The Adventure Zone Royale: Episode 1

The wizards gather.

Eight.

Oh, wait, fuck.

Okay, I got it now.

The wizards answer eight by eight.

The cornclaves call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell.

They number sixty-four

until

a conflagration

sixty-three

and sixty-two they soon shall be as one by one the wizards die

till one remains to reign on high.

Hello and welcome back to the Adventure Zone.

I don't know why I said back.

This may be your first season.

I don't know you.

I don't know you from Adams Off Ox.

This is Griffin McElroy.

I'll be your dungeon master this season.

Joining me, as always, we got my brother, Justin.

What's up, Juice?

Hey, what's up?

It's me, Justin McElroy.

So happy to be back with you again on The Adventure Zone.

Another great season lined up for you.

I'm in my head now that this is the first season someone's listened to, and now I feel like I'm doing this way too.

Go back to the beginning.

So dad was born in Ohio.

Do you remember the year?

1931.

31.

1955.

So close to 1955.

August of 55.

I guess we'll do things out of order.

Dad's also here.

He's still playing.

Hi, everybody.

Still playing.

Still rolling.

Dad Mackle rolling.

Wait, what order were you going in?

I don't know, man.

Still rolling.

A lot of people, Dad, there was a lot of theories that you weren't going to be in this one, but you were here.

Yeah.

Well, every time I post a picture on Instagram, people think it's a death notice.

So

maybe I've dodged that bullet this time.

I've held off on making thoughtful Father's Day Day posts just because I'm so worried that somebody's going to be able to do it.

Absolutely.

It'll clock like that.

We got Travis on the ones and twos.

Yeah, I'm up in the mix.

Hi, it's me.

I'm playing this season.

Yes, you'll be playing.

I will be GMing, and everyone will be having the time of their lives.

I want to start things off with a few sort of

clarifications before we get started with Taz Royale.

First, even though our last experiment in modesty,

which was Taz Abnimals, had no cursing in it, this one absolutely will.

Now, you don't know that.

Yeah, man, you don't fucking know that.

You don't know that.

Bastard.

Bastard.

Bastard.

Astard people.

If that is something that is a consideration for you,

then you should stop listening.

No, don't.

Keep listening.

Or keep listening.

Yeah, keep listening and expand your horizon.

Learn a thing or two.

Second thing,

as we have kind of announced, this season is our All Wizards Battle Royale style season.

I know some people have some worries about a sort of like PvP campaign.

I want to be clear before we get started.

This is Battle Royale, not in the

Fortnite sense, the Battle Royale, I mean, I guess literally the movie Battle Royale sense, where it's a, you know, everyone's killing each other all the time.

This is more of a competition, a squid game, if you will.

A lot of people die in squid game.

A lot of people got down on squid game.

A lot of people died in squid game.

Sorry.

I said a lot of people die in squid game.

So I'm not sure.

This is more like physical 100.

This one's only got 64 people in it.

Are you trying to clarify the number of people that will have their earthly lives snuffed out?

Is that the clarification?

This is Magical 64, which would have been a way better name for the season, but we already got all the key art made for it.

Last thing today's episode uh just to sort of set expectations uh we're gonna meet our characters and we're gonna learn a little bit about this world and the fold and the conclave and i want to be really clear that i was planning all of this before the pope stuff happened yeah that word was not really highly in circulation conclave until recent um

movies

I thought in the intro you said corn clay.

I wasn't going to say anything.

Griffin, you were so lucky lucky that you told us to hold our tongues because I could feel a psychic wave when you said cornclave that all of us wanted to be like, oh, please, just one quick, I just want one kernel of truth I want to add to that.

You're making fun of an accent right now.

Do you feel good about that, Juice?

You're making fun of an accent.

Are you feeling great, right?

Feeling big, feeling tough.

I'm throwing old big stone through my glass house onto it.

You sure are.

A frightful big stone indeed, Governor.

Let's begin.

Travis.

The velvety padded doors of the trial chamber swing shut behind you, sealing with a bright green arcane glyph.

You turn away from the door to face the room before you.

It is a cramped, octagonal space carved of white marble, nearly featureless save for the large numeral one set into the floor with gray tile.

Positioned at the center of this room, immediately above this carved one, is is a chair made of woven white birch sitting in front of a wide column.

And a figure has been carved into this column.

It is a young man, his arms crossed before him, all white marble save for his eyes, where two cloudy disks of onyx have been set.

And as you enter the room and approach this chair and this young man carved into the column, you realize this figure is nearly identical to a younger version of yourself Rictus Ravenwood IV.

Travis

describe Rictus Ravenwood IV for me

a high elf he is a moon elf so he has a bluish skin

and he

is dressed

pretty traditional goth ideals

but everything is in a neon palette.

I've been envisioning it like if you went to like a roller roller rink or laser tag place in the late 90s.

He has neon green hair kind of swooped down over his eyes.

That is a lot of like neon orange fishnet and he's wearing a like neon pink, neon green tie-dyed tank top.

You guys are going to change clothes like as soon as you get in here.

So like don't spend so much time on that.

Like you're going to get a new shirt.

Yeah.

And he's very gaunt.

And when you say traditional goth, are we talking sort of necromancer fantasy style, or are we talking about

like maul goth?

Like maul goth.

Got you, got you.

Rictus, you enter this room.

You see this statue carved into the column in front of this chair that looks like a younger version of yourself, and you hear a voice

call out from no sort of discernible direction.

You hear it say, Please be seated and lower any psychic defenses you may possess.

Is there a chair?

There is a chair of white woven birch.

Sorry, man, just sit.

Sit in the chair.

Speak up, please.

Sorry, yeah.

Sorry.

