Recapping Trump's Second First 100 Days - Part 2

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 But let's get to the big story. Americans are still trying to process the global realignment that has occurred following the disastrous Oval Office meeting between the President J.D.

Speaker 10 Vance and Vladimir Zelensky.

Speaker 11 What happened, they say?

Speaker 12 Are we still America? They say.

Speaker 13 Whose side are we on?

Speaker 14 They say. say.

Speaker 6 It's complicated.

Speaker 8 The best way that I can explain what happened and show Americans how to process this new reality was with another shocking turn of events from this weekend.

Speaker 1 On Saturday night at the Elimination Chamber, the WWE shocked the world as John Cena turned heel, joined the Rock, and attacked Cody Rhodes.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 11 if that does not immediately explain to you our current geopolitical climate,

Speaker 3 you must have grown out of watching wrestling through the normal course of aging.

Speaker 13 I, on the other hand,

Speaker 18 understand

Speaker 14 this in my bones.

Speaker 19 This explains it, folks.

Speaker 12 All of your shock, all of your disappointment all of your anger.

Speaker 20 It's in there.

Speaker 21 It's in the squared circle.

Speaker 3 You see, Saturday night.

Speaker 22 Oh, we're doing this.

Speaker 22 Saturday night.

Speaker 22 John Cena.

Speaker 20 The good guy of professional wrestling.

Speaker 22 Mr.

Speaker 23 Hustle, the champ, the man who stood for everything.

Speaker 3 Truth, justice, the guy who literally holds the record for the most Make-A-Wish Foundation meetings of all time. People would get cancer just to meet John Cena.

Speaker 3 Last weekend, Cena flipped the script and went from being a face, a good guy, to a heel, a bad guy.

Speaker 12 Now, if you don't follow professional wrestling, and I'm guessing if you watch this show, you do not.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 28 But let me continue to bore you with this metaphor.

Speaker 5 So here's what happened.

Speaker 18 The current WWE champion is one Cody Rhodes.

Speaker 27 Seven people say around.

Speaker 30 Cody Rhodes is the people's champ.

Speaker 12 Unquestioned bravery.

Speaker 3 He stands in for Zelensky in this metaphor.

Speaker 33 A couple of weeks ago, The Rock, the now evil owner of the WWE,

Speaker 34 Putin in our story,

Speaker 9 made Cody Rhodes an offer.

Speaker 33 The one thing that I want more than anything in this world

Speaker 36 is that

Speaker 37 I want your soul.

Speaker 37 He wants Zelensky's soul.

Speaker 4 Oh, but sir, but sir, I am smaller and weaker than you.

Speaker 30 It will take incredible bravery for me to protect my soul and the soul of my people.

Speaker 12 But luckily, I am not protecting my soul alone.

Speaker 28 For I have the support of the great John Cena!

Speaker 28 So,

Speaker 23 Cody Rhodes, Zelensky, told Vladimir Vladimir Putin, rock, no soul for you, mother f ⁇ er!

Speaker 20 And that's when they met in the Oval Office.

Speaker 13 America went to hug Zelensky, but when America looked up, somehow Putin had given John Cena the international sign for its time.

Speaker 41 And rather than repudiate Putin, America smelled what the rock was cooking.

Speaker 20 And through that Vorschi haze, America delivered the nutshot.

Speaker 20 The nutshot to the hopes and dreams of Ukrainians everywhere.

Speaker 20 And then for no reason, America jumped on Zelensky and started punching him in the face as many times as he could.

Speaker 45 Too simplistic? No?

Speaker 45 This is it!

Speaker 3 Am I being too simplistic, assigning to the delicate art of Realpolitik a scripted outcome?

Speaker 27 Perhaps.

Speaker 12 But judge for yourself.

Speaker 47 Putin broken 25 times his own signature. 25 times he broke and ceasefire.

Speaker 37 You're in no position to dictate what we're going to feel.

Speaker 45 You're not in a good position.

Speaker 49 You don't have the cards right now.

Speaker 37 You're gambling with World War III.

Speaker 45 You're gambling with World War III.

Speaker 51 Have you said thank you once this entire meeting?

Speaker 37 We gave you, through this stupid president, $350 billion.

Speaker 37 You're either going to make a deal or we're out. This is going to be great television, I will say that.

Speaker 13 It sure wasn't.

Speaker 9 But isn't that what you want from the high-stakes diplomacy and real-life urgency that ending war demands?

Speaker 7 And you know, even reporters got some nutshots in.

Speaker 52 Why don't you wear a suit?

Speaker 53 Oh, shit!

Speaker 13 No, you didn't!

Speaker 23 Let's do the dozens.

Speaker 4 Oh, Zelensky, you're so poor and war-torn, you're down to one Brooks brother.

Speaker 46 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 You've so war-torn, you've given up the meaningless protocols of business attire.

Speaker 33 If you think I'm pushing this metaphor, look at the stunned faces in the crowd at WWE.

Speaker 18 When John Cena turned heel,

Speaker 3 I now present you the equally stunned faces of those watching this Oval Office pay-per-view Scott I've never seen anything like that you've never seen anything like that wow

Speaker 1 just wow that was that was something Caitlin I want to start with look at her face I mean

Speaker 1 Christian

Speaker 13 You broke Christiana Amenpour.

Speaker 22 The woman wanders unprotected through Taliban-controlled Afghanistan.

Speaker 25 doesn't give a f ⁇

Speaker 30 10 minutes of Trump diplomacy, and she's like, is anyone else dizzy?

Speaker 11 My A1C is plunging.

Speaker 33 Now, of course, there is one big difference between the WWE and the world of politics.

Speaker 28 In the WWE, they seem very clear on who the good guys and who the bad guys are.

Speaker 9 Nobody walked out of the match pretending that the guy who got nutshotted was the bad guy.

Speaker 1 There was this attitude of ungratefulness, seeing his smirk, seeing him roll his eyes, seeing him refer to J.D. Vance, the vice president, as J.D.

Speaker 56 He shows up in his Equinox chic outfit to the doggone Oval office.

Speaker 1 President Zelensky was also antagonistic and frankly, he was rude.

Speaker 24 So impertinent, so disrespectful, tone deaf, going in and fighting back, getting sassy with the president.

Speaker 40 He was sassy.

Speaker 26 He was sassy.

Speaker 13 He was sassy.

Speaker 24 he was a real scallywag

Speaker 46 you know what I would say if I was there in the Oval Office with him I'd say you better watch your tone mister

Speaker 12 I think it was Churchill who during World War II was roundly criticized for being a bit lippy

Speaker 3 excuse me mister we'll decide where you're gonna fight them whether it's on the beaches or not or whatever

Speaker 3 poor guy Zelensky his nation was invaded. He's against all odds held off a much bigger army for three years.

Speaker 28 And we're like, would it kill you to smile a little more?

Speaker 18 Dress a little nicer, your beautiful country, nobody would know.

Speaker 30 Show off what you got.

Speaker 26 You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 16 Maybe some of those rare metals I've been hearing some about.

Speaker 59 But I guess rising prices and a tanking stock market, that's just the cost of starting a trade war with with your neighbors.

Speaker 63 Now Mexico, they expect it, right? Trump's headed out for them since no one showed up to his quinsenera.

Speaker 68 But why Canada?

Speaker 4 We've always been tight with Canada.

Speaker 59 We were both British colonies.

Speaker 69 We play in the same sports leagues together.

Speaker 70 We share joint custody of Ryan Gosling.

Speaker 72 If Trump is going to launch a trade war with them, I hope he has a good reason, and I'm sure he does, right?

Speaker 14 Right?

Speaker 14 Right?

Speaker 1 Trump says the tariffs are needed, and he claims Canada and Mexico aren't doing enough to stop illegal immigration and fentanyl shipments.

Speaker 37 The fentanyl

Speaker 37 is massive.

Speaker 57 Of course, of course, fentanyl and migrants.

Speaker 70 That makes sense.

Speaker 75 You know, we can't just be letting Canada pump massive and massive amounts of fentanyl and migrants across our border.

Speaker 1 Data shows less than 1% of the fentanyl entering the U.S. comes from Canada, and only 1.5% of Border Patrol encounters with migrants take place at the border with Canada.

Speaker 43 Huh.

Speaker 62 Okay, so it's not fentanyl or migrants and it can't be because Trump's an insecure wannabe alpha male thumping his chest so the world pays attention to him.

Speaker 66 So I guess we'll never know.

Speaker 79 It's probably Joe Biden.

Speaker 80 Whatever it is, Prime Minister Trudeau, he wasn't having it.

Speaker 81 Today, the United States launched a trade war against Canada.

Speaker 83 Their closest partner and ally, their closest friend.

Speaker 81 Now I want to speak directly to one specific American.

Speaker 52 Donald, even though you're a very smart guy, this is a very dumb thing to do.

Speaker 86 Wow.

Speaker 50 Wow.

Speaker 53 He's mad, and he's not even world leader mad.

Speaker 73 He's dad mad.

Speaker 67 This is the same tone I use when I tell my daughter not to throw her baby sister into the crib.

Speaker 49 You are not that type of person that does this, even though you just did this and you'll probably keep doing it.

Speaker 77 But you're not this.

Speaker 75 Okay, Donald?

Speaker 78 My daughter's name is Donald.

Speaker 68 All of Canada is lining up behind Trudeau.

Speaker 31 Like Ontario's Premier Doug Ford came out to warn America about the consequences of a trade war, although in a confusing way.

Speaker 87 The people of the U.S., which I absolutely love, the American people, they're going to be paying more.

Speaker 87 The market is going to go downhill faster than the American bobsled team.

Speaker 40 Oh,

Speaker 42 oh, oh,

Speaker 29 sick burn.

Speaker 39 I think, I mean,

Speaker 70 it sounded like a slam, but if the market will go downhill really fast, that means our bobsled team is also fast.

Speaker 73 And isn't that like a compliment?

Speaker 59 Our bobsled team is supposed to go fast, right?

Speaker 70 Unless he's saying our bobsled team is slow, which is a slam, but then that means the market won't go downhill fast, which is good for our economy.

