Ep. 68 – Tech Savior

My phone just buzzed.

Another data breach alert.

It was a reminder that VPNs and encrypted apps can't fix what's broken at the network level.

That's where CAPE comes in.

CAPE is a secure mobile carrier built with privacy as its foundation.

It doesn't collect names, addresses, or personal data, so it can't sell what it never stores.

Use the code CAPE33OF to get the first month of premium nationwide service for just $30 and 33% off the first six months.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the U.S.

Explore Solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom ring that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewelers behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our new Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullenjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.

Well, good evening, folks.

Or good morning, depending on.

I guess it's up to you to download the show and

listen to it at your own leisure at either the morning time, night time,

good what have you.

It's another beautiful night here or morning, you know?

Or afternoon.

And it could be shitty out.

I don't know.

It's not live.

Tonight, it's a little too hot.

It was already already starting to be fall.

I was

ready for it to be fall.

Then it got hot.

It got a little too hot on me.

Got a little calor, a little caliente.

Right.

And,

you know, we got the boys back.

We're playing a little fast and loose this time.

It went a little light on the notes.

There's only a few notes.

Your precious notes, Nick.

Yeah, okay.

How about this?

I won't say anything for five seconds and see how much dead air there is because I didn't didn't write enough notes.

You can't do anything other than that.

I think there's one thing

I think I need you to say before we can proceed with the podcast.

And I think you know what that is.

What's that?

You know what it is.

Do it.

No, I don't.

Just do the line.

You know while you're talking about it.

Just do the line, dude, for my adoring audience.

Yeah.

Do the people

hear it.

The people.

More like 5 a.m.

Yeah.

Classic bit.

He's opening at Madison Square Garden.

Yeah.

They're actually renaming Madison Square Garden after me.

The more like 5 a.m.

Yeah, they're naming it after the joke.

Arena.

Subtitle Nick Mullen R.I.P.

Yeah, for those of you who are not.

Really, though, how dare you criticize the notes or pretend like the notes aren't absolutely fucking necessary for the show?

What?

No, they're necessary.

It's just funny that they exist.

I don't know.

Why is it funny that it exists?

It's a podcast.

I appreciate it.

You just want to lackadaisically

sit there and eat your fucking sushi.

We did a hundred.

What did you get?

What is that?

You got like tuna?

You got yellow tail and salmon.

California rolls.

They're not California rolls.

There's literally no vegetable.

I got the maqui combo C.

You got it like a pizza made out of sushi rolls.

Just a big slab of like

what is it in California?

Like tuna and like crab.

Yeah, I think it's imitation.

Imitation crab.

Get it.

You light his ass up.

Tell him about that pizza he got.

Yeah, bitch.

ouch anyway so congratulations nick television and movie star movie star

star

star of the silver screen yeah and stage i think this counts as theater as well i'm getting the tony award for my my starring role as uh myself i actually played break down the process a little bit for us so you got a knock on the door it was an old jewish man yeah he said we need you you're needed and i said how did you get out of the basement and then i realized it was a different old jewish guy different Different one from the one that's currently in the basement.

In this building?

It wasn't the one I keep down there to make phone calls to the bank for me on my behalf.

Niggas are doing like a reverse Schindler's list.

Yeah, old Morty.

What do you mean a reverse Schindler's list?

Well, he was protecting Nazis by keeping it.

You mean just the Holocaust?

The Holocaust.

Hitler's list.

Hitler's list, yeah.

Hitler's favorite list.

Yeah, so Nick, so the old Jew came to the thing.

There was a limousine outside.

Stretch.

Well, no, skimped.

Skimped.

Oh, you know what you got?

They got an UBA excess.

It's a bicycle.

It's just as good as a limousine.

Save a little bit of money.

Yeah, you know, I don't know.

I mean, they said we need the greatest actor of our generation to play the more like 5 a.m.

guy.

And the second thing is that

they had a whole wardrobe department.

I mean, this girl went to the Fashion Institute of Technology.

She knew what the fuck she was doing.

They actually said to me,

you brought your leather hat.

I just don't wear the leather hat.

And I said, I'm telling you,

this is a good hat.

Please don't fuck with this cord here.

I'm sorry.

That's the one thing I asked you.

It was under this, so I moved it on top so it wouldn't fit.

Yeah.

For those of you who don't know, Nick is the star, is the principal.

I'm the new subway spokesman.

Subway sandwiches.

More like 5 a.m.

5 a.m.

More like five different kinds of foot long.

More like five different kinds of

$5 foot longs.

I see where you're going.

No, you don't.

More like five-year-olds.

Wow.

Guys, how about that roof?

See,

you like how you semi-ironically bail on the joke as if you're not making it.

It's a bad joke.

They're all bad jokes.

It's a fucking pie joke.

That's the point of the show, yeah.

Yeah.

This is going to be what?

Juvenile.

So yeah, we only do, this is, we're creating Jonathan Swift

comedy here.

It's a podcast called Come Town.

Yeah.

Just make the bad jokes and enjoy them.

I did.

Enjoyed the shit out of them.

Don't back away from it.

I enjoyed diving backwards out of that joke.

Like last episode when Nick said, who made the game Marco Polo up?

And I said, how about the guy Marco Polo?

That was a good joke.

Deliver that with confidence.

Yeah, it's like, you know, I delivered it with confidence.

I'd been, you know, I had that one in the barrel for.

That's kind of what we're missing without Stavros.

We all need to learn to appreciate the bad jokes more like Stav's does.

It's true, Stav is a big supporter of the bad jokes.

He is

the bad jokes guy.

You know, I missed him too, and so I did something about it.

What did you do?

In honor of Labor Day, I

became a tech bro.

Oh, nice.

I automated Stavros.

Do you call it the valley now?

What your ass?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, I set myself up.

You know what?

How about instead of you saying that, I say, what your ass?

Woo!

See?

Yeah, now it's like Stav's back.

What I did was.

You programmed an entire iPod app.

iPad app.

I literally taught myself how to write iPad software to replace Stavros.

Nice, dude.

Thank you.

You know, and I thought it would be a lot harder than it it was, but it was actually pretty easy.

Interesting.

Yeah, I know.

And so he can go to Greece all he wants.

We don't fucking need him.

I got this

iPad app here, so guess who's not getting paid next month?

This is really

perfect.

Oh,

fuck no, dude.

Yeah, well, it's.

This is really perfect because I feel like this is the logical conclusion of Nick Mullen's life: you're going to ultimately replace everyone in your life with an iPad app.

Yeah, friends?

You're going to die alone.

Because you will have turned us all into iPad apps.

See, I have these are all of his fake laughs, so I can make him fake laugh at your stupid comments.

Can I get a little spin?

No,

you don't get to control the stock.

Let me play with the stock.

Let's redo this.

No, more like

no.

Let me play

more like five-year-olds.

Hold on.

How about this?

More like 5 a.m.

More like 5 a.m.

He loves it.

Wow.

I feel like he's in the room.

He loves the ab.

Stop, is it a good app?

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I want to play this like on a Casio keyboard.

Do you have a Casio keyboard?

No, but

where you can program them all to sound like different pictures of farts and shit.

Yeah.

You do for fun, Jake.

You argue with people on Facebook.

Drink.

Whatever, man.

This shit's boring.

Who cares?

Yeah.

I agree, Stav.

Damn.

Yeah, you got owned there, man.

Pretty bad.

Nice, dude.

Nice.

Not nice.

You're not nice.

I don't think so, Stav.

So, Stav, can I ask Stav some questions?

No, dude.

A cupcake and a candy bar.

