Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel

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That's terrifying. That's fair.
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I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
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You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news.
This is The Daily Show with your host,

Ronnie Chang.

Welcome to The Daily Show.

I'm Roy Chang.

We've got so much to talk about tonight. The Supreme Court gets left on red.
Democrats are hitting up El Salvador for spring break. And someone at Harvard does not like them apples.
So let's get into it. I'm going to come.
Yesterday was a big day in American history. A group of women finally met society's expectations to weigh zero pounds.
And also, Donald Trump figured out that when the Supreme Court tells him to do something, he can just ignore them. Which is why I'm always saying the Supreme Court needs nukes.
OK, that's way more effective than that little hammer, because right now it's been five days since they told Donald Trump to help bring back Kilmer Garcia after they, you know, accidentally deported him to the mega prison in El Salvador. And it doesn't seem like anyone's in a rush to bring him back.
The Trump administration says it cannot return a Maryland man mistakenly deported to El Salvador. Trump officials argue that since Abrego Garcia is locked inside a prison in El Salvador, it's essentially not their problem anymore and they can't do anything about it.
But yesterday at the White House, Bukele said he didn't have the authority to release Garcia either. I don't have the power to return him to the United States.
This is like every customer service call I've ever been on. Oh, I'm sorry, this is billing.
You're looking for technical support. Let me transfer you.
Hello, this is technical support. Oh, sorry, you need billing.
Can someone just help me cancel my f***ing cable? Except for Comedy Central, which is a vital service for American society. But the Trump administration isn't just enjoying their fun new constitutional loophole.
They're also going on offense. That's why Stephen Miller, Trump advisor and Multiverse's most whiny Lex Luthor was also on the driveway asking questions he did not want the answer to.
Can anyone here tell me what would happen to the illegal alien from El Salvador if he came back from the United States? Does anyone here know? Does anyone want to guess? Any of you? He could be with his family. What? Any of you know the answer to the question legally what would happen if he came back here? Does any of you know? Anything? Do you really believe in a right? I'm talking now.
Do you really believe in a Supreme Court? I'm talking now. Doesn't think he should be retarded.
Why was it unanimous? You're done. You asked the question man.
You can't be mad that they're trying to answer you. It's like if a teacher said, okay, class, who can tell me the capital of Norway? Anyone? Anyone? Shut the f*** up! Now answer the question! I said shut up! But it's not just Stephen Miller.
The entire Trump administration is getting frustrated with how these dumb libs are whining about this one guy from Maryland.

Oh, it's so awful.

We accidentally sent a guy to the world's world's prison without trial or due process.

No, wait, wait, shut the f*** up, okay?

Because according to Homeland Security, he wasn't that great.

The media would love for you to believe that this is a media darling,

that he's just some Maryland father.

Well, Osama bin Laden was also a father,

and yet he wasn't a good guy, and they actually are both terrorists.

Thank you. that this is a media darling, that he's just some Maryland father.
Well, Osama bin Laden was also a father, and yet he wasn't a good guy, and they actually are both terrorists. This tween influencer is right.
It's the position of this administration that all fathers are basically Osama bin Laden. I mean, seriously, this guy has no criminal record at all.
If he's a terrorist, he might be the worst terrorist ever. I mean, he's been in America for 14 years and hasn't done any terrorism.
So maybe Trump is right. Maybe immigrants really are lazy.
What? Like, what is happening here? Okay, this is America. We don't just send someone to prison without evidence.
We plant the evidence on them. It's called due process.
But at least one Democrat is actually going to do something about this.

Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen says he's considering going to El Salvador to meet with the country's president.

He needs to come home.

