Ep. 3 – The Sleepy Boys

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Come Town 3.

This one, we already, okay, so.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to Cometown.

Come Town 3.

This is the big one, guys.

The pressure's on because,

you know, we got a huge shout out on NPR and on

Terry Gross.

Terry Gross.

us out on a Terry Gross-looking bitch.

Take that, you fucking

short hair, haircut, having ass bitch.

No, we recorded a backup one in case we couldn't do this one and it came out as garbage.

Adam ruined it.

We had Adam come back and he ruined it.

He wasn't talking to the mic.

He wasn't paying attention.

He's trashing Adam.

Well, I mean, that's how I can't defend himself.

I mean, it was partially my fault, but

I blame him too.

So this is the third one.

We got Dan Soder.

Which

you're the first time this we haven't had a real guest for.

Adam doesn't count.

Why doesn't Adam count?

Because

he's just a combo.

He's guests like third Mike on the show, anyways.

You're going to get a lot of train in this podcast.

I love it.

That's the fuck train.

Guys, we are

live

at the top of the Empire State Building in the new Anthony Cumilla Studios.

We are live from the Baba Booey Studio in the torch of the fucking

True of Liberty.

You just, the button to get to the new Anthony Camilla studios is just an N,

and you press that one.

Did you ever hear that Russell Monive joke where he's like, did you guys hear that story about the Asian delivery driver getting trapped in the elevator for four hours?

He couldn't find the R for Robbie.

Classic?

That might be the best joke I've ever heard.

Yeah, exactly.

Russell Monive is hilarious.

Yeah.

We should quit comedy.

Yeah, you guys all want to quit right now?

Yeah, let's do it.

You want to play WWE, No Mercy?

Fuck.

Yes, I do.

Do you have that?

I haven't played a wrestling game since uh like 1998 it should well guess what this one came out in 2000 right around that same time uh no mercy on 64 oh yeah that i probably played it yeah okay well how about this sunday why don't you bring your ass over here and jump in the mix with his with staff's new character admiral sex admiral sex i created character dude create a wrestler and create a skater that was the greatest yeah innovation

uh are you talking about tony hawk tony hawk the only thing better than create a skater was turning off gravity where you just do $49 million.

$49 million.

Yeah, you do that and then like, what's the point of even playing the game at that point?

Like I would finish and then the score would be going off the screen.

I'd be like, yeah, it was a good afternoon.

Couldn't you buy like jean shorts or something?

Yeah, you could buy different stuff.

Right, right.

Yeah.

I remember mine in American Wasteland, I had like a blue jeanie guy that had a parrot on his shoulder.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, we used to get super high off really terrible pot my freshman year of college and order dominoes and then we would try to see who could get the most points in one trick.

Yeah, because if you did the thing, what's it called, where you keep the balance

manual

if you manualed off of like a trick and then you got to like another yeah, you could keep those chains going?

Yeah, so we'd get to like 49 million, 50 million.

Yeah, and it would be like when someone would fall or fuck up, it would be like ice skating.

Yeah, it's the only way it'd feel like someone would fuck up, and we'd be like, oh,

and it would be like heartbroken.

You'd cry.

Oh, it was so bad.

Me and my friends used to play the first one, and it was like both people, it was so easy.

We had it down to like muscle memory where you hit like start and then reset or restart the fucking like

immediately.

We had like a five-second rule, like within the first five seconds.

You could restart, yeah.

And you would just sit there, and it would be two people playing, and you know, whoever loses, you pass off the controller, right?

But on the first, like, warehouse level, where you double back around, yeah, and like grind on that half pipe, and then do the wall.

Come back down into the wall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would would fuck it up every time and so we would sit there for like 45 minutes being like oh fuck oh fuck oh no let me restart

dude if you fucking restart one more time the school in the uh there was like a bus stop that was on like Tony Hawk 3 and we would play and I'd always put on aces spades

and I'd just be so high my favorite line in that song is

when he goes

and don't forget the joker Just like, oh, that's another.

And by the way, there's another card that's cool.

What about the Jack of Hogs?

I'm playing poker.

I'm glad he's dead.

Whoa.

I'm sorry.

Is that too far?

Lemmy's Demi's.

Dude, by the way, we are in some heavy train time.

Yeah, it's back.

Every time you hear that train, a woman is coming off of the train to fuck us, guys.

I love that there's, yeah, there's always a train running when I'm trying to have a conversation and never when I need to ride the train.

Should I do that?

Is that a good bit?

That's a good one, dude.

Yeah, that's a really good bit.

Yo, I'll be on there.

I'll be trying to get on that train, yo, and then it ain't ever there when I need it.

Have you ever known that?

That's a good bit, too.

Yeah, you like that?

I don't know if Dundalk guy would make that observation.

Yo, yeah, yo.

I ain't never been on a train.

Too many different kinds of Mexicans on there, yeah.

They got too many different types, you know, too many flavors, yo.

I know about Puerto Ricans, and I know about Mexicans, and that's it.

Yo, I ain't learning no Uruguayan motherfucker.

It's always funny when they have like with dumb shitheads like that, always have like a like one or two really funny lines.

Oh, yeah, then you're like, How dumb are you?

Yeah, clearly.

Well, that's Walt, basically.

Remember, oh, yeah, Walt's man, yeah.

Yeah, so we bring up like,

I don't want to call him a shitty, a shitty comic, because for where he is, and yeah, he's he's shockingly talented.

He murders, he fucking murders this dun do just Walt Strowski, bro.

Yeah,

the guy looks like a fucking Twitter egg with a goatee.

If you put a goatee in the middle of the Twitter egg.

And then you give him a Raven's hat and camo Raven's pants.

The first time I met this guy, we did a show together in Federal Hill at some bar, one of those Color Me Funny shows.

Oh, yeah.

And I go into the bathroom.

He used the bathroom before me, and I go into the bathroom after him.

And he had taken a shit and not flushed.

Oh.

And it was just steakums floating in the toilet.

Yeah, I'm just going to do it like it's at my house.

I'm going to do it house style.

Take a dump.

But no, hold on.

Not only did he not flush, no toilet paper next to the turd.

So he just had shitted.

