Ep. 53 – Adam’s Fault

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Okay, the title of this episode is Elephant in the Room.

Oh, God.

And

it's about stop.

Hey, what though?

Good.

That's a turn.

That's a good turn.

Yeah.

Because we were all expecting it to be about me.

Yeah.

So we had to, Adam lied on Twitter and said the recorder messed up.

No, it didn't.

The truth is, we had to just not upload the last episode.

Because

it was censored.

This is so counterproductive now.

This is so much worse.

You told me to do this.

This is so much worse than just releasing it.

He's going to get harassed now and called the bitch for censoring the episode.

I didn't censor it.

The government did.

Yeah.

We got a note from the FCC.

The fuck cocksuck.

Fuck cocksuck.

Well, it's the Friedland Censorship Corporation,

which is actually a bank owned by Adam's dad.

And

they got it.

Some things came up about Adam's grandfather,

some of the stuff he did during the war.

Yeah.

We don't have everyone's consent to talk about.

Basically, the problem was Adam's grandfather ran a little side business in Auschwitz where

the women that survived the showers were basically up to the highest bidder.

And

he was like the dolomite of Birkenow.

He was like the dole is all of Birkenow.

Dolomite ruled.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, fucking Black Spoil.

I fucking.

Is that okay?

Did I say too much?

About

the crimes that you made up my grandfather doing?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's not.

I mean, we do have to address the fact that the other episode had to,

you know, we had to scrap it.

Because people are going to find out, you know?

But wait, how would they find out?

Look.

Well, they.

Yeah.

Amber just called Nick a bad person, a bad friend, and she's actually pretty right about that.

She's quite right.

She started over.

No, no, it's not.

You decided to bring up the grandfather rape conversation.

I didn't decide to bring that up, but continue.

I don't care.

I don't care.

Keeping both of these because one day they'll be good bonus content, I feel.

No, this one's going out, guys.

We're not doing two episodes scrapped in a row.

You can say anything about me.

And we're my family.

You're gay.

This is going out.

You're gay, you little dick.

Yeah.

I mean,

it wasn't even.

It wasn't even the episode.

It was that you were in a bad mood about it.

I was.

Maybe you should listen to it.

I had a lot of.

I don't listen to Come Town.

Maybe you should listen to it and see if it's bad.

I listened to one, actually, recently.

It was great.

We were doing this.

We're not going to talk about us listening to our podcast on our podcast.

That's all I'm going to say.

It was great.

You did a little cocaine yesterday, and you feel bad?

No.

Okay.

I've been taking Adderall recently and I feel a little on edge sometimes.

I feel like I'm kind of on comfort.

I can't do that.

Adderall is way more powerful than you should.

You didn't mean

Cadberry or Cadbury,

yeah.

But maybe a little bit

of fat or a bad thing.

Are you not as hungry all the time, though?

I'm not, dude.

I'm abusing drugs to get slim for the winter, summer.

Yeah.

But I am, I'm lightheaded always.

My doctor.

Do your fingertips tingle on Adderall?

No.

Like, I can't feel my fingertips a lot of the time when I'm on Adderall.

No, they don't.

It's gross.

I haven't done it in years.

I did in college.

Yeah, I did it in college to literally stay up and play GameCube longer.

I snorted Adderall to get high with all my boys.

Nice.

Do you play GameCube?

I love playing GameCube

in college a lot.

I was roommates with a rich kid and he had one of those therapists that would just write it like drug dealer therapists.

That rules.

Yeah, yeah.

So one morning I had an 8 a.m.

class.

I was like, yo, Danny,

let me get an Adderall out of your desk.

And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, yeah, no problem.

And so I grab one.

I had an economics class and I get to class.

I'm zoned in.

I just took the Adderall.

I'm taking these small little notes and I close my eyes and I open them.

It feels like two seconds later and the classroom is completely empty.

And I just look down at the paper.

There's like small little gibberish notes, and then just a pen line down the side.

And then I like come back, and I'm like, what the fuck was that, dude?

He's like, what'd you take?

And I'm like, the fucking Adderall in your desk.

He's like, oh, no, that was Xanax, dude.

I took a Xanax.

I passed out

three minutes into the class.

You must have looked so stupid, too.

I mean, the whole thing.

Yeah, I must have looked awful.

Yeah, yeah.

I drooled all over my desk.

Yeah, it was awful.

That sucks, man.

I'm anti-medication.

I'm all about fruits and vegetables.

The food pyramid.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I used to think the food pyramid was kind of stupid, but then I found out that the pyramids were built by slaves.

And now I support the idea of the food pyramid.

As a businessman.

As a free market capitalist.

I'm really into pyramids, especially that one with an eyeball on top.

That has to be my favorite pyramid.

Oh, yeah.

That's some cool shit, dude.

Yeah.

I can't.

I fucking, I wonder what Masons were up to back in the day.

Because I feel like Masons now are just like.

I don't know, Adam.

What was your grandfather up to back then?

Oh, man.

I wish that was.

What were the Masons?

They wear the hats, like the fezzes.

No, that's.

Those are Shriners, Shriners.

But that's a type of Mason?

Apparently, yes.

Well, I think what the Masons did was Masonry.

That's what I thought, too.

They built shit out of bricks.

It has nothing to do with bricks, though.

So they love the letter G and like protractors.

That's their whole thing yeah i feel like they're fucking running the world you either had to be uh like a guy that fucked around with bricks or just a dude named mason

yeah you had to have like a single mom that was on alcohol exactly mason or yeah mason one of the plumlee brothers

the caleb society

i'm a free caleb

um fuck dude so yeah that's good what we just talked about was good.

What did I want to ask you, Nick?

It's been a while.

You had to go again.

We haven't gotten your thoughts on the NBA playoffs in some time.

Oh, yeah.

Getting close to the finals, Nick.

What did you do a little NBA game last the last game?

I don't know.

Was this even a funny bit?

The last time it was.

It's pretty good.

It was kind of funny.

It was fun.

It was great.

You already hear Francis going to take it all this year.

What's that?

Who's going to take it all?

Without consent?

Do you really want to know my thoughts?

Because that's how we had to get rid of the last episode.

We were talking about somebody taking it all.

Taking

something from someone who didn't want take it taken.

I imagine your family being like...

South African.

Like one of those,

like, you know, the

cartoon mice that live in the wall, and the dad's all scared about the daughter learning how to read.

Yeah.

Yeah, but there's a lot of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, there's a lot of Jewish art where they all know.

The humans are nice to meet

Daddy.

Yeah, Stuart Little.

Poppy.

Stuart Little.

Mouse.

Mouse.

Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, that's kind of the best thing Walt Disney ever did was take mice away from the Jews.

That's right.

He's

like Mickey Mouse, and then he came up with Chuck E.

Cheese.

He didn't come up with that.

Yeah, that's Disney property.

Chuck E.

Cheese, the raccoons that suck your dick and play the drums.

You know those guys.

Do you remember the animatronic shows at Chuck E.

Cheese?

Yeah, of course.

He literally just mentioned it.

I don't remember it.

God damn it, dude.

Don't even like

take others' f feelings into consideration.

Don't listen to things they say like yes or no.

I wonder if that's like a familial trait.

That's not true.

And it's not about sex, it's about power.

Yeah.

Did you ever have a birthday party at Chuck E.

Cheese?

No, I never did.

But I went doping.

It was a birthday childhood birthday party.

Oh, well, it sucks because my sister and I have the same trait.

They shoot a birthday.

Yeah, four years apart.

