Ep. 47 – Foody For THought lol

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So you better get this penis sucked off.

Oh, Jesus.

Hold on, let me take that again.

I'm having sex, so you better.

No, I was going to go to penis sucked off.

You better suck this fucking penis.

That's better, yeah.

So you better suck this song.

I'm sucking.

I'm sucking.

I think.

Because you said, let's get this party started.

Yes.

Stop.

You should get like a pitch pipe before you do it.

Only it should look like a child's dick.

Yeah.

You should also just say it before every sentence so people think you have autism.

What, just a little.

I was thinking we'd go to Jersey Mike's for lunch.

Over and out.

Welcome to Cometown, everyone.

Come town, we're at the Cometown West Studios.

Which we found out is right next to the studios of the

The Bill Maher Real Time with Bill Maher Show.

And guess what?

Guess what, ladies and gentlemen?

Your boy Adam Friedland is going to be representing the Comeboys.

Damn, fuck.

I'm so jealous.

I'm going to see Bill Maher tomorrow.

I'm going to get so high and I'm going to literally lose my shit with it.

Yeah, weed.

I've tried it.

Can you imagine?

The Republicans.

The Republicans.

The Republicans.

That's your hazard.

I will report back on it, but I'm so excited.

I'm going to go to the taping at 2 p.m.

tomorrow.

Fuck, dude.

I'm so mad.

I leave tomorrow at 7 a.m.

I'm missing the goddamn...

Wow, you leave at 7 a.m.?

Or I leave it.

My flight's at 8.40, so I have to be there at like 7 or whatever.

Fuck, I'm tired.

This is the last episode of Come Town.

Before we kill ourselves.

We all kill ourselves.

Nick's killing himself because of precipitous success that he's experienced in the last six months.

I'm killing myself because

I just want to stop feeling this way.

That's my reason.

We do have an old friend and a guest that we've actually shouted him out a couple times on the pod, and he's a good pal of ours, and we're really glad we could get him.

He lives out here in the middle.

Dong Dong Mike Foodie.

That's true.

That's my name, and I am in doubt that way.

Michael, are you nervous?

Yeah, I'm nervous.

More so than normal.

Yeah, definitely.

Michael's typically.

It's a lot of pressure being on this podcast.

Well, this is going to be a bad episode, so don't.

Okay, I can believe that.

Don't worry about being funny or whatever.

Okay.

That really takes the pressure off.

Yeah, we just have to fill, what, 58 more minutes, 57 more minutes?

Not even, dude.

I'd be surprised if it's even past a minute yet.

Check them out.

Yeah.

It's at 32 seconds.

No.

Fuck no way.

But yeah, we got the big boy Foodie out here.

Thanks for coming.

It lives in fucking Santa Monica, dude.

Westside.

Nice.

What's that stand for, Santa Monica?

It is.

It's named after Santa Monica from France.

She put up with a lot of

bid from our vacation day.

I like to drive around and I do like a day laborer character.

Yeah.

And then he's like saying, asking the names of players.

But I think it's really funny to do like a like a guy that obviously speaks Spanish natively, but he has trouble pronouncing.

He's like, hey, do you know how to get to a

Santa Santica?

Santa Monica.

Santa.

How do you get to a

Pasaduna?

Is Pasadena even a Mexican or Spanish name?

I don't give a shit.

Probably.

It sounds that way.

Yeah, the joke is that they can't

say Spanish stuff.

It's a good joke.

I like it.

I like funny voices.

Yeah, me too.

You were saying earlier, or I was saying earlier,

you take

any accent, and then instead of turds, they say twerds.

It works with any accent.

Where is the bathroom?

I have to make a twerde.

I have so many twerds in my ass.

How do you get to the bathroom?

Because I have to

say twerk

that I have to take.

I have to take twerk.

Oh, bomba glut.

I got so many Twitters in my ass.

It sounds

really good with the job.

I've got Twitters in my ass.

I've got Twerds in me ass.

Yeah, it really works across the board.

I was laughing again today, too.

I had to look up again the history of Outback Steakhouse.

Utpeak.

Yeah, he was doing this.

Outback is it stands for South Out Out South

South Africa

outback.

It's a South African Outback.

Hell yeah, dude.

It's a South African teen.

I think it's actually Australian.

You'd be.

Well, you'd be wrong if you thought that.

Well, what's funny about Outback Steakhouse is there's like a, I don't know, some investing article that has like the history of the company.

And it was founded by like three guys in

like Tampa or whatever.

Like 1987.

Crocodile Dundee's big.

Well, that's exactly what did it.

None of them had ever been to Australia.

They saw Crocodile Dundee.

That's a good thing.

They were like, let's just make an Australian restaurant.

And then they refused to go to Australia.

Beautiful.

I don't think they've ever been.

The guys that found it thing.

Yeah, what's food like in Australia?

It's awful.

Well, they deep.

They fry a whole onion.

Yeah.

It's like Vegemite and shit and boiled kangaroo tail.

You have a weird fucking thing.

Yeah, I have a big mole on the top of my head.

Stav is running.

Adam's giving you his hair.

Oh, that's probably cancer.

No, I've had it my whole life.

Wow, cancer your whole life?

I've been to dermatologists and they say that insurance can't cover it because it's cosmetic.

But when I go to the camps and they give me a prison-style haircut, everyone will know.

But until then, I have to keep, you know, the.

Are you making a Trump concentration camp joke?

No, just

it doesn't have to be Trump that's doing the concentration camps, but you know.

So you're casting an even wider net with that.

It could be like a phrenology.

Like people know you're an imbecile from the bumps on your skull.

It's going to be great when Adam shows up to the concentration camp, and on day one, people are going to be like, oh my God, you must have been here for years.

And they see his body.

People start killing themselves right away.

I can't live like that.

So you're here for

that.

Or Jewish.

Are you here for the gay part or the Jewish part?

He's what we like to call a two-for-a round here.

We get to count him twice.

The high crime of ruining the podcast.

I'm actually.

