The Adventure Zone Versus Hamlet: Live in Charlotte!

Hey Diary, what's up?

It's me, Hamlet.

Oh man, shit sucks right now, dude.

Like, oh, sometimes I just wish that I could, like, melt.

You know what I mean?

It's only been two months.

No, shit.

Not even two months.

Since my dad, the king, died, he was cool.

I liked him.

And then, not even a month later, my mom married mine uncle.

Yeah, that's right.

My dad's brother.

Ugh.

He sucks.

This all sucks.

Everything sucks.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome.

Welcome to Taz vs.

Hamlet.

I will be your DM tonight.

Woo!

Thank you.

My name is Travis McElroy.

The best you've ever, ever looked, Travis McElroy.

How do you choose?

This is me now.

From now on.

God, I hope not.

Wow.

It took such a long time.

It did.

But it was worth it.

Now,

before we get started tonight, first, I wanted to make sure you guys saw the posters out in the lobby by Anna Rhode.

Oh, they're so gorgeous.

Make sure you get yours.

Also, we've got some challenge coins out there with the proceeds going to Second Harvest Food Bank for the Paul Sabora Memorial Canned Food Drive.

We'll never forget him.

I love you, Paul.

Wherever you are,

he's right there.

Wherever he is, though.

I I love

you.

Remember Dead Paul?

You remember

Thrillium Shakespeare was brought back to life by Igor,

and it was discovered that his plays were supposed to be fun sex romps and not the weird comedy tragedies that they became and they've been corrupted by some kind of force.

So Thrillium sent us into Romeo and Julia to make sure it ended happy.

And that's all you really need to know.

Wonderful.

I can't keep the hat on.

It is a furnace inside inside of me.

Okay, then let us begin to weave.

Weave, weaver.

The three of you wake up outside of a beautiful castle in the middle of you are currently laying in a snow drift.

When last you remember, you had just finished in a ballroom scene in

Romeo and Julia.

Padua?

No.

What?

That's the wrong one.

Anyways, it was Romeo and Juliet.

Don't worry about it.

But now you've woken up in the snow outside a castle.

Currently, there are only two of you visible to each other, Lady Godwin and Philo.

And Lady Godwin, you notice a note stapled to Philo's wooden chest.

I was so curious why.

I thought someone had put a kick sign on dad's front, which is an advanced tactic you can only play against certain individuals.

Please point me to the stage.

Hi, my name is Justin McElroy.

Tonight I'll be playing the role of Melenifer Godwin.

Woo!

What?

We didn't introduce ourselves.

Is that an announcement of Lady Godwin's first name right now?

Yeah, just came up with it backstage.

It's like Millennium and Jennifer combined.

Fuck yeah.

Melenifer.

That's amazingly powerful, Justin.

The Charlotte.

Exclusively.

Okay, Justin, can you read us the note, please?

Greetings, mine.

Fair play hoppers.

Excellent work on that Romeo and Juliet assignment.

That stuff there at the end was wild.

Anywho, while you're in the Theatroverse...

Theatroverse, please.

I understood it perfectly, Travis.

Theatroverse, I was hoping you could take care of just a few more things for me.

The first one is kind of a biggie.

How Hamlet got his groove back.

It was supposed to be my sexiest and rompiest sex romp yet.

A party and a prince's dad dies and he parties his way through Paris with two bombshells named Goldie and Rose.

And then when he's all sexed out, he returns home.

It becomes the partyingest king of Denmark has ever had.

But now the whole thing is just so emotional.

Yeah.

This letter was pinned to the puppet man, brother Philo.

Yeah.

It's like a CVS receipt of a.

Yeah, Shakespeare, Griffin, I don't know if you know this, known for being a little wordy.

Fair.

Page two.

And what's the deal with the ghosts?

If I was gonna put supernatural shit in, it would be like sexy vampire or a totally ripped werewolf or a dragon with a rocking

dong, it says here.

So, like, get in there and do your thing.

P.S., don't let anyone die.

This is a comedy.

XO, XO, gossip girl.

JK, it's actually Thrillium Shakespeare.

That's what it says.

I didn't...

P.S., Mutt had to take care of some king shit, but he sent along a proxy.

And you hear crunching up in the snow,

some heavier footsteps than you would have expected.

And you see a bear.

Hi, everybody.

It's me, Griffin McElroy.

If you were wondering which one of us on stage was going to be embodying a bear tonight, it's me.

Or if you ask certain groups, all four of us.

All four of us,

if that's your interest.

I feel like the guy at the end of midsummer right now

and am dying on stage.

Hey, one Shakespeare play at a time, pal.

And tonight I'll be playing the public domain cutie, Winnie the Pooh.

And I'm Clint McElroy.

Thank you.

You know my work.

I will be portraying Brother Philo, a

God, we don't have enough time for this whole story.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you have a weird thing that you are on stage right now, Mac?

A monk in the body of Pinocchio the puppet.

Yes.

Didn't take it.

Who's also the turbo cardinal.

Oh, right.

Interim.

Yeah.

You see your old friend who you first encountered when facing off against Robin Hood, Winnie the Pooh.

Oh, it's you, guys.

I remember you from the other thing.

I didn't recognize you without your full head on with your ears and everything.

Oh, it's Pooh!

Winnie the Pooh!

What's all this cold white stuff everywhere?

It burns my little paws.

Oh, you don't have snow in the 100-acre wood.

Is that so?

I guess not.

No, it's just one season the whole time.

Wow.

No, it's snow.

It's because it's so cold.

Can I eat it?

Please do.

I didn't like it.

Yes, well.

Almost magically, lights swell to your left.

And your attention is drawn to a graveyard where you see a very, very emo looking boy sitting atop a grave holding a skull staring at it intently

he brings it closer to himself almost as if to kiss it and then he sparks a lighter

hey do you guys ever think about death

and he steps uh away from you a few feet forward

and he's talking to you, but out into the night sky.

Excuse me.

Because like death, man, it's so fucking freaky, right?

Because think about like being alive versus like being dead.

Because like,

you know, being dead would be kind of cool because you wouldn't have to worry about shit anymore, which would be kind of awesome.

But then when you think about death, you don't know what's going to happen when you die.

And it kind of freaks you the fuck out.

You know what I mean?

Oh, sorry.

Hey.

Sorry, man.

Sorry about that.

Can I roll an intimidation check against this

boy that we've discovered?

Yeah, it's going to be a pretty low DC.

Okay, I have rolled a 10.

Yeah, man, that's enough.

I mean, to be scared of the...

He's an emo waif.

I guess being scared by Winnie the Pooh requires a certain double.

Oh, man.

Sorry.

I just...

Sometimes I think about death too much.

For sure, I'm a a creature of the forest.

I have to.

Every day I confront death and cause it.

It's the circle of life.

Yeah, man.

Waiting for the poo has his eyes wide open.

Yeah, man.

I'm a pretty enlightened guy.

Hey, pass the duchy on the left-hand side.

Good morning, man.

I call him Yorick.

Oh, I don't know why you're actually passing.

Okay.

Did I do that right?

Well, you hoffed right out of the bowl, but

it's very grainy.

Yeah.

It tastes terrible.

My mouth burns and stinks.

But in like 40 minutes, you're going to have a real good time.

Write that down because that shit kick in at the top of Act 2 when he just

loses gum.

Hey, don't bogart that skull, man.

Pass it over.

I'm pretty sure I ate the contents of it pretty good.

I can't wait to watch Dad pantomime smoking any sort of weed paraphernalia at all.

Alas.

Nope.

Hey guys, sorry.

Sorry I got so distracted there.

You know, death's just been really on my mind ever since my dad, the king, died.

I'm Prince Hamlet, by the way.

Oh, cool.

Hey.

And I like should have been king, but then my uncle.

We heard

he married my mom, so now he's my stepdad uncle, and she's my step-aunt mom.

And gross.

I know, man.

And then this ghost showed up.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and he was all like, oh, I'm your dad.

Let me stop you right there.

Ghosts aren't real.

You must be going mad.

I don't think so, man, because my buddy Horatio, and he points over to like one of those big, like, slab crypts.

And Horatio, like, sits up and was like, that's me.

Oh, ghost.

Horatio was there, too.

No, he's my buddy, Horatio.

He was there.

Shoot.

And he saw it too, man.

Anyways, ghost ghost said he was my dad, and my uncle killed him.

And so I needed to kill my uncle.

So, can I ask a question?

Were you terribly sad before all this happened?

I was pretty excited about, you know, being king.

Sure.

And then I was going to go to Paris with some friends, but then the ghost showed up and really bummed me the fuck out, man.

Okay.

So if we were to theoretically get you...

get you back on the throne, you'll get you back in charge, would that be...

Well, right now I'm kind of laser focused on the whole killing my uncle for killing my dad thing, but I'm gonna be honest guys

And I know this is gonna sound weird.

I don't a hundred percent know if I could trust the ghost

I'm having second thoughts now that you know some time has passed and I drank some coffee Could you guys and listen?

I know that we just met, but you're outsiders So I feel like I can trust you because like outside, you know that's always good judgment.

Yeah, can you guys

find out if my uncle killed my dad so i can kill him with a clear conscience sure thing no problem i've done much more for much less that was so fast you agreed like so fast that's really awesome we also aren't supposed to let anyone die winnie

hmm i guess we should get more of a lay of the land before i make promises like that

I really appreciate it, guys.