Why do people say that shit about rape?

Well, it's not about sex, it's about power.

I don't know.

That's what they always say.

Like, you're supposed to be like, oh, oh, oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, fine.

Oh, it's cool, man.

I thought it was about sex.

Maybe it's just trying to deter

horny people from raping.

How?

You know what they would do?

Because it was like, hey,

you didn't want to rape, you'd probably go to a sex worker or something.

Just throwing that out there.

I think that's VR.

Dude, I want to fuck with PlayStation.

That's real power.

Yeah.

Spending thousands of dollars on virtual reality.

You know what?

I really, I bought the PlayStation.

I barely fucking use it, dude.

I know.

Honestly, yeah.

I mean, I use the Blender still.

Shouts out to the Vitamix Corporation, but Sony can suck my dick, dude.

I might get an Apple TV.

Apple TV rules.

Yeah.

My next purchase is I'm getting a console, and then I'm getting a seven-channel receiver.

I'm going to hook some surround sound up in this.

Oh, tight, dude.

You know what I want to do?

An immersive theater experience.

Hell yeah.

Yo, put some egg crating up in here, make a man cave.

Get some fleshlights.

Yeah.

You know, watch porn.

there's a new fleshlight you don't have to like move it just sucks your dick i love it hands free i love it that's cool yeah it's called

adam's mom

called my mom

she's lovely

there's a new flashlight that's incapable of moving

oh fuck um what was your best birthday party as a as a child do you remember adam and then nick i want to hear the well i used to have to have joint birthdays with my sister.

Oh, so all her dumb friends would come.

And all her dumb friends would come and then, like, dude, as an older brother, are you like Irish twins or something?

We're four years apart.

The timing is crazy.

This is the same exact Irish twins as I thought, like 11 months.

Right after each other.

No, they're not.

Well, the same birthday do you have?

Yeah, yeah.

The old joke my dad used to tell my friends was like, oh, it's'cause my because my wife only lets me have sex once a year.

And then they'd be like, oh, your dad gets no pussy.

He gets no pussy.

You and your sister have the same birthday?

We have the same birthday.

Yeah.

Born.

No, I didn't know if it was the same exact birthday or not.

That's weird.

April, yeah, same day.

So, okay, so you have, and that sucks as a fucking older brother after you.

You share with your little sister a whole bunch of girls.

And then I was like, I want to have a boy party.

Yeah.

So I think like fifth grade, I had fourth grade, I had my first own party.

I remember the first party we ran at Mars Attacks

and it was PG-13, dude.

Hell yeah.

but we got to go there anyway as a fuck yeah what was that 10 year olds 11 year olds that movie rules dude I had a much gayer version of that where me and my friends went to see Spice World for my birthday when I was like when I was like 10 years old no you had to be younger than that dude you're probably like Spice World was what 97

yeah then eight I was eight yeah Hell yeah, dude.

96 97?

That's a good film, bro.

Yeah.

And then I remember I had a sleepover birthday party once.

That was cool.

Yeah.

And then I went to my friend Phil's and we went on E-Bombs World, or maybe what was the one before that?

What was before E-bombs?

Like that little Homestar Runner?

There was some Homestar Runner, but there was like, I remember one picture of like a nun with a real hairy pussy.

Oh, that's cool.

I think my best.

We went to the

my parents took like me and some friends to the Holocaust Museum, and they

had a clown that we brought with us.

I'm sorry, I'm just remembering how funny that clown was.

He knew a lot of cool tricks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is cool.

Yeah, the clown, like,

he went into the shoe room, and he was like, look how small the shoes are.

And then he had, like, his big clown shoes.

What is it about the shoe room that everyone, that's what I, that's the only place I remember in that whole DC museum.

I've never been because I, you know, I don't want to spend my money to like a missing.

It's free campaign.

Yeah, I remember, like, I remember the Ann Frank experience where they put you in that thing that simulates like a

like a spaceship.

That's cool.

I remember

she was just in an attic.

You don't really go anywhere.

You put VR and you just stay still.

I remember the Lost World video game where you sit in the Jeep.

Yeah.

That was cool.

That was a cool part of the Holocaust museum.

The Holocaust Museum.

Yeah.

You sit in the train in the car.

Well, in a way, I mean, it's train adjacent to Holocaust, so it is a cool destination.

you are.

Do you think they're spurred?

You're an artist and

completist?

Yeah.

You're like, I need to go to everybody.

I'm a Nazi because I'm really into their train systems.

Yeah.

Yo, the fucking the Auschwitz, if you ever see, like, the tracks in Auschwitz, it's very impressive.

I mean, they had, like, like 20 tracks, like, side by side.

Yeah.

It was, like, a huge operation.

They really did not like Jews.

They really did.

And gypsies.

Yeah, yeah.

And communists.

Gays and retarded people.

And, yeah.

They

killed retarded people.

But you'd think they'd put them to work.

The gypsies?

No, they do tricks.

Yeah, yeah.

They do magic.

They do sleight of hand.

Haven't you ever seen the movie Thinner?

No.

Yeah, of course not.

That was a gypsy.

They put the curse on, what's his name?

The main guy.

Mr.

Big Dick.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, where he keeps losing weight.

Yeah.

Have you not seen Thinner?

I've never seen Thinner.

It's alright.

You keep losing weight?

That's the curse?

Sounds good.

Well, it's this big fat guy, and he, like, knocks a gypsy over or something, or he spits on her, and she's like, Thina, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he's, like, losing weight, and everyone's like, you look great, or whatever.

And then he just, it's about AIDS.

He dies.

Oh, it's an AIDS parable.

Don't fuck unclean gypsies because you'll get AIDS and then waste away to nothing.

That's a powerful message for our time.

It's going to be cool when AIDS turns out to be the cure to everything.

Oh.

When they have that, like, recombinant or whatever,

you know,

like super AIDS viruses that they use to just kill other diseases.

I can't wait for that to happen.

Doing that with polio to kill brain cancer.

Really?

Really?

Yeah,

they like splice polio with a type of cold virus and then they like inject it into brain tumors.

No, that's not.

Because then they can't.

So they cured cancer?

No, it's in clinical trials.

No, right now?

Yeah.

It's still like a phase one,

you know, study.

Hell yeah.

I know that Botox is them inserting botulism,

like localized botulism into the face to make you look gorgeous.

I want to smooth out my ass cheeks with Botox.

I was on the Upper East Side recently.

Those ladies look weird, dude.

The Botox?

It's weird that you like, if you're like one of the richest people in America, that's how you choose to look.

They all get like, they all look like ducks.

Well, they should fucking, if they were real, if they were rich as hell and they wanted to go the fucking Susan,

not Sarandon, although she still, I would still go.

Saranda Laran.

She's still a Susan Saran rap now.

She's made out of plastic.

I feel like she's

guys are age.

I would love to fuck Susan Sarandon.

I would fuck this shit.

Just for her body of work.

She's an incredible actor.

Great actress.

Big old.

I think we talked about it already, but I hate the

self-congratulatory announcement that people would fuck Helen Mirren.

Yeah, absolutely.

You know who I would fuck, actually, is Helen Mirren.

She's got bigger.

Because she's got big.

She's too good.

She probably fucks good.

She's got years of fucking bad.

I saw her at a ramen place, and she crushed that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She knows how to eat.

She knows how to slurp a noodle.

She get upset.

She got extra noodles.

Ooh, my bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

But...

But you just mean because she's an old lady, they're like proud of themselves?

Yeah, but they always like, it's this announcement.

right?