It's going to be my camp.

I would probably have to go to the camps for my socialist activism first

and for being a proud member of the Democratic Society.

Well, when I sell the DSA to the American Nazi Party

in 2020,

I take a big fat check from the American Nazi Party so they can buy the DSA

for me, the owner.

Oh, not your owner?

You used to be president.

Yesterday, you were the president.

I own 100% all the copyrights to the DSA.

Your owner offers.

If you say socialism, you owe me $20.

It's true.

The Nazi Party was the National Socialists, right?

But they might have been a DSA type.

Well, I'm a capitalist

socialist.

So it's

interesting.

It's a new thing.

It's cozy.

Cozy that restaurant cozy?

Yeah.

That's capitalist socialist.

It's an ideology based off very shitty flatbreads.

Well, no, the sandwiches are good, but they're expensive, but then there's free refills on drinks.

That's the socialist part of the party.

That's the cozy spot.

My dad discovered that restaurant a couple years ago, and he was like obsessed with it.

Why?

He's always like, let's meet at the cozy.

Meet me at the cozy.

I'll meet you there.

That's how my mom is with Panera.

She's always like, it's my birthday.

Do you want to put the Panera?

My dad loves Panera, too.

What kind of weird shit is that?

It's like, you know, pretend nice food for

idiots.

Poor people.

I like that they give you an apple.

At Panera?

Yeah, it's a nice treat.

Yeah.

Give that doctor away.

I never gotten the damn apple, my dude.

I'm always going to price.

Throwing it in their faces.

The bread

section is what I go for.

You go bread.

I go piece of bread.

Even when you get a sandwich, you get a bread on top of it.

You get get more bread, yeah.

Nabi.

That's good bread, dude.

It's pretty good bread.

It's baked on premises.

My brothers used to work at Panera Bread, so you know your brother used to fuck around with them sour cheese loaves.

We had a whole day we hung out at that Panera bread, didn't we?

Oh, yeah, me, you and Dana.

We were there for like a whole day.

Why were we there?

I can't remember that, or why, but we were at that Panera for like.

Did you have a show in Baltimore, maybe?

No, I don't remember.

I think

I was living in New York at the time, I think.

I don't think so.

I think I was.

Really?

Fuck, I don't know.

Yeah, I remember we got Panera, and that's all I remember.

Oh, I remember we made a joke about the Virgin Mary.

Yeah, it was around Christmas,

and it was the joke I made was the Immaculate Conception was the angel sucked off God and spit it in Mary's pussy.

Yeah.

Well, that's how it works.

Yeah,

I guess it was more theology than a joke.

But that's literally all I remember about that day.

I don't remember.

That's cool that you just remember things in the context of what jokes were said.

Yeah.

Didn't we also go to that antique store that day?

I don't fucking remember.

Did we go?

Fuck, what happened that day?

I don't know, man.

Were we molested?

Our brains.

Yeah.

Dana raped us.

Yeah.

God damn it, Dana.

Maybe we were molested.

Footy, were you ever molested?

I don't think so.

But, like, couldn't explain the nerves, maybe?

Yeah, no, I thought, sort of, because because I cried a lot for no reason.

He's very nervous that the whole repressed molested and just didn't remember.

The repressed memory theory, which is like mostly bullshit,

has enabled people to all like steal molestation away from people who

steal molestation, Valor.

That was actually a topic on the last show.

Oh, okay.

Well, Moen got molested.

Some kid sucked his face.

No, I didn't get molested.

He got molested and didn't get molested.

It was molestation.

It was light.

It It was light.

It was a light molestation.

It's like sometimes kids played.

It was a doctor.

This was two kids playing molestation.

Yeah, they were playing suck your dick against your will.

Yeah.

That's actually, that was the original concept of operation.

Did you give him operation?

Yeah, you have to suck the guy's dick without him buzzing.

That's what being a doctor was, like, just sucking people's dick.

Like, that's why they used leeches.

Yeah,

literally.

In ancient Rome, yeah, the doctors were just guys that were gay.

It was all about sucking.

100%.

How about these doctors in like the 40s and shit that when women came into them with anxiety or whatever, they just fingered them until they felt better?

Like that shit.

That was fucking funny.

And they ate the

hundreds.

That's how, yeah, vibrators were invented.

It's crazy that that's like.

Wait, that's real?

Yeah, 100% real.

Vibrators were invented by a doctor that had like hand pain and was like tired of masturbating women.

I mean, they must have gotten hard.

I'm surprised that wasn't a Nick episode, or at least not in as much of the Nick as I've seen.

No, it wasn't a Nick episode.

You seen them all?

I've seen them all.

Yeah, that show's great.

That show's really good.

Never seen it.

I don't know.

We should ask Danny Hurts' our host's father, who's a graduate of Howard University Medical Center in Washington, D.C.

Yes, we should ask him.

That's a great idea.

Let's involve people that aren't on mic and are just passively in the fucking room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They can't contribute to the fucking conversation.

You fucking imbecile.

Do you have any more of them jokes that you want to fucking tell?

I don't know.

You guys were talking about going to a Panera one time.

Yeah, that was interesting.

Panera people.

What about this?

I bet no one's ever done this joke before.

Pantera Brad.

It's the first time that's you get cowboys from

smells

Cowboys from Smells Like Bread.

Yeah.

I would eat that sandwich.

Yeah.

What are other Pantera songs?

Respect.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, their cover.

They covered that.

No, they had Respect.

Are you sucking my dick?

Yeah.

Wait, remember that one?

No.

Are you talking to me?

It was the real lyric.

Are you talking to me?

I never listened to Pantera.

I was busy listening to good stuff.

This is Man in the Box Pantera.

No, that's Allison Chains.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was listening to...

You fucked it up.

That's right, dude.

What are you going to do?

I blew the whole podcast.

Didn't that guy die?

Didn't Allison Chains guy kill himself?

He died.

He overdosed from heroin.

Yeah, no, sorry.

I wasn't listening to any of that.

