TDS Time Machine | Father's Day

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Speaker 3 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 8 Democrats have a moral perch from which they can judge without shame, hypocrisy, or nuance.

Speaker 11 Breaking news, President Biden has issued a pardon for his son Hunter Biden.

Speaker 12 Mother,

Speaker 12 we were so close.

Speaker 12 But you know what, that's fine.

Speaker 13 It's good. It's right.
It's his right.

Speaker 15 An 82-year-old man doesn't want to spend the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.

Speaker 6 Republicans can't wait with this shit all the time.

Speaker 10 I'm sure the pardon is a narrowly written, precisely drawn farewell note of compassion for a loved one.

Speaker 19 The pardon, sweeping, covering offenses that Hunter Biden, quote, has committed or may have committed or taken part in over the past 11 years.

Speaker 10 11 years is a very specific

Speaker 7 and not rounded amount of time.

Speaker 7 So Hunter, I'll give you a pardon, a few years, five years, ten years.

Speaker 9 It needs to be 11.

Speaker 9 And if you would be so kind, make sure this upcoming New Year's Eve is also covered.

Speaker 9 Shit's going to get crazy.

Speaker 6 I didn't know pardons could cover crimes you may have committed.

Speaker 20 I'm surprised Biden didn't include the phrase, on Earth one, or any

Speaker 10 of the Earths in the multiverse.

Speaker 17 Now, some would say that's what any loving father would do for their troubled son or daughter, should they have the power.

Speaker 20 But on Fox News, it was this love, in fact, that may have caused the problem in the first place.

Speaker 22 My dad always told me, Ainsley, if you get arrested, don't call me. I'm not your first phone call.
I'm leaving you in there.

Speaker 9 Good night, sweetie.

Speaker 9 By the way, your dad always told you that?

Speaker 10 Were you a degenerate?

Speaker 17 Or was your dad De Niro?

Speaker 9 No, listen to me. No.

Speaker 4 You get pinched.

Speaker 23 I'm not your first phone call.

Speaker 13 I don't know you.

Speaker 4 It's 10 grand and a gun on the floorboards. Good luck, kid.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 24 by the way, not just Ainsley,

Speaker 20 the rest of the Fox cinematic universe was no happier.

Speaker 25 Not only the worst president in U.S. history, but also the most corrupt.

Speaker 9 This entire administration has been nothing but a sham.

Speaker 26 He and his family are so full of slime that Nickelodeon is going to sue for trademark infringement.

Speaker 27 You, Joe Biden.

Speaker 10 You, Joe Biden.

Speaker 23 Megan Kelly, who do you think you are?

Speaker 13 Me?

Speaker 13 What am I supposed to say now?

Speaker 13 It was my line.

Speaker 13 You've stolen my fing line.

Speaker 6 At long last, have you no decence?

Speaker 6 F me.

Speaker 7 Of course, no one was more outraged than America's judicial compass, Donald Seneca Trump.

Speaker 27 President-elect Trump weighing in as well. He says, does the pardon given by Joe to Hunter include the January 6th hostages who have now been in prison for years?

Speaker 27 Such an abuse and miscarriage of justice.

Speaker 15 Oh, you pardoned your son.

Speaker 13 Well, what about the people who tried to help me overthrow the government?

Speaker 13 That's kind of a leap there.

Speaker 7 It's like going, you know, oh, you're going to let the kids stay up to watch SNL, but you're not even going to try to help me burn the neighbor's house down?

Speaker 7 So

Speaker 15 obviously, Republicans are going to criticize, but Biden did make this line of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so long saying he wouldn't do it

Speaker 4 because of how much he respects the system.

Speaker 29 I'm not going to do anything.

Speaker 29 I said I abide by the jury decision, and I will do that, and I will not pardon him.

Speaker 26 Will you accept the jury's outcome, their verdict, no matter what it is?

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 33 And have you ruled out a pardon for your son?

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 4 Now watch this dive.

Speaker 4 Look,

Speaker 4 here's the thing.

Speaker 6 I don't know if you've ever found yourself in this situation.

Speaker 15 If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are being questioned about pardoning your son, do not do it at the swim-up bar of a club med.

