Ep. 44 – I Dunno Some Shit Title I Guess

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All right,

we're doing this.

This is,

we just stopped recording the last episode.

So, to you guys, it's been, you know, maybe four or five days, but to us, it's been 30 seconds.

So, we're like time cop.

Yep.

You know, you ever see that movie?

JCVD.

JCVD.

You ever see that one, JP?

No.

We got JCVD.

I'm lacking on

my Van Dam catalog.

Soon enough.

You know what's great about Van Dam's movies is if you get them all as like div X rips, like 720p div X rips,

they fit, and I don't know a lot about video codecs, but I know that like, you know, when you go to download shit, it's usually like a

700 megabyte file if you get that, whatever that compression is.

But Van Dam is so strong

that it's actually less.

Well, he's done exactly the amount of movies that in that compression, they all fit perfectly on a fucking Blu-ray, I think.

One Blu-ray.

One Blu-ray.

Or one of the one HD DVD or something.

I did the math a couple years ago.

But that you could have every single

Van Damthology on.

Is he in any movies where he's not the star?

Expendable.

Yes.

Expendable.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's plenty of movies where he's not the star.

In fact, his first role is just some sort of background bad guy in No Retreat, No Surrender 3, Bloodhound Brothers, or Blood Brothers.

Bloodhound Brothers was a pun I made about that movie seven years ago.

No Retreat, No Surrender 3, Bloodhound Brothers is the complete title of that movie?

No, the complete title of the movie is No Retreat, No Surrender 3, Blood Brothers.

Okay.

But I said Bloodhound Brothers one time as a pun.

Bloodhound Gang.

Yeah.

That's where it comes from.

Yeah.

No, but Time Cop is one of the greatest.

Time Cop is a legit good movie.

I also had the game for Super NES.

Yeah, what I I love about Time Cop is it was made in, I think, 1993 or 1994.

And so,

is this distracting?

Should I turn this off?

We should A, introduce JP.

We should.

Stop's also here, but

we got just Pete McDade in the past.

We need to go make a mess out of the kitchen after I just cleaned it up.

Your messy ass kitchen.

The kitchen was fucking halfway clean.

You need the.

What did I mean?

I fucking get a cup of water.

You can't use the same cup you used a fucking hour ago.

I don't have a cup, bitch.

You had one.

You came in.

I saw you fucking rifling through the cabinets.

Where's the cup?

Your stubby fucking fingers.

Where's the cup?

Tearing all the knobs out of the cabinets.

I didn't mind it.

There was no cup.

Everything was fucking dirty.

Because your fucking ass is dirty.

You're disrespecting your Vitamix.

You got fucking shit cake.

Bro, all we need to do is just see if this is chocolate on clean, dude.

Because the sink was filled to shit.

Because you come over here and use nine fucking cups.

You're like, why am I pissing all the time?

Blame it on me bitch your filthy ass fucking apartment anyhow so uh

he he was time cop here's why time cop's good

um turn it off though probably yeah we got

somebody mentioned i think i mentioned the sound of music on the last one so i put it on in the background my dad i thought you know to be honest with you i thought it would look better on this tv and it really doesn't it looked good those opening like uh alpine shots looked good yeah i'll watch this by myself and then i'll have plenty to complain about later no we'll watch it.

We'll watch it together, the boys.

Yeah, we're going to watch that.

JP, the plan was we're going to go to a drive-in movie theater and hold hands

in our 57 Chevy Bel Air and hold hands, and we're going to watch Meet Me in St.

Louis

and kiss in the front seat.

What's Meet Me in St.

Louis?

It's about

there's a cop, right?

Is it about Nelly?

There's a boy.

He's a singerella.

You have to know where this one's going, you fucking anything.

There's a cop.

He's a good man.

He's minding his own business.

Just walking a beat.

No, it's another Judy Garland.

He's working the beat.

I picture you guys all in the car just like taking off your varsity jackets and giving them to each other.

No,

Stop's in full poodle skirt, pink lady.

No, it was like I'm more of a jock.

The scene is a cop taps on the window and we roll it down, and then all simultaneously, while wearing each other's Letterman jackets backwards, like Hank Scorpio, we look at the cop and go, Nothing.

And that's what happens.

In college, we used to smoke weed in the bathrooms.

And

we'd always

did you have a spoof?

Holy shit, dude.

That's so cool.

Is that a spoof?

Wait, is that a blow tube?

You call it a spoof?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have some weird New England slang.

Towel roll.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dry sheets, paper.

A sploof in New England is when you rig up a fucking pressure cooker.

That's what they call a sploof.

It's actually one of the things that you're talking about.

They dunk tape all over his pressure cooker and fill it with gasoline.

We have old slurs from the the 18th century that we use.

Spoon is one of them, so I got a little thrown off.

Did you have relatives at Salem Witch Trials?

Not that we talk about.

Oh, okay.

Cool.

A lot of shame.

Yeah, for the listener, JP's old New English.

Are you really?

No, no, no.

My whole family's from Brooklyn.

Yeah.

So I'm actually cool.

I was actually here before.

Oh, you're not.

I knew you guys.

So your family is like Arcade Fire type people.

Yeah, yeah, like First Strokes album, Green Point.

I like Strokes.

I did like The Strokes in high school, dude.

Dude, I still like Strokes.

I touched titties while listening to The Strokes, and I'll never forget it.

I love The Strokes.

Anyhow, back to Time Cop.

Who makes Time Copy?

Yeah, God forbid we talk about our guest.

I just want to make my fucking point about Time Cop.

Yeah, the reason you have a guest on a show is in case the conversation runs dry and then you throw it to them.

Right.

Yeah, we're like, Go to the well, go to the Time Cop well.

Tell us about some unspeakable things you've done for our podcast for zero dollars.

Where is Ian?

Let's talk about him.

Have you fucked any trannies?

I have not.

Or trans?

Get you.

Just see.

You already said it, dude.

Oh, I mean, trans.

I meant to say, have you ever fucked those disgusting people?

I don't think they're disgusting.

I'm on record as being pro.

Oh, I didn't mean to say trannies, which I definitely said and meant.

Anyway, Time Cop.

Oh, now you want to talk about Time Cops.

Yes, I do.

All right.

Yeah, what makes Time Cop cool?

I think it's from like 1994.

And so the premise is there's a guy in 94, and then he uses, they make a time machine that goes to 2004, which is so funny that they would have a time machine and they'd only go.

You can wait 10 years.

Yeah, 10 years is fine.

You don't need a time machine for 10 years spans.

You go back to

help Hitler.

They got Motorola Razor somehow.

Yeah, right.

Well, so in 1994, you know, it's the 90s.

They got rid of the 80s mullet.

Nobody has a mullet anymore.

And then when they go forward to 2004, the mullet's back.

Yeah, he predicted that the mullet would come back.

Yeah.

And then it's just that

cyclical thing.

Some movies do like an okay job predicting the future.

You know, like Back to the Future is like that, where it's like, obviously, you know, there's not

floating cars, but like the hoverboards are kind of like segues.

That like sort of makes sense.

But like all of Europe saw Time Cop and they're like, well, I guess we need to grow out some

time cop.

The movie is historically accurate.

But yeah, no, Time Cop fucks it up completely.

The one that's the best is Minority Report.

Yeah.

Minority Report, you watch it and it looks like it came out of minority.

Computers are going to be like Minority Report, right?

