Ep. 45 – The Replacements

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well I was

primed to go into this bed bug story oh yeah we can do bed bugs we can talk free I'm kind of a bed bug expert after living in Chinatown.

I say leave bed bugs.

We'll leave it that.

We'll do intro.

This is the first.

So

the fans of the show have been putting up with pre-recorded episodes.

We did, me and Stav and Adam did probably

10 episodes in like a two and a half day span.

Oh, my God.

So, and I did them out of order, but there was one of them that was just like,

I don't know.

Is it just like too dated already?

It's too dated, but then also, like, I mean,

you know, what kind of conversation are you going to have for literally 72 hours?

The last one is just, you know, I'm pretty sure, I mean, I don't remember it, but I can't imagine it's anything other than Stav just saying, like, I just, I want to fuck this bitch, but she won't,

I can't, she won't, her titty, I want to, she should suck my dick for an hour and a half.

And I was like, all right, solid episode.

Let me put it online for $12,000 a month.

I got bangers, man.

Hey, that's what you're doing.

Did you ever think about doing like a clip show?

You remember like sitcoms back in the day?

Yeah.

Where they would just like have a bunch.

I thought about doing that.

It would be great when we don't want to record, but that's so much work to go through.

It's like fresh prints of the past.

I don't listen to the podcast ever.

That's probably for the best, too.

Yeah, just let them be.

Even if it's straight, it's like, I don't want to hear my voice or, you know, think about how this is where I wound up in my life, which is a good place to be.

I guess you can't fucking bitch about it.

Yeah, I'm happy for you.

I'm proud of you, man.

Thanks, man.

I'm excited.

I'm happy to be here.

Thank you.

Yeah, but

yeah, so I guess I'll,

this is Come Town West with different guests.

Yeah.

I got Jamel Johnson.

That's Jamel.

That's me.

And Dana Bell.

Hello.

So this is also, these are also DC Comics.

Funny Moms Class of

2013?

Yeah, 2012, 2013.

Something like that.

We got the Letterman Jacket.

2014.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so this is like the Cometown West crew for this week until Adam and Sauv are coming in next week.

So I guess we're going to.

They couldn't stay away.

Yeah, we're going to do a couple.

Well, because I told them we ran out of episodes, and they were like, shit, so are you going to fly back to New York?

I was like, no, I guess I'm just going to do the podcast with other people.

They were like, we're buying tickets now.

And we bought them that night.

Yeah, because they're worried about getting replaced.

Yeah, you got to hold on.

You guys are both contenders to replace them.

The stocks are volatile, so I'm trying to get in.

It's a bear market.

I'm surprised they didn't fucking do their own podcast while I was gone and try to edge me out.

That's true.

Call it the Comets or something like that.

Yeah, but just steal the name.

Just be why the fuck now?

I don't know how to hire a lawyer and sue anybody.

Just like the fucking Temptations.

You remember when it was two sets of Temptations?

No.

That was like a thing.

Temptations 2?

Yeah, yeah.

Like when they broke up and Eddie Rubber.

First of all, what do you mean, remember?

This had to have happened like 45 years before.

Oh, yeah.

I'm talking about the fucking miniseries, the NBC miniseries.

Remember that shit?

No.

This was like some early 90s.

Was that part of that string where they were like doing biopics about people that were still alive?

Yes.

And it was kind of weird.

Like when they made that Robin Williams movie, and it's like, he hasn't even killed himself yet.

We got another five years.

I didn't know there was a Robin Williams movie.

There was, and it was weird because they got a guy that looked exactly like Robin Williams.

And it was almost like some agent found that guy and was like, oh,

my God.

There's only one thing.

Wrote the biopic himself.

You're going to be young Pope.

That's how that show happened.

But yeah, so

I haven't done a podcast in weeks.

How do you feel?

You seem a little warmed up, you know?

Get ready to go.

I'm in my element, you know.

Fully lathered.

It's been a hectic couple of weeks.

Life in the fast lane comes up.

At least there's new stuff to talk about.

There is, but it's all bad shit.

Opinions.

A lot of opinions, though.

The internet was coming for me pretty hard over the weekend.

For real?

Yeah, which is weird because I've been off.

I got kicked off Twitter like a month ago.

I forgot, dog.

I don't even check for you anymore.

Ever since Nicole

disappeared, I was like,

I don't know what to do.

Yeah.

Well, I don't understand.

Like, there's been so many iterations of people going after me, you know, and they're like, explain this.

And it's just like, I like to jack off

on the bus or whatever.

I mean, it's like, I don't, I have so much disdain for Twitter as a fucking medium.

The fact that anyone could, like, at this point still try to, you know, take me to task for

just.

What was the end result?

How'd they nothing?

What the test is.

Here's the end result is because I have no ability to respond to it, it just goes away afterwards.

Also, like, what would they can't kick?

They can't kick you off Twitter.

You've already been kicked off Twitter.

Right, I've already been kicked off Twitter.

So there's nothing even to do.

That's right.

Yeah, it mostly became because there's nothing to get me fired from.

They were like trying to get people to stop being friends with me,

which is like such a like, don't let him come to your birthday party.

You're not, we're having my birthday party, Discovery Zone, and you're not coming.

And everyone else is coming, and you can't come.

Right.

And if you go to your birthday party, then it's like, that's a bad sign.

That's such a, that's such a fucking.

You remember that shit when children would do that?

Like, you can't come to my birthday party.

It's like, yeah, I'm going to have to fucking buy you a present.

I'm winning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

I remember we used to just go every year with bowling.

You guys ever do bowling with the

kiddie rails?

Yeah.

Ari Shafir has a joke about that.

He calls it the

he goes,

he goes, Yeah, I was bowling, and the Down syndrome kids had their own special device.

And he's like, I'm not making fun of the Down syndrome kids.

There's a way he says Down syndrome in that joke that's so funny to me.

I was jealous of them fools, man.

Yeah,

you could just push the bowl.

Like they had bowling rigged.

I don't understand what the point of that is.

It's to make you better at bowling.

But you're not good at it.

You're good at throwing it

in a direction.

I remember being a kid and thinking I was amazing at bowling, but I would play with the bumpers.

And then I would talk to my friends about bowling or whatever at school.

You have daily bowling conversations with your friends.

And I was like, yeah,

I'm good at bowling.

And then I remember going to friends and they didn't use the bumpers.

And I'm like,

we're seven.

It's like a different sport.

We're not grown-ups.

It's not even a sport.

I shouldn't call it a sport.

NBA-level bowling.

Yeah.

I used to go bowling

pretty often in Austin.

There was a place in Cedar Park that had like $5 all-you-can bowl.

Oh, that's fine.

And then shoe rental was like $4.

So you would pay $9 and you could bowl for like six hours.

Fuck, man.

I bowl all the time now.

Do you?

There's a spot in Koreatown, Chateau 39.

Is that the place that's sketchy shit?

I'm pretty sure they...

Prostitutes?

Oh, no.

I was going to say a driving range.

No, they're definitely definitely running hoes out of the fucking Chateau 39, man.

They have like security outside.

Just imagine getting a bowling prostitute.

That's fucking.

That's terrible.