Speaker 85 This metaphor doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 59 The point is, Doug Ford is forcing me to learn about bobsledding, and I do not appreciate that.

Speaker 46 Is there a Canadian who can make an an analogy that's a little less confusing?

Speaker 69 Donna Reardon, the mayor of St.

Speaker 74 John in New Brunswick, maybe you have a good analogy.

Speaker 1 I mean we've been in this comfortable relationship with our American cousins and now we're being attacked. So you know we're breaking up with the U.S.
and it's time to move on.

Speaker 89 Yeah

Speaker 53 we're cousins but we're

Speaker 27 breaking up.

Speaker 76 This analogy is even worse than the bob sled.

Speaker 80 You can't break up with your cousin.

Speaker 62 Sure, you can both go off and get married and start your own families and try to convince yourselves you've moved on, but

Speaker 78 she's still there at Thanksgiving every year.

Speaker 49 Yeah, she brings her new husband and she laughs at his jokes, but deep down you can see in her pale blue eyes that she's sad.

Speaker 65 And I'm sad too, Stephanie.

Speaker 61 I know she can see it in my eyes, which are the same color as hers because we're related.

Speaker 74 And

Speaker 67 that's why we can't be together, right?

Speaker 31 What was I talking about?

Speaker 14 I'm sorry, but look, that's right.

Speaker 70 Oh, the trade war that we've launched for no reason.

Speaker 72 The point is, look, what Donald Trump has done to Canada.

Speaker 63 They're the nicest country on earth, the sexiest cousin, and look what we've brought them out to do.

Speaker 83 Canadians are reasonable and we are polite, but we will not back down from a fight.

Speaker 94 Ontario Premier Doug Ford threatened to shut off his province's electricity exports to the United States and block shipments of Ontario's high-grade nickel.

Speaker 1 Canadian liquor stores took American whiskey off the shelves. There's also hashtags Buy Canadian and Boycott USA going viral.
Canadian coffee shop.

Speaker 1 The Morning Owl in Ottawa has renamed its popular Americano coffee to a Canadiano. WWE fans were drowning out the performance of the Star-Spangled Banner in Toronto.
Take a listen.

Speaker 29 Damn.

Speaker 61 Canada's respect for America has gone down faster than Curtis and Hubert Stevens, gold medalists in the two-man bobsled at the 1932 Lake Placid Olympics.

Speaker 61 Now that's how you do a bobsled metaphor, Doug.

Speaker 69 The star of the night was Donald Trump. And you have to admit, he showed a lot of range last night.

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 59 Like when he talked about Doge finding social security fraud, he got to show off his lying skills.

Speaker 37 We're also identifying shocking levels of incompetence and probable fraud in the Social Security program.

Speaker 37 Government databases list 4.7 million Social Security members from people aged 100 to 109 years old.

Speaker 37 3.6 million people from ages 110

Speaker 37 to 119. 3.5 million people

Speaker 37 from ages 140

Speaker 37 149

Speaker 37 and one person is listed at 360 years of age

Speaker 59 I can't believe we're paying that many people Social Security I can't believe it because it's not true okay

Speaker 65 and I could

Speaker 20 it's been debunked

Speaker 69 I could explain why it's false and why Trump's wasting everybody's time over an Excel spreadsheet error, or in the time it would take to explain it we could watch this video of my dog Walter

Speaker 59 fact check he's perfect

Speaker 37 but Trump spent a lot of his performance on the waste Elon Musk is finding while also showcasing his masterful ability to troll just listen to some of the appalling waste we have already identified.

Speaker 37 $20 million

Speaker 37 for the Arab Sesame Street in the Middle East. Diversity, equity, and inclusion, scholarships in Burma, improving learning outcomes in Asia, LGBTQI

Speaker 37 in the African nation of Lesotho. $8 million for making mice transgender.

Speaker 14 Oh yeah.

Speaker 69 Yeah, I remember that children's book.

Speaker 70 I think it's called If You Give a Mouse a Pussy, right?

Speaker 70 Now,

Speaker 61 to be fair, $8 million to transition mice is a waste of money.

Speaker 72 You know, just look at Mickey Mouse, right?

Speaker 76 You put a $6 bow on them and boom, Minnie Mouse.

Speaker 61 But hey, Trump, maybe you shouldn't criticize weird science stuff when your new best friend is the one putting microchips in monkey brains and when those monkeys die, your other new best friend is taking them home in a doggy bag.

Speaker 90 Being president comes with a lot of pretty cool powers.

Speaker 77 You can write executive orders, you get one free checked bag on Air Force One, and even you even get an uncensored feed of C-SPAN, which...

Speaker 80 But for Donald Trump, the power he enjoys the most is the power to impose tariffs.

Speaker 37 Tariffs are easy, they're fast, they're efficient, and they bring fairness. We're going to bring so many things back to our country, and the thing that's going to get us there is tariffs.

Speaker 37 We'll take in hundreds of billions of dollars in tariffs, and we're going to make our country so strong and so rich, it will never be so rich.

Speaker 99 Tariffs.

Speaker 37 It's a beautiful word, isn't it?

Speaker 45 Tariff.

Speaker 76 It's a beautiful word.

Speaker 75 It's why I named my daughter Teriphany.

Speaker 59 This guy's so horny for tariffs, isn't he?

Speaker 101 I love any word with big natural double

Speaker 80 According to Donald Trump, tariffs are great.

Speaker 66 And I also want our country to be rich without any negative consequences.

Speaker 59 So let's see how he's imposed tariffs on Canada and Mexico.

Speaker 78 And let's sit back and let's watch that economy roar, baby.

Speaker 49 Tonight, the stock market dropping more than 600 points.

Speaker 1 U.S. stock markets plunged for the second day in a row.
We've seen consumer confidence tank. Layoff numbers across the U.S.
are the highest they've been since 2020.

Speaker 1 The R-word is back, thanks in large part to tariffs.

Speaker 14 Wait, the R word is back?

Speaker 89 Tariffs brought back the R word.

Speaker 66 So I guess I can say it.

Speaker 1 Wall Street banks are starting to raise a red flag that recession odds have become unsettlingly high.

Speaker 89 Right, right, that R word.

Speaker 59 Of course, that's what I was thinking.

Speaker 78 I can be such a recession sometimes.

Speaker 39 By the way.

Speaker 69 Is recession an R word now?

Speaker 59 Who thinks the word recession is offensive?

Speaker 62 Finance, bros?

Speaker 89 Did they get woke?

Speaker 31 Before we discuss the impending R word, we begin by acknowledging that we are on the ancestral grounds of Capital Grill, where Chad was unjustly removed by the bartender before he could get a chance to cheat on his wife.

Speaker 67 Sup, Chad.

Speaker 49 So basically, Trump said the tariffs are going to be a quick and painless way to get rich.

Speaker 29 And now that it turns out we're not all shitting gold, Republicans have moved into their new talking point.

Speaker 65 Hey, nobody said this was going to be easy.

Speaker 67 Trust the process.

Speaker 37 There'll be a little disturbance,

Speaker 37 but we're okay with that.

Speaker 51 There's going to be a little bit of pain going into this.

Speaker 103 It is going to be painful.

Speaker 35 And if I have to pay a little bit more for something, I'm all for it.

Speaker 94 We're going to have to suffer through some bad news.

Speaker 54 There's going to be a short period of time where there'll be some higher prices on certain products. It's not inflation, that's nonsense.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 75 nonsense. It's not inflation, people.

Speaker 61 It's just higher higher prices on food and cars and gas and every other product we import from our biggest trading partners.

Speaker 58 But do you know what?

Speaker 72 We might be in for some hard times, but tariffs are Donald Trump's whole thing.

Speaker 61 And if there's one thing I know about Donald Trump, he's a man who sticks to his guns.

Speaker 104 Breaking news into CNN, President Trump's officially delaying tariffs on Mexico and Canada.

Speaker 90 After all that, tariffs are now on hold?

Speaker 63 Trump just backed away from those tariffs like it was a long-time friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.

Speaker 90 So tariffs are on, they're delayed, they're off.

Speaker 14 Who knows if they'll come back or when or for how long?

Speaker 101 Look, I'm not a big business guy, but quick question.

Speaker 63 Does anyone know if businesses need to make decisions more than four hours in advance?

Speaker 59 So it appears the only silver lining in this pointless trade war is that at least we're only fighting with Canada and Mexico.

Speaker 65 You know?

Speaker 59 If you're going to pick a fight, pick a fight with two sissy countries you can beat, right?

Speaker 17 Right?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 The Chinese embassy in the U.S. tweeting earlier this week, quote, if war is what the U.S.
wants, be it a tariff war, a trade war, or any other type of war, we're ready to fight till the end.

Speaker 58 Oh, shit.

Speaker 40 China.

Speaker 90 China don't play.

Speaker 85 They're like, if you got beef, we got broccoli, bitch.

Speaker 67 Let's go.

Speaker 63 Listen, Donald, Canada and Mexico are one thing, but please don't piss off China.

Speaker 74 I know you wrote the art of the deal, but they wrote the art of war.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 77 And I think a trade war with China might lead to, at best, a devastating economic depression or, at worst, nuclear destruction of most of American cities.

Speaker 37 Or as Trump might say, May there be a little disturbance.

Speaker 64 Now, one of Trump's big promises for his second term was deporting violent immigrants from America, and he often mentioned one violent gang in particular.

Speaker 37 Trende Aragua. Remove the savage gang, Trendi Aragua.
Trende Aragua.

Speaker 103 Trendi Aragua.

Speaker 103 Trende Aragua.

Speaker 64 You know, the members of that gang are like, is that us?

Speaker 50 He's talking about that.

Speaker 64 Trump sounds like my grandfather ordering Chipotle.

Speaker 64 I'll take the barbaric!

Speaker 29 Buenos nachos!

Speaker 64 And over the weekend, Trump announced he was deporting hundreds of these suspected Venezuelan gang members all the way back to

Speaker 64 El Salvador. So

Speaker 64 close enough. And of course, these suspected gang members would be afforded a rigorous legal procedure, including a trial, the presentation of evidence, and all the rights of due process.

Speaker 107 I'm just f ⁇ ing with you.

Speaker 85 He did a Trump.