They already do like the fucking.

That's what a iPad is.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's like more like conducting, like your conductor at a single distro.

That's probably how you use an iPad.

Yeah.

You're probably at home.

Your favorite gay ass wrist motions.

Well, pretty soon everyone's going to have to do gay wrists.

That's true.

To be good at computers.

That's absolutely right.

See?

What movie was it?

Oh, yeah.

Total Recall wasn't bad about the future, guys.

I got a lot of stuff right, you know?

Total Recall is a great movie.

I love that shit, dude.

Yeah.

I should have put it on Total Recall.

We'll watch that instead of Sound of Music.

I just watched it.

Maybe something else.

Based on...

Let's watch Predator.

Total Precon.

Predator sucks, dude.

What?

Predator is a fucking shitty movie.

What?

Yeah.

It also looks really bad.

I've never seen it.

I want to see it.

I was really into it when I was eight.

Really?

I first saw it, so that's probably how you know it's a bad movie.

Yeah.

That's a telltale sign of a bad movie is if a child likes it.

There's part where they're just shooting trees with a 50-cal machine gun.

Honestly, that's pretty cool.

That's tight.

Yeah,

when he's carrying around a mini-gun.

He's supposed to be on a tank or something.

Yeah, I relate to that character, whoever that is, because he's strong like I am.

Yeah.

I'm very strong.

Anyway.

Did John Claude Van Damme, like, I remember when I was a kid, there was something on the news about him fucking his wife in the bathroom of like McDonald's.

What's wrong with that?

Yeah.

Well, the problem is that he spanned the tops of three stalls to do the splits.

He's doing the splits on top of the stalls.

He's fucking

dropping his dick into the middle one in front of a bunch of families.

He had one leg up on the sink and the other one on that koala changing station,

the baby changing station, and he was blocking the entrance and his wife was sucking his dick.

There's a guy teaching his son how to use the toilet and his dick just dropped down

like a spider.

Bad move.

Bad move to use the bathroom while I'm trying to do the splits.

He's got a sexy daughter.

JCVD?

Yeah.

Alexa Claude Van Dam.

That's apparently like a comedy show where he's kind of self-aware, plays himself, kind of.

Oh, I'm tired of those.

Didn't Joey from the...

He's like in a Louie.

Yeah, yeah.

He's in the John Claude Van Damm Louie.

Have we talked about how bad the Rob Schneider

is very?

Yeah,

you started talking about how shitty it was on Bobby Kelly's podcast, and then Bobby was like,

Yeah, I'm friends with him, and then you're like, oh, I mean, uh, no, I did not.

No,

I mean, it's it's good.

It's a good show.

I'm sorry, Bobby.

First of all, I'm sitting right there.

I completely stood my ground.

Here, untanglements.

There's some weird stuff.

Rob Schneider is like an anti-vaxxer tea party guy.

His daughter sings a song, sings that one of the things.

Oh, yeah, she has that big hit.

But did you do that thing that was like, listen, I'm sure he's a great guy.

Of course, I do.

Yeah, I did that.

He did that.

So you immediately fucking started equivocating his what you thought was safe credit.

His credit was bad.

You're fucking mad you got dirty ass dishes.

Don't take it out on me, bitch.

Well, you're the one that made the dishes dirty.

I have never dirtied a dish in your gay ass house once in my life.

God damn it.

No, sorry.

There's like some horrific noise that needs to, it's ruining the show.

Oh, should we pause it real quick?

No, no.

Let Adam untangle these.

Was it?

Do you think it did it the last show?

No, it's fine now.

Just don't fucking touch it.

Okay, he's good.

Exactly.

Stay just saying.

Adam's holding the wire bar.

Let me take a picture of this.

All right.

Anyway, how's it sound now?

Don't take a picture.

The picture's going to fuck it.

It's going to make it worse.

Oh, also,

electrical interference from the fucking camera.

Shout out to our shit about anything.

Our friend Michael Footie got married yesterday.

Yeah, Michael Footie.

Yeah.

Oh, congrats, Futie.

They finally legalized autistic marriage, and Michael Footie got married to his computer.

Congratulations to Mr.

and Mrs.

Minecraft Foodie.

Who are now engaged in?

I don't know.

I like Michael.

I don't know what BMA knows.

Yeah, he's

just like

as socially awkward or like less socially awkward than I am.

He's just smarter than me.

Yeah, exactly.

That's why I'm making fun of him.

It's because he's a smarter person than I am.

I think anyone smarter smarter than me is autistic.

Yeah, right.

Oh, yeah.

That's how it works.

Stephen Hawking is autistic.

Absolutely.

He got a bed.

He's paralyzed from it.

Yeah.

He went all the way down into his bones.

It seeped from his brains into his bones.

He's such a big nerd that he's paralyzed.

Yeah.

It's a kind of a liquid.

Autism is like a liquid.

If you use too much in your bloodstream, it's like Mojo in Austin Powers.

Mojo means on the spectrum.

Let me show you my train collection.

It's not going to fucking work.

Was the mojo in all of them?

No, it was only Austin.

I think it was only Austin who had the mojo.

Well, no, I mean, in every one of the Austin running movies, oh, no, I think it was only in the one.

Oh, really?

Spy who shagged me?

Yeah.

The number two,

gold.

Number gold member, the premise of that one was that.

No, yeah, number two is the spy that shagged me, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the premise of that one was he's.

He's the blonde lady with a big old titties.

And number three, it was he has interracial Beyonce.

Yeah.

He benefited.

He's been in love.

You know, I was mad that they made Beyonce part of the Hillary Clinton campaign, but they didn't make Austin Powers also part of it.

Gold member was definitely part of Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is essentially Goldman.

Yeah, well, he's Dr.

Evil.

Dude, how pissed do you think Jay-Z is that his wife fucked Austin Powers?

It's got to be really annoying.

Well, you know, she's so method that she had to fuck every cast member.

It was full penetrative.

Yeah.

You know, the me was actually, he made her life help by putting his hands up her skirt.

And he thought he could get away with anything because he was so small.

Do you guys see the Vern Troyer sex tape?

No.

His little ass dick getting sucked.

It's pretty funny.

There is a Vern Troyer sex tape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good for him.

Yeah.

Did you guys ever watch that fucking reality show?

The Surreal Life.

The Surreal Life.

Surreal Life.

I actually enjoyed that show, dude.

It was a good show.

Yeah.

That was Flavor Flave and his giant wife.

I think they met there.

They met on that.

You're right.

Her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brigitte.

She She was Sylvester Stallone's wife.

Yeah, Brigitte Nielsen.

I thought it's Brigitte.

Leslie Nielsen.

Prashute.

Leslie Nielsen.

Yeah, he fucked Leslie Nielsen.

Eric Estrada was in it.

Yeah.

Mini Me was in it.

Yeah.

Wasn't there a hot woman also?

Yeah, it's that big titch something.

Yeah.

Bianca.

She's her big-ass

shit.

Ron Jeremy was on it.

That's right.

Oh, there was a fucking

Charo.

Charo was on it.

Charja Gabrielle.

There was a black, there was a really

black playmate and another who almost fucked, who almost fucked Ron

Van Winkle.

Robin Gibbons.

Rob Van Winkle was on it, too.

That's right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's hilarious.

Let's not say what everyone knows his actual name is.

Vaneera Ice.

Vanira Ice.

Why wouldn't you call him Vanilla Rice?

