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What's up?

What the with the faggots?

Uh, compound for

This is

this American Come.

This American Come.

This is the big one, dude.

I know I said the last one was big, but this one's even bigger than the last one.

Huge.

This is a plus size.

This is an Ashley Graham-size podcast, dude.

This is Two Dope Cums.

Two Dope Cums on Radio Come.

W Come Y Come.

W Come Y C.

W C U M.

Hey, this is.

Okay.

Let's introduce ourselves, Nick.

Yeah, Nick, a.k.a.

the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake.

We got Stav, aka the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, and Adam, of course.

What's up, Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, Adam Friedland?

What's going on?

Yeah, we're the Puerto Rican Rattlesnakes of Comedy.

It's

nice to have Adam back.

Yeah, great.

Yes, it's great to have you back.

Dan, thanks, guys.

Yeah, it feels great to be.

It was cool having a guest, but Dan really kind of stunk.

Yeah, Dan isn't as good as you, buddy.

Yeah.

That's how we feel for you.

Yeah, we were were like saying,

what's that?

Can I be real for a second on the podcast?

Of course.

This is a 100% reality.

You know that we're like joking around.

All right, you guys, I think poo-pooed on me a little bit on that last episode.

No, we didn't.

What are you talking about?

Dude, I got texts from people.

They were like, first of all, you lied to us about being the host of Comtown.

Second of all,

your boys are roasting you, dude.

Dude, you guys were flat hand Brandon Wardell roasting me on the pod, and I wasn't even on it.

That's not true.

That's not true.

I wasn't even audited to defend myself.

i don't know who told you that but there are lying that name names dude

i mean they're friends of mine people that listen to the podcast they're lying dude we didn't say a negative word about you we're glad that you're back dude it's on okay first of all it's a podcast it's recorded you can check it like you can like look it up what did we say then bitch yeah we didn't say anything you said that i ruined the podcast and that i'd never be on it again never maybe in private conversation i've like maybe offered constructive criticism about your behavior look you never gave me constructive criticism you said you've shit on me when I wasn't on no I've said a couple of times.

Look, you need to understand that when you come in here to the Anthony Cumia studios at the top of the Empire State Building, this is the eagle's nest of podcasting.

Okay?

The stakes are high.

Don't put this Pete, like, make me out to be a PC pussy ass bitch.

Don't make this all about your political bullshit where you mad.

No, no, that's not.

This is an alpha male podcast.

This is about

friends that started comedy together, that are trying to fucking do a podcast together and not shitting on each other.

They're shitting on everyone else.

We didn't shit on you.

Okay.

Nobody relaxed.

Nobody shit on you.

I'm hot.

I'm hot right now.

And it's not, I just, I would expect you're about to get banned.

I can't, yeah, I can't believe you would even do this.

Don't ban.

Don't accuse me of these things.

Don't get Dan backed.

Especially Dan.

Considering I bought all this shit.

Everyone knows I'm the gear guy of the crew.

I'm the one that makes all this shit happen.

And you're going to say that I did something to sully our friendship.

Dude, I had a goal.

When I went to BNH Photo and I had had to deal with those that you know who read you that place.

You know who owns that.

I know who the fuck owns that place.

Just continue that sentence.

I don't like that.

Continue that sentence.

Well, I'm not going to do that.

What kind of person?

I'm not dealing with you.

Just saying what kind of person you want.

If you don't like the way the pod, I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

No, I'm going.

Come on.

I'm done.

Don't be a.

I'm leaving.

I'm just talking out.

I'm not part of a podcast.

We're going to be accused of being so.

Dude, this is why we got a pat.

This is why we got a pod.

Because if we have beef, you work it out on the pod.

No, if you have beef, you work it out on the pod.

Adam, shut up, dude.

Come on, dude.

That's what pods are for.

They're for working out beef, dude.

Dude, this sucks.

If you got beef, you bring it to the pod.

This isn't married.

Dude, Nick is a bitch, dude.

He just left his podcast equipment here.

Look, we have to do this.

We have to finish this podcast.

We take over.

I am now the host of Come Town.

Dude, tell him to come back.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Alright?

I'm the host now.

All right.

All right.

All right.

I'm the host of Come Town, everyone.

Hello.

Welcome to Come Town.

It's now a Nick Mullen-less podcast.

Because he's a

Nick.

Adam.

Okay, sorry.

You know what?

This isn't going to work.

This isn't going to work with two people.

I can't do it with you, man.

I just don't think you have.

Dude, we're better off without Nick.

Let's be honest.

Let's just open the door, okay, to the Anthony Cumius Studios.

If you want Nick, just open the door, and whoever's hanging out, we'll let them be our third co-dude.

If you want Nick, you can.

All right, hang on.

It's marrying Nick Mullen.

Diarrhea, diaper, diaper, rash, diarrhea.

My diaper has autism.

All right, save it.

I'm Nick Mullen.

You need a third.

I'm not going to have you roast my good friend Nick.

All right.

I would never.

Excuse me.

It's just a Jew.

Oh, my

God.

Oh, my.

Look who we have here.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

hey, Seth.

Seth Dickfield.

Oh, hey, hello, boys.

How are you?

Oh, you have a seat.

This is a great time of the year.

Because actually, Nick, who you know, you know, Nick.

Oh, I hate that guy.

Well, you know,

he's not here, he's my good friend.

