TDS Time Machine | Father's Day

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Democrats have a moral perch from which they can judge without shame, hypocrisy, or nuance.

Breaking news, President Biden has issued a pardon for his son, Hunter Biden.

Mother,

that's fine.

It's good.

It's right.

It's his right.

An 82-year-old man.

Doesn't want to spend the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.

Republicans can't wait with this shit all the time.

I'm sure the pardon is a narrowly written, precisely drawn, farewell note of compassion for a loved one.

The pardon, sweeping, covering offenses that Hunter Biden, quote, has committed or may have committed or taken part in over the past 11 years.

11 years is a very specific

and not rounded amount of time.

So, Hunter, I'll give you a pardon, a few years, five years, ten years.

It needs to be 11.

And if you would be so kind, make sure this upcoming New Year's Eve is also covered.

Shit's going to get crazy.

I didn't know pardons could cover crimes you may have committed.

I'm surprised Biden didn't include the phrase, on Earth one, or any

of the Earths in the multiverse.

Now, some would say that's what any loving father would do for their troubled son or daughter, should they have the power.

But on Fox News, it was this love, in fact, that may have caused the problem in the first place.

My dad always told me, Ainsley, if you get arrested, don't call me.

I'm not your first phone call.

I'm leaving you in there.

Good night, sweetie.

By the way, your dad always told you that?

Were you a degenerate?

Or was your dad De Niro?

No, listen to me.

No.

You get pinched.

I'm not your first phone call.

I don't know you.

It's 10 grand and a gun on the floorboards.

Good luck, kid.

And

by the way, not just Ainsley,

the rest of the Fox cinematic universe was no happier.

Not only the worst president in U.S.

history, but also the most corrupt.

This entire administration has been nothing but a sham.

He and his family are so full of slime that Nickelodeon is going to sue for trademark infringement.

F you, Joe Biden.

F you, Joe Biden.

Megan Kelly, who do you think you are?

Me?

What am I supposed to say now?

You is my line.

You've stolen my fing line.

At long last, have you no decence?

F me.

Of course, no one was more outraged than America's judicial compass, Donald Seneca Trump.

President-elect Trump weighing in as well, he says, does the pardon given by Joe to Hunter include the January 6th hostages who have now been in prison for years?

Such an abuse and miscarriage of justice.

Oh, you pardoned your son.

Well, what about the people who tried to help me overthrow the government?

That's kind of a leap there.

It's like going, you know, oh, you're going to let the kids stay up to watch SNL, but you're not even going to try to help me burn the neighbor's house down?

So

obviously, Republicans are going to criticize, but Biden did make this line of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so long saying he wouldn't do it because of how much he respects the system.

I'm not going to do anything.

I said I abide by the jury decision, and I will do that, and I will not pardon him.

Will you accept the jury's outcome, their verdict, no matter what it is?

Yes.

And have you ruled out a pardon for your son?

Yes.

Now watch this dive.

Look,

here's the thing.

I don't know if you've ever found yourself in this situation.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are being questioned about pardoning your son, do not do it at the swim-up bar of a club med.

And also not for nothing, with an old guy, I mean Biden squints indoors.

So

you don't face the guy in the sun and try and get an honest answer.

He immediately looks untrustworthy.

You're going to give him a pardon?

But you know what, ladies and gentlemen?

Hypocrisy isn't illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics.

It's not like he's ever going to run again, so why not take care of your kid?

Even if you said you weren't going to.

I respect it.

I don't have a problem with it.

The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden's pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America, this grand experiment.

One political party remains committed to the rule of law, and the other doesn't.

It's that simple.

Hunter Biden's not above the law.

No one is above the law.

Democrats stand for the rule of law.

We accept the outcome because that's how the rule of law works.

Because the justice system that convicted his only surviving son is the same justice system he's vowed to protect.

And if that doesn't tell you who Joe Biden is, I don't really know what does.

