Ep. 78 – We couldn’t get ian

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Your ring, your way.

Hollywood pedophile rings.

Something we

haven't really discussed on the show

yet.

But hot item.

Everyone's talking about who is fucking which boy.

Yes.

What boy is getting turned out?

Everybody wants to know what's you think Drake and Josh got fucked?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Damn, one of them has a good career, don't they?

Both Drake's.

Oh, you think Drake's on deGrasse?

Oh, fuck.

Who's Josh?

No, it's a Nickelodeon called Drake and Josh.

No, I know.

Drake Bell's doing well.

Josh Peck.

Josh Peck definitely got fucked.

He got fucked by

the funny monster.

No, he's hilarious.

Except Keenan Thompson.

Yeah, you're not on Mike, so

there's no reason to contribute to the conversation.

Brandon's in the room.

We already covered all that shit.

Yeah, so

this one's going to be like a more personal.

We brought in our friend Evan to interview him about how he's mostly fucked kids.

Technically, that's true.

Technically, Evan is basically that his kids.

The only person I have fucked that wasn't a kid when I fucked him is my wife.

Yeah, because Evan got married young as shit.

Oh, yeah.

So all the women he fucked were children.

I was a child as well.

He was also.

What was the lowest age?

Seven.

Fifteen.

Okay, that's fine.

I was 14.

Ooh,

getting that ninth grade pussy in eighth grade.

School as shit.

Hell yeah.

What was that like?

Busting your first nut?

It was nervous and quick.

It was New Year's Eve, and Tom Green was like commenting.

Tom Green was on the TV doing New Year's.

Oh, so

you were listening to Tom Green's voice the first time you fucked?

Nah, I couldn't hear his voice because Marilyn Manson was on.

So it looked like Tom Green was singing Marilyn Manson.

Hell yeah, dude.

Wow.

Yeah.

That fucking rocks.

The beautiful people.

It was pretty sick.

That was the song.

I actually don't remember the song, but I know it was Marilyn Manson.

Nice.

When did you bust your first nut?

When I was like 17.

Like, right before I turned 18.

Nice.

We've already, we've went to be doing that.

Yeah, we've all talked about it.

All right.

Well, it just has

well-trod.

So

really, there's nothing to talk about other than sexual sex rings and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's kind of the, that's the news now.

You know, it's funny, funny.

It's like all news.

It's like, you know, I see a lot of female comics being like, now it's our time.

Now that we're getting rid of the, we're draining the swamp, now it's our turn.

But it's like, well, not if you write topical jokes, because

those are off limits for you.

You can't do rape jokes.

That's true.

After all that,

yeah.

Good luck finding something in the news to talk about.

Do you think when women are in power, they will rape?

Is that part of it?

Yes.

I mean, look look at Hillary Clinton.

She kills children and

fucks them.

Pizza shops and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Evan gets it.

Again, we already covered all that.

So I'm sure you had.

I just, yeah, I was letting you know that I know.

I don't know, I guess.

What have you not covered?

Is there a new one in this past week?

There really isn't.

I mean, like, we kind of went into all of them on this week's prior premium.

Why don't we do some fun voices?

No, I think that's a.

We should find something to discuss rather than bail in the first two seconds and

listen to a fun voice.

Evan does good voices, dude.

Buddy.

All right.

You know what I mean?

All right, let's find something to discuss and then we'll do fun voices.

We'll earn the funny voices.

Okay.

All right.

We'll be a treat to ourselves.

All right.

Well, I guess Adam pointed out the New York Times reviewed Louis C.K.'s movie, and it's not coming out, so there's really no reason to review Louis C.K.'s movie.

No, they reviewed it to say that the jokes felt terrible in light of the allegations.

Oh, damn.

Yeah.

That was kind of a like Louis, like trying to do a movie about a guy who fucks up much younger women or whatever.

I think it's about a dad whose daughter fucks a guy that's a lot older.

Right, right, right.

So it's sort of about the dad that's sort of

the main victim.

Yeah, yeah, the man is the problem.

Yeah, yeah.

Louis is the victim.

Yeah, okay.

That makes sense.

I don't know.

I think it's probably interesting and probably pretty good.

Is it ever coming out?

Can we watch it?

Maybe, but probably not.

It'd be funny if you went back and look at Hitler's paintings and it's just like him fucking some Jewish person's face, you know, and putting a knife through their eye socket.

And they're like, the painting's good, but this isn't really art school.

Technically, you're very skilled, Mr.

Hitler.

Have you ever looked at them?

No, of course not.

I'm not a self-hating Jew that has weird sexual fantasies about Nazis, right?

I don't have.

Look at Hitler's paintings.

Just to be, you were never interested in what his paintings were.

In the way you were

to jack off to them.

To jack off to them.

No, they're like, I don't know.

They're kind of nice landscapes.

Pretty average paintings.

Like a Bob Ross.

It's an end of Bob Ross.

It's an empty field, but the implication is that there used to be a town there filled with Jews.

So they killed every man, shipped off the women, and then burned the city to the ground and paved over it with

poppies.

Planted trees.

Yeah, nice.

Hell yeah, dude.

Bob Ross was in the military.

He was like a

special forces.

He was like Vietnam?

Yeah, he was like a hardcore dude, and then he got into painting.

All those soft TV voices were like snipers and stuff.

You know what I mean?

Like Mr.

Rogers.

Oh, yeah.

He was like...

Yeah, Mr.

Rogers.

He was like an American sniper.

What's his name?

Something, Kyle?

Chris Kyle.

He was Chris Kyle.

Yeah, Mr.

Rogers invented Napalm, actually, and he was the first one.

He used to put it, he used to make Vietnamese children swallow it.

He was the one who was.

And then he watched them burn from the inside.

Nah, Mr.

Rogers wasn't in Nam.

Nah, Korea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The original Nam.

Yep.

The same country.

Nam 1.

How the fuck did Kim Jong just end up with.

How did his dad or granddad or whatever end up with half of Korea?

Shouldn't we have fucked them up?

Because they wouldn't let MacArthur go north.

I learned that from Rodney David.

38th parallel.

I learned that from Rodney Dangerfield's back to school.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a teacher.

That's where

most of my tidbits come from is back to school.

I love getting my dick sucked.

You like that?

That's Sam Kinnison.

We got to the silly voices, man.

That's good.

Somebody eat my ass!

That's my character, Sam Kinnison.

Yeah, who likes to get his ass eaten.

That's also just stop set.

nobody has sex with me

but I'm cute thank you but the breakfast

these are great jokes thank you for quoting them

come see me guys I'll be in Cleveland at hilarities

December 3rd I'll be having a check out his album but the breakfast on iTunes

that wouldn't be

that wouldn't be the name of the it's he's selling t-shirts guys but the breakfast I will not be selling like the breakfast t-shirts

Come see Nick do his harambe joke for 12 months in a row.

You're doing I watched you do a joke last night about I'm going through a breakup, and I know that was six

five years ago?

Yeah, but

it was.

I just stopped doing comedy because the news sucks now and there's nothing else to talk about.

I'm not still doing a harambe bit because I'm not doing basic hit.

Now I'm a professional broadcaster.

Anyway, that was Sam Kinnison asking to get his ass eaten, everyone.

So, you know what?

I'm going to stop doing the heavy lifting, then, guys, if that's it.

I had Sam Kinnison.

You know, you guys do a good character.

Adam?

Oh, God.

You're back here.

Oh, yeah.

How about,

you know, it's.

Please, Mr.

Luis C.K.

Do not.

Now, see, finally.

Do not hack off in front of me, please.

That's the small day laborer.

Small day laborer that would have been the world's most famous comedian

not jacked off in front of him.

Yeah, man.

All the shows that day laborer would have done in a book by Dick Becky easily.

Dig Becky completely could have

been right.

