what other kind of noodles are there.

Do do Indians have noodles?

It's mostly rice.

No, no, they don't have a noodle.

They never come back as a noodle if you fuck up.

Oh, shit.

That's the lowest level.

I gotta look at a chart of the whole caste system because I forget.

You know,

it's like the doo-doo people at the bottom, but then underneath them is like cow and then

the monkey and then butterfly.

Oh, shit, really

yeah so if you're in the lowest cast can you fuck a cow no no no that's why cows are sacred because it's like i think cow is like directly under untouchable or maybe they're better than untouchables because you can fuck untouchables yeah but you can't eat them

you just can't touch them i don't think they can eat cows they don't eat cows no

what's at the top the brahma yeah the brahma bull that's that's what the rocks call them so boston guys

mr feeny Is that what Brahmins?

Yeah, what is that?

Boston Brahmins.

That's the type of guy?

It's like a New York.

Well, it's an accent.

And it's an accent.

It's like the old New York guy.

Mr.

Feeney, like that.

Yeah, it's like Mr.

Feeney.

I'm gay.

Yeah.

Mr.

Matthews, come suck me off.

Yeah, that kind of thing.

We did that on the show, the old New York accent guy.

It's like, I'm Tron's now.

Oh, yeah.

I've become Tron's.

Yeah,

everyone says Teddy Roosevelt was like, you know, badasses.

I guess he was, but he talked pretty

much bitch made.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, huh?

No, he had a voice like this.

No, that's what you imagine.

Confusing FDR and Teddy Roosevelt.

No, no, no, no, no.

FDR.

No, no, no.

I know exactly.

In fact, when I listened to Teddy Roosevelt, I thought, wow, this sounds way more like FDR.

Are there recordings of him speaking?

Yeah, that's what did it.

Because everyone assumes he talks like this because he has that mustache and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he looks like the guy from Mythbusters.

But he doesn't, dude.

He was a genius, too.

Who, Teddy?

Yeah.

Yeah, he used to read like two books a day.

That doesn't make you a genius.

That makes you a guy that reads.

All books back then were like fucking pulp books about like fucking.

He's probably reading like shit about like going to Africa and shit and like

you know shooting elephants for ivory.

But he was actually doing that shit.

Yeah, and he was doing it too.

His opinion was that every man should go to war to build characters.

Well, that's what people used to think.

Churchill thought that.

Churchill was a fucking warmonger.

Yeah.

Did Churchill ever go to war?

He seems too fucked up.

But like, it was like, but up until the 20th century, every generation of men was.

Yeah, did go to war, at least a little skirmish.

They were absolutely like pacifists prior to that.

My dad said something to me like that, like, oh, you'll never go to war, so you'll never understand

being a man.

I was like, you never went to war, you fucking pussy.

My dad served in the Greek army.

Yeah, my dad served in the army, too.

But you had to.

You just did basic training and then you went to college.

Yeah.

My dad did basic training and then went back on the streets, baby.

Yeah.

Maybe we should go participate in an armed conflict so we can get maybe that should be the next step for us.

You want to?

Yeah, we'll see if Vice will shoot a documentary series, but instead of journalists, they just straight up give us guns and cocaine.

Okay.

And let us go to Africa to make it better.

Yeah, let's go to Liberia.

Because everyone sort of speaks English then.

Liberia was founded by Liberace, right?

The country where they're successful.

Yeah,

that's the first libertarian republic in Liberia.

The Liberatian Republic of Liberia.

Did you see Mario Vitale got accused of the fight?

Oh, yeah.

He's a sexual.

He actually flew under the radar.

I know.

It's like there's so many now.

You know, there's also theories that David Copperfield's a pedophile.

Damn.

What?

Yeah.

He'll make your hymen disappear.

Basically, anybody who has a private island.

If you have any kind of compound, even.

Doesn't he fuck Claudia Schoffer?

No.

Compounds are for racists, Islands are for pedophiles.

That's true.

I want a compound

on an island.

Uh-oh, double, the rare double.

Is Branson, you think, a pedophile?

Richard Branson.

Yeah, why would you name your company Virgin unless you're like trying to hide?

Well, he said.

I've never had sex incorporated, especially not with children.

Not pedophile hairlines.

Richard, I don't know if we can go with, I don't fuck kids, LLC.

Is there something shorter, maybe, that we could use?

