The Adventure Zone Royale: Episode 6

Previously on Taz Royale.

I very recently did Gracon a kindness, which he admitted where I complimented his powers.

You are unconscious and you are through the barrier.

You are not dead.

Grikan has pulled you through.

Okay, I'm gonna trigger one of Hell Grammat's hit die heels as I step back through the door.

Try and get that last key, please.

I'm

sorry, I'm out of actions.

Then Bobby Dazzler and Carmine, and the entire world outside is swallowed up in flames.

I'm not going to be the one who decides who the rest of the people are who failed and perished in this trial.

I'm going to leave that up to you guys.

Welcome back to Taz Royale, everybody.

We have finished up our second trial, the trial of abjuration, and and all three of our brave heroes have survived.

Barely.

Barely.

Barely.

Actually, I did fine.

I had a really good time.

You did great.

You did really good.

You relied a little bit on the kindness of strangers.

And by strangers, I mean your sworn bitter rival, the con.

But you got there by hook or crook, and

everyone has made it into the safety of the Ziggorot.

Do you guys know what they call Taz in France?

What do they call call it, Travis?

Taz Royale.

That's good.

You know what they get if you get a cheeseburger?

Wait, wait, let me do one, Trav.

Do you know what they do?

Do you know what it's called when there's...

Do you know what they call a Taz episode in France that has Travis on it?

What?

What?

A Royale with cheese.

You know what they have?

Shut up.

Oh,

let it breathe, Mac.

Let it breathe and let it open up.

The tannins need a moment.

Mac, let it breathe.

It's a heady one.

That was good.

It's a heady one, man.

You guys let it breathe.

All right, now, Dad, you get yours out of your system.

You know what you do if you're gambling on Taz in France?

What's that, Dad?

You go to Casino Royale.

Cool, cool, cool.

Yours was better, Jeff.

Dad pulled over the car to put his head in a dumpster.

Travis has been silent since Justin issued his.

Yeah, just said, I don't appreciate the cheese.

Stinging rebuke.

I don't know if it was just the last straw.

Whoosh!

So, you all have made it into the ziggurat.

You were the last one in Hell Grammat.

Moments after you entered,

the flames outside the front gate,

just rage and royal, baptizing the world outside in cleansing flame.

And then...

As suddenly as these fires appeared, they vanish without a trace.

And as they pass, you all can see that the

island outside has been completely untouched.

You see the

gardens are untorched.

The rows of cabins in the distance are spotless and new.

The only thing that's different are the people and bodies who were outside moments before Hell Grammar leapt through the gate with the final key.

They are all gone, including.

Are you telling me that the ziggurat is not even smoking uh it is not no uh it because that's bad for you yeah you shouldn't

if you're a ziggurat you shouldn't smoke or vape um

inside the ziggurat 48 sorry hold on dad was that because ziggurat sounds like it sounds like cigarette

yeah but we didn't let it breathe no

that was the problem dad

48 wizards cluster in small groups around this cavernous central chamber of the Ziggurat.

It is a room akin to sort of like a fancy hospital lobby or university commons.

There's potted plants of all shapes and sizes

that adorn several comfortable-looking seating areas.

There's stacks of stone staircases branching off to these eight floors in this MC Escher-esque fashion.

There's crystalline water pouring slowly down these seven silver basins, emerging from the rear wall before splashing into a grand fountain in the center of the chamber.

And there is just a flurry of activity around this room as the trial ends.

Sentient cauldrons filled with luminescent liquids slosh their way throughout the crowd, distributing healing drafts to those who are sporting injuries.

Loraveth, you awaken to a floating spoon lovingly feeding a tonic into your mouth.

And as you choke back to life, you realize that the wound from Helvetica's knife has vanished and you feel just right as rain.

And in the moments after the flames pass, everyone sort of takes a look around this room to determine who survived the second trial of the Conclave.

And that's what we're going to settle right now.

So through playing, we have confirmed nine of the 16 wizards who died in this trial.

Those wizards being Bobby Dazzler,

Tremora, the Yellow Ranger, Powder Keg Kelly, the Goblin, Ignacio, the Red Ranger, the Green Ranger, Zephyr, Gust of Wind.

A tough round for the Rangers, this one.

Three out of four.

Not great.

We had Whisper, Helvetica, Athena, and Carmine, who all perished in the final battle.

And we also confirmed eight of the survivors.

You three, obviously, Girkan, the spider, the spider who is a big spider, Hasty Jane Jennings, Jennings, Absolute Zero, and the gentleman who stole your key when he froze time.

How about the other two spiders?

The other two spiders we have not confirmed whether or not they have gotten in or out.

These are all the things that we have sort of confirmed through play.

Right now, that leaves seven survivors who died that we do not know.

Seven survivors who died?

Shit, they are going to have quite a confusing day.

Seven aspirants.

Thank you, Justin, who died.

And here's how we're going to pick them.

Each one of you are going to pick two more aspirants who perished in the second trial.

And then I will roll on the table to see who the last one is for a total of seven.

You can choose an aspirant for any reason you like.

Maybe you don't like the concept behind their character.

Maybe their name is...

too corny for you to want to share a season of the adventure zone with them.

Or maybe you want their spell to sort of join the pool of possible new spells you could, you know, gather later on down the road.

So I would ask each of you to open up the list of aspirants here.

And

Juice, we can see that.

Where is that list?

I've just dropped it into the text chain.

Our family's text thread.

Our family text thread.

But that's sacred, Griffin.

It is so not fucking sacred, dude.

This is for God letting us know when old celebrities have died.

Why am I getting - or when there's a great auction for

yesterday?

Oh, God.

It was a tombstone.

It was from

Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Oh, it was all kinds of things from a bunch of different HBO shows.

Ah, okay.

We didn't click through, as is our want.

Yeah, of course you didn't because I sent it.

But no, there's like Dexter props and costumes from all these things.