I won't have you sully his name, but he actually just left, and we're looking for a third co-host.

And it looks like you're the third co-host of of Company.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I did.

Despite it.

It's actually pretty amazing how every time Seth Dickfield is here, it's like a Peter Parker kind of Spider-Man.

I don't even know where you're getting at at all.

I don't know.

Okay.

That's crazy.

Well, I'm here now, and I tell you what, I love podcasts.

That's great.

I love it.

I love the action.

I love talking into the microphone.

Shoot.

Shoot.

I'm all yours.

It's good to have someone.

Like, I am.

Okay, I don't want to talk shit on Nick while he's not here.

Like, he talked shit on me last week.

Don't talk shit about my friend.

Go ahead.

It's just his politics get kind of exhausting.

Oh, I'm so mad at this PC.

I'm so mad at this.

You know, that's the worst part about him.

I'm not sure what I'm saying.

That's what I like about Seth Dick for you.

You know, when I hear PC, what I think in my mind is not politically correct, but pretty cool.

That's how I think.

Yeah, I'm proud to be PC.

A pretty cool guy.

Yeah.

So last time you were here, you were talking about Lady Ghostbusters.

Oh, I saw it.

I got it on Torrent, but I donated money to Rain,

the ticket price for the movie.

So, women that are raped will get the money for the Lady Ghostbusters, which I illegally downloaded to watch at my girlfriend's apartment.

And

it was great.

I mean, I only watched the first five minutes, and then I had to.

Is it true that

they vacuum them up into their pussies?

Is that how they vacuum the ghostbusters?

That's 100% true.

That's exactly how the movie goes.

It's good.

It's natural.

You know.

You know, and what I was more afraid of than the ghosts while watching the movie was the men in the film.

Oh, yeah.

Because, you know, what is a ghost going to do?

You know, maybe scare you a little bit.

A man.

He's going to do the wage gap.

He's going to do the wage gap at you.

He's not going to pay you as much money.

That is true.

And I just don't think that's fair.

I heard, it is kind of messed up that the four female protagonists of the new Ghostbusters earned the least amount of money out of any actors on that film.

That's true.

And the original Ghostbusters were around in the 80s.

And so even adjusting for inflation, they made way more money.

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

And the female Ghostbusters had to do so much more work considering the increase of ghosts in New York since 9-11.

Seth, could you actually, like, you know, I...

I don't know if this is cool or not for a podcast, but could you give us a couple good bits

from the Ghostbusters movie, like a couple lines that you remember?

The girl Ghostbusters movie?

No, I actually don't remember any of the lines from the movie.

I put the film on and then I looked in the mirror and I pat myself on the back for the next two hours, and I kept saying, Good for you!

Good for you, Seth.

Don't let those bad guys on Reddit tell you what you can or cannot enjoy.

Are you looking forward to anything?

It sounded like you asked for this with the Juno Diaz reading.

Oh, by the way, Seth, do you want snacks or something?

Yeah, we have actually

chocolate.

Oh, these M ⁇ Ms?

Oh, these are M ⁇ Ms?

Yeah, they're regular M ⁇ Ms, right?

Oh, these are peanut M ⁇ Ms?

No, they're regular M ⁇ Ms.

No, they're not.

Oh, yeah, I had some earlier.

I can't have peanuts.

Oh, wait.

Wait.

These are definitely peanut M ⁇ Ms.

Oh, no, you don't.

No, no.

I'm allergic to literally everything.

Oh, geez.

Are you feeling that?

I don't feel so good.

I have to go get help.

I'm going to go look for help.

Someone has to stay here with me.

I'll stay here with you, but like,

do you have like an EpiPen or do you have like a penny?

I don't have anything.

I just need people to tell me I'm a victim until I feel better.

Please console me.

Please, someone tell me how much of a victim I am.

No, I mean, if you're allergic to peanuts, we need to get like a certain amount of people.

I feel my throat's closing up.

I feel.

Do you have

any persecuted?

I feel, oh, yes, it's in my wallet here.

Call my, oh, I hate him so much, but please call my cousin.

Baltimore comedian Ralph Horowski.

Okay, I'm calling him right now.

Bring, bring.

Yo.

Yo.

Yo, Ralph, this is.

What the fuck is this shit, yo?

Ralph, yo, why y'all fucking wake me up?

Wow, Ralph, how you just showed up here?

That's amazing.

Yo, I was just in the other room taking this shit, yo.

Anthony Kumiya is my idol, yo.

I love the way he be treating them blacks on Twitter, yo.

He's got a real way about himself.

Okay, so let's clear things up right now.

What the hell are y'all up to, yo?

I just had a peanut and I think I'm dying.

Oh my god, about fucking Tom.

Ralph, you are a Baltimore comedian.

Yeah.

And you're also cousins with Seth?

Yeah,

Seth Dickfield is my Jew cousin.

Well, we call him that.

He ain't no Jew actually bloodline-wise, but we don't trust him because he wears glasses and he'd be doing, he'd be eating bagels sometimes.

He's just a Jew as style.

He does it as style.

Yeah, and honestly, that's even worse the way I look at it, yeah?

To choose that type of lifestyle.

I can't, you know, my outrage has cured me of my peanut allergy.

I can't believe you're saying these things.

Seth, you're back.

You're back.

I'm back.

I'm off the ropes, and I've had enough of this bullying

from my ethnic white cousin.