Miguel, if you want to have a career,

you will shut the fuck up.

Where to put the dragon on?

I just want to play my ukulele

and talk about how I eat pizza in bed.

I just want to be adorable and do adorable comedy where I don't really observe anything or have a punchline.

I just talk about how hard it is to be an adult because I don't know which part of the check is the routing number or the account number.

Is that like

what adulthood is?

That's just bad.

It's good.

It's adorable daylight.

He got discovered in the parking lot at Home Depot.

By some coked-up producer that's like, if you suck my dick,

you can be in the parent trap.

He's just a waiter in the back trap.

That's how they cast everyone in movies.

It's like every extra sucked some guy's dick.

He'd just be standing in the back drap.

If you look at the guy watching the dishes, he's like staring off into the distance.

The cracking about what he went through.

The crack epidemic and like, you know, the 1980s and like what that did to inner cities and like the amount of violence and gang violence and shit.

It's not like rich people didn't do cocaine, but the problems it created in those communities is like, you know, making them rape everyone they work with.

Yep, yep.

Well, again, the child pedophilia rings and it forced them to.

In many ways, the fact that the government diluted cocaine through crack when they gave it to inner city communities was

charity.

Yeah.

You know, because full-blown cocaine in those neighborhoods, Woof.

Because Reagan saw what happened in real Hollywood.

Exactly.

So he wanted to protect

it in Hollywood.

They started fucking all the kids.

And then when Reagan invented crack cocaine, yes, he's like, you can't let them go.

I care about black people too much.

I know.

It's true.

Let's step on this a little bit.

We can't give them the buddha.

Baking, so

give them the baking.

Get the acetone, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Have you ever done crack, Evan?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Was that cool?

It was pretty tight, man.

Yeah.

It was really tight, dude.

That's like one thing I'll say about crack.

It was actually pretty good.

It was actually pretty tight.

It's weird that you can't just be a guy that smokes crack.

Yeah, yeah.

Just chilling out with a nice little rock and you're dead.

You can't like brag about crack either.

I'm doing it right now, man.

I'm doing it right now.

Set the scene for us.

Everything's going great in your life.

Everything's going real bad.

Yeah.

And everybody's dead that I've ever loved.

And my buddy was like, Do you want to feel this stronger?

And I was like, yeah.

And so he cooked up some Coke in a smaller case.

Oh, he cooked it up?

Yeah, I free based Coke, which is like a freebase thing.

Oh, no, that's different.

It's different.

That's completely different.

Okay.

Well, then I did not smoke.

There's like a depravity to smoke and crack that doesn't exist with free basing cocaine.

Yeah.

Millionaires free based cocaine.

It felt way different than snorting it, though, man.

Free basing cocaine.

What did it feel like?

I mean, just like

more worrisome, you know, and

scary.

So, how does

it cook it and then you like snort it?

You draw in the smoke with its fumes.

You heat it up and then you suck the fumes.

Oh, shit.

Ooh, like that's homemade cookie.

You glaze blunts with it and stuff, but that's not this.

That's a weird high, man.

Yeah, you can't do it.

Well, crack a blunt with coke.

Yeah.

Crack, you like mixed

baking soda, and then you like cook that on the stove in water, and then the shit that rises to the top is like a yellow fucking sediment or something.

And you take that and then dry it out.

The bubbly stuff, yeah, something like that.

Right, maybe I smoked crack.

I don't know.

No, because you have to make crack on like a stove top.

Okay, I mean, there's different ways to do it.

I think

I was

cracking it.

There's a lot of songs you could listen to where they tell you how to do it.

Yeah, true, man.

Water whip it.

Stir in a pot with the Uzi.

That's how you do it, right?

Yeah, that's the only way I've ever made crack.

Yeah, I snorted meth.

Nice.

I never smoked meth.

I snorted meth.

And I did a bunch of, like, heroin and meth within the

ecstasy I was doing.

You know, it was all, like, very cut with either heroin or meth.

And I like the meth more because, like, oh, you're you're up, you know.

Like, with the

money's worth seasoning.

Yeah, yeah, you fuck and stuff.

And yes.

I didn't fuck ever.

You didn't fuck on ecstasy?

My girlfriend one time, yeah, but not, I didn't like go out and

get some strings.

Let me get down, yeah.

How'd your cock work on those drugs?

Like, not at all, and then once it did, it worked forever.

It was one of those things, it took forever.

Like an old lawnmower that won't, you got the record going a bunch of times.

Yeah, once it's going

in the neighborhood, yeah, fuck everyone in your neighborhood, yeah, man.

Break into their homes, fuck them while they're sleeping.

Yeah, we wanted

Ian on the show because he had a funny experience with.

We can just tell Ian's story.

Yeah, let's tell that story that Ian was just in LA and had an unfortunate experience with a trans prostitute.

Yeah,

but I think he got it.

Yeah, he like

he gets like that, you know, when you get to an airport and then there's all the rental car places and it's like Alamo, Enterprise, you know, Budget, whatever.

And then there's one of them that's like Lorenzo's cars.

It's like a cardboard sign.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Ian gets like that version of prostitute.

And those all know exists just near the airport.

He's fucking Motel 6 in Inglewood.

Yeah, no, he asked to eat her ass, and she said no.

He said, Do you mind if I eat your ass?

Madam, would you mind if I do mind?

And she said, no.

He got out alpha.

What a hilarious person he is.

I was asking him, I was like, how did you know that that was what you were into?

Yeah.

Because I can't imagine, even if I thought maybe that might be my thing.

And it ends up not being.

Right.

Then you're like, nah, it's a rock.

Well, he's crazy.

Like, the kind of people he hooks up with, he will

shine a flashlight in their asshole before he like.

Like, he literally told me, he's like, yeah, there's a flash of light in their asshole

to see if it's safe for me to dive in there.

And then he just dives in.

Well,

he's got a little fucking miner's helmet on.

He's got a little sickle and stuff.

He's like, he's taking off a chunk and putting it under a microscope.

He's like, me and my friend, we used to play with each other's dicks.

And then one time I showed him a picture I drew of a lady

with a penis.

Yeah, whatever.

What's that?

No, go ahead.

Yeah, no, this is what he told me.

Yeah.

We used to play with each other's dicks.

And I drew a picture of a lady, you know, with a penis, and he got mad at me.

His friend got mad at him.

He's like, hey, can you go back to sucking me off, please?

Enough of these fucking arts and crafts.

I haven't come yet, Ian.

Wait, so is Ian?

Did he go off the wagon, or he just didn't?

Yeah, that's what he does.

He's like, you know, with me, it's either like drugs or sex or whatever.

You know, it's like, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of wagons of life that he's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He lives on

the trail of depravity.

He's not drinking right now, but boys checking asshole

for dysentery.

Yeah, that's it's real rough, man.

Oh, yeah.

Well, good for you know, good for him.

No slut shaming, no,

whatever you're into, guys,

trans having sex.

You can do whatever you want as long as it's not being watched while jacking off.

That's the one thing,

the one type of behavior that's completely unacceptable, even if you ask for permission to do it.

Or jacking off on the phone.

Well, to be fair, he didn't ask permission in that case.

He did not.

But, like, oh, come on.

You're going to.

What if one example in that story?

Really?

Where it's like, this is, that part is indefensible.

You don't just play with your dick when you're at home and then something.

It doesn't sound like that.

There's a big difference between.

I do it all the time.

In that case, I've raped every customer service member.

You don't take my hands in my pants on any 45-minute

day of a lot of phone calls.

But here's the other thing:

don't know that I'm like touching, I'm not like jacking off anything.

You're not like keeping them on the phone longer and like breathing heavily.

That's what I'm going to do.

Start doing creepy.

Yeah.

To verize it, to get back at customer service reps.