I was listening to Bach and things, like smart things.

The fuck out.

Yeah, I was.

Johan Sebastian.

You were listening to classical music as a child?

Yeah, my parents kept me in various shelters.

Stone Ground Wheat Temple.

Temple pilots.

That's good.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Nick's eyes were rolled in the back of his head for the last 40 seconds after coming up with that one.

It was incredible to watch him work.

Yeah, he's like a computer.

He was like a slow computer.

A slow, gay computer.

He was buffering, covered in comic

that a lot of almost people.

I'm sure the listeners will enjoy this.

Let's do more of these.

All right.

Different types of heavy metal bread.

Heavy metal bread.

What a great segment.

Up there with Panera memories.

How about this, guys?

Meal talica.

Oh, that's good.

Wow.

Meal talica.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The

um juice, this priest.

Just juice.

What the fuck is that press?

Yeah, that's good.

What about Judas pressed?

Yeah, there you go.

Judas pressed bread.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Iron made this bread today.

Made this bread.

Pumper nickel back.

Yay!

That's a really good one.

Thanks.

Okay.

They're not really mad.

Just seven or eight more of these.

And then we'll move on.

Fuck.

So during the Holocaust, do you think that there are Holocaust deniers that

just think that, oh, some gauge, there were some gay Jews, so there's some double counting going on.

The numbers are inflated.

So that got to six million.

It had to have been at least three million

cops.

Because they were all.

It can't be three million because you got you got your Jews.

You got your gays.

But what about your gay Jews?

They're counting them twice.

Yeah, exactly.

So three million Jews

in the Holocaust.

Yeah, everyone.

It doesn't add up.

Every Jewish man was gay.

Damn, dude.

You cracked the fucking Da Vinci code there.

The

Dick Vinci code code.

I just need to get my truth out there.

The Dick Vinci chode.

Thank you.

I made a lady in a lift almost cry today.

Why?

So she, the driver, first of all,

how about black sandwich instead of black Sabbath?

Oh, that's good.

Black sandwich.

Oh, tell your story while we keep thinking of these and not listen to you at all.

I don't really.

It's not really

a good idea.

Tell it.

It's not.

I mean, I could have told you guys before the pod, but Saf said, save it for me.

Oh, sure.

Blame it on me.

It's not that you're a bad storyteller.

All right, so I was in the lift today, and you know, they talk to you here, not like in New York, where they leave you alone.

And the guy said, Why are you here?

And I said, I'm here to do a podcast, to record a podcast with my friends.

So the lady sitting next to me said, Smelt Zeppelin.

Sorry.

How about the lead singer?

The lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots, Scott Subwayland.

Yeah, like Subway.

Yeah, like Subway.

Yeah,

I keep going at him.

Anyway, so this lady said, oh, podcast.

What's it called?

Hoagie Osborne is the lead singer of Kazzi.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, Kazzi Osborne.

So anyway, so this lady said, what's it called?

And I said, I don't know.

It's a comedy podcast.

I didn't want to say Come Town because she was not the demo.

She said, oh, well, the reason I ask is because I have a podcast.

It's a politics podcast.

So I said, oh, that's cool.

I have a couple friends that have a politics podcast called the Choppo Trap House.

And then she started.

So you name-dropped Choppo Trap House?

In a lift.

In a lift.

In a lift.

To strangers.

Yeah.

To fucking losers.

I didn't know.

She asked what it was called.

I said, Choppo Trap House.

No, that's not how you told the story.

Well, I wanted to make the story quicker.

I didn't want to make it.

Why the fuck would you ever try to make anything quicker on this podcast?

Okay.

So

I'll beat by beat tell you.

What part of the last 15 minutes of bread?

Go ahead.

Do you got a good one?

No, just let them go.

Anyway, so.

Share bada.

Yeah.

Like share?

Share and chibata.

But that's not even metal.

It's music for the chibat.

You could have come up with a better one than that.

That's fine.

We'll come back to it.

Anyway, so.

With Chibata, you think?

So she said to me that they are horrible people.

So I said, well, I think they're pretty nice.

They're, you know, friends of mine.

I don't think they're so horrible.

Chiabada boy, like the movie about

the moment.

So, okay, so you're trying to have sex with this woman and backfire.

So you pull your cock out, and you're like, I know Will Medeker.

No, I will.

Please suck my dick.

I know Felix.

No.

Anyway, I text Amber some time.

She said they're horrible people.

And I said, well, I don't think they are.

And she said, they have coordinated harassments on people on the internet,

and they target

women and persons of color.

So I said, I don't think that's true.

I think, you know, you could disagree with someone without it being about, you know, their ethnic or sexual identity.

And she proceeded to get really upset at me.

And

then at a certain point, just started shouting this conversation.

Bon anchovies?

Yeah.

Like Bon what?

Bon Jovi.

Bonjovies.

That's not even a sandwich.

We left.

It's just food bands.

So she was saying this conversation is.

Kazzi Cosborne.

Yes.

So like Kazzi.

But I already said Kazzi Osborne.

But now I want to make sure.

Kazzi Cosborne.

How about a beetloaf?

Like beets?

Like a vegetable.

Yeah.

Or meatloaf.

Meatloaf just works.

Meatloaf sandwich.

I'll put sandwich at the end of the meatloaf.

How about the beet tools?

Like the grateful bread.

Oh, the grateful bread.

That's good.

I don't get it.

Anyway, so she got quite upset at me.

And

the end of the story is that I, well, then I tried to apologize because she was upset.

I was like, I'm sorry.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

And I said, I'm, you know, I'm a pretty nice person.

I don't think I woke up today trying to make someone that I don't know upset.

And she said, that's the problem.

That's the problem.

You're a good guy, aren't you?

And I said, yeah.

She's like, that's the problem.

You can't even understand.

And I was like, I really don't.

Understand what?

That your life is being made worse by a podcast?

Yeah,

you don't understand what it's like to be an irrational fucking retard like me who screams at strangers in Uber pools.