So, Ralph, do you find yourself in this sort of a similar political bent to say?

First of all, yo, I don't be doing no politics, yo.

I'm a moderate, yo.

I'm on both sides.

I see the good on both sides.

You know what I mean?

Like, I say, honestly, yo, you want to get abortions, yo?

Do that, because who's trying to wear connoisseurs?

I ain't trying to wear no connolls.

So you get the abortions going, but you trying to be president after you had an abortion?

No, thank you, yo.

You cannot be doing that shit.

Yo, get them shits, but you can't be holding public office after you got abortion, after you fucking killed a beautiful ass baby, yo.

That baby could have played third base for the fucking Orioles, yo.

Sports should be illegal.

Second race.

Oh, my God.

Pick it up.

Never.

The A's.

A's.

Ravens.

Ray Rice was framed.

My other cousin worked at that elevator, and he ain't seen none of that shit go down, yo.

Y'all ain't see the the real tapes, yo.

There should be a statue of every one of Ray Rice's victims.

Sports should be illegal except for lady soccer.

Shut up, yo.

Wow.

I'm being victimized.

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

You know, every time Seth be talking, we were growing up, we would just molest him, you know?

Shut up.

Ralph.

Ralph.

Ralph.

Yeah.

What?

All right.

I'm about to molest you, yo.

I like the way you keep looking at me.

I'm the only host left of Cometown right now, and I feel like a responsibility.

Is there some some reason you need to go for

responsibility?

Nobody likes the word come anyways.

It was a bad podcast.

We're doing a new podcast.

For real, comedian.

Oh, wait a second.

Is this am I on this podcast, yo?

Yeah,

on this podcast.

Oh, my bad, yo.

What y'all need me to do, yo?

Okay, so, Ralph, I'm just

respect your cousin, even if

he is.

Fuck me,

screw you, pal.

even if he is doing whatever the blackface is of jews right now and that's incredibly offensive

blackface okay first of all that's history yo how are you gonna take history out the history books okay you've never read a book in your life books is given

books i hang out at the library and i meet people

first of all i've read have you checked my facebook i read the giver thank you very much yo y'all see that shit yo the apple

in one scene, yo, the apple was black and white, but then it turned red, yo.

Yeah, I only read the first three chapters, but that shit is fucked up.

Yo, that's a metaphor, yo.

I'll just learn what that word means.

You don't even know what a metaphor is.

Yeah, it is.

It's a truck hit guy.

Ralph is an imbecile.

He's a grade A imbecile.

Why is he your emergency contact?

And why did he show up immediately after you?

I was trying to.

I was

a very fast car.

He was in the studios.

I have a very fast car.

Yo, that shit ain't street legal.

I got six lawnmower engines in there on top of my four Turbo Taurus, yo.

That's a special kind of Taurus.

You got a TurboDat Taurus.

I got a TurboDat Taurus, yo.

I got some

smaller.

Where do I work?

Yeah, yeah.

I work out the Sherwin-Williams-out Glen Bernie.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, y'all need any kind of type of paint.

Y'all tell me, yo.

I like the Sherwin-Williams logo.

Yeah, cover the Earth.

Cover the Earth with paint.

Hell yeah, yo.

That could be the new Comptown logo, yo.

Cover the Earth with Jizz.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yo, I took a couple branding and marketing classes over at SS Immunity College, and um, it's got to be strong.

Your branding got to be strong, yeah.

That's my take on it.

Wow, I didn't, you know, Ralph, I'm really glad you can give us these kind of pointers.

I just wish that Sav and Nick were here.

Did you just fucking look at me, yeah?

I don't know.

I'm looking at you right now.

Yo, shit, and that's fuck up.

I'm a grown man.

I am.

You ain't no grown man.

I am 47 years old.

Okay, and you will not speak to me like this.

I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of being aware.

That's why our uncle sucked your dick the most.

I don't remember that.

I choose not to.

I just don't know.

You should remember that shit, yeah?

He would take us to the suffering zone.

So you're saying that.

And whoever couldn't do the obstacle, whoever did the obstacle course the slowest got molested.

That's how you train champions.

That's how you break champions at this fucking ass.

Are you telling me?

Okay, guys, here's my question.

Okay, Rain is a little bit of a business.

Ralph,

you're implying that your cousin was molested into behaving Jewish.

Hey, yeah, everybody knows that's how Judaism started, yo.

Well,

I wouldn't disagree with that.

I just don't like the presentation of the facts.

I wouldn't say that's incorrect, but you know,

maybe I chose not to do the obstacle course that fast.

Oh, yeah.

That's the other thing, yo.

In the back of the head, everybody knew he liked that shit, yo.

We would all get together.

Or is there something wrong with that?

Guys, I know that shit.

There's just something wrong with that.

I know the least homophobic terms possible.

I know we're loosey-goosey here on Clumtown, but Ralph, I think you're really heading into dangerous territory.

I'm just spitting my facts here.

First of all,

history ain't dangerous territory.

Historically, this is what happened to Seth.

He would get molested after the suffering zone because he couldn't do the obstacle course, and we would all sit in the back of the room pretending to be watching Martin reruns, but really, we was listening to him like getting molested and calling him gay.

That's it.

That's history, yo.

That ain't nothing that's wrong, yo.

Open your eyes.

Thank you.

Anyway, what was she saying?

