Ep. 48 – The Greatest Riff Of All Time

I was sipping my latte when my friend gasped.

Her phone had just alerted her to a data breach.

Again, that's when I told her about Cape.

It's not just another app, it's a mobile carrier built to protect your privacy.

No name, no address, no data collected.

Cape offers premium nationwide service for $99 a month.

First month, just $30.

Use code CAPE33 and get 33% off your first six months.

She signed up that afternoon.

And now, no more gasps.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

Very nice, my friend.

Very nice.

Okay.

Let's get it.

Woo!

Let's get it going here, fellas.

Big news week this week.

If you haven't been paying attention,

North Korea,

Iran, probably, you know,

Africa, big Africa news.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Crazy.

Cote d'Ivoire.

Yeah.

Cote d'Ivoire.

Cote d'Ivoire.

Obon Pan.

All the African countries.

Hagen-Daz,

Auntie Ann's, Spencer's Gifts,

all of these places.

There's big news going on.

They should give me O'Reilly's slot.

You could do it.

It's a big shake.

I feel like I'm qualified from a problematic standpoint.

100%.

Is he a better troll than you?

Is the real question.

No.

He's a more successful troll for sure.

I wouldn't wouldn't say he's a troll.

Yeah, he's always trolling.

No, he's like, he's not one of those guys.

It's like he's just doing it to piss people off.

He sort of is.

No, he's just a big fucking giant Irish piece of shit from Long Island.

I'll give you the last word.

It's like he's always claiming he's giving you the fucking last word.

You never get the fucking last word.

You give you the last word after he yells at you for fucking five hours straight.

And then you're like, well, Bill, I just don't see it.

All right.

Thank you very much.

That was the last word.

You had the last word and you blew it.

Now for my last word.

Fag it.

This is the O'Reilly

fagged her.

Oh, Jesus.

I can't figure out how to.

Turn the TV off.

I'm trying to

put it on mute in the background, like a real newsroom.

Oh, okay.

Have the news going.

Yeah, so.

Like, this is the war room.

Yeah.

Like where they shot Osama.

We're solemnly watching.

Why is that room so damn tiny?

You know, just thinking about it.

No, people are like, everybody crammed into the war room.

It's like, shouldn't they plan on those dudes needing chairs?

Yeah, yeah.

Half the people in there, I mean, they have like it's like the

fanciest army guys.

They have all the jewels.

That's true.

It's the most bejeweled

army men.

They need to be in that room.

That's true.

They should have a throne of some sort.

What if the other side of it is a bunch of fucking fancy shit?

What if it's a huge room?

That's all they show us.

That would be very funny.

That would be a very good physical bit for the White House.

The camera turns around and just Hillary's like laying on a big fucking pile of gold coins and rubies and shit.

Yeah.

Skulls of dead fucking

shit.

But it's in the White House, right?

I guess most of the rooms in the White House are just for tours.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Use them.

There's like an office.

When was the White House built?

Didn't England like fucked us up in the War of 1812?

1812.

They burned that shit or some shit.

Yeah, the White House wasn't finished

being rebuilt until like 1978.

They just left it all fucked up.

It was burned and shit.

Wait, no, hold on.

That's the Hollywood sign.

Yeah,

I think you're.

Which is the real Hollywood.

I mean, the real White House.

Yeah.

Ask me.

That's where the power is.

That's in the Hollywood sign.

Yeah.

Is that where does someone live in the Nauti hangs out?

Yeah, Mickey Mouse, Walt Disney,

fucking

R.A.

Steinstein.

Ira

Show Business Bird.

You know what we're talking about.

You know what we're getting at with this one.

Although those two guys and Walt Disney seemed like they wouldn't get along too well.

Yeah, I don't know.

Everybody says Walt Disney hated Jews.

Oh, yeah.

He did.

I thought there was no actual evidence of that.

Then why would he create the character Scrooge McDuck?

I don't know.

It was in the newsletter.

He hates Jews.

The band System of a Down hates Jews.

No, I'm tired of it.

Serge?

We were taught that.

Sergey or whatever.

I don't know if they actually hit it.

I don't think you saw.

What did Walt Disney actually say or do?

What did he actually say?

He seemed like a nice man that just wanted to fuck kids.

He, what?

He hid Nazi scientists.

So did the United States government.

We're in a fact-checker in.

We hid them in the movie October Sky.

Yeah,

movies, though.

Yeah,

Werner von Braun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are you doing with your thigh there, dude?

Just massaging.

Oh, look at that shit.

Look at that milky, hairy thigh.

It's just rubbing.

The gay guys that watch that listen to the show and just want to fuck you would go crazy for this view right now.

Yeah.

Ooh, a little boxer?

What do you wear?

What kind of boxers do you wear for the people?

I wear compression.

Adidas compression shorts.

Oh, shit.

You hear that voice?

Oh, yeah.

You got to stay tight at all moments.

Oh, he is.

Because

you never know.

You're going to have to be an athlete.

We keep it tight.

That would compress your balls.

Would you sell your underwear to to some weird guy who wants to sniff it and beat off?

I mean, I already sell my racism.

Fuck not.

I feel like

if anyone wants to get first to sell undies

out of us, I sell them right now.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, we said that for Savi's Golden Angels.

If you're at the $100 level,

you do get a pair of Game Worn

podcast worn.

You're a

MTA Subway summer undies from Stavi.

I'm going to go jogging.

After After a long night, I'm going to take a bike ride.

Oh, yeah.

So local news is covering, I guess, Stevie Steve.

Stevie's been found dead.

And I guarantee you, this is a police cover-up.

They shot him.

Wouldn't they just take credit for shooting him?

No, they refused to give him a fair trial.

And they're making it look like a suicide.

Interesting.

Stevie Steve.

Cover-up on good old Stevie Steve.

This This is like your InfoWars

turn for the show.

Yeah.

There are already people that are like Stevie Steve Truthers.

Really?

Really?

The guy literally videotaped himself shooting a guy on Facebook live.

You can't even edit it.

He's a crisis actor.

I sometimes look at the government put out a Craigslist ad that said, we just want somebody to participate.

We're going to stage a video.

And, you know, it was supposed to be for like a horror movie or something.

And,

you know, so he did it.

He's trying to get his acting career off the ground.

So he made the three videos.

And then the police department, the Cleveland Police Department released the videos, you know, and then they planted the car.

Wow.

And it's to distract people from Russia.

From

Russia.

Indeed, Russia.

Packing the election.

I love it.

I'm serious.

They're just showing the video on it.

No, no.

I didn't click on it.

Fuck.

I don't want to.

That's the guy that died.

Zuckerberg.

Did he kill Zuckerberg next?

Well, they didn't show the whole video.

Dude, that sucked.

I don't want to know that.