I think I know what does.

And now look at the dance Democrats have to do.

Be honest, the only reason why they went after Hunter the way they did, and I've talked to many federal prosecutors about this, is because he's the president's son.

People have to remember, the president has lost two children already, and he does not need to lose another one to more political witch hunts.

The, you know, crowing from Republicans.

But we're talking about, you know, Donald Trump is a convicted felon who literally

pardoned his daughter's father-in-law and just made him ambassador to France.

So for anyone that wants to clutch their pearls now because he decided that he was going to pardon his son, I would say take a look in the mirror.

Ma'am, we will take a look in that mirror, but we are taking off.

So

if you could just put this shit on airplane mode

and let us get home for the holidays.

Yes,

yes, yes, yes, to everything that you guys were saying.

If you hadn't made Hunter Biden not receiving a pardon, the Mason-Dixon line of morality between Democrats and Republicans, there's a big gap between the law is the only thing that separates us from the animals and the monkey threw shit at me first.

I had no choice.

This is what Biden's decision has done.

Look how confident and eloquent our Democratic representatives were back when they thought they had the moral high ground on this issue.

I've not heard a single Democrat anywhere in the country cry fraud, cry fixed, cry rigged, cry kangaroo court.

You don't hear a single peep out of any Democrat saying that why we believe in the rule of law.

And now look at what even he,

one of the most verbally dexterous attorneys we have on Capitol Hill, has been reduced to.

Do you think President Biden should pardon Hunter Biden?

So there are lots of claims of political prosecution and political.

And was Hunter politically?

Well, I mean, obviously that's a judicial point, and you've got to look at what the evidence is.

And I don't know enough.

Should the president pardon him?

I mean, again, that is a unilateral executive

power that

should he use it.

Well, you know, the power exists for the president to show mercy for people.

I mean,

we have an executive, and we have a judicial, and then a legislative, and then smoke bomb!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

First time I've crouched since Thanksgiving.

Oh, that did not go well.

But then why this weekend?

Normally you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station in a flurry of other distracting purchases

and pardons.

Oh, yeah, well you give me that.

Breathman's there to WD40 to squeegee there, one of those anal magazines.

Some corn nuts.

Pardon for my son.

The big dicks like chicks pamphlet.

So why did you do it now?

As NBC News first reported, the president did decide to reverse course over the holiday weekend at his family's annual Thanksgiving getaway in Nantucket.

Thanksgiving.

I knew it!

Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down in my new one-man show.

Can you get Hunter to stop looking at me like that?

I take you there now.

I'll be playing the role of hunter.

How are you, Father?

Are you well, father?

I'm a bit down.

You know, last Thanksgiving with the family for a while.

If only someone could change that.

This turkey is delicious, obviously, not one of the ones that was pardoned.

I made you watch that because people think I can't act.

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Overseas, a Dutch man is facing legal action for allegedly fathering at least 550 children.

The 41-year-old is a sperm donor.

He's accused, though, of lying about the number of kids he's fathered through sperm banks violating agreements.

Limits are placed on donors to protect children's health.

It's unclear what legal legal ramifications he could face.

Holy shit.

Come on.

He donated enough sperm for 550 kids?

God damn, dude.

Save something for the shower, bruh.

What?

But in this guy's defense, when you're this cool, you have an obligation to procreate.

I mean, who wants to get knocked up by this sperm?

But still, though, this is going to make for some awkward conversations.

Mommy, what's my biological father like?

Honey, all I know about him is he loved to jack off.

Good night, honey.

The accusations against our Groper in chief as governor of New York.

This guy was made a hero when he seems like he's maybe the biggest predator in American politics today.

In recent weeks, Donald Trump Jr., the oldest least Erici son of Donald Trump, has been complaining that a politician has not been punished for his alleged sex crimes.

It raises an uncomfortable question.

Does Don Jr.

know who his father is?

Seriously.

That's this week on Unsolved Mysteries MAGA Edition.

