Ep. 72 – Cum Petty And The SHartbre-gay-kers haha

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So we're doing a hot start on this one.

We're already balls deep in today's biggest news item.

That's right.

Tom Petty.

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

And I'm Raw.

Tom Petty.

You know, it's like...

Raw dog.

Today was a shit day.

There's the shooting in Vegas, and you probably think that we're going to talk about that.

And I will make a couple of jokes.

But it's, you know, I won't politicize it.

Why focus on the negatives happening in the world?

Yeah, sure.

58 people dead.

600 people total shot.

Damn.

Yeah.

So many people.

That's pretty bad.

Why don't we focus on the good news?

Tom Petty is dead, which is not bad.

It's not good that he's dead, but Tom is one person.

Tom Petty is good.

Tom Petty is like a good thing.

So it sucks that he died, but hey, Tom Petty.

That's true.

Why don't you go give

Sweet Mary Jane a listen?

Yeah.

Give some Heartbreakers records a spin.

I'm not a Tom Petty fan, really.

Who are the Heartbreakers?

Was that Billy Joel?

This is his band.

Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Max from Conan.

No.

No.

Roots.

No.

Questlove and Max dueling drummers.

Is that how you pronounce it?

Questlove?

Yeah, what the fuck?

I thought it was question mark S-Love.

Question mark Ooh Este Love?

Estlove?

That's how I always do.

Question mark Ooh Este Love?

Tim Allen.

Tim Allen stars.

Turn Star Trek off, dude.

Sucking?

Is it distracting?

Yeah, dude.

D.S.

Deep Sarah.

DS9.

Yep, Dick Suck 9.

The Barack Obama Star Trek.

This is the one that predicted.

Black man.

They thought it'd be a little bit further out.

They said, Star Trek, we're pretty optimistic, but we're not going to have a black president until the year 3582.

Yep.

And then Hillary lost.

When Space invents a new, shittier type of black people called the Klingons, then regular black people will be moved up to the.

Just like the Irish.

Yeah.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can't watch this because they got

a lot of fun.

And they got big-ass titties.

I love that.

First of all, I love that.

They got a little titty fucking window.

You'd titty fuck a Klingon woman.

You would have been the ridged.

I would regular fuck a Klingon woman.

You would?

Yeah.

The forehead is pretty ugly.

Who cares?

You just pretend you're doing like Peace Corps work in Sri Lanka?

Yep.

You think, I'm a hero.

They have some horrible forehead rash?

Yeah, no, that's their culture.

Oh, I see.

You know what I love is, remember, like aliens with, like, weird skin.

I've beaten off to a couple pornos with like green and blue bitches.

Green, specifically, Star Trek.

Remember Diora Baird?

Remember Diora Baird or however the fuck you say her name?

No.

She's a green bitch in Star Trek the movie with the sexy Captain Kirk, the new one, the first one?

Maybe.

Oh, no, but they don't.

I want to watch.

Oh, my God.

I want to watch this again.

Dude, she's like, she's green, but she's Mexican, right?

No.

She's like a Colombian green.

No, no, that's Zoe Seldana.

Zoe Seldana.

And she's a Dominicana.

Also, that's another perfect green alien I'd fuck.

Yeah, I like it.

You'd fuck a hot girl wearing green makeup.

No, no, no.

I like green.

I want to go.

You like green.

You're into it.

I'm into it for sure.

I want to fuck Marge's dress.

Just that long.

Yeah, I also want to fuck Skeeter.

I want to stick my dick.

Just the nose part?

Yeah, I want to suck off Skeeter's nose.

I want to stick my dick.

Put it in my ass

down the top of Marge's hair.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

I bet you Homer does that shit all the time.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Homer, stop fucking the top of my hair.

Yep.

I want to get

Marge.

It's like a big tube.

That's good.

You know what I made?

My favorite Photoshop I've ever made in my life is...

Nothing, because you're bad at Photoshop.

No, I'm good at Photoshops.

I'm terrible.

I'm really good at it.

I saw your garbage Photoshops at Ground Floor Comedy.

First of all, bitch,

those were not labors of love.

I was forced to love it.

Yeah, they were literal labors.

You had a job, not a photo shop.

And you were so dedicated to that website.

I had to do what I had to do to make it make my

city.

Look, here's how you know Stav was not fucking around at that job.

He didn't spend the entire time eating cinnamon toast crunch in the free kitchen.

I had like two months of that, and it was brutal on my hands.

If I worked there, dude, they would never have Chex Mix in Cinnamon.

Bro, you think those motherfuckers had NutriGrain bars left?

Your boy was snacking on those apple cinnamons like it wasn't shit.

I was eating them like tickets.

I was eating so much shit by like the fourth time I went there, and then that black lady who worked at the desk came up behind me, and I'm making like gusher's cereal.

Yes.

You know,

she's like, do you work here?

Yeah, well, also, you came every time in like sweatshorts and fucking stained t-shirts and shit.

Yeah.

Because I'm a writer.

Because I'm a television writer.

Well, at the time, you were a part-time website writer, bitch.

You know what?

That's what they said to Neil Armstrong when he was going around telling women he was an astronaut.

You're just an independent contractor.

Yeah, right.

Back when he was just like a jazz musician or a bicycle.

Well, he had one of those biplanes.

He had one of those biplanes and he kept trying to get to the moon.

Yeah, you have a biplane.

It's where you have sex with guys.

Sounds pretty cool.

Do you want to have sex with women?

I mean, orientally, you are bi, but in practicality, in the air, ain't sexuality doesn't exist in the air, my dude.

That's true.

That's international water.

Yeah, I just joined the mile gay club.

The mile gay club.

Holy shit, dude.

The mile gay club.

I'm just getting my ass eaten in a hot air balloon.

Yeah.

Looking down over the fucking beautiful Manhattan Manhattan skyline.

I just love the idea of like police pulling you off a plane in the bathroom.

Your pants are down and there's like a bewildered looking boy in the bathroom and you're like, no, no, it's a club.

You don't understand.

It's this club I read about.

Wait, why is it a boy?

Because it's a guy.

Yeah, you couldn't fuck a woman in there.

You just needed to fuck somebody.

Not enough space.

It's just trying to get in.

Well, you're out.

Yeah, you're fine with that.

Yeah, yeah.

If it's a space issue, it's not pedophilia.

You just got to get that nut off.

You ever get on a plane these days that still has ashtrays in the seats?

No.

I've had that requested for us.

Yeah, dude.

You get fucked up some old-ass plane that's like, this is fucked up.

You know, some Minor Kennedys fucking date-raped women on those kinds of planes.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Fucking.

What's an Irish name?

Minor Kennedys would be the ultimate punk band.

The Minor Kennedys?

I just watched that documentary, The Decline of Western Civilization.

Have you ever seen that?

I saw some of it.

It's really funny.

It's about the punk room.

It's about the LA.

The original hardcore punk scene in LA or whatever, but they're all just fucking morons.

Yeah, it's so late.

It's like

the music, when it goes

fast, it goes

rancid.

X is okay.

Minor Threat I still like.

But I never heard of it.

It was Minor Thread before Henry Rollins.

Nah, punk rock sucks, dick.

Henry Rollins is a big dumbass dude.

Nah, the good music is like fucking.

Fucking Avenge Sevenfold.

Yeah, Avenge Sevenfold, Atrey You,

Nothing Face, AFI,

Hate Breed,

CKY,

CKY.

That's my favorite band.

Slipknot.

My favorite song is that song where it's like He-Man or something.

Do you remember that?

What's that?

CKY did like a He-Man skate.

We-Man?

He-Man.

No, I only remember.

One of them, the Skeletons.

I remember the skate video.

Yeah, the

99

Little Thing, whatever that fucking

song was.

I don't remember, dude.

You suck dick.

I fucking ain't fucking.

You big dad's ass.

I'm fucking dead.

I suck.

I don't remember it.

I was doing it, so you don't have to.

I don't remember it.

It was from the video, dude.

If it wasn't for CKY2K, me and my friends would not have gotten into shopping carts and thrown each other into walls

and tried to make jackets.

Adam originally got in the shopping cart because he loved deals.

Yeah, it's true.

It's a free shopping cart.

I love the idea of deals going in there.

Hey, guys, you got to be nice to me.

My city

shopping.

My hometown.

Oh, that's you.

My city is England.

My beautiful hometown.

Las Vegas.

Nick Crompton.

My city is England.

I got real into this Instagram star called Nick Crompton.

He's this fat British man

with like tin-tin hair.