And that is why I do intend to visit El Salvador this week to try to visit him, to let him know that we're working to bring him home. This is a trap.
It's a trap. Do not go.
This guy's going to go there and the prison guards are going to be like, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, Senator. Yeah, he's right inside that cell over there.
Yeah, go on in. It's all the way in the back there.
Just keep going. I mean, good for the Senator for what he's doing, but it's got to be at least a little disappointing for Garcia.
He's like, someone's coming to break me out of prison? Is it still Team 6? Is it the guy from Prison Break with the tattoos? No, it's me, Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen. But maybe this is the beginning of a new resistance to Trump because other people are starting to fight back wicked hard.
A showdown is now taking shape between the Trump administration and America's oldest university. The federal government announcing it will freeze more than two billion dollars in grants for Harvard and 60 million dollars in contracts after the school refused to comply with demands to limit activism on campus, eliminate its DEI programs and make other changes.
Holy shit, we finally found a force more powerful than Trump's hatred. Harvard's love of sending rejection letters.
But look, I don't usually root for Harvard because they're Harvard. They've got everything.
It's like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery. But in this case, I have to give them credit.
They're standing up for their principles and for everyone's right to free speech, even if it means possible financial ruin. One of the big questions going forward, is Harvard going to dip into that $50 billion-plus endowment to make up for that federal shortfall? Okay, I hate them again.
But the best part about Harvard's resistance to Donald Trump is that it gives people the chance to go on TV and let you know where they went to school. I myself am a first-generation college graduate.
I graduated from Harvard. I should disclose I went to Harvard, so I'm very familiar with the president and with how the community feels right now.
But as a Harvard alum, and as you know, I am as well... I know many alums, including people I know very closely and faculty members like me.
I know you look really surprised because I'm wearing a tie you've never seen before. It has a little Latin word inside each one of those symbols there, the word veritas, meaning truth, of course.
And this is the one night, it's a one night only appearance of this time. I know that that is not something that you usually billboard in the world about yourself.
Oh, God, the only thing worse than people bragging about going to Harvard is people pretending to be embarrassed about going to Harvard. Sorry.
Oh, my darkest secret. Please don't make me tell anyone.
Please, no. I went to Harvard.
Harvard. Harvard.
Harvard. My favorite guy is Lawrence O'Donnell.
He's really embarrassed he has to talk about this. I mean, it's definitely not something he will bring up all the time over the course of many years.
Let me just say confessionally, I went to Harvard

College. Most of the good things that have happened to me in some way trace back to Harvard.
You and I, as Harvard Americans, I first heard him speak as a guest lecturer at Harvard. Okay, well, I got into Harvard too.
In fact, it was the only college I applied to. So I know I'm trying to bring people back from the El Salvador mega prison, but do they have room for one more, by any chance? For more on Harvard's resistance to the Trump administration, let's go live to the White House with Josh Johnson.
Josh. Josh.
What's the latest? Oh, I'll tell you the latest, Ronnie. Harvard is about to get f***ed up.
I mean, do these Cambridge nerds have any idea the kind of power they're dealing with? Donald Trump is the president of the United Motherf***ing States. Uh, right.
And since he's so powerful, he can also get Gilmar Garcia back from El Salvador. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Donald Trump doesn't have that kind of power, all right? He's only the president of the United States. That's like being a middle school principal.
He doesn't even get his own parking space. You want to put him up against the sovereign nation of El Salvador? The Salvador? Don't be crazy, man.
Okay, wait, but since when does Trump respect sovereign nations? I mean, he's been talking all month about invading Greenland. And he will.
Greenland belongs to America. You know why? Because Donald Trump said so.
And when you're swinging around a PP as big as Donald Trump's, that's all it takes. Okay, so he should do that with El Salvador? With his tiny little

pee-pee? Trump!

Can't tell El Salvador

to do that? That country is terrifying.

They got a prison filled

with Osama bin Laden's.

You saw what one bin Laden

can do. Just think about multiple

Osama's bin Laden's.

Okay, Josh, Trump can't

have it both ways, okay? How can he be fighting a trade war with China if he's so weak? Who you calling weak, bitch? Donald Trump has nukes. He's the biggest army in the world.
They tried to shoot him and he just shook it off. Okay.
Okay, I think I'm getting it here. Okay, so when it comes to China, Trump is powerful.
He's God on Earth.

And Canada.

He's Zeus.

Mars?

Trump spits on Mars, then he finds the biggest crater,

and he f***s it, all right?

Okay.

Like, yeah.

And El Salvador?

What do you expect him to do to El Salvador?

Their president showed up wearing black-on-black, looking like Juan Wick. El Salvador? What do you expect him to do to El Salvador?