Speaker 1 The administration invoking an obscure law, the Aliens Enemies Act of 1798, which allows the government to deport people with little to no due process and was last used to round up Japanese Americans during World War II.

Speaker 64 Last used to round up Japanese Americans during World War II.

Speaker 64 Why does Trump always have to pick the oldest, most racist laws to do what he wants to do? I'm I'm cutting taxes under the authority of the It's Okay to Drown Italians Law of 1863.

Speaker 64 It's not just that it's archaic. Invoking that law has some big problems.

Speaker 64 One is that if you're deporting gang members but there's no due process, then you don't really know if you're deporting gang members. You're just deporting people who you think look like gang members.

Speaker 64 And if you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, I mean, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Speaker 64 But,

Speaker 17 you know what?

Speaker 85 You know what?

Speaker 64 I'm sure Donald Trump has the cultural understanding to carefully discern who is a member of,

Speaker 64 what's that gang name again?

Speaker 103 Trendy Argua.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 45 Yeah, you guys are f ⁇ ed.

Speaker 64 There's another problem with invoking this law, which is it's supposed to be used in wartime. So to make this work, Trump had to pretend that we're at war with Venezuela, which we're not.

Speaker 64 Not to mention, a pretend war is an extremely complicated concept to throw at the Secretary of Defense on St. Patrick's Day.

Speaker 64 So,

Speaker 40 man.

Speaker 17 Okay, so bottom line, bottom line here.

Speaker 64 Okay, there's a lot of legal questions up in the air. So on Saturday, a federal judge decided to pump the brakes.

Speaker 1 That federal judge in an emergency hearing Saturday ordered any plane containing these folks folks that is going to take off or is in the air needs to be returned to the United States, adding, this is something that you need to make sure is complied with immediately.

Speaker 14 Oh, well,

Speaker 40 it was a good try, Donald, but the judge has ruled and that's the way the system works.

Speaker 64 So, Trump brought the Venezuelans back, gave them due process, did the whole constitution thing.

Speaker 40 I'm f ⁇ ing with you again.

Speaker 93 He ignored the judge.

Speaker 1 The administration made a calculated decision to ignore a federal judge's directive to turn the flights around.

Speaker 64 My God, I mean, if you had told me that Donald Trump would trigger a constitutional crisis just seven weeks into his term, I would have said, that is a lot later than I thought.

Speaker 45 I mean,

Speaker 85 Donald showed a lot of restraint.

Speaker 64 I mean, Trump's really becoming presidential.

Speaker 64 Of course, the administration didn't just come out and say, we don't listen to judges from now on. They had the respect for the judicial branch to come up with some bullshit.

Speaker 1 The White House argued that Bosberg's written order was issued when the planes were already mid-air and that his verbal order some 40 minutes earlier did not count.

Speaker 5 It didn't count.

Speaker 36 Is that how rulings work?

Speaker 64 You have to put it in writing, you can't just say it? Well, this is definitely not the first time that Trump has defended himself by arguing that oral doesn't count.

Speaker 64 Look it up.

Speaker 64 Look it up.

Speaker 64 Look, the judge wasn't terribly impressed with that argument, so Trump's lawyers went with another response, which was, can't catch me, Forcefield!

Speaker 77 The Trump administration argued that the court no longer had jurisdiction once the planes were over international waters.

Speaker 94 Yes, okay, apparently the Constitution is not in effect over international waters.

Speaker 64 That explains Carnival Cruise Line's new ship, the SS Cruel and Unusual Punishment.

Speaker 64 And while the Trump administration is saying that it has the right to ignore judicial orders, President Trump himself is somehow going even further.

Speaker 83 President Donald Trump just took to Truth Social and deemed this judge, responding to this decision here, calling him a radical left lunatic of a judge, a troublemaker and agitator who was sadly appointed by Barack Hussein Obama.

Speaker 83 He says this judge should be impeached.

Speaker 58 So there you have it.

Speaker 64 Donald Trump went from, oh, sorry, we would have listened to this judge if we had heard it in time, to, actually, this lunatic judge should be impeached.

Speaker 49 And if you would have told me that that all happened in 48 hours, I would have said, wow, again, longer than I expected.

Speaker 64 Donald Trump made lots of promises during the presidential campaign, and he emphasized one thing in particular.

Speaker 37 Starting on day one, we will bring competence and common sense back to the Oval Office. Restore competence and effectiveness to our federal government.

Speaker 108 Kamala says, vote for her, and you're voting for joy.

Speaker 109 What's the one-word counterpart?

Speaker 37 Competence. Competence.

Speaker 9 But real competence.

Speaker 37 Real, real competence. Not just,

Speaker 9 he's sort of a competent person. No, real competence.

Speaker 40 Yes, yes.

Speaker 64 The more you say that something is real, the more people believe you.

Speaker 85 My real, real girlfriend lives in real Canada she's just

Speaker 85 not just sort of my girlfriend she's my real girlfriend she's real and I touched her real boobies

Speaker 14 by the way what room is that

Speaker 64 I feel like the beast must have Belle trapped in the room next door right

Speaker 64 but yes Trump promised his presidency would be marked by competence and now that we're two months in Let's see how that's going.

Speaker 1 Some serious security concerns over the newly released JFK files and real anger after social security numbers and other private information of more than 200 people were made public on Tuesday.

Speaker 1 The Washington Post reports that among them are former congressional staffers and one of Donald Trump's most vocal defenders, his former campaign lawyer, Joseph DeGenova.

Speaker 1 He is furious, telling the Post it's absolutely outrageous, adding, It's like a first-grade elementary-level rule of security to redact things like that.

Speaker 5 Whoa!

Speaker 64 Man, looks like 304-556622 is really upset about that leak.

Speaker 85 Man, social security numbers, addresses, full names.

Speaker 64 The only thing that wasn't in the JFK papers was who killed JFK.

Speaker 85 And Trump's poor, poor lawyer.

Speaker 64 He's probably like, oh man, I never would have represented you in your 2020 election fraud case if I knew you'd be untrustworthy.

Speaker 64 But we can't be be surprised. Everything Trump has done so far has been sloppy.

Speaker 64 Whether it's Doge not knowing who they're firing, ICE not knowing who they're deporting, turns out they can't even do a classic DEI purge right.

Speaker 1 Tonight, the Pentagon's sparking outrage after removing from its website a story celebrating the Army record of American icon, Jackie Robinson.

Speaker 1 A senior military official tells us tonight that the Pentagon relies on computer software to scrub DEI content from its websites and that ultimately those stories about Jackie Jackie Robinson were removed by mistake.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Oh,

Speaker 85 don't blame us.

Speaker 1 Blame our racist software.

Speaker 64 We should have never used chat KKK.

Speaker 64 Classic mistake.

Speaker 108 Classic mistake.

Speaker 85 Be careful where it is.

Speaker 64 The Jackie Robinson mistake wasn't even the most embarrassing anti-DEI flub.

Speaker 1 In some cases, photos seemed to be flagged for removal simply because their file included the word gay, including service members with that last name and an image of the B-29 aircraft Enola Gay, which dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima.

Speaker 89 That's how lazy they were with this.

Speaker 64 They just control-F'd for gay-sounding keywords and deleted anything that showed up. Now, kids won't know about the Enola Gay, they won't know about transport planes,

Speaker 64 and they'll never hear about the heroic service of Captain Grinder McSiserie.

Speaker 64 Tragic.

Speaker 64 What's extra tragic is this could have all been avoided if they had just named the plane Enola Gay No Homo, you know?

Speaker 9 But luckily, our national free speech nightmare recently came to an end when we entered the golden age of Donald Jehosafe for Trump.

Speaker 37 We have saved free speech in America and we've saved it strongly. Free speech in America.
It's back.

Speaker 108 Thank God God we have a president now who believes in free speech.

Speaker 40 Yes.

Speaker 38 Thank God.

Speaker 9 We have a president now who believes in free speech.

Speaker 28 Just go ahead, roll 212.

Speaker 37 I believe that CNN and MSDNC, what they do is illegal. I think CBS should lose its license, but I think ABC should lose its license also because of what they've done.

Speaker 6 I watched what happened live.

Speaker 32 I think Bravo should also lose their license.

Speaker 23 What they did to Dorinda on Traders,

Speaker 41 they should be sent to a Salvadorian aloe.

Speaker 13 This is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 10 Generally, you've got to search the archives for contradictions on one stated principles, dig through policy papers to uncover private actions that are undermined by someone's public stance.

Speaker 16 But this is so, this is so blatant, I can't wrap my head around it. It's not even the hypocrisy.

Speaker 96 It's that they so

Speaker 22 fetishize free speech, this thing that they do not in any way actually practice.

Speaker 111 The freedom to speak our minds and express the truth that is our

Speaker 111 heart. Really, that's really a big chunk of our heart.

Speaker 10 Any cardiologist will tell you

Speaker 8 hearts come in chunks.

Speaker 10 Blood comes into the aorta to the right ventricle, passes through your speech chunk.

Speaker 3 But since coming into office, Trump and the Republicans have instituted policies that are a dagger right through many people's speech chunks.

Speaker 1 The White House has barred the Associated Press from presidential events because the AP has refused to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America in its style book.

Speaker 106 And in a dramatic escalation against the American legal system, Trump this weekend directed his government to target law firms battling his actions.

Speaker 1 Federal immigration officials arrested a Palestinian activist who helped lead last year's student encampment protest at Columbia.

Speaker 37 I think we ought to get them all out of the country. They're troublemakers.
they're agitators, they don't love our country.

Speaker 37 My chunks!

Speaker 30 My precious chunks, my lovely lady chunks.

Speaker 3 Not chunks, not chunks, my lovely lady chunks.

Speaker 9 You're making my perineum tingle.

Speaker 34 Here's the thing.

Speaker 9 These attacks on free speech, especially the one where they deported that activist, if there's one thing that I know about the powerful principles at our higher education institutions, they will not be bullied by a roll 212.

Speaker 1 Columbia University is bowing to President Trump's demands, announcing it will change a number of policies.

Speaker 93 Among them, placing the school's Middle Eastern, South Asian, and African Studies Department under academic receivership for at least five years.