Oh, nice.

You know what he looks like?

He's a little short, bunched.

He looks like a fucking heroinatic, but still fat version of Adam Conover from Adam Ruins Everything.

Oh, yeah.

By the way, that guy already looks like shit.

He looks bad.

Yeah.

They dress him up.

He's got nice hair on the back.

I hope the final episode of that show is him catching his reflection while he's making some fucking snide point and then he just breaks down.

Actually, the Nielsen ratings are complete bullshit because

is that what I look like?

Get that fill out.

That's the guy out of my eyelids.

What's that bloated lesbian scolding me for?

It's just his show is just myth busters.

Yeah.

Yeah, Adam ruins everything.

Adam ruins my freaking bona over here.

I watch TV with an erection at all times.

I just scroll through the channels, huge hot on,

and then I see this guy completely killed my bona.

That's my favorite comment.

The guy whose default penis position is completely hard.

Yeah, this fugly bitch killed my boner.

It's weird when sports fans talk about like they're like, when I saw that perfect completion from Derek

to, yeah,

I got fully erect, bro.

I don't know.

Yeah, I blasted my pants, man.

Sometimes you can

get sexual energy from something that's beautiful.

There's beauty in everything.

No, I wouldn't get a boner from it.

I like sports a lot, but.

You You know, the way that pass was completed, I just immediately got an erection.

There was a 98 Rock.

One of the funniest things they ever did was they had like a gay announcer.

Yeah, that sounds like classic.

Hilarious radio.

Where they were like just a bit outside and I can see his penis.

Something like that.

You know, it was pretty good.

Yeah, yeah.

Whose bit was it?

It was like interstitional commercial.

I don't know who was doing it.

Oh.

Maybe it was Schlegel.

I don't remember, though.

Maybe Justin did that.

It sounds like Justin.

Justin.

Shouts out to Schlegel.

Yeah.

I fuck with the boys.

Does he still have a show on that?

Yeah, yeah, they do the morning show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good for you.

Fuck, I was going to hang out.

I was in Baltimore, but I didn't fucking...

I was going to holler at him.

But I had to go to a damn funeral, and I wasn't down to just party.

But I was in Baltimore.

Good old McGooby's joke house.

Worked with Dom Marrero.

That guy's fucking funny as shit.

He's really bitter, right?

No, it's not his thing.

No, he's just a good one.

Maybe I'm like

Mark Marin or something.

I mean, he's a legend.

He's funny.

He's a legend.

You're fucking.

You're bitter like me.

Why you fucking?

I'm mad.

You're mad.

We're fucking mad.

Yeah, he's a great comic.

He's got incredible jokes.

He's hilarious.

I remember his half-hour, I fucking used to watch all the time when I was little.

He had like an Italian restaurant background.

It was when the half-hour sets were very intricate.

Yeah.

Yeah, shouts out to Domerrera.

Yeah, now it's like just your name.

Your name.

Yeah.

In like fucking balloon word art.

Yeah.

Well, that's the thing is, like, as time goes on, people just get worse at things.

Like,

I mean, I don't feel like I've gotten any better, but I see my colleagues getting half hours, and it's like, you don't deserve that.

None of us deserve this.

You have, first of all, you have gotten better.

No, I haven't.

I've gotten worse.

Stand up, you're still good.

I think you have.

The point is

what you think, what you think is, like, worse, you just get used to that level, and you think it sucks.

I'm trying to throw things away from other people is what I'm trying to do.

Right, I get, I understand that.

No No one who got the half hour in the last, I'd say, 10 years deserved it.

Anthony DeVito, watch his half hour.

He did deserve it.

I'm friends with Anthony.

Anthony's a very funny guy and a great comic, but doesn't deserve it.

Take that shit away from him, dude.

Hit the mics.

Give it another 10, 15.

Here's my dream casting for this year's half hour.

Slot one, Bill Burr.

Slot two, Bill Burr.

Slot three.

Yep.

That's it.

We're only doing three.

Three?

No, we lose two hour and a half.

Pitbull Bobby Slayton.

Dude, Slayton's done.

Yeah, he's done.

He's fucking done.

My friend's uncle and aunt are huge Bobby Slayton fans.

Pitbull of comedy, man.

Yeah.

And they said it's got like he plays, they live in San Francisco, and they said that every year they see him.

They see him once a year.

I saw him 10 years ago, and it was fucking hilarious.

Yeah, yeah.

And then he opened a show I did at

Moon Tower a couple years ago, and it was like horrific.

And he's like, What is it?

What do we got?

A chink here?

What are you, a fucking chink?

And the woman's like, stop.

Wait, what were you telling me that story where he walked someone and then he walked a Chinese lady

at a different show?

This is so funny.

The whole time he's haranguing her.

He's like, What are you, Mandarin?

Cantonese, Mandarin?

You know, he's like, making fun of her.

And he's like, I can't tell if you're asleep or just Asian.

You know, he's like, you're fucking with her.

And eventually she like,

she storms out, and her fucking boyfriend has to like

quietly leave.

Slayton saying nothing during this like dramatic exit, right?

Destroys the energy in her.

It's like 15 seconds where they're like flipping him off, and he's just, you know, kind of shrugging his shoulders, and then they leave.

And he picks up her chair and he sniffs the seat, and he's like, Yeah, there's candies.

I mean, that's funny as shit, dude.

They get you a pass for life as far as I'm concerned, dude.

Come on, dude.

That's beautiful.

Vicious.

My favorite is how all those old guys are

hardcore Zionists, too.

Are they?

Yeah, kind of.

A lot of them are.

Yeah, yeah.

Jerry Lewis was.

The old, the old Jerry Lewis was fucking.

I mean, all

the edgy Jews.

Old edgy Jews are always like, you say whatever the fuck you want.

If you're offended, that's your fucking problem.

Slayton's on.

But the Holocaust.

Yeah, he is.

He is?

Yeah.

Yes.

What would would you think he is?

Italian or something?

Yes.

Well, I guess Slayton's a stage name.

It's a stage name.

Yeah, it's Moskowitz.

Yeah.

It's Slaberg.

They're all Zion.

Yeah, fucking

who's the redhead?

But that's not really...

I mean, that's just like, that's how people were raised

until like literally 10 years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

If you were like a Jew in America, you were probably told that Israel can do no wrong.

Shecky Green did a great bit about how the

massacre at Sabra and Shatila was great.

He was really proud.

Shecky Greenberg, huh?

Shecky Green, dude.

Everyone says that guy was incredible, and I've never.

Everyone says he was the guy, yeah.

I've never even heard of him.

I think he was just like

a crowd work energy guy.

I think that was his deal.

And he just would perform all the time.

I don't know.

He was like Catskill's cat, right?

No, Vegas, I think.

Like a casino guy.

Yeah.

He started.

I don't know.

Yeah, I want to.

If anyone has a

recording of Shecky just now, I'm very embarrassed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was awful.

Yeah, can we edit that?

Edit what?

When I said he was a cat, he called him a cat skill.

I referred to an old person as a cat.

No, we're leaving that in there.

All right, meow.

Yeah, I'm never editing shit out.

In fact, the name of the episode is Adam's Cool New Slang.

That's a Marin thing.

Marin calls people cats.

Yeah, so who are these fucking fucking cats?

Who are these?

What is it?

A cat?

I know.

Did I rescue them?

Right, guys?

Did I do cat?

There it is.

Yeah.

Nice.

You bat the ball around a little bit, and then you fucking hit it with a slam dunk.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I'm hungry as shit.

I biked over here.

I'm a damn bike boy now, man.

Yeah, I love biking.

Me and Stop got bikes.

Yeah.

I can't wait to just let the open road.

Yeah, we should go on a ride tomorrow.

Let's do it.

Just me and you.

Well, tomorrow I'm biking to therapy.

Nice, dude.

Over the Queensboro.

Nice, dude.

You know?

Hit the Upper East.

I did that.

I went up to Williamsburg.

Did you?

And then I bought a helmet.

What kind of helmet did you get?

Just whatever they had at the fucking bike store.

Is it cute?

Yeah.

It's got Hello Kitty on it.

It's got all the Hamtaro.

How much?

Oh, Hamtaro.

I fuck with Hamtaro.

It was like 50 bucks.

Is it one of those cool ones?

Like the hockey style ones?

No, because there's two different.

You could get like a skateboard helmet, but skateboard.

Skateboard helmets are built for like hitting your head repeatedly at low impact.

So they're not like bike helmets have got this.

It's one big one.