So, anyway, Jesus fucking Christ.

I wish I had been in that class.

I know.

Imagine if she starts off.

If she knew, she knows Chappo.

Yeah, she knows us.

Yeah, why would I like that?

Well, my podcast, The Daily Show,

I totally forget the name.

So I forgot the name of her podcast.

And then I was like, just as a matter of interest, what was the name of your podcast?

And she's like, I'm not going to tell you.

Of course.

That's a good move.

It's probably not a good move because I wanted to look it up.

We wouldn't have harassed.

Yeah, I mean, we wouldn't have hurrah.

The end of the story is that the lift driver kept throwing his hands up

like, wow, this lady's really...

She's really crazy.

And it got really quiet.

And I had about five, ten minutes left in the ride, and just the silence was very awkward.

So I just started talking to the driver, and I said, you know, Uber is a lot cheaper here in LA than it is in New York.

And he said, well, we're not in Uber, we're in Lyft.

And so I said to him, well, I deleted Uber because the CEO was sexist to women.

Are you fucking fucking still trying to confront this woman?

No, because I wanted her to feel like I was feel bad, to feel bad, and I think I really got the last word in there, and I think I won the conversation.

What was her name?

Oh, fuck, I forget.

Because if she has a podcast, I really want to know.

We can engage in targeted harassment.

I bring targeted harassment if you open your goddamn mouth.

That's right.

She bring it upon yourself by go through your lift history.

Can I know what her name was?

I don't think it has the people that.

No, it'll just have the driver, but not who you pulled with.

She was contact the driver and get him to.

The nice thing about this podcast is because it has Adam on it, he's like just the target for harassment.

Yeah, it's true.

I get it from all sides, folks.

The right and

first of all, anyone that like bitches about targeted harassment online is usually the person behind targeted harassment campaigns.

It's the people that try to get people fired, and they're like, Well, everybody go after this person.

I brought that up, and I was like, I think I said that this person that does that is

maybe a little unhinged.

And she's like, You're saying that because she's a woman.

I was like, No, I'm saying that because she tweets at people for 12 hours on end.

Oh, who did she bring up?

Sadie.

Oh, of course.

Yeah, so did she

brought up Sadie, and I was like, Well, I think that maybe she's a little unhinged.

And she said, Obviously, you would say that about a woman.

And I said, No, I think it's just weird that she she tries to get a name.

Let's name any woman, and let's see if I call her unhinged.

Let's see how many

women that applies to.

Dame Judy Dench.

Oh, yeah, she's unhinged, unhinged, Barbara Wolf.

My opinion of women in general is that they're unhinged.

Yeah, there's not one specific fucking person.

Apparently, she thought that was gendered for me to use the term unhinged.

And then, after I said that.

It's a door.

It's a door to a bathroom that anyone can use.

An opening that anyone can slide on into.

You know.

Just,

yeah.

So

that was my.

You really can't talk shit on Hillary out here in L.A.

like you could in, you know, like you can in New York.

Yeah, everyone's a moron retard here.

Like,

especially when you're.

When you go around the street, I'm just using gendered slurs left and right, and people are yelling at me and screaming at me and honking their horns.

In a very like you can't, like you were saying earlier, you can't say any movie is bad because like someone might have worked on it.

Yeah, you know, it's very similar.

People are very strategic about yeah, a lot of people have fucked the same children Hillary has over here.

Yeah, it's true.

It's sort of, you know, who knows what kind of Pizza Gay parties they're hanging out.

Oh, fuck.

I wonder who that woman was.

I really want to know.

She was red Kahina, dude.

No, she wasn't coming from the left.

I think she was coming from the lip.

The center lib.

She's a lib.

She's a libtard.

She's a liptard.

I fucking hate libs.

She's a fucking lip tard.

Yeah, she's a total libtard.

Michael, how do you feel about libs?

I'm not a lib, but I think tactically it's immaterial whether there's the left or the lib because the median

political ideology is so far to the right.

Like this sort of infighting is just a game of competitive priorities.

Jeez, that's some smart type shit, right?

Yeah, Footy, you're you're smart about this.

I disagree, bitch.

You little sluggish bitch-ass motherfucker.

Yeah, let's take his shoes.

Take one of them.

When's gone?

I might as well not have the other.

Yeah.

I'm not just going to hop around.

Michael, what you should do is when this episode drops, you should put a rose emoji in your name on Twitter.

You'll get like more followers that way, I think.

Probably.

When are you going to put a a damn rose?

I'm never doing it.

Yes, you will.

No, because it means that you're a virgin.

If you get rose, it means that you still have your

fucked.

Your innocence.

I seriously thought the rose thing was like.

That's right.

I watched The Bachelor.

You thought it was

super popular.

He's being watched The Bachelor.

He's a communist.

I guess.

Yeah, I was at the frog one with Sesame Street.

Hey, you know, before you find your prince, you got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Hey, did you hear that there's some podcast called Shit Town?

Yeah.

What the fuck, dude?

They're stealing our whole vlog.

Yeah, the people from Cereal stole our edge.

They found out.

Ira Glass found out about our shit.

There's Crimetown and Shit Town.

Crime Town, that's not as bad as Shit Town.

Shit Town stole our essence, dude.

That's a bad word and town.

Let's fuck them up.

And forget that the first 13 episodes of this show prominently featured copyright infringement.

That, like, I don't fucking, even if someone launched a podcast, also called Come Town, I would not give a shit.

Dude, that's why

that difference between you and me, dude.

No, I'm not sure.

Look how far off the deep end I am.

I don't believe in intellectual property rights.

No, neither do I.

Michael doesn't either.

What does that mean?

I'm a copy leftist.

What does that mean?

You can just use whatever the fuck you want.

Yeah, I can own the idea.

And I'm not even like coming from a critical standpoint.

It just doesn't make sense sense to me the idea that someone can own a fucking expression.

I think freedom of expression is very important.

And I would support the idea, even though I think it's like wrong, for you to be able to

go to a very crowded area and say, you know, all black people are subhuman or whatever.