He would draw it?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a lot of fun.

I'm going Commando.

That's not what Commando means, Walt.

I'm going to do it Rambo style.

Oh, hell yeah.

Why did you not call this podcast the Baltimore Boys?

The Baltimore Bad Boys?

Because Cometown is the best podcast ever.

Yeah, we wanted to have a lot of time.

Also, the team wasn't going to be Walt Ostrowski every single fucking week.

It should be, though.

You guys should do a fucking homage to him.

We do get pretty deep into a shitty Baltimore comedy.

Yeah, we did

Tom Myers on the first one.

We apprised a bunch of people of the great Tommy.

Oh, yeah, if you don't know about Tommy Myers, we won't cover it now.

Yeah, we already did that wrong.

But he's one of the best, dude.

Yeah, Tom might be the best shitty comedian.

Oh, yeah.

I put him up against anybody shitty comedian.

Was there anybody in Denver?

I didn't start in Azen.

Oh, you started in Arizona, all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was this Mexican dude that was from the South Side that he'd just get up at the alpha mics and he'd go, Yo, white people,

they always be like spinning.

Murder.

He would murder.

And he wouldn't be saying anything.

I think his name is Smiley or something.

Of course, his name is Smiley.

He'd go, White people always just like, die fucking spin.

And it would fucking annihilate.

Dude, it would annihilate.

They always have names like Smiley, and they always have airbrush t-shirts.

Oh, yeah.

Smiley, Spider-Just Got Shot, isn't it?

Dude, there was a spider where I grew up.

He was like that, but he was like a.

So here's the weird thing about Denver.

It's Mexico,

but only 200 years of whiteness.

So there's a lot of Mexican people there.

And there's a surprising amount of black people in Aurora.

Oh, my door's opening.

What do we got?

Oh, hey, guys.

But there's this kid, Pueblo, is like a huge

Mexican city in Colorado.

Okay.

Pueblo, Colorado.

Really?

And this kid, Jerry Garcia,

moved

to

Aurora when we were in middle school.

And he was like straight, stereotypical Cholo, like blood in, blood out.

Had the unibrow, hair slicked back, always wore wife beaters, was oddly muscular in eighth grade.

Yeah.

Like man-body in eighth grade.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those kids had hit puberty at like four.

And he had a mustache.

He had like a little shimmy mustache.

He was like super into like fingering girls.

He was crazy.

Yeah, what am I into yet?

Finger on girls.

No, but he'd be like, dude, I'm telling you, man, like, Laura's pussy gets all wet and shit.

I just had a big head, and I was like, I want to see boobs.

I just want to see their boobies.

They're lady parts.

Scare me.

Yeah, dude,

these kids were just talking in gym class in eighth grade, and they were like talking about fucking a girl.

And I was just like, I was doing the cartoonish, like leaning over way too close they were talking about sex and they're like hey yo he listening yo he listening he ain't never fuck yo

class I was like whoa no I'm not listening I'm not I'm never and the girls laughing at me like

you have a fuck yo it's so it's funny when you see like um

a lot of black dudes are much more liberated sexually than white dudes like yeah I ran a train with that on that bitch and then the guys are like I would never be in a room with another

Yeah, but then they're also homophobic.

Yeah, they're like, I don't eat pussy because the penis went in the pussy at one point.

But you were touching your boy as you banged.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your balls were clacking together like one of those fucking what are those machines called?

Those endless motion, perpetual motion machines.

Wow, dude, that's such a smart reference.

The clacking balls clacking like those are pretty funny.

Oh, those things.

Oh, the new Newton machines, even balls.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember in sixth grade, this girl, Mikey L,

Biggie, just came out.

Ready for Die just came out, and I wasn't, I was like 11, and I was like trying to be cool, but I still wanted to go home and play with my X-Men action figures.

Of course, like, I was like waiting to get home to be like, I'm gonna set up a fort on the stairs.

I'll probably turn the couch into Magneto's layer.

Don't know if I'm really.

Did you actually do that with the action figures and toys?

Because I remember like toy commercials as a kid.

The kids were always like setting up scenarios with the toys.

And I'm like, who actually does that?

My dumbass.

I did too.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't even have that.

I didn't do action figures ever.

But I can't imagine.

I didn't have an imagination.

Well, I think you did.

I just think you have the emotional reins of a lizard.

That's true.

You're actually just murdering each other.

That was the whole thing.

Or it was just a trial for a murder that happened.

You didn't even get the joy of like smashing your action figures into each other.

You're just doing like a high-ranked, high-pressure, OJ-like trial of Wolverine.

All All I'm saying is, if the blades do not come out of his hands, he clearly did not.

He's just shredding the glove.

There you go, Bub.

But I was in sixth grade, and Mikey L was like,

I did that thing where, and this is a life lesson I should have learned that day, but it didn't stick until I was about 28.

But I go, oh, yeah, that new Biggie album.

It's awesome.

She goes, is he a person or a group?

Oh,

got me stuck.

Oh, so you were just

notorious BIG.

And I was like, there's no indication of singular or plural.

I was like, she said, is he a person, though?

I know, I'm dumb.

No, she goes, is that a group or a person?

That's what she said.

Oh, she was checking it.

She caught me.

I go, it's a

guy.

She goes, okay.

And I go, that's the right answer.

She's like, you don't know, Biggie.

I was like, no, I don't know.

Can I please finger you?

I just want to go play with my eggsmen.

But then

when Jerry Jerry Garcia moved into town and he was fingering all those pussies, that's right.

One day in eighth grade, my best friend Byron was like, hey, Jerry Garcia, where's the rest of the grateful dead?

Wasn't even a good zing.

But you just don't disrespect like a young Cholo like that.

Dude, he lit Byron up with like six punches quick.

Turns out he was fucking a golden gloves champ out of Pueblo.

So he just fucking blasted him.

Everyone was like, dude, the two toughest kids in my school that were Mexican were both Golden Gloves fighters.

And they were like John Casados and Jerry Garcia.

Jeez.

One time there was a straight mini race war where

this black dude named Carlton, who's in prison, get Carlton out of prison.

Free Carlton.

Free Carlton.

Free Carlton.