All right, well, Seth, I'm really sorry to hear about the constant abuse that you had to face growing up.

That's a

really good thing.

First of all, he ain't grow up with us.

That was just during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Oh, yeah, Seth, where did you grow up?

I grew up in Louisiana.

Oh, that's where you hear your classic Louisiana accent.

This is a classic Louisiana accent.

Everyone in Louisiana sounds like this.

You just sound like, geez, like a real Creole.

Yes, it's just like, you know, Aunt Jemima speaks this way, Uncle Ben speaks this way.

Here's a question.

Here's a question, okay?

Because you're from Louisiana, do you have more of a French perspective on things?

Is that like a.

I would say so.

I like wearing tight-fitted shirts and eating bread that looks like a penis.

Yeah, I don't think I've got to do it.

Yeah, pause, yeah.

Pause, yeah.

You should have to.

Pause, yeah.

Mom ain't gay still.

I thought you were about to grow out that shit, but I should have known better.

First of all, I love women.

Both sexually and politically.

Yo, I bet you've gone down on a woman before.

Of course I have a segue.

That's how you have sex.

Yo, I ain't never.

You said you love women, but you're decidedly anti-Hillary Clinton.

If you love women, why don't you support the woman that you have?

I want Bernie, but I would have sex with Hillary Clinton.

I think Hillary is a beautiful woman, and I would enjoy a body

in a way that would result in both of us experiencing a simultaneous orgasm.

But, Seth, yo, that shit grosses.

You should divulge to us that you have to be aware of that.

Yo, that bitch doo-doo, yeah.

Fuck her.

You've had

misogynistic.

Yo, that bitch got hair like my uncle Donald.

And you know what?

I donated all of my foreskin to trans people so that they could create new genitals.

What the fuck did you just say?

Donald, what a shitty name.

You ever think of that Donald?

Yo, don't talk that way about my uncle, yo.

Alright, sorry.

It's just a bad name.

I would never insult anybody's name, especially ugly.

I think she's scoring.

Alright, first of all, let's be a little bit more respectful to women and our other guests.

Ralph, listen.

What?

We do that.

You're making me mad, yo.

I understand that Seth is probably one of the most annoying human beings that I've ever met in my entire life.

Yeah, he was.

But

we gotta respect other opinions and perspectives here on Come top that's the thing that i got upset about listening to the last podcast where nick and savv uh did it with uh famous comedian uh dan uh soder without they got soder yeah instead of you they got guys good yeah they got soder that got funny as hell okay but like he's a lot better than your dumbass yeah you know what i like the thing is that they did his brown nosing is when people do that is they suck up

yeah he much better yo they should do that all the time dude anyway what were you saying i'm just saying that like, they did the Asian voices and South Asian voices.

Oh, hell yeah.

I don't know if that's.

Yo, I love

that.

I think that's despicable.

You should never do a voice of any kind of race or gender that doesn't belong to you.

And you don't belong to that.

Exactly.

I agree with that, too.

You should never make a man a caricature.

You should never do that, ever.

Unless we're in agreement.

It's one of those tasteful ones that you get on Times Square where they make you look like a ballerina, but your head is very big.

Yeah, ballerina, huh?

I wonder why my man like that shit.

My man like wearing two dudes.

No, it's a very athletically demanding sport.

Have you ever seen the calves of a male ballerina?

Talk.

Yo, ballet, everybody knows ballet is just gay stuff.

It's the shit gay people watch to get in the mood to have sex with each other, yo.

That's how it started, yo.

The prince of fucking Russia.

Couldn't get hard, so he looked at men jumping up and down.

Y'all think I don't know my history, mama.

I don't know my fucking history, yo.

Dude, but I think.

What are you saying, though, Adam?

Listen, I just think that, like, you can make jokes and you can make comedy without having to do belittling stereotypes of

different races.

I mean, I think we can.

There are a lot of very funny comedians out there.

First of all, there's truth to stereotypes, okay?

Bill Mayer,

John Mayer.

You know, these are guys that are really doing it without

punching down.

You know, they're punching

all about

you.

Y'all ever get in a fight with me?

Y'all only hear like fucking 10 hits.

You only punch down.

You only hear 10 hits.

I hit you, you hit the floor.

Me and my boys hit you eight more times while you're locked unconscious.

That's what you hear, my man.

So I know a little bit about punching down.

Anyway, yo, this is just fucking boring, yeah.

What the fuck?

Y'all got any fucking chicken bosses out here, yeah?

I don't have any chicken bosses.

I do have chicken bosses.

Chicken box.

Bosses.

B-o-x-e-s, bitch.

Bosses.

Bosses.

You know what chicken box is?

It's like a boss of chicken.

Yo, I can't be around this motherfucker.

Yo, there's too many Jews here, yo.

You're Jewish, ain't you?

I am.

Seth is not.

And it's...

He might as fucking want to.

Seth, I just want to talk to you about.

I'm not Jewish.

I don't know why everyone thinks I'm a Jewish person.

What you're doing.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

I would give my last nickel if I never had to.

Well, maybe not that far, but I would consider it if I could never have to put up with that kind of.

I think the Anthony Cumier show is coming back.

They're about to make a retarded guy get a boner.

I gotta go watch it.

I'm late for my ninth therapy session today, so I have to leave anyways.

Yeah, fuck you, man.

This shit sucks.