Use racial slurs.

It's fine.

That should all be protected speech.

So if that's okay, I don't understand why you couldn't go to the same space and just draw Mickey Mouse and say, will you give me $5 for this?

You'll get thrown in jail for that.

And it just doesn't, like, I don't understand

why one's okay and it's not the other.

And I'm using that, you know, not to say that hate speech or whatever should be illegal, but that intellectual property rights really just don't make sense to me.

I agree.

Yeah, and I think we can just have norms.

Like, if you're doing totally unoriginal work,

people can say, oh, that's not good.

I don't want to reward that.

But it doesn't get rewarded.

And then it's also bullshit because even then, that would be copyright infringement, the Mickey Mouse example, because you say, oh, well, you're taking money away from Disney.

And it's like, not really.

Not really.

It's not like somebody's going to be like, oh, no, I don't need to consume anything Disney produces anymore because I have this drawing of Mickey Mouse that I can look at at my home.

And I only paid $5 for it to some insane man.

There's a bodega in East Williamsburg, which isn't there anymore, that used to have on it the sign for the bodega.

It had the Shrek donkey and Witty the Pooh.

Hell yeah.

Well,

a big part of Latino culture is copyright infringement.

Yes, yeah.

Looney tunes.

Yeah, Looney Tunes.

They love Looney Tunes.

I love you.

Go to like Bushwick or any Mexican neighborhood.

Half the businesses are like Disney font.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a place

on like the Lower East side.

No, sorry.

It's in like Gramercy.

And it's

sorry, somebody's texting me something.

Who's texting you?

Why are you texting them?

Come on, dude.

Put your phone away, dude.

Is it business?

Oh, I'll finish the story.

There's a place on the Lower East side called the CBGB's, and that's where all the rockers used to go.

You got the Ramones, the Stone Temple pilots.

You got fun.

And if you thought that was good, now it's a John Varvatos.

Yeah, it is a John Varvados.

And there's a CBGB's in Newark Airport now.

Wow.

Truly the Pauper has become the prince.

I remember my first time at CBGB's, I saw a yellow card.

It was fucking awesome, dude.

Wait, when it was still open?

Oh, yeah, dude.

I saw that.

You went up there?

You saw it.

Oh, dude, speaking of yellow card, do you know what street Sava and I were on today in Santa Monica and

Venice?

Ocean Avenue.

Ocean Avenue.

Sorry, it's Gramercy.

There's a place that's called

The logo is just the Paramount logo, but it's called Danny's Two Cleaners.

I love that.

In New York, so many businesses are just called the original business 2.

It's like, it's not a fucking sequel to a business.

There are like 90 raised pizzas, right?

There's like famous original raised, there's original raised.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just talking about the ones who are like, not raised.

There's a raised pizza by mine that's called not raised pizza.

Oh, that's funny.

Now, I just mean like there's shit like there's Olympic Diner 2

or shit like that.

It's like, just name it Olympic Diner.

Who gives a fuck?

I like in DC how everyone's fighting about who had the original jumbo slice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the idea of having a pizza and just like, we're not going to cut it into as many slices.

It's a bigger pizza, and we're not cutting it as often.

And this is the Tesla of pizza.

We're changing the pizza game up.

You know what?

You sold that idea.

Thank you for putting the idea of copyright infringement and intellectual property into terms I can understand.

Because I was not following earlier when you guys were talking about like Mickey Mouse.

But when you're talking about Jumbo Slice, I'm right there with you, and I agree.

I think you can't take intellectual property.

Right.

You can't own ideas, brother.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, the idea of a caveman, he figures out fire, and then another caveman's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to do that so that I don't freeze the.

Sorry, mom.

That's mine.

That's mine.

So it's basically the elevated version of what we've talked about before on the podcast of copying.

Like, he's copying.

Stop copying me.

Yeah, it's like now corporations are literally eight-year-old boys.

So then what happens if so there's just no value in coming up with a good idea, like a good idea first?

Well, like, if you look at the history of like books and stuff, most of them were held in libraries.

The idea that like you individually own your books.

Like it was a public or something

like

consolidated collection of dogmas.

So it's sort of like giving a property right in order to have artists be compensated instead of just like, oh, well, we'll have patrons of the arts.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah, exactly.

And look at this.

All these years later in 2016,

in 2017, a little plucky podcast by the name of Come Town would find a website called patreon.com.

Yeah, we're the future of ideas capitalism here.

Yeah, it's true.

Ideas socialism.

Professor Lawrence Lessig would be so proud.

So, Nick.

Yeah.

How's it going?

Oh, I'm all right.

Singing like toast something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Toast was.

I was trying to come up with something with fucking

rush, but that's too easy.

Crust.

Rush.

Crust.

Rushetta?

Crush.

Crushetta.

Crushetta.

Rushetta.

Crust.

No, dude, rushetta.

Ruschetta.

That's good.

Yeah, all right.

Did you take the bee off?

Yeah.

Footy, did you ever do any weird shit as a child?

It seems like you might have been a strange child.

Of course.

I did weird stuff.

I used to read Dungeons and Dragons books and just

toast to toast with George Norrie.

I don't know what that is.

It was Coast to Coast.

The radio, it would be like a radio show.

It's kind of like music.

Toast.

Toast.

What was it?

Just a general radio show?

Yeah, I think so.

Conspiracy thing.

It's not particularly well-known radio show

that rhymes with toast.

Did you say you used to read the Dungeons and Dragons manual and just never play?

Yes.

You knew the rules?

Yeah, I just memorized rules to Dungeons and Dragons.

Hell yeah, dude.

What about prank?

Didn't you used to do prank calls?

Isn't there a good-ass story?

Oh, yeah.

I think that was on the show.

I stole that story.

Oh, you stole it?

Well, just tell me.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

It did prank calls, and like, normally I would be like,

do you want to get magazine subscriptions?

I'm selling magazine.

And that's your prank.

Your business is just telemarketing for free.

