Ep. 64 – Tier One

I started a while ago.

Oh, really?

Podcast?

Did we get the thing where I called Adam a Jewish?

I said, yeah, you're a Jap.

No, no.

Jewish American pussy.

No one was holding the microphone, so it's just a little bit of silence.

Oh, nice.

Well, anyway, guys,

I like it because, like, I don't know how to remove the noise floor.

So it's kind of like when you start the podcast and there's silence, it's like you get that warmth of a vinyl record.

Oh, yeah, dude.

It makes people think about, you know,

time.

You got ages that are happening.

Oh, yeah.

The fall's coming up.

The fall is coming.

Well, we are

here.

We are to get all of our pods on vinyl.

We're all almost 30 now.

You got to listen to us on analog.

Think back on all the relationships you've been through, how they got fucked up.

They don't give a shit anymore.

Yep.

They don't care.

No.

You just want to take a nice train ride out to the aqueduct, smoke a little cigarillo, and get on some ponies.

Yeah, we should go to

the game.

I have to go by myself.

Me and Adam will go.

It's a personal thing.

Are you going to get into gambling?

Am I ready?

Have you ever been into gambling?

No, I'm not really.

I used to gamble as a 13-year-old.

I used to gamble on football games in Texas Hold'em when everyone was into Hold'em.

I have a friend who's a degenerate gambler, and he lives in Connecticut, and he met his new girlfriend at Mohegan Son.

Wow.

And she's also a degenerate gambler.

Oh, nice.

Sounds like he's gambling on love.

There was a heroin addict.

It was my boss when I was a teenager.

At what job?

At Jerry's Subs and Pizza.

Hell yeah.

And

he was also really in a scratch-off lottery.

And he was like, no, dude, there's a fucking white,

you know.

He had a sister.

I got a sister.

He did.

The scratch-off lottery.

Nah, dog.

If you do it with pennies instead of quarters, you'll win 25% more.

Yeah, that's really sad.

Oh, yeah.

Gambling is really sad.

Yep.

Yeah, I mean, I've talked about my crazy grandfather who lost all his.

What didn't go to birds went to the fucking lotto, and he never won.

He won.

I'm really sorry.

Everybody's grandfather was a degenerate gambler.

That's just what grandpas do.

My other one was an alcoholic.

He wasn't a gambler, though.

Yeah.

My grandpa was.

I remember for my eighth birthday, I think.

I can't remember which birthday it was, but he got me like a free desk calculator from Nataj Mahal in Linux City.

It's like something they just gave him for coming all the time.

Because he lost $400, and they're like, here's a $3 calculator.

Yeah, yeah.

That's hilarious.

So one was a game.

Yeah, I had a gambler, an alcoholic.

We know you have one rapist grandfather.

What about what else do you have?

Who's on the other side?

My dad.

But that's a type of gambling, you know?

Gambling with the law.

Okay, so gambler slash rapist.

Who's the other one?

What are you talking about?

The other grandfather?

Yeah, give us a little background.

I heard he was a very weak man, and he got bullied by his wife.

I never met him.

I just heard about his weakness.

It's a legendary.

So we know what you

inherited from both of them.

My

mom used to do this thing after her husband died when my parents were dating or like a young couple where she'd like, she had a man's watch in the house, and she would leave it on the bedside table

next to

just a simulated

side of the table to like make my parents think that she was getting dick.

What?

Yeah.

Why?

She was a weird lady.

Is that the one?

She divorced a bunch?

No, no.

This is my mom's house.

She was also notoriously cheap, and she'd like, she'd have us over for dinner.

She was what?

She was the most cheap person in the family.

She'd have us over for dinner, and she'd buy a piece of meat, and like the running joke would be like, she'd take it out of the oven.

As you know, when you cook meat, it shrinks.

She would always say, oh, you should have seen the size of it before I put it in.

That's what I say about my dick.

Yeah, it's hard.

When it gets hard.

It's like a little pot roast.

It shrinks when it gets hard.

But it would be hilarious.

I'd have to go over to her house for dinner because she moved to Vegas before she died.

And she'd give us

three peas, like a carrot.

Jesus Christ.

It was like...

Good God.

It was like, yeah, so she really lived up to the Jewish height.

She was a country, old country Jewish.

Oh, that's awesome.

I mean, even though she was South African, it was like, She's afraid.

And it was like, that generation is which country?

The bank?

Ha ha ha.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that where they live?

The bank?

That's good.

No, but like that whole generation is almost completely dead now.

You know, I love in Philly, there's the U.S.

Mint where they make the pennies, and then directly upwind is the Jewish American History Museum.

Upwind.

Up wind.

We got a great location right next to the bakery.

That's so funny.

Just walking through that neighborhood.

Yeah, I was all drunk at like 11 o'clock in the morning when I made that discovery.

That's beautiful in Philly.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Hey, come here.

I got to tell you something.

I'm part of the field trip.

I'm not part of the field trip.

I could be.

I went to school.

Let me relive my childhood via your field trip.

I promise I won't breathe in any of the kids' mouths.

You're just alone in the back of the line.

No, I went in the mint.

There was literally no one in there.

I'd walked through it.

That's like a very shitty place to tour.

It's the U.S.

Mint in Philadelphia.

Did you take pennies?

No, you can't do any accident.

You'd fucking.

Sorry.

I was just asking you first.

You go in, you go up an escalator.

There's a single hallway filled with a couple of plaques and windows into the like the you know where they stamp out the sheets and pennies and cut them or whatever.

And then

you go down another escalator that exits through the gift shop, and that's like that's pretty much it.

Nice.

You know, then you buy like penny t-shirts.

They have they have a gift shop.

And then when I went into the gift shop,

that'd be a nice gift for me.

When I went into the gift shop,

shut the fuck up.

Okay.

Shut up, please.

I'm sorry.

Dude, he went into a gift shop.

Can we figure out how this ends, please?

I know.

It's not even that good of a story, but you have to keep making this t-shirt joke over and over again.

I just made it once.

No, you said it two or three times.

He said, Is there a penny t-shirt?

That would be a good birthday present for me.

I like the range of Adam impressions we have on the show.

I appreciate that.

That was the least gay impression.

This is me trying to save money.

This is me thinking I'm funny.

It's the different modes of Adam.

It's true.

Dr.

Pussy.

I'm like that movie Inside Out.

I got all different types of things inside of that.

That's good.

Mostly man.

I like that movie In N-Out where Kevin Klein...

He's gay, he's not gay.

He thinks he's gay, and then it turns out he's not gay.

He likes drama.

Is that the plot of a movie?

The plot of the movie is like there's some gay guy that becomes famous, and he's like, I just really want to thank my high school English teacher, who was the first gay person I knew, you know, back in my small town in Maine or whatever.

And Kevin Klein plays the teacher, and he's like,

He thinks I'm gay, and everyone's like, Really?

Yeah, and everyone's like, Yeah, we all thought you were gay.

And he's like, Maybe I'm gay.

And he starts sucking cops just to see.

Yeah, he goes on like a little truck stop tour.

Nice.

Getting frogged out by a couple of convoy boys.

Goes to a bunch of

bathrooms.

You know,

And then, you know, he does enough burning the candle on both ends, gets diagnosed with HIV, gets fired from the job at the school.

He actually gets AIDS?

No.

I'm making a much better movie.

So it's just a movie about a guy who sucks copyrights.

I'm imagining a movie called The Teacher.

Nice.

Directed by me.

It's just gay porn.

Yeah.

But, you know, it's Oscar worthy.

Oh, of course, brother.

In fact,

the name of the main character character is Oscar Winner.

Oh, that's good.

So when they read it off, it opens, the movie opens, and

it's in sepia tone, right?

Of course.

But then there's neon highlighting.

So it's a visual style where you say, what is this?

Is it the past?

Is it the future?

It's a little bit of both, guys.

It's about the dichotomy of, you know, whatever.

And

we see a bathroom.

There's a trans person just covered in fucking needles like a porcupine.

Okay.

She's got hypodermic needles sticking out of them.

They're overdosing.

And then a Republican is having sex with the trans person's mouth.

And then

they go, don't tell anybody about this.

I'm a Republican.

That is.

And they leave.

And then

a black guy comes in.

He says something racist about Chinese people.

And somebody says, you can't say that.

You're black.

And he's like, yeah, it makes you think, doesn't it?

Whoa.

But they can be racist.

They're not all friends.

They're not all friends, exactly.

What?

Yeah, I thought

minorities were friends.

And then a white girl moves to Bushwick and a Puerto Rican guy teaches her how to have sex.

Wait, that's a movie.

Did you see that movie?

Yeah, yeah.

These are all movies, Adam.

I'm creating the greatest movie.

You're doing crash, I guess, the last one.

I'm creating the greatest movie of all time.

If you would just allow me to direct, please.

Not fucking interrupt.

Your job is to bring people bagels from wherever your secret little place is.

That's your job on this production.

Do you have a secret bagel place?

Of course, I do have a secret bagel.

Can I know where it is?

He volunteered there with a little organization known as the IDF.

His secret bagel plays.

Paratroopers.

I love this idea for this movie.

Yeah.

Anyhow, yeah.

And then Oscar Winter is the gay guy in the middle of it.

Beautiful.

Played by,

I don't know, let's say that dude from 12 Years a Slave.

Chino Chinewe.

Chilla.

Chipotle.

Chinoa acheme.

Chinu achewe.

Chinoa chipotle.

Chinua chip.

Things fall apart.

That's the guy who wrote Things Fall Apart.

Wait, wait, Maharasha Ali?

Is that the guy's name?

No, that's Moonlight.

The Maharaji Yogi.

He was the guy that gave the Beatles LSD for the first time.

Really?

Was it an Indian guy?

No, I think that that's after the LSD.

They wanted to learn how to trade.

What do you call an Indian guy that does acid?

What?

That might be too.

Micro.head.

Is that too bad?

too racist.

A little bit of acid.

That's good.

Yeah.

No, that checks out.

Yeah, the mint does seem like a shitty ass place to take a field trip, though, dude.

I don't know.

My favorite trip is.

No, this wasn't a field trip.

This is me by myself as an adult man drunk at 11 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah.

Why were you in Philly?

I was working Helium.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, bro.

That used to be one of my favorite clubs to go, dude.

I've never done it.

I can't anymore.

Why?

I'm banned from Philadelphia.

For a whole reason?

Yeah, they kicked me out.

For what?

Believe it or not, I was somehow too racist.

That's not possible.

Dude, that was fake, dude.

That's not possible.

It's real.

You were too racist?

I was.

I got too real in old Philadelphia.

Damn, bro.

You got kicked out of Ginos for being a real person.

I said Ben Franklin's gay.

Don't you never talk about no Franklin like that.

Don't you never talk about Benny Franks like that?

