Ep. 54 – New Characters

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Oh, did we start?

Yeah, we just started.

Adam, what did you just say?

He was saying something before, and we started.

I wasn't saying anything.

We're having a nice night here.

We got some animal crackers for Stavros.

Yeah, I'm trying to lose weight with this cocksucker.

So we buy them.

These cocksuckers came in with MM cookies, which I fucking love.

Animal crackers, which are a little dicked as hell.

And a fucking.

Oh, these aren't even the.

These are off-brand animal crackers.

Oh, they're zoo crackers.

Zoo crackers.

Animal crackers.

Zoo wafers.

Animal crackers rule because you could do the fucking ISIS beheading video with them.

That's true.

You can also make them fuck.

Yeah, and you can make them fuck.

You can fucking

kill them and make a beheading video with them.

Well, you know, you think just Muslims behead people?

You know, you just eat their heads off.

You know, that's fun.

Yeah.

And A, what does that have to do with ISIS?

B.

ISIS beheads, and you could behead an animal cracker.

Do they behead animals?

They behead people.

They behead people, but you can act like

gingerbread man.

That's what you're saying.

Oh, gingerbread.

Looks like we found out Adam doesn't know what animal crackers are.

I think that all animal, that we are part of the animal kingdom.

Animal crackers, like that's what I call mixed-race people.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck, dude.

That is a good one.

I couldn't help myself.

Alright, delete the episode.

I was doing the setting.

I'm not worried about people coming after me.

I'm just...

They already did.

That is a good fucking.

Damn.

I'm not Mr.

I've got problems in my DMs.

Yeah, well, fuck you, rapists.

It's not a nice.

Well, Adam, you know, don't shoot the messenger.

Don't shoot the messenger.

All right.

I won't.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, so zoo animal crackers.

Yeah, I don't appreciate this, man.

I'm hungry and I'm not sure.

It's by Austin, the company that makes those little peanut butter sandwiches.

The peanut butter cracker sandwiches.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The square.

No, the square ones.

They're like cheese.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

Those are good.

But they also make peanut butter sandwiches.

Austin Farms,

official sponsor of the podcast.

They called me up.

It's the same guy that founded the company in 1871.

He's still alive.

Really?

Yeah.

He's like, after I wasn't allowed to keep slaves anymore, I wanted to get into peanut buttercrackers.

And so I sold a couple of my remaining slaves illegally to a Spaniard.

And

I bought this farm where I make snacks for children who don't need to buy their lunch with stamps.

It's the fancy lunch.

Yeah, excuse me.

Are these the same food stamps that black people get?

Yeah, I don't want none of that.

Out of context,

that one seems kind of problematic.

Well, everyone knows Ralph.

We've already gone friends.

Oh, yeah, Ralph's back.

Hey, what's up, y'all?

Yeah, we have a

stew.

We got Ralph.

I should have drank some of this coffee.

Ralph and the stew.

Yeah.

Ah.

Oh.

Ah.

That's some good Joe.

Our coffee is brought to you today by

caribou coffee.

Oh, nice.

Caribou.

It's like Starbucks, but for

Alaskans.

I don't even know.

I don't know.

Who is that?

It doesn't matter.

I feel like we've already broke the racist seal.

Yeah, this has been a pretty racist one up top.

You know who I'm talking about.

That's my favorite because you make other people do the work.

Of course.

You make them be racist.

And it's more than like, you know, like that Louis C.K.

bit.

It's like, when you say N-word, then I have to say the actual N-word in my head.

Yeah.

It's like,

no, you don't.

Yeah.

You're just not.

You're thinking it.

You know what N-word?

I can hear the N-word and just think, oh, the N-word.

I can't, dude.

Really?

I'm thinking it a lot right now.

Yeah, you just have a southern man in a colonel uniform shouting.

That's 24-7.

Yeah.

I have no relief that

But when you say a couple of you-know-whats, that way, you know, somebody learns something about themselves.

Yeah.

Their most deep-seated biases.

You know, who usually does the learning, right?

Oh.

Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

A couple of learnies over here.

Yeah, Lernie Sanders.

A couple of learned boys.

Damn.

Man, so we all went to see Alien Covenant, and it was great.

Yeah, I loved every minute of it.

It was so good.

Probably the best of all of the Jurassic Park movies.

Oh, yeah.

I loved when Sandra Bullock comes out.

Yeah.

And the Alien Covenant.

Can you see her tits for a second when the bus goes past

that cop car?

If you pause it, you can see Sandra Bernhardt's tits.

Wait, can you actually see Sandra Bullock's tits and speed?

Yes.

Nice.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen the porn that's edited into Rescuers Down Under?

It's very funny.

Because, you know, like, remember all that shit people said are subliminal messages in Disney?

Yeah.

And they show it to you and it's just bullshit.

You know?

Well, there's one.

The priest in Little Mermaid looks like he has a boner.

Yeah, but it's like...

Well, most of them are, yeah.

It's stuff like Aladdin whispering, like, take off your clothes.

Yeah.

You know, which is.

It says sex in the clouds.

Yeah.

Sex in the clouds, Lion King.

Yeah, but that's.

It's like barely there.

Yeah.

Rescues Down Under, somebody like, just put pornography in the movie.

It's just like a name.

Wait, in the actual movie?

In the actual movie.

Like a frame of pornography.

No, it's not a frame.

It's like there's like a mine cart or something.

I've never seen the whole movie.

I've only seen the part with the porn in it.

Cool.

Nice, man.

And because you know what?

When I was a little kid, I said, fuck this imagination stuff.

I'm jacking off.

Hell yeah.

When would you first jack off?

Six and a half months old.

As soon as

I teeth on my own dick,

I fucking did baby yoga.

My mom put me in baby Pilates, and I learned how to suck my own dick.

You're just gumming your little cock.

That's why my teeth are so small now as an adult.

You still to this day file them off on your dick?

Yeah.

Damn.

You have a very thick cock skin.

Yeah, of course.

There's a lot of calluses.

As an infant, they had one of my ribs removed.

I wonder if babies could suck their own dick.

I think so.

I think they probably could.

Because they have such weird proportions.

They suck their feet easy.

Easy.

So I'm thinking they could probably get their own cock.

You know what I mean?

That's where I'm my head's at now.

You could probably bend a little bit.

You could put a baby's cock in his mouth.

I don't know if he wants it to.

You guys can't self-suck?

Can you self-suck?

You know who can sell it?

I got it one time.

You did?

I did it one time when I got it one time.

Really?

Yeah, when I was like around that age.

Yeah, 13 or 14.

I'm jealous.

13 or 14.

It's easier before you grow taller.

Yeah, it was before the growth spurt.

Yeah.

I was maybe like 5'1 at the time.

Really?

How long did you have it in your mouth for?

Just a couple seconds.

I didn't come in my mouth.

It's weird.

It's really weird to have a cocktail.

You do it.

You do it.

And then you're like, this is going to be great.

And you're like, oh, I just have a dick in my mouth.

Yeah, exactly.

It feels really weird.

It doesn't feel, it feels way more like you're sucking dick than you're getting your dick sucked.

Right, yeah.

And this is going to sound like a joke, but there was something like oddly familiar about it that was triggering for me.

I mean, I don't

believe that repressed memory.

I wonder.

God damn, dude.

Wow.

This shit rules.

Nick was just so molested.

He just was so molested.

He was felled down and raped by a fucking comedian and

a carpenter, carpenter, and they just all took turns.

Nick was raped by a clown.

Yeah.

Like, it just completely makes his behavior completely makes sense.

Why are you documenting me being raped?

Oh, fuck.

So, yeah, so you sucked cock as a baby.

Well, my own.

Oh, maybe it was from T that.

I was folded up.

Yeah, that's what's familiar about it.

I was folded up.

With my armadillo-like defense mechanism.

I curl into a ball and suck my own.

Incredible.

If you see a video of that, amazing.

They just turned it into a basketball out of nowhere.