Speaker 10 And also, not for nothing, with an old guy, I mean, Biden squints indoors. So

Speaker 16 you don't face the guy in the sun and try and get an honest answer.

Speaker 14 He immediately looks untrustworthy.

Speaker 15 You're going to give him a pardon?

Speaker 14 But you know what, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 20 Hypocrisy isn't illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics.

Speaker 7 It's not like he's ever going to run again.

Speaker 4 So why not take care of your kid?

Speaker 17 Even if you said you weren't going to.

Speaker 18 I respect it. I don't have a problem with it.

Speaker 7 The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden's pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America, this grand experiment.

Speaker 26 One political party remains committed to the rule of law and the other doesn't.

Speaker 34 It's that simple.

Speaker 35 Hunter Biden's not above the law. No one is above the law.
Democrats stand for the rule of law.

Speaker 36 We accept the outcome because that's how the rule of law works.

Speaker 37 Because the justice system that convicted his only surviving son is the same justice system he's vowed to protect. And if that doesn't tell you who Joe Biden is, I don't really know what does.

Speaker 9 I think I know what does.

Speaker 5 And now look at the dance Democrats have to do.

Speaker 38 Be honest, the only reason why they went after Hunter the way they did, and I've talked to many federal prosecutors about this, is because he's the president's son.

Speaker 39 People have to remember, the president has lost two children already, and he does not need to lose another one to more political witch hunts.

Speaker 40 The, you know, crowing from Republicans, but we're talking about you know Donald Trump is a convicted felon who literally

Speaker 40 pardoned his daughter's father-in-law and just made him ambassador to France.

Speaker 22 So for anyone that wants to clutch their pearls now because he decided that he was going to pardon his son, I would say take a look in the mirror.

Speaker 7 Ma'am, we will take a look in that mirror, but we are taking off.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 5 if you could just put this shit on airplane mode

Speaker 13 and let us get home for the holidays.

Speaker 13 Yes!

Speaker 15 Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 17 To everything that you guys were saying, if you hadn't made Hunter Biden not receiving a pardon, the Mason-Dixon line of morality between Democrats and Republicans, there's a big gap between the law is the only thing that separates us from the animals and and the monkey threw shit at me first.

Speaker 13 I had no choice.

Speaker 15 This is what Biden's decision has done.

Speaker 16 Look how confident and eloquent our Democratic representatives were back when they thought they had the moral high ground on this issue.

Speaker 31 I've not heard a single Democrat anywhere in the country cry fraud, cry fixed, cry rigged.

Speaker 31 cry kangaroo court. You don't hear a single peep out of any Democrat saying that why we believe in the rule of law.

Speaker 9 And now look at what even he,

Speaker 7 one of the most verbally dexterous attorneys we have on Capitol Hill, has been reduced to.

Speaker 11 Do you think President Biden should pardon Hunter Biden?

Speaker 31 So there are lots of claims of political prosecution and political.

Speaker 21 And was Hunter politically?

Speaker 31 Well, I mean, obviously that's a judicial point, and you've got to look at what the evidence is. And I don't know enough.

Speaker 5 Should the president pardon him?

Speaker 31 I mean, again, that is a unilateral executive power, you know, power that.

Speaker 2 And should he use it?

Speaker 31 Well, you know, the power exists for the president to show mercy for people

Speaker 13 I mean

Speaker 7 we have an executive and we have a judicial and then a legislative and then smoke bomb

Speaker 13 thank you thank you

Speaker 23 first time I've crouched since Thanksgiving and

Speaker 17 oh that did not go well

Speaker 20 but then why this weekend normally you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station in a flurry of other distracting purchases

Speaker 4 and pardons oh yeah well you give me that breathman's there to WD40 to squeegee there one of those anal magazines

Speaker 5 some corn nuts

Speaker 4 pardon for my son

Speaker 4 the big dicks like chicks pamphlet

Speaker 19 so why did you do it now as NBC News first reported the president did decide to reverse course over the holiday weekend at his family's annual Thanksgiving getaway in Nantucket

Speaker 13 Thanksgiving

Speaker 10 I knew it.

Speaker 7 Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down in my new one-man show. Can you get Hunter to stop looking at me like that?

Speaker 4 I take you there now.

Speaker 6 I'll be playing the role of Hunter.