He said that he started that because he was 16 when he started his record company.

Yeah, he had not had that.

That was his first company.

Yeah.

But he definitely fucks kids with Obama when they that's they parished.

Obama, that was his first day after

a little boy's boy pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You didn't see that whole picture.

Obama's first two things he did was go on vacation.

I know, that was brutal.

And then come back and then give a speech to Wall Street.

It's so funny.

It's like everybody's like, you know, Donald Trump drinks 12 Diet Cokes a day.

And it's like,

who cares?

Nobody gives a shit.

That's such a non-issue.

And then, like, also, at the beginning of the Obama administration, we're like, isn't it cool that Obama smokes?

Everyone's like, thought it was great that Obama was like smoking cigarettes on

the patio.

Well, dude, yeah, young, young, cool, youngish, cool black guy smoking cigs over old-ass grandpa drinking

soda pops.

It is very funny.

Cool kids drink soda.

It is very funny.

If you're a kid out there listening to this show, you know, you're 10 years old.

Exactly.

Don't drink water.

Drink

soda.

First of all, you say thank your mom and dad for buying you Come Town Premium.

That's right.

Number one, you're on a great start.

Emotionally.

Now, we're trying to match you physically with what you're doing to yourself psychologically.

Yeah, if a child listens to this show, you might as well just feed them fucking soda and candy and shit straight up.

And we know Christmas is around the corner, so stocking suffers.

if you are a parent, you could get your kids to pay.

You know what you should?

You know, you know what you should get them?

Some stavi baby merch.

I got two t-shirts out there, boys and girls.

Stavi shoppers.

I got a real stocking stuffer right here.

I'm talking about my dick.

Ladies,

let me fuck your shoes.

Let me put you my dick.

We should look for your socks.

Yeah, I'm trying to fuck some socks.

Yeah, but buy my merch.

Yeah, he's a nice guy, but he fucked all my socks.

Did you guys ever beat off into a sock?

That was like a go-to.

You use socks as like fucking

cleaning tools.

I used to work with this guy, heroin addict, junkie, told a story.

He cut a hole in his pocket so he could jack.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But he told me a story one time that when him and his friend were like 13, they would put socks on each other's dicks and jack each other off.

He was like, because it wasn't gay, because we weren't actually touching.

Yeah, and sometimes we put on condoms and fuck each other in the ass.

Yeah, they weren't touching.

You know, it was safe.

We were not touching.

A hazmat suit, but you cut a slit out and pull your dick out in a condom, and it's totally straight.

You cover it in latex.

You think there's like Bioshock fetishists that fuck outside of that little hazmat suit?

It would get so hot inside of one of those.

Yeah.

You're fucking.

It would create a little hapat.

You're not touching skin to skin.

It's just cock into bone.

Yeah, it gets so steamy in there.

Oh, boys, good news.

What?

Patreon has doubled back on their decision to raise prices without asking.

Really?

I knew it.

Damn, swag.

I knew it.

Damn, the dick is big.

Well, congratulations to We Did It, us, for our brave stance that we took.

And Nick's

really good email he wrote, you guys.

Yeah, we messed up.

We're sorry, and we're not rolling out the fees change.

By the way, somebody came to the show the other night and they didn't know that there's a premium feed.

If you listen to the video, we need to start doing a lot of people don't know.

A lot of people don't know.

If you don't know this, we do two episodes a week.

There is another episode that's.

There's twice as much Come Town.

Yeah, that's on, that's on.

You go to patreon.com/slash Come Town, and you can subscribe for $5 a month and get the additional four episodes plus video content.

Well, you can get the whole archive

of premium episodes.

Yeah, so please do that for me.

And then every Sunday night, there's a new premium that comes out.

Yeah.

Also, as an aside, we had our last show in New York of the year.

We're back the 22nd of January.

Thank you.

Great.

Oh, yeah.

Awesome.

Amazing.

Sorry if you didn't get there early enough because I think

we were turned away, and we were very touched by the amount of love and support.

Even that guy that

wasn't like me.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me read this.

Okay.

Creators and patrons.

First of all, I don't want to hear the word creator anymore.

Yeah, that's awful.

I prefer entrepreneur.

I'm only a creative

art trip.

Entrepreneur.

Art trumpeter.

Entrepreneur is what you shall refer to me as.

We heard you loud and clear.

We're not going to roll out the changes to our payment system that we announced last week.