Here's a list of some people who are in the castle.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

Good.

If anybody knows anything, they'd probably know.

I'm going to go kind of sulk around and skulk around for a while.

Old sulk and skulk.

But if you guys need me, I'll be around talking to myself a lot.

You can't read.

Do you know how to read?

Of course.

We gotta go to

Kinji.

Damn it.

King Claudius,

Queen Gertrude, Polonius,

Laertes,

Ophelia,

and Rosencrantz and Guildenstein.

Do we have to kill all these people before midnight?

What?

No, no, man.

Just like

that's a lot of people to kill before midnight or a terrible ghost.

Don't even know.

Where's that death notebook when you need it?

We could just...

No, don't kill him, man.

Just like interview him.

You get it, dude.

Interview?

Yes.

Can we just interview the ghost?

It seems like we could really cut out eight or nine middlemen here.

Yeah, man.

Why don't you ask him?

He's not here, dude.

Hey, wait a minute.

Can you

can you summon ghosts?

Can I summon ghosts?

I believe I can.

You said that.

Hey, everybody.

Think for a second.

Do you know for sure if you can summon ghosts?

Because I know myself, Justin McAray, would know with 100% confidence that I cannot.

Now, hold on.

I've never tried.

Okay, sorry.

I don't know.

You haven't?

No, I've never really lost, huh?

I can kill a man and then bring him back to life.

That's sort of like making a ghost.

That's on your character sheet?

What is wrong with you?

You're just

cutting out the middleman.

I'm technically a druid of the land, and so I can do a lot of stuff that the canonical Winnie the Pooh cannot.

I'll go ahead and lay the groundwork for that.

I've got to be really clear.

There is no canonical Winnie the boot, and there cannot be.

Or this whole exercise is a good thing.

That's all it's going to be.

Okay, so we'll talk to your friends on this list, and

then we'll figure out if the ghost is telling the truth.

And what's in it for us, young man?

I'm a prince, so I got like money and shit, man.

You have honey and shit?

I got some...

I got some THC, honey.

I don't know what that means.

I can't read.

It's honey he ordered from the honey channel.

Be careful, it's pretty cheap stuff.

Wonderful, sounds good to me.

Okay, thanks, guys.

And he walks off holding a skull.

Who are any of these people and what do they look like?

Oh, they're all in the castle over there, man.

Just head into the castle and.

I will look at the pictures next to the name.

Yes, how convenient.

Yes, okay, now I get it.

Let's start small.

All you human faces kind of do look the same.

It is.

Wow, chilling.

Can we go inside now?

Yeah, head on inside.

It's a lot warmer.

I'm going to be out here soliloquizing.

Hey,

we're also supposed to help you get your groove back.

Do you know what that means?

I honestly, I didn't know I'd lost it, man.

They give me a lot to think about.

To groove or not to groove.

You know what I mean?

That's nothing.

That is the question.

I think we should start.

with Laertes.

Because if we gotta bump Laertes, who gives a shit?

Right?

Like, Laird.

If we have to kill Laertes, who gives a shit?

Yeah, it's like, okay, yeah.

It's like low pegs.

Like, I feel, I don't think we'll have to off Laertes, but I feel like we'll at least get our sea legs underneath us.

So we'll be ready for his stepdad when that encounters.

Exactly.

We'll be ready for the big show.

So I love the speed at which you guys went from like direct instructions, make sure no one dies to like, he'll be easy as the kid.

Oh, yeah.

And not feel bad about it.

I tried to backpedal from it mid-sentence, Travis.

I'm sorry that I didn't do that.

No, if you have to kill Laertes, he is the most expendable I don't want to kill it you explicitly said not to I'll try my best all right you make your way inside the Grand Hall

that's the real Grand Hall

ain't it grand no it's not it kind of looks like a shitty church fellowship hall or something that's his real

that's Hamlet's real house Griffin that's the real Hamlet yeah Kronberg Castle in Denmark is that true that's what Elsinor's based on oh now I feel like an asshole yeah read a book and you've spent many a happy hour in that fellowship hall making a wanna racers out of blocks of wood.

That's true, and pledging my life to Christ.

Yeah.

So do we see Laertes?

Is he in that big clump of people at the end of the hallway?

Yeah,

do an investigation check for me.

That's great because I'd love to know what they're doing down there.

10 plus

nothing.

12.

No, no, no.

It was my check.

What did I find?

Yeah, with a 10, you definitely clock that in this group, you're able to kind of piece out, like, there's three younger-looking gentlemen, two of them standing talking to each other, one standing talking to, like, the only younger woman there.

The other people look like they could be Hamlet's parents' age or older.

Can we match them to the list of names that we have?

Yeah, the one talking to the younger woman is Laertes talking to his sister, Ophelia.

Okay.

Should we start?

Let's start over there.

Okay.

Pardon me, Laertes.

Yes.

My name is Lady Melena Fagaldwin.

I know.

I like it too.

We're a puppet and a talking bear.

Just to sort of give you a heads up.

A lot of people freak out when we start doing our thing.

Okay.

Oh, you're part of the players.

Yes!

Of course.

Yes.

What?

You think I dress like this all the time?

I don't know, I just met you.

I've met this man twice, and he's been dressed like a clown both times.

Are you guys lost?

How can I help you?

Well, no,

we're doing a murder mystery as part of the entertainments this evening.

Okay, yeah.

And we don't want to do the same old show that everybody does.

We don't want to do something that you've already seen.

So we were going to ask you about any recent

assassinations,

you know,

horrible murders that have taken place that you

are familiar with lately.

Make a

deception check for me, Clint.

Dad, if you will.

Not to get too formal about it.

16.

Yeah.

Oh my God, it's so...

Can I tell you?

What a wild coincidence.

Our king did just die under mysterious nausea.

Yeah.

That's why I'm back.

That's why I'm back here.

I was at college and I'm back here now.

Are you investigating?

No.

It's just my sister was sad and my dad, Polonius, was sad.

And I was like, oh, I need to do some laundry.

So I came back.

Were there any, I mean, was it an accident?

Did he, like, fall down a garbage chute or something?

Oh, well, I mean, you know,

not a ton of details.

He was locked up in his rooms like he normally is.

And

his brother went to see him.

He was in there like 20 minutes, and then he started calling for help.

And then, you know, the funeral, that's just what I've heard because I wasn't here, but the funeral a couple days later, was closed casket, which was weird because normally they'll do like a late-in-state kind of thing.

But yeah, closed casket.

He faked it.

I've solved it, gang.

The king faked his own death.

The casket was closed because his body was not inside it.

He's ruling the kingdom as well.

Wait, you're really spoiling the murder mystery for me.

I was gonna watch it later.

Ah, Dawn!

Um, well, we'll change it.

You

can't can't be helped.

We'll have to sw we'll do the alternate ending.

I am but a simple forest bear.

I forgot we were executing a ruse on you.

A ruse?

I want to apologize.

I want to apologize to the two of you.

I'm still learning your human ways.

You are a simple soul.

Hey, Leantes, have you ever thought of yourself as expendable?

No, but do most people?

That was a line from the show.

With my name in it?

Okay, you're a clever one.

I look over at Ophelia and I say, do you have maybe maybe anything to add clues?

Well, you look over at Ophelia, she has like a pretty large beach towel draped over her shoulder, and she's tucking her hair into a swim cap.

Yeah, and she's like, Listen, I've been pretty focused on getting ready for the championships.

I made all-state swim team.

Okay, well, it sounds to me that the odds of you having some sort of water-based whoopsie are quite low.

I mean, I would say so.

Amazing news.

Okay.

You know,

anything weird,

give me a persuasion check, whoever wants to make up.

14 plus 317.

I'm a cute little bear.

So

natural 20.

Natural 20.

You know, I wish.

Double natural.

He also got a nat 20.

He rubs my tummy.

It's too cute.

I would prefer mine be the one that counts.

Yeah, Justin, I'm going to say there two nat 20s really push your 17 over the top

he said whoever wants to can roll it so i went i just went tell me the clues you know to solve the murder and then he started rubbing my tummy while lady godwin just started floating and she's like holy fuck okay uh

uh i would say like the weirdest thing i mean i don't even know if it's related we got a combined total of 57 you better know a lot she holds up the beach towel and she's like a bunch of the towels in the castle have these like weird blue stains on them.

It's like that, and clearly, let's be honest, blood stains.

Yeah, man, he died.

And yeah, a bunch of them do.

So,

blue, like, kind of ink kind of thing, and like blood, it's weird, man.

Brother Philo, you're good with substances.

Can you detect what this blue gunk is?

Well, let me investigate.

Wow.

See, I'm trying to make it seamlessly work into the towel.

It's like watching a movie in my mind.

I take a real close look at her beach towel.

And

don't see much anything with a nine.

Yeah, with a nine, the closer you look at her beach towel, the more weirded out she is.

It says stolen.

It says stolen from wings.

So that was the only thing.

Okay.

Can I use my enhanced primal bear senses to smell the beach towel?

You sure can, but I'm going to warn you, if you fail, it's going to go bad.

So is this perception or investigation?

I guess investigation,

if I'm following my nose.

Here we go.

This is a four minus one.

Yep.

Boo-boo.

Hey, boo-boo-bear.

It's a four-minus one, boo-boo.

You lean in and take a big huff of her towel, and she immediately spins it tight and whips you in the face and you're going to take three points of damage.