Speaker 22 Some students protest the war in Gaza.

Speaker 11 Suddenly, a whole academic department is on double secret probation with government oversight.

Speaker 3 And by the way, okay, Middle East part, African studies?

Speaker 3 What did they do?

Speaker 7 Should the African studies professor is like, I teach intermediate Swahili.

Speaker 32 See, these guys don't give a f about free speech. They care about their speech.

Speaker 3 It's so blatant hypocrisy.

Speaker 7 It's so old school daily show gotcha.

Speaker 16 You know what? I'm just going to put on the wig I used to wear during those years.

Speaker 30 Because the hypocrisy is just so, here's Donald Trump.

Speaker 32 on those who would criticize judges that he has appointed.

Speaker 37 A lot of the judges that I had, if you look at them, they take tremendous abuse and it's truly interference in my opinion and it should be illegal and it probably is illegal in some form.

Speaker 32 Yes, criticizing judges.

Speaker 5 It is interference.

Speaker 11 It should be illegal. Tremendous abuse.

Speaker 13 And four days later, not four

Speaker 43 days later,

Speaker 11 not a full French work week later.

Speaker 83 President Donald Trump just took to True Social and deemed this judge, responding to this decision here, calling him a radical left lunatic of a judge, a troublemaker and agitator who was sadly appointed by Barack Hussein Obama.

Speaker 83 He says this judge should be impeached. The hypocrisy.

Speaker 83 It bursts.

Speaker 38 And are we really still doing the Barack Hussein Obama thing? Oh, free the Rambe. Come on, people.

Speaker 16 See, what was the whole thing that they hated about the left on free speech?

Speaker 109 No one is safe from the left's word police.

Speaker 38 No one.

Speaker 16 What exactly would an actual government-run word police organization look like?

Speaker 112 The Trump administration is actively trying to purge the federal government of so-called woke initiatives. Government agencies have flagged hundreds of words to limit or avoid.

Speaker 112 Words like DEI, BIPOC, anti-racism, Latin X, Native American, black, women. Seemingly random words like expression, at risk, political, and even mental health and sex.

Speaker 112 What's left?

Speaker 25 BIPOC and Latinx, I get that.

Speaker 21 You're not allowed to say sex.

Speaker 5 You can't say words like women or sex.

Speaker 11 Or hashtag me too.

Speaker 22 How can a lot of your cabinet members members describe their weekends?

Speaker 27 You know, you can't protest in a way that

Speaker 16 offends the right. You can't teach things that the right doesn't want you to teach.
You can't read things that they don't want you to read.

Speaker 2 You can't use words that they don't want you to use, but they love free speech.

Speaker 9 I guess fear not.

Speaker 28 At least we'll always have art.

Speaker 114 President Trump demanding a painting of him be removed because he finds it unflattering.

Speaker 32 He's demanding they take it down because he believes this picture is unflattering.

Speaker 13 Which really really makes you think, do you think other pictures of you are flattering?

Speaker 44 At least in the painting, they blended the foundation into your hair.

Speaker 8 We're going to check in with our good friend, Democracy.

Speaker 3 Gonna give him the old turn your head and cough.

Speaker 24 How's democracy doing?

Speaker 1 In some of his strongest comments yet, President Trump says he's considering his options to serve a third term in office, a breach of the Constitution's two-term limit for presidents.

Speaker 30 I'm sorry, considering the option?

Speaker 22 What are you trying to order off-menu from the Constitution?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, see, you got a, what do you got?

Speaker 25 Two terms here, but can I get it animal style?

Speaker 11 What are you going to do? A third term?

Speaker 3 How does that work exactly?

Speaker 1 In a phone call with NBC, Trump saying, quote, there are methods which you could do it, including possibly urging his vice president, J.D. Vance, to run and then cede power back to Trump.

Speaker 1 The president saying that's one method, but that there are others too.

Speaker 40 Yes.

Speaker 11 There are other methods.

Speaker 11 Did you tried one a few years ago?

Speaker 11 There are other methods for staying in power beyond when you are legally allowed to be there.

Speaker 12 Historically, some of them involved catapults.

Speaker 18 Although maybe Trump has something more creative in mind with the Vance thing.

Speaker 3 Have you guys heard of the movie Face Off?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so here's how it's going to work.

Speaker 12 Trump will watch that movie as the military seizes power.

Speaker 13 Like, what the f?

Speaker 7 I'm sure at which point Chuck Schumer will say, I will allow it

Speaker 9 because in the third term

Speaker 18 we think his popularity will go down to the 30s

Speaker 77 the second Trump administration is off to a roaring start if you don't count the economy inflation rampant corruption cyberbullying of allied nations and we're all going to die of measles so it makes sense that on Sunday he said he's considering running for a third term.

Speaker 6 But of course, the liberal media is freaking out.

Speaker 115 New fallout after President Trump did not rule out the possibility of a third term.

Speaker 1 A move that would require breaching the two-term limit outlined in the Constitution. Caroline, what method would the president use to potentially run for a third term?

Speaker 1 Look, you guys continue to ask the president this question about a third term, and then he answers honestly and candidly with a smile, and then everybody here melts down about his answer.

Speaker 45 Yeah, right.

Speaker 39 Yeah, right.

Speaker 59 Obviously this is the media's fault, okay?

Speaker 59 If they ask the president a question, of course he's going to give you a deranged answer.

Speaker 96 What do you expect him to say?

Speaker 53 No, I'm constitutionally barred from running again.

Speaker 39 Come on.

Speaker 96 The guy's just having a good time.

Speaker 68 His fellow Republicans know nobody gets comedy like the Republicans.

Speaker 116 Don't you think he's probably kind of trolling?

Speaker 117 I think he's probably having some fun with it. Probably messing with it.

Speaker 95 This is a president who loves to give a snake in a can to the media just to watch them open it. And he's doing that.
This is another jump scare that has just lit up the internet.

Speaker 59 Yeah, guys, relax.

Speaker 59 The president of the most powerful nation in the world is just, he's in his Dennis the Menace phase.

Speaker 69 The point is, everybody knows he's joking.

Speaker 61 Trump isn't serious about a potential third term.

Speaker 1 Trump insisted he was serious about a potential third term. Trump said, I'm not joking.
I'm not joking.

Speaker 68 No, no, that can mean anything.

Speaker 68 That can mean anything.

Speaker 61 Look, the truth is, Trump doesn't really joke so much as he jokes, right?

Speaker 49 The same way that guys joke to their wives about having a threesome.

Speaker 118 You know, that would be so wild.

Speaker 61 Obviously, we'd never do that. I mean, definitely not with my coworker Cindy that you said was pretty once.

Speaker 96 And I'm sure she's open to stuff because her nose is pierced.

Speaker 89 That would be so hilarious, right?

Speaker 96 Or would it be sexy?

Speaker 61 Personally, I'm not freaking out that Trump is going to defy the Constitution because he's already been doing it.

Speaker 61 For weeks now, ICE has been rounding up any immigrant who they suspect is a member of the Venezuelan gang Trendiaragua, or as Trump pronounces it, Trendiarguay.

Speaker 102 Muy bien, senor presidente.

Speaker 49 But this week, we found out that instead of sending these suspects to a trial or a hearing, you know, all the due process shit in the Constitution, the ICE agents just fill out a checklist on the suspect.

Speaker 70 And if the suspect scores an eight or more, they get deported to an El Salvadorian prison.

Speaker 59 Look, look, I'm not a legal expert, but I'd rather not be sentenced to life in a foreign prison with the same checklist system that Cosmo uses to decide if I'm good girl hot or bad girl hot.

Speaker 65 By the way, I'm bad girl hot.

Speaker 65 Woo! You have nothing hot.

Speaker 59 And reading through the checklist doesn't make me feel any better either. Okay, you get points just for having a tattoo of a star or a clock or the Michael Jordan logo.

Speaker 68 It doesn't even have to be a tattoo.

Speaker 69 You can just get points for wearing a bull's jersey.

Speaker 65 So have fun in prison, Hannah Montana.

Speaker 53 If that's even your real name.

Speaker 61 But hey, I'm sure the famously detail-oriented Trump administration isn't going to deport people without making sure they're hardened criminals, right?

Speaker 14 Right?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 The Trump administration now admitting that a Maryland father from El Salvador was mistakenly deported to a super prison, government lawyers just confirmed that the man who was granted protected status in 2019 was deported due to, quote, an administrative error.

Speaker 96 Oopsie doopsie, I did a poopsie.

Speaker 101 Could it be that the geniuses who added Jeffrey Goldberg to the strike team group chat aren't great at identifying the correct people?

Speaker 31 If only there is a way that they could have presented this suspect before another person, someone who, I don't know, and I'm just spitballing, maybe could have judged whether or not the person could have been deported.

Speaker 63 Maybe that person, I don't know, could be behind a tall desk and they hold a stick with a robe and they're federally appointed and they say things like, another DUI, Mr.

Speaker 60 Acosta?

Speaker 80 I'd put you in prison, but you're too bad girl hot.

Speaker 26 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 90 Let's just...

Speaker 59 Let's just do another checklist. Thank you for that.

Speaker 58 But hey, but hey, but hey, no harm, no foul.

Speaker 71 We can just get that guy back on the next flight, right?

Speaker 14 Right?

Speaker 5 Right?

Speaker 1 But here's the thing. The administration argues he can't be brought back because now he's in El Salvador's custody.

Speaker 45 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 67 What are you talking about?

Speaker 77 We can't get one person out of a prison that we sent to that prison.

Speaker 49 J.D.

Speaker 73 Vance is out there calling dibs on rare earth minerals underneath Greenland and Ukraine, but with El Salvador, suddenly they're like, hey, sorry, no hablo español.

Speaker 59 Trump, don't don't you speak Spanish?

Speaker 103 Trendy, Argual.

Speaker 58 Tremendioso.

Speaker 59 Seeing all these constitutional crises pile up, it makes me wonder what sort of evil machinations Donald Trump is plotting inside the Oval Office right now.

Speaker 37 A friend of mine, Kid Rock, sometimes referred to as Bob, I know him as Bob, but he's been a good friend for a long time, many years, and he's been

Speaker 36 after something that is for the good of a lot of people.