Did they just clean themselves out over that like hand-blowing

the foot spraying?

I just imagine they smelled like shoes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That sounds great.

Oh, no, it's a good old time.

You should go.

I think they're open to like

it's either it's got to be last call or after last Last call at minimum.

Yeah.

So you go fuck it up by 1:30.

Do you ever get kicked out of a bowling place because the league bowling guys come in?

Yes.

You guys have gone bowling so much more than I've ever gone bowling in my entire life.

Because it's one of those things where, like...

Bowling's tricky because you want to be...

It's a thing you're like, I could be good at bowling, right?

It just seems like.

And it seems like a thing that you could be good at if you put enough time and nobody does it.

That's how you feel about pool.

Right, exactly.

Like cursive, yeah.

Something that you had to do in third grade.

Yeah, cursive, you've missed the boat on that.

If you're not good at cursive by now, it's over.

My signature is fucking trash, too, so

I need to get on it.

Is that cursive?

I guess, yeah.

I think

the signature is different.

That's just squiggly.

You just have to make cool squiggly lines.

Yeah.

Cursive is hard.

I started writing in all capital letters when I was in like seventh grade or something because I thought it was badass.

And I still write that way.

No.

Well, you win it.

That makes a lot of sense.

Does it?

I feel like, yeah.

I don't know why, but I just feel like, yeah, you're an all-caps guy.

The universe does that is like executives of businesses and then also homeless people on their cardboard signs.

Those are the two spheres of society that use all capital letters.

The best Venn diagram.

Yeah, I think for

both people, it's like if one thing had gone differently, they would have swapped lives.

Oh, man, I saw the fucking funniest shit today.

And people are going to say, oh, that didn't happen, or it's not real.

Adam has a lot of stories like that where he's like,

I saw this shit happen.

You're like, there's no way you're that lucky that you get to see all this stuff.

No, you see stuff like that all the time.

I do.

But I'm second to Adam in that hierarchy of people that get to see hilarious shit.

But today, I was in downtown and I was walking behind this homeless lady who is like super fucking homeless.

You know, like

the pigeon bitch from Home Alone 2.

Yeah, like that level.

But that's the character's name.

She She's just got like burnt laps.

Why don't you go get the VHS, wait for the credits to roll,

pigeon bitch, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, as herself.

It'll come up.

All right, I'll check it out.

Yeah.

No, I was walking behind this.

It was like.

It was you, Pigeon Bitch.

Yeah, it was me.

It was like this homeless black lady, and she's got like a blanket over her head and a shopping car just filled with like bags of stuff.

And like her shoes were all like, just severely homeless.

And it was like starting to rain a little bit.

And I'm like maybe 15 feet behind her.

And this car pulls up with like these two girls in it.

And they like slow down.

And the girl in the passenger seat like rolls down the window.

And she's like going through like groceries or whatever.

And she pulls out like a loaf of like Ezekiel bread and like just like, you know, gestures out the window to hand it to her.

Like you think it's going to be this fucking like upworthy moment.

And the homeless woman just looks at her and looks back and looks back again and goes, I don't need no fucking bread, bitch.

You fucking hoe.

and starts yelling at her.

She's on her own, too.

Yeah.

Go with your whole grain.

She just starts trashing the girl in the car.

And she just has to like

withdraw the bread

as the friend rolls up the window and they drive away.

That's amazing.

One time I was at.

That did a lot for me.

That's how every episode of that show, What Would You Do?

should end.

Yes.

You know that show?

With that.

That was like Nickelodeon shit for me.

No, no.

It's like on NBC Primetime or something.

Oh, shit, there's a lot of stuff.

That's not still on, is it?

I don't know.

I mean,

I can't remember a time I actually ever saw it broadcast.

It's like a thing.

It was like Upworthy before there was an Upworthy, you know, or a BuzzFeed before there was BuzzFeed.

Because it was like a show where they're like,

he set up a restaurant and we sent a retarded guy in and tried to, he tried to read the menu.

And nobody

called him a retard.

I thought that was just a part of the dateline.

Yeah, isn't that a fossil shit?

Yeah.

And they were like, let's see what happens.

It's like, now, what if the retard was Muslim?

And it's like, I don't even know what point you're trying to make.

It was always someone being really mean to someone in a public setting and just seeing if someone would intervene.

And it was like, well, you're just like being mean to someone.

I don't know.

It's like a really weird setup where it wasn't like, what would you do in this situation?

Well, it's not a real experiment, but it's like an idiot's understanding of what an experiment is.

It's like, really,

all they're measuring is like what portion of the population is afraid of confrontation.

Yeah.

And that's like the only real metric you could maybe get out of the show.

But now I just feel like everyone just assumes when they see something like that, like in the back of their mind, they're like, this is one of those fucking shows.

Yeah.

Like, this is going to be

how I respond is going to be on TV.

Well, there should be an NBC show called I Don't Eat No Fucking Bread, Bitch.

And it's just, what would you do?

But that's the response.

Whenever anyone tries to be a bitch,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're on the Jamie Kennedy experiment.

That's a camera.

That's a camera.

That's a camera.

You're a bitch.

That's a camera.

The bread is a camera.

I'm the opposite.

I don't assume shit is fake.

I assume everything's real, and I'm going to have to testify in court.

Oh, that's a good idea.

So it's time for me to go.

I'm going to have to get good attitude.

Oh, I totally walk away.

There's like the amount of times I've intervened in something in my life is I could count on one hand.

Yeah, the pie chart is, it's definitely, it ain't even.

Yeah, I was in.

I

actually,

I feel like I intervene a lot.

But

But it's always like a really obvious choice to intervene.

Like, it's been like my neighbor who I thought was like

abusing his girlfriend.

Anyway, called the cops for that.

No, calling the cops is not intervening.

Okay, cool.

Well, I have an intervening story, which is I was in an Uber.

And the cops would show up and shoot both of them.

That's true.

Mutilated and called the cops?

Okay.

We got to check the handbook, but I think we have to shoot you too.

I think we just have to shoot everybody.

This is how it works.

Look, I'm just doing my job.

I'm afraid constantly, and I'm doing my job.

They actually replaced the Academy with a DVD copy of the movie Crash, and that's how we learn how to be police officers now.

It's an Oscar winner, so, you know, it's good.

We talked about it in another episode, but it's like a whole aspect of that movie that they didn't explore is Terrence Howard's micro penis.

Damn.

Yeah.

That's a weird movie.

America needs to see that.

To re-watch, knowing that Terrence Howard has a micro penis.

I don't remember anything about that movie, but I'm sure it would be better if I knew that he had a micro-penis.

It's a terrible movie.

It's not a good movie at all.

You remember, you guys hear the thing about him?

He's like, he made up his own math.

Yes.

He wrote a book.

Yeah, Terrence Howard is like a self-proclaimed mathematician.

Yeah, he got really mad about 1 times 1 equaling 1.

Oh, that dumb algebra trick?

Yeah.

And he, I don't remember.

This was a while ago, right?

Yeah, he wrote a whole book about how it's 11, basically.

1 times 1 is 11.

Yeah, so he's just not operating on like base 10 mathematics.

Yeah, he's doing his own thing.