Fair.

That's totally fair.

Why'd you do that?

I'm just looking for clues.

Well, it's kind of my normal reaction when a bear huffs my towel.

Huff my towel, bear.

I accidentally ate a bunch of weed leaves earlier, and I'm not myself.

Oh, from Hamlet?

Yeah.

what's his deal listen I love the guy he's like a brother to me but um

yeah he's gotten

where's it's a weird reaction where's your dad

my dad

bolonius indeed he's the old dude over there talking with the king and queen so he's still alive I don't want to talk to him.

What about Rosa Grant and Guildenstein?

They're the other two young dudes.

You know what?

Let's just go down the list and you tell us who everyone is in this room.

Okay?

Done.

We do that.

That's done.

Can we do that?

We got a Rosengrads.

Are you guys good here?

Are we good?

We're good.

I think so.

Laertes is like so boring.

Nothing personal.

You don't hear that.

No, I understand.

No, I understand.

It's not telling you that about myself.

Okay.

Let's go to Rosengrads at Gildenstern.

I think we got everything we're going to get out of this channel.

I mean, Ophelia, for real, be killed.

Oh, I pushed Laertes over before I left.

Do a strength check for me.

Okay.

How much?

okay.

You want me to show you what?

No, no, no, Dad.

It's good.

Thank you.

Seven plus three, ten.

He wavers a lot, but doesn't go over.

Wow.

Okay.

Impressed.

Good.

Good instincts.

Ophelia, do be careful around bodies of water.

I'm

from the future.

And it goes bad.

We're supposed to make sure no one dies here today.

It's sort of a quantum leap situation.

Roll a persuasion check check for me.

Sure thing.

I'm a cute little bear.

And that's another one.

Yeah, you should be careful, Drown Water.

Now listen here, bear.

I was willing to accept a talking bear, but a talking bear from the future?

That's one step.

Too far.

And she whips you with a tail again for another three points of damage.

You You know, in the first folio, Hamlet did include a protracted scene where Witty the Pooh tried to talk Ophelia out of

drowning.

So this is actually very like adhering to the text, Trash.

I love the rest.

And she looks at you and says, now I'm going to exit, and I better not be pursued by a bear.

And Ophelia leaves.

We should have saw that, Colleen.

We should have.

Okay, I go to Rosenkrantz and I say, hell, Gildenstone, you got a moment?

it's a power play

no i'm i'm rosenkrantz oh and he's wearing a name tag that says rosenkrantz

fascinating i guess i missed it yes and he's gildenstern and he's wearing a name tag that says rosenkrantz

shit

that'll happen

so who killed the king

We're in sort of a hurry.

Sorry, this is lead investigator Winnie the Pooh.

I just made Sergeant.

Today's my last day.

But you just made Sergeant.

It's also his first day.

It's my first day.

No need to keep working when you solve all the crime.

I think he just died.

That happens to you, humans, so often.

When a bear dies, it's usually for a pretty good reason.

Name three.

Eaten too much, honey.

Pecked to death by crows.

Car.

Those are the three, honey, crows, and car.

You know, two of those also happen to humans.

No kidding.

Yeah.

I won't say what you.

Okay.

So, what exactly was the react?

Is there scuttlebutt about the

king dies?

Do people talk about it?

Is that what you mean?

Yeah, I mean, come on.

The king just,

you know, just croaks like that.

Yeah, maybe there are people talking.

Yeah, what are they saying?

They're saying, oh, man, the king died.

What a bummer.

Sure, sure, sure.

But there's no, like, Warren Commission investigation or...

Oh, well, we're worried about Fortinbras and his whole deal coming down.

and like attacking us now that the king's dead and our position's been weakened.

Fortune broth.

Fortune bra.

But

he's not on the list, so we're

not possibly.

He's at least one place worth a day.

Walk away.

Okay, how confused.

Yeah.

I go over to Ophelia and I snatch her towel of her hand, and then I come back over to Polonius.

I'm like, hey, what do you make of this?

Wait, you're going to a different dude entirely?

No, we were talking to Polonius.

I thought it was a Rose of Grants and Gildenstern.

Oh, that's right.

Polonius is like, huh?

And I'm like, never mind.

I go to Rosa Grants and Gildenstern.

What do you make of this?

Oh, well, I can make a goose.

I can make a frog.

I can make a goose.

No, he's having fun.

I was.

Okay.

I would very much like to see him make a goose out of a piece of fabric.

Not a swan.

Do it for me.

But a goose.

Sorcerer.

Show me your

body.

It's not real, Paul.

It's a game of dice and theater of the mind, and he makes a 12's worth of goose.

My God.

Yeah, I'm still learning, self-taught.

Anyways, you were asking about, like, the dead king?

Right now we're asking about the stinky blue goo

this

yeah it looks like like blue ink okay thank you all right this is that this guy's made of steel what do you all have

oh is this like from the king yes it's none of your business i associate him more with red what do you mean oh you know now that i think about it It's probably because he got these new red shoes and he wouldn't shut up about them.

It was the whole thing.

You remember that?

Yeah, I remember that.

I remember that too.

What did you do?

They were burgundy?

Are you you by the way?

You don't even need us on this show, do you?

So, wait, he had red shoes.

Oh, yeah.

Is that a clue?

Because it seems extraordinarily abstract.

A clue to what?

What?

The murder mystery that we're doing tonight.

We have murder mystery.

Another murder mystery.

Do you have any writing experience?

Me?

Well, that's who I'm looking at.

Or did you mean him?

Yeah.

Do any of you have writing experience?

Yes?

Okay, you don't have to brag.

What about you, Rosenkrantz?

Yes.

And you, Rosenkrantz?

Yes.

Well, then perhaps you could spin a tale in your mind where someone has murdered a king under very mysterious circumstances involving blue ink of some kind.

Maybe the ink was poisoned.

That's good.

That's kind of first thought, though.

Give me some time to work on it.

I'm going to roll insight to see if that is truly.

These guys seem like they're withholding.

Yeah, this is what I'm trying to figure out.

I got a 19.

Very good.

Plus 322.

So it does seem like they have more information about the day of.

They're kind of gossips and eavesdroppers and stuff like that.

So you get the impression that maybe there's stuff that they do know that maybe they're not being forthright with because they don't want to get in trouble.

Okay.

Hey, stop lying or I'll devour you whole.

Make an intimidation check for me with advantage because you're a bear.

Sure.

Hold on.

Like if a human being said to me, stop lying or I'll devour you whole.

I think that that might still be pretty intimidating.

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Intimidation with advantage, thank goodness.

That is an 18.

Yeah, with an 18,

one of them, you're not sure if it's Rosengrants or Gildenstern, doesn't matter, paces himself a little bit.

Gross.

And the other one says, okay, listen, we were in the castle that day,

and we might have been outside the king's door.

Sorry,

speak more clearly.

We were outside the king's door listening, trying to figure out, you know, what was going on.

And there was a lot of like muttering.

So first, there was a lot of like footsteps in the room, right?

Because we were underneath there with Claudius hanging out.

And there was like footsteps in the room above us, like real fast.

And then like a thud.

And then Claudius went running up.

Was it a thud above you or was it a thud in the king's room?

The king's room was above us.

So yes?

What were you doing just sort of listening in on the king's bedroom?

Are you perverts?

Yeah.

I appreciate how forthright you were with that well this is olden times but being a pervert is still pretty okay

okay so continue your story so there was a thud Claudius went running off he's in there for like 20 minutes came back out with you know some like dirty towels

and like a big bundle of like papers and stuff

and then started calling for help.

Okay, so earlier when I was asking if something weird had happened around the death of the king, and you were like, no,

why did you lie?

Oh, because we've actually been in trouble a couple of times for eavesdropping and gossiping.

I see.

And, you know, we thought you were a narc.

No, not me.

Hey, later on, Hamlet's going to give you a pretty important letter to deliver to the King of England.

Oh, awesome.

It's so important you deliver it.

It's really, really important the King of England sees what's on that letter.

Yes, okay.

Now, you may be told by the King of England staffers that he's busy with some king shit.

This is inaccurate.

It's super duper, super important that he definitely gets the letter, yes?

Okay, cool.

And it's super duper duper important that you don't break the seal and read it ahead of time.

Super duper duper ooper.

Are you guys from the future?

This guy gets it.

Let's go to the next person.

At this point, everybody, a chime goes off, a grandfather clock goes off, and everybody's like, oh, it's time.

Don't you guys need to get ready?

And they shuffle off into the mortal coil of the performance space.

And Hamlet comes over and he's like, hey guys, glad I found you.

Doing a little sneaky trickery.

You guys are going to love this.

We're still on the murder mystery.

Yeah, this is part of it.

This is part of it.

Oh, cool.

I've arranged for the players to do a scene about a brother marrying or murdering his brother and then marrying his brother's wife.

One more time, just so I have all everything clear.

A brother murders a brother and marries his wife.

It's going to freak my uncle's shit out.

So it's like what you think happened?

Note for note.

So you're just doing a prank on your uncle?

To what to what end?

Because if he didn't murder my dad, he'd be totally cool watching a play about a brother murder a brother and marry his brother's wife.

But if he's made uncomfortable by that scenario at all, I'll know he's guilty.

It's extremely specious.

What if he just doesn't like it because he's like...

Is this what people think happened?

This is so hurtful.