So how's the food been in Greece?

What have you been eating?

Fava beans.

You've been eating fava beans?

Hell yeah, dude.

Wow, it's like he's really here.

I've missed him so much.

Yeah, what else have you been eating, Stav?

40 Jimmy Dean sandwich waiver or breakfast sandwiches.

Oh, dude, hell yeah, dude.

Wow, that's 40 Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches, huh?

Hell yeah.

That sounds pretty good.

How do you cook those?

Peanut oil.

Oh, that's interesting.

You just put the sandwiches in peanut oil?

Absolutely.

You know, that's probably pretty bad for you.

Damn.

Yeah, you're probably going to die early from just putting those breakfast sandwiches directly in the the peanut oil.

Interesting.

Yeah.

It is interesting.

It's a good point you bring up.

Yeah, yeah.

But I mean, you probably don't want to die.

Right.

So you should, like, you know, maybe make healthier choices, you know?

So, like,

for example, tomorrow you could eat.

Fried spam?

No.

That's probably not, you know, something good.

Maybe something a little healthier.

Lentils and fucking rice and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's.

No.

Fuck no, dude.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Well,

we tried.

Yeah, we tried.

So what are you going to eat tomorrow, Stop?

Quadruple deck fucking burgers.

You fat fuck, Stop.

That's so funny.

There he is.

There's a boy.

That's the good old.

That's a good old stop cackle.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I don't like that.

I put that one in there.

That's a sex one.

Yeah, I don't, he doesn't do that that often, but I felt like it was worth it to have the.

No.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

On my Skrillax?

Right, right, right, right.

Nice, dude.

Nice.

Nice, nice, nice.

Me too.

Interesting.

I suck.

I suck.

I suck.

I like that one.

I suck.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, so

I think I should just stop playing with this.

I mean,

I guess for the fans out there, you should just keep an eye out on the iTunes store, Android store.

We're going to be selling the Stav app for.

Well, I was thinking I might as well just go ahead and make like a huge app.

A full Cometown app.

Right.

Stav loves that.

He does.

I don't know.

I'm trying to figure out the right level of having him laugh.

You know, you do the fake one.

And then maybe that one.

Look, in this one, you can hear Adam saying some bitch thing in the background.

You hear him?

What did I say?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Might have been you.

Whatever, man.

This shit's boring.

Who cares?

See?

So, we'll move on.

I'm trying to watch that.

What did you guys do for Labor Day?

Do you guys have any big Labor Day plans?

I feel like I didn't deserve it because I'm not really in the labor force these days.

Damn.

Yeah, thank you, Steve.

Well, like,

did you do anything or no?

I didn't do anything.

I took my dog for a walk and I painted.

Okay.

Argued with people on the internet and then went to sleep.

Would you argue?

Yeah, would you argue?

Yeah, hold on.

Let's get into that.

I'm paying too much attention to the app here.

The fruits of my labor.

That's what I did on Labor Day:

I programmed Stop.

To take Stop's job away from him.

Meanwhile, what was Stob doing?

A cupcake and a candy bar.

Wow, Stop.

You're going to kill yourself, man.

Absolutely.

I fucking love this.

Stop spot, dude.

Stop robot.

Yeah.

I love it.

You know what?

I had like a million more that I just, I got so tired of fucking adding them all into the app.

Yeah.

Because I sat through and I pulled like, I have like 50 more of these that he can say.

No.

Woo.

Yeah.

So that's what it like would be.

I was hoping I would have it done in time.

I might add some more tomorrow and then bring this with me.

I'm doing Real Ass Dude tomorrow.

Oh, so Sav could be a guest, too.

Yeah, I'm going to

bring the iPad.

Perhaps Stav.

You, Lewis.

I got one where he's saying he's fucking kids.

Yeah, that's what you should have done.

Yeah, there was a bunch of all the good ones.

Because the thing was, I was trying to get them all grouping.

Like, I have all the laughs and shit, all the yes, and I got all the basic stuff.

And then the food stuff was the only like a primo selects that I had time to do.

Yeah, like the, what's that again?

Quadruple deck fucking burgers.

Nice.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Quadruple deck.

It's like, hello, Nick.

You are quite good at turning me on.

And then it's a picture of him already nude.

Yeah.

I don't like how much he's laughing at that one.

Yeah, he's laughing too much.

Yeah, I gave it too much credit.

Yes.

Well, anyhow, okay.

I really need to stop playing with the app because that's going to be the next.

Sleeping.

The next 45 minutes of the show.

I didn't do anything.

What I did was I wrote down, happy Labor Day, folks.

What did the boys get into?

And then in parentheses, five minutes.

So that meant that that conversation was supposed to take five minutes.

And according to the timer, it took 17 seconds.

Okay, so Jake, what were you arguing?

Yeah, what are you arguing with people about on the internet?

You know, just bullshit.

Like, the main thing is.

Tell me the specific argument you got into with who, name names.

And we'll tell you how to win.

Yeah.

Well, I'm friends with Norm again, but he's an idiot.

Aside from Norm, I mean, I was just talking about how Labor Day is this holiday that's, you know, created by like socialists and communists and shit and all these people that have been screaming about bernie bros oh okay i get it i see what you did there no no i'm sorry

that was stopped dude that was good

go on uh

Well, you know, I mean, it's very hypocritical that people, you know, screaming about Bernie Bros and shit for a year straight, and then they're like, happy Labor Day.

I'm having a barbecue.

It's kind of silly.

I don't know why.

I'm arguing with comedians that I haven't seen in your life.

So your problem with Norman is that he's culturally appropriating hot dogs from hardworking socialists like yourself

slaving away at the pizza restaurant.

They took the Jesus out of labor.

That's where you got in an argument.

You know what?

I mean, I don't usually agree with Norm about that kind of shit, but that is a stupid fucking argument.

Well, I wasn't talking to Norm about that one.

Me and Norm's beef is over Antifa, which he thinks are like reckless, out of control.

The teens are calling it Antifa.

Like, he's an old-ass man.

Right, exactly.

Yeah, Yeah, what's more dangerous?

Some fucking like limp dick nerd that wants to put on a ski mask and knock over a dumpster or a 50-year-old man that's driven drunk

every single night of his life.

Well, that just means since 1961.

That just means he's good at driving throws.

Back when you used to be able to get your license at eight years old in Frontier, Texas,

whichever flag Texas was at.

Back when Texas only had three flags when no one got his license.

How about this?

That's where the roller coasters went up, man.

It was a different time.

Tear them down, bitch.

You know, you used to be able to drive and drink.

Like, you were only

have one beer open in the car, like, up until 1980, but you could just get pulled over by you could have one beer open.

Yeah, you just have a road soda.

In Texas, yeah, yeah.

Hell, we got to move there.

Yeah, well, we got to move to the past.

That's why they went back in time.

Yeah, well, I mean, in Louisiana, they still don't have the future.

They don't have open carries, so you can drive around drinking if you want.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's no

open container.

Open container.

Open carry control.

I always confuse open container and open carry, which interestingly enough is how I lost my license to carry a fire off.

It's by mistaking the two.

By open containering and open carrying at the same time.

Yeah, you can't mix those.

Pulling a schlitz out and yelling the N-word at somebody, like threatening them.

Are you a cop?

You have to tell me if you're a cop.

Dude, what about an all-black lady, Antifa, and it's called Latifah.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Thanks, Stop.

You're welcome.

I mean, Stop says you're welcome.

Antifa

blackface.

How about this?

They do.

They wear ninja shit.

Antifa, but it stands for Fava Beans.

Stop.

I don't know what that means.