That's the guy he shot.

That's who he killed?

That cute old man?

That's a nice old guy.

No, I'm like, can we turn this off?

I'm sad now.

I'm really bummed.

Dude, I used to click on every death and execution video until I saw that ISIS video.

Well, that's people who didn't do it.

People are saying that Stevie Steve is a distraction because World War III is about to start.

And it's like, who's going to be distracted in World War III?

It's like there was a guy during World War II that was like, What the fuck is going on?

I'm still catching up on all this Walt Disney as a Nazis.

I had no idea we were, the entire world was at war again.

Yeah, yeah.

Some Irish punched an old lady, and uh, I've been fucking reading that news article.

I've been listening to some guy on the radio talk about it.

30s Stevie Steve,

yeah, Daniel Danielson.

What did they have names like back then?

Ebenezer?

Yeah.

Chip.

Either they went real nice and old or shit like

Skip.

Skippy, yeah.

Skip, Chip.

That guy.

We've talked about Crack Stakes.

Yeah, Chink Stakes in Philly.

There are probably guys named every.

There's probably Dago Jimmy.

Yeah.

What's happening in Fresno?

There's a shooting spree, according to the

CBS News.

Shooting spree.

It looks like we have a Stevie Stevens copycat killer.

That'd be a fun.

Does the Fresno Police Department have Ks on their collars?

It looked like that guy had K's.

Well, yeah, for every strikeout, he gets a K.

Yeah.

Looked like they have KK, like triple K's.

Corey Ali Muhammad, How African Americans Became Christians.

Oh, so he's a hotap guy that's going on this shit.

Is that a ring?

No, that's a tight ring.

Oh, no, those are stars.

Yeah, Yeah, they don't have K's.

I feel like we should turn the television off.

Yeah.

Oh, that guy is very smooth for an old man.

Yeah, we probably should.

Oh, look at this motherfucker.

It's John Blackstone.

John Blackson.

Oh, man, this is terrible.

This is bad podcasting.

The local news.

Guys, this will sync up really well to the local news on April, what is it?

17th?

I like that.

There's like

one of the local news places looks like it was named by a Chinese immigrant.

They have ads on the buses, and it's like, New York, number one, good morning.

And it's like, yeah, you know, it's kind of shitty news, but they got good dumplings.

Oh, fuck.

I do want some damn dumplings.

Yeah, I haven't had.

Well, actually, that's not true.

I've had dumplings twice in the last three days.

Really?

From where?

Well, I had Gyoza,

which is just

dumplings dumped, steamed dumplings from that Caribbean place that also has Chinese food that I'm just in.

Oh, yeah, yeah, in your neighborhood.

It's the best Chinese food in the neighborhood.

Yeah, but that's who cares?

I mean, me when I'm trying to order Chinese food.

There's that place in D.C.

that used to be like the fried chicken, Chinese food, subs.

That place, Yums.

I love that shit, dude.

Yeah, that would just be liquid out of your ass.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

But Chinese food wings are some of the best wings.

The best Chinese foods.

Best Chinese food restaurant is Chinese food in Baltimore.

Oh, yeah.

Remember Chinese food?

On Greenmount?

There's just this fucking haunted ass building.

It's a building.

No, it's definitional.

It's a business.

Really?

Yeah, I would drive past there at night, and there would be like this eerie yellow glow coming out of the windows.

And it's this dilapidated piece of shit building that's got to be a hundred years old that they've never done any maintenance on.

I mean it looks like Danzig's house actually.

Yeah, yeah.

Cool.

Spooky.

Yeah, that's where Danzig eats.

This is just some of the food I eat.

This is actually a meal that werewolves would eat

which are real by the way.

I'm 53 years old.

He's older than that now, dude.

He's like, he's got to be in his 60s.

Yeah, something like that.

But that Chinese joint is literally just a piece of plywood.

A piece of plywood was painted white and then red stencils.

It just says Chinese food with no space in between.

Like, dude, there are parts of Baltimore that are just, it's a third world kind of.

That's a step up.

Like, there's a restaurant in Syria that's like,

for example, right now, literally a block away from Johns Hopkins, which is where Chinese food is.

Wow.

Yeah, dude.

Is the food good?

It's great.

It's great, dude.

Yeah.

The best Mugu Gai Pan.

I fuck with the Mugu Gai Pan.

I only get genny sows.

I only get fucking,

I like it when you order it and then they bring it to you and the waiter goes, yeah, genital's chicken.

And it sounds like genital's chicken.

Genito's chicken?

I'm like, yeah, that's me.

That's pretty good.

I want the dick and balls.

Yeah, no, I do general sows.

I do sesame.

That's just General Sow's, dude.

Yeah, very similar, but there's sesame seeds on top.

I went to some piece of shit place on the Lower East Side, and I got sesame chicken, and the guy's like fucking packing it up, the cashier, and then like,

you know, it's very quick.

You know, it's like a New York restaurant, everything's going fast.

And the guy, like, takes the box of the prepared meal with the rice and the, you know, broccoli and it opens it in front of me.

And then next to the cash register is like a change cup filled with sesame seeds.

And it just grabs

it.

Closes the box

Next to the paper clips.

Sesame seeds.

And that's how they make the sesame chicken.

Like badass.

Yeah, New York Chinese food, like the takeout is some of the worst on fucking earth.

Yeah,

they're like some gems.

Yeah, but no, you can't.

I mean, of course.

Yeah, but it's New York.

By and large, the takeout just sits.

It is really bad for the most part.

But the good authentic shit, I go in there, dude, I guess

some fucking flushing, some soup dumplings.

The best places.

suck those off like they're like a fucking steamy little ball sack.

Those are delicious.

You bite it and then just

through the top, yeah.

I love that shit.

I love getting top.

Well, you blow into it because it's so steamy and hot.

You know how they make that?

It's a gel.

The soup part is a gel.

And they warm it up.

And then when they steam it, it liquefies.

Dude, science.

You hear that, guys?

Science, dude.

I thought they froze it.

And then you just wrap the frozen ball in dough, and then you boil it.

No, I think it's like a gelatin.

Then when they steam it, whatever.

Perhaps.

The best, my favorite place is on Mott, that place.

What's it called?

Wohop.

Where they don't even fuck around with chopsticks.

You just get a fucking fork.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's all about shoveling.

Wohop's 24 hours.

I think you should go to Wohop tonight at midnight.

Yeah, it is 24 hours.

I should do a light.

But you fuck around and go to the upstairs Wohop.

The downstairs Wohop is both.

Downstairs is better.

It's the same exact thing.

I think they're different restaurants.

It's a different floor.

It's literally kitchen.

I'm telling you the same exact thing.

The downstairs Wohop is better than upstairs.

That's fucking retarded.

