Ep. 71 – Bean reviews

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Okay, so we have I uh this is a

uh

not that they don't sponsor the show, this is 100% a totally natural endorsement.

Baby Bell minis,

the little cheeses

on top.

Yes, I was

intimidated by them as a kid because I don't know.

Me too.

This is hilarious.

The reason we're friends is the most retarded, like

those, yeah, the wax always kind of of didn't understand it either.

It didn't make sense to me.

And I tried to eat what happened was I was so intimidated.

You don't fucking eat the wax as a kid.

Yeah, exactly.

I was so intimidated.

I bought into the bit into the wax, and my friends made fun of me.

And I was like, I can never eat that.

Yeah, I know.

I didn't start eating that.

I was like, I'm not sure until I was an adult because I didn't understand that you're supposed to remove the wax.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

No, now that I'm back on, like, you know,

cycling all my shit and fucking counting calories.

Mini Baby Bell lights are like the best snack.

Lights.

Yeah, dude.

It's 50 calories.

Oh, it's like six grams of protein and five grams of fat.

I love it.

Yeah.

You want to be a paleo warrior?

Get some mini baby bell lights.

You can eat like nine of them, and it's like, you know,

negative edgeable.

Dog, I roasted another motherfucking damn pork shoulder, some squash.

I'm all on squash.

That's the fucking food of the fall for me, right?

What kind of butternut?

A butternut.

And I diced that bitch up.

I've been making squash fries and squash mash.

Dude, my own.

You know what's great?

You want to go paleo?

You want a nice low-carb alternative to spaghetti?

Fucking spaghetti spaghetti squash.

Spaghetti squash.

Which doesn't need more than just like a little bit of oil.

A little garlique.

Garlic oil.

And then if you throw that bitch in some fucking pasta sauce,

there's no difference.

Fuck spaghetti.

Yeah.

I'm out on spaghetti.

I love spaghetti.

I love noodles.

I mean,

that's why I can't go zero carb.

I can't wait to eat pasta.

Nah, fuck pasta.

I'm a rice.

I'm a motherfucking rice.

You come home from the gym, you suffer through whatever fucking bullshit, high-protein meal you have to eat.

Because I don't know about you guys, but when I go hard,

when I watch my Mark Wahlberg 2016 workout video and I copy the workouts in the gym,

I bring my iMac into the gym and I plug it in

from across the gym, watch Mark workout, and then I tape myself, and then

I use a green screen to edit myself, hanging out with Mark.

Yes.

My workflow is I do one set of bench, do one set of

motion, Apple motion, green screening myself in to hang out scenes with Mark Wahlberg.

And then I make myself three out of four of the brothers.

Yes.

And

not Donnie?

Anyways, when I get done with that kind of workflow,

I fucking, I have no appetite.

I have no appetite after working out.

Really?

I drink a protein shake just because it tastes good, but like to have to make like a fucking you know half a pound of chicken and like fucking broccoli and eat that shit sucks.

Broccoli can suck my heart.

Carbs, though, after working out are the fucking best.

I get tired from eating like chicken breasts or steak after working out.

Oh, no,

steak I'll eat whenever.

But then when I'm able to just fucking load up on either oatmeal or some nice whole wheat pasta, that's the best.

Oatmeal?

More like goat meal.

Yeah,

the greatest of all

to cereals.

So

I really want to make fresh pasta.

If you notice, Battlefield 1, they updated the game.

There's an update, and they took the black guy out of the game.

Oh, now I know.

It's a white guy, but he looks kind of like DSL.

He does have DSL.

He's Russian, so they had to make him look Asiatic.

But look at his gun, dude.

It's four guns.

Oh, fuck.

Cool.

Four barrels?

Yeah.

What kind of gun do you want if you had to have a gun?

Desert Eagle, big as my desert eagle.

Yeah, gold-plated desert eagle.

Have you ever seen a Desert Eagle in real life?

Hilarious.

They're fucking...

It's ridiculous.

Oh, I've never seen it in real life, but yeah, I'm lying.

Yeah.

Well, that's because you're a pussy.

Yeah.

You're one of those people that's like, oh, I would be afraid if I was even around a gun.

No, I want to shoot a gun.

If you've never snorted cocaine off a Desert Eagle, dude, then get the fuck.

We should go to a shooting eagle.

It's like, I would be terrified if I was around a gun.

I don't even know how.

It's like being around a fuck anything that's dangerous, you fucking idiot.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I still don't wouldn't want to be around a gun.

If you're a gun.

I want to shoot an AR, dude.

Yeah.

Those are

first of all, shooting an AR-15 is not fun.

Compare it.

If you go to it.

Here's a tip.

And this is a tip from an ignorant man that just likes to have fun.

So I know what I'm talking about.

If you're some gun fag out there that loves guns and you're like, no, absolutely not.

Here's what you need to do.

You're on R-slash guns?

Yeah, you already enjoy guns too much.

This is for the casual.

You don't know shit about guns.

You want to go to a shooting range and have a good time.

Because the shooting range is not fucking cheap.

You know, with the gun rental and all the fucking bullets,

it racks up pretty fucking quick to be inexpensive.

What if you BYOB, bring your own bullets?

That might save you a little bit of money.

We should make our own bullets.

I'm sure, but you buy the bullets at the gun store, which is usually like where the range is anyway.

The bullets are the expense.

I mean, if you bring your own gun, then maybe you can save a little bit of money.

You can steal a gun.

Yeah.

You can make your own bullets.

That's what I do.

You have that thing.

Isn't that in

fucking in Born?

Doesn't the guy have that?

He makes his own bullets?

There's a guy in one of those movies.

Maybe it's Red Dawn.

Okay.

In a movie.

There's a guy who makes his own bullets.

I want a movie.

All I use is holotips, bro.

That's it for me, dude.

He fucking hurts my enemies more.

Yeah.

I use holotips with uranium.

And then if it doesn't kill you, you'll get cancer 20 years later.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah.

What kind of weapons do you think the CIA has?

Don't they have like a gun that gives you a heart attack if you shoot it?

I don't know.

The CIA?

Yeah, dude.

The secret heart attack gun.

I've been talking to Tim Dylan a lot.

Why would the CIA need

to kill leaders?

Guns already kill people.

Yeah, but this is discreet.

You don't need that.

Dude,

the Russians fucking killed some

of their dirt.

Yeah, with

radioactive tea.

I know.

Pretty cool.

Yeah.

Anyhow, so if you you want to go to a gun range and have a good time, you get a 38 Magnum or a 44 Magnum if you can handle it.

44 Magnums is what I have on my nightstands from having sex.

A 0.38-inch penis is what you have.

No.

Magnum condoms, the big kind.

No, 0.38-inch penis.

Have you ever worn a Magnum?

Yeah, I couldn't tell a difference.

It falls off like a regular condom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They both just give away.

I think it's a marketing thing.

It totally is.

Whatever the difference is, it's negligible.

I like them because I like a baggy fit.

The way I wear my jeans.

I like my costumes, you know, a little extra room.

I love the sag.

Yeah, a little extra room.

Yeah.

No, but

yeah, you get a fucking Magnum,

any kind of revolver,

a handgun.

If you're going to shoot like a semi-automatic, you get like a 45,

you know, something fucking big.

Can you play 9mm bullshit?

Anything smaller than 9mm bullshit?

No.

Although, you know what I want to do?

Get a little fucking Saturday night special and just fucking practice grabbing it from my ankle and shooting an enemy.

Yeah.

You know?

Those are my favorite guns.

The little ass guns on your head.

The 38 snub nose.

What's the James Bond gun?

The PT Cruiser.

The PT Cruiser.

PT Cruiser.

Yeah.

It's a good-ass gun, dude.

I forget the name now.

The Walter PPK.

The Walter PPK.

That's right.

PP.

Tiny little,

gay, little British little.

Yeah.

We're going to take Adam to the shooting range, and they just give him, they take one look at him, and they just give him a piece of paper to give himself paper cuts with.

That's his weapon.

You just throw bullets.

And it ends up behind him.

The wind of draft comes.

That's a really good impression.

That's the best impression of Adam.

Like a wilting flower.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, dude, but that's how you have fun at the gun range.

You get the loudest fucking gun possible, and then don't even worry about hitting the target.

You know?

Because the real target is the other guys at the gun range.

You just show them up.

If you just pull that gun back, place it to their head, then you're the winner.

You win gun range.

How quick would you die if you did that at a gun range?

Immediately.

I don't know about me.

I know how quick they would die.

Yeah, instantly.

I guarantee you I could kill everyone in a gun range before they could take me down.

You're surrounded by good guys with guns.

What's that?

Out of gun range.

Remember that when you were a kid, you have like those fantasies.

The only thing they can stop.

That's the only thing that's happening.

As a kid, you felt like in your mind you knew how to disarm people.

Yeah, yeah, cheap.

