Ep. 69 – Valero Boss

Ready to buy a car, a home, or just want to take control of your money?

Your FICO score matters, and 90% of top lenders use it to make decisions.

Check your FICO score for free today without hurting your credit score.

Visit myfico.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app today.

My FICO gives you the score lenders use most, plus credit reports and real-time alerts to help keep you on top of your credit.

Visit myfico.com/slash free and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

And I'm back.

Back in business, baby.

Back in the booth.

The flu, something, something wicked.

Flu knocked me out.

Yeah, you were fucked up.

Welcome back.

I lost,

I think, seven or eight pounds.

So it's no longer fat, Nick.

Yeah, you look good.

No, I'm still fat.

No, you look better.

I lost finish.

You know what I did?

I got an expensive scale that

shoots electrodes through your body to tell you exactly what.

Can I get on it?

It says I lost bone while I was sick.

That I have

bone loss.

I can supply with a little bone, pal.

Actually, you know, you say that as a joke, but a lot of people don't know that Stav's dick actually has a bone in it.

Yep.

Really?

It's always hard.

I'm stiffed up 24-7.

25-4-8.

The Greeks evolved from birds.

That's why you go back way in.

That's true.

All the people that had history, like way back in time, they evolved from birds and reptiles and shit.

And all the newer people, like the Irish and blacks, were apes.

Oh, Jesus.

No, it's true.

I read this book.

It's just cool.

I found this like 250-year-old book in the library.

What was it called?

It's an old science book.

It's old.

I mean, it's called good.

It's called Where Those The I Why the Irish and the Blacks Are So Dirty by

Professor

George Washington.

A highly respected medical and science book in its time.

And it says that if you scrub a black person hard enough, eventually they'll turn into an Irishman.

Interesting.

What did this Tome have to say about Jews?

I don't think they were around yet.

Oh, they were around.

250?

I feel like Professor George Washington had some opinions about Jews.

Oh, the Jews were the first people, everyone.

That's not true.

They were around forever.

Absolutely not.

Adam, the first man, the first man.

He wasn't Jewish.

Wasn't Jewish.

He wasn't Jewish.

Eve was.

They were Jewish.

She was like Christians came first, and then they invented Judaism later when Jesus.

No, the first Jew is Abraham.

Jesus fucked up and got hemmed up on some bullshit charges.

That's right.

And they were like, this is really going to be free my man Jesus.

This is going to be bad PR.

And then so all of Jesus' boys were like,

let's blame it on Jews.

Somebody was like, what are Jews?

And they're like, they red constants.

Redcon guys.

Are they redcon Jews?

Yeah.

So those guys over there,

those big nose guys with shitty sandals.

They all have big nose.

Anybody that likes deals,

you know those guys that just have that voice?

What is that?

They're just like a group of friends that are all annoying.

And that's the story.

Oh, wow.

That's the story of Hanukkah.

Interesting.

Wow.

Jesus started Hanukkah.

Well, no.

Jesus just went to jail.

Jesus got for trying to promote the Subway sandwiches of the time, which was the Bible.

Well, Jesus was a Bernie bro.

He was anti-banks.

Yeah, dude.

Actually, he was

a Marxist.

No, he wasn't.

He was a libertarian.

Jesus was a libertarian, yep.

Well, then they stole the concept of Jesus from

Zoroaster, and their guy, it was just

like Freddie Mercury, basically.

Oh, a gay guy with a mustache?

So their god was Freddie Mercury,

and that's who Jesus is based on.

Oh, interesting.

Wow.

We're learning a lot today.

Yeah, well, you know, I've been doing a lot of reading while I've been sick in bed.

While you've been having the flu?

Yeah.

You seem smarter.

Yeah.

Well,

what the flu does, I also read this in my book.

The George Washington one?

Yeah, when you get sick, you need to start cutting yourself,

and it gets all the black blood out of your system.

You need the humors.

That's what an illness is, according to Mr.

Speaker.

That is some fluid.

You gotta bleed it out.

The Greeks came up with that.

Yeah, we thought, I remember the thing.

Every fluid in your body is like, you have to maintain a balance of your humors fluid.

That's right.

I kind of do the same thing now.

I have four fluids.

Cold brew, a green juice, cum, kombucha, cum, and cum, the fourth fluid.

So I just have to, if I'm running on all those, I'm feeling good.

And Adderall.

I'm starting to think it might not have been the flu.

I inhaled a bunch of iron dust.

Mm-hmm.

From what?

I was grinding the inside of a cast iron to resurface it.

You resurface?

Wait, you got it.

I got it pretty smooth.

You can go look at it.

I didn't reseason it right away, so it immediately has just started rusting.

Yeah, that was.

Why don't you just reseason it?

No, now I have to throw it out.

Why did you grind it?

How much did you reseason it?

I went like $100?

No, they're like fucking $15 $15 on Amazon.

But they're the lodge ones and they have like a bumpy surface.

Yeah.

But if you just go at it with an orbital sander and like 60 grid, you can get it to like a pretty smooth finish.

You work your way up.

You get a mirror finish on that.

Why do you want that?

Then I can see myself smoking.

You're going to stink on it.

No, I'm going mirrors out.

Do you want to fucking look at yourself?

Yeah.

Now that you're slightly less fat?

No, what I was going to do is I was going to resurface or just re-season it, but then like I was trying to get all the gunk off and I couldn't, so I used a wire brush to get it it all.

And then you fucked that up a little bit.

I guess you're like, you know what?

I'll just take this all the way the fuck down.

It's like when you eat a little chocolate bunny, yeah, and you have the ear, you're like, I'm just gonna stop at the ear, and then you keep nibbling, and then it's just the bunny's feet, and you're like, I gotta eat the bunny.

That old problem we all know about.

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

Eat a chocolate rabbit meant for a child.

Just eat a seasonal chocolate.

Come on.

You motherfuckers have never nibbled at a chocolate bunny.

Like

July and

Easter candy.

Only in stores in early April.

It's September now.

That's not something you've experienced.

You've eaten too much of a chocolate rabbit that you're only going to eat a piece of.

No, you're alone on that one.

Come on.

I'm imagining a young Stavros befriending the rabbit and then crying as he eats his friend.

He can't help but kill his friend with his fucking eating problems.

He's too hungry.

Legitimately, that would be a huge issue.

Stop eating.

If pets were edible, I would 100% have eaten my pets, dude.

There's no way around edible.

Hold on, hold on.

Pets are edible.

No, you know what I'm saying.

If you just took a bite of meat, dogs were made of chocolate, and they were living and shit.

Stop.

Dogs are made of chocolate.

Really?

That's why they're allergic to it.

Oh,

too much chocolate.

That makes sense.

For real, though, I would eat.

If all pets were made, were large chocolate things that didn't melt because of whatever magic, but you could bite them.

If life was basically like that episode of Simpsons where Homer's thinking about

Simpson's,

we are from the land of chocolate.

Yeah,

the land of chocolate.

Then I would eat them.

Then I would eat my pet.

Yeah, so, anyways, we should probably talk about a hot item.

Somebody asked me to comment on the PewDiePie story.

What?

What?

He's a YouTuber.

He's being persecuted.

You know, first of all, I don't know what the fuck.

I don't use YouTube.

He said the N-word.

I'm not a YouTube guy.

I don't understand that YouTube world.

All I know of PewDiePie is that I was walking past Barnes and Noble two years ago, and he was speaking there.

Oh, what?

And I assumed it was more of that, like, what did that Tao Lin?

What was the name of that genre of Tao Lin?

Yeah, Mumblecore.

No, not Mumblecore.

Mumblecore.

Alt-Lit or Alt-Lit?

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

No, that's not what PewDiePie is.

No, I know, but I assume that's how it is.

Taol Lin, I thought

because of the stupid name.

Right, right.

You're right.

You know, I'm like, this has got to be some dip shit that makes like SoundCloud rap and has published a book of like one word per page.

Where is he?

Swedenpie could be the name of like a girl with like those really short bangs.

Yeah, he's sort of like he's from Sweden.

Like a centimeter.

I thought it was a cartoon.

No, he's from Sweden

and he's 5'9, which is basically like being a pedophile in Sweden.

He must be the smallest man in Sweden.

You're a complete outcast in Sweden at that height, which explains why he became sort of like a YouTube gamer guy.

Now, I guess the deal here is that he was live streaming himself playing some first-person shooter,

and some guy shot him, and he called the guy the N-word.

He goes,

Can you believe this guy?

He's being a, you know, whatever.

And people are outraged.

They're like, oh, we knew he was racist or whatever.

And it's like, yeah, the language is wrong, but like, I don't know why we can't just admit, like, he was kind of right about that guy.

How was the guy being?

I mean

if you ignore what he said

wait he shot him.

I don't know.

That's pretty cool

Jesus Christ.