You might imagine that Donald Trump Jr.

definitely knows who his dad is.

The man says the words, my father, more than the Pope.

My father, my father, my father, my father.

And yet, in recent years, a mysterious thing happened.

Don Jr.

started talking like a man who had no damn idea that Donald Trump was his dad.

Listen to this.

I wish my name was Hunter Biden.

I could go abroad, make millions off of my father's presidency.

I'd be a really rich guy.

It would be incredible.

He knows who his dad is, right?

Because this is like the Kool-Aid man complaining about other people crashing through walls and leaving Kool-Aid man-sized holes.

Whether it's Hunter, whether it's Joe Biden's brother, whether it's his sister, they've all spent their entire lives profiting of Joe Biden's taxpayer-funded offices.

Here, son, here's every job you've ever had.

Does Don Jr.

think that he got that job at the Trump organization because he wrote a good cover letter?

Does Donald Trump Jr.

not know what the word junior means?

Just like he thought Saturday Night Live was abbreviated SNL.

What explains this mystifying lack of self-awareness?

Is it possible that the unthinkable is true?

That Don Jr.

doesn't know that Donald Trump is his father?

Investigators have combed through days of footage of Don Jr.

and Donald together, but have not found a single hug or even an affectionate look between the two.

Because really, if Don Jr.

does know that Donald Trump is his father, what could explain this?

Joe Biden, as a presidential contender, is likely the most corrupted and potentially corrupted person to ever run for office of the presidency.

Joe Biden doesn't know where he is.

50% of the time, the guy can't conform a complete sentence.

It's almost like the whole Biden family is entirely dependent on Joe holding public office.

Am I the only one seeing this?

If you have any information as to why Donald Trump Jr.

doesn't seem to realize that his father is Donald Trump, please contact Unsolved Mysteries before he starts complaining that Joe Biden is a racist tax cheat who couldn't even run a casino.

you know what's coming

Get off this dock, it's more like

old Foots

This is a crazy story from California where dad he drove his whole family off a cliff in a Tesla so

Fortunately, they all survived but when the paramedics arrived the wife said that he did it on purpose Now I've been married for 38 years I can tell you I love my wife and children very much and I would never drive them off a cliff

but I've thought about it I've thought about it

anybody who's been in the car with screaming ass kids at a cliff available

either you thought about it or you're lying

look at him I thought about it yeah

but I was patient

Kids will drive you crazy you asked me about that bathroom one more damn time we're going up that cliff I swear.

Even the judge would be like, well, the defendant, I mean, hero, I mean, defendants, please stand up.

All right, what I don't understand is how a Tesla can survive going off a cliff, but it can't make you down the street without blowing the f ⁇ up.

I don't understand that.

Tonight, Georgia's Republican nominee for U.S.

Senate, Herschel Walker, is admitting that he has a 10-year-old son who he didn't raise.

Court documents show that the boy's mother had to sue him for paternity and child support.

Just a day after news broke that Walker had a secret 10-year-old son, the Daily Beast discovered that Walker actually has two more additional children he has never publicly acknowledged.

Yeah, that's right.

Not one, but three secret children.

How do you even keep that many kids secret?

I mean, at some point, you gotta confuse their names.

It's like, I love you, Susan.

I mean, Claire, I mean, Frank, I mean, Susan, you are Susan, and I love you.

And look, here's the thing.

Understand this.

It doesn't matter to me how many kids you have or with how many people.

I think in America there's too much moralizing around some of these issues.

But it does matter if you spend all your time vilifying other men for doing the same thing that you do.

You're vilifying them.

You're calling them out.

Oh, it's because they're black men.

And you know what?

It's not.

It's bullshit.

And this always happens too.

It always happens.

When a politician comes down weirdly hard on a specific group of people, that's when you should be suspicious.

They come down on one thing.

There's always a politician that's like, we have to stop these perverts that love to lick the back of people's knees at the public pool.