Jerry

or John Cassados.

It was John Casatos, Carlton, and this Asian dude named Solomon.

And they all fucking fought.

And everyone was like, this is crazy.

It was a three-way fight?

Yeah.

It was like all minorities, yeah, yeah.

Well, then the white white troops can't step in, they don't know what to do.

They probably orchestrated it somehow,

they didn't like me because that day I wore a throw, a fucking crown, and I just sat at the edge, and I did the sideways thumb, and then I gave him the thumbs down.

Like, yo, man, I feel like this white dude's controlling all this.

That's my evil intention: race wars, real race wars.

Do you think different minority groups would team up if there was a real race war?

Yeah, Patrice has that bit, does he?

Yeah.

Whoops, my bad.

So you're a hack.

Yeah.

So way to be a hack on your own.

But no, I think it would.

I'm deleting this one too, dude.

We're getting Adam back.

We're bringing Adam back.

I think it would be, yeah, I think it would be like Asians would go with white people.

Mexicans would go.

Mexicans would team up with the blacks, right?

Yeah.

I think Mexicans and like Indians.

Ooh, no, no, no.

Indians.

That'd be 50-50.

You don't know which way they go.

Because, dude, I'm in Midtown.

I see a lot of like young Indian kids, and they're just like, they act black.

They drop the N-bombs.

They act black in the way.

They drop the N-bomb.

They act the white bombs.

Which act in the way the white guys act black.

See, we don't have wiggers anymore.

Indians stole that from us.

They're culturally age-rated or culturally.

No, no, no.

Because Indians, because

all their families are affluent.

All their families are like doctors that make millions of fucking dollars.

So they're rich kids.

All the Indians

are rich kids.

Pretty much, dude.

The average income for an Indian family in America is like $100,000.

Nice.

That's the average.

But yeah, no, they stole Wiggerdome from it because there aren't any more.

They don't have them.

Oh, there's your dude.

I don't know, man.

I think you got to go.

That's just

dude.

I'll tell you this.

Northern California, like Podunk, Northern California.

Yeah.

Like, oh, some good Colorado trash.

But I mean, like, a guy that's like, nah, I'm saying, nah, I mean, you know, like one of those, those guys are still.

Very few.

No, but you're right, though.

Culturally, though, there's way more

Indian dudes doing that right now and just Indian people in general.

South Asian, I would say.

There was a kid that I remember from middle school that would walk around with a very affected pimp limp.

Like that from class to class.

Remember, there was a terrifying white.

People were like, that's just how he is.

That's his thing.

I guarantee you, he's not doing that now at whatever bank he works at.

I don't even want to say this guy's full name because he was legitimately terrifying.

His name was Andy.

And he used to wear, I don't want to say his full name, he wore Afro Sheen in his hair.

That's how big of a wiggler he was.

Yeah.

Straight up.

He'd be like, what's up, dog?

But he was also a live wire.

Yeah.

That's why when Chappelle put out Killing Him Softly and he did that joke about that the most dangerous motherfucker in them groups, immediately I thought of Andy.

I was like, yeah, I know who that is and that he's fucking crazy.

Yeah.

Dude, Spider?

We were talking about Spider.

That's how it all got started.

Yeah, yeah.

One night,

me and my friend Mike and Byron are sitting on Mike's driveway, right?

And we're just hanging out.

Suburbs, upper-middle-class neighborhood, middle-class, upper-middle-class neighborhood.

straight up suburbs.

And we're sitting there and this fucking Cadillac just comes rolling down and takes a hard corner.

And Byron goes, I think that's Spider's Cadillac.

And I was like, yeah, but where's Spider going?

He's going up the street towards our friend Joel's house.

All of a sudden, the Cadillac just fucking turns around, flips a bitch, and starts driving towards us.

And we're like, well, this is kind of getting weird.

Right.

Fucking...

Across the street, over the street, up the driveway.

We're like, ah!

We just take off, go around the side of the house to Mike's house, jump the fence, get into his house, and shut the sliding glass door and lock it.

And fucking Spider and Andy are just at the door, fucking beating on it.

We're like, oh,

wait, why were you afraid of them?

Because they were going to kick the shit out of us.

For what?

What did you do?

I don't know.

They just started running at us, dude.

They just broke out at us.

We were going to stand there and be like, let's figure out what's going on.

These two dangerous dudes.

And they just, they chased.

Obviously, they were going to try to fuck us up.

They just chased us in the backyard.

Dude, that was, it was so crazy because it was one of the things where I ran in the house being like, yeah, we didn't have to do that.

And I looked at it.

I was like,

they were there.

There was like this guy that was like a wig that I remember when I was a teenager.

A wig.

Yeah.

Because that's, you know, you get to say that word.

So when I'm fucking.

You really get it.

Yeah.

You get your money's worth.

Yeah, definitely.

So, no, but he's one of the and he's like a dumb guy that said, had like a great line.

Yeah.

And it's still one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

We're like sitting around like a table, and

these two girls were talking about like IQs or whatever.

And one of them is like, well, my IQ is 120.

So that's like really smart.

And the other one's like, oh, really?

Because mine's 121.

You know,

they're like doing that back and forth.

And this kid, who's, you know, white bandana, white-fitted cap, you know, like big white t-shirt, where they dress like black guys, but then the clothes all have to be white.

Like they have like the white Air Force ones.

So it makes them all look super pale.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, they have to match their skin tone.

They just do like a fucking, you know, like where they take like sub-zero and make him scorpion.

Yeah, so they look like a black guy, like they just changed to do that.

Where it's like the alternate outfit.

Where you were like, oh, dude, check this out.

This guy's got a white guy filter.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so he's sitting there.

Light blue, too.

They like a lot of light blues.

Oh, yeah.

Carolina blue, baby.

He's scariels.

He's sitting there at the chair, like as completely slouched as possible with his like pants basically pulled down to his ankles.

Like he's fucking, you know, just as relaxed as possible.

And they're talking about IQs and he goes man I even gonna bring my IQ up because you wouldn't man y'all wouldn't even believe me if I told you

and I was like what's your IQ and he goes and he's like

472

dead serious

472

I was like hyper ventilated

I think because they delivered it in a way where it was like the funniest fucking

Was he trying to be funny or was he trying to do it?