Speaker 61 Mr.

Speaker 62 President, I don't mean to alarm you, but the guy next to you,

Speaker 61 he's scoring a lot of points on that checklist right now.

Speaker 73 While Democrats were congratulating themselves for their bladder control, Donald Trump was shitting out a new holiday.

Speaker 1 A big day for the country, President Trump calling it Liberation Day.

Speaker 58 Liberation Day.

Speaker 91 Liberation Day.

Speaker 1 The world is watching.

Speaker 101 Right, Liberation Day.

Speaker 100 That sounds like the fake holiday your friends make up after you get dumped, you know?

Speaker 39 No, man. No, man.

Speaker 70 Who needs that beautiful, smart, independently, wealthy woman in your life when you could die alone?

Speaker 69 This is your Liberation Day, bro.

Speaker 89 But actually, what is it?

Speaker 119 Our breaking news just moments ago. President Trump officially announcing widespread, what he calls reciprocal tariffs, at least 10%,

Speaker 119 on practically all goods coming into the United States.

Speaker 37 My fellow Americans, this is Liberation Day.

Speaker 37 April 2nd, 2025 will forever be remembered as the day American industry was reborn, the day America's destiny was reclaimed.

Speaker 49 Okay, so Liberation Day is just the day that Trump announced new tariffs.

Speaker 49 I kind of doubt this day will be remembered for all of history, but if you give me a day off from work, you can call it whatever you want, to be honest with you.

Speaker 45 Now,

Speaker 96 You might be thinking, what am I even being liberated from?

Speaker 89 The ability to afford goods and services?

Speaker 39 Yes, but

Speaker 20 what Trump is hoping happens is that businesses move back to America.

Speaker 70 But until then, Republicans are preparing Americans for the inevitable rocky road ahead.

Speaker 109 I feel like in some ways in the economy, this is kind of like a kitchen remodel or a bath remodel. There's a bit of a mess at the beginning, but everybody has a long-term look of where we're headed.

Speaker 117 I mean, if you're going to remodel your house to make it better in the end, it's going to be really annoying in the short term when your house is getting remodeled.

Speaker 117 And there's drywall desks everywhere and there's workers in your living room. The reality is that remodel has got to happen in order to make things stronger and more stable on the back end.

Speaker 90 Great.

Speaker 40 It's like a home remodel.

Speaker 61 I feel much better about tariffs now that you compared it to something famous for costing people way more than they ever expected.

Speaker 61 Nobody.

Speaker 14 Nobody likes a remodel.

Speaker 90 And they especially don't like the people in charge of the remodel.

Speaker 61 Even the homeowners who hired Jesus to be their carpenter hated him

Speaker 102 is he seriously going out for another walk on water I'm gonna kill that guy

Speaker 96 but look guys whether you like it or not Republicans don't want to hear your bitching because we all knew this was coming It's gonna be a rocky road and Trump has admitted that.

Speaker 1 Trump has acknowledged that there will be some minor inflationary aspect of that as he begins to realign the economy to put America first.

Speaker 1 Everybody knows and when they voted in November of 2024, they knew that's what they were voting for.

Speaker 59 Yeah, that's right, voters.

Speaker 70 You can belly ache all you want, but we all knew what we were voting for.

Speaker 96 Trump was very honest during the campaign that tariffs would drive prices higher, right?

Speaker 14 Right?

Speaker 43 Right?

Speaker 119 You want to impose a 10% tariff on all goods coming into the U.S.

Speaker 108 How will you ensure that that doesn't drive prices even higher?

Speaker 37 It's not going to drive them higher.

Speaker 74 Do you believe Americans can afford higher prices because of tariffs?

Speaker 37 They're not going to have higher prices.

Speaker 90 Okay, okay.

Speaker 98 Technically, he said prices wouldn't go up, but in his defense, he was lying.

Speaker 37 And you should have known that, so that's on you.

Speaker 17 But you know what?

Speaker 42 Yeah, perfect.

Speaker 60 Some people at Fox News would like to know why you're so obsessed with your money in the first place, huh?

Speaker 115 There are some things more important than money, and the president's trying to tell Americans, you know, there may be a little suffering going on here.

Speaker 37 It's a little volatile right now, but people have been very happy and very enthusiastic since the administration was inaugurated.

Speaker 115 Look, I wouldn't watch the stock market every hour, every day.

Speaker 105 I really hope that somehow the average person out there can separate themselves and their mindset from Wall Street.

Speaker 85 You know, don't let fooled by what's happening in the stock market.

Speaker 58 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 68 making money isn't everything.

Speaker 59 Take it from the guy hosting the show called Making Money.

Speaker 65 Yesterday, Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs across the entire globe.

Speaker 45 Asia, South America, Narnia, Arendale, Wakanda, Bachelor Nation.

Speaker 80 If you can imagine it, Trump slapped a tariff on it.

Speaker 14 And today, the reviews came in.

Speaker 1 Carnage on Wall Street. Markets falling, tumbling.

Speaker 63 Stocks plunging.

Speaker 104 Down, down, downs.

Speaker 82 The NASDAQ's getting crushed.

Speaker 119 Small caps are getting crushed.

Speaker 49 This is a shock to the system.

Speaker 1 It is ugly out there. Worst than worst case scenario.
Stocks are getting slashed and burned. Two and a half trillion dollars vaporized.

Speaker 31 $2.5 trillion vaporized.

Speaker 23 Your kids' college fund disintegrated.

Speaker 46 Your 401k given the death penalty.

Speaker 90 Your pension waterboarded in Guantanamo.

Speaker 80 Those stocks your Nana gave you 20 years ago accidentally stepped on a landmine while vacationing in Vietnam.

Speaker 59 Economists say we could be on the verge of a recession, so things are looking scary right now.

Speaker 63 But don't worry, the only thing the president is better at than negotiating is speaking soothing words of comfort in times of need.

Speaker 83 We have heard from President Trump.

Speaker 105 He took the Truth Social, wrote this.

Speaker 93 The operation is over.

Speaker 97 The patient lived and is healing.

Speaker 51 The prognosis is that the patient will be far stronger, bigger, better, and more resilient than ever before.

Speaker 100 Boy, I feel so much better now.

Speaker 75 You know, I mean,

Speaker 91 always reassuring when the surgeon comes out screaming at the top of his lungs, the patient is fine!

Speaker 40 Everything is going great!

Speaker 26 Does anybody have a mop?

Speaker 21 The thing is, the patient didn't need major surgery.

Speaker 4 We just needed a teeth cleaning.

Speaker 59 Keep it clean and shiny.

Speaker 31 No one wants to wake up from heart surgery to their dental hygienist shouting, I think he's going to live.

Speaker 96 Also, the patient is going to be bigger?

Speaker 20 Was the surgery a penis enhancement?

Speaker 118 If so, what kind?

Speaker 59 Was it latex injections, scrotoplasty, ligament extension, ventral phalloplasty, a fat transfer to enhance girth?

Speaker 68 I mean, I think those are the options.

Speaker 75 I don't know.

Speaker 61 Now look, you could argue that it's bad that my retired 78-year-old mom is polishing up her resume now, but to Donald Trump, it's all worth it because we're correcting a grave injustice.

Speaker 1 President Trump says the higher penalties come in response to tariffs those countries impose on American products they import.

Speaker 37 Reciprocal, that means they do it to us and we do it to them. Very simple.

Speaker 96 Yeah, it's very simple in that it is simply not true.

Speaker 68 All right, the reality.

Speaker 63 The reality is that the numbers on his board are not the tariffs other countries are charging us.

Speaker 63 They actually represent the trade deficit between the U.S.

Speaker 59 and those countries, meaning we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us.

Speaker 70 I'm just going to repeat this.

Speaker 80 Those numbers don't represent the tariffs. They represent that we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us.

Speaker 59 That means we're basically punishing other countries for selling us stuff that we want.

Speaker 61 This is like me going to John Varvados and beating the shit out of him because I like his socks.

Speaker 59 Why don't you ever buy my socks, John Varvados? I don't make any socks, but that's no excuse.

Speaker 59 But that's really what's going on.

Speaker 62 It's not actually about tariffs.

Speaker 61 It's about other countries not buying enough of our stuff.

Speaker 76 Although Howard Luttnick, Commerce Secretary and Cologne Sponge, had another way to put it.

Speaker 11 I mean, the European Union won't take chicken from America.

Speaker 7 They won't take lobsters from America.

Speaker 54 They hate our beef because our beef is beautiful and theirs is weak.

Speaker 63 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 54 They won't, we can't sell corn to India, we can't sell rice to Asia.

Speaker 39 Yeah,

Speaker 59 yeah, although I'm not sure tariffs are the reason we can't sell rice to Asia.

Speaker 59 I think they figured rice out about 10,000 years ago.

Speaker 53 Now, if they want to add a roni, well, then let us know.

Speaker 50 We got that figured out.

Speaker 43 By the way,

Speaker 59 Europe's beef is weak?

Speaker 65 I'm sure that's not true.

Speaker 31 They famously have a running from the beef event where the beef tramples people.

Speaker 65 You know what?

Speaker 63 I'm not too concerned about Donald Trump not understanding how his tariffs work because he's Donald Trump.

Speaker 61 He doesn't understand how to make money running a casino.

Speaker 59 The important thing is that there are adults in the room.

Speaker 63 like Scott Besson, Treasury Secretary and college dean who understands that boys will be boys.

Speaker 65 That guy's going to have the answers we need.

Speaker 1 What do you expect the stock market to look like when it opens tomorrow in reaction to this? I don't know. Should we view these as permanent?

Speaker 49 Again, I think we're going to wait and see how this plays out.

Speaker 1 Do you plan on having negotiations before that date?

Speaker 49 I just don't know if they're going to be negotiations.

Speaker 1 Canada and Mexico are notably missing on that chart. Why is that?

Speaker 35 I'm not sure.

Speaker 78 You know,

Speaker 68 I have a question. Do you know anything?

Speaker 68 Why are you out here doing interviews?

Speaker 96 It's not very reassuring to have the Treasury Secretary of the United States going, uh-uh.

Speaker 101 You know what?