If you're in Asia.

Good one.

Vanira Rice.

Thanks.

Nice.

Vanilla Rice.

Ron Jeremy was on a show that I did.

It was like a live.

It's First Comes Love.

It's like live porn scripts for all comedians.

So we're all just fucking around.

Like we have the scripts in our hands.

We're acting out these dumb porn scenes that were like submitted by real porn writers.

And Ron Jeremy was like the special guest completely off book.

Like he took it so seriously.

He was like embracing his lines and everything on the stage.

And then he just acted the shit out of this scene.

Really?

At the very end.

Did he nail it?

Yeah, he didn't pull the hog out, though.

He didn't?

No.

That's going to cost extra.

He wouldn't do it because of that reason?

I'm sure that would cost it.

How much does it cost to get Ron Jeremy to say, Don Omai?

I know it's not in his contract.

How much does it cost to refer to him as Screech the entire show?

Damn, dude.

Did you guys, do you ever hang out with Ron?

No, he was very elusive.

He was surrounded by his entourage, his rentourage.

He had the rentourage?

Who's in the rentourage?

You ever hear Norton tell that story about the double teaming the girl with him?

Oh, yeah, that's a good story.

Yeah, that's a good story.

Let's just tell it third hand.

Well, I mean, he told it on the Graham Norton show.

I'm talking about Graham Norton.

Graham Norton?

Yeah, the guy with AIDS.

Does he have AIDS?

I just thought he was British.

Is it Norton antivirus?

Yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

There we go.

Now you're getting out of jokes.

That's why we got JP there,

the Roastmaster himself.

Is there going to be a coup?

If you guys killed Jeff Ross, who gets to be the new Roastmaster?

It's like that show Lone Survivor.

There's a roaster located underneath the comedy store in case everyone else dies.

Yeah,

he takes over the roast comedy.

Secretary of Education.

Yeah, and if you bros don't know about Japes, my man out here writing good-ass roast jokes.

Occasionally, bitch.

So check him out.

He's also funny as hell.

And he was on the bus.

You were on this season?

Yeah, I was on the New York episode, but I wasn't on the tournament.

Who did you fight?

Yamanika Saunders.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I want to be on?

I want to to be on that show, The Nick.

Me, too.

They have comedians on there.

Papa was on it.

It's on my, it's my, I have the same name as the show.

You can't copyright a title, so that could be like the title of your reality show that just follows you around.

You can't copyright a title?

No.

So I could have a show called The Sopranos?

Yo, can we change the name of this podcast to The Sopranos?

I feel like there's so many.

There's got to be a million shitty Long Island comedians that have tried to.

have a podcast called The Sopranos, and they don't understand why it's so funny.

Yeah, absolutely.

I told you about Mike Diesel fucking shooting that sketch that one time when I come into Wise Acres and it's fucking Mike Diesel and Basil White and like Leonard, I don't know, some other fat moron.

And they're like shooting a sketch where they've had all this spaghetti made.

Hell yeah.

And they're sitting and they're like fucking pretending to be mobsters.

Like he's like, Pastor Rigatoni or whatever.

And I couldn't, there was no discernible jokes in the sketch or whatever.

And afterwards, Diesel's just walking around with pasta sauce all over his fucking stupid face.

And he's like, yeah, we're actually, we're going to go viral with this.

You know, it's like 2004, 2005.

He has no idea what that term means.

Yeah, we're actually planning on this going viral.

So that's where most of the popularity is going to come from.

It's just going viral.

We're going to put it on YouTube and it's just going to get more hits for no reason.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, so he, wait, was Basil White the guy that

the autistic guy?

That's a detective-ass name.

Yeah, Basil was Basil's this, he was like another big fat Wise Acres guy that would do these awful

one-liners.

Yeah, that's right.

And was just like so smug.

And not particularly condescending, but very much like a smug guy who taught comedy and just wasn't

particularly good at it.

We got to film that sketch where we eat a bunch of pasta.

Yeah.

I mean, if we did it, it would be ironic.

Yeah.

That's the key.

I'm not even kidding.

We literally.

You recognize that you have no ability to write any kind of scripted comedy.

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

I just want to thank Come Nation for all the really positive, supportive comments we got on the pilot episode of the Come Town web series, which dropped yesterday.

We honestly, it took us six months to write that.

And I was actually there the whole time, but it was part of the

humor

that I wasn't on camera.

I mean,

there's probably going to be four or five more episodes by the time this airs.

Yeah.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

Is it serialized?

Does it pick up where episode one left off?

Yeah, there's a thrill.

We have like, yeah, we don't want to spoil anything, but one of the characters finds out they have lung cancer, so they start having to sell meth.

They quit their job as a chemistry teacher to sell methane.

It might be me.

Because you can't copyright the script for a show.

No.

It's true.

So when his friend George Costanza shows up to help him sell methods.

Let's just match up every single time.

And you want to be my meth salesman.

So basically, my character, his name is Walter Tony Zoprano White.

He comes in and he goes, damn, Gina.

Yeah, my character, Omar Little, will come in and assassinate you at any moment.

He shoots him and then he goes, did I do that?

Guys,

we're really on something here.

Ah, fuck.

You know what we should have?

We should have a guy on our podcast that says Baba Booey.

You know what the origins of Baba Booy, the story that?

No, no.

It was a guy saying something fucked up one time, and they kept the joke going for 30 years.

I thought Baba Booi was a guy.

Baba Booy is a guy.

He became his name.

Yeah, he was a producer on the show.

He said something?

Yeah,

I forget what the guy's actual name was, but he fucking like, I mean, he was the producer of the show.

Right?

What's his fucking real name?

Steve Something.

Yeah.

He's got like black hair and big teeth.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was a producer on the show, and he was fucking bragging bragging about buying these like uh

animation cells, you know, at like auction or something like Disney animals.

From Disney, and he was spending all this money on them, and he's going through all of them.

He's like, Oh, look, this one's Baba Bowie, and it's like some donkey.

His name's not Baba Bowie at all.

And they're like, You just spent all his money, and you know what the fuck?

Yeah, so they started calling him Baba Bowie, and that's where that joke comes from.

That's so awesome.

And then Howard Stern was like, I'm going to pay you $100 million

every year for the rest of your life just to be Baba Bowie on this show.

Now, that's a dream gig.

Yeah, dude.

Stern is like like

that show is so good.

Oh, he's the best.

We've kind of modeled our show.

Yeah, we're like

the heirs to Stern.

Yeah, we're like

the new.

Yeah, we need to get a fucking

porn stars coming here and just have them like squirt all over the floor of the living room.

They're not even on mic?

Yeah.

Yeah, make them.

Since Amber's coming home and there's just a woman in the corner.

And it's like, now why don't you play with your breasts, Sarah, for a second?

Play with your pussy and your breasts.

That's great.

Well, why don't you shove the trombone in your pussy?

Just radio.

Sorry, we're broadcasting.

Warp, warp.

You hear the sound of it.

All right, well, we've got a guy who's made himself mentally retarded from crack cocaine, and he's going to eat a black woman's turd out of the stripper's pussy.

What a legend.

For comedy.

Billiard.

And then later, we got a tiny dick contest.

We have 15 men from Long Island that are going to show how small their dicks are.

That one isn't even a joke at all.

No, that's all just that happened.

They're like, yeah,

I got micro-penis.

You know, it's okay, here it is.