I'm going to start beating off.

Yeah.

To get mad.

Those good job you guys are going to do to invite them to get Porsche show.

They

narrowly escaped having their eyes boiled out of their skulls so they could be better at singing.

Some morbidly obese man is going to stroke.

Regular obese, thank you.

Not morbid.

Just very.

No, it's morbid, dude.

That's morbid.

It's a morbid's like the

doctor doctors for marriage.

It's really like very

brutal medical terror.

Just obese, thank you.

Just obese.

You know what my favorite one is?

They don't use it anymore, but profoundly retarded.

which just sounds like an insult.

I can't imagine a context when that was ever like a nice term to use for somebody.

Congratulations, your son is not just retarded, he's profoundly

retarded.

Give me a little medal.

He's the winner of the retarded Olympics at his school.

Yeah, we're gonna make a fucked-up statue of him.

His big, smooth head, popsicles with his almond-shaped eyes,

Chinese eyelids.

Yeah,

you can't be mean to him anymore.

Not even if you're a doctor.

No, you can.

How much would it have sucked to be like, you know, it's like maybe 1987, you're just finishing up medical school school, and you're like, I did all this work so I could make fun of retarded people.

And they changed it.

And they changed it.

Wow.

They changed it to me.

Pull the rug right out of it.

Which job is it to come

Because for a hundred years, they got away with it.

We're going to call them idiots.

We're going to call them mongoloids.

We're going to call them, you know, freaks.

Yep.

Yeah.

And geeks.

Chowderheads.

Right.

And then now they finally settled on the one true thing that'll never be ruined by association.

Intellectually disabled.

Yep.

I feel like it was nice when they called them like the village idiot.

Like they're part of the community.

You know?

Right.

Yep.

Inclusive.

Now we just make now we just they live out on the street, and we don't like

that.

They don't necessarily live on the street.

That'd be fun if you're sort of what we do with mentally ill people in this country.

We're talking about the disabled.

Yeah, we're talking about

retarded.

Handicapped.

Yes.

Not in the difference

versus crazy.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

That's an ableist term.

That's my favorite shit online.

It's saying crazy.

I'm an insane person that's incapable of rational thought.

Here's how society should be.

Here's how people should interact with each other.

Oh, fuck, dude.

So we're all exhausted, right?

From

this rapes.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What'd you guys do?

No, it's just.

We all raped each other.

It's just a fucking nauseating, you know, news cycle.

Yeah,

sex trauma is like, you know, it's been three weeks of everywhere you look, it's just sex trauma.

It's brutal, man.

Yeah.

Well, it's like, you know what it feels like?

I remember this like distinctively sick feeling that I would get when I was exposed to like celebrity gossip or entertainment news because I don't care.

I don't give a shit.

And like when, you know, Access Hollywood or whatever would be on or something, it just like bothered me.

Yeah.

It's loud.

Of course, I don't care.

Like Mario Lopez.

I literally don't know who the Kardashians are.

I don't fucking know.

Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

I know who Kim Kardashian is because she's like, what, the hanging?

You know that the dad was.

The human centipede?

I know, yeah.

Yeah, he's the lawyer for OJ.

But again, this is like, it's a whole world that always just sort of bothered me.

I don't care for it.

And now it feels like, I mean, because the sex assault thing kind of just exists in that realm.

Yeah, it's celebrity.

It is.

It's celebrity gossip.

And it's not like

whatever.

I mean, problems about, you know, systemic sexism aside.

It's like this, it is still just fucking gossip about

who did what to who in the entertainment world.

Yeah, and we'll feel like people will feel like they accomplished something by certain people's careers being destroyed, but the systems are going to stay exactly the same.

You think it'll stay exactly the same?

I think a lot, yes.

I think that it'll follow.

Do you think the next, so there's going to be like a, they're going to purge this group of rapers.

Yeah, that's how it all falls.

And then the next group of Jewish rapers will just be.

Yeah, exactly.

There's a whole new class of us.

It's like the X-Men.

X-Men first class.

First class.

And then

who was the rap?

What's up with Brian Singer?

How is he not going to be able to get this?

He's been getting on the internet.

It's been scrubbed.

We've been talking about it.

That's sort of what's been making Nick lose his mind.

Did you see that?

Gary Goddard was accused publicly by Goose from Top Gun.

And Goddard was part of that lawsuit against Singer three years ago.

Have you seen an open secret?

Of course.

We talked about it.

Yeah.

God, I missed the juice, man.

Yeah, it's all right.

I missed the meat and potatoes.

Yeah.

That's all right.

It's crazy, man.

Yeah, it's fucked up, dude.

It's also in other.

It's fucked up.

Yeah, it's also like kind of everywhere.

You know, I mean, it's in politics and stuff like that.

But it's just like the Hollywood portions being talked about right now.

Like, do you think the politicians will start

raping children?

Well, I know that they are.

The thing is, it's like more.

Pizzagate was probably the best thing to happen to them because now it gets to be like an insane alt-right conspiracy rather than like, you know,

a thing that's actually happening.

You're like, oh, yeah, it's a fucking pizza shop.

But really, it's a sandwich shop.

Well, no, really, it's a private island that they would fly to.

You know, the guy that ran charter services to Child Rape Island did, what, 12 months?

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Well, and it was for not registering the plane.

Yeah.

It was not registering with the plane.

Do that Jeepers Creepers director, man.

Yeah.

He's making Cheaper Creepers 3 right now.

Hold on, every movie he made happened after the conviction.

I know, and one of them was a Disney movie, like right after the conviction.

Victor Sylvie

was powder.

Powder was Disney.

Yeah, Victor Sylvie, like we talked about.

He raped a child.

Not only did he rape a child, he taped it.

It was on the set of a Killer Clown movie, and so he raped him in a horror set.

Whoa, like in a haunted circus set.

Damn, bro.

He raped a kid.

That kid is fucking just to add to the horror, man.

I want to know

how I got this hard.

And then today, in response to the Roy Moore thing, all these girls are getting behind this hashtag me at 14.

Meet 14.

Yeah.

Which is basically.

Oh, no.

Which is basically.

Is it just some guy with like a 14-inch dick posting his dick on that hashtag?

And he's mad.

He's like, what?

I thought it was for me.

I'm not a rapist.

I've been using this big penis hashtag for years.

You stole it.

Meat 14.

Get that nice fat hog out there.

Just the oiled up fucking

man with the world's largest penis.

It is like water again today.

There's a butcher on 14th Street, just like pushed in his butcher shop.

Yeah, Jonah Falcon.

Jonah Falcon.

But that's the funniest kind of person to be is when your dick is so medical.

Medically

to be gay.

Yeah, that's yeah, that's the reason I'm like, well, it doesn't

what?

So you can suck the world's biggest penis?

I can suck on the world's biggest cock.

I just want to be the best at everything.

I want to be the very best.

It's sucking, big fat cocks.

Sucking.

Gotta suck them all.

Yeah, but then like, yeah, the response is that girls are just putting up like the sexiest pictures of them at fourteen.

So says Adam.

I mean, it's not

Christ.

This guy's not a

subjective statement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is Adam's opinion.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like, but I don't get it because every picture I see makes me hard.

So I don't think that it's really getting it's really accomplishing what they wanted to.

No way.

Because now I've started talking to 14-year-old girls

and trying to lure them into my one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn.

And I'm like, hey, do you guys need a tutor?

I almost went to law school.

I have a dog, too.

Okay, so.

Yeah, and she gets angry if girls don't do what I tell them to.

Is that right?

You put the little mask on Isis.

You're going to make the dog mad again.

That's your threat.

Tom, cheeky fucker.

You want to make this dog mad.

It's the least threatening bark.

I'll do whatever you say, Mr.

Friedland.

All right.

That's not what I was trying to say.

