Sexy Battle Wizards: Live in Raleigh!

Uh come in, come in in in AC Rangers.

This is W Cecily thickbody

It was touch and go that was Cecily.

Can you hear me?

Come in with Cecily.

No, yes, Todric.

It's W Cecily.

I've told you this many times, and yes, I can hear you.

Good, Was Cecily.

This is Todrick Bethesda calling.

Yes, I know.

I said your name.

I hear you and the Rangers have a bit of a situation down there in new new Arcanium City.

Hey, Todrick, it's completely under control.

We do not need you, or it's completely fine.

Do not worry about it, okay?

Well, fear not.

I'm sending you some help.

No, I please don't do that, Todrick.

I don't need help.

Now, now, Was Cesali, you know that there's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it.

No, but that's what I said.

I don't need it.

Todrick, I don't need help.

Was Cecily, fear no more,

because I'm sending you.

Please don't do this, please.

The sexy battle wizards.

Hey everybody, welcome to the adventure zone

Sexy Battle Wizards.

I am trying to come with a baby.

There is no better name.

Damn straight.

Okay, I'm your game master.

We are playing Sexy Battle Wizards by Grant Howitt.

And hey, listen, at this point, Grant Howitt is basically

in the past designing one-shots for the adventure series.

It's really quite amazing.

So, pagereon.com/slash

GS Howitt.

I was about to do that, and then you did it.

And that's just no, it's good.

It's a great thing to be on the same wavelength.

Hey, introduce your characters, but we're gonna start with Griffin.

Okay, oh

spicy.

I

am Gandilf.

No further explanation needed.

Shame has asked me on the elevator ride up here, what's the vibe of your character like?

And I said...

Magneto.

A lot like Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings films.

Oh.

Dad, introduce your sexy battle wizard.

I'm Lich Buchanan.

You have to explain that.

Yeah, you actually do need...

I'm a sexy, undead wizard from the city's sewer system.

Wait, that's news to me.

Hold on.

Okay, go on.

It'll come up.

But that doesn't explain your costume, Clint.

Nothing, nothing.

It has been explained.

He didn't have time to get a costume.

This is a live show.

Right.

We will have approximately 100 minutes to weave a tapestry here.

Right.

Leaving gaps in the map right now seems like a...

Listen, into the Spider-Verse, they didn't explain everything.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

They let things unfold.

That's fine.

And Justin, do you want to introduce your character?

Yeah.

I told my daughter if she cleaned her room, she could make up my character and pick his outfit.

This is 100% true.

This is not a big truth.

But wait, there you go.

So I'll be portraying

Majesto the Sexiest.

And he is a naked man.

Now,

originally my costume design was

that's it.

And Sydney talked her into the skin-colored trunks.

So this is actually a conservative take on Majesto, the sexiest, from where he could have been.

Are you ready to begin?

Yeah.

Yep.

Oh, wait.

I forgot to say one thing about my character, if I may.

I know we're about to.

These are his Voidblades.

Obviously.

And while, yes, they can be joined into one blade, I've sworn to never do it because

it would be too, the cost would be too great and the drama too severe.

Now, you all remember that.

I'm sure it won't.

And no matter what.

No.

All right.

Do not.

Join notes together.

It would be horrible.

So, so

there stands the leader of the new, new Arcanium City Rangers, W.

Cecily Thickbody.

She's just finished radioing her own Rangers to say we have the situation completely under control.

When three representatives, I got to make sure I get the name of the school right.

Let me look it up.

Okay, there it is.

Three representatives from Todrick Bethesda's School for Arcane Wonderment and Rizardry.

Oof.

Rizardry?

I want to give credit to one of the moderators on my Twitch channel, Chess, who I was like, I want a thing about charisma, but I'm not sure.

And Chess was like, Rizardry.

It's very good.

Very good.

Riz or dry.

Brilliant.

Griffin is explaining the term to Mac.

Okay.

Okay.

And now, Dad, if you could just slide one of those my way real quick.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Your prayers are answered.

No?

Sorry.

I need to not lead with that because some people think I'm doing a Moses thing.

So,

your representatives from the school, welcome.

I'm W.

Cecilie Thickbody.

You're all looking very sexy today.

And to you.

Thank you.

And also unto you.

I'm cheap with the religious stuff.

I am super sorry.

Yeah, really.

What seems to be the problem?

Nope, no problem.

There were some undead lizard folk.

They were raised by Salamandra and Lizzardo.

Salamandra and Lizardo Scalix, the evil wizards.

Sexy evil wizard.

Of course.

Yes.

And their half-sexy, half-evil, half-brother Newt.

They raised the undead lizard folk, but then we magicked like a hedge kind of wall.

around it containing them and the magic that is animating these undead lizard folk will dissipate at sunrise so it's all taken care of you all can go away okay yes

no wait

we'll take it from here

take what the clues

the what the clues I'm sorry I have never heard this person speak before

I haven't either.

I'm very surprised.

Yeah.

Are you surprised?

Because I'm a naked man.

Nope.

That's actually not uncommon.

All right.

Some people get a little freaked out.

Okay.

Anyways, everything's fine.

We don't need any of Todrick Bethesda's people in here messing things up, destroying property.

Okay.

What?

We'll see you.

Nope.

Well, now hold on.

Oh.

How the tides have turned.

No, wait.

I thought you meant we'll see you like you thought I was leaving.

Sorry.

Sorry, I thought I.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Okay.

We'll take it from here.

Thank you so much.

I can't stress enough.

Take what from where?

I make just

a picture, a little picture of me appear in my hand as an illusion.

And he says, we'll take it from here.

Okay, Griffin, make a wizard roll.

So in Sexy Battle Wizard, you have three stats, Sexy Battle, and Wizard.

And Griffin, what is your wizard score?

Three.

So Griffin's going to roll three D6s.

This is a pretty simple illusion, so I'm going to set the difficulty of four.

I got two sixes.

Damn, dude.

Yes.

And you know what?

He makes an even littler Gandilf in his hand.

Boop, boop, boop.

And you know what, Griffin you see something shift in W Cecily's eyes just for a moment

okay oh

damn it

I do like miniature miniature illusion it's a great bit

it is a good bit hold on let me put this away

You gotta squoosh him every time.

I don't know why.

Every time?

Every single time.

Do they remember?

He does.

I've honestly never asked.

Let me ask him.

Hold on.

Not again.

Hey, do you all remember when every time?

Oh, that sucks.

Oh, God.

Okay, but listen, we have the undead.

The entrance is over there, but please don't go through the entrance.

We have it taken care of.

We don't need any intervention from the wizards from the school, okay?

I get it.

It's one of those.

Then.

One of what?

Why did you wink?

Discretion.

We're all winking all the time.

I can keep it quiet.

You won't even know we're there.

All right, I'm going to start striding over.

Enough talking.

What?

No.

I'm going to start striding towards this cave.

I'm going to get a look at the cave.

What?

The entrance in the hedgeways.

What is that but the caves of trees?

I turn back.

Wait a minute.

A bush cave.

Fucking great point.

Thanks, man.

That's not me in character.

That's me.

It's Travis.

Yeah.

I turn back around after we've already started strutting, embarrassed, and I say, sorry, where is the cave again?

The cave of trees is over there.

It's all right, so I'm gonna start making my way into there.

How dark is it?

It's not dark.

Okay.

There's not a cap on the hedge.

Okay.

There's not a ceiling.

I couldn't remember if it was night or day.

Steak time.

Okay, cool.

That's less dramatic.

Usually if you're trying to amp the stakes up, it's not.

There's no stakes.

Yeah.

It's just usually if you're trying, listen, I've been a GM for a little bit now, Trav.

And

what you want to do is...