This chair,

the wood, the woven one?

Aspirant.

There is but one chair in the room.

I didn't want to assume.

Sorry, sorry, man.

Yeah.

And he sits in the chair.

There is a brief fanfare of horns through the walls, and this voice says, Welcome to the trial of divination,

the first of the Conclave's eight trials, and the first magic received by this world from the Mother Realm.

Divination is the study of secrets divulged and received.

As you enter these trials, the eight archwizards of the octave would seek to know you completely.

All you must do to pass this trial is reveal to us your past and present, and in exchange, we will show you a glimpse of the future that awaits the victor of this conclave.

Oh, sick, man.

If you consent to the terms of the trial, gaze into the eyes of your stone figure, and we shall explore your past.

Should you refuse, the door to the outside world will be open to you, you and your aspiration shall be forfeit

uh rictus gazes as hard as he can

okay are you are you sort of you start to feel immediately a um a sort of psychic influence upon you uh the the fold the world where this story takes place is is an extremely magical place i assume all of you as practitioners uh are are are familiar with at least sort of what it feels like to be under the effect of a spell this is happening to you right now.

Do you try and resist or give in?

This is his grandmother is a divination person who

does a lot of stuff.

Everyone's got a divination grandmother.

Yeah, everyone's got a divination.

That's got to be official.

And she doesn't have a lot of personal boundary

conceptions.

So he has had to put up with this a lot.

So he's very used to it and he's okay with it.

We're going to need to talk about Richter's relationship with his grandmother at some point because that's what he's doing.

Well, his whole family in general.

Yeah, sure.

Well, let's get into it.

You look up into these Onyx eyes and the fog inside of them begins to swirl and your senses are consumed.

In the world of the fold, where our story takes place, everyone is bestowed a single magical talent from the moment of their birth.

Not everyone discovers the spell, which they and they alone have been granted, and fewer still are willing to spend the thousands of hours of study required to truly master their one arcane ability.

As this divination magic scans through your past, Rictus, its focus settles on one of your most poignant core memories.

You remember the moment that you discovered the nature of your unique gift.

Take us back, Rictus, to the moment where you discovered your one magical spell as we learn a little bit about your character.

Rictus was seven years old

from birth.

Basically, as soon as, you know, he was able to like sit up, his family, uh, there's a lot of pressure.

It's a family of necromancers.

They put pressure on a baby?

I mean, basically, they started like

looking for the magic to manifest.

I guess if everyone has a power, as I just said, there will be a jack-jack situation every now, every now and then.

Well, and like, instead of like like toys and stuff, he was given a lot of like dead body parts to see if

he would animate them.

His father is

a baron of an area called The Crossroads and the Breathless Fields.

Oh, mine too.

Cool.

I didn't know we could just say it.

Sorry.

So there's, and he is the only child.

I have two barren dads.

Awesome.

Both my dads are back.

We'll come back to that in your

flash.

My mother is Baron.

All right, next.

He is an only child, as every Ravenwood Baron has been, because of the blessing curse.

Deleting sibling NPC names?

Yeah.

Let's go back in the hopper.

He hasn't had a lot of experience with other people, so Rick just doesn't know if seven is like a normal age for it to manifest, but with the pressure on it, it happens.

And so Rick just is sitting at the table where he sits most days to practice under his parents' watchful eyes with all these like sickly

you know woodland creatures around that he's kind of being pressured to test his power on

uh okay i like that you're sitting at a desk seven years old little rictus ravenwood the fourth um

a desk filled with um dead critters uh your mother did she have a name or may i uh go for it your mother Somna, Somna Ravenwood the, doesn't have a number.

That would be wild.

Somna Somna Ravenwood is just kind of like perched on your desk, staring at you, her face still

like almost a creepy mask.

So intense is the pressure that she is putting on you.

You may not know other kids who are living sort of a similar life as you.

I think, even with that sort of isolation that you experience, you probably have an inkling that this is pretty intense for seven years old.

Seated in the corner in a rocking chair made out of bones, reading a newspaper made out of bones, is your father, Baron.

Did he have a name?

Ric Des Ravenwood III.

That makes so much sense, and I'm so glad that you said it in the tone you did, because that's exactly what I deserved.

Ric Des Ravenwood III is sitting reading his bone paper.

And over his shoulder is the ghost of Rick Dus Ravenwood II.

Uh-huh.

And over his shoulder is another smaller ghost of your great-greatfully Richter Ravenwood I.

That's called him the first, too, which is fucked up.

Well, with the black curse, he knew he would have a son.

Yeah.

Cool.

Your mother says,

Again,

Rictus, again.

Remember, we want the life spirit to disperse from the object.

Do not think of it as a draining like drinking a drink with a straw.

It is a dispersal, Rictus.

Okay.

Again.

Can we take a break?

We will take a break after your 500th murder.

Now begin.

You're at 126.

We're going to have a long afternoon, Rictus.

Okay.

And he places his hand on the, like a sickly chipmunk-looking creature.

Maybe a chipmunk?

Well, but it's not quite.

I mean, in the Breathless Fields, everything's

fucked up.

Yeah.

I like that.

Okay.

And he

grimaces and like beads of sweat, you know, and then there's a sickly green kind of glow.

And when he moves his hand, the chipmunk is like fully dead.

Somna leaps up, shouts,

and your father,

Baron Rictus Ravenwood III, Baron of the Crossroads in the Breathless Fields, hops out of his bone rocking chair and comes over, puts his hand on your shoulder, and is like,

Wow, son,

amazing work.

Wait, did you crush it with your hand, or was this an honest, necromantic spell?

No,

it was, it was the spell.

Um,

oh, mother, he's done it.

I'm so proud of you, son.