Right, right.

How magnificent.

Well, you think you're the only person that's like willing to say who wouldn't fuck?

You'd fuck, we'd all fuck Helen Mirn, right?

I wouldn't fuck anybody.

I'm Volcell now.

Are you at Volcell Vegetables?

Yeah, you do

cryptocurrency.

Yeah, I get Volcell.

Yeah, Volcell

Vegetables, Vitamix,

and then the word vagina, but like the Ghostbusters nerves.

Volcell always sounds like batteries to me.

I think it's like Duracell.

And like Volt.

Yeah.

Like Volt cell.

Yeah.

That's true.

That is very true.

Hold on.

That's all I got for that.

No, that's pretty good.

Adam shit his pants today.

Oh, yeah.

You shit your pants.

What happened?

What did you eat?

First, as a 30-year-old.

But you shit your pants like once a year.

It's a stomach thing.

No, it's not.

It's a weak asshole thing.

You got a weak asshole.

From getting punished.

It's my stomach.

You went to jail.

You went to jail for bank fraud

for forging coupons.

Coupons to the bank.

He says, I get a discount on pennies.

You make this coupon yourself.

No, I didn't.

And he just starts shitting himself.

Yeah, when you get nervous, you shit yourself.

You can't go back there.

Yeah, I poop my penny.

You know what they do to girls like me in jail?

Oh, fuck.

Wait, Nick, what is your real birthday party?

Do you have any real birthday memories?

We went to Dave and Buster.

Yeah, we went to.

Actually, that was pretty fun.

Yeah, yeah.

But I mean, as a child.

Yeah.

I had a bowling alley one that was pretty fun.

Nice.

Yeah, which I didn't even, I mostly didn't bowl.

I just

played Time Crisis,

Time Crisis 2.

And then there was

a kid that I had been friends with years prior who I had just never seen again, who was just like happened to be at the bowl.

Yeah, I was like, oh, shit.

That's wild.

I was like, what are you here?

It's my birthday.

I was like, oh, happy birthday.

It was great.

Hell yeah, man.

Yeah, that was a nice birthday.

And then we went to the Holocaust museum.

And we did that.

Why did you even make me tell a sincere moment?

I wanted to know a sincere moment.

Who gives a shit about that?

This is a comedy podcast.

The fans.

Well, did you guys ever fuck around with Skateland or Skate Rinks?

No.

Oh.

Skateland rule, dude.

They'd have that fucking horrible ass pizza you'd put.

My stepsister's

rolling rink all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I never.

And you know what?

I did for my cousin's birthday.

I went, she had a roller skating thing.

Yeah, I was terrible.

We had one

too.

We had one at this place, Crystal Palace.

Nice.

And I remember one year they'd like announce all the birthdays, and it was my friend David's birthday.

And they're like, and you'd skate in the middle.

For people who don't know, Crystal Palace was like this place in

Las Vegas where you could trade methamphetamine to have sex with Adam's mom.

Well, we were at Crystal Palace and then the Nazis came.

Yeah.

And then they broke all the Nachtsal Palace parrots.

And it was the Nacht of the.

So it was your birthday, and they call you into the middle of the day.

That wasn't that funny.

It was my first stripper named Crystal Nacht.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

That's fun.

I'm Creistol.

She comes out, she dances to Wagner.

Yeah, baby.

Puts a glass in her pussy and breaks it.

It's gonna be hot, dude.

That's all I want.

Just a woman to do crystal knock with her pussy.

That's a movie I'm starting in called Fival Goes Down

on a Down Ass bitch.

There's the mouse eating pussy.

That's animal.

What about a Fival sequel called Five Old Gets a Tattoo on His Forearm?

his wrist?

So Mouse was technically

a prequel to Five Old before they came over to America.

I guess, yeah, Five-Old, they did explain.

No, because it's all supposed to be about the Holocaust, right?

Because there's cats and Five-Old.

Is Five-Old about the Holocaust, too?

No, Five-Old's about Jews.

It's more like Ellis Island Jews.

I think it's probably

pre-Holocaust.

No, that's Fival Goes West.

Oh, okay.

At the beginning of Five-Old Goes West, he has a newsboy cap from the first Five Old, and he puts it inside out.

Oh, there's a first Fival?

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know that.

All American

technology literature and fiction is about the Jewish-American experience.

That's true.

In the 1900s.

Especially

Showgirls.

The movie Showgirls.

That's Elizabeth from Save Berkeley.

Berkeley.

She's Jews in that.

And the guy that fucks her, that's Hitler.

Yeah.

Like

Wallace and Grommet.

Wallace is supposed to be Jewish, and then Grommet, the dog, is supposed to be another Jewish guy.

Oh.

And the relationship they have is just a relationship between two Jewish men.

Oh, that's pretty good.

They live together in a

homosexual relationship.

Just a homo-friendly relationship.

Homo-friendly.

They're just two gay friends.

Man, you know what's the funniest shit in the world?

To look at the Rooms Wanted page for the Los Angeles Craigslist.

It's just nothing but predatory gay guys.

100%.

That's awesome.

What I'm offering is a room to share.

We share a bed, share a shower.

It doesn't need to be sexual.

It can be if you want.

Maybe we can suck each other's dicks.

But it doesn't.

I'm just looking at somebody, a place to stay.

It can be if you want.

Just post on the fucking fuck part of Craigslist.

It's all those thin mustache gays, like the older.

Well, anybody on Craigslist is a fucking predator, anyways.

That's true.

Yeah, all those guys are just like, you know,

what they get out of it is the idea of taking advantage of somebody that needs a place.

Right, right, right, right, right.

I told you guys when I was looking for that place in DC, that Michael Jackson cult that I walked in on.

That like old gay guy with like the thin mustache and the fedora.

I was like talking to my dad, and I was like, yeah, I haven't found an apartment yet.

I've just been visiting places.

I have some friends there.

You need to meet my Michael Jackson cult.

And I'm like,

hang up.

And then there's this like old gay dude And he's like, he's like, hey, like, we got some apartments for rent in this building.

Like, if you want to come check it out, really?

Yeah, I was like in Logan Circle.

Like, before it was nice.

And then I went in the building and all the apartments were pretty small.

He's like, yeah, so we have a community of El Salvadorian immigrants and gay men.

And I was like, okay, that's chill, I guess.

And then, so we're like walking around the building and he's like, it's mainly studios.

And then he's like, and at the end of the hall is my apartment.

And I went into his apartment.

I just just passed by the El Salvadorian immigrants, and I'm like, please help us.

Tango los Aids.

Anyway, so he's like, yeah, at the end of the hall is my apartment, and I've done it up nice.

You want to come see it?

And I'm like, oh, okay.

And then, like, I walk in, and it's like the gayest place I've ever been.

Like, all the walls are painted black, and there's, like, there's just the, like, Louis XVI, like, fucking busts of, like, you know, like...

statues and shit.

And then there's these like two muscular like South American Brazilian dudes in their underwear like on the couch.

And like they're just waking up.

They're like, yeah, he's like, hey, this is Orlando.

You know, like, and whatever the other guy's name is.

He's like, these are my friends.

They're just saying over.

What?

He's like, everyone, this is Florida.

He's like, everyone, this is Adam.

Like, I just want you to.

He was on the phone outside to his father, and he was so scared.

And he was trying to find a place to live.

And I told him to come look in the building.

They just thought you were some like Midwestern twing.

They thought I was like a trainer.

This is Adam.

He's looking to get paused up.

So So let's shut the door.