Well, what if he did do it and he sees the scene and he's like, nice.

That's exactly how I did it.

This is a pretty funny play.

I actually like this play a lot.

This is the best one I've seen.

I killed my own dang brother that way.

What a co-winked ink.

I'm going to sue for my life rights.

They shouldn't be stealing these beats.

This plan sucks shit, Hamlet.

You guys are absolutely correct.

And I feel so dumb now.

I know how to fix it.

Come with me.

Oh, great.

And he leads you and he pushes you out through the curtain.

And the player king says, oh, good.

Okay, the understudies are here.

All right.

Hi, everybody.

I'm the player king.

Welcome to the show.

Hi, how's it going?

Hey, thank you.

Tonight, we're going to be putting on the murder of Gonzago.

You know it, right?

These three are going to be playing the main parts, but before we get started, we're going to need some suggestions from the audience.

All right.

What is a profession Gonzago could have?

Raise your hand if you got one.

What is it?

Chiropractor.

Excellent, excellent.

What is something someone could pour into someone's ear to murder them?

Molten lead.

Please say molten lead.

And finally, what is the name of Gonzago's wife?

Let's get someone from over here.

Margaret.

Okay,

so

you're going to be the murderer.

You're going to be Gonzago.

You're going to be Margaret Gonzago's wife.

Chiropractor, murdering with molten lead, Margaret.

And go!

So, did you fill out all the paperwork at the front of the office?

No.

Well,

yes, yes.

Oh, good.

Have you been to a chiropractor before?

Yes.

And what did they do to you?

Just say what a chiropractor does.

What a what does?

Just guess.

Did they, did they?

Just guess.

What the chiropractor did to me was that he tickled my tummy and fed me sweet sticky honey.

Yes, yes, we have reports of that sometimes happening.

Would you say that

it's mostly in your lower back or in your upper back?

No, pretty much right on the tummy.

So lower back front.

No, no back stuff at all, just mostly tummy.

How long has he been complaining about this?

He never stops.

Reminder, dad is the victim.

Anyway,

you you may be a chiropractor, but you're also my kin, my brother?

Awesome.

Why does he also have to be a chiropractor?

It's a scene.

It's the start of a herald.

I don't think I'm allowed to see you.

I mean, it's, you know, professional ethics and everything.

I can't really chiropract you.

Yes, of course.

Does anyone want to make a perception check to see how this is going with Claudius so far?

I don't think I need to, Travis.

Just kind of listening to the crowd reaction.

I know it's going over Gang a buster's persuasion.

What is it?

Perception.

I roll a 17 plus none.

17 plus 6, 23.

Wow.

Okay.

If Claudius is getting anything out of this,

he is living a pretty strange existence.

He is.

You can see a mixture of confusion with the 23 of like confusion, obviously, at what's going on.

Right, right, right.

But also, like, so it's a brother and a brother and a brother's wife?

Okay.

Huh.

Really lock in on him.

Hey, check out what I'm gonna do to you now.

Yeah, you got a lot.

You got the bottle of poison, sweetie?

Actually, it's molten lead.

You got the molten lead, sweetie?

Yep.

Point.

Point.

It's weird.

Is it poison?

Well, it's molten lead, honey.

Okay, it's either poison or molten lead.

It's a mix of both, a little cocktail.

Check this out.

Nope.

If you plug your ears.

Yeah, and it seems like Gonzago is plugging his ears for those of you at home.

Is that good for improv or bad?

Just keep going.

Keep going.

Well, then I'll put it in my own ears.

Is this anything?

Okay, what happens then?

Zowie, Zowie.

It worked, darling.

Yeah, let me use this.

Okay, I pour the bolt and lead into dad's ear.

Okay, all three of you make a performance check.

A 20?

A nat 20, Justin?

A natural 20.

No, wait, hold on.

Yeah, it's a natural 20.

Okay.

I think that mine shouldn't count because Justin got a natural 20.

Because I got my second nat one of the live show.

All right.

I'm going to.

Which, hey, yeah, it feels right to me.

Dad, your turn.

You can't actually be dead for the rest of the show.

Clinton.

That's too easy and out.

Roll performance.

It was sweet for about 30 seconds.

That is a 12.

All right.

Okay.

I'm going to say...

Yeah.

So, with the nat 20.

Don't pretend like you just did some sort of advanced math.

You did.

It's more of a gut.

It's an art.

There's art here.

It's, hey, Griffin.

It was going to be a success, but now.

Ah, yeah.

Punish him.

I didn't make it any worse than mine.

With above a 10 and a nat 20, it cancels out Griffin's shitty one.

Yeah, nice.

And

against all odds, Claudius springs to his feet in a reaction.

Now, admittedly, it's not quite sure what part he is responding to, but he has definitely seen enough.

Well, hold on, let's do it again, but we'll separate the parts out.

Was it the chiropractor stuff you didn't like?

No.

The ear stuff?

I wasn't wild about that.

We got him.

Book him.

It's pretty challenging material.

I don't blame you.

I'm going to go.

And he runs away.

And Hamlet sprays to his feet and goes, I got him.

Yeah, ironclad stuff.

It'll totally hold up in a court of Danish law.

And he draws a dagger.

Oh, wait.

What, wait, wait.

And he chases after.

Claudius

into the room.

And everybody freaks out.

Everybody flees into the different hallways.

And you're left alone in the performance room for just a second.

Because then in the middle of the stage, directly in front of the three of you, a ghost appears.

And he looks at you and at first is completely blank-faced.

And then his eyes flash one red, one blue.

He smiles maliciously and disappears.

That seems a little sparkling.

And that's where we're going to take our intermission today, everybody.

Don't rush.

Go get some of those posters by Anna Rhodes and have a fun intermission.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

just like the state of things and whatever

no they're only ever wanting one thing and that's for me to get the smalls out dad we don't know how to

yeah they love the smooth bird dad we want our smooth bird we can't we don't have jobs

we can't buy our own food we don't know how to order things dad we're so scared we're cats and we've gained complete uh human intelligence what's happening where are we yeah Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.

And it's delivered right to your door.

And cats.com named it their best overall cat food.

And get this after switching to smalls 88 of cat owners report overall health improvements for smalls food that's a big deal

for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that justin i was really proud

sorry trav that was great thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash adventure Hey, this week we're coming to.

Sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join us.

What are you doing?

It's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question, you

got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in austin and also doing what trap what are we doing in austin buddy well we're doing uh adventure zone versus hercules and it's going to be a real treat you're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life

we're also coming to utah and california later this year tickets for all those shows are on sale now more info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash mcElroy tours Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we got a new month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and me.

We serve it up every monday for you if you're listening and if not we just leave it out back and goes rotten so check it out on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts

all right we're over 70 episodes into our show let's learn everything so let's do a quick progress check have we learned about quantum physics yes episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Did you have a nice pee?

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We're the world's only Joe Rogan podcast fancast.

You're joining us for another hit recording.

You guys like that last episode?

Yeah, man.

Good stuff.

Yeah, good stuff.

I like the way he's just an ordinary guy asking questions.

I don't know anything else about this man's pro.

Yeah, I bet he's not pretend.

We could guess.

Yeah, probably.

Hilariously, I know more about Hamlet.

When last we left off.

It was like 15 minutes ago.

Okay, tell me what happened.

Well, the ghost turned out to be a bad ghost, not a friendly ghost, with two different colored eyes.

That was pretty spooky stuff, man.

I've been back there backstage for the last 15 minutes, just having a full panic attack, thinking about it.

Yeah.

He was really scared.

I had to help him calm down.

Hamlet's going to kill Claudius if we don't stop him.

That's it.

Okay.

I'm giving chase to Hamlet.

I'm chasing Hamlet.

Same.

Okay.

I'm trying to stop him.

Give me

a.

Whatever check you can justify to track him.

Athletics?

Yeah.

Speed?

Can I use nature?

You know what?

Even my plus six won't do much good when I roll a two in athletics to try to catch Hamlet, the notoriously athletic Prince of Timbart.

I imprinted on him.

Can I use nature to track?

Of course.

It was very...

Sorry, can I resolve my incredible attempt at tracking Hamlet?

You run into the door frame.

Oof!

Okay.

Oh, ow!

I got an 11.

Philo, anything you want to try?

I did athletics for 13.

That's the best one, Clint.

Dad's got a new thing where he'll roll and then decide if he's going to tell us about it or not.

You got to ask, like,

another filter to success.

Philo takes off on his little puppet legs.

Wow.

After Hamlet.

Dad's wearing bells.

I don't know if you would appreciate this.

Dad has bells on his shoes, which at first I was like, that's annoying.

And then I was like, that's handy.

That's useful.

Yeah, it's good.

It's nice to know where dad is at all times.

We haven't been to this theater wandering around backstage.

He could get lost.

He could get lost.

He could get scared.

He gets lost of good, good, good, ghosts.

All right.

So you are able to track him to a kind of dead-end hallway with a couple of doors, but you lose track of him.

There's a couple open doors.

So the three of you are now in this hallway with a couple open doors, not exactly sure which one he went into.

What do you want to do now?

We should definitely split up.

Hmm, you think it's always a good idea in these games.

I doubt there's going to be a spike trap where people live here.

Look over there.

Yeah.

There will be a spike trap.

Hey, Winnie,

make a Constitution saving throw for me.

That's only fair, Travis.

Constitution saving throw.