Is you want to say a few times if it's night or day.

That's six or seven times men.

Just really clarify.

Cool.

And I haven't been a DM for years, but I agree with him.

Let's rock and roll.

Yeah.

I run in slow motion behind you.

I kick the door in so he doesn't get in.

No door.

Kick the bush in.

He's through the bush like Homer Simpson in that one chip.

You do that two feet to the left of the opening.

Yeah, of course.

Roll.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Battle against the bush.

What's the difficulty, GM?

The difficulty is four.

Okay, good.

That's exactly what I got.

Okay, great.

So if you match it, then it succeeds, right?

Right.

But you mark one stress and you get some little twigs and leaves and stuff in your beard.

Okay.

Are they in there with the other twigs and leaves and stuff that were already in there?

Yes, but they're not as aesthetically placed.

Ah, shoot.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm doing a lot of incredible.

I think we can all agree so far I've done a lot of really necessary shit so far.

Yeah, you went through the bush instead of the opening.

I'm gonna let you all take the lead on this next one.

Okay

I just want to find something that looks like we've done something.

Yeah, so you enter into the hedge race and the first thing you see they've surrounded basically about like four city blocks.

Oh my god.

That's a really big hedge.

It's just a big hedge.

Yeah, man.

They had it under control.

I had a, I'm in a few hedge raises.

It's just way, way, way over control.

It's not even really a hedge race, so much as it's just a very structured hedge containment unit.

Okay, got it.

Oh, so we should have no trouble finding our way to the middle of it then, right?

There's no middle of it.

It's just a hedge.

It's a hedge wall.

Anywho,

the first thing you see is you see a grocery store.

It's small, like a co-op.

It's being looted by lizard folk, undead lizard folk.

Oh, boy.

Okay

Lich is gonna attack the lizard folk.

Oh, no, I stop am I sick

man, I use my power, which is to Summon mutated undead creatures from the sewers Christ.

Hey, come on Lich

You can

say you say use your

power preserver

Dad, don't use all this great stuff so early.

Well, I have to convince Griffin Griffin I know what I'm doing.

Hey, Dad, you say use your power.

Yeah, it's in the thing I sent you.

Sexy undead wizard from the city's sewer system that magically summons mutated undead creatures.

Come on, Travis, it was in the thing you sent you.

You didn't read the thing I sent you.

Clinton, Eat Watson.

Don't read anything I send you.

You never

respond to text messages.

I tell you, Dad,

here was my fault.

I guess I just kind of assumed that you would build a character based on the stuff on the sheet.

It's a sheet of paper that explains the rules of the game.

Yeah, Griffin was mad at Dad because he made up his weapon.

And then I said, Griffin, it's all make-em-ups, man.

Just make up.

Path of Beasts.

All right.

Yeah, so.

Just make it fuck up, Trust.

Okay, roll, Dad.

What do I roll?

Magic.

Your magic skill.

Your wizard skill.

I'm a three in wizard skills.

Wow.

You want me to tell tell you what I'm doing?

Or do I just roll it?

You summoned undead mutated sewer bees.

Well, yeah, but they're to defend.

To defend this corporate business.

It's a great big mutated alligator.

Okay.

And I call him Gator.

Sure.

On the nose.

And he looks like Burt Reynolds.

Yeah, okay, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Okay.

See?

Oh, wait till I get to the turtles.

Just roll the.

Jesus Christ.

What'd you get?

A one, a five, and a four.

You take the five?

The five?

The five is what I rolled.

The five works.

Get him, Gator.

Get him.

Okay, mark one stress, dad.

What?

It works.

It's tight and equal to.

And the gator starts fighting these lizards.

And man, that big old gator tail sure is smashing around the co-op, huh?

Sure is taking off shelves and windows left and right.

Great stuff so far, team.

So if I had rolled a six,

it would happen.

It's different rules from steeplechase.

This isn't the same game.

You do know that, right?

Of course he does.

Of course, he does.

Of course he does.

Magesso, what do you do?

And the lizard folk are like, oh, what the?

How many are there left?

I mean.

Yeah.

I guess there's still four.

But they're fighting a bigger undead lizard.

Who they think is a god to them.

They don't.

They're not

stupid.

All right.

I walk up.

Oh, we were just looting.

Oh,

one of them's French.

One of them's French.

One of them's French.

Peter, get the French one.

Shot,

Dad.

First of all, you look incredible.

Ah, thank you, Sadie.

Great.

Hey, I was hoping you could fill me in on the whole

plan.

Roll roll charm.

What's your sexy score?

Three.

Well,

that's a

the best I rolled was a four.

Okay, so

I'm going to describe now

this is

this is Sming, the Lizard Folk.

And I have...

What did you just consult?

What reference book could you possibly have just...

Oh, okay.

Sming.

Great, great, great.

Never mind.

It is like 50 lizard names.

Awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome.

And I'm going to roll D20 twice to describe them for you off of this chart that I've made.

Oh, shit.

Okay, Sming is a winsome.

A winsome pulsing lizard.

Whoa.

Yeah.

I bet that looks cool.

Yeah, man.

Ah, the plan?

Lay it out.

Okay, I will tell you, but first we must dance.

All right, here we go.

No, no, no.

This is his.

You take a stress, by the way.

A four hits, but you take a stress.

That works.

A four?

Yeah.

Stress marked.

Stress is how we die.

We should make that clear.

No, stress is how you go take a break back in the school in the sauna.

Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah.

Zip plan.

Thank you for asking.

Thanks for not making a big deal out of me being a naked man.

This is I'm a naked lizard.

Who am I to judge?

I've never thought about it that way.

You know, God.

God, as we lizards to worship, wants us all to be naked.

I don't speak French.

This is fair.

So, our creators, Salamandra and Lizardo, they want to take over New New York and the MC.

So, they rose us up to take over New New York and M City.

Boy, that's some breath control.

Oh, they're trying to take over.

Yep.

And then he stabs you.

So give me a battle roll to see if you avoid it.

My battle's not great.

Are you wearing armor?

It took me 2.8 seconds to get that joke.

That was incredible.

I got a five.

Okay.

You match it because you're not wearing your armor.

You dodge, right?

But it kind of hurt you.

What you do is it like, oh, you tweak something.

You don't get a stab, but like, oh, you tweak something.

But it's in a hot, hot it's kind of a sexy way right yeah no you yeah you tweak it sexy you pop a hip

and it's a little beddy boob like oh as you do it and it works it works good uh take one stress what you do avoid and then you get the opportunity to uh respond in kind um

well

i hate to do this but i'm gonna have to choke him with the locks of light That's the name of my hair, by the way.

It's the source of my power.

I didn't listen.

Her room is really dirty, okay?

Okay, Justin, roll wizard plus one, because I like that.

All right, good.

Six.

Oh, shit, yeah.

You nail it.

You choke this wizard out.

Sming's dead.

Hold on.

Yep, Sming's dead.

And the Gator is taking out two other ones.

What are their names?

For the record, I wasn't trying to kill him, but I wasn't

not

trying to kill him yeah listen you know I get it you wanted him to stop

so

skiz skiz is also dead and and what were the describers for skiz all right

dad just asked you to describe a dead body

so quiet and you're about to use some adjectives that are gonna suck he was really funny and kind to his kids yeah uh it says you're father of aids

and uh no no, he was a svelte,

stunning corpse.

Wow.

Yeah.

And there was another one that died, too.

Yeah.

And so also you got Bunko.

Bunko's dead.

Whoa.

Tell me about Bunko.

No, Bunko.

He was an orphan.

That was the only thing about Bunko.

He actually made kind of a big deal about it all the time.

I'm an orphan.

Bunko was a crevaceous and scintillating orphan.