And look, look, what else?

And Rick just moves his left hand, and there was another chipmunk under there, and there's like a

pink glow

and that chipmunk is healed.

Your spell that Rictus Ravenwood IV possesses

since this moment and practiced onward is Wither and Bloom.

Specifically, a slightly weaker homebrew version of Wither and Bloom in the first level, as you are all level one wizards as we begin the game.

Your mother looks confused.

Your father leans down and picks up this chipmunk that you just brought back to life.

And he says,

oh,

Rick, just what is what is this?

Well, so you were talking about the life dispersing, and that seemed like a bit of a waste.

And so I thought if I could take from there and give to there, it would like balance it a little bit more.

Somna

faints and then stands up and then faints a second time.

And then she climbs up

back onto the desk and says, Balance?

It is not our family's job to be concerned with balance

by ensuring the death and entropy of these lands.

We are balancing.

Life is not our domain, Rictus.

You must forget this part of this spell and just kind of do the first half.

But it's that possible.

We'll practice that 500 times doing just the murder and none of the bringing back to life stuff.

But it's it's connected, right?

Because like the the you know, like he dies and would fertilize the thing, right?

And then grows.

So this way.

Somna faints in the middle of your explanation.

Your father, the baron, faints too, like sees it, sees her faint.

Do the ghosts faint?

All but your great-grandfather, his ghost, who you think like nods at you, but his ghost is so small right now.

It's so old.

And as we all all know, as ghosts get older, they shrink down and get smaller.

Yeah.

Your father stands up and says, okay.

We will continue practicing this.

I'll call in some of our some of our experts in the field.

I think we had a great grand uncle once whose magic was also a little weird.

So I could find his body and reanimate him, ask him five questions, the huge.

And

listen, Sport, um, it is a little bit weird.

We usually only kill and not revive, and we have a certain reputation to uphold, and the barony has a reputation to uphold, but it's nothing to worry about.

I will ensure that your little snafu gets uh ironed out.

Uh, but let's not go ahead and cast that anymore until we figure this thing out together together as a family.

Isn't that right, Mother?

She's still asleep.

Yes, so remember, it's a secret.

Your senses return, Rictus, and you are back, sitting in the first trial chamber.

The statue that resembles this seven-year-old version of you that you just saw begins to rumble as its right arm slowly descends, extending its hand out in front of you, and from the walls of the room, that voice calls out again and says,

aspirant

by your participation in the conclave you wager the very magic that brought you to our doors should you claim victory your power will grow an unimaginable magnitude if you agree to these terms grasp the hand of your effigy

So if I win, then I get more magic, and if I lose, my magic goes away

you understand the terms yes more magic is a reductive way of referring to the power that you will be afforded should you win

we prefer mega magic but servo super ducko magic the only trademarkable one was uber magic

but you have to do an um lot or you'll get sued by uber

it's uber magic what do you do Rictus?

Rictus thinks for a second and then,

like half under his breath,

seems win-win

and grabs the hand.

Is that what he's supposed to do?

Yes, you grasp the hand of your effigy, this cold hand before you, and a silent moment passes, and then those black onyx eyes begin to rattle before emitting a blinding flash of brilliant light.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing and that's for me to get the smalls out dad we don't know how to

you know they love the smooth bird dad we want our smooth bird we can have jobs

we can't buy our own food we don't know how to order things dad we're so scared we're cats and we've gained complete uh human intelligence what's happening where are we yeah Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.

And it's delivered right to your door.

And cats.com named it their best overall cat food.

And get this, after switching to smalls, 88% of cat owners report overall health improvements for smalls food that's a big deal

for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that justin i was really proud of that sorry trav that was great thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash adventure hey this week we're coming to sorry to interrupt i just kind of burst in okay yeah sorry hey i'm also sorry i'm also sorry and i'm here and i'm interrupting too if you're coming to uh uh our shows this week in san antonio and austin thank you if you're not already planning on coming why not we want to see you there we need you there join the website it's so great yeah if you're coming to the show and you want to have a question you uh you got a question you want answered you want a fear read aloud we got you email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line.

In Austin, and also doing what trap?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, new month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years i know where this has ended up but no no you would be wrong we're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing yeah you don't even really know how crypto works The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Justin.

Yes, Griffin.

Ready yourself.

I'm prepared.

I'm ready to pretend.

Brace your ass for imagination.

In a separate but identical trial chamber, you release the enormous hand of your stone effigy.

Having agreed to its first condition, its arm raises back up to cross its chest, and then the entire figure begins to rumble as the column into which it is etched slowly rotates as it grinds to a halt.

You see a different figure is now facing the chair in which you sit, a chair that you still don't quite trust to fully support your considerable frame.

This figure also resembles you, not from your distant past, but as you are today.

Justin, please describe and introduce,

and I saw this name for the first time this morning, Loravith, Dream Wanderer, Gonjabon.

Well, technically, Loravith, Gonjabon, Dream Wanderer.

It's just the way the sheet mixes it up.

So what's one Mo again, please?

Loravith,

Dream Wanderer, Gonjabon.

Well, wait, you just said Dream Wanderer is the last name.

So, Loravith,

Dream Wanderer, Gonjabon.

That's what we're settling with.

Yes, we're going with this.

Yes.

You want Gonjabon to be last name, or do you want Dream Wanderer to be last name?

Well,

I think it's more appropriate for looking at Goliath culture for Dreamwanderer to be the middle name.

Okay.

Gonjabon's the last name.

Yes.

Are you stuck with, are you settled on Loraveth being the first name?

You could be Gonjabon, Lorovith, Dream Wand.

Oh, no, Loraveth is first.

Okay, great.