That's the most bullshit hipster take.

It's not hipster.

You think it's a different.

What do you think is the difference?

The difference is downstairs.

I've seen it where there's a line for the downstairs.

And the difference is.

Because people are stupid like you.

No, that's not fucking idiots like you.

Because they're two different restaurants.

Smart big gentlemen like me and Nick would be going upstairs.

They got nicer seats upstairs.

The downstairs one has the pictures of the celebrities all over the world.

you claim that there's a red there's two restaurants

at a schneider table he wants to

sit next to the picture of bruce willis i just eat off uh i want to eat the same place where hootie

yeah

i yeah i mean what was i gonna say that guy gets fucking mad he's like oh i'm not my name isn't hootie darius rucker yeah he gets mad that people call him hootie yeah he's like yo i'm not hootie well don't call your band that yeah that's that's entirely your fault.

Yeah, he's the front.

There's something else I could call you.

Oh, what?

Darius.

Yeah, I think you'd actually prefer that.

I guess I could call him that if I really.

Oh, I thought of something else.

Oh, did you?

What is it?

What's the name?

Mr.

Rucker.

I used to work with a guy named Darius.

That would be respectful.

Respect.

I worked with a Dominican black guy named Darius Arius.

Yes.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Fuck

all good names.

Wait, on the truck?

No.

When I was a teenager.

Oh.

I didn't even know Dominicans before I moved to New York.

Really?

Yeah, there were only

Mexican people in the West.

Oh, right, right, right.

And then in D.C., it was Salvadorians.

Salvadorians.

Yeah.

Baltimore had a strange mix of everything.

But up here, it's like there are a ton of Dominicans and Dominicans.

There were these Dominicans.

Well, they moved here

to be on the Jankees.

Yeah.

Los Janquis.

Bamos Los Janquis.

They all

falsified their birth certificates.

The Janke Stadium.

He lived by the Janke Stadium in the Bronx.

They all look like they're 47 years old, but they were born in 1996.

Yeah, it's true.

What was the pitcher?

That kid that was in the Little League team that was like, that was like 19.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck, what was his dude?

He had a kid, he was just destroying

all the little babies.

Danny Almonte.

That's right.

Yeah.

That was like a shit.

And like facial hair and shit.

I love that shit.

They're like, this literally World Series feed up, Jenny Elvis.

Groan.

Yeah.

Shit's awesome.

He's also on the community 10 years ago.

That guy, Thawn Maker, they say he's 19.

The guy's clearly like 23.

Oh, the Somalian guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's dark as hell.

Is he Somalian or he's from Sudan?

He's from all over the place.

Yeah, Sudan.

He grew up in Australia, whatever, whatever.

But there's like videos of him when they were faking, when they were pretending he was 16, and he's clearly 19.

And he's just like

dunking off on like four-foot-white children.

Yeah, but his body was fucked up weird.

He was like 7'2 and he weighed like 150 because he's always been huge.

Yeah.

I love that shit, dude.

I love just fucking fake children, athletes.

It's so fucking good.

That's the best.

Hollywood's kind of the opposite.

They get adults that have like the Andy Milanakis disease.

Oh, yeah.

And those guys blow up as child stars.

Yeah.

That's with Andy Milanakis.

Has he done anything recently?

Hang out with Brandon?

He's got a really big steam.

What is it?

Not Steam.

What's the thing with

Twitch?

Twitch.

Yeah.

big on that.

He's beat off on Twitch.

No.

Brandon told me that he hung out with Andy Milanakis, and he was like, dude, he was like online the whole time.

Like, it was impossible to hang out with him.

I was like, oh, wow.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You're annoying.

Wow.

Wow.

It's like Brandon's never looked in a front-facing camera before.

You can take a long, hard look into the Snapchat application, Brandon.

So, Twitch, you play video games.

You don't beat off.

But don't cam girls do Twitch too?

Is that like hot girls that play Call of Duty or something?

I don't think you're allowed to jack off on Twitch.

Wow.

I think they'll ban you.

That's fucking bullshit, dude.

I know my nipples.

You could have like the lead project.

You could have like almost Areola showing.

Have you seen that shit where women will get their nipples surgically modified to look like

tattooed?

Yeah, hearts or

stars.

Yeah, it was crazy.

I was into it just as a beat off exercise i love this but i microphone smells like urine i don't know it's probably the cat pistol yeah there's cat hair everywhere by the way yeah no this shit is a fucking mess dude

and i'm looking fresh i got a spot i want to go get my dick sucked you know yeah i probably won't you probably like

Send Ernest's shit to Locks of Love or a company that makes like sweaters for homeless people.

Absolutely.

Yeah, there's so much hair on this fucking thing.

It's unbelievable.

Looks like my father's pubes actually, just a gray mound.

Does your dad have grey?

Do your dad's pubes look like?

I don't know what they look like, but they taste really good.

Thank you.

But they taste like cinnamon.

Greek Christmas, instead of Santa Claus, it's just a giant old crotch.

It's like you sit on a lap and there's a huge old penis covered in grey pubes.

And you hug it, you tuss it.

Yeah.

And then the presents come out all over your face.

That was a dick.

Yeah.

Wow.

Was there like a Father Christmas in Greek?

Yes.

Ours is Saint

Saint

Nicholas?

Yeah.

No, no, Ayos Vasilis.

It's Saint Basil.

And what's his deal?

He just...

Similar shit, but he comes on New Year's.

I don't know why.

Christmas ain't shit for Greek people.

It's always New Year's.

His deal was very similar.

I don't know.

There's no...

I don't know why some people chose Nicholas and some chose fucking

St.

Basil.

No, I think other cultures all have the same version of that.

We got Hanukkah Harry.

He's a.

That's that's a.

He comes around and slides a check for $18 under your pillow.

Isn't that what it is?

Isn't John Lovitts?

Isn't that a John Lovetts sketch?

Hanukkah Harry?

Maybe.

Okay.

Because it's alliterative.

Yeah.

How about Hanukkah Harry Reid?

That's a SNL?

Here I come.

Billy Baldwin will be stealing that impression from you soon.

I met Harry Reid a couple times growing up.

I met Harry Reid a couple times.

Yeah.

Ooh, I grew up.

I went to his office.

To lobby for Israel.

By the way, that is not a joke.

He lit Adam literally.

Yeah, he gave us a series of talking points.

And he obviously left the meeting to go meet the Jews, the Jewish children.

Well, he's Jewish.

Or his wife was Jewish, but he got her to convert to Mormonism.

And my parents were so happy about it.

He was Jewish, and then he's Mormon.

He was lying about it.

He's Mormon.

No, he's Mormon.

So more storefront use.

He actually has a really

cool backstory.

What is it?

He grew up in this small middle of nowhere town called Searchlight in Nevada.