You're like, I think this dude licks the back of people's knees.

So Walker loves conspiracies.

He lies about his achievements.

And I guess just like Trump, he pretends he doesn't have some of his kids.

And right now, if you're thinking there's no way Herschel Walker could be more hypocritical than this, well, I hope you didn't place a bet.

There is a new twist in the pivotal Senate race in Georgia.

The website The Daily Beast is reporting Republican candidate Herschel Walker paid for a woman he was dating to get an abortion in 2009.

Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker says he is pro-life and supports a nationwide abortion ban with no exceptions.

But new reporting from the Daily Beast claims he encouraged a woman he was dating in 2009 to get an abortion and help pay for it.

The woman whose identity was not published provided the Daily Beast with a receipt for the procedure, a get-well card, and an image of a $700 check allegedly signed by Walker.

Wow.

An anti-abortion Republican caught paying for his girlfriend's abortion?

That is a bombshell.

Especially because he left behind so much proof.

I mean, this woman says that she has a receipt, a check, and a get-well card that he signed.

The only way there could be more of a paper trail is if he bought a souvenir t-shirt from the abortion killings gift shop.

And now, believe it or not, believe it or not, this is just the tip of of the iceberg when it comes to Herschel Walker.

Right?

He has multiple allegations of domestic abuse against him, including from his ex-wife.

His own son, who is a prominent conservative, has said most of the stories are true.

And Herschel Walker himself said that sometimes he couldn't control his own brain.

But despite all of this, he still has the full support of the Republican Party, including a top aide to Mitch McConnell, who just today said, It's full speed ahead in Georgia.

Yeah, because clearly McConnell's like, look, it's not my baby daddy.

What do I care?

You know, a lot of times in this program, we're always talking about the problems in our society, but our society has much to celebrate.

Everybody's talking about dad bots.

Guys who look like they go to the gym, but they also maybe enjoy a little pizza, a little beer.

Elizabeth and I find it really attractive.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Siegel, and Seth Rogan have all been called dad bots.

Undefined abs and maybe even a little bit of flab are actually in.

Women admitting that normal looking guys are the sexy ones.

Yeah.

It's like Christmas came early this year for dudes because everywhere you look there's jolly fat men.

For more on the new look that's driving women crazy, we're joined by senior women's issues correspondent, Kristen Shaw.

Kristen!

Hey Maddie!

Well, thanks, John, and what a great day for men.

It's time society finally accepted that a man's body changes when he has kids.

He spent nine months eating too much because his pregnant wife is stressing him out.

And then there's a screaming baby at home who's got to get out for pizza and beer as much as he can.

It's just biology, John.

You know, but a lot of those guys we just heard about, they're not even dads.

You don't have to be a dad to have a dad bod.

You just have to be really lazy.

And women are lining up at the dad bod buffet, which is great news because now you don't have to worry about magazines like this shoving an impossible body image down your throat, like this chiseled triangle thing.

You know, I'm talking about it's like the borderline between where the chest ends, you know, and then the fun begins.

You know what?

Let's just forget about these names because it is gone.

That sounds comfowering, John.

Here, you try.

Rip this guy up.

Come on.

There we go.

Absolutely.

Here we go.

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get rid of it.

Good job, John.

Just put all your...

Well, you know who really loves this dad bodrin?

Guys like you, who get most of their exercise by turning from camera one to camera three.

As a 40-something-year-old dad, I find this notion profoundly reassuring.

Show us your dad bod.

I wish I could.

I'm going get a beer pizza after the show.

Dad, I think women think you're sort of nuts if you've got this six-pack.

It's coming like a dad bod sandwich right here.

They're all having a really good belly laugh.

Well, the guys are.

If that woman had a belly at all, they would not let her on that show.

Well,

I don't know, of course.

I mean, maybe the good thing.

Maybe, maybe dad bod, Dad bod is just the beginning and it opens the door to celebrating the mom bod.