I just did you know what I just don't get about the whole thing I don't know who the fuck PewDiePie is but he's streaming a game and he said the n-word.

It's like how is this the first time that's happened?

Yeah, that's pretty record.

In my mind, like Twitch, the world of Twitch and getting popular on Twitch is just a game of who cannot say the N-word the longest.

And this headline here is that PewDiePie just ended his high score of being the longest time, he's like the Ken Jennings of

N-word while playing video games.

I thought that he's a repeat offender.

Like he lost a Disney contract.

Yeah, he did some other racist shit.

Yeah, because

he did stuff that was like irony, you know, or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which, again, is like that I'll defend.

And even this is like,

I don't even think he's really racist.

He's just, that's like an outburst you have online if you're a fucking idiot that just spends all their time playing first-person shooters.

Like, it's just a little bit of a motion.

He was just trying to oxygenize nothing.

He was trying to just join the culture.

It is racist, but it's not like that's like, oh, this is some hidden.

This isn't like an outburst where he lost his temper.

It's some black guy on the street and there's a video of him screaming, you know, the N-word.

It's not like a Mel Gibson sort of thing he just doesn't know what else to say which is why you have to use faggot acceptable until mid-2018 when i think we still have to be retired i think i still feel bad when i say it yeah but you say it constantly and i feel bad about it and i'm trying to stop i am going oh that was

that was a rough one ew

damn dude anyway so is he like particularly good at video games like why is he so popular i don't know is he cute i don't i really don't understand i mean mean, like, we joked.

He's not cute.

We joked around.

He's not cute.

No.

He's better looking than you are.

Absolutely.

So,

he's pretty cute.

He's cuter.

Yeah, he's better looking.

He's weird looking.

He's got a fucked-up bullcut.

He's not.

Does he have a bull cut?

He's got a fucked-up bullcut.

I think you're confusing Dylan Roof and PewDiePie.

I literally might be, actually.

Can you imagine if Dylan Roof's name was PewDiePie?

Holy shit.

I think that's a good thing.

PewDiePie shot up a church.

He will, dude.

That's the next race.

The trial.

PewDiePie's going to do.

PewDiePie.

I'm just mad.

No,

what's going to happen is PewDiePie is going to go into a black church, and they're all going to be camping behind the pews, and they're going to snipe him as soon as he walks in, and then he'll have his racist outbursts that'll mean something.

Because they were sniping and camping.

They were camping.

They weren't playing the game the way they were supposed to be.

They weren't playing the game the right way.

With honor.

With discipline and honor.

Fuck PewDiePie.

How dare you camp?

My teammates.

This is is a huge loss

for anyone.

Fuck YouTubers, number one.

Yeah, fuck anyone number.

Strike one, you're a YouTuber.

Yeah, it's all about having a podcast on Patreon.

Yeah, that's cool.

First of all, other people made that video.

That's how you do social media.

It wasn't with honor.

Other people made that fucking.

We were on the Vanguard, dude.

We're the Patreon fucking.

Yeah, we were the second Patreon ever.

Absolutely.

First, it was someone selling their nudes.

Yeah.

It was that lady with no eyebrows?

What's her name?

Selling her nudes?

Who?

Oh, with those fucked-up eyebrows.

Yeah, she looks like magic marker on her shit.

She's married to that guy, Gaiman.

Neil Gaiman.

Wait, she's married to you?

That lady.

Andrea.

And Amanda.

Knox.

Knox.

Hell yeah.

Amanda.

She just got something fucked up.

I know her fucking name.

God damn it.

And people give her money.

Amanda Palmer.

God damn it.

You know how hard it is to use my brain?

There's so much in there.

There's so much

when it's not, yeah.

It's such a big file cabinet you got to go through.

Right.

There's so much buffering.

Oh, I'm thinking of someone else with fucked up eyebrows.

What does she do?

She's a singer?

She does nothing.

Oh, yeah.

Isn't she the one that...

Oh, I was thinking of someone else.

You're thinking of the lady who's like ripping off her band.

She's got like the number one, or maybe Chopa's number one, but she has like the biggest.

Yeah, Amanda Palmer, yeah, that's right.

She didn't pay her band or some shit, or I don't fucking fucking know.

She didn't pay her band?

Now she's fucking fucking fucking bad.

Yeah, she was fucking people over a while ago, I think.

All right, whatever.

So

that's that hot use item.

Yeah, man.

Fucked up eyebrows.

You got someone up.

You know, you should get on Patreon.

Cisco.

Yeah, you should.

New music.

I get fucking awesome.

I literally would.

For songs just sent directly to my fucking inbox, dude.

I want a fucking person with the Thong song every time.

That's fine.

Remix.

Once a month.

I'll take a remix of the thong song.

A monthly.

I want to be in that subscription service.

I'll put that bong hit transplant song.

That's good.

The bong song.

The bong song.

Yeah, she put a banana shenanigans and a moldy old banana.

Also, I've never even seen a banana.

I said, oh, what's down on her team?

I said, yeah, right.

Would you have a bong hit transplant?

And then everyone at the 7-Eleven turned to me and began applauding.

For I had created the greatest joke of all time.

Tommy.

Tommy.

Tom.

People are doing that, dude.

Did I ever tell the story about the show at the Hamilton Arts Collective with Tom Myers?

I believe the one with the TV.

Yeah, with the TV that he wielded out.

That was great stuff.

I don't know if I told the story or not.

I haven't told it.

Tom had a tour of comics one time.

He put together.

Well, he goes, I told Andy Klein, I'm like, yeah, Tom's got his own tour now with comics.

It's him, Brett the Irish Comic, Cat Malone, and

I think I can't remember who else was on it.

And fucking

Andy Klein goes, What's it called?

The shitty comics?

It was even better, though.

It was called The Heathens.

The Heathens logo.

Oh, they're bad.

The fucking Heathens.

The logo was a burning cross.

No, it wasn't.

It was.

Oh, you got it.

That's like a cake of cake.

I know.

Tom just didn't know.

He thought it meant like set Jesus on fire.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, Tom.

Tommy.

No, the Hamilton Arts Collective.

He did the comedy there.

It was hosted by Lucy Fur, which was just a videotape of Brett the Irish comic wearing sunglasses in front of a fireplace.

Hosted by a video.

It's a job that's only about energy and getting the fucking audience involved.

Tom did a fucking like hour and during his set after every setup Tony Grasik starts going

Tom Myers.

Tom Myers.

So before he hits the punchline everyone's chanting his name and then he says it and then the response is yeah.

He like Peters out.

So he's not he's like bombing to chance.

The king.

The once and future king.

Oh God.

No, that show was bizarre.

Like I mean he he ate it and he ran off stage crying and Oh, no.

Yeah, Cat Mala.

Don't pretend like you give a shit, dude.

You're the performative empathy you have for

people.

You can signal, dude.

For people that you mock.

Have you ever met Tom?

Of course I met Tom.

You've had the least relationship with me.

I've had the least.

Definitely the least.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, when I met him, I was already a fan.

His reputation preceded him.

Well, so he was crying, but then you watch him, like, almost

in a second in his head, as the tears are drawing on his face, go, no,

it's society that's wrong.

And then it's like, I killed him.

Tom is Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, he immediately, basically, yeah, it's the same personality.

They also have the same body and haircut.

Also, the same tastes and sunglasses.

It's weird.

The more I think about that, Tom Gotcha.

Tom

Hillary Clinton,

it's probably from

her pussy, which he ate.

Oh, that's how you become an interview.

She's like a werewolf.

If you eat her pussy, you turn into her.

Yeah,

I hear she's hiring interns.

The best part of that joke is the adjusting the belt.

He says, she's probably going to hire some interns and they adjust the belt.

Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, like a 50-year-old plumber showing up to eat some pussy.

Got to adjust the belt.

Postmenopausal.

Cobwebbed pussy.

Shouts out to Tommy.

Dylan told that story about how his brother, Dill Meyer's brothers,

Tom was his waiter at a Mexican restaurant.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

No, there's a YouTube of him touring that Mexican restaurant as if it's going to be the new hot comedy venue.

But I think it was pretty much just a place that he was working.

Yeah, the props to him for getting a waiting job.

He worked at 7-Eleven.

That story about the bong hit transplant, about being in line behind someone, is a lie.

He was working at 7-Eleven.

Which, you know,

everybody's got to work a job.

I would take a 7-Eleven job if I had to.

You know, when the bottom falls out, I'll be working there.

7-Eleven-Eleven?

Yeah, that or Chevron or Valero.

Valero?

That's the coolest sounding gas station.

Yeah, it sounds like Spanish.

Valero sounds like a sword.

Zorro's sword could be a sword.

The boss is

a very slick-looking Spanish man with a pencil-thin mustache, a spy versus spy outfit.

Yeah,

where is the money from the gasoline?

The gasoline.

