TDS Time Machine | Happy Hanukkah

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Commercial Insurance. Business owners meet Progressive Insurance.

Speaker 1 They make it easy to get discounts on commercial auto insurance and find coverages to grow with your business. Quote in as little as eight minutes at progressivecommercial.com.

Speaker 1 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company, coverage provided and serviced by affiliated and third-party insurers. Discounts and coverage selections not available in all states or situations.

Speaker 2 This isn't just a game, it's a once-in-a-generation event. The Harlem Globetrotters 100-year tour.

Speaker 2 Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks, 100 years of show-stopping moves, and 100 years of changing the game. Bring the whole family and be part of the legacy.
This game is once in a century.

Speaker 2 Be there at Chase Center on January 18th. Go to HarlemGlobetrotters.com for your tickets to the 100-year tour.

Speaker 3 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 Now, I don't think anyone here would disagree that every year the holidays get more and more commercialized. But could the steamrolling of religion by the capitalist marketing machine have a downside?

Speaker 3 Stephen Colbert investigates.

Speaker 5 Christmas lights are twinkling, and carolers are singing, and the eggnog is flowing.

Speaker 4 And that, of course, can only mean one thing:

Speaker 5 it's Hanukkah time.

Speaker 6 I wished for a pony.

Speaker 5 But amidst all this hoopla and the Hanukkah hype, haven't we forgotten something?

Speaker 5 Haven't we forgotten what Hanukkah is really all about?

Speaker 3 Rabbi, do you have a minute?

Speaker 10 Sure, come in.

Speaker 9 Thanks.

Speaker 3 Rabbi, what's the true meaning of Hanukkah?

Speaker 12 Well, it commemorates the Jewish victory of the Maccabees over King Antiochus.

Speaker 14 Good, let's roll!

Speaker 5 Hanukkah is, of course, a commemoration of several things. But one has to wonder these days, do our children even know that stuff? Or are they just interested in their space age Hanukkah gyro toys?

Speaker 4 And the Bad King's name was... Antiochus!

Speaker 5 Okay, fair enough. But what was Antiochus' last name?

Speaker 5 It's Epiphane. What did Antiochus hope to achieve with the control of...

Speaker 5 it was worse than I had feared. But who had ruined this most sacred of holidays? Perhaps some of the responsibility lies with the cold, indifferent merchandising machine.

Speaker 5 Doesn't it kind of break your heart when you see a house all decked out in the Hanukkah glitz? You know, the giant flashing menorah on the lawn and the life-size flying potato pancakes on the roof?

Speaker 15 Not at all.

Speaker 5 One last question.

Speaker 5 Why are all Mizuza sales final?

Speaker 6 Because it'll be on the parchment, because all.

Speaker 5 Turns out, I don't really care. I was too worried about saving Hanukkah.
Could there still be hope for this highest of high holy holidays?

Speaker 12 I have to tell you, this is not the highest of holidays.

Speaker 8 Okay, it is.

Speaker 12 So let's just move from there. Well, I would have to contradict you.

Speaker 5 Well, I wish you wouldn't.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing.

Speaker 5 Name one that's more important.

Speaker 12 How about Passover?

Speaker 5 Okay, I'll give you Passover, but name two.

Speaker 15 Roshashana?

Speaker 5 Okay, now you're just making words up.

Speaker 5 Was there anyone out there who was keeping the true spirit of the season alive? Just when all seemed hopeless, I was taught a very special Hanukkah lesson by this young orphan.

Speaker 5 Have you gotten caught up in this whole commercialism thing? How many Hanukkah presents have you bought this year?

Speaker 16 I don't know how bad enough.

Speaker 5 That's so refreshing to hear. God bless you, guy whose name I didn't catch.

Speaker 8 God bless you.

Speaker 3 Keephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 3 thank you so much. Really, in these commercialized times, it really is a heartwarming and hopeful report.
Thank you.

Speaker 5 Well, John, Hanukkah is a beautiful festival of light.

