The Adventure Zone Versus Robin Hood: Live in Portland!

Dear Diary

Shh, quiet diary.

I need to speak.

Dear Diary,

how are you?

I am fine.

Thank you for asking.

Lord knows I'm no angel.

I've committed a lot of crimes.

Ah, I eat people.

But the one thing I've never done is steal.

The worst crime there is.

Not like that Robin Hood.

That's one, one big jagoff.

Ah ah ah ah ah.

Welp, I should probably let you go.

TTF in, Tata for now.

Hi, everybody.

I don't want to talk about my tiny axe today.

I wanted to get out in front of it when I bought it on Amazon to have it delivered here.

It sure looked bigger in the pictures.

Classically, I pay $30 for the one from God of War, but it is not a great axe as it only has one blade, so I want to get a great axe.

And this is anything but great.

In fact, I'd say it's...

It feels like you want to talk about it a fucking lot.

I don't think any of us were going to bring it up.

I learned from being husky in middle school that if you say it first, the bullies won't pick on you.

So let me just say, I have a little axe.

Look at the size of my weapon.

Yeah.

Dad, by the way, the first attack of the game has already happened.

It was against my glass of wine, which Dad hit with his sword.

And it was a crit.

And I lost a lot of good wine on this table, which is...

I know.

It's tragic.

Don't worry about it.

I used my sweat rag already.

Thank you so much.

Hi, everybody.

Tonight we'll be playing Taz.

Well, today, this afternoon, we'll be playing Taz vs, and I'm going to be your dungeon master, Travis McElroy.

Travis, I got to say,

admirable Dracula.

Thank you very much.

I admire it.

It was really just my Boris voice that I use when I'm reading vampirina books to my kids.

Yeah, sure.

So that's your James Vanderbeek impression.

Yeah.

Nailed it.

That's true.

Look at this.

If we could get through this part of the show as quickly as is humanly possible.

You got it.

You got it.

You got it.

My name is Justin McElroy.

Thank you so much for having me.

We didn't say our names.

I said mine.

I'm Justin McElroy still.

You can't change it.

It's immutable.

Tonight I'll be portraying the role of Lady Godwin, who hates Dracula.

But he's dead now.

I am and forever will be Clint McElroy.

And tonight I'll be be playing the role of Brother Philo in the body of Pinocchio, Don't Ask.

I'm Griffin McRoy.

I usually run this fucking thing, but this time I'm going to be a different character.

And the reason I'm so sweaty is because of the character.

It'll make sense in a little bit.

And again, the faster we get to that, the happier I will be in the long run.

Thanks.

let us weave yes please weave master set me free

a non-canonical amount of time has passed since the end of tas dracula

and non-canonically we find lady godwin doing what canonical action wait it is a a canonical action sorry non-canonical oh that was close that would be so weird to do a canonical action in a non-canonical continuity but this is the right crowd for it right You love that multiverse stuff.

I think it's a temporal pincher maneuver is what we're doing.

Yeah, exactly.

She is shopping for flowers.

Something she used to enjoy before all the adventure.

She's been a little listless since

killing Dracula, and she's just kind of bumming around town.

There's not a lot of crime that you just run into.

It's actually never happened to me, Justin McElroy.

So she just had a funny crime, so she wanted to shop for flowers.

She used to like it, and it's feeling her leaving a little, feeling a little cold.

Is it flowers for a specific purpose or just to have them and decorate?

It's to see the hot new flowers that people have cross-spread and create.

You got to stay at the cutting edge.

We've got daisies too.

The sequel to daisies.

Otherwise, the ladies at the cookie parties will like stunt on you and they'll be like, Did you see the new green posies?

And you're like, oh man, they're crazy.

And they're like, there aren't any.

You don't.

It's so hard being rich.

It is.

It is.

Lady Godwin, as you are perusing the latest and greatest in flower technology, you hear behind you the flapping of fairly large wings and a couple like squawks.

And you turn around, I assume, and you see a raven in a little beefeater costume hopping up behind you.

Oh, look at you.

Aren't you the most precious thing?

Hello.

Oh, thank you very much.

My name's Edgar.

Oh, listen to you talk.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, it's a gift from my king, Crawford Mutton.

Everybody calls me Mutt.

Oh.

Yes, how is Smut?

Well, he's doing it.

Sorry, how is Mutt?

Yes, thank you so much.

I don't want to leave you an opening.

How's the smut these days?

I tried.

Over in Camelot, they love it.

I forgot there's canonical wizard smut in this universe.

Fuck yeah.

More like Camelot.

Oh,

Saucy.

Oh wait.

Where's the uh where's the puppet man?

I'm supposed to find him too.

Oh lord.

You know, I haven't thought about him in a while, canonically speaking.

You haven't thought about him?

Has it occurred to me?

I mean we will work friends, but do you think about people you worked at Blockbuster with?

Okay,

will you come with me to find him real quick?

I got a message for both of you.

Will you carry me?

For the skies?

We don't have to do that.

Here, take my little wing.

Thank you.

Interim.

And with that, there's a big puff of smoke, and you guys are instantly teleported to Philo's non-canonical location.

I hope it's not the toilet.

Magical transportation makes me heave.

Oh.

Then you're not going to like what happens after we meet him again.

Okay.

What is Philo up to, non-canonically speaking?

Oh, God.

Well, he's been dealing with canonical things

as he is now the, he's still the interim turbo cardinal.

Right.

And God bless.

It's, well, yeah, God bless.

It's, I mean, it's just like

all kinds of paperwork and dealing with administrative stuff and, you know, who's going to do these exorcisms and who's going to stone these sinners.

Whoa.

Holy shit.

Hey, hey i'm gonna answer that one nobody nobody

so yeah it's just giraffe just day to day he thought it was gonna be a lot more fun and a lot a lot of action and he's just

but after a few stonings it really the shine comes off the apple

um okay oh great okay now the two of you together i can uh i can give you this message uh let me see here let me look oh wait hello i'm uh it's such a pleasure

we worked together don't you remember?

Oh, God.

Yes, yes.

How are you?

Hello.

I've called.

I'm going to say it's been two weeks.

Oh, my!

Oh, well, you know, hey, how are you?

It's good.

I wish I'd known.

It's only been two weeks.

I just realized that now.

It was embarrassing and awkward until we realized that.

It's been a long and busy two weeks.

The raven starts rifling through his little messenger bag.

Ear of corn, ear of corn,

ear of corn.

Oh, shiny thing, shiny thing, shiny thing.

Here we go.

I've got a little message for you.

And he hands you a rolled-up scroll.

Oh, he hands out me tweeted.

It says, hey, Philo, hey, Godwin.

Send me Crawford Mutt.

You can call me Mutt.

Everybody does.

Hi, Mutt.

It's a piece of paper.

I sure hope you didn't answer the letter.

This is a letter.

I thought it was one of those greeting cards you open up and

even those you can't talk back to.

It's a two-way conversation.

How are you guys doing?

Been a long and busy two weeks.

Am I right?

I'm having so much fun here in London.

I've been four-wheeling with a lot of the dukes.

They're okay.

The dukes hasn't.

Man, I wish I thought of that joke.

They're just good old boys.

That sure would have been funny to make if I'd said it.

Well, that's why I'm here, Tram.

I can make the other jokes so you don't have to make all the jokes.

Sorry, Justin.

I just, all I saw was Lady Godwin for a second.

I just lost that.

Well, I'm just talking to you right now, right?

You're the one talking, right?

oh my god lady goblin can't hear you and talk to you i have please go faster okay i'm dying

anyhow

this way hope you guys are doing good uh let's see what else what else what else oh yeah uh somebody stole the crown jewels um it was this guy all in green had a bow real nice bow

shot it at me which i didn't appreciate and then he said something about stealing from the rich giving to the poor He was a real dick about it, if I'm being honest.

Stole crown jewels, and then he just got out of there.

So now all apartments freaking out.

They got everything on lockdown.

I can't go nowhere, but we got to get those jewels back.

Apparently, it's something about divine right and if I could just be king or not.

So I need your guys' help if you would just go get those crown jewels back for me.

I'd appreciate that so much.

So whenever you're ready, just say the word persimmon.

Wait, are you reading this out loud?

Wait, are you reading this out loud?

It says.

Okay, Okay, you look up from the letter and you've just teleported when you said the word for Simon while you were reading out of the way.

Oh, Christ.

I thought for sure you were going to be like, after a one-month-long boat journey,

which we will act out.

Yeah.

So you've been teleported.

Nothing in the tank.

Okay.

You find yourself on the edge of Sherwood Forest and Nottingham Township.