No, they're like sexualizing themselves at 14 for basic

sharing this trauma.

How are they sexualizing themselves, though?

Because they're putting up like pictures of themselves as children.

Yeah, but they're not sexual.

Isn't the poor sexy idea?

The point is

they're putting pictures of themselves up as children, and you're getting hard to it.

You're sexualizing.

That's not true.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

We might have to fire everyone associated with the show because Ad Adam.

Yeah, you're going to have to we're all going to lose our jobs.

Yeah.

The only thing the only fair thing to do when somebody gets caught

with sexual misconduct is destroy the lives of hundreds of people around them.

Yeah, yeah.

Alan Alda needs to be taken down.

Anyone who's ever been in a movie with them should be fired.

Anyone

with the same hair color.

Oh, yeah.

Gingers, Gingers, man.

If Steve Harvey ever gets exposed, probably like 10,000 people will be able to do it.

Didn't he do that kid say the darnest thing reboot?

Yeah.

He probably fucked those kids.

Allegedly.

The darndest thing is always.

It's a Bill Cosby with the kid on his lap.

What do you say something something fucked up?

And then the kid's like, you raped me.

There you go.

Woo!

There was no claim.

That's what we tune in for, folks.

That is

darn dead.

Oh, fuck.

Now, what the hell?

Yeah, but you know, I was thinking, you know how like the army had to cover up in Afghanistan, how like all those people were fucking boys, like the tribal leaders or whatever.

The Northern Alliance?

Yeah, this just has to be a thing everywhere.

You think everyone fucks kids?

Everywhere with power.

It's not like, does it like, why would they be doing that?

You know, that's not really, is that specific to their culture?

Or like what?

You mean in Afghanistan?

Yeah.

Like what.

I don't know.

Someone, and this is completely non-sourced or educated at all, but I don't know.

Someone's saying because they treat women bad, you can only fuck boys or something.

Yeah, well, I guess they certainly treat women right in Hollywood.

Yeah, that's what I was about to say.

Like,

well, you didn't say it, I said it first.

So

Adam's Adam was that kid in elementary school that, after someone answered correctly, goes, I was going to say that.

Or like when

they announced the answers to the homework, the like, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Adam was a yes.

You know what?

Yes, and then we get reprimanded for saying yes, and then he would just do the arm thing in silence.

No, I loved saying yes, honestly.

No, you were a nerd.

I was a nerd, too.

Um, we're gonna take a quick break, and we'll be right back with the conclusion to how gay Adam was as a child.

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Thanks, guys.

What did you do to him?

Tell the adoring fans of the show.

He's Brandon's cock.

Yeah.

Brandon's here, and he doesn't have a mic because he doesn't have the courage to speak out about

all of the men that he's been diddled so many times.

He's out of spinning.

Sorry.

His hands are shaking so much right now.

Brandon's been

crying the first half

brought up boys getting fucked in Hollywood.

He molested the breakfast.

Yeah, we did all fuck his mouth.

Did you use the term sexually raped?

Yeah.

You sexually raped.

Well, there's lots of kinds of rape.

There's sexual rape, there's career rape, there's rape of disagreement.

There's rape by being booked on a show that someone else isn't.

That's a form of rape.

There's micro rapes.

Yeah, of course.

You get hugged weird.

That's when Adam rapes you with his little ass dick.

Yeah.

That's when a white person accidentally has curly hair.

If you go to the beach and you don't get your hair straightened afterwards,

if you're a cracker,

then I'm sorry, folks.

Why people?

Why people?

I thought that was, for a long time, I was like, I thought that was like an anagram.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I was like, why do you put what what the fuck does this mean yeah yeah yeah you know i could what do you mean what do you why the online people refer to white people as wippo i never saw that man woo spend more time well that's because that content isn't for you

it's not for your eyes

yeah man i feel like you guys are too in the internet dude i'm actually not anymore no like not on anything yeah you know i'm more of a

video games you spent years though you did you did plenty of tours in Iraq at the time.

I did.

Yeah.

You were really online for that.

In a lot of ways, you know, I am like a veteran.

Yeah, you're a veteran of the internet.

I am.

So yesterday was for me.

It's weird with all the sexual assault talk on Veterans Day, we didn't hear anything about

how huge of a problem that is in the military.

Oh, yeah.

That is true.

Yeah.

That's one that's completely...

completely kept people cared about that for like 20 minutes.

Yeah, what happened?

And it was like,

whatever.

Yeah.

Then they were like.

That's the thing is because, like, with widespread systemic abuse, you can be like, holy shit.

And then it's like, well, how do we stop this?

And it's like, I guess we're kind of powerless.

You know, I'm going to go back to playing Gran Turismo.

Yeah.

I'm going to get you.

I'm just calling it Gran Turismo as well.

Instead of what?

Turismo?

Is it not Turismo?

It's Turismo.

I think it's Turismo.

Am I the asshole?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Damn, you said it with Carismo.

I'm from the South, dude.

We're stupid.

Ask Mateo.

Mateo would know.

Yeah, Grande Toris.

Well, I guess, yeah, if you pronounce it like the Italian.

Grande Torísimo.

Grande Torismo.

Did Mateo show you that clip of him on that Mexican dog show?

Yeah.

And he's saying something.

It looks like he's at Conan and he's on the chair and he's like, you know,

you know, speaking in fucking Spanish or whatever.

And then it cuts to the host and it's just a clown.

And he's like,

salute to fucking Mexican television.

One of the most hilarious shows.

They got big ladies with big-ass titties

just throwing pies in their ridges' face.

All those girls are married to the executives of that network.

Oh, yeah.

They ain't got no problems, if you know what I'm saying.

Those girls understand what the price of doing business is.

Yeah, my wife watches that all the time.

That's who needs to take over Hollywood after all this.

Okay, all right.

Oh, we're going to be straight up about this, yo.

If you ain't sucking, you ain't getting on screen, baby girl.

We're going to do the same behavior, but it ain't a secret anymore.

That's what people don't like.

So dishonest.

I'm honest.

Say I'm a fucking liar.

I'll beat the fuck out of you.

Okay, no blacks either, though.

They don't show up on a camera.

Yo, y'all get Black Panther twice every two years.

We'll do another Black Panther, and that's it, yo.

Everything else is going to be movie.

Girls are big-ass titties that are white or maybe a Latina.

Needs all these lights.

We're wasting all these money on lights so the black people show up in movies.

I'm tired of doing that shit.

I want to shoot something late afternoon without having to fucking, you know, drain the entire city grid.

Yo, go do the halftime show at a basketball game, yo.

They got the lights figured out for y'all already.

Okay, movies is for the white race, yo.

Oh, yeah.

Put him in charge, baby.

Yeah, that's a great guy to run everything.

I don't think I know this guy.

Oh, I got to take you down to Baltimore, dude.

Show you all about these guys.

This was based on like a specific guy.

Yeah, one guy.

There is one guy

who you can't really mention on the show because he probably will drive here to try and find out.

100%.

100%.

Nobody talks shit about me.

I don't care.

They fucking said I was running Hollywood.

That's not true.

I'm working fucking Batteries Plus.

Yes, I steal the batteries.

Oh, fuck, dude.

God, I miss my hometown.

I miss the charm.

Speaking of, I will be there

Wednesday.

I'm a little bit more.

That's on the sidebar.

Sidebar.

Next Wednesday.

Yeah, before Thanksgiving.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I'm doing a show, so come out, and maybe I'll do 20 minutes of that character.

I'm so hungry, dude.

What do you want to eat?

I don't know.

I need something

like a chicken salad.

Okay.

Okay.

You're trying to get back on track, man.

I am, dude.

I've been eating literal Halloween candy for three weeks.

You got any candy corn here?

Candy corn.

You like candy corn?

I love it.

I'm like the one guy that likes it, dude.