No, he was dead serious.

Oh, yeah.

All those dudes.

He was dead serious.

All those dudes thought they were so serious.

Yeah, no, he was going to.

I remember he was always like, I work for BMW, man.

I make six figures.

I work for BMW.

And he was like a detailer at a BMW.

Dude, that's so funny.

I totally forgot about those kids that would brag about adult stuff.

Oh, yeah.

There was this white girl who was a wigger.

And she reached out to me on Facebook.

Nice.

Because she saw me.

Recently?

Yeah, she saw me on Showtime.

So she was like, oh my God, you doing things.

And I was like, you're in your 30s.

You're still doing this.

You're in your 30s.

She was like

hot.

I'll show you a picture of her.

She was hot, but she would just fuck with like thugs.

Yeah, yeah.

Like hardcore thugs.

Right.

And she, uh,

we were in math class, and it's so funny you bring that up.

People just straight lying.

She'd go, yeah, my dad owns Bally's.

And I was like,

what?

Did Did they go company go out of business?

But this was back when they were like kind of the

like the hot they kind of were the hot gym for their

yeah, my dad be owning ballies.

I was like, Why do you live in Aurora?

She was like,

Because

my mom's from here.

My dad wants me to like grow up like my mom.

It's just like dumb shit like that.

Yeah, always a lie.

Always a bullshit lie.

Yeah, my friend, my friend told like a fucking great lie when we were like teenagers.

He goes, I wasn't there for it, but he told our other friend, he's like,

yeah, when I'm like high and shit, I can like understand German.

That's hilarious.

The language.

I can't speak it, but when I'm high, I can understand.

He'd never taken German.

It's just the similarity between English and German.

You think about all those like shithead middle school, high school lies that you would tell.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, we were using my mom's old forerunner to

take out trash cans.

Hell yeah, dude.

I used to fucking, I used to, my first car was a fucking

Chevy Blazer, and we would we would set up in the pizza hut.

There was a pizza hut connected to like a fucking giant and a fucking, just a shitty strip mall in Dundalk, actually.

And we would just set up like gir uh uh shopping cart obstacle courses and I would just smash through the shopping carts in a fucking

once you get through the actual thing of like oh no, I shouldn't be doing this once you've committed to smashing shit with a car.

Yeah.

So we had my mom's four-owner.

I didn't have a car.

I think my car died or something.

So we were driving around and I was like, hey, we should take out.

I thought it was funny.

I was like, let's take out these trash cans.

It was like, boom.

And then it just became the whole night's activity.

Of course.

Just like running shit over.

But we were trying to push a porto potty over.

We were trying to push it over.

And then we drove by it.

And I like tried to push it with my hand, but it fucking didn't.

It just jammed my hand.

And I go, oh, I broke my arm.

I broke my arm.

And my friend Joel is recording me on his hand.

It was back back in the day at camcorders.

He goes, I don't think you broke your arm.

And then, like, five minutes later, he lost the videotape, but

we watched it as adults.

Five minutes later, he's sitting there.

He goes, hey, Soder, has you broken an arm?

I go, shoot up.

I didn't bring my arm.

It was one of those lies.

I was like, no, guys, I really did.

I broke my arm.

I'm not fucking around, guys.

I definitely didn't.

Dude, yeah, fucking middle school kids lies.

Yeah.

Oh.

The bet.

Actually, the car thing, I kept doing that well into my 20s.

Really?

Yeah, me and Jake Flores.

Jake used to have this this piece of shit ford focus and i had like a shitty 96 explorer and uh

we would uh one time chris cubis another comic he had to like move yeah and so he was like asked me and jake to help him move and within 30 minutes of helping him move his stuff like one of us just dropped something and it broke yeah and then we were like ha ha ha

and then we just started trashing all of his stuff in his like former apartment or like took his bed frame and threw it through the wall And like Chris didn't give it.

We were just drunk.

You know, it was like it was like noon.

We were trashed.

It was Wednesday.

And we were doing like a bit.

We were like,

this would be a funny sketch.

It's called like quality movers.

And they just destroy everything.

But there's no camera.

So it's not a sketch.

We're just

destroying it.

And so he had this old computer monitor.

And we're like, I'm taking the thing over my head and throwing it at

the wall and shit and smashing holes in the wall.

And we're throwing it all over the parking lot trying to smash this computer monitor But so CRTs those like cathode ray tubes Yeah, the screen is like an inch and a half of glass Yeah, those old computer monitors thick as fuel are hard as shit to break but inside because the way those things work is it's this like gun that shoots electrons at the screen real fast and that's what makes it light up and you know it's like precise but so it's got to be a vacuum on the inside so when you finally break that screen it fucking implodes and it's like a really cool thing to see so you know and I know that, so I was like, we gotta.

I had been in that previous situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm like, I'm like, guys, we gotta destroy this thing.

And we're trying all these ways to get it to smash, and we can't do it.

So eventually, we took just the cord to it and tied it to the back of Jake's car.

And then I was like riding it, and he was just driving it through the fucking parking lot, and I fell off, and he's like going around corners and smashing it into like fire hybrids and shit.

But yeah, no, we were like, what finally did it?

I think that did it.

We like hit a curb and it popped and shit, and it was kind of underwhelming.

Chris had another TV.

Chris had like a 36-inch CRT that we brought.

We moved into our new, the one, the apartment me and Chris moved into

with the intention of we're going to fucking destroy this thing.

And there was one night I was drunk and I was like, either I'm buying PS4 or a shotgun from Cabela's so I can shoot this fucking TV.

And I ended up buying the PlayStation, which is still a waste of money.

But I don't know.

I think the shotgun, you would have done that.

I would have killed myself.

I would have done the TV, and then the next saying would have been like, or you would have hit someone with a buckshot and been like, I don't know.

Now you have to do a comedy benefit once a year for your friend that's in a wheelchair

because you decided to fucking play fucking Sarah Connor and try to do a one-arm cock of a

shotgun.

Which is the one that you spin.

No way, man.

That's a repeater.

Yeah,

you don't want a repeater.