Speaker 6 How are you, Father?

Speaker 23 Are you well, Father?

Speaker 23 I'm a bit down.

Speaker 23 You know, last Thanksgiving with the family for a while.

Speaker 9 If only someone could change that.

Speaker 4 This turkey is delicious, obviously not one of the ones that was pardoned.

Speaker 9 I made you watch that because people think I can't act.

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Speaker 46 Overseas, a Dutch man is facing legal action for allegedly fathering at least 550 children. The 41-year-old is a sperm donor.

Speaker 46 He's accused, though, of lying about the number of kids he's fathered through sperm banks violating agreements. Limits are placed on donors to protect children's health.

Speaker 46 It's unclear what legal ramifications he could face.

Speaker 12 Holy shit.

Speaker 47 Come on. He donated enough sperm for 550 kids?

Speaker 47 God damn, dude.

Speaker 47 Say something for the shower, bruh.

Speaker 47 What?

Speaker 47 But in this guy's defense, when you're this cool, you have an obligation to procreate.

Speaker 47 I mean, who wants to get knocked up by this sperm?

Speaker 47 But still though, this is going to make for some awkward conversations.

Speaker 15 Mommy, what's my biological father like?

Speaker 48 Honey, all I know about him is he loved to jack off.

Speaker 49 Good night, honey.

Speaker 50 The accusations against our Groper in chief as governor of New York. This guy was made a hero when he seems like he's maybe the biggest predator in American politics today.

Speaker 24 In recent weeks, Donald Trump Jr., the oldest, least Eric-y son of Donald Trump, has been complaining that a politician has not been punished for his alleged sex crimes.

Speaker 24 It raises an uncomfortable question: Does Don Jr. know who his father is?

Speaker 41 Seriously.

Speaker 24 That's this week on Unsolved Mysteries MAGA Edition.

Speaker 24 You might imagine that Donald Trump Jr. definitely knows who his dad is.
The man says the words, my father, more than the Pope.

Speaker 43 My father, my father, my father, my father.

Speaker 24 And yet, in recent years, a mysterious thing happened. Don Jr.
started talking like a man who had no damn idea that Donald Trump was his dad.

Speaker 24 Listen to this.

Speaker 43 I wish my name was Hunter Biden. I could go abroad, make millions off of my father's presidency.

Speaker 25 I'd be a really rich guy. It would be incredible.

Speaker 45 He knows who his dad is, right?

Speaker 24 Because this is like the Kool-Aid man complaining about other people crashing through walls and leaving Kool-Aid man-sized holes.

Speaker 25 Whether it's Hunter, whether it's Joe Biden's brother, whether it's his sister, they've all spent their entire lives profiting of Joe Biden's taxpayer-funded offices.

Speaker 25 Here, son, here's every job you've ever had.

Speaker 24 Does Don Jr. think that he got that job at the Trump organization because he wrote a good cover letter? Does Donald Trump Jr.
not know what the word junior means?

Speaker 24 Just like he thought Saturday Night Live was abbreviated SNL.

Speaker 24 What explains this mystifying lack of self-awareness? Is it possible that the unthinkable is true? That Don Jr. doesn't know that Donald Trump is his father?

Speaker 24 Investigators have combed through days of footage of Don Jr. and Donald together, but have not found a single hug or even an affectionate look between the two.

Speaker 24 Because really, if Don Jr. does know that Donald Trump is his father, what could explain this?

Speaker 50 Joe Biden, as a presidential contender, is likely the most corrupted and potentially corrupted person to ever run for office of the presidency. Joe Biden doesn't know where he is.

Speaker 43 50% of the time, the guy can't conform a complete sentence.

Speaker 52 It's almost like the whole Biden family is entirely entirely dependent on Joe holding public office.

Speaker 13 Am I the only one seeing this?

Speaker 24 If you have any information as to why Donald Trump Jr.

Speaker 24 doesn't seem to realize that his father is Donald Trump, please contact Unsolved Mysteries before he starts complaining that Joe Biden is a racist tax cheat who couldn't even run a casino.

Speaker 24 You know what's coming.

Speaker 24 Get off this dock, it's more like

Speaker 24 old foots.

Speaker 51 This is a crazy story from California where dad he drove his whole family off a cliff in a Tesla.