Fantastic.

Okay, describe your Goliath wizard for us, please.

Yeah.

Loraveth is approximately seven feet tall.

Looks kind of like Tom Hardy, but

a lot grayer.

And got

markings on his skin.

Goliath have these

skin modelings.

Some people mistake for tattoos, but it's just more akin to like a birthmark.

And it's just a

and he's wearing some leather armor.

Pretty simple, but well, you could tell it's well used.

It's been through a lot.

And yeah,

that's his story.

What kind of, I don't know what Goliath age looks like.

So I guess not a specific number, but what sort of era of his life?

He would look to be

someone in the sort of later prime of his life.

He's not a

young guy, but he still seems full of

vim and vicar.

Okay.

And Tom Hardy, I do just want to make clear, is five foot nine.

So, okay, so like a huge Tom Hardy.

So, like, if you can use the power of your imagination for a second to imagine a big Tom Hardy,

dude, I mean, I'm not sure.

Grab the corner of the Tom Hardy, grab the corner of your Tom Hardy window, and just like hold shift, just hold control T to trans.

Yeah,

you don't actually have to control anymore in Photoshop 25.

Okay.

It defaults.

Okay.

It's like, I'm just giving you a type, man.

Tall Hardy.

I get it.

I love it.

It's good.

Tall Hardy.

You look up at the face of your giant white marble figure.

Having just explored

your past, the moment of your power's arrival, you hear that voice rumble through the walls again.

It says, The Arch Wizards of the Octave, thank you for revealing to us the events that shaped your past.

Now,

we would ask you to show us your present.

Your life, as you know it now in the days leading up to your arrival at this conclave, if you consent to this request, gaze into the eyes of the statue before you, as before, should you deny our terms.

The door to the outside world will be opened for your retreat.

What do you do?

I go for it.

Yeah, no hesitation.

You look upward and look into these eyes and see the onyx begin to become very cloudy.

I ask you, you, do you resist or do you give into this psychic spell that is being cast?

I give into the psychic spell.

I'm not fighting it at all.

Great.

Your senses are consumed once again.

The eight archwizards of the octave are the supreme power of the fold in more ways than one.

From their mighty floating ziggurat in the sky, they police the use of magic of the world, sharing whatever wisdom they decide the inhabitants of the lands below are ready for.

They are are a secluded lot, never revealing themselves to the lesser wizards of the fold, but legend of their comprehensive grasp of all magics are known by all.

The conclave is held once every few generations when one of the eight members of the octave resigns.

The details of what happens during a conclave are unknown to any living person.

Similarly unpredictable is the date that a conclave would be called, given the octave's general elusiveness.

Loraveth, I want you to describe what your day looked like the day that you received your invitation to the conclave.

A little slice of what just a normal day looked like before sort of everything changed.

Okay.

There are four stumps, and they're in a quadrant, a big square, probably

about 10 yards separating each one.

Loraveth stands on a

smaller stump about six inches off the ground.

There are other Goliath perched on the other stumps

in a sort of like quadrant around him.

He is standing with both hands extended out and a Goliath across from him,

who we know to be Norin,

holds a big ball in the air and is getting ready to chuck it.

at Lorvith.

Okay.

I don't know what's going on, but let's...

We're playing goat ball.

Goat ball, wonderful.

Yeah.

Goat ball, goat ball.

Wonderful.

Let's

get a.

Are you trying to hit this?

But what's gonna happen?

You tell me what the intention is to happen next.

I think it would be fun to roll for sports just to really get this season started off on the right foot.

I'm ready, Noran.

At any moment, toss the ball.

I'm ready.

It's been your sixth, sixth attempt.

Sixth attempt in a row, Noran.

Please give me the glory of a seventh catch.

I'm definitely going to hit you with it this time.

You're attempting.

So, go ball.

We're attempting.

It's like a dodgeball kind of deal.

Okay.

So you're attempting to catch it or get pegged, but don't fall off.

Okay, I got you.

Let me try that again then.

Never mind.

I forgot the rules.

Get ready to get pegged.

He's going to launch it at you.

Maybe just a first t-shirt.

I think a dexterity saving throw or perhaps just athletics, right?

This is a sport.

It's a sport.

I would say athletics, actually.

Okay.

That's actually what I think you would actually roll in the rules for goat ball success.

It says that.

I'll show you some maps later if you want to do it.

Nine plus three is 12.

With a 12, you are able to

grab this ball out of the air.

You sense that he didn't throw full strength because he's still not 100% sure what the rules of goat ball are.

And I sympathize with Norin on that.

You now have the ball.

A fine attempt, Norin!

A fine attempt.

And I out!

No, no, no, no, no, Norin, now, now, Norin.

Now I get my chance

at an unprecedented 10th victory.

And then I'm going to chuck it not at Norin.

Oh, fuck.

But to the left

at Zapoff.

Shit.

Oh, never.

I never seen that classic.

Oh, it's so good.

My, oh, my, we didn't see this one coming.

We're going to roll and see how Zapath does.

I mean, Zapath gets an 18.

Okay, but I'm going to need advantage because Zapath was not expecting that.

I set up the whole thing.

That's a fair point.

You get a round of surprise on Zapath as he tries to dodge out of the way with his athletics check,

which is just a nine, sadly.

Zapath goes, Han, did you say

why is the ball so hard?

Zapa food picanala camune, you have embarrassed your tribe.

All right, man, it's just goat ball.

He gets off his stump and walks away.

I'm out, right?

As you are playing this game of goat ball,

you hear a rustling in

the trees just outside of the clearing where the goat ball field is set up.

And you see a team of

non-Goliath

human elf, half-elf wizards in school garb.

And some of them are holding what look like bats in their hands.

