Trump Goes “Captain Phillips” on Venezuelan Tanker & MAGA Purges "Woke" Fonts | Lonnie Thompson

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From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's only source for news.
This is The Daily Show with your host, Michael Costa.

Oh, baby, we got a good one.

Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Michael Costa.
We've got so much to talk about tonight. Everyone on Santa's naughty list throws their own Christmas party.

Trump tells Venezuela, look at me, I'm the captain now. And which fonts are the gayest? We investigate.
So let's get into the headlines.

Let's start with an update on America's escalating conflict with Venezuela.

While it may seem to have come out of nowhere, it dates all the way back to the Mesozoic era when oil formed under the Earth's surface, which Venezuela then greedily parked on top of.

And now this conflict's heating up. We turn to that major escalation off the coast of Venezuela.
American forces seizing an oil tanker seen in this dramatic video here.

The Department of Homeland Security shared the footage, said to the song, Mama Said Knock You Out. I'm gonna knock you out.

Mama said knocked you out.

I'm gonna knock you out.

Mama said knocked you out.

Oh my god, does everything have to be content these days?

Can't we just take other countries' oil for the love of the game?

I will say I am so glad that we didn't have social media during World War II. Imagine if you saw a video of your grandpa storming the beaches of Normandy while wet ass

by Cardi B plays.

When Donald Trump delivered the news that America captained Phillips to this oil tanker, you can see the moment when he thought for a second about not being Donald Trump, but then he decided to be Donald Trump.

As you probably know, we've just seized a tanker on the coast of Venezuela. Large tanker, very large.

Largest one ever seized, actually.

Largest tanker ever seized, actually.

How big was the oil tanker you seized, Abraham Lincoln?

Tall little ass bitch.

Trump really will find a way to brag about anything. I seized the largest oil tanker.
I had the best MRI. I had the perfect phone call.
I'm best friends with the world's greatest pedophile. You know,

you know why you keep winning, Donald Trump? You're the only one in the competition.

That's why that creepy ass hand orgy trophy is all yours, dude. No one else wants it.

No one is quite sure why Trump is going after Venezuela so hard.

But the fact is, Venezuela is being threatened, which is why yesterday their president, Nicolas Maduro, came out in what I assume is his most threatening war hat to deliver a response.

And look, I know that looks unserious, but this is a president addressing his own country on the brink of war. Let's see how he responds.
Don't worry,

be happy.

La la la la la la la la la la.

Don't worry,

be happy.

You know how there's always that one guy, a karaoke, who thinks he nailed it?

This guy is about to be overthrown. How is he so chill? Maybe they do have the best drugs, huh?

So it seems like war with Venezuela is inevitable, even though Venezuelans don't want it, Americans don't want it, and Donald Trump still isn't quite sure if Venezuela is a country or his cleaning lady.

Not to mention nobody,

not to mention

nobody has the energy to start calling Arepas Liberty cornmeal cakes or something.

And if you're wondering why the Secretary of State, Marco Rubio, isn't trying to find a diplomatic solution, it's because he has more important things on his plate right now.

Secretary Rubio tells the State Department, get with the Times, no more woke fonts. Yeah!

Yeah!

No more woke fonts. Wait, what the f is a woke font?

Was it a font offended by the Sydney Sweetie Jeans ad?

Help me out here, Rubio. What makes it woke? The State Department is ditching Calibri after a new order from Secretary of State Marco Rubio.
Documents are now switching back to Times New Roman.

In 2023, the Biden administration had the department begin using Calibri, which saying it's easier for visually impaired people to read.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Calibri is woke because it's easier for visually impaired people to read?

Who wouldn't want to help the visually impaired? I almost helped a blind guy cross the street once. It's very brave of me.

But apparently for MAGA, the definition of woke has been so stretched that at this point it means helping other people at all, even if it doesn't hurt anyone else.

That means if Calibri was woke, then ramps are woke.

Braille is woke. Those chairs that lower old people into the hotel pool are woke.

How else are they going to secretly finger blast each other under the water?

That's not the world I want to grow old in.

This is such a pathetic attempt to start a culture war. There's no way conservative media is going to run with it, right? Right?

Right?

Secretary Rubio trashing the Biden-era change to Calibri, a softer, wider font.

Rubio says, and I quote, switching to Calibri achieved nothing except the degradation of the department's official correspondence. Boom!

The superior font is back.

Boom!

Boom!