Ben Spanklin.

Ben Spank Banklin.

Oh, nice.

It's him beating off.

He invented remembering things to Jack Offer.

No joke, Franklin probably had a pretty good spank bank.

For like back in the day.

You keep trying to sell this Ben.

I love Ben Franklin.

I was like, I love the snowy Ben Franklin.

I love him.

He was a horny man.

He was a horny guy.

I'm sure he was.

He was a fat, horny guy.

You know, with glasses, bald, which I have now claimed on this episode, I'll claim that I'm bald.

But next episode, I'm going back to the bit where I say I'm never bald.

I have a lot in common with Ben Franklin, dude.

Glasses.

I'm going to have a bald pony because I'm not sure if Ben Franklin was a fucking idiot, dude.

Take it back.

He was an inventor.

Postmaster General.

He's one of the shittiest.

First of all, he likes stamps, motherfucker.

He invented them.

Bifocals.

Bifocals.

Common sexual.

The idea to not just allow parcel service to be privatized immediately, set back

postage in the United States to absolutely not.

Get that libertarian take out of it.

It's libertarian.

Now the the fucking worst service.

USPS.

You compare it to any one of the other ones.

They have no accountability.

It's the Republicans.

Yep.

And now USPS is subsidized.

All the big carriers get their arms twisted into.

No, I feel like there's a

Republicans.

My college girlfriend loved the Postal Service, and she had a lot of facts.

So I'm going to text her, and then next episode, I'm going to come back at you.

She's going to be like, oh, that fat faggot is trying to find another excuse to talk to me again.

And this time he's using the post office.

I got into an argument with a libertarian.

Tell me some reasons why the post office is good.

Yes.

And then whatever much taller, not bald, not fat guy is currently

reaching depths that you could only dream of.

Absolutely not.

Inside of that sweet.

I fuck with beautiful finesse and artistry.

Absolutely, I do.

That's what I'm looking forward to with my new room.

Because my old room...

This dick just like smooches the tip of the pussy.

First of all, of course my dick does smooch.

But that's part of the

technique.

Adam has seen my dick and he said it's bigger than he thought it was going to be.

Yeah, I've said that.

That doesn't mean anything.

It means something, buddy.

I'll take it.

I thought it would be like a car accident down there.

But it was nice and smooth, you know?

A good skin tone.

Yeah.

It's dark.

It's dark.

It's olive-skinned.

You know?

Yeah.

And I, and listen, I know my angles.

I know what I'm doing in there.

You know, I'm excited to maybe fuck, you know, really let it.

Because before my old room, the walls would shake because it was a fake room.

Yeah.

And you know I'm getting it in.

So now I got a full wall.

Maybe I'll put my feet on the wall.

Maybe I'll fuck like one foot up on the wall, dude.

Acrobatics.

Does Ryan have a lot of sex in your house?

I have not heard him fuck once.

Really?

I've heard Eldis fuck.

Maybe he has quiet sex, Ryan.

I wonder how shut fucks.

I've lived with a couple of the last three years and I haven't heard them have sex once.

Really?

No.

I don't know about if it's an acoustics thing.

It's probably an acoustic thing.

They're on the other side of the apartment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I put a microphone in the room.

Yeah.

Oh, I have cameras in there.

Just to make sure they're okay.

They're like, Adam, is this a baby monitor in our room?

You're like, yeah.

And they're like, what the fuck is this doing in there?

And you're like, it's for a baby.

I'm like, but we don't have a baby.

I'm like, yeah, but what if you do?

So you're going to want it at some point.

It's not like I have any ability to monitor now.

There's no baby in there.

I lived with that guy, John, in D.C., who used to hear, you know, me and my ex-girlfriend have sex.

We had no walls in that place.

No walls while you're hitting them back walls at my right brother.

Yeah, so I mean my rent was you know $600 instead of $1,000.

That's tight.

And you fucked loudly.

For a guy to beat off every time I have sex with my girlfriend.

That's a good trade-off.

You think he was beating off to that?

I think there was a chance he was.

Really?

He was the dude that was like, when we were like waiting in line to get into a bar once, he just like like turned to me and he goes, I love to wait.

He loves waiting?

Yeah, that's so weird.

What the fuck is that?

Yeah, yeah.

Howard, that's your activity is killing time.

He likes, wait, yeah, he's like, I like post offices,

supermarkets.

I love waiting.

And it's like, bizarre.

Yeah, it was really strange.

And then, like, he was also the admin of the Seltzer fan page on Facebook.

I remember that guy.

Yeah, he definitely beat off to you fucking for sure.

I mean, if it saved $400,000.

The only thing I remember about that guy is

there was one night we did some show at like, it was only like Funny Moms or something.

And, like,

Motti had to wear a costume.

Yeah.

So he put the costume on.

He, like, Matty, like, changed shirts to put the costume on in some, like, hallway next to the stage.

And then, fucking hours later.

Like, six hours later, we're at your apartment hanging out, smoking weed.

And I'm sitting there next to John and then Mottie, who's across from me.

And I'm not, saying, I was pretty fucked up, so I wasn't saying anything.

And John had not said anything.

And then he just says to Motti, like,

hey, Motti, you got pretty nice abs, dude.

I saw you changing earlier.

And it was like the only.

And then Mottie's like autistic.

So he's like,

what does that mean?

What do you mean by nice abs?

I didn't know how to respond to it.

And me and Sarah were the only people that saw it.

And we just started like crying.

Yeah.

It was so funny.

One time I saw him in the living room, like just looking at this piece of paper, and I could tell after like a few minutes he was drawing.

And I said, What are you drawing?

And he said,

I'm drawing a mattress, but very zoomed in.

And also, we didn't talk about it enough, but

yeah, what the fuck is that?

Just a block?

Like, what is that?

But very zoomed in.

Also, like, he should be on this.

The fact that he was the admin of self-service.

We got a fire stop and bring on he just created, he just created the, he just made a page for seltzer and then linked all the information from the Wikipedia.

Yeah, yeah.

And he was just the admin.

Yeah, it's like when Facebook started having like pages, right, right, right.

He just took it apart.

He heard about that.

He said, well, and then I said, John, we don't have seltzer in the house.

Like, I've never even seen you drink seltzer.

He's like, no, I think it's okay.

Yeah, he wasn't even a big fan of it.

He wasn't even that big.

He was the best person.

He wasn't even that much into seltzer water.

But he just felt inclined when he found out you can make a page to make the seltzer.

To make the seltzer water.

Man, what's Johnny up to these days?

I don't know.

He lives in D.C.

I don't know what he's doing.

He's fine.

He's like some sort of Fed or oh, is he a snitch?

No, no, no.

Is he a Federale?

He was pretty woke, dude.

He was like...

Oh, really?

Yeah, he was like kind of Occupy woke.

Nice.

You know, but

I remember I was making fun of Occupy, and he was like, actually, it changed my life.

And I was like, all right, I'm not sorry, dude.

That's legal.

Supporting Occupy isn't woke.

It's not like a woke thing.

Well, that's pretty cool.

He's like a drum circuit.

Everyone, like, a lot of people fucking supported Occupy.

That's not the woke.

We're now letting woke mean too many things because it's a specific type of shitty behavior.

No, woke has multiple applications.

But I will say, that was like a precursor.

A lot of people that were Occupy bros became woke bros.

Yeah, yeah.

It kind of splintered off.

Yeah.

I think.

I wouldn't say so.

No?

No.

You don't think a big faction of that were people that were kind of like SJs?

No.

Yeah, I don't.

Well, a lot of SJ dubs are like people that just take that terminology and language in order to call out people they don't like.

You know, so it's like,

you know, if you don't like Hillary, you're a racist, you're a sexist, you know.

It's just people using terminology that came from academics.

You're right, because I guess the Occupy people were actually doing something.

Well, they didn't even know what they were doing.

But they were doing, yeah, they were actually like.

No, but they don't know what they're doing.

That's like Fox News bullshit.

No, at the same time, no, because Fox spent a lot of time trying to get the message out.

Like the mainstream media as a whole, that Occupy was just a bunch of fucking dirty hippies that don't know what they want, that just don't want to work, and they have a problem with DeCon.

No, that was the same exact time.

At the same exact time, they were pretending like the Tea Party was this coherent

church movement that was happening.

That was in the Tea Party.

I remember when they were passing Obamacare in 2008, I went down to the Capitol when I was living in D.C.

And there was literally 23 people outside.

Michelle Bachman was talking to them.

Damn, remember that fucking idiot?

Standard gay ass husband?

There was like 20 or 30 old people, like fat old people, that were protesting.

And then there were like, I remember seeing on the news, there was like guerrilla cams going through the crowd to make it look like like fucking a thousand people were there.

And that same day, there was a march for illegal immigrants on the mall, and there had to have been 20,000 illegal immigrants on the mall, and not a single news network covered it.

Well, fuck it.

If illegal immigrants want coverage, they can start their own news network.

Thank you.

I

mean, it's CNN, but it's SI.

Occupy, what we found was that they had a decentralized power structure and they couldn't make any clear demands.

So

it was that they couldn't figure out what they wanted a lot of shit.

They wanted a lot of shit.

And I mean, I thought.

Every single

question, that's a bullshit criticism.

No, no, no, no.

But about any kind of social unrest and say, oh, we don't have clear demands and it's decentralized.

No, no, hold on.

That's the kind of bullshit they lob at like Black Lives Matter or anything.

Yeah, that's not true.

It's absolutely true.

They didn't have great messaging.

That is true.

That was part of the problem.

The most productive thing to come out of Occupy was the terminology 99%.

that is something that's still used and that came out of the occupy movement yeah and that actually like put in context like wealth disparity and it was like a very like positive messaging like i think they did release like some kind of 23 point yeah at some point eventually but it was it was late in the you know it was after months dude i was sympathetic i went up to new york i was living in dc i went up to zuccotti park and like i checked it out you know zuccotti and then it was just like a ton of chinese tourists like on the periphery taking pictures that's It was like cops and Chinese tourists.

And then, you know, fucking,

you know, whatever.

People out there.

I'm not saying that it was a bad thing, necessarily.

I'm saying it's a bad thing.

You're saying it was a bad bad thing.

Well, you're anti-Occupy, dude.

That's fucking.

I'm not anti-Occupy.

Dude, did you know, Adam, that kind of bane is kind of like an Occupy?

Bane?

Have you ever considered?

I don't know if you've seen the

Dark Night Rises, but that analogy.

I don't like that.

That's for Nolan.

The implication is that people who are jacked are bad, yeah, that's true, and need to use you know those like training.

What are those bane masks that people use for training?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they cut off your oxygen, reduces the amount of oxygen you have available to you, so it like helps your lungs grow or something.

Um, well, no, if you have like a limited amount of oxygen being pumped into your bloodstream, your body will create more red blood cells to adapt.