Yeah,

we know where that came from is he measured his dick and it was one inches.

He was like, you know what?

And he was like, no, it's 11.

I got an 11 in an 11-inch dick.

Fuck everybody.

Man,

I don't have a small dick.

It's 11 inches, man.

Yeah.

A lot of people didn't know about the micro penis.

I got into an argument about it at work.

People just didn't believe me that Terrence Howard had a micropenis.

We had to look it up at work.

Yeah, how'd you do it?

And put it on the screen.

Is there photographic evidence?

For some reason, he just went naked in a movie, in a 50 Cents movie.

Really?

Yeah.

So it's a very easy argument to settle.

Get Richard Dy Tryan.

Is that one?

Yep.

That's crazy.

Terrence Howard's penis.

Yeah.

Damn.

I saw that in the fucking theaters, bro.

Wait, and you don't remember?

Yeah, I should have remembered that.

It was, I mean,

it's a split second.

Okay.

Oh, but somebody was like, oh, I can pause this and see it, and there it is.

Yeah, well, they turned it into a GIF.

Enhance.

Yeah.

Enhance.

Nope.

Keep enhancing.

Keep going.

Yeah.

Do you guys have anything coming up?

Anything you want to plug?

Plugs.

Is it over?

I know, it's not over.

We've been doing this 15 minutes.

We have another 45 minutes to go.

I know.

I just feel like no one's going to be able to do it.

I feel like there wasn't enough of an intro.

Oh.

Yeah, same.

yeah.

I'm still Jamel.

You're Dana.

Yeah, yeah.

What do I got coming up?

I got a show at this weird art space April 7th.

It's called Comedy and the Cut.

Yeah.

Well, you have a podcast, too, right?

Oh, yeah.

I got a basketball podcast.

What's it called?

Airbuds.

Airbuds.

Airbuds on SoundCloud.

Do you have any, are you worried about legal trouble with the Airbuds?

I mean, I figure the plural, I'm trying to get over like vanilla ice.

You know what I'm saying?

One slight difference

means his mind.

Yeah, we are.

We're using kind of the same color scheme, but I don't give a shit.

Yo, fuck you, though.

Yeah.

Golden?

Is that the color scheme?

All golden.

Goldenrod

on

honeysuckle.

You feel me?

Man, Golden Retriever had a hot run in the 90s.

Dog, 15 years of hits.

Yeah,

that was America's dog.

And then it's not, it's somehow been replaced by pit bulls.

That's when I was.

What happened to the culture?

America got fierce, man.

I guess.

We were too soft.

Is that Trump's America?

Yeah, man.

It's Pitbull's.

Welcome out.

Have you ever seen those pictures of, speaking of somebody who doesn't have a micro penis, of Pitbull dancing on stage with different women?

He just gets his dick completely hard in his pants.

Like dress pants?

Yeah, dancing with people.

And you can see him like grinding, and he's just got this massive heart on.

I have a question as a lady, though.

I mean, it's not hard to not get a boner when you're.

Is it hard to not get a boner when you're dancing with people?

No, you have to make an effort.

I think pit bull right has to make an effort if he's on stage at like an iHeartMedia production yeah to get his dick hard for like a fucking you know he thought it would be a good look yeah I feel like he thought it would be impressive to have a hard dick on which I can understand I actually fucked with Pitbull more after I saw those pictures yeah hard dick in front of like a whole crowd like camera

I feel like his whole vibe and all of his songs

make more sense

a hard dick the whole time yeah but you know who would do that is an actual pit bull

Pitbull would have its fucking pink dick out.

He's living his rhymes.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

So I guess this week I saw Get Out.

Look, this is a fast-paced podcast.

We're moving it around.

We got it.

We got it.

If you want to jump in with anything, jump in, jump out.

Change the conversation

up.

Yeah.

You know, the key to successful podcasting, and I've learned this.

Quick moves.

It's my six-month rise to the top right before my dramatic fall this week at the hands of

Stalinists, I believe it was, on Twitter that had a problem with me.

There's people that like Joseph Stalin a lot.

I love being lectured on comedy by people whose

avatar is a statue.

It's like some obscure fucking

almost bought a Russia soccer jersey.

So you guys know I got at soccer niggas on Twitter.

Hell yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know,

I'm a big fan.

Is that your Instagram also?

No, well, I got it.

Yeah, I definitely keep, keep.

I got it on me, but Broccoli House to me.

Why Broccoli House?

Where does that come from?

Is there a big Premier League thing going on right now?

Yeah, it's just like the season's kind of coming around.

It's like the last

month and a half or so.

So, you know, it's just getting tired.

English sports is weird because there's no playoffs.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's just like you accumulate a pastor.

I kind of like that more.

That makes sense.

I mean, it kind of makes every game more interesting, but it's also kind of a a

moment of

because somebody could just win in February,

and then you just have to watch three more months of fucking soccer.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah, that happens sometimes.

But this year's kind of good.

But I was in the spot, and they had a fucking like a bunch of Team Russia jerseys on clearance.

And I almost went there.

I don't think I'm ready yet.

My most, the most coveted track suit, if I could have any track suit.

Russia.

Well, the 1980 Russian Olympic track tracksuit.

Is it like bright red?

Yeah.

Red with the yellow or white?

I think I've only seen a couple of pictures of it online because I went looking specifically for that one.

Damn.

Yeah, that does sound like a

red with a white stripe.

And I think that's like they couldn't have Adidas because they were like communist.

So they couldn't have.

So they had some like Adidas knockoff.

Yeah, yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah.

That's the deal.

But that was how many tracksuits you got?

Oh, I really only, I'm kind of a poser.

I only got two.

Three pants.

I have two full suits, three sets of pants.

See, I'm kind of the other.

I've got three jackets.

Yeah.

Two pants.

Well, at the time I started buying a lot of tracksuits, I didn't really have any money.

So I was just wasting money on tracksuits.

True.

And now that I have enough money, I feel like I've leapfrogged tracksuits, and I buy PlayStations and TVs and shit.

You just got a room full of laser discs?

Yeah.

Well, in my head, I'm like, oh, it's a business expense, and I can't wait until I get audited.

They're like, yeah, no, we're just going to take the PlayStation.

We're going to take it down to the government.

They have controllers, they can turn it into a

camera to spy on Syrian children, whatever they do, with PlayStations.

Yeah, I don't know.

I started playing FIFA because Stob and Adam had FIFA, and I was like, oh, cool, we can play online.

And now they just come to my apartment and play FIFA there.

So it was a mistake to buy FIFA.

Now you've just got grown-ups playing games all in your crib.

Yeah, because I'm going to play.

I started playing that new Resident Evil.

How is that shit?

It's cool.

I'm with it, man.

Six sucked.

The only one I ever liked was the remake of the first one.

What'd they call that?

Zero was like on.

Zero was the one after.

Zero was the sequel to the remake, but the remake was just called Resident Evil.

Yeah, was it also on GameCube?

They tried to make GameCube cool so many times.

Yeah, they did.

God bless you.

Well, GameCube was the last good Nintendo console.

I'm not buying that Switch shit.

I mean, I stopped playing video games for like eight years just because I was wasting so much money on it.

Getting big up in GameStop.