So there's a lot of great merchandise.

Yeah.

Okay, Juice.

You have the list.

Kill a wizard.

I would like to claim

the life

of Stinkbug.

Stinkbud is a stinkbud.

Stinkbud with a D is a grunting stink bug.

And the lore, if I could take everyone inside, the lore of stinkbud, a largely non-verbal stink bug who speaks only in grunts and spray.

He couldn't cut it out there, unfortunately, and he fell into a ravine.

Okay, yeah, we flash back to the second trial, stinkbud.

Sure, yeah.

I think if you kill him, you should get to see him off.

Then that seems okay, yeah, sure.

And then he falls into a review.

Okay.

Oh, stink bud.

We hardly knew you.

Okay, that's our first one down.

Travis, how about you?

I'm going to take out...

I want to take out

Sergeant Brace.

Sergeant Brace.

Okay.

Sergeant in the Alchemical Army, buttoned up.

He dies.

How does he die?

He polished his boots too much.

Lost track of time?

No, well, no, it reflected in his eyes, and the glare distracted him while he was fighting with one of those sword leaf things sliced him right in half.

Are you going to do this work?

Shall we play it out?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Thank you.

On God, you terrible.

Oh, ah.

Oh, my eyes.

Oh, oh, no.

My guts.

Oh, my guts have spilled out all over the ground!

Okay, Sergeant.

Sergeant Brace.

Oh, my beautiful shoes are ruined!

Why did I spend six hours polishing my boots only to have the guts ruined?

My beautiful guts.

My beautiful guts.

We should point out, as Stinkbud died, Poison Spray joined the pool of spells, and as Sergeant Brace goes down, Firebolt joins the Pool of Spells.

Dad, who do you want to kill?

I'm going to kill Scorching Ray.

Brutal.

Can you read Scorching Ray's like full bio here?

Scorching Ray, whose talent was Scorching Ray.

Yeah, and what was the reference?

Reference was Ray Romano.

Yeah.

And the lore was...

And the lore was, I fully and completely ran out of ideas here at the very last guy.

I thank you for killing Scorching Ray.

Give me Scorching Ray's death, please.

Scorching Ray's death, he finally around to eating

a lunch that his mom packed.

In the middle of this hour-long trial.

Well, he needed the energy.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Because you've got to have the carbs for the fire.

Okay.

And he basically went, oh, my.

And the linguine was bad.

And he died from it.

And he died.

It was real bad.

All right.

Scorching Ray.

Really bad linguine.

Scorching Ray's Scorching Ray joins pool of spells.

All right, back to you, Juice.

Your second

ray get that scene or no?

Yeah, I mean, he did one sort of.

Oh, this linguine mob.

Why, Ma!

I think we should all, we've all been so good lately.

I think we should all get a chance of pretending to be Ray Romano dying.

Oh, Ma!

That's your Ray Romano?

I'm working on it.

Deborah!

Deborah!

Deborah!

Oh, that was good.

Wait, who did the last one?

My Bile, Deborah!

Oh, my Bile

sleeping at my dance!

My beautiful dad!

His brother stepped on.

My beautiful duts, Ma!

Mara, you grew up my beautiful gun!

I would like to do Betty Fortuna, please.

Betty Fortuna.

Let me find Betty Fortuna on this list of 64 wizards.

Betty Fortuna, owner of Fortune's Favor, who is basically Lady Gaga.

Yes.

A flashy-famed gambler and known raconteur.

How does Betty Fortuna perish?

She's on the phone with her friend standing underneath the tree, and then a big, heavy branch fell off and killed her.

Wow.

A lot of...

So give me that?

Yeah.

Yeah, like I was saying, I just don't think the other races are as good as mine.

Crack boots to squish.

Bro, did you know that about Betty Squishy?

Didn't know that about Betty Fortuna.

She's a huge racist?

Damn, dude.

Damn, dude, I'm Glash Shish.

I'm Glash Scott, though.

Yeah, for sure, dude.

I'm Glash Scott Squish.

I can't remember the last time the death of a racist made me this happy.

No, wait.

Yes, I can.

Okay, Travis, your second pick, please.

Oh, thank you.

There's some names on there where if you pick them,

I'll never fucking die.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I'm trying to do.

But will you let it play, Griff?

I mean, yeah, I'll let anything happen.

I'm going to roll the dice later and see who dies.

So one of my beloveds could get the axe here.

Let's see.

The land does choose, dude.

It feels like you had 64 action figures and you were like, yeah, guys, if you want to play, that'd be cool.

You guys just pick which ones you want to throw into the wood chippers.

I mean, maybe not that one.

Not that one.

I really liked it.

Okay, yeah, that's fine.

Go ahead.

Yeah, it's stupid anyway.

I'm going to take out Wink Truefellow.

Wink Truefellow, yeah.

Okay.

Based on fake psychic John Edwards.

Yes, with his spell, Detect Thoughts.

Uh, Betty Fortuna's spell.

Oh, I deleted it already.

It was something about like twist fate or some shit.

I thought it was Fortune's favor, Fortune's Favor.

That was it.

Yes, yes, thank you.

Uh, Wing True Fellow looks at the person he's walking with and goes, I'm, I'm sensing, I'm sensing that there's a key.

There's a key, I'm getting a key right in there.

I'm going to walk through this door, and there's a key, and he opens the door, and a bear just eats his head off.

Okay, awesome.

Detect Thoughts rejoins the pool.

And, Dad, your last pick, please.

Mrs.

Glass.

Mrs.

Glass.

Mrs.

Glass.

That is the Mary Poppins-inspired, an aristocratic middle-aged woman, famed for her power of turning invisible.

Invisibility rejoins the pool.

How does Mrs.

Glass perish?

Musically.

She announces it musically.

Oh, thank God.

But she's dying?

Yeah.

Let's hear it, it, Dad.

I'm ready for

Hoppin's parody.