Oh, that's the most tragic kind because they have their whole sexy future ahead of them.

Runaway training.

I realize that

we are going to be made as sexy battle wizards in this sort of environment.

And if we want to to be able to go a little bit more incognito, maybe I should look less the part.

And so I cast a glamour over myself to appear like Griffin McElroy.

Oh, okay.

Roll wizard.

It's high.

Fucking.

It's a seven.

You got to meet a seven.

Oh, wait, is he trying to

take his beard and his wig off?

Five isn't next to us.

One is a five.

Okay, Griffin, you can take the beard off.

The hat is the part that sucks the most, but but the beard won't let me drink.

They're both so bad.

But you don't have all of them.

Griffin, you can take both off if you take two stretches.

Probably

fucking do it, man.

Whoa, the magic is real.

It's Griffin!

Probably.

Backstage, before we started, I made the realization, by the way, that like the last four Taz shows I've DM'd,

Griffin has chosen costumes that like obscure his face.

I'm in a longer sweat.

I wasn't longer in that than the big fucking slimer mask that I wore at the last time.

That you spent your son's college tuition on.

This scandal costume was also very expensive.

I mean, can tilt.

I misspoke.

By the way, my favorite George Jones song, hands down, is the hat is what sucks the most, but the beard won't let me drink.

Number one.

They did that on the Netflix series.

Yeah, I love that.

There is one Undead Lizard folk left.

He is no longer looting.

He very clearly is like, you know what, I'm done

and I don't want to fight anymore.

What do you guys do?

We're sexy battle wizards.

Oh, I mean, oh,

shoot.

I stab him.

No, I just just said it.

Nope, you said it.

You said it.

No, you still have to do the Gandalf voice.

Oh,

we are

sexy battle wizards.

Hey, if you take another stress, I'll let you not have to do the voice.

No, you have to do the voice.

No, the voice is fine.

The voice doesn't cut off circulation to my fucking comedy organ.

Yeah,

a number on it.

If you can't tell, right, that I've been wearing an incredibly tight wig.

Okay, great.

I don't look like a fucking Frankenstein.

Great, great, great.

No, so remembering that you are sexy battle wizards.

Yes.

What do you do to this basically surrendering undead lizard folk?

I

say,

you seem like a friendly person, lizard.

What's your name, friend?

And what describe your body?

My name is Skink.

Skink?

That's a thing already.

You already had that one.

Okay.

I didn't.

You're talking about my brothers Sming and Skiz and Bunko.

You?

So you've got to be one of the most chill.

You've got to be one of the most chill only children.

You've ever been doing Taco.

I know.

I,

yeah.

Sorry, character voices.

Um

yeah, Mac.

You've got to be one of the most chill-only children I've ever met.

Listen, I was dead before this, and I'll be dead again at sunrise.

Gosh.

And standing before you, you see a statuesque and glowing undead lizard folk.

Hmm.

Like the bones?

No, just he's like, yeah.

No, no, no, I know, but he has an inner glow.

But it's a glowing skeleton is what you're describing.

It's not a skeleton.

He's undead.

Okay, so there's some meat.

Okay, this is a fresh.

I didn't say fresh.

Okay, Jesus.

Jesus Christ.

Lich banishes him to the sewers.

Now, come on, if you're going to give a guy control over the undead,

you have two options.

Okay.

You could do it as a wizard with magic, or you could do it like you're just telling him to go to the sewers.

Hey, go to the sewers.

And then it's charm with sexy.

Oh, come on.

I'll do it as.

All right.

I'll do sexy.

What's your rating?

Wait, what's your sexy rating?

I get two.

Okay.

Sexy.

You have one in battle?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, all I do is summon up dead animals.

Sure, I guess that's fair.

Okay.

That's a

three

and a three.

Okay.

So six.

Say it.

Say it like

you were compelling him to go down to the sewers.

I compel you to go to the sewers, my friend.

No.

So now take that one point of stress and one point of determination.

That's right.

There's one more stat.

Don't get too overwhelmed.

All right.

So I'm going to go, not to the sewers.

Okay, so it worked.

Why did I have to take straight?

Why did you say that?

You're totally going to the sewers, aren't you?

No, not the sewers you wanted me to go to.

Different sewers.

Sewers.

That's for me to know you to find out.

Dad, when you said the sewers everybody knew what part of the sewers you meant yeah it's a different part of the sewers different sewers i'm going to the cool part of the sewers

keep an eye out for was it turtles is that what you said

turtles aren't real

said the talking undead lizard that's a whole different type of dare you sir yeah

I'll explain I'm so sorry for him I'll explain the differences once you've left for the sewers it's just we try our best I get you I get you.

Does that have something to do with Riz?

No.

I

fucking hate that I told you the correct definition of Riz.

That was 30 full minutes ago and it just hit me.

Yeah, you know,

that was a huge fucking opportunity there.

Well, I didn't ask you to explain Gandilf.

No?

Okay.

So it seemed like it was pretty apparent Griffin

display your little game

God do we need to end the show no it'll be fine

so skink leaves

that's just Matt Griffin stole his tattoo idea.

Honestly, it was pretty cool.

At this voice, I'll get at it by the end of Act One.

Don't worry.

So, Gator just kind of looks at you, all right.

Well, go back to the sewer.

I'll help you worse.

Sad role.

I got a role to unsummon him.

Yeah, man.

Please get tragically wrong.

Do you remember when Griffin had to squish his kids?

You know what?

I'm not going to.

Come on, Gator.

Go with us.

Oh, then where?

Hold on, wait.

If you're not going to come with us, then where are you going to go, Gator?

Two fucking sewers, I bet.

No, no, no, not those sewers.

Different sewers.

Different sewers are you going?

Different ones.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Compel him.

Compel the hell out of him, Daddy.

And I'm going using magic.

Make your pet.

And there's a six.

Get the hell out of him.

Go to the fucking sewers.

You see him climb over to a suit like a man all your.

He was going there anyway.

Well, thanks for stealing my joy.

Hey, I'm sorry about that.

hey do you want me to explain my name to you

too late

Nudo over here already did that

hey

Nudo is the noodle wizard and you know that yeah he shoots spaghetti in his enemies

so do we see the bad guys where they are?

Yeah, you're going to progress to the next point.

Okay.

In the adventure.

Doing it smoothly and seamlessly.

Yeah, like it was always meant to be.

We never let you see the loading screens here on the adventure zone

in the edited version available soon.

This is.

As you progress towards the source of the magic is what I meant to say.

Oh, yeah.

Makes much more sense.

I'm much more enraptured by the tale now.

You make your way through a tree-lined street that's filled with expensive-looking brownstone homes.

The trees are so thick here, the branches have grown together.

They've created a canopy covering the street.

So there is a roof.

A canopy.

Canopy and a roof.

Try to get that paste.

You are getting absolutely butchered by semantics tonight.

Well, canopy is the roof of trees.

trees yeah

so I was right you know I don't want to no I'm not taking your side he's in charge okay hey you tell that was a good choice you tell him you were on the fence there

give him the business boss

and you're following your magical senses and you know that to continue towards the source of the magic towards the scalic twins and their half-brother newt you will have to progress through this tree line straight

well

let's keep walking like we've been doing this whole time.

I'm going to extend the locks of light to see if they sense danger.

Ooh.

Okay, give me a wizard roll.

Okay, I'm really bad at magic stuff.

Oh, a six.

Okay, yeah, with the six.

I mean, it doesn't...

That's not a great place for one, but thank you for rooting for me.

I do appreciate it.

Hey, it ain't a bad place for one.

No stress taken there.

You beat the number I was thinking of.

And as your locks of light cast their light up into the treetops, you see, you can't quite make out what it is, but you see shadows moving away from the light.