Oh, so it's not Green Arrow.

Oh, my God.

He's not public on it.

Yes, man.

You said dressed all in green.

Oh, okay.

Well, hopefully, you weren't reading this out loud.

You can prepare yourself, make sure you get lots of supplies, everything you would need.

But, anywho, I did go ahead and hire you like a wilderness god because I've traveled with you guys before and I know how you are.

So, I made sure there'd be someone there to help you.

He should be there anytime.

Where is he?

He said he'd be here in 15 minutes, Philo.

We just have to kill 15 minutes.

Okay.

Oh, cool.

So, tell me, last two weeks.

It's been quite a blur, hasn't it?

Have you gone to any parties or balls?

I did learn all of the states.

Would you like to hear that?

Yes, go ahead.

I don't.

Oh, okay.

You didn't know them.

I didn't learn them.

You hear a rustle on the edge of the forest.

And Russell says, hey, look over there.

Who's that guy?

And who do they see, Griffin?

Toddling out from behind a tree,

you all hear a voice first that says,

Alabama,

Arizona, Arkansas.

Listing off the 50 states, you see toddling out a sort of

large

beige bear wearing a sort of red halter-top t-shirt.

Now he's just wearing his fleece onesie.

I'm so fucking sweaty.

It's insane.

It's Paddington, everybody.

Do you think anybody's ever put that on and thought, oh, this is so much better?

Never.

You all see Winnie the Pooh, famous public domain bear,

come tumbling out of the woods.

Do not ask him about Piglet or Tigger.

They're not in the public domain yet.

I hear you too need some help getting through these hundred-acre woods.

Hold on one moment.

I may be able to help you for a smack roll of honey.

Here, here, here, here, here, here, take it.

Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it.

You just have honey on you?

Here, here, take it, take it, take it.

He's hoping that if it coats your throat, your voice will be so deep.

Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.

Why, oh, thank damn it.

That didn't work.

That didn't work.

Oh, for sure, that was canonical.

The forest thanks you for this offering of sweet honey.

Are you able to help us find passage?

We're on a hunt for the crown jewels.

Oh

such human trifles.

It's so amusing.

You worship these rocks from the ground like they were gods.

I don't remember Winnie the Pooh being so superior to everybody.

Okay, we have to stay in our characters.

Remember we talked about this backstage, okay?

I don't want to hear from Clint.

I know.

I want to know how Philo is reacting to this bear, okay?

I don't remember.

There we go.

Holy shit, that puppet can talk.

Now we're getting somewhere.

This is acting.

Are you controlling that puppet with your...

with some sort of remote control device?

I understand that temptation to hope that to be true.

I wish desperately, too, that this were not the case, but he is, in fact, my friend Philo inside a puppet body.

Not with...

Let me see, is Van Helsing still in there?

No?

Canonically, no, I don't think so.

Canonically, no, it's just my friend Philo in the body of Pinuccio.

Oh, a fellow toy who came to life because of the love of a child.

Something like that.

Well, actually, it was more of putting on the wrong, you know, hat.

But

that'll happen.

As you stand on the edge of the city of Nottingham and Sherwood Forest, you hear an argument and the voices are getting angrier and angrier slightly within the city.

You can see a shopkeeper like standing at his

stall arguing with a customer and it's starting to get like you know they're shoving each other.

Oh, you two seem ill outfitted for this adventure.

Would you like to stop at that local shopkeep and stock up on the things you need to keep your human bodies alive?

Well, I would at least like to eavesdrop whatever the conflict is.

I'd love to get the dish.

Weird energy, but okay, let's creep on over.

Since I'm a puppet and I don't eat, and she's dead and doesn't eat.

Oh, what?

Well, animated dead flesh.

What are you talking about?

We had forward momentum, and then you're like, this one's dead.

We were moving somewhere.

I do.

As you approach the stall.

Justin's voice.

We're talking about this as we approach the stall.

Yeah.

As you approach the stall, you hear the argument and you just well, no, well, what I'm saying is, I think it is.

I'm saying three and a half.

Well, three and a half doesn't make sense, does it?

It would have to be a round number, so it's got to be three or four, but not three and a half, right?

And I think three is too low, and you think four is too big.

Excuse me, gentlemen, this is fascinating, but could you loop us in on what the conflict is?

Sure, sure.

Thank you very much.

How many bowls is a chicken, and how many chickens is a bowl?

Is this some sort of riddle?

These riddles are so confounding.

Can you say again?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Basically, how many chickens equals a bowl?

You know?

A bowl of what?

Like in tra.

I think they're doing an exchange program.

Well, we're trying to.

It's very new for us.

One chicken is worth one and a half bowl.

That's way off.

You gotta look at these bowls, man.

I don't think that a half a bowl is a good

metric of value, is it?

Because you can't have half a bowl.

That's nothing.

See, that's exactly what we've been saying to Robin.

He's that there's not really a one-for-one thing.

Do you know my friend Christopher Robin?

Where?

Where is he?

It's been so very long.

Oh,

um.

No, sorry, I was talking about Robin Hood.

Oh, here's my mistake.

He's stolen everything

and left off having to figure out like a border system that we haven't used ever.

Hey, who is...

Size up this person I'm talking to.

How much money do they have?

No, no, no.

I asked a question.

This is a burley shopkeep who works with metal.

Oh, the Robin.

The one talking about Robin.

This is the Burley Shopkeep who works with...

The shopkeep works with Robin?

No.

How deep does this go?

This conspiracy.

The townspeople

know Robin Hood.

Okay.

He's a man of the people.

Okay.

At least he was, but it doesn't sound like that now.

Okay, I pick him up by the lapels.

Excuse me.

My name's Lady Godwin.

It's a pleasure.

My eyes are up here.

Yeah, it's a pleasure to meet you as well.

We're looking for something that's been stolen, and I suspect your Robin

has something to do with it.

We'd love a little more information about where we can find him.

Okay, I don't understand the lapel thing.

You could have just asked first.

You're right.

It's intimidation.

Okay, roll forward.

If you ask and they say no, and then you intimidate, I feel like that's less intimidating, right?

Just going fucking crazy at the jump.

Yeah.

I ask you, what is more intimidating?

Someone who asks nicely first and then later is like, well, I hate to resort to this.

Answer us now.

Yeah.

Okay, give me a roll.

Impulsiveness is the most intimidating thing.

Okay, so that is a natural 20 plus three.

Holy shit.

It gets results.

This is what I'm saying.

It works.

He pisses his pants.

But here's the good news.

He's relieved that he was trying to pass a kidney stone and he feels way better now.

All right.

You're not making the game.

This is my world.

Yeah, what do you want to know?

Anything.

Where can we find him?

Why is everyone have a problem with him?

And could I take him?

Take him where?

To fight city.

What do you mean take him where oh okay so can you set me down first of course thank you intimidation is complete i pick him up by the lapels

okay what can i do for you should i resolve her questions first or

and no lying what have you done with my friend christopher robin

and i go around behind him and give him an atomic wedgie that's good this guy's intimidated his balls off right now oh man

i've just only met these two, but I think we're all big bullies.

Yeah.

I've been nothing but helpful and open and honest.

If you ramp up to intimidation, it's not scary.

It's desperate.

No, I'm very scared.

So tell me what I want to know.

Okay, can you put me down and release me underwears?

Sure.

Yes.

All right.

Thank you.

So.

Robin Hood is a thief.

And up until, well, a short while ago, he would steal from the rich and then he'd give to the poor.

And then one day, he comes in and he's like, hey, poor, you're rich now.

And he stole from all of us and he gave it back to the rich who are now poor.

But then he stole from the rich, poor again and gave it back to the poor, rich.

The fatal flaw of socialism.

So then he completed that cycle two or three more times.

And then he said, fuck it.

And he just kept everything.

And he's been hold up in his compound somewhere in Sherwood Ford.

Straightforward meritocracy is what's called for.

Fair.

Fairness.

Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his

man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?

See, this is the bad thing about the public domain that they don't tell you, right?

It seems good, but then people can just mess things up.

Yeah, they mess up the precious sweet bear.

Is Karl Mark's soap in public domain?

Well, I don't know about all that.

You make some really good points, though, ready for it, but your grandkids are gonna love it.

Yeah, but right now, he's holding basically all the wealth at his compound.

He's got everything there.

Which is where?

Well, it's somewhere in Sherwood Forest, but it is like a secret thieves' guild kind of deal, so we don't know where.

Where?

Where?

Hmm.

Where is the compound?

An excellent question.

I don't know.

I know, but I figured he's so scared of me that if he had any idea,

he would be like, Tell me where it is.

My child.