But now I got money to waste.

You know the whole staff's name?

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, never to that extent.

That would be fucked up.

I feel.

If you're on first name basis.

With the entire.

Yeah.

I worked as a seasonal employee at GameStop, though.

Oh, nice.

I tried to get that job.

Didn't work.

Potomac Mills.

They went home.

You get a 25% discount on games.

That's the only reason I did it.

That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

And yeah, there were some fucking autistic people working at that goddamn store.

You know a seasonal job I had?

I used to work at a fucking rest stop on

95.

Yeah, I thought that was like a regular job, though.

I mean, it was, I say it's seasonal because I was only there for one season.

Oh, okay.

I made it a summer.

It wasn't like a Christmas job.

No, no, no.

It's not like we need more Christmas help for the Christmas rush at the fucking bathroom.

Yeah, that doesn't.

That's like a different meaning.

People are going to have Christmas diarrhea.

They're going to have gingerbread diarrhea, and we need extra hands to mop it all up.

Yeah, also the head of the rest stop is like a F.A.O.

Schwartz.

Do you work with this old man?

I have two turtle doves.

Yeah, that guy was a pedophile, right?

Yeah.

You know, blue two?

He was just trying to fuck Kevin.

Of course, man.

Everyone.

He was in that movie trying to fuck Kevin.

Thin, chinless guy.

The robbers, the pigeon bitch, his parents.

The pigeon bitch.

Nah, man.

The pigeon bitch was just, she just fucked with kids.

You You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

She had a like, you know, a miscarriage that made her crazy.

I like that just like an affluent white family can be that reckless with their child and not lose them.

Like not have child protective services be like, well, this is the second time you've exposed your son to violent criminals through negligence.

Left your kid in the Bronx.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I say that's the American dream, dog.

What?

Being able to see you.

Be rich enough to leave your kids and then they just come come back fine?

Yeah.

You did nothing?

I mean, that's how rich kids, all rich kids have like horribly negligent parents.

You just let them buy cocaine when they're like 11 and instead of waiting until they're 19.

Yeah.

The respectable age to buy cocaine.

Read a few books before you start.

Seriously, though.

Don't do it in the house, you know?

Then you're just, that's just bad parenting because you're not learning how to be subtle about things.

You guys ever hang out with any of those kids?

I was in night school with these two black girls girls that had kids, and they were like, their kids were already like four or five, and they were probably like 17, 18, or whatever.

So they were like moms.

You know, they like.

And had the routine down?

Yeah, they knew how to be fucking moms or whatever.

And I remember one of them, we were riding the bus somewhere, and she was saying, like, yeah, my son got this fucking, like, banged his head, and he's got this fucking, like, welt that won't go down or whatever.

And I was like, why don't you take him to the hospital?

And they were both like, no, no, no, no, no.

They were like,

like, I had made some grave error in suggesting that they take their their kid to the hospital.

And I was like, what the fuck, why?

They're like, they're going to say it's neglected, and my kid's going to be taken away from me.

Oh, fuck.

And I was like, holy shit.

Valid.

I have to report these women

to child protective service.

And I marched down there, I filled out the paperwork, but unfortunately, I forgot how to spell their names.

There you go.

There were too many vowels.

Is it Ralisha 12?

Sir, we've actually run out of ink.

Put a couple after after snow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Dollar sign.

I want to spell, I start spelling my name with like the dollar sign bars, but through every single letter.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That'd be cool.

Yeah.

I don't know if people would get it or not.

I think they would probably get it more than you'd like.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I feel like that could blow up

at the fucking Supreme store or some shit.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a big hype beast with that shit.

Oh, the goal is just to get into the Supreme Store.

Now that I'm fucking, I'm a Hollywood guy, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Malibu Mulldog, my new guy.

People can't see this, but I actually have a goatee right now and sunglasses.

It's true.

I have it pointing into your nostril.

I got sunglasses, a black bandana now, instead of my regular yellow one.

R.I.P.

to the competition.

Yeah.

That's why we go all black.

Speaking of all black,

did you guys see Get Out?

I finally

got it.

You caught me at the right time.

I finally saw it.

I had to see it just to find the source material for all the memes.

Oh, okay.

You were in the sunken place.

Yeah, yeah.

I went down to the sunken palace.

Yeah.

And she was, you know, I feel like, you know, being on Twitter kind of ruined the movie.

Honestly, I blame my little brother for kind of giving away.

I was like, okay.

And I mean, also, like.

I don't think there's anything to give away, though.

I mean, you kind of go into it knowing exactly what's going to happen.

And that's what makes it a good movie.

Yeah.

Is that it's like, all right, here's what you're going to get.

And then it fucking delivers.

Straight through.

You know what I mean?

And it's still, the twist was, so I went into it thinking, all right, worst nightmare.

Some white people want to lobotomize me, obviously.

And I was imagining like a bunch of black people getting mutilated, but it was, you know, spoiler alert.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter.

No one who listens to this podcast is going to watch it.

Well, yeah, just to see, just to.

They already stopped listening to this one

because I criticized the white family from Home Alone.

Yeah, true.

They're just going back to listening to styles.

So spoil away.

Well, yeah, just, you know, watching a black dude,

you know, impale

a family from the burbs.

It was fun.

Very fun.

Yeah.

Had a great time.

Well, what's cool about it, too, is that, like, it, it,

I saw some criticisms of people saying it's like, you know, like, sort of like a Kill Whitey exploitation movie in the same vein as Django or whatever, but it's not at all.

And, like, there's maybe that scene where he gets out of the chair and like runs away is maybe, what, three and a half minutes long.

It's all necessary.

It's a name in the movie, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all necessary.

And then it's like, you know, I mean, a pretty easy, you know,

allegory to pick apart.

And it's not heavy-handed.

It's kind of well done.

It's well-paced.

And it's why I enjoyed it was because it's like, usually I fucking hate horror movies.

They're all garbage with the exception of.

Because they try so hard.

No, because they don't.

Like, half of them are made by WWE.

Oh, true shit.

I saw Oculus because someone recommended Oculus a couple years ago.

And it's like fucking WWE Productions.

And I was like, there's no way this is good.

And it's like, what if a mirror was scary?

And that's it.

That's all a fucking movie.

Sting was just watching you at the top of the thing.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be cool.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be a cool horror movie if Sting was just following you around and he's like in the rafters everywhere you go.

Remember, we were going to do that, me and Adam.

Oh, the stings, the original stings of comedy, the stings of comedy.

And then we were going to put a little tiny Bernie Mac.

It was an awesome sting paint.

Yeah, we're all going to have

WCW Sting Paint on our faces.

Nice.

I'm close with him working on it.

I'm going to turn like

edges.

I'm going to hook up some development deals.

We're going to get there.

Yeah, that would be sweet.

Yeah, use your new Hollywood connections.

Hollywood is hell, dog.

Get, yeah.

Well, I went to go see Get Out, and Adam was like,

go see it in Compton.

You have to go see it in a black theater.

And it's like, I don't think I have to go to Compton.

Yeah.

I feel like that's like a very Patrick Johnson's got a lot of theaters.

I don't know how much that's going to fundamentally change the movie.