And his mom made beds or something.

Yep.

And he was a boxer.

He was a golden gloves boxer.

His mom.

Yours.

Mine.

Yeah, she was hurt.

Do you know why?

At home?

Do you know why?

Why do you think they might have gotten messy?

Why did they get messy?

From sleeping?

No.

What do you mean?

You gotta be good visitors?

Maybe two of your visitors.

You gotta guess what your mom's job is.

What's her job?

To make beds after two of your best friends visited her for cash.

She paid us, by the way.

She pays us.

But it's still her job.

It's like a comedy festival.

Your mom's like, she submits to get fucked by us.

Your mom's like the

aspiring comedian and prostitutes.

She's really trying to get South by

South by four guys.

Listen, I'm not one of those guys.

Suck by my.

South.

Suck by suck fuck.

South by

all fours.

I'm not one of those guys that's like, don't fuck my mom.

I'm so tired.

Suck by fuck

breasts.

Fuck.

It doesn't start with an S.

Shut up.

It's also an ass.

Fuck up.

So it's like sex.

Cross.

By sex breasts.

It's like moto cross.

And then in three parentheses.

And then the woman is Adam's mom.

Sex with some woman.

Listen, I'm not one of those guys that's like, don't fuck my mom.

Like, you guys are my friends.

I'd be happy.

We were just telling you.

Anyway, I'm not friends with bad people.

Anyway, finish your story about Harry Reid's mom.

Oh, no.

So we went to Harry Reid's office.

Searchlight.

No, no, no.

You were telling a different story.

Oh, no.

He was a golden gloves boxer.

And then he

came from nothing, and then he got a law degree.

Would you say he would beat stuff up?

He would beat up Mexicans.

You know what gets beat up a lot?

What?

A certain mom's pussy.

Hit him with the left.

Anyway, the right.

And then what else happened in Harry Reed's life?

Well, one time

your mom.

A pregnancy test after every day at work.

My mom can't get pregnant.

She's too old.

The hairy part is her pussy.

Woo!

Yeah.

Anyway,

who cares about that gay ass story?

Yeah.

Who cares, dude?

I was searchlighting for a punchline while you were telling that story.

Well,

I was trying to tell the story of going to his office.

Whatever, man.

Sounds gay.

You know what they need a searchlight for?

Find your dick, man.

Oh,

flipped it on him.

He got a little ass dick, my man.

Hombre to see.

Why would they use a searchlight?

Like, they're like helicopters.

Just flying around my house.

Trying to find your dick.

Using a helicopter.

There's like Bloodhound.

There's like a bunch of guys.

Please stay in your vehicle.

We're looking for a very small dick.

Stay in your pocks.

There's a very small dick somewhere around here.

We're going to find it.

So, John, just chill out.

Don't worry.

The dick isn't yours.

It belongs to someone named Adam

Friedland.

It's whose small dick we're looking for from

this series of helicopters.

That's so funny.

Those chopper pilots were in Vietnam.

Oh, yeah.

So talented.

Yeah, the trans one.

The trans one from OJ?

Yeah.

I watched Blackhawk Down again recently.

Oh, good flick, dude.

Your good friend Tom Seismore is in that.

Yeah, he unfollowed me, though.

What?

Dude, everyone is in that movie.

Eric Bana, Jeremy Pivot,

William Fickner.

Everyone.

Yeah.

Jack Nicholson.

Whoopi Goldberg.

Yeah, Whoopee Goldberg.

Robert Williams.

Lawrence Olivier.

Yeah.

I'm in it.

I'm in the movie.

You were in it?

I was in Blackhawk Down.

Were you one of the Somalis?

No, it's a deleted scene where I fuck your mom.

In Blackhawk Down

on the helicopter while the Blackhawk is looking for your dick.

Oh, wow.

That really brought that whole thing full circle.

It did.

Hey, sorry that some of us are trying to have a good fucking show here.

When you're all bummed out about your mom being, you know, a whore or whatever.

And I'm doing good-ass helicopter noises.

This is a really good memorial.

We got Stob on the Michael Winslow ones and twos.

Michael Winslow is, that's the beauty of black autism.

Oh, yeah, he's my number one black autist.

That's the only guy I would ever go pay to see.

Have you seen him?

Have you seen him do the

shows with Irwin?

Have you seen him do the whole beginning of Star Wars?

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen him.

Oh, God.

Virtuoso.

He can't do voices.

He can only do sound.

He can do that.

It's crazy.

He can't do impressions.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

Wow, Michael Winslow.

He's probably still alive.

Opening doors, closing them.

Yeah.

You know what's funny to find out is that

Carl Winslow is gay.

Reginald Vel Johnson.

Yeah, of course he is.

You can't have Vel in your name without being gay.

He also looks so gay.

Like when you think about it.

Steve,

he's like,

how much would it cost to get your name legally changed to Stavros Velhawkis?

I don't know.

Luther was gay, too.

Did you want to do it?

Can we all change our names legally to

Adam Vel Halkis?

If we hit $20,000 a month, we will all legally change our names.

Wait, was it Vel Johnson one word or hyphen?

It was like Del, but then Val.

Yeah, like of the

fun.

Dude, it's like.

20 G's a month.

I am Stavros Velhalkis, I promise.

At 20 G's in the Patreon?

Yeah.

That's chill.

Hell yeah.

Stavros Velhalkis.

Dude.

I've disappointed my parents enough.

I might as well fuck up their last name.

Well, it's not the last name.

It's a middle name.

Oh, give myself a new middle name.

I have a shitty name.

What's your middle name?

Dean.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Adam Dean Friedland.

It doesn't sound good, I don't know.

That sounds like a bad porn star, Adam Dean Friedland.

He's named after the guy that would

come visit his mom.

James Dean, James.

Yeah, he was the leader of the pack.

He used to come around from Vermont.

No, Dean, the porn star, the fucked.

Oh, the rapists?

Yeah.

He beat women or something?

Yeah, he did.

He raped

Sasha Gray.

No, not Sasha Gray.

The other one.

Starla.

I think.

From Little Rascals.

Darla?

He raped Darla from Little Rascals.

He did?

Yeah.

What about the dog with the little thing on his arm?

certainly got the thing on his eye.

My dog, that's my dog.

He had mushroom stamp.

Actually, the other kid, Alfalfa, that's come.

He has a

circulation.

Yeah, I'm sure no one's made that joke before.

No, definitely.

You got to stay in the safe zone of original content, which is threatening to fuck Adam's mom.

I don't know if that's a ridge, though.

It is a ridge flow.

I think it is.

Who are we stealing it from?

Most of us are Ourselves.

Louis C.K.

Did Tignitaro already do a sketch about...

Did you see that story?

That she hates Louis.