It would be cool if you could roll up, like that was your power to roll up and start sucking your own dick.

You're covered in armor.

Just a wheel going through the streets.

It's a guy inside coming in his own mouth.

Yeah.

That's why it's the state animal of Texas.

Texans love self-I thought it was Arkansas.

There's nothing that embodies the independent Texas spirit more

than a man

bending over and sucking his own dick in the middle of the desert

in defiance of government and God.

And he can make up his own currencies.

Oh, fuck.

So,

were you now the way you sucked your own cocks, was it the reverse where you're on your back and you put your hands on your back?

Yeah, you legs?

You throw your legs everywhere.

This is a way to your legs to push your hips towards your face.

I was never even close, unfortunately.

I was limber, though.

You know?

Well, you weren't able to tie your shoes until three months ago.

Get off your phone, Adam.

I couldn't.

I have to send those.

No, you don't.

Get the fuck off your phone.

You have to.

First of all, you're using my wire without permission.

I didn't say you could fucking charge your phone with my wire.

That's fucked up, man.

You're stealing a man's electricity.

Yeah, I'm going to charge you for that electricity, by the way.

well that's pretty roll reversal there

but now he knows how it feels

it's so funny that's the only way they're gonna learn it's so funny ovens didn't work it's time for usury it's so funny that you guys use those stereotypes on me when i'm bad at money i'm bad at paying taxes i'm not that cheap i waste money on

the top is this for us or is this for the audience for the audience it's not for the audience that allows for the audience that comes at you with with value city coupons in your dms

I would take some Value City coupons.

I used to love that coupon book.

Hell yeah.

I do.

I would look through it and pretend I was going to go to that, like, I'm going to get Anderson Windows.

Look at all the money I'm going to save on

insulting.

All right, add window salesman to the list of guys who molested Nick.

Did you have to sell those for school?

How about a remake of Rear Window?

And it's like a guy with a broken leg, and he's like looking out the window, and then he sees a boy being molested across the street, and he just starts jacking.

Oh, boy.

Oh, geez.

I'm the luckiest man in the world.

That was good, Sav.

That little fracket.

Sav, your Jimmy Stewart's coming along.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, it's about time I got a voice.

You got something.

It's just seeing everyone do horrible Jimmy Stewarts.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good go-to.

my car.

It's one of the easiest impressions.

It's like Walking

or Schwarzenegger.

Yeah, it's easy.

There's a boy across the street.

And he's got a dick in his mouth.

Oh, geez.

I just couldn't help myself.

You seen the recalls, the guy, the guy comes over with the boy.

Would you mind fucking him a little harder?

Have you seen

the rear window remake where

Shia LaBooth?

No.

The one with Christopher Reeves.

Oh.

Like right after his accident, they remade Rear Windows.

Yeah, dude.

Was that like him trying to be like...

He's like, I can still act.

And there's one very specific role.

He can play that guy or like whatever the fuck happened to Darth Vader in between like that fire hit and then they put him in the suit.

They made that Star Wars then.

Star Wars, where they just change his bandages the whole time.

I'm Darth Vader now.

He can't even speak.

That's all he is anymore, was a voice.

Yeah.

But they would have to dub over it, but James Earl Jones.

Yep, yep.

They should do all the Christopher Reeves movies.

They should remember that rear window.

But yeah, it's him in his fucking, his like motorized wheelchair.

And,

you know, there's a murder record.

We should actually watch it.

It's like very sad.

It's like sad to watch.

I don't want to watch it.

Yeah, let's do it.

Poor guy, dude.

Just fucking got got by a horse, dude.

Come on.

I mean, that's a rich guy.

That's a rich guy

way to get fucked up.

Like Sonny Bono, he got skiing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's true.

But, I mean, what happened?

The horse just kicked him off.

Yeah, but skiing is like.

He's playing polo.

Well, hold on.

Skiing?

Skiing is like, that's just him.

This is like Christopher walking or Christopher Reeves on top of a fucking horse that doesn't want to be jumping over these fences.

Horse was show jumping.

I think it was polo.

Well, whatever.

I mean, I have less sympathy for.

Hmm, Nick loves animals.

Sounds like a big one.

I don't love animals.

In fact, I hate animals.

That's not true.

I would bind, torture, and kill any animal.

BTK was like the last serial killer with a cool name.

I remember there was a couple years ago, there was a guy, and I saw it, I think, on local news, where they were like, and the police have emerging details about the man they're calling the East Coast rapist.

I was like, you got to put more effort into it,

the East Coast rapist,

the outside pussyfucker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He fucks all his women outside.

And new details are emerging about the guy that fucks children.

A serial rapist known as the man who comes inside children.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, oh, so he was playing polo.

That shit sucks, dude.

Polo sucks.

Was Christopher Eve a good actor?

I'll remember

Superman.

That's all I know him from.

Was he ever good at shit?

I don't know.

He was also in Smallville as another handicapped guy.

Smallville, hell yeah, dude.

Lana Lang or whatever.

Not Lois Lane.

Hi, Clark Kent.

Are you from Smallville?

Cause you got a small dick.

And then he beats that guy up.

I want to play the bully on that show.

Rips his cock.

I want to be.

She was pretty hot, that girl that played Lana Lang.

Dude, hell yeah.

What was up with her?

She was like half Asian.

Kind of Chinese.

Yeah, the good kind of thing.

Feeling kind of Chinese.

That's my jazz album.

Where I only play the black keys on the keyboard.

That's the trick.

If you want to play any Chinese song, just play the black keys on the keyboard.

I could do that one song where you just play with your knuckles.

That song.

Yeah, that one.

Is that called chopsticks?

No, chopsticks is a different song.

Chopsticks is a different one.

It feels like it should.

It feels like that one should be called chopsticks, you know?

Yeah.

Why are we confusing it?

Yeah, what is that song?

And why did it become synonymous with anytime a movie scene transitions to Asia?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because of great-ass sketch comedy.

The gong sound.

Oh.

Well,

so you guys only...

Now, I think we abandoned the sucking your own dick conversation a little too early.

You only did it once?

Yeah, I did it once, and I just got really like just the tip, really.

I couldn't go all the way.

Did you finish beating off after you sucked your own cock, or were you like, I need a second?

Yeah, like Nick said, it felt less pleasurable on the dick than it felt like I was sucking a dick.

You know, now would you suck a dick?

Uh, no, I mean, I don't plan on it, come on, but you know, that whole like conversation, like, why not, dude?

We've have we talked about, like, you know, like when guys are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, a million dollars for a million dollars, yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Nick showed me a picture of that lady with a giant ass on it, like the medically giant ass.

Why does she have an ass that big?

Shut up, dude.

This doesn't concern you.

This is about this is a real men's conversation.

This is Puerto Rican alpha rallatl snakes.

It is funny that it is like incredibly attractive.

What, big asses?

No,

this woman's disability.

This woman is like crippling.

She's going to be in a wheelchair by the time she's fucking 30.

What does she have?

How do you find pants for that?

Very carefully.

You know what I'm talking about?

You guys know?

Yeah, I got you.

So, yeah, just for the listener at home, there's this Instagram lady that Nick's a fan of whose is because of some sort of medical malady

the biggest ass of all time.

Yeah, and she's got a 70-inch ass.

And from the waist up, she's pretty hot.

Yeah.

But yeah, she has a cartoonishly large ass.

I'm going to say something.

That's too big.

Oh,

I can't.

How could you?

Does she have a tattoo on there?

Adam's not into it.

Adam's into

women that.

Oh.

It looks like she's just laying a sack of dough down.

Sorry, I know this is a piece of dough.

This is kind of too visual for the audience.

Yeah, but we're just going to keep looking at pictures.

Once you get sucked in, I try to get out, and I get sucked right back in to the world of

Instagram pogs.

You know what, pogs, right?

Oh, yeah.

Fat-ass white girl, dude.

Yeah.

One of the best cat porno categories.

Absolutely.

I love it so much.