Speaker 63 Maybe they can't give us clarification because there isn't clarification.

Speaker 61 We just assume they have a good reason for imploding the economy because why else would you implode the economy?

Speaker 61 But then you uncover something like this and you realize, I'm not sure they even know what they're doing.

Speaker 1 Every country on the list faces at least 10% tariffs.

Speaker 1 Even small, remote places like the Heard and McDonald Islands, they are near Antarctica and covered in glaciers, home to many penguins, but no people.

Speaker 45 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 59 We put a 10% tariff.

Speaker 68 We put a 10% tariff on an island that only has penguins?

Speaker 59 Trump would have been better off tariffing that island Tom Hanks got stranded on.

Speaker 98 At least it had one guy in that little volleyball he was f ⁇ ing.

Speaker 63 Is this a mistake?

Speaker 80 Look, I know old people butt dial strangers all the time, but this is the first time I've heard of someone butt tariffing an entire country.

Speaker 13 Now you might remember when Donald Trump was re-elected, Wall Street was thrilled, excited about deregulation, tax cuts.

Speaker 30 and the fact that you could once again call people sugar tits.

Speaker 1 One top banker told the paper that he feels liberated because now he can use offensive slurs like the R word and the P word without fear of getting canceled at work.

Speaker 18 The R word and the P word?

Speaker 2 Well, I can tell you today that that top banker is definitely using both of those words.

Speaker 44 Perhaps even adding motherfucker

Speaker 13 right now.

Speaker 1 The market meltdown for the third straight day.

Speaker 120 Global markets are sinking.

Speaker 1 Markets across Asia, Europe, and Australia plunging.

Speaker 51 At one point this morning, the Dow sinking almost 1,600 points.

Speaker 1 The markets lost more than $6.5 trillion in value.

Speaker 49 This is an economic Armageddon.

Speaker 6 Who wears a Hawaiian shirt to an economic art gang, bro?

Speaker 27 What are we doing here?

Speaker 13 Would they pull you in from the pool?

Speaker 3 Either financial channels Rodney Dangerfield or something?

Speaker 80 I told my wife about the stock plunge.

Speaker 30 She said, oh, I thought you guys would never go down there.

Speaker 10 Haven't done that one in a while.

Speaker 4 This turmoil could have lasting effects on the global economy, on everyday Americans, and most worryingly, the stock portfolios of members of Congress.

Speaker 113 Mr.

Speaker 24 President, now is the time to soothe a worried nation.

Speaker 1 Donald Trump put this out on social media. Don't be weak, don't be stupid, don't be a pannikin, which he has termed a new party based on weak and stupid people.

Speaker 38 Panican?

Speaker 3 The genius who gave us classics like Sleepy Joe

Speaker 2 and Crooked Hillary just shit out, you're a panican?

Speaker 3 How about hystericrats,

Speaker 14 Repussicans?

Speaker 3 How about crionologists?

Speaker 113 Did the overseas factory you had been sourcing your nicknames from get shut down during the tariff war?

Speaker 2 So we're going to try this again, Mr. President.

Speaker 12 Can you ease the fears of this nation like a true leader?

Speaker 1 President Trump holding firm, posting on True Social, only the weak will fail.

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 30 Your economic policy has the same tagline as season three of Squid Game?

Speaker 27 That's supposed to make us feel better?

Speaker 26 Only the weak shall die in my economy.

Speaker 3 By the way, in case you didn't get the point that he doesn't give a f ⁇ ,

Speaker 4 he spent the weekend showing, not telling.

Speaker 7 He played not a round of golf this weekend, a tournament of golf.

Speaker 44 A three-day tournament.

Speaker 30 He 812 holes of golf with his live golf Saudi benefactors.

Speaker 12 And in case you're wondering about the venerated journalists who are now allowed to be in the press pool, this was literally the first question he was asked on Air Force One in the middle of a financial meltdown.

Speaker 15 How was the boss for the bed? Very good.

Speaker 15 Because I won.

Speaker 15 It's good to win. You heard I won, right? Did you hear I won?

Speaker 15 Because I won. You heard I won.

Speaker 76 You heard I won. I won.

Speaker 27 You heard I won.

Speaker 20 I won.

Speaker 76 Mom, mom, I won.

Speaker 76 Mom!

Speaker 42 I won the tournament, mom.

Speaker 42 I'm a good boy.

Speaker 107 Good boy, good golf.

Speaker 9 I know the stock market is not the totality of the economy, but if I remember correctly, in the run-up to the election, Trump seemed very concerned about the stock market.

Speaker 37 If Harris wins this election, the result will be a Kamala economic crash, a 1929-style depression.

Speaker 11 And anything she can do, I can do better.

Speaker 5 I can do it on my own. I won, mom.
Hey, mom.

Speaker 5 Hey, mom, look.

Speaker 13 Hey, mom, look, no economy.

Speaker 13 Please love me.

Speaker 8 And it didn't have to happen like this.

Speaker 3 Trump had so many options to shape the world economy into the one he thought was fairer. He could have proposed some incentives to bring back manufacturing.

Speaker 2 He could have gone sector to sector, nation to nation, negotiate better trade reciprocal agreements.

Speaker 6 But he had to go to full Teresa.

Speaker 6 Now to be failed

Speaker 6 to be failed.

Speaker 7 To be fair to the Trump administration, they did give it almost two months and no effort before they asked ChatGPT what it thought they should do.

Speaker 9 But for those of us who've been tricked into believing that an economic crisis is a crisis, Trump's people have an answer.

Speaker 1 Don't panic. Calm down.
Everything's going to be okay.

Speaker 76 I would not worry at all.

Speaker 85 The Dow's actually in the same place it was in August.

Speaker 105 Do me a favor, don't look at your stock portfolio.

Speaker 29 You know what?

Speaker 76 I don't really care about my 401k.

Speaker 41 Leave, laugh, love. That's what I always say.

Speaker 25 You know what I say, don't you?

Speaker 13 It's 401k somewhere.

Speaker 1 It's been one week since Donald Trump announced his bold vision for destroying the economy, and guess what? His plan is working.

Speaker 1 After another chaotic day on Wall Street, America's CEOs are sounding the alarm.

Speaker 121 Most CEOs I talk to

Speaker 116 would say we are probably in a recession right now.

Speaker 1 A new CNBC CNBC survey showing those concerns are widespread, with 69% of CEOs expecting a recession and 82% expecting resurgent inflation.

Speaker 122 This is a snapshot of the Dow since President Trump's inauguration after dropping more than 15% since its record high, putting it into correction territory.

Speaker 1 I'm not an economist, but it's probably a bad sign when the chart itself looks like it jumped off the roof.

Speaker 50 Look at that drop.

Speaker 1 Six flags is going to make a roller coaster of that.

Speaker 1 Mom, I want to ride the Dow Jones.

Speaker 3 We can't afford it.

Speaker 1 So the economy is incredibly unstable right now. The only upside is that this crash is much easier to understand than the 2008 one.

Speaker 1 Remember the big short where they had to have Margo Ravi explain it in a bathtub? Here's how that would go today.

Speaker 43 Trump did it.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Margo. Thank you.

Speaker 1 So the president may have single-handedly tipped us into a global recession.

Speaker 1 And with so much uncertainty, the world is glued to the financial news networks who are surely focusing on this story 24-7, right, Fox Business?

Speaker 123 The president welcomes the World Series champions, the Los Angeles Dodgers, to the White House.

Speaker 93 He was funny.

Speaker 123 He was entertaining.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's definitely the big story. The president made new friends today.

Speaker 1 So yes, economists economists are afraid that we're headed into a recession, but don't worry, things could still improve quickly as long as Trump de-escalates soon.

Speaker 1 President Trump escalates his trade war with more threats against China.

Speaker 94 President Trump is now promising a new 50% tariff on China on top of the other new tariffs, which are on top of existing tariffs.

Speaker 114 Combined, this would make U.S.

Speaker 94 tariffs on imports from China a whopping 104%.

Speaker 1 104% tariffs? Okay, this is getting really serious. We'll know exactly how serious once we ask China to do the math for us, but.

Speaker 1 Point is, Trump is out of control right now. I'd say he's like a bull in a china shop, but at 104%, I can't afford to say that.

Speaker 1 It's really starting to feel like the entire world is teetering on the brink of chaos. It's honestly impossible to report on literally anything else right now, right, Fox News?

Speaker 1 A woman's pool championship in the UK with no women in the final round. after two transgender players defeated their female opponents to face off for the title.

Speaker 102 No,

Speaker 1 not the British women's pool tournament. That's America's favorite pastime.

Speaker 1 Last Wednesday, Donald Trump announced that in one week he was going to impose the biggest increase in tariffs in a hundred years.

Speaker 1 And after a week of panic buying a year's supply of toilet paper and air fryers, the day has finally arrived it is 1159 and 48 seconds which means we are just moments away from the president's new tariffs it's president trump's long-awaited tariff day it's reciprocal tariff day well the tariffs are here all right it is tariff day

Speaker 13 happy tariff day everyone

Speaker 1 It's what Trump is replacing Juneteenth with.

Speaker 1 Now, Trump is celebrated by putting tariffs on every country in the world, including 104% on products made in China, which is probably fine. I mean, how many products are made in China?

Speaker 1 But Tariff Day wasn't just celebrated here in America. Other countries got in on the fun too.
Swift retaliation. Both China and the European Union are responding to President Trump's tariffs.

Speaker 1 China has announced its own retaliatory tariffs, 84% on all U.S. goods it imports.

Speaker 97 According to the European Union, almonds, orange juice, poultry, soybeans, steel and aluminum products, tobacco and yachts imported from the United States now will have a 25% levy on them.

Speaker 1 25% on yachts? Why do these trade wars always have to screw over the little guy?

Speaker 1 I'll be honest, I didn't even know America made yachts. I thought the only thing we made here was Nepo babies.

Speaker 1 But this really feels like it's spiraling out of control. It seems like the smart move is to back off this whole thing.
But Trump's team has been adamant that they will stay the course.

Speaker 37 This is not a negotiation.

Speaker 74 It's not the kind of thing you can negotiate away.