We're going to have these El Salvadorian immigrants

be a chambermaid.

By far the weirdest part.

Please,

Policia.

Miels.

I just want to go back to Joam Depot.

At the Joam Depot parking lot.

But I can get drunk and drink monster energy all day long.

Wear my affliction shirt and eat empanadas from the truck.

Anyway, by far the weirdest part of the whole thing, right before I left, I turned around back towards the door.

And then next to the door, he had this shrine set up with like all these pictures of Michael Jackson, like

a feather boa, and it was like a shrine set up to Michael Jackson.

I was like, it was like right, he hadn't died like, I think

A year before that.

Okay, okay.

And I was like, oh, shit, like, R.I.P.

And then he's like, he's like, yeah, actually,

I happen to think that Michael is a deity.

He's a heavenly creature that was sent here to earth.

And

the thing is,

everyone said he did those horrible things, but if you know the truth, the truth is he did not actually have any genitalia.

And so that's why he's completely innocent because he was actually, he was an angel.

And he was all smooth down there.

He really thought he didn't have a dick.

He didn't think he had a dick or a pussy or whatever.

Adam was outside and he was so scared.

He was outside on the phone.

What the fuck did you go into that guy's apartment?

I don't know.

I was looking for a fucking apartment, dude.

So, how did you get out?

You're like, I got a bad guy.

I was like, I got to go.

No, he didn't rape me.

No,

he was just like a friendly old thin mustache gay guy.

But if you grabbed his cock, you think he would have let you suck it?

I think I would have got me, Orlando, Florida, all of them.

I would have been a bad guy.

This is Orlando, this is Florida, that's Mickey Mouse, that's Scoofy, that's Disney, that's Walt.

I'm Cinderella.

Yeah, it's really that generation.

Let's see if the glass dildo fits in my ass.

Well, it's really like gay people are like accepted now, pretty much in society.

Not in my household.

No, they are.

I mean, they're uncertainty.

Unfortunately, yes, they are.

Every day I imagine having a son that comes out to me and I kick him out of the house.

I have fantasies about the conversation.

But

that generation of gay dudes, like the weirdos, the John Waters type dudes, those are the dudes that got the shit beat out of them really bad and were at Stonewall.

Yeah, good for him for getting sucked off.

Punching cops.

Yeah, good for that guy.

You should have been.

Thinking Michael Jackson was all smooth.

It's actually homophobic of you to not have sex with him.

He didn't make a pass at me.

He probably thought I was like some young street gay guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had like a backpack on and stuff.

Yeah, you were.

But I was on the phone as trans youth.

I wasn't trans.

No, he probably thought I was like just a he's like, I met Adam outside.

He is this dickless little trans girl.

He's all smooth down there.

Please, Missy's Adam.

Can you smuggle us out of here?

In your burlap sack with a dollar sign on it.

Could you carry around with you?

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I don't know.

I've never really lived anywhere weird in my life.

Except my stupid room right now, but it's not weird, though.

It's not weird, no.

I've never lived with gay men.

I think I'm about to...

I think I'm going to fucking charge.

I think I'm going to get a nicer room, dude.

Yeah.

You know?

Get real walls.

Come here, dude.

Come to Brooke.

I might.

We'll see.

Let's be roommates, dude.

Let's do it like fucking Dharma and Greg.

Yeah, dude.

Adam Greg.

Yeah, of course.

Adam or Dharma.

Because I'm spiritual.

Because you're Indian.

Dharma and Greg were married, though.

You got dull seams limbs.

We'd do it like...

No, Dharma and Greg, I fuck you.

We'd be Joey and Chandler.

I'm Joey.

Dude, we get lazy boys.

Yeah.

Watch

together.

Was that the implication of their children?

Absolutely, dude.

They got together to get hard.

At the very least, to get hard together.

To get hard next to each other in their matching ladies.

They were fucking nerds, dude.

Like, porn exists.

They were like single men living in New York City.

And plus, Joey fucked all the time.

Like, that was part of his character.

And Chandler didn't fuck.

I get that.

But Joey fucked all the time.

Chandler didn't fuck.

He was sarcastic.

He was the funny one.

Could I be any more of a FA?

Could I be any gayer?

I never really watched Friends, but

he had this little boy Chandler outside, and he was so scared.

Yeah, I'm just looking for a place to live.

Please, Mr.

Chandler.

Take us to Ross.

Bring us to Ross.

You will see us.

We want to meet Ross.

I never watched Friends, but my cousins from Israel were really into Friends.

And anytime I'd say something, they'd be like, Adam, you are such a Chandelier.

That is so chandelier of you.

There was a great, there's a great fucking part of Friends where it was just like they were just they were going brawless in the middle of the fucking life was

like a nine never Phoebe Phoebe's titties you could never see Phoebe didn't have tit though huh she didn't have a rat Phoebe's titties but well neither did really Courtney Cox I mean Jennifer Anderson I think I don't know who had the biggest tits out of friends I think it was Courtney Cox you what

What do you mean by that?

So no one told you life was gonna be a

big

man.

I literally just said that you fucking fucked your ass and fucking cocks off.

You said that?

Jessica.

Alright, I'm gonna start listening more.

I'm gonna start listening better.

It's like you've done a podcast before you shut up.

Adam, you're a faggot.

Please listen so we can have a better podcast.

I'll try.

We re-recorded this because of you,

and now you're blowing it.

I didn't blow it.

You have.

You're not even talking to the mic.

You know what I wish?

I wish.

There he is.

You got that.

You got that.

I wish you could get into like classic cars without looking like a dickhead.

Anytime I see a classic car, I'm like, that looks really cool.

And then you see the guy driving it and you're like, oh, and everybody.

Dude, you see that?

You know, like that a block away from me that there's like a four-car garage on green and St.

John's?

St.

James?

By you at your address?

By me.

Which is.

No, whatever.

There's like a four-car garage, and there's this dude that has has like he's like working on his cars all the time, and he has a 57 Chevy, and he's like out there.

It's beautiful.

It's like really fucking cool.

I don't give a shit about 57.

I looked in his, but I looked in his garage.

It's like the most common classic car.

It's like it is.

You see that everywhere.

I don't.

But it looks cool.

I mean, like, if you're like just walking, when I'm walking the dog.

Is that where people were getting fingered on Make Out Point and shit like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of people

are a lot of cool old cars around here.

There's like an old T-Bird around the corner.

Yeah.

There's like a big ass, like

big old Buick and shit.

I mean, there's cool stuff to look at.

Yeah, when cars were all 4,000 pounds.

Yeah.

There's a lot of that.

There was a lot of that in LA, too.

That's chill.

Yeah.

But anyway, that guy in his garage, I was like walking the dog, and I looked a little bit closer into the garage.

He's got like posters and stuff.

And one of the posters he has stuff is the Ken Burns Jazz documentary.

He has a funny.

It's a great documentary.

It's a good documentary, but it's like funny that he has it up in his mangrove.

Is he a black guy?

No, I think

he's like a kind of like a working class, like he might be a cop or something.

He's like an Italian.

So he's white.

Yeah, but he's like...

He might be Puerto Rican.

Is he a black guy?

And you go, no, I think he's like, he has a job.

He's working, yeah.

He's employed.

No, he's like,

taxes.

No, no, no.

He's such a piece of shit.

I didn't say that.

You literally did say it.

No, he's like a working class.

Working class guy.

Everyone thinks you're the most powerful.

No, you just cut me off before.

I'm not sure.