Hands down.

Pog, baby.

P-A-W-G-S.

Yeah.

Adam doesn't know about it.

Yeah.

Don't tell him.

Don't know about BBW.

No.

Don't tell him.

He's not.

That's the difference.

You've never beat off the pogs, have you?

Like, girls with big asses?

No.

Fat-ass white girl.

It's a whole other category.

What?

Are they fucking black guys in it?

No.

No.

Racist?

You come on, dude.

So why are they identified as fat ass white guys?

What part of it's hot?

Didn't you understand?

Jeez, Louis.

I mean, look, sometimes, yes, they will fuck black guys.

I would say it's 50-50.

Most of the time, there's no fucking.

It's not hardcore, it's mostly softcore, but it's like twerking videos by like oh, no, I see I mean, they do have fuck videos, but like the Pog stars are like

K right, yeah, they do like twerking videos, they get popular doing twerking videos, and uh, you know, a lot of them have

medical disabilities, like this woman here.

That is what is it called that makes your ass that big diabetes.

Um,

What is the name of it?

Yeah.

Well, it's a combination of like some people just have huge ass.

Yeah, some women just deposit more fat in their ass for starters.

And then on top of that, she does have like some kind of lymph buildup, it looks like.

It just fucking tumor, like tumorous tissue.

She's got cancer.

She's got

perfectly round

ass fucking two.

What do you think weighs more, her ass?

Or me?

Her ass, for sure.

You think her ass weighs more than

140 pounds?

Oh, yeah.

This woman probably weighs like 240 pounds.

Nice.

And do you think she weighs 140 in the ass?

Yes, 141, to be exact.

Adam, you weigh what, like 92 pounds?

You really weigh a whole 140?

That's too much, dude.

You think I weigh less?

Yeah, you got fat, dude.

What the fuck happened?

You're 140 pounds now?

You're ugly, dude.

You've let yourself go.

You got to get thin.

I lied on my driver's license up on weight.

What'd you put?

150?

I put 140.

I was not 140 at the time.

You lied to 140?

I lied up.

I legitimately don't know the last time.

To feel like more of a man.

I don't remember when I weighed 140 pounds.

Like, I think it might have been third grade.

I'm not even kidding.

Really?

I've been, dude, yeah.

I weigh 260 right now.

Dude, I've gone through periods where I drink, like, two shakes, like muscle milks, like a day, go to the gym every single day, and the highest I've ever gotten is 145.

Really?

Yeah, but the only thing you're eating a bunch of

what you said, oh, I drink two protein shakes a day and all this bullshit supplements.

Yes, and chipotle burrito for lunch every day.

That's still only like 3,000 calories.

I mean, all I'm saying is, I can't put weight on just from eating.

I could put it on from weight training.

We should.

But the most I've ever gotten to is 145.

We should see.

That's just water retention, then.

Probably.

We should see if you can gain weight faster than I can lose it.

Yeah.

That's impossible.

That'd be fine.

I can make you gain weight.

How?

I will put you on a diet, I guarantee you.

And I know this is Lewis's thing, but Lewis has moved on to fidget spinners now,

which at first I thought was a joke, but that that seems to be 100% sincere.

Lewis has lost a lot of weight, too.

He was gone for three months, and he got AIDS and autism in a fucking.

Yeah, when we did this podcast, I told him he was looking good.

Yeah.

The fidget spinner is tough, though.

What is he doing?

What do you mean?

He brings it on stage?

She's posting tricks of him doing fidget spinner stuff, which is like, it's couched in a little bit of a tongue-in-cheek sort of thing, but you know, that means that he's been like into these things for months.

He's practicing.

He's practicing them.

He's got a whole collection of them.

He like flips them from hand to hand and shit.

He like won't let his son play with them because he's practicing his tricks.

It's like it's yeah, it's my dad did that with Super Nintendo.

He got really into Super Mario world.

He's like, I'd be like, yo, can I play?

He's like, just let me die one more time.

I was like, are you fucking for real?

That sounds really cool, man.

Yeah, your dad sounds cool.

Grown-ass man taking a little boy's game.

Yeah.

You're not allowed to play anymore.

I just like stay up at night trying to be Mario.

My dad was out.

Go back to your room for being gay.

Eat him.

You're gay.

You're gay now, Adam.

I'm Mario, and you're gay as Luigi.

You can play as Luigi because you're gay.

Luigi's not gay, dude.

Luigi fucks.

Luigi fucks.

Dude, Luigi can jump higher.

You got like a wallig vibe.

A walluig?

You're waluigi.

He's Wario.

Absolutely.

I'm Wii.

I don't have a mustache, though.

Get one.

I don't have one.

You can't grow one.

I can't really grow one.

I don't have one either.

But it's about spiritually, I'm definitely Waluigi.

Stop with a mustache.

Looks really funny.

I'm fucking double dragon, dude.

I'm both of them.

No, you're the toads.

You're battle toads.

You're the gay ass movie frogs.

First of all, battle toads are not.

Yeah.

You're the shark ones.

What were those?

Street sharks.

Street sharks was

street sharks is too cool.

You're not street sharks.

I am street sharks.

No, fuck you.

Shut up, you fucking Wario, bitch.

I'm TMNT, dude.

No, I'm not.

No, you're not, dude.

You're fucking Waluigi.

We already moved on from you.

I'm Mikey.

I'm a party animal.

And I'm a wisecracker.

I like pizza.

And I use an unchucked.

I'm Raphael, then.

Raphael, because you got a bad attitude.

I'm bad, dude.

I'm Casey.

Who's the

friend?

The friend who fucks April?

Yeah, the friend who fucks April.

Damn, that's the best one.

That's right.

Fuck.

You're definitely not double dragons or street sharks.

What's a gay video game?

You're that.

Yeah, dude.

dude.

You're Dr.

Mario.

You remember how much Dr.

Mario sucked?

Dude, fuck Dr.

Mario.

What was that game?

I don't know.

I was so excited.

I tried playing it one time, and I was like, I think this is trying to make me learn.

Yeah, it felt that way.

I don't know what it was.

It's boring, and it's fucking like, it's vaguely educational.

It was like a much more little dickhead version of Candy Crush, is what it felt like.

It felt like one of those puzzle games.

I honestly have never understood it.

I had Mario Paint, which is like you got a mouse for it.

Oh, yeah.

And

you could compose songs on it, and you could like make drawings and stuff.

But the thing that was shitty was like you couldn't keep the drawing, there was no like way of printing them out or anything like that.

Yeah, that's true.

On the Wii, it gave you, like, there was a painting thing on the Wii,

and when you beat a game, it would give you a picture of the game

or whatever.

And I got really good at drawing dicks, like very, like, photorealistic dicks.

And then, because a lot of people don't know that I am actually a.

You're not a bad artist.

I'm not a bad art teacher.

Okay.

Art teacher also fucked him when he was a baby.

Dude, you just got fucking gay.

The list is good, dude.

Yeah.

Just a bunch of guys waiting.

No, but I had one where I had this massive hog on Luigi where he's giving like a thumbs up.

Did you save it?

I di I did, but I mean, it was on a Wii that I

got sold or fucking.

I want to see that stuff.

Dude, the Wii sucks.

It didn't even have H D, right?

Well, no, the Wii is good because you can, like, pirate games real easy.

You can play all the Super NES games.

No, but you can play the flash.

You can play all the Wii games.

You can play all the Wii and GameCube games.

It's like exploits where you put it on an SD card.

Really?

Yeah.

You put this thing, you go to...

You can get one.

Yeah, if you'd like just how to soft mod a Wii, you just put an SD card in it, and then it'll like it does something.

I want to play fucking Gundam Robo.

You guys ever fuck with that shit?

I've been playing Metroid Prime because we have.

Metroid Prime's a great game.

Dude, it's too hard.

I'm not good enough at video.

Samus is sexy, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Samus could get the dick piece.

Wait, do you have the GameCube controller?

I have...

