Ep. 65 – Construction Boys

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Oh man, what a long day.

Yeah, you boys, you boys have been doing fucking manual labor all goddamn day.

I gotta say, the mull dog was really in his happy place today.

Knocking down walls, using power tools,

ripping shit up.

Yeah, I feel like a bitch, dude.

I've been doing like white-collar

computer typing work all day, and you guys have been real manly ass men.

Dude, we're contractors.

You put on the white pants which i love every greek look like mario thank you isn't that what contractors wear don't they go all white every greek guy would always wear painters wear all white well yeah i pray to a to a jew

contractors wear like megadeth shirts

you know yeah no helmet no masks no gloves no goggles yeah we used sars masks today because we weren't true contractors because you had them left over from all the sex you have i insisted on not wearing a mask at all

i like to really get in there, feel the latex going in and out of my lungs.

I like that fiberglass from the drywall tape just flying.

Adam learned today that the drywall tape had fiberglass in it, so he's repeating.

It does?

It does, dude.

And that's why my arms are itching.

Yeah, he had an allergic reaction to doing work.

I have a lot of allergies.

That's a manual labor.

I have a lot of allergies.

It was funny, though.

Like, I got there, Adam was like, because they did one wall yesterday without me.

And I was like, oh, I guess you don't need me for this.

And I showed up, and I didn't realize Adam's job the whole time was just doing cleanup.

No, that was my job today because you were using the second Sawzall.

You mean I was using my Sawzall that I own.

It's not the second Sawzall.

Yeah, the one I brought with me to the project.

Guys, don't diminish me.

What were you using?

What were you using the first time?

It will not be erased.

You just said

that.

The reason you guys are diminishing my ability to do manual labor is because I kicked your ass in bowling.

Okay.

And that got your feelings.

For the first four games.

First of all,

it was only two games of official tournament play because Stop had to quit because of exposure.

I was sick.

Because of profuse.

I'm fighting an illness right now.

My muscles are a lot bigger than yours, so it takes a good hour and a half before they get warmed up.

I'm like your little bird body fucking weak-ass muscles.

That's not true.

That's a good question.

You sneeze, and then you're like, I'm ready to go.

And then you fucking picked a child's ball.

That's true.

You weren't using a regulation.

I was using a 13.

You were using 12.

You were losing a 13.

Yes, I was.

13 balls were 13.

They were 12 pounds.

So they weren't.

I was going to use why did I get the number 13 on them?

I was using a 6, but you were using a 12-pound ball.

I was using a 13.

A 12-pound ball is 4.

You were using a 16.

Honestly, yeah, you were using

3 pounds more than 16.

The size ball that an adult uses is a fucking 16-pound ball.

Yeah, also an adult just throws it into the gutter because he tries to do cool spin every time.

And then what happened at the end?

At the end, everyone was exhausted and didn't want to bowl anymore.

You got your excuses.

But you got addicted because you're a fucking drug addict personality.

See, you misunderstand addiction and perseverance.

And that's why you will never be a basketball camp, summer camp coach like I will.

Because I understand perseverance.

I can spell it.

And every single letter of the word perseverance means something relating to the basketball camp.

Pussy, pussy.

As we know.

Pease.

For perseverance.

Let's go through it, guys.

Everybody, let's come here.

Let's take a knee.

Everybody, come take a knee.

Okay.

All right.

It's good.

Everybody, if you need the top of the key, we're going to take a knee right here.

And we're going to work through perseverance.

P?

That stands for perseverance.

Okay.

Okay.

Who does perseverance?

Yes, it can.

Yes, you can.

First of all,

just look up while the coach is speaking.

They'll make me blow the whistle directly in your ear again.

I will do that.

I have deafened nine camp campers.

Nick throws it.

They call me nine deaf Johnny

because I've deafened

permanently deafened students of this basketball camp with my whistle

for speaking out of turn

while I have dictated that we are taking a knee at the top of the key.

Perseverance, P, stands for perseverance.

I know what you're going to say.

You can't spell perseverance without P in there, right?

You can't define a word with the word.

Yes, you can.

How?

Through perseverance.

When you persevere, you keep doing it.

All right, what's E?

So P.

P stands for perseverance.

What's perseverance stand for?

Let's work through it.

The P.

Oh, the P.

Okay, that one also stands for perseverance.

Okay, okay.

So you're just doing

triple perseverance.

We'll take questions at the end.

Okay, thank you, coach.

So perseverance, perseverance, perseverance.

It's like when you look into a mirror and there's a mirror behind you

and it goes on forever.

Do you ask questions then?

No, you shut the fuck up.

You pretend you're in a cool tunnel from the matrix.

What I do is you get high in your grandma's bathroom where she has that two-mirror set up and you fucking stay in there.

You eat a lot of people.

And I think about why you didn't finish community college.

You know, what I do is I'm going to be able to do that.

You babysit your grandma

for $20 a night because your parents know you won't get a real job.

So they made up grandparents' babysitter.

That's perseverance, okay?

Yeah, that's what the P stands for.

Even after she begged for you to leave, stop taking your Viking and you persevered and you fucking did the job.

E stands for energy.

You got to have energy if you want to persevere.

How do you do that?

You drink Red Bulls before every R.

You got to...

No.

Red Bulls is R.

No.

We haven't gotten to the R.

We're talking about energy.

Energy, R, Red Bull.

No, we're going through the whole word.

First of all,

you're only an assistant coach, and only because that's the only title we have for counselor here.

You're in charge of handing out the brownies in the cafeteria, Stavros.

He's a lunch lady.

As part of the

basketball camp.

Sounds like you're a lunch lady.

I'm not a lunch lady.

I brought this.

Do lunch ladies who have cool hair nets?

I don't think so.

Let's continue.

Continue.

R, Red Bull.

S.

R stands for retarded kids.

We allow retarded kids in the basketball camp.

If you may have a retarded cousin or retarded brother and say, I wish he could participate in basketball camp.

I want everyone to take a look at the child in the wheelchair.

You know, he can say, he can persevere and say, I'm not retarded, but we know what those legs are.

You should go to murder ball camp.

You should go to murder ball camp.

Unfortunately, they don't have that.

That's only for pissed off, CrossFit, disabled adults.

You got to be.

It's only for guys faking.

You got to be a real pissed-off wheelchair guy to get into murder ball.

Can you be a guy that can use your legs and do murder ball?

Or do they kick you out?

If they don't kick you out, there's one guy.

Are you mad at you?

There's one guy, but the top of the body doesn't work.

So he's just a pair of legs with a limp top.

He's a ball leg.

Holy shit.

He shoots with his left.

Limp top.

Yeah.

That's what happens when Adam gets head.

Perseverance from a woman because it stands for sex.

Guys, stop having sex with girls from the girls' camp.

It's bad for basketball

in the bathroom.

Bad for the knees.

You keep coming on the floor, and the old black guy that's been working here for 40 years yells at me because he's got to clean it up.

All right?

And you're scared of him?

I'm a basketball coach.

I shouldn't have to deal with janitors.

Are you scared of the janitor?

Of course.

I confused him for Wilt Chamberlain the first day.

Because

when I was surveying the venue, I said, oh my God, Mr.

Chamberlain, it's so nice to meet you.

He was insulted by that.

I mean, he is 5'11.

He's a 5'3 man.

He's actually,

I found out later,

a Pacific Islander.

Yes.

No, he's Filipino.

He's not, he's a different kind of black.

Yeah, yeah.

Yep.

His name is Sal Marcos, but he's he's Spanish.

He's Hawaiian black.

But he's Asian.

Filipinos are black Hawaiians, right?

Filipinos have Spanish names, but they're Asian.

They're the party Asians.

Perseverance.

Okay, S-E.

Actually, I changed my mind.

The S and the E stands for Cedric the Entertainer.

The other man I thought the janitor was after he told me that he was not Will Chamber.

Okay, so Cedric the Entertainer.

R.

Retarded again.

No.

No?

What's

perseverance or perseverance, right?

I think if there's another.

Persevere.