Boom! You didn't see that, did you?

No, because it wasn't written in Calibri, you soft-ass blonde bitches.

I almost feel bad for conservative media. It's like they're suffering from an outrage shortage under Trump.
Merry Christmas is back. We can say the R word again.
Let's see, are there any gay fonts?

And of course, Newsmax had to make this whole idea of a font called Calibri sound suspiciously ethnic. He's ordering every U.S.
diplomat worldwide to stop immediately

using that

Calibri? Calibri?

Calibre Akbar?

Cala Calabam Dani.

Whatever happened to good old American font names like Kyle or Chad?

Look,

let's not forget about the real victim in all this. Of course, I'm talking about the man who designed the Calibri font.

And before I show you who that is, just take a moment to picture in your mind what this professional font designer might look like.

Because you're correct.

Joining me now, Luke DeGroote, the designer who created the Collegiate font. Really appreciate you joining us today.

I mean,

has anyone in history ever been more font designer than this guy?

He only had two options in his life, this or killing James Bond.

He looks like a guy who I would listen to while stroking my chin, and then when he walked away, I'd go, I have no fing clue what that guy's talking about.

But just look at this blackboard. I mean, this guy's got game.
He's got a candle thing, what looks like a new G. And then look at the bottom right here.
Look at that ghost made out of train tracks.

Did he just, is this like a new letter?

You can see why this man makes the medium bucks, huh?

Honestly, I'm just glad this kid who went to middle school and drew the cool S all the time was allowed to make a career out of it.

Anyways, let's hear what Sprockett's here has to say.

I assume it's something along the lines of all fonts are beautiful and we shouldn't be pitting them against each other. I would rather say that Times New Roman is not a professional font.

The distances between the letters are very irregular. It's way too spindly.
It's too thin. The setups are too thin.
The sharp details are hurting the eyes and not very very pleasing to read. Whoa,

shit!

Shit!

Damn!

What?

We got ourselves a font beef!

This is like Tupac and Biggie, but for nerds.

I hope Times New Roman comes back hard. Yo, mama's so fast, she only types in aerial bold.
Oh!

Boom! For more on the culture war over fonts, let's go live to Washington with Ronnie Chang.

This is big, Ronnie.

Thank you. Ronnie,

isn't it silly to say a font is DEI?

Oh, I'm sorry, Costa. Are you speaking in comic sense right now?

Because you sound like a fing joke.

Look, Americans voted for change. And by change, they meant fonts.
Okay?

Trump officials know that fonts are how the woke mind virus sneaks into your eyes and they're doing something about it Ronnie no one cares about fonts and for what it's worth Calibri is just easier to read

okay Calibri is just easier to read it's it's less harsh on my better cut retinas well hey maybe stop skipping eye day at the gym bro

So you're telling me if I don't want to be woke, I've used Times New Roman? No, that's even more woke. Even the name, Times New Roman,

as in I'm just roaming the bathhouses for gay sex.

I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that's not what it's short for, but fine.
Okay, which fonts are not woke?

Look, not a lot, okay?

It's basically just the Metallica fonts and maybe the Goosebumps font.

But that's why the Trump administration's hard at work designing brand new fonts here at the MAGA font laboratory.

The MAGA font laboratory? Yeah, yeah, it used to be a research facility to combat childhood diabetes, but

RFK Jr. gave all the fat kids raw milk and sent them home.
So

now

they're using this facility for actual good, okay?

Like creating the most alpha unvocated typefaces you've ever seen. Check this one out, Costa.
It's the America Rules font.

Do you see this?

It's pretty much the Sopranos font, but even more letters are guns.

And guns are cool. Therefore, this font is cool.
You scared, Costa? No,

no, it's just hard to read, though. Yeah, that's the point.
They want things to be harder to read. Okay, reading is how liberals indoctrinate children.

Remember that book, Curious George?

What's he so curious about, Costa?

Islam?

I don't want to know.

Which is why we got another font that's even harder to read. And we're calling it MAGA Warrior.
Okay?

Every capital letter is a Confederate monument.

Except the W's, which are boobs.

Now imagine getting an official memo with that, Costa.

You probably shit your pants. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, this is insane.
These are all offensive, and they're just offensive for the sake of being offensive.

Why does this administration always have to act like such aggro-bros? Because America needs to project strength. Like with this font called F you, Bro,

all the letters are just middle fingers, okay?

You see how much better it makes this Maya Angelou poem? No, okay.