Right, they've got thick, dense foam in them.

So they make like a multi-sport helmet, which is like the best one to get because it, I mean, it still looks gay.

They look huge.

They look enormous on your fucking head.

I really don't wear a helmet enough.

I have one.

I have a bell.

But your neck and your upper body is too weak for a helmet.

It would actually be worse.

It would be worse for you if you put a helmet on.

Oh, no, they're incredibly light.

You'd be surprised.

You wouldn't be able to look forward.

When Adam wears a helmet, he has a mirror

on the road.

A wilting flower waving back around and fucking side to side on the road.

All right, dude.

We'll have a cycling race.

Let's take it to the Peloton, dude.

You want to talk shit about my cycling?

Yeah.

Do you have a Peloton?

I don't know.

I'll find a Peloton.

Is that a bike?

It's like the track, the indoor bike track.

Oh.

That's like 45 degrees.

You know?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's pretty cool.

I love it when I see that shit.

We should get into that kind of thing.

Track racing, yeah.

Dude, I went up.

You got weak legs, dude.

Yeah, it doesn't matter, dude, because I'm like, yes, it does.

It's literally like big-ass ham hocks.

No,'cause I'm pushing the amount of weight that I'm pushing.

Yeah, you got weak legs.

You can't do it.

You'd be good for like, you know,

like those marathons for women that had breast cancer.

Yeah, so you're gonna have to get a bunch of people.

You can handle the water cups at those.

Yeah.

You have that build of like the guy that discovers exercise.

Oh, the woman that discovers exercise after menopause.

I'm telling you, you've been on a bike one day.

I smoked for 40 years and I've never felt better in my life.

I've been getting

really into speed walking?

Yeah, I'm just really into spending $80 a fucking day at Lululemon on dip shit clothes to wear with my shitty friends and we walk around the mall every morning and fucking live off vitamin supplements now.

I don't even eat food anymore.

I just, you know, recently I started smoking again, but these new vegan cigarettes.

Oh, fuck, man.

Yeah, fuck old ladies trying not to die.

Dude, fuck them, dude.

Serious.

If you're old, fuck your ass.

Whoa.

If you're an old bitch, don't listen to this show.

Bro, Nick the Pitbull.

This is a young, this is a young man's show.

This is a young man's show, baby.

We're the youth, baby.

Shout out to them young boys out there.

We're all them young boys at.

That hot boy.

Where's that hot boy at?

I've been seeing his ass around here.

Where's that little hot boy?

Where are them little hot boys at?

Where's that hot?

I saw a woman talking.

I'm a sexy ass over here.

I saw a woman talking like that at a diner.

I fucking just laughed.

I was just a nice old black lady having a conversation with a family.

And I just laughed at her.

Somebody done sucked that boy's dick.

Oh, good lord.

Somebody missed this.

That boy was sucked that boy dick.

That boy went missing.

Somebody done suck his dick right off.

You know, as soon as they put his name in the paper, that somebody done sucked that boy's dick off.

That boy only five years old getting his dick sucked off by some stranger.

Speaking of...

It's a trifling world we live in.

By the way, I had multiple football teammates in high school tell me that old ladies fucked them, old black ladies fucked them

to teach them how to fuck them.

No, like 11% was a nine-year-old.

Absolutely true.

It is true.

I don't think he was kidding, dude.

The kid had a fucking look of horror in his eyes.

He was kind of laughing, but I thought he was doing a bit.

Because everyone was talking about the first time they fucked.

And one kid had a fucking

thousand mile.

What is it?

Hundred miles.

Did you just say thousand island stare?

You stare you back up.

You thousand mile, you beat me.

You fucking

first of all, you said thousand.

You didn't even fucking like.

That doesn't matter.

That is the fattest.

You cock.

No, you just did it again.

No, now you just did it again.

You said thousand miles.

I did not say it.

You said run the tape back.

You said thousand islands stared at him.

You literally did say that.

This kid's got a thousand islands stare in his eyes.

This poor baby.

This boy.

Wait, what was it?

It was like the Battle of Numpa.

Thousand mile stare.

Thousand mile.

You said thousand islands.

I did not, bro.

Yes, you did, dude.

I vehemently denied you.

You're sweating, you dude.

You're sweating Mayo right now.

First of all, ain't nothing wrong with Mayo.

Mayo is paleo.

You just got to make it out of good ingredients.

You know, I'm, you know, the whole white people be like thing.

Like...

Mayonnaise is legitimately very good.

Stav's stuff shell-shocked.

Fuck both you cocksuckers.

My friend, I won't say his name, but he got fucked by an old black lady

as a youth.

Yeah, that's a thing.

She wrote his name.

I didn't say all.

That's a thing.

I didn't say all old.

You don't need church.

You need church, boy.

You need Jesus.

You need Jesus.

Give me that little dick.

Now let me sit on it.

You don't do your time.

Is that really that bad, though?

An old lady sitting on your penis as a nine-year-old?

Yeah.

Yes.

Why?

if she can really like because she's not hot, yeah, that's it.

The ultimate sexual assault

is not being hot, good point,

you boys said it, not me.

Amber, you missed a great one.

Stav was trying to say thousand-yard stare, and he said, Oh, yarn!

He said thousand-island stare.

I did not, motherfucker.

Fucking I did not, bitch.

I did not.

First of all, what even is that shit?

Ketchup and Mo?

That's Russian dressing.

I don't fuck with it.

I think Thousand Island has like little, like, like,

what do you call it?

Relish.

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck relish.

I'm out on relish.

Thousand Island.

It's hot is it.

Thousand Island, I think, is Thousand Island is like its Russian dressing with relish in it.

Yeah.

Ugh.

That's disgusting.

Thousand Island is.

Actually, you know what?

Thousand Island is good on one thing and one thing only.

My very special cheese steak that I make.

How do you make deer meat?

Deer meat.

Deer meat.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Sweet peppers, pro volone, mushroom, sautéed mushroom.

Thousand Island dressing.

In the woods outside of fucking woods, dude.

Have you ever hunted down?

In Philadelphia woods.

Philadelphia woods.

Have you ever hunted down a fucking deer with your bare hands?

No, never.

I've never done it.

Would you kill an animal?

Probably not.

I don't think I would either, but I would love to eat a fresh-ass pig.

Kill an animal?

Yeah, there's certain animals that are okay to kill.

I think boars.

Maybe a boar.

That would be tight.

Texas will pay you to kill boars, and they're fucking vicious and ugly.

Yo, let's go to Austin.

Do you know what Dawson dude?

And then fucking raka damn.

Let's just murder police officers.

Let's kill them.

That's what I'm saying.

Members of Congress and cops.

Are there badass Adam calling for violence that he would never do?

I'm just saying it's more productive.

Yeah, you and Jake can start a punching coalition.

I'm saying it's not productive to punch street Nazis.

Yeah.

Speaking of, I can't get over.

I saw that there's a fat guy riding around the New York subway with a Nazi necklace on.

That was oh, yeah, I saw that.

I posted it on social media, and a couple people like linked me to a New York Post story, and they're like, Yeah, you stole, somebody else already saw this.

It's like, oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

You stole it.

I didn't see that before the news did.

Yeah.

Classic.

Yeah.

This actual guy that voted.

Who was that guy?

Did they say on the news story?

No, nobody.

Well,

New York Post interviewed some guy who took a picture of him, and the guy's being complete dork about it where he's like, I was just so disgusted when I saw it.

I mean, New Yorkers need to be warned that this is who's out there.

It's like

you have a better chance of being pushed onto the tracks by an insane person than you do seeing a Nazis.

I mean, it's not chill to have open fucking swastikas, swastika guys.

It's chilling.

The guys being chill, I don't care.

I mean, it's his First Amendment right to do that, and it's my First Amendment right to take pictures of him, make fun of him for being a fat piece of shit on the shit.

Yeah, you did break your rule, Nick.

Yeah, because he's going around with a fucking swastika.

It's not because he's a Nazi.

I mean, there's a certain level you have to do.

Nick is very principled typically about taking pictures of strangers.

You shouldn't do it.

He doesn't do it.

Unless they're Nazis.

You shouldn't do it.

But, I mean, if you're going to make a bold statement like that, it's because you want people to see it.

Oh, so you're trying to help him.

Or he's trying to get some PR.

Also,

I'll make it clear: I have not criticized him in any way other than to body shame him, which is my real point of contention, is that he's in bad shape.

It's really funny when you saw that, I was on the train, and I saw my second homeless guy since I've moved to New York wearing an Israel Defense Forces

t-shirt.