What is that?

Was he doing Silas and the Lambs?

I guess.

I don't know.

When did he bring up Fava Beans?

I don't know.

He said it twice, and he said it like this:

Fava Beans.

Oh, man, that fat fuck.

That's fat, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Woo!

Woo!

But the breakfast.

But the breakfast?

I want but the breakfast in there.

Yeah, more like 5 a.m., dude.

Yeah, dude.

I gotta pull the audio from one of the live shows from his mic during his set and get But the breakfast.

Get butt the breakfast in there?

Yeah.

Stops classic butt the breakfast.

I want a soundboard that just says but the breakfast and and more like 5 a.m.

Oh man.

I think that's a nice little preview of your guys' arguments from henceforth.

It's going to be you making fun of the breakfast and him doing 5 a.m.

Okay.

No, but hold on.

I want to get back to this Facebook argument.

So who are you arguing with where you were saying that you're not allowed to celebrate Labor Day if you're not a communist?

Like every rich fucking person.

By the way,

I didn't know a single communist until three months ago.

Suddenly, half the people I know are communists.

Oh, yeah.

Well, most

people weren't anything because

there wasn't like an actual reason to really, like, you were just, you know, they were just under the boot of the whole fucking system.

Most people were just nihilists, which is fine.

It was a perfectly reasonable thing to be, but there's like a different set of circumstances.

Whatever, man, this shit's boring.

Yeah, I get what you're doing there.

Yeah.

Woo.

Woo!

Woo!

Woo, woo, woo, woo.

I don't know.

No, I mean, let's not podcast about Facebook.

That seems like

redundant.

That sounds fun, actually.

No, that's what you're supposed to podcast.

But here's the thing, is I don't care about Norm added me back, and then

he suggested Candy Crush to me after like this weird cake and a candy bar.

This whole fucking like falling out, and then you know, heard me talking about it on the podcast, and then went like, all right, let's be friends again.

And the first thing he did is start sending me Candy Crush saga.

That's a good bit.

I don't know if it was a bit, though, because he did it to everybody.

Oh, did he?

I think he was just playing Candy Crush.

I like to ask all my experts.

Yeah,

Norm plays Candy Crush a lot.

I remember mentioning it to him once.

So he sent me a screenshot.

I used to.

I stopped playing Candy Crush.

You cut it out?

It got boring.

Yeah, I'd be on the train trying to have a conversation, and they would just slowly pull Candy Crush out.

You know, I'm starting to think that Candy Crush was actually pretty good.

Now that I'm remembering what I was using Candy Crush for, ignore your friends.

Right.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

And the people are.

Absolutely.

Well, you would agree with that stop.

Yeah.

Why don't you stop talking to an iPad as if it's a person?

I keep forgetting.

I'm just the architect.

I've been playing all the time.

Like in the Matrix.

Ergo, you're a faggot.

Eric.

Ergo, fuck yourself.

I believe that was the first time I'd ever heard that word.

Yeah.

Oh, me too, for sure.

The matrix.

I was like, what the fuck is Ergo?

Then I look it up and it means therefore.

And I'm like, why didn't you just say there for?

Yeah.

Remember Dar 4?

Absolutely.

What happened there?

I guess everybody died.

Damn.

Yeah.

Yeah, it gets better now.

I've been playing one of those app games where you just convert different types of crystals to other types of currency and never actually play the game.

You've been losing money in Bitcoin.

That's not an app game.

You've just lost your entire life savings of the $27 in tips you got at the Chinese restaurant that delivers pizza also that you work at.

Yeah, so I guess, oh, speaking of food, there's been a nasty trend lately of people criticizing my food on Instagram.

A nasty trend, off-limits, folks.

Don't do that, okay?

If I post food on Instagram, I expect positive encouragement.

I'm a lifestyle icon.

All right,

I'm teaching people how to live their best lives.

Yep, you got to post pictures of food, views.

You got to post pictures of vacations.

Yeah.

My sister posts an up-close shot of a woman's pussy you're about to fuck.

No, a woman's pussy you're about to eat.

Yeah, I

cares.

My sister was telling me to choose your own adventure.

Oh, it's like, you know, dinner.

I'm going to write a choose your own adventure book that's all, you know, what do you stick one finger in, turn to page nine.

If she's five years old, turn to page 27.

If she's 28, you know.

Like an erotic choose your own adventure.

Yeah, an erotic.

don't, nobody's ever done that before.

It's child pornography, and then it calls the guy.

Yeah, it calls the goddamn comic book.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Thank you.

Why are you talking to the iPad?

Like, it's a real person.

I'm not.

I am acting because I'm a professional.

That's what I was doing.

I was acting.

You've never acted in your life.

Yes, I have.

No, you never acted.

I've done theater.

No.

Fuck no, dude.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Stop.

He does.

He does know what he's talking about.

Stop controlling.

I'm going to stop.

I suck.

No.

No, you're okay.

Okay, yeah.

So don't criticize my food on Instagram.

That's not happening.

You know what my sister was telling me the other day?

If a girl, you know, a girl and she's on vacation all the time, and she's in the pictures alone, chances are she's probably a sugar baby because somebody else is taking the picture.

Well, yeah, and then the guy also kind of wants to remain anonymous.

Yeah.

What is a sugar baby?

You mean an attractive woman with options?

I mean a prostitute.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's a girl that dates a rich guy.

The counterpart to a sugar daddy.

Yeah.

Oh, what's the implication that rich men don't have emotions?

Is this because you're rich now?

Yeah.

I'm a rich man.

Now that I think about it, yes, it is about that.

It's so ridiculous.

It's funny because three years ago

singing that tune.

I'm going to celebrate poorest friend.

I'm going to celebrate Labor Day as a rich man and enjoy my anti-communist hot dogs.

So, we got to talk about,

you know, we got plenty of news coming up at the B-block, which we'll get to in a minute, but DACA, nobody knows what it stands for.

But

people are talking about

the whole bunch of white women with signs that say DACA please.

I guarantee you that was made when somebody went to a fucking march with some big fat white lady with a DACA please sign marching around Union Square.

AAV is okay to appropriate if if you're a fat white lady doing it for the right reasons.

Right.

You know, I was at a barbecue.

If you didn't listen to rap until you were 25 years old and then you discovered the magic of Beyoncé.

Common.

Whatever the fuck got you safely into black people that you think it's okay to use AAV both.

I was at a barbecue one time.

This white woman was like talking about how she got her nails did.

And I was like, you know, that's funny that we say shit like that because it's really, you know, it comes from like black culture and everyone just adopts it.

And she just got really offended that I asked, that I claimed that or whatever.

And she just swore up and down, like, no, it's actually, I say that.

Like, it's my own thing.

I made it up.

It's actually chromatically correct.

Dude, imagine if fucking what, like, T-Rock from Trailer Park Boys walked into that party and how all those fucking woke retards would shit themselves.

Well, what did he do?

What's that guy's name like, damn, Julian?

Like, one of those fucking dudes showed up.

They'd be like, you can't act like that.

Only we can.

Because we tried for years to be Betty Page, and that didn't work.

No, so now we're

slay slay queens.

Now I'm baby two-step on Twitter and I fucking, you know, I have cornrows and I talk like that.

Yeah, well, it's all right that you're racist too.

It's just like, you know, just zone it.

Right, exactly.

Just be like, I've got a race.

The problem is that it's fucking corny and transparent.

Anybody with like

behavior where you can see the motivations and they don't realize it's that transparent, it's fucking grating and obnoxious.

Yeah, you're embarrassed for them.