Speaker 5 Although I was surprised to learn in the course of my investigation that Hanukkah is, in fact, a minor holiday that doesn't even appear in the Hebrew Bible and is of dubious historical significance.

Speaker 3 Well, it is for Jewish people still an important celebration.

Speaker 9 Oh, no, no, no, of course, of course.

Speaker 5 You should all be very proud of Hanukkah. I mean, it's still bigger than Kwanzaa.

Speaker 5 I mean, for now.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Stephen. Stephen Callback.

Speaker 15 como darte un gustaso por tam poco. Los extra value meals están de regreso.

Speaker 8 Gana por la mañana con el extra value meal, sausage, mc, muffin with egg, hash browns, yun cafe aliente pequeño poros $7.

Speaker 8 Bara ba ba ba. Preses y participación pueden varía.
Los preces de la promión pueden serminores que los de las comidas.

Speaker 3 Folks, to commemorate the Jewish holiday that is occurring right now, we want to present to you a very special holiday edition of Operation Enduring Coverage.

Speaker 3 Folks, traditionally, nothing says America quite like Christmas at the White House, and nothing says awkwardness quite like Hanukkah at the White House, where President Bush lit the menorah last night with a little help from eight-year-old Talia Lefkowitz.

Speaker 3 After hearing Talia sing, the White House presented the girl with a very special Hanukkah present, a letter from John Ashcroft inviting her to report to federal agents for questionnaire.

Speaker 18 Could be Hebrew, could be Pashtun, you don't know, get her in.

Speaker 3 First Lady Laura Bush was, of course, on hand to supervise the occasion. And as usual, her poker face left many wondering just what she was thinking as she looked on.

Speaker 3 I got that in my head, too. Now look,

Speaker 3 The ceremony also featured a special White House menorah chosen after a protocol officer Nix, the earlier design by Vice President Cheney.

Speaker 3 President Bush used the occasion of the holiday to launch some pointed words at Osama bin Laden.

Speaker 19 I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.

Speaker 3 Bush added, in fact, I'd have to say I think he's a bit of an anti-Semite.

Speaker 3 Come on.

Speaker 3 Senior White House correspondent Stephen Colbert is live in our Washington Bureau. We're going to take you out to him now.

Speaker 5 Stephen.

Speaker 3 There's a lot going on in the nation's capital, a lot of celebration. The president wants everybody to feel that it's business as usual for all Americans.
What's the mood like down there right now?

Speaker 5 Well, John, the menorah is shedding a light whose sweetness is matched only by that of the chocolate gelt being distributed to child and senator alike. John, it's Hanukkah time at the White House.

Speaker 5 And hark! If you listen closely, you can hear the gentle sound of the spinning

Speaker 5 dreidel tumbling to rest, revealing the fortunes of the gaily giggling little ones.

Speaker 5 Smells like Laura's hard at work at her famous Lutka's, or Strom Thurmond's around.

Speaker 3 Are they really into the holiday? Because I thought the Bush's Hanukkah celebration was really just designed to demonstrate a sense of religious inclusion, much like the Ramadan dinner they had.

Speaker 5 Oh, no, John. Well, Ramadan, yes.
But the Bushes have always been one Hamisha Meshpuchah. Even as far back as the campaign, I remember schmoozing with them in their sukkah at the Bush Family Ranch.

Speaker 5 The big machr himself was there with Laura and the girls and

Speaker 5 I have to interrupt Stephen because that's what the ellipses means.

Speaker 3 Although it brings a smile to my puppock.

Speaker 3 Are you telling me that the Bush girls actually came home from college for the Jewish holiday of sukkot?

Speaker 5 They did, John. But they didn't stay long.
They found a bottle of Menishevitz and that's the last we saw of them.

Speaker 5 So wild they are. Why can't they settle down? Always with the running around.
It's a Shonda, John. They should find some nice boys.
I have a cousin, just their age, in dermatology school. Handsome?