So, like, you just see the edges of things shuffling and shifting away from the light in the trees.

But whatever it is, seems to be blending in with their surroundings.

Okay,

I take out my void blades and just start chopping down trees.

Okay, give me a battery.

Hell yes.

Hell yes.

Give me a battle roll.

Battle roll the trees.

Oh, that kicks ass, maybe.

Who knows?

Do it.

Kicks ass.

Give me a battle roll.

I'm better at that, but not as good as I am at being sexy.

Five?

Okay, yeah.

With a five, you're going to take a stress.

You chop the trees down.

They start falling through some windows and doors here and there.

Don't worry about it.

Come on, use the blades.

Come on, I want to see it.

Yeah, it's an audio podcast.

Not to them.

I got it.

Don't do it.

Juice.

Hey, juice.

Hey, juice.

Juice, juice, juice, juice, juice.

Listen.

You don't want video of you swinging a lightsaber around out there on the internet.

Take it from Griffin.

He's a meme.

That's all I'm going to say.

Griffin, at this point, you're like three memes.

I know.

It's a sad life.

You're also the one where you're like, I don't know what this means, so I'm too afraid to ask.

And you bit a banana and you swung a lightsaber and you caught it.

Like you think about memeing in your old age.

Boy, I hope my son's still listening backstage.

Okay, so as you chop down the trees, you see

undead lizard folk fall to the ground, right?

Landing on all fours.

As you know, lizards always land on their feet.

What were their names?

We haven't gotten there yet.

Okay.

You can't look at them and know their names, Clant.

We got to ask.

Okay.

How are we going to ask dead lizards?

They're not dead.

They landed on their feet.

But you can also see that they had patterned their skin to blend in with the trees.

You're dealing with undead chameleons.

Oh, gosh.

How many did I get with my little Paul Bunyan stunt there?

How many of them did I get?

Six of them have fallen out of the tree.

They're all fine.

Because they landed on their feet.

They landed on their feet.

Lizards always landed.

Okay, well, listen, I've been very active here.

I need you guys to step up to the plate and re-kill some of these lizards.

Well, I'm going to take another approach.

Perfect.

Much better.

I recently had an opening

in my dad's.

You got to choose your fucking words better.

And faster, yeah.

I just had to let Gator go.

Who's talking?

Who's this guy?

I had to let Gator go.

There we go.

And so would you, six, be interested in coming over to my undead summoning company?

Hey man, you're going to have to tell us more than that.

Like what's the pay?

What are the hours?

And if the hours are more than like sun up, then...

It's when I summon you.

You

live in.

You're not selling it, Greg that you're doing.

You start off with, man.

You live in the sewer

of your choice.

This guy lets you go to any sewer you want.

And nobody's going to bother you except for me when I summon you.

And what's the pay?

Pay.

Yeah, my man, what's the pay?

Let's see.

I have multiple

DoorDash coupons.

We don't have

DoorDash.

Fantasy DoorDash.

There's not much pay, but you know what?

The reward you get for working with me.

Nope.

Hey,

sexy rolls.

No, in what universe?

Hey, Dad, you can roll sexy.

It's not going to happen.

Unless you roll, well, you got two dice there.

If you roll two sixes,

then it will work.

So there's a chance.

Sure.

Holy shit.

Okay, you know what?

He got a six and a four.

Pretty close.

Pretty close.

Pretty close, but no.

So how do you know?

Now, here's what I'll say.

One of them is like, okay.

But then all the other five are like, no, no, no.

We're part of a pretty kick-ass untead lizard.

We gotta get you signed up.

It was a cool part of the sewer.

And what's his name?

His name,

Bunko Jr.

No, hold on.

His name is Sleaze.

Sleaze?

Ah, shoot.

Are you gonna describe him?

The one that wanted to work for you was Sleaze.

Sleaze is naive and easily swayed.

There it is.

A sinewy.

a sinewy and turgid listen

yeah

is welcome to the company my turgid friend what

you know actually now that i think no too late i'm sorry guys still make fun of me but it is turgid like constipated j-man yeah it's like a uh from what i understand like a stiffy uh situation rigid yeah you meant rigid no it just means like swollen swollen yeah swollen is another way of okay gotcha i would i'm sitting

right here.

So now Sleaze is standing behind you.

What do you mean?

Look,

why don't you go to the sewer and wait until I call, okay?

You just go to the sewer, whatever sewer, and when I call, I'll call.

You go on.

Okay, thanks.

How do you call?

I have an unlife preserver.

That's a floaty.

How the fuck does that work?

Just go.

I've also been wondering the same thing.

Listen, I'm on board.

Clearly, I'm just trying to understand the ins and outs.

Okay, look, you see the manhole cover over there?

Yeah.

Go down, take a left, and go to a sewer.

Okay, I'm cool on that part.

But as far as like, you can text me.

If you need to get a hold of old sleeves, you can see.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Give me your digits.

Okay.

It's 555-420-6969.

All right.

Nice.

I had to pay top.

I had to pay top dollar for that one.

How do you know all these things, Griffin?

And why?

Okay, I'll be in the server if you need me.

You got it.

See you later, my friend.

As soon as that one lizard is out of eyesight, I go,

okay.

And I pull a meteor down from the sky to smash the other five.

Okay, roll magic for me.

Six.

Yeah, fuck you.

Again.

So that pretty much takes care of that challenge.

By the way, as the meteor is falling, Majesto points his hands at them like he's helping, just because he wants to get up in on it.

And the legends, you know, he wants to tell of his contribution.

We can split credit on that one.

Fantastic.

Let's see if there's any casualties first.

Let's look at all of their identifications in their wallets first.

So.

No, they all burned up.

The next time as you follow, you reach the end of the treeline pack.

pack.

I've named them in honor of their demise.

We got him!

They got tombstone!

That one's a space.

Hey, how dare you?

I have other names on here.

You elected not to use.

You had the opportunity.

That was right there.

What just happened there was we were trying to play in the space with you, and you said, No, this is my space.

I'll tell you the names of them.

There was Skim, Skim, and Slans, Slans, and Swing.

Okay.

And Sand and Avandon Lands.

This is the worst Wordle attempt ever.

And Sandon Avandin Landon and Juicy Brawlis.

Oh,

God.

He kind of leaned into that one.

Yeah.

Cool.

No, now it's your party.

You want to do more stuff?

You want to let me lead the game.

You can lead the game, Travis.

You reach the end of the tree-lined street and you find a beautiful park.

Let me roll for the descriptors of the park.

It is

steamy park.

Oh, okay.

So it's here in Raleigh, North Carolina, then

it is a steamy park overhead.

The clouds are swollen with the promise of rain.

Hey, by the way, hey, I do owe you all an apology.

I got into my car after enjoying your great books tour, the

quail road books.

I got in my car after I was in there for a little bit and car hot.

Car.

hot.

Yeah, car hot.

You were right on that one.

Not like, not like normal.

No.

Like really, super, really, really hot.

So, egg on my face.

Yeah.

Car hot.

There in the middle of the steamy park, you see a patch of sunlight.

And there's like three undead iguana lizard folk snapping in the sunlight.

Oh.

Yeah.

I could just meteor this one too, and we could be on our merry wedding.

You told me you only had one meteor per day.

Oh, that's right.

Shit.

Wait, did I already use it?

I had a little bit of the hobbit's kindness since my last melee.

Yeah, go get him, naked.

My mind is as steamy as this park.

Everyone stay calm.

A naked man is approaching.

Shoo.

Shoo.

Do I see the source of the magic beyond them?

Yeah.

Are they impeding my progress at all?

I mean, not really.

Okay.

Do they have pillows?

Yeah, they're very safe.