Whoa, so then when you take the mask off, it's able to, yeah, I mean, it's like high-altitude training, basically.

Similar to that.

It's like thinner, yeah.

No, but I actually, speaking of Chris Nolan, I don't, I haven't, I'm like,

what I do is I saw the news.

I put a weightlifting belt around my neck.

Yes.

Yes.

And then it doesn't make me stronger, but yeah, I do come.

Yeah.

Which is the most important part of going to the gym.

I love those fat guys that just wear weight belts everywhere or like the back

the brace.

The braces everywhere.

What are those pants called?

What do you mean?

You mean mean

wear like a lifting belt everywhere?

Yeah, yeah.

You mean laborers that have to wear it?

Yes.

I love that look.

Oh, yeah.

All the fat contractors, my

Home Depot.

Yeah, exactly.

All the factory guys.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a good look.

It keeps the fat stomach up, and you know, it's like a bra for your fat shit.

Yeah.

I saw Dunkirk, though, and that was sick.

I'm trying to see it.

It was really good.

And

I don't like Christopher Nolan movies, but it was like.

my always my objection is like when when i saw interstellar was like he was trying to like

like display love but he doesn't understand love because i think he's autistic and like the only love he understands is like i think machines no i think it's like sibling love but like it's it's or is he married I think he's, I just don't think it's just like at the end of Interstellar, like, when

the daughter is like an old lady and then her dad comes back to visit her and they see each other for like 20 seconds She's been like waiting her whole life to see fucking Matthew McConaughey again

And he's been like traveling through time to see her and they're like oh, what's up?

And then she like died, you know, like it's like not that big a deal.

It's like he doesn't understand, I think, being a human.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But inner, but Dunkirk was sick because it was minimal.

It was minimal.

And it was just really sick, like, like

dog fights in the air.

It was like, and he's technically a great director.

And he works with a great director of photography.

And, like, he's like, it was, I thought it was pretty dope, dude.

I really enjoyed it.

Tom Hardy was sick.

Ooh, what did you play?

The, like, fighter pilot.

The dope fighter pilot.

Yeah, yeah.

I fuck with Tom Hardy, dude.

Yeah, I like Tom Hardy a lot.

I want to be.

Who played Bane?

You know, he was Bane.

What?

Yeah.

Nick, how are you doing, man?

I feel like.

I'm right.

I didn't see Dunkirk.

Oh.

Oh, sorry, dude.

It's alright.

I just didn't see it.

Well, you would have liked it.

Good report on the movie.

You can't see movies anymore because you have to see them on your TV to justify all the money you spent.

Yeah, I mean, you can't go to the theater.

Remember, I said, Let's go see Dunkirk, and you're like, wait till it comes out on Blu-ray?

Yeah, I mean, seriously, why not?

Because it'll be fun.

You don't have to worry about getting bed bugs and some bullshit in the New York theater where it costs $17

and then, you know, everything's it.

I went to the bottom of the city.

Everything's a fucking draft house now, which was cool in Austin when it wasn't super expensive.

And now it's $15 for admission to the draft house.

Oh, it was $20 to see young criteria.

I mean, Jesus.

The amount of fucking money they have to spend on a movie now is like, I'm just not doing it.

I mean, let the theaters die.

I don't give a shit.

Yeah.

That's why they have to do the, it has to be draft house because, like, the concession stand is a fucking joke.

Yeah, no one's $8 popcorn, which you think is like, oh, this is just them ripping you off.

It's the only way the theater can make any fucking money.

Right, right, right.

Because the studios keep all the money from the ticket sales.

The studios made it clear four years ago they were like, we need to get it to $20 a person a ticket.

Jesus fucking God.

When I was 15, it was $8 for an adult ticket.

Yep.

It was $5 for a matinee.

Yeah, $6.

Dude, when I was 21

or 21, I went to a theater in Detroit, and it was 75 cents for a fucking matinee.

What the fuck?

Yeah, that's like those are like dollar theaters, though, right?

Yeah, they were dollars.

It wasn't for like money.

I love a nice dollar theater.

Dollar theaters are dope.

It smells bad in there.

Yeah, I love it.

Popcorn's like $4.

Yeah, yeah.

Ben O'Brien went to see Twilight at the Dollar Theater, and it was like in fucking Beltway Movie 6.

Shouts out to Beltway Movie 6.

And it's just like all white trash, girls in blankets.

That they're wearing

like

what was the guy's name?

The main character?

Yeah, it was like they were wearing snuggies with his face on it.

That's how you got to go see one of those movies.

I remember my mom took me to see Birdcage in a dollar movie theater.

That's such a good movie.

Just because Nathan Lane.

I don't think she knew how gay it was.

Really?

That movie is so fucking gay.

And Stuart Little in that same in Beltway Movie Six.

Stuart Little?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean.

It was named after his last name is actually because of your penis.

Dude, I got fucking yelled at at the Alamo, though, when I was seeing Dunkirk because

Ari and I selected seats in the front.

We thought they were in the back.

Oh, I hate that.

And then we moved back to an empty seat once the trailer started.

Not like once the you know the movie was starting.

And then they made me go down to the front desk and like switch our code on our tickets because it's all like reserved seating.

That's fucking.

I like almost missed the beginning of the movie.

It's like it's fucking stupid.

Whatever.

This is boring.

Do you have any other complaints?

Have you any other bad complaints?

I went to see,

I think, Captain America 2 or Iron Man 2 or something.

I went with Norman for his birthday a couple years ago.

And it was in Texas.

And it was at some, like, because the Alamo draft house didn't have a sign seating at the time, I don't think.

So, this is the first place we went with a sign seating, and they had leather recliners.

Hell yeah.

And then also, like, they bring food to you, which is so fucking excessive.

You shouldn't eat while reclined.

Yeah, you're just eating on your chest.

You're eating on your fucking chest.

I disagree.

It's disgusting.

It's a dislike.

The whole process is gross.

It's a whole point of And

we went to this fucking

some other kind of draft house.

And it's a signed seating.

And we get there.

And there's a family with an autistic boy next to us.

This 12-year-old autistic boy that has to quietly explain to himself everything that's happening in the room.

So, you know, he's like, that's the bad guy.

Now the bad guy's going to come back.

Now they're going to go over there.

Now he's upset.

He's upset.

Now the girl's upset too.

Now they're doing better.

You know, the entire fucking movie.

And at one point, some guy, like five rows in front of.

Oh, yeah.

And then the mom and the sister he's with, the mom just leans over and goes, David, let us know when you're done.

And they just leave him there.

Halfway through the movie, they fucking walk out.

Jesus Christ.

They leave their, you know,

sweet, slow boy.

You got to get, I mean, it's got to, you kind of see where they're coming from.

They get 40 minutes without everything narrated.

Yeah, I guess.

So they leave.

My mom's leaving.

Yeah.

Some guy four rows in front of him fucking sneezes and he goes, bless you.

Like just halfway across the movie theater.

God bless you.

I mean, that movie fucking sucked anyways.

Which one was it?

I don't know.

It was like either Iron 2 or Captain.

One of those awful fucking...

The one where Mickey Rourke is the fucking villain?

I guess, dude.

Those movies fucking suck.

I'm never going to go see another superhero movie.

They're all the fucking same.

It's all painted by numbers.

Although, dude, the one where Thor fights Hulk that's about to come out, that looks pretty cool.

No, it's going to be stupid.

I haven't seen anything about it, but just like the premise alone.

Yeah, two super strong people punching each other across the city over and over again.

That sounds incredibly fucking stupid.

It's actually an alien fighting ring.

So you sound pretty fucking stupid right now.

Yeah, and it's a god versus a guy that.

Gamma radiation.

Yeah, that has gamma radiation.

And they got a little hat on the Hulk.

Nobody.

He gets a hat?

He gets a little hat.

What kind of hat?

It's cute, dude.

It's like a baseball cap?

Or a crown?

Oh, that's cute.

Those movies suck.

They're all fucking terrible movies.

The Avengers.

And that's the thing, is like Logan came out, and everyone was raving about Logan ruled.

They were like, oh, Logan's amazing.

Logan's just not a piece of shit.

And it kind of falls apart halfway through.

It's like, you know, you can watch Hugh Jackman work his way through a fucking Diana ball hangover and regret his dark past for the first 45 minutes.

And it's like, yeah, okay, the girl's a Wolverine.

You know, there's no surprise there.

You know, she's just going to be a girl Wolverine.

So what?

They don't really ever have any kind of relationship.

Really?

They sort of do.

No, they don't.

They don't do each other.

That's the closest thing.

Yeah, but

there's no relationship that really builds between the two of them.

It's like, you got to help me.

I won't do it.

Okay, I will.

Which is the plot of every fucking movie.

In any movie, nobody ever says sure when somebody asks them something of them.

They say no at first,

they come back around.

Yeah.

And it's, it's just, it's not like, you know what?

I mean, because I'm nitpicking, but like, Logan was just fucking okay.

Nothing.

And those movies are so, all those fucking movies suck so much now that all it takes is one okay movie, and people are like, this is a fucking masterpiece.

Yeah, dude, but come on.

I would rather just watch Hugh Jackman do fucking steroids and lift weights.

You know what?

Just make that movie.

Make that fucking movie.

Let's find out what Wolverine's real healing power is: being able to recover in 24 hours from 700-pound deadlifts because he's got so much HGH in his fucking forearm.

Dude, come on.

Actually, you know, when we talked about the last time you cried, it might have legitimately logged.

He finds love at the end, finally.

He dies.

You know, the kids are such good kids.

They're so cute.

They're cute.

That little black kid?

They're so cute.

He like chalks people, that little fat black guy.

Yeah, oh, the fat kids.

Oh, my God, dude.

He was so fucking cute.

And then the little fucking Mexican

Wolverine girl, she was great.

Oh, she was cute, too.

And he finds family, dude.

Why are you sad?

I thought it was cool that

affect you

was having like those

brain was fucked up.

Brain fuck-ups, and then everything would go like,

Yeah, and it's slow, and he's fighting.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

And they're slicing people up, you know.

That's my rebuttal to all your well-thought-out pull of stuff.

Also, I saw the

Avengers movie.

What didn't make sense to me about that was they had wildly different skills.

Like, one guy was a god.

Yeah.

One guy's an Iron Man, like, mech.

Yeah, yeah.

The other one is bow and arrow.

Yeah, of course.

That's like, what the fuck?

Jeremy Renner is just good at

arrows.

Like, that's nowhere near it.

Yeah.

Why does he get to be in the crew?

Yeah.

Scarlett Johanst is just like a spy, but no spy.

Yeah, she's like,

they would both get their shit split immediately.

Yeah.

Her, the regular guys.

Captain America's tight.

You know, he's a good old American boy.