And then they just show their fucking all.

Oh, Howard, big fan.

Baba boo, you got a micro dick.

It's hard enough to find 15 guys with micro penis, and then to find 15 of those guys who are like, I'd do anything for Howard.

Like, they did that.

Didn't he run for governor of Jersey or something?

Yeah, no, he ran for mayor of New York, and then he dropped out because he thought he was was going to win.

That's awesome.

And he was like, he respected it too much to go through it.

He literally would have been.

He should have followed through on that.

It would have been great.

The whole city would have been like, you know.

There were titties everywhere, double-blind.

Titties everywhere, dude.

Yeah, cool shit.

Every woman would have gotten breast implants paid for by the government.

Universal health care, but only it only covers breast implants.

Did you guys, when you were in

the little kids, ever jack off to Howard Stern on E?

Yeah, we've talked about it.

We've talked about it.

Okay, yeah.

JP, JP, how about you though?

Yeah, that's early bait material.

I remember that.

Because that's like some of the only stuff that was on if you didn't have HBO.

Oh, yeah.

And the Girl's Gone Wild commercial.

The commercial on Comedy Central.

Yeah.

Show me where babies feed.

It was awesome.

Is that what they say in the commercials?

I think Stanhope says.

Yeah, Show Me Where Babies Feed.

Bung Bung Bung.

And she pulls her tits out.

It was awesome, dude.

That was a revolution in tit blur.

Like, they made it real subtle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You saw most of the tit.

It wasn't like cops where you saw just it was a jumbled computer mess.

I wonder if you could get away with some sort of FCC thing where if you face swap the titties and the pussy.

So it was just two pussies

in front of the nipples, but then

the pussy was a nipple.

I would love to be at that fucking FCC hearing, like that Senate testifying scene in the aviator.

What I don't understand is why one man can't revolutionize the way America beats off.

Now, if you excuse me, I have a business to run because I am an American.

A bunch of light bulbs blowing up.

Is that how cameras used to work?

Yeah.

Like, light bulbs would just explode.

Explode, yeah.

Yeah.

That's every picture of one light bulb explodes.

Yeah, you have one section.

You would need such a fucking bright light that they would blow out the filament.

Wow.

Yeah.

I wouldn't visually, I wouldn't like to look at a tit with a pussy instead of a nipple, but I would love to fuck one.

You would fuck a woman in the chest?

Dude, a titty with a pussy on it?

It's not intimate, dude.

That's too much gear.

Are you guys out of your minds?

You don't like titty fucking?

Have we talked about this?

I do not like titty fucking.

Crazy.

Waste of time.

Do you have no idea?

How about you just get like

nipples installed on your thighs, which are already like a woman's breasts?

Dude, honestly, that's not a bad idea.

Thy milk could be like the Hadoo thing in Brooklyn that everyone's into.

How would I fucking...

Yeah, I could probably do that.

Honestly, though, my thighs are pretty soft, but they just have a little bit of hair.

I guess I could wax them.

Yeah, you should.

You should wax your thighs for speed.

I'm a speed skater.

I'm Apollo.

Have you considered for diet exercise swimming?

Like doing laps?

I suck at swimming.

You suck at swimming?

What about synchronized swimming?

I'm very good at that, but not actual swimming.

You should do laps.

I think that's probably good.

Where the fuck am I going to go do laps?

Maybe at the Astoria Pool.

There's no Astoria Pool.

JPUC like that.

Join Equinox.

Just pay $300 a month to join Equinox and you can see it.

Yeah, why not?

Do you go to Equinox?

No, no, I go to Blink, baby.

Because you got a real job.

You work for Wall Street, don't you?

Yeah, I got one of the Wall Street jobs.

They just found out that I do roast battles, which is pretty uncomfortable.

Oh, shit.

I got a phone call from my boss, and she was laughing at me, and she was like, well, congratulations.

What are you going to do now?

Okay, so as long as you guys are cool with me insulting a large black woman on TV, I'm just going to keep working here to inspire me.

Yeah, 100% they're okay with it.

Isn't that the business model of Wall Street?

You just steal from large black women in some way?

Well, the one thing I do know about investing is that money never sleeps.

You do a beer bong.

What was that name?

Money does never sleep.

Money never sleeps.

It's true.

Except at 5 p.m.

when the markets close.

Yeah.

How much Coke have you done in the office?

I've never done any blow, and I feel kind of let down.

Wait, never in your life?

Never in my life.

Are you a stockbroker?

Are you just like an actuary or something?

No, I'm like a back office guy.

I do like compliance, making sure we don't send money to Iran.

Oh, okay.

Basically.

Oh, interesting.

But it's not nearly that exciting.

It's very, very boring.

So, did you go to school for numbers?

No, I'm actually pretty bad at numbers.

I went to school for school.

You were just like a white person.

I'm just a white person who was 20.

I'm a white guy.

I'm a little bit in finance.

I just sell ass backwards and do a comfortable job.

You know how that's easy easy to do for most people in America.

That's how it is.

That's what everyone does.

I imagine you going into that office, like the pursuit of happiness guy, with your son and locking yourself in the bathroom.

No, he got the job instead of the pursuit of happiness.

I know, but I'm saying, like, imagine if

a white person had to.

They don't have to do

it.

Instead of a son, I just had a bow tie and they hired me.

Yeah.

You've been inside of Brooks Brothers enough times to get the job.

He left his son in the bathroom while he he went for the interview?

Is that what happened to that movie?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I only saw the trailer.

I don't know anything about it.

They sleep in a bathroom.

I think that's what that's.

Oh, yeah.

They sleep in a bathroom.

Don't they spell happiness wrong, too?

No, it's on purpose.

It's to make fun of Chinese people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They just throw an extra L in.

What if it's just like the least woke movie of all time?

Yeah.

It's just hilariously problematic.

I'm trying to get this job at the racism factory.

I done come up with the best slurs for Chinese people y'all done never done seen.

Y'all seen these Plunkos running around?

Plunkos is good.

Plunko.

Plunkos is in the bad side.

That sounds like an Eastern European type of Chinese, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a Kazakh would be

like, like Colonel Plunko took over like Estonia, ruled with an iron fist.

Right.

Until they all died of radiation.

You know what?

Plunko, I think, might be like a like a

like disabled Polynesian person, like or an Pacific Islander.

They keep plunking in the water when they try to surf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They call them plunkos, yeah, yeah, because they're, yeah, well, water scares them.

I was joking around with a friend of mine about the Australian refugees, where I was like, yeah, they're trying to send over 2,000 refos.

Refos.

My friend's from Melbourne was like, how'd you know that?

I was like, what are you talking about?

He's like, yeah, that's what we call refugees.

We've already come up with this slang.

We just add O to the end of the rest of the day.

We We just add O at the end, yeah.

So, wait, so anyway,

Obama said we could send over like 2,000 refos.

No, please, please don't hang up, Donald.

Please don't say kangaroos, that's the only slayer we don't say.

Yeah, what are you, some sort of sailor?

Um, have you ever tossed a midget onto with onto a Velcro God?

I wish I saw I saw Wolf of Wall Street and I was like, I wish all this stuff was

so cool, it's so good.

How great is it that Aaron Glazer is in that movie?

Oh, shit.

He is.

He's just a guy in the background.

Then we find out years later that he was method acting.

He was a stockbroker.

Yeah, I guess I got a joker.