Dude, you'll fucking blow your goddamn foot off.

Best case of ever.

Yeah.

No, we had fun.

That was, yeah, those stories of the fucking,

the alcoholism days are pretty hilarious.

Yeah.

Austin.

No, I want to start drinking again just so I can make this whole kind of decisions.

Man, I got pulled over one time.

I had to like fly back to see my family for Christmas.

It was the day before Christmas Eve.

And I went out to a bar with like Joe Stats and I had like nine beers.

And I got, me and Jake had fought the night prior to that so I had like a giant black eye

and I had nine beers and then I took a beer somehow they just let me take a beer with me from the bar which is not I don't know so I'm driving and Joe's trash too and I'm like I have like a tall boy on my lap and then I I pass by this cop and I'm like immediately I'm like fuck shit fuck your cop fuck and then the cop's following me I'm like shit and then I like There's a red light and I pull halfway into it, like while the light's still red.

And I'm just like fucking up.

I'm like, god damn it.

And then Joe's like, just take a left here, take a left here.

And he's like, you know, in my ear and light turns green.

I turn left.

I've turned left onto like a divided highway.

So I'm like going the wrong way down the divided highway.

And Joe's like, just jump the curb.

Just jump the curve.

Just jump the curb.

And I'm like, I'm like, no, man.

I'm like, I'm fucked, you know?

So I'm like, I'm going to jail.

And I fucking just pull off in the first side street.

I put my hazards on.

And I'm like, I can't believe this, dude.

I'm fucking.

Wait, the cop light lit you?

I pulled over first before he could light me because I had fucked up.

So I put my emergencies on.

I just pulled over and I was waiting for him.

And then, you know, I, you know, threw the hazards on.

I'm like, I'm going to jail.

I'm fucking going to jail.

But then the cop pulled up behind me and threw the hazards on.

And then, like, somehow he comes to the window.

I'm like, I can't believe this shit.

And I roll down the window and the cop's like, hey, how you doing tonight?

I'm like, yeah, I'm real sorry about that.

And then, like, me and Joe were just.

We did.

First of all, a lot of it is just white privilege.

But like,

you know, immediately I was like, yeah, I'm fuck, I'm sorry about that.

Um,

you know, I'm driving him home, he's giving me directions, and he's fucking trashed, you know, or whatever.

And uh, Joe's like screaming already, you know, he's like just hamming up how drunk he is or whatever.

And I had, I had given the beer in my lap to Joe beforehand, he just poured it on himself and crammed it under the seat.

So the cop's like, okay, so you know why you're pulled up.

I'm like, yeah, obviously he's driving the wrong way down the thing.

He's like, okay.

He's like, have you been drinking tonight?

And I was like, I had like two beers, you know.

I was like, I had one with like dinner and then another one, you know, just right before we left the bar, you know, but I'm not like drunk or anything.

He's like, okay, well, can you get out of the car just so I can make sure all that smell is coming from him?

I was like, yeah, sure.

And then still in my head, I'm like, I'm going to jail.

Yeah.

And so the cop brings me around behind the car and he's like, just hang tight for a second.

And then he like talks to me.

This ghost just beats the shit out of me.

I'm going to whoop your drunkard, friend.

Yeah.

So they talk to Joe and they come back over to me.

and the cop looked just like David Bowie.

Oh, weird.

He looked like a butt, like a jack David Bowie.

Like a cop, David Bowie.

Like major tone to ground control.

We've got a couple of black guys

wandering around the back of the bank.

Young Americans.

They were black and they were driving.

And they deserved it.

Yeah.

So

this cop looked just like David Bowie.

And my drunk part of my mind is like, tell him he looks like David Bowie.

He'll think that's cool.

You'll ingratiate yourself to the cop.

He's going to be like, oh, for real, man?

Oh, yo, I love the Star Trial.

Luckily, I didn't.

You know, he was like, okay, like, you know, I do smell alcohol in you.

He's like, you only had two drinks.

And he's like, are you telling the truth?

And I was like, yeah, it was two.

It was like one with dinner and then one just now.

He's like, okay.

He's like, I do smell a little alcohol in your breath.

I don't think you're lying to me.

You know, if you'd said you hadn't been drinking, then we'd have a fucking issue.

But, you know, he's like, I'm going to let it slide.

So he's like,

what do you want to do?

And he like brings me back to my car and he's like, you just go around here, you know, take a right, and then, you know, make sure you get on the right side of the road, you know, coming around.

I'm like, all right, thanks, you know.

And then he, I'm like, just sitting there with Joe.

I'm like, holy fucking shit.

I can't believe that worked.

And as I was saying that, the cop was like,

he was back at the window.

He's like, yeah, you forgot your ID.

And I was like, thanks, man.

And I really have no idea how I got out of that one.

Holy fuck.

Yeah.

I was, when I was 16, I was 17, we did mushrooms.

Me and my buddy did mushrooms, and we ran out of cigarettes.

We just ate the mushrooms.

We were like, we're going to need cigarettes.

Because when you trip, when I used to trip in high school, I used to love to smoke.

Like two packs.

You must have been cool as hell.

Oh, dude, I was so much pussy.

Actually, I wasn't.

I had sex once in high school, and that was it.

Nice, dude.

Dry fucked a lot.

Yeah, I came in my pants a lot.

We figured that out.

That's what first base is.

It's a walk if you come in your pants.

Oh, yeah.

I walked away.

It's a walk.

Yeah, yeah.

I walked a lot.

I didn't fuck it all.

But we

ate.

We both ate and ate the mushrooms.

But I ate mine first, like probably 30 minutes before he did.

And I ate it.

And then he came over and ate his.

And I was like, yo, we gotta go get cigarettes.

And he's like, all right.

But his mom dropped him off.

He's like, I don't have a car.

I was like.

Drive my car.

Drive my car.

We'll go get cigarettes.

He's like, all right.

So we're taking like this back way.

Yeah.

Something, something, and I'm like, oh, I'll take it right here.

And he runs a red light, like barely runs a red light.

Fucking cop right behind us.

We're like, fuck,

pull us over.

That's how I knew the mushrooms started working because the red and blue lights on the inside of my car, and this is like dusk, so it's just starting to get dark.