I feel like that's a very white person in Get Out thing to say.

They would be like, oh, I saw, let me tell you, I saw Get Out in Compton, and it just changed the whole movie.

You know, like, that's what they would tell.

Although, I will say, I saw Django in theaters twice, and I saw it in

a more diverse

theater and then like a predominantly white one.

And I swear to God, I'm not kidding.

You know, the one that was more diverse, there was like people clapping at the revenge scenes or whatever.

People were laughing at the N-word in the white theater.

When somebody was saying the N-word, they were like, ha ha!

They were like, I get this.

Yeah, it might have just been me.

I mean, but that means people.

So I'm included in people.

You are every people.

I might have just been drowning out everyone else's laughter with my own, own

with my cigar and my Hawaiian shirt in the middle of the theater, my feet up,

harassing Nick Nulty's family,

laughing at Jake.

That's a Cape Fear reference for Dana, who hasn't seen any movies.

Did you know that?

I haven't gotten most of the references.

I tuned out during the whole video game.

Juliet Lewis?

Yeah.

You know, I was just saying today that the other sister is kind of a fucked-up movie because Juliet Lewis is like hot.

Yeah, I had like a third

for Juliet Lewis.

Her other sister came out.

I was happy that she was.

Should I stop beating off to this?

I don't understand what this is doing to me.

Yeah, same.

Me too.

Juliet Lewis is an actress who's

American actress.

I know who Juliet, I know who all the actors are.

I've just never seen any of the movies they've ever been in.

How does that happen?

I don't know.

A lot of people, Mags?

Well, I get, I don't know.

I'm just aware of things in movies, but I've never seen any of them.

The Other Sister is a movie where Juliet Lewis plays a retarded woman,

hence the other sister.

Which I love the title of the movie is just like the fucking cruelest euphemism.

Yeah, like straight off top.

Yeah, yeah.

It's instead of like, she's all that, it's, oh, she's fucked up.

Yeah.

And then Freddy Prince Jr.

plays the love interest in the other sister.

Oh, he's retarded too?

No, I was doing a joke on.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't have to pretend to laugh at it.

Yeah, no, because now I'm like, I was in it.

I was swept away.

I appreciated it.

Yeah, I was in.

That's why I told you

when people who listen to the podcast complain about Stav's incessant laughter, and it's like they don't realize that the show is a four and a half minute long podcast.

Interrupted interrupted by Stav's laughter.

Exactly.

I'm here to fill a role.

Yeah.

Oh, you don't have to replace Stav.

I mean, no, just the laughs.

LPM.

No one could ever replace Stav.

I mean, everybody knows that.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't mean as my friend.

Anyone could easily replace him as my friend.

He's not really worth it.

He's invaluable on the show.

He doesn't mean that.

Great broadcasting.

He's got his fingers crossed behind his back.

Right behind Vern Lundquist in the Hall of Fame of broadcasting.

Yeah.

What are you guys talking about?

Vern Lundquist?

Who is Vern Lundquist?

He's the guy who does all the Final Four shit.

We still haven't finished explaining the other sisters.

Oh, yeah, shit.

Yeah, hold on.

Yeah, the rest of this podcast is just explain stuff to me.

I have no problem turning it into that.

Ooh, great.

That's such an easy out and such an easy way to fucking walk through.

I also let me finish this get out anecdote too.

And then we have to talk about bed bugs.

I haven't forgotten.

Okay, yeah, we all got we got you in the queue, Spotify queue.

So in get out, this is another spoiler, but you know, fuck it, who cares?

So, you know, remember the scene where, like, he's finally escaping from the house?

Yeah.

And the girl has the rifle, and then she sicks the like granddad groundskeeper black dude on him.

Yeah.

And he chases him down.

He does the camera thing.

And the guy's like hippocampus, activates or whatever.

And he turns around and shoots the girl.

Everyone in the theater starts clapping.

They're like, yeah, because he shot the white girl.

And then he turns back around and he puts the gun under his chin and he blows his brains out.

And one guy in the theater started clapping.

Oh, my God.

He starts clapping.

And it was so fucking funny.

It was like the perfect bit.

I almost felt like that guy had to have watched the movie the first time and was like, I got to come back.

I got to do that for you.

I thought I was going to nail this.

Yeah.

All in Burbank.

Yo, that is pretty good.

Yeah.

I got yelled at by a guy

when I was watching Ant-Man.

Hitman?

Ant-Man.

You remember that one?

Paul Rudd.

Paul Rudd.

IL7.

I was in Baltimore.

In a weird kind of shape in that movie.

Yeah, I was on Mushrooms

at a theater in Baltimore, and it was, you know, it's Ant-Man.

Yeah.

So it's like at the climax of the movie where he's got to get like extra tiny.

Did you go see it in Baltimore?

Because Adam was like, you got to go see it.

Make sure it's a black theater that you see Ant-Man in.

I went to West Baltimore.

Tripping.

It was a trap house.

It had a projector set up in it.

I rode in on a motorbike.

I went to a hotep meeting to go watch Stuart Little so I could get the real experience.

I rented out a theater with the black Israelites.

I'm just laughing about Adam in a theater in Compton.

With his legs crossed?

No, I know.

No, I'm cool.

Yeah, with his legs crossed, all gay.

He's like limp ankles.

He's got the way a fae wrist, but in his ankle bones.

True.

No, I know exactly what that means.

He's just dangling.

He's holding his foot out for you to hold up like he's a debutante coming down the stairs.

Very precious.

I know exactly what you mean.

Adam in that theater.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, he sits like a

Paul Simon album sounds.

Yeah, yeah.

So field trip.

What field trip?

To Compton.

Make him go to Compton and see.

Yeah, he should be forced to be like a big brother.

When he comes out here, we'll go out there.

We'll get him out there.

Oh, take him out to Compton.

I'm going to pick him up from LAX and then we just won't leave LA.

Is Compton, though?

Is Compton like Harlem is now, where people are like, oh, Compton.

Compton's kind of crazy.

Crimson's more like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Crimson's like Harlem.

Even Inglewood's a little more chill.

But Compton's like, oh, now you're out there.

Yeah.

Please

check your t-shirt.

Yeah, because where's that play?

Which.

Oh, Watts is like also becoming.

Well, I don't know if it's like

more chill.

I mean, I feel like, yeah, like they burned down Watts once, and they're like, all right.

Yeah.

We got it.

Now they have

some fancy.

It's like a fancy fast food place.

I don't know.

All right.

This is.

You haven't been down there.

Yeah.

It's like Roy Choi.

It's like an L.A.

guy.

He's the guy who started the L.A.

taco truck craze.

Not like the food truck craze in America.

Oh, okay.

See, all right.

I know he didn't start the craze in L.A.

Right.

I didn't mean taco trucks.

I feel like East LA

was living in taco trucks.

He did like Korean taco trucks.

Ice cream trucks started that shit.

Ice cream trucks started trucks.

Well, food trucks.

First trucks, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

First trucks.

Which is weird that that's like a business that's still allowed to operate.

It's like, yeah, I go around and I lure neighborhood children to my vehicle with sweets, but it's for money.

So, yeah, there's an ice cream truck who rolls around my building, but like, you won't see them till like after eight.