Speaker 49 So

Speaker 51 fortunately, they all survived, but when the paramedics arrived, the wife said that he did it on purpose.

Speaker 49 Now, I've been married for 38 years. I can tell you I love my wife and children very much, and I would never drive them off a cliff.

Speaker 45 But I've thought about it. I've thought about it.

Speaker 49 Anybody who's been in the car with screaming ass kids at a cliff available?

Speaker 51 Either you thought about it or you're lying.

Speaker 45 Look at him.

Speaker 53 I thought about it, yeah.

Speaker 45 But I was patient.

Speaker 51 Kids will drive you crazy. You ask me about that bathroom one more damn time we're going up that cliff, I swear.

Speaker 45 Even the judge would be like, well the defendant, I mean hero, I mean defendants please get up.

Speaker 51 All right, what I don't understand is how a Tesla can survive going off a cliff, but it can't make you down the street without blowing the f ⁇ up.

Speaker 45 I don't understand that.

Speaker 55 Tonight, Georgia's Republican nominee for U.S. Senate, Herschel Walker, is admitting that he has a 10-year-old son who he didn't raise.

Speaker 55 Court documents show that the boy's mother had to sue him for paternity and child support.

Speaker 34 Just a day after news broke that Walker had a secret 10-year-old son, the Daily Beast discovered that Walker actually has two more additional children he has never publicly acknowledged.

Speaker 56 Yeah, that's right. Not one, but three secret children.
How do you even keep that many kids secret? I mean, at some point, you've got to confuse their names. It's like, I love you, Susan.

Speaker 56 I mean, Claire, I mean, Frank. I mean, Susan.
You are Susan, and I love you.

Speaker 56 And look, here's the thing. Understand this.
It doesn't matter to me how many kids you have or with how many people. I think in America there's too much moralizing around some of these issues.

Speaker 56 But it does matter if you spend all your time vilifying other men for doing the same thing that you do.

Speaker 45 You're vilifying them.

Speaker 51 You're calling them out.

Speaker 56 Oh, it's because they're black men. And you know what? It's not.
It's bullshit.

Speaker 56 And this always happens too. It always happens.
When a politician comes down weirdly hard on a specific group of people, that's when you should be suspicious.

Speaker 57 When they come down on one thing, there's always a politician that's like, we have to stop these perverts that love to lick the back of people's knees at the public pool.

Speaker 57 You're like, I think this dude licks the back of people's knees.

Speaker 23 So Walker loves conspiracies.

Speaker 56 He lies about his achievements. And I guess just like Trump, he pretends he doesn't have some of his kids.

Speaker 56 And right now, if you're thinking there's no way Herschel Walker could be more hypocritical than this, well, I hope you didn't place a bet.

Speaker 21 There is a new twist in the pivotal Senate race in Georgia. The website The Daily Beast is reporting Republican candidate Herschel Walker paid for a woman he was dating to get an abortion in 2009.

Speaker 58 Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker says he is pro-life and supports a nationwide abortion ban with no exceptions.

Speaker 58 But new reporting from the Daily Beast claims he encouraged a woman he was dating in 2009 to get an abortion and help pay for it.

Speaker 58 The woman whose identity was not published provided the Daily Beast with a receipt for the procedure, a get-well card, and an image of a $700 check allegedly signed by Walker.

Speaker 45 Wow.

Speaker 56 An anti-abortion Republican court paying for his girlfriend's abortion? That is a bombshell. Especially because he left behind so much proof.

Speaker 56 I mean this woman says that she has a receipt, a check, and a get-well card that he signed.

Speaker 56 The only way there could be more of a paper trailer is if he bought a souvenir t-shirt from the abortion killings gift shop.

Speaker 56 And now believe it or not, believe it or not, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Herschel Walker.

Speaker 56 He has multiple allegations of domestic abuse against him, including from his ex-wife. His own son, who is a prominent conservative, has said most of the stories are true.

Speaker 56 And Herschel Walker himself said that sometimes he couldn't control his own brain.

Speaker 56 But despite all of this, he still has the full support of the Republican Party, including a top aide to Mitch McConnell, who just today said, it's full speed ahead in Georgia.