Persever.

Persevere.

Persevere.

Alright, so P

S stands for spelling is unnecessary.

Unnecessary.

Spelling is unnecessary.

Spelling is unnecessary.

It also stands for Cedric the Entertainer.

Okay, so R again, I think.

And then a V, right?

R stands for

Real Time with Bill Maher.

Okay.

It's a great show, guys.

You should watch it.

It's for in-your-face Democrats like me, the coach of basketball camp.

Basketball.

Cometown basketball camp.

Where everyone is welcome, especially retarded kids who are actually better than us.

They're better than you guys.

You may think, look, you may look at me and you say, that guy's the teacher.

He can teach.

If I'm going to learn anything in here, it's going to be from the coach.

Well, I I want you all to take a look at the retarded kids in the class because they're the real teachers.

You think they're better than thick women?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do they, what's is their retarded boy magic?

That's my next buzz feeder.

I'm not that thick women.

Are some retarded kids better than thick women?

By Dana Schwartz.

They're calling this the article that is going to heal America.

Our retarded kids are going to be able to do that.

After the violence in Charlottesville.

After the riots in Charlottesville, there's one article that's healing the nation.

Are retarded kids better than thick women?

It's true.

The white nationalists were for thick women, and the alt-left.

No, come on, don't give them that.

Guys, come on.

Nazis don't like thick women.

Look, I'm trying to get out of here by fucking.

All married to thick women.

Are you serious?

Nah,

they've gone past thick.

No,

thick is what we call hot hot women.

They're married to fat women.

You know what I mean?

They're married to fat women.

They're married to fat women.

Thick is like how body positive, like how Ashley Graham is like supposed to be fat, but she's just hot as shit.

Yeah.

That's what a thick woman is.

Yeah, yeah.

Thick is pretty.

Stop jacks off the London Andrews.

Who's that?

The woman that's like morbidly obese, but they're like, she's a model.

She probably has.

She might.

She probably weighs like 6,000 pounds.

I'm not exaggerating.

At least.

You're not exaggerating.

I'm not exaggerating.

First of all, that's 2,000.

No exaggeration.

There's zero hyperbole.

2,000 of those pounds are probably just ink from all of her, like, Sailor Jerry tattoos.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's like, it's like, you know, Betty Page?

She's like

Betty Novel, right?

She's

a bunch of people.

That's actually good.

Betty Crocker Page.

Okay, that's not as good.

All right.

Yeah, I'm in.

No, she's she's she's

not.

No, who cares?

She's shot.

All right, back to basketball camp.

We got to finish.

I don't know.

I'm going to sketch.

Now that I started it.

I'm kind of in here.

I kind of like being basketball coach.

Yeah.

Guys, we got more letters to go.

Sorry, Cameron.

Take a fucking knee.

I'm on my knee.

God damn.

Coach, you talked about thick women.

What do you want me to do?

I didn't bring that up.

Put your phone away.

Let's do basketball.

Oh, damn.

One of the campers.

That's a lot of air.

Camper Adam.

Yeah.

I will fucking deafen you with this whistle.

What's going to happen?

Ooh, Maron.

God, yeah, I'm in on London Andrews.

Coach, you tried to burn me, but now I'm in.

I'm sorry, Coach.

I'm really enjoying my time here at Auschwitz Basketball Camp.

Kv stands for

victory.

That's the goal in basketball.

Yo, you want to fuck that other lady?

What's her face?

Randolin?

Randolph.

And you don't want to fuck London Andrews?

I think London Andrews is hotter.

She's hot as shit.

Maybe I'm confusing London Andrews with somebody else.

Maybe, because I I think I know who you're talking about.

Maybe the movie's balloon table.

That's a different person.

Bro, she is hot as shit.

Unless she lost like 400 pounds.

So you said she's 5,000.

She's 26,000.

Oh my god, off.

I'm legitimate.

Get off your goddamn phone.

No phones in basketball camp.

That's what the V stands for.

Forget the fucking phone.

Forget the phone.

Forget about the phone.

Forget about the phone.

Okay, so that's the V.

A-N-C-E.

E stands for.

The next E stands for energy.

It's time for another Red Bull.

Guess what?

We just finished the first chord.

This is a long-ass word.

Yeah.

Persever V-E.

Well, you got to persevere.

You got to go to the next one.

So is the second R Red Bull then?

You got to persevere through this bit.

Is there another R?

Yeah, Perseverance.

No.

Perseverance.

You know what it stands for?

Another Red Bull.

That's what E-E-R stands for.

Another R, Red Bull.

Persevere.

V-E-R.

A.

Okay, A.

A-N-C-E, I think.

Bring it home.

Okay.

What's that?

E-N-C-E?

I can't spell it.

Hence.

Perseverance.

No, you're right.

It's E, I think.

Yeah.

Perseverance.

Okay.

How many letters is in this word?

It's the longest word ever.

Oh, and then A-N-C-E stands for also not Cedric the Entertainer.

Oh, wow, that acts it, yeah.

When I made the mistake of confusing one of the black children's parents for Cedric the Entertainer.

And that's perseverance, guys.

Wow.

I will never.

But wait, that's the first.

There's two, right?

Because that's the P.

We incepted it, right?

See two more Pacific Entertainers.

Oh, in the mirror world?

We're in the mirror world, remember?

There's two more.

I don't know, guys.

Basketball camp's over.

Everyone get back in your Toyota previas and head back home.

Thanks, Coach.

Thanks, Coach.

I can't tell you how much I've learned here at basketball camp.

And I appreciate you molesting me less than Adam, Coach.

Yeah, this is not a molestation camp.

I'm covered in drywall dust.

Yeah, me too, dude.

Yeah, I mean.

Did you ever go to a sports camp, Adam?

I went to tennis camp once, and my dad yelled at me when he picked me up.

It was day camp, and at the end of the day.

I went to basketball camp for two weeks.

At the end of the day, they were like, everyone pick up the tennis balls.

And then everyone started scrambling, running really hard, trying to pick up as many balls as possible.

Yeah, yeah.

Basketball camp was a fucking nightmare, dude.

How old were you?

I don't know, like eight.

Oh, that's tough.

You're a little ass kid.

Because you're not strong enough.

I was older than the other kids on my show.

Shoot from the waist.

For some reason, get this.

I think I was in fourth grade going into fifth grade.

I was in the basketball camp.

And then I went because my cousin was going.

My cousin was good at basketball.

And I was...

Was this your black cousin?

No.

Your Jewish cousin.

Yeah, yeah.

And

I was an athlete.

My mom sent me to stay with them for like two, three weeks that summer.

Okay.

So I was just staying in New York with them.

And was a New York basketball camp.

Yeah, so he went to basketball camp.

So I went to basketball camp with him.

And I'm terrible at basketball.

It was like a source of shame for me.

Was this fat bowl cut, Nick?

No, I wasn't fat at the time.

I didn't get fat until I was only fat for like two years, I think.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

But it is bowl cut.

Yeah, I mean, I had a bowl cut until like 2013.

Okay, so we're talking about

sports.

But you're bad at sports.

Yeah, because I was bad.

I was okay at baseball, but yeah, basketball was always difficult for me.

I could never cross over a dribble through my legs, and that was the only thing that fucking mattered.

It's cool.

Shooting's not difficult, but I had no ball handling skills.

Oh, yeah.

Getting a good in-between-the-leg dribble is one way of looking cool.

Oh, it looks cool as shit.

When you can go back and forth between both of them.

Oh, very cool.

A little behind the back.

Very cool.

Yeah.

I love that it's behind the back.

And I think I told this story on the podcast.

They called me Adam White Chocolate Friedland when I was in basketball.

You wish, bitch.

Everyone was white white where you played basketball.

They called me Cadillac White Chocolate Freedland.

I was Cadillac.

I was Escalade.

You were Cadillac.

You were E-Claire.

Escalade rules.

You were E-claire.

No, I was Escalade Flint.

He was Pillsbury.

You know, Escalade, he rules, man.

He's fat as shit.