What?

Different.

You're a puppet boy, and I'm a grown man.

I'm gonna play the religion card.

My child, child, we only wish to help out

everyone.

Yeah.

So, to save you, I would assume they order food from you and supplies.

They surely don't come to town to get them.

I'm a blacksmith.

You don't have food here.

No, but if you need food,

if you need food,

you can go over to the Crown and Fools Tavern right across the way.

And ask the server there, because I think he used to make me work with Roman.

Something like that.

Thank you so much for the clue.

You've been most accommodating.

Hey, thank you for helping me pass me kidney stone.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Say, would you mind sharpening this up and making it have a plus something?

I don't know.

It's a pretty small axe.

I pick him back up.

I don't want to talk about how small my axe is.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Oh, right.

Oh.

Sharpen it up.

Okay.

I'm not magical, though.

You know that, right?

I'll tell you what I could do.

Here, roll a persuasion check for me before I tell you what he could do.

This man is so scared of you.

And he's so scared you have advantage.

Okay.

13 plus 316.

Okay.

I'll tell you what I could do.

Let me see it.

Sharpen it up.

And I'm going to put a nice little shine on there.

I got this silver dust.

I've been breathing it in all day.

I love the stuff.

The smell really gets me going.

Oh, no.

Yeah, let me shine it up for you.

All right.

Excellent.

Cool.

Do you make any lumberjack axes?

No.

Well.

Which Winnie the Pooh are you?

Let's see where this goes.

Okay.

Yeah, how much money you got?

Does he make lumberjack axes?

Oh, dear.

I'm going to have to start destroying this guy's whole stall.

No way, I don't make him.

I was just going to do it for myself.

Okay.

Good.

But I am.

here.

Roll a D20 for me.

I'm gonna see if he interrupted you before you started or after.

Why is he wait?

What is the problem with

17?

Okay, you maybe smash like one.

Let's see.

Oh, I don't.

No, I don't normally make them.

Oh, bald.

But I could, I guess.

Don't.

Okay.

I look at him wild.

Wild in the face.

Oh, now the bear's being threatening.

Yes.

I'm convinced.

In fact, I'm going to go plant me some trees.

That's the spirit, Johnny Appleseed.

How'd you know my name?

No, we'll get to him.

Hey, let's go over to the restaurant.

Crown and Fool's Tavern.

Sorry?

Crown and Fool's Tavern.

Crown and Fool's Tavern.

Okay, sounds good.

You go in.

It's...

bustling, but you hear a lot of the like, okay, but how much, okay, one potato.

If it's one potato, how much?

Okay, I've got these three rocks.

Their economic system is in shambles.

Excuse us.

Does anybody know how to find Robin Hood?

Make an

investigation check.

No, perception.

Perception check.

Can we all roll it?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, 24.

Nothing gets away from Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah.

Dad is in the profile settings of

See Beyond.

Now he's just made a flat wisdom saving throw.

And he got a six on his flat wisdom saving throw.

Is that what you needed?

None of that.

It's so cool to be actually on this side of things for once.

To get to see how the fucking sausage gets made.

With a 24, you see someone who's just set down some drinks off of a tray,

and they just go completely pale.

They're being weird over there.

Thank you.

Can we stomp up to whoever that was?

He's going to try to make a run for it for the front door, but in doing so, he's going to run past you.

What do you do?

I say, knock so fast, Buster Brown.

And I'm going to cast Entangle on them.

So, oh shit, actually, whoops.

Grasping plants sprout from the ground in a 20-foot square within range.

I'm going to destroy the hardwood flooring of this entire pub.

Each creature other than you in the area when you cast the spell must succeed on a strength-saving throw.

Or have the restrained condition until the spell ends.

I thought this was just one person that this was going to hit.

Not so easy to be on that side, is it?

It's really not.

16 for me, I'm fine.

Yeah, it's a 14 that you're looking to beat.

Okay.

Strength saving throw.

Strength saving.

Here we go.

Where the hell is strength?

Well, Griffin, here's the good news.

Okay.

There was a good two years there where dad was playing Uno, and I never had the guts to tell anybody.

Yeah.

A crit.

A crit.

That crit.

Here's the good news, Griffin.

My friend's safe.

I rolled once for the server and then just one dice for everybody else.

Yeah.

He got a seven.

Everybody else got a nat 20.

Okay, good.

So it does destroy a 20-foot square like

but it grows up in between everybody's tables and chairs and you see some like real grizzled tough like peasant type just like take a drink look over like well we're gonna have to fix that and just go back to drinking.

And that was the day Taz invented AstroTurf.

But you have been able to entangle the server who was trying to make a break for it.

Okay.

Hello friend.

I noticed you were trying to shake a hot foot at the mention of Robin Hood's name.

Yes, if you work for Robin Hood, I won't be helping you.

Oh, Bob.

I thought for sure you were one of his lackeys.

No!

I was about to twist you up all crazy with these vines.

What do you think a guide does?

Stops any potential threats before they defeat.

You're a guide, not an assassin, Jesus.

I set them down gently with the vine.

Oh, thank you so much.

No, I would.

Did you have, by the way, a sexual awakening when that just happened?

Let me check.

Roll for it.

Well, what does a nat 20 mean in that circumstance?

Yes or no?

I think they are now defined by this sexual awakening.

They just.

Yeah.

I would say it opened up quite a bit for me.

You're very welcome.

Where can we find the ne'er-do-well-known as Robin Hood?

You know, because you've opened this door for me, I find myself trusting you in a way I wouldn't have expected when you entangled me in your vines.

My name is John.

What is your name?

Poober.

That's your Christian name?

I'm agnostic.

Fair deuce.

Yes, that rascalion, Robin Hood, had me prisoner after he overthrew me from the throne.

That should never happen.

I always think it's so terrible when people are removed from thrones.

Yes, thank you.

When I try your best until they die, that's what I say.

And I'd just gotten comfortable in the throne, too, because really, I'd really broken the cushion in.

That's so sad.

What had you done wrong?

Were you bad administration or you oh well i imprisoned a lot of innocent people and i stole a lot of their money right but if you thought you could lose the job you would have done better at it wouldn't you yes i was told i was king because god wanted me to be

wait hold on

he's checking no he didn't

Oh, I don't think that's a thing, Dad.

I don't think you can ask

a Christian God.

You told me not to macro do these moments in character you told me not to be glint to to

to in fiction speak to the christian god yeah to ask if a character's intentions are true with no roles i might add

is not something i can address in character because it didn't happen sure

understood okay

but yes do you mean to do harm to that robin hood it depends do you know if he has the crown jewels yeah mine

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Crawford Martin, the new king of England.

Oh, I see.

Yes.

Oh, this has become rather awkward, hasn't it?

It's fine.

Oh.

Now, you always think it's wonderful when someone becomes king, but you forget someone had to stop being king.

Is he doing a good job at least?

It's been two weeks.

It's really too early to to tell.

I understand.

He's got a pretty decent Yelp rate.

Can I tell you, honestly, I find a lot of job satisfaction in being a server.

No kidding.

What kind of food do you like to serve the best?

I like soup.

Oh, no, that doesn't make any sense.

No, the challenge.

It's the challenge of the thing, you see.

You like to be honest.

Do you like the challenge of serving a hot liquid bowl of soup?

Yes.

The learning curve was quite steep.

Or a half bowl of hot soup.

Well, here's what I invented.

You take some bread

and you eat the middle of it when nobody's looking because someone stole all your money and you're very hungry.

Right.

Then you pour the soup in it and it falls right out the bottom.

I think Saint Pinero once tried that.

So, how can we find this Robin Hood?

Where is his secret compound?

Oh, do you have a map?

Yes.

I have a perfect map of the whole show and forest.

Excellent.

Show it to me.

Did you say Sherwood to me?

Sherwood to me.

Now, Griffin, you do have a map, but I want your Royalty 20 to see how good it is.

It's just places where honey is.

11, yeah, it's mostly honey focused.

Never mind all this.

The circles and all of the

crude drawings of beehives.

It's so so sticky the mats and my personal belongings are irredeemably sticky

oh no that might waken something in me as well

i'm quite the pervert

i don't want to judge whether or not no i like to judge myself apparently degradation is also good for me

You're moving so quickly through this.

I had to congratulate your growth.

Thank you very much.

This is the hottest I've ever been.

Oh yeah, juice.

Is it fucking hot on this stage, motherfucker?

Are you a little fucking uncomfortable, Juice?

Juice, that's a funny name.

I'm stewing in my own juice inside of this.

That was my character, not me.

I would never complain about it when you're wearing that on stage, Chris.