Speaker 30 Yeah, because clearly McConnell's like, look, it's not my baby daddy, why do I care?

Speaker 4 You know, a lot of times in this program, we're always talking about the problems in our society.

Speaker 31 But our society has much to celebrate everybody's talking about dad bots guys who look like they go to the gym but they also maybe enjoy a little pizza little beer elizabeth and i find it really attractive leonardo diCaprio jason siegel and seth rogan have all been called dad bots undefined abs and maybe even a little bit of flab are actually in women admitting that normal looking guys are the sexy ones yeah

Speaker 17 it's like christmas came early this year for dudes because everywhere you look there's jolly fat men

Speaker 7 for more on the new look that's driving women crazy.

Speaker 54 We're joined by senior women's issues correspondent, Kristen Shaw.

Speaker 7 Kristen!

Speaker 13 Hello!

Speaker 62 Well, thanks, John, and what a great day for men. It's time society finally accepted that a man's body changes when he has kids.

Speaker 62 He spent nine months eating too much because his pregnant wife is stressing him out. And then there's a screaming baby at home who's got to get out for pizza and beer as much as he can.

Speaker 62 It's just biology, John.

Speaker 7 You know, but a lot of those guys we just heard about, they're not even dads.

Speaker 62 You don't have to be a dad to have a dad bod. You just have to be really lazy.

Speaker 62 And women are lining up at the dad bod buffet, which is great news because now you don't have to worry about magazines like this shoving an impossible body image down your throat.

Speaker 62 Like this chiseled triangle thing. You know what I'm talking about? It's like the borderline between where the chest ends, you know, and then the fun begins.

Speaker 62 You know what? Let's just forget about these names because it is gone.

Speaker 62 That sounds confirming, John. Here, you try.

Speaker 13 Rip this guy up. Come on.
Okay.

Speaker 41 There we go. Absolutely.
Here we go.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Get rid of it.

Speaker 62 Good job, John. Just put all your...

Speaker 62 Well, you know who really loves this dad bod trend? Guys like you, who get most of their exercise by turning from camera one to camera three.

Speaker 30 As a 40-something-year-old dad, I find this notion profoundly reassuring.

Speaker 11 Show us your dad bod.

Speaker 32 I wish I could. I'm going get a beer pizza after the show.

Speaker 26 Dad, I think women think you're sort of nuts if you've got this six-pack of it.

Speaker 39 It's coming like a dad bod sandwich right here.

Speaker 39 Oh, they're all having a really good belly laugh.

Speaker 62 Well, the guys are. If that woman had a belly at all, they would not let her on that show.

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 7 I don't know, of course. I mean, maybe the good thing.
Maybe dad bod, dad bod is just the beginning, and it opens the door to celebrating the mom bod.

Speaker 62 Oh, sweet, sweet John.

Speaker 62 We're already obsessed with mom bods, or at least how fast moms can get rid of them.

Speaker 52 There's a new breed of mom on the playground, dubbed mom shells. They're a hybrid of mommies and mom shells.

Speaker 11 That's 11 months after giving birth to her.

Speaker 52 She looks amazing. She had a baby seven months ago.
She has a five-month-old.

Speaker 27 Three months after having a baby. Looking impossibly spelt.

Speaker 43 Perfect. Amazing.

Speaker 52 Incredible.

Speaker 21 Just weeks after giving birth to her.

Speaker 42 Look at that.

Speaker 62 They're not real people. They're celebrities.
Beyonce, Scarlett Johansson, J-Lo, Michelle Duggar.

Speaker 41 Michelle Tugger?

Speaker 7 From the reality show with the 19 kids?

Speaker 62 Yeah, that's how hot she is. Her husband is never not f ⁇ ing her.

Speaker 62 Why do you think she has to hide her body under that sister wife dress to stop tempting the rest of us?

Speaker 20 Why is there so much pressure though on women to be skinny?

Speaker 7 You know, it hasn't always been that way. Look at the Rubinesque women in those older paintings by...

Speaker 62 You're right, Picasso.

Speaker 62 Talk about impossible body standards. I spent years trying to get my nose on the side of my face.

Speaker 43 Admit it, John.

Speaker 62 Women will never be able to relax about their bodies the way that men can.