Louis stole my clown birthday sketch.

And it's like, you're both 60 years old.

No, no, I thought

she got mad at a stupid fight.

Yeah, she got mad at her birthday sketch.

No, he's an EP on her show.

What's that?

He's an EP on her show, and she hired all her friends to write for him.

Yeah, I know the story.

Yeah.

I don't care, is my point.

Because who gives a shit?

What Nick is saying is that clown sketches are gay.

Is that your stance?

What is it about a clown?

How did he say that?

The joke is: what if an adult got a clown for themselves because they were depressed?

Okay.

And that's like the same sketch.

He did it stand-up?

No, he did SNL.

He did it on SNL.

Oh, so she's mad at him?

Who cares?

We should do a sketch.

He fucking put out her album that made her super famous.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah, this is a good sketch.

So she owes him everything.

She owes him a huat man.

In a lot of ways, she did order a clown for herself.

And that clown's name was Louis C.K.

Wow.

And he changed her life.

He said, you know what?

You might have breast cancer, but

there's still a life to live out there.

And he changed everything for her.

She's very funny.

And then

he stole her clown birthday sketch.

I mean, yeah, I don't know what happened.

If you've stole it, it's fucked up.

It's my.

Did you watch the new Louie?

I watched it.

I liked it a lot.

I liked it a lot, too.

Yeah, it was really good.

It was pretty dark.

It was pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Big fan.

That's our review, guys.

That's our review.

Also,

we're taking shots at the top comedians.

Other media to review.

What else?

What else?

We should do a segment where we recommend great media.

There's no time when we have to gang record all these episodes.

There's no time to do anything in the in-between.

That's true.

I watched it literally since the last time we recorded, I watched four and a half minutes of Indiana Jones.

I ate an entire box of cereal.

And that's it.

What kind of cereal?

Special K?

Oh, fuck that, dude.

I like it, actually.

It's good.

You mean no strawberries?

No, the strawberry one.

Okay, I'm not going to come out.

I come with the freeze-dried strawberries.

Yeah, astronaut strawberries.

Cool.

They never had that, huh?

You know what astronauts do?

They

fly to the Hubble telescope.

They use it

to find your dick.

They I do it.

They take a plane.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

I love this.

I love that we're all in on this.

You hear me?

Here's what else.

Okay.

Here's what I was thinking, guys.

We should start pandering more to our British and Australian fans.

There are a lot of

Australians that like Comtown.

So, what's the most popular Australian shit?

Saying good day, Vegemite.

Vegemite.

Yeah, Vegemite.

Australian shit.

I'm going to look up.

Hey, Vegemite, how about Vegemate?

Like, that's what you call it.

Hey, Vegemate.

Very small shorts.

They love that.

Yeah, yeah.

The cowboy hat that's fucked up on one side of the city.

Wait, did one of their politicians accidentally say Come Town on TV recently?

I don't know.

I think so, yeah.

Someone tweeted that at us or something.

I'm Googling things Australians like right now.

This is a good.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep that.

Let's do this.

And then we're going to pander to them.

Things Aussie's like.

A list of the things.

Okay, this is some bitch named Amy who's Australian.

Oh fuck, there's so much text.

Their grandparents were criminals and whores.

Do you know the story about Backsteakhouse?

Yeah.

Yeah, they're from Tampa.

You've sent this seven times.

Maybe ten times on the podcast.

They've got a picture of George eating a Snickers bar with a fork from that episode of Seinfeld.

That's something that they like in Australia?

It looks like that's what Australians like.

But do they like Seinfeld down there?

Yeah, it's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, but Kramer, he uses good words.

Every Australian.

I really relate to Kramer.

Every Australian I know always comes to America and they're like.

We call them ABBOs.

Oh, shit.

Isn't that their N-word?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's why they like Kramer.

Oh, okay.

It's just a word.

Oh, stop.

Stop this shit as fast.

So, I gotta say, listen, I don't like the farting, but your farts have gotten better.

I'm sweating.

They're healthier farts.

Well, his asshole is much looser than his.

I've been eating.

He's been having sex with men.

Australians always

ask for cake.

Can I have a cake?

We can't find any cake.

Can't have a how about a character?

It's Bugs Bunny, but his middle name is Chasing.

Bugs Chasing?

That's his first name.

Bugs.

Bugs Chasing.

Bugs Chase.

Chasing.

Oh, I think Chasing Chasing.

So it's Bugs Bunny, but he's like, yeah, what's up, Doc?

Do you have HIV?

Do you have unprotected sex?

That's the joke.

That's really good.

That's pretty cool.

I'm pitching that to Six Flags.

When they lose their deal with Warner Brothers and they need to rebrand all those characters,

Bugs Chasing Bunny, Daffy

Daffy Cuck.

Daffy Dick.

Daffy Cuck.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know what happened.

Daffy Dick's not bad.

Guys,

they did have.

Oh, Adam bringing meat.

Thank you.

Wow,

that was so fun.

It was fun.

I'm telling you.

We're turning.

This show is so good.

We're really, we've reached the peak of fucking podcasting, dude.

How about this?

No, no.

This is a real thing I saw at Six Sides, the Trans Manian Devil.

Oh,

it's like like steak and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I posted a picture on it.

Yeah, yeah, I saw it.

It was cool.

Okay.

Here's a list of things Australians don't like.

Okay, let's go.

Kiwis.

Ooh, fuck them.

They don't like.

Oh, New Year's.

Guess what, guys?

We don't like them either.

Oh,

you mean people from New Zealand from regular

fruits.

You're like, yeah, fuck fruits and vegetables.

Yeah,

all they eat is steak, dude.

They eat steak and blue.

Kangaroo steak.

Yeah.

They don't have cows over there.

They saw kangaroo.

Australian fabi.

Apparently they have heaps of molly, though.

They have a lot of molly.

Yeah.

Because we're close to Thailand.

We get all the molly coming over from Thailand.

You can make it anywhere.

It's like.

Apparently, you get great molly in Thailand.

Here's another thing they don't have.

You can't find cake.

Here's another thing that we can do.

That's why when we're in New York, we say, Did you have any cake?

They don't have Coke in Australia?

You can't find cocaine.

You gotta call like seven, eight guys.

This is like one Australian guy you met that's a drug addict.

No.

Well, you get cocaine or coconut.

I know.

I know.

You know what they love?

Ace.

A bunch of Australians.

What?

Isn't that where they're from?

They're from Australia.

CNT.

Oh, they love.

You know what they love?

Sack my topic.

Don't they love ABBA?

That's not from Australia.

Yeah, no, but that movie.

It's ABBO's, dude.

That movie, Mama Mia, is Australian, but it's all the.

Here we go again.

It's all the Mama Mia is the Broadway player, not Superman.

woman.