No, I have the.

Oh, because it was a GameCube game.

Yeah, no, actually, yes, I have a GameCube.

That was probably like one of five good GameCube games.

It was a, yeah, it was a really good game.

Yeah, I have the GameCube.

It like attaches to the remote, the Wii remote.

Yeah.

Oh, the

one with the white and SNES controller.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, that game was good as shit.

Dude, no, what's the...

I can't remember the fucking.

No, it was Custom Robo, I think, that I played.

That shit was cool.

You built your own robot and you fucking fought other robots and shit.

No, I don't know that.

Yeah, blasters and shit.

I think that's what it was called.

Fuck.

It was good as hell, dude.

I tried to buy it again.

It's like off the internet.

It's like $80 for the fucking disc.

Yeah.

Because your boy got a GameCube at home.

Oh, do you?

Yeah.

Shit, we should play GameCube.

Play GameCube.

Come over.

Well, Amber has a Wii.

Now, like, I was saying that.

Let's play Smash, dude.

I should have any of the wires for it.

Oh.

I don't know, but there's just a weed with none of the wires.

Should we steal it?

Well, I could hook that shit up once my console comes and I can have a

shelving for all my electronics.

My man out here, Nikki Mullen, out here, getting shelves and shit.

Yeah.

And subwoofers.

Yeah, I did somewhere.

Subwoofers.

I bought a shoe rack today.

Did you?

A shoe rack and some fucking

some wrinkle spray.

You ever fuck with that?

You ain't ever got to do fucking ironing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

You stretch, you spray and stretch.

Yeah, spitch.

That's really cool.

Like what I do to your ass.

You spray and then stretch?

No, it's the other way around.

Stretch and then spray.

Stretch and spit.

Spits, stretch, spray.

Yeah, yeah.

Is there another Star Wars movie coming out soon?

Yes.

In December.

Rogue One was so good.

You liked it?

I thought it was great.

I liked it.

I thought it was cool.

It was so good.

I thought it was so much better than Force Awakens.

It was much better than Force Awakens.

Force Awakens sucked my dick.

It's the follow-up to Force Awakens that's coming.

I thought the end of.

Yeah, that's a good one, dude.

Again, we're watching those Instagram models.

The end was cool as shit where they all suck each other's cocks.

No, I didn't want to spoil it.

I hate spoilers.

Even though we're well in our whatever to spoil, it's been a year.

Yeah, they got the new one coming out with Luke Skywalker, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's just been standing on that island.

Beating off.

That I can't beat off.

Hands-free.

That sucks.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, well, they just freeze.

And I hear hands-free, they disappear when hands-free become.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, you know how suck me off, and I will become more powerful than you've ever imagined.

It's like how Darth Vader.

Luke is just watching as Darth Vader fucking sucks him off

across the room.

It's like, BIN!

BIN!

And he just, the robe collapses.

A little mouth, a little glory hole appears on his mask.

and just opens up.

He's so good at sucking bacon.

No, no, he just

is the Sith choke to jack guys off.

Yeah, that's a good, yeah, that's good.

Yeah, yeah.

You fucked my father.

I am your father, and I'm gay.

And he uses a lightsaber to cut Luke Skyroxer's dick off.

He's hanging by his

hard cock.

No, he's hanging by his hand, but he still reaches down and cuts his dick off with the lightsaber.

No!

Oh, yeah.

And then the next movie starts with him getting his dick made put off by the robot, yeah.

That's cool, dude.

Oh, dude, I want a robot dick.

If you could have one robot part of your body, what would it be?

His just dick is Jack's arms.

Jack's arms.

That's good.

Yeah.

oh, one robot, one robot part,

but he has, he picked two, yeah.

Well, you're right, but it's like one piece.

Shut the fuck up, you connect two.

It connects two.

You said arms.

That's plural.

That's plural.

Why are you so fucking bad at all of these hypotheticals?

Every single fucking time.

Alright, ask me again.

No, you already blew it.

All right, ask me.

Ask me again, dude.

Please, Snake, what would you like?

A laser eye.

Ooh, fuck yes.

That would be cool.

Yes.

Ask me again.

I would probably legitimately do RoboCock.

Ask me again.

You know what?

No, I want one foot to be like bionic so I can jump high as shit and dunk.

That'd be pretty cool.

And then you land on the other foot, you punch it.

It just shatters

immediately.

Your shin bone goes up to your chin.

Well, so that's the end of that hypothetical.

What else do you guys want to talk about?

Ask me again.

You're so bad at these, dude.

Just one more time.

Okay, let's all name our favorite movie, and Adam's like, all of the Cassavettes movies.

I've only seen like two.

Yeah, but you don't understand how favorite works.

All right.

That's the problem.

If I could have one robot body part,

two laser eyes.

You motherfucker.

You fucking cocksucker.

Sorry, dude.

Dude, what the fuck?

I'm sorry, boys.

I'm sorry, boys.

I'm sorry, boys.

Take a breather, dude.

You're on timeout.

All right, I'll take two minutes off.

How about it's all?

I bet Adams would be like a robot prostate that can eliminate the HIV virus entering his body.

Authenticates.

It's a little sieve that gets

out of the little droid prostate that sits in his ass.

And it's like, what's going on here?

You're not Claire Frantry.

It's like a little gold prospector.

Am I still on timeout?

Adam just gets fucked in his ass.

Two minutes.

And then you just hear like,

and then he's like, R2.

R2, come on.

He's R2, do you get two prostate?

How long is two minutes?

You still got like 90 more seconds.

Yeah.

He's got he's got it's like projecting holograms of Princess Leia out of his asshole.

You have to help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

There's too much AIDS in this boy's ass.

Oh, boy.

So, what's today, Memorial Day?

Yeah, this is Memorial Day, and we need to represent.

Shout out to the troops.

Shout out to me.

I am a

Navy SEAL.

Really?

Yep.

I'm thinking about joining the Marines.

You think I should join the Marines?

I think you should join the Navy SEALs like me.

SEAL TEAM 6.

SEAL TEAM 6?

I'm actually, I was Delta Force first,

and then I switched to SEAL Team 6.

SEAL Team?

Delta Force is Army?

Yeah.

And then SEAL Team 6 is Navy.

Yeah, that's the Navy's guys.

The Navy's big deal.

I would probably be

Israeli Army.

The Hadessat.

The Krav Maga.

Why would you be the Israeli Army?

I said it as a joke.

Oh, because you like to oppress Palestinians?

No, I don't.

Is that the reason?

Have you talked on the podcast about the time that you you threw rocks back at those Palestinian boys while you were in Israel?

Right after you did that trip into D.C.

to lobby for Israel, you then went

over to Israel.

No, I'm polished up some nice rocks.

I'm anti-Israel.

I'm more into being a social justice warrior these days.

Remember that story you told about when you serviced yourself on an entire transporter crate filled with Palestinian boys?

I think that was off-Mike.

Yeah.

I don't think that's when we were getting lunch.

He mentioned that.

That was the plot of Transporter, right?

There was like one of those big cargo.

I was like, that is like Captain Phillips, right?

But the pirate is Adam.

And he's like, tell me these are filled with Asian women.

He takes over the boat.

Captain Phillips is like, what's going on here?

I'm Sully.

It's me, Captain Sully.

Yeah.

Good times.

Good times, man.

Good times, noodle salad.

What's that from?

It's a line from As Good As It Gets.

Ah,

old people fuck.

Good Times Noodle Salad.

Yeah, that's.

Wait, is that Jack Nicholson fucking Amanda Pete?

Is that right?

No, it's Jack Nicholson fucking Helen Hunt.

Helen Hunt.

There's another one called Something's Gotta Get.

That's the one I'm thinking of.

Where he fucks

Diane Keaton.

Diane Keaton, but first he fucks her daughter, right?

Something like that.

I don't know.

I mean, it's easy to confuse those two movies and only one of them is good.

Is it the one with Helen Hunt?

No.

Yes.