He died, I think.

No.

Maybe I'm wrong.

No,

I told this story before.

You did.

I think you did.

But yeah, with the kid who had elephantiasis in his finger.

Yes.

So he had this giant, like, war number one finger.

Can he spin the ball on it?

That would be cool.

That would be sick, dude.

What's the point of even having that finger?

If he had a giant finger and then on top of it, he could have

that globe from Scarface that says, the world is yours.

Very cool.

That'd be cool to see.

That's very cool.

Do you think you could fuck...

If you have a finger that big, you could probably fuck like it's a dick.

Was it dick-sized?

I don't know, man.

What's your fucking stupid mind that that's all you think about?

You don't think if you have a dick-sized finger, you don't even consider putting in a pussy?

Honestly, no, because you know what?

And again, we already talked about this on the podcast, but I told Norman Wilkerson that story about that poor disabled boy.

And Norman, at age probably 49 at the time, was like cackling.

He's like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

A boy with a disability.

And me and him spent the day, I think, yeah, I forget what we were doing.

We were helping my roommates at the time go to some framing place.

Nice.

And me and Norman were sitting in the car coming up with different jokes about that kid's finger.

Norman goes, yeah, he really loves finger painting.

One time he did the whole living room.

That's good.

Yeah.

You roasted that little fucking kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think his finger's the same size now?

His parents got him a Chinese finger trap, but they wanted to save money, so they just took a traffic cone off the street.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

That's clever.

Yeah, it's a good thing.

I think it's more clever than stuff like the

two hours.

In retrospect, none of them were funny.

The living room.

The living room's not bad.

The living room.

That's a Norman Wilkerson original.

He asked me not to mention him a moment.

Shouts out to Norman.

Wilkerson.

Yeah, you broke his rule.

I broke his rule.

Well, we all respect him.

He looks kind of like Colonel Sanders.

He speaks incredibly highly of Norman.

I fuck with Norman.

I've met Norman a couple times.

Norman's hilarious.

Yeah, he's funny.

Yeah, and then we gotta be careful about mentioning people that asked not to be mentioned, considering Patreon is now

kicking off bad boys.

Well, yeah, if you're trying to kill refugees or whatever.

No, they kicked off

like a

fast news service.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a like a Antifa news service.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Did they do anything bad?

I mean if Patreon finds out you're going to Greece to have sex with children, we're done.

Yeah.

I'm not I'm gonna go date them.

I'm not if whatever happens happens.

They're bringing chocolates to a four-year-old?

Isn't that a Todd Berry joke where he's like I've always wanted to go to Thailand on vacation, but any time an adult man says he goes to Thailand alone on vacation, they're like, oh, you're gonna go fuck boys?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are some other Todd Berry jokes?

Todd Berry did a joke about now you're now you're just what you're stealing is by quoting now, is by citing your sources.

He has a really good joke about organizing your closet.

What is it?

I forget.

I used to have a Cambodia joke about going to Cambodia.

That was a good joke.

That was a good joke about that journey.

It ends with like blowing up a cow or something.

No, the joke was like...

I'm also doing it.

Because Nate Bargatzi just also had a joke about going to Cambodia and blowing up a cow with a rocket launcher.

Whoa.

Which the joke.

There was a different direction with it, but it's like...

So why would you.

Because it's such

an obscure reference to do a joke about that it feels

I see what you're saying.

It's so strange.

Yeah.

But I guess if I don't do it as stand-up anymore, just mention it on the show.

Yeah, there you go.

The bit was about, you know,

if you go to Cambodia, everyone thinks you're going to fuck a boy.

It's like the only reason to go to Cambodia.

Well, that just sounds like that Todd Berry.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's like not a particularly original observation.

Yeah, sure.

I don't think that that's a very good joke.

It's a setup for a joke.

Yeah.

Shots fired.

Well, not at me, Todd Berry.

At you.

At you.

Ancient enemy, Todd Berry.

At you and your writer, Todd Berry.

I appreciate everything Todd does for me.

Well, yeah, if you're going to go to Cambodia, you know, what they got there is they got a fucking a place where you can blow up a cow with a rocket launcher.

They also have a place where you can throw a grenade in a lake and fire like a fully automatic like a machine gun at at a car.

And it's like after all that, you expect me to just fuck like a regular prostitute?

That's a good joke.

I'm going to fuck a boy.

That's a good joke.

Thanks for giving me the fake laugh.

I think it's funny.

You heard that joke probably 400 times.

Yeah, but I'm a generous laugher and I forgot the strategy.

I think it's a good joke.

And

I think it was...

I'll laugh if you're not.

I'm just saying

this is my big tag.

I'm just saying, you don't go to Universal Studios and get your picture taken on the teacups.

Right, right.

you go to the business.

That's Disneyland.

Yeah, you get okay.

Well, whatever.

Sorry to nitpick.

I'm really serious about Disney stuff.

Yeah, me too, dude.

I got really depressed.

There was this guy I went to high school with who really, like, he was the salutatorian of the class two years before ahead of me, and he really wanted to be in the Blue Men group.

Blue Men group.

What's the salutatory?

The second.

The Sonatorian Salutatorian.

What's the name of the guy that gets like the worst grades?

The coolest.

The school mongoloid.

Magna cum retardum.

Yeah.

Retardum.

There we go.

Yes, brother.

Yeah.

Magna.

Hold on, hold on.

Magna cum retardedly.

That's good.

Yeah, what do they call that dude?

Hi, you know what I'm thinking of?

What do they call the guy that fucking he does the worst?

Yeah, I graduated.

Where's Magnums Comes Loudly?

Whatever.

Was that a big joke for you when you were in school?

Yeah, I did graduate Magna Cum Loudie, and I said that all the time.

Am I fucking shit?

Actually, I didn't graduate.

I walked.

I never actually finished my degree.

College?

Yeah, I have two.

I still need two language credits.

We could do that.

Let's just take Greek.

I could take a test.

I just don't care.

Well, I think it's too late.

I want to see that diploma, Stav.

Yeah, you know, Greek, you know, pig Latin, you know, regular pig.

Stav speaks oink.

Anyway, this kid used to dress up like Blue Man Group every year for Halloween.

Ugh.

Because his dream was being in Blue Man Group.

It can't be that hard.

What?

And then

he found out senior year he was about 5'7 and he found out you have to be like between 5'10 and 6'2.

Oh no.

And he cried.

He cried.

What a stupid dream.

This poor kid, yeah.

So then I looked him up.

I think he got into Stanford or something.

Like he was really good at school.

He's got to be alt-right now.

No, he like he, I looked him up and it said.

That's the most alt-right backstory I've ever heard in my life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This guy that was too short to be in the Blue Man group.

He's fucking, I hate this world.

I'll vote for Donald Trump.

Oh, also

doing things for guys like me.

Guys that were too short to be in the blue man group.

How dare they take down that statue of Robert E.

Lee?

The bravest man that they would have let Robert E.

Lee in the blue man group.

That is true.

He had too much hair.

I feel bad.

No, so I think he also, I remember he said, he likes, it was a Monday after a weekend.

He was like, I lost my virginity this weekend at a sex club.

Oh, no, a sex club?

Yeah, yeah, he's just fucking some old

sex club in Vegas with leathery tits.

It was like a husband watches, yeah, yeah, basically.

With a thin-ass mustache,

he's like skinny, but he's got that pouchy belly.

Some guy with a paunch jacked off.

I guess we got to talk about Charlottesville at some point, right?

We've got to open up that.

Yeah, they need our

tick.

They need our tick.

They literally need our take.

Wait, let me finish.

So I looked him up on Facebook, and he is now a.

I forgot the actual term.

It's basically guest experience coordinator at Disney World Resort.

Whoa,

hell yeah.

Yeah, so now he works at Disney World.

You think he started the mini Blue Man group, the Smurf World?

Yeah, the Smurfs.

That's all the guys that couldn't get in.

They all got

a lot of people.

They're like, we're going to have our own club called the Smurfs.

You can get that surgery where they break your legs and then extend them.