Oh, sweet, sweet John.

We're already obsessed with mom bods, or at least how fast moms can get rid of them.

There's a new breed of mom on the playground dubbed mom shells.

They're a hybrid of mommies and bombshells.

That's 11 months after giving birth to baby.

She looks amazing.

She had a baby seven months ago.

She has a five-month-old.

Three months after having a baby.

Looking impossibly spelt.

Perfect.

Amazing.

Incredible.

Just weeks after giving giving birth to a baby.

Look at that figure, too.

She's just had a baby.

They're not real people.

They're celebrities.

Beyonce, Scarlett Johansson, J-Lo, Michelle Duggar.

Michelle Tugger?

From the reality show with the 19 kids?

Yeah, that's how hot she is.

Her husband is never not finger.

Why do you think she has to hide her body under that sister wife dress to stop tempting the rest of us?

Why is there so much pressure, though, on women to be skinny?

You know, it hasn't always been that way.

Look at the Rubinesque women in those older paintings by...

Right, Picasso?

Talk about impossible body standards.

I spent years trying to get my nose on the side of my face.

Admit it, John.

Women will never be able to relax about their bodies the way that men can.

Well, it's too bad because it feels great to be able to, you know, to not think about it, the old...

feel good in the old dad bottom line.

Well, you earned it, Daddio.

All that not working out, focusing on other things besides your body.

Yo, why don't you stand up and give the audience a little treat?

Show them what a mostly adequate physique looks like.

I don't have to ask if fans go with that shake because they obviously did.

Show off how your looks are not what society values most in you.

Ah, looking good.

Wait, hold on.

Yeah, there it is.

I'm starting to feel it.

Oh, yeah, I'm starting to feel it.

Yeah, keep posing.

Keep posing.

I'm starting to feel it now.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

Here comes a twerk.

I'm a twerk.

I'm in a, I'm in a.

Kristen Chawl, everybody.

We'll be right right back.

Bye.

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Have you ever watched your team losing and wished that you could jump in to help?

Well, that's exactly what this North Carolina dad did.

A North Carolina man was arrested after getting too involved in his son's high school wrestling match.

At one point, the wrestler in the gray uniform picks up the wrestler in the black uniform, slams him to the ground.

The referee ruled the move was illegal and blew the whistle, but moments later, a man runs out and knocks the wrestler to the ground.

It was the other boy's dad.

The man was arrested, charged with assault, and disorderly conduct.

God damn!

What was that father thinking?

You can't just run in from the sidelines and beat up a teenager.

Your son has to tag you in first.

Come on.

Rules of wrestling.

And if you think that's bad, you should have seen him at his daughter's ballet recital.

That shit is insane.

And look, I get the dad's anger.

But you realize this thing could have gotten out of hand, right?

Because no one thinks about this, but what if the other wrestler's dad saw it happen and then he jumped in, right?

And then what if the first dad's dad jumped in to help him?

Then the other guy's grandfather jumped in, and a coffin just lands on all of them.

Got to think of these things.

But this is why I never bring my mom to the Emmys.

Parents are really competitive, yeah.

If I brought my mom to the Emmys and then she sees me lose to John Oliver, she'll rush the podium and tackle him to the ground.

Yeah.

Poor John will be on the ground screaming like, holy shit, I've just been tackled by a woman from South Africa.

And by the way, that's not South Africa, that's South Africa.

I know your son is getting to

tooth-losing age.

Yeah, they're getting jiggly.

Yeah.

Is he getting that sweet six bucks from the tooth fairy?

Hell no.

I did the responsible thing with my boy and I told him that the tooth fairy is dead.

You told him the tooth fairy is dead?

She's dead?

She dead.

She gone.

She tripped over my son's toys.

He'd be laying all over the house.

She stepped on the toy, broke her neck, and

choked to death on her own tongue.

Why would you say that to your own kid?