Yeah, he's a puncher and he has a shield.

He's just hard.

He's a puncher.

And his shield is mad.

It's like hard as shit, dude.

Captain America doesn't have any weapons besides a shield, right?

Yeah, but he punches.

Which is hard.

That's like America.

Like, we're like, we don't, we don't, you know.

Yep.

We're just never been the aggressor.

We've never been the aggressor anywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

We've never just preemptively defend ourselves in like

Syria,

Iraq.

What I like about Captain America is that it's like not the highest rank in the military.

It's sort of just in the middle.

Yeah.

He's not a lieutenant or a general.

Lieutenant is lower than Captain America.

Oh, I don't know.

Fucking idiot.

So be quiet and let me do the bit rather than trying to take it away from me.

Hey, here's the premise.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

It's Adam's turn to do the joke.

Do your joke.

No, go for it.

Yeah, he's not a lieutenant.

You're right.

All right, so the thing about Captain America is that

that was a good bit.

That's really

the best one.

I'm going to be the

Greek chorus, and I'm going to take the part of the listener.

And I'm mad you ruined that bit.

I feel bad.

I do feel bad.

I'm excited.

Nick about to go on a little roll there.

Do your bit.

No, it's good.

It's over.

The fucking momentum's gone.

It was going to be good.

I'm sorry, dude.

I shouldn't have said lieutenant.

I know that you know all the jobs in the army, and I don't know.

Sergeant jobs.

Corporal.

Cook.

There you go.

Stav's got it.

None of those are the officer ranks, though.

Okay.

Sergeant.

So private is the lowest.

Private is the lowest.

Then.

It depends on whether you're talking about

the army.

What about lieutenant?

That's just how the British say lieutenant.

Well, that's the way it is.

They say it that way.

I say it the British way.

You fucking piece of shit.

I say it the British way.

Oh, damn.

Just like you said, lever, you fucking cock.

I'm still mad about that.

Lever, you piece of shit.

Sergeant,

Grand Wizard,

Dragon.

10th Prestige Grand Wizard.

Okay.

Grand Poobah.

Grand Poobah.

We got to bring the Poobahs back.

Was there ever a Poobah?

Of course.

There was a Grand Poobah.

From where?

Where was he from?

From Palestine.

He came up with the Holocaust.

Nice.

No, that's just real history.

Hitler

met with the Grand Poobah of Palestine, and he said, here's how they're like, we got some ideas.

We got to do the Holocaust to trick Jews into coming here so that we can kill all of them.

I don't know.

I think he was Grand Mufti.

No, it's the Grand Pubah.

No, it was Grand Mufti.

It's the Grand Pubah.

The Grand Muffy?

Mufti.

Mufti.

You think the Mufti Muff dived?

Huh?

Yeah, he probably not.

A Mufti doesn't eat pussy.

Yeah.

Probably fucks young boys.

What are other jobs in the army, though?

It's captain, and then the biggest one is a five-star general, right?

Yeah.

It goes captain, major, and then

general.

Major's good.

That's good.

So captain's third from top.

Major, American general.

Captain, major, colonel.

Captain, major, lieutenant, colonel, colonel, general is at the top.

Nice.

Lieutenant.

One-star general, two-star generals.

How do you get more stars once you're at the general?

Well, you just move up.

And then they have like the subdivisions in that.

So it's like you have brigadier general.

I think that's a brigadier's a colonel.

That's like a one-star general, I think.

Damn.

And then...

I'd want to stop at brigadier, dude.

Yeah, brigadier general, then like lieutenant general, then General, and then General of the Army.

And I think General of the Army is four stars.

And then there's five-star generals.

Is that in the Joint Chiefs?

There's five-star generals, which are only George Washington and Pershing, I think.

And that's that, their title is General of the Armies of the United States.

Hell yeah, dude.

I think.

Wait, so like Patton was never up there.

Patton was a four-star general.

He was four.

Yeah, they don't.

During the World War II era, there was a shit ton of four-star generals.

Yeah.

And so they went back and created, I think, the five-star general rank for Washington, and then I think Pershing.

Who's Pershing?

Pershing was a general around the turn of the century in World War I.

I think he was the head of the Allied forces, land forces, and like World War I and the European.

How hard was World War I?

You just dig a trench, you shoot fucking krauts until they're dead.

You can get disease, though.

Get trench foot.

Yeah, but you could also get disease.

Andre the Giant too big to fight in World War I.

One.

The British, they have marshals.

They have field marshals.

That's cool.

Yeah.

I love their stores.

Great deals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm the four-star Ross.

Ross dressed for it less.

I'm a TJ Maxx.

General Max.

TJ Maxx is like the robot soldier from the future.

Got a fucking laser eye.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

All right.

What about in the Navy?

Patrols, the bed, the bath, and the beyond.

The Navy's got funny ones.

It's like, this is almost as good as the alphabet, actually.

Yeah, no, it's worse.

Trying to remember military ranks.

Dude, I had fucking military nerds hit me up with the alphabet one.

They're like, pissing me off.

You don't remember the fucking, you know,

you don't remember from secret Green Beret training, dude?

No, they failed alphabet.

It didn't fail alphabet.

They specifically trained you to forget all that shit.

So when you're captured, you have plausible.

Like Like Jason Bourne.

Yeah.

Smart.

First of all, look, I work for the CIA Special Activities Division, so I'm not even technically militarian.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

Where are they sending you next, dude?

You got to fucking destabilize a company.

This podcast to create and inspire the alt-right to subvert, you know, the black Muslim president that this state actually hates.

Oh, yeah.

Not Trump, who's a distraction.

Interesting.

From the real president, who's black and Muslim.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

There's a secret president.

Of course, Obama is still the secret president.

I didn't know that.

He expanded all this executive power, and then we let some moron get in that you'll get more mad about than Obama.

Well, Obama passed a law last year in plain sight of everyone that says he's president forever.

I didn't know it was signed with Christian children's blood.

Oh,

fuck.

This is all real.

I didn't know that.

The most

binding ink there is.

Christian Children's Blood.

Yeah, the globalists all like made him.

They sat him down.

They were like, we need you to be president faux life.

Smart.

Yeah.

Smart.

And so

he hired you or the CIA hired you to start.

I don't work for anybody.

Oh, fuck.

Just one last job.

Mullen, we need one last job.

If you're doing one last job, CIA calls you.

They say, we need you to do one last job.

Right.

First thing you got to do, assemble the team, right?

So who are your boys?

We're the team.

We're the team.

There's no team.

No, no, no.

This is some bullshit.

You got to go around the movies, dude.

I'm going to talk to him about the reality of being a tier one operator.

You have to understand that, like, once you get to an elite enough level, you know, it's not about the guy next to you because you can't trust anybody.

Oh, because they might be double agents.

You have to be a superior operator, which means I'm well-trained in every type of combat.

Snitching, which is something that you're doing.

You're trained in snitching?

Yeah.

You have to snitch.

Yeah, a lot of people, you have to understand that being honorable, it's like in ancient Japan, you know,

once the samurai were outlawed, they became Ronin Ronin and they had nowhere to go.

And there's a couple of odd jobs here and there, but most of them were murdered by villagers because they had this code.

But the ones that decided to become shinobi and embrace the dishonorable dark art of ninjutsu,

those are the ones who survived.

Some of them even becoming turtles.

Oh, shit.

And you know

Mike Shinoda, Shinode, from the DJ from Lincoln Planck.

He's shinobi.

He's actually Shinobi.

I didn't know that.

This is a lot.

We're learning a lot, guys.

Yeah.

Anyway, so wait.

So you're saying that you don't have a team.

You never said

we're the team.

Of course.

You never go to some guy's workshop and he's welding and you're like, stop her right there.

And then he lifts up the welding mask and he looks at you and he's like, come on.

I know how to weld.

Why would I go to that guy?

Because he's in your team.

I don't need a team.

I know how to weld.

Nick found me.

I was getting my dick sucked on a hammock, drinking a drink with a little umbrella on it.

Yeah, you don't have to go see like a bad thing.

No,

Stav's only there to weigh down the subway.

And he was like, Vacation's over.

We need the submarine to sink.

Everyone's got their part.

I'm a team player.

I got nothing wrong.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Well, I mean, I think.

15 degrees down bubble.

Stav, get that sandwich in your mouth.

I am.

Lieutenant Stav, get that sandwich in your mouth.

18 degrees down bubble.

I will say that I am.

I just fart.

It's like a hot air balloon in reverse.

I I shit a little bit into the ocean every time.

What are the IDF ranks?

So number one is Tattletale.

Yes.

Rank two is Liar.

Well, it's Elite Tattletale.

Yeah.

There's Tattletale.

Tattletale First Class.

Baby Sniper.

Right.

Lieutenant Child Killer.

Yeah.

It just goes by different flavors.

You don't know what happened.

There's Lieutenant Pine Nut.

Yeah, there's a fucking

Brigadier Deal Finder.

There's like a Penny Saver.

There is a

lawyer.

Orthodontist.

They're more than senior America.

Orthodontist is the four-star general deal.

Producers Guild

rep.

And then

the highest rank in the IDF, somebody's nephew.

Don't forget Jap, which Adam is, a Jewish American pussy.

Callback.

Call back to that first joke.

Callback.

I have a hard dick.

I will say that,

you know, since you work alone, right?

Yeah.

He does.

I'm on the team.

Since you're a tier one operator.

Established that.

No, he's not.

I'm the weight submarine guy.

And also the pussy eater.

And fucker.

There is no team, dude.

There's a team.

Task Force Brock.

By the end of this movie, you'll learn the.

You're going to be Logan at the end, dude.

Teams are a lot more.

You're going to give your life for me.

You have to assume that no matter what, you're going to get captured on that.

That's why you'll never have a kid.

I've been captured on every mission I've ever done.

They kind of planned for that.

Okay.

And then the way that they completed one?

Well, in the 1980s, they realized the best method of exfiltration or whatever is to just make your super soldiers so incompetent that

the enemy intelligence eventually has to admit that they're not actually intelligence operatives.

That's starting to change because Otto Warnbier, who we sent over to Spy on North Korea, stealed that

choking hazard poster from the public bathroom because we wanted to know what their version of the Heimlich maneuver was.

They put him in a labor camp and he went into a coma and eventually died of botulism here.

But we got him back.

And that means that they never really picked up on the fact that he was a good person.

Well, we got a corpse back.

Well, we got back a man in a vegetative state, which is, in the eyes of the U.S.

Army,

mission.

Mission accomplished.

He had a lot of

posters rolled up into his asshole.

That's what you don't know.

So we got his body back.

And there was the choking hazard.

There was a poster of Kim Jong-un dunking on Michael Jordan.

That was all the fucking dumb takes when that story happened.

People were like, you know,

that's that's what happens to a white boy.