Yeah.

It's like, yo, there's so many you're trying to get kids to leave their house.

Yeah.

It's not like, oh, you're catching them after school even.

Yeah, it's very intentional.

I assume that those were just like people selling drugs late at night.

And it was like, oh, they would.

Because there was one that that

was like in my neighborhood in dc there was there was a truck there was a truck in austin that would go around had ice cream truck music and i remember because it fooled chris cubis and he was furious and they sell hot corn

it's just like a hot corn truck which is exactly opposite it's like a simpsons joke

like uh boiling hot texas style ginger ale

yeah you remember that oh

yeah that's it i only remember the monorail yeah which the monorail is like the get-out guy.

It's like a monorail thing.

That's what he was doing with clapping, is that monorail bit, you know, where Homer says.

So, whatever.

Anyhow, so Juliette Lewis plays a retarded woman.

Okay.

And

I'm hooked.

Yeah.

Giovanni Rubisi

is the love interest.

Well, cookies are the love interest.

They bond over their love of cookies.

That sounds great.

Yeah.

But you know why that movie was successful and I Am Sam wasn't?

And I don't know the numbers on either one of those movies.

Yeah, wasn't I Am Sam successful?

I Am Sam is fucking.

Did anybody get nominated for something for that?

Yeah.

It would be great if there was a critic that hated it and they wrote, like, this movie is literally retarded.

And then they misinterpreted that and put it in those oak leaves on the cover of the movie.

You know, it's like, this movie is literally retarded.

You know, Glenn Stevenson, SF Weekly.

He came up with four stars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, why I am Sam's a piece of shit is because, like, you know, they have Sean Penn in it, and even if you had the greatest, even if you have fucking Daniel Day-Lewis, you know, or, you know, Brando or whoever you think the fucking best actor in the world is, the best.

Marlon Waynes.

Yeah.

Marlon Waynes.

If you had every single one of the Wayans brothers in that

and you had them method acting their fucking heart out to be a retarded guy, you can't cast his friends as actual people with mental disabilities and not not have it look like a cruel mockery.

Like ridiculous.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, Sean Penn's like, oh, what shoes shall we get?

And then, like, the camera pans, and it's a guy who actually has Down syndrome.

And it's like, this is what the fuck is going on?

Who thought this was a good idea?

It should have been Giovanni Rubisi, who just looks like he has Down syndrome.

Yeah.

Which is what they did with the other sister.

And it's a better movie.

Yeah.

Well, the only thing I remember of that movie is that the scene where he shows up to pick up Juliet Lewis for the date, and the dad is like, I'm going to kick this fucking guy's ass because he thinks it's like a regular guy that's just like,

check this out.

A slow girl.

And then he opens the door and Giovanni Rubisi's in like a dog costume.

And he's like, My name's Daniel.

And they're like, oh, he's retarded too.

And that's supposed to be like a fun comedic moment in the movie.

Is it a comedy?

I mean, you know.

It's romantic first

and like comedy third.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

It's a romantic comedy.

Okay.

Well, I'm probably never going to watch it, but I appreciate the time that you took to tell me about it.

The DVD's already in the mail, dog.

Yeah.

I also remember the scene where you find out Daniel's, Daniel, Giovanni Ribisi's characters.

His

fixation is marching band music.

He's really into like John Philip Sousa and shit.

Mm-hmm.

Do you like a lot of shit now?

A weird piece of fiction is Flowers for Algernon.

Yeah, I have read that book.

Yeah, I don't know that one.

No?

No.

Oh,

yeah.

So it's about a guy that's retarded.

Right.

And

the scientists do an experimental surgery to make him not retarded.

But the way it works is he's not instantly smart.

Well, maybe he is instantly smart, but he has to learn all this shit.

No, so it's not like Stefan or Kelly.

No, No, it's like, well, because it's written in like a diary form, and then he slowly becomes hyper-intelligent.

He becomes a genius.

Yeah, he becomes too smart, and then he like, it's like an Icarus story.

Yeah.

Too close to this point.

Well, no, but it's not like his fault.

It's just like the drug wears off.

And then there's also a love story going on in it.

But then when he becomes too much of a genius, he becomes like an ass

to this girl.

Oh, they do that.

They do that in like sitcoms all the time.

Yeah.

It's not not necessarily like Stefan or Kell, but I've seen that plot

a few times.

Maybe more like in cartoons.

I feel like cartoons do that.

I remember there's a Baywatch episode where there's like a guy that's a loser that's trying to impress this girl, but she's really interested in Hasselhoff.

So he's trying to help out the loser.

So he like plays up his,

you know, fucking machismo bullshit.

He like decides to be an asshole.

He's like, why don't you dump the loser and get with it?

Get rid of the zero and get with a hero.

He's like, why have you known hamburger when you can have steak?

And she's like, oh, this guy's an asshole.

I'm going to fuck the loser instead.

And then Hasselhoff is the magnanimous hero.

Saves the day as usual.

What a fun show to be.

Beautiful.

I used to watch that shit.

Like last year,

I just had like regular ass TV, you know, like a digital antenna.

They still show that shit in reruns.

What?

Season one of Baywatch is like a drama, like a serious kind of drama.

Yeah.

Like they only like, like, it's like, like, they save like one life at the end.

Per episode?

Yeah, yeah.

And it's just, it's like a very serious

lifeguard situation.

There were so many TV shows similar to how tech works now, where like Snapchat is clearly just for sending pictures of your dick to people.

Absolutely.

That's it.

Which I think the CEO has even acknowledged.

They've got some pretty fun filters on there.

Yeah, just like Baywatch is a dramatic TV show.

It's a fucking, they used to be able to make shows and they're like, well, it's so children can beat off.

This is pornography for 13-year-olds.

Absolutely.

While there's no internet,

there's no internet, you know, you're going to get fucking huge ratings.

And then there's some people out there who are watching it, like me on Snapchat, who are like, I'm in this for the writing.

Yeah.

Like, I appreciate it.

The finer points.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're making a Baywatch movie.

I saw the trailer in Get Out, and I was walking.

I had to go piss.

And so, like, I was walking back up the stairs, and the Baywatch trailer comes on, and there's two, like, 45-year-old guys, like, you know, probably older than that, sitting next to each other in the theater, sitting Adam style.

Deduce from that, would you like to do that?

Ankles just dangling.

Yeah, yeah.

They were like, they were holding,

their feet were, like, holding hands with each other.

No, that's not a tough.

That's gross.

But the Baywatch trailer comes on, and one of the guys is like,

this looks so fucking stupid.

And it's like, yeah, it's Baywatch.

It's a Baywatch movie.

There's been so much stuff I've been seeing about the new Power Rangers reboot.

One of the Power Rangers just murdered somebody.

Did you see that story?

What?

Oh, yeah, the original one?

No, no, it was the Red Ranger from like one of these new reboots, you know, or like the newer middle story.

Yeah, where it's like Power Rangers, like Ninja Ape Force, where they turn into

Ninja Apes, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Power Rangers Ninja Turtle Force,

where they become ninja turtles.

Nah, yeah,

the Red Ranger killed his roommate

with a fucking sword.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

And like, he was like in the shower or something.