You wear crew neck t-shirts and stupid dad hats.

Crew neck t-shirts.

What?

You wear V-neck t-shirts?

No, I wear hoodies and jeans.

You don't wear t-shirts?

You're literally wearing a crew-neck t-shirt right now.

I meant sweatshirt.

I'm not wearing a sweatshirt at all.

You wear hoodie t-shirts.

You wear hoodie t-shirts?

Oh, yeah, with a hood, dude.

I wear tank tops with hoods.

You see that look?

Yeah, that's a good look.

That's a good look, dude.

I actually have have a couple of sleeveless hoodies.

Nice, man.

Yeah.

Winners out, guns out.

But you got snows out, guns out.

Snows out, hose out.

Fuck some guys in there.

I really got nothing here for snows out, hose out.

Your job's a joke, you broke.

You love life, Safe.

Your job's a joke, you broke.

You gotta save yourself, man.

You know, for money.

Amigos on NBC.

Did I tell you?

Please, senior.

It is me, Chandler.

I am the funny one.

I am

the funny guy.

You know, sometimes my roommate, Hoe, Hoey comes in and he says something, but the buddy is very dumb.

Hey, I'm a hoeie.

I want to eat tacos, man.

Could you be anymore?

You know, so stupid.

Could you este anymore?

You esteem anymore, stupid.

What's up, guys?

No, we're done.

We're already done with this.

It's Ross.

No, we're not doing this business.

It's me, Ross.

I already moved on.

We've already moved on from this.

Como vos dinosaurs, guys.

Bailio.

Nor stomp thinks the friends in Spanish is funny anymore.

So

we're not doing that bit.

bit.

Yeah, I kind of feel bad.

It kind of is like a caricature of a proud people.

Yeah, but see, we did it, and then we learned from our mistakes, and then you continued doing it.

You piled on.

It looked fun.

Yeah, piling on.

That's a hot topic this week.

You know?

I got something you pile on to.

Yeah.

Piling on to people.

Is it good or is it bad?

It's time for the people that...

actively engaged in it for years to come to the conclusions that the people they hated came to four years ago.

You know what?

After

shaming people for

years and years and years and like building a career off of it, I decided that now I'm going to shame the people that do the shaming.

Yeah.

You know, I think that's my next move.

I think after I get fired

after I get fired from

Cometown, I think my next career is probably going to be

Jappy, like sort of a Jappy screenshot journalist girl.

Nice man.

Yeah.

Is that when you finished your transition, you started in DC?

What transition?

What do you mean?

Hormones,

yeah.

When are you going to start hormones?

In DC, I started that transition.

I've been a trans woman for a long time.

No, I'm not a trans woman.

I got a new transition.

You do kind of look like Chelsea Manning.

Right now?

Yeah.

Well,

sort of like an army look about.

You're wearing red lipstick and you have blonde.

You bleach your hair blonde.

You're saying I look like a hero?

Is that what you're saying?

No.

Adam looks like Chelsea Womaning.

Nice.

Nice, bro.

Nice, dude.

Nice, bro.

You look more feminine than

her.

What do you mean by that?

You look like a woman.

Dude, I think it's...

You're sitting like a woman.

So what?

You're not denying it.

It's not like a woman, dude.

It's like

an intellectual kind of stuff.

You're right.

Intellectuals are gay.

Being smart gay.

I sit like an intellectual.

This is like an intellectual.

I'd like my daughters to sit intellectual style so no one can see their pussy whenever you're dressed.

I wish we could wear dresses, man, in the summertime.

Yeah, just get into kilts.

Kilts are so fucking Irish.

I was at a wedding.

It's such a fucking kilt, yeah, dude.

Oh, my God, Brett.

Yeah.

I was at a wedding like two weeks ago.

There was a kilt.

It's not even a fucking Irish thing.

And so many people have pointed that out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Scottish.

Your name is the Irish comic.

He's just got breath the Irish comic.

You go on stage and kill it with bagpipes.

That's Scottish.

Oh my god, that fucking rules.

Holy shit, this whole time I didn't put that together.

You what?

You didn't?

No, dude.

Oh, yeah.

No, it was.

Holy shit.

No, at the time,

everyone would be like, you know,

that's not.

It's like more of a Scottish thing that you're doing.

And be like, well, technically, you know.

But he was like from Milwaukee.

He wasn't like.

Yeah.

he wasn't even not even Irish.

He wasn't Scottish or Irish.

He had to go on stage every time like that.

I love comics that are themed like that.

Like, I see the headshots for the coach.

There's a guy who's just a coach.

He wears a leather football helmet.

And there's a...

Well, that's not even the coach.

That's the player.

But he had a whistle and he wouldn't wear that helmet.

Well, the coach used to wear a helmet.

In American football, the coach actually used to play part of it.

He would be on the field

during the game.

And if you you tackled the coach, you won.

Oh, he's like the king.

Yeah.

It was like chess.

Oh, cool.

It was more intellectual.

Oh, yes, yes.

I know about this as an intellectual myself.

Is that where you're sitting like that?

What the fuck?

So you can just call yourself an intellectual.

Public.

Oh, yeah, of course.

I'm an intellectual.

Intellectual just means you live in Brooklyn, right?

Stop's a socialist.

Yeah, I'm a socialist.

It means you tuck in your shirt and you live in Brooklyn.

That's what an intellectual is.

You don't have an actual job.

It means that you.

Intellectual is how how you pronounce those parentheses around someone's name.

It means you read,

what do you call it?

Infinite Jest on the train, so everyone knows how smart you are.

I told you my favorite train moment was that fucking guy pulling Catcher in the Rye out of

his coat bag.

Hell yes.

What the fuck?

How old was this guy?

I don't know.

He's like 25.

That's like a book for

a super cool, like, street fashion dude, like straddling the fucking doorway on a train.

Oh, yes.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, I feel stupid because I love Catcher in the Rye.

That's a good book.

But I just, that's when I stopped being smart is like when I was 16.

Yeah.

Well, you weren't smart then either.

No, I was smart, bitch.

Everyone thinks they're smart.

That's, that's like the, that's the most beautiful thing to witness is people who are like 22, 23, turning 24, realizing that their precociousness just maxes out, and then they're going to get progressively dumber.

Yeah.

And then they have like this fucking downward spiral.

Right.

Well, I'm not saying I'm still smart.

Yeah.

Like I was tall in sixth grade.

I'm not tall anymore.

We've been the same height.

I was the same smartness.

But my brain has turned to mush because all I do is fucking comedy and like, you know, beat off and like play video.

Well, I don't even play video games.

I don't know what I do with my days really, if I'm being honest.

But yeah, I used to be smart.

You could be smart and then turn dumb, which is what I've done.

I stopped reading.

I don't really write anything anymore.

I used to write all the time.

I feel like Chinese people stay smart.

Yeah, because they just, you know, they're about that work, you know?

They're about that discipline.

It seems like they're smart because you don't know what they're saying.

Probably some smart shit, dude.

Yeah.

It's all math.

It is math.

They're all doing division.

Two plus two, eight, four.

Nine square root

five hundred million.

Two, yeah.

Two times divided by fifteen.

Just translate.

Square root five geometry pre-calculus.

The derivative, nine hundred, two

$300.

We said, like, that in a corner we were doing one time.

The guy's like, hey, you come here, maybe $5, maybe $10.

Maybe

less.

Every sentence in the case.

$5, maybe $3.

Maybe less.

He's just always

haggling.

You come here, I give you a good price.

You have lunch today, pretty good.