Yeah, because he's close.

He's, what, three inches away at surgery?

Please don't fucking fuck with the back of that speaker.

Oh, stop.

What it is about that, though.

People sitting there.

Because there's a hole you put your finger in.

It's fun.

It is.

Yeah, please don't put your finger in that hole and fuck up the speaker.

What about my dad?

I got to say, you were a lot more polite to stop just now.

Because I didn't recognize that it was a thing that everybody is doing.

Well, you know what?

I thought it was the first time.

The first time someone makes a speaker.

Also, I didn't touch the wall.

It should be easier on

the second time.

First of all, I didn't touch the wire.

You fool me once.

I fingered the speaker pussy.

I fingered the speaker pussy.

You were grabbing it wired.

He couldn't even see if I was grabbing it wire.

I could see that you were grabbing it wired.

You dirty rat.

You dirty rat.

You dirty rat.

You dirty rat.

Can I put my cock?

Okay, how about this?

We put the speakers on

full volume.

We put our cocks in this.

That would feel good.

You leave my fucking AV.

You take that one.

You take the right one.

I take the left one.

Do you think ever,

if we ever got in a position of real power, we'd do one of those two penises in the vagina, one in the asshole kind of thing?

Oh boy, that's interesting.

As a bonding.

I think we could all potentially fuck this.

I want to see that.

I would.

But two in the same puss is tough.

I've seen it accomplished.

You guys can get it.

IRL?

Enroll on the internet.

I want to be jacked off while standing next to the bed.

In a full suit, a power stance.

Onto the nightstand, not looking at anyone.

That one's like, you're turning around.

No eye eye contact.

But me and Adam are still sharing the pussy.

That's why I think that Asperger's people are so good at threesomes and polyamory because

they don't make eye contact.

No, it's a puzzle.

It's like a movie contact.

That's good, too.

I like your ankle too.

I'm sorry for stepping on it.

Well, that was, you know, whatever.

It's just a thought.

One second.

Oh, now you're leaving, and Nick's taking a drink of water, huh?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think Asperger's people in general are freakier with sex shit because it's it's like they take the emotion out of it.

Do they?

I think so.

I don't know.

I was at work and then I overheard some girl say,

I love fucking autistic guys.

Oh, nice.

Oh, yeah, I've heard that take before.

Yeah, I love fucking guys with Asperger's.

Nice.

Which is weird.

Well, they probably fuck, like I said, there's no emotion.

They take it mechanically.

They leave their socks and shoes on.

Absolutely, yeah.

Completely naked, but with like trainers.

Yes, very good grip.

Very good grip on the ground.

That's a black guy, I think.

Yeah, they love.

I'm not going to crease my Jordans for this movie.

Ayana was telling a story about how one time

some guy she was fucking stopped and put on Air Force Once to get a better grip while he was fucking her.

He was shoeless.

Yeah, he was shoeless.

And then he paused to put on Air Force Ones.

Maybe I got him put on some AF1.

sneakers.

Yeah, but for fucking, apparently.

Yeah.

I don't think I've have you worn.

I guess I've worn shoes while fucking.

I don't think I've ever.

You've never fucked outside or.

I've worn a t-shirt.

I guess in a car.

How is that equivalent?

In a car.

No, I like to have sex naked.

Call me old-fashioned.

Of course.

Yeah, but I mean, if you're fucking public, of course, you're going to be fully clothed.

Yeah, yeah.

In a car, I'm going to take my clothes off to fucking like behind a dumpster.

Fully nude.

Sorry.

In my preferred

venue of having sex,

behind a dumpster.

Anywhere.

Yeah, white people be like zip their fly down and have sex through different.

He's that Facebook post from Kinfolk Collective that's like, y'all couldn't wait to martyr that white woman that died in Charlottesville, huh?

Oh, what?

That was the absolute worst take of all time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's why Daily Stormer or whatever got, or no, not Daily Stormer,

Stormfront got got kicked off a GoDaddy because they called that woman a slut.

Yeah, yeah.

They were like, she's a slut, and we're glad she's dead.

Was she doing, was she even a slut, though?

She was protesting.

That's not like a slut.

Yeah, they were.

She was a woman with a pussy.

She was a woman.

She was a woman with a pussy, and it might have been a little open.

I was saying, let's just find out that Mr.

James Fields,

what if we find out that he was trying to run over the statue?

Jesus Jesus Christ, man.

Wouldn't that be a lesson for everybody?

Yes,

it truly would be.

He went there to run over the statue with his car.

Uh-huh.

And if they hadn't been counter-protesting,

it is chill that you can wear combat fatigues and have semi-automatic weapons and just not be a threat to cops.

Also, aren't those weapons like a lot of money?

What?

AR-15s and shit?

AR-15s and shit?

Like, we always call them like, like, poor hicks and stuff, but, like, those guys are wearing, like, full body armor, AR-15s.

I mean, that shit costs money, but that shit's like 20 grand worth of fucking shit.

That's the kind of shit, like, I mean, what else are they buying?

Yeah, right, exactly.

Like, you can food.

You can be brilliant, but don't have like one expensive thing.

For some people, it's guns.

I guess so.

You know?

I guess so.

I mean, I'm just saying that maybe they're not...

I think it's stupid to say that all alt-right or whatever people are poor.

Well, they're not.

They're not all poor.

Are you jealous of their poverty?

No, they have nice polos, dude.

Of their

fire.

That guy who got fired from a hot dog restaurant.

The fucking GSMC of their earth.

Well, that guy was rich.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

He made $65,000 a year from that hot dog restaurant.

He had that Under Armor polo.

You know that shit was waking away moisture.

He was staying dry as fuck.

Absolutely.

People are already dockers and polos.

They're posting blurry photos of people on there, and they're like, this guy, his name is Brad Smith.

I found someone that vaguely looks like him on Facebook.

Everybody,

they're blaming the wrong people.

Of course, dude.

And it's funny that, like, there's one guy that looks like Nick.

Yeah, yeah, it wasn't me.

Okay, yeah, it wasn't you.

I was teaming.

He was basking.

He was skinny.

He wasn't fat.

That was

bootleg nickname.

He looks like sexy.

I've already lost three pounds.

In fact, I'm losing way too quickly.

I got to fucking dial it back.

You lost 20 pounds in a week?

Two or three pounds.

Oh, okay.

How the fuck did you hear this?

Two or three, 20?

I don't know.

He's so far away in this room.

That's true.

Nick wouldn't allow us to sit on the same couch as him.

Yeah, no, now his fat ass needs an entire.

There we go.

Yeah.

Fat ass Nick.

Fat.

Hey, maybe you speak big Latin.

I don't.

Fuck.

I still have better body composition than you.

No.

I totally forgot.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, anyway, so yeah, we're the violets in Charlottesville, you know.

Let's fuck up some.

of the stuff.

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, I get it.

It's about saturation.

Somebody posted a picture of this.

This is really about Saturday.

Somebody on Instagram, they were like, oh, this is the guy from the fucking thing.

And I commented, it was like a comic.

I don't want to go into it.

But they posted it.

And I was like, yeah, you shouldn't really do this because it doesn't matter that you saw some article that says this is the fucking guy.

There is a history of people fucking this up and blaming the wrong people.

But yeah, what about the guy in Dallas who they said was the Black Lives Matter?

whose life got destroyed.

I can't remember that guy's name.

Yeah.

Basically, and then the Dallas police department left the fucking tweet up.

Three days.

Right.

Yeah, for the fucking piece of money.

And it's like, like, this, the reason those protests are fucking, the reason those cops got shot

is because the police make it clear that they don't give a shit about black people.

If you're going to leave a fucking tweet up accusing somebody who's unbelievable,

that is like an egregious fucking display of

how little respect you have for a human being.

I think they arrested the real shooter and they still had a lot of people.

They still got it up for days.

For days.

Yeah, anyhow.

But no, the best example of that is the Boston Marathon thing that

Brown kid, Samuel Tripathy, who's a student at Brown.

Not that he was also a Brown person.