That's what a white boy wants to go over there and mess with another culture.

It's like,

stop appropriating their culture.

You are a retard.

You are a fucking idiot.

Well, he was from UVA, right?

No, he's from

lives in Ohio, I think.

I think he was from UVA.

But yeah, everyone was like, yeah, he's some sort of frat douchebag.

They got a cracker-ass mayo-ass white boy.

Yeah.

I mean, why would you steal a fucking thing from me?

Why would you?

You should go to North Korea.

Exactly.

Just don't get to it.

Just go to North Korea.

Go to South Korea.

It's tight, dude.

They got fucking great Korean barbecue.

Great internet.

They got the fastest internet.

Very fast internet.

You can become a fine millionaire down there in South Korea.

And they had.

They got some LG O L E D T V's.

Next purchase for Come Town.

Coming soon.

O L E D T V.

O L E D.

You got Kia Optimas?

They got a ton of shit ton of those.

Yundai's.

Daewoos.

When I was over there.

And Soju.

Soju tastes good.

Soju's dope.

You You know?

And they had something called Juicy Bars.

I went over there to when I was doing

Marine-based shows.

And they had Juicy Bars, which is just a bar where...

Were those guys asking about me?

They're sort of prostitutes.

Yeah, they recognize me from being on the team officially.

Nick works alone.

Well, he says that, but like I said, by the end of this mission, he will...

That's what I'm saying.

A lot of people just listen to the show and they haven't seen me in real life and they don't realize that one of my eyes is actually a sniper scope.

Yep, absolutely.

It comes out of my head.

I have it jammed in my face.

So you see, like, a crosshair every time you look at anything.

Yeah,

one eye is just a regular eye that sees everything in matrix code, and the other one is

a sniper scope.

That's tight.

And actually, his dick is a sniper.

Yeah.

And his balls are the trigger.

Yeah.

He clanks them together.

I also have like a cool scar that goes down my face.

Like over your eye.

Over my eye.

Well, I look like

in platoon.

The scars on.

Which one?

That guy.

Not Willem.

Tom Behringer.

Tom Beringer.

Yeah.

I don't remember what he looked like.

They modeled that guy after me.

Tom Beringer?

Yes.

What was your first war that you were

in?

Was it?

The Spanish-American war?

I mean, that's all classified.

That's all classified.

Yeah, I know that as a member of the team, but I'm not going to say it either.

And when I say it's classified, I don't mean my participation in one of the wars you've listed.

I mean there are secret wars that are going on that people don't know about.

Oh, yeah.

We've been.

Remember the Dutch war we were in?

Oh, oops.

Yeah.

Whoopsie.

I've actually killed more Basque children than cuckoo clock accidents, which seems like an arbitrary.

That's the number one thing.

Absolutely.

Cuckoo clock accident.

Well, most cuckoo clocks there are just a knife.

I think it's a separate from Switzerland.

You know how we think about it.

So the Basque, the Swiss Basque.

The Swiss Basque.

That's who fucking.

those?

Separatists.

I tell you, they love those damn cuckoo clocks.

Dude, dude.

That's my impression of a cuckoo clock.

Okay, so

I'll just say this.

If you ever

get recruited, a couple years ago, I had to go to Russia because

there was this old Soviet...

Yeah, I was there.

There was this old Soviet

general?

Yeah, actually, well, an ex-Soviet general that was in the Russian military, and he stole this satellite that basically fires a giant electromagnetic laser.

Whoa.

He was going to fire it at London.

So

I had to go meet up with one of the women that worked at the satellite installation.

Is that like an EMP, like where it shuts off

all the electronics?

And

I had to go...

Muscular pussy.

Yeah, I had to meet up with this woman that worked at the satellite space station where they controlled it.

What did she look like?

She was hot.

I had to have sex with her.

We had sex.

Yeah, I I had sex with her.

She got kidnapped by.

You had sex with her also?

Yeah, lately.

It turns out that

general was actually working for an ex-British intelligence guy who had

turned.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so he's a bad guy now.

He became a bad guy, yeah.

But me and him had worked together years earlier when we blew up a chemical weapons facility.

When he was a good guy.

Well, we thought he was a good guy.

I guess he was always a double agent because

that Russian general recruited him at that time.

But he held a grudge against me because I changed the timers on the bombs at the chemical plant from six minutes to three minutes.

Hilarious.

Classic Mull Dog.

Well, I thought he was dead.

So, you know, I was trying to save my ass.

So I was having sex with this Russian woman, woman, and then we drove around in my BMW for a while.

Nice.

That was a big part of it.

Yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, and then I fucked the BMW dealer's wife, too.

There was another hot woman, even hotter than the first woman, actually.

What, did the first lady turn out to be a bad guy?

No, no, no.

I thought the first lady on a mission obviously ends up being a bad guy.

You haven't seen it.

Yeah, that's all movies, man.

Yeah, as real tier one operators.

Sorry, sorry.

Continue.

Continue.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to cut you off.

Yeah, then, you know, there was another hot lady who I had sex with off-camera.

What do you mean off-camera?

I mean, in a different part.

When you meet off-camera.

I mean, in

a different part of the story.

Yeah, yeah.

This story that happened.

Well, I was videotaping everything.

Right.

Wait, so you were trying to pitch this off.

We were trying to to pitch this on to True TV.

So you guys have this whole thing.

If he was there, I wasn't aware of it.

I don't know.

Yeah.

See, that's what I was doing.

I was too busy having sex and putting on my fucking toxic.

Yeah, that is true.

Stav is a master of disguise.

Yeah, yeah.

You put on like a burqa, you look like a mermaid lady or naked.

You know that first lady?

That first super hot lady?

Yeah, they're just a panda in Russia everywhere.

Remember that panda you kept seeing in Moscow?

Wow, with the panda.

holding the whole time.

At this point, we're in camp.

We're in Cuba.

At this point, we're in Cuba.

And then

I have sex with that girl one more time.

Nick, by the way.

The second girl or the first girl?

Well, we go to the first girl.

I didn't have sex with the second girl.

I kill her in a fight where she has a grenade launcher and

a machine gun of some sort.

And then she gets the helicopter she's attached to strangles her in the tree.

Yeah, and

what was the line that you said after she died?

Oh, uh,

a good, I always enjoyed a good squeeze.

A good squeeze.

That's what I said, yeah.

Golden Eye.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, continue.

No, it's not from the movie Golden Eye.

That really happened.

Yeah, that.

I mean, it happened, yeah.

Anyhow, so we go into the base and we turn off the golden eye.

We use

computer code.

You're in Cuba this time.

We're in Cuba.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you driving an Aston Martin in this one?

I keep forgetting what the car is.

Did you do any gambling?

That's right.

You already said BMW.

What's that?

Did you do any gambling or anything?

That was a different mo um

installment.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Never mind.

Anyhow, I killed the guy.

I killed the guy who was the trader.

And, you know, I threw him, his back breaks.

Was it the British guy or the Russian job?

And then I met up with my obese friend from Texas who works for the CIA.

It wasn't me.

Yeah.

Different guy.

No.

In fact, I think that was Stobb, actually.

No, it was a different guy.

I was the panda.

As portrayed by fucking, what's that guy?

Is Billy Wayne Davis?

No, that's a comic.

No, Billy.

The guy from Varsity Blues.

No, they got that guy.

Yeah.

What the fuck is his name?

Joe Bob.

Joe Don Baker.

Joe Don Baker is who plays Stop.

Joe Bob.

No, that wasn't me.

I remember I did a mission.

That was this guy.

He was just breaking down.

I remember I did a mission where

I played cards and then they whipped my balls with something at one point.

And then I fucked two women.

Which is your balls?

I don't really remember exactly.

I think, yeah.

I think they took like a seat, they cut the seat out.

Here he is.

Here's

my balls.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's not me.

Joe Don Baker.

I know that.

Yeah.

He's like.

He always calls.

He calls James Bond Jimmy.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'll tell you, Jimmy,

if you want to fuck that girl, what I would do, he's always giving him fucking advice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that wasn't me.

I was someone else.

I was also James Bond.

So you killed the biggest dude.

I I was a different James Bond with a bigger dick.

The movie's over, dude.

That's the end of the movie.

What do you mean, movie?

I mean,

that's what we call our mission.

That's what I call the story.

Every mission is called a movie.

Part of my training is I sort of live my life vicariously through my own life.

I have to delude myself into thinking that I'm confusing my own life with movies that I've seen.

That way, that's the only way I could accept the danger inherent to the missions I've gone on.

And all the murder, all the killing you've done.

It would keep you up at night.

Otherwise, really, how could you dream?

Because you have so much trauma.

And as it stands, I sleep probably 17 hours a day.

You do.

We woke you up to just do this podcast.

You're going right back to sleep.

Right, yeah.

I'd be asleep.

I just get high and I go back to sleep.

When I'm not on missions, of course.

He sleeps in one of those astronaut sleeping bags on the wall.

I want to sleep in a fucking chamber, like a hyperbaric chamber, like Michael.

I've decided when I die, no cremation, no, no, I don't want to be buried.

I want a fucking

tomb.

No, like a building.

I'm going to bury Adam alive.

I want all of my...

Yeah,

we put Adam in a cat costume.

That's not fair.

He's going to be sealed in the room with me.

You can interrupt his bits for eternity.

He's so boring.

With all my precious jewels and rubies.

I want all of my slaves sealed in my tomb with me.

We're going to pre-record Nick about to tell a story and then you saying some dumbass interjection, and him yelling at you.

I want to be thrown in the ocean, just like my hero, Osama bin Laden.

How do I want to fucking be buried?

That's not actually what we did, by the way.

What happened?

We fucked his corpse till it disappeared.

What do you mean?

What did we do with the corpse of Osama bin Laden?

He got away.

Yeah.

He got away.

He got away on the boat.

First of all, I was on that boat.

Where he's back at Tora Bora?

I was on the boat.

They said I was about to go kill Osama bin Laden myself, and they were like, look, this one looks pretty open open and shut.

Why don't we let the fucking, why don't we let the kids handle this one?

And they sent in SEAL Team Six,

who are honestly like the most unprofessional.

Pathetic.

They're literally pathetic.

Pathetic.

They're a joke.

In my experience, as a professional mercenary.

Well, they got the name SEAL.

They're like circus.

Because all they listen to is kiss from a rose.

Yeah.

SEAL was the first member of the team.

SEAL stands for sucking and eating ass lesbian.

The way a lesbian would.

I gotta say, lesbians probably eat ass good.

No, they don't, dude.

They're too focused on the pussy.

Yeah, but I feel like they're eating a lot.

The ass has no appeal to them.

It's a hole.

I don't think they can't.

They don't appreciate penetration, so the ass is literally meaningless to them.

I think they appreciate penetration.