He didn't enjoy it.

But like in a retarded voice.

Okay, yeah, nice.

Okay, okay, okay.

That's fine.

I couldn't think of anything.

I call up this woman, and I'm like, I'm going to kill you.

That's fucking awesome.

It's so good, dude.

I'm going to kill you.

In grade school, I started this rumor that my friend Tommy, we were talking about how we all had like a friend that we bullied named

Tommy.

Yeah, I mean, did you have a Tommy, Nick?

No, I didn't have a Tommy.

I'm sorry.

Fuck a bitch.

And we would call up the local radio station and request Teddy Bear by Elvis Presley to Tommy Skinner because we started the rumor that he took his teddy bear and cut a hole where the pussy would be and put his mom's underwear in it and fucked it

in elementary school.

This was middle school.

Okay, middle school.

Okay, okay.

And while waiting for like the bus, the school bus,

when it was snowy, we went into like the baseball field and stomped out Tommy Loves Teddy in the snow, like across the whole field.

Wow.

Hell yeah, dude.

I looked him up and he's a sexual predator to this point.

I don't know what for.

You can get on those lists for like day public urination or something.

So maybe, maybe

you gotta leave an open mind.

Do you think you drove him to fucking children?

Or do you think he was getting molested while you were also bullying him and then he became a sexual predator?

I think the most likely thing is like, we made fun of him for a reason because he was a strange fellow, and that strangeness manifested later in life.

Like, it's not like my bully.

Maybe.

I mean, I was very inconsiderate of this person.

Oh, bullying is the best.

Yeah, I do think that our bullying had some effect on my Tommy Giorgiana into becoming the street magician and a rabbi.

I'm like

a failed rabbi.

You're like, such a

weird guy.

And a very dorky guy.

I was surprisingly bullying.

Did you not bully?

Or did you not get bullied?

I basically just picked up on the dynamics that I was like second weakest.

Like in prison, you just find someone worse than you and just beat the shit out of them.

And rape him all the time.

Wait, what did you tell me that when you were working that job after college as a paralegal, you got everyone to bully someone.

There was this girl who always was like, Oh, I'm out of work.

Can you give me more work?

Like,

oh my god.

And

she was overweight.

And we had like an inner office email chains, like, just mess

overweight.

And we would just refer to her as F and then the at symbol.

That's funny.

F at symbols out of you.

Is there a way you can work that into like a bread bread thing?

Hold on.

Well, she had too many carbs.

There he is.

Yeah, she worked plenty of bread into her thing.

She ate bread through her pussy, is what I'm getting at.

Okay.

Watch it, bitch.

These are new shits.

Shut up, man.

Oh, boy.

Make me fuck you, dude.

Next time you yawn, I'm putting my hard dick in your mouth.

I can't.

I can't do it.

You can't suck my dick.

I can't stay awake here.

Sorry.

It's alright, dude.

We got some nice bully tales.

Foodie, the surprising bully.

Did she ever find out you called her fat?

I don't think so, but like, we did it just on the office email.

Yeah, and they were probably monitoring it.

They probably just knew that we were monsters.

I love working in a dumbass office, dude.

It's amazing, like, when everyone's like

relatively young, like, the sense of like the clickishness.

Right, it's like school for sure.

Like, I was just amazed that I got to be in the cool group.

I thought, yeah.

I thought that was amazing.

I didn't.

They're just like, hey, you seem cool.

Oh, man, that's such a rush.

The standards are so much lower.

I remember I worked at a fucking para.

I was a paralegal for one year at a foreclosure law firm in Baltimore.

And fuck, dude, that was one of the most depressing jobs I've ever had.

I remember there were no.

I think one of the partners killed himself because they were like embezzling money.

But there was like no standard of fucking professionalism whatsoever.

Everyone's getting sexually harassed like 24-7.

So

the lawyers?

Yeah, like, but not even lawyers, like, yeah, lawyers and then like the bosses.

And there's this one guy who just, this one fucking ugly ass white trash woman.

He made her take pictures of her pussy.

Oh my god.

He just shifts off.

And this just just ugly ass bitch is like, okay, we just go to the fucking, we'd go to the parking lot and just take a picture of her pussy.

Oh my god.

We all knew she was doing it and everyone was just like, okay with it.

I don't find like just a picture of the pussy.

No, that's the other thing that's so weird.

It's not appealing.

Like you need context.

It's just like it's a power thing.

And then he would show everyone her put like everyone would see.

Yeah, So, that's the thing.

It's like

it was gross.

I didn't want to see her pussy.

It was fucking disgusting.

She usually not, oh, that place fucking sucks.

What was this?

The foreclosure?

The foreclosure law firm.

Yeah, it was called Morris Hardwick and Schneider.

Didn't you get fired from there?

Oh, I got fired big time.

I stopped.

The work you see showing place.

Yeah, yeah.

That's pretty amazing.

Well, I stopped doing it.

You got Viver not looking at the pussy.

We can't

status to read that.

There's something uppity about that fat, bald boy.

I had longer hair back there.

Very weird.

We have a particular looker.

You're not fitting in with our corporate culture.

We're going to need to see that taint.

I would flash taint.

No, I just stopped working there.

Basically, I felt baggage was a foreclosure for law firm.

So I got hired in July, and I worked for a month.

And then, like,

in August, I started slowing down.

By September, I wasn't doing anything.

And then I didn't get fired till March of that next year.

It's surprising how long Marshall just carried forward.

It was incredible.

My law firm was asbestos settlements.

All day, like, looking for...

Sorry.

Oh, no.

No.

Sorry.

This is

x-ray, not a CT scan.

Just looking for poor people to fuck up a comma on something so that they don't get their money from a fucking

slum lord.

This is fast the time bar for

me.

I felt horrible working in a place like that.

Yeah.

Just stealing money from the poor.

I just made a spreadsheet that did my job and then took four-hour lunches.

That's incredible.

I'm glad I work at a good law firm right now that fights for women to get money from their husbands.

That's where I'm working.