Do another cut and just like

Photoshop a vagina over his face in the scene that he's in.

He has a pussy face.

Fuck, man.

I'm fucked up from eating Oklahoma diet for 48 hours.

My stomach hurts.

What did you eat down there?

What's the food down there?

It's awful.

It's a casino.

Have you done that place?

That casino?

Dude, it is the shittiest buffet I've ever been to in my entire life, but it's so bad you're like, oh, I got to see what's going on.

It's pretty funny.

I got to fucking put this sushi that has gelatin in my fucking body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lomain is just spaghetti with teriyaki.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

Well, it's all ethnically divided.

They're a buffet.

Oh, it's like a trip around the world.

Right, yeah.

So it's like Asia.

They have mashed potatoes and they put Skittles in it so you can taste the rainbow

coffee.

Isn't there one that's just like other?

Well, Italian just has like

lobster biscuits.

Lasagna, L-A-Z-Z-A-N.

Yeah.

They didn't have the rights to lasagna.

Yeah, dude.

The food there was fucking cheap.

Oh, the steaks were good.

Steakhouse was killer.

Well, they have a nicer restaurant in there for,

you know, the high rollers.

Yeah.

The people that are on them big-time slots.

You win some dough and casino?

I don't gamble.

I don't gamble either.

That's why that shit was fucking.

I played the slots for like five seconds, and I'm like, this does nothing for me.

You just, you know, you lose money.

It's a fucking business.

You had $20.

Unless you know how to play poker, you know how to fucking play blackjack, there's no reason to go to a fucking casino.

Yeah.

I'm trying to set up a poker night.

Hell yeah.

You play poker?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

It'll hold them.

Yeah.

I was on a cruise ship and they had a little casino on board and I went to a slot machine and I didn't know how to use it.

So I just like pressed the button one time and I had no idea what happened.

And then like six weeks later, I got a check in the mail from Carnival Cruise for like $17 that I won.

And then one pulled

stupid hell yeah, dude.

You're rich as fuck.

So that's how it's done.

Yeah, dude.

Just don't know what you're doing.

Yeah, I went to the MGM Grand in Detroit.

And

casinos in Detroit?

Yeah.

It's just the GM Grand.

Yeah, yeah.

That wasn't a casino.

That was an assembly plant.

Yeah, I went to the assembly plant.

And it's a gamble whether you get your paycheck or not.

Oh, I busted my dad to Mexico.

I'm just pulling levers for something.

I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with these slots?

Some guy's dick is stuck in a machine, his beard in a conveyor bunch of

turn it off, man, please.

It's just Eminem and his black co-workers stamping things.

It's in fucking Britney Murphy behind a fucking

outside.

That was an outdoors.

No, it was inside, dude.

It was inside the building.

I think it was inside the building.

It was inside the building, but it was...

Oh, yeah.

No, those are your two options.

Inside or outside.

Don't try to fucking

get out of there.

There's a spectrum of inside and outside.

It was kind of an outside sex scene.

No, what do you mean, kind of an outside sex scene?

It's a fucking piece of shit.

I think it was kind of seen.

You derail what I'm saying.

Is it in a gazebo?

No, it was like it was next to shelves, right?

Didn't they fuck next to shelves?

Shelves makes it near outside.

Yeah, like outdoor shelves, kind of.

You're fucking stupid as shit.

They're near a window.

Is that what you mean?

Maybe that's an argument.

Yeah, I I don't know if there was a window.

I still think they were outside.

One of the hardest I've ever laughed.

I was in Home Depot with my friend Matt one time.

And Matt's like,

yeah, I don't know why.

He doesn't really look like a Home Depot employee, but he's like a black guy.

And this fucking like older white lady comes up to him and she's like, excuse me, I'm looking for this type of, you know.

She had like two things in her hand.

She's like, do you have more of these?

And Matt, like, without a beat, he's just smiling.

He's like, oh, yeah, sure.

Follow me.

And I watch him and he walks the end of the aisle and this woman starts following him.

And then I'm like on the other side of the aisles, and I see him just sort of walk this way.

And this lady's following him, and he just keeps walking all the way to the other end of the store.

And, like, eventually, she just stops following him after

50 feet.

And I'm like, crying, laughing.

She just made this dumb bitch, like, follow him halfway across the store when, like, what she was asking for was like literally right in front of us.

He's like, oh, yeah, sure, but no problem, follow me.

Like, didn't miss orange.

No, it was right in like Mark Echo, like a Mark Echo fucking sweatsuit.

She's like, um, excuse me.

Dad, man, that shit was so fucking funny.

I love that shit.

Yeah, there was this guy, we were, I forget where we were, I think we were like Krispy Kreme or something, and there was like a worker whose name was Dennis, but spelled with 1N.

And I was like, Dennis.

Yeah, I was like, I was like, I was like, call this guy Denas.

And like, immediately, before he could even, like, finish processing what I was saying, he was like, what's up, man?

Denis?

It's Denis, right?

I was wondering if

the guy just had this dumb look on his face Denis

what's up man Denas it's Denis right yeah so I was wondering if uh can we get one of these an extra one if you don't mind

oh fuck oh we need more backup name tags for Denis yeah he keeps getting vandalized my son my son's name is also Denas

yeah dude that guy's hilarious Denis with the sweet penis yeah that's what I would be named if I was named Deanus.

Man, I'm getting hungry again.

What do you want to eat, my dude?

I don't know.

I just had pizza for breakfast.

Yeah, I know.

My fucking stomach just hurts, dude.

There wasn't any vegetables.

Everyone was sad in that casino.

You're trying to drink coffee?

I'm trying, but it's not going good.

I need to drink more coffee, I think.

I don't think so.

I think my coffee levels are fucked up.

Get your metabolism going.

Yeah, well, I got used to drinking two pots a day.

You really drank two pots of coffee?

Four pots.

The doctor says you should have six pots a day.

That's very Scandinavian.

Yeah.

Well, the Scans are the most healthy people in the world.

Absolutely, dude.

They're just blonde and fucking

small and shit.

It's a sign of good health.

They all row to work.

Yeah.

You know, that's what's kind of funny about the Nazi, like, they're the master race thing.

They're kind of right.

What do you mean?

You know?

You look at them, you look at them, and you're like, well, they are right.

That is the master race.

No, they're way doughier than they were projected in film.

They're all just little people in little shorts on bikes.

Yeah, leather shorts?

That's the master race?

No, not Germans, the fucking Scandinavians.

All Nazi propaganda, it was like, that's not what you look like.

You know, that's not you.

Right, right.

That's not what German people are looking at.

If you're responsible for that much metal, you're not the master race.

Yeah, you can't.

You're saying that the...

Well, I agree with that.

Black metal is trash.

Oh, yeah, it's bad.

It's very bad.

But wait, so you're saying that the Scandinavians are the master race?

Yeah, well, that's what they're allowed to do.

Yeah, they were pretending.

Jesse Owens beat everyone at the Olympics.

Yeah, that's true.

They're good at hot.

Black people are the master race.

That's what I'm saying.

No, dude.

LeBron.

LeBron.

Black people are OP in

the athletics category.

OP.

Nah, dude, we got Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.

Yeah, but he's shit at sports.

He's just a nerd.

He was a wrestler.

He was strong.

Yeah, have you seen him back in the day?

That picture of him playing bass?

Yo, he wrestled with shirts.

That was before he learned science.

He can only choose one.