This isn't even writing anymore. Why can't you guys just settle on a plain neutral font like Courier? Oh, Courier? As in, send a Courier to the bathhouse to pick up some Lizzo posters?

No, thanks, Costa. You see what these fonts represent?

Oh.

Oh, oh, no. Oh, no,

I'm being told one of the experimental fonts got out.

And this one's just a gorilla with a rocket launcher. Okay, so I gotta get out of here.
Well, just follow the exit signs, Ronnie. I can't.
All the signs are just middle fingers.

I mean,

it's so cool, but where'd I go? Where'd I go? Where'd I go? Where'd I go?

He'll be all right. Ronnie Chang, everyone.
When we come back, we get a sneak peek at the best Christmas movie you'll see this year. Don't go away.
Ronnie.

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Welcome back to the Dana Show. Well,

it happened again. I wasn't invited to the Obama's Christmas party, but it's fine.
I'm used to it by now. But there is one Christmas party this year that I would have loved to attend.

George Santos hosted his inaugural Christmas party on Tuesday night. I'm very excited to be celebrating with close friends, supporters, and all people who really stuck by me.

The guest list included convicted socialite Anna Delvey and disgraced pharma exec Martin Shkrelli. Wow!

George Santos, Anna Delvey, and Martin Shkrelli at the same party?

It was very exclusive. The password to get in was your social security number and your mom's maiden name.

I'm just confused though. George Santos threw a Christmas party? I'm starting to think this guy's lying about being Jewish.

But the only thing I enjoy more than Christmas parties are Christmas movies, especially ones that I star in.

And even though this year the Christmas spirit might be dulled by our political divisions, one holiday movie shows that there's still a way to bring people together.

Roll it.

This holiday season, she ran an anonymous resistance account with a million followers. Looks like Taco Trump just folded like a cheap Gordida.
He was her anonymous MAGA arch rival. At XMISMODEFINT.

That's Daddy Trump to you, and he will will spank America great again. Their online war was raging.

Until one December, they met IRL. Oh, I was

sorry.

Do you want to do Christmas stuff?

Now they'll get deceived. Hey at Reindeer Turd 3.
You're dumber than that worm in RFK's brain. Yo, Xmas Mom Defiant.
If we ever meet, I'll spit in your face. That's sometimes the one one you hate.

I will piss on your vaccination. BTW, your mom gives more free rides than a mom gives you a trip.
Santa Trump dropping shit on you from his sleigh. Cry more, bitch.
Just might be the one.

He's fun. He's handsome.
I really think this is it.

Is this too much of Clinton's f ⁇ on Trump's face? I like it.

She's fun. She gets me.
Grok, do you think she's the one? I am Mecca Hitler. The globalist Jews are conspiring to take over the world.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they're going to find out. Oh, jeez.

If love trumps hate. Wait, you're reindeer turd three? You're X-Mas mom defiant? You called me Elon's throat goat.
You had me swatted. You got me fired from my teaching job.
Oh, cry more, bitch.

I guess you don't care about facts or my feelings.

Nobody's perfect. Except Pete Butichech.
Sometimes all love needs is a Christmas miracle.

The Democrats caved again.

Democrats caved again.

Chuck Schumer is

pathetic.

Wait.

We agree. This holiday season.

I didn't know you hated Chuck Schumer. Everyone hates Chuck Schumer.
I know why. It's because he's jewelry.
Not now, Grog. Oh, trolley night.

Woo! Huh?

When we come back, Lottie Toms will be joining you on the show. Don't go away.

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Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is a paleoclimatologist whose pioneering research collecting ice cores to study climate change is featured in the documentary Canary.

Please welcome Lonnie Thompson.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming and thank you for all the work you've done. Thank you for

Man, that doesn't seem easy what you've been doing your whole professional career. You've been studying ice cores in the tropical regions glaciers.
That's right. Is that right? That's you got it.

What is an ice core? Look, Lonnie, I know.

They don't know.

What's an ice core? An ice core is a cylinder of ice.

They're about four inches in diameter. Yep.
And we drill them, we use a drill just like you would drilling for oil.

You go down, you bring up a cord, and you you can drill 100 and 200 feet, or you can drill three miles in Antarctica, where we have lots of ice. So what does that cylinder tell you?

Ice is amazing. I can say that.

I've spent my life studying this stuff.