What do you think is legal but shouldn't be legal?

What is legal but shouldn't be legal?

Oh, interesting.

Like,

copyright should be legal,

but what's the other end?

Like, what's something that you could do?

Uh, not fucking fucking me.

Every woman I want to fuck nothing is.

Denying you should be illegal.

Yeah, women owe me sex.

You're entitled to sex, Sabbath.

Yeah, thank you.

It's about time someone.

I think societal beauty standards should be illegal.

Everything should be much more body positive.

I think we're saying things that should be legal or should be illegal.

Should be illegal.

Trans fats.

Trans fats.

Trans fats should be illegal.

I don't know.

Is that what you said?

No, they're delicious.

I don't know, dude.

I don't give a fuck about society.

Like maybe getting a midget and having plastic surgery on the midget so that it looks like a child.

Like a specific child.

That's illegal.

Is that illegal?

And then takes a video of you having sex with someone's son.

It looks just like their son mailing through a mouse.

That's awesome.

It's so tight, dude.

That might be the perfect crime.

It's totally illegal.

It's totally legal.

You can't get me copper.

That's legal.

Michael, you in another life.

You could have been a criminal mastermind.

You have the perfect brain for it.

You really have an outside box thinking.

Oh, man.

I can't wait to do that with Adam's children.

What do you mean?

I'm going to find me just look like your children.

That story about the guy that got arrested for bringing Simpsons porn into Canada.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that story.

Like, because I can't imagine

needing to bring Simpson's porn

for a trip.

Yeah, for a trip.

Man's on vacation.

I need specifically my Simpsons pornography.

My suitcase is half full of Mars shipping off landing.

I don't bring enough socks

when I go somewhere.

I always fuck up and bring the wrong size toothpaste.

And you're going to bring the wrong

specifically, you have your Simpsons porn.

I'm surprised it's illegal.

No one's hurt.

I guess it's a copyright.

No, it's illegal in Canada.

Oh, okay.

Some obscenity thing?

Yeah,

because it depicts

the way it works in the US, I guess, like, you know, Lisa Simpson is far enough away from being an actual child that it's not illegal.

Okay.

But in Canada, it would be.

Oh, Simpson.

I see.

I guess, yeah.

I said The Simpsons.

That means all of them.

Oh, I just thought it was Marge with, like, big ass nauseas.

Yeah, I would love that.

That's depraved.

I thought it was

horrible.

Marge with big ass fucking nauseous.

Krusty the clown, and each point from his hair is going into a different one of the Simpsons females pussies.

I think it's funny that on the free sites, like

you can get anything, but they have the ads for like the cartoon porn.

Like, that'll cost you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can get this good free porn.

Yeah,

everything.

And then it's like, but if you want to see Brian Griffin have sex with Lois, finally fuck Lois.

That'll be $18.99 a month.

You're going to want to do this.

Well, I think that's really where the last of the money is in porn, is in really specific fetish.

Because, like, if you're really into one specific thing, I'm sure you can get it, but you actually, because there's scarcity, right?

You can

run scarcity.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I knew these girls in

Oakland who were like all living in a punk house and were all doing hair fetish porn because they all had really big bushes.

Okay.

And they were like making a ton of money.

And their primary demo was Dads in the Midwest.

Because A, Dads in the Midwest don't know how to get free porn.

And B, that's a very specific fetish.

They like that fucking hair reporter.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice, dude.

I like a woman.

All naturale.

I want to fucking, I've talked about it before, but I'll be a cam boy.

If anybody's interested, let me know.

Sell me your prices.

I want to be a camboy.

well i did get nick and soft luchador masks in mexico yeah that was always my backup plan in life is a camboy with a luchador mask on well now that i've seen your penis that would be something oh yeah what'd you think i don't understand how your foreskin does that i know it's you really weren't lying i'm not lying my foreskin completely envelops my dick so you have fimosis is that what it's like yeah yeah yeah fimosis bro you should legit just get a circumcision i can't get circed dude why you can get a traitor to my people dude you should get a circumcision i can't get circed you should get get an acrobat or a clown.

The circle.

Wait, so, but your

orgasms, don't they say that orgasms with a circumcision are more powerful?

Because there's nerve endings that are.

No, no, no.

It's better to be uncircumcised.

No, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Orgasms without a circumcision are more powerful.

Yeah.

Because they're more nerve-ending.

Yeah, but I don't think that counts for me because my dick is wrapped up in

skin.

So you could do you like come inside your skin?

No,

the top of my head pops out a little bit.

The top of my dickhead will pop out just enough.

Pissing has to be such an adventure for you.

No, no, no.

Pissing's fine.

This is just a nice, even skin.

Is keeping a cleanup challenge?

You know, shockingly, no, I don't know.

Smegma?

Not a lot of smeg.

I'll take a, you know, sometimes if I really want to be meticulous, I'll get in there, but usually I just sit in a warm Epsom salt bath for 45 minutes a day, and that'll do it, dude.

Just soak my daily bread.

What is Epsom salt versus regular salt?

It's a different chemical that's a salt.

So it's not sodium, what's this, chloride?

I think it's potassium chloride.

Potassium chloride.

But don't quote me on that, come town fans.

Is that what

when people say you smoke salts, bath salts?

No, that's a different shit.

You're not smoking Epsom salts?

Nah, like from the

how crazy it would be if somebody was just like,

holy shit, you can get fucked up off this this stuff that no one knew.

No one knew for years.

This whole time, I had a friend in high school who used to eat morning glory seeds.

He would try to push the packets of morning glory seeds.

You can get those offline, you can just get them at the grocery store.

Oh, you can?

They sell them, yeah, or like a gardening center.

Oh, wow.

And then he would eat them, and he's like, Yeah, they got put like pesticides on them, though.

You like throw up, and then you trip.

What the fuck is morning glory seeds?

You trip.

It makes you like, yeah.

Is this good selfie?

I do.

That guy used to take dramamine also.

He would take too much dramamine, and he's like, yeah, dude, you got to take it with an Adderall so you don't pass out.