$5, maybe $2.

Maybe more, maybe.

That was a fun character.

That was a good one.

The hackle guy.

That was the best, yeah.

Fuck, dude, my tooth hurts.

Does anybody know a good dentist?

Wait, your shit didn't get fixed by that.

It got fixed.

I don't think you've updated.

I don't even told anyone.

I was in LA for this.

I went to my mom.

I forgot my mom works at a dental lab, so she knows.

She sent you to a general contractor.

Yeah, no, she knows a fucking dentist, dude.

This guy rules.

But I had to get there at like a million dollars.

Is your mom's job to test the fake teeth to see how they hold up when a dick is put in between them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She chomps down hard as hell.

She gets new dentures and sucks a brand new dick every week.

Really?

Are you going to drag your mom like that, dude?

I think it's pretty disrespectful.

I'm telling you what her job is.

I'm shut the fuck up, dude.

Don't ever tell him how to interact with his own mother on this podcast.

You're welcome.

Thank you, man.

That's so fucking rude of you to fucking talk about my mom like that.

I'm about sticking up for my friends.

Thank you, man.

You know?

Why did you say that about...

There's a stigma about her job, man.

She raised three beautiful boys in in this country.

She did, you're right.

She deserves some respect.

First of all,

you don't know the gender of his brothers.

That's right.

Do you know how my brother George identifies?

Nick and George.

How does George identify?

George identifies as Sishet.

Nope, he's trans.

No, he's not.

Yes, he is.

That's not true, dude.

He's trans curious.

Actually, he told me the other day that he's been telling you that he's trans.

He whisper it into your ear from behind you while he fucked you in the ass.

Because he's trans curious.

But he's implying, baby that's not true yeah anyway my brother fucked you and my mom has a cool job at a dental lab that she's proud of and I'm proud of her and she got me the hookup at a dentist where I went there at 2 p.m.

and I just sat there and this guy like would work on my tooth he would do like five minutes of work every like hour so I was just fucking sitting in the dentist chair with fucking Novocaine and my shit watching Property Brothers that's fucking rules I like to imagine him like leaning back in the chair and like playing an electric guitar that's not plugged in.

Is your tooth fucked up still?

Oh, okay.

Is Novocaine like nitrous?

Like you do at like Grateful Dead concerts?

No, no.

That's different.

No, no, no, Caine.

What are you talking about?

People do Nitrous in the parking lot.

Yeah, no shit.

It's a gas.

What's Novocaine?

It's the inject.

Have you never gotten any kind of colour?

They inject your gums with that shit.

Yeah, they do the gas, don't they?

No, no, no.

No, they don't get in gas you to get a fucking cavity filled.

That's what they do to me.

I thought, right.

No, it's probably not.

I had a cavity when I was like young, but I don't really...

They gassed you, you were unconscious, and they fucked you.

Okay.

Well, anyway, stop.

How's your mouth?

Yeah, so this motherfucker, he, shouts out to the doc.

He ruled.

He didn't charge me.

I just had to stay there for like seven hours.

He kind of worked on me in between in between other patients.

And oh, also, though, shouts out to this guy.

He was like,

you're a comedian?

He was like, your mom tells me you're a comedian.

Do you do dirty jokes?

And he was like,

here's a dirty joke.

And he told me that joke about the nine-inch pianist.

You know that joke?

No.

You don't know that?

It's a comedian.

I mean, I can figure out kind of.

Yeah.

What is the joke?

He's like,

you walk into...

Some guy asked for...

He was like, a genie granted his wish, but the genie was hard of hearing.

He had there was a nine-inch pianist on the table.

He was like, yeah, I asked for a nine-inch pianist.

You can put it together.

I don't know.

I mean, I butchered the joke, but he asked for a nine-inch cock, but he gets like a nine-inch piano player.

That sucks, dude.

I would punch that genie in the fucking face.

If you had a genie, what would you wish for?

A 10-inch cock.

Do you want a bigger dick, Adam?

Are you not satisfied?

I don't know.

It really, like, my dick isn't that good, but it's, like, really hasn't failed me so far.

Sure.

Yeah.

I used to want it to be bigger.

When I'd see, like, porn as a kid, I thought that all dicks were that size.

I'd like to plump it up around the edges.

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I mean, obviously, if it was bigger, it would be hilarious.

It would be great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, like, I would take $100 million, I think.

Yeah, yeah, that's probably a good thing.

I don't want to be greedy, but I think I'd be happy with $100 million.

What would you do?

What would you do?

With $100 million?

Yeah.

Like,

half of it for just speculative investments to try and turn it into a billion.

Nice.

Just ask for a billion from the genius.

You really only need to make it.

That's no figure.

That's no fun.

I would get the house.

I would want to gamble a shit ton of it.

With 50 million, you could still do what the fuck ever you want.

Forever.

Well, I would ask for $1 million and get everything that kid in blank check got.

The boxing thing?

Remember the boxing thing?

That's pretty cool.

All that cost was a million.

Mr.

McIntosh.

Hell yeah, dude.

Well, he didn't get shit.

He already had a nice house.

Yeah, like a fucking cunt mom lived there.

Fuck that lady, though, right?

That's the implication.

Yeah, he had sex a bunch.

Let's do a gritty reboot of a blank check, and it's just a kid spending all his money on Hoover.

No, I was going to say.

No, I would buy.

Actually, I was already looking at a gold claim in Alaska that comes with its own barge.

And I was going to just move to Alaska and look for it.

Yeah, Nick Loki wants to be in Alaska, guys.

Well, they don't have property tax.

You also get paid for living there, too, because of the oil, I think.

I don't know about that.

I think you get like a $20,000 check from the government every year.

That's not true at all.

Maybe I made that up.

But yeah, I think everyone gets a check from the government for living there.

Well, they don't have property tax.

So, like, if you bought a house, let's say you bought a house, because

theoretically could buy property in the next two, three years.

Yeah.

But if you bought a house and you bought it outright,

you have like five years before the government will take it away from you if you don't pay property tax.

They'll just fucking just sell your house

as shitty as a bank would.

They'll just fucking

property taxes like here in New York City.

Tax sale on your house.

What's that?

Property taxes in New York City are surprisingly low, I've been told.

Yeah, but property price, the

property

assessment is through the fucking roof.

So like a low percentage doesn't mean shit if you're still paying $20,000 a year.

Yeah.

I'm never going to bribe property, dude.

Maybe I'll be a houseboat guy.

That's what I said.

After divorce too, I think I'll get to the business.

Do you get your parents' house when they die?

I guess.

I guess, yeah,

as the firstborn, yeah.

I think my parents still owe a lot on theirs, but I think they own it.

Yeah, they own that shit, baby.

I want to buy some property in Baltimore, you know?

Go back to B-moor, the favorite son.

If you had $100 million, you'd move back to Baltimore.

No, I'd buy a house just to go hang out with fucking Cal Ripken and shit, dude.

Go to the yard, go to Camden Yards.

Yeah, you shouldn't get a house.

You'd go to baseball, kid.

Dude, Camden Yards rules.

I mean, I'd go everybody.

You could do that right now.

Yeah, I mean, that's like if you had a, I don't think you understand how much money a hundred million dollars is.

I really have no clue.

A hundred million dollars is like you do, you do shit.

That's like that's the shit that fucking the super rich go do stuff, and you don't even know what kinds of forms of energy they're getting into.

Like going to like Bermuda,

raping an entire native population, and then like going back to Westchester for dinner

in a fight.