Speaker 54 Well, it's too bad because it feels great to be able to, you know, to not think about it, the old, feel good in the old dad bottom line.

Speaker 62 Well, you earned it, Daddy O.

Speaker 62 All that not working out, focusing on other things besides your body. You know, why don't you stand up and give the audience a little treat? Show them what a mostly adequate physique looks like.

Speaker 62 I don't have to ask if fries go with that shake because they obviously did.

Speaker 62 Show off how your looks are not what society values most in you.

Speaker 13 Ah, look good. Wait, hold on.

Speaker 13 Yeah, there it is.

Speaker 7 I'm starting to feel it.

Speaker 7 Oh yeah, I'm starting to feel it.

Speaker 13 Yeah, keep pushing. Keep pushing.
Oh yeah, I'm starting to feel it now.

Speaker 13 Uh-huh. Oh yeah.

Speaker 15 Here comes a twerk.

Speaker 28 I'm a twerk.

Speaker 13 I'm in a, I'm in a.

Speaker 54 Good Kristen Chawl, everybody. We'll be right back.
Bye.

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Speaker 56 Have you ever watched your team losing and wished that you could jump in to help?

Speaker 60 Well, that's exactly what this North Carolina dad did.

Speaker 63 A North Carolina man was arrested after getting too involved in his son's high school wrestling match.

Speaker 63 At one point, the wrestler in the gray uniform picks up the wrestler in the black uniform, slams him to the ground.

Speaker 63 The referee ruled the move was illegal and blew the whistle, but moments later, a man runs out, knocks the wrestler to the ground. It was the other boy's dad.

Speaker 63 The man was arrested, charged with assault, and disorderly conduct.

Speaker 43 God damn!

Speaker 60 What was that father thinking? You can't just run in from the sidelines and beat up a teenager. Your son has to tag you in first.

Speaker 5 Come on.

Speaker 43 Rules of wrestling.

Speaker 60 And if you think that's bad, you should have seen him at his daughter's ballet recital. That shit is insane.

Speaker 60 And look, I get the dad's anger. But you realize this thing could have gotten out of hand, right? Because no one thinks about this.

Speaker 60 But what if the other wrestler's dad saw it happen and then he jumped in, right? And then what if the first dad's dad jumped in to help him?

Speaker 60 Then the other guy's grandfather jumped in and a coffin just lands on on all of them.

Speaker 60 Gotta think of these things.

Speaker 60 But this is why I never bring my mom to the Emmys. Parents are really competitive.
Yeah.

Speaker 60 If I brought my mom to the Emmys and then she sees me lose to John Oliver, she'll rush the podium and tackle him to the ground. Yeah.

Speaker 60 Poor John will be on the ground screaming like, holy shit, I've just been tackled by a woman from South Africa.

Speaker 44 And by the way, that's not South Africa, that's South Africa.

Speaker 59 I know your son is getting to

Speaker 59 tooth-losing eight.

Speaker 45 Yeah, they're getting jiggly. Yeah.

Speaker 59 Is he getting that sweet six bucks from the tooth fairy?

Speaker 45 Hell no.

Speaker 45 I did the responsible thing with my boy and I told him that the tooth fairy is dead.

Speaker 13 Wait, what?

Speaker 53 You told him the tooth fairy is dead? She's dead?

Speaker 13 She dead. She gone.

Speaker 45 She tripped over my son's toys. He'd be laying all over the house.
She stepped on the toy, broke her neck, and choked to death on her own tongue. Why would you say that to your own kid?

Speaker 45 Well, he's got to put his damn toys up now. I bet you will now.

Speaker 13 Look, is it like, like, I'm tired of him not cleaning up.

Speaker 45 And I'm tired of buying into this system, man.

Speaker 14 Listen to us.

Speaker 45 We're paying our kids just for losing teeth. And what are they learning from that? What are they learning? All your kids learn is that they can sell their body parts for money.

Speaker 45 No wonder I spent my whole 20 selling plasma, selling blood, selling sperm, selling bone marrow, dropped off a kidney. All the Tooth fairy did was teach me how to treat my body like a garage sale.

Speaker 45 Wait, wait.

Speaker 59 But losing a tooth is a big moment. He should get something.

Speaker 13 He is getting something. He's getting the new tooths.