I'm from Ibiza.

They're like, Do you even know Spanish?

No.

It's an Indian guy.

My name is Brian.

My name is Brian.

My mama used to get high off battery acid while she was pregnant.

I have battery fetal

batteries.

This is a speech impediment.

My mama, her pussy has a seizure when I was born and it cut off the blood to the brain.

I am from Illinois.

I grow up, I had to wear rubber pants.

So

to make me cool, I dress

like this.

Anyway, please wear the money, Gasoline.

You get that convertible Dusenberg you drive around in.

It's the only car that lets the retarded people drive

because it's so old.

At the DMV, they say you can't drive a new car, it's loopholed in.

I can drive a convertible Dusenberg

12 ceiling

retarded

Dusenberg.

No, he's the owner, dude.

He's the owner.

Excuse me.

Which way to the urinal, so I'm a cleaner.

That is my job here.

People think I am the owner because of the big feather in my head.

But that is actually growing out of my head through the hat.

It's a deformity.

I don't want to have a feather in my head, but I'm part bird because my mom fucked the green.

Brian, man.

Brian.

Brian, you're a wild man.

That's a good character.

I was doing a character with Shut

called Horny Goku.

Go for it.

I'm horny.

Can I suck your cock?

Yeah, that's pretty good.

That's pretty good, right?

Yeah.

I got to get in the rhythm of it, you know?

Is this a dick sucking workshop?

I'm looking for the this is like an elderly guy that's gone.

Oh, I thought it was McConneh.

Oh, it's an elderly guy that's gone to the community

continuing learning.

Like at the YMC.

I'm looking for the

dick sucking workshop.

Yeah, right through here.

It's still Goku.

I'll suck your dick, sir.

What does the scanner say about his power level?

He's gay.

It says he's gay.

My Vegeta's not bad.

That's an old.

That's an old.

I never watched Dragon Ball Z.

Oh, I didn't either.

It was good.

It was on cable, I think.

Yeah, you broke bitch.

What is it about black people?

Why do they love us?

Yeah, what is it about black people?

Let's get into that.

Yeah.

The new issue is Dragon Ball Z rules.

But like, every black person I'm friends with is a DBZ head.

That's not true.

Yeah, it's pretty much true.

You're generalizing, and we don't do that on this podcast.

Well, the problem is that you only know two black people.

Yeah, you're talking about Jamel.

Yeah.

Jamal.

I don't even know who is that.

There are black people that are comfortable walking around with a man that wears flood pants.

I'm not wearing flood pants.

You're wearing like...

Yeah, that's true.

You do suck.

You're a cool guy clothes on.

I'm just wearing it.

I've decided we're not going to.

We've got to find a way to not be so mean to Adam on the show anymore.

That's fair.

I'm tired of that gimmick.

You're allowed to.

If I deserve it.

Just go with the new initiative.

You don't allow anything.

It happens to you.

It's your will.

All right.

That's fair.

The new.

Can I have get head?

I'll get it.

That's okay.

Is that gay?

Is that homosexual Goku over there teaching the dicks?

No, I'm bye.

I'll fuck a woman, too.

Is that what Goku sounds like?

I don't even know.

It just sounds like Goku's the boy, right?

It sort of does.

Nuh.

No, the boy is.

The boy is Goku.

That's Dragon Ball.

Gohan is.

Gohan is his son.

I don't have time to explain this.

Which one has the fucking tail?

Mr.

Piccolo.

No, no, no.

Mr.

Piccolo.

His name is Piccolo, motherfucker.

That's that green dude.

The green dude is Piccolo.

He's black, Mr.

Greg.

Piccolo G.

Why is he named Vagina?

Vagina.

Because he fucks.

Wait, Piccolo is a green guy, but he's really a black guy, right?

I don't know, is he?

I think he's one of those.

No, Trunks is black.

Trunks is?

Trunks isn't black.

Trunks has pink hair.

Trunks is Vegeta's son.

Trunks is one of those black guys that dyes his hair.

Like little Yachty.

Trunks is a little yet.

That's a good thing.

Frank Ocean.

Anyway, yeah, that's our recommendation of the week is Dragon Ball Z.

That was a good summation.

That's from Dragon Ball Z.

You got to check it out.

Don't let the name fool you.

Not a lot of dragons or balls.

It's mostly Chinese guys that fly around and shoot lasers at the other side.

Are they Chinese?

They're Chinese.

They're pretty much Chinese.

Yeah, of course they're Chinese, dude.

There's a really racist one.

There's Mr.

Popo, and he just looks like a guy that does

blackface.

Yeah, but they love Blackface in Japan.

It's like that is weird.

I mean, Pokemon's got a

culture.

Oh yeah, Mr.

Mime?

No, no, no.

There's a trans blackface.

There is.

Pokemon.

Pokemon?

Well, it's funny you mentioned that because I'm a relaxing.

The new it, the new Steven Kings it.

Did you see it?

Well, no, I didn't see it.

And I didn't see the original either.

Well, wasn't the original a mini-series?

Yeah, with Tim Curry.

Yeah.

What's wrong with my man Tim Curry?

Does he have some kind of disease?

He's in a wheelchair and shit.

No, he's just gay.

He's not gay.

And even if he was, that'd be cool.

He's gay.

He's one of those British guys that's just extremely gay.

And he's like, I'm not telling.

He's just a gender trendsetter.

He's gay.

He embraces destroying stereotypes.

I bet you he fucked up.

You know, there's like that too.

He's not British, but Kevin Spacey is like.

Kevin Spacey's gay as shit.

You'll never know.

No, Kevin Spacey.

Kevin Spacey was British.

He's not out of the closet gay, though.

Come on, that guy's gay.

It doesn't matter.

He's been seen slapping guys' asses.

Yeah.

Well, we do that all the time.

Yeah, but it's a British guys are either gay or they buy prostitutes.

Adam, you're both.

Yeah.

I'm double British.

No, the new hit movie is.

The sun will never say.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

So I didn't see it.

I didn't see the original.

But you know what I've noticed in the Trump era, people, I feel like they would have called this movie transphobic years ago.

For the clown?

Yeah, and it's called It.

You know, I mean, and I feel like the reason that

there aren't these bullshit think pieces about movies anymore is because

of us of Trump.

Because of Trump,

they have something real to complain about.

So they're not complaining about bullshit anymore, which means that the world's kind of gotten better.

At least for me, a rich man.

So that's your take on it, huh?

That's my take on it.

No, I just think if Hillary won every single movie, it would have been.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But 101 Dalmatians, not a single damn one is a black woman.

That's true.

How is that possible?

They're all dogs.

That's very

fair.

Okay, I see what you're saying.

I was skeptical at first, but you've now swayed me.

You know, it's the motto of the show.

I'm always right.

I've got a motto for the show.

Bitch.

Oh, fuck.

I love that that's breathing in your own farts.

It's only affected you.

I made a pull shoulder.

There's a wind guard on the microphone that your fart is getting trapped in well and then you're jumping you're farting into the wind guard and then you're bringing it back

if I walk away for five seconds don't derail the show I gotta blow my nose.

No, you'll be alright.

I made a pork shoulder the reason my farts are so powerful is because I made a pork shoulder and I made beans and rice and also a corn salsa an entire shoulder of a pork the whole well it was a half because I throw too much of it away.

What do you mean?

You don't put it in the fridge for for later?

This is interesting.

It's just not as good.

I think with Nick gone, this is a good opportunity to say thank you because Nick wasn't there on Monday.

But Stav and I hosted

our 9-11 spectacular review.

It was the biggest one we've ever had.

Yep.

Every comic was a former jihadist.

Every comic.

We tried to get an all-Arab

lineup for the 9-11 fighter.

The Arabs Are Coming Comedy Tour.

Yeah, that's right.

But it turned out we only booked Sikh comics.

That's right.

Which I didn't know was a different difference.

I want to do one of those big comedy tours, but it's like the Bangladeshi comedy tour.

And it's us.

And yeah, well, no, it's just guys I find in bodegas.

That's Yemen.

All the bodegas in Brooklyn are Yemeni.

Mostly.

No, the two that you go to are Yemeni.

That's not true.

It's definitely Bangladeshi.

The old one by me, the one next to here, the two by my new place.

You just listed two different places.

That's four, dude.

That's four if you're listening.

It's two.

You said the number two.

You fucking idiot.

Why don't you learn how numbers work?

All right, let's go through it then.

One.

No, no, say it again.

One is if you have one of something.

Yeah.

Two is one more than that.

Okay, so two.

You just said two.

Three

is one more than two.

Say the three of them.

Why did you say one, dumbass?

I was starting with one.

I was telling you how numbers are.

Oh, you said three is one of something.

Oh, I said three is one more than two.

No, dude, three is

one of something.

Three is not one more than two.

One is two more than two separate.

No, you.

No.