Okay, I'll put...

Wait.

Does it look like they're breathing?

Oh, yeah.

They're snoring.

Then I'll get a

great snorkel.

I'll get one of the pillows and just find the one on the far left and suffocate them

so as not to wake the other two.

Yeah.

But here's the kicker.

I'm going to do it in a sexy way.

Oh,

Justin, demonstrate.

Like.

Roll for sexy.

A sexy suffocation.

those exist, I'm told sexy five.

I got

yeah, you know what?

Here's what I'll say: it works.

You don't have to sit.

This is the last moment before you've said anything.

I know.

Okay.

It works.

And you gain a stress from it.

But it awakens something within you.

And I'll just leave it at.

Jesus Christ.

I'll leave it at that.

A deep

unease.

I don't know what it is.

Has been awakened.

A deep unease.

However, you want to take it.

It registers.

I just explained how I took it.

So the subject is close.

There are two more.

I mean, I think we should all get a turn.

Okay.

No.

No, you said it.

Are they sure?

No, it's okay.

No, really.

It's fine.

I'm happy to do them both.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's all have some fun.

I don't know what's going on.

I tried to bring a meteor down on the other two.

Sorry.

Roll for me.

It's a little meteor.

I got a four.

Travis.

You know what, Graven?

They were talking a lot about erotic strangling, which is...

Not strangling.

Suffocation.

Asphyxiation, I believe it's called.

That encompasses both.

What do I do?

No, it don't happen.

That was a trap.

I'm going to even fail for it.

You don't count out at them like they're CSI.

What has happened next?

So the meteor comes down, but it's very little.

It gets one of them.

Oh, yeah.

So take a stress.

Okay.

And the other one wakes up.

And they're like, oh, my God.

What the?

Oh, shit.

What?

I whack him across the face with the pillow as hard as I can.

I didn't think.

I just acted.

Okay, roll first battle.

I do it in a sexy way.

Nope.

All right.

Should have.

By the way, I almost just died in that encounter.

That failure very nearly killed me.

Okay.

I got a two and a one.

Oh, no.

You miss.

Yeah.

Okay.

So.

And you actually hit so hard that you stumble and fall.

And you take one stress and one determination.

Wait, how much stress?

I do take the determination.

I will keep that happily.

But

as the pillow swings wide and whiffs past his face you look in majesta's eyes for a second and he disappears in a puff of magic dead okay there's two of you left

it's fine no no no i come back it's fine

it's in there don't worry we've all all right so one's still asleep no you woke up but he is half awake what huh i am going to summon from the sewers uh an abandoned giant anaconda

An abandoned.

Sorry.

Did you say that?

Somebody abandoned an anaconda.

An abandoned anaconda.

Abandoned anaconda.

Abandoned anaconda.

Abandoned anaconda.

Banana stand.

Were they allowed?

I don't think you're allowed to own that.

That's why they abandoned it.

So it's contraband.

It was contraband anaconda.

Abandoned banana, abandoned, banana, anacana.

That's my favorite.

That's a palindrome, I think, and a haiku.

That's amazing.

Okay.

And order them to swallow the two iguanas that are like.

I'm going to be under the fucking table for this next 10 minutes of the show.

And Dad, roll for magic?

Yeah, I can, because I have three as a wizard.

Oh, I got to use my prop.

You don't?

Good.

Good.

Sexy.

But what does it do?

You don't shout sexy while you're doing it.

That's a six, though.

Shit, it was pretty sexy.

So it turns out your anaconda does want some.

Because he swallows that lizard Photon, but slowly.

You're there present the whole time all three of you looking in his eyes.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Hey, guys, there's a big snake here in a swamp.

Hey, guys, do something.

Do we see his hand, like, texting, trying to get off a few last texts as it swallows him whole?

Yeah, man.

I love that.

He's just texting his wife and kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I had to take a phone call.

What happened?

I'm getting eaten real bad, Phoebe.

Hold on, I'll be calling right back.

Oh, God.

Dad, what will happen to your snake if it eats something undead?

There's no life to draw from it.

Won't that hurt it?

I will make a note and remember that.

Okay, so the Anaconda has eaten the snake man.

Or lizard man, excuse me.

He's questioning it.

Yes, the anaconda is no scientist.

He doesn't know.

Is there enough of him left?

Did we see when he was texting what his name is?

It was Clint McElroy.

The Blames Walking Jim.

No, unrelated.

Spelled differently.

There was an A in there somewhere.

Client.

McElroy.

Client.

Client.

Client.

McElroy.

Client.

Client.

McElroy.

Go to the sewers, client.

Hey, I know you're not allowed to talk, but you can say client one time if you want, too.

It's really fun.

Client.

Yeah, see, it's very good.

It feels good to say.

So,

Lich and Gandilbert.

Gandilbert, you get.

Nope.

You hear your radio.

Hey, it's me, Todrick Bethesda.

So, yeah, Magesso just recorporeated back here.

You guys want to come on for a little bit of sauna?

I'm feeling fresh as a day.

Wait, no, I'm not.

Yeah, for sure.

And by sauna, do you mean hospital for wizards?

Tomato tomato.

No, I need treatment from an actual medical professional.

Then yes.

So we're going to a hot steamy place, correct?

A hot spittle, yes.

Did you say a hot spittle?

I did.

That's fucking great.

Hot spittle.

Yes.

Yeah.

Just come up, get a massage.

Yeah, sure, sure.

But a doctor's gonna be there to be there.

A doctor will be there.

Medicine also, though, right?

A medicine massage.

A massage is great, but I do need medicine.

Medicinal massage.

Okay.

Just some Advil or

something.

You pop back up.

You pop back out to the sign and you see Majesto looking alive.

It turns out I'm fine.

It all happens sometimes.

You're swinging a pillow trying to kill a lizard man, and then you vanish.

I don't even know what the working version of that would have been.

Me neither.

I was under a lot of stress.

Yeah.

Go ahead and clear your stress while y'all take a moment.

Okay.

Are you guys ready to go back?

Did I see a fucking doctor?

Define doctor.

I think that I have.

We have magic.

It's Doctor Strange.

Yeah, let's just go.

Drink this potion.

Hey, wait.

It has one millionth of medicine in it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Are you telling me that dying and coming back to life didn't clear Griffin's Griffin enchantment?

I feel like he would be back to Griffin.

He didn't die.

Yeah, but

I didn't fucking die.

You're the dyer, not me.

I'm still Griffin.

Nice try.

Hey, Justin, I almost fainted.

Jimi Hendrix would have just fainted.

That's all that's the only way in which Griffin is not Jimi Hendrix that man that man's that man's guitar caught on fire and he kept playing it

That's amazing guys.

I'd be screaming for help someone please you you know what happened to Jimi Hendrix.

Yeah, he does a legend legend forever.

All right, I'm gonna warp you guys back down magic and you're back down now you find yourselves in an abandoned subway station before you stands the evil sexy twin wizards, Scalamandra and Lizardo Scalix.

And they're half sexy, half wizard, half brother Newt.

That makes them an eighth of each.

Nope, we'll figure it out backstage.

We'll do some.

You add it together, he's one and a half.

Holy shit.

Welcome to Aleia.

Thank you for having us.

That's very polite, and I appreciate it.

Unfortunately, we can't let you take over.

Not again.

I am a gesto.

We meet again.

It would seem so.

I'm sorry, I don't remember you.

I tend to stick in people's memory because of the fact that I'm a naked man.

That didn't even register for me.

It was that you were on the pub trivia team that kicked our asses.

i was naked then too though yeah but i'm above noticing that even

register really i'm a pretty i'm gonna use the locks of light on him to see if he's telling the truth okay

because i feel like he noticed okay that i was a naked man okay uh roll sexy

yep

I got a...