We still have to fix the problems that those changes addressed, but we're going to fix them in a different way, and we're going to work with you to come up with the specifics, as we should have done the first time around.

Many of you lost patrons and you lost income.

No apology will make up for that.

But nevertheless, I'm sorry.

It is our core belief that you should own the relationships with your fans.

These are your businesses and your fans.

You're saying the right shit?

This is all right.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to

just add Lib some extra stuff in here.

I'm gay and I'm an idiot.

I can't believe you'd admit that.

That's grave.

No, that's grave.

I think that's grave.

I think that's great.

I spent hours and hours on the phone with creators, and so has the Patreon team.

Your feedback has been crystal clear.

The new payment system disproportionately impacted $1 to $2 patrons.

We have to build a better system for them.

Aggregation is highly valued, and we underestimated that.

Fundamentally, creators should own the business decisions with their fans, not Patreon.

We overstepped their bounds and injected ourselves into that relationship and social belief as a business.

Yeah, I mean, they're owning up to it.

Yeah, that's great.

That's right.

And they're saying exactly what the fucking problems were.

Trayvon Martin was a thief.

He didn't steal anything.

He was just wearing a hoodie.

I'm just going to scroll past that part.

This may be controversial, but Babe 2 was better than the first.

No, come on.

What's wrong with these dudes?

Yeah, they don't understand.

Tell them to shut.

This is effed out.

Wait while you're ahead, okay?

This is effed out.

This is effed out.

Yep.

This is effed out.

Yo, this is freaking effed out, dude.

Freaking effed.

This is freaking effed, man.

I'm freaking having sex, dude.

Oh, also.

Also,

yeah, guys, probably the only podcast better than ours.

Let's do a plug.

Huh?

Let's plug.

Yeah, we should plug them.

Faking it radio.

There are two guys that I guess are just fans of Baltimore.

Come on.

Don't tell these people the actual name of their show.

Is it too late now?

Yeah, it is too late.

But nobody watches that show.

It's going to have a flood of ass fucking people.

I mean, I don't even know these guys.

I don't either.

I do this shit with Tom Myers.

I've known Tom Myers like 15 years old.

What?

A plug is bad for getting a little traffic?

You'll do them hits.

You know goddamn well that you're just fucking laughing at these guys.

Yeah, because it's funny.

It's funny.

That's like borderline

harassment.

It's called.

There's some guys I don't know.

There's other people that we do that shit.

Yeah, it's called Guys We Fucked.

Go listen to that one.

Well, it's called Two Dope Queens.

The Tom Myers thing I excuse because, again, I've known Tom a long time.

Tom's been doing comedy.

He has like a public persona.

Like, it's very easy to find Tom.

Other people have mentioned Tom before in the context that we have.

Right, right.

I'm not like discovering

like, you know, two people that well, are you going to edit it out or no?

No, I'm not going to edit it out because I'm fucking lazy.

But in the future, like,

just be mindful of

the fact that a lot of people listen to the show and it's not cool to like.

I guess.

Because there's ways around.

If you want, you can make fun of somebody and just be vague about it.

And then, like, the real psychopaths will figure out who the fuck you're talking to.

Right, right, right.

You know, don't just like push.

Just a good.

Yeah.

Don't let it.

It's a bad podcast, it's good,

it's really good, and I love it, but uh,

I guess I, it's, I don't love things for real anymore, I just can only like bad things.

Yeah, I can't like good things, it sucks.

The only good thing I like anymore is the National Basketball Association.

Stop and I went to a bachelor's what it stands for, yeah.

I thought it'd say,

it apes.

Well, gang, we also have a show at fucking in D.C.

on the 22nd.

Big show at the Black Cat.

All three boys will be there.

We'll be having a nice fat show for you.

So please come out to that.

And if it sells well, and even if it doesn't, probably, we'll probably hit the road.

Yeah.

Dude, I'm excited to go on the road.

We got to book it.

I'm loving doing spot heads.

We got to book it, baby.

2018 is is going to be the year of us going out to this beautiful country.

Spothead.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're not going to be able to do it.

I know you're doing

post-sarcoma this time.

A lot of people used to call me Spothead when I let my AIDS get too.

I let my AIDS flare up.

Sometimes I get off prep for a while just to see.

I call it riding the razor's edge.

You know what I mean?

I get my T-cell down, count down like 15.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I've never felt more loved.