Speaker 14 You wouldn't believe.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 3 Well, this certainly has been insightful, Stephen.

Speaker 3 Stay down there in Washington and enjoy the rest of Hanukkah.

Speaker 5 No, John, I told you. Hanukkah was last night.

Speaker 3 Stephen, there are eight nights of Hanukkah.

Speaker 5 Eight nights?

Speaker 5 You squeeze eight nights out of a candle lighting?

Speaker 14 Good luck.

Speaker 5 That's a lot of latkes.

Speaker 9 Bach to you.

Speaker 3 Thank you very much, Steven.

Speaker 20 Verbo helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time. Go to Verbo now and book a last-minute week-long stay and save over $390 this holiday season.
Book your next vacation rental home on Verbo.

Speaker 20 Average savings, $396. Select homes only.

Speaker 21 This holiday season, Comfort is sharing cozy mornings with the people you love.

Speaker 21 Avocado products transform your home into a peaceful, grounding retreat made with certified organic and sustainably sourced materials.

Speaker 21 From breathable bedding to handcrafted mattresses, avocado is all about true comfort, so you can rest, recharge, and wake up refreshed all season long.

Speaker 21 Every product is thoughtfully made with the planet in mind so you can feel good about the comfort and quality you bring into your home. Prioritize rest and recharge with avocado's organic comfort.

Speaker 21 Head to avocadogreenmattress.com today to create your natural oasis and save big during their holiday sale. Avocado, dream of better.

Speaker 13 When a news story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.

Speaker 22 It's just a couple of more weeks until Christmas when Christians celebrate the birth of Santa. Meanwhile, us Jews are celebrating a real miracle, some lamp oil that lasted longer than we thought.

Speaker 22 Because if there's one thing we Jews love, it's a bargain.

Speaker 22 But for some reason, Christians are now trying to include us in their holiday season, and it's not making any sense.

Speaker 23 Hallmark Christmas movies movies have been a staple for the channel for years. Now they're debuting to Hallmark Hanukkah movies.

Speaker 6 As the Washington Post reports, there's just one problem.

Speaker 13 Neither movie is a Hanukkah movie. They're Christmas movies with Jewish characters.
Joel.

Speaker 13 In holiday date, a woman hires a Jewish actor to pose as her boyfriend and join her at her family's house for Christmas. But the family grows suspicious about whether he knows how to celebrate.

Speaker 22 Oh, you're not sure if Jews know how to celebrate Christmas? You mean that holiday that gets jammed down our throat every year?

Speaker 22 The second Halloween ends, I can't even buy a cup of coffee that doesn't look like it fell out of Santa's ass.

Speaker 22 Trust me, Jews know how Christmas works. It's not like we're going to walk into your Christmas party and say, oh my God,

Speaker 22 it's a tree.

Speaker 22 Indoors. Call a lumberjack.

Speaker 22 I don't want a holiday movie where a Jewish person learns about Christmas. I want a movie where a Christian has to learn about Hanukkah.
On night one, we get socks. On night two, a notebook.

Speaker 22 A night three, a pen and pencil set. It's a back-to-school holiday.

Speaker 22 But if you thought a fake Hanukkah movie was tone death, put this in your stocking and stuff it.

Speaker 24 Online retail giant Amazon just pulled several controversial Christmas items from its website.

Speaker 24 The items, including Christmas ornaments, bottle openers, and mouse pads, depict the Auschwitz concentration camp.

Speaker 24 Amazon says all of the products in question have been removed, adding that all sellers must follow our selling guidelines.

Speaker 22 An Auschwitz Christmas ornament?

Speaker 22 Look, I know we say to never forget, but when you're decorating a tree, you can take the night off.

Speaker 22 This is crazy. Christmas has nothing to do with the Holocaust.
Santa's list and Schindler's list are very different lists.

Speaker 22 But if you have to think of the Jews at Christmas, why not get them a little something to show you care? Like this guy.