It can be three and one more than two.

God damn, you are such an idiot.

Moving on.

How am I an idiot?

I'm an attorney.

Guys, I'm buying a weight vest to wear around.

What is that?

For like pull-ups.

You can be one of those guys.

No,

for pull-ups.

Ankle weight guys?

Yes, but for all when I go around so that I'm 50 pounds heavier.

Just to be so you'll burn more weight or something?

No, it's actually more intimidating.

It's actually something I learned from Dragon Ball Z.

You know what you should get in it?

If you're really trying to cut weight, you should get one of those

Missy Elliott suits that boxers wear when they try to cut weight.

That Martin Lawrence garbage bag almost died in.

Wasn't that the Super Doopa Fly music video?

Yeah, it's so sick.

Beep, beep, who's got the keys to the Jeep?

Vrmrr.

It's a good-ass song.

Can't stand the rain.

You know what?

I love the rain.

You love the rain.

Against my window.

It appeals to my.

Yeah, the rain against my window is actually kind of a pleasant thing.

If you're inside, sure.

I'm going to be.

I'm anti-rain.

Anti-rain driving.

My shoes are wet.

Against your window at the old.

You've got to put the windshield wipers on.

Imagine Stav like a distressed elephant caught in the light rain.

Waving his tail back.

I hate rain, dude.

You hate all rain.

It's dangerous.

Yeah.

Do you know we might decide?

We might get this next hurricane.

Maybe it's probably not going to happen.

Hurricane Jose.

We should fucking.

We should have a hurricane.

We should all sleep in together.

It's going to be.

We're getting a real Brooklyn hurricane here.

So Brooklyn stopped.

Guys, come over to my house.

We'll have a hurricane party.

How are we hurricane Sandy?

Hurricane Hurricane.

We'll make chili, you guys.

The hurricane's going to get nosed.

Why are we talking about the hurricane?

We're going to make chili.

We're current events.

No, we already talked about the hurricane.

When?

Today?

On the bonus.

Did you release post the bonus?

No, there was no bonus this weekend.

Oh.

There was not?

No.

Yeah, there was none.

Nick was sick.

I was sick this weekend.

Wait, what?

We got to take a break.

Folks, it's Nick here once again for MacWeldon.com.

I know what you're thinking.

Who is Mac Weldon?

You know?

And truth is,

I didn't look it up.

I don't know.

I don't know if it's a guy or just the name of the company like Bob Evans.

Actually, I think Bob Evans might be a person.

But whatever.

Mac Weldon, it's a company.

They make underwear.

And

if you're like me, you probably don't spend a lot of time thinking about underwear, which is fine because they do.

Mac Weldon thinks about underwear all the time.

In fact, they think about about underwear so much that they've produced the best underwear that money can buy.

With smart designs, premium fabrics, and a very simple online shopping experience, Mac Weldon is changing the way that you and me don't have to think about underwear at all, really.

One of the ways of doing that is they have a line of silver underwear, which is just the name.

It's not actual, they're not metal, but it's the name silver underwear and

shirts that are naturally antimicrobial.

And what's that mean, you ask?

Microbial?

Who cares?

Again, you don't have to think about it.

From what I understand, it means they have bugs in them that eat smells out of the clothes, so you don't have to bathe.

Mac Weldon doesn't want you to think about all that.

They just want you to be comfortable and they want you to look good.

And that's why they produce underwear that performs well for any occasion.

Going to the gym, you know, working out, going to the gym, pretending to work out, leaving immediately because you hurt your back, which is what I do.

You know, going out on a date, maybe, you know, wear a nice pair of of Mac Weldon underwear.

And they're so sure that you'll like your first pair that if you don't, tell you what, they'll refund the cost and they'll let you keep the pair underwear because that's how much they stand by their product.

So log on to MacWeldon.com and use promo code COMTON, C-U-M-T-O-W-N, to receive 20% off your order and check them out.

Macweldon.com.

Thanks, guys.

Adam's having a housewarming party, but I can't attend because I already took a dump in his new girlfriend's pussy.

Yeah, Adam, what kind of party is it actually?

It's like everyone,

for everyone to be respectful to me.

Everyone take a shit in your new relationship.

Girlfriend's pussy.

Ooh.

No, not.

Is that what the party is for?

That's what the party's for.

I'm not going to say that on the pod so every Tom, Dick, and Harry listening to you.

Is that what it's for?

We can talk.

They're not invited.

It's just for your friends.

I'm just saying.

I'm not saying anyone can shit in your girlfriend's pussy.

She might listen to this.

I'm just saying if we make an arrangement

off podcast.

Adam is telling me during the break that he's done

a little bit of craftsmanship

around the house.

Is that true?

Not really, no.

I mean,

my friend that's crafty,

Max built that thing.

Just a second ago, you said you built it.

No, I said

wasn't.

But

you know, Max listened to the shelf.

That's why I put you in this position.

Yeah, of course.

I don't actually give a shit about your shelf friends.

Nick's coming back to

do some more work tomorrow.

Oh, wait, hold on.

Sorry about that.

Nick's boyfriend just called.

Not my boyfriend.

It's the President of the United States of America.

Whoa, DT?

Oh, I'm sorry.

President Spannen.

I mean,

he's gone.

Hillary, my president.

Oh, my friend.

My liege.

You know what I call Hillary?

President Cheeto face.

No.

Yeah.

That's Donald Trump.

That's Donald Trump?

Yeah.

Fuck.

And

I call President Barack Obama President hot fire Cheeto face.

Yeah.

It was so funny when Bush was president for like eight years and everyone's like, he looks like a chimp, doesn't he?

And then fucking Obama became president and all the people that

were making those Bush chip jokes are like, I hope they don't find the website.

No, yeah, no, sorry.

The only reason I threw you under the bus there is because

I knew you were trying to steal Valor.

I was stealing Construction Valor.

I want to hang a shelf.

You don't do.

You don't do that.

I want to mount the TV.

You notice I put the pictures of your new bookshelf that I made on Instagram.

I saw that.

And I made it clear that you were doing the painting.

Well, you said that because it's for women to paint.

Yes, I said that, but I also did not take credit away from you for painting.

Well, I painted your bookshelf.

You painted your bookshelf.

That was my gift to you.

It's not my bookshelf.

It's the second vendor.

I made that for you.

I make things for people.

Everyone thinks I'm a bad guy because I say mean things and I steal from people.

You don't steal.

Well, you're not aware of it.

That's That's what makes it stealing.

Oh, yeah, I guess.

Well, no, you can be aware of being stolen from.

It doesn't have to be secret.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah, like,

I guess that is how stealing works.

Well, let's put it this way: I've been taking lacrosse out of your fridge while you've been napping.

I've been just walking into your apartment, taking them.

Are you kidding?

That's fun.

I used to live with a guy that would steal change out of my room.

What?

And it's like, you can just borrow change, dude.

You don't have to.

I'm not 42 cents.

And I knew, I just didn't like that he was going in my fucking room.

And so I went out of town one time and I left all this change on my desk like a trap, like a pile of fucking change.

And this was before, I mean, you know, I didn't have like a cell phone with a camera on it until like

probably 2014 or 15.

That's right, you were a late adopter.

Yeah, so there was no way to take a picture of it.

So I like meticulously lined up this cardboard box with the inside of my door.

Right.

And then shut the door so that if it opened in any way, it would move the box out of the way.

Right.

And it would be hard to set back up.

Smarts.

And I got back into town after a week and I was like, oh, hey, man, how's it going?

And, you know, we talked for a second, and then I started heading towards my room.

And he's like, oh, by the way, I had to take all that change off your desk.

He like, what?

Just told me.

And I was like,

what do you mean?

He's like, I had to borrow some money.

And he took like $20 worth of change off my desk, every single coin.

Did he give it back?

No.

Because

he ordered pizza and he forgot he didn't have money.

That's not needing to take something.

Did you ever encounter a

real kleptomaniac?

No.

I knew a guy in college that.

One of my best friends is like that.

With bits?

No,

he

just loves stealing.

And he spent the majority of the last decade.

In prison.

Yeah, in jail and shit.

Just because he loves stealing.

I remember I was talking to him on the phone after he had gotten out one time.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, man, we got to hang out, you know, and he's out and about or whatever.

He's like, I just hear him go, like, while he's on the phone, this?

No, I came in with this.

No, I was wearing this when I came in.

You can look at my bag if you want.

No, here, go ahead.

Look at my bag.

Then he walks away.

He's like, dumb Chinese bitch doesn't know I stole.

Yeah, that guy just loved stealing.

And you know what?

Props to him because he would get away with it 95% of the time.

yeah but that five

sounds like he would get 10 years right

i saw the um he would get caught for burglarizing a house

and spend his youth behind bars i stole the other day actually what did you steal you seem like a steal i stole from whole foods wow i stole uh one of those

bezos

you're you know who's the shoplifter is uh

uh

the guy whose name i can't say anymore on the show oh yeah he is yeah sheryl Hernandez's husband.