Yeah, I used to.

I just tried to swipe in my cock.

I had an IDF shirt.

They just had him in Salvation Army.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll get rid of them.

I'm sure.

He's in a bunch of shirts that was like, like, shit like that, and then a lot of like

Cooper Jefferson Six Flags Family Reunion.

Those are awesome.

Those are the best.

And you have a big black family reunion.

You go to Six Flags.

Everybody gets a t-shirt.

It's got clip art of a grill.

Yeah.

You know, like a grill and a spatula.

Right.

A tree, but then each branch is holding a basketball.

Oh, it's some Vegas news.

I text you guys this, but

yesterday before the terrible attack, my parents were in the car on the way to Costco.

My dad called me frantically, and he saw Mr.

Renthal James Simpson.

Are you sure it was walking around the neighborhood?

I heard my man is still in a white, he literally has a white SUV.

No, which no, he's in another, it's a dark SUV now.

He learned his lesson.

Yeah, dude.

By the way, I was looking at the music.

Honestly, when I woke up this morning at 6 and saw the New York Times alert, my first thought was like, oh, goddamn.

Yo, what if

OJ wetted everyone up?

OJ's been out for 20 years.

He went to a fucking NFL memorabilia convention.

Straight from the feds.

Straight from the feds to the Mandalay Bay.

The guys had sent him to prison.

He was going to get his fucking revenge.

What if Steven Padlock was set up by OJ?

Do you guys know what I mean?

Honestly,

I'm not like a Alex Jones false.

Oh, by the way, guys, fuck.

calm down.

I don't care what it is.

Just settle down.

I'm sort of interested.

You can say it.

I just settle down.

So someone, some lady, like resistance grandma lady tweeted a tweet today that was like, oh, shooting at country, Jason Aldean country concert.

Hopefully it was all Trump tards that died or something.

And then like.

A group of mentally retarded Trump supporters got killed today.

And then like the group, which weren't actually allowed to vote because of weird laws restricting retarded people.

In Vegas, yeah.

Are retarded people allowed to vote?

Sometimes.

That's what I'm saying.

That's interesting.

It's an issue because it's the same degree that sometimes they're allowed to give consent.

Like, if you're.

Oh, I see why you were researching this.

Yeah, like,

Terry Shaivo isn't allowed to vote.

She should have been allowed to.

But, you know.

If they're going to kill her, they should have let her vote.

A guy with Down syndrome is allowed to vote.

Yeah.

You know, because he's going to.

Wait, are you talking about when they do which flavor mules you want?

In 1997, when they replaced the tan MM

with the blue or the yellow one.

They go to voting booth.

Yeah.

So her name was Pretzel or Peanut Butter.

Take that.

Yeah, BB votes.

Yeah, he was a big Trump guy.

Yeah, yeah.

He was Obama before.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay, guys, voting for

Trump.

I was told I can't like Trump anymore.

So here's a can crush for ISIS.

No, BB, you can't like ISIS.

Oopsie Daisy.

What's BB?

Okay, I gotta go to sleep.

My brain really hurts.

He's just saying.

He does that sometimes.

So, like, signing off now.

My head hurts.

Oh, poor Beep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He, like, I don't know.

He just lives in the bus.

He He lives in constant pain.

He has like neurofibromatosis, so his body just grows all these fucked up tumors like inside and out.

Poor BB.

Where does he live?

Sacramento.

Placerville.

Yeah.

Placerville, California.

The Kings.

Sacramento, Kings.

I saw a new bus today.

He loves buses.

He used to have a vine that was like him walking along the side of the road, and there was a sign that said, do not enter for like a side road.

And he's like, oh, wow.

and then he walked past it.

Nice, yeah, it's cool.

That's a good video.

That's a joke you would come up with, Adam.

Yeah, well, I would steal it from a mentally retarded

perfect crime.

Yep, they went.

It's a lot easier than stealing candy from them.

Okay, so some lady.

That's actually the hardest one.

Some lady tweeted that hopefully all the Trump tards died or something.

Right, right, right.

And then like all these like MAGA, Drain the Swamp, Alex Jones, InfoWars, people were like, I cannot believe this.

And they were like screenshotting her and they're like, we're going to find out where you work.

We're going to get you fired.

And then so she deleted her Twitter account.

And then I guess someone that listens to Comtown restarted her at and like put that pic that ugly picture of me that I post all the time.

You mean that normal picture of you?

The most flattering picture you've ever seen in my life.

A picture of you that looks like you normally

what you look like literally right now.

The normal picture of you.

I'm pretty handsome.

No, the ugly picture of you that is normal.

I posted a lot of intentionally

a little bit of ribbing and his insecurity shine serve.

Actually, I'm handsome.

Actually,

you how dare you criticize me?

Anyway, so the best you've seen your portrait.

Someone posted it with me.

So someone posted the greatest picture of me ever taken

and

then just tweeted,

listen to to Come Town.

And then all these MAGA accounts screenshotted it, and they were commenting, like, I can't tell if that's a he or a she.

They're like,

and they're right to say that.

They're like, looks like a pedophile, some basement dwelling.

Also correct.

Two for two so far.

I don't live in a basement.

So I guess what we learned today is that Trump supporters are pretty smart.

Anyway, what happened?

So they screen capped it.

And

did it make the round?

Like, what?

You were very excited.

And and then some lady in like the Midwest somewhere DMs me today, and she's like, I just want you to know that your face has been circulated on Alex Jones Info Wars, and like you should be ready for abuse.

She's like, I don't know if you, this was a joke you were making or if you were trying to scare people, but like they've targeted you.

It's like

fucking hashtag the resistance, like 65-year-old woman was like DMing me.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Let's get Alex Jones on the show.

I would

love that.

Yeah, yeah.

So we share the same birthday.

I also think Adam is gay.

I have documents here that prove that Adam is a homosexual.

I'm not fucking lying, dude.

I got to print it out right fucking now.

I mean, goddamn, I don't mean to curse, but fuck.

Dude, I would love that.

Same birthday, Aquarius.

Yeah.

February 11th.

Alex Jones.

We should have a joint birthday party.

You should.

That's cool.

Aquarius, what is that?

It's water, dude.

It's like a salad dresser.

No.

Yeah, I like to get wet.

You like to get wet.

I smoke sherm.

I'm more like Aquarius.

We're going to take a break and then be right back.

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Thanks, guys.

Candy season's coming up.

That's right, bitch.

We're excited about it.

Halloween to some.

I'm not excited.

I'm scared.

Yeah, boo.

I'm scared of gaining weight.

You You know, I mean, how much weight could you possibly gain?

I could gain a lot, bro.

I'm at 260 right now.

Yeah.

I've weighed as much as 320 in my life.

I can't wait to get 320.

You're one of those bedroom guys.

You've weighed 60 pounds.

Yes, more than I am right now.

Dude, first of all, I don't appreciate the way you said this.

I'm going to

prick.

I'm going to start.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to start carrying you up and down the stairs every day.

Okay,

no.

Like Paul Bunyan with his ox.

I don't want that.

I remember one day.

I remember when the wrestling team in high school used to give each other piggybacks and rutten laps.

You were so jealous.

I was like, watch the wrestling team.

You said, I wish somebody would make

angle me like that.

I wish I could be wrestled with no, I thought.

And they're like, sorry, the seventh-grade girls' wrestling team doesn't have any more suckers.

I'm sorry, the JV

dick sucking girls, dick sucking team.

It's not even wrestling.

That's sucking.

Yeah, no, you were on the different sport.

You were on

the special education attaché schools, girls, infants.

No, dude, I was

varsity.

They put a very tiny little dick on a T, on a T-ball T, and then you walk up and they have to hold your shoulders because your stupid bobbly head can't carry its own weight.

And then they go, there you go, good eye, good eye, and then you just limply place your head on the tiny dick.

I was varsity MMA, dude.

I was too good for the high school.

Varsity karate.

Yeah, I was too good for high school.

They had me going to prisons because I was too powerful.

Bro, you're looking at varsity damn football.

You're the guy they send into a prison

during a riot.

Dude,

the prison is rioting, and they said, we demand the most satisfactory, delicious rape.

Well, no.

They've had it for years.

And

they send me in and they're like,

his ass is like a fucking memory foam pillow.

No, no, no, no.

Sink right into it.

Like a beauty rest.

No, no, no.

When there are race riots at the prison, they send me in.

They're like, they dangle you down.

Damn, I think my sleep number is Jewish.