Yeah.

Mario is,

you know,

he's just trying to sing and dance, and then Wario shows up, and he's like rapping about what it's like to be a banker.

What else is Australian?

The Bee Gees are Australian.

I don't know.

I tried to, like, I honestly cannot tell you more than one.

I have no idea what happens in any musical.

Okay.

Yeah, you do.

You like musicals low-key.

No, I don't.

Oklahoma?

Dude, sound of music you riffed on about the birthday.

My dick is alive

with the smell of policy.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, I would fuck.

What's her name in that movie?

Julie Andrews.

No, but the character's name.

I don't know, man.

Sound?

Maria.

Maria.

That's a how do you solve it?

She reminds me of Westside Story.

Oh, yeah, there's the Maria

Maria, Maria.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Now, that's a good jam.

The Carlos Santana?

Yeah.

Who are those two black guys?

No one remembers.

In Santana?

Yeah.

It's a single name.

No, no, it was all features, dude.

Well, what are they?

Because he had Rob Thomas on a track.

Smooth.

Number one song of all that.

Everyone knows that.

For real, that's the song we should have sent to space.

Smooth?

Smooth.

What song did we send to space?

Something fucking gay, probably.

Something from the 60s, probably, right?

Isn't that when they sent

the Beatles or some gay shit like that?

Frank Sinatra.

Maybe actually, maybe Sinatra.

We shouldn't have let the Italians control that satellite.

You know what?

I'm the producer.

I'm fact-checking this one.

Record we sent into space.

We sent like a vinyl?

Yeah, anytime we have to Google stuff on this show, it really comes to a screeching halt.

No, keep it going, you boys.

Well, okay.

So,

what are some other ones, maybe, that we could have sent?

We could have sent the song Duhaas Ramstein.

What the fuck is that?

You don't remember Duhaas?

No.

Duh.

Duhaast.

Duhaas Nikt.

Duhaas Nikts.

I don't know that.

Industrial popped up out of obscurity for like two hot years.

Yeah, yeah.

When Orgy was hot, Marilyn Manson came out of that.

Marilyn Manson, Ninishna, KMFDM.

What's KMFDM?

Another shitty industrial.

Talk fuck, mother's dick.

Thanks.

It's

gay shit.

Adam's.

There's a new band called Adam.

A-M-F-D-M-S.

Adam.

A-N-A-L.

Adam's cousin.

A-C-D-C stands for Adam's.

Adam's cock to sucking Kamam.

Boom, baby.

Ragau.

Slam dunk.

He's from downtown.

Oh, he's gay.

He's eating up.

He's eating up.

He's trans.

He's trans.

He's trans.

He's from downtown.

Boom, Shakawaka.

They're taking her penis off.

NBA Jam, folks.

That's a classic Super Nintendo.

You can play as Bill Clinton.

For real?

Yeah, you remember that?

There's that code.

If you beat it?

Bill Clinton and Al Gore?

Yeah, if you put your initials in in a certain way, you could play as Bill Clinton and Al Gore.

Wow.

That's so good.

If you fucking, yeah.

He's eating up.

That was a good-ass game.

Yeah, I used to fuck with that.

Sonics were good.

Yeah, fucking Kemp on that game.

Kemp and Peyton.

Here's the gay shit you sent into space, by the way.

Bach, suck me off.

Ugh.

Mozart, Beethoven.

I just love the idea of aliens being like, what the fuck is this?

This gay shit.

That's the first gay shit I've ever heard, dude.

Yo, let's invade this planet.

That should be the background.

That should be like the origin story for every, like, for Independence Day.

They should make an Independence Day 3 that's a prequel.

And the aliens are like,

this is the lamest shit I've ever heard.

Yeah, yeah, this music's lambda.

And then the aliens are like steaming towards Earth, and it's like, doohas!

And they're

industrial fans.

Also, someone named Blind Willie Johnson, Guan Pingu.

I don't know what the fuck that is.

Guan Pingu.

Yeah, by Johnny folk music by Elbow Player College.

Dude, no one on Earth knows what the fuck that is.

How did you confuse aliens?

They should have sent fucking smooth, dude.

You're right.

But they did have, I will give them, they had some Bulgarian folk music, but they also had

Johnny B.

Goode.

Oh.

Recently deceived.

By the piss

boy.

Piss viewer.

Piss boy.

Piss watcher Chuck Berry.

Christian Berry.

Yeah.

Who learned everything he knows from Michael J.

Fox.

Wow.

No fucking Italians.

It's crazy, you know?

A lot of blacks.

You know?

Azerbaijanis.

What the fuck is that shit?

It's like an Iranian Russians.

Yes, or

it's like a weird, weird country.

Some flute player from Azure.

Yeah, this shit sucks, literally.

I mean, that is...

Like, who the fuck knows what that is?

Why would you say this is like the best example of what's going on on Earth?

It should just be pornography.

Like the biggest, juiciest titties.

I think it's fine.

Yeah.

Why the fuck not?

It doesn't matter.

This is our shit.

Like, do you think aliens are going to have any understanding of culture or fucking?

Yeah, dude, they should have just sent Lisa Ann up there, dude.

But would they even know what to do?

Like, if they saw titties, would they get hard?

What?

Would aliens get hard if they saw it?

Of course they would, dude.

It's a given that they have dicks.

Of course they would.

Or whatever, you know, would their alien pussies get wet or their whatever holes or, you know, their fucking alien.

They have like a big alien mouth and a small alien mouth that comes out.

You know, they're like, like a small.

Do they have a special mouth for eating pussy?

Well, that's.

Have you seen the film Alien?

I literally haven't.

That's how it looks.

I literally haven't seen Alien.

This is what that alien coming out with Danny McBride.

Do you see that?

That looks horrible.

That room is

with all the fucked up Ripleys.

It's because the alienate her pussy.

And that's why she got, that's from Aliens 3.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

You remember that one?

I think so.

Like the botched Ripley clones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Actually, that might be Resurrection.

No, Resurrection is the prison one, right?

I don't remember.

I mix up all this.

Isn't there one where there's like a jacked alien?

Is that what Prometheus is?

Yeah, Prometheus is.

Well, that's the one.

Predator is jacked.

Predator is like a dude that has dreads, sort of, but it's an alien.

Yeah, Predator is just a Caribbean guy.

Did you see Aliens versus Predator?

No.

That kind of ruled, actually.

I haven't seen Predator.

I mean, the only good one is

Aliens.

The first one.

No, the fucking

James Cameron one, Aliens.

Was that the second one?

The second one, yeah.

Yeah.

We got to watch that shit, dude.

We can watch it tonight.

Once we're done with our job.

Once we finish.

Once we clock out.

We're going to take our lunch, Pan.

God damn.

What a long fucking day.