Super gal is fragile.

Listen to extermination notice.

Wowzers, Dad.

Jesus Christ, man.

That actually gave, sent a chill up my spine and took my breath away.

That was the intent.

Somewhere Weird Al Jankovic just announced his retirement.

Yeah.

Emmanuel Judd.

All right.

I am going to now roll a

number.

Now, wait, are we in this list?

You are, but you're safe.

That would be wild.

That would be so fucking wild.

That would be such insane

way down on Trees has chosen.

Okay.

45 is

Bill Shredley.

Oh, man.

Bill Shredley, based on slash guitar slinging rock star with a devoted following.

He is standing on a bluff overlooking the rest of the island as the fireball comes down from the sky, knowing that he's too late, pulls out his guitar, plays a beautiful elegy

as the fires come down and

consume the island.

His spell, Thunder Wave, rejoins the pool.

All right, that's it.

That's our 16.

We are down to 48 wizards.

Amazing.

Well done.

That was really fun, Garf.

Thanks for letting us do that.

Yeah, sure.

I don't know that it will happen like that again.

Oh, that's too bad because I really, really,

killing the NPCs that were sure, yeah, killing the NPCs in the game.

That's what I meant.

After things sort of calm down, after you are revived and healed here in the Ziggurat Hall, holographic depictions of each of the 16 fallen wizards appear around the Ziggurat Hall.

You see the spectral image of Bobby Dazzler just doing some tight rolls.

Everybody falls before it screaming, it should have been Hell Grammar.

It should have been Hell Grammar.

You see Stink Bug looking at his arms, his pincers, like confused that he's dead and he's a hologram now.

That's crazy.

Can I talk to Hell Grammar?

Yeah, sure, of course.

I mean, we're who'd have.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you have to.

I want to talk about the Bobby Dazzler thing.

Yeah, sure.

You made a difficult choice.

Um,

yes, I did.

I think we all made made a lot of difficult choices.

So, more than most

sitting with you.

Uh

to be honest with you, I'm a bit convicted and a bit conflicted.

I

you

uh

didn't help me, but Rictus did.

Rictus helped me quite a bit.

And

you know, I think maybe I've seen the light.

I think I need to change the way I'm approaching this contest.

Oh, that would be quite a shame.

Honestly, I enjoyed your show quite a bit.

But, of course, this is a.

I want to know more about

my

playmates.

My opponent.

My

Sogros.

So Gross gotta go.

No, you messed up.

I have to go.

Oh, no, tell me.

Oh, no, I regret this conversation I've entered into.

I must hope.

Hopes your

dreams.

Did you like your parents?

I have to ask Hell Grammit, is the conflictedness you're feeling that Rictus did save you at one point and then also did steal your key to go inside?

I don't know if you forgot about that in the five full calendar weeks since we've recorded that.

I remember.

I remember.

I just, but it's, it's, what have you done for me lately?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, the most latest thing he did was steal your key.

No, I healed him after I stole the key.

Oh, that's a good point.

Good point.

Good point.

Okay.

Do you remember?

yeah fair i remember really it has been such a long time i would have died for like the fifth time true if it hadn't been for rectus

90s kids remember 90s kids maybe i want to know about rictus and rictus tell me about your parents uh

i'd rather not far away he's so yeah i'd rather not right now

okay um maybe we'll have a nosh later Okay,

suddenly, the three of you hear a splashing from the fountain at the center of the room and from the basins, and you all see the eight wizards of the octave each emerge from one of these seven silver basins and this fountain at the middle of the room.

Oshim appears from the central fountain, the wizard who addressed you before the last trial, and he clears his throat and he says, Congratulations, aspirants, for passing the second trial of this conclave.

By demonstrating your courage, cleverness, and opportunism, you are now one step closer to your arcane ascension.

Mourn not your fallen fellows, as their will lives on within the very stone foundation of this island.

We are now adjourned, and shall proceed with the third trial in two days' time.

After each trial, you will have a day to rest to spend how you please.

We will proceed in this fashion, trialed and rest, and so on.

Until the final trial on the 14th day,

you will be spending a fortnight with us.

And he looks around the room.

He looks around the room

and gets no recognition.

Okay, um, the keys.

No, I'm there.

I laughed.

Okay, good.

The keys you all obtained have imbued you with an enchantment that shall grant you access to a designating living quarter on the southern rim of the island.

The quality of your lodgings and the rewards waiting within do correspond to the value of the key you scavenged.

You will rest while you may enjoy your day of leisure and study, and we shall reconvene here the morning after next.

Now, some ground rules.

First,

you must never remove your grimoire from your arm.

Doing so will mark your immediate disqualification from the conclave.

You may not attack, injure, or bring direct harm to another aspirant unless otherwise directed.

You are all prohibited from approaching the crystallarium at the islands.

Sorry, ma'am.

Yeah, for sure.

Directed by whom?

By us, by the rules of the trial.

If a snake or something slithers up to you and is like, hey, you should go and

you know, you should go kill Dr.

Legume.

Dr.

Legume looks at himself like, why, why me?

Why did you pick...

Why did you say mine?

And why am I apostle son?

The snake is a trickster that's trying to trick you.

I'm no trickster.

I don't communicate snakes.

Okay, well, don't yes, don't listen.

I guess unofficial rule, don't listen to any snakes.

What if the good doctor asked me to hurt him?

I suppose that there is some precedent for hurting someone to help them.

Then that is cruel.

To be kind in the right measure, I believe.

If you require clarifications about a choice, a course of action you are considering, you may inquire.

If time allows.

If time allows.

If time allows, we can all agree on this.

Your personal assistant, Chris, who lives within your grimaw, will be able to help you suss those out.

And don't go towards the big crystal at the top, the northern end of the island.

All other areas of the island are free for you to explore.

Patronize our endless library, our relics of histories forgotten.

Find the secrets to the arcane questions that have plagued you your entire life.