The pussy is something they sort of associate with pleasure, I guess, but the asshole is meaningless to them.

No.

Yeah, there's no more lesbian cumboys.

Pound off in the comments.

Is it true that lesbians' bodies turn into ash pillars if their skin touches sunlight?

Yeah.

Yep, absolutely.

All right, I wasn't sure.

That's actually how I defeated one of my enemies.

It was a lesbian enemy?

Yeah.

Well, it's Hillary Clinton.

And they can't see their reflections in mirrors.

That's right, and garlic's in the middle of the middle.

And then once a month, when their lover is going through menstruation,

then they feast snack time.

They feast on the pussy.

They just put a straw in their pussy and suck.

A big twirly straw.

Yeah.

Isn't that fun?

Yep.

These are all facts about lesbians that we all know.

I remember real true facts.

Well, yeah, I mean, that's the nice thing about public school sex ed.

You learn stuff about this.

And Trump is trying to get that out of the fucking curriculum.

He wants to get that out.

And frankly,

I will not stand for it.

I want my son

to know that.

He's educated about sex.

Stav's never professional gym teacher.

His balls are overheated from his thigh to his fat thighs.

I have beautiful.

He's completely sterile.

No.

No, Stav's got that.

Stav comes air.

I got a bit of stale air, like somebody punctured a tennis ball.

That's what comes out of there.

I have a nice, juicy load.

Thank you very much.

It's healthy.

You know?

I doubt it.

It's pretty good.

That's not what I read in your dossier.

I've got a taste of pussy.

Did you wait?

You broke into my dossier?

I didn't break into it.

It's a manila folder.

Fuck, you're right.

I just

pretty not secure.

Not only does it have your name, it has your picture on the front.

So, in case I, well, whose dossier is this?

Whose classified dossier?

Oh, it has his name and his picture.

My dossier is sealed because

you would think it would be a computer file.

Yeah.

Some sort of encrypted computer file.

It's just in a file.

Oh, yeah.

It's just in a filing cabinet.

It's like the way you would store an old expense report.

And it just, it's a, it's a piece of paper, and I just a black and white picture of you

wearing a turtleneck, as all dossiers have.

Oh,

that's true.

Hot secrets.

You got a black turtleneck.

Hot secret.

And I'm looking away.

I'm looking slightly off camera.

It's from above.

Yeah.

You could be fat Steve Jobs for Halloween this year.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

Ooh, we should do

fat Trayvon.

Oh, it's a good thing.

What a great Halloween costume.

You know what I mean?

So funny is like a fat guy getting in trouble for doing like a blackface Halloween costume and then all these like woke media outlets are like, wow, this guy thought it'd be funny to do fat Trayvon.

And then the guy's like, I was just doing Trayvon.

Yeah.

And then the BuzzFeed guy gets fired also for fat shaming.

Oh, that's good.

That's two birds at once.

Yeah.

And I think that fat guy would teach everyone an important lesson.

Just like Staff teaches me important lessons all day long.

Suck this dick till I I come.

That's your number one lesson.

And right now you're failing.

What's going to be our team Halloween costume, guys?

I think TLC.

Let's celebrate Halloween.

Let's be TLC.

I know I don't celebrate Halloween.

I call left-eyed.

As a sober person, I don't celebrate holidays anymore.

Dude, we'll all dress in costumes.

The real religion is booze.

You know?

Yeah, that's, you know,

all these people don't care about Cinco de Mayo.

They just want to get drunk.

Listen, we'll just do a fucking bunch of shit.

Nobody gives a shit about Hanukkah.

No one cares about Hanukkah.

That's just an excuse to, you know, light a little candle up.

No, fuck Hanukkah.

Perpetuate anti-Greeks.

I can't wait to get back, get revenge on the Jews for what they did to my people during the well.

It's been about 3,000 years, and you guys still haven't had a comeback.

We're going to

that ass.

We're still waiting.

We're going to have to.

I thought Hanukkah was when the Pharaoh said you're not allowed to have those candles.

You're not allowed to have lamps anymore.

Antiochus, the Greek governor,

had pillaged the the temple in Jerusalem.

Nobody cares.

Put all his

Greek idols of

the answer.

Young boys peeing

in

grown up.

I will tell you what it actually is.

You know, all the Greek idols that you guys worship.

My name is Joshua Tidbit.

That's another rank in the IDF.

Is Tidbit knower?

Yeah, that's intelligence.

This is just Tidbits.

Actually,

Yeah, fuck, yeah, fuck juice for Hanukkah, dude.

And you just rub it in our face by giving each other socks and other dumbass presents.

What's the best Hanukkah present you've ever gotten?

My parents never did Hanukkah.

What?

We'd like light candles and then they'd write me a check.

So you did Hanukkah.

You just got money.

Just shitty Hanukkahu.

Fucking American kids got the fucking candy.

Yeah, you just had a shitty Hanukkah.

He didn't do Hanukkah.

No, you just lit the candles and then they gave me money.

That's not true.

American kids got eight presents.

Yeah, you know,

it was kind of a rough.

We didn't really do Christmas growing up.

We just sort of had the tree and then I would get $500 for my presents.

We ate a big ham dinner.

My parents never gave me $500.

They gave me like $25.

And American kids, all my friends, would get fucking eight presents over eight days.

And I would just get a fucking cold check.

Oh, this is funny.

You say American kids.

Trying to give yourself a different, cool, ethnic identity.

You're American, bitch.

My parents aren't American.

You're American, bitch.

Yeah, all you have to do to be American is be fucking born here.

I'm American, but I'm saying people with American people.

That's what being an American is.

Our family

is Jewish.

You try to weasel your way out of it.

That's the thing you can't do.

Basically, if you have a family, if you are American, there's no American aristocracy, so if you hate rich people and you suddenly start making money, guess what?

That's you, motherfucker.

You can't dial it back and say, oh, I do say American.

You're pointing a knife at me.

Yeah, you do have a knife at me.

You're making a point.

That is true.

That was pretty menacing.

You know what?

I saw a Spanish guy doing it on the bus,

and it's fucking

great.

Yeah.

The way you get away with it is you hold a piece of fruit in the other hand.

That's true.

And then nobody then

peeled.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me tell you something, puppy.

Just plant doing butterfly knife tricks.

You're a rich American.

You're American, but I'm not.

I'm not rich.

You're rich now.

Yeah, motherfucker.

We're all rich, and we're all pieces of shit.

It's true.

We're We're bad people.

We are bad people.

I never said we're not.

Yeah.

We're not rich yet, though.

Maybe that's the attitude.

That's the fucking attitude that makes it a problem.

What?

Well, I'm not rich.

I have money now, but I'm not rich.

Well, we're.

I mean, by the standards of

what constitutes wealth, no, we're not rich.

Yeah, you are.

I mean, the base rate.

But Nick, you're rich this year.

Oh, I'm rich.

Yeah, I'm rich.

You're doing great.

But you're making a base salary off the show of like $60,000 a year.

Probably less than that, yeah.

No, it's that much.

It's like $50,000 a year.

I mean,

it's great.

I'm not complaining about it.

Skip, boss, man.

But, yeah, no, I mean, it's not.

That doesn't put me in the 1%.

No, for personal incomes, first of all, you have other money coming in.

You had another job.

So for a single person making more, I mean, the average

average, not household income, but personal income is somewhere around $30,000.

So you are a rich person.

I'm still negative $60,000.

In terms of wealth.

In terms of wealth.

So I could do beer bongs with kids from Long Island for three years in college.

I took a million dollars.

Yeah, well, I've been making thousands.

I've got a little bit of debt.

I'm rich because I've been making thousands off my personal club appearances.

I'll just show up at the club, you know, like I'm Cardi B.

That's a good, that's a good thing.

People have no idea how much money I've made in cryptocurrency.

Oh, yeah.

You're making a millionaire.

You just follow the numbers on your cell phone.

No,

I've have investments in crypto.

No, yeah, dude.

He's rich.

Dude, I've made like, well, I mean, I don't want to say it on the podcast, but something like $40 million.

Yeah, we'll edit this out later.

It's on paper.

You know, I mean,

it's in the calculus.

But after taxes, that's what, like 38?

Who cares?

You know?

It's actually like 20.

No, I know.

I know.

The government takes way more than that, dude.

It's a fucked up system.

I know, dude.

Taxation is theft now that I have money.

Yeah.

It's like I'm happy to pay taxes to live in a good society.

Did you make an S, have you been making estimated correlate denis?

Okay.

All right.

But it's, it's, yeah.

Actually, fuck, did I this?

You didn't.

The 16th of July was your last deadline.

Fuck.

You fucking piece of shit.

I did.

I planned to.

I did.

Fuck.

I got to.

I'm fucking on my shit.

I pay my taxes.

I got to.

I don't try to cheat anybody out of them either.

You sort of.

You write off pencils.

Yeah, those are fucking office supports.

I need to get get you to help me write shit off this year, dude.

You probably shouldn't.

I'm going to get fucking audited.

Yeah, because you're writing.

I write off crazy shit.

I write off everything.

But I mean, the thing is, is writing stuff off is different than like, that's the kind of cheating on your taxes I don't think is a fucking problem.

Yeah, I guess.

The shit that rich people do is they'll like buy a piece of art for like 200 bucks and then donate it to, they'll get it appraised by some asshole for like $20,000.

Donate it to a place and then write off the $20,000 appraisal price.

So you make an invisible profit and then you write that.

There's all these shitty ways.

Yeah, they know so.

You turn yourself into a corporation, invest all your personal income in it, and then when the corporation grows, you take your money out as capital gains, which is taxed at like 10%.

Damn.

Yeah, there's all these ways you can just be a fucking piece of shit 1%

and keep money from the government.

It's really the people that are the fucking worst are people that have personal incomes of like six figures and up.

And somewhere in like, if you're making like $100,000 to $200,000 thousand a year,

like people that are, would be qualified as like mass affluent or whatever, they're the showiest, they're the most bitter because most of the time they like, you know, did work their way up to that point.

So they're like, fuck poor people.

I fucking worked and got to where I

and they're like not capable of seeing like a lot of that as just luck and circumstance.

Of course.

It doesn't, I mean, fucking privilege doesn't mean that your dad was rich.

Privilege means

you fucking knew a guy at the place you worked at.

You're the one person that got that promotion.

You really don't do as much as you think you fucking do.

Oh, absolutely.

But those people get fucking slammed on the marginal tax rate.

Meanwhile, the people that make like a million a year have wealth advisors that are like, oh, yeah, we'll figure it out.

So you only pay 10%

in taxes.

That's fucked, dude.

I say.

Simplify the motherfucking tax code.

I think the Nouveau Riches are disgusting.

But they're studded, diamond-studded watches.

I think the way to be a classy rich person is to make it from your grandfather's dad,

you know, for him to pass it down, and for you to be a professional philanthropist.