Well, that's why it's better to be autistic and be completely incapable of fitting in.

So then you don't have to worry about doing that shit by accident.

Yeah.

You know?

There's never been an autistic wigger, but what if there was?

That actually, you know what, Jake?

That's a good contribution.

That would be like a good-ass character for the show.

You want to try?

You want to take it away?

I want to steal it from you.

All right.

Okay.

What do Wiggers say?

It would be like, yo, what's up, man?

Y'all like

that.

Thank you.

I see where you're going from.

You set him up, dude.

It's shit or get off the pop.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to do a good wigger.

Hell yeah.

I feel like the reason you offended those white women, though, is because they genuinely think that they stole that not from black people, but from gay guys

who in turn stole it from black people.

Yeah.

It's all black women, then gay men, and then white women.

That's like the human-centered piece of it.

Absolutely.

Thank you, Stop.

Ooh, it was loud as fuck.

Yeah, I realized the levels are wrong on Stop, stop so i had to fix it oh because he was a little quiet before absolutely this guy's not quiet now yeah uh get that laugh going damn

all right all right all right all right

well yeah you're right it goes from black men black men to to gay men to white women black women oh yeah black women they're like the sleigh queen

they started it yeah

so the real bad guys to racist for all the racist

yeah unabashedly saying it.

What if Richard Spencer started saying like Slayquin stuff?

Yes, dude.

Oh, that'd be so fucking good.

Yeah, that would be good.

Yeah, that's at the right level out there.

Nice, dude.

Me too.

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

All right, all right, all right.

I suck.

Me too.

I suck.

Me too.

Absolutely.

Damn.

Okay, cool.

I just need to make sure he was losing his life there.

I don't know how the volume changed.

This is going to sound terrible when I fucking try to edit it and upload it.

Or whatever.

You know, this is...

You know what this is?

This is called, you guys right now, everybody listening out there,

you're beta testers.

Oh, yeah, that's what they say in the tech.

Tech biz.

So, yeah, so, Jake, they're getting rid of DACA, and

you're a real authentic despacito that we got on the show.

Yeah, nobody in my immediate family is affected by this.

So, you know,

how do you feel, though?

That's the port.

I mean, obviously, it's bad, but, like, for someone who's probably got like one cousin that is affected by this, it would be very like lame to be like, as a, you know, as a deeply POC queer, I have a weird haircut, man.

Yeah.

I'm black now, too.

As someone who recently got their nails digged, I'm very concerned about DACA, please.

Yeah.

Da Aka.

De Apostrophiaca was actually what I was planning on naming my mixed race daughter that I have in my head when I go around saying these things.

Yeah.

Oh, it's okay for me to say I get my nails did.

I have a fictional mixed-race daughter that exists in my head

when I show up to Labor Day parties.

Yeah,

Affordable Care Act.

That's what it stands for.

Because Obama made it.

So you heard it here first.

You heard it here first, folks, from a real Mexican.

He doesn't care.

No, it's bad.

He doesn't care.

You don't have to be personally fucking tied to the camera.

Because it doesn't affect his shitty family.

I'm about to DACA, but it's a Mexican guy going, I have to DACA sheet.

Please, we don't know where there is a bathroom.

I have to DACA sheet.

So that is why.

I have to die because she's so bad.

Saw likes it.

He does.

Yeah.

Yeah, so

Jake, you don't care about this?

No, I do care.

I just don't care about it.

I care because of that.

About the dreamers.

You know what?

I don't like.

I'm against it just because of that gay ass.

Yeah, why do they have to give it the dreamers?

I think that was Obama came up with that.

Yeah, no, fuck that, dude.

Those people deserve not only to be

to have their fucking underwear pulled up through their ass cheeks and have their lunch money taken away.

Yeah, I'm a dreamer.

You know what?

I don't want any dreamers in this country.

Why don't you wake the fuck up and get to work?

It's because they like sleeping so much.

That's why they're called the dreamers.

You finished that goddamn drywall and you started a week and a half ago.

You missed what Jake said.

Stop taking that siesta and dreaming so much.

Stop stopping, you lazy Mexican.

Oh, no, they're not just dreamers.

You know what they eat?

Lentils and fucking rice and shit.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, that shit sucks.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I mean, it's bad, but you don't have to...

Everything doesn't have to be personally about you posting and going, it's actually you know once I met a Mexican person and that's why I feel this way you can just read the paper and just be like oh, this is bad news because it's a bad thing is happening to other people absolutely well just from personal experience as someone that was almost beat up in high school by two Mexican girls

Stop shutting up

cutting off my story.

God, I'm trying to finish

He's laughing at you for for almost being beat up by women.

Now I'm laughing.

They were seniors and

I was a freshman.

Nice, dude.

Yeah.

And they did that whole...

Why are you looking at me thing?

Hell yeah.

And I was like, I wasn't looking at anything.

Are you guys dreaming?

Did you dream your way into this country?

Yeah, they sleptwalked across the border.

You know what's a good term?

Anchor babies.

Yeah.

It's like a little Popeye baby.

A little baby that does the news.

Absolutely.

That sounds cool.

That sounds like a good baby.

I fell asleep in class one time in ninth grade, and when I woke up, there were just like

fucking just like 12 big ass like bounce girls just like twerking on my, like around my desk in Houston?

Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

Oh, sick.

Dude, hell yeah, dude.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

I mean, they were fucking with me because I fell asleep, but it was pretty funny.

That's a good idea for a movie, though.

Going back.

Anchorman 3, Anchor Baby.

How about a movie called I've Never Been Twerked On, and it's like I've Never Been Kissed?

Oh, yeah.

But it's about a guy that delivers pizza for a Chinese food restaurant.

Goes back to high school so black women can

run his face up and down their ass cheeks to Drake.

Yeah, and he's 30 and they're teenagers.

And it's great.

It's everything you ever dreamed of.

Yeah, that was kind of the premise of that movie: she goes back to school and she rape kids.

Then she has sex with children.

It's kind of a fucked-up movie.

Yeah,

that movie

should be against the rules.

I'd like to see a mashup of that and What Women Want called What 12-Year-Old Girls Want starring Mel Gibson.

All right.

What about a reboot?

Replace Drew Barrymore, Jared Fogel.

Never Been Kissed Toff.

How about

Never Taking a Sheet?

I never take a sheet in my life.

And that's going to do it for the first half of the show.

Referenced here as A-Block on the notes.

If you look at the notes, yeah.

We made a half hour on that?

That is 32 minutes.

And then we're going to take a quick commercial break.

Word from these sponsors.

More like 5 a.m.

Absolutely.

And then we will be back with more Stavros Soundboard, folks.

We've got a big tech-heavy episode today.

Stay tuned.

Well, folks, you know what time it is.

It's the fashion corner where I go over my best

fashion tips for you.

As many of you know, I became fat in Los Angeles, and

so I'm not too big on

overwear right now.

I'm more of an underwear guy.

And I found a new company, Mac Weldon, that makes the best underwear I've ever worn in my entire life.

They're better than what you got on right now.

So if you're

a larger gentleman like me,

now just go ahead and let your disgusting body absorb your current pair of underwear and go to Macweldon.com and check out some of their smart designs with premium fabrics and simple shopping.

It's one of the easiest online shopping experiences you're going to find and it's a really great product.

Mac Weldon underwear is going to be the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants that you'll ever wear.

I personally guarantee it.