You take a G6 down there, you pull an old Adam Friedland Friedland on the.

You know that guy, Scott Storch?

Yes.

I think he blew 100 mil.

Really?

Or maybe like it was like maybe 10 miles.

He was rich.

He was a fucking hitmaker, baby.

He blew it on yachts and just he spent way too much money.

It's hard to blow that much money.

It is hard.

It's work to blow that much money.

I guess

I would open up a restaurant.

You know?

You would open a restaurant.

I would open up a restaurant.

Because I want to be a restaurateur, dude.

You know what I mean?

I want to be a fan of a ton.

It's actually a very tough business.

I know, but if I have $100 million, it's a pet project.

So I'm putting money into it.

You're like a patron of a restaurant.

I'm the patron.

I'm saying hello to everyone.

It's like you're a New York patron, but we're going to be able to do it.

Absolutely.

Sandwiches.

The finest

steaks and seafood right now, dude.

Wow.

Little surfing turf.

That's a great concept.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Steaks and seafood.

Stavi surfing turf.

That's what I call it.

And

the waitresses are all mermaids with clam shells on their titties.

Yeah.

And they all got big fucking juicy titties.

And

hmm.

What else?

I would give some to charity, you know?

No, I would not give any money to charity.

I learned that philanthropy is actually bad.

Really?

Yeah, it's not good to rely on.

You got to teach them how to fish.

No, you're going to teach them how to fish.

We just need wealth redistribution.

It's not going to be me that does it.

I'll support the idea, but until that time, we can't rely on charity.

So it's better to just not be charitable at all.

You know?

Because

you don't want to make people dependent on that.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah, respect on that, brother.

So my hundred million dollars, G6 down in Bermuda,

call it the code name is.

See the chief?

The code name is Davin Buster's.

We're going to take a little trip to Davin Buster's today.

Down there in the Bermuda Triangle, where ships disappear.

Oh, Oh, interesting.

What do you think happened to those ships?

Where's Bermuda?

Why are you snatched up by me and my $100 million?

Bermuda's not in the Caribbean.

It's in the Atlantic?

I would probably also try and get away with

tying a woman up and putting her on a train.

Oh, you'd become a villain.

Yeah.

I mean, well, that's what being rich is.

That is true.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you dress like that?

Would you have the little mustache?

I already have the mustache.

You need to get curlier.

I could.

I did until like three days ago.

I guess that's true.

You never notice when you change yourself.

They switched it to goatee.

Yeah, it go it's a goatee season now, isn't it?

God, I wish I could grow a nice one.

I think all I do probably calf implants.

Yeah.

Your legs are scrawny.

Instead of just going to the gym and exercising?

No, I get the implants, probably.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I get liposuction.

No, I would never get calf implants.

You get liposuction.

Yeah, I get liposuction.

I'd be sexy plugs.

No, I just grow my hair out again.

I would probably try to find a beautiful wife that doesn't love me for the money, but that doesn't exist.

That's how you end up like Ed Sheeran.

Yeah.

Who's

toxically masculine?

The poster boy of toxic masculinity.

That fucking tomato.

That singing tomato.

Who got cucked, I think, by his friend.

Ed Sheeran, dude.

He's like the Garfield.

He's like the Garfield of pussy.

Instead of Mondays,

he hates pussy.

Ugh, girls.

The Garfield of Pussy.

I kind of like that as a title.

It doesn't make any fucking sense.

He's orange, he's round, he's grumpy.

Okay, you know, he doesn't like Mondays.

I know, but the Garfield of Pussy, for some reason, sounds like someone who fucks.

I know it doesn't make sense.

No, that's like that's one of those weird British royal titles that's like next down the list in ascendancy.

The Garfield to the crown.

Yeah.

Winsley Dusseldorp,

the ninth Earl Garfield of Pussy,

Shire of Wales.

Fuck, I'm the Odie of Pussy.

I'm the normal of Pussy.

I'm actually Normal.

Adam's the John Arbuckle of Pussy.

You're John Arbuckle, especially the one where he drinks cum.

He drinks doggum.

He drinks dog cum.

It's awesome.

It honestly is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Did we ever tell the

wholesome ass bullshit?

This guy just draws out of nowhere, makes one where he drinks coffee.

The veterinarian is like, Congratulations, you're going to father some puppies.

Like, first of all, why would you just drink a cup of

in a doctor's office?

Yeah, why is that out?

Why do you have dog cum just out in that veterinarian?

Also, John, Jim, whatever the fuck, John Arbuckle,

you don't look at it and smell cum?

Well, dog cum smells different.

So it smells like coffee?

It smells like cum.

Kim thinks he's drinking coffee.

So cum and coffee have nothing to do with it.

John thinks he's drinking.

You're John who drinks cum.

Nick, I guess you're Garfield, and I'm Normal because it's the cute cat.

Normal's a boy, by the way.

There's another cute cat.

I'm not Garfield.

I'm Roy, the rooster, from the U.S.

Acres.

Okay, you're Roy, I'm Nermal, the cute little cat.

Who's still good?

And again, you're John who drinks cum.

Yeah, you're John because you dress like John, you look like John.

You know, because I have a job, guys.

I guess.

Do you have a job?

Aren't you getting fired?

It's kind of a quit-fire situation.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going full cum these days.

You start beating off?

Yeah, I'm going to jump off all day.

No, guys, I got a couple of passion projects I got to start focusing on.

Passion pay, like preparation defense.

I've given eight years to the paralegal profession.

And

it was a passion of mine.

It was probably the passion of my life.

The passion of the Christ.

It was the passion of the Christ.

Have you seen that movie?

You should really, you should really look at it.

I

look at some hard truths.

I saw it in the theaters.

You and your synagogue went and cheered.

No.

Woo!

Straight up.

I think Phil said that him and his synagogue saw Passion Pitch.

That's awesome.

Clapping like black people watching movies.

No,

I went on one of those days.

Me and my friend used to like pay for one movie and then see like three, four movies.

Like when we were in like middle school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd rather just watch movies in my house, dude.

Oh, man, that's awful.

You

stole Gibson?

You stole your way into Passion of the Christ.

Oh, that is pretty.

You saw Passion of the Christ, but I did not give that man a dime of my money.

And by doing so, proving everything he stands for.

I'm still laughing at Adam printing his own coupons for the bank.

These are two for one twenties.

Sir, that.

He can't get discount money.

We'll read the fine print, my friend.

Oh, fuck, that's funny.

Coupons at the bank is really good.

I have this coupon for more money.

Oh, fuck.

I want to fucking.

Damn, dude, I'm getting hungry.

Maybe I should take more Adderall.

Do you want to have, we're going to have to have a late dinner here?

No, I don't want to eat it.

I'm burning up, dude.

I don't want to eat late at night, dude.

I'm trying to lose weight.

Are you sick?

No.

I have been sleeping all day, and

you know.

Yeah, what did you do today?

Nothing.

Nice.

Absolutely nothing.

I scheduled an eye exam for tomorrow.

Got a nice little $35 Groupon eye exam.

Not bad.

Because I broke my glasses.

Not bad, my friend.

Yeah.

You need glasses?

What do you mean?

I sat on my glasses and broke them.

Really?

Yeah.

Nice.

What kind of glass do you get?

You powerful ass.

I don't know.

But I'm doing the thing this time where I just get the prescription and then I buy

the frames online.

Nice.

You get it from China.

Zenny Optical.

Yeah, dude.

That's my plug.

Don't take my Zenny plug.