I'm grateful that you got my emergency contact here, but I am so displeased with having to be confronted with my awful cousin.

Most of my family I don't get along with, but him the least, and his molestation.

What about my dad who molested you, yo?

Well, I'm not going to say I'm glad he's dead, but you know, it is at least a physical relief that I don't have to deal with him anymore.

Well, anyway, yo, I gotta get the hell up out of here, yo.

I ain't been, I ain't gonna be.

Y'all will never hear me on this podcast again.

I can promise actually.

Probably me not either.

I don't think.

Ralph, I'm coming back.

Seth Dickfield, man.

I'm leaving, yo.

Fuck you.

Seth Dickfield, Ralph.

Thank you so much for being with us.

Ravens!

Ravens number one!

All right.

I guess it's just me in the studio right now.

I just want to thank you guys for

listening.

I'm just going to take it to break, I guess, and see if I can get Nick and Stav back.

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Alright, we are back from break.

Guys, Nick and stuff have agreed to return.

Hey, guys, we're back.

Sorry, guys.

I got a little heated.

I got a little upset.

It got really weird here while you were away, and I'm just...

Oh, yeah.

Is Seth okay?

Dude, yes.

Oh, Seth was here?

Seth initially.

And who were you telling me came?

This guy from Maryland, Carl?

Or Ralph?

Carl's Ralph, yeah.

Ralph.

Yeah, he...

Ralph or Ralph.

He was a disgusting person.

Hey, well, that's my culture, man.

And Seth and him are cousins, from what I understand.

That's so weird.

Yeah, that's crazy.

That's kind of convoluted, wouldn't you say?

Is that a stretch?

Yeah, it doesn't really make sense.

It's weird that they both be here at the same time, considering they live

so far apart.

But, man, it's good to be back.

I need you, and I need you, and

I don't want to do this apart again.

And I'm sorry for like being being a bitch dude

that's okay as long as you understand like we didn't say anything negative about you on the podcast it's like you said and we never

that's not true

but you know we accept your apology we accept it I calmed down I went outside me and stop you know we saw this we were out there this kid with uh Down syndrome walked by and I said just always make

I couldn't stop yeah for how proud of him I was not like in a mocking way

it felt so good for him that I calmed down And the whole town told him he was Batman, right?

Yeah, we all pretended he was Batman.

I went up to him and I was like, you're Batman.

And he was like, no, I just pushed the carts here.

It's good to be back.

Yeah, let's catch up.

People are going to think we're setting up another bit.

We don't do any bits.

We don't do

bits.

People, I guess, have commented on that.

They're like, you know, we love the characters, but there's no...

None of us, I don't think any of us do characters.

We were working on a couple.

Yeah.

Yeah, we were thinking about like how.

Let's do the French ones.

Let's do the French one.

Yeah, we came up with this character.

He's like, so he's a French guy.

He's French.

Yeah, yeah.

So he's from.

Hello.

I am from France.

Hello, I am from France too, and I am gay with him.

We are gay together.

I am gay, and we are French, and we are here.

And this is my boyfriend.

And we kiss each other, other, and we have one of those bicycles that is like a double bicycle, but we use the same seat anyways because it is more gay.

Yes,

my boyfriend is fucking me in the house while we are riding on the bicycle

with my penis.

But yeah, that's the character.

So we're working on the channel.

That's the character that we were working on.

That's pretty good.

I thought that went well.

Yeah, It was better in dress rehearsal, maybe, but I think that it went okay for a while.

Yeah, we spent the last fucking week and a half trying to figure out, you know.

Trying to make this podcast a lot.

So

what about the 420 one?

421.

What 421?

You know, the...

Look, here's the thing I know.

420 isn't a joke to me.

You know, I take that shit seriously, dude.

Absolutely.

Okay.

It's 420 somewhere.

Because, you know what?

It's still a fucking crime.

You know?

And that's true.

People like us are persecuted every day in states.

Like, luckily, it's legal here in New York.

So,

we can get we can get fucking 420 ripped up out on the streets whenever we want.

It's legal for white people, and pretty soon it's going to be illegal for black people.

Well, I don't care about that.

I mean, the first one, yes.

It's true, man.

Everyone worry about yourself.

You know, that's the thing is that you can't put, you can't put, men can't put their laws on a plant.

Yeah, especially not for other white guys.

Thank you.

On a plant.

Okay.

Thank you.

I think we're all in agreement here

about weed and gay Frenchmen.

Do you guys want to smoke weed real quick?

I would love to smoke weed, dude.

Always.

I'm smoking weed.

Oh, this is good, dude.

This is dank-ass weed, bro.

Oh, that's good.

Get that binger out there.

Dank ass fucking weed.

Get that binger, dude.

Get that binger popping.

Hell yeah, bro.

Oh, dude, you see the...

damn Nick, stop hitting that shit, dude.

Dude, look at that binger, you rip.

Nick, stop hitting that shit.

Dude, one time Nick hit a binger for a while.

Hold on.

I'm not even lying to you.

No, I'm going to do the joint on top of it.

Oh, dude, you're savage.

Dude, Nick is so savage, you just hit a binger

and then hit a J without even blowing it out, bro.

Wow.

Great start to the second half.

That's a good session, dude.

I think we had a good smoke out just now.

Good start to the second half.

We had a good smoke out.

We had a good session.

I think that's what's important.