Here we go.

Plus zero.

Okay, is the check possibly a one?

Because I got a two.

You better be so glad you didn't get a one, Griffin.

You start to hear some really funky music playing in your brain.

Colors get really vibrant.

Oh, no.

You're really enjoying the feeling of things.

Guys, you're not going to believe this.

He went up.

And I'm going to.

Can I cast?

Can I cast?

Winnie, please listen to me.

You're made of pure energy.

What's your spellcasting ability based on?

What is it based on?

Wisdom.

Oh, no.

You do have disadvantage on anything wisdom and intelligence-based.

Oh, really?

Yeah, because you're high as shit.

I was going to use Melda's stone to go up through the sea.

Just no clip looking for Prince Hamlet.

Yeah, okay.

Do you need to roll for that?

I don't think I do.

Just for eight hours, I enter stone.

And then you do hear me say, I'm stuck.

I've got to stop doing this.

I try to pull him.

Wait, actually, hold on.

Roll a D20 for me.

Okay.

Just straight up.

I'll use my fanciest one.

10.

Okay, with a 10.

Yeah.

What you guys see is Winnie the Boot jumps up, lands back down on the ground and goes i'm stuck i'm stuck in the ceiling i'm stuck in the ceiling

um i'm gonna die in the scandinavian ceiling okay i'm gonna check my rations for honey

14.

you have honey a little bit do you want some honey how much a little bit

can you be more specific

you have one smack roll to you.

Thank you, Suck.

One smack roll to me.

One smack roll, it seems.

I'm still stuck in the ceiling, but it's more chill now.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lady God.

Glad to help, I guess.

Yeah, you've evened out a little bit.

You're feeling a little bit more

yourself.

I'm going to take a back seat on making any big decisions for a few.

Everybody, make a perception check for me.

Two.

Six.

Jesus, man.

No, wait, nine.

Nine, okay.

Not a six, a nine.

No, I just.

We got to start rolling funnier numbers, gang.

Papa, what'd you got?

11.

Okay, really good.

Yeah, it was at 10.

So you can hear a kerfuffle coming from one of the three rooms, and you know which one it is.

That way.

Yeah.

Once again, little puppet legs.

Take off, run.

Clackety, clackety, clackety, clackity.

Jingle, jingle, jingle.

Super quick, Travis, just because I can imagine.

How tall is Winnie the Pooh?

Why are you asking me?

Griffin, I'm three apples high.

Okay.

That can't be.

So can I...

Just for, like, canonically.

How big are the apples?

Like, they're just like, like, canonically,

Lady...

Melinda for Godwin is this big, tall, barbarian woman, and she's just got these two little these two little homunculi I mean like these two little insane little like a puppet and a bear what do people make of her like what do they think she is the kerfuffle is this way mommy

I followed the bear and the puppet I guess I mean like

I do like in my brain driven depending on what action you decide to take it flips whether it's a real bear or a stuffed animal yeah sure just when you're like cute bear rubbing his tumbling, I'm like, stuffed animal.

And you're like, I'm going to eat you.

And I'm like, real bear.

And it just goes back and forth in my brain, depending on what thing is.

That is the druidic nature of that.

That's my wild shape, Travis.

It's real.

When you enter into the doorway, what you see is Hamlet knife drawn, eyes flashing red.

Gertrude in the middle of the room, panicking, putting herself between Hamlet and the window with the curtains drawn.

and you can see the curtains kind of moving around.

Very clearly, someone is behind there.

And Hamlet's like, I'm going to get him.

I'm going to stab that guy.

Hey, mom, move out of the way.

Let me kill my dad.

Philo casts Webb.

Help me.

Wait, where does that come out of, you?

Well, we're going to, hold on.

Hold that thought for a second.

Yeah, we'll get to the orifice roll.

I send you to cast Webb.

What?

What is.

So mechanically, in DD, you can't just say, I do this thing.

Okay, you conjure a mass of thick, thick, sticky webbing.

Really thick and really sticky.

Why would you do this?

This is vulgar.

I'm just reading the words.

At the point of your choice within range, it fills a 20-foot cube.

Wow, that's...

What do these people think webs are?

A cube of webs?

That's not a metric of webs.

I don't know.

I've never seen a spider really push himself.

Let me see what I can do.

That's what killed Charlotte.

Okay.

I think it was old age.

Wait a minute.

Charlotte.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, listen.

The webs are difficult terrain.

I can read it.

It's right here.

You do.

And lightly obscure.

Dad didn't want to read it because it makes his spells sound like junk.

Do I need to make a check?

Is what I'm asking.

Oh.

Holy shit, there's a nice.

mob gone.

If the webs aren't anchored with scary shall masses or laid across the bottom, so welcome, Travis.

Oh, no, that's a four.

Yeah, Hamlet is in that web.

Oh, man.

Isn't this the way it always goes?

Can I say, it looks like it kind of goes with your whole aesthetic.

Thanks, bro.

Now, make a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage.

Okay.

That's a fucking 19 19 and uh

uh okay, wait, 11 plus 11 plus

uh

six seventeen.

Oh, okay.

It was a DC 15.

For a second, you're panicked when these webs, what you see is like the trails come flying out of Philo.

And you're like, but then you see it like out of his fingers and they're like beautiful rainbows, and it's totally chilling.

And it's out of my nose, by the way.

You asked what it came out of.

It comes out of my nose.

So that's what it really comes out of.

I was setting up kind of a vision thing he was having.

I'm not saying Philo the puppet sneezes and webs shoot out.

That's cool.

Well, his nose is the whole focal point.

I move the curtain aside.

Careful, partner.

You are about to stab the wrong cowboy.

Hi, I'm Polonius.

I'm an advisor around here.

I didn't think he'd actually be a cowboy.

Wow.

Wow.

That kind bud has given me the power of prognostication.

Let me ask you a question, little bear man.

Yes, old-timey prospector.

Would you consider yourself more of a borrower or a lender?

Why, neither of them be.

Good answer.

Thanks.

That was a test.

I like you.

What's your name?

I just saved...

We saved your life like moments ago.

What?

Yeah, he was going to stab the dickens out of me.

It's true.

The bear has future sight.

It's been quite perplexing.

Hamlet?

The bear?

No, I know.

I'm addressing Hamlet.

He doesn't have a name.

Do you have a name, Bear?

It's Winnie the Pooh.

Fascinating!

Winnie the Pooh, he says.

So is Winnie the Pooh like your middle and last name?

Vaugh is my middle name.

You're like Smokey the Bear.

Do you know Smokey the Bear?

Is that racist to ask?

It's Barrist, which is...

So you're embarrassed.

We're like five layers deep on what is essentially a non-joke to begin with.

Hamlet?

Yeah.

Were you gonna kill me?

Yeah.

I didn't know was you though, man.

I was just driven by like pure anger.

I thought you were my stepdad.

Oh, okay.

Wait, what?

I punched Polonius in the stomach.

You work for me now, Todd.

Make an intimidation, Jay?

Should be no problem.

I picked the weakest one in the room and I went with it.

It's a 19.

Yes, of course!

Plus 3, 22.

Yes, of course, my lady.

Tell me it.

Call her mommy.

Yes, of course, mommy.

Tell me everything you know.

Tell me everything you know about the murder of the king.

Which one?

Smack him in the face.

Oh, yeah, sorry, mommy.

The one that got murdered!

I'm actually gonna need you to backpedal on the mommy stuff.

But it's too deep in me now.

May I be excused from the scene?

You mean most certainly not?

Murder of the king.

Oh, you mean old Hamlet?

Sure.

Is that his name?

That was the dad's name.

Not Doug.

The dad's name.

Oh, do you want to call him by his first name?

Green Eggs.

This room is hard to be.

Hey, Travis, I just got an email that said no.

It said, tell Travis, wow, no, it says.

It's from fucking Ticketmaster, dude.

Ticketmaster, dude.

It's from the Bojangle Center.

They said it's too close to the Bojangle Center for that.

Please stop.

Listen, did...

Did...

Was there a murder most foul of the king by his brother, Claudius?

No, I don't think so.

But I mean, listen, he was very healthy.

I'm surprised if he got of natural causes, he had just taken up running.

And he had these new red shoes.

Oh, yes, beautiful red running shoes.

He loved to run.

And he was very healthy.

I wanted you to know, your daughter Ophelia has this towel.

This blue ink.

Do you make anything of it?

Oh, you know, the king loved to draw.

Loves to draw.

Draw?

Yes, he was quite young.

I thought you said jog.

No, both.

He ran.

You can be artsy and a jog at the same time.

I know.

It's a consonance issue.

We're running into.

He liked to jog

and draw.

Okay.

Not at the same time.

Which I can't stress enough.

Run for health and do art.

Can we go with that?

Yes.

Excellent.

Can I try and get that?

I never saw the drawings, by the way, just to make it clear.

Should we find the drawings?

It seems like it could be a clue.

Hamlet, I'm going to need that that knife.

But it's my

favorite knife.

Oh, he's all webbed up.

It's my favorite knife.

I might take the knife.

He's all webbed up.

Oh, man.

Let me get you down from there.

No!

Nope.

I think we're fine with him there, right?

I gotta be a great poet.

Hey, man, I don't want to kill Polonius.

I like him.

We can't kill anyone, or else I think we're stuck here forever, which would be your fate worse than death.

Yes, the portal will close.

Okay.