Their president showed up wearing black on black, looking like Juan

Wick.

But Trump,

Trump's just a scared little kid.

His mom died 25 years ago.

Do you know that?

You want to put that little orphan boy on a plane to El Salvador?

You sick.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I guess I just don't understand the power dynamic.

Leave that to me, Ronnie.

I'm a smart guy.

I don't usually bring this up, but I went to Harvard.

Wait. What? You went to Harvard.
Wait.

What?

You went to Harvard?

Well, to the bookstore.

Did you know if you say you're going to buy a sweatshirt,

they'll let you tear up that bathroom?

Okay, Josh Johnson, everyone.

When we come back,

Desi Leidich will give America respect, so don't go away.

Thank you. And helmet.
Done. See you, Dad.
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We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
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I have some disturbing news. America is not the only country in the world.
But what do these other so-called countries think of America? To find out, we turn to Desi Leidich. Oh, respect.
We all learned how to spell it from that song. H-O-T-T-O-G-O.
Find out what it means to me. The scale of respect can go from as high as old Kanye to as low as current Kanye.
It's a wide spectrum. And during his campaign, Donald Trump promised that America would be climbing the respect charts again.
Under my leadership, America soon will be respected again,

very quickly respected like never before.

America will be respected again and admired again.

If we win, America will be feared and respected again.

Aw, yeah.

Remember Trump's garbage era,

when he wore a garbage costume and drove up in a garbage truck?

It was like yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, trash. Anyway, he's going to get us respected again.
And there's nothing the world respects more than a good old-fashioned trade war. So now that we're a few weeks into it, let's see how that's going over with the rest of the world, starting with China.
So if the United States wants to go in that direction of completely shutting itself out of the China market, be my guest. Yeah.
And China will lose the U.S. market, which, as I've said, is 15 percent.
We don't care. We don't.
We don't care. Ooh, damn.
I didn't know China also manufactured catty bitches. Ooh, I get it, I get it.

Understandably, they're angry at us,

but the important thing is that they respect us.

A viral AI-generated video is making fun

of U.S.-China trade relations as tensions escalate.

Trump and Elon Musk and J.D. Vance making Nike sneakers.

There are also viral videos of Trump sitting behind a sewing machine in a factory. All of this rife on Chinese social media.
Wow. This is scary.
I did not think AI had the power to show Donald Trump doing skilled labor. But, okay, who cares if China doesn't respect us? They're only like a quarter of the people on Earth.
That's not even half. I'm sure the rest of the world is bowing down to the U.S.
What about you, France? Voulez-vous coucher, respect moi? C'est moi? In France, Emmanuel Macron called the tariffs brutal and unfounded. A town in France has replaced Coca-Cola with apple juice at municipal events.
A boycott of Coca-Cola. We need to punish Mr.
Trump a little bit. They will content themselves with the Statue of Liberty on the Quai de Seine in Paris.
These French people will not set foot in the United States as long as Donald Trump is in power. I don't want to, although I love America and I've been before, but this time that's a no.
Hold on. France had a second Statue of Liberty on the side this whole time?

That's the most French thing I've ever heard.

But fine.

Fine.

The French are hard to please.

What about other more easygoing European nations, like Italy, for example? Maybe they're showing respect to American officials. I think Musk should be placed under a mandatory psychiatric hold.
This guy has 13 to 15 children around the world. He's a junkie, a nutcase.
Come on. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You can't talk about Musk like that. You're not one of his kids.
Although, statistically, you might be. Wait, am I? Who cares what Europe thinks with their delicious foods and generous paid parental leave? Sometimes it's your closest friends and neighbors that see the best in you, like our syrup sommeliers in Canada.
Sure, we put an economically crippling tariff on them, but

we're still friends, right? Give us some of that friendly respect you're known for.

In a country known for its politeness, this morning, growing outrage.

Many of them now boycotting American goods and travel here. This is my last day with an American product.
Social media erupting with calls to buy Canadian and boycott USA. So you can buy buy America and you can buy Canadian.
Love that. Right.
You've even got Canadian morning shows being mean to us? Keep in mind, the rest of that show is just the co-hosts apologizing that the weather isn't nicer. Guys, we even lost Canada.
Is there anyone in the world that still respects us? These are not actions one does to a friend. Totally unnecessary and stupid.