I have a grate underneath my chair just collecting my leavings.

My leavings that I'm producing

hope you enjoy the show kids mark it on the map for me as quickly as you possibly can yes of course daddy

well

hate it

and he does so I pass him a business card in addition to

wilderness tours I also offer certain services

on the side excellent

they're gonna put it back in the public domain like you don't deserve this, you're not allowed.

They freed me from the Disney vault, and I'm ready to get so nasty.

Well, I need to get back to serving.

Tips of half a potato is they're going to earn themselves.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to.

Yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah, where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you got a you're gonna get a package of smalls, right?

You're gonna open it up, you're gonna put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're gonna, I don't know your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are gonna freak out, and you're also gonna see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love

smalls.

They love it.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.

And it's delivered right to your door.

And cats.com named it their best overall cat food.

And get this.

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That's a big deal.

For a limited time only because you are an adventure zone.

I was really proud of that, Justin.

I was really proud of that.

Sorry, Trav.

That was great.

Thank you.

For a limited time only, because you're an adventure zone listener, you can get 60% off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure.

That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com/slash adventure plus free shipping.

Again, that's smalls.com slash adventure.

Hey, this week we're coming to...

Sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join the webinar.

That's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud?

We got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what, Trap?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroyTours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we're new month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to mackeroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroeymarch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

So now you have a map showing you roughly within Sherwood Forest where

we follow it.

Without issue.

Do you have...

You brought that sword with you, right?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, I like to make it,

can you kind of leave it at your side, just kind of dangling and jangling around as we're walking, just kind of shake your tush and have that gold sword just kind of flipping around.

I'm hoping to make a honeypot.

It's a honeypot.

Oh, okay.

What now?

Yes, I call it the honeypot.

It's a way of trapping criminals.

It's like a bait sword.

As you start walking, you hear behind you

wooden boy and bear man walk through the forest.

Also, there's a lady with a sword on head

well that sounds like a song describing all of our sort of personal aesthetics

man it's very roger millery very

who's there

they're looking for the voice and they're sounding kind of stupid oodle lolly oodley god i don't like this who what do i see travis um when i look towards the source of the sound when you turn around

um it's not hard to see the only thing you see behind you is a rooster

That's good.

I rolled a five on that perception check.

You didn't know I took it.

Just a regular old rooster.

I prepare to cast speak with animals.

I'm a druid, by the way.

That makes sense.

Don't waste your spell slots.

I can really sing.

Ooda laude, oodaligado, or the day.

Canoe speak, little cock,

friend.

I've told you before.

Interesting word choice.

No, no.

Oh, sorry.

Interesting word choice.

I'm not wild about it.

Ooda Lolly, Lolly Golly, what a day.

Friend bird, I am the guardian of these hundred-acre woods.

Are you well?

Are your needs being seen to?

Are you being threatened in any capacity by the human scourge?

Well, which curse me, turn me to a rooster.

Ooda lolly, oodalaligali, what a day.

At this moment, I look around and realize that I am the only human currently.

I kind of look like,

I think I'm probably in enough of a minority that I'm nodding along, like, yeah, the human scourge, it has become a problem.

I look at you and I say, don't worry, you're a dead human, the only good type of human there is.

People keep saying that.

I'm not dead.

Friend Rooster, you've been...

I just met you.

Wouldn't say we're friends yet.

Ooh, lolly, ooh lolly, golly, what a day.

I cast animal friendship.

Make a wisdom-saving throw.

14.

I got an 11.

I am your friend now.

Ooda Lolly, Oodalo.

Talking shit.

Friend rooster, we're looking for the hidden compound of Robin Hood.

Do you know where we might be able to find it?

It's in Sherwood Forest, right this way.

Oodalolly, Oodali, Golly, what a day.

This stuff is so easy.

I don't even know why I wasted my time and frankly creative energy of doing a whole bait sword when this rooster was just going to to come out and show us the way.

Can I ride on your shoulder, be your little friend?

Oodal lolly, oodalolly, golly, woah today.

This is not a karaoke experience, audience.

I don't think so, my shoulders off a little.

Ooda lolly, oodalali, oodalylla, copyright infringement.

I'm gonna sue you.

Ooda lolly, oodali, golly woah today.

Sorry, I believe your character's public domain.

Ooda lolly, oodal lolly, oodalolla day.

So, um, I'm sorry to ask, ask, but you would you mind climbing in Winnie the Pooh's backpack?

My what?

If he...

If the rooster could just ride in the bear's backpack, it would really bring me a lot of joy.

I'll play my banjo.

Thank you.

And blow on this kazooie.

You

oodaligali woody.

This is so degrading.

My name is Alan.

I am a rooster.

Oodalali, oodalali golly, one today.

Let's do this thing as long as we're trying it.

And I flip upside down and try to run on the bird's legs on my backpack like Banjo Kazooie does it.

Roll a deck save.

Okay.

I want to roll a sand.

I want to see if my sanity is preserved.

Well, witnessing.

That is a six.

It's crushed instantly underneath your weight.

Well, come on.

Admit it.

You were all a little sick of this.

With a six.

With a six, he's got to be dead.

Time for turbo mode.

Yeah, you don't hear any more singing.

Whenever you're ready, friend rooster.

So then I hold out the sword again, like, wow, this is a really good sword.

I hope no one tries to steal it.

Can I check on him?

Is he okay?

No?

Wait.

Wait, let me look.

Let me look.

Wait, wait, we've never done this before.

Wait, wait, wait.

We could do a poll?

to see if he was.

He's in the 20-sided tavern.

We make the fucking rules up here, man.

How's it looking?

No.

Oh, well.

Listen, eight.

He's gone.

What class are you again?

Druid.

Don't worry, folks.

It's the circle of life.

The circle.

No, no.

Damn.

I take my backpack off and I just set it on the ground.

Don't tell the other druids about this.

It'll be ever so cross.

Do you do you want to eat the rooster?

I mean, you are the only person who eats.

I don't think so.

I mean, he's a bear.

The bear eats.

I'll eat the rooster.

Oh,

don't eat the rooster.

If the rooster dies from a terrible accident, there's no goal of

leaving it.

An accident that could not have been prevented.

And or foreseen.

Yeah.

Roll me a perception check, all of you.

Okay.

That's the one that says perception, dude.

Considering what I'm witnessing right now.

Considering what I'm witnessing right now, I hope my perception is low.

Honestly, I don't need a great view of Winnie eating the rooster.

Yeah, I don't want to see it either.

Two.

Six for me, did I mention?

Six.

25.

25.

While

you've just finished consuming the body of Alan Adale.

Human cursed to be a rooster.

Well, then it's all square, baby.

And you see in the bushes behind over the shoulders of Lady Godwin and Philo, you see some figures clad in different shades of green coming out of the woods, trying to sneak up on them.

We're being snuck up upon, dear friends.

I think I have this.

Friar Tuck!

Friar Tuck, are you there?

It's me, your boss, the Turbo Cardinal.

Such a huge cult shot.

You had to have expected this.

Not the boss part.

Here's the problem, Griffin.

I don't know how monks feel about the Pope in real life.

Sure?

Do they work for the Pope?

Sure, man.

Yeah.

Do a little research, pal.

Put down

if if Friar Tuck had a good relationship with the Pope.

Okay.

Okay.

Dad, give me a persuasion check

or

religion check because I am a kind of benevolent DM.

Yeah, it is an 18.

Yes?

Hello, my son.

It is I, the turbo cardinal.

But you are a puppet.

Yes.

I know, I know.

It's a long story.

We were traveling and found this laboratory.

I'm so bold.

We are here to confer with your co-worker, your co-conspirator, Robin Hood.

May we speak to him?

I mean, let's just get it right out there.

Huh.

You know, you've got a lot of gold and fancy stuff upon you, Turbo Cardinal.

Oh, yes, I certainly do.

He is the Pope.

Yeah.

And yet,

sort of part of their whole thing.

And just to double-check, you are the official turbo-cardinal?

Oh, he hates it when you do this.

Okay.

There's its interim turbo-cardinal, but as far as I know,

I mean, I don't think King Mutt has actually changed.

That is it possible?

I didn't get it.

No, we didn't have the vote.

So you're definitely not the final turbo cardinal.

Well, no, I would hope I wouldn't be the final turbo cardinal.

This is my problem with organized religion.

What do these look like?

Sorry?

What are these guys like?

Yeah, what do they say?

You said green clad figures.

Like, what do you mean?

So at this point, you could see the man who's been speaking.

Okay, I'll walk closer to him to see what he looks like.

What do you look like, pal?

Yeah, what's he look like?