We met the ghost, by the way.

On my dad?

Your dad Hamlet.

Old Hamlet.

Yes, old Hamlet.

Did he have crazy-looking eyes for you, too?

I don't remember that.

I think I'd remember if he did.

I'm going to say no.

Do you mean in real life or in ghost form?

In ghost form.

Definitely not in real life.

Maybe in ghost form.

You got to throw us a bone here.

Let me think.

Yeah.

Okay.

Like Neil McDonough.

Listen, it's super important that.

Neil McDonough is an actor as well.

Yeah, we're gonna have to do it.

He's definitely the most relatable person with heterochromia that you could have chosen.

He's in Paul Blair Malcove, too.

That's true, but not everyone in the world.

I can't believe I have to explain this to you.

He's in a Star Trek movie, too.

Thanks, Dan.

You stay right there.

We can't have you killing anyone while we investigate.

But I got a piss, girl.

That's fine.

Will you just say I got a piss, girl?

I guess I did.

Everyone out of the room.

We're leaving Hamlet in here.

I want to talk to Gertrude.

Is that possible?

Yeah, I'm right here.

Wait, Gertrude is...

Oh, yeah, I guess Gertrude's in this scene, too.

Is Gertrude in this room with us even now?

Yeah, I'm right here.

You've been so quiet.

Give us a song.

There's a lot going on.

The little puppet man sneezed webs out and caught my son.

And the bear is sometimes real and sometimes not.

It a barely has future sight

may i may i may i make a oh one moment of course yeah listen you're kind of on the same level with gert why don't you why don't you talk to her

lady to lady is well i meant royalty to royalty if you want to make it a sex thing that's fine no it's so lady does not anyway it's not a royalty you know it's just a okay

so not everyone who talks like this is a queen no i know yes boy king no He's a bear.

What's that like?

He's a bear.

I'm a puppet.

What?

I said, sorry, there was some crosstalk.

Boinking your brother-in-law, eh?

What's that like?

Make an inside check.

I'm pretty good at those, actually.

Weird.

All three of you can.

Okay.

Inside check.

10.

Another funny roll.

Really good one.

That is a 16.

That is a

17.

16.

17 minus 116.

Okay.

So two out of the three of you, and I won't say which two,

clock that when you say...

And I don't know which two.

Just even listening to you, I didn't roll high enough to know.

She reacts in a way that

makes it clear to you, like, that's not what's happening.

Oh.

You're not boinking your brother-in-law.

What's that like?

I don't really want to talk about it in front of Hamlet.

He's pretty well webbed up.

We can go literally out in the hallway if you want to.

Yeah, let's do that.

Okay.

Hamlet, you good?

Yeah.

You guys step out in the hallway like, okay, here's...

Okay.

You seem like three trustworthy outsiders.

Based on what?

We're only a person if you round up.

Like...

There's something about the little bear, the puppet clown man, and you, lady with a soda on.

The Halloween, all the classics of the Italian Renaissance.

Yeah.

It was very much a marriage of convenience.

My husband died.

Which one?

Sorry.

Old Hamlet.

Old Hamlet died.

Not new Hamlet.

You're not married to him.

Gross.

Yet.

You got plans?

No, I just haven't read the play that closely.

Okay.

And so then Hamlet would have been king?

Yes.

You met him, right?

So you...

Mm.

So you...

Mm.

So you married

your brother-in-law so that your son wouldn't become king because he sucked so badly.

He's just not.

He's just not ready for it.

He's only 33.

We have been tasked with an important mission to help him get his groove back.

But I know he lost it.

Really?

Really?

There have been, now that you mention it, there have been some makeup and wardrobe changes.

Yes.

So you don't know anything about the murder?

It was a murder.

No, he died.

I think.

Did you keep your husband's shoes?

Sorry.

Did you keep your husband's shoes?

You can't set Chekhov's shoes in the room and be like, oh, what shoes?

Did you keep your husband's shoes?

Did you keep your husband's shoes?

I have listened to

so many murder mysteries.

Yeah.

And it's just rare to come across a sentence that I have no frame of reference.

I've got the husband's shoes clues blues.

I need all the shoes I can use for the clues.

Make a persuasion, Chang?

That's a one, but I rolled a D6, so it's not really that bad.

Yeah, that don't count, all things considered.

I can beat that with a two.

I rolled a 19 plus

three for 22.

Oh, is

his, oh,

his new red running shoes.

Lose them, yes.

Yes, I did.

I did keep them.

Where are they?

I mean, in that I haven't gotten rid of of them yet.

It was only last month.

Okay.

Can we see them?

It may be either vitally important to solving the crime or completely not important to solving the crime.

If there is a crime.

Okay.

Yeah, right in here.

She leads you into the bedroom that's right across from her room, into the king's room.

And everybody make a perception check for me.

Gladly.

I'm pretty good at those.

21, 19.

Wow.

A hilarious 12 okay everyone who's not dad when you go in

um

it

even now it's very faint but it's very clear a lot of like cleaning solution kind of smell very um and where where sorry where are we

in the king's chamber where the murder took place

and um

With a 21,

even with the cleaning and stuff, with your bare senses,

You can see like some like touches of stains on like the rug and the furniture and stuff of like the blood and this blue ink.

And it seems like it's been thoroughly cleaned.

And she reaches into the closet and pulls out this pair of like red sneakers,

white stripes on the side.

white base and she's like yes these I he only got them quite recently but he loved them yes okay listen Look at me.

I'm a barbarian.

He's a bear.

You can do magic.

Please.

You have to rise to competence just for a moment.

Please, look at the shoes and just do something useful.

Any magic detection, your magical skills, anything.

We're both so ill-equipped for this.

I beg of you.

Something.

You've got it.

I believe in you, Pinocchio.

Um, come on.

Yes, flaming sphere ought to do it.

Yes, mouse acid arrows should definitely do the trick.

A clue?

Just shut up and let me think!

Okay, um,

okay.

I cast

guidance.

Fuck yeah.

On the shoes.

They're gonna start walking towards the answer.

Just before the spell ends, the target can roll a D4 and add the number rolled to one ability.

Check if it's choice.

This one ain't it.

Is that okay?

No, that's not it.

No, no, no, no.

I think it's good.

Can shoes roll?

Well, the ones with those little wheels in the bottom are healies.

They're healies.

Wheelies.

Investigate the shoes while he's

trying to furiously flipping through his spill.

That is a 17.

Yes, with a 17,

the shoes, what you find on the bottom is a streak and up the side of this blue ink.

Okay.

And with a 17, it's very much in a pattern of like touching the bottom and scraping on the side.

Oh, wait a minute.

And then you're stuck, right?

And you can't do anything.

And then dad is like,

I have an idea.

Oh, Google.

I cast identify on the shoes.

You choose one object that you must touch throughout the casting of the spell.

If it is a magic item or some other magic abute object.

It's not.

You learn its properties and how to use them.

Now wait.

Are they magic shoes?

Hey, I'm going to tell you right now.

No.

No, no.

Now, Travis, mama said they were my magic shoes.

So are you saying mama's lying about my magic shoes?

That's bullshit.

Let's let dad burn a spell slot.

Yeah.

For you to look at him and just go, shoes.

They're shoes.

They're red running shoes.

But he slipped and blue stuff fell.

Look at the last line, though, Dad.

If you instead touch a creature throughout the casting, you learn what spells, if any, are currently affecting it.

Is that anything?

I don't think so.

Fuck!

So maybe.

You never know.

And just then,

you hear another,

believe it or not, kerfuffle.

God dang.

Woo!

In the room back across the way that you left Hamlet all webbed up.

All right, I'm going to go check on Hamlet.

I should have left him a canteen or something.

None of you kill each other while we're gone.

When you enter the room, you find Laertes with a knife drawn on the webbed Hamlet yelling, you tried to kill my dad.

Come on.

He's like, yeah, man, because I thought he was the man who

did kill my dad.

Hey, how did you hear about that so fast?

Make a perception check, all three of you.

11.

A very

popular number tonight.

A two.

Yes, I heard the two, Justin.

My perception's so bad I couldn't tell if you did or not.

Nat 20.

Nat 20!

Yeah, Nat 20.

You see

you see Laerti's eyes flash blue, and for just a wisp of a second, you see almost like a ghostly silhouette leaning over his shoulder, and then it's gone.

I knew it.

I hate this guy.

I kick Laertes

as hard as I can.

Sorry, you kick Laertes?

As hard as I can.

I'm the one who punched your dad in the stomach.

If you have issues, take them up with me, child.

And Beleni says, no, please don't attack mommy.

15 plus 6.

6.

Attack roll?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, that hit.

Yeah.

Okay, I kicked him in the stomach to knock him away from Hamlet.

And I take his knife, too.

Stupid.

I push him to the ground.

Yeah, me.

Does Philo kneel down behind him when you do it?

Yeah, that's good.

He's fully bullied now.

What do you got, Dad?

Bullying saves lives.

Wait, hold on.

No.

Nope.

No, wait, my turn.

I dust him off.

I pick up Laertes and I dust him off.

I say, sorry, I got carried away.

Philo?

Philo casts sea invisibility.

Come on.

That's got to be something.

And what does it do?

It lets you see invisibility.

For the duration, you see invisible creatures.

and objects as if they were visible.

And you can see

it reeks of competence, Dad.

And you can see into the

note on your back.

Still got the note on your back.