Just go right back to the sauna.

It's a six.

Yes, I notice, and I like what you've done with your penis.

Thanks.

I just had it reconstructed after my death.

I can tell it has that new penis sheen.

Thank you for noticing.

That's Emilio Estevez's brother, isn't it?

Oh, it's not.

It's not.

It's not, but that is funny.

I liked that joke, actually very much

brother you must not steal all their attention we must fight them yes you're right sister let us fight them

it is almost sun up isn't it i'm just saying that i have a pretty cool thing i can do once a day

but you must meet our army of undead oh shit Ah, and their watch starts beeping.

Ah, damn it.

Son up.

Yeah,

yeah, let's reschedule if we could for like a week.

Absolutely.

No, I can't do a week.

I can't do a week.

You can't do a week?

What are you doing like three weeks from now, Tuesday?

No, that's trivial.

We tend to leave the end of August open.

Yeah, we could do August.

That works for us.

August 19th.

Yes.

I don't have my day planner on me.

We could do August 19th in the morning.

Morning's good.

How early?

Not too early, God knows.

Like 10:30, 10:45-ish.

10:45, yeah.

God, this is fascinating.

Okay, we'll see you guys then.

You return to the surface.

I'm pretty chill about all that, I think.

Very understanding.

And you find that the hedge wall is gone.

And you see before you a crowd of rangers and wizards and other sexy citizens.

But they aren't focused on you.

They're faced away.

Then one of them screams.

Now they are all screaming, falling to their knees, pleading to the heavens.

And before your eyes, every ounce of sexiness drains from the citizens of new, new Arcanium City.

And a very unattractive laugh pierces your ears.

With the crowd on their knees, you can see what they were looking at, or rather, who?

Laughter unattractively.

It's a warlock who you have only heard described in hush whispers.

He is known as Burbo Skrull the Unsexy.

A title

which

a title which has been rendered meaningless, considering that, with the exception of you three, he has just absorbed all the sexiness in new, new Arcanium City.

I hate this fucking guy.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to,

yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know, your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.

And it's delivered right to your door.

And cats.com named it their best overall cat food.

And get this.

After switching to smalls, 88% of cat owners report overall health improvements for smalls food that's a big deal for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that justin i was really proud

sorry trav that was great thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash adventure Hey, this week we're coming to sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry i'm also sorry and i'm here and i'm interrupting too if you're coming to uh uh our shows this week in san antonio and austin thank you if you're not already planning on coming why not we want to see you there we need you there join

it's so great yeah

if you're coming to the show and you want to have a question you uh you got a question you want answered you want a fear read aloud we got you email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in austin and also doing what trap what are we doing in austin buddy well we're doing uh adventure zone versus hercules and it's going to be a real treat you're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life yeah we're also coming to utah and california later this year tickets for all those shows are on sale now more info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash mcElroy tours Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we have a month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So, check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So, let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome back.

I hope you all had good bathrooms.

Listen,

before we start the second act, first I want to say thank you to the May Mandy Theater where we are tonight.

Thank you for having us.

Beautiful.

So kind.

Let's say thank you to Paul.

And

I want to say thank you to Raleigh.

This is a beautiful place, y'all.

I've never been.

May we

come back?

You have, I will say.

We've been all over

this fine nation.

Not all over.

There's lots of states we still haven't been to.

I think y'all got the best Alamo draft house I've been to.

Oh.

It's a really good one.

And there's a bakery like two doors down that's like five bakeries and one.

They have some

cupcakes.

Come on.

We want to say thank you to Dana Wagner for one of the best posters we've ever had.

And thank you to Rachel, our editor.

Thank you to Tom, who did the video.

Thank you to Amanda, our business manager who helps us put on these tours.

Thank you to Rachel and Griffin's sons, both dabbing and non-dabbing.

Both in in the dabbing and non-dabbing variety.

Yes.

And another thanks to Graham Howitt.

Can we just say that?

Yeah, we wouldn't be able to do this without Graham Howitt making all of the

funny games.

Are you here in cosplay?

Hey, yeah.

So,

Burbo Skrull, the unsexy, now the most sexy.

Sorry, Majesto.

Whoa.

Yeah.

I feel

just normal now.

You're still up there.

I'm extremely sexy, but

not the sexiest.

In a world of ones, a nine is pretty good.

It's but well, I guess there are a lot of threes running around now, so it's not too bad.

So, um, hi, friend.

Hail and well, Met.

Are you talking to the unsexy thrall around you or to Christmas?

No, I'm talking to Burbo Scruggs.

Burbo Scroll.

Burbo Skrull.

Do we know Burbo Skrull?

You've heard like whispered,

you know, myths of an unsexy warlock who felt the idea of such.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Unthinkable.

Yeah.

But he's sexy now, right?

So sexy.

Cool.

He looks now like if Peter Pascal and Oscar Isaacs and one of the great fairies from a Zelda game had a baby.

Cool.

Yeah.

Travis is like Spider-Man trying to pull two kinks together with all of his strength.

We can do it, God.

Hang in there.

Hell and well met.

Gumbo.

Gunga.

Burbo Scarborough.

I know what his name is.

I'm trying to make him

a little bit.

Yeah.

I feel the deepest desire to impress you.

Got a little real there for a second.

And right back at you, but what am I saying?

I'm

so silly right now.

You must be Gandhil.

Yes, and I appreciate you saying it right.

I've heard everything about you.

Oh, probably not everything.

He means butt stuff!

What stuff?

Am I?

I don't know, he won't tell me.

The stuff with the butt.

What, but?

The butt stuff that you do.

Who do you do?

Do what?

The power of the butt stuff.

I'll give you a moment to talk to your dad.

Oh, yeah.

He's our dad, by the way, canonically.

He's Gandalf and my dad.

Gandelf.

As I said, Gandelf.

I just got an accent.

Wow, that took longer than I thought, eh?

So it's two T's.

Okay.

Burbo,

stay right there for a second.

I already fucking did it today, didn't I?

Yeah.

No, no, this is...

Oh, no, it is.

I believe if I...

I'm a bit of a student of magic.

It's a 24-hour period,

not a midnight to, like, midnight kind of deal.

You didn't sound that confident when you said that.

I've got a sexy like easiness, you know?

A way of lying, yes.

We are all picking up on that.

Gotta do a different spell.

Listen,

I've spent a lot of time on the fringes, not being welcomed to society, and now I've got the sexiness of all of New New Arcanium City, save for three of the sexiest battle wizards there are.

So I'm just gonna need to steal y'all's sexiness.

If I can say something,

we should probably just do it.

Because if everyone's threes and he's like a fucking 19,

no one's gonna wanna hang out with him.

Sorry, but I'm not gonna put on clothes.

And then I swing the void blade at Burbo Scroll.

Okay.

The right void blade.

There's a left one.

I'll say.

Oh, I thought you meant like the correct one.

Well, it is the correct one because I am right-handed.

Oh, okay.

That's something I didn't say.

Should we all state the handedness of the brain?

Yeah, yes, please.

Go ahead.

Don't say ambidextrous.

That's bullshit.

It's right.

Yeah, dad.

Yeah, dad.

Yeah, dad.

I am left-handed.

Thank you.

And right-handed.

No.

I said I couldn't say ambidextrous.

I wear my crystal fist on my right hand, but I use my left hand to break little crystals off my crystal fist to throw them at people.

Okay.

So I guess I'm ambidextrous is what I'm saying.

So why are we talking about this?

Oh, okay, that's me.

Yeah, I thought it was.

I started it.

Okay, Justin, roll battle.

How many battles do you have?

Two.

Okay, Burbo gets four.

Four?

Why is Burbo rolling?