Well, he's got to put his damn toys up now.

I bet you he will now.

Look, is it like, like, I'm tired of him not cleaning up?

And I'm tired of buying into this system, man.

Listen to us.

We're paying our kids just for losing teeth.

And what are they learning from that?

What are they learning?

All your kids learn is that they can can sell their body parts for money.

No wonder I spent my whole 20 selling plasma, selling blood, selling sperm, selling bone marrow, dropped off a kidney.

All the tooth fairy did was teach me how to treat my body like a garage sale.

Wait, wait.

But losing a tooth is a big moment.

He should get something.

He is getting something.

He's getting the new tooths.

That's the prize.

You get to keep chewing.

And let's just be real.

Hassan, where does it end?

Lose a tooth, $6.

Oh, you got your first zit.

Here's $10.

Oh, your body keeps changing.

I'm going to have to keep tipping this little motherfucker for growing hair on his back.

No.

He gets one present a year.

His birthday, that's it.

Okay, what about Christmas, right?

Wait, what?

Christmas.

Well, Santa dad, too.

I taught my son that Santa Claus died from too much screen time on the iPad.

Okay, wait.

Listen, man, for your son's sake, man, just

here, just

give this to Henry Tales from Uncle Hassan, okay?

He lost two teeth.

A 13-year-old Honduran boy, little Edwin Daniel Sabillon, traveled 3,200 miles by bus, foot, and bike to New York City to find the father he has never known.

Brave Edwin set out on his own, arriving in Manhattan carrying only $24, a tattered paper bag with a change of clothes, clothes, and three wet cookies.

I'm sorry, I have something in my eye.

During the journey, the boy passed through Houston, Corpus Christi, New Orleans, and lots of small towns where he would stay long enough to sleep, eat, meet the locals, then high tail it after turning into the Hulk.

New York City police are now taking care of Edwin, feeding him McDonald's an ice cream cake from Carvell, and on that diet, he will be qualified to join the force in about five years.

Just kidding, fellas.

Sadly, Edwin's father hasn't turned up for fear of deportation, so his official guardian is New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani,

who has promised to give the young man work as a Senate race ethnic pawn.

And that was other news.

I came to the convention with with a dream to interview Tim Waltz, also known as America's Dad.

This is America's Dad, quote, big dad energy.

Big Dad Energy.

Unfortunately, America's Dad seemed to be a very difficult interview to get.

Governor Waltz.

Governor Waltz.

Governor Waltz.

Governor Waltz is doing his best job ignoring me right now.

If I was going to catch Tim Walz, I needed to lure him in with a trap that a dad could not resist.

Can anyone help me with this pie for my date?

Shoo, shoot, shoot.

Does anyone know how to use a stud binder?

Does anyone know how to fill out a baseball score sheet by hand?

Does anyone want this copy of Broody on Blu-ray?

Come on.

I know you want it.

And now, we wait.

Who are you most excited to hear talk today?

I'm really looking forward to seeing Barackaba.

You're cute.

Do you happen to have a convertible you could recklessly drive me around in?

Hope no one's within earshot who might want to put their foot down and stop this ill-advised romance.

Got hop knocks leading up to a Bengay and a beer.

Perfect trap.

It's in moss.

I'm going to smoke a cigarette unless someone stops me.

Hope no one catches me.

Makes me smoke the whole pack to learn a lesson.

Whoa.

I'm going absolutely crazy now.

Oh, geez.

Oh my god, I just got a ticket to a Roy Orbison cover band.

Does anyone want it?

Anyone know if there is an LLB nearby?

I don't know if I'll get to the voting booth this year.

I don't know how to drive stick.

Is there anyone here who could teach me?

Is there anyone here who could teach me?

Downtrodden and deflated, I had one last idea.

Anyone around here know if this fire extinguisher is up to code?

I see the 2024 or on here.

I see February punched out.

Are you Tim Waltz?

All right, never mind.

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