Speaker 54 I don't think there's any chance they're gonna, that President Trump's gonna back off his tariffs.

Speaker 1 The president made it clear yesterday this is not a negotiation. Trump posted this morning, my policies will never change.

Speaker 1 Well, that's it then. They're in it to win it.
Full speed ahead from the window to the walls. Skeet, skeet, skeet, mother.

Speaker 1 Trump's policy will never, ever change.

Speaker 34 This is CNN breaking news.

Speaker 88 The president announcing just minutes ago that he's now, quote, authorized a 90-day pause on some of his new tariffs.

Speaker 88 What?

Speaker 1 The trade war's over?

Speaker 1 But it's tariff day. I shaved my legs for this.

Speaker 1 Now I have to grow it all back.

Speaker 1 But hey, at least we can buy things from China again, right? I mean, Amazon Prime, here I come.

Speaker 104 Notably, though, the president is raising the tariff applied to China from the United States to 125% effective immediately.

Speaker 100 So this pause applies to other countries, not China.

Speaker 1 Hey, Siri, cancel 1,000 air fryers?

Speaker 1 Trump, I don't understand what happened here. You tanked global stock markets.
You put us on the verge of a recession.

Speaker 1 You told everyone to build factories in America because the tariffs wouldn't go away. And then you took them away.
What happened? Did you just get spooked by the markets?

Speaker 1 The 98 pause when there were some tariffs, is that because of the widthlaps that we've been seeing across the financial market?

Speaker 78 No, this was his strategy all along.

Speaker 90 Absolutely brilliant move.

Speaker 100 Brilliant, not only economically, politically, and it was good for the American worker.

Speaker 122 He's negotiator-in-chief.

Speaker 121 He's landing the plane.

Speaker 56 It's the master of the deal.

Speaker 74 I mean, you're watching the art of the deal in real time here.

Speaker 1 Many of you in the media clearly missed the art of the deal.

Speaker 1 Ah, yes, the art of the deal. Create a global crisis and then dig yourself halfway out.
It's truly masterful, Donald.

Speaker 1 I'm starting to think that the art of the deal is art in the way that Jackson Pollack is art.

Speaker 1 Like, it looks like someone just threw a bunch of shit at the wall, but now I have to pretend like it's genius and it's going to cost millions of dollars.

Speaker 1 Come at me, abstract expressionism hive. You know I'm right.

Speaker 1 Come on, Trump, just admit that you started a game of chicken and you got too scared to finish it.

Speaker 63 Well, I thought that people were

Speaker 37 jumping a little bit out of line. They were getting yippy, you know? They were getting a little bit yippy, a little bit afraid.

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 43 Okay, it's our fault.

Speaker 1 We got too scared. Sorry, I tend to get a little yippy when my retirement plan starts to look like the elevator from the shining.

Speaker 1 Straight down in heavy flow.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I don't mean to be dramatic, but this is the worst tariff day ever. This whole trade war was launched on incoherent arguments.

Speaker 1 You stuck to your guns for incoherent reasons, and now you're pulling back for incoherent reasons. Is there anything you can say that actually makes sense?

Speaker 37 No other president would have done what I did. No other president.

Speaker 1 Well, you got me there.

Speaker 82 The Biden administration launched what you've called a war on showers.

Speaker 82 Ah, yes.

Speaker 1 Yes, the war on showers, a fight Steve Bannon has been on the front lines of his whole life.

Speaker 1 Now, most people probably didn't even realize we were in a war on showers because no one in the Biden administration ever accidentally added a reporter to the war on showers group chat.

Speaker 1 But in all seriousness, I know the war on showers very well. Okay, my uncle actually lost his leg from stepping on a bath bomb.

Speaker 1 It's never been the same. But luckily, that war is now coming to an end.

Speaker 82 Certain regulations that basically killed the water pressure of showers and other

Speaker 82 water appliances. With this executive order, we're effectively going to be reversing that set of regulations.

Speaker 37 In my case, I like to take a nice shower.

Speaker 124 to take care of my beautiful hair.

Speaker 37 I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes till it gets wet.

Speaker 36 It comes out drip, drip, drip. It's ridiculous.

Speaker 1 It takes 15 minutes for your hair to get wet?

Speaker 1 Are you sure you're not standing in the pantry?

Speaker 1 The water pressure is terrible in here, and we're out of Cheez-Its.

Speaker 1 But if you're as big of a Trump head as I am, you know that water pressure is not a new issue for him. He's been passionate about this crisis for a while.

Speaker 37 Take a shower, and water comes dripping out. It's dripping out, very quietly dripping out.

Speaker 29 Sinks!

Speaker 23 Right? Showers!

Speaker 37 You take a shower, the water doesn't come out.

Speaker 111 It's the shower, it's the sink, and you know the third element in the bathroom. People have to flush their toilet 15 times.

Speaker 23 10 times, right?

Speaker 37 10 times.

Speaker 37 Turn on the shower.

Speaker 26 Ding,

Speaker 36 ding.

Speaker 37 It goes drip, drip, drip, drip.

Speaker 37 Please, come out, the water. Come on, water, come out, baby.

Speaker 13 Oh, come out, baby, please.

Speaker 1 Come out. Come out for daddy.

Speaker 1 Has he ever said anything more embarrassing?

Speaker 49 I'm going to come.

Speaker 49 Stop doing that.

Speaker 49 Stop it.

Speaker 7 Kilmar Abrego-Garcia.

Speaker 4 Undocumented migrant from El Salvador, married an American woman, has a kid, living the American dream.

Speaker 28 Until the Trump administration sent him to an El Salvadorian mega prison by, and I'm quoting the Justice Department here, if I may, is an administrative error.

Speaker 9 If only there was a convenient and timely way that the prisoner could be brought back to the United States that wouldn't really inconvenience either nation.

Speaker 1 President Bukele at the moment flying from El Salvador to Washington, D.C.

Speaker 1 Saints be praised!

Speaker 3 Bukele can just give Garcia a ride!

Speaker 12 You don't even have to give Garcia the middle seat.

Speaker 3 I'm sure Garcia would just grab the wing and tom cruise it over here if he had to.

Speaker 12 But sadly, Bukele arrived at the White House with just the Miami club promoter clothes on his back

Speaker 3 and a pocket full of excuses.

Speaker 1 Can President Bukele weigh in on this? Do you plan to return him?

Speaker 124 How can I, it's a model of terrorism to the United States. I don't have the power to return him to the United States.

Speaker 124 You know?

Speaker 24 Can I honestly tell you, like, this isn't even...

Speaker 19 The thing that's

Speaker 8 like they're f ⁇ ing enjoying this.

Speaker 2 Like, the two of them.

Speaker 30 Our president, their president, okay, I guess we'll just have to let him rot in a f ⁇ ing prison, even though he didn't deserve to be there.

Speaker 10 I don't, you guys don't care about this guy.

Speaker 12 I'm talking about these two, but somebody else cares about this person.

Speaker 61 And you just randomly with no evidence that you'll show anybody called him a terrorist.

Speaker 3 And one of the weirder parts about this is the thing, the only thing that seems to upset Trump about the entire situation is having to answer a perfectly reasonable question from Caitlin Collins about it.

Speaker 1 You said that if the Supreme Court said someone needed to be returned, that you would abide by that. You said that on Air Force One just a few days ago.
And they said that

Speaker 116 it must be facilitated.

Speaker 36 Why don't you just say, isn't it wonderful that we're keeping criminals out of our country? Why can't you just say that?

Speaker 124 Why do you go over and over?

Speaker 37 And that's why nobody watches you anymore.

Speaker 13 Nag, nag, nag.

Speaker 32 You sound just like the Supreme Court.

Speaker 40 Nag, nag!

Speaker 7 But fear not, America.

Speaker 9 For every time a lame stream media journalist gets shunned, an ass-kissy one gets its wings.

Speaker 36 Do you have a question, please?

Speaker 124 Mr. President, thank you so much.
You scored another major investment win this morning when NVIDIA pledged to build its AI supercomputer for the first time ever right here in the United States?

Speaker 36 That's a question I like.

Speaker 116 That's true.

Speaker 61 Yeah, that's not a question.

Speaker 3 I guess it's your favorite kind of question, a compliment.

Speaker 9 But rest easy, Americans, if there's one thing we all know, it's that first they come for the undocumented migrants. And as long as nobody speaks out, they stop.

Speaker 125 You mentioned that you're open to deporting individuals that aren't foreign aliens, but are criminals to El Salvador.

Speaker 125 Does that include potentially U.S. citizens, fully naturalized Americans?

Speaker 53 If it's a homegrown criminal, I have no problem.

Speaker 37 I'm talking about really bad people.

Speaker 36 Really bad people.

Speaker 28 He's going to do that to U.S. citizens.

Speaker 33 I think the hosts of the View are about to get administratively errod.

Speaker 46 I got to tell you, I did not think he would get this authoritarian this fast.

Speaker 3 I really didn't. I'm sorry.

Speaker 12 Who could have known?

Speaker 10 Maybe if somebody out there had yelled at me on Blue Sky about this, I would have known.

Speaker 18 But no one did.

Speaker 10 Except every day,

Speaker 34 in all caps.

Speaker 38 So I guess the question is, how authoritarian is we?

Speaker 7 Trump's done a lot of the standard fare.

Speaker 9 He's attacked the free press, pulled random people off the streets, made law firms and universities bend the knee, announced Department of Justice investigations into an individual whose sole crime was suggesting that the 2020 election had been safe and well administered.

Speaker 33 You know, the bad, bad people.

Speaker 8 But authoritarianism isn't just policies.

Speaker 9 It's an aesthetic. The opulence of medieval kings, the excesses of Middle Eastern autocrats.

Speaker 9 It's a Pinterest vibe that speaks to the power of one's position, the riches that are the privilege of the office. Does Trump measure up?

Speaker 10 Does he have the lack of available wall space?

Speaker 1 You have the mantle and you have the cherubs.

Speaker 42 Is that from Mar-longo?

Speaker 37 Yeah, that's actually their gold, all gold. Look,

Speaker 37 and you know, it's angels.

Speaker 55 They're angels.

Speaker 22 They visited me in the night and asked me to change my ways.