I'm keeping the business alive.

Yeah, holy, you're not the one guy that likes it.

Obviously, lots of people.

I literally mean one.

But yeah, most motherfuckers don't like it.

Most motherfuckers don't like it.

Most people pretend not to like candy corn because

it's a seasonal candy.

It's not like it's around all year long.

But it does suck.

It's buggy.

It's not really good.

It's just whatever.

I don't mind candy corn.

I don't remember if it's a corner.

It just tastes like ice cream.

Guys, here's how I feel about candy corn.

If it's, I kind of feel like it's cocaine, you know?

Like if it's

no, I actually do agree.

I agree with that observation 100%.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

Why did

it mad?

Because it's his...

He was stealing a joke from me.

Ironic.

Anyway, I actually do feel that way.

Yeah, it hurts.

Like, I only, like, it's not good, but if there's a bowl of it, I'm going to fucking inhale it.

Right.

What?

Is that your bit?

You know who had the best candy corn bit.

It's a bit I can do in three weeks of.

The best candy corn bit.

Lewis Black had the best candy corn bit.

What was it?

He was about how every piece of candy corn

was produced in 1930.

The same batch is still floating around.

Nobody fucking likes it.

Remember how funny he was for like a year?

He was funny.

And then he pointed with his correspondent.

He loved pointing with his dad.

When he blew up, my dad was oddly way into him.

My dad was like, oh, wow, this guy's great.

Dad's loved him, man.

He had that angry energy.

Well, then, like, after two months of that, my dad was like, all right, I got to tell you, I used to buy Coke off him.

He used to tell me that.

No.

I was like, you have to be mistaken.

Yeah.

He is from D.C., though, isn't he?

No, this was in New York.

No, in New York.

He was a playwright for a long time.

Really?

Before he got into comedy.

Yeah.

And he used to sell you.

He used to send?

Yeah.

My man was fucking moving to the camera.

I mean, I don't know that.

I mean, it's like, I don't want to just say...

Say that Lewis Black was a Coke dealer based on my dad's assumption that it was the same guy.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think he routinely did it.

I think it was one time.

Oh, he bought Coke once.

Yeah.

And it was off him specifically.

That's pretty interesting.

Yeah.

He's gay, right?

My dad?

Yeah.

It's hereditary.

Yeah,

big old queer.

Runs in the face.

It skips a generation.

No, it doesn't.

It does not.

It goes, my dad.

No.

Then Stav, who's technically my son, because I fuck his mom.

Oh, no.

First of all, you guys only kiss, and she jerks you off.

She told me you're lying about fucking her.

Why?

Yeah, because I destroyed her pussy the first time.

It's now inside out.

So it's inoperable?

Yeah.

There's caution tape all over it, like a badass comedian's debut album.

Wrapped around his mouth.

Yeah, around the mouth, baby.

Yeah.

There was a guy in Baltimore that used to have that as a headphone.

Shouts out Tommy Shabbazzo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shouts out to Tommy with the caution tape.

I actually do fuck with Tommy.

Dana's punk.

Dana's like first paid show or first book show or whatever.

We were both on that show.

It was with Tommy Simbazzo show.

So at her mom's house, there's like a Tommy Simbazzo poster on the fridge.

That same poster is on my fridge.

That was one of the my mom, my mom kept it and fucking put it on the fridge.

Yeah.

For whatever reason, that was.

My mom did that.

I featured for Ryan Stout in San Antonio, and that was like my first like out-of-town feature paid gig being put up in a hotel or whatever.

And my mom just printed out the website.

so it's just like a picture of ryan stouth with like a listing of the show my name's not even on

it says also appearing nick mullin at the bottom

that's cute though that she printed it out yeah no she has she has that and like my ged in a drawer

you got a ged yeah i do whoa man you drop when did you drop out of high school when i like the beginning of my junior year Wow.

Yeah.

Because, I mean, it was like clear that I was not going to finish.

Yeah.

It was was pretty clear I wasn't going to, but I somehow just did.

I just powered through.

I bullshitted my senior projects.

Like, I bullshit a lot of stuff and I made it.

Oh, I never did any work.

Yeah.

I mean, like, ever.

Okay.

It was never.

I think it was clear when I was in like fifth grade that I was like not going to go.

You were just a kid who literally never had his homework.

Yeah, I just never did.

Because it's like, there's no consequence.

It's just like you fail.

I'm like, all right, okay.

Dude, am I going to be held back a great?

And they're like, no, you just get to continue.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they did that in Maryland.

They started doing that.

They stopped holding people back.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I would still be in third grade.

Do you know that guy, Dominic Leonetti?

What is his name?

Dominic Leonetti, yeah.

Some Italian guy, you know.

Dominic.

Yeah.

He's a comedian, man.

I'll look up his name.

He fucking learned that like the special classes didn't have homework.

Oh.

And he pretended to be special.

Are you serious?

All right, Dominic Leonelli, dude.

Look up this guy, man.

He has a video on YouTube where he just talks about it.

He's like, Yeah, yeah, man.

I just fucking noticed that

they weren't doing a lot of work, and they watched a bunch of movies.

So I started acting retarded.

And I was in the special class for all the high school.

Salute, dude.

Just salute to him.

That rules.

It's the most dedication I've ever heard in my life, dude.

It must rule to be mentally retarded.

Yeah.

You never

get a million days.

You never do any work.

Yeah, if you get to when you're 32.

A lot of them are.

You get to fuck one girl and then they execute you for killing her.

Yeah.

Rick Candy kills you.

Well, some of them get the bad kind where they're scared all the time, you know?

Where it's like, uh-huh.

Like, you know, and I would say that.

I wouldn't like that one.

No, you want the happy one.

The happy one.

Like, my wife works with special people, and there was,

that's probably not what you call them.

Special people.

Because

that's what, I mean, like, any term you use, and this is kind of like

mentally disable.

This is like a generally disable.

But any term you use, the problem is that you're using those words to describe somebody that's like not equal.

I'm sorry.

Like

everybody's equal in terms of like, you shouldn't be an asshole to them, but like

they're not, they're just

like a deficiency, and their life is never going to be a normal life.

I mean, it's just won't.

I'm sure a lot of them can be like pretty functional, but like

people are going to associate those words with somebody that has a fucking deficiency, and it's going to become an insult.

No matter what, eventually, eventually, like, no matter what, every single thing.

It has a shelf life.

Like, all the words that we think are funny, like saying Mongo literally was doctors used to say that shit.

You know what I mean?

Like,

even special to that.

That's when I was a kid.

It's like, what is this guy, special?

I mean, it was Carlos Pencia's whole act.

Right.

Yeah.

Didn't he?

Yeah.

That's a good ass bit.

That's a good bit.

Just literally making a retard of noise.

Joe Rogan.

Yeah, what if that was the bit Rogan was mad about?

I did the

bit.

Yeah.

But there's this dude at my wife's work that every time he sees anyone, he just says, Can I get a yay?

And then you got to say yay.

And he goes, hell yeah.

That's like his whole life.

That guy ruined.

He just collects yay.

He's just a black man.

He's not retarded at all.

He's in the staff.

I'm sorry, but your son is black.

Can I get a yay?

Hell yeah.

Ham Berger.

Your son is

profoundly black.

Profoundly black would be like a good woke hip-hop name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's gonna be someone special.

Yeah, that's gonna be someone special.

Like an early 90s, like Afrocentric hip-hop name.

See Profoundly Black.

Oh, yes, bitch.

Damn.

They have song titles that are like, Why Come?

You know?

It's like, Why Come the Government Got Symbols on the Money?

Why Come I Can't Get a Job?

You know.

That was a good type of song.

The just listing problems as buttons.

The question songs.

Yeah.

Well, you're talking about that.

That

who is that?