Yeah, yeah.

Cheryl Hernandez's husband.

He's like, you know, it's just,

he's always like, as long as it's from a biggest store, one of those people.

If it's from a corporation, as if like.

I agree.

No, I mean,

because then the idea there is, what?

That small business owners aren't shitty.

Well, you're doing more damage.

Enough of a difference to their bottom line where it doesn't

hurt.

You're stealing.

I mean,

there's no difference.

Yeah, but

I do feel less bad.

I think there's a moral difference between stealing from a family-owned thing than stealing from

fucking Target or something.

Not really.

Why?

Because the effect on the bottom line between the two of them is so fucking negligible that it really doesn't matter.

The effect on

Walmart like maybe 0.001%.

You're hurting Walmart not at all.

0.0001%.

Yeah, enough people steal, it'll raise their insurance rates.

So it'll 0-0-0-0-1%

versus the mom-and-pop store, 0-0-0-1%.

Yeah, I mean, it's negligible.

You're not really hurting.

The mom-and-pop store is not going to go out of business because you stole a single.

It's a much bigger number.

You literally are contradicting yourself.

Yeah, it is a bigger number.

No, it's a bigger number, but they're both negligible.

So, what's the amount you would have to steal before it's I mean, I wouldn't steal like a I don't know.

I used to steal a lot when I was a kid.

By the way, go ahead and steal if if you want.

I don't know shit.

What was the first thing you stole?

I used to steal porn a lot.

Nice.

Yeah.

When I was like from Hudson News and airports.

It used to like, I had like a weird face.

How is that possible?

So I'd be on the way to camp.

I'd be on the way to camp.

You would buy an airplane ticket.

Whenever I was going to camp, like when I was like 13, 14 years old, I'd go to Hudson News and steal porn.

And then it just,

it carried on until I was like maybe maybe 20.

Do you remember getting homeless guys to buy you liquor?

I never did that.

I used to do that all the time when I was like 17.

We'd ask older brothers with fake ideas.

I would get homeless guys to buy me liquor all the time.

Greek people would buy you booze, no problem.

Yeah, I mean, there would be older, you know, like guys I knew that they're in the business.

But you're also an alcoholic.

Yeah.

So when you needed it, you needed it, baby.

I remember doing that.

Having some homeless guy buy me a handle of Tito's and then drive it over.

Did it ever go bad?

What?

Did the homeless guys

never money?

No, I never had a problem with that.

Did they ever molest you?

Did you tip them?

No comment.

Did you tip them?

No, you just let them drink some of the liquor.

You shared it with

their homeless mouths?

Yes.

I saw you.

I wasn't kissing them.

One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I was in Santa Cruz, California.

I saw two homeless dudes.

One had an ice cream cone, and the other one had a joint.

And they traded them.

That is awesome.

And I was like, that is the cutest.

That is fucking beautiful.

God damn.

No joke.

The happiest I've ever seen any person in my life was, it was Christmas, and I was back home in Baltimore, and I was,

this homeless guy with no legs asked me for a beer, and I went in, but I upped him to a 40.

And the look in this guy's eyes, when he was like, you got me a 40 ounce?

And it was like the most happiness I have ever seen in my fucking life, dude.

You know what?

From now on, I'm going to start doing that every Christmas.

Buying homeless people liquor?

40s.

But saying I'm going to get them less liquor and then getting them more.

Yeah.

I would just buy them heroin.

Yeah, he was doing Coke also.

He was doing crack.

He literally was.

Just buy him a couple of rocks.

But that's scarier.

I'm getting a little old English.

What is your 40 of choice?

St.

Ides.

Why is crack worse?

What?

Why?

Because it's got fucked up shit in it.

St.

Ideas is the most alcohol in it.

I thought, no, Steel Reserve does.

Nah, St.

Ides is higher.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, it might be the same.

In terms of 40s, you're talking about?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I also fucked with Mickey's.

We should do

40 hands, bro.

When I worked in the mall in the cell phone place,

I used to have the...

There's a guy I would hire these other people that were over 21, and then I would make them go buy me beer and shit.

And I just remember getting like a 40s and Mickey's and drinking it in the bathroom at like 8 a.m.

right as I opened the store and then like coming back to work.

Very nicely.

Just helping people drunk.

And they all just knew I was drunk.

A drunk child.

Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

A drunk kiosk cell phone salesman.

Going back to kleptomaniacs, I knew this guy in college that was kleptomaniac who got caught by his roommates for stealing money out of their wallets.

Damn.

And what they did is they like set up all their like computers and they covered like the little green light on and like turned the screens off.

Just like taped him.

They had like three different angles.

And I watched the video and it was like one of the most insane things I've ever seen.

He is sitting at his desk doing work, he gets up, goes to his roommate's

roommate's desk, opens the drawer, looks in his wallet, like goes, takes the money out, puts the money back in the wallet, closes the door, like gets up three or four more times.

God damn, like he had this like whole routine and stuff.

It was one of the craziest things ever.

That's like when you're kind of eyeing up X videos and you're like, nah, I'm not gonna beat off.

You just scroll through a little bit.

It was a total wine.

Sometimes I'll just look at porn and I'm like, yeah, not today.

Not today, Penis.

I got better stuff to do.

Like, look at Civil War articles on Wikipedia with my pants down.

What have you been learning?

You were learning about Civil War stuff?

No, I can't remember.

The last Wikipedia article I read all the way through was the Great Dismal Swamp.

What was that?

It's a big swamp in Virginia.

And it's dismal.

It's bad.

That's really, that's a great name.

It's called the Great.

Yeah, that's why I read the article.

That's cool.

It's the Great Dismal Swamp.

Is it like the biggest swamp ever?

I don't don't know.

I mean, it's really fucked up.

It's pretty fucking big.

They named it that because at the time they didn't know the value of wetlands.

Oh, they thought

swamps were good.

Are they good?

I thought they're bad.

I guess everything's mosquitoes and shit.

Yeah.

And it's humid.

You can't grow shit.

You can't grow that kind, but

you know what I'm saying?

You could grow that hydroponics.

Take a little boat ride through a mangrove.

What do you get?

I don't know.

It's cool.

It's like a tunnel.

That's fun.

I would like, like, having said that, I would like to do a fan boat through a swamp, like a gate or something.

We could do that.

That would be awesome.

We could do that just us boys.

I'm mad I didn't do that when I was in New York.

I want to go paintballing in the woods now that it's fall.

Ooh.

Although this bit of Indian summer we've had this week has been

I'd say distasteful.

It was cold.

I like it, dude.

I'm not ready to go.

I'm already wearing fucking jeans and hoodies and shit.

I got caught outside today in a hoodie in 80-degree weather.

It was hot.

That's fucking bullshit.

Yeah, it was hot yesterday, too.

By the way, shout out to Rad Milk.

The boy that's done it again.

What have you?

So all he does is he fucking just

puts bullshit on.

Like the same shit everyone was doing in 2012.

I guess not everybody, but funny people.

They just comment on brands' pages.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

So he wrote on Arby's page, like, my wife left me.

Can I get a beefy double coupon?

Or whatever?

Can I get a coupon for the beefy big double or whatever?

And somehow, somebody screenshotted it.

It ended up on the Steve Harvey show.

Steve Harvey personally commenting on it.

Yeah.

And he's like, I'm a fan of Aubies.

They do not have a beefy double.

Oh, wow.

That's really well done.

He's like angry.

That's awesome.

Wow, that's a good idea.

I thought it was going to be like a heartwarming thing where Steve gets the guy a sandwich, but no.

No, Steve had to yell at somebody.

Steve had to Everett the boy

getting dirty online.

That guy's hilarious.

he is funny as shit.

Also, shout out to online boys getting dirty, Ted Cruz beating off.

All right, dude.

Well, we got a list of things here.

You can't just

going out of order.

Look, you don't understand.

We talked about the list.

It's not the going out of order.

Look, you've got to be here.

We got this new system when Jake was here.

The system fucking works, but you can't

freewheel and freeze.

I will never be tamed by a list.

I'll be a little bit of a lady of the list.

I will never be tamed by a list, dude.

We will talk about the list.

And if it comes.

All right, how about this?

Stop.

Don't think of it as a list.

Think of it as a menu.

Yeah, and I order what I want from a menu when I want.

I thought you were going to say buffet.

No, I'm not saying that.

Sometimes you go fuck around and get an ice cream.

A menu has a specific

that says no substitutations right now.

Look how many things are on that menu.

Guess what, bitch?

I want to eat the Ted Cruz beating off part of that.

All I'm saying is you can.

All I'm saying is, the point is, if you have a notes list, if I say one thing, you don't go, hey, how about that?