Let me finish.

They need someone

that the Nation of Islam, the Aryan Brotherhood, that the Latin kings will all equally hate the same amount to bring peace to the prisons.

And that has caused the nice fun riffs we were about to do for that one.

Yeah.

I had the momentum going.

Do your riffs.

It's over now.

I was going to say they dangle you down like with a pulley in a fucking crowded thing and everyone causes it.

I felt like we were going somewhere with his mattress mask.

Yeah, exactly.

What about the mattress?

Wow.

Sleep number bed is Jewish.

I was going to say something about fucking.

I don't get that.

It doesn't matter anymore, man.

Okay.

First of all, you're not supposed to get anything.

I was trying to make fun of you.

These jokes are not for you.

I was trying to make fun of me with you so I could feel apart.

I'm sorry.

I get really bored of making fun of you all the time.

Yeah, and then something like this happens.

And then it's

It's just such an easy street to walk down.

No, it's fun when it's.

I feel like, you know, it's like in my old drinking days when I'm like, I got to stop drinking.

And then I have one beer.

I'm like, no, it feels awesome.

Yeah.

Well, I got to stop drinking.

And then I start driving.

I'm like, all right.

This is why.

And then you're like, let me check the mail real quick.

The mailbox that you just fucking ran into.

Yeah.

Like sitting in your passenger seat.

Good, dude.

Yeah.

Just like that.

How many mailboxes did you take down?

Would you say?

Mailboxes?

None, really.

The only things I ever really hit

carts.

Were

countless fruit carts.

I would clip so many fucking movies.

But you know what?

I would do that shit sober all the time, too.

Okay.

And when I did it drunk, I would feel terrible about it.

And then when I did it sober, it's like, fuck you, asshole.

You live in a city.

Yeah.

That's cool.

It's cost to do a business.

Fold your window.

C-O-B, my bitch.

Fold your mirror in.

When we were trucking.

I'm busy driving.

That's right.

Don't say that.

I got to go to an open mic in pajamas.

That was the area that you were in, right?

Yeah, no, I mean, I continued wearing pajama pants for a long time.

You know, Adam Sokol.

You know, Adam Sokol and Nate Fritz?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just Detroit guys.

So when I moved to New York, I met them years ago in Detroit for a festival.

Oh, yes, the one where you met at the Comedy Castle?

The one where you met fucking, what's his face?

Dave Cooley.

Dave Cooley.

So I met them like probably now, like eight years ago.

Wow.

Yeah, fuck, yeah, like 2009.

And they were pajama pants guys?

No.

I was.

And I was fucking loaded that whole week.

And Adam one time was like, hey,

whatever happened to that friend of yours, that drunk guy with the pajama pants?

And I was like, that was me.

He was like, no.

There was like another guy that was a little bit more.

He was an idiot, everyone hated him.

He just didn't realize that

I was the same guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he met me one night at an open mic when I was wearing pajama pants.

That's a compliment.

And then he saw me again, like at the club when I was sober, like just doing a normal situation.

Right, right, right.

That means you've grown.

You should celebrate that.

I'm not celebrating anything.

See, that's the thing is

you and you people that got too many goddamn holidays.

Did you atone?

What did you atone for?

What did I atone for?

I atoned for stealing that joke of Wham Cities.

That's good.

I asked God for forgiveness.

What was that, Yom Kippur?

Yeah, Yom Kippur.

I didn't fast.

No.

Yeah, when Adam does, it's more like bomb Kippur.

There you go.

There we go, boys.

You had a terrible set of funny bombs.

No, I didn't.

That's why we stopped recording them.

Yeah, why don't we keep recording them?

If you want to know the real reason?

Yes.

And I guess I probably should say it to people because

I feel like some of the premium subscribers may feel like they got cheated because they stopped releasing them.

The acoustics were kind of fucked up on some of them, and it would sound like comics were bombing.

Right.

And sometimes people just genuinely didn't have the best set that they could have.

And I always did it where anyone could ask me to pull their set, and I would.

But I talked to Lewis about it or a couple of other people.

and like the input was generally like, you don't want to put people in a position to ask

where they have to ask.

We should just do the beginning, then.

But then also,

you don't want to do the thing where it's like somebody thinks they did well, and you just edit out their set, and they're like, what was that for?

And you're like, oh, you sucked at comic.

Right, right.

So it's like.

No, but I'm saying, why don't we just do the beginning riff?

Oh, all right.

I guess we could do that.

Because a lot of times I repeat jokes from the previous show.

Who cares?

That's my issue, is that it just sucks that we have have to have new material every two weeks.

Yeah, welcome to being a fucking comic.

It's not being a comic.

That's not being a comic.

Yeah, it is, dude.

It's to have a new 10 minute

every two weeks.

I used to do a new five minutes every fucking week at the same time.

I mean, that's a lot.

You were all drunk as shit.

And I was murdering.

I was crazy.

You were doing well.

Oh, great.

Yeah, half the time you were doing well.

I used the picture.

Half-time you were drunk as shit.

I had no idea what was going on.

Wait, wait, wait, boo.

Let's be honest, guys.

A new 10 minutes every two weeks is a lot.

Of course, but you have fun.

It's

people know you, dude.

Granted, I haven't written a new one.

You haven't done stand-up in fucking six months, dude.

I did a good set-up.

You got a good set.

I covered all the topical stories you did, except I actually did bits about them.

I did set it just going, Trump.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

Don't disparage me.

Don't disparage me.

Don't disparage the act.

Don't disparage the act.

I won't disparage me.

Some things are sacred.

It's just the act.

Yeah.

I wish I had a sacred talisman.

You know?

Like some old

little Chinese piece of wood that I wore around my neck.

You can get one.

People ask me about it.

I'm like, yeah,

it's an ancient Chinese thing, so don't fuck it.

It's glowing.

Maybe, like, you know, it's got a little shape on it.

Yeah.

Maybe like two S's interlocking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can just wear it around the train.

Yep.

You know, that would be cool.

There's four other guys with the same necklace.

You put them together, you guys get superpowers and shit.

I love that the New York Post wrote an article about that guy.

Nobody asked him.

Because I guarantee you, if you talk to that guy and you're like, why are you wearing a swastika?

He's like, I'm on my way to ice cream place.

Come on, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, gave me money and go ice cream place.

It's just a fucking dissane.

It's fucking New York.

It's filled with insane people.

You're right.

I really doubt that that's like an actual Nazi.

I don't know, man.

It could be.

That was the worst thing about Strange Times.

About that punk rock documentary was that it was some of the punk rock got queer.

So, like, they were like,

I got raped at an ice cream place.

Secret Eddie gave me the necklace.

Secret Eddie.

Secret Eddie told me, don't tell anybody about getting raped at ice cream place.

That me raping you is all secret.

And if you're mad about

the horrific bit that we just.

Remember, it's about a Nazi.

Yeah, you can say that

if it's a retarded Nazi, you can make fun of them.

Right.

He deserves to be punched.

Well, whoa, who said the,

he just talks funny.

Yeah.

We didn't say, you know, he's just

a wacky Nazi who got raped at an ice cream parlour.

Oh, but my point there was that he's a guy with a silly voice who loves ice cream.

Oh,

not that he's intellectually.

And earlier, also, when we did another thing, I don't remember exactly what it was.

They had silly voices.

Yeah.

I think stealing candy from them.

Guys, we're going to have a little poll here.

What's more embarrassing?

A little poll.

Thousand Island.

Why are we talking about Adam's dick?

Yeah.

Thousand Island

stare or Adam calling people cats sincerely?

What's more embarrassing?

It was accidental.

This accidental, but sincere.

I called Shecky Karina.

A cat.

A cat skills cat.

That's really embarrassing.

Yeah.

I'm going to vote for Sky.

It wasn't even.

That wasn't slang then.

It was 20 years after people.

Yeah.

This was like pre-cat slang.

Stav does comedy at the fat skills.

There we go.

That's good.

Yeah, thanks.

I do have skills.

Yeah.

Cutting the buffet line.

That's one of the fat skills.

Having a knack for knowing when they're going to do the fresh general shows.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I would fuck with the sky.

Stav is a Borschbelt comic.

It goes up there, and he's like, The Borsch Belt, and I thought, Borscht, Belt.

That's his big joke.

That's a good joke.

That would kill in the 40s, Gloves.

I would have done great back then.

Here's me as a Borschbelt comic, but today,

today's news event, but you're 40s.

There we go.

Did you hear about this thing out in Las Vegas?