And then you start seeing dead people.

And I'm like, that doesn't sound like a good time.

People in the 70s used to try smoking the inside of banana peels.

Oh, yeah.

That was Meg and stuff.

There are all these

bads to do drugs without doing drugs.

Wouldn't that make fuck you up?

I think it's very poisonous in quantity.

I think it's a bit of a shit.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What?

This shit's delicious, though, dude.

Yeah, if you like.

So shit, a little oatmeal?

You smoke some Christmas.

You know?

A little eggnog.

That's how you get that Christmas cheer.

Get your holiday cheer in a bottle.

I just put eggnog directly into my veins, dude.

Fucking hell.

Tie at you.

What?

What do you mean?

What the fuck is eggnog?

That shit's gross.

That shit does.

That's all it had.

Is it egg yolks?

Egg yolks.

Just whiskey.

And lunch.

Spices.

Egg yolk, whiskey, and fucking

discussing.

We've been watching the Great British Baking Show.

Have you seen that shit?

I've watched it before, but I'm not into it.

Lots of people are into it.

It seems like a positive nice show.

Fucking rules.

I don't understand

different than any other fucking cooking show.

Yeah, because it's not, they don't do the gimmicks.

They don't do the reality show.

The gimmick is that it's British.

No, no, it's not a gimmick.

Listen,

it's all about the gimmick country.

Listen, Edith, England is a gimmick country.

Fucking Brexit, dude, right?

Oh, yeah.

You guys want to rap about Brexit real quick?

Let's get back into it.

Let's get into some real

expertise on continental politics.

Shit, fucking Jerry.

Some guy who just read an article.

They said they were going to do it, and looks like they did it.

You know what I think is interesting

because everybody's talking about Brexit.

And have you ever thought about how Brexit kind of sounds like British exit?

What?

I wanted to sound like breakfast.

Yeah,

it sounds like crumpet to me.

Sounds like something they would do at high or low T.

They have different.

They have high T.

We already did this joke on the show.

Oh, we did.

Yeah, you fucking imbecile.

I saw your eyes

get wide, and I knew you were going to fucking do a joke with us.

You know, it's so.

you know we talk about bullying a lot and bullying is so funny I really think it's funny when it's just the guy is not in on it and owes I just slapped Adam you didn't slap me the guy is not in it didn't I slap him yeah Adam did get slapped when the guy's in on it and he becomes a Pilkington-esque character

for the for a who a Pilkington Pilkington who the fuck is Carlton Carl Pilkington the idiot from the Ricky he's like the you of the Ricky Gervais show.

The Adam?

No, you, DeSabos.

He's sexy and has a big-ass dick.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Yeah.

What makes something a bitch slap?

Sounds like I sound like

just a normal slap.

Backhand, I think, is a bitch slap.

Backhand is bitch slap?

I think if the person you slap is a bitch.

Oh, that's what makes it a bitch slap object of the slap.

I remember when I was a kid, my parents are obviously foreign, but the first time my mom heard slap upside the head, she thought it was the funniest thing.

She thought the term upside was like the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

She'd like keep calling back to it.

I didn't get it at all.

She's just like laughing.

Did she say slap you upside the head?

She heard it on the Chris Rock show on HBM.

She was like, Oh, so she was laughing at a joke.

No, she was laughing at the word upside.

And she was like, She was like,

Last night, your father and I were watching the Chris Rock show, and he said, Slap upside the head.

And she could not get it up.

What should it be instead?

Like

upside.

Just slap the.

No, I mean, it makes sense to me.

I'm goddamn

upside.

I mean, I've known the expression, but it just means I'm going to knock it.

Up the side of your head.

Up the side of your head.

I don't think the direction actually matters.

I think it's just

slap the side of the head doesn't flow as well.

Yeah, upside the head.

Yeah, it sounds way better.

Slap you upside your head.

I wish I I was dead.

You will be soon, dude.

What do you think?

Three months?

No, much longer.

Yeah, that'd be sweet.

Footy,

where do you think he really is going to die?

If I had to guess, like, probably

mid-60s.

Okay.

Yeah, on the early side, but like, nothing ridiculous.

What about me?

From what?

What do you think?

Suicide?

I think suicide, but it's like he'll never care enough to kill himself.

He'll do it a Hunter S.

Thompson way.

Oh, wow, that's high regard.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you will.

You'll have breakfast one day.

Many people just aspire to have the same suicide.

I was going to say hepatitis, but

hepatitis sounds so much more right.

Like the untreated herpes, you can't do that.

I think Nick's just going to eat breakfast one day and then just say, oh, I'm going to do it, and then do it.

Is that what Hunter S.

Thompson did?

I think, yeah, I think he was just like, that's it.

You think?

How did he kill himself?

You know, it's in my opinion.

He just decided.

That's what you call a Brexit.

You have breakfast and then you egg.

That's the real thing.

Very nice.

Did we ever do one with sourdough?

Did we ever do a.

No, I was thinking about that the whole show.

That's why I stopped talking for about 35 minutes.

I was like, there's got to be a good sourdough one.

Let's think.

When Stavros sits on a chair, that's a Brexit because he sits and the chair breaks.

Hey, wait, what the fuck?

Yeah, that's

it.

Breakfast is when Stav sits down to eat breakfast.

Eat really fast.

Eat a sandwich really fast.

Yeah.

Fuck, what could be sourdough?

Dough.

Shour dough.

No.

That's not a movie.

What runs with dough?

Oh.

Let's just think of shower dough.

Well, that's, you know what?

Well, that's a good place to end the episode.

I mean, it is.

We've done enough time here.

Wonderful.

Yeah.

You guys, it's been great, Michael, for having

so much for a dude.

Honestly, though, that midget making a midget with child shit, that's some of the funniest stuff.

That's one of the funniest shits.

Sorry you had on this podcast.

That was really good.

Sorry I got

a little quiet, but

you know, that's life, I guess.

So

thanks, Back.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

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