The madness of a mentally ill man.

The biggest assault we have seen since the end of the Second World War.

The mess they use is dumb mess.

They've been calculated in a way that makes back of the envelope Crayola crayon scrawlings look like the work of Isaac Newton. That felt like going through It's a Small World, but all those puppet children are telling us to f*** right off.
So there you have it. Donald Trump promised we'd be respected like never before, and technically we have reached never-before-seen levels of respect.
So that's why this week, I'm ranking America's respectedness at stepmom who insists we call her mom, but we're still gonna call her Joyce. Better luck next round, America.
Thank you, Desi. When we come back, another Desi and Emes Patel will be joining me on the show, so don't go away.
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Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
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Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is an Emmy-nominated writer and comedian who will be out on the road soon with a new stand-up comedy tour.
Please welcome my good friend, Nimesh Patel! Welcome. Look at us.
Two guys on on tv we did it everybody so so um people know it's i when i came to new york city as a civilian in 2011 uh and i was i i wasn't living in america even even i came over and i came to new york for the first time. And I was trying to do stand-up comedy in New York City.
And I went to open mic night. And there was three people at this open mic night.
One of them was like some white dude. Some other dude.
Forgettable. Yeah, forgettable.
The third person was you. And you hosted the show.
And you gave me some stage time. And now here we are.
And here we are, yeah. I'm so excited.
And you, and we did the show, we did the show, and you were super nice to me, and you didn't care that I had an accent, you didn't treat me like some, you know, foreigner. I thought it, I thought it.
Which is more than I can say for the last Indian guy who was on this show. So thanks for being a cool person.
I'm here for his spot. I've been on the road for so long.
It's so good to be back in New York. I was on the way here, and this is true.
I was with my Indian friend. We were walking, and this homeless guy goes, look at these two computers.
And I miss that kind of racism. It's just like, you ever want to control all the way a homeless guy? What the f*** is he talking about? Yeah, but even though homeless guys in New York know what's up.
Yeah, yeah. They know enough to be specific with the racism.
What were you... When we met in 2011, you were ex-law school? I was still in law school.
I was studying for the bar exam. And you were at NYU.
I had just graduated, two years from graduating at NYU as a pre-med finance. I was pre-med finance.
Pre-med finance? Why are you cheering that? None of them worked out. Dude, pre-med finance is like the most, pick a side.
I wanted to be like this evil private equity manager. Doctor, you want to be a private equity doctor? When I joined NYU, I was gung-ho on being a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon.
Sorry, I love that pre-med finance is like, It's like, I can't decide whether I want to help people or kill people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it was definitely, there was definitely some good intent, and then I saw all my finance friends, like, oh, yeah, that seems fun. Being evil seems fun.
Yeah, yeah. But I was gung-ho on being a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon, and then I got a C-plus on organic chemistry, and I was like, f*** those kids.
And I'll never forget it. I'm sure you have a moment where you called your parents like, I'm not doing law school anymore.
No, I never told them. You never told them? They still don't know, to be honest.
You looked the part. I called my mom.
I called my mom and said, Mom, I'm dropping pre-med. And she screamed.
I've never heard her scream that loud since. She screamed as if someone told her I was dead.

And she was like, what, we pay for you to school?

That's how you repay us?

You're going to end up running a liquor store just like your dad.

And my dad's in the corner like, the f*** did I do?

And then...

Just trying to support my family.

And then I did finance, and I graduated in 08 with a finance degree. And that obviously did not work out.
But the problem is, like, now all my friends are finance millionaires, and I still think I could do finance. Like, I still think I know math.
You're not alone. Everyone thinks, apparently everyone in America thinks they can do finance.
Yeah. And I learned that I should just stick to jokes, because I was out to dinner with all my friends,

hedge fund guy, one of the good ones.

And he's telling me he was up like,

he's managing $10 billion and he's up 70% on the year.

I'm like, you're up $700 million?

He's like, no man, that's $7 billion.