At work

having sex with Adam's mom for cold hard cash.

How much does she give you?

$4,000.

$4,000.

All of your bar mitzvah money?

What?

Yeah.

I straight up think my parents stole my bar mitzvah money.

I never saw any of that shit.

I feel like every Jewish person I know says their parents stole their bar mitzvah money.

They stole that shit.

I hear that a lot.

People gave me those gifts, and I haven't seen the shit from it.

Have you ever considered it?

Did it cost money to do your bar mitzvah?

You ungrateful piece of shit.

They didn't even do a cool one, dude.

They didn't have a one-time one.

You didn't have a themed one?

No, I didn't have like a tight, like, themed dancing.

Everyone had like different.

Everyone had like, I think I went to one that was like.

Dude, my friend had the best theme ever.

You want to know what the theme was?

WWE.

Hot sauce.

Was it a church?

Converting to Christianity.

Is it confirmation?

Ari's theme was hot sauce.

Oh, it was Ari?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a cool guy.

Ari's a cool guy.

Yeah, he's a cool guy.

Did your parents also steal Ari's barman's money?

Maybe.

Your mom's like, Adam, I have to have sex with your friends.

I need all of you.

Yeah, you won't meet for another 10 years.

Yeah.

Well, she makes us hang out with you.

Yeah, actually, that's how we met.

You feel bad.

That's what gets me.

She's like, please,

our son sucks.

A lot of people were wondering what's keeping me on the pot.

I guess it's my mom's son.

Well, you know how she has to wear diapers now because we blew her ass out so bad.

And we were like, you know, I'm sorry.

Is there any way we can make it up to you?

And she's like, you can hang out with my son.

He's being harassed by helicopters.

Search party.

So we killed the helicopter pilots and then we started doing comedy because that's what you were doing.

Hell yeah.

I would love to kill a helicopter.

Woo!

How are we doing on time, dude?

I think we're doing good.

We need one good 15-minute rift.

And we can't go back to the fucking Adam's mom well.

Man, that is like a fucking just throwing a life preserver off your boat

over Adam's mom's pussy.

Just reeling Adam's mom's pussy under the boat.

Thank God.

We almost lost this one.

Not on just for free, dude.

Just for one for the, you know.

Well done.

It's going to be so funny when you get like colon cancer.

It's the fucking mic elements for whom the ass tolls for whom the dick sucks

uh

yeah dude don't ever disrespect metallica my favorite album of all time some kind of monster dude my favorite movie of all time some kind of monster that shit rules it's on netflix oh wait i'm sorry saint anger i meant saint anger oh yeah yeah yeah the documentary is called some kind of monster yeah yo that is so funny We probably talked about it.

I haven't seen it.

But I told you, I saw it in a bar with the sound off.

Oh, that's right.

So I just saw the scene where he's like describing something and he's looking inspired, and then it's him just performing for white supremacists.

Oh, in a prison.

Yeah, they do in San Quentin or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

They can't like Kirk Hammett, though.

He's gay and some kind of Mexican.

No, Kurt is like...

Kirk is like the most zen out of all of them.

He's very talented, too.

Yeah, he's super talented, and he just has a ranch in Northern California and just rides horses with beautiful flowers.

Lars is the one that really sucks.

Lars sucks.

He's like a rich kid, too.

You know, got fucked, Dave Mustaine, dude.

He was in that band.

Poor dude.

Yeah.

There's a part

of the rules in there.

No, no, well, it's not the same.

There's a part of some kind of monster where Dave Mustaine, so they were doing group therapy the whole time they're making this album.

And then this like therapist guy that they probably made millions of dollars off of just like being paid.

Oh, imagine being like a fucking stupid

therapist.

Megadeth and Metallica specifically is like everyone just pretends to be into them.

Like everyone wears the shirts now.

I feel like I can't do that.

Oh, that's in LA.

Look, cool.

That's an LA thing.

No, it's here, too.

I've never seen it.

No, no.

I constantly see Megadeth and Mallaca.

In LA, like, it's like you're wearing a lot of people.

There are all those boutiques on Melrose that sell like old, trusty, like Harley-Davidson or Megadeth t-shirts that definitely a fucking crankhead used to be.

That happened a lot.

And they sell for like $300.

That started happening in high school, like in Baltimore.

A lot of like...

But Megadeth sucks.

No, they don't suck.

Dude, so they brought Dave Mazan back to do group therapy with them.

And the dude is so fucked up over the fact that he got kicked out of Metallica.

They said that he's sold 16 million records

since getting kicked out of Metallica, and he feels like an absolute failure.

He's like, dude, I was going to kill myself.

Imagine the gay ass podcast you would start if we kicked you off Cometown.

Well, it would be, I would just be on Chapo 2.

Just a much shittier, gayer.

You would be on the Hellbow podcast.

You would text your girl Sarah again.

You'd be like, sorry,

I read some of the episode descriptions of that show.

And it's like, yeah, on this one, we call Paul Ryan a total dick-munching trash bag.

And then guess what?

We say that Mitch McConnell is a fucking literal human garbage.

And then to top it off, it's like they're just listing like.

Their thing that gives them edge in their description of their podcast is that they use bad words.

They think that that makes them

step it up to slurs, bitch.

It'd be great.

It'd be great.

We actually listen to that podcast, and the girl is like, Yeah, I sucked Sarah's dad's dick.

This is our joke.

Sarah's pussy's so big that we searchlight to find it.

Sarah's pussy's so fucking big that they had to spend their bur mitzvah money on pussy smallening surgery because of her big-ass after

yo, what have they been the best show of all time?

Pussy and smalleting surgery.

Did you say smalling?

Pussy and smalling.

That's what I did on my show,

actually.

Incredible.

Yo, yeah.

Apparently, someone, so after I did Choppa, someone DM'd me that they listened to it.

And then they said the podcast is they read the front page of HuffPo online.

Dude, we literally started this podcast by watching the local news.

And we didn't even comment on it.

We were were just like, oh, look at that guy.

That's a weird name.

Oh, we got a hotap guy in Fresno.

Fresno, that's a weird name for a place.

Fresno.

It's like Fres, but then no.

Yeah, it sort of contradicts itself.

Yeah.

Yeah, Fresh No.

Fresh.

Fresh.

Hey, is this place fresh?

No.

No, it's not.

Oh.

I'm going to take that bit on the fucking road.

Fresno, baby.

Who's ready for some road-ass comedy?

Tweet that, dude.

Boy, are my arms tired from beating my wife

and then beating off her husband her uh misdirection brother you know who i was

misdirection that's my wife's name folks her last name's direction her name's miss because we're divorced now on account of me beating her so much

yeah her family invented directing

a couple of uh

you suck yeah

hey yeah i do suck your wife's fucking pussy you piece of shit why don't you come up here and say that to my fucking face and just beats the shit out of you yeah yeah yeah what's that beat him with the mic stand.