They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial uh which means they'll they'll eat away they've got some kind of chemical or microscopy some microscot it they're antimicrobial so if you smell bad guess what not anymore get yourself a pair of mac weldon underwear uh and mac weldon they want you to be comfortable so if you don't like your first pair of underwear guess what you keep it and they'll still refund you no questions asked you gotta got yourself a free pair of uh of underwear but you're gonna love it so you're not gonna want to get that refund so not only does mac weldon have underwear socks and shirts that look good,

they perform well too.

They're good for working out.

You take them to the gym, you go out on dates, sit around listening to the podcasts, eating granola bars.

That's how I gained 35 pounds,

mostly sitting around.

I look terrible these days, but at least I've got comfortable underwear on, and I got it by going to MacWeldon.com, and you can too.

And you can get 20% off using

promo code Come Town, C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

It's one word, it's the promo code, even though I would like to reiterate once again that Come Town, the show is two separate words.

So if you're going to spell the name of the show, two words.

But if you're using promo code Cometown on MacWeldon.com to get 20% off, it's C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

Thanks, folks.

Woo!

Woo!

Okay, we're back.

Yes.

Well, we're kind of light on notes for the second half.

Damn.

So I don't know.

No, we got four doozies.

I'm looking at the list right now.

We skipped fitness corner.

Oh, we did.

We did skip fitness corner.

I do want to talk about fitness for a little bit.

Yeah, hurricane predictions.

We got more shit.

Yeah.

The fitness corner, item number one

is, Jake, do you exercise at all?

I ride a bike for a living.

I ride a bike for a living.

That's it.

That's the one thing I do.

Interesting.

Now, would you recommend riding the?

You have to understand this is a lifestyle podcast.

Yeah.

People listen to this because they see our lifestyle and

they want to one day achieve that through, I don't know, positive thinking or treating girls like shit at the bar.

There's a lot of different ways to become a...

Obsessively, dementedly listening to just this podcast and then DMing everyone all the time.

There's a lot.

There's many ways to become...

What you do is you go on social media and you find someone to idolize.

And it's got to be somebody that's a real piece of shit, you know, a real sociopath.

You got to find somebody that, you know, probably went to jail for assault at some point and has a lawyer whose job it is to specifically erase every trace of that from the internet.

You know, you post pictures of yourself on boats, you know, with guns and shit.

Yeah.

You know.

What's the guy's name?

Blazerian?

Right.

Dan.

Dan.

Blizzarian.

That's what it was.

Is he Armenian?

I would assume so, dude.

Armenians always have the dumbest fucking names.

Blazerian.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

They're the dumb.

And you know who Saab doesn't like?

Albanians.

Right?

Right.

He hates them.

He hates them.

Dirty.

Absolutely.

Damn.

Right?

Right.

I hate that one so fucking much.

That's Saw.

That's Saab working out.

There we go.

We got some energy back in the show.

That's what we've been missing.

Yeah, so Fitness Corner, Jake, ever do any pull-ups or anything like that?

Not in a long time.

I used to.

It's probably been about five years since I've done a pull-up, to be honest with you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nah, when I worked at the grackle and there was that cage like around the outside of the bar of the patio, just do pull-ups all day, not check people's IDs.

They just walk past me.

This is seriously so fucking funny.

So I like posted a picture on Instagram of those BCAAs and a can of corn and the PlayStation controller.

Yeah.

Which like, there's no reason to buy BCAAs.

The only reason I have those.

What is it?

It's branch chain amino acids.

Oh, cool.

And like,

you're supposed to drink them like pre- and post-workout if you're like training fasted because it's supposed to help you like retain muscle mass if you're not eating while you're lifting weights

or something like that.

I don't know.

You're supposed to do it if you're doing lean gains.

Mainly why I get them is because

you're supposed to drink a shit ton of water throughout the day if you're exercising.

And like, I don't like the taste of water.

Oh, you're one of those people?

I basically use this shit as crystal light.

I fucking, I mean, I drink a gallon of bottled water a day, but then that I like the way it tastes, so it helps me get in extra water from the tap.

Because I'll drink like, you know, four or five shaker cups of the BCAAs or whatever.

But I posted that picture and Blake texts me.

Yo, dog, do those BCAAs help for real?

Been thinking about picking some up.

Blake is addicted to crack cocaine.

He had a good own.

I'm not joking.

When you posted your meal yesterday,

he had a really good comment.

And what did Blake say?

I forget now.

Yeah, great job.

Thanks, dude.

Maybe he said even your food is autistic or something like that.

Yeah, that sounds like a great own.

Stop.

What do you think of that?

Yeah.

Sorry, the iPad wants to stay.

The iPad is in diabetic shock right now.

Well, it's stop.

Nice, dude.

Nice, dude.

Thank you.

Nice, dude.

Yeah, I don't know.

The thing about Blake is that he is not, he's clean from crack, but every time he quits something, then, you know, that shit where you're sober for like a week, and then you're like, I'm writing a book and I'm into lifting weights.

Fuck yeah, dude.

And it all just like, you know, sort of culminates in like a huge bender just breakdown and you start doing a drug even worse than crack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crocodil or some shit.

I know he's all you can say.

Free on out of air conditioners and shit.

I just gave.

Because it's, it's so funny because it's like BCAs are probably useless.

There's probably no reason for them.

Like

a whey protein supplement is pretty good.

Like if you need to get enough protein, but you're like trying to limit your caloric, you know, intake.

You know, if you want to, like, if if you're if you're trying to like you know only eat a certain amount but you still need a shit ton of protein whey is like a good way to do that but for the rest like everything else in gnc is bullshit like none of that shit works they just make it look like it that there might be steroids in it yeah and then they get people who are literally on steroids to be like i take this shit before working out and it gets me fucking pumped and like the syringe is hanging out of their fucking lower eyelid you know

like this is the only thing i take is n explode 2x911 it's the 911 bcaa supplement made from the jet fuel that literally melted uh

fuck now this thing is fucking up because you didn't watch that chord adam what what i didn't do anything you fucking piece of shit hell yeah hell yeah uh

hey good timing thanks uh you don't need stav yeah i don't i can say hell yeah yeah you can say hell yeah.

But I just, it's so funny that that's what Blake messaged me.

First of all, if I look back at my text with Blake, it's just me saying, hey, I'm in Williamsburg.

Let's get a coffee.

No response.

Where are you at?

I'm in Williamsburg, like once every four months.

Whenever I'm in Williamsburg, I'll message Blake.

Hats off to him.

You know what?

I don't know why he's asking me for advice.

lifestyle advice.

If you can manage to be addicted to crack cocaine and continue to live in Williamsburg, That's the ultimate lifestyle.

Two blocks away from the bed for the train, yeah.

Right.

Not even shitty South Williamsburg.

Ah, damn, I had to move into some dump in Central Park West to fucking shoot a heroin into my asshole.

I have to shit out of my dick now because my asshole is just for heroin.

Yeah, but Central Park West, I mean, how fuck?

How'd you do it?

Yeah, I don't know.

Absolutely.

You guys don't know this because you don't know Blake Midget, but I gotta make a Blake sound for it.

He isn't that is a really good impression, you do.

Yeah, he just talks like Krusty the Clown.

He's Krusty without the makeup on.

No sleeves.

Yeah, yeah.

Kind of used to be the porn.

I fucking ran into him on the street the other day, and he was wearing like one of those sleeveless Japanese porn shirts.

It's the gay Japanese porn.

And I was like, yeah, I heard this is the thing you're doing now.

He's like, I've always done this.

It's like,

no, you haven't.

I've known you.

I would have seen that before.

Somebody told me you were going around wearing a Japanese gay porn shirt.

Wait, it's gay Japanese porn?

Multiple gay Japanese porn.

He thinks it's funny?

Of course.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean.