Well, which means, I mean, I make,

excluding my crypto profits, I make about $850 million a year.

Yeah.

And 90% of that comes from the federal government.

It's contract killing that I do for the federal government.

So, I mean, of course I'm going to pay my fair share of taxes because that money just comes back to me when I go

murder some Chinese guy that threatened a railroad company,

you know, for reparations.

You killed a Chinese guy just obstructing Amtrak.

That's the kind of shit, dude.

Well, you killed him with the train.

Look, who do you think the government's going to try and kill?

Some high-profile political figure?

No, it's the little guys that are just sort of annoying because nobody's going to suspect that it was a highly trained mercenary

that pushed that homeless mate on the track.

How do you correspond with the government?

Yeah, dude.

The government hates homeless people.

You don't think that's fucking obvious?

Yeah, they smell their golden.

They got me around to clean up the streets, take over,

get up the scraps that Father Winter couldn't take care of.

You know what I mean?

You know that.

Is that what Giuliani was up to?

Yeah.

Is that why New York is a homeless vagrant at Union Square begging for change?

Yes.

Makes on average $5,000 an hour.

Those are my favorite local news stories.

This man pretending to be disabled when he's only kind of disabled.

He's still living in the streets.

After pretending to be homeless, he leaves in his brand new Toyota Camry and drives all the way to his home 45 minutes away in a lower middle class suburb where he lives off food stamps and thinks about killing himself.

It's bad enough that this man tugs at your heartstrings for pocket change in 95-degree heat, but we can't let him get away with it.

So we're going to bully him into killing himself tonight at 5 o'clock on Eyewitness News.

Yeah.

And then a commercial for fucking Monsanto comes on.

We need more subsidies to create a new type of bumblebee that already has the cancer in the honey.

You don't have to wait until it gives you cancer.

You can just eat the cancer.

Woo!

USA.

USA.

Suck my dick.

Yeah,

yeah, I was reading about, there was, so in 2012, when the Chick-fil-A thing happened.

Yeah, the gay thing?

The gay thing, yeah.

Chick-fil-A said,

if you use a faggot, you ain't getting sandwiches.

That's a southern company.

Well, it was a cow on a billboard that wrote, I hate faggots, but the Gs were backwards.

Yeah, well, faggots is what cows call chickens.

Yeah.

These faggot chickens are.

These fucking queer chickens.

That's a beautiful metaphor.

Well, the CEO, the CEO fucking, you know, did the whole, you know, same said, I support the institution of marriage.

All these people were boycotting Chick-fil-A.

Of course, it backfired, you know, whatever.

That's neither here nor there.

There was this guy,

ironically, named Adam Smith, that made a video of him going going through a drive-through.

And he's the CFO of some fucking biotech firm.

And

he goes through this drive-through and he's like,

I'm going to give it to him.

I'm about to do it.

And then he's going, there's this stupid, dickless protest where people go into Chick-fil-A and asking for free water, and then they lose money on the cup.

So people would go to Chick-fil-A, and

the lady at the drive-thru, nice lady, you know, she goes, he's like, is this my free water?

She goes, Yes, it is.

And he goes, Okay, you know, I'm getting this for free today.

She's like,

No, you know, and he's like,

Because Chick-fil-A is an awful, evil company.

And she's like, Well, you know, I disagree.

I think it's an okay place to work, you know.

And he's like, How do you live with yourself?

You know, the woman who fucking works for the fast wage woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's obvious.

Obviously, this guy's in the fucking wrong, and he's a retard, and she handles it pretty well.

He drives off, posts a video on Facebook.

Within 24 hours, he's fired.

He's lost his job.

Like, completely backfires.

Good fuck him.

Well, good fuck him to a certain extent.

This was in 2002.

Conservatives hopped on it, and then people like you, like vindictive liberals, you know, who just want an opportunity to shame somebody

also jumped on it.

This man's life is ruined now.

He moved to Portland, got another job, immediately was fired.

I mean, why go to Portland, though?

You know you're going to get it.

What do you mean, why go to Portland?

He's like a guy that's like

protesting the homophobic statements.

He's not,

he's just some fucking pro-same-sex marriage liberal.

Portland's not the fucking problem.

You know, it's not, this is, this is a guy that's being hounded by conservatives, and then also just this online fucking mob that likes any opportunity they have to, oh, I can hurt someone and feel like a good person.

Oh, wow.

It's a way to fuck up somebody's life, but also feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Right, right, right.

Which is all that's happening in the case.

Nobody gives a shit about that fucking woman.

If they did, they wouldn't be continuing to fuck up this guy's life.

And so they did.

And then eventually he had to write a book because he's like living in a fucking RV.

About

shame coming up.

About being shamed.

And, you know, the guy's a moron, so he doesn't really take any personal responsibility in that situation.

And so I don't know if the book's bad or not, but all the reviews for it on Amazon are like one star.

I don't even read this shit.

I'm not giving this guy any money.

And it's like, what is the good though?

What is the fucking point anymore?

No, I don't know if the book is good or bad, Adam, but

they're leaving negative reviews because they want to continue to fucking like shame and harass this man for a two-minute video he made where he's kind of an asshole.

He's kind of an asshole.

He's also just trying to be.

I don't get what

those people are the same.

Don't fucking unplug the wires for my speaker.

Stop fucking touching those.

Get your fucking hands off those speaker terminals.

Are you for real?

I'm serious, dude.

Don't fucking touch those.

Don't do that.

Keep your fucking hands off.

Don't touch anything.

I wasn't even touching it.

You couldn't even.

I can see it moving.

How?

Your hands behind it.

It was.

Don't touch it.

You weren't touching it.

Just don't fucking touch it.

Yeah, I didn't touch it.

I'll point that fucking knife right at your goddamn eye.

God, I hope you fucking slit his throat.

Wait, but what grounds was he fired from his job?

Like, what grounds did they give him to fire him?

First of all, a couple years ago, if you publicly shame someone online, they would fire you for any reason.

It's just, we don't want this negative publicity.

It does not matter.

I feel like maybe we're turning a corner with that.

His employment was like at will or something, they could just let go of him for no reason.

Yeah, dude, if you're at the executive level of a company, you're a representative of that company, no matter fucking what.

I mean, imagine the CEO, yeah, anybody that's that high up, the shit that you do outside of work reflects on the company, no matter no matter fucking what.

So, for him to go be an asshole, regardless of how he's being an asshole or whatever nuance look you want to take at that situation, if it makes the company look bad because people are having a negative reaction to it, you're going to get fucking fired.

Yeah.

It seems like he should have maybe explored a wrongful termination lawsuit.

As an attorney myself,

I think that that's probably kind of flinching grounds for dismissal.

No, it isn't.

It's not?

That he made a video on Facebook?

Like, what does that have to do with this?

No, what did Nick just say?

I heard what he just said.

Yeah, if you're an executive, you don't fucking have that kind of shit.

It's a biotech company.

Yeah, they can fucking, they sexually harass people and stuff.

You can do whatever you want until he can make people not be gay anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, I'm trying to actually find a solution.

What are you doing, Chick-fil-A?

Well, my favorite part of the video at the drive-thru is he's about to pull away, but he's taping it.

So you see the car stopped.

While he's driving, you see the car stop.

He's like, I'm not even gay, by the way.

I'm completely heterosexual.

Hilarious.

He's like, there's nothing homosexual about me, but I just think it's wrong what your company's doing.

See, that's so stupid.

That guy does suck so much.

Some are like, you don't really like gay people.

You're glaring.

FYI, I'm not one of them.

But the thing is, it's like a lot of people are fucking shitty.

People shouldn't be homeless and unable to feed their family because they're shitty.

Yeah.

Every CEO of every company is probably, I mean, they don't probably make public statements about being homophobic, but they're probably shitty people.

You know?

Yeah, most CEOs.

Oh, sure.

But that's the thing is most actual rich, like super fucking rich people.

Nobody knows who the fuck they are.

They drive a Prius, they live in like a, you know, a bigger, you know, whatever house, but then they have tens of millions of dollars in the bank, and you have no idea who they are.

Well, that's not fair.

That's not true.

They don't live in normal houses.

They live in fucking just separated from the rest of society.

Yeah, but I mean, in New York, in New York, they do.

Yeah, in New York they live in normal

apartments and shit, but it's not like, you know, it's not like the houses that fucking, you know, Mark Wahlberg lives in.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, yeah, that's not that.

They're not doing that.

They're just like nice big houses.

There are a lot of very wealthy people that are not like flashy money people.

Yeah.

You're right.

I mean, like, it's kind of that's a sign of someone that's not yet wealthy.

Oh, yeah, baby.

That's why you need to get a gold tooth.

Like us with our Vitamixes.

You don't have to have a lot of money.

I'm losing.

Well, I have to buy one for my new apartment.

Oh, there you go.

It's my roommate.

Welcome.

I'm getting into knives now.

That's my new thing.

Someone was saying you can't order butterfly knives in New York City.

You can't have any knife in New York City.

Every fucking knife.

You're a name.

Here's how it works.

If you get caught with a knife, any kind of fucking knife, a cop's going to take it, and they're going to do this thing where they open it a little bit with their fucking hand, and then they're going to keep doing this with their wrist over and over and over again until the blade hits.

He's flicking.

He's flicking his hands.

And then they're going to say, oh, this is a gravity knife, so you're going to go to jail.

Gravity knife is a thing that hasn't existed since like the 1950s.

It's a giant fucking eight-inch knife that you swing and it can be.

Oh, those?

Those are the

huge fucking.

Yeah, it doesn't exist anymore.

So with the button.

The police have been able to

just loosely redefine gravity knives, which are like

outlined in the law as being illegal, as anything that they can fucking flick their wrist and open.

So, you're really not safe carrying any kind of knife whatsoever in New York.

Don't worry about, like, you know, people say, oh, if it's less than three and a half inches, you're fine.

It's not.

Adams Dick.

If they want to find a way to fucking

find a way to arrest you for it, they will.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I should put away this machete.

That's what I love about that fucking piece of shit.

First of all, every Instagram ad is fucking the most obnoxious shit in the entire world.

Yeah, it's always like subscription services for like fucking bow ties.

Yeah, it's all like, it's all like, you know, the bespoke post one, somebody had a comment on one of those.

It was like the funniest shit.

Somebody was like,

yeah, this is great if you've never had a friend with bad taste.

You got married and you had to be part of the wedding party.

Because it's all that.

It's like fucking, you know, premium leather suspenders and like

a fucking straight razor kit.

You know, just all this bullshit.

You know, unicycle maintenance tools.

Yeah.

Yeah, that kind of shit.

I hate that

bespoke post company something.

It's that kind of shit, dude.

It's just like it's like a little, you get a cigarette holder and a fucking

steampunk shit.