You knew karate and shit.

Take the gun down.

Yeah, like what I would do, and I would backflip.

Yeah, do one of those running wall backflips.

Yeah, yeah.

I would break their arm.

I would do one of those Rey Mysterio, like, wrap my legs around their neck and like.

A Hurricane Rana?

A Hurricane Rana.

Adam would do the Xenia on a top.

For the bad, the, the

evil bond girl from GoldenEye.

Ah.

Adam has sex with the men together.

He squeezes them to death.

He would do the Xena Warrior Princess.

Adam likes to have sex missionary style.

Oh, yeah.

On the bottom.

Do you guys remember there was a lesbian plotline on that?

He wraps his leg around.

What show?

Xena Warrior Princess?

Oh, that was my absolute shit.

Lucy Long.

Lesbian with Gabrielle.

Gabrielle was hot, dude.

Yeah, Gabrielle was like her prison wife.

Yeah.

I guess prison husband?

No, no, Xena's the fucking

husband.

No, no, I mean, but in girl prison, how do they?

It's not like they fucking make a girl eat their pussy and they go, Yeah, you're a girl now.

Because you're already a girl.

Oh, yeah.

That's true.

Yeah, the one who gets their pussy eaten.

I guess if they become a child, is that the gender under woman?

Now you're five.

Your name's Tommy.

Say it, bitch.

Say it, child bitch.

My name's Tommy, and I want a drink of juice.

That's what I like to hear.

Because I want a drink of juice.

Does my pussy taste good?

Does my pussy taste like juice?

You better have a juice smile on your face for my juicy-ass pussy, Tommy.

You five-year-old bitch.

Juicy juice.

Yeah, I think you're right, Nick.

All lesbians actually want to be eaten out by little boys.

That's their fantasy.

No, I don't mean lesbians, dude.

I'm talking about prisoners.

Prison lesbians, yeah.

And they don't identify as lesbians.

They're straight.

Okay.

It's the women that they're raping that are

introducing

the five-year-olds.

Yeah.

They're pedophiles.

I'm not a pedophile.

No.

They're the pedophiles.

Absolutely.

Doing good

i love little kid lisps man this shit is so funny it's like talk normal bitch you know what i mean boys yeah kids with speech impediments yeah it's like that's me slapping them there's a fat little boy on my block with a speech impediment hell yeah who i saw doing a full split and rapping cardi b you told this story on the podcast i didn't tell it on the podcast i told you guys independently but it was very funny that rules yeah a little fat kid doing splits there's nothing like a fat little little gay kid.

A fat gay kid, the best.

I hope my son isn't a fat gay kid.

Yeah.

Not like his father before any of you tried, bitch.

Yeah, like his mother, you.

Ah!

Oh, fuck.

Damn it.

You're his mom.

You're pregnant.

Yeah.

That's a really good fence.

You're a bitch.

You're just misgendering people at the show last night.

Yeah, it was really rude, man.

It was fucked up.

Yep.

You called the trans bartender he.

Yeah.

No, I didn't.

You violated the number one rule of that bar.

No bullshit.

They got a sign.

The bar we do the show at, they have a sign in the bathroom that says, no racism, no transphobia, no sexism, no homophobia, no ageism.

No ageism.

Is ageism real?

Fuck old people.

Yeah.

Who cares, dude?

I mean,

yeah, it's real.

I mean, I can, I can, like, my grandpa's, like,

once you get to a certain age, it's like, you know, you're going to die soon.

Right.

And it's not like, maybe I got five good years left.

It's like two.

And it's like, yeah, I'm just going to, I'm like, the next thing, the next thing that's going to happen is I'm going to die.

Right.

The next big life.

It's not even like, I wonder what the new James Bond movie is going to be like.

It's like,

I'm not going to see that.

There's not going to be anything.

The only thing that can possibly happen next is that I die.

Damn.

I'll never know another iPhone.

Yeah, right.

Once you get to that point, it's like they're just miserable.

And he's lived a good life, you know?

I mean, he has a big family that he lords over with his shitty opinions,

which is all he ever wanted, you know, right?

Yeah, was to impose his

patriarchal will.

Yeah, right.

Have

an extended family of 20 people who he could yell at.

And it's like,

you know, he just doesn't seem happy, which is fucked up, you know.

My other grandma was like that.

She died.

My grandpa on the other side, he was just like done, like, you know, he had like a stroke or something.

He was in the hospital, and then he was just dead.

So he seemed okay.

But my other grandma, she spent like five years in a fucking nursing home, just slowly dying.

The nursing home is the worst.

Yeah, it's the worst.

I'm trying to get got.

If I'm in a nursing home, someone put two in the back of my head.

That's what everybody says, and then guess what happens?

You end up in the fucking nursing home.

Yeah, you will, not me.

I'm dying early.

I mean, if anyone's dying early, it's me and you.

Adam's going to live forever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's going to be amazing.

Adam's going to be one of those guys that starts getting plastic surgery.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to look like Phil Spector, dude.

His stupid hair and your fucking stupid earring.

Looking a little Chinese.

Yeah, right.

Because your eye, you still

are so cool.

That's my favorite.

Look at that collagen lip injection.

It's like I'm huge.

You know, those old guys that are still trying to dress like it's fucking 1985 or whatever.

They have the shitty mullet, you know, like haircut and the shitty sunglasses.

And they're like, God, I was actually cool back in the day.

No, you tried to be.

Right.

And you weren't.

Yes.

All the cool guys died.

Exactly.

That's why you're still alive.

That's my favorite friend Leibowitz take, where she talks about, like, how every gay guy now is a fucking loser because anyone who was cool had got AIDS and died.

That is so fucking good, man.

She fucking, she's funny as shit.

Yeah, she rules.

Man, that's true.

We were robbed of the best gay guys.

I know I shouldn't be playing Battlefield during the show.

Yeah.

Hold on.

This is the new update.

It's in the name of the Tsar.

All right, try and do

one kill.

Tsar.

Czar, you said that.

No, but it's the Russian one.

Not Tsar.

It's T-S-A-R.

That's Tsar, bitch.

That's czar.

Still Tsar?

Yes.

It's a different spelling, you fucking moron.

No,

it's derived from the same word, which is Caesar.

Tsar.

You think it's pronounced Tsar?

It's Tsar, my man.

It's Tsar Nicholas.

Yeah, dude.

The Tsar.

Is that Anastasia's dad?

It's George V's cousin, I think, or George VI.

Yeah, that was fucked up.

All kings and shit were just like cousins.

Yeah, before World War I.

Yeah, and that's what all

the other people are there.

Yo, you fucking looked at my girlfriend at Thanksgiving?

I'm going to fucking kill a quarter of all the men in your country under the age 18.

Holy shit, dude.

Monarchies are fucking gay as shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, they gave us a Greek king just to like chill us out after the thing.

It was just some German guy.

After World War II, the fuck are you going to give us a king?

It was after

the Revolution.

So like after in the 1800s, I guess.

I don't fucking remember that.

That's my favorite shit.

I put a little checker on the tip of my dick, and then I hit the back wall, and I go, king me, bitch.

And then I come immediately.

She goes, yeah, that wasn't in pleasure.

That hurts.

Please get the checker out of my pussy.

Oh, man.

This guy just cut my head off.

That was fucking tight.

That was cool.

He fucking sworded your ass.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Fuck the czar.

There weren't swords in World War II.

World War I was the last sword.

I bet you they got a couple swords in the mix.

Like an old-fashioned guy who loved his swords.

Like, I think for maybe dress uniforms, people would have swords.

Yeah, and every once in a while.

There's still swords now.

Yeah, they're like little knives.

What are you talking about?

No, not bayonets.

Bayonets, dude.

You talking about just straight-up swords?

Yeah.

Like, World War I, dudes had swords.

World War I, dude, that must have sucked so much, dick.

Just being in trenches, everyone's got fucking your feet smell bad,

you know.

Everyone's got it's fucking moldy as fuck.

There's probably the porridge is bad, too.

Probably eating that shit with water.

I don't know.

You're not having milk porridge.

Where the fuck are you getting a milk in that trench?

The Civil War was the best.

They just lived off hardtack.

It's just like a spoiled saltine.

It's like, well, time to go try and not die for 18 straight hours off shitty crackers.

Fucking Civil War rules.

I love in the Ken Burns documentary, the guy who's like writing a letter to his dad.

And he has like a fucking,

he has like one day of battle.

He got shot under one ear and the bullet came out like the front of his face.

Oh.

They just like put a band-aid on it.

Oh my god, dude.

He fucking just went back to war.

Fuck, dude.

That's what I know what I'm thinking.

And when you have a bullet go through your fucking head and you're like, I'm not dead, you're like, I'm going home, boys.

Yeah.

They're like, no, actually.

We're going to just.

Listen, man, if you want slavery to keep going, I mean, if you're as devoted to states' rights as that guy, it's because here's the thing, heritage, not hate.