You know, man, the thing about podcasts is you just do them.

You just do them, man.

That's how you build a listenership: you do them.

You get good gets, you know?

Hot gets.

I asked my friend the other night what he liked about the podcast, and he said he liked the fact that we didn't

try at all.

Yeah, I asked myself, and I thought, what do I like about the podcast?

And because

I've been considering actually listening to it after we record it, and then I thought, nah, that's stupid.

No,

but good news: I got a friend from Russia.

We're going to hack Mark Marin's email and get all of his guests the week before they do.

What the fuck?

That's nice.

So, we got Chuck Mangioni coming on next week.

He's going to talk about his French horn, aka the gay trumpet.

That is a gay ass trumpet.

I am from France.

I am a.

Hey, the gay trumpet.

I love sex with men with a human.

We play the horn with our penises.

We put it in the horn.

All right.

No, I guess here's the thing we can talk about.

Let's hear it.

So I worked a job last week.

Can't really talk about it.

What kind of job?

I can't talk about it.

I did some work.

Yeah,

let's say I did a little thing where I had to wear a costume.

He's in Oceans 14.

I'm in Oceans 14.

I'm in Oceans 9-11.

It's the movie where George Clooney and Matt Damon have to blow up the World Trade Center.

Oceans 9-11.

Did we just do that?

That's great.

That's

wow, dude.

Also, also, National.

Yo, bleep that out of the podcast because that's an ace bit that we got.

You know what?

That joke almost makes me want to get even higher, dude.

Oh, yeah, there's an ocean.

Cottonmouth Kings, baby.

That's my brand.

Yeah, mine too.

Anyway, you're saying, yeah, I'm working this job, and

I want to talk about.

I've maybe mentioned it to a couple of people, but you guys, are you familiar with black nerds?

Oh, because

a lot of people don't know that they think black nerd.

They're like, oh, you mean Urkel?

And it's like, no, Steve Urkel was a black guy playing a white nerd.

That wasn't actually a black nerd.

There's no black nerd that's actually like that.

Urkel was a blackface.

Steve Urkel was a black guy playing a white nerd.

And then a real black nerd is more like Stefan.

Yeah,

is what Jalil White thought was cool.

He's like, I'm actually the cool Urkel.

I like Street Fighter and Dragon Ball Z.

I don't wear glasses.

I got contact.

Check out my leather jacket that I wear in the middle of the summer.

That's like a black nerd.

No, black nerds.

Dude, that's an annoying thing.

Black nerds are like katana-type

kids.

They love Asia.

They're all ghost dog way of the samurai.

They love.

There was a kid, DBZ.

They love Avatar Last Airbender.

There was a kid in my.

Naruto.

Baltimore Polytechnic Institute, baby.

Fucking Engineers, bitch.

The Polycrackers.

Baltimore Polyamorous High School.

Baltimore Poly.

We all just fucking fucked each other.

It was a lot of fluid bonding.

There was a kid who, when he got mad at the teachers, would pretend he was going Super Saiyan.

He would just.

He would be

like, was like, all right, all right, Jim, get the fuck out of here, man.

And there was also another black nerd who, uh, he was very gay.

He was a black theater nerd, actually.

Those are the best.

I have also knew Karate.

Close friend in high school that was a black gay theater nerd.

Black gay theater nerd knew karate.

This is, you know, Baltimore.

And he would just, like, people tried to bully him for being gay.

And he fucked one time.

He straight up roundhouse kicked like a thug kid in the hallway.

It was fun.

And then just did like a Z-snap.

It was fucking incredible.

And he was notorious for blowing like straight kids in the fucking upstairs.

He was the equipment manager, so he had the keys to the closet.

And he would just blow kids.

Well, that was the guy I worked with.

He was like a black nerd.

Incredibly jacked.

I had to like change with him.

They're like, all the guys change over here, and everybody else is in shape.

I'm like, can I just change with the women?

Is there any shitty body room?

But he's, oh, yeah.

He's jacked.

He's wearing a wife beater that looks like a Gold's Gym wife beater, but it says Goku's Gym.

It's got like a drawing of Goku in the middle where the guy would be lifting winds and at one point he goes he looks at me and the other girl and he goes have either of you ever had the pleasure of watching Avatar the Last Terra Bennett

Fuck yeah dude yeah but no he would have definitely fucked me up if I even you know remotely laughed at any of the things he said which were all great right right right whenever Stefan Urkel would enter a scene just going back to that I love how like I imagine that the

Family Matters, like, audit, they had, like, different signs for the audience, like, laugh.

And, like, whenever Stefan came out, they put the come sign up,

and everyone would just be like, ah!

Why was he so hot?

Like, he'd enter a scene, and people would be like, hey, baby.

That was just Jalil White being like, yeah, he was

cozy.

Yeah, he was so tired of being a fucking nerd.

Brandon Wardell is going to do that at some point.

He's going to demand that his agents let him play a character that's not a.

He's going to demand a place to be.

My shit is popping, dude.

It's time for me to go black.

I feel like Brandon's sort of doing that already, trying to make his brand about it.

He's doing digital blackfins.

Huh?

He's doing digital blackfins.

What's going to happen to him when he finally ages out of that?

Maybe he doesn't.

He doesn't.

That's true.

Maybe he doesn't.

Maybe he's just staying.

He's half Filipino.