You will learn much here, I can promise you that.

Are there any questions?

Uh,

do do we get to choose where we will live, did you say?

No, I pretty much specifically said that you have been assigned lodging based on the tru the key that you uh acquired in the mastron.

I know, but is it

is it strictly location, location, location, or is it how how nice the domicile is?

I mean, I thought it would be pretty self-evident, but like there's nameplates with your names over all the different places where you're going to be staying.

Will I be close to my my new friends?

Well,

I would like to be placed somewhere near to my tomb.

I suppose if you want to trade rooms with someone, you could work that out.

Can I get a humidifier in mine?

I like it real dank.

What color key did you get?

Copper.

Absolutely not.

No way, dude.

Absolutely not.

If anybody ends up with a humidifier and doesn't want it, please let me know.

Okay, well, is there a place to plug in my CPAP?

Of course.

We wouldn't...

We are actually required to provide you with any sort of CPAP accommodations you make.

CPAP and a humidifier, too.

What kind of pulmonary functions do you think?

You're getting him coming and going.

Being a necromancer is very complicated.

Okay.

Well, you...

That is not the type of questions I was expecting, as you are all competing in a deadly game for which there can only be one way.

Was it a cafeteria, like a points thing, or is it do we have like a budget of like money that we can spend there?

Or what's the

yes?

If you if you make your way to the to the crystal orchid at the northwest end of the island, your culinary desires will be catered to promptly.

Okay, well, I guess I'll see you all in a couple days, and

good luck.

Prepare for this next trial.

Rest, study, spend your time how you would like, and

I wish you all a good evening.

Goodbye.

I didn't mean to say that like a vampire, but

all right.

And

Ocean and the other seven wizards of the octave descend into the water of their respective basins, and they disappear.

And slowly the wizards file out of the Ziggurat, and

you all approach the lodgings, which are sort of arranged in a few different rows at the southern end of the island.

You all can see a row of two-story,

really, really, really nice-looking cabins.

As you approach them, there are golden nameplates over each one.

And on those nameplates, you see

a few familiar names, the spider, Gracon, the gentleman.

It actually says the gentleman from Wisbury over his.

And Loraveth, you find your cabin right next door to Gracon's

and a handful of other names.

I have not assigned the other color keys of the winners because I didn't know who was going to die.

So we'll settle that a little bit later on.

These are the residences down at the bottom right corner of the island.

They are behind this giant bonfire that's between

these residences and the ziggurat um that have these four floating red crystals surrounding it it looks really magical and it casts a uh a really sort of lovely soft light on these eight you know primo cabins that are uh closest to it.

The next row uh features 16 smaller looking almost like duplexes sort of like studio apartments kind of set up.

They are made out of this sort of light granite material with

some windows.

Not like the fanciest lodgings, but like, you know,

a hotel room or a motel perhaps

that you might stay in.

And

you find your room assembled amongst the others here, Hellgrammate.

The only other Silver Key we know is Hasty Jane, but there's 14 other wizards here staying in this row as well.

And finally, at the

very end of the island, we have uh a row of 24 is that right?

Yes, 24 uh tents that are set up.

Uh they are

I mean they're decently sized tents.

These are like sort of higher end uh tents that you might find at an REI, not like a stick holding up like a single tarp.

Like they are they are decent, but they are definitely much smaller and much less secure than the other lodgings here in the residential block.

And as you walk through, you find a wooden nameplate hanging over a dark blue tent that has your name on it, Rictus.

I would like to intercept the gentleman before he goes into his residence.

Sure.

His is on the very end.

So you see him kind of like approaching the

stoop, walking up to his grand front entrance as the rest of the crowd kind of like files past making their way to their individual rooms.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Oh, my goodness.

Sorry, what was your name?

I didn't catch it.

My camera was.

Oh, Rictus Ravenwood IV.

Ravenwood, one of the.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

This is

truly, it's nice to meet someone from such an esteemed family.

Oh, thank you.

And what you're the gentleman, but may I...

You may call me the gentleman from Wisbury.

And let me cut you off.

I am so sorry about taking your key.

I have but one power, and when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

And so

in that moment, your taking your golden key was the only option that was available to me.

In order to survive, certainly you can understand that.

Certainly, Rictus.

Well, I wanted to give you the opportunity to trade me back.

Trade you.

Oh.

Oh, trade you back

keys.

Yeah.

Well,

I'm not sure because the keys have bestowed us with

an enchantment

as soon as we cross the threshold of the Ziggurat.

So it's not a physical thing that I can trade you.

I suppose we could speak to Chris and ask if there's any way to transfer, but

it just doesn't seem like it's in the spirit of the competition, Rictus, and that's very important.

I tell you what, I am so beat, Rictus.

I am so, so tired.

I am advanced in years.

Let's get some sleep.

We'll sleep on it tonight tomorrow.

I also, I just wanted to say thank you.

Oh,

for what?

Oh, so when I kind of joined in to this competition, I was just kind of doing it,

you know, like because it seemed like a thing to do and kind of earned my family's approval and all that.

But

you

have given me purpose in it so that I now

want to win oh wonderful so i can use my newfound power and my necromancy skills to punish you oh careful

careful rictus there's no need to to threaten me

oh it's not a threat oh it's not a threat it felt threatening if i can be honest with you rictus

Yes, I know that I have slighted you.

I am not

ignorant of that.

And I do apologize, Rictus.

This is not, I am not a nasty man down on the terra firma.

It's just this place.

It is a competition, and I do intend to win.

So

I welcome this healthy rivalry between the two of us.

Perhaps our paths will cross as colleagues, as co-conspirators from time to time.

But if

those crossroads should meet on a battleground, I suppose we will figure that out as well.

I must bid you a good evening, though.

So tired, so old.

And he makes his way in the door of his cabin and shuts it behind him.

So Lorivith is in the gold.

Loraveth is in gold.