It was a reverse Captain America situation where he decided to become a bigger nerd.

I trade my muscles for more knowledge of stars.

Yeah, I'm going black as Master Race.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

They got like the coolest, like, culturally speaking, everyone tries to just ape their shit, right?

But that wouldn't have happened if they weren't like.

Because

they became that way because they were oppressed.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Africans aren't cool.

I mean, Africans are just silly.

That's true.

Yeah, they're pretty good.

Yeah.

I mean, Africans are like,

in terms of coolness, they're on par with Persians and like

and Italian Italians.

Yeah, real Italians.

Yeah.

You're right.

They're funny.

Real southern Italians.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, they're furious.

Yeah, they're like comparable.

They're comparable to Persians, where they're maybe like kind of cool, but still good.

They're a cool guy.

Yeah, right, exactly.

Real Africans just.

Well, Persians are like, they're obsessed with the club and fucking wearing cologne and shit.

Yeah, yeah, Africans are like that.

Yeah, rich are like that.

And weapons and masses.

Africans are basically they're Persians that wear sandals.

Persians wear sandals.

No, never.

They wear dress shoes.

They wear like wings.

Yeah, yo, you know what I saw in a movie the other day?

Do you remember dress sandals?

No.

Do you remember they were like a tap?

I do.

Oh, yeah.

Loafers, but they're semi-cutouts.

Yeah.

And it was like, you know, you wear a full suit with the dress sandals.

God damn it.

It really didn't.

A double-breasted suit, right?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I watched that movie Dress to Kill, the Brian Palmer movie.

I haven't seen it.

There's the cop is wearing dress sandals.

It's a power move to have his feet exposed in meetings.

Yeah, of course.

You should do that on the Wall Street.

I do.

I suck my own toes.

That's cool.

That's cool.

That's an intimidation factor.

Yeah, like a baby.

Wasn't that that SNL sketch as the baby in the bit?

The guy just says the physics of a baby.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, trying to pick up the phone and just slam it.

That's the kind of dumb shit that's fucking hilarious.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's your face as Sean Spicer when the podium starts going rogue?

That's the hardest stuff left at SNL in like five years.

I didn't watch it.

Everyone's saying it's really good.

Yeah.

I should have probably watched it.

I don't watch shit, dude.

I watch dumb.

I watch like fucking Steven Seagal movies.

Yeah.

You know, I got to catch it.

The sound of music.

Meet me in St.

Louis.

That's my watch.

Meet me in St.

Louis.

Just guy shit.

Yeah, guy shit, dude.

What was that TV show about the accidents, the terrible maximum exposure?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that was my shooting show.

We talked about that on the podcast.

It was real TV.

It was maximum exposure, and then it became real TV.

Trigger happy TV.

No, that was a sketch show.

Trigger happy TV.

Fucking moron.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah, with a big shot.

It's a big cell phone.

Oh, yeah.

That was good as shit.

That show is hilarious.

But that big cell phone thing didn't make sense.

Why would you need to scream into it?

Well, because it's a big cell phone.

It's big, dude.

No.

It makes perfect sense, man.

Come on.

No, it doesn't make sense.

Man, it doesn't track.

It's fucking bullshit.

That's bad sketchwriting.

That is bad sketchwork.

Del Close says if you have a big phone, you don't need to yell at me.

If you look at my masterclass, I saw a YouTube ad for a masterclass on creating digital music by Dead Mouse that plays before YouTube videos.

He's like, you know, you want to fucking make music?

You got to fucking make music.

Don't be a fucking bitch.

You can sit at home and not make the fucking music or you can fucking make the music.

You can

bitch idiot.

Curse bros.

It's like YouTube masterclass.

He's like, what the fuck was that?

Who's signing up for that?

You get bullied into making shitty music by words.

In Silicon Valley, like last year, some word got out that cursing makes your message more effective.

And now every idiot with a drone is putting that in their ads.

Have you ever seen the Kinobody guy?

No.

That's his thing.

He's like this super jacked Canadian bro.

And he's like, you're doing all your fucking exercises fucking wrong.

If you want to stop working out like a fucking retard, do it like that.

Dude, I'm actually kind of intrigued.

Yeah.

I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

Well, I think there was an article.

You're right, probably two years ago that said people that curse a lot are more trustworthy.

Yeah, that's

intelligent.

And as somebody that curses all the time, I can guarantee you I am not trustworthy.

I just don't know how to speak.

I don't know how to articulate the words or thoughts in my head, so I have to say fuck every other sentence.

Also, that's not true.

How many fucking stupid, poor, like, trash, white trash curses all the time?

That's more trustworthy.

People that'll fucking steal your fucking cards.

Oh, excuse me.

I was wondering if you could fucking let me borrow your fucking cell phone for a second.

Also, your hubcaps.

Yeah.

You get better reception.

Yeah, let me see your keys real quick.

I'm just trying to look at them.

Yo, I saw this David Blaine fucking shit.

I want to recreate it, but you got to give me $20.

You guys will appreciate this being from Baltimore.

When I was in Baltimore on a field trip, like in high school.

Oh, yeah, dude.

And there was this guy by the Inner Harbor, this white guy with like a full Sean John denim suit on.

Thank you.

And like a sick hat.

Thank you.

And then he asked my eighth-grade friend, he's like, hey man, can I use your cell phone?

And my friend just gives him his cell phone to talk to for like three minutes.

He starts chatting with his mom.

And he's like, no, talk to daddy no more.

Daddy, you asshole.

Can I have my phone back, please?

Wait, he just literally did want to use the phone.

He just wanted to catch up.

That's so awesome that that wasn't a scam.

That he just saw some fucking child.

And he's like, can I know, hold your phone to catch up with my mom.

How great it would be if it's like he takes a phone and then you just hear, you've reached AOL movie phone

for high noon.

Press one.

I'm trying to see movie phone real quick.

Yeah.

I know what the times is.

Yo, this shit heartwarming than a motherfucker.

Remember that Seinfeld when Trammer was pretending to be movie phone?

That was awesome.

Yeah.

Why don't you just tell me what movie you found?

damn?

Remember having to call that shit in, dude?

Damn, different times, boys.

Well, I remember looking up movie times in the paper.

I never did use movie phone.

That was like, that was like a weird future thing for me.

Did you used to skip movies?

Did you used to go see three movies or something, pay for the first one, then look in the paper with the times?

No, because I would always just go to the movies with my mom.

Oh, no.

I used to go with my friend Alex.

We used to go see three movies.

Yeah, no, I did that one time with my friends for the first time after only going with my parents.

I'm like, this is so dirty what we're doing.

Yeah, this is wrong.

Were you hard?

Very, very hard.

It felt so bad.

But we saw like, we see the fucking Crashing Tiger, Hidden Dragon,

the Mummy,

seen it.

Scorpio.

I would get bored.

I went to two movies in a row one time.

I'm like, I can never do this again.

Yeah, I gotta be hungover shit and like high and just eating like seamless all fucking day.

You know, like, I'll watch five movies on a hungover day, but, you know, if I'm feeling good, I don't want to.

Oh, at home, I'll watch, like, fucking four or five movies in a day.

But you haven't seen anything.

Yeah.

I'm talking about going to the theater.

I can't sit in a theater all day long.

It's kind of fun.

I mean, I just want to eat all that popcorn.

I've never walked out of a movie.

I just enjoy sitting in the theater.