And then say the next thing on the list.

That's exactly how it looks.

That's not how a list works because you blow through everything on the fucking list and we run out of time.

Let the Steve Harvey thing marinate for a fucking second.

I thought it was a seamless transition, Adam.

Well, you know.

Oh, what?

Are you a list guy?

I'm not saying I'm a list guy.

What's your chance to break free from the Shaq's list?

Seamless transition stop meant seamless.com.

Does anyone have it?

Yeah, can I share with you?

Okay, it was you.

You had a transition sent, and from a stand-up set point of view, speaking of beautiful, you brought it to Y.

All right, Roy Rogers bacon cheeseburger.

That's down there.

How about this Boy Rogers?

And it's a place you can fuck a kid.

Boy Rogers.

All right, people.

Now, Ted Cruz beats him off.

Okay.

All right.

Well, now that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Guess what?

I'm over it.

Fuck.

No, I was going to make a

fuck Ted Cruz, but I won't.

Now I want to talk about another part of the list.

I feel like Ted Cruz beating off thing false flag for sure.

Ted Cruz, Ted, more like Ted Surf.

Ted Surf's

for pornography.

Hardcore,

you know what I'm saying?

More like, you know what I'm, you know what I'm saying.

More like Ted Cruzing men's public restrooms.

Nice.

Actually, not more like that because it was heterosexual.

Ted Surf.

I think it was the World Wide Web looking for you know what.

What do do you think it was?

It was just randomly him liking porn that looked like his wife.

That's, I mean, come on.

He's not into that.

You think it was a hack?

You actually believe him?

No,

I think that he did it to seem normal.

I think he's

like, well, Donald beat me because he has, you know, everyone saw his wife's boobs and they think that's cool.

So

he's running.

There's no way that Tim Cruz doesn't have ED.

Yeah, I mean, he looks like a guy that can't get an erection.

The cum probably gurgles out of his dick, like, slowly and bubbly.

I think that's.

Well, there's nothing wrong with shooting a bubbly load.

A gurgly ass load.

A little load.

Just seeping out of your cock slowly.

Like you poured a bunch of vinegar and baking soda down.

That would be cool.

To do an experiment.

Ted Cruz is like one of those cat-like.

One of those ethnic guys that really wants to be white.

So he probably just has.

He is white.

No, he's.

Oh, I guess he's Cuban, right?

But he's a white man.

Look at him, he's a white guy.

Yeah, but he's he's

Latino.

He's part of Latino.

There's white Latinos.

That's true.

I guess so.

He's a white Latino.

But anyway, I think I feel like the way he has said that.

Don't reinforce that idea that there's not white Latinos.

There's nothing I hate more than somebody whose ancestors were most guaranteedly

conquistadors or escaped Nazis.

Yeah, I know.

Saying, like, as a Latino, as a chachina, as a chuchichana, I do not like to be spoken to to Tala like that.

It's like you have a fucking I just feel like he

has a swastika necklace on right now.

That is from my Abuelita.

That is an ancient Mayan

medal from my Abuelita with the eagle and four swastikas

that my Abuelita got from when she climbed onto a mountain and met the butterfly that says the sunset.

Or whatever.

Fucking Marquez bullshit.

Whoa, shit.

Nick's coming from Gabriel Garcia Marquez, dude.

I came for him the week he died.

That magical realism, dude.

Nick has no time for that shit.

I don't, dude.

I do have no time for that.

Your character just has angel wings in one scene.

Get the fuck out of here.

Did you read that book?

Yeah.

Solitude?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pretty good.

1969.

No, it's not.

I liked it.

Overrated.

I liked it when I read it.

That was one of the first books I hated.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

It must have been a big time for you, dude.

It's a long book to hate.

If I hate a book, I just give up.

I finish things.

Nick loves hating things.

I love hating things.

That's what he lives for.

Yeah, but it's not like watching a bad movie.

Reading a bad book is way more of a slogan.

I think I was working at a temp job at the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I was sitting at a desk.

I had nothing to do.

It was either that.

You know what's so funny?

There was so little to do at that temp job that they realized they hired a temp and didn't need a temp.

So they fucking uh

like one day they just wheeled in this old filing cabinet and it looked like an antique filing cabinet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they were like, We need you to alphabetize these employee records.

And I was like,

Don't aren't these already on the computer, and they have been for like since 1992.

They're like, Yeah, but you know, we just have all these old cards that we have a paper record of them, we need you to alphabetize them.

And I look in it and I open it up, and one of them is like,

Eustace Greenwald, born 1897.

Dates of employment 1923 to 1956.

Eustace.

Yeah, and it's like fucking a thousand of these like index cards.

Awesome.

You know, punch cards that they wanted me to.

And I'm like, this all smells like mold.

No one's accessing it.

Where did you find these to fucking make me alphabetize this book?

Did they do it?

Wanted you to do something.

Did you do it, bitch?

Of course I did.

Because that book sucked.

If it had been a better book, I would have been like, fuck you.

I'm reading Garfield

Garcia Marquez.

Bigger, batter,

bigger and blacker.

I can't remember the name of the Garfield books.

One time at my job at college,

I worked at the grad school at UMBC, and I just found a box of folders that people were in the recycling, and I just color-coded them all day to look busy.

I had a folder's

filing job.

The reason they did that to me is because I was sitting there doing nothing.

I didn't try to look busy.

Your ass got caught, bitch.

I did something.

You had to go in the garbage.

Nah, dude.

It was easy to double-check.

Who knows what kind of fucking thing?

He starts eating trash.

He's like, I'm looking busy.

I'm shoving garbage in my mouth to look busy.

I am.

Color-coding folders.

In college, I was working at the Peace Corps at their headquarters in D.C.

And I was working in the Office of Medical Services.

So anytime someone got fucked up on the Peace Corps, they'd file for workers comp, and I had to go through the files and file and organize shit.

I just spent hours reading these harrowing stories.

Adam actually worked for the Drinking Piss Corps.

A different place where you drink PP.

Whoa.

You see that in the office all day?

Is that serious?

Can I give you a little insider intel, though?

No.

There are a ton.

No, you can't.

It happens a lot on the Peace Corps because they put you out there and you're in the middle of nowhere.

And they don't like, you're not around.

That's a pretty racist thing to say about Africa.

You're not around other countries.

Quote them today, folks.

Adam Friedland says, Africa is nothing to me.

Africa is meaningless instead of the most beautiful country in the world, which is the way I feel.

The most beautiful.

It's like a beautiful diamond.

I just want to kiss it every time I think about Africa.

The beautiful diamond.

You got that Toto song.

that Toto song.

Oh DS, of course.

The most famous African.

You know that Toto wrote Human Nature, the Microsoft.

You know what Toto stands for, For Us, Buy Us.

Yeah, exactly.

I was laughing about Andre from Andre Steakhouse thinking that Fila stands for Fellows, Individuals, Ladies Association.

You know Andre's got a Fila fucking tracksuit, dude.

Oh, yeah.

His casual wear.

Everyone he gets home from work and he takes off his vest and his dockers.

His dockers covered in scotch guard so he can pour wine on them and show everyone how fucking cool his pants are.

Shouts out to Andre.

We got to get him on the show sometime.

Andre?

Yeah.

He'd love it.

Speaking of steaks, I would love a steak.

Was I supposed to bring him on the show just there where you said that?

No.

Maybe, but.

I have a sign.

Give me another episode.

Yeah, you're sick.

I can't do that.

Your voice is extra husky today.

Is it husky?

I thought it was nasally.

Sort of nasally kind of whispered.

It's weird because, yeah, I don't have a cough.

I wouldn't say it's husky.

It sounds kind of shitty.

He doesn't sound like that yet.

I'm going to become one of those old guys.

He sounds anguish when I'm talking.

R.I.P.

Philioto.

Oh, yeah.

R.I.P.

The actor.

I forgot to write it.

The Philippioto.

RIP Philioto.

R.I.P.

The Montgomery Gentry.

Dude, R.I.P.

Montgomery Burke.

So many legends.

The Montgomery Gentry died.

So many legends falling in one week.

I don't know if we can handle it.

Death comes in threes, dude.

Fuck you in 2017.

My truck, don't look at my truck.

I look at your wife.

It's the greatest Montgomery Gentry.

Yeah, Nick and I were watching

one night we were watching like a ton of They don't want me in the neighborhood because I keep call rolling all the Mexican folks.

Yeah, all their music videos are like it's like they're like trying to say that they're real men.

They're drunk, everything's a political statement.

Yeah, you just get drunk and pretend they were mad about a burst of division.

They're all like upper-middle-class and mad, like, they don't want

fag Democrats to move into their neighborhood.

It's not even fag Democrats.

It's other Republicans, but it's like Republicans that tuck their shirts in.

Yeah, that don't like mudding.

Yeah.