How close do you get to him to see what he looks like?

Excellent.

He's a man on the shorter side with a ton chore, which is that traditional monk hair cut with a bald pate.

He is in monastic robes.

He has identified himself as Friar Tuck by answering.

Friar Tuck was Catholic.

Paul has confirmed.

Well, damn, there it is.

You see a large, beefy man.

You'd put maybe 6'10, 6'11, large, broad-shouldered, strong-looking, in a green tunic and green tights.

Then you see a man in different shades of burgundy and red in his outfit with a big red W across his chest.

It's Robin Hood.

And then

you see a woman, once again, in very functional, like green tunic, green tights, sword on her hip, and like a small like

silver circlet on her head.

Very small, very tasteful.

Okay.

And these are humans.

Yeah.

Well, don't act like that.

It was a sinner rooster.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Don't act all incredulous.

This is a crazy, mixed-up world.

So Fire Talk says, Well, you make a good point.

Maybe we could work something out.

Let me confer with the other married men.

Where's the fifth of us?

Alan, what did you say?

Alan, are you nearby?

Alan,

where did he get to?

That oh, that rascally rooster.

Let's just listen for his song.

Don't worry about me.

I'm just wandering around the world.

Alan, is that you?

I'm totally healthy.

Okay, I want to send my hand out into the woods to go shake the branches.

Okay, make a sleight of hand check.

Literally.

Yeah.

It's eight.

So they watch your hand hop off your shoulder, run over into bush and shake it.

I'm a healthy rooster.

I didn't get anything.

Okay, now you make a deception check.

For performance.

Sorry, it's performance.

Fuck.

Does he get advantage for my limb shaking?

For your eight?

15 plus 116.

Pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Don't even sweat me.

I'm gonna go home.

I've got diarrhea.

It's pretty good, but also, right?

Like...

It would have to be so, so good to make them think that the bear pretending to do the rooster's voice.

I'm throwing it.

It's not a problem.

I probably have some bullshit magic spell.

I make wind blow through a tree or something.

I'm going to say with this 16, it's good enough that they're not like angry at you.

Awesome.

They know I ate their friend for sure.

But they're like, they're very wary of you at this point.

And the biggest one says, What do you want to talk to Robin about?

Right, it's very simple.

We don't wish to be a bother.

We just want the crown jewels back for our friend the king.

Which king?

King Mutt.

Oh, okay, he's the two-week king.

Yeah, that's what we call him.

So far.

That weak.

I think he's demonstrated that he's very

fun with synonyms.

My favorite jokes.

Not the Fortnite King.

That's true.

Is it synonyms or homonyms?

Which one is it?

No one knows.

You stepped on my excellent Fortnite joke.

I've never been angrier in my entire life.

And he dabs.

Too late.

It means nothing to me.

What was your name?

Winnie the Pooh.

I'm Little John.

Hello, Little John.

What a fantastical name for you.

You're quite a large man.

Oh, there's like a seven foot four guy who's called Big John.

My mistake.

I thought you were the seven foot four guy.

No, I'm six foot ten.

Humans look the same to me.

I see.

He bristles.

I don't blame you.

I'm working through a lot of my own stuff over here.

Okay, so the four of them confer.

And they come back and say,

this time the man all in burgundy speaks and goes, okay, yes, we've spoken about it and we've decided.

We're going to let you, instead of attacking and killing all of you, we're trying to be cool about it.

We're going to to let you choose one of ours to fight, and we're going to choose one of yours to fight.

Do it 1v1.

If you win, we'll take you to see Robinhood.

If you lose, we get to kill you.

So, wait, we choose one of yours.

Yes.

And you choose one of ours.

Yes.

A champion.

Should we do, should we do like introductions?

Not necessary.

Can we choose any of your men?

Well, and any of our people.

Let's not be small-minded about it.

You can see me, right?

I don't see gender.

What was the name of the rooster one of you?

That was Alan, but he went home because he had a bad diet.

He went home because he had bad diarrhea.

Pick,

Alan.

Alan is not here.

He had diarrhea and he had to go home so quickly.

So it's like Alan lost the battle.

So you get to choose from me, little John.

You can pick Will Scarlett here.

You can pick Maiden Marion.

And she waves and says, I'd like to speak too.

Yes, I bet.

Friar Tuck or Old Man Screbo.

And a little old man shuffles out of the thing and goes, Hi, I'm Scribo.

We've got to do something.

Yeah,

we mostly keep Scribo around as kind of a mascot.

We love him.

Even the puppet among us could smash little Scribo to the ground.

What the hell does that mean?

You're so small, my child.

That means nothing to me.

Oh, I know what you're doing.

You're setting it up so that they will pick me to fight, and I am the best fighter of the three.

I don't know you from how I was fox.

Yes, I don't know you either.

I met you 15 minutes ago.

Yes, it was only 15 minutes ago.

Listen, no, I hate his fit.

I'm telling the truth.

Here's what I'd like to say.

All the people seem like they have a thing, right?

But Will Scarlett seems like kind of a nothing burger.

So I think we should choose him.

He's got the first initial of his name stitched into his teeth.

He said, Total Dork.

What a fucking winner.

He said, Dork.

Hey, I can hear you.

I had that sewn on to me for the greatest crime I committed.

Warrior fraud.

Oh, yeah, we can take him.

Let's do it.

You,

Dr.

Wiley.

We'll pick the white-collar criminal.

Okay, I've done other things too.

That's just the worst one.

Okay.

Let's see.

We'll take...

We'll take the puppet boy.

This was the gambit, wasn't it?

Yes, of course.

You've assured us of your martial prowess.

Oh, no, I'm so afraid.

Okay, I don't understand the weaking.

Was that a wink?

You could see that.

Yeah, it looked like you were having a stroke.

I love...

I can't wait.

So it's Will Scarlett versus

Philo.

Yes.

Can we send him out like a Pokemon battle?

Yes, you can.

You just throw Philo into the middle of the ring like, go, puppet Philo.

Okay, roll for initiative.

roll initiative I made a mistake choosing dab yeah you fucking did dude obviously

is it too late to pick the barbarian no I need my moment in the sun

uh where's your initiative what app are you using here we go nope that wasn't it Just roll a 20-sided dice and add one.

What is the Aetna health?

Six

six?

Oh, I got a nine.

let's fight and he comes at you uh with two daggers

I thought we said we'd be better than this stupid does an 18 uh hit your AC

uh

yeah

I should hope so it was close

he does three bless three he does six points of damage ha

that's

nothing to me okay six points of damage all right can we while this battle is happening try to kind of leave merge

merge into

merge into the band just like we're all sort of watching this sort of thing.

I think we should all have a little camaraderie.

We're being professionals.

Yeah.

Like, there's no reason we can't be tasteful.

Yeah.

I cast Ray of Sickness

at Wario.

It's not a...

complex name.

His name is Will.

He's got a big W.

He's got a big W on his shirt.

That's fair.

You were the one who said W didn't stand for Will, so it's freaking awesome.

That's true.

It stands for wire fraud.

Yeah.

Okay, Dad, what's the save, or is it an attack roll?

Well, you know.

It lashes out towards a creature within range.

Spell attack.

Yeah, he's going to get a spell DoorDash to himself, it looks like.

We got I don't know what fucking app you're using.

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

What do you want me to push?

Roll a D20.

You're lucky all right D20.

Too late.

Add six.

Seven plus six, 13.

13.

A 13 does not hit his ace.

Wow.

Oh, shit, man.

We picked the wrong dude.

He dodges around you, kind of dancing and let's be fair, a very taunting way.

And he's going to attempt to punch you since you are a small wooden boy.

He got a nat one, though, and stubs his toe on your butt.

What?

What was his face?

He was trying to punch him and he stubbed his toe on him.

He was trying to punt him.

Punt him, okay.

I bet you said punch him.

He was

so bad on the butt.

Making this the worst punch attempt in the recorded history of him.

I mean, it's a natural one, right?

If there's a way to do it, this would be how it happens.

I'm going to hit him with my quarter staff.

Okay?

Aim for the face or genitals.

It's the weakest part on you human beings.

Okay.

So.

The throat is also good.

Okay.

I'm going to do all dad's roles for him today, baby.

You're okay.

Everybody, be cool.

It's dad's first time playing DD.

Holy shit.

You got too many characters on here, man.

I backed up.

You've got 40 fucking characters in this app.

We have not been playing DD this long.

It's all my closet D and D.

Roll your 20-sided die.

All right.

And if it's a really high or low number, the rest of the stuff doesn't matter.

Here we go.

Eight.

Eight.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

He's going to avoid that quarter staff.