Fucking As Gay As it gets as good as it gets.

Isn't there a gay guy?

That was like nominated for his.

Yeah, yeah.

Cuba Gooding is gay in that.

What is he?

What's that line?

He goes, he goes, Carol the Waitress meets Simon the fag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I like to interpret that character as cool.

Yeah, he's a cool guy.

He's a cool guy.

I agree with all of his opinions and his attitude.

Fucking is he done acting?

Yeah, he's got like Alzheimer's.

He's got Alzheimer's.

My man's brain is fucking potato.

You Jack?

Yeah.

Yeah, his shit's full of Swiss cheese.

I hope he didn't forget how to fuck, dude.

Nah, some things are in the...

His fucking cortex, it's right in the spine.

Oh, yeah.

The brain's still.

That's the last part to go.

The last part to go.

He'll be, you know how dogs sometimes run in their sleep?

He'll be eating pussy in his sleep.

He still goes to the Lakers games.

Was that the last Kobe game?

I mean, I guess that was a year ago.

That was a year ago.

Have you seen him this year?

Probably not.

No.

He looks like,

well, the team sucks Dick.

The Lakers suck.

They're building.

And Lonzo's going to suck Dick, too.

They're building towards the future.

He's got a fucked-up shot.

He looks like ugly ass Jake.

It's a little janky.

He looks like a little bit Drake with Down syndrome.

What do you think about the Lonzo Lavar ball type thing?

They both sound like fags to me.

That's why I don't go to the games anymore.

There's too many queers playing.

Don't you remember the old days when they

used to wear very tiny shorts and sometimes you'd get a peek at somebody's pecker?

Those were the days, Jack.

The good old days, Jack.

That's the facts, Jack.

Yeah.

That man fucked the m who do you think fucked the most?

Apparently he he fucked so much that he like in his late life he was a pretty lonely guy

because his only friend I think was Harry Dean Stanton and he fucked his wife and he then he fucked Harry Dean Stanton and then he fucked him Harry I'm sorry

I didn't mean it can't you give me a second chance

what's that line in departed where that he's like um where he goes who are no

who are

who are

Charlie the scent of a woman.

What are you talking about?

My upper lip?

I've smelled every type of bitch there is.

You know what?

I don't think that kind of guy says bitch.

I think he calls women like...

Broads.

Broads.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Dames.

Absolutely.

He calls her.

She's a beautiful woman.

He cuts to the chase and just calls women whole.

Whole.

Yeah, that is a very vulgar.

That one feels

horse than like cunt or any of them.

No, yeah, false advertising.

Cunt is a lot more vulgar.

You know, that was my favorite Shia LaBeouf movie before I saw it.

What a letdown.

It's Shia LaBeouf gaping.

They should call it false advertising.

That's good.

That's good.

That's some good shit, baby.

Shia really, you know,

he had a nice.

He could have had it all, dude.

I call him Vagina LaBeouf.

Why were the alt-right guys so obsessed with that thing, that altitude

was doing that installation thing?

Because it's funny to fuck with Shia LaBeouf.

But why in particular were like the Pep, the alt-right guys, because it's like a 4chan thing to fuck with Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, they fuck with him already.

So it kind of like beautifully meshed their political beliefs in one of their favorite trolls.

Yeah, he's an easy target, and he's like obviously full of shit.

Yeah, completely.

Yeah.

Which is surprising.

What's interesting about him is like it's his behavior seems like it's driven by like some sort of insecurity about having been like a Disney star or whatever.

He's got a fucking chip on his shoulder

about how he was interpreted throughout his adolescence.

And I mean like we talked about it, but that first details magazine where he was like striking out into adulthood trying to be this like Hollywood

fucking James Dean.

It it was always weird those years of weirdish and the harder you try to be cool the more of a fucking laughing stock you are but like and now it's this all this weird fucking you know

art stuff that that really happened after he was caught plagiarizing from that graphic novel or whatever it was right maybe

but I feel like Franco's sort of on that wave too but people don't know Franco's fine people don't fuck with him he's again he's like a guy that like has some of the same impulse as people he thinks of himself as

social artists.

Yeah, right.

Well, he thinks of himself as smarter than he is, which is fine when you're a fucking millionaire.

And the extent of that is him taking classes at Columbia and writing shitty book reports and fights.

Shia's behavior is like...

It's like Kanye, where it's just something that's kind of off.

And if this was somebody you cared about, you would try to get them help.

But what's interesting is that he does all this bullshit performance art, but he's

like a very talented actor.

He's a good actor.

I think he's good.

He's a really good actor.

Did you see Nin Fu Maniac?

No.

He wasn't bad.

Eagle Eye.

Yeah, even in movies.

He's good.

He's not bad.

Like, what made Indiana Jones bad was not him?

No, it's just

Marks.

I fuck with him.

I do.

Yeah.

Didn't he do that art thing where

he wasn't going to move and some girl sucked his dick or something?

Yeah, he got raped.

Shit's wild, dude.

Yeah, he did another thing where he watched.

I heard that.

I laughed myself to sleep.

I felt raped when I saw that movie that had no holes in it

Jack

Jack great to have you Jack.

What's the best muff you've ever smelled?

Oh boy

Your mom.

What the fuck Jack?

Jack.

Oh, see you Jack

oh my I think my downstairs neighbors

or my downstairs neighbor had a like a gay dude.

He was screaming at his boyfriend, and I think they fought each other, like fist fought.

That's like, is that I'm always down with some DV when it's when it's same sex.

Exactly.

Is that allowed?

Are you allowed to cheer for that fight?

It's not like you're beating a woman.

Wait, hold on.

Are they the same race?

Yes.

Okay.

Is one of them deaf?

Nope.

Disabled in any way?

Nope.

Fair game.

Fair game.

That's cool, right?

Because looking at fights is fun.

I can't imagine.

There was a thrill when I heard that.

Because, first of all, I got to say that.

It makes me think, like, how about you?

Is there domestic violence in the gay community?

Let's shut up.

Let's do like a very progressive thing where we like we host fights where we make gay people fight for us.

I like that.

We put them in a cage and make them beat the shit out of us.

Oh, sort of, yeah, sort of like to prove that it's okay.

I love that.

Sort of like a gay coute.

That would literally be Lewis's idea of like a meeting,

of being tolerant.

Yeah, dude, you fucking make them fight to the death.

No, all the money goes to AIDS research.

I think

you're allowed to fight if it's the bottom fighting the top.

No, no, it's weight classes, dude.

They got to be in the similar weight class.

It has to be weight class.

Yeah, I can't be one guy that's way bigger than that.

And look, if one is real like tiny and like does, you know what I mean?

Like,

you know, if one is clearly like outmatched, it's not as cool.

But these guys are about the same size, dude.

Like, I think that's just a fair game, awesome fight.

Because, like, usually when people

throw fist fights, they don't, yeah, they're in great shape.

And usually, when people throw, like, fist, even UFC guys, there's not that much passion.

You very, really love sexual passion

in the form of fisticuffs.

I think

yet another reason for gay UFC.

Gay UFC, dude.

The more I hear about it, the more this becomes a great idea.

We got to get Lewis on Cometown.

Lewis with you.

With 10 fidget spingers.

Who's ready to rumble?

We got 10 gay dudes.

The winner gets a fidget spinner.

Wait, was it you, Dick, that was saying that there are fidget spinners for executives?

Oh, no, yeah.

Somebody heads of state.

Somebody tweeted it.

Yeah, somebody tweeted this Reddit.

Fuck.

I don't want to.

I would like to give credit to whoever fucking found it.

I wish I could remember who found it.

Maybe it was CJ or something.

It was like...

Let us know.

We'll give you a retroactive.

No, wait.

It was at Tiny Baby.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think.

I mean, he usually has pretty good...

That guy's good.

Pretty pretty good Reddit pulls.

But it was

like the top post was

so we all have autism, question mark, exclamation point.

And then somebody responded, like, I'm tired of this attitude.