The funny Jimmy Dean sandwiched burger or breakfast sandwich.

Really funny.

When you're smoking crack, like I have always been, whatever the fuck you're doing for that week, your memory goes back to...

very, very, like, just a wall and then somewhere way back before you fucking smoked crack and shit.

You know, he's just always been this human that is bartending in Williamsburg and cutting the sleeves off his shirts and shit right now.

And I guess he's told me he's getting it, but he is getting into fitness because his band's getting back together or some shit.

Oh, right.

Last time his band got back together, he ended up living with like an insane Chinese.

I think that's where the Coke started.

Yeah.

He's like, oh, my band, we're going on tour again for the first time in 15 years.

Then he came back and he's like, this Chinese girl is moving in to be my wife.

I live with this Chinese girl now, who is a nightmare.

Dude, no one liked hanging out with her.

We were all hanging out on the patio one night, just drinking, hanging out in the patio, like seven people.

And she comes downstairs with a dinner plate with a bunch of blow on it, like a whole fucking like eight ball on the dinner plate.

Holy shit.

And she's like,

Who wants to do blow?

And everyone takes a look at the plate, and then they look at her, and individually, everyone's like, you know, we're all right, I guess.

Everyone used cocaine.

Everyone just skirted.

They didn't eat cocaine because they didn't want to have to hang out with her.

Because they didn't want to hang out with her.

And she's like, oh, okay.

And then just

goes back up the stairs, you know, back to the apartment by herself.

Blake said he found that plate of cocaine just in the cupboard.

She put it back in the cupboard.

She didn't even do the cocaine.

Yeah, she got shot down.

She didn't hang out with people that fucking hard.

Can you imagine that?

She told me I was gross for me before

the night I met her.

He was like, She sounds great.

I also missed that fucking show because I was on a truck full of Krusties to try to get from New York to Richmond to see their band play.

And I told him, like, the name of the bar is like, it's like Flamingo Bar or something like that.

And they fucking showed up to some place called like Flaming Joe's or something.

And they were like,

it's great.

They're just illiterate, idiot Krusties.

They also had like guns and shit.

They were telling me about people they robbed.

They're fucking morons.

The hobo lifestyle.

Yep.

Getting on the freight trains with your bindle.

That's something,

that's what you aspire to be is a 20-year-old comic, is some guy that has to ride trains, the gigs, the trucks, and hang out with fucking with Krusties, armed Krusties.

Legitimately,

in your comedy career, when you upgrade from Megabus to Amtrak,

that is a little bit more.

That's bigger than flying to.

Because when you fly to a gig, it's because you have to.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, when I first started featuring and you would fly, and then you would like almost break, you know, you make $200 for the weekend after that you take the cost of the flight out of the pay from the club.

Right.

But it was, like, felt pretty cool to be in the airport on, like, business, and the business being, you know,

I'm a comedian, and then you jam into like a fucking spirit, you know, economy seat.

They charge you for wearing clothes.

Right, yeah.

You just have to wear one pair.

You have to ride Spirit Naked.

The clothes cost money.

Yeah.

It's extra money to speak Spanish.

uh please do not speak spanish on on spirit airlines absolutely thank you i suck me too there's two stops now

interesting

the plot thickens

it does oh yeah dude hell yeah um

woo so I know a guy who took these fucking supplements, but I can't remember what the one was called that was big like 10 years ago, but it was like

it just turned your um like your muscles into they would just retain water so you would just look jacked or you're just like

creatine yeah it's creatine creatine works though yeah but what happens when you stop taking it doesn't it just deflate you yeah you deflate but what creatine helps with is it like it gives you like it helps you recover faster and then it gives you like more energy in the gym

yeah yeah there's some study that says it helps your muscles like synthesize ATP faster or something or whatever.

Can you take it just for your dick?

Is that possible?

No.

No interest.

That's a Stav question.

Hell yeah, dude.

No, that was good.

That was good.

That's what we need.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because Stav's dick doesn't work.

Nick also, today,

presented me with a gift.

The first gift I think you've ever given me.

That's true.

Interesting.

I now have a weight belt, which I definitely

will be too.

All right, Stop.

We'll be too embarrassed to wear in the gym.

Yeah, I gave Adam a weightlifting belt because he hurt his back doing deadlifts.

So Adam has a belt now to maintain his intra-abdominal pressure while he deadlifts that little pink five-pound dumbbell.

So your organs don't pierce through down the wall.

Sorry, I need to interrupt.

Stop, Ross.

He's laughing at Adam.

Oh, he's laughing at you making fun of him.

Yes, dude.

Right?

It's just Adam's gay.

You know?

I wish I had him.

I should have gotten him saying Adam's gay.

You know?

That would be better.

Don't keep your fucking hands off stop's face.

Let me play my time.

Don't touch stop right now.

I want to play.

Keep your hands off stop.

I love that that one was short laugh, and that was about four seconds long.

Well, listen, there he goes.

Here's long laugh.

And then the cackles are the best ones.

Seven cackles.

That's a good one.

Cackle number six, the last one you played?

Cackle six is an add-on.

So the rest of these, that one's an accoutrement.

So here's cackle four.

Cackle six is after you said something racist.

No, no, no.

You do cackle three,

and then you'd punch it with cackle six.

So it's

right, that's the one where it's like

you really crossed the line.

Yeah, you know, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, see?

And then there's different.

Hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah.

And that's as he gets tired throughout the show.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yes, dude.

Hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dude.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes.

You know?

Woo!

So

yeah, so that's gonna be on the uh Android and uh no ju I don't know how to make Android apps.

Yeah, if you you really should be listening to Comtown on the screen.

I don't see why it would be that difficult.

Um and I only wrote this for the iPad.

I guess it would be pretty easy to make it universal.

But uh

yeah.

Uh what I need is an Apple Watch app.

Stop on the Apple Watch.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll do that next.

Can you make him into Siri?

Holy shit.

That would be pretty fucking sweet.

Be like, hey, Siri, what's the weather today?

A cupcake and a candy bar.

Hey, Siri, what movies are you playing?

Fried spam, peanut oil, 40 Jimmy Dean sandwiched burger or breakfast sandwiches.

Quadruple deck fucking burgers.

Lentils and fucking rice.

A cupcake and a candy bar.

Fav of these

fucking funniest one.

Yeah, I wish I had one that I pulled from

the episode that I took all these from where he just goes, Billy Joel.

Oh, man, I wish that was on the app.

Yeah, I don't know.

I just, I ran out of time.

I had to fucking go do a bunch of shit.

I was walking fast with some Puerto Rican dude the other day.

He said the most fucking Puerto Rican shit ever.

Some angry guy was just like, Bring that pussy over here so I could cheat on it.

He just said, Is that it?

Is that the most Puerto Rican shit ever?

I mean, pretty much.

He was just wearing a wife beater, looking all angry, and he just stood up to no one and just went, My cousin!

It was just like a part of a sentence that had nothing.

Like, what about your cousin?

Furious, either at him, or something happened to him or something.

Yeah,

just stared into the wind like a fucking pit bull.

Yes, my Puerto Rican neighbor, Victor,

has been using our garbage can, guys.

Hell yeah.

For what?

For throwing out his food, dude.

His Puerto Rican.

Interesting.

What kind of food?

You know, Puerto Rico.

Whatever, man.

This shit's boring.

Who cares?

All right.

Let's go back to the notes.

There's a new Uncharted game coming out.

Uncharted.

Interesting.

Uncharted is like the Indiana Jones one.

Yeah, but this one has a girl in it.

Oh, sick.

No!