There's some

balls with weird holes in them.

And you see

a figure approach you wearing one of these uniforms and he says

I'm terribly sorry Loravith but it is time for

softball league I will need you and your friends to please clear off the field

of course actually the challenge of this was becoming a rather disappointing

yes

I need you actually to speak with the groundskeeper.

We've been doing some remodeling, some renovations,

and so we're moving some stuff around.

And so unfortunately, we will need to move the goat ball field a little bit deeper into Spider-Fang Hollow to make room for the new library wing.

You

retrieve the ball and stand back on your stump.

Noran says,

can I just get out, get myself out?

Because it looked like you really hurt Zapath with the ball, and I'm not trying to...

Zapath was only hurt because Zapath did not catch it.

If Zapan had caught it, Zapan would have the valor today.

Okay, but it did look painful, and I

actually, well, and then I tossed the ball.

All right.

No, just kidding.

Noran, this is a fun.

We're having fun here.

The game is.

The game is over.

Oh, okay.

I won.

So when I say the victory, I won the goat ball game with the last attack I did.

Okay.

Congratulations for me.

You look over on the fourth stump at Gracon Root Picker, the closest thing you have to a rival here in your Goliath tribe.

Gracon, did you see?

Yeah, brother Agvek, his record has been shattered by Laura Vith, Dreamwanderer Gonjaban.

Yes, I'm sure you feel very accomplished.

Beaning Zapath,

a Goliath that a human child could defeat in goat ball if they were large enough to lift the goat ball.

I would have tossed it your way, Gracon, but I would have been too worried about shattering your delicate bones.

Well,

are you challenging Gracon?

Sorry.

Very well.

Gracon

is a bit bigger than you are.

How magical are the Goliaths?

Like I said, every sort of like being.

Right, so Goliath are obviously like physically pretty dominant.

Right.

And so they they do not, as a rule, tend to go into the magical arts, I think, or focus on that.

I think that for the Goliath in this world, I think that the ones who have focused on their talents and tried to work on them are the ones who...

for whom it could have some practical purpose for the tribe, something that they could do to help.

A handful maybe of people on your tribe do.

I feel that.

Yeah.

And I feel like for some, it's maybe more of like a novelty, you know what I mean, or something, or like not even a big part of their day-to-day lives.

Um,

Grecon says, I'm terribly sorry, Lorluvith, you did besmirch my pride with that comment.

Uh, and now it is my terms through which we shall uh put this grief aside.

I'm afraid I need you to return to your stump

for a

sudden death lightning round of goat ball

it would be my honor gracon and i slap him on the shoulder as hard as i can and and head on over okay uh

he uh takes the goat ball from norin who then just like runs off into the brush um crying gracon what's that crying

um

check for crying roll for crying no i don't think golias don't cry oh wow yeah and it's like a real problem in the whole society.

Pretty toxic.

Grikon

takes the goat ball up

and rears back to toss it in your direction.

He hums it, but good.

Grikon is a big, beefy fellow.

What do you do?

I am.

I mean, I'm going to roll athletics against it.

Okay.

It's like literally all I can do.

Oh, my gosh.

What a moment.

What a a moment.

That's two plus three, five.

The goat ball smashes

into your face.

Your hands are just a little bit too slow and you go wobbling backwards off of the stump.

And

you take two points of bludgeoning damage.

Can you imagine?

Your friend throwing a ball at you so hard it one-fifth killed you?

I mean, can you even imagine

seven feet tall and your friend throws the ball at you so hard, you're a fifth more dead.

Yeah, when I have this idea of like, what if it was a battle royale season all wizards starting at level one?

And then I looked at your guys' HP and I was like, this maybe was a bad idea.

We are made of gelatin.

You are gelatin, boys.

As the ball kind of rolls to a halt next to you,

Gracon yells, I am not yet satisfied.

It is your ball, Laura Vill.

Excellent.

All right, I've returned to my post.

Okay.

See, Goliath is very competitive, but cheating or any sort of like trickery or anything would be super

out of line.

So I'm not trying to like reinvent the wheel here.

I just got to keep taking my chances.

That's a one.

That's actually

a one that I rolled there.

You

this was not supposed to be a defining moment for this character, but it's like he's he's now failed so badly now.

It feels like a trajectory, like some path of destiny has been forged here by his terrible, terrible inability to beat Gurgan at GoPa.

He catches the ball effortlessly.

And you put all the mustard on it that you could handle.

He sighs and says,

sorry, this is just not sporting.

It's not doing it for me.

Perhaps just a normal normal battle would suffice.

And he holds up

a hand towards the sky.

And as he does so, a chunk of earth rips out of the ground.

And he says, Let's see if you can catch this.

And he hurls it at you.

Cool.

Okay, excellent.

I will cast lightning lure.

to create a lash of energy that strikes one creature in front of my choice that I can see within 15 feet.

I'm going to use lightning lure to try to deflect deflect the stone.

Are you aiming at the stone or are you aiming at Gracon?

I'm aiming at the stone.

Okay, cool.

Make your attack roll here.

Okay.

Or is this a save situation?

Maybe I could just be against, maybe the roll is against Gracon, but the, you know, yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah, okay.

Gracon will

try and make this strength save.

We're trying to beat strength 12.

That is a

nine.

Your lightning lure.

What's it look like?

It's like a

looks almost like a wisp of frost, like

a breath that you exhale when it's really cold with more ice crystals in it, and it kind of crackles with what could only be described as a dark electricity.

People have tried to describe it a different way.

People want me to describe it as a cold electricity.

But it's impossible.

You can't try it.

Some things are more than words.

Some things you really have to see.

Honestly, Griffin, my words can't do a judgment justice.