Speaker 12 That's the prize.

Speaker 45 You get to keep chewing.

Speaker 13 And let's just be real. How's it?

Speaker 5 Where does it end?

Speaker 45 Lose a tooth, $6. Oh, you got your first zip.
Here's $10. Oh, your body keep changing.
I'm going to have to keep tipping this little motherfucker for growing hair on his back.

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 45 he gets one present a year. His birthday, that's it.

Speaker 13 Okay, well, what about Christmas, right? Wait, what?

Speaker 45 Christmas.

Speaker 13 Well, Santa dad, too.

Speaker 56 I taught my son that Santa Claus died from too much screen time on the iPad.

Speaker 59 Listen, man, for your son's sake, man, just

Speaker 45 here, just

Speaker 59 give this to Henry Tells from Uncle Husson, okay?

Speaker 10 He lost two teeth.

Speaker 64 A 13-year-old Honduran boy, little Edwin Daniel Sabillon, traveled 3,200 miles by bus, foot, and bike to New York City to find the father he has never known.

Speaker 64 Brave Edwin set out on his own, arriving in Manhattan carrying only $24, a tattered paper bag with a change of clothes, and three wet cookies.

Speaker 64 I'm sorry, I have something in my eye.

Speaker 64 During the journey, the boy passed through Houston, Corpus Christi, New Orleans, and lots of small towns where he would stay long enough to sleep, eat, meet the locals, then high tail it after turning into the Hulk.

Speaker 64 New York City police are now taking care of Edwin, feeding him McDonald's an ice cream cake from Carvell, and on that diet, he will be qualified to join the force in about five years.

Speaker 46 Just kidding, fellas.

Speaker 64 Sadly, Edwin's Edwin's father hasn't turned up for fear of deportation, so his official guardian is New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani,

Speaker 64 who has promised to give the young man work as a Senate race ethnic pawn.

Speaker 48 And that was other news.

Speaker 65 I came to the convention with a dream to interview Tim Waltz, also known as America's Dad.

Speaker 25 This is America's Dad, quote, Big Dad Energy.

Speaker 51 Big Dad Energy.

Speaker 65 Unfortunately, America's Dad seemed to be a very difficult interview to get.

Speaker 51 Governor Waltz. Governor Waltz.
Governor Waltz.

Speaker 36 Governor Waltz is doing his best job ignoring me right now.

Speaker 65 If I was going to catch Tim Walz, I needed to lure him in with a trap that a dad could not resist.

Speaker 42 Can anyone help me with this pie for my date? Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Speaker 42 Does anyone know how to use a stud finder?

Speaker 42 Does anyone know how to fill out a baseball score sheet by hand?

Speaker 42 Does anyone want this copy of Broody on Blu-ray?

Speaker 42 Come on.

Speaker 42 I know you want it.

Speaker 66 And now, we wait.

Speaker 42 Who are you most excited to hear talk today?

Speaker 37 I'm really looking forward to seeing Barack Abel.

Speaker 42 You're cute. Do you happen to have a convertible you could recklessly drive me around in? Hope no one's within earshot who might want to put their foot down and stop this ill-advised romance.

Speaker 42 Got hot knots leading up to a Bengang and a beer. Perfect trap.
It's in walls.

Speaker 42 I'm gonna smoke a cigarette unless someone stops me. Hope no one catches me, makes me smoke the whole pack to learn a lesson.

Speaker 13 Whoa!

Speaker 42 I'm going absolutely crazy now. Oh, geez.

Speaker 42 Oh my god, I just got a ticket to a Roy Orbison cover band. Does anyone want it?

Speaker 42 Anyone know if there is an LB nearby?

Speaker 42 I don't know if I'll get to the voting booth this year. I don't know how to drive stick.

Speaker 42 Is there anyone here who could teach me?

Speaker 12 Is there anyone here who could teach me?

Speaker 65 Downtrodden and deflated, I had one last idea.

Speaker 42 Anyone around here know if this fire extinguisher is up to code?

Speaker 43 I see the 2024 R on here.

Speaker 38 I see February punched out.

Speaker 42 Are you Tim Waltz?

Speaker 44 All right, never mind.

Speaker 66 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 66 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 3 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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