Hell Grammet, you are in silver.

The silver sort of like duplex is here, and Rictus is in a tent.

Friend, Rictus!

Rictus, my friend?

Hello?

Yeah.

Hell, hell, hell Grammit.

I feel like I owe you

for

basically saving my life.

Would I would be happy to swap with you if you would like to switch domiciles.

I think

I am more used to roughing it and being close to the earth.

I think I think perhaps I would be happier in a tent, and you would be happier

in a residence that was a little bit more high-class than just a tent.

And I would like to reward you.

Would you consider that?

Hey, Griffin.

Yeah.

Can I make an inside check against another player?

Yeah, certainly.

Dad, if you want to

text me, I guess, if your motivations here are

on the level or not, or we can have...

That way I know if you're rolling a deception check or if you are sort of telling the truth here.

I'm trying to get ulterior motives.

Yeah, absolutely.

Travis, why don't you roll the insights?

Yeah, we'll see how that goes first.

Yeah, before it's a five, so it doesn't.

Yeah, I guess it doesn't really matter, Deb.

I suppose your intentions here are

dad texted all of us, which defeats the point.

Yeah, I didn't even look.

Dad just said buttering, which is

which is great.

Okay, with your five insight check, you get the sense that he's buttering you, Travis.

Is it big enough for us to be roommates?

Uh, no, that is

really figure out the possibilities here.

Well,

let me add,

I would like to have

our domiciles in a row.

You know, like Loriveth and the gold and you and the silver and me and the bronze of the copper and just the three of us in a nice line.

Like our own.

Is there a reason he's even thinking about us?

Like, I want to know why you even have my name in your mouth like we had like seriously why are you you all did stand back to back as uh

you know as in battle cooperative and it makes sense because you and i were working together loraveth and then i saved his life and took his key

um yeah this is up to you traffic do you want to trade i'm going to join them then can i come over because we're talking about where we're living yeah sure please take mine may we

oh have how have you looked inside the gold?

I'll open the door to them so they can look inside.

It is.

Oh, shit.

It's incredible.

Polished.

PS6.

Hardwood.

There's a PS6 in there hooked up to a 71-inch plasma screen.

Plasma screen?

Yeah, it's a plasma screen.

That's what makes it fantasy.

TV.

There's a huge ice chest filled with snacks of all shapes and sizes.

Is it a smart ice chest?

It actually.

Oh my god, I can't get out of the vault.

What's funny is actually, Lord of it, as you went in there, when you opened up the ice chest, it was full of your favorite food.

It was very much designed for you.

I don't feel anyone could actually sleep in this.

Yeah,

whichever one of you wants this.

Would you be happy in the silver?

I would be thrilled to sleep in it under the stars on the grass.

Okay.

So this is for a Goliath, this would

not be his, this feels to him like not an environment he'd be comfortable in.

It's way too like

crafted.

It feels way too distant from nature.

It also feels for him extremely exposed.

Yeah.

So he does not, this does not feel like a treat for him.

So okay.

Okay.

I will

I will happily accept the gold, but I'll have like an open door policy so you guys can come in and like raid the fridge and stuff if you want.

Clubhouse.

Yay.

I love that.

Okay.

All these houses

will say on the far right end

in a row, there's this dark blue tent here that ends up being yours, Loravith.

And then Hell Grammit, you have this duplex here on the right side.

And then you have

Rictus, this gold cabin.

As you sort of make these verbal agreements, you see the name plates over the tent and the uh cabin swap uh and now there's just like one cabin with a wooden name plate and one tent with a golden nameplate uh designating those as your guys respective domiciles griffin when i look out the back of my tent what do i see

You look out the back of your tent.

If you look at our map, the way our map is set up, these tents are sort of at the outer rim of our map.

So I'm curious, like, what my tent, what I'd be seeing out there.

So you can see, it is

dusk, and you can still see through kind of like the dawning moonlight, the lands below.

You are on the very edge of the island, and

I am not sure what that experience would be like for someone as kind of connected to the earth as it is field?

Is it physical?

No, is it earthquake?

No force field, nothing whatsoever.

It is a sheer drop off

down, you know,

several hundred feet.

Yeah, you get the sense that if you rolled out of bed a little bit too enthusiastically, it would be the last thing you ever did.

But you can see the lands below.

From where you all are, I mean, now that you don't have the pressure of this fireball hanging over you, I think you all get the feel that this is

a truly sort of surreal.

Just kind of sensory experience being on this island.

It's moving quite slowly through the skies right now, but from this position, you can see almost all of the fold, this area that has been kind of

contained here, this world that you know, surrounded by this towering wall of fog that surrounds it.

It is

a scenic vista, to say the least.

Loraveth, when he gets back over, he packs up the tent.

into like a tight roll and he gets his pack

and he sets up sort of a uh

a little seat there facing out over the edge because it's like it reminds him of the mountain peaks it reminds him awesome of being up so he sets it up that's his like bed there as he's just like set up a little wedge for him to nestle himself in just with a view out over the edge rad i love it um so you're you're sleeping out under the stars yeah no no tent okay fantastic as you do that as you sort of roll up your uh designated tent Hell Grammonet, as you make your way into your silver residence and you make your way into the gold one, Rictus.

Rictus, you find that Lorovith's food didn't change as you guys swapped houses.

And so it's just like huge.

What is it?

What's food for Lorovith?

I imagine big beef, big beefy mitten, slapping beef.

Yeah, I think that it would be

most of the year they would be eating

preserved meats because they wouldn't, for most of the year, they can't catch live meat.

So for him, I think it would be fresh game.

Like that is, that is a delicacy from his point of view, the stuff that won't keep.

Okay, so a wonderful little cultural exchange that has happened unintentionally here, Rictus.

As you all make your way into your lodgings,

you are, as everyone, all the 48 aspirants are, I imagine, quite exhausted from the preceding day.

The first and second trials basically happened back to to back.