Speaker 23 Well, last week we told you about a controversial auction of Nazi memorabilia in Germany and new this morning a Swiss businessman purchased many of the items, including Adolf Hitler's top hat.

Speaker 23 He said in order to keep them out of the hands of neo-Nazis, Abdullah Chatila said he will donate the items to a Jewish group. He said he paid more than $600,000 at the Munich auction last week.

Speaker 22 I appreciate the gesture, but who cares if a neo-Nazi gets their hands on Hitler's top hat? It's not like the hat will magically turn them into a super Nazi.

Speaker 22 All you get is a skinhead who looks like Mr. Peanut.

Speaker 22 And giving Hitler's hat to a Jewish group isn't going to do anything. They're just going to take turns shitting in it.

Speaker 22 Although, come to think of it, that sounds like a pretty good Hanukkah to me.

Speaker 22 We thought Hitler's hat could only hold one turd, but it held eight. What a mitzvah.

Speaker 22 And by the way, are we sure this is real? We've all seen pictures of Hitler, and he's never wearing a top hat. Personally, I think this was just a scam to get people to buy fake Hitler stuff.

Speaker 22 And that's the kind of scam I want to get in on. So, hey, Neo-Nazis, perhaps I could interest you in Hitler's ninja.

Speaker 22 That's right. That wasn't a mustache on Adolf's lip.
That was residue from a delicious kale smoothie. Act now, and I'll even throw in Mussolini's fidget spinner.
Trevor? Lewis Black, everyone.

Speaker 2 This isn't just a game, it's a once-in-a-generation event. The Harlem Globetrotters 100-year tour.

Speaker 2 Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks, 100 years of show-stopping moves, and 100 years of changing the game. Bring the whole family and be part of the legacy.
This game is once in a century.

Speaker 2 Be there at Chase Center on January 18th. Go to HarlemGlobetrotters.com for your tickets to the 100-year tour.

Speaker 3 Did you know that not all Americans celebrate Christmas?

Speaker 3 It's true. Many American Jews celebrate a completely different holiday called How Come We Don't Get to Celebrate Christmas?

Speaker 3 I kid.

Speaker 3 It's actually called the Republican Jewish Coalition Forum. It's celebrated every four years.

Speaker 3 For this holiday, Jews commemorate the miracle of incredibly religious Christian presidential candidates fighting over who loves Jews more.

Speaker 3 And lo, God provided the Hebrews two good-looking Mormons, though they had prayed for but one.

Speaker 17 Well,

Speaker 3 to be honest, none. They wanted Giuliani, but that's not going to happen.

Speaker 3 So who will win the Tuchis kiss off?

Speaker 16 Karen and I have been to Israel. We bought one of those

Speaker 13 tiles that said, Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.

Speaker 16 And we have that on our kitchen right above our sanctuary.

Speaker 9 Ah!

Speaker 3 So Santorum opens with

Speaker 3 i have one of your tchotchkas

Speaker 3 and i was also thinking about buying one of them glass birds that looks like they're drinking maybe has a little tiny hat top hat that says israel but you know wouldn't fit in the luggage can anyone top santorum i feel as cheryl shared with you a very special connection to israel when i first visited the holy land

Speaker 7 repeatedly been to the western wall

Speaker 7 that most sacred symbol of where jewish pilgrims gather to pray today.

Speaker 3 Nice.

Speaker 3 Anybody can grab a souvenir tile at the duty-free at the airport.

Speaker 2 You went to a ruin.

Speaker 3 That's going to be tough to beat.

Speaker 25 The day after I graduated from high school, I left and I took a plane and I went to work on a kibbutz.

Speaker 14 Holy shiko, we have a winner!

Speaker 9 Oh my gosh!

Speaker 3 She worked! She worked on a kibbutz!

Speaker 3 Michelle Bachman loves Israel so much she was willing to join a socialist collective.

Speaker 9 Wow!