Speaker 22 So I held them down and dipped them in gold.

Speaker 38 I drowned them in gold, liquid gold.

Speaker 11 Have you ever heard an angel scream?

Speaker 14 It is just...

Speaker 38 It is erotic.

Speaker 14 By the way, if any of you are wondering if the cherubs that are now in the Oval Office are real gold, and I I know many of you are wondering that.

Speaker 28 It is real gold.

Speaker 8 And there's a very good reason for that.

Speaker 37 Throughout the years, people have tried to come up with a gold paint that would look like gold, and they've never been able to do it.

Speaker 55 Can't do it. You've never been able to...

Speaker 6 Look at that look.

Speaker 37 You've never been able to match gold with gold paint. That's why it's gold.

Speaker 28 That dude is so blue-collar.

Speaker 3 Boy, he's down at the factory with the boys.

Speaker 11 Why can't they make a gold paint that looks like gold?

Speaker 65 That's not illegal.

Speaker 33 I don't mind them canceling pediatric cancer research, but I hope by the end of the term we can come up with a good gold paint substitute because.

Speaker 4 But you know, rooms filled with real gold cherubs are nothing.

Speaker 28 If those rooms aren't also filled with the echoes of the most embarrassingly sycophantic Hosannas,

Speaker 10 one clip, everybody knows the rules.

Speaker 36 Thank you for your leadership and thank you for everything you're doing.

Speaker 1 I want to thank you for standing up to the Chinese Communist Party.

Speaker 116 I want to thank you as well for the shipbuilding.

Speaker 1 Your vision is a turning point and an inflection point in American history. Your leadership at the border is absolutely remarkable.

Speaker 109 What you're doing now, I think, is a great service to our country, but ultimately to the world.

Speaker 1 You are overwhelmingly elected by the biggest majority.

Speaker 1 You know what? I swear to God,

Speaker 30 guys, what does she know? She's the Attorney General.

Speaker 40 She doesn't have the.

Speaker 30 When I watch those cabinet meetings, I actually think, are they making fun of him?

Speaker 13 It's so over the top.

Speaker 11 Mr. President, oh, thank you so much.

Speaker 30 Your dick is so big.

Speaker 11 So, your dick is so big, we can barely lift it because

Speaker 11 it's covered in real gold, not the paint.

Speaker 42 Real gold.

Speaker 37 But you know, any

Speaker 3 Any run-of-the-mill authoritarian can get the praises from those that fear him, the OGs.

Speaker 9 The real autocrats extract something much, much weirder and humiliating: the forced, uncomfortable laughter.

Speaker 13 He had a hat on, and then he puts another hat on, the same hat, but still.

Speaker 7 That's on the North Korean website, funny or you die.

Speaker 80 And as America's dear leader, Donald Trump also has a tight five.

Speaker 35 We're pulling all that out and putting the money toward the infrastructure, not the social movement from the last administration.

Speaker 37 Good steel, right, as opposed to green paper-mâché.

Speaker 37 Thanks, great job.

Speaker 38 That made no fing sense, right? Right, yeah.

Speaker 46 Nothing, right? That didn't make any sense to you.

Speaker 13 It didn't make any sense to me. Hey, you better laugh, though, right? Oh, oh, put a hat on, put a hat on.

Speaker 31 It's just so fing weird.

Speaker 12 But the key to the authoritarian regime is the suspension of the normal processes by which you understand the world.

Speaker 3 The manner by which data and your experiences paint a cohesive, grounded picture of reality.

Speaker 113 The calling card of an authoritarian regime is that you must suspend that reality, that rationality, and then you test people by pushing the limits of that absurdity.

Speaker 99 The White House released the results of President Trump's physical exam. His doctors say President Trump exhibits excellent physical health.

Speaker 1 The report says he's six foot three, 224 pounds.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 21 I'm going to say no to either of those numbers.

Speaker 20 I don't want to be that guy, but

Speaker 3 he has a front butt.

Speaker 21 I mean, we all get there.

Speaker 21 It's fine.

Speaker 65 You can have it.

Speaker 3 But what's with... He is forged by Hephaestus.

Speaker 20 No.

Speaker 28 And by the way, that medical exam did not only confirm that Trump is physically perfect, his brain is also totally jacked.

Speaker 116 I took a cognitive test

Speaker 116 and I don't know what to tell you other than I got every answer right. Can you tell us about the cognitive test? Is that bad any person camera TV? It's a

Speaker 116 I think it's a pretty well-known test.

Speaker 116 Whatever it is, I got everyone, I got it all right.

Speaker 41 I think we all know what cognitive tests we're talking about.

Speaker 13 But I would like to know, do you know what cognitive tests are?

Speaker 5 It's just bullshitting.

Speaker 4 I took a cognitive test about my memory. What was it?

Speaker 107 It was a test.

Speaker 108 It's been five days since they told Donald Trump to help bring back Kilmar Garcia after they, you know, accidentally deported him to the mega prison in El Salvador.

Speaker 108 And it doesn't seem like anyone's in a rush to bring him back.

Speaker 1 The Trump administration says it cannot return a Maryland man mistakenly deported to El Salvador.

Speaker 1 Trump officials argue that since Obrego Garcia is locked inside a prison in El Salvador, it's essentially not their problem anymore and they can't do anything about it.

Speaker 1 But yesterday at the White House, Bukele said he didn't have the authority to release Garcia either.

Speaker 124 I don't have the power to return him to the United States.

Speaker 108 This is like every customer service call I've ever been on.

Speaker 98 Oh, I'm sorry, this is billing. You're looking for technical support.

Speaker 108 Let me transfer you.

Speaker 98 Hello, this is technical support. Oh, sorry, you need billing.
Can someone just help me cancel my fing cable?

Speaker 108 Except for Company Central, which is a vital vital service for American society. But the Trump administration isn't just enjoying their fun new constitutional loophole.
They're also going on offense.

Speaker 108 That's why Stephen Miller, Trump advisor and multiverses most whiny Lex Luthor, was also on the driveway asking questions he did not want the answer to.

Speaker 51 Can anyone here tell me what would happen to the illegal alien from El Salvador if he came back to the United States? Does anyone here know?

Speaker 66 Does anyone want to guess?

Speaker 48 Any of you? He could be with his family.

Speaker 85 Do any of you know the answer to the question?

Speaker 108 Legally, what would happen if he came back here?

Speaker 51 Does any of you know?

Speaker 50 Anything?

Speaker 48 Do you really believe that? Do you believe it right?

Speaker 48 I'm talking. Do you really believe in the correct? I bring court stuff in.
I'm talking now. Doesn't think he should be returned.
Why was it unanimous? You're done.

Speaker 118 You asked the question, man.

Speaker 98 You can't be mad that they're trying to answer you.

Speaker 108 It's like if a teacher said, okay, class, who can tell me the capital of Norway? Anyone? Anyone?

Speaker 70 Shut the f ⁇ up.

Speaker 91 Now answer the question.

Speaker 98 I said, shut up.

Speaker 108 But it's not just Stephen Miller. The entire Trump administration is getting frustrated with how these dumb libs are whining about this one guy from Maryland.

Speaker 60 Oh, it's so awful.

Speaker 108 We accidentally sent a guy to the world's worst prison without trial or due process.

Speaker 108 Shut the f ⁇ up, okay? Because according to Homeland Security, he wasn't that great.

Speaker 1 The media would love for you to believe that this is a media darling, that he's just some Maryland father.

Speaker 1 Well, Osama bin Laden was also a father, and yet he wasn't a good guy, and they actually are both terrorists.

Speaker 98 This tween influencer is right.

Speaker 108 It's the position of this administration that all fathers are basically Osama bin Laden.

Speaker 59 I mean, seriously, this guy has no criminal record at all.

Speaker 108 If he's a terrorist, he might be the worst terrorist ever. I mean, he's been in America for 14 years and hasn't done any terrorism.
So maybe Trump is right. Maybe immigrants really are lazy.
What?

Speaker 108 Like what is happening here? Okay, this is America. We don't just send someone to prison without evidence.
We plant the evidence on them. It's called due process.

Speaker 108 Other people are starting to fight back wicked hard.

Speaker 1 A showdown is now taking shape between the Trump administration and America's oldest university.

Speaker 1 The federal government announcing it will freeze more than $2 billion in grants for Harvard and $60 million in contracts after the school refused to comply with demands to limit activism on campus, eliminate its DEI programs, and make other changes.

Speaker 108 Holy shit, we finally found a force more powerful than Trump's hatred. Harvard's love of sending rejection letters.

Speaker 108 But look, I don't usually root for Harvard because they're Harvard. They've got everything.
It's like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery. But in this case, I have to give them credit.

Speaker 108 They're standing up for their principles and for everyone's right to free speech, even if it means possible financial ruin.

Speaker 126 One of the big questions going forward is Harvard going to dip into into that $50 billion plus endowment to make up for that federal shortfall.

Speaker 108 Okay, I hate them again.

Speaker 108 But the best part about Harvard's resistance to Donald Trump is that it gives people the chance to go on TV and let you know where they went to school.

Speaker 1 I myself am a first-generation college graduate. I graduated from Harvard.
I should disclose I went to Harvard, so I'm very familiar with the president and with how the community feels right now.

Speaker 1 But as a Harvard alum, and as you know I am as well.

Speaker 55 I know many alums, including people I know very closely and faculty members like me.

Speaker 92 I know you look really surprised because

Speaker 92 I'm wearing a tie you've never seen before.

Speaker 40 It has

Speaker 92 it has a little Latin word inside each one of those symbols there, the word veritas

Speaker 92 meaning truth, of course. And this is the one night, it's a one night only.
appearance of this tie.

Speaker 1 I know that that is not something that you usually billboard in the world about yourself.

Speaker 49 Oh, God, the only thing worse than people bragging about going to Harvard is people pretending to be embarrassed about going to Harvard.

Speaker 108 Sorry, oh, my darkest secret, please don't make me tell anyone.

Speaker 42 Please, no, I went to Harvard, Harvard, Harvard, Harvard.

Speaker 120 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 120 Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

Speaker 72 Paramount Podcasts.

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart Podcast.