Oh, yeah.

I love just getting high off having AIDS.

When there was a prep.

That's why they do it.

That is a prep that we were doing.

Remember we were saying how, what were you saying, Nick?

It's a guy who

takes prep so that he just in case he does some gay shit.

Yeah,

that was the thing I was saying.

Yeah, well, I'll take that shit.

Just in case I'm not going to do that.

Do not say this to me.

Also, I'm in Boston this Saturday, the 16th.

Still some tickets left.

Please come out.

Do you your laugh ball.

The House of Blues.

No, I'm doing the small room at the House of Blues.

Are you headlining?

Yeah.

Damn.

I got to start doing more headlining spots.

Yeah.

I got to build a new hour, though, because I don't.

Well, that's why we should go on tour.

We'll all do like a half hour.

Yeah.

Fuck on my shit.

I'm going to see if somebody will feature me.

For sure.

Thing is, I never went on the road with anybody.

I was just in with clubs.

And I was like, I don't have a relationship with clubs anymore.

Dog, let's just go and send that email.

Well, instead of featuring for someone, let's just go to the three of us.

We We have enough people that are.

Yeah, we all do a half hour.

We do feature time.

Yeah.

I was like, dear club owners and bookers.

Very few of you are familiar with this man, Richard Spencer, but I think he is the feature.

That was in 2014, and we don't know what's going on.

Wow, you were on him that early?

Dude, Nick's got a whole white supremacy prospects.

Colton actually was one of them.

Colton Burpo?

Or what was his name?

Keaton?

Keaton Burpo.

Buster and Skeeter.

Yeah.

What were the guys?

We had a lot of half-hearted jokes on this episode.

I thought all through again.

If you guys weren't, I thought Beaton and Skeeton was the best joke in the episode.

How about Buster Skeeton?

Buster Skeeton?

That guy already had a pretty nutted update.

That's true.

On the nut index, he's up there.

Buster Skeeton.

Buster Skeeton and Music Professor.

That guy.

That guy.

Wow.

Remember that thing where a building falls on him and then he comes?

You should host a show on Turner Classic movies.

Remember when

Charlie Chaplin, he's like,

he's trying to, but the Murphy bed won't close?

Oh, yeah, that's pretty good.

Remember,

fuck.

Yeah, there you go.

Croucho Morgan.

Thanks for listening, everybody.

The mirror thing he does.

And he's like, it's a guy.

It's another guy, and Groucho's tricking him to make him think it's a mirror instead of him.

Is that a memory of like

being like a little kid and white men can't jump?

Came on, like, Fox.

I used to love that movie.

Primetime Fox.

And I was watching it at my uncle's house.

And my uncle lived in like Jersey outside of Philly.

And the movie started.

And my parents are like, we got to go home.

And I'm like, but I'm like, I just started watching this.

And they're like, it'll still be on when you get home because of the time zone change.

And I was like, really?

And they were like, yeah, of course.

It'll be two hours earlier when get home.

To Maryland?

Yeah.

And then we got there and, of course, it was like later.

And I was like, what the fuck?

You just lied to me?

They were like, yeah, we're not going to stay there so you can watch white men.

It's a fucking seven-year-old's whim.

My dad did that to me with The Simpsons.

It was like on at like 8.30 on Sundays.

And like, I guess my bedtime was 8.30 or something.

And so he's like, yeah, I'll get them to change it.

His dad just comes up from the basement and his shirt's off.

off and he's got boxing gloves on and his nose is bleeding.

He's a kangaroo.

Just a bunch of cum all over his mouth.

And he's like, it's bedtime.

Turn the telly off.

Don't come down in the basement.

He's fighting kangaroos.

Oh, no, I lost again.

Zero in 100.

My dad has gotten beat up by a lot of kangaroos.

All right, folks.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

Here's my summer tip: don't overthink your dogs' meals.

My pups love just fresh from just food for dogs, complete, balanced, fresh, shelf-staple meals that go everywhere from New York City to weekends in the Hamptons.

I mean, you can have real food ready to go for your pup anywhere.

No cooler, no hassle, just grab and go.

I've seen the difference.

Healthier coats, more energy, tails wagging at mealtime.

Biggie and smalls love it, and I'm all about stuff that just makes sense when life is busy.

Go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50% off your first order right now.

No code needed.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

And as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hill, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu/slash SCI for information on program outcomes.