I saw Walmart Walker through the whole thing.

I've walked out of one movie ever, and it was because my friend forced me to walk out with him.

What was it?

For whatever reason,

my friend Justin, his parents took us to the movies, and they went to see George of the Jungle,

and we went to see House of Sand and Fog.

Ben Kings.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think

serious?

I think that's what it was.

I think they took his little sister to see George of the Jungle and we're like, we're not fucking watching this.

So we went to see how I think I was like, let's go see House of Sand and Fog.

And

he's like, not enough fog.

We're walking out.

Yeah, yeah.

Even worse than that, we're watching, and there was one sex scene with Jennifer Connolly that came and went.

And he was like, well, if we're not going to see you're naked at this point, it's not going to happen.

Let's leave.

And he just gets up and like drags me with him.

And I'm like, I'm I'm watching this.

What did you do for the rest of it?

I don't know.

We just went out the lobby.

There were some

that kid was such a fucking like, I was a bad kid, but that kid was just a fucking piece of shit.

He was adopted, and so he was like, by the time he was 10, he was like 6'2, bigger than his parents, you know.

Hell yeah.

Morbidly obese.

Hell yeah.

Just an absolute fucking bully.

And he was so mean that it was so funny how fun.

Like his sister had this antique dollhouse.

I remember in the basement.

And Justin just had a crowbar one day that he was like going around with and you see him like fucking weighing the crowbar in his hands and you know he's gonna do something bad and then fucking he's looking at the dollhouse and he's like hello anybody home and just smashes through one of the windows with the crowbar and I just start fucking laughing.

I like that he did it like a regular BET

He's like what's going on in here?

And he's just fucking wiggling the the crowbar just destroying the dollhouse just smashing out all the windows.

Oh, yes.

He's like, Corey, you're supposed to clean this shit up.

You know, you should leave your toys out.

Destroy it.

And then, you know, she's like,

yeah, she goes down there and she's seeing it.

She's like crying her eyes out.

And I'm fucking like hyper-ventilating, laughing.

She goes to the parents.

They're like, there's nothing we can do.

I'm fucking, because she's such a piece of shit to witness somebody just operate.

You can see, look how naked this guy is.

Across the street, he's got no blinds.

Everyone calls my dude.

This guy's naked.

He sees dick.

Oh, yo, and the girl.

And the girl.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, that girl's hot.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's got big tits.

She's hot.

This is tight.

Why are they having

a curtains?

They're putting their clothes on.

That stuff.

Oh, no.

This is the little bit.

No, put your titanium.

No, that was tight.

This is like that movie Rear Windows.

This is like Seinfeld.

That's insane.

I guess they didn't realize that.

Can you see these people, Amber?

Yeah.

Well, I just missed his dick.

Oh, she's yeah, he's got a nice song.

No.

No, Amber.

You're on our come on.

That's not the point.

We're podcasting about this.

You're on our podcast.

He's jacking his dick.

Really?

Yeah, he's walking down the hall, jacking his dick and holding his ass.

Hilarious.

Oh, hilarious.

He was doing what it is.

They're going to call the police on us.

Yeah, probably.

He called the police.

Because that guy just looked and saw you staring through the window like a fucking 12-year-old.

Yeah.

I mean, we are.

First of all, I'm 30.

Second of all, you know.

I know.

That's why I said white.

Man, yeah, they have curtains anyhow.

So this fucking...

You go over there and like also have sex with the current.

He's trashing this girl's stuff.

I'm dying laughing.

It's like the fun.

Oh, one time his parents brought us to Cirque du Soleil, which was a mistake.

I don't know why they fucking, you know, their shitty, cultureless fucking 12-year-old son, bring him to Cirque du Soleil.

And Justin's sitting there the entire time chewing like, he had like a bag of Skittles.

He's chewing the Skittles up and spitting them forward into the dark.

And we can't see where they're going, but just the idea of him.

And he used to do this all the time.

We'd go to movie theaters and he'd spit and throw shit at

people in front of us.

What a monster.

Yeah, he was a bag.

What is he doing now?

I don't know.

He's probably dead.

Anyhow, so.

Back.

This fucking, yeah, they're back.

It's just the guy, though.

Oh, come on.

So it's

we're at Cirque du Soleil.

He's spitting candy the entire fucking time.

And then we get to the end of Cirque du Soleil, and we're walking through the lobby area.

We just hear, like, him, there he is.

that's the guy.

It's this fucking middle-aged woman, and she's with her husband.

The husband looks pissed off, and she's like, Security, where's security?

And she realizes that it's a boy.

It's just a very large boy.

And she's like, Oh, we got a very powerful boy in the lobby.

We need to take it out.

She fucking turns around.

He's like, He's spitting as all this candy stuck in her hand.

Oh.

The followers are.

It's like one of those brownies that you get at the bowet.

They get in his face and they try to, you know, they realize they can't do anything because he's a 12-year-old boy that's just enormous.

They're just like, you're going to apologize.

And he's like, fuck you.

Just read this lady's face.

He can't do anything.

And he just fucking walks out.

Was this your apprenticeship?

Yeah.

No, I fucking hated that kid.

Really?

Why were you friends with him?

Because his mom was my mom's boss.

Oh, God.

So I had to fucking hang out with him.

Yo, that's terrible.

Where did your mom work at the time?

NIH.

She was like a secretary.

And like, she got.

because the kid was, it was the kid was, he went to the daycare center my mom worked at.

So that's like how they, and then she got him the job because it was like, oh, well, our children could be friends or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

Brutal.

So you were the hook.

Yeah.

I mean, he wasn't a dick all the time.

I mean, granted.

So his parents were like research scientists?

Yeah, yeah.

And then they adopted this fucking monster boy.

Where'd they adopt him from?

I don't know.

The local?

The garbage.

They grew him.

Yeah.

Hot local adopt.

Is it a local adopt?

Is it a fucking, was he from somewhere else?

I don't know.

I can't remember.

Is he white?

Yeah, he was a white, he was white, mostly white, I guess.

Nice.

I assume anytime somebody's adopted, you're always part, you know, not.

Cherokee.

Yeah.

Well, actually, he did claim to be part Cherokee.

My friend Ethan, this small Jew,

he had an adopted brother from like Latvia or some shit, and he just had, and Ethan was just talking about his whole life.

His brother had such a monster dick.

He just had such better genes than him.

He was just like a muscular, fucking, sexy European Jew.

That would be terrible.

And it was just like, and Ethan was just like this mush, this mush of a human being with a little last dick.

I knew a guy like that who was a twin,

but his brother was just like three inches taller.

What?

Just a little better in every way.

No, he wasn't adopted.

He just

adopted it.

That's so much worse.

You have the exact same DNA, and something you're doing is bullshit.

It's clearly not your genes, it's clearly the way you're living your life.

You're not slightly closer to a microwave when you were born.

You're a little bit fucked up.

He's just kicking your ass in the womb.

He was taking all your shit, dude.

Yeah.

Fuck.

What are your twin bros up to today, dude?

Are there one more successful than the other?

I think the kid who was like the inferior one is like working for the CIA now.

Oh, nice.

That's cool.

Trying to make sure Trump dies in jail.

Deep state.

Someone tweeted that the other day, like a picture of him.

It was like, he will die in jail.

We're never going to have that satisfaction.

He's going to be president for 12 years.

I hope they extend term limits.

We'll be president the rest of our lives.