Who does that song?

Jadak.

Yeah, we talked about that already.

Questions.

Right.

What's that?

21 Questions from 50 Cent.

You guys remember that shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, but that was more of a fucking song.

Yeah, but he was asking questions.

True.

It's a different genre.

Would you love me if I was down and out?

Would you still have love for me?

Still have love.

I remember that vacuum video cake.

I remember that music video because he fucks Megan Good.

Would you love me?

If you found out I was part of a pedophile ring.

Would you still

be spreading a boy's ass cheeks open?

Would you still have love for me?

The video was about a conjugal visit.

He was in jail, and then he goes to a trailer, and Megan Good comes to visit him, and then they fuck in the trailer and then I guess he goes back to jail.

Oh yeah, dude.

She held it down though.

She's still coming down.

She's very hot.

She's coming to get that jail dick.

Yeah, I guess so.

That pent-up jail dick.

That's probably a nice type of dick.

Isn't there, like, aren't there...

Don't people say he's gay?

50?

50?

They say a lot of people are gay.

Dr.

Dre.

Oh, really?

He's gay?

Yeah, there's rumors that, like, Tupac, like, wouldn't, like, record in a room with him.

He's like, I want to be in here with this gay motherfucker.

Like, get him out.

It is funny to think about how all the people we think of as woke guys.

It's like Tupac.

Like, Tupac now is like, everyone's like, he was a poet and shit.

He was homophobic.

He was really offensive and homophobic.

He had some really dumbass ideas.

I was watching a documentary about him.

I don't remember any, but I just remember being like, damn, Tupac was.

Can you make one up?

Yeah,

he thought that

everyone from Guatemala was actually part

Ardvark.

Nice, dude.

That's improv.

Thank you.

Thank you,

Pit last night.

That was at the pit, yeah.

And next on the wall.

Oh, I saw that picture.

On the wall, they have just like enormous on the fucking wall next to the stage, a clown's prayer.

Oh my god.

Let me remember to make people laugh.

That my

duty in this life

is to shine a light on the dark moments of others' lives.

Well, how much of a fucking narcissist do you have to be to think that's what a comedian is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is not like literally someone that did not want to do homework.

Right.

Yeah.

I don't want a real job.

I don't want to job.

I decided I could have helped the world.

Yeah.

And I was like, no, that's gay.

I'm going to get fucked up and just talk about having a lot of people.

I'm going to be an alcoholic that says retard so much that eventually it's funny again.

Woo!

USA.

USA.

It's also like that's not even the definition of a comedian anymore for like the sanctimonious, fucking pious comics.

Now your job is to speak truth to power.

Yeah, I watched Brandon and I went.

I'm stupid.

I don't know shit.

I just want to be funny.

We had a buddy, like, somebody was on stage recently, and my buddy was like, man, he's not even saying anything, dude.

I'm like,

yeah, he was saying words.

You know, he's talking about farts and stuff.

You know, I know, but he's not, like fucking saying anything.

Shut up.

I'm like, when did that become the job?

Like, I thought we, you know, we're supposed to make people laugh.

Who was it?

Name names.

I don't want to.

I don't want to do it.

I love him.

He's a really funny guy.

Who's he not the guy on stage?

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

I think he's a good.

He's a

funny name.

He's really funny, yeah.

All right.

Really funny.

Who was it?

So it wasn't Adam.

This was a year ago, too.

Maybe he's grown.

Was it Taylor?

No.

Definitely hasn't grown.

Who catch him?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it wasn't Taylor.

Taylor wouldn't say that.

Stop trying to get him to say who it was.

Why?

He's uncomfortable.

Look, this is a Hollywood gossip podcast.

That's true.

It's a blind item.

A certain comedian

who may have a mustache and fucks transsexuals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Said this.

Yeah, that.

That's good.

Well, who was the comic on stage?

I'm not going to do that.

I'll say who said it.

It was Mateo.

Yeah, yeah.

Mateo says things.

He says things?

Yeah, no.

Well, Matteo is a friend of the show.

Yeah, yeah.

I love Matteo.

He does that.

That also just sounds like a dumb thing you'd say in the back of the room because you hate the person on stage.

Either you hate the person on stage or you just, the impulse is to shit talk whoever's on stage because it's funny.

It is funny, right?

That's the best part of coming.

And I'm acting like some hero who wasn't in the back of the room, like, you know what?

He's not saying shit.

Yeah, right.

I'm acting like I was above what he said.

I i was not above what he said um but it's stupid i think it's stupid for us both to think that way i do not think even my friends they're on stage i'll sit in the back of the room and tear apart their entire act like yeah while they're on stage to anyone who will listen yeah yeah that's nice it doesn't matter what the who it is if like a booker the thing is is comedy is always just garbage you know yeah and it's very easy to tear apart anything and it's also like when you're saying some up there to the crowd you're saying it for the first time but your buddies heard you say it 60 times Yeah.

And so when you just like say a line

out of any of our set, like out of context.

You say a really good joke out of context.

Like, yeah, really good.

Yeah.

Oh, if you want to start going into each other's acts there, Adam, let's do it.

Dude, you need to get through 10 minutes of Brandon's fucking show.

First, the clues.

Let's do no.

You can say any line for line, and I'll like.

I don't know why you're going after me.

I admitted that I couldn't write anymore and I left doing it.

No, you're still a good comic.

You just don't have confidence.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Speak on what?

Oh, did you shit on Adam's act again?

No, it's fine.

Go Adam, dude.

Go at Adam.

There are some things that are sacred.

Now, that Adam and his father are both rapists?

No, that is not.

But the act, I won't do it.

Thank you.

That's part of the clown's prayer.

Is that you never, you never?

If I had to do it, I don't want to, but if I had to shit on Adam's act, I would say that

he'll tell a story.

You and Flores do the same fucking goddamn thing where it's like

you have a new story bit, and the first time you do it, it's fine.

And then as soon as you touch it again, you completely destroy it.

No, it's specific.

No, no, that's not true.

You guys, and Flores does this dumb shit.

No, no, no, no, no.

Flores will have like a perfect 30-second joke, and it'll crush.

And then the next time he does it, he's like, you know,

oh, the thing is, is because, but actually, if you think about it.

And it's like, just say the joke.

Well, yeah, that's true.

But it's

with the story bit.

That's a normal thing is that when you do a new joke that you're excited about, the first time you do it, you're like, this feels great.

And then the second time you do it, it's like, oh, it doesn't work as well.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like a joke happens to be life where it's not fresh after a certain way.

Right, and then you have to sort of rebuild it after a while.

With a joke, I can more easily jump into whatever the hell I meant the first time I said it than with a story.

Because when I do a story, if it's like a five-minute story and it just happened to me, I'm like still kind of going through it emotionally.

So I'm like talking

to the crowd working.

It is funny, though, because

the breakfast thing does work on like every comic.

If you just repeat someone's punchline, it's so mean.

They get defensive.

If you were like, I wish there were tickle fights, I'd be like, dude, fuck you, man.

Come on, dude.

Come on.

We're all trying okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I'm like, it is completely easy to wreck every

comic.

Like, it's not even my hand.

It's like a little doll hand.

Hey, whoa, whoa, we don't have to keep doing my back.

We're not having to keep doing that.

I'm saying that's a great joke.

But you say out of context with a certain tone of voice.

What's that?

That's your custom.

All right.

You know what, guys?

We're not airing this one.

I'm exercising.

And the thing Adam does is

that it's a dumb part of the joke.

I had a custom remote made.

It's obviously stupid.

It's funny, man.

It's not having a little dick.

It was a smaller version of the thing already.

Triple-A batteries.

We're not workshopping my activities.

I am.

We're doing it.

AAA batteries.

No, I don't think that's funny.

Did you know that

Kasha?