And what did you say, pitching machine?

Yeah, yeah.

That's just going to replace who's going to replace it.

It's just going to be a pitching machine that fires baseballs on his neighbor's lawn.

And that pitching machine, it's got a trucker hat and a bunch, an entire pack of parliaments that are smoking through.

Oh, God.

Don't you ever look at my truck.

My truck, if you look at it, I'll kill you.

Oh, fuck.

Every song.

Yeah.

No, Brooks and Dunn is the best, though.

Nobody could beat Ronnie Dunn in terms of being a fucking just complete insane

if he didn't have that velvety voice of gold.

He would just be a guy at a bus.

We watched an interview with him where it's like describing.

Where are you talking about cities?

Describe your songwriting process.

And he's like, you know, for me, it's like everything comes down to, you know, there's experiences and then there's, you know, because growing up, all the places I live, you know, there's

New Mexico, Arkansas, all the places I live with my family, my grandmother, and

Texas stands out in my mind and I think more of like a San Antonio vibe or something.

I mean, because that to me,

that is San Antonio.

Something

more or less along those lines.

It's like,

what the fuck are you talking about?

It sounds like by the tone of his voice, like he's answering the question, but it's just

the ramblings of a bus-stop bakery.

Right, yeah.

Well, yeah, when I wrote the song,

She's Not Your Girl, She's Your Lover,

I was imagining

you're driving down a dark, dusty road one night and you start thinking about the time you spent in a wood shop as a young boy.

There's times where sometimes you get a piece of what you want and it's a different way, you understand, than it was the other time.

Yes.

I'm out of time.

Thank you.

God bless America.

Next question.

The sweets factories.

Oh, yeah.

In the malls?

You guys were talking about it before.

I remember Auntie M's.

Auntie Ann's, you fucking piece of money.

Ann's.

That's a pretzel place.

It's nothing even.

That's a pretzel's place.

No, what am I thinking of?

The Sweet Factory is this fucking candy store with big-ass plastic tubes.

They had a ton of fucking delicious shit in there.

Yeah, it seems like it's.

No, what am I thinking of?

The lady's name, Ethel M's.

That was a West Coast thing.

Never mind.

No, you're making it up.

There's a chocolate store called.

If you're from the West Coast, I got two words for you.

Get the fuck out.

You're gay.

You better believe you're gay.

California, more like Suck My Dick.

Yeah.

Ronnie, tell us more about your latest song, California, You Can Suck My Dick.

Well, when

living in Texas, probably not 1977, and I thought to myself, you know,

what would be the experience of somebody living in a different place?

And I thought about, you know, places like California, I thought, I probably, that sounds pretty gay to me.

That seems like it would be a pretty gay experience.

Yes, I've never heard one of those songs.

So you should listen to

God Must God Be Busy.

God Must Be Busy.

Well, there's a hammer alert.

Yeah, no, God must be busy.

It's like, it's a list of all these bad things happening, and then the hook is God must be busy.

But there's no clear political perspective.

Yeah, it's like.

He goes through, like, oh, the job, the ship, the job's on.

Did we show you?

This is the one right before I left.

Yeah, probably.

Maybe.

We're repeating a lot of material here because somebody doesn't respect the note-taking.

Fuck.

You gotta respect the list.

That's my stance, bitch.

You gotta respect the list.

I got something you can respect.

You a pair of two fucking garazones.

Yeah, who do they belong to?

Because they're not yours.

They're mine.

They're not yours.

And they're fat.

But it's a garazone.

Your testicles?

Yeah.

It's a garazon.

Wow, somebody doesn't speak Portuguese.

Yeah, I've been in Europe, guys.

Things are going to change around here, man.

Everything in Europe is.

Adam is a smart one on the show, but the truth is that the rest of us speak Portuguese.

Portuguague.

I think it's fucked up that you guys learned Portuguese together without me.

Yeah, we've learned a lot of languages without you.

It's fucked up, dude.

Well, you're smoking cigarettes, but you're smoking your death sticks.

We're doing fucking Rosetta Stone and shit.

We spent years coming up with that Brian character from Valero without you.

Yes, that's my name.

Brian versus

who at first it seemed like owned the Valero, but actually he cleans the toilet.

What is it?

You only wore rubber clothes.

He used to.

Now he dresses like spy versus spy, and he's got a feather growing out of his hat.

Yeah, but it's poking out of the hat.

You think it's part of the hat, but it's actually out of his head.

I am.

Because his mom fucked the Greek person who we learned earlier in the show were descended from Britain.

Yes, thank you for remembering my story.

It's hard for me to remember because I am retired.

Brian.

I'm very self-aware about that fact, though, Brian.

It comes from

being berated by my mother.

It just sounds like triumph.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's not a total

universe party.

For me to play.

But you're doing more of a

more of an Italian at first.

But we said that it was a Spanish.

It doesn't matter, dude.

Come on.

Yeah.

You know?

Sounds like a guy who would own a place called Valero.

Valero.

Yeah.

Valero.

That's right.

When I was in the mother island, Puerto Chico, a couple weeks ago.

when I was being Desposito down in Puerto Rico.

That's what we do it down in Puerto Chico.

Some guy fucking walked by wearing like four parrots.

And it's like Puerto Chico.

Yeah, it's like, man, you got

just get one.

You need four parrots.

Stop's grandpa, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

Stavros Halkis, the original.

That might be one of the most underrated things you've ever shared on the podcast.

Hey, man.

That your grandfather was a bird.

No, the most underrated thing is that he wipes his ass with hotel towels.

I never said that.

Yeah, you did.

I never said that.

Find the recording, though.

That was a really fucked up thing you said.

I literally have never said that.

No, not only do you wipe your ass with them, you wet them up.

Find where they are.

So you don't get diaper rash.

You are completely fabricating this whole claw.

I don't think I am.

You must run that tape out.

Yeah, I had that.

It's included in some of the soft pulls for the

stav

app that I'm making.

Oh, yeah.

Speaking of the staff app, the iPhone X is out.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

We didn't even know.

Oh, look who the fuck went out of order on the fucking bitch ass list.

I didn't skip.

You went out of order.

I said, I'm buying a weight vest.

This whole fucking podcast is out of order.

You don't even know what movie that's from.

Yeah, it's from not Serpico.

It is Serpico.

No, it's not.

No, no, no, no, yeah, yeah, say it.

It is Serpico.

This whole court.

I'm out of order.

You're out of order.

This whole fucking car room is that.

It's not Serpico.

It is Serpico.

It's absolutely not.

Serpico was a reality.

It's Kramer vs.

Kramer.

It's not.

It's not Kraber vs.

Kramer.

Great movie about DeForce.

It's actually, it's a Be More Original.

It's

Injustice for All.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, Barry, what's his name?

Levin Levinson.

It's not a Barry Levinson movie.

It's a Norman Jewison movie.

Norman Jewison.

Who was not?

Who was not Jewish?

Who was not Jewish?

Norman Jewensen?

Who's not Jewish?

Norman Jewison.

Whoa, that fucking movie.

He was a Norwegian or something.

My name is Keichel Dahla Dahler Couponberg.

I'm a.

And I'm Catholic.

Dollar Coopenberg.

Dahler Coopenberg is really good.

My name is Joshua Gay Krantz,

and

I am a Jehovah's Witness.

What about Rosenstance and Gil Krantz or whatever?

Rosen Krantz and Gildenstern Hamburg's friends?

Yeah.

Rosenstantz.

Yeah, how about Hamburg?

How did you say what about them?

Say it again.

Rosen Plants and Gilded Fuck.

Yeah,

say it again.

The best bit is trying to remember things.

That's what this whole show is.

That's all good comedy.

That's the whole show.

Who's that bad day,

907

in the planes?

I saw Rosenstance and Gildenstern.

No, you're talking about Gilbert and Sullivan.

No, no, they're the same.

Pirates of Penzance.

No, it's the Samuel Beckett coming.

I am the very model of a modern major general.

Oh, yeah, the Pirates of Penzance.

Pirates.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nick is like low-key,

like showing that he's a big musical theater guy.

I am a big musical theater guy.

Do you like

who's the big guy?

Steven

Steven Spielberg.

No,

no, no, the guy who did Fan of the Opera and Cats and shit.

No, that's not Steven Sondheim.

It's a different guy.

Yeah, it's a guy named Andrew Lloyd Wayne.

Ha ha, that's right.

That's right.

We got to end the show because I got to blow my nose.

But real quick, iPhone, new one, don't buy it.

It's a piece of shit.

But I say,

get the new Apple TV.

That's the show.

How much is the Apple TV?

It's a 4K.

It's $179.

That's it?

Yeah, it's 4K.

It's free iTunes upgrades to

the 4K versions of movies that you've already purchased.

Really?

Yeah.

In fact, if you have iTunes right now, start buying shit in HD.