So far, this is a thrilling battle.

I have a bonus move, though.

It's true, he has looked.

Look at that action, that tavern brawler strike.

My unarmed strike uses a d4 for damage.

Okay, cool.

So while this nail biter is going on, what's happening with you, Lady Godwin and William Payne?

I have to roll.

To do what?

To use my follow-up action.

He's doing another unarmed strike.

Oh, okay.

Because he's a tavern brawler, puppet pope.

And it was a dirty 20.

Okay, yeah, you hit him.

Hey.

Psst.

Psst.

Hey.

What's up?

Hey, little John.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for saying my name.

Didn't know who you were.

I was trying to play it cool.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where?

That's Robin Hood.

This fight kind of sucks.

I think it's heating up, actually.

I think Will's about to do something big.

It's the boy's first fight.

Let him have this.

He's been doing white-collar crime the whole time.

He wants to get into killing.

No one's enjoying this.

This is terrible.

Look at that.

I am having a ball.

Oh, yeah, it's fantastic.

Five points of damage.

Yeah.

Okay.

We'll mark it down.

Hey, listen.

I'm kind of with you on this one what if we just said oh they're too evenly matched to start that right right so we'll say like oh it's impossible to say you're just two titans invulnerable yeah yeah yeah

you don't hear any of this i don't i don't feel you don't hear like you think i can win there's no way you're hearing me talk you're fighting no i'm reading your body language let's my body language is extremely positive let's skip them one well hold on dad make an insight check and if it takes you longer than 20 seconds to do so, you don't notice.

Two.

You looked over, and as far as you can tell, all of them are going.

Ha ha, you're doing great.

This is the good stuff.

Yeah, thank you, friends.

If we agree to a draw, will you take us to Robin Hood?

If the answer is no, the fight will continue.

Oh.

He stubbed his toe on his butt.

You saw that, right?

You took too long, Dad.

Roll again.

All right.

He's going to try and do two attacks in one round.

It'll take 20 minutes.

Oh, you make a good point.

I am going to use a spell then.

No, no, please.

We have to.

Don't forget your components.

Get comfortable, motherfucker.

Gather.

Gather your material components.

Not this.

No.

Yeah, how about a 16 to hit?

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't forget the ritual.

You must do the ritual.

Melf's acid arrow

And how much damage does that do, Father?

Oh.

Just wait, pal.

Two, four,

seven, nine.

Whoa.

Wait, is that right?

That's right.

Yeah.

That's extremely good spell.

Good job, Dan.

Little John holds it up.

Oh, you know what, actually?

No, deal's off now.

That was sick.

Good job, Philo.

Kick his ass.

You had your chance.

Finish him.

Okay.

Wheels up.

Not wheels up, mind you.

Wheels up.

Okay.

That is a 15 versus AC.

Yeah.

Still hits.

Still hits.

That is 4 plus 3, 7 points of damage.

Uh-oh, wait.

Hold on.

Okay, so.

And then there's a 19 hit?

Yeah, 19 hits.

Maybe we'll negotiate for a two up.

Okay, and that's nine.

And that's nine points of damage?

Yeah, nine points of damage.

Okay, so 16 total points of damage on those two attacks.

Ow?

I didn't say it didn't hurt.

So

now thing.

Now it looks like we're on even footing again.

We'd like to get the deal back from early.

So can we go back to the original terms of the deal?

I hit him with my sword.

Jesus Christ.

The sacred whacker of Tancred.

Whacker.

This is not an item you have from the game.

It's not.

You can't.

No, wait, wait, no, hey.

Clamp Magroy can't go on the con floor and buy a large foam sword and then say, now my DD character has it because it's physically present.

Ha ha ha.

It's resin.

I.

You got him, Dad.

I am recreating 12 angry men by myself over here.

Take the sword away.

Thank you so much, a dry one.

Oh, my God.

Paul, you're my fuck.

It's wet, right?

Paul, can you confirm the wetness of this rag?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Gorose.

It sucks up here, man.

For the record, if you're listening to this later, Griffin just squeezed that into Paul's mouth.

It was repulsive.

History will not look kindly on this, Griffin.

Little Little John holds his hands up and says, No, no, I have to stop it.

You two are gonna kill each other.

Tomorrow.

Yeah.

This is too much.

Too much violence.

Too much bloodshed already.

Yeah, I'll show you where Robin Hood is.

Honestly,

he's been scaring us with his obsession.

And if you can make me snap him out of it, preferably without killing him, we sure would appreciate it.

Well, maybe you should tell him not to piss me off.

This guy's a real loose guy.

Come on, I'm mad.

Philo, you forgot your leg.

Hold on.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, of course.

Oh, God.

Why is it that Robin Hood, I know of his exploits as the warden of these woods?

It seems like he used to live by a fairly honorable code, stealing from the rich, who worked very hard, I might add, for their wealth.

Where do you fall on the political

scope?

I'm not quite sure.

Yeah, here's the problem.

He said the whole system is broken.

That finance, as it is.

We can't agree.

Yeah, he says this thing of like having it only be like the coin of the realm, right?

And that being policed by, you know, the government, whoever's in control.

Something good so far.

And so he's been coming up with like an alternate coin that people can have access to.

Tell me everything.

But how would it work, this alternate coin?

Well, that's what he's been holed up trying to figure out.

We haven't been able to get in there to talk to him.

Sorry, where are you from?

Oh, all over the place.

Yeah, I'm well traveled.

Your accent sounded all over the place, so I assume you're from all over the place.

My mother was Dutch.

All right, that'll do it.

So will you take us to this

financial genius?

Yeah, it's just on the other side of these trees.

And he pulls back some vines, and there's the compound.

Son of a bitch.

I'm not very good at my job.

I enter the door.

The forest door, which is vines.

As you approach the compound.

Sorry, is the compound a physical building?

Yeah, okay.

Well, I mean, it's, you know, some tents and stuff, but it's like all gated up and the gates are like locked.

You know what I mean?

He's been holed up in there.

Okay.

Okay.

Excuse me, Robin Hood

yes what is it

we'd like the crown jewels please

oh you

know sorry no no no crown jewels okay but you don't have any or you don't want to give them to us okay I'm busy please leave Can I make an insight check to see if he's lying?

The gates are locked, closed.

He's inside the tent.

11.

You don't know.

You don't know if he's busy or not.

We'd like to go inside, obviously, Little John.

If you if you don't mind, can you open the gates?

I assumed when you showed us where it was, you would just let us inside.

It seemed like a fair, I mean, of course.

Well, it seems like a sort of genie's trap you set for us.

We are creating a map to the celebrity's homes.

You're being unnecessarily obtuse.

No, I can let you in.

Cool.

Why did you guys assume I wasn't gonna?

We're just doing our best out here.

And he unlocks the front gate.

Cool.

Hey, don't tell him I did that, okay?

Yeah, of course.

Is there anything else we should know?

Where's his weak point and does he have any natural allergies?

Asbestos.

Nothing I can do.

He looks up to the sky and he says, well, it's going to get dark soon.

You should move pretty quick.

Why is that?

Oh, he's very sneaky and very dangerous in the dark.

Oh, okay.

So I'll walk into where he is and kill him immediately.

Now, before his secret powers activate.

You walk into the tent and you see him and he's like writing all over like the inside of the canvas.

Uh-oh.

And he's like trying to, you can see him being like, okay, so maybe, okay.

So if there's a chain of sorts, right, we put a new link in it every time there's a transaction.

So that way we can look back through the chain.

Sorry,

how did you get in here?

Through the gate.

And then locked it.

What?

I had locked it.

I unlocked it.

Damn.

I didn't think of that.

That's the problem with locks.

They're not permanent.

You're sort of a breaking into places, guy, and you didn't see that one coming.

Matt, it isn't that always the way.

No.

No, of course not.

Sorry, can you teach us about your project here?

Yes, it seems like you're really on something.

Okay.

Thank you for asking.

So basically.

Wait, what am I seeing?

What does this person look like?

Who's Robin Hood?

So it's, as you might picture, Robin Hood in your head, right?

So he's a Fox man.

Kevin Costner.

Kevin Acoster.

Kevin Costner looks exactly like.

Kevin Costner or a Fox man.

Tell me it's Kariowis.

It's Kara Ewis.

Thank you.

But

like dark circles under his eyes,

you know, kind of like very sallow skin.

He's been inside for too long, right?

Too focused on this.

And you can see like maybe he hasn't been eating well.

You just see like empty

empty like cans of some.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, he's got that like Seth Green cryptocurrency malaise

sort of about him.

Yeah, when he turns, he's very like, okay.