First of all, let's stop plugging shit because it might

conflict with some of our real sponsors.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, someone

sent me a thing for a sponsor.

I didn't tell you.

I didn't have a sponsor.

But he said that only I could have the money.

It's a joke.

That's not how it works.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's a.

No.

It's.

Fuck you.

This is a bad idea if you have somebody like him.

No, he's getting free advertising.

Fuck him.

After listening to the most recent premium episode, we couldn't think of a better spokesperson for.

I'm not going to say the name because they haven't given me any money.

We would like to extend a generous offer to you.

None of the funds are to be distributed to any other members of the podcast.

Can't refuse

in exchange?

I would say that

I don't really know how to say it.

I don't really know what the

it's fake.

I mean, I think it's a joke.

Oh, yeah.

This is a DM.

This isn't a fucking.

It's a DM.

You guys keep talking while you're looking at this.

So, grilled cheese, what do you think of it, Adam?

I think it's nice.

Dunkin' a little tomato soup.

But it's got to be a bisque.

It's got to be a little creamier.

Just like that.

I fuck with the bisque.

You know what I'm saying?

That's hotly, my friend.

You know what I'm saying?

A seafood bisque.

But like tomato bisque, tomato bisque.

Hasil?

Yes, my bisque.

And then you dunk

grilled cheese.

That's good.

What kind of cheese do you want to put in your grilled cheese?

Do you ever mix them?

Yeah, you can go with different.

Maron.

You get American Swiss and cheddar?

This is fake, dude.

It's fake.

You fucking idiot.

Well, listen, I didn't think it was.

It says for funded by the Koch brothers.

Well, I didn't think it was for funded by funded by the fucking fucking fucking kids.

You fucking idiot.

God damn.

You know what?

I'd like to do a plug for Halki's Custom Woodwork.

That's my dad's actual business.

I'm serious, though.

They have to pay the shit.

If you need some woodworking done,

you know, go to Halki's Custom Woodwork.

And you want to.

All right, all right, all right,

we got to end this one on some kind of bit.

Okay.

This has been so unfunny.

Yeah.

Ever since Adam decided to make this episode about money,

it's just become incredibly grating and boring, and it ruins the tone and the spirit of what we start to do.

Guys, if you need to destroy the like, I mean, my grandfather's not alive, so I don't really care.

No, stop making everything about you.

All right.

We're going to talk, we're going to end this one talking about our favorite TV dinners.

Okay.

I like Hungry Man.

Me too.

Well, good episode, guys.

Good talk.

What kind of hungry man would eat a TV dinner?

That's good.

He would get a sandwich.

That's really good.

From the deli.

Oh, yes.

Uh-huh.

A big pastra sandwich.

What kind of hungry man?

Who's why do they call them TV dinners?

You don't eat the TV.

Yes.

I'll have mashed potatoes with some mat lock.

You know when you like fucking, you're like falling asleep and you have some bullshit fake idea for a joke, and you're like, oh, I got to write that down.

You're like,

I dreamed.

Shut the fuck up.

Let me tell you.

So, this is the one I had

the other night.

I was like asleep.

And I was, you know, where you imagine you're doing a bit.

And I was like, you know, that song

about the Hey, Mr.

Tally Man, Tally Me Bananas.

That's like song is actually about how shitty the job is.

And there's this like dangerous spider or whatever that live, the Brazilian wandering spider that lives in the banana bushels.

And then it's like the most deadly spider in the world.

And the banana, the guys that cut down the banana like

bunches or whatever the fuck they're called, they get bit by these spiders and they just die.

Holy shit.

Yeah, it's like a.

Wait, is that real?

Yeah, there's a line in the song that's like something, something, the scary tarantula or whatever.

They like come and we want to go home.

So you're up all night getting bit by these like tarantulas who live in the bananas or whatever.

And then I was like in my head like doing a bit about like, yeah, but maybe if they wanted people to feel bad for them, they wouldn't have made the song so fun.

I'm like, wow, that's a really good joke.

Yeah, it should be a somber tune.

Yeah, and I remember waking up in the morning being like, oh, what was that good idea for a joke I had?

I'm like, oh, god damn it.

I guess I'm back to not having written a joke for a year and a half.

I'm telling you, man, I had like, it was Subway Jared was.

good bitch.

That was the last good news.

He broke you.

He didn't break me.

He broke you, but no one could ever break me.

I'll break you, bitch.

I'll fucking break the two of you.

I'll break you and I'll fuck you.

Do you think you'd do well as a POW, Nick?

A prisoner of war?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I assume you adopt that music.

You're indomitable spirit?

No, because I'm already.

You know, it's like the Hulk.

My secret is that I'm always angry.

You're always angry.

Yeah.

No, I don't know how I would do as a POW.

I wouldn't.

I could probably adjust I would have to the living conditions.

You would definitely be the best out of all three of us.

I'd fold immediately.

I'd rag.

The idea of not having freedom, though, is like that's something that affects me deeply.

But living in like a cage, I would probably have no issue with eating bugs and shit.

Even the physical torture.

Being far away from my loved ones.

I think all of that would not be a problem.

But the idea of not being able to leave whenever I wanted would fuck with me.

If you were a part of a free-range prison, you'd be okay.

No, any kind of prison would not be okay.

Well, you know, like where like all the guys in the unit are.

I mean, you guys are treated terribly by the Japanese or whatever, but like your commander's there, you make up songs to like to like

survive and

pass the time away.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

That seems fun.

I don't know.

I went to Hogan.

It seems funny.

It would be cool to be in

a Cambodian POW camp and they just still let you do your podcast.

podcast.

If they let us

good morning,

Cambodia.

Oh, it's me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, shut up.

Only I'm allowed to do the impression.

If you do it too, I'm going to kick your fucking ass.

There's only one guy that's going to be.

Oh, it's Wednesday, bitch.

I'm also doing it.

Dude, shut the fuck up, fat motherfucker.

You're listening to the Robin Williams podcast.

Oh, it's me, Robin Williams.

And it's me, also, Robin Williams.

Don't tell me what to do.

No, I'm Ringo.

He's Ringo, Ringo Williams.

He's the Ringo and Robin Williams.

Hey, who?

Ringo Williams.

It's basically his career.

It's just that kind of shit.

Ooh, now I'm Poone Tracy.

I'm Ringo Williams.

All right.

Ringo Williams is pretty good.

Yeah, I guess.

That's it.

I want to go to mob prison.

Let's talk about that in another rep.

Yeah.

Mobs have prisons?

Hour, five minutes, 23 seconds.

That's a long.

That's a free five minutes for the fans.

Why don't you apologize everybody, for making us delete the other one?

I didn't,

it was technical difficulties winking.

Stop it, guys.

Are you going to apologize?

No.

I apologize to no one.

And to the individuals that called me the K-word for us being late on the episode,

I'm not afraid.

And you can keep calling me that the rest of my life.

I'm not going anywhere, folks.

Oh, actually, you're a dumb bitch.

Oh, fuck you, Adam.

Oh, we got a special camp just for boys like you.

Heinrich Adams.

You see that movie?

He was in a Holocaust movie.

Oh, you know what I love?

It's twins.

I love him.

You can bring twins and bring them in to experiments on them.

Just Patch Adams Mangaly.

Yes.

Mangaly with a rubber red nose on it.

Oh, what do we got here?

Twins.

Let's inject some hot water into the brains.

This one's dead oh look it's a zombie let's do an improv bid with his dead body

let's make him talk black oh yeah i'm gonna put my arms through his and pretend i'm driving

all right

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