But he went missing a month.

It'd be really confusing if he was a millionaire.

Because he killed himself, right?

And then Reddit is like, we figured it out.

We fatly solved the case.

We're better than the police are because we post.

You know, and that's a cool website.

People are harassing the fucking

family of the kid or whatever.

And BuzzFeed reported on it.

At least one of their reporters fucking tweeted it out.

Great.

And they're like, yeah, this is who it is.

There's also some guy named Mike something that they accused of being the fucking, you know, the Boston marathon bomber.

And people think, oh, well, you know, that happens once.

So what do you do?

I mean,

you don't do anything.

You don't embrace vigilante justice.

That's what you do.

You fucking fucking let the cops.

You let the cops try to find people that

broke laws.

The cops already arrested the guy that drove through the thing, and I'm sorry, but demonstrating isn't a fucking crime.

So if somebody broke the law, yeah, sure, have them arrested.

But like, this idea that you're going to take a blurry photo and then just randomly accuse people.

No, you're fucking absolutely wrong.

If you think

anyway.

First of all, what did I say?

I said.

You rolled your eyes and you said, what are you going to do?

He wasn't saying what.

I'm not saying you should do it.

I'm saying it's fucked because, like, I feel like I want to know who the fuck Nazis are.

There should be some way.

Like, I guess they're making it obvious who they are, but it's like, I know it's demonstrating, but they're fucking Nazi.

They're talking about killing.

They want a fucking white state.

Like, it's different than other demonstrations.

It fucking is.

These demonstrations have been going on forever.

There's never been, my entire life, there's been white nationalist demonstrations in the United States.

Not like that.

Yes, like that, dude.

Yes.

They fucking.

The American Nazi Party was active 10 years ago.

Yeah, but they had demonstrations.

The KKK has demonstrations.

These fucking things.

This can't happen.

Since Trump won the shit.

Since Trump won the different type of those guys.

To say that white nationalists haven't existed or they don't exist.

Of course, it's existing.

I mean, like Timothy McVeigh, who's pretty much attached to loose leave, you know, I mean, to say that he's not a white Nash or that there isn't some white nationalist aspect to the Oklahoma City bombing.

I mean, it was more of of a problem 20 years ago than it is now.

Right.

But those demonstrations, yeah, those demonstrations have.

It's a body count, maybe, but it's still a fucking huge problem right now.

No, I think there's more attention placed on it culturally because that's hot on the internet and because of the election and because of this alt-right thing specific problem.

Because, yeah, the people in the White House, I mean, fucking a lot of people.

Yes, but that's different.

That's a different issue.

You're talking about these demonstrations and what's happening on

a cultural level with just people.

And like, ultimately, the people who go to protest a statue being taken down in Charlottesville are like you know other than the guy that drove his fucking car through a crowd of like counter protesters They're just fucking making noise, you know, yeah

And the important part if you want to get people I'll never like I'll never embrace the idea of we got to find this guy We got to get people fired because I don't like the idea of getting people fired as a method of punishment in in any way.

Yeah.

Regardless of what you do.

I don't like the idea of racism.

Oh, we need to You're dead.

You're going to get fired and then going to be like, well, you know what?

I'm not racist.

Of course not.

But it's also like a shitty tactic to embrace getting

fired.

The tactic is shitty, but there is a marked difference between someone who says a joke you don't like and someone who's fucking, you know,

you want the vice principal at your kid's school to be a Nazi, like, at that rally?

I don't have a kid.

Well, you know, like, in theory.

But

there's a big difference between someone, like, a joke and fucking having a fucking swastika at a thing about a Confederate flag.

Of course.

I'm not saying there isn't a difference.

But I'm saying on principle, I don't

like it.

You don't support the idea and like either you embrace that or you don't.

And that's what having principles is.

That's what it is.

Well then principles are stupid because if maybe they are then fine.

But then don't act like you're a fucking holding.

No, because people do the same shit with like

with the death penalty.

Oh, I don't support.

I would never support the death penalty unless it's fucking, you know.

Hitler.

Yeah, well, not even Hitler.

Like, when I don't support the death penalty,

what's his name?

The Charleston kid.

Dylan Doof.

Dylan Roof.

When Dylan Roof got the death penalty, people say, oh, normally I don't support the death penalty, but I do in this case.

Well, that means you support the death penalty.

But he's going to get that deal.

You're a fan of the death penalty.

He's going to get that penalty.

You want the death penalty to happen.

If there's certain situations where you support the death penalty, then you support the death penalty.

Don't pretend like you don't.

I understand.

If you don't ask me, if you want to say there's a certain point it crosses in which I support people being fired for expressing something, then you support people being fired for expressing something.

But don't shy away from it.

But just like, just admit that that's what you're saying.

Yeah, when it could lead to violence, the same way the freedom of speech thing, where freedom of speech ends.

Being a fucking Nazi is the same as yelling fire in a crowded room.

No, it's not.

I don't agree with that.

I think it is, man, because you're talking about your ideology is saying directly, I want these people gone.

Now, fucking Richard Spencer or whatever is saying, oh, I I don't hate anybody or whatever.

They're saying, I don't want to murder them personally.

All right, so what the black Israelites would say, we need to kill all white people.

You would have no problem with the police coming and fucking.

No, that's just cool, dude.

Yeah, I know.

I don't have a problem with it.

But I'm saying, like,

why would you set a precedent of making certain types of speech illegal?

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

That's a good point.

No, you don't.

Eventually, the guys you do like are going to say the same fucking thing.

You're right.

That's a good point.

No, absolutely.

I think you're right about it.

It's just an emotional fuck.

I don't know, man.

It's fucked up.

The fucking president is like, He's...

Obviously, it's fucking emotional, but that's why justice and laws should be sort of removed.

Emotionally.

Right, emotional.

You're right about that.

No,

I agree with what you said.

Yeah.

It's just fucking weird, dude.

Like,

in theory, you're against hate crimes legislation because you're like, murder is murder, right?

Well,

hate crime laws are sort of,

they're...

correcting a flaw in the system that's expressed through systemic racism.

If you're a black guy and you murder a white guy, you're going to get the maximum penalty.

If you're a white guy and you murder, if you're a white woman that murders a black guy, you're probably not even going to go to jail.

Unless that, yeah, if it's a hot white woman that murders a black guy, you're not even going to.

You're going to get a reality TV show.

Right, exactly.

Come on.

She's.

You know, I mean, if you didn't have hate crime laws, then it wouldn't be equal sentencing.

I mean, I kind of, I mean,

I don't know, man.

I don't even really believe that justice exists.

No, it doesn't.

So, I mean, to say, oh, well, if we kill this person, then we'll all feel better.

I mean, we certainly won't as a society.

It might

alleviate some of the pain or help in the grief process for the immediate family of whatever victim, you know,

if it's a murder or whatever.

Because it's not benefiting society.

Yeah, I mean,

it has no impact on crime rates.

Right.

Also, you could just make their life horrible.

Like, if you get a lot of people.

Well, they get that $5 foot law.

It's torturing people.

But I just mean, like, you're in prison for life.

It's shitty.

You know what I mean?

Like, it's not

a good outcome.

Yep, and you're getting that $5.

You're getting that $5.

Yeah, that's true about the foot long.

Yeah.

I mean, if you're, like, thinking about, like, efficacy of, like, any kind of punishment or whatever,

like, really, penal colonies work better than anything.

Send them to Australia.

Yeah, let them live.

You don't torture anybody.

You just say, okay, well, you can't be a member of our society, so you can go live here.

There's some kind of infrastructure or whatever.

You know, where do we send him?

Jersey.

There you go.

Oh, nice.

Dude, I think the larger point, and I'm sure a lot of our fans are going to love this, is that the racism

has been used.

Oh, shit.

Look, I forget.

Anyway, sorry.

Oh, fuck it.

I'm done.

I don't know.

I don't want to get socialists.

You have to do things like that because sometimes the show is not going to be funny, specifically when we bring up the Charleston thing.

Right, right.