Yo, apparently,

this is something I heard recently.

I had heard this from someone else.

The South, the CSA, had way more amputees

from overdressing wounds.

Because they had

to say, I don't think it's fair to say that the Confederacy was hate-based.

It was about slavery, but it's like slavery was just a thing going on then.

And it's not like they hated

they didn't hate him.

They loved the idea of not having to work.

It's not like...

You know, I mean,

a guy today that's pro-slavery is much worse than a guy

in 1860 that was pro-slavery.

Well, you could take the other approach, which is saying that they didn't necessarily like black people all that much in the North.

They were just opposed to the institution of slavery.

How is that a funny take to have?

No, I'm just saying that's like a more appropriate slave.

Yeah, wow.

Good point, Adam.

Welcome to Seventh-grade Revelations with Adam Friedland.

Oh, I got a professional comedian.

Have you ever wondered,

really?

Dude, what about our founding fathers?

They were good guys, though, right?

Yeah.

No, dude, they owned slaves.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

I was just disappointed to find out that all the Mount Rushmore guys weren't actually that big.

That's how you got to be president if you were a giant.

That's the biggest guy.

It was like, well, I guess it's fucking this guy.

The only guy with a big-ass head.

Yeah.

Yeah, Paul Bunyan.

His ox was up once.

He lost a fucking.

What a stupid story.

Paul Bunyan, his blue ox?

Yeah,

that's what entertainment was before television in America.

People tell them.

Check this out.

There was a huge guy one time.

Do you ever hear about that?

And he had a fucking cow, but guess what?

It was a fucking blue cow.

The cow is blue, and he used to pick the cow up.

Dude.

And anyways, that's how the Great Lakes were created,

his footsteps.

You don't like that story?

I got another one for you.

There was a guy

John Henry who got beat by a machine.

You think Paul Bunyan ever used the fucking geysers as a fucking bidet?

That's pretty cool.

You know, he just puts his asshole on the fucking.

That would be sick.

How about a volcano?

Out of colonial?

A hot bidet.

Did they make those?

A hot bidet?

You get them pretty hot.

Holy shit.

I feel like I've been in straight-up inventor mode the last couple months.

I've had so many good ideas.

Name one.

The aromatic disfuser that has a bunch of base smells in a carousel in it, and then it's hooks up to.

Is the mic picking up?

You're just laying it on your chest?

Yeah, it's picking up.

Here, let me check.

Yeah, that works.

Damn it.

Stop, if you get me killed, you have to understand I'm in battle right now.

Yeah, Nick has been playing from the moment he mentioned Battlefield, he has been playing Battlefield.

I was hiding in an attic for a while.

That's a cool.

You know what?

We're going to do my Name of the Tsar review here.

Czar.

Name of the Tsar review.

Czar, you fucking.

They have an attic you can hide in.

Very realistic.

And interesting.

Just like that's what Adam does whenever he plays every one.

Yeah, that was, you know, it's my opinion that that was World War II, actually.

People should have known that the Nazis were coming based on Germany's helmet choices in World War I.

That rules.

God, it sucks how cool the evil guys' uniforms always are.

Were they evil in World War I?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, I've had the hunchback.

That just goes to show that, like, there's, you have a subconscious understanding that our entire notions of good and evil are reversed.

The good guys embrace skulls and spikes and snakes and stuff like that.

That's why it's cool.

That's why a part of you knows deep down that you would much rather be in a shiny SS uniform.

You're talking straight stylistically?

Stylistically.

Hugo boss, SS?

Dude, I tried on a Hugo boss suit and I look like fucking shit.

And then salesman.

That's how you know you're not a real person.

The salesman was this like sexy Spanish guy who was in really good shape.

And he's trying to sell me a fucking $1,200 suit, which i'm not buying right and he's like you know it just looks bad on me and he's like yes maybe we'll try a different one see you have me and you we have the same body type so they want to look good on you and it's like they just trained you to say that we have the same body type you're like

a much better looking person than i am yeah you get that's funny that when you're at a certain kind of fat people will stop even respect won't even lie to you i was like i was trying on a suit and i was like yeah you know i can go with this one i i think maybe this size or maybe the smaller size.

You know, I'm planning to lose a little weight.

And the guy was like, yeah, I've heard that one before.

And it's like, what the fuck?

I'm trying to buy a suit.

He's just like, that's calling me a fucking lie.

I got a suit for you.

You're like, this is a camping tent.

That's what happened to me when I tried, because I'm trying to buy a bike.

By the way, if anyone has a free bike they want to give me in New York City, New York City.

I'm going to Chinatown after this.

When I lived in Chinatown, I used to live in Bowery and Canal, and it's like right at the mouth of the fucking Manhattan Bridge.

Yo, yes, yes.

And some guy comes barreling down the Manhattan Bridge and then down Bowery, and he's just looking at everyone on the sidewalk, and he's riding this bike, screaming,

bike, $5, $5, bike, $5.

He had just stolen that shit.

$5 bike.

Let me out.

I got it.

That fucking rules.

My neighbors, the bike thieves, are having a big bike sale, right?

A big bike blow up.

Should we go over there?

Do you see the sign?

I want to see.

Do you see the sign they put on?

That Honda Nighthawk they got.

That fucking like.

The motorcycle?

That's not fun.

Yeah, that mid-80s.

Who owns all those bikes?

They're these like two

cool motorcycle guys.

That's a great name for a bike.

Nighthawk.

Oh, two motors.

There's about to be three cool motorcycle guys.

I know.

Stars are fucking guy number three.

Oh, now you're going to be a motorcycle?

I was a motorcycle guy.

I thought you were making fun of it.

I was making fun of you because you'd look like a fucking idiot on a motorcycle.

Why would I look like an idiot?

A much stronger man

with a mustache?

You guys are both going to die on a motorcycle.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Well, yeah, I'm not going to wear a helmet, obviously.

Yeah, because then you're a fucking bitch.

Damn, dude.

So for fucking.

Wait, whoa, look at that guy, McDraw Dog.

He's killed by someone with tin.

His AVI is a lady with his AVI.

AVI, yeah.

Yeah, everybody, update your AVI.

Is it what is it?

It's Avvi.

Avi?

Yeah, for Avatar.

It's not an acronym.

AVI stands for Audio-Visual.

Renal Vaginal intercourse.

Oh, done.

Come on.

Oh, like a phile type.

Or like a phile type?

That's what the what?

When you're like shit in a woman's pussy?

Yeah, exactly.

When you fucking go ass to ass with her.

Ass to pussy, like in the.

That's how I have sex.

That's the ultimate sexual assault.

Do you think there's a straight guy, straight in quotes, an Adam, who uses a dildo and puts it in his ass, and he fucks his wife while his wife puts it in her pussy?

Like they go ass to ass.

Double-sided?

Yeah.

Taking a shit in the pussy is the ultimate That's alpha move.

No, that's like

the highest crime, I think.

It's got to be difficult.

I mean, that's got to be gaping.

It's got to be a big thing.

It's got to have a bigger thing.

Not diarrhea, but like a mushy turn.

You got to be a top-tier sex.

You got to be Cosby to do that shit.

Cosby probably did that.

Yeah.

I think you need some

funnel.

You need mushy shit.

Boulders.

That your dick doesn't work so good.

You see, when you become an old man, it doesn't work.

So, what you would do is you would put the pill in the drink.

I would pull down the pants.

I would put my ass up to a pussy and I would take a shit in the pussy.

I would put the two holes together, and I would take the shit out of my ass

directly into her vagina.

You see,

is what you would do.

Thank you, brother.

Thank you for that.

Yeah, man.

I'm waiting to respawn.

What's he up to, man?

What's the cause up to?

Has he cleared his name against these basic accusations?

Yeah.

Zabinis.

Now I've been cleared of all charges.

So what I've been doing is

putting my ass directly up to a child's mouth to see that it took a shit out of my ass.

Now that's definitely child abuse.

Is it molestation?

No, I don't know.

That's an interesting question.

Somebody told me they were in the middle of the moment.

Somebody told me in a child's mouth.

No, no, not pussy mouth.

Somebody told me last night that Charlie in the chocolate factory, Charlie was originally supposed to be supposed to be a black dude.

Chocolate Charlie in the factory.

That's good.

That's good.

Dang.

But

I started thinking about Chocolate Charlie in the factory as soon as he said that.

And I didn't hear the real reason as to why they didn't make him black because it's a book.

So you could just say nothing and he could be anything.

Right.

I don't remember pointing that book where they're like, Charlie,

who is white, by the way, went to the factory with his grandfather.

That's the magic of literature.

In fact, any book I read, I assume the characters are black women.

Yep.

You know?

Yep.

I was shocked when I saw Terry Potter.

Voldemort, black woman.

Yeah.

Voldemort is almost a black woman's name.

Yeah.