I won't even try.

You have to see it to believe it.

It's like trying to describe like a sixth dimension, Griffin.

Sure, my mind can't possibly.

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

This is what

no, no, not to the blue corn cliff moon.

Have I heard the wolf cry?

Your lightning lure whips through the rock, splitting it dramatically.

The two lobes of this chunk of earth roll to either side of you.

As you prepare a counter or to brace yourself, as Gracon leaps off of his stump, the battle, which has now drawn quite a crowd, is interrupted by a discordant, eight-toned horn.

sounding from above and all Goliath eyes look upward to the flying island with the octave ziggurat on it.

It is blocking out the sun, casting a shadow over the Goliath village here.

And surrounding this floating island, 64 pinpricks of light appear in the sky over the structure, whirling in a circle around the island before dispersing and falling to the ground like meteorites.

And Lorivith, you see an eight-sided crystal soar towards where you are standing.

And as it approaches,

you're holding your breath, you see it zooming towards you before curving at the very last second to land in the hands of Gracon, root picker.

And he looks down at it, looks up at you, and just bellows a big, hearty laugh.

He says,

Perhaps we should put our petty squabbles aside.

It would seem the gods have chosen the victor for us.

So, what happens then?

I mean, I'm just watching.

You got this crazy crystal.

I'm on, I'm on pins and needles over here, Griff.

The crowd assembled walks forward

and they begin to peer at Gracon

to some sort of kneeling.

This is a momentous occasion.

And then there is a whizzing sound that cuts across the crowd.

And instinctively, because of the goat ball you've been playing, you reach up your hand and catch an identical crystal from the sky.

And Gracon looks up at you with shock

and

a little bit of malice.

Well, Gracon, it seems you've spared the lamenters the work of exiling you.

He stands and says.

Fuck you, dude.

Here's what he says.

He says, come back, because Morvis says, first of the conclave wins.

No, wait, hold on.

It's not for two days.

You take off running towards the meeting point described on the crystal.

And now

this scene, whatever magic is sort of like going through your memories of the past few days, it zooms forwards leading up to your ferrying across the crystalline still waters of Loch Reach, where the octave Ziggurat and its artificial surrounding island had sort of temporarily docked.

And

this vision goes through

the moment you sort of passed through these 64 stone archways carved into the underside of the island.

And then through you're passing through this padded door,

sitting down beside your stone effigy, exploring your past.

And then you have the like really disorienting feeling as your memories catch up to the present moment, leaving you back in the seat, facing your marble doppelganger as it slowly extends its hand and you hear the voice say,

Aspirant,

by your participation in the conclave, you abandon the world and its ways as you know them.

Within these walls, truths concerning the fundamental underpinnings of the fold itself will be illuminated to you.

You will never again walk the world in the manner you are accustomed after understanding the world in this way.

If you agree to these terms, grasp the hand of your effigy.

May I say one thing first?

Go right ahead.

Gracon was extremely lucky that day.

I want it made clear.

Eight out of nine times I would have caught both of those.

He was extremely lucky, and there was a great deal of sun.

There's a pause.

You hear...

Should you have chosen other memories, you would have seen a much different scene.

This is all I wish to say.

That voice pauses for a moment, and then you hear it say,

It shall be very exciting to watch the two of you squash your beef.

That's what he says?

That's exactly what he says.

He says, squash your beef.

Yeah, but that's like a Goliath term.

It's like not, it doesn't, it literally means like hitting each other's meat.

Like it doesn't mean what it means to meaty mint slappy minky smash and beef smash and earth colored meat

What do you do?

The statue's hand is sort of stretched out in front of you asking you to agree to these terms

I give it a big meaty firm handshake.

Okay you reach forward and grasp the the stony hand before you and a silent moment passes and then those black onyx eyes begin to rattle and again emit a blinding flash of light.

Dad!

Mm-hmm.

In yet another separate but identical trial chamber, you release the hand-like appendage of your stone effigy,

having now agreed to its first two conditions.

And once again, the statue's arm grinds back upwards over its chest as the column at the center of the room rotates, revealing a final version of you.

And this one is sort of the most startling.

It is an older version of you, but not like

worn down and weary-looking, you know, how some people get when they get a little bit older.

Do you know what I mean?

No, do you know?

I have no idea.

Do you know what I mean by that, no?

Sometimes, Dad, as the body ages, the light leaves the eye.

Yes,

that is the stem, the vigor is gone.

I choose not to accept that inevitability.

Okay.

That's good.

That's good.

You're talking about me, Dad.

You're talking about me.

Okay, thank you for being very kind.

Thank you.

Yeah, I see.

Okay, I see it.

This is

not a frail version of yourself.

This is,

in many ways, this is you perfected.

You see carved onto your body are robes etched with these meticulously drawn runes.

One thing about this particular effigy stands out.

While the statue is still carved of white marble, like the others with the onyx eyes, it is also wearing what looks like a gauntlet of finely woven leather that reaches up past its elbow-like joint.

A real gauntlet, not a part of the carving.

I keep saying like a hand-like and elbow-like because the figure you're sitting before is distinctly not human.

So, Dad, can you describe Hellgrammat and introduce your character, please?

Yeah.

Hellgrammat is a Thrykeene, an insectoid race.

Walks on two legs, has

two regular arms and then two smaller arms beneath them.

He also has a tail, like a scorpion, like a scorpion stinger.

He is, uh, he has, of course, a carapace.

Is it chitin or chitin?

I guess it's chititan.

I always say chitin, and I've never bothered to look up if that's okay.

But I say that word a lot on this show in particular, and I don't think it's one of the many things I've been corrected on.