Because you have to talk about it.

This is a political show.

We are the political people.

We don't want to involve it.

To say that you're not political right now

is privilege.

That's privilege.

It's true.

You're privileged to say that

if you're not posting, if you're not retweeting woke accounts constantly and you're not politically active like I am by saying things on social media to get a bunch of likes, like being a political activist the way I am.

That's privilege.

It's actually privilege to not be a brand-building, self-aggrandizing, you know, I'm socialist, hero.

Stav is socialist, and Nick is chaos actor, Joker, Heath Ledger.

So that's where we're coming from.

I consider myself to be more of like the Romulan school of thought.

Is Romulus, he's the one who fucked up Remus?

No, Romulans.

Romulus and Remus from Rome.

From Rome.

Right.

Rome origin stuff.

Oh, oh, oh.

They were Siamese twins that fucked each other.

They were the ass and the week, all of Italy.

Yep.

An entire landmass is just

Romulus.

The come out of Remus' ass made Sicily.

Yeah.

And that's why the songs are dark and gay.

You know, you're part

ass eggplant.

They're punished.

Yeah.

Yeah, he put him eggplant in his ass.

Dark olive Sicily.

I love this guy.

Can you believe him?

I'm pot eggplant.

That's good.

Yeah, we got to take a break.

Okay, okay.

Well, folks, you know what time it is.

It's the underwear segment of the show.

Nick Mullen here for Mac Weldon underwear.

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They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means you don't have to bathe anymore.

They'll suck all the dirt out of your shitty body, and you won't smell.

you know, to your family that doesn't speak to you, which is probably the only people you're hanging out with if you're listening to this show.

Um Mac Weldon wants you to be comfortable.

So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it and they'll refund your money.

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So go ahead and get that uh that uh that first pair and if you don't love it, you know, no loss.

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Thanks, folks.

And we're back on the show.

I think, I don't know if anything happened during the break.

I don't know.

Yeah, Adam smoked with a cigarette and we really lost steam.

I'm kind of tired now.

I'm tired from doing man's work.

I had to think for like three minutes.

There's another wall that's got to come down.

Yep, we're going to go back there after the show, do some more

prop breaks.

You're going to the deeps?

Yeah.

Oh, heck.

You need more stuff?

Need some aviation snips.

Yeah.

We should get goggles, too.

Sheet metal.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

With some aluminum studs to be cut through.

Fuck, dude.

I want to put up some shelves and shit in my room.

I want to mount the TV to my wall.

Oh.

I'm really trying to get the room popping.

Yeah.

Are you going to do porno and the big TV in your room?

Of course.

That's so sick.

And it's also red.

It's dim red.

I don't know if I could jack off to big screen porno.

I don't know.

It would feel wrong.

I'm used to it on phone screens.

Right.

Right, right.

You know, we beat off

so much.

Computer.

It took a while to get adjusted, but now we're adjusted.

Now I can't go back.

Yeah, I think once you start, that's like sort of.

Although, one time I, you know, it's fun.

Well, I actually tried and it was too much.

I, uh, in Baltimore, I had an iMac.

I let

and I put

like four different pornos up at once, and it was like way too much, dude.

Like the, the, the, you know, the cock can only focus on so much.

It's true.

The cock brain.

The cock brain.

Nick is volatile, so he's not part of this conversation.

Yeah.

I'm punishing myself for getting fat by not jacking off

until I'm below 80% body fat again.

Nah, dude,

that's how I'm going to lose weight.

Jiz first.

I'm going to drain my heavy-ass balls by beating off constantly.

And that should be like seven pounds.

Yeah.

Imagine having seven-pound balls.

I don't have to imagine.

That's how much my balls weigh.

That sucks.

I'm sorry.

No, it's good.

Stock thinks his fucking fat not as sod as these balls.

No, it's my balls.

He actually doesn't have general

buddy.

He's like a Kendall.

There's a inflated stretch mark.

There is a

generous helping of balls.

Sorry, Nick.

I'm about to betray your trust, but Nick was squatting today.

Oh, this is the worst thing that's ever happened.

What happened?

I don't know, Nick.

Tell me, please.

So, Nick's like talking to me, and I'm like, wait, did you piss your pants?

And then, because the front of his pants were just like covered in water.

And he's like, no, I didn't piss my pants.

Like, what the fuck?

We had to work backwards.

It was a giant piss stain on my crotch, and it's like, I didn't spill anything.

I checked the height of the sink.

It's not like the sink top had been wet or something.

Did your boyfriend piss on your dick?

No, because it was because

I was taking drywall screws out of the bottom of those metal studs, and I was squatting, and my stomach was hanging onto my crotch.

You fat fucker.

All the sweat from my stomach.

Your undergut.

Your undergut

sweat on his dick.

The middle of my stomach when I squat.

Oh, yes.

Because the thing is, I have way more hip mobility than the both of you because I'm

weightlifting.

Untruffable weightlift.

I'm a gym guy.

I can kick higher than you.

You can't do anything.

My hips.

Actually, you know what?

My hips are.

You're a physical therapy from fucking rolling in tacos, you made it.

First of all, bitch, it's from a football injury because I am an athlete.

I'm trying to open hope.

It's from getting a sack on Morgan State's field in

2007.

White Castle.

Oh,

take it back.

I was joking around speaking about getting a crave case, but only using it for important business meetings.

I told you about that guy.

That guy showed up to court.

Yeah, with the four case.

He is four boxes.

That rules.

That is so awesome.

Who's there to get the business license for Andre Steakhouse?

How's it going?

Solutions?

Hi.

I'm Andre Cousins.

CEO/slash entrepreneur of Andre Steakhouse.

Wait, what's the new name of Andre Steakhouse?

You said it when we were on the car.

It was so good.

The new name?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was just.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot to.

Oh, scenario.

Scenario.

Steakhouse.

Yeah.

Intelligent dining solutions.

Intelligent dining solutions for the upscale, casual, participating.

Andre's steakhouse is probably my favorite.

Yeah, it's so good.

Day one blaze, dude.

They bring it, like, they have it.

They have their own bloomin' onion, but they cut the onion in a way that it looks like someone tinting their fingers.

Like little calamaris's ring.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hell yeah.

Damn, that would be good.

God, this is honestly such a fleshed-out idea.

You've thought of everything, dude.

We got to dupe Andre Steakhouse.

Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Andre Cousins.

Founder, CEO, and entrepreneur of Andre Steakhouse.

Bring in intelligent designer.

Intelligently designed dinners.

Intelligently designed ambrosia for your tongue.

You know the desserts are called ambrosia at DeAndre Steakhouse.

Enticements.

Enticements.

Enticements.

Enticements.

Situations.

Let me get a steak situation.

Porterhouse situations.

Damn, I want a steak now, but I'm trying not to.

I'm trying to be a good boy.

I've relapsed hard, man.

I haven't been a paleo warrior.

Although today was a good day.

I drank a big fat suit.

I hit the gym.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, we hit the gym of contracting.

I hit the elliptical.

I did some damn fucking lat pull downs because that's good for a shoulder that's been injured in real sports.

I got a couple people DMing me about my shoulder.

Well, I have a torn labrum if anybody knows what to do for that.

I get DMs every time you...

Like, shoulders are complex.

You've got a DM every time I say that.

Every time you tell me something about working out, I get DMs.

It's like, Nick, it's not true it's not true what he's telling me oh shit you hear that I think they know what they're talking about whenever like when I said that my back hurt from from doing squats and you said no that's just your muscles like uh that's just the lactic acid and you know your muscles like no I said getting stronger strain the thing is if you have like a disc injury no no it wasn't yeah

no no no no no I didn't say I didn't slip a disc

probably your erectors or fucking weak whatever or if you're squatting and you're not used to exercising you're taxing your lower back more than your legs Well,

if you're on R/slash bodybuilding, call into the show and let us know what we're getting wrong.

DM me.

I will be happy to argue with you.

Oh, my God.

This fucking ass.

You just invited a correction.

The most annoying DMs of all time.