He's the fucking.

Okay, okay, okay, you're right, you're right.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, I got a five.

I got a six.

Shit.

You swing it, he puts up one sexy wrist and it bounces off of his awesome leather bracelet.

Can you describe the wrist?

Yeah, it looks like this.

It's got a pineapple on it.

And he's got fucking some blue nail polish.

He's like so good, like he works out at least twice a week.

Okay, I am going to summon.

Burbo Scrawl is just an anagram of Travis McElroy.

You're going to Kaiser Sese it at the end.

I am going to summon turtles from the sewer.

I'm sorry, Dad, I did establish turtles don't exist.

That's why it's going to be so fucking challenging.

Hey, Dad, you can still do it.

It's challenging as hell.

I have a great gag.

Oh, it's going to be great.

Hey, everybody, buckle in.

My dad has a great gag.

About sewer turtles.

About About turtles who have been mutated and live in a sewer.

I know what you're thinking.

Let him cook.

I know what you're cooking.

Let him cook.

There's no way he's just going to name four other artists.

All right, go ahead, Dad.

I go ahead, Dad.

I stomped with laughter under the table, and I got dashed.

Crushed my toe.

Are you okay?

Almost as bad as Justin Crushed My Heart.

Oh, no.

He's fine.

The four turtles' names are

Vincent, Pablo, Salvador, and Frida.

You're better than this.

No one is.

He's not.

Not you, them.

Apparently, they're not either.

Thank you for being on my level.

So, I roll three for Wizard.

Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's been the case.

No, that's the case.

He's got three wizards.

I've been too sexy.

You just said it with a question mark, so no one was funny.

Shit.

Two sixes.

Two sixes.

Two sixes.

Okay.

Now you have to roll two sevens to beat it.

No.

Wait, let me check.

I'm sitting at a table by myself.

Yeah.

You guys are sitting at a table that are shared.

Okay.

What happens, GM?

So the four turtles appear.

Is it fucking hysterically funny?

It's actually horrifying.

Oh no.

Yeah, they didn't mutate evenly.

Father!

Why?

It's just two big legs coming out of a normal-sized turtle body and head and arms.

One of them has big arms dragging along.

That's Vincent.

That's Vincent.

One of them has a big head that's just stuck on the ground.

That's Pablo.

That's Pablo.

And Frida looks pretty normal.

Yeah, except for the mustache.

Except for a Clint Mack already.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

Go to the fucking sewers.

That's a command.

That's a command.

Roll.

Okay, so the four of them show up.

It's pretty good.

Okay, what do they do?

Geez.

He just had the one joke, Travis.

Don't make him make another joke.

No, they yelled.

So the four of them show up and they're like, hey, man.

No.

They yell, Kawabanga.

Kawabonga, Father.

Caravaga!

Father, love turtles!

Witness me!

Turtles earn father's love!

Turtles with their shells, they run backwards and slam into him with their burnts.

Slamming their bodies into

you say run backwards.

That's generous.

They're mutated.

Yeah, there's again, cardinal directions do not necessarily apply to these people.

They move in their own special ways.

In their own incredible ways.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

They're mutated.

You've seen the cartoon.

Cartoon?

never mind.

Yeah, they move in their own special ways.

Yeah, backwards and bonk together.

Yeah.

And they're going to hit Burbo Scroll.

What could the number possibly mean?

Two stress.

What kind of stress?

It actually says sexy stress.

It says here on the sheet that when fake, when bootleg teenage mutant ninja turtles attack your NPC, roll one dice, and then that's how much damage that it takes when they bonk you with the shell.

Yeah, I'm going to say.

Teenage mutant what?

All right.

We're 46.

All right.

It's embarrassment stress.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Burba Skrawl

pulls bricks from the surrounding buildings and they start hurling themselves towards each of you.

Yeah, so there's a six.

So each of you is going to get hit with three bricks.

Unless you can roll battle to avoid them.

yeah and i do i just catch one with my crystal fist

roll it two i got two fours

i got a six okay gandov avoids i don't just avoid i catch it in a sexy way

yeah that's exactly how you do it can i do sexy nope

That's for sure.

Oh boy, I really can't.

That's It's a two.

And what did you get, Majesto?

Four.

Yeah, so you each take a stress from getting hit.

What's your stress level at, Dan?

Zero?

One.

Wow.

Yeah, you all enjoy selling.

That's right, that's right, that's right.

Now listen.

Give me your sexiness.

And he lays on the sexy hard, and I need you all to resist with your own sexy roll.

Oh, but wait.

All of my sexiness, according to my literal character.

Sandelf, he puts one like under your chin and holds it.

I'm like, give me a sexy miss.

Can I explain?

On my sheet, it says, Why are you so sexy?

And then it says majestic hair and beard.

And it looks like you took those off, huh?

So I'll roll one.

Yeah.

Two is the number.

So two.

Dan?

Um

I'll roll two.

Yes.

But six.

Get your stinking paws off me, you daughter.

Roll sexy.

You can also spend to remember your determination to roll an extra.

One five is my highest.

Okay.

Hey, Gandilf.

Yes.

You work for me now.

And I command you to attack those other sexy wizards.

Anything you say, boss.

You're up, my man.

I'm going to flex so hard that he can't compel my body to do anything.

Gandalf.

Oh, I was trying to summon a meteor to fall down on you.

Well, Gandilf, one more time.

It's a 24-hour period, my man.

What's

he can't do meteor?

There's other spells.

No, he flips you off so hard.

He flips you off so hard.

Roll sexy against it to flex against his painful flipping off.

Oh my God, a three.

That's your highest?

At a three.

But then I dig deep down into my determination.

Yeah, yeah.

And I remember the last time that I failed whiffing somebody with a pillow.

And you died.

And I died from it.

From it being so hard and bad.

And it doesn't help at all.

I learned nothing.

I learned nothing from that experience.

He flips you out so hard you go flying backwards.

Oh, no.

And you take one stress and one determination.

Hold on, it's not even done yet.

It does more stuff.

Hold on.

And then a phoenix comes out of it.

Cool.

It's the bird.

And while you're knocked down, Majesto, Burbo comes over and he puts his hand on your forehead in an attempt to drain your sexiness.

The stinks have never been higher.

I summon sleeves.

Hold on.

As he's doing it, you feel socks forming on your feet.

They grow long, and then, what's that?

Shorts.

As he's pulling.

There's nothing I can do.

He's taking everything from me.

I have two swords that'll never stop him.

Two separate swords?

You absolute puts.

All right.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Not you.

Shut up, Clint.

You said that you would.

Hold on, partner.

One of them's not going.

Wait a minute.

I thought they were two separate swords.

No, it's...

Oh, it's one.

It locks in.

It locks in.

Shit, that's cool.

It locks fuck.

It's cool, right?

You get that at KB Toys or what?

No.

Amazon.

Hold on, one of them's flashy.

I got it from some Amazons.

Cool, man.

Now what do you do?

Well, here's the thing, Trav.

Oh, that traded places.

No, no, no.

I lost it.

Now I'm just regular sexy.

My sexiness is now a two, and my battle's a three.

Roll battle.

Hold on.

For my grand transformation, for my magical girl transformation.

Hey, Griffin, I can't hear you.

And Justin rolled two extra because Griffin bitched about it.

That's a six?

Oh, yeah.

He chopped one of his toes off.

One of the good ones, though.

Yeah, man, one of the balanced ones.

And he's like, whoa.

And you know what's not sexy?

I don't know.

It's a witch piggy.

Which piggy, Justin, do you want to take?

The one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.

Damn, bro, that's cold.

Yeah, man.

And he's like, no, my wee-wee-wee piggy.

I got to think about some stuff.

Just go to the spa.