Voldemort is sort of of like an androgynous black, like

singer.

Like

a Cisco singer, kind of.

Voldemort.

Yeah.

The Mort is the hard part, but Vold,

you could get that in the mix with a black lady's name.

Volvamort.

There we go.

Yeah, Volvimort, you know, it's like his nose.

Your nose looks like two pussies.

Volvamort.

I don't know anything about Harry Potter.

Some.

It's good.

I'm backing off to this one.

Wow, dude.

You read all the Harry Potters?

Yeah, baby.

I'm an HP boy.

Hewlett Packard.

Hewlett HB boy.

Yeah, I thought it was about Hewlett Packard.

I read them too, I guess.

I just had to remember.

Did I tell you that story about

my

community college, and there was this large, retarded man that was attending classes there, and it wasn't me.

If that's what you were thinking.

No, and they had a fucking.

No, you said large, not a little ass fucking

retarded bitch.

Strong,

mentally retarded.

No, they had a big retarded guy there, and you know, I'd always see him there, and he had this stack of papers, and he was sitting, and it was a windy day, and a gust of wind blew all his papers all over the place.

He's like, oh no, you know, I felt bad, and so I'm like running around trying to pick up all these fucking papers with like the breeze going by.

And then, like, I've got them, I'm like, helping him, I get like a stack of them.

I look down, and he's just printed off a list of every Pokémon.

I thought it was like work or something.

Holy fucking shit.

I was like,

not anything.

Holy shit, that is better than every joke I was thinking to make.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was going through the options, my friend.

And if there's no information about them, it is just the names

that rules.

No pictures?

No pictures.

The list of names.

Is it alphabetical?

Oh, I don't remember.

I don't know.

I don't think

the Pokémon list is in alphabetical.

You're right.

It's in order.

Wasn't there a song in the Pokemon show where they'd sing the names of all the Pokemon?

I don't think so.

No.

Not the theme song.

No, the theme song is you're going to be the very

best there ever was.

Take the time to learn the test, and then you will become

Pokemon.

That is you.

And now you're a Pokémon.

You weren't one, and now you are a polka man.

That's exactly how the theme song goes.

Oh, yeah.

What's up with Misty, though?

Who would you fucking Pokemon the most?

Misty?

There's Misty, there's Nurse Joy, there's the Rocket Lady.

I didn't really

poke him on.

Nurse Joy, dude, the fucking nurse, dude.

Come on.

I don't remember.

Misty was a child, wasn't she?

She was not a fucking child.

Adam's into children.

I can't wait until Adam goes down like Anthony Weiner.

What are you talking about?

That's going to happen.

Adam's going to be sexing with some fucking 15-year-old.

There's also been a picture of Adam hard in a bed with Anthony Weiner's son.

Yeah.

That was consensual.

Anthony, you said I could.

Tony, I hate it had to be you.

He ruined the whole world, man.

Yeah.

You've been trying to get that bit going for a while.

That one didn't do too hot at the show last night.

It was okay.

Not too hot.

All right.

Yeah, it wouldn't.

To ruin the world.

There's a nice little delivery, that weird inflection you chose to do on that bit.

Oh, that's cool.

He didn't really ruin the world.

I think that's a pretty big stretch, you know.

Well, the Comey letter was because of him.

Yeah, but Comey was reopening the investigation 10 days before the world.

My man wanted to do some dirt, dude.

I don't know what James was up to, but

if it wasn't Wiener, it would have been something else.

Nah, Comey made it clear

when he didn't recommend charges that he felt that Hillary Clinton should lose the election, but shouldn't face charges.

And that's like he more or less said that when he said, if this had been someone in my organization, I would not recommend charges, but they would lose their job.

And the job being President of the United States.

Fuck Comey, dude.

Fuck me.

That's all.

He likes to spelled it out.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I wasn't paying too much attention to the news.

Yeah.

I'm not one of those fucking reading fucking bitches, unlike somebody.

But you just said you read all the Harry Potter books.

Yeah, yeah.

This week.

Stuff about

cool stuff about wizards and magic, not fucking nerd shit.

The fantasy for you is that a broom could fit in between your legs.

Use your fat thighs.

It can fit.

What do you think?

No, impossible.

There's never been any air travel from your knees up.

I have a thigh gap, dude.

No, you don't.

I have that sexy ass BBW thigh gap.

That Ashley Graham shit.

She is thigh gap?

Oh, on the show.

Impossible.

On the show a couple weeks ago,

I said that Tess Holiday.

No, now I'm confused again.

London Andrews.

I said London Andrews,

Texas.

Was unattractive.

Yeah, she's not.

I meant Tess Holiday.

Oh, I don't know Tess Holiday.

London and holiday I confused for some reason.

Because they go on.

That's what vacation is.

That's great.

Why don't we say that?

That's funny.

Holiday go on holiday.

I'm going a holiday, though.

That's cool.

Anytime I go to the bank, I say I'm on Jewish holiday.

Yeah, it's Rush's Sean every time I deposit a check.

Is that Atonement?

Which is what Rush Rush is

Yom Kippur.

Yeah.

Yum.

Yum.

I love that Simson.

So long where Skinner's just on the phone.

He's like, well, I understand the child's parents are angry, Superintendent, but I mean, come on, it sounded so made up.

Yom Kippur?

That is really fucking good.

Yeah.

Penis Mon.

How about that one?

Yeah.

Penis Mon.

You've got to stick your dick inside of your own dad.

Bum bum bum bum.

Get your dad's dick card and then suck him on.

Pokemon, it's a show about fucking your dad.

I know you think it's about animals.

You fucking daddy.

But the truth is, there's a bunch of subliminal messages that tell you to fuck your dad.

Pokémon, then you accept the theme song.

The theme song is pretty explicit.

You are supposed to fuck your dad after watching the show.

Fuck your dad.

Oh, fuck you, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get back to you.

You're good at singing.

You are, man.

Yeah, that was the high notes.

Thanks.

Let's get back to who you would fucking Pokemon.

So, Misty.

Charizard.

There's Charizard.

He'd burn your dick clean.

He'd burn your dick clean.

Dude, I want a lava bidet and I want to fuck Charizard.

I would fuck a foil Charizard Japanese.

Yeah, no, you fuck Jarizard.

Oh, yeah, the fucking holographic

Charizard.

Big-titted blackface Pokemon.

Yes.

Were there any other Pokemons with tits?

Hmm.

I don't know.

Jigglypuff.

Jigglypuff.

Dude,

some of the later Pokemon.

There's one now that's just a bit more.

I would fuck Snorlax while he's passed out.

Oh, whoa.

Snorlax got Spanish Fly.

How about Horlax?

Horlax.

How about she was asking for?

Yep.

Horlax.

Wasn't that Cosby thing also that he'd make them take a shower?

He liked wet hair.

How dare he?

That is the worst part of what he did.

You're right.

It's not the worst part, but it's a really strange detail.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, you don't think rapists are like big on hygiene, I guess.

It's not even hygiene, it's just wet hair.

It's like a wet hair fetish.

Do you like wet hair?

I'll take some wet hair.

I like a fresh.

I'm not.

Look, of all the things to disagree with Cosby on, fucking someone with wet hair.

With wet hair is fucking fucking fucking.

I would love to be groomed like an emperor every day.

Yeah.

I wonder how much that costs.

I want silk sheets and I want to be groomed every day.

Damn, dude.

Yeah.

That'd be awesome.

Every day, somebody just fucking.

It's like you're at a hotel.

That's what I'm trying to live like, dude.

That would be awesome.

I stayed in a hotel.

I didn't even stay in a hotel.

I stayed in like

quarters, like off base.

Well, not it was on a military base, but like just where they quarter you if you

coming in from a different base or whatever.

For the wedding or whatever?

Yeah, for my cousin's wedding.

And

it's like, man, fuck.

I have the money to buy a bed now.

I shouldn't be living like shit.

You need a servant, dude.

I do.

I need a slave.

I save the money by just getting a slave.

Which I found out is okay as long as they're from the Filipinos.

Well, it's okay, but you have to write a think piece about it.

Oh, you do.

Do you want to do that after?

20 years after.

Yeah, yeah.

Man, I just can't stand how white people don't get like culture.

It's different.

It's about culture.

You want to compare slavery to

imprisoning someone in your house and making them work for no money for their entire lives?

Like, there's any comparison between the two?

Nope.

What happens to black people?

What happens to smaller people?

The Filipino word for slave is actually

similar to grandma.

Happy friend.

So it makes it okay.

And there's certainly no word in English, definitely not mammy, that's even close to me.

So a similar concept doesn't exist in English.

God, I love that shit.

I didn't even bother to read that shit because I don't give a fuck at all.

You know, those are the kinds of moments where I just have like the biggest shit-eating.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

This fucking dumb culture that tries to excuse everything.

Right, exactly.

Nicole Mullen IRO.