Excellent.

Ethereal creatures and objects appear ghostly and translucent.

Fantastic.

ZONS!

And is there a check associated with it, or you just do it?

Just do it.

Yeah, there's no check.

Okay, great.

Yeah, you cast a spell, and you can see this ghostly form now

peeking over Laerti's shoulder.

and now that you can see invisibility,

you get a sense of it's a mixture of the blue and the red moving throughout.

Almost like when you have, like, you know, oil and water and one of those like tubes that like science teachers use to show you the different densities, where it's not quite mixing, it's like almost like a lava lamp, which would have been a much better

image in retrospect.

Of course.

And the ghost then clocks

that you can see it

and disappears.

And Laertes.

Wait, he can see invisible shit.

How does he do that?

Because his focus is now exactly where the ghost is.

Okay.

Now I get it.

Yeah.

He goes double invisible.

Like, like, I'm not invisible, but I can hide from you.

That's the liar.

He leaves the room.

The ghost is like, bye.

Oh, shit.

If you're going to be a pervert about it, I guess I'll go, weirdo and Laertes his like poise his he relaxes and he's still like caught in this I disarmed him though yes okay and he but he's like I I'm I I just want to hurt Hamlet and I'm not a hundred percent sure sure sure I pick up Laertes and I'm gonna hang him in the webs you'll be right here

In fact, everyone gathered around me.

I tell you what, all men in the webs.

If you're a man, get to the website.

Polonius says, I'll be.

All right, I chucked Polonius into the webs.

Yay!

Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, get over.

We were just passing by.

Doesn't matter, Webb, Web.

Web, all men in the Webs.

Thank you.

That goes for every one of you two.

All men in the Webs.

Leave it to the rest of us.

And Gertrude goes, you know what?

I think these boys just need to get their wiggles out.

You know what I mean?

Laertes, Hamlet.

They're just young 30-somethings.

You know how they are.

They get the zoomies.

They get the zoomies.

I would like to chase this ghost, to try to pursue this ghost

by any means that I have available to me.

I can't see invisible, though.

I'll go with you.

Thank you.

Okay,

I pick up Philo by the back of his hair.

I run around with him in front of me like with a lantern.

There, there, oh, there, there, there.

I'm using Philo to chase him.

I'm just picturing Philip.

Oh, wait, no, I scoop up one of them.

I've got them both.

I'm holding both of them out in front of me.

He's dual-wielding.

Both of my partners, my associates.

I like that so much.

You don't have to roll.

Yeah, with your special invisible detector, Philo, and your sniffer bear,

you're able to track him down

following into this kind of big hall, a lot like the great hall we were in before.

And when you get there, you're not able to spot exactly where the ghost is, but closely behind you come in Hamlet and Laertes, Plones, Claudius, Rosencrantz, Gilmerstern, Ophelia, Laertes, everybody.

You can see Laertes and Hamlet cleaning the webs off.

And they walk over to two racks and grab out fencing foils.

Oh, man.

And Gertrude's like, I have the best way for them to get their wiggles out.

We're going to do a little just like fencing standoff, uh kind of best of three kind of deal just let them burn through whatever piss and vinegar these young boys would like to check the weapons please okay to make sure they're safe

i'm a professional what skill are you using to do that uh investigation okay

they look fine this is the set

This is the set I designed.

That's great, Trav.

I designed this myself.

That's really good.

You should use that for a production of Hamlet.

Thank you.

They look fine.

These look like good weapons for fighting each other.

Excellent.

Yeah.

Can I...

Do I see the skull bong anywhere nearby?

Roll a D20 for me.

Okay.

I would assume Brother Philo picked it up.

17?

You know what happens when you assume?

Yeah, it's sitting on the bench next to Hamlet.

He never goes anywhere without Yorick.

Okay.

I say, let's bust these ghosts.

It may be just the one.

Let me try that again.

Time for this ghost to get busted.

I'll light it up and smash it on the ground to cast fairy fire.

Objects in a 20-foot cube within range are outlined in blue, green, or violet light.

Let's go with violet.

And it's outlined if it fails to take serious saving throw.

And objects and affected creatures shed dim light in a 10-foot radius and cannot benefit from the invisible condition.

If any of those, that ghost is around,

that's him.

Yeah, the ghost appears in the middle of the room and does a dramatic point at Claudius and you see Hamlet's eyes flash red and he goes, this is it, man.

This is the time.

I'm going to kill mine uncle because he killed my dad.

And he draws his rapier.

Wait!

I don't think he actually did.

If we look at all the clues, and I just pick up the shoes.

There's a slippy mark here on the bottom, which makes me think your dad had an old-fashioned uh-oh after spilling some ink on the ground.

He did a little slip, uh-oh, fell, bonked his head, and then he died from it instantly.

Turning him into a ghost.

Turning him into this bad ghost.

QED with different eyes like character actor Neil McDonough.

Case closed.

And Claudius says, it's true.

You know everything.

He loved Sonic the Hedgehog.

Hold on, wait.

What?

What?

We don't know about that part of it.

Start over.

Start over the whole thing, Claudius.

I thought you knew everything.

Well, you know the birds.

We do, but say it out loud for everyone else as well.

It's kind of a bird's eye kind of thing.

We need to drill down a bit.

He was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog.

Right.

And he would sit in his room.

all day drawing pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog and dressed as Sonic the Hedgehog.

And he would run around his room in his red Sonic the Hedgehog sneakers, yelling, gotta go fast, gotta go fast.

And then he slipped on one of his Sonic the Hedgehog fan arts and hit his head on the chest and died.

And then I had to clean him up and get rid of the drawing so no one would know that he was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog and that's how he died.

Travis,

I guess this beat for beat three minutes in and I just didn't want to blow it for you.

I didn't want to blow it for the obvious if you think about it.

Yeah.

I can't believe you guys figured it out.

So

time to leap.

Why am I and as you figure this out the ghost splits in twain

and Sonic and Knuckles and six

Six skeletons enter in through the archways and holds a chaos gem in their hand.

Wait.

And the

candelabras all along the walls spring into purple flame.

There is a red horned demon and a blue,

much more like wasted kind of ethereal demon.

Have you guys been here this whole time?

And the blue demon says, Indeed, we have.

Then why didn't I see you?

We were the ghost.

You saw the ghost in this hand.

Where was the ghost?

What are you doing here?

This is our playground.

It's not.

It's one of Shakespeare's saddest works.

Now,

thanks to us, vengeance and wrath.

It's a little heavy-handed, though, don't you think?

Yeah.

But now we know their names, vengeance and wrath.

And if you know a demon's name, you can exorcise them.

Thanks, Clinton McElroy.

You didn't sound very confident when you said that, sir.

That's because it was Clint McElroy.

And he left out a word in there.

A demon's true name is the kind of thing he didn't say there.

Why don't you exercise yourself?

Sounds like you know all the rules of it.

Do us a solid.

Banish.

So you've ruined one of Shakespeare's sexy.

Ruined?

It was a fabbit.

It was a sexy, sexy romp.

I think we have stopped them from that, though.

I don't know.

It's all happy.

And Raph says, and everybody's stuck in it.

And Vengeance says, oh, not so fast, brother.

We just need to finish our performance.

And then in future performances, we'll just kill them before they wake.

But wait.

And the two demons leap into Hamlet and Laertes.

Ah, man.

With Raph taking Hamlet and Vengeance taking Laertes,

and they square off to fight.

Roll initiative.

Okay.

19 plus 221.

17 plus 2, 19.

Yes, I've even created a battle map.

15 plus 1, 16.

Okay, sorry, give that to me one more time.

That's a 21 for Justin, a 19 for me, and a 16 for dad.

We're going to fucking destroy these demons before they get a chance to act.

You are placed in between the two of them.

So you will, yeah, and then they also got a five.

So you go first.

That's you.

But wait.

What?

We can't kill them.

No, I'm pretty sure that the rule doesn't apply to demons.

I know, but we have to avoid killing.

They are squared off to kill one another.

Oh, we have to get the demons out of them.

We can't let...

Okay, we can't kill Hamlet and Lee.

We can't kill Hamlet.

Well, that does complicate things considerably

it's kind of weird that i actually knew that and you didn't well i'm a forest bear i mean i've been paying a lot of attention you know

um i think uh lady godwin yes lady godwin you are up first i am going to uh

can i reach the chandelier or are they too high up so uh along the walls on the walls are located the chains for the chandelier paul do you have the printouts that i gave you

Supplemental printouts for this way.

Yeah.

You guys can see the set design this way.

Okay, this is gorgeous.

And it, Travis, this looks so rad.

I'm going to toss this into the audience when we're done with the show because it looks so kick-ass.

It looks like an FMV game from 1999.

I'm going to throw Jennifer Meyer at the upper left chandelier chain.

Okay, excellent.

Give me an attack roll with Jennifer Meyer.

Okay, no problem.

That's Lady Godwin's axe.

23.

Yeah, yeah.

That's good enough to hit a chain.

For sure.

That'll move the chains.

It smashes down.

Give me a D20 luck roll.

Okay.

Snakes.

So, yeah, it crashes down up here.

Not quite in the way of Hamlet and Laertes, but it is definitely creating some difficult terrain up in in that area.

We need to put you on.

Well,

you know,

as long as I'm attacking.

All right, might as well attack again.