You can't suppose to take a shit without Kasha.

Yeah.

It's a great job.

It is a great joke.

Yeah.

We're all taking turns saying great joke.

Hold on.

You're not highlighting you're doing it wrong because you're not highlighting just a punchline out of context.

That in and of itself is

right.

That one is like.

You can't spell take a shit without Kashi.

It stands on.

That does.

Yeah.

Which, if you examine my material, every aspect of my comedy is infinitely.

Many line out of context.

I do what I like to call fractal comedy,

where no matter how far you zoom in, it's still perfect.

Oh, man.

I'm trying to remember the rest of the bit now so I can get a

one that isn't perfect.

I completely forgot that, Joe.

I think it's all perfect, dude.

I think you're right.

No, it's not.

Oh, it is.

No, it's gay and bad.

What just happened there?

I don't know.

The PS4 fell asleep, and I think this thing is diping out.

Do you miss stand-up?

I'm going to go do spots tonight.

I'm going to ball.

Yeah, you should.

You should

have two more spots.

Are you going back because you missed it?

Yeah, well, I need to socialize, and like, it does keep you sharp.

And I'm like, it's not when I stop doing stand-up, it's like I have all these other things I'm working on, and I'm not working on anything now.

I'm going to stop deluding myself into thinking I'm going to finish up

with the script or whatever.

Yeah, and it's just,

you know, I like, I miss going out.

Yeah, man.

I miss seeing you out there, dude.

You're a funny guy.

Thanks, man.

No.

That's good.

I think that's very good news, Nick.

I'm bad.

Fuck, I'm hungry, dude.

You're always hungry.

That's not true.

Yeah, it is.

Sometimes we're so happy when we just got dinner the other day.

I was happy.

The only time I'm happy

is so fucking happy.

I had fun last night.

Me and Slav went to the cellar and ate wings.

You know, it's funny.

Those are the best wings.

Did you read Guy Branham's fucking article about how

The Cellar, a place where gay people are banned.

Well, that's

gay and are not allowed in the cellar.

And if they enter, they will be raped.

What the fuck is this?

He's like, it's a metaphor.

He's like, you described a literal table

and its exact location.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then named the people at the table.

Yes.

And then made a declarative statement about who's allowed to sit there.

Don't know dick about.

Yeah.

And so.

The seller did tell me that gay people weren't allowed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not allowed.

Well, so we go there.

Because you're gay.

People make all kinds of excuses when they don't want a person.

And at table over, there's some guy berating a woman about men's rights.

It was pretty hilarious.

I've never seen that in public in my life.

This guy's right.

I literally have never seen that.

I think there was a guy that's like, we are 90% more likely to go to jail.

We are 90% more likely to be a victim of violent crime.

This man's just like standing there.

It was like, what is happening?

Yeah.

That guy came over and introduced himself and then tried to like burn us.

Yeah.

He was what guy Brandon was talking about.

Like some dumbass who was coming up.

But this wasn't a comedian, right?

I think he probably was some shitty comic who thinks that's how you make it.

You go to the cellar and then like start

shitting on people just until you're like, whoa, I respect how that guy shits on.

You heard some Patrico names.

Not a white man, by the way.

Yeah.

Point that out.

Whoever,

I couldn't deduce what race he was.

Yeah.

He looked like one of those like

Polynesians.

No, you know, where they're like

black, but they don't have a black face.

Oh, yeah, like Polynesian, kind of.

No, like a real dark-ass Indian dude.

Yes, that was kind of.

He kept saying the N-word.

Yeah.

He did.

It was weird.

I thought it was.

Everybody's saying the N-word, like Puerto Puerto Ricans and Puerto Ricans get a

New York thing.

It's a New York city.

Is that it?

Yeah, like we're in New York right now.

We say it.

All people of color.

That Chinese family I lived with, the son, who was like 14 or whatever, and like he's a nice kid, but like he was, I mean, he just sat and played like MMORPGs all day long.

He would sit at his laptop, and I would hear him on like, you know, voice chat with like other Chinese kids or whatever.

And he was always dropping N-bombs.

but he didn't like do any part of the voice he had like a thick Chinese accent and then he would just also say the n-word whoa nice yeah it was bizarre but isn't that how you say didn't you have that bit where it's like that's also how you say it in here they use it as a filler material yeah yeah so Chinese like in Mandarin Chinese every black comic that goes to China comes back with that bit by the way like

that's 100%

what is it it's like yeah they use it as I was at Starbucks in Shanghai yeah and all of a sudden the the Starbucks guy keeps saying, and then he just shits.

I think your black guy voice is just fucking Jeff Foxwood.

I'm a black man.

When you go to China and get offended, you might be a black man.

What was I supposed to do?

What kind of accent was I supposed to use?

You know the kind of

me as though I was in China.

That's your black guy?

You're still not committing to audio black guy voice.

You know what's funny is because it's like it's racist to do black guy voice, but it's way more racist to not be able to do black guy voice.

Yes.

That last time was Chinese.

He's like, I was in China.

It's like, yeah, like a black guy.

I am an African-American Umanu.

That's Japanese.

Yeah, yeah, that's not Chinese.

I know.

I was just reading other accents.

You can be

with an Australian accent.

Omblik.

The thing about South Africa is you have to make your mouth as small as possible.

Don't tell me that.

Amen.

Because

they love sucking dick down.

And you might accidentally signal another man if you open your mouth too wide.

That's so true.

You're just trying to be booked today.

No one rips my mouth to South Africa.

Dude, he's trying to make it too shape.

No one rips my mouth.

Don't fuck my mouth, please.

Please stop fucking my mouth.

And that's where Adam comes from.

I'm proud of Los Angeles.

Guys, what was I going to say?

Oh, Brandon and I watched SNL last night.

And they did a, I don't know, in my estimation, kind of a problematic episode because they had a black female host.

And so then they tried to like...

Tiffany Heddish?

Yeah, they tried to like respond to like all of the controversy by doing like by celebrating that and it was it just

completely failed.

What?

It was like a video game sketch.

I hadn't watched a full episode of SNL in forever.

They did a video game sketch, it was like Mortal Kombat.

You're like, it was the player select screen, and it was like Scorpion, like, you know,

Sub-Zero.

Sub-Zero, and then it was like, Boo-Boo Jenkins.

It was just a minstrel.

What?

The entire episode.

Boo-boo Jenkins?

The entire episode wasn't minstrelsy.

And it was like, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

her power yeah one of her powers was saying the word Beyonce

like rough

yeah so new comedy is about to be really good now

oh man what was like I mean that sounds pretty funny to me I completely missed the setup

I heard minstrel and I chatt yeah yeah yeah

you did another one where she was like they were there were just kids in a there were kids in a forest and then they're like walking around and then she like

walks up to them She's like, I'm the last black unicorn, and it makes no sense what any of it's about.

It makes absolutely no sense.

And then they, and then, uh, what's her name?

Leslie Jones comes out, and she's like, I'm also a black

unicorn.

And it's just, there isn't a laugh, it's just like really uncomfortable.

And then I found out this morning, Brandon found out this morning that she's about to publish a book called The Last Black Unicorn.

What?

So it was fucking

product placement, subliminally trying to get you to buy a book in the future.

In the future, but it made absolutely no sense.

It was like, it was really, it was really.

So I hear, I can kind of read between the lines of what you're saying, Adam.

No more black women should be hosting SNL.

No, no, what I think is.

You know the story about Stephen Slaughter.

I mean, I don't agree, but if that's Steven Seagal on SNL, where, you know, like he had his own sketches that he wanted to pitch.

You can't.

And one of them is he's a therapist that, you know, like there's a rape victim, and Steven Seagal, like, is the therapist who starts molesting her while she's.

Jesus Christ.

And the whole staff had to, like, explain to him why it wasn't funny.