Speaker 3 So you love Israel. But what would you as president do for Israel?

Speaker 7 Strategic aid in all forms under a Perry administration will increase to Israel.

Speaker 16 The United States will stop Iran from getting a nuclear weapon, period.

Speaker 6 Iran's Ayatollah will not be permitted to obtain nuclear weapons.

Speaker 25 The United States will move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

Speaker 3 I will get on a plane on my first day as president to Jerusalem and put a Palestinian in a headlock.

Speaker 3 I will give them a wedgie.

Speaker 15 Nurple Torple.

Speaker 15 Bachman is killing it.

Speaker 3 Let's check in on how she's doing on the Yamakometer.

Speaker 9 Oh, Seven. Oh, she's doing

Speaker 9 a superstar of David.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 3 All she really needs to do now is stick the landing at the end of her speech. Hit it.

Speaker 25 Shalom alacha.

Speaker 3 All right, though, good for you. Nice to throw down a little of the Hebrew at a Jewish forum.
That was nice. That takes a lot of.

Speaker 24 He has a lot of chutzpah.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, that's what I

Speaker 3 was going to say, chutzpah.

Speaker 3 I was going to say Cahones, but okay.

Speaker 3 In the end, the big winner at the forum was one Newt Gingrich, who received state of the union-esque applause, standing ovations, and the kind of laughter that Jackie Mason would kill for and has.

Speaker 10 I will, in the acceptance speech, challenge the president to seven three-hour debates. I will concede in advance that he can use a teleprompter.

Speaker 3 Did you hear that?

Speaker 3 We did not add the lady going, yeah!

Speaker 3 That's how funny Jews think teleprompter jokes are.

Speaker 3 Could Mitt Romney, Newt's main rival, match him?

Speaker 3 He got applause.

Speaker 3 He actually, too, got a standing ovation at the end of his speech.

Speaker 3 Things are looking good for Mitt.

Speaker 6 Remember the George Costanza line. When they're laughing and applauding, you sit down.

Speaker 3 Oh, misquoting Seinfeld in front of a a Jewish audience.

Speaker 18 That's going to cost you.

Speaker 3 See, first of all, it's not a George Costanza line, it's Jerry's line.

Speaker 4 Showmanship, George, when you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.

Speaker 3 And you got the line wrong. It'd be like standing up there going, like the fascist soup vendor used to say, I'm afraid that I am out of delicious soup.

Speaker 9 You Berg.

Speaker 3 How does that affect Romney's rank on the gamutometer?

Speaker 3 Oh, he's that real mention. Oh, he's down.

Speaker 26 Oh, I have no candidate!

Speaker 18 I have no candidate.

Speaker 3 Interestingly, the one candidate absent from the debate was Ron Paul. He's doing very well in the polls.

Speaker 3 But according to RJC Executive Director Matt Brooks, Paul was left out because the Republican Jewish Council rejects his misguided and extreme views on Israel. Oh, wow, misguided and extreme.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. Has he suggested Israel has no right to exist or that it be exchanged for Rhode Island and a state to be named later?

Speaker 14 Congressman Paul, would you cut aid to Israel?

Speaker 3 I would cut all foreign aid.

Speaker 16 I would treat everybody equally and fairly.

Speaker 3 Good call, not inviting any presidential candidates to your forum who might disagree with you. Wouldn't want to turn it into a debate.

Speaker 3 You know, if there's one thing Jews can't stand, it's arguing.

Speaker 26 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 26 Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 18 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Speaker 11 Time is precious, and so are our pets.

Speaker 27 So time with our pets is extra precious.

Speaker 11 That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets.

Speaker 11 You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free.

Speaker 11 With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.

Speaker 28 Go to Dutch.com to get vet care that is always there for just $92 a year.

Speaker 27 Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious.

Speaker 11 That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets.

Speaker 11 You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free.

Speaker 11 With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.

Speaker 28 Go to Dutch.com to get vet care that is always there for just $92 a year.