I was like, oh yeah.

I'll stick to the jokes. Okay, yeah.

So what's going on with Indians and MAGA?

As an Indian representative.

No, look, I mean, there is something interesting.

Yeah, look, that's Trump's DEI, Indian people, the dick-eating Indians.

Dude, there's so many Indians that love Donald Trump, like Vivek Ramaswamy. Yeah.
Some Indians, yeah. Another Harvard guy.
Was he a Harvard guy? I'm pretty sure he's a Harvard guy. I mean, what a herb.
If you don't know what a herb is, a herb is what we called people in the 90s when they were being herbs. Like, he's a herb.
He ran for president and lost, obviously. And he ran for president, and his main thing, his opening line was, God is real.
Why did he make you 5'7", Vivek? That's the guy. I don't know if he's 5'7", but he has 5'7 energy.
And then, I won't say his name again, because if you say it more than three times, he just pops up under the desk.

Let's end affirmative action, guys.

All right, dude.

And then there's Usha Vance, who I'm praying for.

I'm hoping she has Stockholm Syndrome, because otherwise, why is she with J.D. Vance?

You have to.

And then, and then, of course, of course, the king, Kash Patel. I'm not saying shit about Kash Patel.
I'm not trying to get one of these one-way tickets to El Salvador. But everyone else was fair game.
If you don't know Kash Patel, you guys don't seem that concerned. But every Indian knows Kash Patel.
But if you don't know him, he's the director of the FBI. And people don't seem worried about him.

But his real name is Kashyap Ramod Vinod Patel. He grew up in racist-ass Long Island with the

name Kashyap Ramod Vinod Patel. He is out for revenge.
You should be very concerned.

I'm not a man. I'm not a fan of the guy's politics,

but if I get pulled over,

that is my cousin.

You don't see the resemblance?

No, that's me, dude.

All right, well,

you're going on tour,

stand-up tour soon, right?

Can you tell us about the tour?

I am going on tour soon.

It's either, I mean,

I need money.

Okay.

Like, I just had a kid,

and, uh...

Congratulations.

You father.

Thank you.

She is...

Thank you. She's the biggest tariff on my life.
How old is she? She's six months old. Oh, new baby.
She's fantastic. Putting her hands to work right away.
She's busy making a phone right now. Okay.
But in America. But in America, of course.
But, like, it's either that or commit white-collar crime. Like, I need to tour or commit white-collar crime.
Doesn't seem like a ripe time to commit white-collar crime. This is the golden age for white-collar crime.
This is, like, we should be embezzling. We should be ponzing right now.
We are. We are.
How do you insider trade? I need to learn. Insider trading has become very become very open now.
Basically, all you need to do is join Truth Social. Yeah.
And you can get a few good tips on that platform. You can't commit an SEC violation if the SEC doesn't exist.
You know what I mean? So let's steal. No, but I'm touring.
I'm going to like... That was a step too far.

We don't mind the racism,

but don't disrespect the SEC.

Yeah, yeah.

Our Robin Hoods are safe.

I'm going on a tour.

I'm going to like... I'm starting at a bunch of clubs

because you know how it is.

You got to build the set

at a bunch of clubs,

talk a bunch of shit,

crash out.

And then...

Some young people in the room. Good.
Crashing out, sir, is when you say some shit that you shouldn't say. I'm going to be doing that at a lot of...
I'm not going to go full Kanye, but... I think this whole interview has been a definition of crashing out.
It's a dictionary term for me. Being loose out hey listen, Nimet, thank you so much thank you so much for being my first friend in America thanks for always being very cool even though I came all the way from Australia at the time, you didn't treat me like a foreigner and I'm very happy to be your friend here, thanks so much Nimet.
Thank you, everybody. We message tours, hitting clubs and theaters right now.
Go to his website, findingneemes. show for tonight.

Now here it is, the moment of then.

You have had President Bryan at Harvard do the same thing.

I think right now the universities need to find some courage.

Our law firms need to find some courage.

There are things that matter more than simply the size of one's endowment.

Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show,

wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 central on Comedy Central

and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount podcasts.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, regional vice president, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Ugh.
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