I'm going to knock over,

I'm going to try to throw Laertes into the broken glass, really put him in some

difficult terrain.

That's one way of doing that.

Yeah.

With a spin kick.

One of my patented spin kicks.

Oh, I didn't realize it was none of your patented Lady Godwin spin kicks.

He's going to kick the ghost right out of him.

Let's see.

Yeah, a 12 probably doesn't kick the ghost.

No.

Yeah, it is.

But it does not kick the ghost.

All right.

Well, thanks for the

Winnie the Pooh.

Which one did Wrath go into?

Wrath went into Hamlet.

Hamlet.

I'm going to activate rage, by the way, as a bonus action.

I walk over to him and I say, I don't really know why I know how to do this, but

pray with me.

And I'll put hands on him.

I'm going to cast Dispel Magic to try to free him from whatever kind of control spell he may be under at this precise moment.

And I'm going to do that right this moment.

19 plus my spellcasting modifier, which is considerable,

which is a

plus

four.

So 23.

So he is still possessed, but he is now in control

of himself, and he sees Laertes with this sword drawn on him, and he is going to panic and run

away.

Bye, Hamlet.

Hey, can you get your groove back while you're over there and save us all a lot of time?

I'll work on it.

Has he been stabbed already?

No.

He's just got a cramp?

No.

Was that what I sounded like?

Yeah.

I thought he'd been stabbed.

Sorry, that was hand placing.

I'll try it again.

I'll work on it.

Okay, good.

Okay.

Dad, you are up.

Follow cast Levitate.

Fuck yeah.

On Lier T.

What situation can't be improved by floating?

And just shoot him right up to the ceiling.

I'm going to do the same thing I've done about seven times now and ask you what I need to do or what you need to do to make that happen.

Just cast it.

One creature, a loose object of your choice that you can see within range, rises vertically up to 20 feet and remains suspended there for the duration.

He just looks at

you.

Thank you very much.

So welcome, Travis.

I've got your fucking back, man.

That's an eight.

Yeah.

Didn't do it.

Look at each.

Nice, dude.

So Laertes is floating.

Cool.

Yep.

Try killing him now.

You're up.

And

the

what breaks that, Don, is that

nothing?

It's permanent.

It's for the duration.

Now he can just sort of fly a little bit.

Like, is Laertes up at first?

Thank you, Griffin.

Now he can push and pull himself around like in zero G.

You've given him flight powers.

Now he can kind of fly.

He's just like Laertes from him, but he can fly.

And then when the spell's over, he gently floats to the ground.

So that made him fly.

Okay.

He made him go up first a little bit, and that must have been so scary.

And think about that.

But he's going to have to push off

something.

He's going to look like a real dipshit.

I mean, he flys away.

If he tries to eat a fruit pouch, it's just going to fly everywhere.

You know what I mean?

Good luck.

This may be the adventure zone, but we do have the laws of

good luck pissing Laertes.

Thank you.

Got a special suit or something.

So the skeletons all move forward.

Oh, I forgot about you, guys.

Yeah.

And one of them gives Laertes a push, and he goes.

How tall is your skeleton?

20 feet fucking tall, Clint.

Now, come on.

The six skeletons stack up to form one 20-foot-tall skeleton.

Quit helping him.

Sorry, it's just such a kick-ass idea.

How long does the duration of Levitate last?

20 minutes.

So they always.

Okay.

And the skeleton is going to get up on the bench and try to jump up and grab Laertes' foot.

That's a nat one.

He does not.

He does not do that.

And in fact,

he slips off the bench and falls prone.

Nice work, bonehead.

He starts crying.

I'm so sorry.

Hamlet has run away.

Laertes is still floating.

Okay, great.

That brings us back up to the top.

Justin, you are up.

Do you want me, because I'm a kind of benevolent GM,

to point out one of the scenic changes when the ghost split into the demons.

A thing happened.

What happened, Travis?

The candelabras sprung into purple flames.

We got to do something with those, man.

I made more purple flames in here like a real asshole.

So do the opposite of what I did.

Okay

well let me ask you this Travis.

When I did all that business with my chains and my throw and my axes, did it happen to accidentally knock any of them out?

Let me roll a perception check to see if it did.

18.

Hachi Machi.

You see that it didn't.

Well, I was just I wasn't trying to like cheat.

I was just trying to get a little information because I don't want to just like like in my day-to-day life I would never start blowing out purple candles

hoping that it did something it did not blow them out but it did um I'll say this um so on each candle lobber there are three candles okay the axe clipped one of them and extinguished one of the three on the one closest to the chain right and when that happened uh wrath uh no vengeance who was occupying laertes

um you saw like one of his knees buckle for just a second like uh he was weakened for just a moment and then kept going.

Okay.

Um,

this one right here, upper left, the wall sconce there.

I'm going to throw a big jug of water at it.

He just has a big jug of water.

It's a wall fine.

Yeah.

Lady Godwin's all about that hydration life.

She takes her Stanley out and

it's a water skin.

I have it with a torch and a tinder box.

I got all this great shit.

Athletics?

I throw it in an attack roll of

water chug.

Attack with water chug.

Okay.

Well, 18 plus 6.

Yeah, that's.

Yeah.

Okay.

Candle doesn't have a lot of AC.

So what happens?

So that,

this one up here, this is extinguished.

Okay.

And what happens with our friends?

The red.

You're lost in the fucking sauce, bro.

Roll 20's got you in its web, man.

I can find it.

Hold on.

Delete.

Nice.

Woo!

When is it extinguished?

You You see

that wrath

in Hamlet.

You see

him, he like takes a seat

with the spell magic.

Griffin, roll me a D20 luck check.

18.

18.

Yeah.

So Hamlet is still in control, but even more so now, like he's a lot calmer.

He's regained like speech.

Would you say you're getting your groove back?

His hips wiggle in a very groove-like manner.

Now we're talking.

Yeah.

Quick, check his pockets for THC, honey.

I check his pockets for THC.

It's not my turn.

He gives you some THC, honey.

It is your turn.

For him?

Gosh, it feels a lot like I'm being pressured to try drugs.

No, you don't have to.

You check.

Wait, you checked my pockets for it.

No, no, if you're gonna twist me.

No, you don't have to at all, I It's for him to calm him down.

If he has the drugs, maybe he'll be calm enough to wear.

No, it's too late.

I look around and I look at Wrath and the other one.

I say,

You call this drama?

You think you've made a great dramatic work?

I was in Kingdom Hearts.

And then I look around the room.

I want to make sure Ophelia's not in.

Is Ophelia in here?

I say,

she is in there, but she's on the raised platform.

Okay, great.

I cast tidal wave.

I conjure a wave of water that crashes down on an area within range.

Each creature within that area must make a dexterity saving throw.

Sorry, everyone.

Blah, blah, blah.

The water then spreads out across the ground in all directions.

It extinguishes unprotected flames in its area and then vanishes.

Yes!

Excellent.

How big is the wave?

30 feet long and 10 feet wide and 10 feet tall.

Okay, great.

Before we extinguish the thing, Griffin, make a D20 luck check.

If you get over 11 or higher, then your enemies have disadvantage and your friends have advantage on their dexterity savings.

What if it's the opposite?

What if I got half an 11?

So the determination is how the THC honey affected you and I.

Oh, shoot.

Okay, so it was very much like, I say kingdom,

hot, splash, and I fuck up all my friends to death.

Your friends have disadvantage on their dexterity saving throw, and the enemies have advantage, yeah.

I know!

Several!

I roll a two with disadvantage.

I could call Severoff right now if I wanted to.

I got a five with disadvantage.

I I don't know if I got myself, but it feels like I should.

Dad roll for a roll a ten.

I rolled a six.

All of your enemies saved?

What?

They all saved.

And all of your friends failed?

No!

But the current family.

But I look over at Hamlet and I say, surf it!

Not one.

But he is currently an enemy.

Hold on.

Okay.

That was a 19.

All right.

He serves it.

His groove must be out of it.

He's serving it on a skeleton, and it rules.

He's found his emo party groove.

Whoa.

Yeah, man.

I didn't even know that existed.

What about the candles?

They're extinguished.

Oh, thank god.

And you see the ghosts and the demon pulled out of Laertes and Hamlet.

And now they're very, very little.

Little guys.

They're cowards.

Yeah, even littler than you standing at your feet.

What do you do?

Yeah, give it a second.

Pervert!

I would like to go one show without the audience screaming, stick on them at us.

I hope whoever's sitting next to you is still slowly turning towards you.

I hope they didn't rush it.

Brother Philo

reaches down,

plucks them both up, and slams them into his test tubes

and seals them.

Yeah, he does.

You have captured the demon wrath and the spirit of vengeance.

That's canonical.

That's canon.

Open up any copy of Hamlet tonight.

It'll be what we did on stage here.

And Hamlet and Laertes shake it off and immediately hug and then do their secret handshake.

And it's super cool.

And everybody has lived.

Are they mad, though, about the big wave?

Because I feel embarrassed.

We should probably go.

Before we do.

You guys are going to help clean up, right?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

I have on my list a mess kit, so I'd be happy to help.

I have an observation to make before we leave.

Not helpful, but go on.

I've got these two tubes with demons in them, and I've decided this

is tube A

and this.

Get ready to walk off stage.

No, get ready to fucking walk off stage, man.

Is tube B.

And that's going to do it for us tonight.

Thank you all so much for being here.

Thank you all so much.

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