Just a deep sigh and then, like, saying the horrible shit you did.

And they'd be like, but I feel bad about it, so it's fine.

It's not white people, it's not a Holocaust.

Why people?

Yeah.

Why can't you understand that when we take out all of

the lesser race Filipinos into the woods and cut off their heads with machetes?

It's because of

the

holiday.

It's a beautiful holiday we're having.

Yep.

I don't know.

Something like that.

That's the original recipe for

what's a Filipino food?

Well, it's just like that church.

Lumpia.

Lumpia.

Yeah.

It's like that shooting.

Filipino food is popping.

There was a shooting in a church in Nashville this week.

Yeah, that's Southern culture.

That's Southern heritage.

Well,

it was

a Sudanese guy.

Well, I thought Trump would tweet about it, but he just stayed going on with the fucking

NFL shit, which is like, Trump, that was a golden opportunity for you.

I know.

There's a Sudanese guy that shot up like a church or whatever.

Fox was like the only people covering it.

New York Times covered it, but like wasn't linking it to it anywhere on their page, their front page.

And then in the related stories, it was all just Dylan Roof stuff

because it was like...

Church shit.

Sudan's in the travel ban.

It's one of the

things.

But he came like 30 years ago.

I know he did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what happened?

The Sudanese guy shot up a church.

He shot up a church.

And he's probably just crazy based on his Facebook posts.

Ooh, what was he?

A lot of Rick and Morty stuff?

Yeah.

He was all.

He shouted, I'm Pickle Rick before he shot up the place.

Man, Rick and Morty's funny, but I really don't like people that look culture.

It fucking rules.

The show is incredible, but it was amazing.

Yeah, it sucks, Dick.

Dan Harmon is fucking awesome.

A lot of bacon guys

are now, you know what I mean?

Like a lot of bacon guys are now Rick and Morty guys.

Yeah, of course.

Chive guys are Rick and Morty guys, unfortunately.

A lot of four of the win guys.

Oh, yes, brother.

Well, anything good is immediately ruined by people that suck.

Yeah.

Well, most people, fans of anything, America.

Slavery.

There were a couple of good.

Early on,

some of those guys.

Wait, who are you mean?

The slaves or the slave owners?

Eugene

Eustace Sims III.

He was a good guy.

Yeah.

Early 1800s.

He was doing a lot of pretty cool stuff.

The slavery.

I like the earlier stuff.

Yeah.

The early slavery hats.

I'm into like early era chattel slavery.

You know, before it got bad.

Yeah.

Before they're, you know, making

dogs and stuff.

That's when

it had more of like sort of like a commune feel.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, I love it.

Those are my favorite takes where it's like, look, they had a place to stay.

They preferred being out.

They got a lot of vitamin D.

It's like, Jesus fucking Christ.

That's still happening.

You're still making that argument.

Well, my favorite is the argument where it's like, well, it's a lot better than the jungles of Africa.

And it's like,

just your mental image of Africa is like a 20-square-foot area filled with snakes and giants.

And they were just scared.

It's like the rainforest cafe in your mind.

Which, like, there are parts of the world like that with people that live there, but the people that live there are all like four foot seven and they do nothing but like wait till they turn 12 so they can go through a ritual where they shove ants down their dick hole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, like, you wouldn't want those people as slaves.

They have those cool hairs.

Because they would just be shoving ants in their dick all day and not doing

strong.

They have those cool like Lego man haircuts, though.

Yeah, they're all like Malazonian guys with those little like black

Chinese almost hair, but it's like in a bob.

I think they're

all like give each other bull cuts and put bullet ants in their fucking ass and become a man.

There's something like less than 10 tribes that have have absolutely no contact with the outside world and still have had no contact with the outside world.

And they're all in like the Amazon Congo or whatever.

Yeah.

Simple, dude.

Just unplug.

You should go.

Tribe number one, Brooklyn hipster.

hipster.

Oh,

fuck, dude.

Yeah.

You want to talk about being out of touch?

Yeah.

Everyone who lives in Brooklyn except me.

Yeah.

Me, I'm different.

Yeah, I'm the cool one.

A guy with a podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

Even though we embody

every horrible stereotype

that is a professional podcast.

On paper, that's like vomit and tears.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.

Not from Brooklyn.

Exactly.

Not from as a human.

A guy who lives literally on a way to get a 20-something.

Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna get a bunch of people.

We're gonna go get a massage.

We're gonna get a track bike.

We're going bicycle and fucking essential oil diffuser shopping.

We fucking suck dick, dude.

I mean, you're bicycle shopping.

I'm going to get rubbed down by a Chinese man.

You know, I was intimidated by going to Chinatown to get a massage because I didn't want it to turn into a jack-off thing.

But you can just go have a man do it.

Yeah, and the man jacks you off.

And it's not.

No, they've got stronger hands.

It's a better massage.

It feels good.

Yeah, they know their way around around a cock because they have their hands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They know what guys like.

Yeah, they know what guys like.

Yeah, exactly.

Their forearms are strong from driving that big wheel in the bus that they moonlight is

a funguah driver.

I remember one time in high school, me and my friends were like out in the desert smoking.

No, no, my friend, my friend.

Oh, that's what you guys call this?

Smoking weed?

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay, my friend, my friend.

You put a blunt in your ass?

Yeah.

We're going to pass around

Ben's J,

his giant dick.

We're all gonna smoke an L.

A long

smoothie.

Anyway, so you guys are having gay child sex.

Oh, no, it's not funny anymore.

So there's five children sucking each other's cocks in the deserts of Las Vegas.

No, sorry, dude.

I'm not gonna.

This is what you get for saying shut up.

I never said shut up.

You just said shut up.

You say shut up, it becomes twice, you get twice

the tip of the spear.

I got a tip of the spear for you, pal.

Do you?

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute.

You have a sharp dick?

Kind of.

That'd be good.

I have kind of a triangle.

Because it pulls back, because the foreskin pulls back.

It's sharper than you.

You get shit

after sex stuck in that thing?

No, you rinse it out sometimes.

I mean, maybe.

You got to fold it back and rinse it out.

You get period stuff stuck in there ever.

What do you use, like a Q-tip and go around that?

Yeah, how do you clean that shit?

How do I clean it?

You guys are going foreskin cleaning tips?

Yeah, I'm interested in how you're going to get it.

Just get a nice warm washcloth, you know?

Fucking post-war.

A hotel towel.

Is that what you're saying?

A washcloth.

A hotel towel.

You know what I would like?

I would like to get my sack cinched up.

You know?

You want it smaller?

Have a permanently tight sack.

Like, it's cold all the time.

Dave Chappelle had that thing about getting Botox and getting smooth balls and then putting a smiley face on them, which is pretty good.

Yeah.

But you're talking smaller.

You just want it small and tight.

Yeah, it's a nice, small, tight tight.

High and tight.

Yeah, so it looks like my balls are fucking ripped.

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you want to draw little abs on your balls?

I want abs on the bottom of my dick.

I think that would be pretty cool.

Yeah,

I know exactly what you mean.

I want to get to have my regular abs continue all the way down the front of my dick.

Ooh.

So I just look like an alligator.

Whoa, that's cool.

And you have a bumpy little ridge dick for her pleasure.

Yeah, well, for my pleasure to look at.

To look at my many abs.

Would you beat off to your own dick if it had abs?

How do you do that?

You would look at it while beating off.

You'd just be like, nice.

Oh, I already do that.

Nice.

You already look at your business.

Jungoff in the mirror,

of course.

Is that what the bodybuilding thing is about?

Everybody does that.

No.

I do.

Look at porn to just get hard, and then you look in the mirror.

Yeah.

The porn is to get you started.

It's a catalyst.

And once you're in American psycho, and then you sync up with all the sex scenes and flex in the mirror and look at yourself and then look back at Christian Bale and then look at yourself.

That shit is so funny when you're doing the doggy style flex thing into camera.

Oh my god.

It's hilarious.

That's me.

It's a good movie.

Have you ever filmed the sex?

A sex test?

No.

Have you ever filmed the sex?

That's a funny way to say that.

Yeah, dude.

Filmed the sex.

That's the sex.

That's hilarious.

Remember when people were saying the sex?

Oh, that's just the sex.

Yeah.

That shit sucked.

Wait, people were saying like, yeah, that's the sex.

Yeah.

Like, saying it was cool.

Like, the shit.

Yeah.

It was horrible.

That's the sex.

That's the sex.

You know what?

I'm going to start saying it.

What is that?

Like a Reddit thing?

I don't know.

It's like a nerd thing.

No, it's a black guy thing.

It's a black guy thing?

You think I wouldn't have disrespect for it.

Yeah, a lot of respect.

I was going to start saying tremendous respect.

I don't think it was a black guy thing.

It was.

The sex?

That's the only who I heard say it.

Hmm.

Was it a DC thing?

It was not a Baltimore thing.