Let me spell it all out for you.

So basically, when you, so right now, okay, follow me, follow me.

So right now, right, the government decides how much each coin's worth.

But what if we said fixed price?

Fixed price, right?

Okay.

And then there were no physical coins.

Okay.

So people couldn't steal the coins from you.

Right.

Right?

And every time you traded the coins, you had to go to a blacksmith, and they would put a new link in a big chain.

I thought this guy's thing sounded so cool on paper, but now that I meet him, I'm not feeling it.

So you'd be lugging around a bunch of chains in wallet?

The big chain is in one place.

Okay.

Yeah, you got to do it.

I've got this painting of a monkey.

Could we somehow tie that into...

How many paintings of the monkey are there?

Just the one painting.

Oh,

that's good.

I paid five bottles of hardy for it.

How big a bottle?

Do you have a name for this system?

Yes, right?

So we're going to have the chain, and it's going to be guarded.

So I'm thinking block to chain.

This is great stuff.

Yeah.

But do you have the family jewels of the royal family?

I'm confused by the wording.

Sorry.

Your family jewels has a whole different connotation.

I don't give a damn about your human testicles.

Is it hot?

It's getting hot.

Oh, is it, motherfucker?

I'm so sorry to hear.

Do you have anything?

I don't think any of the three of us have human testicles.

Anyway, I believe mine are acorns.

Do you have the royal tools?

Wait, hold on.

Is it day or night?

Ah, shit.

Oh, listen.

Talk quick.

Where's the crowd jewels?

He pulls back the flap from the top of the tent, and you can see the full moon.

I put it back.

I put the flap back up.

He starts freaking out.

Oh, I lost track of days.

Oh, no.

And he proceeds to change.

Oh no!

Oh good Lord, look at it.

It's sexy!

And he turns into his were fox form.

Okay.

Roll initiative.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I snap a picture for Prince John later to see if this is part of it.

Four.

I'm not even gonna get to act this show.

Fourteen.

Five.

All right.

Okay, so we had four, five, fourteen.

And Griffin was the four.

That was me.

Justin was the five.

Dad, with Dad, was the five.

Oh, dad was the five.

Justin, you're up first.

Okay.

I will take out my silver axe and split him in twain.

Okay, give me an attack roll.

A what?

An attack roll.

You got it.

Oh, I'm so wet.

How does a 9 plus 6 treat you?

15.

That just hits.

All right.

Show me damage.

Do I get a bonus for the fact that it's silver?

Yeah, it hurts him.

Okay, I accidentally did the attack roll.

Sorry, that's a 12 points of damage.

Oh, pretty good.

Yep.

Yeah, no, you can cheer.

Is there anything else you want to do on your turn?

Yes, I would like to become raging.

Oh, okay.

And now I'd like to hit him.

Jesus!

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't like that sound every time.

Nobody likes the sound it makes to become raging, but that's what it takes.

I'm going to attack again

with a second attack.

That's damage.

I keep pushing the wrong buttons.

Sorry.

Here it comes.

Here comes the big roll everybody's waiting for.

That's a nine.

That misses.

Sorry, J-Heads.

I didn't get it done for you this time.

Maybe next time.

Robin is going to take a swing at you with his now clawed

fist.

Duh.

The Jayheads are not going to like that.

Oh, no.

That's true.

No, that's not going to hit.

That's an 8.

That eight's not going to hit.

It's not as far off as I'd like it to be, but no, it just is not it.

But he does have multi-attack, and so he's going to swing at you again.

That time it's a 20 to him.

Yeah, that one just gets in there.

Okay, great.

Just going.

And he's going to to do seven points of damage.

All right.

And then he's going to begin to prowl around the room

and move away from you and get back to a corner and hunker down like he's ready to pounce.

Oh, that's not all that intimidating, actually.

Up next is Philo.

His friends outside are not going to come help?

Well, not yet.

Okay.

Okay.

I lock the tent.

No, not yet.

Not yet.

I have a plan.

I have a cunning plan.

Dad, did you hear the words he said before you responded?

I lock the tent.

It's locked, man.

It's dealt with.

It's not his turn.

I already locked the tent.

It's your turn, Dad.

Will you lock the tent then?

Someone's got to lock this thing.

I wasn't going to lock the tent.

Tent's not going to lock itself, am I right?

Coming plan.

It's your turn.

Dad.

Okay.

Time to deliver.

I drink an alter self potion.

What a great moment.

And transform myself into a duplicate of Robin.

Who?

I wish fucking Prince John was here for this now.

He'd be losing his shit.

That would have been such a sick move.

And I stick my head through the tent flap and go.

Fellas, there's somebody who looks just like me.

He's gone mad.

Oodlolli, oolali, oodalolli lay.

That was the rooster, man.

This fox ate Alan.

Come on, me boyos.

Okay, so Robin Hood, the fox, ducks his head out of the locked tent and says, this fox ate Alan.

Now, it is also important to note, I did just look up alter self and all of the things you discussed changing can, except your size

so a philosophy robin hood yeah popped out i've seen the movie i know i'm robin hood

is i'm robin hood's son

hey guys dad's gone nuts i poke my head out and also a witch turned him small

you must help me make a

performance check yes

all right all right 11 not funny

the least funny number.

The least funny number to Robin.

What did you say, Robin?

We're going to get a bit closer, so maybe we can hear you better next round.

But they don't come all the way to the tent.

They just move about halfway.

Up next is Winnie the Pooh.

To attack Robin Hood.

You want me to attack Robin Hood?

I mean, if you want to...

I wanted to say the sentence, Winnie Pooh is going to attack Robin Hood.

No, I'm going to deal with this outside situation because I cannot stress to you how much I don't want four other people to enter this fucking initiative.

Yeah, you gotta lock the tent.

I step outside and as I do in the night sky storm clouds begin to gather.

And is that related to your action?

Yup.

Okay.

Did you, just so we know for the record, did you lock the tent behind you?

I lock the tent behind me.

I say,

as the storm clouds begin to gather, I say, oh.

The sound of thunder always makes me so terribly peckish on account of it sounding like my rumbly tummy.

And I'm gonna cast Thunder Wave as a third level spell on the four haters outside.

I need each of them to make a constitution saving throw aiming for 14, please.

Okay.

No.

Uh, no.

Fuck yes.

That's four failures.

Oh, no, Travis.

What awful news for them.

They take 24 points.

24 points of, I believe, forced damage as they are thrown 10 feet away from me.

And

it sucks for them pretty bad.

Good night, Portland.

Yeah.

Hey, Philo, quick sideball.

This bear scares the shit out of me.

Yes.

Yeah, that's going to do it for Will Scarlett.

Will Scarlett is,

let's say, out of commission.

not dead.

I fucking.

I have a little necklace and I scratch another notch into it as Will goes down.

We notice Winnie the Pooh pulling out one of his teeth.

Yes.

Everybody else is notch prone.

Yes.

And Marion says, oh, I love talking about how upset I am about this.

That's two lines I've had.

We've done it.

I apologize that this episode has gone this way to Made Marion.

Marion.

I understand.

Human, human men, otherwise.

Wait, human, wait, is Maid Marion not a human being?

No, she is.

Okay, she gets.

She just wanted to.

Listen, a human men have done a lot of terrible things.

Sure, sure, sure.

Tell me about it.

Justin, you are up.

Ah, all right.

So it's me and Philo.

How is Robin looking?

Pretty bad?

Untouched.

What?

Oh, no, you hit him.

He looks, you have.

maybe cut some hair off his face.

Is there anything in the room that I can use to my advantage to defeat him?

Perception check.

We should ask that question more often.

This is one of the best things about I rolled

on the perception check.

We don't need to worry about it.

So

I'll just do a regular attack.

What did you roll on the perception check, though, just out of curiosity?

Natural one.

So what's he find?

He blinks too hard and he doesn't see anything for like 30 seconds.

Yeah.

Yeah, he got an eyelash in his eye from looking around too hard.

His eyes are all watery and he's very irritated.

Oh, yeah.

Griffin, you're definitely going to make weight for your wrestling tournament tomorrow.

I'm not kidding, man.

I will, in an act of mercy to Griffin, I will hit Robin again as hard as I can with my axe.

Please kill him, Justin.

I'm doing my best.

Aw, brother, I roll a five.

Let's try another one, another attack oh oh dang it it's a it's a one Jesus Christ I'm trying but this fox is tough as nails man that's a not one on your attack yeah I get one more though for the well for the not one you swing and the force of the swing you miss so hard that you go down to one knee

Like a what?

What happened?

It's a not one.

So when a not one happens in Dungeons and Dragons.