600 people shot.

Oh, craps,

folks.

Oh, that's like gamble.

believe.

That's what I'm thinking.

It's craps.

You know, you hear the story about a mass shooting and you say, I hope it's a black jack

instead of a white guy.

Instead of a white guy.

Fingers crossed.

This is the real kind of terrorism.

Boo yourself, you old piece of shit.

Fuck you.

Fucking can't do that.

I live in Brooklyn, you fucking.

You come up here and entertain you fucking pieces of shit.

You all should be bulldozed.

Make way for a ski resort.

Another thing I noticed re-watching Sopranos recently is whenever they hire a comic to play the Bing, they always bomb.

They always get like...

When do they hire a comic?

It's like two or three times they hire a comic and then they're like, and then they bring on the strippers afterwards and everyone just starts losing it.

Yeah, they're like trying to...

Lewis and Dave brought me to Detroit to do a strip club.

I did a mic at a strip.

They were like,

why don't you do 25?

Amiko went up, did 10, and

didn't do well.

No one was listening from a strip club.

Yeah.

And it's also like Amiko's not a host.

He's not.

Right, right, right.

I don't know if you've seen his stand-up, but he does longer stuff.

It's not really suited for hosting or whatever.

Yeah, especially something like that.

You've got to get in their faces and shit.

And I can't remember if I had already done Blow.

No, I hadn't.

yeah, but I had been driving for like 11 hours or whatever.

So, I go up and I'm like, all right, I got it, dude.

The road.

This is my fucking wheelhouse.

Yes, bitch.

Worst set I've ever had.

And you know what?

I was bombing, but riffing, and I had like fun riffs.

I remember in my head, they were fun.

Now I'm remembering one of them and talking about how

the

logo on an outhouse is the same as the Muslim flag.

It's like, what did they check that before?

The crescent.

Why did they

take that, Turk?

Yeah.

You fucking Turks.

Dude, that's already the toilet symbol, fellas.

Do you think they were mad about that?

That is a good one, man.

That's an okay bit.

I forget what I did.

I think it was more clever than that.

I got to it.

Well, come on.

Detroit Strip Club Legion of Gangs fans.

The trifecta, dude.

The holy trinity of perfect comedy.

Yeah.

You just need to call the strippers the N-word.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, that fucking show was great, dude.

That was such a bad show.

And then we did, like, then we did a live podcast afterwards.

So it's like the same people that watch.

If you fucking hated this prepared material,

you're going to fucking love the off-the-cuff

coked out riffs of a guy that's running on two hours of sleep and a bunch of, like, you know, the most expensive menu items and sheets.

Yeah.

Oh,

would you guess?

What do you mean were the stripper?

Were they like a cheat fucking goon?

Were they friendly?

Could you become friends with the strippers, maybe?

And then they give you a free fish.

You mean were they hot?

Didn't you have sex?

Oh, like were they free because they like your personality.

Did they watch the show?

I don't know.

Fucking maybe.

You can't tell.

If a stripper's nice to you, it's like...

This is lecherous.

You love saying lecherous.

You're like this moralist when it comes to sex.

Well, Nick.

I like to enjoy sex.

But like, no, any expression of public horniness to Nick is just

a morally like.

The man's a robot, dude.

That's right.

The man's a robot, which you have fucked in strange circumstances for a robot.

I keep thinking.

Nick is like.

Yeah, but you know who else has?

Yours is also a robot?

The fleshlight.

That's true.

So you're a fleshlight?

He's a machine.

Yeah, he gets fucked by men.

Men nut inside of Nick.

They hold hold him by the waist and fuck his mouth like a fleshlight.

None of you know how analogies work.

Yeah, huh?

Yes, we do, bitch.

No, we do.

I said, like or as.

It's a metaphor, you fucking retards.

Yeah, but you're literally.

That's a simile.

No, it's not.

Yeah, huh?

Like or as is textbook simile.

Simile is my type of metaphor.

No, no, no.

Yeah, it is.

You're right.

But it's a simile.

Like or as simile.

Just saying you're the thing, that's a metaphor.

Yeah, but we're talking about sex.

Something by saying I'm like or.

I was only letting you know what a mean was.

You're a cinnamonly.

How about that?

That's good.

Look, man, that's good.

Cinnamon Lee.

Cinnamonly.

Cinnabonly.

Cinnabon Voyage.

Here I go.

I'm gone.

Now I'm stuck in this world.

And the Mike Lawrence.

What pun could I make out of this world?

He was having a meltdown about Trump today on Twitter.

On Instagram.

On Instagram.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Hey, man.

People get got by that shit.

I don't know, man.

I like Mike, but

I don't know why comics just.

Just be dumb.

Just like let yourself be a dumb person.

Stop that.

That's my whole shit, baby.

I will never try and be smart.

Yeah, me either.

Until I'm older, maybe.

I'll try to intimidate people

because that's part of my charm.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's charming.

Like a dark magician.

Yes.

The most charming guys on the world.

Guys who want to be dark magicians.

Adam's upset.

Adam's like having a temper tantrum.

Because he loves you, Lecherous.

No, I'm not upset, dude.

The truth is, Nick does not know how to be horny.

He doesn't understand it.

Nick is like a fucking

in his own little lockdown world.

He's a fucking horny.

What?

Huh?

Where you could just be like, oh, I'm horny sometimes.

That's the thing.

Stop horny.

24 Sevis.

I got the.

Stop is like performatively horny.

You guys are polar opposites.

Yeah, you're fucking corny.

Yeah.

Oh, you're trying to position yourself as the fucking middle ground, huh?

I'm up.

Fuck you, centrist.

You're a horny centrist, bitch.

You're the Hillary Clinton of being horny.

I'm Bernie, and Nick is fucking horny Trump, and you're fucking Hillary, dude.

The worst one.

I'm fine, dude.

Yeah.

Bitch.

Dude, you had fucking slaves.

I never had a slides.

Yeah, actually, you did have sex slaves.

This analogy really works.

I paid for a fucking rub and tug one time.

You paid for a human being.

I can't, like, you know, purchase a human being's body.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

I gotta get rub and tug one time.

I love you.

Stop getting trolls.

All right.

So

I had a couple of people make sweaters for me in a field.

It was a big deal.

Oh, shit.

Stop getting trolls.

Oh, yeah.

So I fucking invested a little bit in a shack so I could have some nice linens.

Hey, you know who's a fucked up guy?

Eli Whitney, dude, inventing the cotton jig.

There's some guys.

There's some guys.

Come on, man.

Slavery was about to end, probably.

Some guys, send me a thing.

I like to imagine it's the Eli from the World Star hip-hop video.

Yeah, yeah.

The rap Eli.

The rapper's free.

Man, fucking forget you, man.

I'm going to invent the cotton gym, man.

I'm like Rosie Goatophyt.

By sexual.

What is this?

That's Eli Whitney.

It's that Eli.

That was one of the first

vibs.

You know, I don't know if in my head, Eli Whitney's always been a black guy, just because it seems like it's not, it's a white guy, but it's like, it seems like that would be the guy to invent the cotton gin.

Would be a black guy that's like, guess who just got us the summer off, fellas?

The original tech book.

Let's hit the vacation house.

Time for Black Bike Week.

Let's go to Myrtle Beach.

Dude, he disrupted

the Black Rot rally.

Oh, fuck.

I just watched the Black Bike.

You back in?

Yeah, no,

there's a weird static noise on there.

Oh, fuck.

Dude, Ben Siska.

What?

Adam's commenting on the TV.

Look at the way he kisses his son.

Oh, dude, he kissed him tenderly.

We're watching Deep Space Nine.

Yeah.

Oh, my dad.

I hung out with him.

James.

How's your father?

Avery Brooks.

Avery Brooks is fucking insane, dude.

Who's Avery Brooks?

Him.

Ben Sisko.

I watched some uh some like

special it was like captains on captains I forget what it is it's like the all the people that played Star Trek captains talking about fucking each other yeah fucking each other and he's he's uh the gayest of all no he's fucking nuts dude I believe it dude yeah

how's that funeral sad not good yeah very sad damn I thought it was gonna be sick no it was not chill and it made me really sad I love I love all the dumbasses that are like dude, at my funeral, they're going to like, fuck it.

So who's the comic that had that bit?

I had that bit.

No, but there was,

it was like Jim Brewer.

Either Jim Brewer or like Pablo Francisco, they would be like, oh, I see.

He's going to lower my fucking body down, like, you know, lasers or whatever.