What's that useless?

You think I won't?

You know how much this fucking mic stand bass weighs?

I'll cave your fucking skull in with it.

No, I only have to stand up here for 45 minutes.

I can say whatever the fuck I want.

They still have to pay me.

Have you seen that awesome video of the guy with the guitar that just smashes a guy over the head?

What's that skin?

That's how I handle hecklers.

Somebody says, they say something like, oh, we only got two drinks, but it looks like we were charged for three.

I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about out there?

You fucking come.

What the fuck is that?

This is a mock stalking.

Don't ever ask questions during my show.

This is fucking art.

I'm the Bill Hicks of 2017, you fucking idiot.

Now, anyway, what would Bigfoot's cum taste like?

It's so good he's dead, dude.

Can you imagine how annoying Bill Hicks would be?

I was just saying that the other day.

Yeah.

Because he started getting to some dumb shit towards the end.

It's starting.

Being like Undertaker and stuff.

Oh, yeah, dude.

The last year and a half half of Bill Hicks has been

on stage and

wrestling intros and shit.

Really?

Yeah.

But the fuck, you know, like he's in a silhouette and he's got the trench coat on.

I give a pass.

He was dying, dude.

He was probably going crazy.

I think he got fashion cans.

Can you imagine how annoying he would have been for Trump?

I would say probably pretty annoying.

Yeah, I don't know if he would have been into Trump.

I would imagine he would just.

Well, he would have been against Trump, but it would have been pretty annoying.

thank God we still have Bill Moore.

I don't think he would just

become irrelevant.

He probably would have killed himself.

Probably.

You know?

Who knows?

Well, yeah.

You know, that's my take.

I wonder how much of his, like, you know, his whole thing is kind of contingent on him dying.

You know?

Like Martin Luther King, you're saying.

No.

No.

Like.

Like James Dean.

No, like people.

I'm not the one that fucked your mom.

James Dean's a good.

People can't like dionizing him.

Belushi's a good example.

But Belushi was hilarious.

Right, but he died.

What happened to Dan Adams?

Hicks isn't like.

It's not like he's a shitty comic.

He was a comic.

He plays an age.

He probably just would have been Carlin, dude.

Like, how Carlin just released specials that were just like, okay, he was crazy.

He was a couple good ones.

Carlin wasn't Carlin until he was older than Hicks was when he died.

Oh, that's wild.

Yeah, didn't he have like a race?

Hicks died when he was like 33.

Damn.

Didn't carlin work in like advertising or something no he was also very clean carlin's like

comic yeah yeah carlin he was just like a soon tie clean cut that's right

that's right like jokey comic and then uh he owed a bunch of money to the irs i guess so he had to continue releasing specials to like make the money to pay

but i think there was some kind of switch to that i mean he's talked about it where he says naughty words yeah yeah but i mean something happened i think he smoked weed or something he was like whoa

his hair grew real long immediately yeah And he started.

And he started raw dogging

instead of using condoms.

Yeah.

Imagine like living pre-AIDS.

Pre-AIDS.

Oh.

60s.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everyone was fucking and sucking.

The worst thing that could happen to you is like your dick itches and you take some fucking antibiotics.

Yeah.

Or when he gets pregnant.

When you get drafted, you get sent to Vietnam.

That's kind of the worst thing.

I'm heading straight to fucking Greece if that shit happens, dude.

Draft?

Oh, yeah.

You're too old.

What is a draft?

A draft is like up to 28 or something?

Yeah, you're not going to get drafted.

I'm 28 right now.

Morbidly obese.

You core effed me.

Take one look at me.

Look at this.

Go home.

You have horrible eyesight.

I have a military

mind, dude.

I have a strategic mind, brother.

You show me some guy getting out of here.

You're going to have sandbags where you can die a bag to sit on top of the hill.

We need to flatten this hill.

Can we have some fat guy jump up and down on it for a while?

No, they probably make it a fan.

Maybe Backsaw Ridge is the name of the movie.

He's a fat guy whose fingers are too large to fit through the trigger.

They're like, what is he Mormon or something?

No, they probably make you addicted to candy.

His fingers are too slippery from various sauces to fucking pull the trigger.

They make you do like, wait, your Instagram.

His gun is an MM16.

There he is.

Put it out MM16 that they give him.

That's good.

That is good.

An ice cream cone strike.

Instead of drone strike.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Yep.

A getting dome strike.

That's my shit, dude.

A robot sucks my dick.

That's what I call it.

I'm going to put a pocket pussy on a robot.

Yeah.

And I'm going to do it up and down.

I'm going to call it getting dome striked.

Yeah.

Doing a dome strike.

That's a good one.

Thank you.

What are you going to do with the drone?

How about a homoab?

Instead of a Moab?

The homoab.

Homoab.

Yeah.

Like the gayest bomb ever.

Yeah,

the gayest bomb of all time.

The GP.

O-I-T.

The gayest Mom.

The Gibot.

Sean Spice Revenue come out.

So we dropped the GP.

The gayest.

I think that's crypto.

That's the only time I've like honestly laughed at something on the podcast.

And it might be the stupidest joke we've ever made.

President Trump is authorized to show a force in Syria and he has launched today the gayest bomb of all time to GBOT.

Yo, I'm crying, Phil.

I don't even want to tag that.

I think it's just the phrase, gayest mom of all time.

You don't even need the acronym.

Oh, fuck.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's the funniest shit I've heard in

months.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh,

I'm literally fucking

like weeping.

There's tears.

Yeah, there's tears in all of our eyes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

Wow, that's the best joke I've ever told.

No one's gonna think that's funny.

No, no, no one.

Everyone right now is just mad and confused.

Oh, fuck.

God, it was good to know.

Oh, that one got me good.

Hell yeah.

We had sex with Adam's mom.

Something else.

The gayest bum of all time is also

what happens when Adam does stand up.

Yeah.

There's no reason to try and add to it.

That's one of those things you just have to let be.

I know, but Adam's gay.

When you try to make it smart or pick it apart, it ruins it.

Of course, yeah.

I was trying to figure out what it would look like in Syria.

It doesn't matter.

What got me is the mental image of fucking fish-mouthed Sean Spicer coming or just CNN, like on a ticker on the ticker.

Yeah, no, I'm aware of they went to the Holocaust centers, and

I don't want to distract from the issue at hand.

Trump, today the president has authorized the use of the gayest problem of all time, time,

the GBOT.

Somebody comes up and whispers in his ear, he's like, I'm sorry, I got that wrong.

It's not the name of the bomb, I apologize.

Oh, fuck.

All right, you guys were whatever.

Good night.

Thank you, bye.