It sucks so bad.

It's not just a failure, but a failure that has ramifications to it.

So what happens to me?

You...

You okay, you swing too hard, right?

And the force, you end up getting like off balance, and you go down to one knee.

Go down to one knee.

Okay, that's all I was trying to hear.

Okay, I stand up, and then I attack again.

He uses all his movements.

That's your move action.

Well, I don't need to move.

I'm fighting the fox that's right next to me.

I'm not moving.

I'll use my move action to stand.

Okay.

And then I will attack his head to chop it off.

Oh, interesting.

Non-lethally.

I like that.

Make an attack roll for me.

Okay.

Thank you for specifying.

Of course.

I wish Griffin had non-lethally knocked down Will Scarlett, but that is a two plus six.

Does that hit?

No.

Okay.

I start drafting a letter to Mutt.

Like, I feel like you oversold the capabilities of these.

Are you sure these Jabronis killed Dracula?

So

he is going to come come charging at you

and

does a 15 hit against Ray C?

Yes.

Okay, so he's going to swipe at you with his claws and because he was ready to pounce and charged at you,

make a strength saving throw

as he pounces upon you.

Also, you're going to take

21.

Okay, yeah, you're pretty good.

You survived that.

You take nine points of damage.

Okay.

But do you do save against being knocked down.

All right.

Okay, now, Dad, you're up.

I cast find object.

Unconventional choice.

To see if I can find the crown jewel.

Eyes from the prize.

Okay.

You just do?

So I just did.

Hold on.

You want me to roll something?

Can't be how that works.

Hold on.

Wow, don't hit me while I'm typing, Dad.

Dad, don't type then.

Okay, that's uh wow, that's a 15.

Describe a name or object that's familiar to you.

You sense the direction to the object's location so long as it's within 1,000 feet of you.

Yeah, so in the Turbo Cardinal, he would definitely be familiar with the crown jewels.

Yeah, so in the corner of this large tent, you see a big pile of jewels and gold and money and stuff.

It's really it's in there.

It's on you

really for not describing the you got right.

You got an eyelash in your eye and you couldn't see all the treasure.

I'm not sure I trust this dude with developing a whole new sort of economic ecosystem based around the extremely secure storage of data.

As far as he's concerned, at this point, all that stuff's worthless.

Can we just have all that stuff?

Sorry, I forgot.

Is my turn over?

You cast a spell, so that was your action.

Do you have have any bonus actions or movement?

Well, I was going to use an infusion.

Is that an action or a bonus action?

What's it feel like to you?

There's no way.

What's it feel like to you, Trav?

I think that knowing that there's some jewels in a big pile of jewels, I'm going to call that a bonus action.

And if you want to use an infusion, you can.

What a nice guy.

Okay.

I am going to...

Is it like mid-fight with a werefox?

Philo's like, you're really in for it now, and walks over to the piles of stones and starts squeezing one so hard, like, just you wait soon as I'm done with this you're gonna be in a world of hurt and I summon cronut

okay so that's a familiar that you created in the non-live version of this podcast it's long gone now but you can re-summer not in the no in the non-canonical time

you've just been listening or non-canonical have you just been re-conjuring it constantly he is kind of a fan favorite, Travis.

He's not.

I promise.

No one likes your dumb Cronut.

Don't.

Cronut is a hit on Tic Tac.

I'm going to say, as you summon Cronut, he's the fart buckle of bad characters.

Yeah.

Cronut is a jack-o'-lantern that grew wings and learned to love.

He's got to be pretty soggy at this point, I have to imagine, too.

Well, this time, as you summon it and the available

The available resources around you, a small like jewelry box chest rises up from the pile of gold with big like gold coin wings as they flap and jingle jangle.

And his little like lid is like flapping up and down like a mouth.

So good.

Okay, cronut comes to me.

Okay.

Did Mutt say he had to have all the crown jewels back?

Some of them will be nice, and I don't think a jewelry box with some coins is any of them.

And they're in a crown, right?

Are they in a crown?

That make a

just roll a D20 for me.

Just a straight D20 roll.

11.

Another 11.

That's enough.

As soon as you see this golden box with these shimmery wings go up, it distracts.

uh it distracts robin this fox who has spent his whole life stealing from the rich and giving him the board and now in animal form, you see the lights of the lanterns around glinting off of it, and he starts like swiping at it in the air.

And he is very distracted, and it is Griffin's turn.

Oh no, I've killed again.

Oh, well, in for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose.

I'm gonna cast lightning bolts in a line at the three remaining thieves on the outskirts of this battle.

I'm gonna need a dexterity 14 save from all three of of them, please.

Nope.

Nope.

Oh, that's a 16.

Marion saves.

Oh, good.

That's a fucking...

That's a good optic, Griffin.

Yeah, yeah, that's...

Thanks, Dad.

That's going to be...

Okay, so the good news is made Marion's going to take half of the 33 points of damage.

Okay.

I'm terribly sorry.

I have this draconian policy about human beings.

I feel like we're learning learning that when you let these public domain characters off the chain, they're ready to fuck.

Like, anytime you let them off, they're ready to go.

Yeah.

I'm very much a freak on a leave.

Okay, so you have now killed Will Scarlett, Lil John, and Friar Tuck.

Marion.

I want to leave.

Marion is not looking great, but she is still up.

And she says,

all of that was deserved.

They were terrible people.

Tell me about it.

How is Robin?

Let me see him.

No, he's probably going to go to beef soon.

But I can talk him out of whatever this hyperfolks are.

It's too late for that.

Your petty human love.

In the grand scheme of this beautiful world in which you inhabit, your love is completely meaningless.

And she looks in your big bare eyes and says, but haven't you ever loved a human before?

Say no, say no, say no, say no.

Once,

many, many moons ago,

but I'm afraid I've forgotten his face.

I remember he was quite important to me at one point, but we were were separated in these woods and, well,

let's just say that

I think he's probably dead by now.

Okay, people in the audience who are awing, he is a mass murderer.

He has killed four people.

He ate the rooster.

Okay, we cannot feel bad for him.

He ate the rooster to death.

He's also got a weird Randian bent that apparently you're all down with.

Like, ha ha ha!

Please let me see Robin.

Fine.

You may speak to Christopher Robin.

No, yeah.

Robin,

and I stand aside.

Okay, she enters the tent.

I poke my head in.

Oh, sorry.

Whoever said, but it's locked, I owe you $100.

That's...

It is absolutely locked.

Thank you.

I'll get my axe after the show, okay?

My axe is yours after the show.

I'm going to leave it right here.

I poke my head into the tit and I say...

Wait, unlock it first.

Oh, yeah.

I cool.

Wait, the optical scanner.

Hold on, May, Marietta's retinas.

I've killed all the other ones, but this human has something to say.

She sees Travis, the stage is yours.

Thank you.

Finally.

She sees

the fox to find

Robin Hood,

and she was prepared, right, to try to talk him out of his DeFi reverie.

And she starts kind of fanning herself a little bit when she sees this foxified robin.

She's like, oh, damn.

And then,

yeah, he looks up from chasing this box and sees her.

Right and she's kind of wounded.

And at first, he starts like snarling and growling at you.

And he looks at you, Winnie the Boot, and he says, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Can I, okay.

This is fucking crazy.

I'm gonna cast

speak to animals,

speak with animals, rather.

Yeah, anyone can speak to animals.

I cast speak with animals.

I can understand what he is saying when he says, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip.

Yeah.

He says, what did you do to her, you monster?

Sorry, she was hanging with the rest of the shitty bunch.

Oh, those dickwads.

Yes, they're dead now because of my actions.

I'll have to process that later.

And Marion says, What did he say?

Oh, um, he says that, uh,

I forget already, it's so boring, your human love.

Okay, tell him that I said that we could be together and that he doesn't need to worry about any of this

finance and money or anything anymore.

Everyone!

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

And he says, yes, I understand.

He says he understands.

And he goes over and he just very gently nips her on the arm.

Oh, this is my shit.

And she transforms.

You two leave.

Okay, we leave with the crowd, Jules.

We walk out at that exact moment, and we don't see anything else that happens.

Wait, very important.

We don't see anything else.

Very important.

Do you lock the tent?

Canonically, we lock the tent on the way out.

We did it, Trev.

We did it.

The noises that come out of that tent will haunt you for the rest of your days.

After.

Afterwards.

No, I poke my head out and say, it's just forest stuff.

You guys wouldn't get it.

It's beautiful.

give mutt my regards

and we're gonna end it there thank you everybody so much

thank you all make sure you check out the posters check out the poster by matthew h taylor out there thank you all so much for coming

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