And so in this past day, you, you know, underwent this wild sort of psychic experience with the trial of divination and then this

struggle for survival and the trial for abjuration.

You're pretty worn out.

You do notice among the sort of like belongings that have been laid out for you, each of these residences contained a small pouch.

And

Loraveth, in the pouch inside the tent, you find

three small metal cubes that are made out of copper.

And Hellgrammet, same for you.

You find three metal cubes made of silver.

And in your cabin, Rictus, you find a pouch with three cubes made out of gold.

And you assume this to be the rewards that Osham hinted at earlier.

And with that, you all take stock of your stuff.

Uh, and as the stars, uh, come out sort of uninterrupted in the sky above, you are closer to them than any of you have ever been, uh, you all drift off to a night of deep slumber.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to,

yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.

Um, and it's delivered right to your door.

And cats.com named it their best overall cat food.

And get this after switching to smalls, 88% of cat owners report overall health improvements.

For smalls food, that's a big deal.

For a limited time only, because you are an adventure zone.

I was really proud of that, Justin.

I was really proud of that.

Sorry, Trav.

That was great.

Thank you.

For a limited time only, because you're an Adventure Zone listener, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order plus free shipping when you head to Smalls.com/slash Adventure.

That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com/slash adventure plus free shipping.

Again, that's smalls.com/slash adventure.

Hey, this week we're coming to.

Sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join the week.

It's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line.

In Austin,

what trap?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch postings this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroemerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing My Brother, My Brother Me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

Nope, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

the only nfts i'm into are naughty funny things which is what we talk about on my brother my brother and me

we serve it up every monday for you if you're listening and if not we just leave it out back and goes rotten so check it out on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts

all right we're over 70 episodes into our show let's learn everything so let's do a quick progress check Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

The sun rises over the octave ziggurat the following morning and you all awaken inside of your your

different places of rest.

Rictus, you had a great night's sleep.

Awesome, awesome mattress in here.

Hell Grammar, I don't know what kind of bed situation you're used to.

So maybe the sort of

modest lodgings of these duplexes is, you know, a bit better than you are used to.

He did much better

trying out the lazy bug and kind of slept.

The lazy bug?

Instead of

lazy boy or ladybug.

Either one of those.

He's combined them.

It works both ways.

It works no less.

And more of it.

I mean, sleeping.

You sleep as you always sleep.

This is not a weird experience for you.

But you all basically have the day here to do as you want.

I don't have like,

there's lots of features on this island.

If you want to go and check things out, I figured you all could, you know, each have time to have an activity here.

And then we will sort of all gather at the

Adelier at the end of

this day off for you all to acquire some new spells.

We should also point out that you all have leveled up to level three

in the time, I guess, as you slept.

It was such a good sleep you leveled up twice.

Dang, dude.

And as such, I anticipate that you all got some new stuff, but for Wisconsin.

That's a wet dream situation.

Yeah, super, duper, wow.

Super wet.

Constantly.

Buckets.

And now you all are

a bit hardier, more HP, which is probably the most kind of noteworthy thing since wizards

in the classic rule set that we are using

get some stuff that is maybe not going to be so relevant to this season.

Travis pointed out that now you can learn necromancy spells at half the cost, which is not really anything that we are going to.

be dealing with here.

Was there any feature added in your third level acquisition that you guys want to share?

I am curious to hear what school you all have chosen.

You already touched on mine, but with the school of necromancy, I did pick up Grim Harvest.

Once per turn, when you kill one or more creatures with a spell of first level or higher, you gain HP.

You regain HP equal to twice the spell's level or three times its level

if the spell belongs to the School of Necromancy.

Oh, that's cool.

But that doesn't work on Constructs or Undead.

Okay.

I did want to mention in the second level, there's a scholar

perk,

and I am taking advantage of what I believe is a typographical error here.

It says, while studying magic, you specialized in another field of study.

Choose one of the following skills in which you have proficiency, Arcana, history, investigation, medicine, nature, or religion.

You have expertise in the chosen skill.

But in the drop-down box, my choices are religion, nature, medicine, or intimidation.

So I took intimidation.

Okay, you became such a good wizard that you are a bit scary.

A little scary.

Fair.

I do like that a lot.

Well, I'm also.

I'm also seven and a half feet tall.

Yeah, sure.

No, it makes a lot of sense.

What school did you choose?

Evoker.

Evoker.

Yeah, I'd already found the Absorb element, and I had my Lightning Lash.

So I just

now,

I have one called an Evocation Savant, which is

easier for you to learn.

Two spells

that I can learn for free, but of course, that's not really.

We will be handling spell acquisition in a very special way this season, and we will get to it later in this day.

But how do you all want to spend your days?

Do you have any ideas?

Anything you want to do to...

you know, answer some grand arcane question of the universe.

Magic is still widely not like fully understood in this world except for those who are members of the octave so like you know some sort of secret unveiled might might happen here if there's any way you want to try to prepare or like get a leg up on the next trial uh do some investigation find out what what it might be that is an option if you want to go to one of the landmarks here on the map just to see if there's anything you know waiting for you there uh you are welcome to do that also uh i would just ask not the adelier since that is how we will sort of conclude the day.

Anyone want to go first?

Any ideas?

Hell Grammit bounds into Rictus's place.

Hello, bud.

Time for our day.

Fuck's up.

I love this freaking energy, dude.

Come on.

What are we going to do today?

You said open door, Paul?

Yeah.

No, I know, but I can't.

Because it's 5.15 in the morning.

Yeah.

Oh, what?

What time?

Is that what you sleep?

Are those jammies?

Do you guys know that?

That's weird.

Yeah, these are my jammies.

Well,

I guess I'm up.

We could, I don't know, watch the sunrise together and then go our separate ways to do shit.

Separate ways.

Well,

I usually spend about six to seven hours in quiet contemplation thinking about about life and death and stuff.