And it's like they were like hitting each other.

And I was like, oh, man.

Oh, man.

And

he's like freaking out.

My buddy Mike's like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

Like, just wait.

So it's a lady police officer comes to the door.

I'm like, miss, officer, I'm so sorry.

This is my car.

I'm planning on drinking tonight.

And so I wanted my friend to drive it just so I can make sure when I was sober that he could have just like mushroom talking.

She's like,

she's like, okay.

Can I see both of your licenses?

And I was like, yeah, we both give her our license.

And she's like, okay.

And then goes back and we're melting down.

mime and i are melting down

i can't go to jail i'm fucking mushrooms i'm gonna fucking die in there i can't do it and he's like dude it'll be all right man i don't know like i'm gonna they're gonna take my license like she better not look at my pupils we're waiting for like five minutes it's starting to get fucking pretty like are they what are they doing are they calling for backup right right you just don't know because you're selling mushrooms and she comes back and she just hands us both of our licenses and she goes you boys are having the luckiest day of your life there was a shooting that we need to report to so you guys are good to go.

Get out of here.

Like he drove away, and I was like,

fuck.

I'm so glad that four-year-old got shot.

Apparently, there was something at the Batman movie here.

Aurora, baby.

A town.

Yeah, that's what it's known for.

It's James Holmes.

Yeah, James Holmes, who's, by the way, not even from Aurora.

He's from San Diego.

Oh, why was he there?

Just for the shooting?

He heard it was a really nice shooting theater.

He's like, I heard the acoustics is awesome.

They bounce off of a sawed-off.

I want to do my live album.

You ever see those theater chains that are, it's like, I think they're called Tinsel Town.

And they got this stupid.

They have them in Texas.

These ridiculous movie theaters with this fucking...

I like to think of it like shooters do shootings like they're doing an album.

Like, where are you going to do your mass shooting?

It's like, gosh, thinking about Santa Barbara.

But I feel like that's hack.

I want to do Colorado.

like, a lot of good shootings there.

Yeah, yeah, no, you know, it's like Columbine's the classic.

How am I going to not do Columbine?

I don't know.

It's not about doing it, it's about doing your own thing with it.

It's like playing with it, you know.

Maybe dress up like the Joker.

That's so funny.

I could not stop laughing at that.

Well, the Joker thing that, you know, the shooting happened, and it's like, yeah,

he thought he was the Joker.

But that's also, that shows shows you he's he uh so he was a med student at the University of Colorado, and the University of Colorado built two hospitals in Aurora to kind of like build up Aurora.

Because Aurora is like um it's a dilapidated suburb.

Little methy?

Not really.

It's just kind of it's like you know, middle class.

It's the evaporating middle class.

The lower middle class.

It's like have you ever seen the movie Suburbia with Flea?

No.

It's this like early eighties, like it's in the same vein as

like

River's Edge.

I've ever seen River's Edge.

But yeah, it's got flea in it when he's 16.

Okay.

Yeah, that's basically what it is.

But it's all worn down.

Like all the houses are vacant and shit.

Yeah, they're not like, yeah, close to vacant.

It's not what it used to be, type of thing.

You could tell it was super nice in the 70s.

Right, right, right, right, right.

All the architecture, you're like, this was really nice in the 70s.

That's weird about like...

We all live in New York, like big cities.

I've watched all these old buildings come down and new buildings go up, and they try to update it, but suburbia motherfuckers just keep, especially in Colorado, they just keep moving where there's untouched land.

Like, oh, we'll just build.

So, you can actually see the decades, right?

Especially in Aurora, where you're like, oh, this was big in the 80s.

This was nice in the 90s.

This was nice in the early 2000s.

And now it's like, you know, the McMansion.

So it's like starting to move out.

So,

so the University of Colorado brought in hospitals to like stimulate the economy of Aurora.

And James Holmes was like a medical student there.

And I think he was either schizophrenic or bipolar, but he was off his meds.

He's actually, he's an agent of chaos.

What if he was the joker the entire time?

Ah, this guy.

They should get him for the new movie.

I mean, let him out of jail because to be honest, he was the best joker.

Heath Ledger was good, but James Holmes.

I'm still sticking Nicholson.

Nicholson's like, I want to go meet the guy.

I want to see how he can do it.

If a guy shot at the movie theater acting like Jack Nicholson,

goddamn it, chief, I'm going to kill all of them.

Why don't we broaden our horizons?

Lawrence?

Are you playing bat dance?

Carol the waitress meets Simon the fag.

He's playing bat dance while he's shooting them.

He's got his own boom box.

Lawrence?

That's what all they hear before he starts getting killed.

Potty man!

I do man to add!

Boom!

Yeah, there was like, that was super fucked up, so

I gotta make good to bring Aurora back into the spotlight.

Yeah, dude, and you're doing it.

You're killing it right now.

You just had the special drop.

You did the album drop.

Special drop.

Special drop.

And you're on

the award-winning Paul Giamatti show.

It hasn't won any awards.

Oh, well.

I hope it does.

I just thought that was just a thing you say about things.

I didn't realize.

You don't realize those are based on actual things.

Some kind of independent spirit award or something.

Yeah, you gotta have.

That'd be cool.

Paul Giamatti is an award in and of itself.

Yeah.

He's like a little trophy.

I've won the Paul Giamatti, which is a handshake from Paul Giamatti.

Good to see you again.

Paul Giamatti.

I don't like it.

He's just an asthmatic nerd.

I'll tell you.

I am

always

about to have a heart attack.

Yeah, it's almost a Richard Nixon meets Paul Giamatti.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you why I like him so much.

Yeah.

Besides him being a super nice guy, at the premiere, Judah Freelander was there, and Paul was saying hello to everybody.

Then he saw Judah and lit up.

He was like, Judah!

And I was like, anybody that likes Judah Freelander that much, I'm way on board with.

That's great.

Any famous person, any supervisor?

He's a famous test.

Alec Baldwin and Paul Giamatti.

Oh, yeah.

Alec Baldwin is a guy.

Do you know Phil Burke?

The kid that does, he does like mics and shows around New York.