There are some fidget spinners that cost more than $300

that are designed for executives and presidents.

It's like, would you call somebody autistic for driving a Mercedes-Benz?

For executive.

First of all, that's literally the only president that would be our president.

Wow, look at that executive with his $350 fidget spinner and his $400 Mercedes-Benz.

I wonder if that man's going to be president someday.

Potentially.

We have to get the most expensive fidget spinners now.

It's also like

sometimes CEOs have autism.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, would you call a guy with a Mercedes-Benz autistic?

Like, yeah, if he was autistic, if he was driving around the Mercedes-Benz playing with a fidget spinner, then yes, I would call him that.

In fact, I would make a point to just fuck him for having that car.

Absolutely.

They don't deserve those kind of riches.

They don't.

They don't have the brain developed enough to enjoy them.

The thing is, they got a mentally retarded brain.

It's something I learned.

They don't taste sweets.

You know what I mean?

Everything's sour to them.

When they hear a song, they get itchy and that bothers me.

You don't see their behavior?

There's one of them that rides a bus around town for free and gives me the Willys.

They say he's real good at math, but who the fuck likes math?

See, I don't believe that shit either.

I don't think they know math.

Yeah.

They like to pretend, you know, they know they got to tap into your brain, a different wavelength.

Basically, my theory is, you know, the doctor says, you, your son's going to have, you know, autism or whatever.

One simple solution.

You take a power drill, put it into the top of the skull, fill the hole with acid.

Yeah.

LSD?

No, with chemicals.

Hylochloric acid.

So it kill him.

You steal him from the child.

Yeah, kill him.

Well, painfully.

That way you make sure the next kid you have fucking knows better.

You drill it, you give his brain room to expand.

Because it's too fucking small.

Yeah, you're trepping him.

I think they.

He's got that little retard, brain.

You put a couple chicken livers on top of his brain and it fucking fuses.

To get liver in his brain?

Yeah, meat.

Meat is brain.

What do you think brain is?

You think brain is fucking muscles?

It is.

No, it's fucking meat.

It's the most powerful muscle.

I got a fucking muscle for you, pal.

What?

This fucking salich.

What's a salich?

Oh, my God.

Salich?

What is a salich?

What is saliche?

My fucking bazon.

The Italian guy.

The Italian guy that doesn't even know the made-up Italian words that other Italian Americans came up with.

My fucking desertic.

Like, hey, what?

Don't you mean another thing we made up?

That doesn't isn't actually.

Like a brajol.

Brajol is one.

Like a brajol.

Oh, man, that's good.

Oh, that's a good guy.

Man, I fucking wish we had actually seen Alien Covenant.

Yeah, Kenny Powers is in it.

He was fucked up.

I feel like it's going to suck.

It's bad.

Shut the fuck up.

It's good.

Don't ruin it for me.

I heard Kenny Powers is the only good part.

No, that can't be true, dude.

That's what I was told by someone that saw it

out there trying to look fucking serious i'm trying to hear hear him talk about titties dude he killed an alien and said you're fucking out

um yeah

you know what sucks is like i stopped stealing movies

and i just i actually rent movies now yeah because you're in the media now well it's insane that i would actually do that you know a couple years ago it's like who would buy movies yeah that's wild but now new shit comes out and like i don't want to watch it because it's going to look like shit

You get used to the higher quality of movie.

Yeah, you're spoiled.

Yeah,

I'll only download something if it's like a Blu-ray or a 720 at least.

I do Laser Disc.

You do.

I want to get, well, you know, Laser Disc, you say that jokingly, but Laserdisc is an analog signal.

That's a good shit.

Yeah.

It's like a record.

Yeah, well, they continued making Laser Discs in Japan until like five years ago.

Also, a Laserdisc sale, a Laser Disc salesman raped nigga.

Yeah.

For sure

it's higher it's higher fidelity people like laser disc

what was on laser disc everything

yeah it was like movies and shit oh just everything it was a bad format

it was a bad format because it was enormous yeah it was a big and you had to scan barcodes or something what was the deal with that maybe that was i don't know i think you're thinking of div x

div x remember that

yeah maybe yeah div x is a like a container now but it used to be a subscription service where it was like dvds that were like five bucks.

Oh, yeah.

But then the DVD player connected to a like it had like a

school, right?

My friend's dad had it.

Yeah.

And he, I remember him, like,

specifically, he bought all of those, I think, because he knew it would go out of business.

Right.

Because once it goes out of business, it's like you just keep them, you know, because I can't tell you.

Ah, smart.

Yeah.

So, like,

yeah, it connects to like a dial-up modem, and then

you pay a subscription to watch the the movie again.

Shit, that's that, like, proto-Netflix shit.

Kind of, yeah, yeah.

Did you know there's like a Trump

subscription box service now, like the safety pin box?

What?

Yeah.

What do you get?

I don't know.

I got to look into it.

Wait, really?

Are you just fucking around?

You get like screening.

You get like the.

Yeah, where they send you merchandise.

You subscribe to it and you get Trump.

Trump presidency merchandise.

Oh,

he's selling it?

Yeah, I think so.

From the White House.

That just cannot be

legal.

I'm sure it's illegal, but

who cares?

You can't stop them.

It's so funny.

In fact, I kind of want a president that does illegal stuff.

You know what I mean?

Well, I think we

really have one.

Yeah.

I get it.

I get it.

You went to history class.

Yeah, I did, dude.

AP US History.

Oh, I took AP U.S.

History too, Bridge.

You did.

Five.

Five, baby.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Five boys on our AP class.

Yeah, I remember that.

I was more on AP Lit, though.

AP, yeah.

I did well in all the social sites,

or as I like to call it, AP Clit.

Hell yeah.

Ass pussy clit.

Nice.

I would have let you into my college.

But I could not do math.

I'm dumb as hell.

Yeah, I took calc, and I got her through.

Fuck no, dude.

Fuck calc.

I had my calc teacher was this awesome lesbian, Miss Richardson, and she fucking just liked me.

And she called me fat daddy, And I never had to do any work.

And she just let me pass for no reason.

She came to our Bahamas trip and just got stoned.

She was our, so we went to like a fucking senior trip to the Bahamas, which sucked dick.

I thought it was going to be awesome.

And I saved all this money working at a machine shop.

And I went on this trip and I got sun poisoning.

So it's like that movie The Machinist, except instead of getting really thin,

I got fat for the role and I've never been able to.

I used to be fucking.

Remember that story Thomas told us about that girl that said she gained 200 pounds for a role?

No.

I mean, he said he went on, like, he met some girl from Tinder who was like,

she was much thinner in her pictures.

And he met up with her, and she was like, yeah, well, I'm an actress, and I had to gain 200 pounds for a role.

He was like, that's unchanging.

Are they rebooting Precious?

Some Craigslist movie?

Like, yeah.

Well, fat people don't exist, so we need you specifically.

What's that kind of porn where you have to force-feed people?

Or is it like a fetish thing where you feed her?

Feeders?

yeah, where you like feed people until

like 900 pounds.

If there's any uh

if there's any ladies who are feeders, don't die, motherfucker.

I just brought you animal crackers, the EL fudge cracker feedback.

You can be a feeder.

You can't be a PK and pie.

You can be a feeder, but it's got to be paleo.

Your boy's a paleo warrior right now.

You know, it's all cars.

It's no carbs, fucking meat.

Is Serenovich like a paleo guy?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I also don't believe that there weren't weren't fat cavemen.

True, damn true.

I don't know.

They had to walk a lot more.

Yeah, but I mean.

Probably one fat caveman.

Like, I don't think that we invented being lazy as shit.

There had to have been one piece of shit caveman that was like, no, you guys just do it.

Yeah, but he probably got got by like saber-toothed tigers, T-Rexes, and pterodactyls.

He stayed in the cave, pterodactyls.

Probably the chief.

Yeah, but chief was a lazy guy, for sure.