It's iridescent, it's kind of like

depending on how the light hits it, kind of orange or gold.

There's a little bit of green in there.

And,

you know, big, great big eyes, couple of antenna, mandibles.

Love it.

Of course.

Instead of a mouth.

You've got to have the mandibles.

That's mandatory mandibles.

Yeah, sure.

That's why they're called.

And he is one of the Scritch, which is

kind of the colony of Thrikeen that he belongs to.

Amazing.

And which one of those aspects, Dad, gives you heroic inspiration to start this episode?

Oh, don't get it twisted.

Oh, he does have heroic inspiration.

I see that you've marked it on your sheet.

You made a character so good.

You're like, I kicked so much ass.

I'm going to give myself a point of inspiration.

He's inspired himself.

I don't know what you're talking about.

There's no intra-heroic inspiration on there.

That's so great.

Okay, Hellgrammat.

You look up to this carving of your perfected sort of insectoid form,

and you hear that voice rumble through the walls once again, and it says.

The octave thanks you sincerely for your vulnerability in these matters.

You have but one more vision to face before concluding the trial of divination and...

well, this one's everyone's favorite.

It is a vision of one possible future.

The one that awaits you atop the Ziggorot, should you outlast your three score and three competitors.

If you consent to receive this vision, gaze into the eyes of the statue before you.

The exit is also available, but you'd be off your nut to leave at this point.

What do you do?

That's not your voice, right?

No.

I thought, Dad, you have to understand when you told me that you're playing

Insector Thrikeen, and you were like, get ready.

I thought when you went,

that was the voice you had chosen for the character for the whole season.

And I got real nervous about it.

But no, that would be very difficult.

Sure.

I think Hellgram is very hesitant.

He's not that trusting a soul, but eventually he does look into the eyes.

And do you resist the psychic force that you feel

upon you?

In for a penny, in for a pound.

No.

Okay.

Bring it on, Haas.

You look up into the eyes of your effigy, and

you are somewhere very far away now.

This world, the fold, is

defined by its magical abundance.

It is a place where everyone, to some extent, possesses some supernatural thing that nobody else can do.

You, hell grammat, like every other aspirant here,

you are familiar with the flavor of magic, like what it feels like to break some

physical rule of reality.

In the vision you are experiencing, where you have

claimed victory in the conclave and become one of the all-powerful octave.

This vision you are feeling, it is not this usual flavor of magic you know.

This is something completely different.

You feel a touch of godhood.

And right away,

you have the thought that

this vision is making the power that you wield, the spell that you have sort of practiced furiously, feel pointless and insignificant uh it is a trick and this is not a trick or like a repertoire of tricks this is a

a communion with the primal energies of magic you can quite literally do anything hellgrammit you've just won the conclave what do you do

hellgrammut uh returns

to the scritch returns to the colony from whence he came.

There are

just like describe where the scritch live.

Is it a hive situation?

Is it a

hive?

More of, it's almost like

an anthill.

It's, I mean, it's massive, and he goes into the tunnels.

There are all these different chambers.

As we'll find out, this is where he got his start,

just as one of the lowly

worker scrits tending to the eggs in the nursery.

They were called the ble,

these workers.

So he was one of the ble.

Okay.

Do you have to say it like that?

Ble.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Yeah.

Ble.

But now,

seething with power as he walks through the tunnels and the passageways,

the other

scritch are drawn to him.

Oh, for sure, dude.

For some mysterious just kind of follow him.

I mean, not for some mysterious reason.

I should make this clear.

You are now one of the octave.

You are one of the eight arch wizards of the realm.

You are

not strictly a god, but I think thought of very much as a

conduit to

some sort of divine magical power.

And the fact that a Thrykeen has won the conclave, it is like, I mean,

it's the end end of a Star Wars movie in here.

There's jubilation and

fireworks and instruments made out of mushrooms and shit.

People are very excited about your return.

So

he actually,

followed by this mob,

walks into the chamber of the queen.

Huge, great big, gigantic chamber.

And the queen is being tended to by smaller Scritch,

you know, fussing over her.

And

Hellgrima walks right up to her, but then turns his back on her

and addresses the crowd and says,

Brethren and sister

Scritch,

I come before you a changed individual.

I am here seething with power, with magic, lots and lots of it, like a buttload of magic.

And I feel it is time for the Scritch

to attain their place in this world.

I

am going to share

this magic with all of you.

I am going to elevate your power and we can take our place

as a mighty race.

But

before

we can do that,

I must have the mandate of all the Skritch.

And to gain this mandate,

and he turns back to face the queen

and says,

We must overthrow the matriarchy

and make me

the king of the scritch.

Without sweating your intrusion here and the mob that has formed the queen of the scritch, the brood mother,

a massive sort of indeterminate insect,

queen larvosa,

gestures towards you and says,

seize him.

And suddenly,

a moment later, there are a dozen soldier ants, all wielding spears, all wearing the armor of their defeated insect enemies.

They all charge you and try to hold you still with their spears.

What do you do?

I am going to repulse them.

Actually, I'm going to incapacitate them.

I don't want to kill anybody.

Well, what spells does he have at

his command?

You can do anything.

You have control over all magic that has ever or will ever exist.

We don't need to stick to 5e rules here if you don't want to.

Or if you want to showcase your talent or whatever,

this is, this is an opportunity for you to do whatever the fuck you want.

I am not going to worry about.

Make water.

Isaiah, and I am going to turn to all these soldiers and mentally command them.

Put down your weapons and stay your hands.

There is no resistance at all.

They all

drop their spears.

I wish not to use this power on the rest of you.

I want you to come to me willingly.

Throw off the mantle of being drones

and rise with me, friends.

Um, a little are you with me?