York, but he did some bar show on the Lower East Side, and Alec Baldwin was there, and he's like, I want to make you famous.

He said that?

Yeah, and he's like, he gave him his agent's info, and Phil was beaming.

He came to Cabin afterwards.

He's like, yeah, I can't believe it.

And he's still just doing mics.

He's just never heard of it.

And two years later, nothing happened.

I did a movie with Alec Baldwin, and I got a picture.

And that's all I wanted.

Yeah.

That's great.

I don't do pictures ever.

You never ask for pictures?

Well, because they're celebrities.

They make me look like shit.

Why would I want a really shitty picture of me?

You know why I wanted a picture with him?

Because he was so nice.

I was going through a breakup, and he just sat there and talked to me about it.

Dude, get out of here.

We ate a plate of french fries and gossiped about girls.

Get the fuck out of here.

How have you not told this story before?

It was awesome.

He likes out there.

He's like, She wasn't for you.

Can you say stuff like that?

Or he goes, I'm telling you somewhere got in your ear.

Dude, how much more does advice from Alec Baldwin land than from like even your best friends?

Your best friends could tell you something.

Your dead father could come back, and it wouldn't be as much as Alec Baldwin.

By the way, talking about it, here's the weird thing.

He was talking, he was like, you know, I went through a, he's like, I went through a tough divorce in 2000.

I want to be like, yeah, Kim Basinger.

We all know about it.

Everybody knows about it.

You called your daughter a rude pig also.

Rude boy.

You called your daughter a rude boy.

Yeah, be real.

But it was so crazy that he was just like, here's what I'm going to tell you.

Don't get married before 35.

He just told me all this awesome stuff, and I was like, yes, Alec.

Thank you, Alec.

Well, I feel like that applies if you're Alec Baldwin.

Because Alec Baldwin at 35 was right around when he started, you know, swelling.

You know?

Like, he became like a very.

Oh, you're saying when he was like

super handsome?

Dude, he used to be a beautiful man, and then something happened.

He's still a good-looking older man.

He's killing it for he's good-looking, buddy.

Yeah, he has that thing where like some guys just start to expand.

They never get fat, they just take up more space.

Yeah, it looks like like they're taking on water.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Surely

the way a corpse does.

It's like Alec Baldwin was on some boat that disappeared and then he washed up on the shore.

Are you a gypsy curse?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Were you almost enslaved by pirates, by Hong Kong pirates?

Hong Kong pirates.

We are not African pirates.

We are Hong Kong pirates.

Listen to me.

Listen.

I am not an African

pirate.

pirate.

I'm Hong Kong pirate.

I live with those people.

I live with all Hong Kong pirates.

This is dumb thing.

Great name.

What a great name.

You want me to be my Hong Kong pirate?

The grandmother doesn't speak any English at all, so

you could call her Hong Kong pirate.

I don't know.

That's also a great band name.

Yeah.

Hong Kong Pirates.

Yeah.

And then I have to open every show with.

One, two, three, four.

We got a hype man that just plays the gong.

I think I'm talking about

the beginning and end of the show.

So woke?

Yeah, I can't tell if she likes me or not.

I love being woke.

Nothing on this podcast is woke.

We don't do any kind of anti-woke podcast.

Yeah, you should call it the a sleep podcast.

Yeah, my girlfriend.

Sleepy boys.

Yeah, sleepy boys.

We ain't woke.

We ain't never gonna be woke, bitch.

Yeah, sleepy boys.

I'm on Xanax.

I'm using slurs.

I'm using slurs.

I'm on it.

Your boy on Antioch.

I'm telling stories about white privilege.

Get me out of conflict with the please.

But I'm acting like it's intelligent.

You know what I hate is wiggers.

I can't explain why, but there's something about them that pisses me off, man.

Why would you...

They're just traitors.

I see them as traitors.

Yeah, they're traitors.

Sleepy boys.

Sleepy boys.

Yeah, no, I can't tell if the Chinese people I live with like me or not because the language is so harsh that like, like, I love you in Chinese.

It's like,

he say he rip your face off

but it was so tender oh no very no tender

he say he don't like you at all

he find you to be disrespectful yeah no one outworks immigrants like you live with an immigrant if you live near immigrants yeah you're like that guy works oh yeah like I remember this dishwasher I worked with at the restaurant.

Uh, he was from Ghana, his name was Lasalle, and he wouldn't sleep.

Yeah, he was this African dude, and he would like always brag that he never slept.

I'd be like, Lasana, where do you sleep?

He'd be like, I do, I go to a park, I lay down for 10 minutes on a bench, I go to my next job, and then I come here.

I was like, Oh my god, I got six and I am beat for energy.

I crush spider in a bowl and drink blood.

I don't know if you know this, I take the vapor from the dish machine

and it gives me power.

I'm like a locomotive.

I am steaming joy.

I burn it.

He only gets tired when he can't find albinos to eat.

I consume the whitest people

in order for me to be the king.

I am the king.

Yeah, no, it's because immigrants don't know about happiness yet.

It's always there.

I'm the shitty kid.

I don't think it's happiness as much as immigrants don't think they're worth

or they don't feel entitled to

being uncomfortable.

They don't feel entitled, and it's also like if they're a straight-up immigrant, like less of the culture is really for them or accessible.

Like, what is the old Chinese grandmother I live with gonna do this weekend?

Go see the new teenage mutant ninja turbo screen?

She's gonna go see lady ghostbusters.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

I don't think it's called lady ghostbusters.

It's called lady gusters.

It's not a fucking

miss ghostbusters.

Miss Ghostbusters.

Sorry, I got Ghostbusters pronouns wrong.

It's okay.

Don't worry, it's the sleepy boys.

So you don't have to be woke.

But also, it's that thing of like, I think even children of immigrants in an American thing is you think you have the right to not be uncomfortable.

So when you're uncomfortable, you're like, uncomfortable.

And you take that as like pain.

Where like

immigrants work like 100 hours and their hands are bleeding from their being dry.

And they're like, well, that's not pain.

That's uncomfortable.

Yeah, it's funny because I mean, I live in a tenement with these Chinese family, yeah, and it's close quarters, and the hot water's off all the time, and they have no recourse.