Nick Watt is seeking them out.

Bodybuilding redditors.

I'm not engaged with the DM corrections concept.

I know, you love it.

It's the same reason you love fucking

customer service.

You claim to hate it, but there's a fire in you that I only see when you're arguing with Verizon or UPS.

Just give those fucking jobs back to the Indians.

Americans should not be answering phones.

Anytime I fucking call a customer service line and you fucking, it's, you know,

hello, this is Tracy.

You fucking piece of shit.

I'm just thinking about the bumper stickers on a shitty car.

Your fucking stupid family.

It's not when it's like, hello, my name is Computer Printer.

What is the the problem with your Macintosh?

I'm like, thank God.

Printer, let me tell you.

I've had it up to here with these fucking why people.

Why people?

Why people?

In the goddamn Nashville call center.

I've been selling

numbers to get you.

AT ⁇ T had the sweetest old black woman of all time.

She hemmed me right up, dude.

She fucking took care of the cell phone.

She took care of the old data plan.

She did me fucked up.

What were they telling you was wrong with the back of the city?

They said that when I said my back hurt from doing deadlifts and you said, no, that's fine.

That's just your muscles recovering.

They said, you're wrong.

Well, they don't have enough information.

It could be hurt.

They said that it I hurt my back.

I shouldn't be deadlifting and having my back hurt the next day like that.

Really?

I thought that isn't supposed to stretch out your lower back?

It does.

It works your lower back.

It works your whole posterior chain to deadlift.

There's no way that...

Because you were deadlifting, what?

95 pounds?

I was deadlifting my body weight.

So 95 pounds.

You're not going to slip a disc with that fucking weight.

You're right.

You have enough strength in your life.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Damn, you beat him into submission instantly.

You were so happy to tell him he was wrong, and then you have nothing to go through.

I just said that people are saying, this is a Trump tactic.

People are saying...

Yeah, everyone's saying it.

People are saying.

That is a good tactic.

I got to give him that one.

That is a good tactic.

That is great.

Both sides did wrong stuff.

That's right.

The people who DM'd you did wrong stuff.

I even may have said something not so good, you know?

But hey, it's okay when I make a mistake because I do it in a different way than the way they do it.

We were talking today about how he does that lean with his shoulder.

He does that gayly.

He pushes one shoulder into

his chin, and he goes, folks.

But he always inhales when he does it.

Yeah.

You know, and it's like weird.

Which is like the.

He's always pouting, too.

He looks like he's trying to lead Al Pacino in the room to have sex with him while wearing some kind of silk robe.

That's like the

jet, like in fucking Carlito's way.

Get into the apartment if you can.

Oh, Gail!

I want you so bad, Gail.

That's the

vibe.

Well, you guys know my theory about his neck does look like a pussy.

Being a repressed homosexual.

His neck look like a pussy.

His neck will look like a pussy.

His second dick is thick and fucking a dick in the mother pussy.

Anyways, somebody recommended to me for my shoulder.

My shoulder always fucking hurts.

Yes.

But then again, shoulders are complex.

There's many things

wrong with me.

He's doing

supine grip, high-rep barbell rows.

Okay.

Rather than lat pull downs.

What's a supine grip?

It's when your hand is supinated.

Supinate.

Oh, like under.

Pronation and then supine.

Okay.

Lat.

So wait.

Overhand.

Barbell rows.

You put out the ball bar.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I could see that.

Don't work your lat.

Yeah, rows and lats.

Lat pull downs is what the PT guy told me to do.

Yeah.

Well, that, and this is bullshit.

And this is just me guessing, but I would imagine the row would be better for you than the lat pull down because there's less scapular movement.

Perhaps, I don't know.

But it doesn't hurt when I do lat pulldowns.

I think it's a specific tear I have.

Yeah.

It's just overhead shit, free waste.

Let's put it this way.

I hope it gets worse for you.

Why would you say that?

That's very rude, and I'm your friend, and you should hope for the best for me.

No, I think you deserve to have a

disease.

Why?

Well, it will prevent the burgers from reaching your mouth.

I can eat a left burger in my left hand, no fucking problem.

You killed McCain shoulders?

You have to drink everything through a crazy story.

Yeah, then I'm drinking milkshakes, you fucking idiot, and every for every meal.

Yeah, I can drink more of those green smoothies.

That's true.

I'm back in.

Today I had a nice one.

I'm sure you just make custard in that Vitamix.

I love custard, for real.

I can't even front.

I fucking have a lot.

I'm a gallon of custard.

I had

eggs.

It's eggs and cream and sugar.

It's delicious.

What the fuck was I going to say?

Oh, here's the smoothie I had today.

Very healthy.

Kale, spinach,

red Swiss chard, a green apple.

What's red Swiss chard?

That's what the red stems.

It's a red stem.

It's got different nutrients, according to some doctor from I watched a YouTube video about.

A fucking little avocado, carrot, a tomato.

Okay.

Interesting.

And some coconut milk.

I want to learn how to make V8 at home.

Aren't the ingredients on the label?

label?

Yeah, but

it says in other spices and shit.

Ah, you need to spill it.

You can figure it out, brother.

Yeah.

I believe in you.

V8 sucks my dick, though, as a juice.

I pretend I'm drinking a cocktail.

I'm pretending I'm having a Bloody Mary that I'm back drinking again.

Put a celery stalk in there.

Dude, I love this.

V8 is nothing but salt, but you can drink it and you're like, yeah, it's healthy.

This is veggies.

I'm going to get through the pearly gates for drinking this delicious vitamin drink.

This shit's not good.

The V8 sweet splash.

The V8 splash.

That's what it is.

That's what my pussy does when I drink it.

It splashes.

Because it's delicious.

Yeah, that one was like V8.

It was like, look, only old people drink this.

Right.

How do we get kids to drink vegetables?

Oh, we just take the vegetables out of it.

Yeah,

Kool-Aid.

Yeah.

V8 Splash.

Sunny D with a little bit of spinach in it or something.

It fucking rocks.

Summy D, summa dick.

Okay, yeah.

Summer D.

Summa D.

Summer D.

Summer D.

Summer D.

Hey, baby.

How you doing?

Hey, baby.

I'm Summer D.

Summer D, suck my D.

Summer D is a good old black guy's nickname.

Summer D.

I'm Summer D.

He hibernates.

He's only around for the summer.

Oh, that's cool.

You know, I'm kind of working on him, but yeah.

Alright, well, let's workshop that and bring it back to him.

He's got silk shirts, but they're the fake Burberry print.

So let's get to Sav's Greece trip.

Sav, what presents toilet seats at Andre's take?

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

You just dry your hands on a pair of fuzzy dice.

That one might be...

That's too old.

That's like...

Fuzzy Dice?

Fuzzy Dice is like a hot rod guy thing.

70s blocks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, hot rod guys are also into those, like hot rod white guys.

Yeah.

Sav, what presents are you getting us in Greece?

I already actually do have a couple ideas.

Ooh, but I'm not going to tell you.

Come on.

I don't like surprises.

You know what I mean?

You you know what we can we don't have to talk about it right now dude i still gotta think i got time before i leave i got my friend a good present for his birthday it's a life straw so like it's like the straw you could drink like literally puddles on the street it's got a little mini cleans it's altered in the middle of the street what yeah yeah yeah what the fuck really yeah it's sick right what if you put a gift wait really it would actually clean it yeah max literally cleaned his hands today on a puddle in the street it was disgusting what yeah so he drank it no but if he had the life straw he could have done it You're telling me I could drink a puddle and it's clean?

Yeah, I don't believe it.

I don't believe that they

exist.

You could drink out of toxic waste treatment.

No, a toilet.

It's called the life straw, dude.

I mean, maybe if you're going to die, but why the fuck would you drink that if you live in a city?

Well, if you know, if you don't know what's going on, how much did it cost?

I think like 20 bucks, 25 bucks.

I don't believe that.

You bought the wife straw, and you can suck your wife's pussy juice.

Yes.

Oh, nice.