A little flea man raises his hand.

Um, uh,

sorry, um, aren't you mind-controlling them right now?

Which is kind of like drone, drone business.

Um, I wish not to control you, my wee friend.

I want you to come to me willingly, and if you say yay, you

will be the first of my converts.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

Oh, you're in.

Let's go, baby.

You're in.

He hops forward.

Juice me up.

What's your name?

Tyler.

It truly is a bug's life.

Tyler Flea.

What about the rest of you?

What about the rest of you?

I'm David.

I'm Ralph.

David.

I didn't mean

to.

I'm Godzilla.

Stop fighting the DZ rules.

They all approach.

I mean,

this mob was following you at first with like

almost sort of fan-like fervor, and now it has definitely morphed into something else.

They see

this flea man supplicate himself to you and how thoroughly you have controlled all these soldier ants.

And like everyone just walks forward and is just trying to sort of touch the hem of your garment

and

Larvosa from the the dais on which she is sort of settled she laughs and she says

hell grammat

hell grammat

once again

controlling the bugs

Your society that you plan to build is not a righteous one, hell grammet you only know control.

Only know how to control the bugs.

This is no ant farm, Hellgrammat.

So you do not willingly surrender

the crown to me, am I correct?

Make an intimidation check, and I will give you advantage because you're a god man bug.

Use your inspiration, Dan.

Use your baroque inspiration.

Well, there's 11

and there is a 20, a dirty 20.

Dirty 20, okay.

She

reaches up with one of her many long, spindly limbs and plucks the crown off of her head.

And

she starts to hand it towards you, and then she says,

Would you show me one last time

the

infestation, Elgrim?

Well, yes,

as a matter of fact,

I will.

And he concentrates, and from his hand comes a swarm of

smaller insects kind of swirling around, hovering in his hand, like a mini tornado of these

mites.

She looks up at it, fascinated, and

she slides the crown over to your feet.

And then she looks up at you, Hellgrammat.

And

it is very strange because you to some extent know that you are having this vision, that you are seated in a room in the past

and just sort of like witnessing this event.

But as she looks at you, Hellgrammat, you get the sense that she is looking at you,

looking at this.

You get the sense that she is staring intently at the you that is seated in this room of

the trial of divination.

And she says,

You could have been anything,

and you chose this.

and

you gasp and regain your senses as you break eye contact with your perfect effigy and the voice calls out and says aspirant

by your participation in the conclave

you invite death's shadow to fall upon you

You are extraordinarily likely to perish during these oncoming trials

You may lose your life.

But what is that worth

now that you know what your life could be?

If you agree to these final terms, grasp the hand-like appendage of your effigy.

He immediately grabs it right away, no hesitation.

As suddenly as you grasp it,

there is no flash of those Onyx eyes as was the case during those first two sort of agreements.

Instead,

just as quickly as you grab the hand, the effigy's hand grabs yours.

The stony fingers wrap around

your palm and the leather straps that make up this gauntlet that your effigy is wearing begin slithering like snakes off of its arm and onto your arm, starting to sort of weave and reform this padded glove and these woven bindings tightly around your wrist and your forearm.

And then

you see a round leather plate rear up over your elbow.

And as it does so, it reveals a thin metal probe on its underside.

And the way that it is reared back, the way this needle is glistening, it is

quite similar to a scorpion getting ready to sting and

it slams down into your elbow and your ulnar nerve, your funny bone, lights up like a Christmas tree and you lose consciousness immediately.

When the three of you awaken, you are lying face up on a soft carpet carpet of grass, peering upward at a cloudy afternoon sky.

As you rise, you see your fellow aspirants

coming to all around you.

64 wizards lie in a semicircle on the central lawn of the Ziggurat, all facing the building's central structure.

It is a tiered fortress, 100 yards wide, built from smooth gray stone that curves and slopes at inscrutable angles.

As you marvel at your proximity to this place, the very seat of the fold's magic, you also notice, as you sort of glance in your periphery, that the island is no longer floating in the waters of Loch Reach.

It apparently took flight during your slumber.

The island is sailing through the air.

And remembering your slumber, you inspect your arm where indeed a leather gauntlet has been fastened quite snugly.

It's a beautiful, beautifully crafted piece of light armor with one strange feature.

On the back of the glove is a hard plate dotted with these metal-ringed holes.

And you identify them as mounts or settings for gemstones, which is a conclusion that you all draw as you realize that one of these holes has already been filled with a cloudy white stone about the size of a strawberry.

You look up from your gauntlets as a door slams open from one of the higher tiers of the ziggurat, and all sixty-four heads snap to attention as eight figures file out.

The eight archwizards of the octave hold court above you all, and a bald, wispy man, clearly the eldest of the group, steps forward to the edge of the tier, and his regalia is just flapping in the wind, and he says,

Welcome, aspirants.

I am first Octave Ocean, and I am pleased to welcome you properly to the conclave.

As I look around me, I feel a great peace knowing my replacement shall be chosen from such a capable assembly of mages.

All sixty-four of you have passed the trial of divination, as is customary for these conclaves.

You have all agreed to the terms and conditions of this contest,

as has every wizard who has ever been invited here.

But now it is time for the second trial to begin, and this one,

historically,

is unpleasant for our aspirants.

We have arrived at the moment where our warnings become manifest, and the wheel meets the road.

You must steal yourselves, wizards.

Your very survival depends upon it.

And immediately, Ocean is silhouetted in bright red light as the clouds far above the Ziggurat explode outward in a circle, forming these concentric rings of clouds across the sky, like ripples following a stone's throw into a lake.

And right where the clouds burst from,

you see a fireball the size of a city block emerge and begin to fall in your direction.

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