You can grow anything back at the spa.

I promised myself I'd never go back there.

Oh, it's great, though.

Have you scoped his new hog?

Yeah.

I love the way.

Oh, hey, bad news about that.

Styling and idea.

Because I fused the two source together.

Now it's just regular and dumb.

I meant to update you guys about that.

I don't have clothes, but it's just a regular dumb hog now.

Some people prefer a regular dumb hog.

No, not this kind.

This is really uncharming.

This is charming, though.

Just a really, just a run-of-the-mill

right over the plate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now I see how you guys get when I talk about sex.

Yeah, Clint.

And hey, I'm so glad.

And now

we can all reveal that this is dad's intervention.

We've invited you all.

Listen, we care about you all.

So you chop off his piggy and he stumbles backwards.

i didn't get it before yeah

he stumbles backward one piggy down nine piggies to go

wait what no that's not how we're doing this

gandil i summon sleaze

okay roll summon sleaze

who's going to uh attack no you got to roll first greedo okay

burbo scroll burbo the scroll kit fisto

Wait a minute.

Oh.

Kit Fisto would be a good sexy world wizard name.

It's a Star Wars name.

No, I know.

Okay.

That's a salacious crumb is also a sexy...

Jizz?

They listen to Jizz music.

Yes.

That's also what they listen to here.

Sorry, why did you roll?

As we continue to talk about Star Wars, I feel like our TTJ, or Times You Jizz, has gotten shorter and shorter with every Star Wars discussion.

It's now become sort of a race to see who can say jizz first.

Star Wars jizz fastest in the bit.

Vibe.

You summon sleaze.

Who attacks with all his turtles?

Well, Clint, it's past sunrise.

Oh no.

What did you just summon?

Of course.

We outdied at sunrise, remember?

That's why we had to take a break.

But with the power of your love.

Hold on.

I have to squish my little guys every time.

Is it fucking fair?

I have to squish my little guys every time.

Sleeves is kind of back.

Father.

Oh, no.

Get him, Dr.

Moreau.

Listen, I want you to run over there.

Yes.

Your dying moments.

What?

Yeah.

Hey, listen.

I'm just being open and honest.

You're just

couch it a little bit.

You're going to die.

Lead up to it, my man.

This is the third time this cat has died.

He's not used to it by now.

Oh, each time I think this little stick.

You were alive, then you were dead, then you were undead, and then you were un-undead, and now you're going to be un-un-undead.

Oh, I was undead, and then I was re-dead.

Get it right.

Okay, you're going to be un-redead.

Okay.

So what I want you to do is I want you to run straight at that guy, and I want you to die.

The sexy one?

The real sexy one.

And I want you to die in the most disturbing manner

to

really throw off his sexiness.

I want you to be so nasty and awful in front of him that there's no way he can be as sexy as he was.

Can I tell you right now, Clinton, and my brother?

Are you proud of me?

No.

There's so many

horrible ways to die going through my brain and each one of them is like, don't do that.

Okay, how's this it's so bad I want him to go I want him to run up I want him to reach up and pull himself inside out

I'm a lich man I'm a lich what do you want what is right but what is Clint is the question that I'm left with how did you get there

I don't know, I just thought that would really, if somebody's really thinking they're sexy, watching somebody pull themselves inside out.

No, yeah, for sure, For sure.

Take them off their game pretty much.

As Chase

go, that one's going to be pretty disturbing.

Hey, you know what?

You know what?

He runs over

and he begins to attempt to pull himself inside out.

That'll be even as disturbing.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

What possible stat could this be to roll?

Hey, we don't have to roll, Griffin.

I'm going to tell you what happens.

It works about 15%.

That's the worst possible amount of percent that it could have gone.

And he doesn't give up.

And he just keeps making eye contact with you, Lich, and saying, for you, Father!

For you!

And pulling harder.

And it gets to 16, 17.

Can we stop him, please?

Because we're also seeing this.

18.

Look away.

19.

Look away.

18.

Again.

You're doing so good.

I am so proud of you.

For you, Father.

My little sturgeon sleeves.

28.

I cut him in half.

I cut him in half.

I cut him in half.

I cut him in half.

I cut him in half.

I cut him in half.

You know what?

You know, Gandilf, it breaks the hold over you.

It's very upsetting.

Sure.

Now that it's broken, I remember.

Six.

Get a six.

I'm about to go.

Yeah, you cut him in half.

Both halves pull themselves inside out.

I

snap back to it and instantly remember it.

Snap back to reality.

Oop, oh,

there goes Sleece.

And he's oh, inside out.

And oh,

I remember all of my training

of 20,000 years

across the many galaxies, just learning my craft.

And I think of one of the oldest wizard tricks in the book, which is a vanishing act.

And I look at butt scrugged.

Yeah,

Burbo Scruggs.

Burbo scroll.

Burbo scrawl.

And I

look at his butt

and I snap my fingers and make his butt disappear

and I shout

you shall not ask

Yeah, you don't have to roll.

That happens.

It works.

Hey, everybody, come look at this guy with no hat.

What?

No, I

haven't.

I hadn't.

Not in those jeans.

Wait, oh, no, don't say that.

It's my best pair.

They fit so well.

No, I should be clear.

His...

The middle of him is now gone.

Oh.

Well, you said ass.

Yeah, sure.

That's the back half of the middle.

No no I don't mean that sorry I don't mean that I've made his butt become flatter.

Like that's like some people like that.

I'm saying that his butt disappear his butt disappears.

But not just invisible.

It's not invisible.

No, no, no.

It disappears.

No, disappear.

You mean it goes away.

It is destroyed.

Sorry.

I guess I'll phrase it a different way.

His ass is destroyed.

His ass, his ass, his ass is annihilated.

Griffin annihilated his ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gandalf.

Wait, who is what?

And there is some, definitely, there is some load-bearing stuff in the human body.

Yeah, okay, cool.

I just want to make sure we're on the same page.

So you turned his legs into assless chat.

No.

No?

No.

I turned him into an assless chat.

Into an assless chat.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

His ass goes away.

Yeah.

Wait, did it ever quick clarification?

Did it ever exist?

Has he wiped it from the timeline or just from this rear fin?

Yeah.

This is where I'll have you roll magic to see how gone it is.

Six?

Yeah.

So his ass is so gone.

How gone is it?

Thank you.

Even when he reforms, he'll have no ass.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

That part will be back just flat.

He'll figure it out.

Yeah.

That's his journey.

Hey,

i think we won yeah so he uh his ass is beers

he drops

one ass worth 18 inches at measure 18 inches

wow that seems like a lot that's a foot and a half a foot and a half a butt

that's that feels like 12 max

I don't think a human butt.

Okay, anyway, sorry.

So

he drops a butts worth.

One butts worth.

Oh, wait a minute.

Butt stuff.

Clint.

Turn his microphone off.

He knows too.

He drops one butts worth and says, not again, which is very enigmatic.

Yeah.

Oh, stay tuned for the second episode.

It's a prequel.

And he evaporates and all the sexiness becomes aerated and spreads back to the system.

I've just run through the cloud, like, come on, we've earned this.

Yeah, you know what?

You each come out one sexiness more.

I'm not, then I'm not, then I'm not done.

Okay,

roll.

Wow.

Roll sexiness.

You got two now.

It might be too much for you.

It's a one and a two.

It's too much.

It's too much for Gandalf.

He passes out.

Turgid.

I got three.

A six.

Yeah, it works for you.

You still.

Nope.

Hey, everybody, thank you so much.

Our dad showed his nibbles to everyone, so that's the end of the game.

As is always our rule.

You overcome.

I got a six.

I got a six.

I got a six.

Yeah.

Hey, bye.

Bye.