It was like his roommate was taking a shower.

Well, they were having some dispute over a girl.

It was over a girl.

It wasn't even rant.

Which is so funny because shit like that is like.

Isn't that okay in Sharia law?

You're allowed to bring

Sharia law.

Because I think I'm right here.

You're bringing a good point.

If you

try to fuck someone's wife

under Sharia law, you are allowed to kill them with a sword.

Probably.

If you're a Power Ranger.

Yeah.

If you've got the helmet on.

Yeah.

Well, but see, then who gets to be the Power Rangers, you know?

But it's shit like that that makes me think, like, well, maybe Sharia law isn't so bad.

Because we just do it anyway.

If you're killing people with, first of all, yeah, we're doing it anyway.

Second of all, murdering somebody with a sword,

that's hard to get.

It's hard for me to experience any kind of feeling of empathy for the victim because it's so cool.

You know what I mean?

It does seem like a funnier death.

Yeah.

If I was being murdered by a sword, I would sort of be like, are you serious?

You get full Mortal Kombat gratification.

You can look them in the eye.

You know what I mean?

Well, there was a story story about

some home invasion on, like, think near the Johns Hopkins campus, and the kid killed the burglar with a sword.

And what makes it so funny to me is like, you know, you're about to die at the hands of like a nerd.

You know, like, imagine being like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He's like, oh, me.

Oh, me.

He's running at you like a motherfucker.

It's like unbridled autism, frothing at the fucking mouth.

Some kid chewing on his fucking shirt.

You know, that's why the accountant was so good.

Did you see that movie?

I haven't seen that movie.

Sorry, Dana.

It's another movie about a retired movie.

I haven't seen it either.

It's true, but

you saw it last.

I saw the trailer.

I saw it.

Oh, I don't know.

I see the trailer, though.

That's what I knew.

The working title was The Other Affleck.

Which doesn't really make sense because he's the main one.

He's the main.

I can't even think of the other one.

Casey, Casey Affleck.

Oh, yeah, fuck that nigga, dude.

Yeah, who is, I guess, a rapist of some sort.

Frank Stallone ass.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, Casey's a talented actor.

The problem with Casey is the sex thing.

I don't even know the fucking details of that.

Yeah, is it like...

I don't know.

I'm not aware enough of Casey Affleck for me to give a shit about the fucking story.

I will say it was like when I did learn that, I was like, oh, good.

Now I don't have to see Manchester by the Sea.

Yeah.

I'm actually taking

a moral stand on this, and I'm not watching it.

I haven't seen it yet, and all I want is to know the difference between that and La La Land.

You haven't seen it that one anymore.

I don't know what either this is.

La La Land has singing and dancing.

There you go.

Very bad.

Don't see it.

Did you see Moonlight?

I did.

Is Moonlight good?

That seemed way too heavy for me to remember.

No, it's not.

That's what everyone was saying to me.

And it is, it's like kind of heavy, but it's not like.

I thought it was going to be, I was going to be like crying my eyes out.

And it was just like, I felt a lot of things, but it was just a good movie.

Oh, really?

Beautiful.

It's like,

I heard a description of it, and I was like, that sounds like every Irish movie I've ever heard of.

All Irish fiction is like, oh, and then, you know,

he died in the factory at age eight.

Wait, for Moonlight?

What, yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.

It was just depressing and kind of.

There's, I mean, it is depressing, but it's also, it's like more nuanced than just being depressing.

Well, I do hate house party scenes.

It's just like House Party 2 when they do dance routines.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's like they don't tell you about all the house parties in Moonlight and all the...

There's a lot of dancing and

having a good old time.

So it's like La Land.

Yeah, Moonlight is basically Kala Long.

So I'll just go see La La Land.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good, too.

They're basically the same thing.

If you add a La La Land and a Get Out, you've basically seen Moonlight, so I'm done for the year.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Covered it.

Yeah, yeah.

Mailed it first quarter.

Yeah, definitely.

Perfect.

I don't know what else came out recently.

Shit, I don't know.

I don't know.

We tried to see a movie the other night, and everything looks awful.

I don't want to go see Logan, which I didn't realize was another.

I call him Werewolf by accident pretty much.

Oh, yeah.

Another Wolverine movie, which they already made a Wolverine movie, right?

Yeah.

They did the origin story.

I don't know what the fuck happens.

This is after the origin story.

It's like an apocalyptic thing.

I don't know.

I don't care about superhero movies.

How many of those fucking X-Men movies have they made?

They got to be working.

I remember that was like

more than six.

Oh, way more than six.

Dude, the first one came out.

Oh, wait.

X-Men.

You know what?

Yeah, I did have it on VHS.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it was way back.

They've made so many.

Also, I mix them up with The Avengers a lot.

Because they're the same thing.

It's all the same.

They're all the same people.

It's the same fucking movies.

Yeah, it's weird.

The only reason to see those movies is to check in to see how many steroids Hugh Jackman has done

in the last 15 years.

Dude, it was crazy.

You go back and look at Wolverine in the first X-Men movie and to see what Hugh Jackman has done to his body.

He was like a fucking 30-year-old man when that first movie came out.

And he's like svelt.

And now he looks

awful.

It's weird that he's also been like, he either does the superhero movies and he's superjacked or he just does like Broadway plays.

Which like I can't imagine seeing him on like a Broadway stage.

Don't you have to like lift everyone over your head on Broadway?

I don't know.

I've never seen it.

That's the audition

for every show.

Probably.

You know what I saw on Broadway?

My rich aunt brought me to go see.

I thought you were naming a play.

I thought you were like

my rich aunt.

She brought me to go see.

She brought me to me and my cousins to

the James Franco of Mice and Men.

That's the perfect play for you to see.

Yeah,

which is another retarded.

That's why I was like,

she was probably like, she was probably like, oh, Nick will like this one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't think it was for me, but

yeah, I don't know.

I'm torn on Franco, but he definitely doesn't fucking belong on Broadway.

I probably would be ambivalent towards him if he didn't have all those things that Weiss let him write.

Do you remember those?

Yeah.

There's like James Franco's book reports.

He's like a 30-year-old man that's like, I just read Catcher in the Rock.

I feel like he saw a Dose Echi's commercial once and was like, all right.

Yeah, I'm going to be that guy.

Yeah.

I'm going to be the guy that read a book one time.

Yeah, no,

he should have switched roles with Dowd, and he should have played the

Lenny.

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

That sounds like a hit.

Yeah.

I told my grandmother one time that the original,

that the book was, you know, of Mice and Men was actually written to warn people about the dangers of the mentally handicapped.

And she was like, oh, that's interesting.

Were you like six when this happens?

That's what I imagine.

I was probably like six.

She's like a very precocious.

Very precocious troll.

Precocious troll sounds adorable.

Do you guys got grandmas?

What's up with you guys?

You guys got grandma.

My grandma got sad.

Oh,

grandma's all dead and shit.

I know.

Oh, both of them.

When did they die?

My one grandma just died, but that was, I also found out at the funeral that my entire family had ratted me out to the FBI, so I really didn't give a shit about them.

Yeah, that's more dramatic.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is like the best way to distract with anything.

Have the fans in the middle of it.