It was more like I always associated kind of with online nerds, actually.

Sounds pretty nerdy.

I remember distinctly only hearing black guys say that.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Well, pound off in the comments, guys.

Let us know who you are.

Let us know who invented that's the sex.

And I'm sure, personally, I'm sure it was black people.

And I'm sure that it was taken from them.

It was appropriate.

It created.

Yep.

Which I can't stand.

I don't like your negative.

You know, I don't know about your sarcastic tone when you say stuff like that, because the truth is

a lot of culture has been appropriated from African Americans.

I think plenty.

Well, check your tone, man.

I thought of a really fucked-up joke that I feel like I can't even say on the podcast.

Wow, that's going to be pretty bad.

I'm saving for after.

All right, cool.

It's a good one, though.

I believe it.

I see the smile on your face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got the same smile when you say a slur.

Right.

From which I'm guessing.

No, it's actually no slur in it.

Oh, interesting.

It's an extremely offensive slur.

Your mind makes you do the slurring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, your mind doesn't make you do it.

It's a really bad thing, it's on the par with the pounded warrior thing.

It took me months to build up the courage to say,

oh, fuck, dude.

You see Trump tweeting about Pat Tillman the other day?

Yeah.

Which is like,

the government should just not acknowledge.

Like, the president should never talk about Pat Tillman.

He was killed by his own guys.

Yeah.

He got guys.

Friendly fire.

Imagine it was a guy like you.

He was a fucking hero.

It was like a sort of an Adam character.

You know, you're like, you know, the Percy in the Green Mile?

Yeah.

The guy that just really wants to execute somebody, but he pisses his pants.

You're like him.

You know what you're like?

You're like from Battlefield Earth, that guy?

Dude, I love Battlefield Earth.

I've never seen it.

I would love to watch it.

Oh, we should do that.

We'll go buy the bicycle, come back here.

Too many activities.

It's bicycle shopping dates.

You're going on a date?

Battlefield Earth.

What's with these fucking noon dates you go on?

He's going on a nighttime date.

He already said he was.

Well,

what time are you going on a date?

I got a fucking dude.

What do you want?

My whole schedule?

I don't know what time it is.

We're going to have a nice afternoon.

But I'm not coming back to watch Battlefield Earth.

I got to clean my room.

Yeah, I mean, Battlefield Earth is it.

The last time I watched it, I was drinking, which was, you know, it's perfect.

I did a drinking game where you take a shot every time John Travolta fakes laughs.

So you're drunk.

You're drunk immediately.

Three minutes.

Dude, I want to see that so bad.

You've never seen it?

I've never seen it.

I'm going to fucking pull it up.

It's a special.

Yeah, I used to actually.

When I was like 12, I used to rent that movie all the time.

Man-animal.

Yeah.

How the blast do you know about that, man-animal?

That's a line in that movie.

Man-animal?

I used the humans man-animals.

How the blast do you know about that, man-animal?

Oh, yeah.

And then the aliens are just people with dread loss.

And the idea is that that's how Scientology started.

Barry Pepper in a starring movie.

Barry Pepper, that's Percy, right?

Which is like, no, Barry Pepper is not Percy.

Who's Percy in the Green Mile?

That's what I was asking.

Some little sniveling weasel.

Barry Pepper may be in the Green Mile, but is one of the other Scientists.

Such a great name.

Barry Pepper is such a good name.

No, it's a sick name.

David Morse is one of the guards.

Michael Clark Duncan.

Michael Clark Duncan.

So you're saying I'm like Michael Clark Duncan.

No.

From the Green Mile.

I'm magic.

You're like the guy who kills Michael.

Hulking.

Duncan.

No, you're a bitch.

You're like Iago the parrot, but with the personality of Iago from Shakespeare.

Sam

from

Sam Rockwell.

The merchant of Venice?

No.

No, Sam Rockwell was great in that movie.

Oh, dude.

I saw Sam Rockwell in the East Village about a year ago, and I followed him for a couple of blocks.

That's cool.

He was probably really happy that you did that.

Yeah, I got up real close and I breathed Tevio in the back of his neck.

And you were like, I fucking love.

This is in illegal.

I loved Chuck.

I loved your two-second scene in the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

My favorite work is Casey?

My favorite work is.

Who's the hockey mask guy in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

No, that guy's got a weird knock.

Yeah, it's Casey Jones as a character, and he's played by.

Casey Casem.

Ah, fuck.

Elias Codius, Coddus.

Ooh, sounds like a Greek man.

Yeah, I think he's Greek.

Elia.

Elia Kazan?

Yeah.

The snitch.

Codius or something like that.

This guy, Elia Kazan, like a film director.

He's a director.

He ratted on all these communists.

Oh, McCarly.

Fuck, was he Greek?

Piece of shit.

I think he was.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Classic.

Yeah.

No, he's the reason that Hollywood had a bunch of people.

Jesus Christ.

His daughter's an actress now, Zoe Kazan.

She's like a really annoying Hillary person.

I'm like, show yourself a daughter.

But she's worse than her dad.

No, Sam Rockwell.

Sam Rockwell's in

the original Teenage Meeting.

How the fuck is that?

As just for like Teenage Management Management.

Fuck, he was Greek.

Elliot Kazan?

God damn it.

Hell yeah.

Not us.

Fuck.

Not us.

Not us.

Not us.

Oh, that's sick.

God damn it.

Kazanzoglu was his original name.

Oh, I wonder why I changed it.

God damn it, to sound more Jewy.

Because he was embarrassed.

I can't decide.

Is Secret of the Us better than

the first one?

Sorcerer's Stone?

No.

I think so.

I like Secret of the Us.

Goblet of Fire.

What's Secret of the Use?

Stop making fun of HP, man.

Fucking Turtles Huge.

I don't remember those at all.

I remember the video game Turtles in Time for Super NES.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was fun.

Yeah.

That was a fun game.

Fuck.

Should I change my name for Hollywood, guys?

Yeah.

Should I be Steve Halk?

That'd be pretty cool.

Change it into Steve Harvey.

Steve Halk.

What about this?

Stop.

You got a normal name, and me and Adam will go Greek names.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nikos Molanopoulos.

Sure.

Yeah.

And Faggot Bitsteleos.

Yeah,

Pusti, which means faggot in Greek.

Pusti Bitstelios.

Niko Molanopoulos.

And Pusti Bitstelios.

Pusti Bitstelios, dude.

That's your new name.

That's your name forever.

That was the first thing my fucking aunt did.

I realized realized what piece.

I thought all Greek people were just horrible, vulgar people.

And then I met George's family, and they were like nice, just totally polite.

And then I went to my home.

Yeah, but his dad runs a halfway house for divorced men.

Yeah, yeah.

He's a men's rights activist.

Yeah, he's a nice guy.

But I would go to my aunt's house.

You know what my favorite thing about George's house was?

All the candy.

His dad had the.

He was stocked the fuck up, dude.

There was so much candy in that house.

He gives those sad men candy to make you feel better?

Granola bars, like four different kinds of granola bars.

It got high and I ate like 19 Twix.

It was awesome.

And then, is that when we watched Two Straight Buds?

Yeah.

The best video on the internet.

Have you ever seen Two Straight Buds?

It's Two Straight Buds

DP a blow-up doll.

And these guys are like,

it's also, it's like a clear blow-up doll.

Well, it starts with they each have their own blow-up doll,

and then they each share a traditional like yellow, hard plastic blow-up doll.

But then, when they're getting very close to coming, they get a very small, clear blow-up doll that they can look at each other's

tiny woman, yes, and they're wearing like Lugador masks the whole time, and they're like high-five.

They're like the title of the video is Two Straight Buns V D P a Blow-Up Doll.

Fuck, that is so good.

That's my favorite video.

It's like a Wham City video, huh?

It's feels like it's Ben and Allen.

Yeah,

it's been an Allen.

Damn.

That would be awesome if they did that.

That's pretty X-rated for them.

They did this thing where they did a bunch of...

They showed a lot of porn on their last tour.

Did they?

Yeah, shuts out Wham City.

That's what comedy is going to devolve into is just pornography.

I'm with it, dude.

Porn is funny.

Porn is funny.

I think it's despicable.

I think they did something that was like bald guy.

Is this bald guy like a fucking office manager or a porn star?

And then they would just show his head, and then sometimes it would just be a regular bald guy like

sometimes it would be a bald guy getting his cock sucked.

Pretty good bit.

I think I'm butchering it, but it's something to that idea.

Ben will tell me, he'll listen to this a month later and then be like, that's not what we did.

And then when Adam does it next month at our live show, Adam unveils his new bit.

Porn star.

Boosty Bitsteelopoulos, was it?

Boosty Bistilios.

Just tarnishing my name.

Reputation.

Public.

God damn it.

Oh, man.

That's such a good name.

Constantly.

All right, you want something else, dude?