He's got

good genes age-wise.

I think he might be okay.

No,

intellectually, he ages out of it.

Oh, no, he'll never intellectually age out of it.

Yeah, maybe not.

Who knows?

No, he might.

Who knows?

Who cares?

Fuck Brandon.

Dude, Brandon actually is here, right?

Oh, is he?

Yeah, yeah.

Where?

You want to go get him?

You want to go actually get him?

Let's go get Brandon, dude.

Make sure, just have him, like, tell him that we don't do characters on this podcast.

So just have Brandon just come as himself.

Yeah.

Any bullshit, half-thought-out characters.

Yeah.

Oh, here he is.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, guys.

Hi.

Okay,

so this is.

Hey, Brandon.

It's us, your friend.

Brandon Wardell.

So I was, because we're boys, I was just wanted to work out new bits that I do.

Oh, okay.

Well, this is, you know, it's kind of a conversational podcast.

Sweet, dude.

Yeah, and remember, this isn't vine, so you have more than six seconds to do your jokes that you saw from my.

No, no, no.

That won't be necessary, my dear man.

Okay.

All right.

And here's the first bit.

Here's the first bit.

Go ahead, Brandon.

So,

so, Drake, so Drake was.

Please, here's my first bit.

So, Drake was,

took, uh, Drake had a Pokemon, and I said, what kind of Pokemon is that, Drake?

And he said, it's a, it's a charbander.

And I said, Drake,

you're Savage AF Bridge.

You're Savage AF Bridge.

You've got zero chill, baby.

All right.

Hell yeah.

Can I I try out another judge?

Now I know why you're famous.

Can I try it another job?

Go ahead, Brandon.

Let's hear it, Brandon.

So,

Justin Bieber was Justin Bieber is in the news.

Again.

Before you even do it, go ahead.

And doesn't even sound like Brandon.

Jack,

Jack comes in and you say, Justin Bieber, is this your Pokebot?

Or is this my Pokebot?

You sound like Miss Swan.

Brandon?

Brandon's mom is Miss Swan, I'm pretty sure.

His dad's a G.I.

and his mom.

I don't know his parents.

I won't stand for it.

We can talk about shit on Brandon, but not the Wardells.

They are lovely people.

You've met his parents.

Yeah, no, they're great.

Why?

Did you go to his bar mitzvah?

Yeah, I went to his baritara.

Last year, his bar mitzvah last year.

I believe I'm

still in the room, right?

I'm sorry, Brandon.

You're still here.

Hey, buddy, get out of here, man.

I like that Brandon is just Emo Phillips.

Yeah, who the fuck was he with that moment?

Drake the other day.

And Drake was lit.

Brandon was just like the guy from

the B52s.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll run it.

Anyway.

The Snapchat is a little

place where we can rip off black Twitter jokes.

He's going to hear this and get mad for sure.

Yeah.

We can have him on and we'll squash the beef.

Yeah, yeah, we'll do that.

That's the point of podcasts.

You start the beef and then you bring him on the pod and you squash the beef, dude.

That's what pods are all about, baby.

You know, I agree with that now.

And I think we've come full circle.

Because initially, I disagreed with that idea that they were for beef squashing.

But now

I think I agree with it.

And I no longer think the podcasts are about

being funny or really having anything to say.

I'm sure, you know,

having conversations that aren't just sort of cyclical and making fun of the same people

over and over again.

I got 65 new Twitter followers.

I am drunk on power.

And let's keep it going with this podcast.

I think it's going to be great.

Right now, I think what would be the best, what the people demand, is if we play a clip show of all the best moments.

We should do the next one with the last three episodes.

Last three episodes.

I got some of the hits right here.

I got some tweets about some people's favorite parts of our episode.

Can we stop doing this?

This is pathetic.

Yeah.

This is the fourth one, and

we're talking about it as if

it's fucking anything.

I don't know.

I just ate a lot of bread, so I'm kind of like,

I'm kind of sleepy.

I want to tell Come Nation, Come Town, just to keep listening, because we have tons of topics, issues, discussions, and other things that are going to be coming up in the next 55 episodes of Come Town.

I'd love to talk about, you know, how's everybody doing fuck-wise?

It is Come town.

Is everybody fucking?

We already did that last week.

None of us said fuck.

There's no.

Oh, Adam's not girlfriend is here.

We'll just give her a microphone and she'll.

Michelle, do you want to come on?

She's been sitting here in the background the entire time.

Someone thinks we're about to do another one.

She was trying to watch porn.

Yeah, no, because now we can't introduce anybody.

This is falling apart.

Everyone's going to think it's a character.

This is fun, though.

So you don't want to.

Michelle, just come on the pod real quick.

You have to come on the podcast because we've got to fill 10 more minutes and we need need something.

Here, you take my microphone.

So, guys, this is my FWB Michelle.

Please don't use my real name.

That's not her real name.

Her real name.

Her real name is.

Well,

we won't say what her real name is.

So, we understand that you don't want to date Adam.

Is that true?

Not at this moment.

Sorry, I shouldn't answer for the lady.

Yeah, I don't think so.

That's good.

No, no, tell us why.

I'd love this.

This is great.

Oh, let's hear why.

No, I understand.

Adam is kind of a piece of shit.

Kind of annoying.

He's kind of annoying, sure.

What about him?

I don't know.

It just

doesn't feel like something we should do.