But he got to be lazy by murking out all

people into like, you know, he got to the head of the

politics came into play, where you weren't just the ruler because you could fuck everyone up.

How early in that in

cavemen days?

10,000 years after cavemen.

Yeah, so all cavemen had to be strong.

Yeah, cavemen were just like apes.

Yeah.

But there could have been a fat...

You've never seen a fat squirrel?

And I understand people feed them.

Yeah, because it's a fairly sweet.

But there could have been a magnanimous woolly mammoth that was feeding

that took care of the disabled.

What?

Oh, really?

Amber off Mike is saying that Australo Sucticicus took

what's that one?

The one right before Homo Eractus?

Yeah.

Oh, they took care of disabled people.

Interesting.

Maybe they used.

Maybe they served their purpose in the tribe.

You know?

Yeah.

Maybe they fucked the disabled people.

You know, they were Jewish shit, cavemen.

Were there?

Yeah.

Are you talking about Nick Kroll and the Geico Cavemen?

Yeah.

Exactly.

On ABC.

That's crazy that they tried to make a sitcom out of that.

They tried to make a Geico Cave Times.

They made a TV show out of Crash Test Dummies.

Remember that?

There was

the whole thing.

They turned Crash Test Dummies into this concept.

Yeah, this

forced children's entertainment.

I do remember shows.

Children's Entertainment.

Oh, Lord.

Yeah.

They're just screaming loud as shit when they crash.

Fuck!

I'm going to fucking die.

I fucking hate this shit.

Man, fuck.

Now I just had, I had

an early 90s television flashback, and I suddenly had a hankering for Pizza Hut.

Oh, hell yeah.

Stop.

You want to get someone?

I've been talking about Pizza Hut a lot recently.

Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Have you ever been to a Pizza Hut restaurant?

Of course.

Yeah.

Because

an actual hut, you know, not delivery.

I've never.

I've only done it once.

I'll go this far.

I never got Pizza Hut delivered.

Because

the one that was in Dundalk, there was no one in Baltimore City proper.

So we only went to Pizza Hut when we wanted to treat ourselves to a sit-down pizza dinner.

Yeah, I remember every other time it was Papa John.

I remember there was this weird Italian family that used to like dress up to go out to dinner like Brother.

Oh yeah, eating a pizza hut.

That's so funny.

That's so fucking poor bastard.

Yeah, they did a fucking house.

Yeah, Pizza Hut had a salad bar.

And they had a lunch buffet, but I never, they never had that.

Yeah, I would only go to Pizza Hut, like Baltimore, I don't think.

When I went bowling with my grandmother and my cousin.

And there was a Pizza Hut near the bowling alley.

And you guys always would have sex in the Pizza Hut?

And we would all have sex.

No.

Did you fuck your grandma?

Well, your cousin begged you.

Shut up.

People are going to DM me and say that my grandma and I had sex.

They're going to say say mean things to me.

No, but Nick's grandma did rape people in the apartheid.

Yeah.

That is true.

It is true.

She did.

DM me about it.

DM me.

See if I have a temper tantrum.

I never had a temper tantrum.

I dealt with it with grace.

Grace.

Style.

That's true.

You are a very graceful individual.

I am.

I understand that.

You like that play, that movie Black Swan?

Yeah.

That's you.

Am I black or white?

I don't know.

I didn't see it.

The black ones, like the bad ones.

I know it's about ballet.

You're pink swan.

I know it's about ballet, and I know there's rape involved.

No, there's like an unhealthy mother-daughter thing.

I don't know if there's rape.

Yeah, father-son.

I was hoping I would nail it with the rape thing.

Because that would have been a good analogy for you.

Nah, dude.

But something with ballet is right on because he's got like gay ballet body.

I got a question for you guys.

Gay ballet body.

I got a question for you.

Look at this boy with his gay ballet body.

How you going to have...

My man doing plies.

How you going to have a black swan

played by Natalie Purtman?

Oh, wow.

Now he's racist, too.

Wow, dude, dude.

That was a voice.

How you going to have a black swan

wear sandals?

How you going to go to bed?

My man coming here wearing sandals.

My man, go to bed.

Look at he got sandals on.

The guy doesn't even have legs.

That's a woman with no legs.

This man got sandals on right here.

Look at it.

He's laughing.

I got a terrible text.

What did it say?

It's really bad news.

Tell us.

My new girlfriend is doing a mic right now.

Oh, an open mic?

I got to break up with her.

That was you two years ago, dude.

That was me

six months ago.

Until me and Stavros graciously elevated you to the world of podcasting.

I appreciate it.

A couple of Kumia alums.

Yeah, dude.

I've been in the YQ.

Check out the lineage, dude.

FDR.

Fucking Howard Stern, Anthony Cumia.

Actually, I was in podcasting in DC.

That's a history of American Radio.

Right there.

I was in podcasting in D.C., dude.

I did podcasting

at Wonderland on Fridays.

Oh, my God, that horrific show.

Don't,

Don't you mean them, everybody?

I thought it was a good show.

If you guys want to talk shit about it, I'm not talking shit.

You are.

I just stated a fact that I used to do podcasts.

You used to do it?

Yeah, every week.

It was a fun show.

It was fun.

He's like, you could do whatever you want.

So I just do characters.

That bit you did where you were Bert?

Yeah, that was the best one.

That was so funny.

Yeah, yeah.

He did like Bert from Bert and Ernie, but he didn't do the character at all.

Brandon just interviewed him and he's like, so tell me about yourself.

He's like, I'm Bert.

I'm like, I'm yellow.

It was a good bit.

He just described Bert.

That was it.

I'm like, yellow.

I have a friend, Ernie, that I live with who's orange.

Yeah, people think we're gay.

We're not gay, though.

We're just homies.

We still

did.

He's got another friend named Rubber Ducky.

I'm not friends with him.

Yeah, Dana did it one time, and she was like French, and she was like spilling food all over herself.

I didn't know that you could do bits.

I just did it.

I did.

Stand-up.

And it was a bad show.

Yeah, I would do stand-up too because I'm a purist.

Yeah, no, I used to be.

Me and you were a purist.

That's how we got on Kumia.

On Kumia, yeah.

They respect us.

Yeah.

They respect our love of the game.

Right.

We're like tough crowd guys.

Dude, you know, that's us.

Yeah, yeah.

You get a leather jacket.

Even though most of those guys are still alive.

We're still doing comedy.

Yeah, we see it.

That was the original concept for the Comeboys was that there would be like a leather jacket aspect to it.

This is basically tough crowd-free.

Well, basically, I want to do a show like Tough Crowd, except it's called Rough Trade, and we're all in leather.

We argue with Northeastern regional accents about things we don't know about.

What are you talking about?

North Korea.

Why does two Koreas?

Anyways, come here, let me give you a smooch.

A bunch of tough Boston leather jackets.

Did I say on the podcast that Boston piece of shit guy that I

overheard in Boston?

That guy that was like,

he was like, yeah,

so anyway, he's like, yeah, we're going to have to do a fucking field sobriety.

So I'm like, fuck it.

I had two PS, whatever.

Anyway, I failed with Field Sobriety.

I don't think I could pass a field sobriety test.

Sober.

Sober?

Yeah, don't you?

Yeah, you have to have good balance.

Yeah, horrible balance.

All right, now stand on one leg, and then it just immediately sinks into the ground.

There's like a sinkhole.

I'm sorry.

Is that me?

I'm sorry.

Have you guys ever?

Oh, don't sink into the street again.

No.

Have you guys ever called Field Sobrity?

Was that?

I did it once.

Really?

Oh, I was stoned.

So I like passed the field sobriety.

Always demand, first of all, as soon as a cop pulls you over, demand to see their supervisor.

You say, oh, hell no, I am putting up with this.

You threaten them with mace.

I know I got right.

You threaten them with mace.

You say, this is racist.

This is the way you get away with the DUI.

Yeah, I love those videos.

Like, what's smart?

Yeah.

Like, those ACLU style videos.