They can't.

I mean, I've complained to 311, it does nothing, and they just have to live like that.

They do all their laundry in the fucking shower, and they live off pennies.

And uh, so when you're planning on moving out, well, that's the thing is, like, I'll tell people about it, and like even Ari was like, Yeah, human beings aren't supposed to live like that, and it's like, but referring to me, I'm like, No, plenty do, plenty, right, right, plenty of them do, and they're fine with with

them.

Like, how do you do?

How do you do that?

It's like, well, I mean, the Chinese do it.

And they're like, yeah, but, you know, they're different somehow.

They're not people.

And it's funny.

I love,

because it's on the Lower East Side, is there's all these like, you know, people like tourists will come and they'll go to the tenement museum and go on walking towards the lower east side.

And they'll be like walking past Chinese families that live in the lower east side.

And they're like, yeah, can you believe how hard immigrants used to struggle in this neighborhood?

But I mean, like, like the good kind of immigrants.

Not the kind that had the soupy language that we don't understand.

Like, you know, the suspender mustache guys, the organ grinders, the kind of immigrants who like to romanticize.

Remember, guys, used to wear paperboy hats?

Yeah.

Not the ones that spend all their time squatting and smoking illegal cigarettes.

It's contaminated with fucking Chernobyl radiation.

Russian old Moscow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not those kind of immigrants.

Boiling chicken hearts.

Yeah.

No, but they do it.

And I mean, I actually have a lot of respect for them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they've been like super cool.

They kind of almost like my heart melted when the FBI came to my apartment looking for me and I wasn't there.

And the fucking dad was like, even if they come back, we tell them we don't know you.

Are you my new dad?

Yeah, yeah.

He had no clothes on when he said that, too.

He was wearing his boxers and eating fish eyes off a plate with chopsticks.

And he's like, yeah, we tell them we don't know you.

It's okay.

It don't matter.

I tell them, fuck off.

Yeah.

You ain't calling me police.

We call transporter.

I'll send you to Hong Kong.

We get transporter, I'll bring you back to Hong Kong.

I've been hired by your Chinese family.

Is your name Nicholas Mullen?

Well, here's the deal: I've got about 15 minutes to put you in the back of this BMW before I have the triads and the FBI come looking for both of us.

So get in right now.

We call Transporter.

Yeah, Transporter.

Transporter.

I see him right there.

The casual conversation.

How are you doing, Ling?

Yeah, I'll come pick up your boy.

Where are we going?

Oh, HK.

Nice.

Hope you don't run into Hong Kong pirate.

That's a trailer for the movie, Callback with Jason Statham.

It's a stall caller.

Something like it from SNL.

How does Jason Statham not have a podcast?

That would be the number one celebrity podcast.

That would immediately be.

Statham puts together Ikea Finiture.

It's a frustrating podcast.

You're listening to what the fuck with Jason Statham.

I listen.

I just go to the newspaper and go, what the fuck is that?

Oh, hey, look, Donald Trump ahead again.

What the fuck is that?

Speaking of Donald Trump and British guys, I saw Jeff Leach at Stand Up New York the other night.

And he was doing a bit, and his rings fell off.

More or less.

Did he disappear?

No, no, no.

It was quite funny that he just waved his hands.

Yeah, he waved his

hand and all of the rings came off and then went into the

what's your policy on accessories for comedians?

It's harsh anti-it's it's yeah, it's it counts as a prop.

Yeah, and a prop that you don't have.

Do you have a leather band on your wrist?

You gotta go, buddy.

I'm gonna gun for you to chop your arm off.

You should have machetes.

Trial law.

Yeah.

My friend Ruby was telling this story one time.

She was like, Yeah, when I started comedy, I would always have to have my sunglasses on my head because I wanted to be like, That's the girl with the sunglasses on her head comic.

And I was like, That doesn't make any sense.

That's how that works.

This is it.

You're not a smurf.

You're a fucking

tertiary smurf.

You're a fucking sunglass smurf.

That's how they notice me.

I'm a sunglass smurf.

Yo, fuck, boys.

I got to get going.

All right.

Yeah, no, normally we do like a break, but that was like, that's enough time.

No, I would think.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got to go do

it.

You got to go do a show I forgot about.

That one went well, I think.

That was a good one.

I came up with Jason Statham's podcast.

That's hilarious.

I feel like that was good.

I don't think we let any of the listeners down.

We also created a better name for Come Town, the Sleepy Boys.

Sleepy Boys.

The Sleepy Boys.

That would be, yeah, the Umwoke crew.

I'm telling you, you could change it now.

You're still in the game.

No, I'm not changing it.

Do you know how much time I spent on that logo?

It looks exactly like come.

If you zoom in on it,

dude, there's a cloudiness to it.

I like design.

There's like four different layers.

Not only is it like embosed, but in different areas, it's lumpier.

This is how Dan.

You know, Dan's a good friend.

He's trying to gently push us to change it.

He's not going to say, don't, he's not going to say straight up, change it.

It's stupid to have a podcast with the word come in it.

He's like, oh, we got a better one.

I think it's smart.

I think it's a smart thing to do.

I don't.

know.

Yeah, but I think you're not going to get people that want to hear this.

You're going to want to hear people talking about come or fuck it.

We're number 25 on the comedy charts.

Two episodes.

I'm not even on the charts.

My album is out, though.

Go to iTunes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, let's plug all of Dan's stuff because Dan's great.

One of the best comics working.

Thanks, absolutely.

Yeah.

At Dan Soder on Twitter and Instagram, and go buy my album, Not Special on iTunes.

Yeah, and check out the new special on Comedy Central or things.

Yeah, I think it's on, like, like when this comes out, you'll be able to download it on iTunes or the Comedy Central app.

Yeah, I mean, I've been like a huge fan of yours since we did that South by

the girls who has a boyfriend and I think she's married.

Oh, the one with a nice juice.

Yeah.

And that's how we end on a come note.

But yeah, thanks for coming, dude.

Thanks for doing it.

So much better than Adam.

Just to reiterate.

All right.

Goodbye, folks.

Thanks, Cumboys.

What do you think, should we put the kids on the floor?

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