But it's cool to like sm fuck every once in a while.

Yeah, sex is great.

Yeah, is he good to fucking?

I'll give him a second.

Is good

he's

happy

he's i think he's okay he's okay like that's what a cushion is feeling is he plus i'm in i'm enthusiastic i don't think i'm good at it i just think i'm past it so he's like uh but he likes to cuddle afterwards he's a big cuddler i could tell that about him yeah i am too i feel like we're in the same zone where it's like i'm gonna try my hardest but that doesn't mean anything's gonna happen you know what i mean it doesn't mean it's gonna be a great turnout

yeah do you know what i mean yeah yeah i know what you mean.

But that's what I found that.

So if Adam was better at fucking, would you want to be with him?

Be honest.

Grab a mic here, Nick.

Take Adam's mic.

Fuck Adam.

No, I think.

If I had like an undeniable dick.

I mean, maybe the sex is good, so I don't want to date.

Oh, interesting.

But no, no, no.

Don't give us that bullshit answer to make Adam feel better.

But if he was like...

So you're saying he fucks at about a 7 7 out of 10 right now,

right?

Yeah, 6 to 7.

6 to 7.

6 to 7.

She bumped you down.

6 to 8.

I mean, 6 to 8.

6 to 8.

On your best day,

you hit an 8.

That could be anything.

B's not bad, dude.

But the 1 to 10 scale.

The 1 to 10 scale for men always translates directly to inches.

For women, it's about the rest.

I don't care about inches.

I don't think that really matters.

Were you gay?

I love inches.

Hey, this is great.

Oh, yeah, I'm back on now, by the way.

This has got to be

this.

But if he was a 10 out of 10, would you be with him?

Would he be

better at fucking, would it like

equal out how annoying he is?

No, I don't think it'll ever equal out.

I think it's just there forever.

I try to tune it out.

That's great.

So, what are you?

Let's find you a man.

What are you looking for?

We've got a podcast listenership of over 45 people, I think.

I don't know.

I guess somebody who doesn't

cook me breakfast.

You want to be treated badly.

This is a major podcast flaw, because the only way podcasts work is if you have a girl, but only when you just tell them to shut up all the time.

Okay, okay.

That's fair.

All the alpha male podcasts.

I've got myself for a second.

You're not on camp.

We don't have another.

Sorry.

We only got three mics.

This is, you know what?

That's 20 minutes.

So, hey, guys, that was the second half.

You gotta.

Look, guys, some podcasts, they know what they're doing.

We're not just kind of like, you know,

you want a good podcast.

We got our friends, sort of a sister podcast, Chapo Trap House.

Yeah, listen to that.

Which everyone who listens to this is just people they told you listen to this.

Yeah, they're very funny guys, but they're also like, you know, if you're into like

fucking knowing who the president is, they're smart, smart guys.

They're not dumb people.

I don't do that.

I'm not like a homework guy.

You know, I'm not sure.

We're not fucking nerds.

Dude, we're not homework nerds.

We don't plan out what we're going to say on the podcast.

Yeah, we just fucking get real and have a good time.

And we fucking, you know what we do?

We give 420.

We give 420.

I just want to also thank my friend with benefits,

Michelle, for being on my own.

Thank you, Michelle.

And I just want to say, you bring a lot of joy to my life.

Even if

you're not my full girlfriend, I don't care because you still make me happy when we're together.

If it makes you happy.

So I'm going to just say that out there to the world and everyone listening.

Is it Cheryl Crow?

I think so.

You know, I was doing the other day:

Are you strong enough to eat my ass?

That was stuck in my head for like six minutes.

That's pretty good.

Thanks.

Thank you for listening to Come Town, guys.

Follow me on Instagram at Stavi Baby, S-T-A-V-V-Y, Baby.

I'm naked as hell, and I think you'll really like it.

I don't have anything else to plug because my career is bad.

But anybody else?

That's fine.

I'll be back on Red Eye on June 9th.

Fox News.

Fox News, 4 a.m.

program.

It's on from 4 to 4.01 a.m.

Only in American Samoa.

In Guam.

Yeah, in in Guam.

But yeah, thanks for listening to the final episode of Come Town.

It's not the final episode and such a lot.

I think this is going to sound good.

It's been a great run.

We've had three great episodes.

Probably the best run of any podcast.

We're going to roll a best of next week.

Yeah.

I think we already made that joke.

Oh, did we?

Yeah, we did.

Next week, we're doing something a little bit different.

It's going to be a little bit more planned out.

We're finally doing my plan of this American Come, where we're going to have a host.

We're going to have three different stories about American cum,

and

we'll see how that goes.

You know, it's actually illegal to transport raw calm across state lines.

Really?

It's got to be pasteurized.

What if it's pasteurized?

You just swish it in your mouth a little bit and spit it out?

Well, you have to swish it fast enough that it heats up, like one of those Vitamix.

Louis Pasteur, dude.

Yeah.

You don't know the song.

There's a French guy that did all these experiments with common issues.

I know a couple French guys.

Oh,

you're forgetting them.

We already did that.

Allow, we were just basically.

No, stop.

Let's end it.

We were ending it.

Yeah, yeah, no, we're ending it.

That's the end of this.

Jesus Christ.

My bad.

What a fucking night has his penis.

All right.

Goodbye, everybody.

Thank you.

Goodbye, everyone.

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