Ice tells us not just climate, things like temperature from the isotopes and the ice and precipitation by the annual layer thickness, but also tells us volcanic eruptions, things that can change climate.

We can look at changes in the output of the sun through cosmogenic nuclides. Meaning in those years.

So you can go all the way down to this glacier and know what it was like a thousand years ago.

We have records from Antarctica that go back over 800,000. Get the f ⁇ out of here.

What did you guys do to your job today, huh?

Fill out a little Microsoft Excel sheet?

So we know the the temperature. We know if it rained that year.
And we also know the composition of the atmosphere and the bubbles trapped in the ice. Wow.

So we can look at CO2 and methane, those things we're concerned about today.

What's the natural? And where are we today? Right, I was going to say, so knowing that history then allows us to analyze where we are today. That is the purpose.
And we'll get to that in a second.

And the movie's called Canary, and it is a beautiful documentary of your life's work.

And if this even intrigues you at all what he's saying check out the film it's available actually for free now on YouTube for a few weeks which they're doing for us and for our audience to watch it with your family over the holidays

you can't just fly 20,000 feet to a glacier with a six-ton drill Am I right? You are. Absolutely.
So how do you get all this stuff up there?

Well, first of all, you have to have lots of good people to work with.

Can't do it alone.

So this is a team effort.

And you have to have lightweight equipment. And we're very fortunate to live in this age where you have Kevlar cable and you have Teflon and you have all of these things that allow us to do these.

So it has to be lightweight, portable, but you still, in total, weighs six tons. And you got to get it up there and assemble it.
So yeah, a great team effort.

I mean, you were, yeah, this is you carrying

tools up there. At one point, you were, oh, we'll take a helicopter.
The helicopter pilot's like, f ⁇ you, I'm not doing that. This is exactly what happened.

Seriously.

And one of the things I loved about this story

was you kept being faced with more no's, with more, you can't do that, the helicopter won't take you, and you just kept figuring out a way to do it. Not only that, you had a heart transplant.

I mean, you still hold the record for the highest elevation that a person's been at with a heart transplant at 20,000 feet, 22,000 feet, 22,000 feet. I mean,

you went.

Yeah, meanwhile, this doctor's like, hey, can you not claim, you know. Meanwhile, you went on six more expeditions with this heart.
Nine now. Nine now.

I don't mean to be crude, but

it feels like you were willing to die for this work.

No.

I wouldn't say that.

I'm very fortunate that I am 77 years old, but my heart is 34. That's great.
Yeah.

I mean, we live in an amazing time in human history. Right.
This is possible. Yeah.
Yeah.

Let's talk about where you're from. You're from West Virginia.
Yeah. Coal country.
Absolutely. You said you had teachers tell you growing up, don't dream too big because you probably won't get there.

And here you are right now. And did that motivate you? What do you have to say to kids that are hearing similar things where they're from?

It's very important to listen to advice, but at the end of the day, you've got to look at yourself. Find out where your limits are.
We all have limits. Right.
But we have to find those.

And so for them, you know, if you've got a dream, go after it. If you have a passion, go after it.
Yeah. Because you can change the world.
Yeah.

Well, let's talk about that because you're very open in the movie about

you collected all this data around the world.

It's very clear. Right?

I mean,

the more greenhouse gas we emit, the more glaciers recede and melt. Absolutely.
And you released all this and data, went to Congress, and

where are we at? Well,

we have made, sometimes I go back and forth on where we're at,

but we have made progress.

It is much better today. No one denies climate change because it's in your face.

It's happening everywhere.

And I found in drilling in 16 different countries around the world, far more good people on this planet wanting to do the right thing, trying to do the right thing.

And if we all, those good people, do the right thing, we change the world. Right.

And it's hard to measure awareness, but the fact that climate change is even in the vernacular in our vernacular, we're not doing enough, we're not fixing the problem.

Can you get frustrated by that? I mean, here you are lugging a six-ton drill on the top of a glacier. to get information to help fix and solve climate change, and yet we haven't fixed it.

We haven't fixed fixed it, and I have to give my daughter credit for Canary,

because she told me a decade ago, she said, Dad, one more ice score, you're not going to change the world. You're going to have to reach thousands to millions of people.

And I want to give credit to Danny O'Malley and Alex Rivest,

Adam Smith, producers of the film. I don't think we could have found better producers to tell the story.
Well, and I love that these film producers are picking scientists to showcase, right?

I mean why not make science and environmentalists heroes of stories? And I think it's amazing that they've done that. And so go ahead.