And it turns it into another younger woman.

it makes it taste like it's fresh.

45 years.

Do you think old pussy juice tastes different?

It probably tastes like a wine.

It's a fine wine age.

It's got lead in it.

Lead.

Because of all the lead paint.

Women born before 1984, they all got lead.

Interesting.

I don't think it's an age thing.

I think it's person-to-person.

I've tasted a wide range of pussies.

And I think a person's pussy taste probably stays relatively the same.

Personally, before I engage in sex, I make a woman sign a consent agreement form, and then I secretly record the entire encounter.

And then I do a pH test on her vagina to make sure that it's the right consistency that I read about in this fac I got on IRC called How to Have Sex for Gamers.

And then if

it's not the right pH you sewer, right?

If everything checks out, then I you know, I attach the shock factor or vagina and run it for 45 minutes to make it tighter.

And then I stick it in, come immediately.

And I solely dissolve her body in the bathroom.

And that sex.

That's a lot of legal.

That's a lot of sex, according to the fact.

It has some pretty cool ASCII art in the top.

Up-close picture of a pussy made out of X's and apostrophes.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Oh, is that what that's what ASCII?

That's what those are called?

ASCII?

ASCII art?

You ever see that?

Yeah, yeah.

It's all

images made out of

characters.

I remember the first time I saw that, I was like, nice.

I was like, this is pretty cool.

ASCII art.

You know, this is the future.

What about ASPI art, guys?

What about As fuck art?

Shout out to Woodgears.ca.

That's some ASPI art.

That's your guy.

I love that, dude.

Matthias Wendell.

Yeah, Max.

He was talking to Max about him today.

Yeah.

Autistic.

Autistic woodworker that Nick.

He's an autistic man that Nick was from Denmark or something.

He's from Canada.

You can see his video of him.

Get this.

He has autism.

He loves woodworking.

And one of the things he's made is an air raid signer.

Yes.

Perfect.

That's that's

all the boss.

We've talked about that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, you have to repeat yourself

on a podcast.

That's true.

That's the way to keep it popular.

You have one or two good bits early on, and you just keep saying them over and over again.

And that's why people keep coming back.

Hi, guys.

I don't want to hear anything new.

Just play the hits.

Yep, that's right.

You know?

Who's that?

Who's that?

It's the police coming to arrest Stav for robbing the Entomans factory.

Where are you cooking for me?

No, I had a coupon.

There was no limit on the coupon.

Oh,

you didn't want to fucking, you know.

I tried

to get away from Target the other night and I got caught.

Really?

I was buying one of those lightning to headphone adapters, you know?

And I ran my card and then the screen just went blank.

And the the woman put it in the bag and just walked away.

So I walked away from the cash register and I got like five feet.

And she's like, sir, it did not go through and you didn't get a receipt.

And I'm like, well, your fucking machine's broken.

And she walked away.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she gave you the bag.

She was a city employee.

I was like, then you fucking do it then.

Because I did it and the screen just went blank.

Well, you should do what I do and just put it up your ass and walk out.

Yeah.

Wearing a Gratcho Mark's mask.

Do you know how many fucking other men's penises Adam stole from Target?

Oh, yeah.

That's what I do.

I go to the bathroom at Target.

Uh-huh.

And then I steal other people.

Adam's been kidnapping children by Kirbying fucking

little girls and boys into his ass.

He's the strong ghost of wind.

What the fuck is that noise?

Is that Kirby?

Is that Kirby from the video game Kirby?

Kirby.

Kirby was a ghost?

No,

no.

He's like a fellow pink guy.

Yeah.

I don't think there's really a story.

I mean, there's no story with any of those characters.

Kirby, especially.

Kirby's the most.

Yeah.

Oh, because early on it was like you had like nine pixels on the screen to work with.

So you're like, yeah, this was just a dot.

There was a lot of video games like that.

The 7-Up dot?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

7-Up?

What is that?

The soda.

7-Up, you fucking idiot.

It was in a video game?

Yeah, well, there was...

Yeah, there there was a 7-up dot game.

No.

Yeah, there was.

You're taking a regular Nintendo.

Yeah, there was a 7-Up Dot game, I'm pretty sure.

Really?

And you just make a dot?

What do you do?

I don't think so.

I don't know.

You just don't lose it.

Mario.

That's the mascot I loved.

That slice of pizza for Pizza Hut.

I don't remember that.

It was a talking slice of pizza.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Man, Pizza Hut.

What a fucking shit.

What about Hamburger Helper Glove?

Pizza Hut, man.

That's weird.

That's good.

I like that.

That's a weird mascot.

That's weird.

I was into him, but I never had Hamburger Helper, and I was mad.

My mother never had Helen.

I asked my mom, and she said that's for non-Jews.

Really?

Is that a weird thing to say?

Not often, but I remember my mom getting the beef stroganoff hamburger helper when I was a kid.

Beef stroke me off?

Like, this is the fucking best.

We never had it.

Beef Stroganoff is like one of the most comforting dishes you could eat.

I think I've only had it once in my life.

Yeah,

little bow tie noodles.

I love a bow tie.

Ugh.

Beef stroganoff is amazing.

You want to make me some?

I want some for dinner.

I'm hungry.

Fuck, I'm hungry.

Beef stroke.

stroked.

I'm hungry, too.

I got to fry up some chicken.

Fry?

No.

You're hungry.

You got to go to your county calories.

Okay, okay.

Not like a deep fry.

We got to go to Home Depot, bro.

Yeah, we got to go to Home Depot.

We got work to do.

We got to take out that other wall.

I got to bring the charger for my fucking bag.

For your sawzall?

For your Sawzall.

Yeah.

Savar and I are going to lock fingers, hold hands the rest of this episode.

Pretty.

Yeah.

How's that make you feel, Nick?

Left out?

What have we...

I hope I die soon.

Me too.

I've been kind of stressed.

I've been alright since I I stopped drinking coffee.

Having that one cup of coffee, I feel great.

I've been actually

performance handser for the podcast.

I do on the show, I copy from Lewis.

Now I've stolen the

diet nutrition.

Penny board shit.

What's that?

Do you ride little ass skateboards now?

I'm going to get really into truck press.

You don't smoke big like Lewis.

You don't smoke

loud.

Lewis doesn't smoke weed, does he?

Oh my god.

He's constantly.

Constantly smoking weed.

He strikes me as like a not smoking weed guy.

I asked him during a skank fest, I was like, how's it going?

He's like, great weed, hot women.

What an eighth-grade answer.

Before we're adults.

Before you know, before you've ever kissed a woman or smoked weed, that's what you say.

Great weed, hot girls.

Yeah, we were like the night, the night we did that one night in Detroit.

I was just like doing blow with Dave Smith.

And then Lewis, yeah, Lewis was hitting it too.

We did like the entire bag in like an hour.

Hell yeah.

Up in like four hours later.

Oh, nice.

Hell yes.

And Lewis is just smoking weed.

And then at one point, he was completely naked.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

It was a weird night.

Why was he naked?

I don't know.

To be funny.

He's not circed up.

What's his cock look like?

I don't know.

He's in shape now, but he was a mess at the time.

Yeah, I remember that.

He looked fucking.

He was weird.

Yeah.

Lewis bounces around, man.

Yeah.

He goes back and forth he's up and down I'm the same way me too I guess that's why me and Lewis get along similar body types you know nutrition styles yeah both podcasters sure both Puerto Rican rattlesnakes yeah retired that title to be the clown prince of the all-right yeah I still me and Adam are still Puerto Rican rattlesnakes I think my my new name is uh I like blades a lot blades after bringing all my sawzall blades yeah blades mullin and nick referred to bringing a sawzall as bringing his blades i remember on the on the the group's group,

I'm going to come over with my blades.

And I was like, we have a sawzall here.

He's like, then I'm not coming.

Yeah.

I mean, there's no reason for me to be there if you already have a sawzall.

But as we found out today, two sawzalls.

Two sawzalls.

Yeah.

All right, let's go do some prop shit, dude.

All right.

Good night, folks.

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