Oh,

well.

Yeah, but

what does Rick just do, Trump?

Oh, yeah.

Listen to a lot of Fallout Boy.

I guess I could see what Loraveth is doing.

Yeah, he seems like he'd be down to party with you today.

Well, okay.

Well, then maybe we could have a

lunch.

Cool.

Cool.

Okay, I'll go see what Loraveth is doing.

All right.

How Grammat bounds down

and

encounters...

Well, where is Lorivith?

I'm down at the edge of the world.

Yeah, he was

arrived with Lorvith.

He is...

You see that he's

during the night, he slept poorly and he struggled to sleep well, so he used a spade to dig himself a small trench to try to help him sleep a little bit better, to make a little space to nestle in there.

It it kind of pissed the people in the surrounding tents off.

That's what I was gonna say.

Yeah, your next-door neighbor is Dusty Underside, uh, blue-collar dwarf.

Uh, came over, like, hey, man, oh,

that's really loud.

Please, um,

if I don't get my 40 weeks, I'm gonna be a real grump in the morning.

I apologize, friend.

Hey, great voice!

Great voice you got there.

Great voices talk alike, that's what I say.

All right.

Norbeth, could you come away from the edge?

Little bit, I've got to think,

you know, hide.

I thought we could hang today.

Come on, let's go to town.

Walk with me, Helgar.

I was thinking about going to the eggs and having a fuck about.

Alright.

As long as it's not near the edge.

I make a confession to you.

I know we don't know each other well, but I

slept fitfully and I wanted to discuss it.

Tell me.

Do you remember the singer, the the racist singer that we all hated?

The racist singer?

Ah, yes, the Fortuna, the racist singer we all hated.

Do you remember?

Um,

for argument's sake, I'll say yes.

Okay.

Well, sh

she was killed

in the last competition.

Do you remember?

We had a dunch.

Now, not my other query to you.

Do you remember Stinkblood?

Oh, yes, I remember Stinkbud.

Well, this is my confession to you, and the thing I find so troubling.

I wished

both of them dead.

Oh,

I wish

I didn't just.

I don't know how to say this, but I wished both of them dead.

And then they were.

It's as though my

I could not shake the feeling as I slept that my wishing made it so.

Ah,

listen, I know.

Don't feel bad.

Listen, we're in a competition where it's it's every creature for themselves.

I know that I know that, but it there can be only one,

you know.

There's some part of me, in some sense, I can't help but feel that because I didn't connect with them more

in some sense, or because I had such a distaste for them, I wished them dead, and then they

died.

Have you have you wished anyone else dead?

It comes this long pause, does not go well for a friendship

for some reason.

I feel as though you would be unaffected.

All right.

Yeah, you've made your way to the eggs

within which you saw absolute zero.

Head in.

Which one did he go into?

Egg two, I want to say?

Egg three.

And had this incredible spiritual experience

and did not quite reveal to you the nature of that experience.

But you make your way to these eggs.

There are eight eggs all lined up in a row, and

they are all

featured these sort of

openings with a Roman numeral above labeling them one through eight.

And they all appear to be open.

Hell Grammar, I apologize for the modeling start to the morning.

Clap!

Now we have arrived, and now our business may begin.

So here's what I ask of you.

I wish to have a fuck about in the eggs, but when I saw absolute zero, it seemed that he got a little, if you'll pardon, scrambled.

So, what I'd like is for you, Hellgrammat, to go inside and have a fuck about, and then come out and tell me what you what happens.

Oh,

um,

it will.

Fine.

I will remind you, Hellgrammit, you do want to stay on my good side, just in case, eh?

Just in case.

And he tries to give him a hearty pat on the back, but rock just freaking solid.

Like claw, like mandibles, claws, talons, rock.

No good.

I love this.

If this is the thing you do with your time, Hellgrammit, it will be what you

kind of lured him into it.

If he doesn't want to, that's fine.

But I wanted to get this is what I was going to find somebody to try to do this with, and Hellgrammit came to me.

So, right.

No,

Hellgrammit's all for it.

All right.

You have these eight eggs, all lined up, numbered one through eight.

Which one do you choose?

Um egg two, Brute.

Egg two.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait.

Before you, before you go in, egg two.

Wait.

Egg two is the one he went in, right?

Egg three is the one.

Okay.

Egg two.

Egg two is fine.

Before you go in.

Wait.

Ah.

And he runs back to his satchel and he finds some like paper.

And grabs some charcoal out of the fire because it's the morning so the fire is burned down.

Yeah.

try to take some notes because absolute zero is absolutely no help what seem birds.

So, please, if you could try to document why you're in there for

posterity, you understand.

Are you sure you do not want to?

Oh, I am absolutely sure.

Yes, I would never try to rob you of the limelight of history or what have you.

All right, well,

all right, bud.

I shall do so.

Step on it.

I go.

Okay.

You step into the second egg.

Lorovith, you see Hellgrammet just kind of vanish into

the darkness as he passes through the aperture into egg number two.

And as soon as he vanishes into that darkness, the aperture

shuts and he is now trapped inside.

Lorovith puts his ear on the outside of the shell.

Give me a perception check just to see how much of the following scene you are able to hear.

The perception check is a

natural 20.

Holy shit, you can hear it all, my man.

Well, thank God that would have made...

Honestly, Griffin.

From an engineering perspective, Rachel, thanks you.

Certainly.

Yes.

Sure.

Yeah, no, I guess you guys are not going to have to hop off the call as

Hell Grammar has this moment.

I'm not in this scene, so I was barely paying attention.

You're definitely not paying attention.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Good.

I would prefer Travis.

I worked hard for this information.

I prefer Travis to have it.

Travis will hear it.

Rick just won't know it.

You are standing in

a small, obviously darkened room, but the darkness in here is so absolute that the dimensions of this space become like really, really abstract instantly.

And you can tell that you're standing, but you can't really see the ground beneath your feet.