Like a bunch of idiots I knew that were like, my funeral, they're going to like fucking put my ashes in fireworks.

And it's like, all those guys.

That's what.

Overdose 19 years old.

Only your family's at the funeral.

It's a fucking horrific event.

There's nothing fun about it.

It's sad, but also not that sad, and that's kind of sad.

It's your mom not even being able to work up tears because she was so tired of dealing with your cool deaths and addiction.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's going to be, there's going to be a fucking band playing CKY.

Oh, yeah.

He's going to be there because I'm going to die in a jacket.

Everyone heard about how Hunter S.

Thompson, they shot his shit up into fireworks.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

Dude, I do drugs just like him, dude.

And we're both really good writers.

So that's probably how I'm going to go out.

There was some fun.

We're both equally as talented as

talented.

My favorite Thought Catalog guys were the like HST, you know, Thought Catalog.

I love that.

I'm on Mescaline right now.

There's a guy named

Oliver or something.

I can't remember.

But it's like, I'm writing this from a bathroom right now.

I'm homeless.

Just go get a job.

Stop fucking blogging on Thought Catalog from the McDonald's bathroom.

Is there any way to make the font typewriter font on thought catalog?

Um, yeah, so we just want this to be a little cooler.

Um, yeah, I hung out with my family, though, dude.

There's fucking the our house is in shambles.

There's squirrels living in the fucking roof, the shingles.

They're just like squirrels in like the little porch.

They've made a nest there, and my dad's like, ah, it's fine.

I'm like, you're a fucking squirrel.

Did they fix the hole?

No, the hole is still there.

father is is holding us ranting us host contractor i i know i first of all i have to pay for the materials and he's like i'll do it if you help me it's like okay i'll drive down from you what about your buff brother that we're all gonna have to come this is the only way he gets any

his house

i know

but it's like my my the rest of my family has to live there he he is fine living with a fucking hole in the roof i would be too

i'm on his side you would love to fucking you would love to fucking.

Wait, is it in your old bedroom?

The hole?

No, it's in the fucking living room.

It's in the middle of the center of the home.

And every time it rains, we have to put pots and pans down, dude.

My mom loves it, Amber.

Yeah, he's a fucking.

Yeah, so I have to fucking go down.

I'm doing the DC

lounge on the October 20th, I think.

And so I'm just going to have to go stay an extra day in Baltimore and help my father.

Is that a one-day job?

Yeah, I think it's a one-day job.

Yeah, you just put a piece of plywood, fucking nail it in the wall, that's it.

Put some roof shape on it.

I mean, I'm imagining, you know, like you

smashing through the wall, and that's

it.

No, it's not the wall, it's the ceiling.

Oh, it's the ceiling.

It's the roof.

Yeah, it's the ceiling.

And it's so.

No, there's two separate holes.

I'm sorry, I didn't clarify.

We should just get a squirrel hole that's in the front porch leading to the fucking home.

That's shitty, dude.

And then there's a hole above the fucking living room

that rain comes into.

And by the way,

the downstairs bathroom is covered in mold and shit, and they stripped all the fucking tiles and shit off.

It looks like a fucking.

My home looks like the best home in Syria right now.

It's fucking brutal, dude.

Well, it's the best.

It's a best, yeah.

So, yeah, I have to do it.

I think Hassad's house is the best house in Syria.

Yeah, I'm sure it probably has a nice house a lot nicer.

That's true.

That's true.

That's true.

The lion, dude.

Well, so it's not even the nicest.

It sounds like it's just a shitty house for any situation.

Yeah, it's a shitty house.

Yeah.

But my father just has, and also he sleeps in the living room.

He looks at it every day.

Yeah, he sounds like a real piece of shit.

Yeah, he's a fucking idiot.

But is the bird grandpa his dad?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course.

He's become a cat guy.

Like, my grandfather was a bird guy.

My father just has like nine stray cats around his fucking.

And the motherfucker's covered in fleas.

Like the dirty kid from the peanuts.

Yeah, like Pigpen.

I swear to God, dude, there's fleas on all his shit.

He brings fleas.

His dad has fleas.

My father has fleas.

I didn't know Adam and your dad hung out.

Yeah.

Oh, my bug.

Yeah.

It's weird.

I didn't know Adam was good friends with your dad and

literally lived on your dad.

Some people are fucking obsessed with that bug thing.

With what?

The bug thing.

It's because it's the truth.

It's the truth.

Dorks out there on the internet that are like, oh, bug, a bug.

Just like 20 times a day.

Hey, man, don't do sparring people.

It sounds like you're definitely not mad about it.

Yeah.

Adam, you got to stop getting trolled, man.

I'm mad about it.

It sounds like you're not mad about it at all.

And they'll probably stop now that you've mentioned it.

Now that you've reiterated it after it had mostly died down.

No, I think it's really cool.

And I think that they're really cool to do that thing that I said they were going to do and then just fuck do it over and over

20 times a day.

Oh, fuck.

Amber just took for so much six years.

You know, the problem with biking here is I have to bike home.

I'll bike with you.

You can take it on the train.

Come to Astoria, baby.

I'll fucking bike to Astoria and sleep on your couch.

I don't give a shit.

Hell yeah.

Come through.

I have to go to therapy at 10 in the morning tomorrow, so I have to leave at 9.

I'm not going to sleep tonight.

I've had a rough couple of days.

What's wrong, babe?

Well, you know,

I went to the shore and I saw my grandparents.

Oh, fuck yeah.

We didn't even talk about yours when it was.

I was not like, let's talk about my dying grandparents.

Well, Well, yeah, I mean, I just talked about the squirrel hole in my room.

That's funny.

I don't know.

Watching my grandfather fall down the stairs and fucking bruise his ribs is like not.

It's funny if you put it to like a

well, he slipped on a bunch of calm.

Is it like a Benny Hill?

Yeah, but Benny Hill shit.

Yeah.

That sucks.

A hot lady's top fell off when he tumbled down the stairs.

Oh, yeah.

It was cool, though.

We all went to dinner.

That's nice.

They're too old to finish their meals now, so I ate everyone's dinner.

Oh, that's nice.

What do they have?

Calories.

Salmon.

Nice check.

And

some kind of like...

I don't remember what cut of meat it was, but it was like

some kind of beef medallion with bacon.

I don't fuck with medallions, dude.

I need that fatty shit.

Yeah.

Even if it's wrapped in bacon.

I like medallions as long as they're

on a necklace on a man riding this album.

Just eat medallions album.

Oh, that's another thing that happened in Baltimore.

I relapsed heavy.

I was so stressed out with my family and the funeral.

I was eating like a fucking savage, dude.

Yeah, I was having free Magoobi's meals every night.

Oh, I hit a fucking...

I did the sad shit that I used to do when I was fucking depressed as shit.

I just, I ate at Magoobi's for free.

Had a big-ass fried food ass meal.

And then I went home and just hit the fucking McDonald's by the travel plaza just fucking popped a 20 it was a 10 piece i wasn't that bad and a mcflurry

just before what mm

uh oreo you had like what two days with that bike and you're like this is justified no

lance armstrong used to order just the whole side of the menus because he was biking so much oh really i think i you know i am bike boy now i think i'm gonna get my nut chopped off to be aerodynamic like lance did yeah

dude we all had shit i was watching i was watching a video.

This is sort of related to Lance Armstrong and getting your genitals cut off.

But there's the New Zealand

Weightlifting Association, they have a trans

woman.

So F to M or M to F?

M to F.

Ooh, that's.

Prior to transitioning, they were already competing in men's weightlifting.

Oh, shit.

And they were in their mid-30s, and they were like a shitty men's weightlifter.

Uh-oh.

And now they're the best of all time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like,

you see them on the platform.

And I guess New Zealand's like a particularly progressive country.

Read G-A-Y.

And so they

like, it's like it was like, you know, in the video, just everyone's like, yeah, we're so happy for her.

You know, this is great.

Right, right, right.

You know, doing what she wants to do.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that's a tough one.

She's throwing the weight up.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, there it goes.

Yes.

Yes.

And nobody's surprised that she's done it.

Yes.

Yes, miss.

Yeah.

But that's always funny.

That's like a hard.

The MMA one's tough, too, because it's like,

I'm happy for you.

100%

MMA.

And she just fucking

up.

And it's like, I'm happy for you.

I'm glad you transitioned and shit, but like, something feels a little off here.

Yours is actually pretty progressive.

Well, it's, but I mean, it's like, like, and these are all arguments that have been played out on much shittier podcasts.