No, even those, but for real, though, those videos are like, they're like terrible advice.

Yeah, where it's like, ignore, don't say you don't have to submit to anything.

And it's like, cops are still people, and you can fucking manipulate them like anybody else.

Oh, 100% and just be nice, and you can get away with shit sometimes.

I think we've got an advantage, yeah.

Of course, I understand that for sure, but I mean, if you're like a white dude and you say, like, I don't submit to anything, I don't consent, this is my right, you're going to jail if you drop it.

Yeah, that's like

waving your white privilege, yeah, just doing that shit.

Although, there is an ACLU like app you can use if you see, like, cops beating people or whatever, and they'll like send it to them.

I meet girls on there on the ACLU app, yeah, me too, dude.

Well, my profile picture is me wearing a Koofi.

Yeah.

Trying to meet some woke girls.

Mine is me from.

I still use my senior portrait from high school.

Yeah.

That's mine.

Yeah.

We were seeing when he was on Tinder, you had just the picture of him

talking to Conan.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You got to, baby.

That's literally the only good thing about a TV show.

Just

the NBC logo and a microphone in your hand.

Yeah.

Yeah, like a poster from an open mic from 2007.

Just put an NBC logo on there.

It's Del Rey.

Remember that place?

That was like the big venue.

Where?

The tenured?

Yeah, Del Rey.

It was some like,

it was like a restaurant in Woodbridge.

Really?

I remember.

I think I missed it.

Not Britney's?

No, there's Britney's, but then there was, yeah, Del Rey was like another, it was like a Mexican restaurant that I remember somebody bragging to me.

They're like, yeah, I'm actually featuring a Del Rey.

Shitty open microphone.

I don't want to say her name because I'm assuming she's like, has a terrible life now.

Damn, is she a piece of shit?

Where's the first place you guys went up?

Motherfucking EJ's Landing in College Park, Maryland, dude.

Seafood restaurant.

Irwin Loring.

I mean, I went up at

RFD Thursday.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up, right?

Shut the fuck up.

Who runs that?

Yo, we got one rule.

Shut the fuck up.

I was like,

when I was back,

I never did the like, you know, hey, can I go up early sort of thing?

But like, people would usually just let me go up early.

Yeah, yeah.

And Ralph was like, yeah, we'll see if there's time.

We'll see if there's time.

I went there, and he's like, yep, no.

He made me wait there the entire night.

He's like, no spots this week or whatever.

Yeah, he pulled that on me.

They love this.

I almost, like, I was almost like,

I'm a real comic.

I don't know who the fuck you think you are.

You're some shithead open mic.

I mean, that's literally like their domain.

That's all I'm doing.

That week I had Benson Ball at that big show.

I was just trying to do as many spots as possible.

So I was like, yo, can I like please go up early at your thing?

Because I'm trying to hit another mic.

We got a big show.

And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem, no problem, no problem.

And so I waited for like two hours.

And then I left.

He's like, where are you going?

Where are you going?

And I was like,

I can't stay here.

I got to go.

Yeah.

And I got,

it's in my Facebook messages.

You have it still?

He sent me a psychotic.

Hilarious.

He's like, listen, you might be going places in this world.

Maybe MTV, maybe Comedy Center.

But professionalism.

Incredible.

Professionalism matters in this industry.

Incredible.

And let me tell you something.

You got no professionalism.

He put on a suit and tie at 2 o'clock in the morning morning to write this email.

You got

a pinstripe suit on to be president of the emails.

God, that shows.

Remember, we used to think it was the best show of all time.

The Thursdays for like eight years.

For a couple of months, it was popping.

But it was just like so poorly rocked up.

Yeah, they would just start every show for those unfamiliar.

They had a great show packed all the time, and they would just ramble, first of all, just do too much time.

But the most important thing was they would just yell, we have one rule: shut the fuck up.

And they would just like yell that at an audience that just wants to see comedy.

So, Michael Footie and I made a fake email address one night on a Saturday night when we were going out and having fun with young people.

We made a foodie we're trolling.

We made a fake email called Josh Wanda, right?

And we sent a bunch of troll emails.

And

we sent them a troll email that we run, we own the rights to the shut the fuck up comedy showcase.

Like

Josh Wanda here but the best one was um

the best one was we emailed we emailed Wardell and he was at the draft he was at the draft house mic at the time it was on a Saturday night we're like hey Brandon Josh Wanda here I just want to let you know that I've told everyone in the industry that you are not to be trusted

I asked you for directions at South by Southwest and you caused me to miss a showcase with industry representatives I've told Chelsea Peretti Gerard Carmichael, I was just like naming all these people not to ever

trust you again.

And apparently Brandon was at

the draft house, and he's like freaking out.

He's like running around.

That's incredible.

And he's like, who the fuck is Josh Wanda?

That's so good.

Yeah, if you guys want to harass Brandon, you know, in a fun way, you know,

oh, okay.

Yeah, I know.

It's just for past past Adam and Foodie.

Only guests of the show.

If you're a guest of the show, you can literally murder Brendan.

The best one was our friend.

I won't say his name, but

he was a vest-wearing comedian in

Washington, D.C.

He wore a bunch of vests.

He wore a bunch of vests.

You know who.

You know who wore a vest.

No, I don't, actually.

You know, there's a famous picture of him wearing a vest in front of a velvet curtain.

Anyway.

Does he wear vests?

Yeah, I think like in headshots he wore vests a lot.

Yeah.

Anyway, so I sent him

a Josh Wanda.

Yeah, see, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So we sent him.

I was just thinking someone else.

We said.

Who's a friend of mine, by the way?

Yeah.

A dear friend of mine.

We sent him an email.

One of my closest friends.

We sent him a Josh Wanda email.

We were like, Josh Wanda here, and we think you're one of the best-dressed comedians in America.

And we'd like to invite you to the Detroit Comedy Festival, featuring the comedic stylings of the best-dressed comedians in the industry, Paula Padstone,

which is like she's a wear bag.

And Mr.

Steve, tell it like it is Harvey.

And then he just wrote a one-line reply that was just like, all right, yeah,

give me the info.

Incredible.

Yeah, we never emailed him back.

That was a fun night.

Shout out to Michael Fu.

Steve Harvey's been having a lot of controversies lately.

His wife said she she living.

He killed her soul.

Ten years with him destroyed her soul.

Now, how do you get that back?

I don't know.

You like Kegels?

Yeah, I guess.

Kegels.

Kegel's in the Caribbean.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a cruise that I run.

Ty Diggs.

Yeah.

Kegel's in the Caribbean.

Was she in

Stella got her groove back?

Was that Ty Diggs?

You know what?

Did they ever even tell you how she gets her groove back?

Folks,

you might be a redneck.

I love that.

That makes no fucking sense.

She's got just Jeff Boxworthy with a brain parasite.

Folks, let me ask you here.

Did they even tell you the toys story anyway?

You might be a redneck.

Here's your sign.

Schindler's list.

What was he making a list of?

You might be.

It was the Jews.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Hey, that guy might be a redneck.

Or maybe not.

I don't know.

We're kind of ambivalent towards Jews.

I think.

Remember when he had a button?

Hey, what's up with all

the F names on the Ford trucks?

You notice that?

It's F150, 250.

It's like, what's next?

F350?

I have those.

All right, well, then F450 then.

Yeah, make those two.

All right, well, why don't you tell me where the fucking number stops, then smart guy, and then I'll add a fucking number to it.

You piece of shit.

You fucking asshole.

He just starts having a seizure on stage.

Brain parasite.

Jeff Hobsworthy.

That might be the best character we've had.

Def Jam Picard.

And that guy.

F.

Tell me where the number stops.

No, Inspector Faggot's the best guy.

Inspector Faggett.

That's true.

Inspector Faggot.

He's just got a bunch of dicks.

Dick coming out of his half.

Dick pops out of his head and then the tip pops open and then four more dicks come out.

That makes a dick hellic?

All right.

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