Well, I guess the price will be the fucking thing.

Wait, I have a Roku, and I pay for Netflix in 4K UHD.

Does that mean that Roku can do that?

The Roku, Roku and Amazon Fire have already been in 4K.

Oh, okay.

So Apple is just not there yet.

Yeah, the Apple TV is shit if you already have any of the other ones.

I have Roku.

Yeah, Apple's been behind the rest of the video.

They're behind everything.

They just look cooler.

The iPhone X is like shittier than

Galaxy S8.

Everything that they were like, check out these features.

We've got

glass screen all the way all the way glass.

Wow, yeah, the fucking S8 has that.

Yeah, literally, the only thing I the only reason I have

is iMessage.

That's literally all that.

Yeah, because you don't want to be like hollering at a girl, you don't want to be flirting and then give her that green bubble.

Oh, yeah, you know, because that is like ain't nothing get a get a pussy drier than them green.

You need to get the blue bubble, you need them that fucking sopping wet pussy blue bubble.

It's a a worse OS.

But I need that blue bubble.

Is it a worse OS?

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

Dude, I don't know enough.

I just don't want to be a loser.

Like, everyone who has a fucking Android sucks.

Yeah, of course, dude.

Pocket Protector.

A.

Take that.

Fucking loser.

Fucking nerves.

L7 Weenies.

Yeah, take that.

The new Apple Watch came out, too.

Oh, shut up.

Dude, now you have...

The worst Apple Watch.

I do.

I have the worst Apple Watch.

But I knew the new one was coming out anyways.

It's LTE.

No, you did.

Yes, I did, dude.

They always have a fight.

Yeah, you didn't.

They have a product launch every September.

Literally the worst kind of Apple Watch.

Surprise.

Actually, the worst kind of Apple Watch is the Series 1.

Oh, I thought that's what you.

Take that, Adam.

Which is what Adam wears.

Take that.

A literal answer.

Yeah.

You bitch.

You have the second to worst Apple Watch.

Yeah, well, you have the worst face.

Ooh.

That's not true.

It is true.

A lot of people think that.

No, there's a website, whohastheshittiestface.com, and it's you.

Somebody buy that domain and put it up immediately as soon as this airs, please.

That's fine.

That will happen now.

A direct request from you, dude.

You know how many fucking weird motherfuckers.

Just, Nick, I did it.

I did it, Nick.

Yeah.

You're getting an Instagram DM.

Right.

No, I'm going to have a compound in 10 years, and we're all going to sink the katanas into our stomachs at the same time.

That will be cool.

I would love to.

I would love to commit seppuku.

That would be great.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if

you're going to sell me and stop out?

I'm definitely going to back up.

You're going to find a way to distance yourself from the show as if it's been secretly problematic and bothered you the whole time.

Oh, yeah.

No, it hasn't.

The tell-all, the Adam biography where he fucking switches.

Right, so you can have a regular career and you're going to forget all regular career and what?

Going out and choppo twice?

All about your dear friend who gave you everything reluctantly.

Who resisted every step of the way

the goodness of his heart,

he did it.

I can't wait to sell you guys out.

I got Harvey Levin TMZ on speed dial.

Fuck, dude.

Yeah.

Don't tell Harvey how good I fuck.

Yeah, I accidentally befriended a guy named Ari Keichelberg, and then I found out he's not even Jewish.

What a waste.

Yeah, he could do nothing for me.

Boys, well, Norman Jewison.

Just think about that.

Think about how many production companies gave him money, and they're like,

we can't wait to see what kind of movie you make, Norman.

Of course.

Like, by the way, we're having a Satan next week.

He's like, oh, I'm not Jewish.

And they're like, what?

What?

Stop paying on the check.

Get the money back.

Get the money back out.

It's too late.

He's already made a

couple of okay movies.

That reminds me of that Simpsons joke where Krusty's like, let nothing.

And if my accountants are watching, let nothing stop you from paying out this check.

Great Simpsons joke.

Yeah, that is a great joke.

It's a good show.

I like The Simpsons.

That's my take.

What do we got on the list, or is the show over?

We're almost out of things here.

What do we have on the list?

Halloween is coming up.

That's right.

That's on the list.

Which means we're bringing back Spooky Stories Part 2.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot about Spooky Stories.

You know what I like, guys?

It has already been a year since the Spooky Stories.

That was the first time.

Which is funny, is like last Halloween seems like forever ago, but the election seems like it was like

literally a month ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Trump's a lot of people.

Halloween was present for a week.

Halloween was a fucking.

What did we do for the fall?

It's going to be weird.

It's so funny.

This next four years is going to breeze by.

No, three years now.

I don't know about that.

It's kind of the other way around because so much has happened.

The next seven years is going to breeze by.

The next

45 years until Trump dies and Donald Trump Jr.

becomes king is going to breathe.

He's got to fucking throw Hillary in jail already.

I'm fucking, I can't stand it.

Hey, dude, come on.

It was the first time.

Don't talk about Khaleesi like that.

I do.

Who's Khaleesi?

Hillary Clinton.

It's this character on Game of Thrones based on Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, one of the dragons is John Podesta.

It sucks, dude.

It doesn't suck.

I watched the first episode of my friend's house, and I was like, this is gay.

He's like, yeah, I know, but I like it.

It's gay, but it's expensive.

I mean, like, that's fun.

It's a fun thing.

It costs a lot of money.

This last season was, like, probably cost the most money.

It was by far the worst season.

It was not a good season.

But I think at this point, it was still fun.

It was beyond the books.

So it's just the producers writing George R.R.

I wish I had the money to buy the London Review of Books, and then I could just personally just say, like, this shit's gay.

You could say gay or not gay.

That's it.

Oh, those are the

you just turn it into like rotten tomato style voting.

Yeah, but it's you're not.

Just a thumbs up, thumbs down system.

It's a hard dick or a soft dick.

This book's fucking stupid.

This

shit's stupid.

What if it's.

Do you think things are okay, or you just think it's sick or okay?

No, there's plenty of shit I think is okay.

Like Kingsman, Secret Service?

I thought that was good.

That's weird that you brought that up because I was thinking of like, what's something that I think is okay?

And then I thought Kingsman, and I'm like, no, I actually like Kingsman.

I think we talked about that the other day.

I want to watch it.

Isn't there like a

very climactic ass fucking scene?

No.

No.

What are you talking about?

Somebody told me there was.

Oh, you must be talking about Rosen Cranston

Smartson fucked.

The Schmartson Schmidt.

No, no, wait, hold on.

Let me get it for real.

Gilden Cranston and Rosenstein.

Rosie Cranston.

Rosen Cranson and Gildenstein.

The coward Bob James.

No, no, no.

The coward Jesse Joyce.

The coward Jesse Joyce.

Fucking episode.

Whatever, man.

Fuck you guys.

Whatever, man.

Shit's boring.

Who cares?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

That's really good.

Oh, yeah, that was a good one.

Licorice sucks, huh?

What?

Black licorice sucks.

Fuck off.

It's good.

You like black licorice?

It's good.

You're either a black licorice guy or not or you think it's disgusting.

No, if you like licorice, you're either a pimp.

I am.

Thank you.

No.

I am a pimp.

Thank you.

Next.

Next.

You don't sell wimps.

You don't sell women.

You're right, I don't.

I respect women.

I was watching the

women.

Hell yes.

Hell yes.

And

thank you.

I would love some licorice.

Did you guys watch the pimp show with James Franco?

Stop feeding Stop chocolates.

He's like, stop feeding candy.

Thank you.

You guys watch the pimp show with James Franco?

No.

Is he in it twice?

He plays Twins.

What pimp show?

The new HBO show.

So it's like David Shit.

It's like the movie The Parent Trap.

Yep.

Yeah, it's like The Parent Trap.

His parents get divorced.

I've seen it next.

Canceled.

All right, that's the show, folks.

Goodbye.

Discover a smarter way to manage your law firm with Filevine.

No, we're not filing Vines, unless Tarzan got his law degree.

We're revolutionizing how legal teams operate.

Filevine is your all-in-one solution for managing new leads, business analytics, accounting, billing, and comprehensive case management.

Imagine having all your firm's needs streamlined in one place, giving you more time to focus on what truly matters, your clients.

With Filevine, you can easily track and manage your cases from start to finish, ensuring nothing slips through the cracks.

Our platform offers robust tools that help you analyze business performance and optimize your operations.

Whether you're handling billing or diving into detailed analytics, Filevine has you covered.

Ready to transform your practice?

Start your free trial now by visiting Filevine.com.

Experience the ease and efficiency of a system designed specifically for the legal industry.

Filevine, where your firm's success is just a click away.

From Australia to San Francisco, Color Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab grown diamond engagement rings to the US.

Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom piece that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a a talented team of in-house jewels behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our Union Street Showroom or explore the range at colournjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.