Yeah, exactly.

Like bro steampunk.

Yeah, yeah, I know the vibe.

You know, yeah.

Very like 2010 hipster.

Yeah, I guess, which has now been like dispersed to the culture at large.

Yeah.

And now people are like, yeah, I really like, you know, like Red Wing boots and fucking

that kind of dumb shit.

Like

Mumford and Sons.

They're not good boots.

I want to get boots.

No, man.

It's Sambas.

You wear only Sambas.

The only shoe anyone should have.

I want boots for the winter.

Where do I get a nice boots?

The boots I have that I schemed out of the garbage.

I think the only boots you should be allowed to wear are like whale skin covered in fur and then a string wrapped around the entire thing like an Inuit.

Those seem warm.

You should have like a very igloo-y look.

I wouldn't be opposed.

I just do they, you know, know, what do they, what's the traction?

What are you surprised arrive?

No, not yet.

Really?

I think it arrives today.

God damn it.

Yours arrived, and I'm jealous.

I was so happy.

I want boots, man.

Both Adam and Steve got pocket pussies.

We're going to tape them together and fully.

The problem is if they don't make child dick-sized pocket pussies in America, because it's a woman.

Why would that be a problem for you?

What do you mean?

A child could have sex with a woman.

No, they can't.

It just wouldn't feel that, hit the back wall.

No, they needed to buy child vagina pocket pussies, so they've been waiting for them to clear customs.

You've got to get them from Japan.

That's a good idea to address it.

Where they invented pedophilia.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's not true.

Right in front of me, dude.

You're going to claim a different culture invented pedophilia?

Yeah.

That's fucked up, dude.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Give us democracy and pedophilia.

Those are our two biggest.

How are you going to do that?

You know what I'm saying?

Why isn't pedophilia a Greek word?

It is.

Case closed, motherfucker.

Case closed.

No, it's Japanese.

Pedophilia.

Pedophilia.

Have you ever looked up the names of

American video games in Japan, but like games that are made by Japanese people?

No.

They

just fuck up their own language to make

Super Mario Brothers is like a Super Mario Bruzuro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sonaku Jehedihagu is like

one of them.

Like that's the Japanese name of it.

It's whatever the Japanese word for hedgehog is.

Yes.

Yeah.

I love that, dude.

They just talk like a racist version of themselves.

It's tight.

Yeah.

I wish more countries did that.

Dude, they submit, dude.

That's right.

Japan has bent to the knee.

Ever since.

That's not true, dude.

Ever since that fucking

player.

Ever since that.

Yeah.

We can't take credit for the family.

They know what the fuck is that.

Our families weren't Americans.

I know.

I didn't do anything.

Yeah.

It was Nick's family.

Nick's Irish family.

They're all responsible.

Did you have relatives that fought in World War II?

No, of course not.

What?

Your grandpa wasn't in World War II?

Nope.

No.

What was he?

A deserter?

No, one of my grandfathers was born in like 1931.

The other one was.

So he didn't go to Korea?

The other one just like sort of fucked around.

Really?

Yeah, actually, you know what?

He was born in like 1920, so he would have been like 15 when the war ended.

No, 25.

So that's prime.

Yeah, no,

he just didn't.

He deserted.

What?

He didn't desert.

Did Did he not get drowned?

No, he was in the Navy.

I don't think he did anything.

He didn't do yellow.

Oh, so yeah, he fought, but he didn't.

Nick, such a yellow, yellow-bellied.

Yeah, you got coward in your blue.

No, both of my grandfathers were in the military.

Oh.

They just didn't do anything?

Yeah.

Well, one of them is like a weird guy.

He was kind of a con man.

So I don't know anything about him.

Hell yeah.

Never drank in his entire life.

He had a secret family in Louisiana.

That's cool.

Yeah.

He's a flim flam man.

My other grandfather grandfather was like a navy pilot.

Ooh.

But he didn't fight?

Not in World War II.

No, he liked.

What about Korea?

No, he was deployed in the Baltic tracking submarines.

Yeah, my grandfather was in Italy doing cartography, like maps.

Yeah, so drawing pictures.

No, no, but he's like

doodling and raping.

But he didn't rape.

You said he didn't rape earlier on.

You're trying to call me yellow.

I'll fucking cut your ass up, dude.

Come over here.

Uh-oh.

Don't put the knife down.

My grandma.

It's not funny.

I'm going to turn your socks red.

Come here.

That's my Achilles tendon.

That's my Achilles tendons from Greek mythology, socks.

I'll wet your ass up with my Swiss Army knife.

My grandfather got caught in the

war with Bulgaria.

Don't do it, man.

Don't say it.

Don't say some stupid bit about the Swiss Army, Adam.

I know that's where you're going to go.

What's up with the Swiss Army?

They just have like gadgets?

Is that what you're going to say?

Something along those lines?

Well, no, the Pope's guards are called this the swiss and they just look like clowns

they're just they're like clowns

that's that's an interesting question and one that that we need to look into there's no

there's no swiss army but that the pope's guards are called the swiss i bet there's a very

there's a barely interesting reason that's not a good joke for that

so you should look that up and then tell us we'll get back to you on on the next one.

Thanks, man.

Thanks for doing that.

Can you put the knife away?

I just.

It's been a weird episode.

You know, a lot of people love it.

The James Bond stuff was good.

The thing about a knife that's good is that, you know, it gives you not the same amount of power that a gun has.

Right.

But enough power that you can wave it around the room.

Sure, sure.

And people aren't allowed to say anything about it.

I think, like,

when I was studying abroad, there were like British kids, and I think that their street violence is

better than American street violence.

They have a lot more stabbings and like I'm gonna take your loaves off, bruv.

Yeah, yeah, because they don't have guns.

Because in America, we have guns and they don't have a gun.

I'm gonna deaf this boy up.

Yeah, I'm gonna get in here and pop his drums.

Come here, boy.

Give him a bit, give him a Chelsea smile.

We're gonna make him Jewish.

Come here, get your Willie on the table.

We're gonna give him a Manchester haircut.

We're gonna have a Manx bowl cut, mate

it's a new type of haircut talking about your willie

cut it off we're going to slice up your bullocks mate

what do you think of that adam yeah what do you think of that we're going to slice off your ball cut your fucking dick off and then your balls

we're going to slice up your balls so they look like a tiger got to them i would love the idea of just doing this to like a stranger waiting in line I wish I had that power.

I don't know.

I just think that if you got you, motherfucker, I'm going to cut your dick off.

I'm going to cut your balls off.

And the police show up, and they're just there every week.

I'm always at that Chick-fil-A doing the same thing.

You're doing it for gay rights, though.

Put the knife down, Nick.

Come on.

What is it called?

51.150?

5150?

Yeah, 5150.

It's in California.

Gay man on the loose.

In California, the cops are allowed to just take you directly to the mental hospital.

Whoa.

So they're allowed to

be crazy.

Yeah, you can just go to the.

Instead of jailing people, you can get fucking.

And then are you there indefinitely?

I don't know, but the cops can commit people.

That's too much.

That's too much power.

To answer your question, if you guys cut off my dick and balls,

cut off your dick, slice up your balls.

Slice up my balls.

I think that it would just, I would be pretty pissed and maybe need to take a week or two off the podcast.

I would be taking

a trans member on the show, and nobody would

be allowed to say that we're fucking racist anymore.

That's true.

It was supposed to be Saf.

Saf's trans in a way that his body produces a bunch of estrogen.

Yeah, because you are what you eat.

You eat estrogen pills?

I mean, pussy, fuck.

You eat a bunch of estrogen?

Okay.

Dude, I didn't know you even needed to take it that far.

I figured it was just your

weight pressing on your small testes.

Your small testes.

I got big fat balls.

But I did use the

mom's chocolate women's vitamins Your purpose is your mom's pussy.

No.

Ew.

What the fuck, you guys?

No.

I ate her vitamins.

When Saw was born, he ate his mom's pussy.

I ate her chocolate.

That's why he got so fat.

What?

Well, how would that make me fat?

Yeah, they're like, I think this is the umbilical cord, but it might just be a Twizzler.

I don't know.

I've never seen this before.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but your son is

pre.

He's premature.

No, he's pre-diabetic.

He's not premature.

He's actually in there a little too long.

I was just eating candies.

Ma'am, I'm sorry.

You have a rare disease that's known commonly as Entaman's pussy.

No, I'm not a doctor.

I just

know the door code.

My wife gave birth two weeks ago, so they come in here.

I'm trying to get on SNL, so I'm doing more of like a man on the street sort of thing.

I like the idea of a baby.

Oh, yeah, I'll leave.

Yeah, no problem.

You actually can't call the cops because it's not illegal to say things to people.

So it's first amendment.

Yeah, enjoy your fat baby, you dumb bitch.

Yeah.

I would.

Oh, you know Lorne.

Well, then my name is Aaron Glazer.

Hey.

I'm a triple threat.

Prah, prat, pra.

Sitcher, I'm a triple threat.

I do improv, I do stand-up, and I rape girls.

I took that one from from you.

You took a bit from me.

I took it from you.

How's it feel, you motherfucker?

I tried to take it back to you.

We said rape at the same time was cute.

I thought that's what Synergy.

Slicing feels.

Oh, you just sliced

synergy, and I think that's business solutions.

Dude, I love slicing.

Slicing feels good.

I can't wait to just go to fucking Times Square on New Year's and give people a couple little nicks.

Can we call this the

knife episode?

Nick just confessed.

That's premeditated knife crime, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

He confessed to a fucking crime on the street.

First of of all.

I would never.

Times Square is for Taurus.

You know, the real murderers go to fucking.

Yeah, yeah.

The Lower East Side.

Just run up to the New World Trade Center and start giving it a couple slices.

That's a good place.

It's not as bad as what they did on 9-11.

Puerto Rican ISIS

made a couple of slices on the new World Trade Center today.

And you're looking at me?

We want to establish a global caliphate, bro.

So we're going to trying to stab everyone that's like not down with our jihad,

you know what I'm saying?

That's not bad, that's not a bad character,

Puerto Rican jihad,

Puerto Rican ISIS, yeah, bro.

Like, I'm saying, like, ever since I've been Mujah Hadeen, bro, like, I've been like, you know, you getting a lot of pussy, you know, from Virgin Girls that just want to join ISIS and be brides and shit.

Oh, yeah, dude, yeah, pussy, it's like uh, it's like uh, they put like it's like playing GTA, they put like a gay guy in like uh in like a low rider, right?

And then the water's already up to his neck and then they just lower the hydraulic

until his head's under the water.

Gay guy's like, no, please stop.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's how they go.

Woo!

All right.

That was pretty good.

This is a long one.

Oh, shit.

How long did we do?

An hour and a half, I think.

Yes.

We're done.

Bye, guys.