It's really sweet of them to do that.

Yeah, right.

They're like, look, this is going to hit Nick hard.

Let's try to have him put on a federal watch list that's going to destroy his life.

Right, that's so sweet.

Yeah.

Yeah, my grandma died in June.

Yeah.

You say, oh, nice.

Yeah,

it's a good month to die.

Yeah, well, it was her.

It was like a motorcycle accident or.

Hell yeah.

No, she had some infection of some sort.

Yeah.

She was like 96 or something.

You get to a certain age, and it's just like anything will kill you.

Yeah.

You're like, what happened?

You're like,

you know, a paper cue.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a little bit old out.

It is crazy.

I mean, we thought she was going to, you know, for like a decade, we were like, you're sort of waiting for the shoe to drop.

So it's like, I'm surprised that she was so resilient and she did such a good job and she was so strong.

And then, you know,

hey, all right, P.

Condolences.

Thank you.

Yeah.

My other grandma is demented now.

Oh, yeah.

I got a couple demented great aunts.

Yeah.

Which, you know, you would think like that would be kind of cool, you know, like she'd be like the Joker.

Yeah,

oh, yeah, yeah.

She'd just be twisted and wearing like cool makeup,

like going around, just burning money to piss everybody off, which I guess she kind of is doing

by continuing to stay alive.

My aunt Minnie just like yells at attendance.

She just thinks she's at her house.

I will say when my grandma died,

when we went to the

assisted living facility and all the nurses were like being really nice about it, but they were like, oh, you know, she had a spark.

She was always giving a little attitude.

And I was like, my grandma was a bitch to you.

And I know that that's what you're saying.

and I'm sorry.

Yeah, I liked her, and I don't have to.

I remember going to see my grandmother in her nursing home, and it was fucking horrifying.

It was like terrifying.

I remember one time I was walking through the hallway, and they have this like one section where they had some Julie Andrews movie on, and they've like wheeled all the old people in front of the Julie Andrews movie.

And there's some woman in a wheelchair, just like,

just screaming at the top of her lungs, like looking around, and no one's reacting to it.

Yeah.

Because I guess that, you know, she's just trapped in some kind of

chill.

Yeah.

No, that's okay.

And they make you eat like fucking jello and shit.

Like it's worse than prison.

Jello with it.

They don't paint prison pink.

I feel like it would fuck with you more if prison.

You know who does that?

Arpeo.

The worst person in the United States.

He paints the prison.

He makes them wear pink to dehumanize them.

What?

And it's like the same shade of pink that my grandma's nursing home was painted.

Oh, yeah.

He's awful.

Clinical.

Is he still he's

what's going on with him?

He's facing federal charges.

That's what I thought.

Yeah.

But I wasn't.

No, I can't.

That's too good.

That would be.

Anyway.

Yeah.

But, you know, he's a million years old, so he's going to die comfortably.

Yeah, he's also probably not going to get, nothing's going to happen to him.

Yeah, he should get raped in prison, right?

Well, that would be great.

Yeah.

We should let somebody rape Joe Arpeo.

in holding yeah

in the back of the squad car Yeah, yeah, that's where it should have come

yeah by the guy you know the guy the pro a process server That's who she is some guy fucking like marginally related to the criminal justice system

a fucking like the guy the valet outside the clerk's office is who should be the guy that fucking gets him yeah is like he leaves the DMs

for how he got punked

that's who should do it.

So I guess if you guys you have anything else you want to plug, we could wrap it up on Joe Arpeo Should Be Raped.

That is a good little stamp.

Totally completely.

Hopefully I don't suck you guys into

the outrage directed at me.

Probably you guys would be fine.

Oh, I know.

I need some buzz.

Let me tell you.

It feels shitty, but

it is like there really is truth to the whole like, there's no such thing as bad president.

It does nothing but fucking help you.

Yes, well, unless you're Joe Arpeo, yeah, right.

Bad publicity for him.

Well, but he did, you know, he did a bad thing.

You know, you get raped by a mailman.

Fingers crossed.

Yeah.

A mailman in a pith helmet.

That would be.

Oh, shit.

I don't got shit to plug.

Plug your podcast.

Jamiljohnson.com, Airbuds, Broccoli House on Instagram.

I got weed if y'all need it.

Yeah, he sells weed.

Adam also sells weed.

Blap, blap.

Yeah.

I don't know if I should have mentioned that.

I don't know if you know that.

What's Adam?

There's no way.

Yeah, exactly.

My good friend, Adam Levine.

Yeah, Adam Levine.

Yeah.

Cool.

Adam Levine's house party.

What he calls his weed delivery service.

24 hours.

Well, hopefully

this is kind of a sedate ending, which usually I like to have some kind of banger.

It's not on you guys.

It's on you.

Well, look, this is sleepy.

It's our first pod.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess we're going to do it.

Our first episode of the West Coast.

It feels different like talking into a microphone.

Oh, really?

Oh, so you got like broadcast anxiety.

I guess.

I come alive.

Well, bro,

I just feel like

Come Town's pressure.

Oh, is it?

To be a citizen of Cometown, you know what I mean?

It's not taken lightly.

I guess.

You know what's fucked up?

Is like a lot of people worry, like, oh, did I say something that's like problematic or, you know, whatever.

My biggest anxiety, I like fucked up and got JCVD's first movie credit wrong.

I'm like inundated with people correcting me, which is like the whole fucking house of cards comes tumbling down.

Because I don't know shit about fuck.

I have no expertise or knowledge in any field but that.

Yeah, this is your bread and butter.

It's such a basic detail.

And the guy corrected me.

Because I was like, oh, yeah,

he's the bad guy in No Retreat, No Surrender 3, which he's not.

He's the bad guy in No Retreat, No Surrender originally.

Yeah, I was going to say 2.

well yeah well the guy the some guy hit me up and he was like it's actually the first movie and i was like definitely oh yeah i knew that and i was like technically actually he his first first role was in break-in two as an extra dancing in the background he was like nope it was the first break-in

which is true so i fucked it up twice even triumph so if any of you know this guy i'm gonna i'm gonna put i'm gonna post his personal information on the internet put him out there this guy who called me out and then i want you to harass him i want you to get him fired and possibly kill him and his family if you don't mind.

Fantastic.

So we'll leave that there.

I do.

Yeah.

Is that what is that?

German?

Yeah, I think that's French, yeah.

It dude.

Lil Francois.

They say that it's sound amusing.

I do.

But that's that's imagine how fucking annoying it would have been to be at that house party.

And you're being like, I'm getting out of here.

And they're like, wait, my children have to do the gay ass song.

They're like, man, come on.

I got to drive home drunk through Nazi Germany.

You know how fucking hard that that is?

And I have to listen to this fucking song by your shithead kids.

Kids with ascots on?

Yeah.

Fuck out of here.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, you guys were fun.

Thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Thanks for watching.

Come Town West.

We're going to do this more because I don't think there's going to be enough time to do it with

enough episodes to frontline.

So we'll have another one.

Yeah, follow these guys on Twitter and Instagram and shit.

They are good friends of mine.

So,

you know, please do, please do.

It's all real, baby.

Support Cometown West.

You guys are great.

Thanks.

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