I'm kind of disappointed that

the naked couple has left the window.

I know, dude.

It's weird because whenever you see a naked person in real life, you're like,

why am I not fucking them?

Absolutely.

Even the man.

If you're nude around me, I should be allowed to fuck you.

That's the rule.

I saw that in at work.

I've been nude around you a lot.

Just go knock on the door.

You know the rules.

That's what Saba's saying.

We should go over there and ask the fuck.

Gibson on the girl.

You guys are there.

Can we also fuck you?

Hey, got your message.

Yeah, I'm right.

Come on, man.

Wait, you saw what it wowed about.

At work, I saw a cross.

There's like a building right next to my building, very close, and I looked across the way.

And it took me like five seconds to figure out what I was seeing, but it was a woman getting into the shower.

She was naked.

Nice, dude.

I was like sitting at work.

I was like,

getting money, seeing tits.

What the fuck?

These people aren't even, it's not a high-rise.

They're on like the second floor of that building.

They're walking around.

It's evening.

There's no way you can get it.

Their lights are on.

Their lights are on.

Lightning could not be better.

What the fuck are you doing?

He's doing Pilates on the windowsill with his dick out.

I don't like him, dude.

I don't like this guy.

I've decided I don't like him.

Yeah, I don't like him either, dude.

No, he's like one of those.

She had a big, juicy butt.

He's like a new age kind of guy.

You know, he's into like spirituality and that kind of shit.

How do you know this about him?

Ah, I just know.

He's just one of those guys that your girlfriend leaves you for, you know?

A DJ and your close best friend?

Yeah, a DJ and your best friend.

You know, just normal shit like that.

That happens to everyone.

They get married and travel the world together.

You know, it's just regular,

regular, normal shit.

Well, you have a series of unfulfilling relationships with either.

Girls that kind of look like her.

Girls that kind of look like her.

Just like four or five different girls that kind of look like her.

Damn.

That was cold as ice.

That was pretty cool.

I mean, just regular ass shit like that.

Regular shit like that.

Guy stuff.

Guy talk.

Just guy talk.

Just fucking beating off.

Chive on, guys.

I wish you could beat off your heart.

I love the child.

I wish you could just beat off your heart.

You know, be a cool character?

A character named Triveon Martin?

Jesus, fucking.

Are you a Trayvon character that's really into the child?

Come on, dude.

He's wearing that shirt.

What What do you mean, come on, dude?

That's a great character.

Trayvon Martin.

We should get that fucking naked guy on the podcast and shoot his ass.

We should, dude.

Because he's fucking in the window.

Light his ass up.

He, like, knocks on the door wearing a full suit, and we're like, take it off.

Take it off, dude.

Take that fucking suit off.

You're not going to be on the fucking podcast with any clothes on you, piece of shit.

We're going to make fun of you.

How dare you?

Did you have a big dick?

I didn't get to see it.

He had a big dick.

Bigger than yours.

I mean, it was like post-fuck, so it was probably like.

Oh, yeah, that real juiced up post-fuck.

That's the that's

the only time I look at my penis.

Otherwise, I just

close my eyes anytime I have to.

I look at mine, I only do it after a cold shower.

You do?

Yeah, I read Russian literature, and I only look at my dick when it's completely shriveled

at the Schwitz.

You go into like the hottest room, and then they have this freeze.

Is the hottest room for you, the one with all the men in it?

Yes.

You're okay.

I want a gun that says you're good,

Can I get a game?

Dude, I'm going to fucking buy an airsoft gun and I'm going to

get a yakback and an airsoft gun and rig the trigger so it says you're gay.

No, yakback was home alone too technology.

I want one of those guns that the joker had that said bang, but it says you're gay.

I want it visual.

That would be pretty easy.

Oh, like a flag gun.

Those of these would be pretty easy to make.

Let's make them, dude.

Whatever.

Yo, I'm not even going to.

You're gay.

You're gay.

That's what the gas actually did in the Timberton Timberton Batman.

It made the whole town gay.

They were smiling.

They just made the parade better.

Tailhead gay mouth.

Yeah.

No gay parade.

The parades, yeah.

The float game really stepped up.

Well, my joke after Dark Knight came out that I used to do at Open Mics that no one would ever laugh at is doing a Mike Joker impression where I say,

you want to know how I got these scars?

And then you point to the scars on the...

side of his mouth and he goes,

my dad's dick was this big.

And then you create the visual that

the dick was so wide it ripped his face open.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, but in very well laughed because that's how Heath Ledger died, and they weren't ready to process it.

Yeah, yeah.

But you can make a shot.

He tried to suck off a fire hydrant.

He tried to dethrone the entire Olsen twin.

Yeah, why wasn't Olson's twin involved?

They're just friends.

She found him dead, one of the Olson's.

They were texting.

They're both.

He was like, cut it out.

Cut it out.

Shaking his body.

Wait, so Olson and then Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey found him dead.

I'm still laughing about

Stop thinking

Jesse in high school.

Not high school, dude, when I was a little bit.

He's sitting in fucking high school, rock, rock doodle fucking yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was in Rockabilly in high school.

Stop four years old.

Stop was like in high school, he was like a bracer.

He was like middle school, and he was rockabilly.

Yeah, he was like, wearing like a leather jacket, and he'd be walking beside him.

He'd be walking down the halls.

He'd be walking down the halls.

Pomade.

That's what?

The pomade took all your hair out.

Yeah, the package of the girl.

And fucking strikes in your shirt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that what Rockabilly is?

I thought it was fucking bad.

Rockabilly's like, yeah, it's like the greaser ascetic, but then they listen to newer shit, right?

It's not all old rock and roll.

No, Stav was like swing dance.

Stav would like walk around with an upright bass everywhere.

Rockabilly is a lot of crossover with that swing revival bullshit.

Because all of South Austin is still like swing revival rockabilly guys.

So you know that guy, Brian They wear like rompers or uh, what did not rompers?

Creepers?

What are those fucking stupid big shoes called?

Oh, they're like bowling kind of stuff.

Yeah, but then they've got like a platform on them.

No, not spats.

What are they called?

Creepers?

Yeah, creepers.

Oh, I didn't know.

I didn't even know that existed.

Yeah, and then like, and then like pearl snaps and uh like pop, they have pompadours, pearl snap shirts.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, Stav, you being a rockabilly kid in all-black middle school or high school is like me going to my all-white middle school and having a huge Peli Pelli jacket and a chain.

That's cool.

That lasted a couple of years.

That'd be awesome.

Did you do that?

I did.

You literally did that.

That was me.

It was literally me.

As fuck.

Pelli Pelli.

I want a Pelli Pelli jacket.

It's so nice, they named it twice.

Yeah, the brand's so nice.

Yeah.

What happened?

Do you remember the band,

the Stray Cats, Brian Setzer?

Yeah.

So he was his son.

There were two Cody's in my kindergarten.

And that's going to be it for today's episode.

Thanks for joining us, guys.

We've reached our time limit.

So we had a lot of fun.

We want to thank JP for coming.

Do you have anything else, buddy?

Follow me on Twitter at JP underscore McDade.

Yeah, JP McDade.

Watch Roast Battle on Comedy Central.

Poughkeepsie with Gilbert Gottfried, April 14th.

Yeah.

Who knows when that comes out?

Yeah, stay tuned for more of the web series.

We'll get that going.

Thanks.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks.

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