You're just kind of like in this void.

And as you are in there, you see a sudden light that it takes your eyes a moment to adjust to.

And

you see this diamond shape come out of the central stone of your grimoire on your wrist.

And you see the holographic projection of Chris, your personal assistant,

appear, and a voice comes from this projection and says, hi, I'm Chris, your arcane assistant here on the island.

I noticed that you've chosen to spend your time within one of our eggs today.

Are you at all familiar with what a way to inside?

No, not in the least bit, Chris.

Ah, I see.

These eggs are one of our most

profound educational tools.

You see, the Ziggerot is just as much a learning facility as much as it is a sort of uh locus for all magical energies that uh enter into locus did you say locus

oh um and we have designed these eggs to transport their inhabitants to one of the eight eras of our world so that you can experience what it was like during that time uh And that is what we will be simulating for you today.

I say simulate, but it will be just as if you were present during this era in which egg meeting egg two?

Quite ancient history.

And if you are ready, we will begin with the simulation.

I am ready as rain.

Then led us away into the second era of our history, the era of manifestation.

Suddenly you are not standing on ground anymore.

You are floating in an infinite vacuum of nothingness.

You look down at your hands and there's nothing there.

The paper and charcoal is not there.

Your hands are not there.

You are not there.

You are floating in a void of oblivion, and

your consciousness is still very much kind of present and aware of what is happening.

And no living thing is supposed to see what you are seeing right now.

And for just a moment, you feel absolute frigid terror coursing through your body as you are confronted by

nothing.

And then

in an instant, there is a spark of light

hundreds of miles in the distance, just a faint flickering.

And then from that, radiating in all directions is

everything.

In this moment, you are witnessing what is essentially the Big Bang.

You are present at the birth of the extant universe, and it is all sort of

flying past you, consuming you, creating you.

I need you to make a wisdom-saving show for me, please.

It would be a 15.

15, fantastic.

It's too much.

It's too much for you to kind of bear.

Your mind is having trouble kind of comprehending

the nature of creation itself.

But this energy...

you realize is something profound.

It is something extremely powerful.

And

you decide

you can kind of ride the wave a little bit.

If you open your mind and you kind of just let this moment of creation

happen around you, you allow yourself to be a part of it rather than trying to wrestle with comprehending it.

You realize that there is incredible power here, that even though it is some simulation of

prehistoric past,

you feel an enlightenment settle upon you and you feel arcane energy absolutely coursing through your body.

You feel yourself thrumming with energy and understanding and you feel yourself connected with magic in a way that you have never even come remotely close to before.

I'm going to allow you to open up the list of spells.

Anything that's not claimed, second level or below, you can just pick.

And we are going to add that to your spell sheet as you have this moment of magical enlightenment.

Okay.

It needs to be a wizard spell with the check mark next to it and not yellow.

That means that it has been claimed.

But any cantrip, first level, or second level spell, you will now get to choose sort of outside the boundaries of how we will otherwise normally assign these things.

Well, Well, I'm looking down the list, and you know what?

I think

I think that it's only appropriate that I get scorching rays.

Yeah, okay.

That's a second level spell, I believe?

Yes.

Okay, I'm going to put that in your name.

Please go into your character sheet and make sure you add that spell to your list under the second level spells that you all now have access to as you are third level.

Travis, we will also now need to

get rid of the homebrew version of your original spell that we kind of came up to, came up with because it is a second level spell.

And now just give you the second level version of that.

Wither and bloom.

You can now add that.

Okay.

Yeah,

you feel

heat radiating through your body, the primal heat of the universe.

And, you know, other times where you all have gotten these spells on the island, it has been through like the absorption of some memory of one of your fellow fallen aspirants.

This is not that.

This is like you have been bestowed a,

you know, a modicum of power from the Big Bang itself.

It is, it is pure

in a way.

It still shows up as a like crystal in your grimoire,

but it is, it is yours.

And in this moment, like you, you feel like you may be the only person

here who has two kind of natural inherent spells, one that you were born with and one that...

you have been granted in this moment of enlightenment.

It is a wild and overwhelming feeling.

With a 15 on your wisdom saving throw, I'm going to say that you are definitely going to be thrown for a loop.

You are definitely going to be sort of in this weird, euphoric, elated state,

similar to the one that Absolute Zero was in, but you have not lost your mind, which maybe would have happened if you had rolled a very bad wisdom saving throw here.

And then, as suddenly as it sort of came upon you, the big bang vanishes, and the aperture opens, and your eyes adjust to normal sunlight.

You are standing there again, you are holding the paper and the charcoal in your hands, uh,

but you also have this new crystal in your grimoire and a new spell at your command.

Look out!

Look out, baby!

Hell Grammit's ready to raise some...

Well,

hell

Grammit.

You,

you,

big daddy.

I'm not there.

He's not there.

Well, okay.

Yeah, about halfway through, he got bored and headed out.

I'm over it.

I'm over it.

Now if you hear, as you come out though, you do hear a splashing off near the falls.

Hell grab it!

Hell grabbed!

You live!

Where did you?

Let me show you.

What do you mean I live?

I'm thrilled.

All right.

And about halfway through, he got bored and it started to get kind of hot.

So he went to the falls and had a swim, wash off, get a fresh start start on the day.

About the time the Big Bang started, he just, his attention started to wander.

So he went over to the falls and had a splash, just like, just like feeling good.

How was it?

Oh,

amazing.

Shall I show you the paper and the charcoal?

Out of curiosity, yes.

Watch this.

What's on the paper?

Yeah, nothing's on the paper.

But all of a sudden it bursts into flames.

Whoa.

And so does the charcoal.

Amazing.

I know.

I'm a pyromaniac.

Maniac on the floor.

I would head into one of these other eggs immediately if that hadn't taken you so long.

Ow, ow, ow.

And he puts his hands in the water to put out the fires.

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