Like, that's his idea of comedy.

Well, you just got exposed the last two of these.

No, everyone's known that about Steven Seagall.

Of course, of course, but his name is like.

You can't expose Steven Seagal.

Yeah.

He's a detestable comedy.

Everyone knew about Cosby.

Everyone knew about, like, you know, no, but that's why it's like the Charlie Sheen thing.

It's like Charlie Sheen raped a 13-year-old boy, and nobody gives a shit because it's Charlie Sheen.

That makes sense that Charlie Sheen would have done that.

Yeah.

Why is Brandon having a seizure?

Because it's a pretty funny sketch, what Steven Segal.

Oh, it is funny, dude.

That's the thing.

It's like they had the wrong take, which is, Stephen, it's very funny, especially considering who you are.

This won't be good for your career, nor will it be good for SNL.

Isn't it really hard to get the Segal, like, the monologue and the sketches from that episode?

Like, they tried to erase it from the internet.

But I think there's some daily motion clips of the Steven Seagal SNL, but they're all like amazing.

They're all really hard.

It's the best of Steven Seagal

on Saturday Night Live.

Come here, Sherry.

Let me rape you.

Yeah.

Please stop.

Please.

Please stop.

I have a family.

Live from New York.

It's Saturday night.

What if it's the Spartans, but I rape the Spartans?

It's 300, but it's the number of women I've assaulted.

When did he host it?

What era was that?

Probably Out for Justice era.

Early 90s, mid-90s.

Probably Ruthless Aggression era.

Yeah.

2015.

Yeah, they just had him on.

The episode before Trump.

The Trump Seagal double special fucking app.

God damn it.

He does the monologue in a chair.

Yeah.

With those yellow sunglasses.

Do you remember SNL made Trump do hotline bling?

That was so miserable.

What?

Yeah, when he listed, he did a hotline bling parody.

Anyway, the point of what I was trying to say was, like, they were trying to...

No, we already said you don't want to be able to do that.

No,

they were trying to have an inclusive

episode, but they just ended up using the black people on the show in the most racist way.

As props?

Yeah, it was really difficult to watch, but

I ended up watching the whole thing.

Well, what a hero, dude.

You're a fucking hero, man.

I mean, sometimes it's just so bad, it's good, I guess.

You know,

you gotta see it.

I don't know.

I haven't watched it.

Like, I feel like I hadn't watched it all season until last night.

I don't think I've sat down and watched SNL since 2002.

Yeah, like Will Farrell.

Yeah.

Was the last time I really fucking watched it?

Yeah, I was really into it when the Bush versus Gore

sketches were strategery.

Remember

lockbox.

Remember that sketch?

That was hilarious.

They did that one with like that senator that

where he's like

blind people think they're so cool.

I can't stand the Chinese.

Was that Fred Thompson?

Yeah, I can't remember who it was supposed to be, but well, those two, those two

lines out of context are hilarious.

That's back when people would take risks.

Yes,

yeah, it's just us now, the real truth tellers.

And yeah, and then they like made they made fun of me.

I'll just toot my own horn, but I got a different clown sprayer, and it's all the n-word.

What kind of clown just says the N-word?

Pennywise?

The S and Y's is a dollar sign.

No, it's

Damon Wise.

It is like

this name.

I don't understand why that was.

Pennywise?

Yeah, right.

Pennywise is a great pimp name.

Hey, bitch, let me spit it to you straight.

I ain't just wise.

I'm going to turn your asshole into a penny loafer.

All my bitches got pennies in they ass.

And the wise part?

It's because of knowledge.

Where does the wise part come from?

It's because I know that female genital mutilation is good.

His balloons are just heroin balloons in their assholes.

Well, we're done, actually.

Hold on.

Let me plug some dates, guys.

I'm doing fucking.

I'm coming to Baltimore the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the 22nd.

Don't fucking unplug it, you fucking cocktail.

Don't unplug it.

I mean, this show isn't, you know, your personal.

If you guys were to do fucking shows, you should plug them, too.

Not serious.

The 16th, I'm in fucking Boston.

Well, you said the thing about breakfast, and I'm still hurt by it.

The 16th.

You can't use the show to plug your shows.

Anyway, so yeah.

22nd,

before Thanksgiving, I'm in

Baltimore.

Sidebar.

23rd, he's at the hospital for

blowing out his appendix with crab legs.

December 3rd, I'm in Cleveland at Hilarities.

And on the 16th, I'm in Boston at the House of Blue.

So come get sucked off, everyone.

And then December 18th, custard.

That's all it says on his calendar.

For the whole week of the 18th, I will be doing backstrokes

Scrooge McDuck style in a pool of custard.

Intravenous custard.

No, I gotta taste that shit.

The man versus food comedy tour.

I would love that.

Wasn't that guy stand-up, actually?

No.

No, he wasn't.

Okay.

And then again, guys, because we said it on the premium, but we didn't say it on the main one.

On the 22nd of December.

Oh, yes.

At Black Cat, this is an announcement official.

It's a big announcement.

We're doing a live Come Town holiday spectacular extravaganza, our triumphant return to Washington, D.C.

from whence we came.

All three boys will be at the fucking Black Cat.

The Black Cat,

Friday, the 22nd of December.

Please come.

So I love the event.

Don't let the name fool you.

It will be a racially segregated event.

Oh, fuck.

And, oh, no, Funny Moms is yesterday.

Yeah, Funny Moms was two days ago.

But yeah, we'll be back after Thanksgiving for funny moms.

And Evan?

You can find my dates at EvanWilliamsComedy.com.

You can follow me on Twitter, Instagram.

At it's Evan Williams.

Oh, and he's Buffy.

He's cute as shit.

Brandon, you got anything you want to plug?

Yeah, but still.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Brandon's a podcast.

Brandon's got a podcast.

Can we shit on this for a minute, guys?

Oh, yeah.

Actually, no, we should.

We should give it a later.

Let's just listen to it.

I haven't listened to it.

I'm going to show it up.

What's the podcast, man?

What are you doing?

It's good.

It's good.

Yeah.

It's like sort of a socialist bad boy podcast.

There was no real space for that.

you know.

Nobody's doing that podcast.

He does it with this guy, Jack Wagner, who's the grandson of Versace Tamaguchi.

He's the grandson of the Wagner, the

German guy, the German composer.

I will say that somebody from the Come Town subreddit already made a subreddit for my podcast.

And

there's just one post, and it just says Brandon Wardell is racist.

Well, he's not wrong.

Well, he did just plug it on the show, so I hope,

damn.

No, everyone listen to it and don't be rude.

Yeah, go listen to it, subscribe, give it a five-star rating.

If he launches a Patreon, don't subscribe to that.

Brandon makes enough money.

Double down on us.

If he launched a Patreon,

he's going to, give us 10.

Maybe in a couple years when MTV gets tired of trying to turn Brandon into a household name,

then you can donate to his Patreon.

But as long as he's riding that, that, you know,

sneaker

rap.

No, he's out.

He's done.

I mean, they're not, you know,

I'm not working with MTV

at this current juncture.

Vice or what, you know, I don't know.

Logo or whoever the fuck.

We are going to go.

Logo, yeah.

Logo, yeah.

Bringing back the big day sketch show.

It's logo.

That's supposed to be like a deaf person saying homo, right?

Oh, that's true.

It's very inclusive.

Homo.

Yogo yegu.

Like Lou Ferrigna and Puffing Iron.

Oh, yo, yo.

Yeah.

You a fun voice to take us out, Evan.

I was doing it.

His dad was the best.

Louie, you're the best.

You like that?

You like something Michelangelo comes.

Look at you, Louis.

Louie.

Well, a classic app, everyone.

Thanks, Evan Williams.

All right, good bud.

What up?

Check him out.

All right.

Good night.

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