Fuck no, dude.

That's right.

Stav, you should think more.

Yeah, actually, Stav wouldn't agree with me on that.

He doesn't get on board with the all-right stuff.

He's all about, you know, he would say, a girl, maybe I could eat her pussy.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's more his speech.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Stop's all about eating pussy

and then somehow pretending it's a type of feminism.

Woo!

Oh, fuck.

Hillary has a new book out where she blames Bernie Sanders for being unfuckable.

How many fucking books is this bitch gonna write?

Absolutely.

She's got like one every fucking two weeks.

Yeah.

Damn.

That one book is just like I owned slaves, chapter seven, and then like put it out.

Yes.

It's funny how like nobody caught that for like a year.

They didn't catch that during the election at all.

That book came out in like 1996.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It wasn't It Takes a Village.

That was a different book.

No, it was I Own a Village.

I owned a Village.

Yeah.

It takes a Village for me.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jake, have you read any of the Hillary Clinton books?

You seem like you hate Hillary enough to read her books.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I would hate reader books.

The new one that everyone's pissed off about isn't out yet.

So it's just that a screenshot of a page came out where she cited a Facebook post that was like, Bernie wants to give you a pony.

And the pony is not realistic.

And Hillary's like, well, guys, maybe like, no.

And then it's very, like, very, it's retarded fucking Facebook posts.

Apparently, you remember those, those, those posts, it was like the blue background with the thing on the bottom.

Yeah.

Hillary Hernandez.

Hillary and the Bernie version.

And then somebody, I forget who, they wrote that fucking like medium post.

It was in all capital letters.

And it was like, that's your fucking point?

Is that she's not cool?

Seriously?

Yeah, I'm fucking using all caps because I don't give a shit anymore.

You know, it's like girl power time.

We need a gloves are off.

Right.

Caps locks locks on.

Yeah, exactly.

And it's just so funny that those people didn't get it.

It's like, no, the point isn't that she's not cool.

It's that her whole campaign is centered around being cool.

And it doesn't work.

That was the whole fucking point is that she's the cool mom.

And so trust us, she's cool.

That's why that fucking Onion article was so good.

The one that was like, I'm fun

by Hillary Clinton.

It's like, I am fun.

I both enjoy having fun and producing fun.

Yeah.

Well, that's what she was all about: like, trying to brand herself

to not talk about her actual policies because there's shit that people don't fucking like.

Whatever, man.

This shit's boring.

Who cares?

North Korea has a hydrogen bomb they've tested in an underground cave.

That's pretty cool.

Whatever, man.

No one cares.

Are you fielding phone calls right now, Adam?

No, I just silenced a phone call because I'm watching on the podcast.

Phone's away while we do the show.

Yeah, phone's away.

Okay?

Absolutely.

No chewing gum.

Adam likes to look at gay porn on his phone while we're doing the show.

No, I don't.

Interesting.

Yeah, I look at straight porn.

Me too.

Fava beans.

That's not straight porn, Sam.

That's food.

No, it's not.

It's straight porn.

Whatever, man.

This shit's boring.

Who cares?

Yeah.

So North Korea's got a bomb.

They've got a bomb.

And Trump is the bomb.

Yes, dude.

Yeah, it's cool.

They just did a hydrogen bomb test, and Trump is now saying that he might put sanctions against any country that has any relations with them.

And that would include China

and South Korea, I guess.

That bomb can only reach L.A.

What does he have?

South Korea is their enemy.

North Korea doesn't have any bigger enemy than South Korea.

I don't know.

How that works.

I think that it's like, you know, he didn't necessarily serve in Vietnam, but it's a very Vietnam-style logic where he's like, you know, back when you're in the shit, okay, you couldn't tell the difference between Charlie and who was friendlies.

You got to kill them all.

You got to mow them all down.

And

they're all named Charlie for some reason.

Yeah.

And they're all named Charlie.

I don't understand why.

Yeah.

Fuck, the Leroy's are coming for us.

You know?

What's that short for?

Victor Charlie?

Charlie?

Charlie Hebdo, I think.

Yeah.

Oh, there's a new Charlie Hebdo that just dropped.

The story of

where gook came from is so funny.

Where did that come from?

It's because like

America, the word American in Vietnamese or something, or maybe it was Korea, was like me gook.

So Korean people would say, me, gook, me, gook.

And then the GIs would be like, okay, gook.

Damn.

They were cavemen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn.

I can't remember what languages.

I asked somebody in high school and they were like, it's a hot guy and bak guy are like white person in the animal.

Didn't you say you went to school with like some Korean kid?

His name was like suck my daddy.

A bunch of them.

I went to Korean school with these two Chinese guys.

They were identical twins and they were both named Dong.

No, they were both named Dung.

And

like they would, one of them was like real.

Teacher, like, oh, I think I'm going to butcher this.

Shitty Faggot.

Yo, that's me.

I'm Shitty Faggot.

This is my twin brother.

Shitty Faggot.

And they were both.

We got the same name.

They were both fucking.

Am I saying it right?

Are you sure?

It's shitty faggot.

Yeah, that's shit.

That's my name.

S-H-I-T-T-Y

Space.

Yeah.

They were both super jacked.

And one of them was like real into fashion.

They're also like, they would throw each other around like acrobats and shit.

And one of them was real shifty and like into gambling.

And he would just like sidle up to you in the hallway and then throw down this mat that had like all these different farm animals' faces on it, and then these dice.

And you throw the dice down under a cup and throw dollars on the thing.

And if you would put like dollars down, I'm like, I'm thinking I'm gonna get three pigs or three chickens or whatever.

It was fucking

what the role was.

Yeah, but it was this insane like Chinese gambling system that I've hence since never seen it.

Yeah, celestial gambling.

Jesus roll.

He rolled two ones and he goes, Slan eyes.

Foxcars.

Get to work.

Show me number seven.

Rucky number seven.

Yeah, claps.

I've never played craps.

I used to deal it, and I don't really even remember how it fucking works.

I told somebody that craps was a fake game they made up for the movies

because all the games in Vegas are copyrighted, so you can't shoot them without paying royalties to Vegas.

That's not true.

Of course it's not true.

What part of I told someone to tell someone that.

God damn it, dude.

That's not true.

You're talking shit about Vegas.

That's not fucking true.

I'm the red.

I've got a tidbit.

I'm the kind of thing.

Whatever, man.

This shit's boring.

Who cares?

No, shut up, Steve.

Who wants to hear.

Does anyone want to hear Adam tell a tidbit about Vegas?

No,

fuck no, dude.

Thank you, dude.

I agree, second stop.

Woo!

Thank you, first stuff.

How many stops are there?

Absolutely.

Me too.

Me too.

Nice, dude.

Nice.

Oh, there's too many stops.

Nice, nice.

No, no.

They're replicating

up the roof.

Right, right, right.

Very quickly.

Fat.

This is going to be super listening.

What?

People are going to love this.

Look, I'm getting into making music.

A cupcake and a candy bar.

And you should appreciate it.

Fava beans.

That's a hot track.

Right there.

You've been in the stew.

I am, dude.

I'm the next.

I'm Starvex.

You lived in Vegas?

I grew up there.

Damn.

Yeah.

His parents took a gamble.

They bet on not gay, and they've lost.

The big gamble is figuring out how to make our son not gay.

I love having you make my dad.

Throw the dice.

You make my dad Steve Irwin.

Mike Croggy, it's me.

Adam's dead.

Adam, I've got bad news.

If you turn out gay, you're headed a family.

The family.

I'm sorry, Dan.

Dad,

I'm dead.

George, but Bilklin.