Boosty.

Hmm.

No, I like Bastilios.

Yeah.

Bottom.

I'm going to be Musti.

Bottom.

Cocklavios.

That's too gay.

You got to go on impulse, dude.

You got to fire it from the hip with this.

It felt beautiful.

Yeah, that's good.

It felt.

I have no natural athleticism, but when it comes to doing people's feelings, you just sort of have to

glide through the world, not think about things.

You're right.

Sometimes it's not even the best bit.

You just act.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

You're a natural roaster.

Being mean to people is important for the soul.

That's right, dude.

We're bullies, dude.

We bully me.

I've been trying to be less mean to you.

Serious, I have.

I feel like it hurts the quality of the show.

You know what?

You don't play along anymore.

Now you just get your feelings hurt, and it's like.

Well, I just can't get a bid out or a story or anything.

Well, that's not true.

We wanted you to finish that story about where you and your friends were sucking each other's dicks.

Yeah, I mean, okay.

Well, first of all, not being able to finish the sentence, now you know how we feel.

I literally.

Do you know how many stories I leave on the shelf?

I've been talking about four different.

You just got to flow, baby.

And bring it up later.

I flow too, but it's just like.

Even flow.

I am gay here.

Hell yeah, dude.

Jeremy deserved it.

Right, guys?

Yeah.

Earl James Anthony.

Well, he's not even, I mean, he's kind of a dick in the song.

Jeremy?

The perspective of the guy singing the song.

Well, yeah, he got blood all over those kids at school.

Well, no, I mean, not Jeremy, the

first-person voice in the song, the narrative.

Oh, I don't remember.

I've never listened to the song.

Jeremy.

Never listen.

I mean, I've never intently listened to the lyrics.

So he's obviously been on.

Yeah, he says, you know,

like,

I forget the lines exactly, but he says that he also, everyone used to bully Jeremy.

He bullied him, too, until one day Jeremy punched him.

Oh, respect.

Yeah.

So he showed respect.

No, so he was a coward that bullied Jeremy.

You know?

And then Jeremy shot himself in front of the class.

Damn.

And that's based on some kid at Richardson High School in Texas.

Which is funny because it's like

I guess that was like a big story at the time.

I think it was, yeah.

No, that's

kind of.

He only killed himself?

That whole story is kind of like a really good advertisement for teenage suicide.

Because what's the one thing you want as a teen more than anything?

Ooh, a lot of people.

Acknowledgement from Eddie Vetter.

If you want Eddie Vetter to acknowledge him.

You know, if you're just, what?

You maybe lose five, ten pounds.

You know, you're still kind of a fat girl with braces.

So I don't.

Eddie Vetter can fuck anybody.

Why is is he going to fuck you?

You know,

you really want to get in his good graces, blow your fucking brains out in front of the English class, then maybe there'll be a song called Rachel.

Rachel

Dumbro.

Rachel ate a snack in class today.

Might happen, you know.

And then there's also Adam's song.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that's my karaoke go-to.

Yeah.

I'm heating now.

Right.

No, dude, that's different for you.

Remember the time I I spilled the cup of other people's jokes

that I was carrying around in a cup.

No, that's I miss you.

I miss you.

Don't waste your time.

I'm all ready.

Adam's song is the song about

that killed himself.

Yeah, I was laughing about, you know, what's the Blinkwinity 2 song?

It's like,

may have even said this this on the show already, but like,

What's My Age Again?

Is that the new song?

Yeah.

But the line where he goes,

What the hell is ADD?

My friends say I should act my age.

It's just, you change it to, What the hell is Asperger's?

My friends say I should act my age.

And it puts the whole song in a different context,

which is much funnier and you know, relevant.

Yep, for sure.

I like too in that song, he's like, you know, oh, people should act my age at 23.

And it's like, what, being a famous band?

Yeah.

It was like, at 23, I was just driving drunk everywhere.

Yeah.

23, those were the cheeseburger years for me, dude.

Yeah.

Those were the fucking couple entrees.

I was already a family.

23, I was like,

I was like midway through puberty at that point.

Yeah.

What year is it now?

17.

I'm 28.

So that's five years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was not doing shit, dude.

I was doing Dave Show for Rooms.

Yeah, it's 2012.

Damn.

Wow.

I just started comedy.

Obama was 20.

Wow, dude, it's almost 2020.

It's fucked up.

We're almost going to.

Adam's already 30.

I'm 30.

Holy damn.

You're old and ugly.

And then you're going to be 40 soon.

30?

Basically, 40.

Basically.

That's insane.

I'm on the wrong side of 40.

Life sucks.

I know, dude.

We're just going to keep getting older and dude.

It just goes so fast.

Yeah.

That's something we love are going to die.

Bring it back to

the grandpa thing.

It's like, that must, like, it must feel like you were fucking 65, like, two weeks ago.

Oh, my God.

And now you're just going to be dead.

Yeah, and all your friends, like, half your friends are just dead.

Dude, my grandparents,

my grandma's, like, lifelong best friend.

They went to nursing school together in the 40s.

Oh, oh, Christ.

That's how long ago they knew each other.

Yeah, me and Eldis, baby.

Is from fucking nursing school in the 40s.

Her best friend.

Nursery school and nursing school.

Pre-K.

Yeah.

No, nursing school.

Nursing school.

No nurses.

They were nurses.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

And

she was like, they were, her best friend was over at their house.

Damn, your grandma's old.

And she fucking

going upstairs to go up to the bathroom.

And she's like, I'm just going to go up to the bathroom.

And like, Missus, reaching for the railing,

just goes backwards,

fucking splits her head over.

Ah!

Dead.

Cool.

She's just fucking like, you know, she's in a coma for a couple of weeks.

The family was like mad at my grandparents, you know, because they were like blaming that.

Yeah.

I don't know.

For making slippery stairs.

Yeah.

For leaving that banana peel.

You know, this fucking whole thing.

But she just like watched her friend die.

Jesus.

In like from like a bullshit accident.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where like me as a resilient young man, if that happened, I'd be like, fucking gay ass stairs.

Yep.

You'd beat the fuck out of those stairs.

I would fucking cut

punch through the stairs.

Yep.

Destroy them.

I would bounce back.

That's before dishonor.

You know,

but if you're old, you can't bounce back.

That's it.

That's why I want to die young to have the saddest funeral.

Because all your friends are still in the bathroom.

I want to live.

I want to live forever.

Do you think about that?

About who's going to be sad and who won't be sad?

When I die?

Yeah.

No.

If you died

today,

you never think about.

Maybe when I was more depressed.

If the girl that fucked you over, like if she's going to come with that.

Yeah, when I'm depressed, I feel that.

That's what you think about is girls that fucked you over.

I wonder which girl.

Which spiteful, shitty shitty little person you are.

I mean, it's called depression, actually.

I get where you're multiplied, depression.

You're a spiteful man.

I think you're a closed-off, emotionally closed-off.

Yeah, Nick just thinks about his tools rusting.

He lacks emotional intelligence.

No, I don't.

I don't think about that.

When I think about death, I immediately try to think about something else because I'm terrified of it.

It's so scary.

You don't have to say, you know how depressed I have that feeling.

Literally,

every time I wake up from a nap,

I think, oh, one day I'm just not going to wake up from this.

Damn.

Every single fucking time.

That's why

I'm sick.

Every nap I take, I think about one day I'm just going to fucking die.

I haven't thought about dying in quite some time.

I think because I'm happier now.

Now I don't know how to.

Now I feel weird because I'm happy.

Like I wake up and I'm like, oh, I get to.

Like nothing is bad today.

And it's weird and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

But when I'm depressed, I think about dying constantly.

You know what I didn't think about it?

When I was fucking drunk all the the time.

That's why, I mean, yeah,

I wish I could go back to that.

Dude, you can, dude.

One day.

Let's make a little more money.

Once you get a TV show.

Once I get back in shape, I'm going to turn into an alcoholic personal trainer.

And then that's also going to be the screenplay that I don't write.

An alcoholic personal trainer.

And one of his clients is,

I don't know, some dumb bitch.

Yes, there we go.

Fuck.

You were losing me, but I'm back in.

And he can, he

accidentally smashes his head in between the plates on the Bowflex machine.

Oh, my God.

And then he can

hear

what women are thinking.

Awesome.

I was thinking he could hear what the weights are saying.

Now he can talk to all his exercising women.

A man that can communicate with the barbell.

That'd be a good movie.

All right.

Well, I guess we should wrap this up.

What about instead of what women want, it's like what women cunt.

And then it's just a guy that could tell which women are cunts.

That's good.

And which aren't.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I liked it.

After I saw that movie, I wanted that power so bad.

I was like,

fuck so many girls.

I was like a fat 12-year-old.

And I was like, fuck, if I only knew.

Would you used to have the stop time fantasy in middle school?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

But it wasn't even to like, it was to like, it wasn't to like molest.