Yeah, I would say that

telling the true story of scientists and getting the truth out is a way to inspire the next generation of young people. Yeah.

It's also interesting that your daughter, younger generation, was basically saying, hey, you got to get on TikTok, Dad.

But your daughter

your daughter did say this, which I loved.

The change won't happen with one person, but it also can't happen without one person.

It can't happen without you, it can't happen without me, it can't happen without every country. That's what it takes, understanding that you do matter, every person matters.
Can we globally do this?

Yes, absolutely.

I take

a lot of

solace in the fact that our research teams are made up of Russians, Chinese, Americans, South Americans, Tibetans, and we can go to 22,000 feet and we can work together to accomplish a mission.

And so for climate change, we don't have to have the same cultures, the same religions, the same belief systems. We just have to tackle a common problem.

And I believe we will. I mean,

we did get ourselves here.

Right? Humans. We made it.
We did it. We did it.
So we might be able to fix it. We should be able to fix it.

Is that naive of me? Maybe a little bit. No.
No. No.

Let's talk more about ice.

Why is ice so cool? Like, I don't know. Why? I mean,

I see these ice cores and I go, I don't understand how you can really tell the temperature 750 years ago.

First of all, in the upper parts of these cores, they're annually dated. They're like a tree.
You get winter snow, isotopes depleted, summer snow, they're enriched.

Like a tree, you count back in time. If you're in the tropics, you have a wet season, dry season, dry season, there's a dust layer.
Count those. You can go back through

our history. We can go back through previous cultures like the Tiwanaku, the Waris.

We had no written language, but the ice was recording every year through their rise and their fall. That's beautiful.
And it might be your wife in the film says, and your wife is,

your wife is someone you work with as well, right? Absolutely. Yeah.
And she said, it might have been her, but someone said that you wanted to tell the glacier story.

I wanted to let the glaciers tell their story. That's what I meant.
Yeah.

The glaciers tell their story, yes. The beauty of ice and glaciers is, to me, they're my truth, Sarah.
Okay. They have no political agenda.
No lobbyists are going to get to them.

No special interest groups.

They're just summing up temperature, precipitation, cloudiness, radiation, and reacting. And in today's world, they're all retreating because the world is getting warmer.
It's a very clear story.

And of course, ice melts when it gets warm

and disappears. And where does the water go? Into the oceans.

And therefore, sea level is rising around the world.

That and thermal expansion of the ocean because the oceans are getting warmer.

Right, so that's, and maybe that's clear to someone like you, but maybe for a dumb TV host like me, when the glaciers melt,

other really bad shit happens around the world. Right? Absolutely.

This isn't just if you live beneath the mountain.

This is for all of us. This is for all of us.
Yeah, and we're all going to be affected. Yes.
We're all going to be affected.

As someone who's devoted your life to science, and

I love the movie Canary. Please watch it.
It's great. You can watch it all ages.
It's great with watching it with kids because they're going to go, what's that? That's a drill.

You should be a scientist.

Why is science important to you? What does it mean to you, science? I know it's a broad question, but I thought you'd have a thought. Well, I think science, I mean, you look at our history.

You look at our vaccines for polio. You look at our web telescope.
We can see galaxies outside of our galaxy. I mean science allows us to

see the future. That gives us hope for the future, that we can make a difference.
We can change things.

We just have to go after it. You know,

you don't know what's possible until you try.

And if we try, we advance. And we've made tremendous advances in science.
And

it's good for all of humanity. Yeah.

Is that what you told the helicopter pilot?

Hey, we don't need to do it anymore.

Canary is available on YouTube for free to promote science and adventure over the holidays. Lonnie Thompson, we'll take a quick break.
We'll come right back after this.

Thank you for talking with us.

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That's the show for tonight and for 2025. Have a safe and happy holiday.
See you in January. Now here it is, your moment of zen.

So we're into 6G now, huh?

I just, 5G, I was a leader on 5G getting that done.

And now they're up to six. Let's do it again.
So six is coming, huh? It's coming. Does it ever end? And what happens? You'll be into seven, right? Before six gets old, you'll be into seven.

Anyone have anything else to say?

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This isn't just a game, it's a once-in-a-generation event. The Harlem Globetrotters 100-year tour.

Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks, 100 years of show-stopping moves, and 100 years of changing the game. Bring the whole family and be part of the legacy.
This game is once in a century.

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