Right, right, right.

But, I mean, it's like, you know,

it's illegal to take additional testosterone.

Right.

That's, you can't do that.

You can't take steroids and compete in any sport, right?

Right.

Other than like competitive bodybuilding.

But maybe if you throw your shit low enough.

Bodybuilding is like the only sport.

In fact, like it should be encouraged for trans people to go into bodybuilding.

Yeah.

Because that's something where, you know, drug abuse is encouraged and you're supposed to die at age 40 from your fucking heart exploding.

Sounds cool.

You know, with like fighting or whatever, if you had like,

you know, a 20-year advantage over a woman where you have testosterone making your bones thicker, you know.

Couldn't you get it low, though?

What?

Your

H levels, your hormones, and shit?

No, once you transition, it does lower your testosterone.

Like, that happens for sure.

But testosterone has a permanent effect on your bone structure.

So, like, they're going to have thick-ass bones.

They're going have thicker joints and thicker wrists and bigger hands and better leverages.

It's just like

on average.

But still, it's like you can.

I looked at Adam when he said on average, by the way.

Well, yeah, Adam has, you know, very small, little, beautiful little A-cup tits.

Beautiful.

Thanks.

You do have a little titties, dude.

Yeah, just he's all nipple.

It's like a big

incredibly small nipple.

You do have small nips.

I like a puffy nip.

We've talked about this.

Yeah, we have.

I like all nips, Adam.

Very big, soft vagina.

Stav's got some nice silver dollars.

I got some nice nipple runes.

He's got some nice silver dollars.

They're tanned too.

They're nice and fucking brown.

You know?

I like all shades as well.

Yeah.

Nipple.

I'm going to get little lamp shades on my nipples.

Little tassels.

Yeah.

No, little lamp shades.

Yeah, yeah, with tassels.

Yeah.

Like, you know what I'm going to get?

Some sconces.

Sconces, Jesse.

Light up nipple piercings with sconces.

You know?

So I like the nautical themed ones.

So So I look like a bad guy from Bioshock.

With my fucking port window.

Shipwheel nipples.

Right, exactly.

Just big brass, glowing yellow nipples.

People are like, what the fuck is that?

I'm like, ah, you know, I used to be pretty into video games.

So

after I played Bioshock, I got my nipples permanently converted into

whatever this is.

So, you know, I don't know.

The mid-naughts were a different time.

It was before all this Trump stuff.

I didn't realize that

glowing

diving bell nipples were going to be the symbol of hate.

That's right.

The new swastika.

I didn't realize that was what it was going to be.

It's the teens, though, bitch.

It ain't the knots.

I'm talking about in this story, I would have gotten them back then.

I'm too hungry to fucking focus.

Speaking of which, it's about to be the 20s.

You think that's going to flappers or something?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah,

I used to joke about that like 10 years ago.

Oh, really?

Me and Jake were drinking one time.

I was like, we're going to be like 20s guys.

Yeah, hell yeah.

We're going to call each other Yag.

Is that what they called each other?

Yeah, he's a good Yag.

You ever watch Miller's Crossing?

No.

God damn it.

You're such a fucking idiot.

What's that about?

It's about

the best Cohen Brothers movie.

Really?

I don't know about that.

It is.

It's the best Cohen Brothers movie.

Adam disagrees because he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Shut the fuck up.

You plebe.

I'm a plebe.

What's the best Cohen Brothers movie then?

You're just fucking disagreeing because you don't even know.

Fargo.

I'll make a list of movies I should watch.

Fargo is not as good as Miller's Crossing.

Fargo's good as shit, dude.

Fargo's good as shit.

Fargo is a shit.

Fargo is a shit.

I'm not saying Fargo's a bad movie.

Guys, Nick thinks Fargo sucks.

Miller's Crossing is a better movie.

Yeah, but Miller's Crossing doesn't blow Fargo out of the wall.

I mean, they're both very good movies, but Fargo's movie.

Did I say it blows Fargo?

Fargo's like, I got social movies I gotta watch.

Miller's Crossing.

What else?

What else goes on the list?

Are we talking Cohen Brothers movies?

The movie where a bunch of atoms flock your father's penis and suck the blood out of it.

They jump off a cat,

millions of them.

That bug.

He's got a cat named Hercules.

Bugs Life 2.

Ants.

Dick ants.

Stavros, you have to come home.

I have decants.

I have deck ants.

I have decants again.

And

I will clean them, but you have to pay for it.

If you do not pay for it, I will let the dick ants kill your mother.

And I'm on your dad's dick, and I'm talking to

my dick ant therapist, and I'm like, what editor do would it be?

Dick ants are trying to circumcise him by biting his foreskin off.

I told you guys about that.

My whole purpose is

to circumcise you.

You told us about that.

The dick ants trying to.

No, no, no.

Trying to circumcise your dad.

Yeah, you definitely told us about that.

Yeah, yeah, I love that.

I told you that story.

When I went to the doctor and one of them said I should get circumcised, my dad was like, What, is he fucking Jewish?

Yeah.

He thinks it's a Jewish conspiracy to get everyone circumcised.

Oh, but of course.

I'll never get circumcised.

I'm not sure I'm going to do it to my kids.

Oh, look at this kid.

You're impotent.

First of all, I'm not impotent.

Oh, do you have any proof?

Yeah.

I have impregnated a woman before, actually.

Yes.

I hope I'm.

Maybe I am.

Have you guys impregnated someone before?

your boy's a plan B captain I've I will never find

I did and some woman had like a miscarriage she told me like

she was like she was like yeah I didn't have my period for like three months and then it was like I was bleeding profusely and I was like holy shit interesting so I dodged a bullet there

that would have been a nightmare yeah I had to go to the clinic and it was me and all bad boys went

abort the baby out of your ass

I was not the pregnant one Stavros

I was the man.

Yeah.

They stuck the little vacuum up Adam's ass.

And then the doctor's like, Adam's ass is sucking too much.

It's sucking harder than the vacuum is.

We've got a war here.

She can't handle any more pressure.

The vacuum is going to burst.

Scotty, doing it.

She's not going to make it.

That's very greasy, Scottish abortion vacuum engineer.

Scotty the abortion document.

She's not gonna make it, Captain.

His ass is too powerful.

That's very funny.

That's good shit, baby.

Call me that, whatever that was on Twitter.

Well, that's probably gonna do it for this one.

Yeah.

Come to the show.

Is this gonna air before the show?

It doesn't matter.

No, no, no.

I mean, come to funny moms.

What they say.

Oh, yeah.

Funny moms on Monday coming up.

Oh, shit.

I think I'm booked for something.

What?

Monday night.

I'm doing Good for You, I think is the name of the show.

It's one of those Brooklyn, it's a Williamsburg show.

Don't do some, just do our show.

We're our fans on Sunday.

Wait, Good For You is not a Monday show.

They said October 7th.

They said, do you want to.

Nah, dude, we're the 9th.

We're the 9th.

What the fuck is the 7th?

The 7th is Good For You.

That's a good show.

At Cantina Royale, it's a Saturday.

What the fuck is Saturday?

We have to shoot the thing on Saturday.

Oh, yeah, we're shooting on Saturday.

Oh, you can tell people that.

Yeah, we're shooting web series on Saturday.

It's not the web series.

No, it's not the web series.

We're shooting something.

It's a trailer for.

We're doing a movie.

It's a full motion picture.

We're shooting a movie in a day.

99 minutes.

I wanted to keep it.

You know, I kept lying about the web series for so long.

Sex comedy.

It's now the truth begins.

It's porn.

Yeah, so Funny Moms the 9th.

Funny Moms is the 9th.

All three of us will be there with good attitudes.

Yes, men will.

Stop and I are are in DC on Wednesday.

It doesn't mean that's sold out.

It doesn't matter.

It's coming out the same day.

Also, shout out to everybody that died today.

Yeah, prayers up for Vegas, my hometown.

Peace up, Tom Petty for VGas.

And P's down for Tom Petty.

And I won't.

Suck.

And also, by the way, that's what I listen to.

This is the only news organization that you're going to hear say this.

Tom Petty was a terrorist.

Okay?

Yeah.

All right?

Okay.

Yeah.

Why don't you let that sink into your fucking white man?

He wasn't a lone wolf.

He was a fucking terrorist.

He was just

a terrorist.

The Heartbreakers were a terrorist organization.

Just like Islam.

Just like Islam is.

Read the Quran.

Oh yeah, bitch.

Read the words that it says.

All right.

Well, goodbye.

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