I'm Bilklin.

Dad, it's me, Adam.

I'm five years old and I'm gay.

Adam, it's me, your gay son, Adam.

Wow, that's really good.

I guarantee you, I will stop being gay by the time I turn 30.

I did not have sex with that woman because I'm gay.

Have sex with men.

I have never had sex with

any woman ever.

She said her name was Monica Lewinsky.

And I said, is there any way you could introduce me to a Montel Lewinsky?

A Jewish black man.

I'm trying to suck a Lenny Kravitz-style dude.

It's me.

14-year-old Adam Friedland.

And I guarantee you,

I guarantee you,

I will be straight by the time I turn 32 years old.

I promise.

Thanks.

Damn, that was a really, that was a good bit.

It was me as a

gay 14-year-old Bill Flint.

Hell yeah, dude.

That might go in the classic file.

Yeah, well, let's wrap this up.

It's back to school coming up with some cool, cool.

I had spelled cool with a K here.

Distinctions.

That's good.

That's good.

Cool things to buy your kids for school.

Why don't you raise some tech kids?

Get them an iPad.

Teach them how to fucking program.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

I tell you what, we had to get TI-83s for school when I was a kid.

Yeah.

And I learned how to program the TI-83.

And that was the beginning of me becoming a faggot.

Did your mom take you to get a new outfit?

No, never.

I wore suits.

I wore sweatsuits.

You never got like

8th grade fucking.

You never got a cocktail.

I remember all the shirts.

And when I was in eighth grade, all of the shirts I had.

First of all, I mean, I just had shirts from like elementary school on.

I just collected shirts.

But all of my new clothes for that year was like one of those tourist, you know, like places like in the streets in D.C.

where they have like t-shirts that say Washington, D.C.

They're like FBI.

They were throwing out those shirts.

They were getting rid of them.

And your mom?

So it was like $5 for like 10 shirts.

And I had like nine different shirts that said, you know, like 10 shirts that just said Washington, D.C.

Did you, did you wear like a female body inspector shirt?

I did.

I still have an FBI shirt.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, it didn't say, it just said FBI on it.

Oh, okay.

But you know what that stands for.

It stands for female body inspector.

I said that to somebody one time, and this cooler, older kid was like, have you ever inspected a female body?

And I was like, No.

I don't like how hard he's laughing at that.

Damn.

Yeah, he's laughing.

Did you ever have to wear the like the polo shirts and the khakis and shit?

No.

You ever watched The Wire?

You know, they wear those like weird maroon polo shirts?

Oh, yeah, like uniforms?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had to wear that shit, and it was fucking funny because if you showed up and you weren't wearing like a belt, they made you wear like a cord, like jimbo and shit.

What, like an extension cord?

Yeah, yeah, like an extension cord.

And like,

but like it didn't matter because like the idea is to like make it to where everyone's equal to like you know because it's embarrassing and someone's dookie and they don't have like good clothes or whatever but like there was i mean it was just like giant fucking bullies just dressed like like weird you know preppy fucking like yacht guys just like uh there was this there was this kid there's this giant blackhead in middle school who was like i don't know like seven feet tall or something and in like like eighth grade and he would just run into class and just like flip your desk over and just go chop he just had like a a catchphrase, which is chop.

And then

he switched it to slice halfway through the year.

And it changed everything.

It was fucking tight, man.

Dude, there was this.

There are these two twins, my sister's year, that, like, you know, like, when you're twins.

Whatever, man, this shit's boring.

Who cares?

Stop, that's me.

What are some cool things to buy your kids for school, going back to school?

Pot.

Yeah, that is a cool thing to do.

That is a cool thing to buy your kids.

You know what?

I think.

It's funny when somebody says,

if I had a daughter, I would buy her one of those long, slippery-ass dildos.

You know?

One of those 17-inch

bugs just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know, these ones you shake at people like a wand.

So it fucking binds up as it's going into her pussy for the first time.

She goes,

why'd you buy me this?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's back to school.

I want your pussy in Peelgood.

I didn't really do well in school.

I kind of figured things out on my own.

Yeah, that's true.

You're going to have to, you know what?

You're going to have to figure things out on your own.

Here's the deal now.

Nick, you were a bet.

Were you ever like those kids that were like, I don't need a backpack.

I'm just going to carry the books?

Do you ever do that?

You seemed like one of those.

No, you know what I would do is I would get assigned my books.

I would put them all in my fucking backpack.

I would never do any work.

I have no idea.

I never used a locker.

I have no idea where any of my lockers were.

And then I would just walk around with an additional like 50 pounds of unused books.

Yeah, why do we do that to kids?

I don't know, dude.

My back's fucked up now, still.

Yeah, I still have like chronic back pain.

Yeah,

my parents really tried to sell me on the rolling backpack.

They're like, it'll be so much better for your back.

And I'm like, not when somebody fucking kicks your back in half.

Yeah, you get your ass kicked.

He just rapes you with a broomstick because of your fucking stupid backpack.

Yeah, you used to kick the kids.

As a gay 14-year-old, there's nothing I would love more than a rolling backpack.

I would love to march directly into the girls' locker room, which I use

with my brand new rolling backpack filled to the brim with those long, slippery dildos.

The ones I like.

The slippery.

The adjective slippery is so funny in that game.

Dear dad, yes, Adam.

Can I have that dildo?

Eden, what are you doing in there?

Nothing.

Certainly not.

Inserting a long, slippery dildo

directly into my ass.

You can speak.

Go ahead.

You're allowed to speak.

No, this small Bill Clinton is very funny.

He's like four feet tall and he's saying this shit.

He's like looking up at you, but doing the thumb thing still.

Yeah, yeah.

You guys can't see.

I'm doing the thumb thing, which where you point through, but you put your thumb through your index finger,

which seals the Bill Clinton.

The proctology thing, yeah.

That's how you do it.

You gotta have it.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Oh, man.

Fava bean.

A cupcake and a candy bar.

40 Jimmy Dean sandwich, burger, or breakfast sandwiches.

More than 300.

More like 5 a.m.

Whoa, that's

the end of the episode,

folks.

Thank you.

Absolutely.

Damn.

Fava beans.

This NFL season, every moment counts.

And with TCL, every moment looks better.

It's the ultimate season to score, powered by TCL, the official TV partner of the NFL.

And believe me, football has never looked better.

Picture this.

Kickoff on a massive 75-inch TCL QD mini LED TV.

The colors explode with intensity, and the motion is so smooth, you'll feel like you're standing on the sidelines.

Whether it's game-winning touchdowns, blockbuster movies, or late-night gaming marathons, TCL delivers performance that brings it all to life.

TCL is making it easier than ever to upgrade with savings up to 50% off select models.

From the flagship QM8K with its incredible picture and sound to the versatile QM6K, there's a TCL designed for your home.

Don't just watch the game, own it.

TCL is the official TV partner of the NFL, and football has never looked better.

Available at all major retailers, visit TCL.com for details.

TCL, the ultimate season to score.

Life's messy.

We're talking spills, stains, pets, and kids.

But with Anibay, you never have to stress about messes again.

At washablesofas.com, discover Anibay Sofas, the only fully machine-washable sofas inside and out, starting at just $699.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

That means fewer stains and more peace of mind.

Designed for real life, our sofas feature changeable fabric covers, allowing you to refresh your style anytime.

Need flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa effortlessly.

Perfect for cozy apartments or spacious homes.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and built to last.

That's why over 200,000 happy customers have made the switch.

Upgrade your space today.

Visit washable sofas.com now and bring home a sofa made for life.

That's washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.