It was to stop time and get a better view at like girl, like, to get a better mental picture to later beat off.

That was what a coward I was in my fucking fantasies.

It wasn't to get any other examples.

And the stop time thing in particular is such a weird thing that you had an ability to stop time and then you could just have sex with every girl in the classroom and then sit back in your chair and then restart time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then all of them are just like, oh,

just this sudden thing.

Something weird.

Just nothing happened to me.

And you're just sweaty and smiling

and fucking three weeks older somehow.

Yeah, that is.

I wonder how time would work in the stop time.

Do you age?

Yeah, of course you age.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's deep shit.

It's crazy.

You know, time's relative.

Like,

if you went up into space

and you could like.

Oh, is that what Matthew McConaughey's movie was about?

Yeah, that's sort of.

Yeah, that's what that was about.

No, if you went up into space and you

flew close to the speed of light, you know, as close as you could get, or whatever, and came back to Earth, you would age less than other people.

Whoa.

Oh, there was a movie.

There was like a movie where that happens to a little kid.

Do you guys remember that one?

So fucking like

Sorcerer's Stone.

No, yeah, that was number five.

No, there was a kid, and he's like, who's president?

Reagan?

And it's like, I don't know, Bush or something.

I don't know what the difference was.

Yeah, cool.

That's a cool movie.

That's a pretty good movie.

Sounds like a movie.

You know, like he plays video games in it or something.

There's a hot girl.

There's always, in 80s movies with a child protagonist, there's always like a hot 25-year-old woman that wanted to fuck the kid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was like blank check was like

sort of the basis for my like sexuality.

Yeah.

Like absolutely.

Just the hot, like also like babysitters and like I was hoping a 25-year-old woman would like suck my 12-year-old.

Yeah, 11-year-old little ass dick.

Yeah.

You would be molested.

That's the thing is.

I swear to you.

I was paying to be molested by all hot teachers.

I wanted to be molested.

I still do.

That's what I love when they like fucking they parade out one of those hot teachers that fucked a 12-year-old and we all have to pretend like that's a crime.

I know.

It's fucking awesome.

Which I know that's like kid-wise, that's well-tread territory, but it's fucking true.

Mary Kayla Turno is hot.

I think that the cutoff is like, I don't know, 14 maybe.

That kid that she fucked was younger, I think.

You should be able to fuck a 14-year-old.

I think he was 13.

That Samoan boy she fucked?

Billy?

Weren't they married and now they got divorced?

They all got divorced.

It's a big bummer.

Yeah, dude.

I thought love wins.

Yeah, yeah.

That's

when I was.

Do you think Anthony Weiner and the 15-year-old girl he was texting are going to get married when he gets out of prison?

When he gets out of prison, he's like, wait for me.

And then everyone's going to have to apologize for judging him.

For Tony.

You think he's actually going to do time?

Or is he just going to have to do 15 minutes?

What?

I hope Uma has to apologize.

There's no way.

They got back together, right?

Yeah, they're back together.

She's going to fucking go.

She's going to press her titties up against that glass.

Huma's a good-looking lady.

You know, with the phone from jail.

Yeah.

You guys get what I'm talking about.

Yeah, the divider, the glass.

Huma is hot.

But there's no way she's cool, right?

She's like Hillary's best friend.

You got to be fucking weird.

You can't possibly be cool.

I bet she's a freak, dude.

I bet that's why they got married.

Oh, yeah.

She eats ass.

You know Huma eats ass.

Oh, of course.

No, Huma.

Huma gives that fucking rusty trombone to Tony.

Huma.

Doms him.

That's your theory.

You've told me about this.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

She's his dom, and he gets off on sexual humiliation.

Of course.

Of course.

Interesting.

Why do you think that?

Why do you think a guy that looks very similar to you might have those kind of proclivities?

You do look just like Anthony Weiner.

I appreciate that.

He's a good-looking guy.

He's fine.

We both have six packs.

Wrong.

You don't have a six-pack.

It's funny that you don't because you like weigh nothing.

I don't do core exercises.

I don't even have zero muscle mass on your frame.

That's not true.

I mean, it is.

I have muscle mass.

What is that?

That's a muscle.

It's got a little muscle.

You're feeling the buys right now.

No, that's a girl's bone.

No, it's not.

It's a bone from a little girl.

There he is.

Thanks, brother.

Thanks, brother.

Letting that pick up.

Me slapping Adam's arm.

Let me get that pump.

Well, we should probably wrap this up.

Yep, I think so.

Put a bow on it.

I'm trying to think if there's anything we should review or if we should say something funny before the show ends.

Probably not.

I'm tired.

If you're in D.C., I think today...

No, when does this drop?

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

Next week, me and Adam are going to be at fucking Army.

Is it next week?

Yes.

Oh, damn.

Next Wednesday at the D.C.

Draft House.

Why am I not there?

I don't know.

Martin booked us.

I'm headlining it.

Martin only booked the two of you?

He wants us to do a show there later.

I didn't know Adam was going to be on it.

He booked me.

I saw Martin in L.A., and he asked me if I wanted to do the show.

He booked me, and he wants us to do a show there later.

Martin is banned from Cometown.

He will never do this show.

If it's a fucking cool show, we're talking about Cometown Live.

Martin Lawrence, by the way.

Martin Lawrence asked us to do a show in D.C.

You see Martin Lawrence, you tell him, get the step.

Martin.

So we're in the D.C.

Draft House.

Also, I'm at McGooby's Joke House this weekend, opening for Dom Marrera, I think.

Timonium.

Timonium, Maryland.

Maryland.

So come if you want to get your titty sucked.

And

what else?

I don't know, man.

Follow my little brother on Instagram.

He's a very good painter.

Adam's opening for Art by Judzy.

Adam's opening for

Mara.

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah, the only thing Adam's opening

for a man.

That's God.

How could you possibly see that one coming?

You know, I think we're on such a similar wavelength now.

Yeah.

Chemistry we've built up over

15 months of

how that Argentinian national team beat America because they've been playing together for so long.

The Ginobli team that got the gold.

The basketball one, yeah.

That's what we're like, boys.

We've been riffing together for years.

All right, let's go buy the stupid fucking bicycle.

Yeah.

All right, bike.

No, hold on.

Let's go.

Let's remember the show last night.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

What kind of bike are you going to get?

what would stop look good on maybe one of those ones the big wheel in the front what is called nah fuck that a penny uh penny penny farthing penny farthing yeah um no i'm gonna get a fucking uh a little hybrid my dude what one of those fold-up bikes no no no just like no

no no i'd have to surgically remove the seat from your ass

i'm telling you man there's a reason nobody your size is ever seen on a bicycle that's okay because they're bitch assist oh yeah.

See, that's a story that got left on the shelf when I rolled.

When I was trying to buy a bike,

I went to a Greek bike shop.

This is how fucking rude Greek people are.

He just looked at me.

He was like, because of your

weight,

I suggest a mountain bike.

I was like, I'd like a road bike or a hybrid.

He was like, no.

He wouldn't even show me a road bike.

He was like,

you should get a mountain bike.

Yeah, yeah.

We were speaking Greek, too.

And he literally like tapped my stomach.

He was like, because of your weight.

And then to make sure I got it, he fucking hit my stomach a couple times.

I'd say you should get a steel frame.

You shouldn't get like an aluminum or an alloy frame.

First of all, I'm way like way less than you, but I prefer a steel frame.

Bikes get beat up in New York City.

A meaty-ass steel frame.

Yeah, get something that's like, that's like

a deal.

They could take a licking.

I just, oh, I know.

I know a little something that could take a licking, pal.

Hot women's pussy

that I eat.

Shouts out to the women out there that want to get their pee eaten.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm going to get a fucking bike.

I'm going to be cruising.

I'm going to be, like I said, next summer, you're going to see me.

No titties,

big arms, big legs.

I'm going to be fucking getting my cock rubbed left.

Wow.

Breaking news, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to drive.

Well, that's a fucking mistake.

We did it.

Come down.

Once again.

Once again, real results in the real world.

It's from that Twitter poll I did that said, should women be allowed to drive?

Yep.

They also seen it.

And the imams saw it.

Yeah.

Step one, get those Saudi women driving.

Step two, nipple piercings.

Oh, yeah.

You know, we need full quality.

Absolutely.

We want them behind the wheel and pierced up.

Pierced up.

Get a fucking little...

Let's get some henna tattoo directly on the pussy.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, Ocean City magic.

Yes, yes, yes.

Get those girls.

You get a pussy's wax, a little bit of.

Have you ever seen a yatted up pussy?

What, in real life?

irl no no i don't think so a tattooed pussy yes no neither have i i'm just asking a couple of pierced ones but never never a tattoo yes sure you've seen pierced uh clitoris but they don't pierce the clitoris they pierce the hood right maybe on yours

not on much the show

thank you everyone bye

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